March 6, 2025 • 28 mins
Healing from deep emotional wounds is never easy, especially when you're trapped in a storm of pain, betrayal, and isolation. In this episode, I open up about my spiritual healing journey—one that unfolded while I was still in the midst of daily emotional torment. I share the powerful lessons I learned about resilience, self-care, and finding my strength when I had no one to lean on but myself. From the quiet moments of prayer and meditation in my sacred space to the painful realizations of how deeply I was being manipulated, I take you through the transformation that ultimately led me to self-love, inner peace, and unshakable faith.
If you've ever felt lost, abandoned, or broken, know that you are not alone. I discuss the importance of self-care, breaking generational curses, and trusting divine timing to guide you toward healing. This episode is for every wounded warrior out there—those who have faced unbearable darkness but still found their way back to the light. If you're in the thick of it right now, I promise you: there are brighter days ahead.
Episode Highlights:
[0:02] – Welcome and introduction to my healing journey.
[2:15] – Living in an abusive environment while trying to heal.
[5:32] – The pivotal moment when I realized I was truly on my own.
[8:48] – Recognizing the power of prayer, meditation, and my sacred space.
[12:10] – How I started seeing the purpose behind my pain.
[15:45] – The moment I refused to let my ex-husband break me.
[19:30] – The importance of trusting intuition and recognizing manipulation.
[22:57] – Breaking free from toxic narratives and reclaiming my identity.
[26:40] – Finding self-love, embracing my own company, and following my truth.
Links & Resources:
Be sure to follow, share, and leave a comment if this show resonates with you! Send me a message at podpage.com/themusicoflife to share your experiences, or to leave a comment. I'd love to feature it in a future episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Caryn Portnoy (00:02):
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,before I get into this episode,
please comment, ask questions,share some of your experiences,
and don't forget to subscribe.
YouI wanted to talk a little bit
(00:25):
about my spiritual healingjourney, which I had made
reference to in previousepisodes. It was kind of hard to
identify exactly what was goingon at the time that I was
embarking on this healingjourney, primarily because it
was happening at the same timethat I was still living in the
house and still being abuseddaily by my ex husband, and it
(00:48):
was, it was an enormous amountof pain that was thrust upon me
every Day for three years, and Ididn't have anybody to save me.
I didn't have anybody to pull meout of hell, whatever friends I
thought I had turned against me.
(01:10):
And you know, my ex husbandworked hard at making sure
everyone in our friend group andour community and his family,
and worst of all, my daughter,all jumped on his bandwagon and
bought whatever he sold them. SoI was really on my own in every
sense of the word. And I knowthat I spoke a bit about my
(01:35):
weekly baths that I took, andyou know that was my sacred
space to pray and to meditateand to cry, and it was really
the one thing that saved me themost, because it was the only
outlet I had that was a safespace for me that was very
(01:56):
cleansing spiritually. I didn'treally feel how healing it was
until time had passed. So thinkit was about six months in or
so. It could have been a littlebit longer, but it took quite
some time before I reallystarted to feel the fruits of my
labor, so to speak. You know, Iwould eventually walk a little
(02:21):
lighter and feel a little bitlighter and just kind of notice
that the weight of the world wasnot as heavy on my shoulders at
some point, and while I'm usingthis platform to hopefully be
the life raft for other peoplewho are also going through
something as as as toxic andpainful as I did, I didn't have
(02:44):
a life raft. I had to pullmyself out of all of what was
happening myself. And as I wasthinking about this episode and
what I wanted to say, there wasan image that popped into my
head. I don't remember how farinto the divorce. It was, I'm
going to say it was somewherearound a year and a half. I
(03:04):
remember I was making dinner formy daughter one night. So maybe
it was like less than a year in,because he took over making
dinner for my daughter at somepoint. And so this was probably
one of the last times that Imade dinner for her, before he
pushed me aside and decided thathe was going to make her dinner
(03:25):
every night. So I was making hermac and cheese, and the water
was boiling for the pasta, and Iwas standing over the stove just
kind of like mixing everythingin. And He came up to me, and
I'll never forget the sound ofhis voice and the way that he
spoke to me, but he he got rightup in my face and he said, What
(03:50):
do you do? Nothing, nothing inthis like evil, evil energy that
I just I didn't recognize him.
He was like an another being,you know, like something took
over him. It was just, it was soscary because, you know, you
think you know someone for 27years, and then they exhibit
(04:13):
behavior like that, and it'snothing you ever saw or
recognized, and it's scaryanyway, so it was that kind of
thing that was just, it justpierced me to my core, you know,
like, what are you supposed todo with something like that? But
that was the hatred and thevenom coming out of him. And,
(04:36):
you know the fact that I was astay at home mom for the first
12 years of my daughter herlife. I mean, she's 15, it was
like there was no regard for thefact that I was raising our
daughter, that I was home andavailable to her, and I was in
charge of everything in herlife. And this was the thanks I
(04:56):
got for that. But you know, soanyway, I, you know, it's hard
to talk so much about what washappening in the moment
regarding my healing, because itwas the kind of thing that I
didn't necessarily recognizeuntil I could look back at it.
