April 17, 2025 • 15 mins
Hey beautiful souls, welcome back to The Music of Life! In this intense episode, I take you with me through an unexpected wave of healing that caught me completely off guard. This wasn't just about revisiting the past—it was about uncovering a wound I didn’t even realize was still bleeding. I had what I can only call an emotional epiphany, and I knew I had to share it with you, not just for connection, but in hopes that it sparks something transformative in your own journey.
If you're walking the path of self-discovery, grappling with past pain, or simply trying to understand your emotional triggers better, this episode is for you. I open up about my relationship with communication, my childhood, and a powerful moment with “baby Caryn” that helped me release and heal in a way I never expected. This is all about truth, inner child work, and the kind of deep soul nourishment that changes you forever. I hope my story helps you feel less alone—and maybe a little more inspired.
Episode Highlights:
[1:30] – Realizing how communication patterns have shaped my relationships.
[3:05] – The clarity that came from emotional triggers in past connections.
[5:20] – The moment I asked, “Who made me feel like I didn’t matter?”
[6:45] – Revisiting childhood memories and emotional absence.
[8:30] – Connecting with “baby Caryn” and giving her the love she needed.
[10:10] – The importance of validating your own emotions.
[11:45] – How quickly transformation can happen when we go inward.
[13:00] – Why no one can disappoint me anymore—and why that’s empowering.
[14:25] – Final reflections on healing, purpose, and sharing your journey to help others.
Links & Resources:
Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caryn Portnoy (00:02):
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,before I get into this episode,
please comment, ask questions,share some of your experiences,
and don't forget to subscribe.
Youso this episode may be pretty
(00:24):
intense. While I've been talkingabout healing and a spiritual
journey and all these things, Ihad a bit of an epiphany last
night, and it made me kind of goinside introspectively, and it
went pretty deep, and I wantedto share, for anybody who's on a
healing journey or is juststarting one or anything like
(00:48):
that, I just want to share my myprocess and how I came to heal
something last night that Iwasn't expecting, which is kind
of how it works sometimes. So Istarted thinking about people in
my life over the years. And, youknow, I always pride myself on
clear communication. I'm allabout clarity and communication,
(01:11):
and I've always beendisappointed by certain people
in my life because they didn'tcommunicate, or they didn't
communicate well, or theycommunicated when it was
convenient for them, but not tothe extent that it was
convenient for me, the guy thatI spoke about, that I was
involved with online and overthe phone and over FaceTime from
(01:33):
Colorado, that was one of thethings that I felt very Easily
came to both of us wascommunication and clarity. And
it kind of became a joke at somepoint, because he, he was very
complimentary and commended myability to communicate so well,
so clearly, so effectively. Andwe would laugh at, you know, I'm
(01:55):
all about clarity, and even hefell short in the communication
issue, because I noticed that hewas a great communicator when it
was convenient for him. And whatI figured out was that I was
triggered. I was upset. Youknow, there was, there were
(02:16):
times when it wasn't convenientfor him to communicate with me,
and I called him out on it acouple of times, and it became,
ultimately, I think it was thereason for our breakup.
So last night, I startedthinking about the people in my
(02:37):
life who have disappointed mewith communication, people who
have just vanished out of mylife, and, you know, with
without any explanation or anyclarity towards me. And it's a
very confusing state to be like,you know, why did I deserve
that? Or what did I do wrong? Orif they if it was them, then why
(02:59):
didn't they just say I'm goingthrough something and, you know,
I can't be in touch right nowsomething, you know. So anyway,
I got to thinking about thiscommon thread amongst people in
my life and over time, and itstarted to add up, and I started
looking at it last night. Whywas this triggering me so much?
(03:20):
So it didn't take more than aminute to figure it out. Though,
what came to me was a question.
I went inward and said, Who mademe feel this way? Who in my life
made me feel that I didn'tmatter or that I wasn't
important enough forcommunication? I mean, we know
the pattern that resulted fromall of this. And you know,
(03:44):
especially in my marriage, wherethere was, it was a one sided
communication. I communicatedand he didn't. So I immediately
went inward into prayer, andwhile I had God's ear, I asked
myself, who in my life made mefeel like I didn't matter? And
the answer came immediately, mymother. She was so busy, caught
(04:06):
up in her own life that evenwhen she was home in our small
apartment, she was still so faraway from me, I don't remember
spending any quality time withher. We watched a horror movie
once when, I think I was seven,I don't think she even knew what
it was about, but we watchedthis movie together, and that
(04:27):
movie traumatized me, you know,for the rest of my life. So in
those young ages, I just, Idon't remember her ever wanting
to cuddle with me, or, you know,there were times like if I was
really upset, or if I wasn'tfeeling well, she would come and
scratch my back for a fewminutes, or play with my hair,
(04:49):
or something like that. But itwas so far and few between, and
it was never like on a Tuesday.
