December 23, 2025 • 61 mins
In this conversation on the New Ashla Podcast, Michael Perry and Justin Gates explore the complexities of setting and achieving New Year's resolutions, emphasizing the importance of realistic goal-setting, the role of motivation and discipline, and the impact of one's identity on goal achievement. They discuss how to build goals that resonate with one's true self, the significance of consistency over intensity, and the necessity of understanding the nervous system's role in managing stress and change. The conversation also highlights the importance of learning from failure and the need for self-trust in the journey of personal growth.
Link to James Clear's Atomic Habit Stacking and Goal Setting
https://jamesclear.com/atomic-habits/customer-confirmed
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Website: www.newashla.com
Takeaways
We live in a culture obsessed with starting over, but terrible at following through.
Motivation is a horrible fuel for change.
Goals often fail because they are built on unstable foundations.
Real change happens in small, consistent shifts within your routine.
You can't punish yourself into progress; it must be built on self-respect.
Discipline is about repetition and consistency, not rigidity.
The nervous system dictates how much discomfort we can handle during change.
Failure is a teacher, just as much as winning is.
Goals should be aligned with who you truly are, not who you wish to be.
You must learn to work with who you are in the moment.
Keywords
New Year's resolutions, goal setting, motivation, discipline, identity-based goals, nervous system, self-trust, consistency, personal growth, shadow work
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
We live in a culture obsessed with starting over, but terrible
at following through. Every year we promise ourselves
change, discipline, health, success, and peace.
And every year, most of those promises quietly die, not
because we are incapable, but because we are never taught how
real change actually works. We're getting close to the end
(00:21):
of the new year, right, or the end of the year right now.
And I figure this is the perfecttime to talk about making
resolutions and really being able to follow through.
So thanks for joining us today. Hello, and welcome to the new
(00:42):
Ashley Podcast. My name is Michael Perry, and
I'm joined today by Justin Gates.
We're talking about New Year's resolutions and how to actually
follow through on the goals you set.
Now, this is going to be a hard one because it's about making
goals more manageable. When you say Justin, I think
that's really where a lot of thetrouble first begins as we start
(01:03):
getting really elaborate. I think we I think, I think
we're talking about making them real yeah.
And, and understanding that these go, everything we do meets
us where we're at, whether we like it or not.
And if, if, if we don't tend to certain things, then it's going
to meet us in a bad spot. And I think that's, that's why
(01:25):
these things fail us, right? And most goals don't fail
because people are lazy or undisciplined.
They fail because they're built on unstable foundations.
Well, I'd say often it's based on this motivation of wanting
change, but there's no real structure to change.
Yeah, yeah, Motivation is a horrible fuel.
(01:46):
It is a horrible fuel for this, yeah.
It's like one of the things theytalk about in a lot of the books
I've read is it's when it comes to motivation.
When you start a project, you get all this hormonal hits of
dopamine and serotonin. You start feeling really engaged
and like you're doing something.And it does not take long before
that emotional high of accomplishing those goals starts
(02:09):
to fade. And with that fading, so does
our effort levels. Well, yeah, because we're out of
alignment somewhere or in many spots we're out of alignment.
We're allowing ourselves to be driven by this.
Again, we're treating motivationlike a fuel and it makes us
happy and and giddy and, and we think that's what's driving us.
(02:32):
But really that fuel burns out. But really motivation,
motivation is emotional and emotionals are not consistent,
are they? We talk about this all the time.
We have our peaks and valleys. Even the best of us, those of us
who know how to regulate and know how to, who have high
emotional IQ, we still have inconsistencies in our emotions
(02:55):
because we're human beings. And, and like you said, when
that when that fuel burns out orthat motivation dips or dives or
dodges, it really brings down the whole structure of our goal
because again, we're building them on, on, on something that's
not stable or consistent even for the best of us.
Yeah, it's like when I look at setting goals, when you actually
(03:17):
want to cultivate a goal for some, like a workout routine is
a great example. That's something that's
perpetual. It's not I'm going to clean this
room, which is finished. After you complete it, It it's
you push the ball down, it starts going downhill.
You have that momentum from the hormones, but then you got to
push it uphill. And momentum is pushing things
uphill because it takes you cultivating the habit before it
(03:40):
starts going over the tip and starts going downhill and pushes
itself. Yeah.
I think it's what takes 30 to 90days to develop a habit.
And that's if you could stick with it, man, that's the hard
part. That's the hard part because
because we have to build it on something that's real.
And what's real, whether we wantto admit it or not, or whether
(04:02):
we're trying to hide from it or ignore it is where we're at our,
our lowest level of healing is where these things meet us,
where all of these things meet us.
And that's why that's why in this podcast we talk a lot about
let's let's pause and face thesethings so that we're not
suffering from them later, right?
But aren't a lot of goals drivenby pressure?
(04:25):
What do you say? Oh yeah, pressure.
Shame. It's, it's this needing to
create change in our lives and not for the desire of wanting
that change. It's feeling like, oh, I'm
overweight and you're shaming yourself for the way you look,
or I'm going to quit drinking because I know it's a problem
and it's impacting people aroundme.
Those are motivators. But that's not what's going to
(04:45):
help you actually overcome, which you need to to be to
create a sustained and actionable plan.
Yeah. Yeah, those things are formed in
those moments of self judgement,you know, the the whole I need
to fix myself, right? And that's, that's one of the
prime motivators for the new year every year.
(05:06):
Or as you said, a little bit of shame.
I should be better by now. What's wrong with me this year?
This year, I won't mess it up. I'm not going to mess it up,
Michael. This year is the year.
It's my year when those things are running the engine of your
life, that that goal is already compromised.
Before you even get moving, before you're out of the gate,
you've already sabotaged it. Well, it's like, how often is it
(05:26):
shame that propels us to want tomake change, but in the end,
shame is exactly what brings us right back to where we were.
Whether it's feeling uncomfortable at the gym or
trying to drown those emotions, it is this horrible cycle that
just keeps us perpetuating. Look, man, you can feel your you
can feel your race car up with as much motivational fuel as you
want, but if three out of four your tires are flat, you're not
(05:49):
going anywhere. You're just not.
You're just laughing. You're not going to go anywhere.
But, but another big reason is because we build these goals
around around these ideal conditions.
That's a really big one too. When things are good, it's easy
to feel motivated and it's easy to feel.
And This is why the path of Bachelor and this podcast and,
(06:13):
and everything we do related to that, make sure we leave room
for shadow work because you know, we have to, we have to be
ready more than we need to plan on fanciful conditions.
We have to make sure we have readiness in our, in our bones,
right? Because what?
(06:33):
Well, I was just going to say, because you know, you'll plan
for a version of your life whereyou're always rested perfectly
and you're always uninterrupted and you're always confident and
you're always emotionally regulated.
But these things are not guarantees.
These things are not something that we, even the best of us,
have trouble keeping consistently, because why?
We're human beings. Now a Teal Swan, in her book The
(06:56):
Completion Process, she talks about how one of the things that
really sabotages people the mostis we have when it comes to
parts work, which is something I'm getting more and more into
lately. I find it fascinating.
But if you have two parts that have conflicting desires, this
again why shadow work is so important.
You will always end up sabotaging the goal until you
(07:17):
get both parts aligned with creating that same having that
same outcome. Because if one party who wants
to start working out so you can be fit and feel confident in
yourself, but the other part is afraid of the has the shame of
being seen, it's going to constantly try to deter you from
going to the gym because you're going to be putting yourself
into an uncomfortable situation.Right.
(07:37):
You'll be around a lot of peopleand if you're out of shape,
you're going to feel scared thatyou're there and and, and
really, yeah, that that's a big problem, this identity conflict
that you're talking about, because it does go unaddressed
for most of us. Either we don't know how to
address it, or we just like you said, we just rather just hide
it because like you said, a partof you may want growth, but
(08:00):
another parts just want safety and familiarity or, you know,
that that emotional kind of armor to protect them from
literally everything outside of them.
But you know, these these unexpected responsibilities come
up. Life does not work the way that
we plan. There's there's energy
(08:21):
fluctuations, there's stress, right?
There's life, life, life. Life provides us plenty of
opportunities to practice and practice and practice some more.
So if you build these goals on these identity issues, or if you
build these goals around these perfect days, those goals will
(08:43):
those goals, those plans, those wish it, want it, do it's
they're not going to survive ordinary life and they're.
Just, you know, for everyone listening now, New Year's
resolutions for me, most of my adult life, I have been so
religious about making the perfect plan like I had.
I would make a binder, I'd have my schedule laid out, I would
(09:04):
have my action steps. I would plan out my New Year's
resolutions. And one of the most important
things, if you take away anything from this episode, I
know this is an episode on New Year's resolutions.
Do not let New Year's be what causes resolutions, because the
minute the New Year's over and you don't have things that
stick, you quit and then you wait a year.
That was the year. I was constantly in.
(09:26):
You can't wait again these perfect days, right?
Yeah. We're waiting for New Year's to
come around because that's the day I'm going to change my life.
Now, resolutions are something that happens with effort and
consistency. And it also means that if you
fall off the bandwagon, you get back on it.
You don't build habits without friction.
No. And it's about learning to keep
(09:46):
getting on that horse. Literally right before this
episode, before we start recording this episode, you said
to me, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as many blogs as I
planned And what did I say to you?
You'll. Pick it up when you're ready
and. Find a spot to pick it back up
and just do it because that's because that's how you get back
(10:08):
on, right? Nobody, nobody ever ever sticks
to their plans 100% even even ifyou plan them and you do all the
emotional work and you do all the stuff we're talking about,
something will throw a wrench init.
I promise you. That's life.
But but the deeper truth here isthat you're not failing your
(10:29):
goals. You're just, you're just
catching stray. Sometimes it's just the way it
is, right? But that's the truth.
But if your inner system is built on fear or pressure or
self rejection, no amount of motivation or willpower will
ever sustain that lasting change.
Because goals that survive real life must be built on honesty
(10:53):
and structure, realistic structure, not this fanciful
stuff and compassion for yourself.
Grace and compassion that, yeah,guess what?
You're going to fall off that horse and you got to get you
just got to get back up there and not and not, you know, not
not look for the perfect opportunities like the next new
year, because that's a horrible.And don't judge yourself for
(11:14):
falling off the horse. And, and besides, the new year
is a horrible time. And, and by the way, this is a
new new year. The old New Year's used to be in
spring back in the day, right? That was a much better time to
start changing things because the weather was better, there
was plenty of food and there wasall kinds of things.
The middle of winter is the mosthorrible time to try and change
(11:35):
something. I never do New Year's
resolutions. I I, and because I'm never in a
good mood in the middle of winter, man, I'm cold and I'm
grumpy and, you know, I'm just trying to stay alive and and
warm. So anyways, yeah.
