The Dynamics of Narcissistic Co-Parenting

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Co-parenting with a narcissist is not just difficult—it’s a relentless, exhausting battle that impacts every part of your life, especially your children. In this episode, I relive the realities of narcissistic co-parenting, from parent alienation to emotional and legal abuse. I share my own experiences, highlight expert insights, and include powerful clips from professionals like Dr. Ramani and Dr. Christine Marie Cocciola. These discussions shed light on how narcissists manipulate children, weaponize the legal system, and leave the targeted parent feeling powerless.

If you've ever felt like you're constantly in survival mode, battling high cortisol levels, chronic fatigue, and the never-ending emotional and financial abuse that comes with co-parenting with a narcissist, this episode is for you. I also share clips from a registered psych nurse who explains the physical toll of narcissistic abuse, as well as a powerful message for single moms who feel trapped in this cycle. Stay tuned because I promise—you’re not alone, and there is hope.

 

Episode Highlights:

[00:06] - Welcome to the episode and why this topic is so important.
[02:07] - A powerful insight from Dr. Ramani on why mistreating a co-parent is abuse.
[03:43] - The heartbreaking reality of parent alienation and how it impacts children.
[06:32] - A registered psych nurse explains the physical effects of narcissistic abuse.
[08:53] - The harsh reality of counter-parenting and why narcissists refuse to co-parent.
[09:55] - The common experiences of narcissistic abuse survivors and a message of hope.

 

Links & Resources:

Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.

Episode Transcript

Caryn Portnoy (00:06):
Karen, hi everyone, and welcome to the
music of Life. I'm your host.
Karen Portnoy, before I get intothis episode, please comment,
ask questions, share some ofyour experiences, and don't
forget to subscribe. You.
I spoke in the last episodeabout legal abuse and how

(00:29):
narcissists use the legal systemagainst you. I came across
something that was written by aparent alienation coach. The
name wasn't available, but Iwill just say that it's a parent
alienation coach who saidsomething that is not often
talked about yet happens veryfrequently, is when the

(00:50):
alienating parent confides inthe child. What the alienating
parent does is tell the childabout court dates and court
proceedings, and they make thetargeted parent out to be the
bad guy, the alienating parentconstantly reinforces this to
the child, saying that the courtis making this happen, or the
court is making that happen, andthe child feels like they owe

(01:14):
the alienating parent theirloyalty and they don't want to
then spend time With thetargeted parent. Ultimately,
these are not things thatchildren should be discussing
with the parent. This isdefinitely something that I
experienced within my divorceall along, throughout the three
years we lived together duringthe divorce, I found a couple of

(01:39):
video clips online that I wantedto include in this episode that
really spoke to me. One of themincludes Dr Ramani, who is the
leading expert in narcissism,and she had a guest on her show,
Dr Christine Marie cociola, whois a psychologist, and they were

(02:01):
talking about narcissistic coparents. So I'm going to play
the clip for you, and here wego. You make

Unknown (02:08):
a point, and I think it's so important for people to
hear because it's actually oneof the most impactful things
you've ever said. One of thethings that comes up in these
conversations about narcissisticco parents and coercive
controllers is, but he's a gooddad, and your take on it was
absolutely brilliant. And whenyou said, I don't care if they

(02:28):
go to every sports game, takethem to Disneyland, buy them
clothes, if that parent iswilling to mistreat that child's
other parent, that's abuse. It'sabuse towards the child. It
always stayed with me that evenif this parent is coming off as
the model parent, the fact thatthey're willing to mistreat the

(02:51):
other parent is actually theabuse of the child. Well,
they're great with the kids. Arethey great with the kids? If
they're willing to dismantletheir other parent,
the children learn that thatprotective parent is only loved
if they do exactly what they'resupposed to do. So we're raising
children in a family systemwhere they know that if they

(03:11):
don't do exactly what they'resupposed to do, their love is
not they are not receiving fulllove, and in that, children grow
up devaluing themselves.
It's, you know, believing you'llnever be loved for who you are.
It's reproducing these dynamicsin adulthood. And not, you know,
it's not, it's shame. Exactly.
It's, I am not lovable unless Imorph into what this other

(03:33):
person wants. And it's, it's avery, very anxiety, anxiety
ridden way to live a life.

Caryn Portnoy (03:43):
So, you know, I talked a bit about parent
alienation in earlier episodes,and that was definitely
something that my ex husband wasdoing with my daughter by
keeping her in his room with thedoor closed as a way to keep her
away from me regularly. Here'ssomething else I found from a

(04:08):
parent alienation coach who Ijust quoted earlier. It says
when children reject a parent inhigh conflict situations, it is
often not because they trulywant to it's because they feel
they have no choice. Thesechildren are caught in a cycle
of emotional and psychologicalabuse that is difficult for

(04:30):
outsiders to recognize. On thesurface, it looks like the child
is choosing to distancethemselves from one parent due
to mistreatment. However, inmany cases, the rejection is
actually a survival strategy.
When one parent consistentlyspeaks negatively against the
other parent manipulates thechild's emotions or creates an

(04:50):
environment where love andacceptance are conditional. The
child learns that siding withthe favored parent is the same.
Safest option to maintain asense of security, they reject
the other parent entirely, evenif that parent has done nothing
wrong. Over time, this behaviorbecomes ingrained and the child
truly believes in the negativethings that they have been told.