There had to have been a reasonfor her. To tend to me like
that. I never felt like sheasked about my day or my friends
or school or anything like that.
I just didn't feel important toher. I felt like I didn't
(05:10):
matter, and I certainly wasn'tseen by her. And as this started
to bubble up in my psyche, thetears started flowing in full
force, you know, acknowledgingthose feelings and giving them
proper validation to what I'mgoing to call baby Karen, even
though I was like, six or sevenyears old in my mind at this
(05:32):
time, but the adult me was nowtaking over and talking to baby
Karen and showering her withlove and validation, how she is
so loved, how she matters somuch, how clearly I see the
light, the love and shine fromwithin her, brighter than the
brightest star in the sky, thatI'm so proud of her for who she
(05:55):
is and who she's yet to become.
I know she will do incrediblethings in her life and share her
light and love to the worldsomeday, she is never alone and
will never feel alone again. I'malways here for her, and I will
never leave her. I will be withher, walking alongside of her
(06:16):
every day of her life, cheeringher on with so much love and
admiration my sweet littleKaren, and so I asked her, in my
mind what she would like to dotogether. She simply answered,
play with makeup. So we have adate tomorrow on Sunday to play
with makeup. I can't wait you.
(06:43):
It's no coincidence that thelast few days, I've been asking
myself, How else do I need topour into myself? What else am I
needing? I turn to God onceagain, and I say, Thank you, God
for leading me to my answerabout how else I need to pour
into myself. I got it now. Iguess the point of this whole
(07:04):
thing and sharing this journeyand process is to just tell you
that the more I practice this,the more I go inward, the more I
ask the tough questions and facethe tough answers, knowing that
God is supporting me the wholeway. You know, where I started
two and a half years ago, versuswhere I am now. It's amazing. I
(07:26):
mean, this whole introspectionlast night, I want to say it
took maybe a half hour fromstart to finish. And so this is
how quickly something like thatcan be resolved and and how
transformative it can be, andbecause I started off two and a
half years ago, feeling myfeelings and making space and
(07:47):
room for all of this stuff tobubble up and come out. You
know, it's never fun by anystretch. It's freaking painful,
but it's so necessary, becausethe more we feel our feelings,
the more they go through us andthey and they leave. And then,
you know, we heal a little bitmore each time we do that. So to
(08:10):
give myself that room and spaceto feel my feelings and let my
emotions come out. And, youknow, face the things that are
hard to face, it's just, it justbrings that much more healing,
that much more growth, that muchmore evolution. And I feel like
(08:30):
lighter today. I feel freertoday. I feel like, you know, I
could think about sweet littleKaren and look forward to being
with her tomorrow, and that's areally sweet, lovely, wonderful
feeling. So if there's anyoneyou know who's in the midst of
healing who wants to startanything like that, I applaud
(08:55):
you so much. It takes so muchcourage and so much bravery and
strength, and it's so worth it,every tear, every time you
scream, every time you you knowyou're frustrated, you're hurt,
you're abandoned, you'reanxious, anything like that.
It's worth it on the other side,I swear to you. And even when
(09:16):
you go through something sopainful, and even if you ever
scream out to God, why are youletting this happen? Why are you
letting this happen? I reallydid have to change that
narrative. I don't think that helets us go through it. I think
he allows us to for our owngrowth. And when you think about
(09:37):
a parent and how a parent, youknow, teaches you lessons. I
feel that God does the samething for us, and it's only in
hindsight, when we can look backand see the journey that we went
through to get to someresolution that we can be
grateful for that lesson, eventhough it may have been painful.
You.
(10:01):
So now I look back at whathappened last night, and I
realized that I can forgive thepeople who I felt disappointed
me with their communication. Idon't think it was ever done on
purpose, intentionally. At leastI'd like to believe that. I
think that people, you know,they would do better if they
(10:23):
could, and it's not a reflectionon me. I didn't do anything
wrong. It's just where peopleare in their own lives and their
own skills and their ownabilities. And you know, that's
not for me to judge and it's notfor me to decide. So in this
journey of self healing, I'velearned that the most important
(10:45):
thing is to communicate tomyself, by myself, with myself,
and then I have everything Ineed, and I don't have to look
outside of myself for someone tofulfill that for me. And I'll
tell you something that is animmense amount of power to know
that nobody can break me, nobodycan crush me, and nobody is ever
(11:07):
going to disappoint me because Iam full myself. I think that was
an epiphany. Just now I'm tryingto think about this, could
anyone actually disappoint me? Idon't think so. I mean, when you
fill your own cup with whateverit is that you need, then
(11:31):
whatever somebody does outsideof you, positive or negative, it
doesn't take away from anythingthat you've already given
yourself. It just adds to it. Soif someone is an awesome
communicator, and, you know,leaves me feeling like fully
satisfied with their level ofcommunication, to me, great,
(11:52):
that's an addition to my life.