(11:56):
So that so so you are you were talking about or we have been
talking about how fanciful we try to be an extra like really,
there really is a difference between a golden fantasy, isn't
there? Yeah, I mean, I, I think one of
the places people get hung up the most is they fail to take
(12:16):
into account who they are today.There it's there's this concept
in psychology that there's the ideal self and then there's the
true self. And we have the more elaborate
the ideal self is, the more selfesteem and self respect is
lowered. And when we set goals, often
it's like I'm going to be that successful business owner this
(12:38):
year. That's what I'm going to do.
And then they get, they get hit with all the rejection they had
to realize they don't have all the skills that they thought
would just come naturally. You know, we got to meet reality
where it's at. If we ignore our current skill
sets and habits, we're going to be met with resistance every
time. And that resistance can
overpower us easy, especially ifwe don't take into account the
(12:59):
reality of what it's going to take.
Yeah, I you're bringing up one of the most common mistakes
people make is mistake mistakingthat fantasy for intention,
right? Yeah, because fantasies feel
fun, man, inspiring and clean and powerful, whereas goals feel
(13:22):
kind of grounded and sometimes boring and often inconvenient,
especially the ones we make around health and dieting and,
you know, working out and stuff.That's that's probably the
biggest one. I, I, I see people make you ever
been to the gym for more than three months in a row.
It sucks, man. It hurts.
(13:42):
It hurts. You know, you smell funny and
you know, you don't ever see any.
You don't ever see any real progress because you're looking
at yourself every day. Someone else.
You know, This is why it's like,you know, someone else come up
to do you say, man, you must be working out feels good.
But we never see it because it'shard for us to kind of gauge
that because we're always constantly with ourselves.
(14:02):
So yeah, but. When I think the gym is another
important one to look at becauseit's like one of the things I
had to learn the hard way is like gym has always been on my
list of I want to build this habit and I have struggled and
I've struggled and I've come to realize like you got to realize
where your lifestyle it is who you are as a person.
For me, the one time I was able to start hitting the gym and do
it for six months consecutively is when I found a workout
(14:26):
program that worked for me hiking.
I joined a kickboxing group where they would run us through
different exercises. It's about finding what is
something you can at least find in some enjoyment in when you're
doing it. Because going and hitting the
bench press every day isn't for everyone.
Going and running a tread going running a 5K is not for
everyone. You got to find what exercise
(14:48):
speaks to you. Yeah, the future is always in
motion, always in motion, right?We talk about this a lot where
the choices we make now create apotential future and a potential
future version of us. And fantasies ignore that fact.
They ignore who we are today. We fantasize about who we want
(15:11):
to be and who we are in the future without doing the work
here, making the choices here, cutting the you know, cutting
cost and and doing these other things.
It because it bypasses your current habits, your current
energy patterns, your responsibilities and even the
capacity of your vessel. You know, it it it just imagines
(15:37):
a future version of you who wakes up different behaves
differently somehow magically nolonger struggling problems in
the world, right. It just you know, and it feels
good to do that. You know, I have fallen victim
to that many times back in the wish it want to do it days, you
know, you know, but but again, all that does is create that
(16:02):
fuel, that motivation that just can't sustain.
You can't because again, you're,you're driving on, driving on
three flat tires, man. It just, you have to address the
tires before, before the fuel's ever, ever in question.
Yeah, I mean, I think the key thing to keep in mind is if your
goal requires you to become a different person overnight, it's
(16:22):
not a goal, it's an escape. It is you trying to cling to
something outside of you. Right, because a real goal
starts where you actually are It, it, it's, it's built
respectively to what your current lifestyles are, your
current habits, your current emotional state, your current
whatever. And it doesn't just try to
(16:44):
override it or ignore it. It's like, you know, to be real.
It's like giving my real energy,my real schedule, my real
nervous system. You know what is sustainable for
me now, right? Not, not what I what I wish I am
in 15 years or whatever, becauseI'll tell you right now, the guy
I am right now was not the guy Iever assumed I'd be 15 years
(17:07):
ago. I promise you that, right?
I promise you that. And thank God I didn't, you
know, hold attachment to that because I'd be really
disappointed, I think, yeah, I like where I'm at.
I love what I do, but this isn'tsomething I would even consider
for myself. So yeah, you got to.
(17:28):
You got to be respectful to yourcurrent present self so that you
can build that future. Yeah.
And I think that's why it's so important that when you're
building these goals, you know, there's a difference between
identity based goals and outcomebased goals.
And a lot of people have their goals based on these fantasies,
(17:50):
these ideals we want to hold ourselves to, but we got to be
able to again, meet ourselves where we're at.
It's at one of the best books out there.
Atomic Habits by James Clear talks about how when you're
incorporating goals, it's about little shifts within your
routine. A plane flying to the UK, if it
(18:12):
deviates by 1°, flying from the United States, it'll land up in
Africa. And real change happens in these
little these little shifts we make in our lifestyles, not in
these dramatic I'm hitting the gym five days a week starting
this year, not in. I'm going to quit drinking all
together. This is why, This is why when I
(18:34):
teach visualization, I do it I do it in a much different way
that then you would typically see, don't I?
Because you know, you get stuck in that fantasy, you get stuck
in that movie that you're creating.
Yes, it is important to see and feel and and and let yourself
experience that thing you want to become.
(18:57):
But you cannot let that carry you into a fantasy because one
of two things will happen. Either A you'll just give up
because you'll just be happy with the fantasy and you won't
actually care about getting to the goal right, or B you'll
you'll blur that line between real, what's real and what's
not. And then because these fantasies
fixate on the outcomes, the body, the income, the
(19:20):
transformation. And if you're fixated and you
are certainly just just keeping the fantasy alive through your
visualizations and not doing anyof the work that you have to do,
the hard work, the crappy work, the boring work, the normal
whatever work to get there, thenyou're going to be really,
really, really beat down from that.
(19:44):
And you're going to be trapped by that.
Because again, you obsess over the end picture too much while
ignoring those those basic tiny little things, like you said,
those basic tiny daily behaviorsthat you must do that are
required to get there or to get to some version of there.
You know, we can't, we can't obsess over the the outcome.
(20:06):
We got to let go. We got to surrender to the
process. We must.
And we, we say this a lot with the law of attraction stuff.
We must identify what we need, identify what we want.
We, we have to kind of visualizethat a little bit.
But we have to let the process work.
(20:27):
We have to let ourselves surrender so that we can do
those little things without being obsessed with that.
Well, I think another key thing is this like is the goal that
you want to obtain something that is even that even resonates
with who you are as a person. You know, I, I had someone who
was really who's really dear to me and he was always chasing the
entrepreneurial dream, but his, his ideas and aspirations never
(20:51):
had anything to do with his personality or who he was.
It was just, I need to go make money.
And it's like, that's great. But unless you have A the skill
set to follow this path, or B enough personal interest to
carry you through learning what you need to, you're not going to
be able to reach where you want to go.
(21:12):
Yeah, right, right. Because and, and this is, this
is another trap, you know, he, that that person is, is, is just
in the comparison game. Well, I see them doing this.
I want to, I, I, I want what they have.
I don't need to know how they got it or what.
And, and it's usually a lot of stuff and it's usually very,
very niche down to where you must resonate.
(21:32):
We talked about this on on a fewepisodes back, probably a few
months ago, where you get what you resonate with, not with what
you want or wish for. So we have.
What I think? We have to change our alignment
if that's what we want. We must also, you know, do all
these little tiny, boring human things, but we also must align
(21:54):
ourselves to that. Well, that's, that's such an
important point because again, Ithink that I know for me that
was my greatest issue is I was down here and my goals were up
here. And yeah, it's great to have
these aspirations and see what Iwant to become, but I had no
realistic perspective of the work it was going to take to get
here. If we don't make that bar a
(22:14):
little bit higher instead of through the roof, we're going to
always meet with resistance and we're always going to fail.
Like there's that small handful of times you might succeed, but
I tell you it's going to happen 2 times maybe in your life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You certainly cannot compare
without knowing what that personwent through to get to that,
(22:34):
because it may not even be possible for you to do it the
way they did it, because maybe the way they did it had a lot of
stuff before they even knew theywanted to do that.
You just, you got, you just can't compare you.
You have to. You have to have faith and trust
that the universe has things foryou too.
You know, you can't just comparewhat the universe is giving
(22:55):
someone else, what God has givensomeone else, because you know,
we all, we all have different needs, we all have different
purposes. We all have different things
that we are really good at. And it doesn't do us any good to
to compare. And again, it's not a race.
It doesn't matter where that person starting out, either in
front of you or behind you, they've, they're running their
(23:16):
race. You run years.
Well, it's just like what kind of how much luck was in their,
in their circumstances that led to that?
What was their network like and the opportunities that presented
itself there? And mind you, I'm a firm
believer that luck isn't just something where you stumble
across $1,000,000. Luck is where preparation meets
opportunity. But.
And awareness. Yeah.
(23:37):
Yeah. Well, it's like, what's your
favorite saying? It's like you never rise to who
you want to become if you alwaysfall to the level of lowest
level of your training. Yep, or the lowest level.
Because life will humble you at some point in time you might get
that high starting off, but the minute that wears off, you're
going to fall to your lowest level of training.
(23:57):
Right, because your your your, your opponent may have better
training. Their lower level training may
be higher than yours. This also applied to healing
you. You fall to your lowest level
level of healing too. That's just, that's just, that's
why we practice, practice, practice.
And that's why we we do these things.
We try to make them habits in our lives so that that level of
(24:22):
healing or that level of training gets a little higher
ever as we go a little bit more.And then eventually it becomes
effortless action. And even when it and, and even
when it becomes effortless action, Michael, you still got
to watch out. You know, it'll humble you.
Life will throw curveballs at you.
It will stress you out. It will, you know, yeah.
(24:43):
So when we look at, we were talking a bit about motivation,
and motivation is a fairly unreliable source of drive to
really help you carry habits andnot just into the New Year's,
but into the future. What would you say instead is
the most important thing to helpyou carry your goals into the
next stage? Instead of motivation, I, I, I
(25:07):
would sit down and look at what actual realistic results that I
want, right? I, I, I would start building
around that because again, that honors the ethos of truth, that
honors the ethos of connection and it, and it also honors the
ethos of integrity because again, if you're creating goals
(25:27):
that does not align with who youreally are on the inside,
they're, they're just not going to get very far right?
They're just not. And you know, that kind of
brings us to these identity based goals versus the outcome
based goals, doesn't it? Yeah.
Those definitely when I think another key thing here is just
the discipline you have in your life.