And, you know, hindsight is2020, so I was able to
(05:16):
understand things that happenedonce, you know, once I was far
enough away from it and couldmake sense of it, but I
considered myself a woundedwarrior, you know, the fact that
I survived, the fact that Ipulled myself out of hell, the
fact that I was, you know, stillstanding at the end of this. I
mean, I definitely felt like awounded warrior. And the more I
(05:41):
connected to God and theuniverse, you know, through
prayer and meditation, the moreI realized that there was a
purpose to all of this. And itwas hard to see at the time
because it was so murky and soblinding with pain that I
couldn't see what all thelessons were, you know, at that
(06:02):
time, but looking back, it wasvery apparent to me that there
was a reason, that there was noone there to save me. And I look
back now and I say, you know,God was testing my strength and
my resiliency and my courage andmy bravery, one of the driving
(06:23):
forces through my divorce wasthat I was not going to allow
him to break me. So I needed toprove this to myself, maybe
prove it to God too, although Itruly believe that he knew what
I was made up, and that I wouldget myself out of this in one
piece. So I I believe that I hadto prove this to myself, because
(06:46):
maybe I didn't believe that. Isure do now.
But what I also discovered wasthat as I was learning how to
help myself and save myself andstay true to myself. You know, I
(07:08):
was becoming more authenticallyme as time went on, and it was
really, really hard to to staythere when my ex husband and
daughter kept trying to keep theperson that they created me to
be through the divorce, and itwas really hard, because I was
(07:29):
evolving, I was growing, I waschanging, I was healing, and I
was becoming a better version ofmyself As we were getting closer
to the end, and it was hard tokeep being pulled down to a
level of, I can't even explainit. It was just whatever lies he
(07:52):
told my daughter and shebelieved was not who I was. But,
you know, look, he had to, hehad to force a narrative on her
to keep her loyal to him, and Icould not stay in that character
that they both portrayed me in.
You know, he would come at meand at me and at me. He would
(08:13):
just say things and do things tocause a reaction, and as hard as
I could to not react, he wouldkeep picking at that scab until
he finally got a reaction out ofme. And then he could turn
around and say, look at her.
Look how crazy she is. Neveronce taking accountability for
(08:35):
causing that reaction to beginwith. And then he would get my
daughter to side with him, andit was two against one, and it
was a shit storm every singletime. But this is what
narcissists do, and this kind ofbehavior, I mean, it's
torturous. It's absolutelytorturous and evil, and why he
(08:58):
would want to cause the motherof his child that much pain. I
mean, clearly I wanted thedivorce. He wanted to hurt me,
and what better way to hurt methan to use our daughter to
weaponize against me? It wasvery, very difficult to remain
close to my daughter at thistime, because I knew that she
(09:22):
was reporting every single thingI did back to him, every time I
looked a certain way, every timeI blinked, every time I
breathed. It didn't matter. Iknew that she was going back to
report things to him. It wasvery, very obvious. It wasn't
even like, Well, how do youknow? Because I knew my
intuition is spot on. It's verystrong. I trust it. And I I
(09:47):
could tell that she was goingback to him certain things, you
know. I could tell that she wastexting him. I could, you know,
like you could tell you.
I spoke about my ex husbandtaking our dog out for walks
every night with my daughter.
And I used to call them theirstrategy walks, because I knew
(10:09):
that that was the time and placethat they spent strategizing
against me. So you know, I knowhim well enough and I know her
well enough to know that he'd beasking and she'd be telling so,
you know, look, I was very awareand on to them, so I behaved
(10:30):
accordingly. But the truth was,I couldn't share things with her
that I used to be able to sharewith her. I couldn't talk to her
the way I used to talk to her,because I knew that he was
setting her up to report back tohim, and the less he knew about
me and and what I was thinkingand what I was doing, the better
(10:52):
off it was for everyone. But asI got further and further into
my healing journey, I realizedhow important it was for me to
be truthful in myself, to followmy own truth, my own
authenticity. And as time wenton, it became very clear to me
(11:14):
that I was no longer going towear the mask that I felt I
needed to wear for, you know,being in my community and with
our friends, and that wasn't whoI was. You know, when you move
to suburbia and you you makefriends and your kids are all
the same age, and you kind oflike, spend time together and
(11:36):
lunches and dinners andvacations and all kinds of
stuff. It's like you conform toa certain lifestyle that
everybody somehow agrees to, notoutwardly, but, you know,
everyone kind of follows thesame path, you know, outwardly,
socially. And that was, youknow, what we signed up for when
(11:58):
we decided to get married andhave a child and move into our
house and and, you know, youlive a certain way, which would
have been fine if we had astrong foundation and a good
marriage and all of that. But,you know, clearly, as I've
spoken about all this time, wedidn't have that. So the shell
(12:18):
of our lifestyle became thatmuch more unwanted for me
because we didn't have a solidlife together inwardly. So by
the time I cut everybody out ofmy life and embarked on a path
by myself, you know, I wasdefinitely alone on an island,
(12:39):
but this island was becoming mymy safety, my security. I knew
at that point that there wasnobody that I could rely on
except myself, and that was likeat the hardest time of my life.