But if they don't, it doesn'ttake away anything, because I
already have it for myself. Ihope that makes sense.
I just wish this for everyonethat you know, while you may be
contemplating any kind ofhealing work, whether it's
(12:14):
spiritual or otherwise, I thinkit's so worthwhile. But I can
say that because I'm on theother side, not fully on the
other side, but you know, I'vedone enough healing work to know
that it's so worth it. Like I'vesaid before, there's no 100%
healing in this lifetime. It'sjust you can only heal as much
(12:35):
as you can possibly heal byyourself. We can heal so much
more after that, withinrelationships, whether it's a
romantic partner or friendshipsor family or whatever we were
meant to be in relationship withother human beings. So I believe
that that's why we're here, partof why we're here to help heal
(12:56):
each other. And you know,ultimately, that's why I'm doing
this podcast to help heal andinspire other people. And you
know, that's when we dosomething well, and we know what
we're doing, and we get betterbecause of it. Why wouldn't we
want to share that with otherpeople? I mean, it's awesome.
(13:18):
It's awesome. I love the idea ofjust everybody sharing whatever
they've been successful at. Imean, why wouldn't we want
humanity to get better? Thisworld is in chaos right now, and
I feel like you know, the morewe can love each other and the
more we can unite and elevate Imean, imagine how transformative
(13:42):
that would be to the wholeworld. And again, I'm not here
to judge anyone. I'm not here totell you what to do or what not
to do, or anything like that.
That's that's not my purposehere at all. And I hope that
when you're listening to thispodcast, you understand that
anything that I share has apurpose and a meaning, and my
intention is to make people'slives better as a result of what
(14:04):
I've been through. So I hopethat you've gotten something out
of this. I hope that maybe youcan think about it for yourself
and how things like this canapply to you too. I invite you
once again, to reach out to meon my website, which is
podpage.com/the, music of life,either send me an email or a
(14:26):
voicemail and just sharewhatever you'd like. You can ask
me anything. I promise to keepyou anonymous, and I would just
love to be able to help as manypeople as I can. So thank you
for listening. I'll see you inthe next episode. Please join me
every Thursday for a newepisode. You can reach my
(14:47):
website@podpage.com slash themusic of life. Feel free to
leave your email address. Youcan also leave a voicemail and.
Share any kinds of stories orexperiences or anything that
you'd like to talk about. Ipromise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories
(15:08):
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the
next episode you.
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,before I get into this episode,
please comment, ask questions,share some of your experiences,
and don't forget to subscribe.
Youso this episode may be pretty
(00:24):
intense. While I've been talkingabout healing and a spiritual
journey and all these things, Ihad a bit of an epiphany last
night, and it made me kind of goinside introspectively, and it
went pretty deep, and I wantedto share, for anybody who's on a
healing journey or is juststarting one or anything like
(00:48):
that, I just want to share my myprocess and how I came to heal
something last night that Iwasn't expecting, which is kind
of how it works sometimes. So Istarted thinking about people in
my life over the years. And, youknow, I always pride myself on
clear communication. I'm allabout clarity and communication,
(01:11):
and I've always beendisappointed by certain people
in my life because they didn'tcommunicate, or they didn't
communicate well, or theycommunicated when it was
convenient for them, but not tothe extent that it was
convenient for me, the guy thatI spoke about, that I was
involved with online and overthe phone and over FaceTime from
(01:33):
Colorado, that was one of thethings that I felt very Easily
came to both of us wascommunication and clarity. And
it kind of became a joke at somepoint, because he, he was very
complimentary and commended myability to communicate so well,
so clearly, so effectively. Andwe would laugh at, you know, I'm
(01:55):
all about clarity, and even hefell short in the communication
issue, because I noticed that hewas a great communicator when it
was convenient for him. And whatI figured out was that I was
triggered. I was upset. Youknow, there was, there were
(02:16):
times when it wasn't convenientfor him to communicate with me,
and I called him out on it acouple of times, and it became,
ultimately, I think it was thereason for our breakup.