(25:49):
Discipline is so important and many people don't take this as a
measurement that they evaluate, but where do?
Where does our discipline lie? Are we someone who has?
Have we trained our nervous systems to handle the threshold
of stress that comes when we're under pressure?
Our things aren't going our way because realistically, our
(26:10):
nervous system is the direct gauge that tells us just how
much discomfort we can handle, and it's discipline that helps
us carry us through those moments.
Well, and again, discipline is based on alignment.
You know, I, I am, I'm a very disciplined individual.
I could sit for hours and hours and hours.
(26:31):
I can do a lot of things that that that would people would
consider to be and consider maybe the highly disciplined,
including dealing with stress. But if the things I'm doing and
and the result, the reasons for my stress, if I'm not aligned
aligned with that, in other words, if it's not something I
actually want to do, then the stress will crack, will crush
me, even though I'm really disciplined.
(26:52):
So again, this goes back to alignment.
You have to be aligned and you have to learn to resonate with
the things you really, really actually want.
And a spoiler alert, those are often not the same things.
Things we want aren't necessary,aren't usually the things we're
resonating to, in both a good way or a bad way.
(27:13):
So so so. When I think you brought it up
perfectly, how much of what we're trying to do is that in
direct comparison to someone else or some ideal life we want
to have? Again, the person I cared about
who always, always chasing the entrepreneur, being an
entrepreneur. And it's like I saw his motive.
His motive is I wanted that nicehouse, I wanted that nice car.
I wanted to provide for my family, which is beautiful
(27:34):
aspirations, but that's not something that's going to be
able to carry you through the struggle that is becoming an
entrepreneur, especially when there's going to be a lot of
times where you don't have that kind of money.
Because, Because. Because they were taught to
chase outcomes like all of us were right.
Lose the weight. Because this guy looks better.
(27:56):
I want to look like that guy. Lose the weight.
This guy is this guy. Is this guy or this lady's rich.
I want to make the money. These people are are madly in
love and and I see them and I got to find the relationship.
I got to finish the project. Now these things sound very
practical. And that somebody, somebody
would really argue that. Well, yeah, this is the best way
(28:18):
to go about it because it's likethis peer pressure in kind of a
good way. And, you know, no, no, no, no,
no, no, we. And that's the high, high, high
motivation, tons of external validation which we do not give
a crap about and perfect our ideal conditions, but they're
(28:39):
fragile. Because again, when life says
Nope and it flicks you in your third eye, then everything comes
falling all all around you. But these identity based goals
work in the opposite direction because instead of asking what
do I, what do I want to achieve?You learn to ask, who must I
become in order for this to be natural or for this to resonate
(29:02):
and come to me? That was one of the greatest
epiphanies I had on this journey.
I realized I was constantly looking at the top of the
mountain from the summit and be like I can get there in three
steps. Little did I realize the person
that need to become that would have to learn how to trek
through the cold. And.
Make a fire and. Yes.
(29:23):
Hunt for food and and. It doesn't mean I'm at the peak
still, but I'm learning. Habits rarely grow out of
desire, at least at least the ones that last.
They rarely grow out from desire.
They grow out of self concept, out of doing this work where we
face ourselves and we try to integrate all parts of ourselves
(29:45):
into into a whole to a whole being.
Because if someone even believesjust a little bit and we talk
about how our thoughts rotate and and repeat and repeat and
repeat, repeat, right. If someone had if someone has
just an inkling of belief that they are inconsistent, or if
they really actually are inconsistent or they're
(30:07):
undisciplined or they're always behind or you know, they, they
will unconsciously sabotage eventhe best plan.
There is no perfect plan that can stand the the pressure of
that right? And it's not about laziness or
it's not about ignorance or being stupid or or not knowing
how to do the perfect plan. It's because these present
(30:27):
behaviors are in conflict with who they believe they are.
Yeah, well, it's like how much self trust is there, right?
Because I think a lot of people never take that into account
either when self trust is the one of the most important
variables to having goals and making change in life.
Yeah, yeah. And, and, and this is, you know,
(30:47):
I know I use a lot of affirmations and I talked about
visualization earlier. This is why I don't, I don't
allow my students to at least ever hear from me.
I don't that, you know, things like affirmations are magic
pills because your identity doesn't change through
affirmations or visualizations alone.
It changes through the repeated action that provides evidence.
(31:09):
We are, we need evidence. Human beings need evidence for
things we do. It's just what we are.
But evidence is a small part, trust and faith is the larger
part. But if we if we create this
evidence for ourselves, even tiny, even small, like kept
promises, right, or doing thingsfor ourselves that we say we're
(31:34):
going to do the whole jar of marbles things.
The marble is small, the jar is faith and trust.
We fill that up with little bitsof evidence, right?
And this, this will start to rewrite that rewrite that
internal narrative because everyaction says to us, it's evidence
of this is who I am now and thenthis is who I am now and then
(31:56):
this is who I am now. And that jar gets fuller and
fuller over time. Our whole self will start to
accept that new identity as truth because it is true.
Absolutely. And besides, man, you know,
like, like these outcome based goals, when you're changing
these things, you're comparing you just, I mean, it just wears
you down, dude. You get exhausted because you're
(32:18):
just trying, trying to drag yourold, your old self around and
you're trying to run it around and, and try to be like this
person or this person or a future self.
These identity based, these identity based things are, are
more quiet there, but but they're stronger, they're more
boring. There's less dopamine, very
(32:39):
little motivation required because you're taking small
little steps to unfold into something, into someone who
shows up, someone who practices,someone who follows through,
even especially imperfectly, because you're not meant to be
perfect, meant to be present. Well, I've seen it so many times
where it's, I mean, think about sales positions.
I had a friend who went into sales and it's just this and I,
(33:02):
I was guilty of this too, 10 years ago.
I got into sales and it's like, I want to jump in there.
I'm going to be able to make these cold calls.
I'm going to be able to deal with the rejection.
I got this. And then you realize as, as the
weeks go on, it's like, wow, my,my pay is impacted by how good I
am at this. And it's just like, I guess it
does take longer than a month toincorporate these skills.
(33:25):
And it's been great because I have a friend who's works in
construction and he's been jumping into sales the last
couple years and he he's me and him have been on the healing
journey together for years and just always resonate with each
other. It's been great watching him.
He's been practicing sales down for two years.
He's not amazing at it, but he'sgetting good.
At it, right? And it took that consistency of
two years of dealing with those rejections, constantly putting
(33:48):
himself out there and learning the trade set.
But it's something that resonates deep within him.
You know that that's where you feel that that resiliency.
Dude, sale sales is a rough gig,man.
Let me tell you something. I'm, I'm going to date myself
here because I don't think thesepeople haven't.
I don't think these people have been in business for like God,
(34:09):
20 years probably, I don't know,maybe.
But when I was like 17, man, I, I took a job as a telemarketer
for a, for a picture company called Olden Mills.
Remember Olden Mills? I do not.
So it's a, it's an old, old ass,like it was like a photo studio
place, right? And they had these little photo
(34:31):
studios like set up in malls back when malls were like bigger
and more popular. And I'd go in there after
school, I'd go in there and I'd have like this little closet
that I'd sit in with a, with a telephone and I'd just get a
list. And I thought, man, this would
be easy money. Dude.
I, I, I learned quickly that I hate selling things and I never
(34:51):
will because I do not resonate with that, right?
It's, it's not getting yelled at.
It's not getting, you know, called names and stuff.
It was I, I just, I just couldn't see myself giving a
crap about selling anything. So I never resonated with it.
It was which, which I know, I, Iknow you've kind of poked at me
a little bit over the, over the last couple years.
(35:13):
It's like, you know, you don't have to be a salesman, Justin,
but you need to start, you need to Start learning how to market
yourself a little better. And, you know, but I think those
are very two different things, at least for me, you know?
Well, and I think one of the keyfactors and this ties into this
authenticity and it's that are you selling something that
you're passionate about or are you just selling something to
(35:35):
sell something, right? Because I realized that was the
big thing for me was I've had two different positions where
I've jumped into sales and one of them I was passionate about
and the other one I wasn't. And I lasted far longer in the
position of trying to sell something that I'm like, you
know what? I believe in this product
compared to man. I really feel like I'm just
(35:55):
trying to take people's money. Right.
Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you really have to,
you really have to resonate because we always talk about,
we're going to talk about motivation and discipline in the
nervous system, but you really have to decide it, it it does
this resonate with me? Can this meet me or you know,
(36:20):
if, when this, let's say when this meets me where I am, am I
ready for this? Even if I do want it, even if I
do resonate with it, what kind of work do I have to do?
So you really have to, again, you have to really identify with
the goal in a way that you know,am I, am I truly ready?
(36:42):
Who must I become in order for this to be easy or natural and
lasting so? No, exactly.
You know, I think one of the most important things when we're
building a habit, when we're trying to do something new is
the discipline of repetition, Being able to constantly work
(37:02):
that muscle that we're not used to working or not using the
muscle we're used to working, depending on what the habit or
change is. Right.
And when we're doing this, I think setting realistic
expectations on ourselves when it comes to the frequency.
I know Allison and I, we, we've made a goal of the last month,
(37:23):
we're going to exercise more andit's not going to be, we're
going to hit the gym five days aweek.
It's like, let's just start getting simple movement in.
Let's go for the days we're not podcasting or we're not, we
don't have plans going on. Let's go for a walk.
And so every day that we don't have anything going on, we go
for a walk. So 3-4 times a week.
Right. And like, my goal is to get to
(37:44):
the gym because I do want to start doing that type of
exercise, but it's probably going to be transition from
walking to then going and using the treadmill twice a week.
Yeah. I mean, one of the things James
Clear brings up in his book is like, often just make the goal,
Go to the gym, drive up to it, sit in the parking lot, leave.
Next day, drive up, walk inside for a minute, leave.
(38:06):
Like just get yourself used to build that muscle that's never
been exercised or that's atrophied slowly.
You're talking about discipline,right?
Yeah, motivation is very seductive, but it's super
unreliable. Emotions feel great sometimes,
They feel bad sometimes too. But those are also unreliable
(38:28):
peaks and valleys for all these things.
Because the moment, you know, everything starts to feel
exciting and hopeful, and then the moment something comes that
is inconvenient or heavy or whatever, it's, it's goodbye to
those goals. But what you're talking about is
discipline. And you know, discipline isn't
just formed in karate studios orthe military, right?
(38:50):
You know, it's building these tiny little things that build
into habits. That's discipline.
Because you walk, you guys walk for three or four times a week,
long enough. Nothing's going to.
Nothing out of the ordinary is going to really stress that,
right? Because, OK, fine, We don't get
(39:11):
to walk at 1:00. We'll just walk at 3.