So it was very eye opening to meto see this, because you never
know how strong you are untilyou're put to a test like this.
(13:03):
You know, I've said it before.
Maybe it's an illness, maybeit's, you know, the the
declining health of a parent, oran addiction, or, you know,
anything like that. It'ssomething drastic and
devastating happens in your lifeto bring you to your knees, and
(13:23):
who else are you going to reachout to for help? For me, it was
a power greater than me, which Icall God. So you know, there was
a very apparent indication thatGod was looking out for me. He
allowed me to go through it,because I needed to go on this
journey, and I needed to findmyself, and I needed to come
(13:47):
back to myself, to love myself,to find my worth, to see my
value. And those were all thingsthat I couldn't have done
otherwise. So it's easy for meto look back now and be grateful
for the journey, because I'm ata place now where I like the
love I have for myself is offthe charts. Now, I know my
(14:09):
worth, I know my value. I knowwhat I bring to anybody's life,
and I'm proud. I'm so proud andso grateful for where I am now.
I mean, I'm out of the house for10 months now, and my whole life
is transformed, and I'm at apoint now where I don't give a
shit what anyone thinks aboutme. I'm not looking to get
(14:31):
anybody's approval. I don't needto ask for anyone's advice. I
don't need to ask for anyone'sopinions. If people are in my
life, it's because I choose tohave them in my life now,
because they add value to mylife and I add value to theirs,
I'm not begging for anyone to bein my life. I'm not settling for
anything less than I know Ideserve. I mean, I've got
(14:54):
boundaries now. I've gotstandards now that, I mean, I
don't recognize the old me.
Anymore, and I've taken all thistime to prove to myself that,
you know what? I love beingalone. I love being with people,
too, and I balance that time outvery, very nicely, but I love my
own company. There was a time Iused to look down at that, and
(15:15):
I'm sure a lot of people do. Iam so secure in who I am, and
I'm so proud of who I've become,and this is just the beginning,
and I have a direct connectionto God now where I don't make
decisions without consultinghim. Like I said, My intuition
is spot on, and I know whensomething is right for me and
(15:37):
when something is not right forme, and so far, he's guiding me
beautifully. And I'm so gratefulfor all of it. And even when
there are days that I feel likeI have setbacks or slip ups, and
you know, however you define aslip up or some some regression
of some sort, all it takes isgoing within and talking to God,
(15:58):
and by the time I'm done, I feelso much better, and I don't have
to carry those burdens anymore.
I give them all over to God andlet him handle it. So, you know,
the entire three years of livingtogether, I never retaliated
against my ex, I never stoopedto his level. And I the way that
(16:21):
I looked at it was, it's not myjob to offer up his karma. I
held my head high as much as Icould. I did the best I could as
a human being who was, you know,who was the target of somebody
trying to destroy me, but I roseout of the ashes every single
time. And I kept saying tomyself, it's not my job to
(16:42):
judge, that's God's job, and Godwill take care of his karma in
divine timing, and I trulybelieve that. And in all of the
Facebook groups that I'm in, thedivorce groups that I'm in, and
all the people I'm reaching withmy posts and comments, and all
of the posts and comments that Iread from everybody else, that's
(17:02):
the same thing that I keepreiterating to everyone else,
it's not our job to judgepeople, and God will take care
of karma, bad karma and goodkarma in divine timing. And
that's a very consistent messageI keep saying, because, you
know, who are we to judge otherpeople? Is really what it comes
(17:24):
down to for you know, for us tojudge others means that others
are judging us too. And eventhough we can't help when other
people judge us, we can help howmuch we judge others. And there
is a boomerang effect. We reapwhat we sow that's just what it
is, and it can be in a good way,or it could be in a bad way.
(17:46):
Personally, I choose to follow agood way, a good path. Not
everybody thinks about it, noteverybody cares about it. So,
you know, it'll be what it'llbe. I'm very aware of it now,
and therefore I follow a path oftruth and love and light and
authenticity. I'm not foreveryone. I don't expect
(18:06):
everyone to like me, love me,whatever, and I'm okay with
that.
Sometimes, you know, 10 monthsout of moving out of the house,
it's hard to look back andremember how bad it was, because
when you're in it and you're atotal victim, like not just
(18:29):
playing a victim, but being anactual victim, every day, you
know what you're in but whenenough time passes and things
get better and you're lookingforward and your life is moving
forward, it's sometimes hard toreflect back and recount just
how bad it was, but I stillremember, you know, it's it's
only been 10 months. Sometimesit feels like yesterday, and
(18:52):
sometimes it feels like, youknow, years and years ago. But
that's just a reminder of howfar I've come and how far I've
healed and and it's veryrewarding and very confirming.
And I don't need anybody else'svalidation. I get my validation
from God and the universe and,and that's enough for me. So I
(19:15):
encourage anybody who's still inthe thick of it, who's still in
the midst of pain and sufferingand the awful experience of
being in an awful, toxicdivorce, there are brighter days
ahead. I promise, promise youthat whatever you can do to help
yourself get stronger, getwiser. It's very easy to just
(19:41):
sit in your emotions and wallow,and as much as I understand that
it's not helpful, I'm not sayingyou're wrong for being there.