So last night, I startedthinking about the people in my
(02:37):
life who have disappointed mewith communication, people who
have just vanished out of mylife, and, you know, with
without any explanation or anyclarity towards me. And it's a
very confusing state to be like,you know, why did I deserve
that? Or what did I do wrong? Orif they if it was them, then why
(02:59):
didn't they just say I'm goingthrough something and, you know,
I can't be in touch right nowsomething, you know. So anyway,
I got to thinking about thiscommon thread amongst people in
my life and over time, and itstarted to add up, and I started
looking at it last night. Whywas this triggering me so much?
(03:20):
So it didn't take more than aminute to figure it out. Though,
what came to me was a question.
I went inward and said, Who mademe feel this way? Who in my life
made me feel that I didn'tmatter or that I wasn't
important enough forcommunication? I mean, we know
the pattern that resulted fromall of this. And you know,
(03:44):
especially in my marriage, wherethere was, it was a one sided
communication. I communicatedand he didn't. So I immediately
went inward into prayer, andwhile I had God's ear, I asked
myself, who in my life made mefeel like I didn't matter? And
the answer came immediately, mymother. She was so busy, caught
(04:06):
up in her own life that evenwhen she was home in our small
apartment, she was still so faraway from me, I don't remember
spending any quality time withher. We watched a horror movie
once when, I think I was seven,I don't think she even knew what
it was about, but we watchedthis movie together, and that
(04:27):
movie traumatized me, you know,for the rest of my life. So in
those young ages, I just, Idon't remember her ever wanting
to cuddle with me, or, you know,there were times like if I was
really upset, or if I wasn'tfeeling well, she would come and
scratch my back for a fewminutes, or play with my hair,
(04:49):
or something like that. But itwas so far and few between, and
it was never like on a Tuesday.
There had to have been a reasonfor her. To tend to me like
that. I never felt like sheasked about my day or my friends
or school or anything like that.
I just didn't feel important toher. I felt like I didn't
(05:10):
matter, and I certainly wasn'tseen by her. And as this started
to bubble up in my psyche, thetears started flowing in full
force, you know, acknowledgingthose feelings and giving them
proper validation to what I'mgoing to call baby Karen, even
though I was like, six or sevenyears old in my mind at this
(05:32):
time, but the adult me was nowtaking over and talking to baby
Karen and showering her withlove and validation, how she is
so loved, how she matters somuch, how clearly I see the
light, the love and shine fromwithin her, brighter than the
brightest star in the sky, thatI'm so proud of her for who she
(05:55):
is and who she's yet to become.
I know she will do incrediblethings in her life and share her
light and love to the worldsomeday, she is never alone and
will never feel alone again. I'malways here for her, and I will
never leave her. I will be withher, walking alongside of her
(06:16):
every day of her life, cheeringher on with so much love and
admiration my sweet littleKaren, and so I asked her, in my
mind what she would like to dotogether. She simply answered,
play with makeup. So we have adate tomorrow on Sunday to play
with makeup. I can't wait you.
(06:43):
It's no coincidence that thelast few days, I've been asking
myself, How else do I need topour into myself? What else am I
needing? I turn to God onceagain, and I say, Thank you, God
for leading me to my answerabout how else I need to pour
into myself. I got it now. Iguess the point of this whole
(07:04):
thing and sharing this journeyand process is to just tell you
that the more I practice this,the more I go inward, the more I
ask the tough questions and facethe tough answers, knowing that
God is supporting me the wholeway. You know, where I started
two and a half years ago, versuswhere I am now. It's amazing. I
(07:26):
mean, this whole introspectionlast night, I want to say it
took maybe a half hour fromstart to finish. And so this is
how quickly something like thatcan be resolved and and how
transformative it can be, andbecause I started off two and a
half years ago, feeling myfeelings and making space and
(07:47):
room for all of this stuff tobubble up and come out. You
know, it's never fun by anystretch. It's freaking painful,
but it's so necessary, becausethe more we feel our feelings,
the more they go through us andthey and they leave. And then,
you know, we heal a little bitmore each time we do that. So to
(08:10):
give myself that room and spaceto feel my feelings and let my
emotions come out. And, youknow, face the things that are
hard to face, it's just, it justbrings that much more healing,
that much more growth, that muchmore evolution. And I feel like
(08:30):
lighter today. I feel freertoday. I feel like, you know, I
could think about sweet littleKaren and look forward to being
with her tomorrow, and that's areally sweet, lovely, wonderful
feeling. So if there's anyoneyou know who's in the midst of
healing who wants to startanything like that, I applaud
(08:55):
you so much. It takes so muchcourage and so much bravery and
strength, and it's so worth it,every tear, every time you
scream, every time you you knowyou're frustrated, you're hurt,
you're abandoned, you'reanxious, anything like that.