Whatever, you know? Right?
Right. Yeah.
Because, again, life happens, right?
It does. And discipline is built through
repetition on something. Discipline is not about force or
being rigid. It's about repetition,
consistency, building habits, like like you said, if, if these
things happen, when things become so familiar and normal
(39:35):
that they no longer require any kind of emotional negotiation or
requiring any kind of motivation, discipline is what
stays. If you stick with something,
discipline is that thing that that replaces motivation.
So, you know, we talk about the nervous system a lot.
What role does that play in, in,in this?
You know, I, I think on the surface most people would be
(39:56):
like, hey, you guys talk about the nervous system a lot.
Well, it literally wires your entire body.
So it's important. But yeah, in setting goals.
Well your nervous. System.
I mean, it determines everythingabout you.
In setting goals, Michael, no one's ever said that before.
What do you mean nervous system?Why?
Why is it important? Because I'm sure most people
would be like what? You know, it's again sort of
(40:18):
falling to your lowest level of training.
Your nervous system dictates your actions.
You brought up perfectly earlierhow our unconscious mind is what
is 95% of our thoughts and that's out of our control.
We may think that 5% where we'relike, I'm going to do this, I'm
going to become that. I'm what we are consciously
thinking of is what we're going to do.
(40:41):
But it's that 95% of unconsciousthoughts which are tied directly
to the nervous system. They will dictate how difficult
things are for you and your nervous system when you're
making change in your life, which is any goal you set will
probably bring some discomfort to.
You. Your nervous system is going to
flare up. So are those self defeating
(41:02):
thoughts or the self sabotaging thoughts?
Depending on what direction it decides to go.
And it depending on how resilient we get with our
nervous system, depending on howmuch we've learned resilience
with our nervous system is how well we're going to be able to
handle that discomfort that comes with change.
So the nervous system mastery isthe most important part of
(41:25):
creating change in life and how much change you can create at a
time. Well, because it literally
decides how much stress or uncertainty and effort you can
tolerate without shutting down. It's, it's in charge of that
until you, until you regulate it, until you take control,
right. And like, like all, like many
(41:46):
things we talked about, if your,if your system associates change
with danger, which in a lot of us it does, or if it associates
it with failure or rejection or loss of control, it will resist
the most positive affirmation, the most beautiful
visualization. It will sabotage, it will stop
you because it will make it hurt.
It will, it will make it hurt. And this is where that sabotage
(42:12):
kind of enters. You'll start missing days, or
you'll start being really. You'll start procrastinating a
lot, or you'll forget, or you'llalways be super tired for no
reason all the time, right? Just to name a few things.
Well, I think those are some keypoints.
What about that? What about that quote you have
in the that quote you have in inthe the show notes?
(42:35):
And C beats intensity every time.
It's about showing up. It's not.
It's about giving your best and by your best.
It's not 100% every day. It's if you got 20% in to give
that day, you're given that 20% because often it's like, I'm
going to kill it today. You go through a few days of
that and then you're like, well,I'm not going to kill it today,
so maybe I should just wait tilltomorrow.
(42:55):
And man, that you're done. It's over, game over.
It's just about being consistentwith yourself.
And again, this is one of the reasons why those micro goals
are so important. Setting those small realistic 1%
pivots in your life instead of thinking you need to do a full
180. Yeah, you know, discipline isn't
(43:17):
built by pushing harder, being more resistant.
It's built by creating consistency, like you said, tiny
little small actions repeated asclose to center as we can, right
as calmly as we can. We do teach ourselves, our
nervous system, our emotional states, everything we teach it
(43:38):
that growth does not equal a threat.
And this takes time. But when when discipline is
aligned with these, progress stops feeling like a self
betrayal and it starts to be actually sustainable, which, you
know, which brings us to our next section, which you already,
you already kind of said, you know, start small enough to win
(43:59):
daily. Set yourself up for fail or set
yourself up for success that way.
Because the goals that survive real life are not impressive on
paper. They're really boring.
They're really crazy looking, you know, but they are livable.
That's the point. They're livable.
The goal is to climb a mountain.It's going to take going and
(44:19):
hitting the treadmill a couple months at least to get your body
physically capable of just handling the terrain, let alone
any other skills you got to learn.
Well, and but that. Treadmill does not sound
exciting on paper. No, no, it doesn't sound
exciting just thinking about it.I hate the treadmill, but these
things are livable. They are built to work on your
stressful days, on your tired days, on your on these imperfect
(44:42):
seasons, on the the things that we really would like to not to
do, like ride the treadmill. And again, this goes back to
setting those goals only that work only on perfect conditions.
But you got to start small enough to win daily and you got
and you got to, you know, don't over celebrate, but but kind of,
(45:03):
you know, pay attention to your wins, right, But.
You have to celebrate your wins.Yes, that was one of the hardest
ones for me is realizing, hey, Ineed to make sure that I don't
just keep moving the goal posts,that I see what I'm doing and I
am proud of myself because it's when I move the goal post, all
of a sudden I have no recognition for myself and I
constantly feel defeated. Yes, that again, it goes back to
(45:25):
the jar of marbles, Man, Just every day is a win.
Especially if you were thrown off, throwing off course, but
you figured out a way to still do the thing even under
imperfect conditions. That's even better.
That's even a bigger win. Yeah.
You got to build trust with yourself.
(45:46):
And another thing you got to do is we talked about this much
earlier in the show, but we'll say it again.
You have to attach your goals toroutines, not your mood swings.
Yeah. You know another important thing
that James Clear brings up in his book is habit stacking.
I know for me, the reason I was able to do that six months
(46:07):
routine going to the kickboxing is because the classes started
as soon as I got off of work. There was no going home and
having that chance to be stuck there.
I had my gym bag in the car and I would change it, work and then
I would leave. Go straight to the gym, figure
out where you're going to be. Have the least resistance or the
least things to pull you away from your goals.
Yes, that's, and this is a really powerful one because we
(46:31):
tie these things to stuff we already do, you know, like
waking up or brushing our teeth or making coffee or we talked
about this in the, in the ritualshow.
You know, rituals are just routines, right?
Shutting down for the night. You stack these things, as you
said, you stack these things on,on top of stuff we've always
been doing forever. And that helps it, it helps it,
(46:52):
it helps it not be so optional. It doesn't give us a way out.
Like you said, man, I got, I got5 minutes to get changed and and
I, I make it to this class because I got to drive up to
this class. This helps it become part of the
rhythm of your day and of your life, your daily life, your
daily, boring, ordinary life, right?
(47:13):
Journaling. Do it right before you go to
bed. Do you go to the same time?
Go to bed at the same time everynight?
Keep that journal right there, right next to your phone charger
where you're plugging your phonein, and pick it up before you
plug your phone in. Yep, Yep.
Yeah. And talk about then.
And Speaking of journaling, makesure you track consistently your
(47:35):
wins and what you're doing and where you need to adjust.
And let this goal be living likeyou, right?
Make sure you're tracking it consistently.
And you're not. You're not making sure that
you're staying perfect. You're just.
But this helps you stay present within it too, because
perfection just just invites shame.
(47:55):
But consistency trains our identity to this goal.
And when you focus on showing upagain and again, even
imperfectly, you will reinforce that trust and that belief in
that faith that you are someone who can follow through.
And that's why it's important tocelebrate these little wins too.
Dude, I did it yesterday. Dude, I did it the day before.
(48:16):
Dude, I did it the day before that, man, I'm killing it,
right? And don't, don't treat, don't
treat the missteps as data, because they're not data that
you're writing down. And you know, they're not
verdicts, they just help you again, stay present, even
imperfectly. I think another really important
thing to keep in mind, Awesome. Do not set tons of goals.
(48:37):
Keep it manageable. No more than three and even
that's pushing it. Especially if there's someone
who's struggles with getting outof your comfort zone or making
change in life. Start with one or maybe 2.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah.
That, that whole, that whole, you know, chasing burst of
effort and not building a, a lasting system and something
(48:59):
that really we don't like to do because it feels icky is that we
don't build in the possibility of a failure.
Now, I know that sounds like kind of, you know, horrible for,
for setting positive goals, but I, I, I never said that life was
always positive. I've never said it and I never
(49:20):
will. Failure as a teacher just as
much as winning is so you know, you don't have to you don't have
to design, you know, build in. I'm going to fail exactly like
this. You don't want to premeditate
that, but but pretending like itwon't ever happen, that's just
wishful thinking. That's more wish it want to do
it right. It's not.
(49:42):
It's not actually going to happen.
Real life will interrupt you. Real life will trip.
You will real life will slap youupside your head.
You will get sick, you will get busy, you will lose focus.
But a sustainable goal already includes at least the the room
for returning to it after being disrupted, Right.
(50:05):
Because really, what do I do? The question you're asked,
asking this question, what do I do when I miss?
Is a much more important question than what do I do when
I succeed. Yeah.
Because I mean, look at. Oh gosh, Edison and how many
times he attempted to create hismasterpiece?
(50:25):
I mean, he failed what was it hundreds of times before he
finally created the light pole. Yeah, most of them do, yes.
Well. Thank you.
You're going to get us into you're going to get us into a
fight in the comments because a lot of people will say somebody
else invented that and he just stole it.
But but I digress. We weren't going to go there.
(50:45):
To the point, yes. To the point, yes, yes, failure
is a part of it because failure is a teacher.
And if we're not, if we're not being taught, then we're not
growing. And the point of goals is to
grow. There should be anyway.
You know, you can make goals about getting money, but you
have to grow into a person who'sgood with money or a person who,
right. You have to, you have to grow as
(51:07):
a person as your goals are beingmet.
So, and you're right, consistency beats intensity
every single time. One feels powerful in the
fleeting moments, but consistency will change who you
are and when Who you are changes, Your goals will stop
(51:27):
feeling like battles, and they'll start feeling like
expressions of your authenticity.
Authenticity of your life, even.So when it comes to old
failures, you know, because I think this is where a lot of
people get hung up as old failures live in the nervous
system, it really can just drag us down or demotivate us or get
in the way when we're trying to make actual change.
How can we start letting go of these so we can start working on
(51:48):
starting clean and starting fresh?
Well, first of all, like I always say when you calling me
first, you, you can't deny them,you can't run from them.
You got to call them out, you and, and by calling them out,
you start, you're starting to refuse to let them dictate what
you believe is possible. Now, we don't care about what
(52:09):
happened then in the sense that the, the things that happened
have control over us. Those things did happen.
We don't forget that. But but they, but they have no
bearing on the power we have in the in the moment.
And again, we're not going to get lost in what could be right.