I'm just saying that, you know,at some point it would be more
helpful to kind of put that hurtand pain in a box. You know. In
your mind, at least, put it in abox, put the box on a shelf, and
(20:05):
put your logic hat on, you know,put your thinking brain on and
think about how you're going tomake your way through this. I'm
not saying it's so easy to justthink your way out of it, for
sure, not. But, you know, tothink of a strategy, to think of
a way, a plan, something thatyou can do for yourself, to move
(20:25):
yourself forward, emotionallyand logistically, so that you
can find yourself a pathforward. What I really
discovered was that self carewas so important. Self love was
so important. I mean, those twothings together were just like
mind blowing. I mean, nobodyhanded me a handbook to say how
(20:49):
you do that, and the only waythat I could come up with was to
think of different ways. Youknow, what does self care look
like to me? Sometimes it meantgetting my nails done, getting
my hair done, getting a massage.
Sometimes it meant, I don'tknow, listening to my favorite
music, or walking on the beach,or meeting a friend for lunch,
(21:11):
or, you know, anything. It couldbe anything that makes you feel
good about yourself. I mean, itcould be anything. Some people
like to go to the gym for selfcare. Some people like to, you
know, sit and hug a tree, or,you know, who knows, maybe you
stand and hug a tree and selflove. I mean, there can be so
(21:33):
many different ways of ofshowing that to yourself, but
for me, self love was, you know,literally sitting there and
hugging myself. It, you know,look, I spent most of my life in
therapy, so I'm verypsychologically minded. And, you
know, even up until recently, II've done a lot of inner child
(21:56):
healing. I I had a visionrecently when I was doing some
inner child work where I was atthe beach in my, you know, in my
vision, I was, I was at thebeach. I was sitting on the
rocks, overlooking the horizonand the sun, and I had my three
(22:20):
year old child sitting in mylap, and we were both looking
out at the at the horizon, and Iwas just hugging her, and we
were just sitting, you know, herin my lap, and me hugging her,
and just being at one with eachother. And it was such a
beautiful vision for me, and sohealing that, of course, I
(22:43):
started crying, but it was thatrecognition of her, and, you
know, she just needed love, andI was able to give it to her.
And you know, I've spent a lotof time with my inner child
lately, and whatever, but that'spart of healing, too. It's like,
you know, where do your woundscome from? Where does your
(23:03):
trauma come from? Most of thetime, it comes from childhood
and parents and whatever theirissues were in parenting. I
mean, it all gets passed downand what their parents were like
and grandparents and greatgrandparents. I mean, it goes
through the generations, and itgets passed on to you, and then
(23:26):
what are you supposed to do withit? So as I've been going
through all this healing, I'vereally kind of broken a lot of
generational curses along theway, things that my ancestors
weren't strong enough to do, andso those wounds kept getting
passed down through my lineage.
(23:46):
I know that this is kind of likeout there, what I'm talking
about. A lot of people don'tthink this way, and I
acknowledge that, but like Isaid, I I'm very psychologically
minded and now more spirituallyattuned and articulate that, you
know, I get that this is notsomething that most people think
(24:10):
about, and it's okay. I'm doingenough thinking for everyone,
but these are the things thatI'm discovering and healing
from, and I'm really proud ofall this work that I'm doing,
but, you know, it's interesting,because I've been thinking, you
know, I don't look like whatI've been through, and I'm aware
of that because I hide it. Well,it's not something I wear on my
(24:34):
face. And anybody meeting me forthe first time, or somebody
who's known me for a long timewould never really get how much
I've been through. I've beenthrough a lot. I mean, everybody
has. I'm not saying that I'mspecial in that way. I'm just
saying that the first 50, Iguess almost 55 years of my life
(24:56):
has been challenge afterchallenge after. A challenge. I
mean, you know, when I look backat all of the things that were
difficulties and challenges inmy life, I mean, they were
relentless, all meant tochallenge me and make me grow.
And you know, I would say forthe bulk of those years, I
(25:17):
wasn't really awake for it, likeI wasn't paying attention. I
wasn't attuned to it. I am nowmore than ever, but now I kind
of feel like my life is so muchmore peaceful, so much more
aligned, so much more at ease,and I'm really proud of of who I
(25:37):
am now. So I look forward totalking more about these kinds
of things with you guys, andsharing more lessons I've
learned and insights I've hadand all of that. So that was
another thing. In high school, Idiscovered that I had a gift of
insight, and maybe it wasbecause of all the therapy that
(25:59):
I was in or whatever. But Iremember sitting around the
dinner table with my family, andwe would be talking about
certain issues. I don't know ifit was like within our family or
just about somebody else, butthere would be issues about
someone, and I remember beingable to piece together and maybe
(26:21):
coming up with, like, the backstory of why something happened
the way it happened. And Iremember I was kind of, like,
impressed with the fact that Ihad this ability to see the
bigger picture and to piecethings together. And I I
discovered I had this gift ofinsight. And it's only been
something that has grown eversince, but I've always been able
(26:44):
to see things that other peoplehaven't really been able to see,
and it's kind of cool. Anyway,we'll talk more in future
episodes, but I just had all ofthis on my mind and wanted to
share it with you guys. Sothanks for listening, and I'll
see you in the next episode.