(05:14):
They may even express anger,fear or make false accusations,
not because of their ownexperiences, but because they've
been pressured into seeing therejected parent as bad or unsafe
to outsiders, family members,teachers or therapists. It can
look like the child is making anindependent decision, but in

(05:36):
reality, the rejection is aresponse to deep emotional
manipulation the child istrapped feeling unable to love
both parents freely. Asheartbreaking as this is, this
is exactly what I lived throughfor three years. So when I say
that my ex husbandsystematically dismantled my

(05:56):
relationship with my daughterright in front of my eyes
without any ability to change oraffect anything. This is why,
this is exactly what went on inmy house with my ex husband and
my daughter.

(06:18):
Here's another clip that Ifound. This is from a registered
psych nurse who is very skilledin understanding the effects of
narcissistic abuse and how itaffects you physically. Here we
go.

Unknown (06:33):
There's an actual wound that narcissistic abuse will
cause from the trauma that theygive you that nobody really
thinks about. But listen to meexplain it, because it'll make
sense. That wound thatnarcissistic abuse trauma causes
is something called chronicfatigue. Take it from me. I'm a
registered psych nurse. I'mgonna try explaining this to you
as easy to understand aspossible. A narcissist is going

(06:53):
to overload you with cortisol atsuch a level that if it was
spread over three people, justin you, y'all three would test
high. They stress you out. Duh,that's a given, but they
actually impact your centralnervous system, which is in
charge of your fight or flightor your rest and digest, your
sympathetic and parasympatheticnervous system, and they put you
in a constant state of survivalmode. Think of tensing a muscle

(07:16):
up and never letting it go.
Think about having a musclecramp that doesn't go away or
spasm that doesn't go away. Ofcourse, it's gonna hurt and
you're gonna feel exhausted, soif you're in a constant state of
survival mode, that's why youprobably feel pretty darn
exhausted. Plus, how manynarcissists actually let you
sleep in the first place? Butthis is a wound that you didn't
even know was there. I want tohelp you get out of it. If this
sounds like you, please commentheal on this video, and I will

(07:38):
send you everything I know as aCyprus to help you fix those
traumas for good. I believe inyou. It's not your fault. You're
not crazy. You never were. Thebest is yet to come. God bless

Caryn Portnoy (07:53):
so that was something else I experienced,
that constant state of survival,fight, flight or freeze, never
knowing which one I was going tobe in, but being in one of them
all the time, relentlessly. Yes,my cortisol levels were off the
chain, and yes, I was constantlyexhausted, which was why the

(08:15):
first two years of my divorce, Icould barely get off the couch.
Everything was just to survivethis hell. There's one more
video I want to play for thisepisode that is really from I
couldn't find any credentials onthis guy, other than he knows a

(08:36):
lot about narcissistic abuse. Idon't know if he's been through
it or if he's just skilled intalking about it, but it made a
lot of sense, and it certainlyexplained another element of
what I went through in mydivorce. Okay, here we go. How
many

Unknown (08:53):
single moms are trying to co parent with an abusive
narcissist? It's impossible,impossible. They don't co
parent, they counter parent. Coparenting involves meeting in
the middle for the sake of thekids, these narcissistic
deadbeats will do everythingpossible to look like the
fucking victim, all while makinghis ex look as bad as possible.

(09:13):
And the sad part is, becausehe's so good at manipulating,
some people buy his bullshit,including the judge. There's so
many single moms out theretrapped in this never ending
saga where they're still havingto deal with his abuse even
after escaping Can you imagineescaping your abuser but still
having to be abused verbally,mentally, emotionally,

(09:34):
financially, legally,narcissistic abusers live off of
retaliation. They will stop atnothing, even if it means
screwing over their ownchildren, if it means winning to
all my single mothers out there,stay strong, continue to keep
your side of the street cleanand know that eventually he's
going to bury himself.

Caryn Portnoy (09:55):
Clearly, this is all that I've been talking about
throughout this podcast so far.
And it's just kind of validatingto hear these people and experts
corroborate everything that I'velived through. So you know, I've
been reaching over 300,000people in all of these divorce
groups that I'm in on socialmedia, and I hear this exact

(10:18):
story over and over and overagain, and whether it's having
to do with the legal system,whether it has to do with
manipulating the children andweaponizing them against the
targeted parent, or if it'sfinancial abuse, or, you know,
any of this, the psychological,emotional, mental abuse is just

(10:39):
across the board for everyone.
And I just want anybody outthere who's listening to this to
know that there is hope. And I'mgoing to be talking about my
intense healing journey thatcame from this in upcoming
episodes. So hang in there. Iknow that this is like the worst

(11:02):
time in your life. It will endone day, I promise and healing
and hope and inspiration isahead for you. So keep
listening. And if there'sanybody here who knows of
anybody who's going throughsomething like this, I hope
you'll share this podcast withthem and let them know that
there is hope ahead. Thanks somuch. I'll see you in the next

(11:25):
episode. Please join me everyThursday for a new episode. I
invite you to comment, like,share, subscribe. You can reach
me at the music of life. Five.
[e-mail] with anyquestions or stories or
experiences or anything that youwant to share with me, I'd be

(11:47):
happy to talk about it onanother episode. You can check
out my [e-mail] slashthe music of life. You