(52:30):
We have to, we have to become present and we have to call
things out even if they hurt, especially when they're
uncomfortable. That's the first thing we do.
But these quiet, you know, these, these, these history
carries weight on us. And it can carry weight in a bad
way if we don't deal with it. Because if you're not
(52:51):
approaching these things with a clean slate and you bring every
past failure or broken promise or whatever, and you didn't
treat those things like teachers, it's going to be
really difficult to start anything new.
Amen. You know, I think another place
people get stuck is they hold their past selves to who they
are today. We forget how much we grow,
(53:11):
especially in the heat of the moment where we're flared up or
triggered. We forget we are not the same
person we were 10 years ago whenthat happened.
Yeah, you talk all you talk about a lot on the podcast, your
journey from from many years agotill now.
And you know you are killing it right now, but you're not.
(53:32):
But but you're not the same person.
And you realize that, you understand that and you know you
you can't, you can't show up as you were.
Then again, it's impossible. That person is dead.
If you grew, then you must meet yourself where you're at.
You have to. And even if you're carrying
(53:53):
around some weight in the past, still, well, you got to come
clean with that too. If you want to start new, you
got you have to learn to integrate these shadows.
You must. You got to understand the parts
that are trying to stop you frombecoming your best part.
They have your best interests inmind, but their mechanisms are
out of date and really helping you create your the life you
(54:14):
truly want. Yeah.
And as you said earlier, again, you know, you don't need some
perfect perfect year, perfect month or some kind of symbolic
reset to begin again, because ifyou don't do the work, it's not
going to matter anyway. Because I, I don't know if you,
I don't know if you alluded to this or not, but I'm just going
to say it. When, when you sit around and
(54:36):
wait for a perfect starting point, you're just, there's just
a different kind of avoidance. You're just, you know, putting
it off and putting it off and putting it off.
Thanks God. These things start with these,
these internal choices, these decisions.
Put your foot down facing things.
Well that takes me to the thought of like the trap of
tomorrow. Man, I tell you what, I have
(54:56):
fallen into that so many times. Tomorrow does not exist.
You should never base anything you want to build or do in your
life on. I will do that tomorrow because
tomorrow will never come. Yeah, yeah.
And and you know what, I I talk a lot.
I talk a lot about, you know, letting go of the past.
And you know, again, you're not,you're not erasing the past that
(55:18):
that stuff happened to lead to who you are today, for better or
for worse, right? You start, you start clean by
just not dragging that stuff around, right?
That that's just right. And and your goals really
should, should support your life, not punishment.
If again, we talked about this, I think at the beginning of the
show, But if, if something is rooted in shame or comparison or
(55:42):
self criticism or some need to prove you're worthy, it's just
not going to it's not going to sustain.
It's just it's about alignment. Remember alignment, resonance,
not any of those other things. Well, I think alignment's so
important, and we can easily sell ourselves on things that
are not actually in alignment. What makes your soul sing?
(56:06):
What is the change that you knowyou want to make so badly, and
what do you need to do to get tothe point where you can make
that change? Right.
Yeah, absolutely, dude. Oh, Dang it.
I was going to still, I was going to still Heather's water.
But she drank it all. Darn it.
Foiled again. Foiled again.
(56:29):
Do you have any closing thoughtsbefore we jump into our
affirmations and exercises? Yeah, so, so remember, goals are
not measurements of things like your value or your worth.
They, they are simply tools. And for us, the way we would
prefer, well, the way we do it and the way we're trying to
trying to get you to see is thatthere are tools for alignment.
(56:51):
They can't be built on pressure or shame or fantasy because they
just real life will will crush them.
But if we build them on honesty and structure and self respect
and trust, it becomes something that we can carry with you,
especially on those really hard days.
And you don't need more motivation.
This is not meant to be a motivational speech, OK?
(57:12):
Because you don't need more motivation.
You need something that respectswho you are and also respects
the humanity within you because that comes with being imperfect.
So you don't need to become someone else.
You you just need to learn to work with who you are in the
moment already. And you don't you, you can't
punish yourself into progress. You just can't.
(57:34):
It doesn't work that way. Growth that is built on trust
and compassion for ourselves and, and truth that's steady,
that's grounded, right? And that's going to be way more
lasting. So my call to action today will
be choose one goal and shrink it.
(57:57):
Shrink the goal to meet you where you're at.
Shrink it down to where it fits into your real, actual life.
All all, all your your, all the good and bad, right?
And try to anchor it and stack it as as Michael said, have it
stack it on something you already do.
It could be something mundane and boring.
(58:18):
Those are the best things to stack on, by the way.
Take my exercise for this episode.
Good night. No, you're good that this is
great. It's reiterating what we said
earlier and it's the point. Right, right, right.
OK, keep. Going though.
I'm like, I'm like, I don't remember seeing that, but and
then look, decide what success looks on your worst day.
(58:39):
That's another tip I'll give you.
Not your best day, but your worst day.
We all have bad days and we can,we can all look back and go,
man, that was a really bad day. So if the goal could still
sustain that day, then it'll last because you know, good days
will be easy. So and I want you to make this
commitment to yourself. Just say I will show up in a way
(59:00):
I can sustain on my on my worst days.
And don't forget to look for proof and don't forget to create
the evidence and look for consist and let consistency be
that proof and let structure be your support.
And again, let self trust be thereal victory because that will
be a big, big take away from this.
(59:21):
And like Michael said earlier, you don't need to overhaul your
entire life. You just need to find things
that that you truly resonate with and truly aligned with and
just start taking those steps and then and then do it the next
day and eventually you'll be good, be good to go.
Beautiful. I'm looking at your exercise.
I did kind of steal a little bit.
(59:44):
Hey, it's a great one though, and it's I mean, we brought it
up earlier and I think people should definitely do it.
So as an extra, since he took myexercise, I'm going to attach
because James Clear has made it public material, his habit
stacking guides and workbooks that you can access.
So just click on the link, printoff the page, and it can help
(01:00:06):
you really dissect your goals and set really realistic goals.
So I'm going to include that in the show notes.
So check that out below. That'd be good.
For affirmations today, I build momentum through consistency,
not pressure. I trust myself to grow through
small steps. I follow through even when
motivation fades. My goals support my nervous
(01:00:29):
system, not fight it. I become who I choose through
daily action and for our journaling prompts.
Am I setting this goal from selfrespect or self criticism?
Dive deep into it, write it out.See where this goal truly
originates. Is it aligned with who you are,
or is it aligned with who you want people to see?
What would consistency look likeon my worst day?
(01:00:52):
Not my best, which is a really good one.
Just do it twice. Just do it twice and then who do
I need to become for this goal to feel natural instead of
forced. Thank you so much for joining us
today. Please check out our different
feeds, our shorts over on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram.
(01:01:14):
You already know where to find the podcast.
Also check out new ashley.com. A lot of exciting things coming
down the hoops for that here soon, so stay tuned and with
love and gratitude, Adeluchum. Adeluchum.
We live in a culture obsessed with starting over, but terrible
at following through. Every year we promise ourselves
change, discipline, health, success, and peace.
And every year, most of those promises quietly die, not
because we are incapable, but because we are never taught how
real change actually works. We're getting close to the end
(00:21):
of the new year, right, or the end of the year right now.
And I figure this is the perfecttime to talk about making
resolutions and really being able to follow through.
So thanks for joining us today. Hello, and welcome to the new
(00:42):
Ashley Podcast. My name is Michael Perry, and
I'm joined today by Justin Gates.
We're talking about New Year's resolutions and how to actually
follow through on the goals you set.
Now, this is going to be a hard one because it's about making
goals more manageable. When you say Justin, I think
that's really where a lot of thetrouble first begins as we start
(01:03):
getting really elaborate. I think we I think, I think
we're talking about making them real yeah.
And, and understanding that these go, everything we do meets
us where we're at, whether we like it or not.
And if, if, if we don't tend to certain things, then it's going
to meet us in a bad spot. And I think that's, that's why
(01:25):
these things fail us, right? And most goals don't fail
because people are lazy or undisciplined.
They fail because they're built on unstable foundations.
Well, I'd say often it's based on this motivation of wanting
change, but there's no real structure to change.
Yeah, yeah, Motivation is a horrible fuel.
(01:46):
It is a horrible fuel for this, yeah.
It's like one of the things theytalk about in a lot of the books
I've read is it's when it comes to motivation.
When you start a project, you get all this hormonal hits of
dopamine and serotonin. You start feeling really engaged
and like you're doing something.And it does not take long before
that emotional high of accomplishing those goals starts
(02:09):
to fade. And with that fading, so does
our effort levels. Well, yeah, because we're out of
alignment somewhere or in many spots we're out of alignment.
We're allowing ourselves to be driven by this.
Again, we're treating motivationlike a fuel and it makes us
happy and and giddy and, and we think that's what's driving us.
(02:32):
But really that fuel burns out. But really motivation,
motivation is emotional and emotionals are not consistent,
are they? We talk about this all the time.
We have our peaks and valleys. Even the best of us, those of us
who know how to regulate and know how to, who have high
emotional IQ, we still have inconsistencies in our emotions
(02:55):
because we're human beings. And, and like you said, when
that when that fuel burns out orthat motivation dips or dives or
dodges, it really brings down the whole structure of our goal
because again, we're building them on, on, on something that's
not stable or consistent even for the best of us.
Yeah, it's like when I look at setting goals, when you actually
(03:17):
want to cultivate a goal for some, like a workout routine is
a great example. That's something that's
perpetual. It's not I'm going to clean this
room, which is finished. After you complete it, It it's
you push the ball down, it starts going downhill.
You have that momentum from the hormones, but then you got to
push it uphill. And momentum is pushing things
uphill because it takes you cultivating the habit before it
(03:40):
starts going over the tip and starts going downhill and pushes
itself. Yeah.
I think it's what takes 30 to 90days to develop a habit.
And that's if you could stick with it, man, that's the hard
part. That's the hard part because
because we have to build it on something that's real.
And what's real, whether we wantto admit it or not, or whether
(04:02):
we're trying to hide from it or ignore it is where we're at our,
our lowest level of healing is where these things meet us,
where all of these things meet us.
And that's why that's why in this podcast we talk a lot about
let's let's pause and face thesethings so that we're not
suffering from them later, right?
But aren't a lot of goals drivenby pressure?
(04:25):
What do you say? Oh yeah, pressure.
Shame. It's, it's this needing to
create change in our lives and not for the desire of wanting
that change. It's feeling like, oh, I'm
overweight and you're shaming yourself for the way you look,
or I'm going to quit drinking because I know it's a problem
and it's impacting people aroundme.
Those are motivators. But that's not what's going to
(04:45):
help you actually overcome, which you need to to be to
create a sustained and actionable plan.