It's worth it on the other side,I swear to you. And even when
(09:16):
you go through something sopainful, and even if you ever
scream out to God, why are youletting this happen? Why are you
letting this happen? I reallydid have to change that
narrative. I don't think that helets us go through it. I think
he allows us to for our owngrowth. And when you think about
(09:37):
a parent and how a parent, youknow, teaches you lessons. I
feel that God does the samething for us, and it's only in
hindsight, when we can look backand see the journey that we went
through to get to someresolution that we can be
grateful for that lesson, eventhough it may have been painful.
You.
(10:01):
So now I look back at whathappened last night, and I
realized that I can forgive thepeople who I felt disappointed
me with their communication. Idon't think it was ever done on
purpose, intentionally. At leastI'd like to believe that. I
think that people, you know,they would do better if they
(10:23):
could, and it's not a reflectionon me. I didn't do anything
wrong. It's just where peopleare in their own lives and their
own skills and their ownabilities. And you know, that's
not for me to judge and it's notfor me to decide. So in this
journey of self healing, I'velearned that the most important
(10:45):
thing is to communicate tomyself, by myself, with myself,
and then I have everything Ineed, and I don't have to look
outside of myself for someone tofulfill that for me. And I'll
tell you something that is animmense amount of power to know
that nobody can break me, nobodycan crush me, and nobody is ever
(11:07):
going to disappoint me because Iam full myself. I think that was
an epiphany. Just now I'm tryingto think about this, could
anyone actually disappoint me? Idon't think so. I mean, when you
fill your own cup with whateverit is that you need, then
(11:31):
whatever somebody does outsideof you, positive or negative, it
doesn't take away from anythingthat you've already given
yourself. It just adds to it. Soif someone is an awesome
communicator, and, you know,leaves me feeling like fully
satisfied with their level ofcommunication, to me, great,
(11:52):
that's an addition to my life.
But if they don't, it doesn'ttake away anything, because I
already have it for myself. Ihope that makes sense.
I just wish this for everyonethat you know, while you may be
contemplating any kind ofhealing work, whether it's
(12:14):
spiritual or otherwise, I thinkit's so worthwhile. But I can
say that because I'm on theother side, not fully on the
other side, but you know, I'vedone enough healing work to know
that it's so worth it. Like I'vesaid before, there's no 100%
healing in this lifetime. It'sjust you can only heal as much
(12:35):
as you can possibly heal byyourself. We can heal so much
more after that, withinrelationships, whether it's a
romantic partner or friendshipsor family or whatever we were
meant to be in relationship withother human beings. So I believe
that that's why we're here, partof why we're here to help heal
(12:56):
each other. And you know,ultimately, that's why I'm doing
this podcast to help heal andinspire other people. And you
know, that's when we dosomething well, and we know what
we're doing, and we get betterbecause of it. Why wouldn't we
want to share that with otherpeople? I mean, it's awesome.
(13:18):
It's awesome. I love the idea ofjust everybody sharing whatever
they've been successful at. Imean, why wouldn't we want
humanity to get better? Thisworld is in chaos right now, and
I feel like you know, the morewe can love each other and the
more we can unite and elevate Imean, imagine how transformative
(13:42):
that would be to the wholeworld. And again, I'm not here
to judge anyone. I'm not here totell you what to do or what not
to do, or anything like that.
That's that's not my purposehere at all. And I hope that
when you're listening to thispodcast, you understand that
anything that I share has apurpose and a meaning, and my
intention is to make people'slives better as a result of what
(14:04):
I've been through. So I hopethat you've gotten something out
of this. I hope that maybe youcan think about it for yourself
and how things like this canapply to you too. I invite you
once again, to reach out to meon my website, which is
podpage.com/the, music of life,either send me an email or a
(14:26):
voicemail and just sharewhatever you'd like. You can ask
me anything. I promise to keepyou anonymous, and I would just
love to be able to help as manypeople as I can. So thank you
for listening. I'll see you inthe next episode. Please join me
every Thursday for a newepisode. You can reach my
(14:47):
website@podpage.com slash themusic of life. Feel free to
leave your email address. Youcan also leave a voicemail and.
Share any kinds of stories orexperiences or anything that
you'd like to talk about. Ipromise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories
(15:08):
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the
next episode you.
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