Please join me every Thursdayfor a new episode. You can reach
(27:07):
my website@podpage.com slash themusic of life. Feel free to
leave your email address. Youcan also leave a voicemail and
share any kinds of stories orexperiences or anything that
you'd like to talk about. Ipromise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories
(27:28):
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the
next episode you.
Hi everyone, and welcome to the music of Life.
I'm your host. Karen Portnoy,before I get into this episode,
please comment, ask questions,share some of your experiences,
and don't forget to subscribe.
YouI wanted to talk a little bit
(00:25):
about my spiritual healingjourney, which I had made
reference to in previousepisodes. It was kind of hard to
identify exactly what was goingon at the time that I was
embarking on this healingjourney, primarily because it
was happening at the same timethat I was still living in the
house and still being abuseddaily by my ex husband, and it
(00:48):
was, it was an enormous amountof pain that was thrust upon me
every Day for three years, and Ididn't have anybody to save me.
I didn't have anybody to pull meout of hell, whatever friends I
thought I had turned against me.
(01:10):
And you know, my ex husbandworked hard at making sure
everyone in our friend group andour community and his family,
and worst of all, my daughter,all jumped on his bandwagon and
bought whatever he sold them. SoI was really on my own in every
sense of the word. And I knowthat I spoke a bit about my
(01:35):
weekly baths that I took, andyou know that was my sacred
space to pray and to meditateand to cry, and it was really
the one thing that saved me themost, because it was the only
outlet I had that was a safespace for me that was very
(01:56):
cleansing spiritually. I didn'treally feel how healing it was
until time had passed. So thinkit was about six months in or
so. It could have been a littlebit longer, but it took quite
some time before I reallystarted to feel the fruits of my
labor, so to speak. You know, Iwould eventually walk a little
(02:21):
lighter and feel a little bitlighter and just kind of notice
that the weight of the world wasnot as heavy on my shoulders at
some point, and while I'm usingthis platform to hopefully be
the life raft for other peoplewho are also going through
something as as as toxic andpainful as I did, I didn't have
(02:44):
a life raft. I had to pullmyself out of all of what was
happening myself. And as I wasthinking about this episode and
what I wanted to say, there wasan image that popped into my
head. I don't remember how farinto the divorce. It was, I'm
going to say it was somewherearound a year and a half. I
(03:04):
remember I was making dinner formy daughter one night. So maybe
it was like less than a year in,because he took over making
dinner for my daughter at somepoint. And so this was probably
one of the last times that Imade dinner for her, before he
pushed me aside and decided thathe was going to make her dinner
(03:25):
every night. So I was making hermac and cheese, and the water
was boiling for the pasta, and Iwas standing over the stove just
kind of like mixing everythingin. And He came up to me, and
I'll never forget the sound ofhis voice and the way that he
spoke to me, but he he got rightup in my face and he said, What
(03:50):
do you do? Nothing, nothing inthis like evil, evil energy that
I just I didn't recognize him.
He was like an another being,you know, like something took
over him. It was just, it was soscary because, you know, you
think you know someone for 27years, and then they exhibit
(04:13):
behavior like that, and it'snothing you ever saw or
recognized, and it's scaryanyway, so it was that kind of
thing that was just, it justpierced me to my core, you know,
like, what are you supposed todo with something like that? But
that was the hatred and thevenom coming out of him. And,
(04:36):
you know the fact that I was astay at home mom for the first
12 years of my daughter herlife. I mean, she's 15, it was
like there was no regard for thefact that I was raising our
daughter, that I was home andavailable to her, and I was in
charge of everything in herlife. And this was the thanks I
(04:56):
got for that. But you know, soanyway, I, you know, it's hard
to talk so much about what washappening in the moment
regarding my healing, because itwas the kind of thing that I
didn't necessarily recognizeuntil I could look back at it.
And, you know, hindsight is2020, so I was able to
(05:16):
understand things that happenedonce, you know, once I was far
enough away from it and couldmake sense of it, but I
considered myself a woundedwarrior, you know, the fact that
I survived, the fact that Ipulled myself out of hell, the
fact that I was, you know, stillstanding at the end of this. I
mean, I definitely felt like awounded warrior. And the more I
(05:41):
connected to God and theuniverse, you know, through
prayer and meditation, the moreI realized that there was a
purpose to all of this. And itwas hard to see at the time
because it was so murky and soblinding with pain that I
couldn't see what all thelessons were, you know, at that
(06:02):
time, but looking back, it wasvery apparent to me that there
was a reason, that there was noone there to save me. And I look
back now and I say, you know,God was testing my strength and
my resiliency and my courage andmy bravery, one of the driving
(06:23):
forces through my divorce wasthat I was not going to allow
him to break me. So I needed toprove this to myself, maybe
prove it to God too, although Itruly believe that he knew what
I was made up, and that I wouldget myself out of this in one
piece. So I I believe that I hadto prove this to myself, because
(06:46):
maybe I didn't believe that. Isure do now.