Yeah. Yeah, those things are formed in
those moments of self judgement,you know, the the whole I need
to fix myself, right? And that's, that's one of the
prime motivators for the new year every year.
(05:06):
Or as you said, a little bit of shame.
I should be better by now. What's wrong with me this year?
This year, I won't mess it up. I'm not going to mess it up,
Michael. This year is the year.
It's my year when those things are running the engine of your
life, that that goal is already compromised.
Before you even get moving, before you're out of the gate,
you've already sabotaged it. Well, it's like, how often is it
(05:26):
shame that propels us to want tomake change, but in the end,
shame is exactly what brings us right back to where we were.
Whether it's feeling uncomfortable at the gym or
trying to drown those emotions, it is this horrible cycle that
just keeps us perpetuating. Look, man, you can feel your you
can feel your race car up with as much motivational fuel as you
want, but if three out of four your tires are flat, you're not
(05:49):
going anywhere. You're just not.
You're just laughing. You're not going to go anywhere.
But, but another big reason is because we build these goals
around around these ideal conditions.
That's a really big one too. When things are good, it's easy
to feel motivated and it's easy to feel.
And This is why the path of Bachelor and this podcast and,
(06:13):
and everything we do related to that, make sure we leave room
for shadow work because you know, we have to, we have to be
ready more than we need to plan on fanciful conditions.
We have to make sure we have readiness in our, in our bones,
right? Because what?
(06:33):
Well, I was just going to say, because you know, you'll plan
for a version of your life whereyou're always rested perfectly
and you're always uninterrupted and you're always confident and
you're always emotionally regulated.
But these things are not guarantees.
These things are not something that we, even the best of us,
have trouble keeping consistently, because why?
We're human beings. Now a Teal Swan, in her book The
(06:56):
Completion Process, she talks about how one of the things that
really sabotages people the mostis we have when it comes to
parts work, which is something I'm getting more and more into
lately. I find it fascinating.
But if you have two parts that have conflicting desires, this
again why shadow work is so important.
You will always end up sabotaging the goal until you
(07:17):
get both parts aligned with creating that same having that
same outcome. Because if one party who wants
to start working out so you can be fit and feel confident in
yourself, but the other part is afraid of the has the shame of
being seen, it's going to constantly try to deter you from
going to the gym because you're going to be putting yourself
into an uncomfortable situation.Right.
(07:37):
You'll be around a lot of peopleand if you're out of shape,
you're going to feel scared thatyou're there and and, and
really, yeah, that that's a big problem, this identity conflict
that you're talking about, because it does go unaddressed
for most of us. Either we don't know how to
address it, or we just like you said, we just rather just hide
it because like you said, a partof you may want growth, but
(08:00):
another parts just want safety and familiarity or, you know,
that that emotional kind of armor to protect them from
literally everything outside of them.
But you know, these these unexpected responsibilities come
up. Life does not work the way that
we plan. There's there's energy
(08:21):
fluctuations, there's stress, right?
There's life, life, life. Life provides us plenty of
opportunities to practice and practice and practice some more.
So if you build these goals on these identity issues, or if you
build these goals around these perfect days, those goals will
(08:43):
those goals, those plans, those wish it, want it, do it's
they're not going to survive ordinary life and they're.
Just, you know, for everyone listening now, New Year's
resolutions for me, most of my adult life, I have been so
religious about making the perfect plan like I had.
I would make a binder, I'd have my schedule laid out, I would
(09:04):
have my action steps. I would plan out my New Year's
resolutions. And one of the most important
things, if you take away anything from this episode, I
know this is an episode on New Year's resolutions.
Do not let New Year's be what causes resolutions, because the
minute the New Year's over and you don't have things that
stick, you quit and then you wait a year.
That was the year. I was constantly in.
(09:26):
You can't wait again these perfect days, right?
Yeah. We're waiting for New Year's to
come around because that's the day I'm going to change my life.
Now, resolutions are something that happens with effort and
consistency. And it also means that if you
fall off the bandwagon, you get back on it.
You don't build habits without friction.
No. And it's about learning to keep
(09:46):
getting on that horse. Literally right before this
episode, before we start recording this episode, you said
to me, I'm sorry that I haven't been posting as many blogs as I
planned And what did I say to you?
You'll. Pick it up when you're ready
and. Find a spot to pick it back up
and just do it because that's because that's how you get back
(10:08):
on, right? Nobody, nobody ever ever sticks
to their plans 100% even even ifyou plan them and you do all the
emotional work and you do all the stuff we're talking about,
something will throw a wrench init.
I promise you. That's life.
But but the deeper truth here isthat you're not failing your
(10:29):
goals. You're just, you're just
catching stray. Sometimes it's just the way it
is, right? But that's the truth.
But if your inner system is built on fear or pressure or
self rejection, no amount of motivation or willpower will
ever sustain that lasting change.
Because goals that survive real life must be built on honesty
(10:53):
and structure, realistic structure, not this fanciful
stuff and compassion for yourself.
Grace and compassion that, yeah,guess what?
You're going to fall off that horse and you got to get you
just got to get back up there and not and not, you know, not
not look for the perfect opportunities like the next new
year, because that's a horrible.And don't judge yourself for
(11:14):
falling off the horse. And, and besides, the new year
is a horrible time. And, and by the way, this is a
new new year. The old New Year's used to be in
spring back in the day, right? That was a much better time to
start changing things because the weather was better, there
was plenty of food and there wasall kinds of things.
The middle of winter is the mosthorrible time to try and change
(11:35):
something. I never do New Year's
resolutions. I I, and because I'm never in a
good mood in the middle of winter, man, I'm cold and I'm
grumpy and, you know, I'm just trying to stay alive and and
warm. So anyways, yeah.
(11:56):
So that so so you are you were talking about or we have been
talking about how fanciful we try to be an extra like really,
there really is a difference between a golden fantasy, isn't
there? Yeah, I mean, I, I think one of
the places people get hung up the most is they fail to take
(12:16):
into account who they are today.There it's there's this concept
in psychology that there's the ideal self and then there's the
true self. And we have the more elaborate
the ideal self is, the more selfesteem and self respect is
lowered. And when we set goals, often
it's like I'm going to be that successful business owner this
(12:38):
year. That's what I'm going to do.
And then they get, they get hit with all the rejection they had
to realize they don't have all the skills that they thought
would just come naturally. You know, we got to meet reality
where it's at. If we ignore our current skill
sets and habits, we're going to be met with resistance every
time. And that resistance can
overpower us easy, especially ifwe don't take into account the
(12:59):
reality of what it's going to take.
Yeah, I you're bringing up one of the most common mistakes
people make is mistake mistakingthat fantasy for intention,
right? Yeah, because fantasies feel
fun, man, inspiring and clean and powerful, whereas goals feel
(13:22):
kind of grounded and sometimes boring and often inconvenient,
especially the ones we make around health and dieting and,
you know, working out and stuff.That's that's probably the
biggest one. I, I, I see people make you ever
been to the gym for more than three months in a row.
It sucks, man. It hurts.
(13:42):
It hurts. You know, you smell funny and
you know, you don't ever see any.
You don't ever see any real progress because you're looking
at yourself every day. Someone else.
You know, This is why it's like,you know, someone else come up
to do you say, man, you must be working out feels good.
But we never see it because it'shard for us to kind of gauge
that because we're always constantly with ourselves.
(14:02):
So yeah, but. When I think the gym is another
important one to look at becauseit's like one of the things I
had to learn the hard way is like gym has always been on my
list of I want to build this habit and I have struggled and
I've struggled and I've come to realize like you got to realize
where your lifestyle it is who you are as a person.
For me, the one time I was able to start hitting the gym and do
it for six months consecutively is when I found a workout
(14:26):
program that worked for me hiking.
I joined a kickboxing group where they would run us through
different exercises. It's about finding what is
something you can at least find in some enjoyment in when you're
doing it. Because going and hitting the
bench press every day isn't for everyone.
Going and running a tread going running a 5K is not for
everyone. You got to find what exercise
(14:48):
speaks to you. Yeah, the future is always in
motion, always in motion, right?We talk about this a lot where
the choices we make now create apotential future and a potential
future version of us. And fantasies ignore that fact.
They ignore who we are today. We fantasize about who we want
(15:11):
to be and who we are in the future without doing the work
here, making the choices here, cutting the you know, cutting
cost and and doing these other things.
It because it bypasses your current habits, your current
energy patterns, your responsibilities and even the
capacity of your vessel. You know, it it it just imagines
(15:37):
a future version of you who wakes up different behaves
differently somehow magically nolonger struggling problems in
the world, right. It just you know, and it feels
good to do that. You know, I have fallen victim
to that many times back in the wish it want to do it days, you
know, you know, but but again, all that does is create that
(16:02):
fuel, that motivation that just can't sustain.
You can't because again, you're,you're driving on, driving on
three flat tires, man. It just, you have to address the
tires before, before the fuel's ever, ever in question.
Yeah, I mean, I think the key thing to keep in mind is if your
goal requires you to become a different person overnight, it's
(16:22):
not a goal, it's an escape. It is you trying to cling to
something outside of you. Right, because a real goal
starts where you actually are It, it, it's, it's built
respectively to what your current lifestyles are, your
current habits, your current emotional state, your current
whatever. And it doesn't just try to
(16:44):
override it or ignore it. It's like, you know, to be real.
It's like giving my real energy,my real schedule, my real
nervous system. You know what is sustainable for
me now, right? Not, not what I what I wish I am
in 15 years or whatever, becauseI'll tell you right now, the guy
I am right now was not the guy Iever assumed I'd be 15 years
(17:07):
ago. I promise you that, right?
I promise you that. And thank God I didn't, you
know, hold attachment to that because I'd be really
disappointed, I think, yeah, I like where I'm at.
I love what I do, but this isn'tsomething I would even consider
for myself. So yeah, you got to.
(17:28):
You got to be respectful to yourcurrent present self so that you
can build that future. Yeah.
And I think that's why it's so important that when you're
building these goals, you know, there's a difference between
identity based goals and outcomebased goals.
And a lot of people have their goals based on these fantasies,
(17:50):
these ideals we want to hold ourselves to, but we got to be
able to again, meet ourselves where we're at.
It's at one of the best books out there.
Atomic Habits by James Clear talks about how when you're
incorporating goals, it's about little shifts within your
routine. A plane flying to the UK, if it
(18:12):
deviates by 1°, flying from the United States, it'll land up in
Africa. And real change happens in these
little these little shifts we make in our lifestyles, not in
these dramatic I'm hitting the gym five days a week starting
this year, not in. I'm going to quit drinking all
together. This is why, This is why when I
(18:34):
teach visualization, I do it I do it in a much different way
that then you would typically see, don't I?