But what I also discovered wasthat as I was learning how to
help myself and save myself andstay true to myself. You know, I
(07:08):
was becoming more authenticallyme as time went on, and it was
really, really hard to to staythere when my ex husband and
daughter kept trying to keep theperson that they created me to
be through the divorce, and itwas really hard, because I was
(07:29):
evolving, I was growing, I waschanging, I was healing, and I
was becoming a better version ofmyself As we were getting closer
to the end, and it was hard tokeep being pulled down to a
level of, I can't even explainit. It was just whatever lies he
(07:52):
told my daughter and shebelieved was not who I was. But,
you know, look, he had to, hehad to force a narrative on her
to keep her loyal to him, and Icould not stay in that character
that they both portrayed me in.
You know, he would come at meand at me and at me. He would
(08:13):
just say things and do things tocause a reaction, and as hard as
I could to not react, he wouldkeep picking at that scab until
he finally got a reaction out ofme. And then he could turn
around and say, look at her.
Look how crazy she is. Neveronce taking accountability for
(08:35):
causing that reaction to beginwith. And then he would get my
daughter to side with him, andit was two against one, and it
was a shit storm every singletime. But this is what
narcissists do, and this kind ofbehavior, I mean, it's
torturous. It's absolutelytorturous and evil, and why he
(08:58):
would want to cause the motherof his child that much pain. I
mean, clearly I wanted thedivorce. He wanted to hurt me,
and what better way to hurt methan to use our daughter to
weaponize against me? It wasvery, very difficult to remain
close to my daughter at thistime, because I knew that she
(09:22):
was reporting every single thingI did back to him, every time I
looked a certain way, every timeI blinked, every time I
breathed. It didn't matter. Iknew that she was going back to
report things to him. It wasvery, very obvious. It wasn't
even like, Well, how do youknow? Because I knew my
intuition is spot on. It's verystrong. I trust it. And I I
(09:47):
could tell that she was goingback to him certain things, you
know. I could tell that she wastexting him. I could, you know,
like you could tell you.
I spoke about my ex husbandtaking our dog out for walks
every night with my daughter.
And I used to call them theirstrategy walks, because I knew
(10:09):
that that was the time and placethat they spent strategizing
against me. So you know, I knowhim well enough and I know her
well enough to know that he'd beasking and she'd be telling so,
you know, look, I was very awareand on to them, so I behaved
(10:30):
accordingly. But the truth was,I couldn't share things with her
that I used to be able to sharewith her. I couldn't talk to her
the way I used to talk to her,because I knew that he was
setting her up to report back tohim, and the less he knew about
me and and what I was thinkingand what I was doing, the better
(10:52):
off it was for everyone. But asI got further and further into
my healing journey, I realizedhow important it was for me to
be truthful in myself, to followmy own truth, my own
authenticity. And as time wenton, it became very clear to me
(11:14):
that I was no longer going towear the mask that I felt I
needed to wear for, you know,being in my community and with
our friends, and that wasn't whoI was. You know, when you move
to suburbia and you you makefriends and your kids are all
the same age, and you kind oflike, spend time together and
(11:36):
lunches and dinners andvacations and all kinds of
stuff. It's like you conform toa certain lifestyle that
everybody somehow agrees to, notoutwardly, but, you know,
everyone kind of follows thesame path, you know, outwardly,
socially. And that was, youknow, what we signed up for when
(11:58):
we decided to get married andhave a child and move into our
house and and, you know, youlive a certain way, which would
have been fine if we had astrong foundation and a good
marriage and all of that. But,you know, clearly, as I've
spoken about all this time, wedidn't have that. So the shell
(12:18):
of our lifestyle became thatmuch more unwanted for me
because we didn't have a solidlife together inwardly. So by
the time I cut everybody out ofmy life and embarked on a path
by myself, you know, I wasdefinitely alone on an island,
(12:39):
but this island was becoming mymy safety, my security. I knew
at that point that there wasnobody that I could rely on
except myself, and that was likeat the hardest time of my life.
So it was very eye opening to meto see this, because you never
know how strong you are untilyou're put to a test like this.
(13:03):
You know, I've said it before.
Maybe it's an illness, maybeit's, you know, the the
declining health of a parent, oran addiction, or, you know,
anything like that. It'ssomething drastic and
devastating happens in your lifeto bring you to your knees, and
(13:23):
who else are you going to reachout to for help? For me, it was
a power greater than me, which Icall God. So you know, there was
a very apparent indication thatGod was looking out for me. He
allowed me to go through it,because I needed to go on this
journey, and I needed to findmyself, and I needed to come
(13:47):
back to myself, to love myself,to find my worth, to see my
value. And those were all thingsthat I couldn't have done
otherwise. So it's easy for meto look back now and be grateful
for the journey, because I'm ata place now where I like the
love I have for myself is offthe charts. Now, I know my
(14:09):
worth, I know my value. I knowwhat I bring to anybody's life,
and I'm proud. I'm so proud andso grateful for where I am now.