Because you know, you get stuck in that fantasy, you get stuck
in that movie that you're creating.
Yes, it is important to see and feel and and and let yourself
experience that thing you want to become.
(18:57):
But you cannot let that carry you into a fantasy because one
of two things will happen. Either A you'll just give up
because you'll just be happy with the fantasy and you won't
actually care about getting to the goal right, or B you'll
you'll blur that line between real, what's real and what's
not. And then because these fantasies
fixate on the outcomes, the body, the income, the
(19:20):
transformation. And if you're fixated and you
are certainly just just keeping the fantasy alive through your
visualizations and not doing anyof the work that you have to do,
the hard work, the crappy work, the boring work, the normal
whatever work to get there, thenyou're going to be really,
really, really beat down from that.
(19:44):
And you're going to be trapped by that.
Because again, you obsess over the end picture too much while
ignoring those those basic tiny little things, like you said,
those basic tiny daily behaviorsthat you must do that are
required to get there or to get to some version of there.
You know, we can't, we can't obsess over the the outcome.
(20:06):
We got to let go. We got to surrender to the
process. We must.
And we, we say this a lot with the law of attraction stuff.
We must identify what we need, identify what we want.
We, we have to kind of visualizethat a little bit.
But we have to let the process work.
(20:27):
We have to let ourselves surrender so that we can do
those little things without being obsessed with that.
Well, I think another key thing is this like is the goal that
you want to obtain something that is even that even resonates
with who you are as a person. You know, I, I had someone who
was really who's really dear to me and he was always chasing the
entrepreneurial dream, but his, his ideas and aspirations never
(20:51):
had anything to do with his personality or who he was.
It was just, I need to go make money.
And it's like, that's great. But unless you have A the skill
set to follow this path, or B enough personal interest to
carry you through learning what you need to, you're not going to
be able to reach where you want to go.
(21:12):
Yeah, right, right. Because and, and this is, this
is another trap, you know, he, that that person is, is, is just
in the comparison game. Well, I see them doing this.
I want to, I, I, I want what they have.
I don't need to know how they got it or what.
And, and it's usually a lot of stuff and it's usually very,
very niche down to where you must resonate.
(21:32):
We talked about this on on a fewepisodes back, probably a few
months ago, where you get what you resonate with, not with what
you want or wish for. So we have.
What I think? We have to change our alignment
if that's what we want. We must also, you know, do all
these little tiny, boring human things, but we also must align
(21:54):
ourselves to that. Well, that's, that's such an
important point because again, Ithink that I know for me that
was my greatest issue is I was down here and my goals were up
here. And yeah, it's great to have
these aspirations and see what Iwant to become, but I had no
realistic perspective of the work it was going to take to get
here. If we don't make that bar a
(22:14):
little bit higher instead of through the roof, we're going to
always meet with resistance and we're always going to fail.
Like there's that small handful of times you might succeed, but
I tell you it's going to happen 2 times maybe in your life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You certainly cannot compare
without knowing what that personwent through to get to that,
(22:34):
because it may not even be possible for you to do it the
way they did it, because maybe the way they did it had a lot of
stuff before they even knew theywanted to do that.
You just, you got, you just can't compare you.
You have to. You have to have faith and trust
that the universe has things foryou too.
You know, you can't just comparewhat the universe is giving
(22:55):
someone else, what God has givensomeone else, because you know,
we all, we all have different needs, we all have different
purposes. We all have different things
that we are really good at. And it doesn't do us any good to
to compare. And again, it's not a race.
It doesn't matter where that person starting out, either in
front of you or behind you, they've, they're running their
(23:16):
race. You run years.
Well, it's just like what kind of how much luck was in their,
in their circumstances that led to that?
What was their network like and the opportunities that presented
itself there? And mind you, I'm a firm
believer that luck isn't just something where you stumble
across $1,000,000. Luck is where preparation meets
opportunity. But.
And awareness. Yeah.
(23:37):
Yeah. Well, it's like, what's your
favorite saying? It's like you never rise to who
you want to become if you alwaysfall to the level of lowest
level of your training. Yep, or the lowest level.
Because life will humble you at some point in time you might get
that high starting off, but the minute that wears off, you're
going to fall to your lowest level of training.
(23:57):
Right, because your your your, your opponent may have better
training. Their lower level training may
be higher than yours. This also applied to healing
you. You fall to your lowest level
level of healing too. That's just, that's just, that's
why we practice, practice, practice.
And that's why we we do these things.
We try to make them habits in our lives so that that level of
(24:22):
healing or that level of training gets a little higher
ever as we go a little bit more.And then eventually it becomes
effortless action. And even when it and, and even
when it becomes effortless action, Michael, you still got
to watch out. You know, it'll humble you.
Life will throw curveballs at you.
It will stress you out. It will, you know, yeah.
(24:43):
So when we look at, we were talking a bit about motivation,
and motivation is a fairly unreliable source of drive to
really help you carry habits andnot just into the New Year's,
but into the future. What would you say instead is
the most important thing to helpyou carry your goals into the
next stage? Instead of motivation, I, I, I
(25:07):
would sit down and look at what actual realistic results that I
want, right? I, I, I would start building
around that because again, that honors the ethos of truth, that
honors the ethos of connection and it, and it also honors the
ethos of integrity because again, if you're creating goals
(25:27):
that does not align with who youreally are on the inside,
they're, they're just not going to get very far right?
They're just not. And you know, that kind of
brings us to these identity based goals versus the outcome
based goals, doesn't it? Yeah.
Those definitely when I think another key thing here is just
the discipline you have in your life.
(25:49):
Discipline is so important and many people don't take this as a
measurement that they evaluate, but where do?
Where does our discipline lie? Are we someone who has?
Have we trained our nervous systems to handle the threshold
of stress that comes when we're under pressure?
Our things aren't going our way because realistically, our
(26:10):
nervous system is the direct gauge that tells us just how
much discomfort we can handle, and it's discipline that helps
us carry us through those moments.
Well, and again, discipline is based on alignment.
You know, I, I am, I'm a very disciplined individual.
I could sit for hours and hours and hours.
(26:31):
I can do a lot of things that that that would people would
consider to be and consider maybe the highly disciplined,
including dealing with stress. But if the things I'm doing and
and the result, the reasons for my stress, if I'm not aligned
aligned with that, in other words, if it's not something I
actually want to do, then the stress will crack, will crush
me, even though I'm really disciplined.
(26:52):
So again, this goes back to alignment.
You have to be aligned and you have to learn to resonate with
the things you really, really actually want.
And a spoiler alert, those are often not the same things.
Things we want aren't necessary,aren't usually the things we're
resonating to, in both a good way or a bad way.
(27:13):
So so so. When I think you brought it up
perfectly, how much of what we're trying to do is that in
direct comparison to someone else or some ideal life we want
to have? Again, the person I cared about
who always, always chasing the entrepreneur, being an
entrepreneur. And it's like I saw his motive.
His motive is I wanted that nicehouse, I wanted that nice car.
I wanted to provide for my family, which is beautiful
(27:34):
aspirations, but that's not something that's going to be
able to carry you through the struggle that is becoming an
entrepreneur, especially when there's going to be a lot of
times where you don't have that kind of money.
Because, Because. Because they were taught to
chase outcomes like all of us were right.
Lose the weight. Because this guy looks better.
(27:56):
I want to look like that guy. Lose the weight.
This guy is this guy. Is this guy or this lady's rich.
I want to make the money. These people are are madly in
love and and I see them and I got to find the relationship.
I got to finish the project. Now these things sound very
practical. And that somebody, somebody
would really argue that. Well, yeah, this is the best way
(28:18):
to go about it because it's likethis peer pressure in kind of a
good way. And, you know, no, no, no, no,
no, no, we. And that's the high, high, high
motivation, tons of external validation which we do not give
a crap about and perfect our ideal conditions, but they're
(28:39):
fragile. Because again, when life says
Nope and it flicks you in your third eye, then everything comes
falling all all around you. But these identity based goals
work in the opposite direction because instead of asking what
do I, what do I want to achieve?You learn to ask, who must I
become in order for this to be natural or for this to resonate
(29:02):
and come to me? That was one of the greatest
epiphanies I had on this journey.
I realized I was constantly looking at the top of the
mountain from the summit and be like I can get there in three
steps. Little did I realize the person
that need to become that would have to learn how to trek
through the cold. And.
Make a fire and. Yes.
(29:23):
Hunt for food and and. It doesn't mean I'm at the peak
still, but I'm learning. Habits rarely grow out of
desire, at least at least the ones that last.
They rarely grow out from desire.
They grow out of self concept, out of doing this work where we
face ourselves and we try to integrate all parts of ourselves
(29:45):
into into a whole to a whole being.
Because if someone even believesjust a little bit and we talk
about how our thoughts rotate and and repeat and repeat and
repeat, repeat, right. If someone had if someone has
just an inkling of belief that they are inconsistent, or if
they really actually are inconsistent or they're
(30:07):
undisciplined or they're always behind or you know, they, they
will unconsciously sabotage eventhe best plan.
There is no perfect plan that can stand the the pressure of
that right? And it's not about laziness or
it's not about ignorance or being stupid or or not knowing
how to do the perfect plan. It's because these present
(30:27):
behaviors are in conflict with who they believe they are.
Yeah, well, it's like how much self trust is there, right?
Because I think a lot of people never take that into account
either when self trust is the one of the most important
variables to having goals and making change in life.
Yeah, yeah. And, and, and this is, you know,
(30:47):
I know I use a lot of affirmations and I talked about
visualization earlier. This is why I don't, I don't
allow my students to at least ever hear from me.
I don't that, you know, things like affirmations are magic
pills because your identity doesn't change through
affirmations or visualizations alone.
It changes through the repeated action that provides evidence.
(31:09):
We are, we need evidence. Human beings need evidence for
things we do. It's just what we are.
But evidence is a small part, trust and faith is the larger
part. But if we if we create this
evidence for ourselves, even tiny, even small, like kept
promises, right, or doing thingsfor ourselves that we say we're
(31:34):
going to do the whole jar of marbles things.
The marble is small, the jar is faith and trust.
We fill that up with little bitsof evidence, right?
And this, this will start to rewrite that rewrite that
internal narrative because everyaction says to us, it's evidence
of this is who I am now and thenthis is who I am now and then
(31:56):
this is who I am now. And that jar gets fuller and
fuller over time. Our whole self will start to
accept that new identity as truth because it is true.