I mean, I'm out of the house for10 months now, and my whole life
is transformed, and I'm at apoint now where I don't give a
shit what anyone thinks aboutme. I'm not looking to get
(14:31):
anybody's approval. I don't needto ask for anyone's advice. I
don't need to ask for anyone'sopinions. If people are in my
life, it's because I choose tohave them in my life now,
because they add value to mylife and I add value to theirs,
I'm not begging for anyone to bein my life. I'm not settling for
anything less than I know Ideserve. I mean, I've got
(14:54):
boundaries now. I've gotstandards now that, I mean, I
don't recognize the old me.
Anymore, and I've taken all thistime to prove to myself that,
you know what? I love beingalone. I love being with people,
too, and I balance that time outvery, very nicely, but I love my
own company. There was a time Iused to look down at that, and
(15:15):
I'm sure a lot of people do. Iam so secure in who I am, and
I'm so proud of who I've become,and this is just the beginning,
and I have a direct connectionto God now where I don't make
decisions without consultinghim. Like I said, My intuition
is spot on, and I know whensomething is right for me and
(15:37):
when something is not right forme, and so far, he's guiding me
beautifully. And I'm so gratefulfor all of it. And even when
there are days that I feel likeI have setbacks or slip ups, and
you know, however you define aslip up or some some regression
of some sort, all it takes isgoing within and talking to God,
(15:58):
and by the time I'm done, I feelso much better, and I don't have
to carry those burdens anymore.
I give them all over to God andlet him handle it. So, you know,
the entire three years of livingtogether, I never retaliated
against my ex, I never stoopedto his level. And I the way that
(16:21):
I looked at it was, it's not myjob to offer up his karma. I
held my head high as much as Icould. I did the best I could as
a human being who was, you know,who was the target of somebody
trying to destroy me, but I roseout of the ashes every single
time. And I kept saying tomyself, it's not my job to
(16:42):
judge, that's God's job, and Godwill take care of his karma in
divine timing, and I trulybelieve that. And in all of the
Facebook groups that I'm in, thedivorce groups that I'm in, and
all the people I'm reaching withmy posts and comments, and all
of the posts and comments that Iread from everybody else, that's
(17:02):
the same thing that I keepreiterating to everyone else,
it's not our job to judgepeople, and God will take care
of karma, bad karma and goodkarma in divine timing. And
that's a very consistent messageI keep saying, because, you
know, who are we to judge otherpeople? Is really what it comes
(17:24):
down to for you know, for us tojudge others means that others
are judging us too. And eventhough we can't help when other
people judge us, we can help howmuch we judge others. And there
is a boomerang effect. We reapwhat we sow that's just what it
is, and it can be in a good way,or it could be in a bad way.
(17:46):
Personally, I choose to follow agood way, a good path. Not
everybody thinks about it, noteverybody cares about it. So,
you know, it'll be what it'llbe. I'm very aware of it now,
and therefore I follow a path oftruth and love and light and
authenticity. I'm not foreveryone. I don't expect
(18:06):
everyone to like me, love me,whatever, and I'm okay with
that.
Sometimes, you know, 10 monthsout of moving out of the house,
it's hard to look back andremember how bad it was, because
when you're in it and you're atotal victim, like not just
(18:29):
playing a victim, but being anactual victim, every day, you
know what you're in but whenenough time passes and things
get better and you're lookingforward and your life is moving
forward, it's sometimes hard toreflect back and recount just
how bad it was, but I stillremember, you know, it's it's
only been 10 months. Sometimesit feels like yesterday, and
(18:52):
sometimes it feels like, youknow, years and years ago. But
that's just a reminder of howfar I've come and how far I've
healed and and it's veryrewarding and very confirming.
And I don't need anybody else'svalidation. I get my validation
from God and the universe and,and that's enough for me. So I
(19:15):
encourage anybody who's still inthe thick of it, who's still in
the midst of pain and sufferingand the awful experience of
being in an awful, toxicdivorce, there are brighter days
ahead. I promise, promise youthat whatever you can do to help
yourself get stronger, getwiser. It's very easy to just
(19:41):
sit in your emotions and wallow,and as much as I understand that
it's not helpful, I'm not sayingyou're wrong for being there.
I'm just saying that, you know,at some point it would be more
helpful to kind of put that hurtand pain in a box. You know. In
your mind, at least, put it in abox, put the box on a shelf, and
(20:05):
put your logic hat on, you know,put your thinking brain on and
think about how you're going tomake your way through this. I'm
not saying it's so easy to justthink your way out of it, for
sure, not. But, you know, tothink of a strategy, to think of
a way, a plan, something thatyou can do for yourself, to move
(20:25):
yourself forward, emotionallyand logistically, so that you
can find yourself a pathforward. What I really
discovered was that self carewas so important. Self love was
so important. I mean, those twothings together were just like
mind blowing. I mean, nobodyhanded me a handbook to say how
(20:49):
you do that, and the only waythat I could come up with was to
think of different ways. Youknow, what does self care look
like to me? Sometimes it meantgetting my nails done, getting
my hair done, getting a massage.
Sometimes it meant, I don'tknow, listening to my favorite
music, or walking on the beach,or meeting a friend for lunch,
(21:11):
or, you know, anything. It couldbe anything that makes you feel
good about yourself. I mean, itcould be anything. Some people
like to go to the gym for selfcare. Some people like to, you
know, sit and hug a tree, or,you know, who knows, maybe you
stand and hug a tree and selflove. I mean, there can be so
(21:33):
many different ways of ofshowing that to yourself, but
for me, self love was, you know,literally sitting there and
hugging myself. It, you know,look, I spent most of my life in
therapy, so I'm verypsychologically minded. And, you
know, even up until recently, II've done a lot of inner child
(21:56):
healing. I I had a visionrecently when I was doing some
inner child work where I was atthe beach in my, you know, in my
vision, I was, I was at thebeach. I was sitting on the
rocks, overlooking the horizonand the sun, and I had my three
(22:20):
year old child sitting in mylap, and we were both looking
out at the at the horizon, and Iwas just hugging her, and we
were just sitting, you know, herin my lap, and me hugging her,
and just being at one with eachother. And it was such a
beautiful vision for me, and sohealing that, of course, I
(22:43):
started crying, but it was thatrecognition of her, and, you
know, she just needed love, andI was able to give it to her.
And you know, I've spent a lotof time with my inner child
lately, and whatever, but that'spart of healing, too. It's like,
you know, where do your woundscome from? Where does your
(23:03):
trauma come from? Most of thetime, it comes from childhood
and parents and whatever theirissues were in parenting. I
mean, it all gets passed downand what their parents were like
and grandparents and greatgrandparents. I mean, it goes
through the generations, and itgets passed on to you, and then
(23:26):
what are you supposed to do withit? So as I've been going
through all this healing, I'vereally kind of broken a lot of
generational curses along theway, things that my ancestors
weren't strong enough to do, andso those wounds kept getting
passed down through my lineage.
(23:46):
I know that this is kind of likeout there, what I'm talking
about. A lot of people don'tthink this way, and I
acknowledge that, but like Isaid, I I'm very psychologically
minded and now more spirituallyattuned and articulate that, you
know, I get that this is notsomething that most people think
(24:10):
about, and it's okay. I'm doingenough thinking for everyone,
but these are the things thatI'm discovering and healing
from, and I'm really proud ofall this work that I'm doing,
but, you know, it's interesting,because I've been thinking, you
know, I don't look like whatI've been through, and I'm aware
of that because I hide it. Well,it's not something I wear on my
(24:34):
face. And anybody meeting me forthe first time, or somebody
who's known me for a long timewould never really get how much
I've been through. I've beenthrough a lot. I mean, everybody
has. I'm not saying that I'mspecial in that way. I'm just
saying that the first 50, Iguess almost 55 years of my life
(24:56):
has been challenge afterchallenge after. A challenge. I
mean, you know, when I look backat all of the things that were
difficulties and challenges inmy life, I mean, they were
relentless, all meant tochallenge me and make me grow.
And you know, I would say forthe bulk of those years, I
(25:17):
wasn't really awake for it, likeI wasn't paying attention. I
wasn't attuned to it. I am nowmore than ever, but now I kind
of feel like my life is so muchmore peaceful, so much more
aligned, so much more at ease,and I'm really proud of of who I
(25:37):
am now. So I look forward totalking more about these kinds
of things with you guys, andsharing more lessons I've
learned and insights I've hadand all of that. So that was
another thing. In high school, Idiscovered that I had a gift of
insight, and maybe it wasbecause of all the therapy that
(25:59):
I was in or whatever. But Iremember sitting around the
dinner table with my family, andwe would be talking about
certain issues. I don't know ifit was like within our family or
just about somebody else, butthere would be issues about
someone, and I remember beingable to piece together and maybe
(26:21):
coming up with, like, the backstory of why something happened
the way it happened. And Iremember I was kind of, like,
impressed with the fact that Ihad this ability to see the
bigger picture and to piecethings together. And I I
discovered I had this gift ofinsight. And it's only been
something that has grown eversince, but I've always been able
(26:44):
to see things that other peoplehaven't really been able to see,
and it's kind of cool. Anyway,we'll talk more in future
episodes, but I just had all ofthis on my mind and wanted to
share it with you guys. Sothanks for listening, and I'll
see you in the next episode.
Please join me every Thursdayfor a new episode. You can reach
(27:07):
my website@podpage.com slash themusic of life. Feel free to
leave your email address. Youcan also leave a voicemail and
share any kinds of stories orexperiences or anything that
you'd like to talk about. Ipromise I will keep you
anonymous, but I assure you thatwhatever experiences or stories
(27:28):
you leave for me, you are notalone, and I would love to share
that with other people who arealso going through similar
things. Thanks again forlistening. I'll see you in the
next episode you.
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