Absolutely. And besides, man, you know,
like, like these outcome based goals, when you're changing
these things, you're comparing you just, I mean, it just wears
you down, dude. You get exhausted because you're
(32:18):
just trying, trying to drag yourold, your old self around and
you're trying to run it around and, and try to be like this
person or this person or a future self.
These identity based, these identity based things are, are
more quiet there, but but they're stronger, they're more
boring. There's less dopamine, very
(32:39):
little motivation required because you're taking small
little steps to unfold into something, into someone who
shows up, someone who practices,someone who follows through,
even especially imperfectly, because you're not meant to be
perfect, meant to be present. Well, I've seen it so many times
where it's, I mean, think about sales positions.
I had a friend who went into sales and it's just this and I,
(33:02):
I was guilty of this too, 10 years ago.
I got into sales and it's like, I want to jump in there.
I'm going to be able to make these cold calls.
I'm going to be able to deal with the rejection.
I got this. And then you realize as, as the
weeks go on, it's like, wow, my,my pay is impacted by how good I
am at this. And it's just like, I guess it
does take longer than a month toincorporate these skills.
(33:25):
And it's been great because I have a friend who's works in
construction and he's been jumping into sales the last
couple years and he he's me and him have been on the healing
journey together for years and just always resonate with each
other. It's been great watching him.
He's been practicing sales down for two years.
He's not amazing at it, but he'sgetting good.
At it, right? And it took that consistency of
two years of dealing with those rejections, constantly putting
(33:48):
himself out there and learning the trade set.
But it's something that resonates deep within him.
You know that that's where you feel that that resiliency.
Dude, sale sales is a rough gig,man.
Let me tell you something. I'm, I'm going to date myself
here because I don't think thesepeople haven't.
I don't think these people have been in business for like God,
(34:09):
20 years probably, I don't know,maybe.
But when I was like 17, man, I, I took a job as a telemarketer
for a, for a picture company called Olden Mills.
Remember Olden Mills? I do not.
So it's a, it's an old, old ass,like it was like a photo studio
place, right? And they had these little photo
(34:31):
studios like set up in malls back when malls were like bigger
and more popular. And I'd go in there after
school, I'd go in there and I'd have like this little closet
that I'd sit in with a, with a telephone and I'd just get a
list. And I thought, man, this would
be easy money. Dude.
I, I, I learned quickly that I hate selling things and I never
(34:51):
will because I do not resonate with that, right?
It's, it's not getting yelled at.
It's not getting, you know, called names and stuff.
It was I, I just, I just couldn't see myself giving a
crap about selling anything. So I never resonated with it.
It was which, which I know, I, Iknow you've kind of poked at me
a little bit over the, over the last couple years.
(35:13):
It's like, you know, you don't have to be a salesman, Justin,
but you need to start, you need to Start learning how to market
yourself a little better. And, you know, but I think those
are very two different things, at least for me, you know?
Well, and I think one of the keyfactors and this ties into this
authenticity and it's that are you selling something that
you're passionate about or are you just selling something to
(35:35):
sell something, right? Because I realized that was the
big thing for me was I've had two different positions where
I've jumped into sales and one of them I was passionate about
and the other one I wasn't. And I lasted far longer in the
position of trying to sell something that I'm like, you
know what? I believe in this product
compared to man. I really feel like I'm just
(35:55):
trying to take people's money. Right.
Yeah, yeah. But yeah, you really have to,
you really have to resonate because we always talk about,
we're going to talk about motivation and discipline in the
nervous system, but you really have to decide it, it it does
this resonate with me? Can this meet me or you know,
(36:20):
if, when this, let's say when this meets me where I am, am I
ready for this? Even if I do want it, even if I
do resonate with it, what kind of work do I have to do?
So you really have to, again, you have to really identify with
the goal in a way that you know,am I, am I truly ready?
(36:42):
Who must I become in order for this to be easy or natural and
lasting so? No, exactly.
You know, I think one of the most important things when we're
building a habit, when we're trying to do something new is
the discipline of repetition, Being able to constantly work
(37:02):
that muscle that we're not used to working or not using the
muscle we're used to working, depending on what the habit or
change is. Right.
And when we're doing this, I think setting realistic
expectations on ourselves when it comes to the frequency.
I know Allison and I, we, we've made a goal of the last month,
(37:23):
we're going to exercise more andit's not going to be, we're
going to hit the gym five days aweek.
It's like, let's just start getting simple movement in.
Let's go for the days we're not podcasting or we're not, we
don't have plans going on. Let's go for a walk.
And so every day that we don't have anything going on, we go
for a walk. So 3-4 times a week.
Right. And like, my goal is to get to
(37:44):
the gym because I do want to start doing that type of
exercise, but it's probably going to be transition from
walking to then going and using the treadmill twice a week.
Yeah. I mean, one of the things James
Clear brings up in his book is like, often just make the goal,
Go to the gym, drive up to it, sit in the parking lot, leave.
Next day, drive up, walk inside for a minute, leave.
(38:06):
Like just get yourself used to build that muscle that's never
been exercised or that's atrophied slowly.
You're talking about discipline,right?
Yeah, motivation is very seductive, but it's super
unreliable. Emotions feel great sometimes,
They feel bad sometimes too. But those are also unreliable
(38:28):
peaks and valleys for all these things.
Because the moment, you know, everything starts to feel
exciting and hopeful, and then the moment something comes that
is inconvenient or heavy or whatever, it's, it's goodbye to
those goals. But what you're talking about is
discipline. And you know, discipline isn't
just formed in karate studios orthe military, right?
(38:50):
You know, it's building these tiny little things that build
into habits. That's discipline.
Because you walk, you guys walk for three or four times a week,
long enough. Nothing's going to.
Nothing out of the ordinary is going to really stress that,
right? Because, OK, fine, We don't get
(39:11):
to walk at 1:00. We'll just walk at 3.
Whatever, you know? Right?
Right. Yeah.
Because, again, life happens, right?
It does. And discipline is built through
repetition on something. Discipline is not about force or
being rigid. It's about repetition,
consistency, building habits, like like you said, if, if these
things happen, when things become so familiar and normal
(39:35):
that they no longer require any kind of emotional negotiation or
requiring any kind of motivation, discipline is what
stays. If you stick with something,
discipline is that thing that that replaces motivation.
So, you know, we talk about the nervous system a lot.
What role does that play in, in,in this?
You know, I, I think on the surface most people would be
(39:56):
like, hey, you guys talk about the nervous system a lot.
Well, it literally wires your entire body.
So it's important. But yeah, in setting goals.
Well your nervous. System.
I mean, it determines everythingabout you.
In setting goals, Michael, no one's ever said that before.
What do you mean nervous system?Why?
Why is it important? Because I'm sure most people
would be like what? You know, it's again sort of
(40:18):
falling to your lowest level of training.
Your nervous system dictates your actions.
You brought up perfectly earlierhow our unconscious mind is what
is 95% of our thoughts and that's out of our control.
We may think that 5% where we'relike, I'm going to do this, I'm
going to become that. I'm what we are consciously
thinking of is what we're going to do.
(40:41):
But it's that 95% of unconsciousthoughts which are tied directly
to the nervous system. They will dictate how difficult
things are for you and your nervous system when you're
making change in your life, which is any goal you set will
probably bring some discomfort to.
You. Your nervous system is going to
flare up. So are those self defeating
(41:02):
thoughts or the self sabotaging thoughts?
Depending on what direction it decides to go.
And it depending on how resilient we get with our
nervous system, depending on howmuch we've learned resilience
with our nervous system is how well we're going to be able to
handle that discomfort that comes with change.
So the nervous system mastery isthe most important part of
(41:25):
creating change in life and how much change you can create at a
time. Well, because it literally
decides how much stress or uncertainty and effort you can
tolerate without shutting down. It's, it's in charge of that
until you, until you regulate it, until you take control,
right. And like, like all, like many
(41:46):
things we talked about, if your,if your system associates change
with danger, which in a lot of us it does, or if it associates
it with failure or rejection or loss of control, it will resist
the most positive affirmation, the most beautiful
visualization. It will sabotage, it will stop
you because it will make it hurt.
It will, it will make it hurt. And this is where that sabotage
(42:12):
kind of enters. You'll start missing days, or
you'll start being really. You'll start procrastinating a
lot, or you'll forget, or you'llalways be super tired for no
reason all the time, right? Just to name a few things.
Well, I think those are some keypoints.
What about that? What about that quote you have
in the that quote you have in inthe the show notes?
(42:35):
And C beats intensity every time.
It's about showing up. It's not.
It's about giving your best and by your best.
It's not 100% every day. It's if you got 20% in to give
that day, you're given that 20% because often it's like, I'm
going to kill it today. You go through a few days of
that and then you're like, well,I'm not going to kill it today,
so maybe I should just wait tilltomorrow.
(42:55):
And man, that you're done. It's over, game over.
It's just about being consistentwith yourself.
And again, this is one of the reasons why those micro goals
are so important. Setting those small realistic 1%
pivots in your life instead of thinking you need to do a full
180. Yeah, you know, discipline isn't
(43:17):
built by pushing harder, being more resistant.
It's built by creating consistency, like you said, tiny
little small actions repeated asclose to center as we can, right
as calmly as we can. We do teach ourselves, our
nervous system, our emotional states, everything we teach it
(43:38):
that growth does not equal a threat.
And this takes time. But when when discipline is
aligned with these, progress stops feeling like a self
betrayal and it starts to be actually sustainable, which, you
know, which brings us to our next section, which you already,
you already kind of said, you know, start small enough to win
(43:59):
daily. Set yourself up for fail or set
yourself up for success that way.
Because the goals that survive real life are not impressive on
paper. They're really boring.
They're really crazy looking, you know, but they are livable.
That's the point. They're livable.
The goal is to climb a mountain.It's going to take going and
(44:19):
hitting the treadmill a couple months at least to get your body
physically capable of just handling the terrain, let alone
any other skills you got to learn.
Well, and but that. Treadmill does not sound
exciting on paper. No, no, it doesn't sound
exciting just thinking about it.I hate the treadmill, but these
things are livable. They are built to work on your
stressful days, on your tired days, on your on these imperfect
(44:42):
seasons, on the the things that we really would like to not to
do, like ride the treadmill. And again, this goes back to
setting those goals only that work only on perfect conditions.
But you got to start small enough to win daily and you got
and you got to, you know, don't over celebrate, but but kind of,
(45:03):
you know, pay attention to your wins, right, But.
You have to celebrate your wins.Yes, that was one of the hardest
ones for me is realizing, hey, Ineed to make sure that I don't
just keep moving the goal posts,that I see what I'm doing and I
am proud of myself because it's when I move the goal post, all
of a sudden I have no recognition for myself and I
constantly feel defeated. Yes, that again, it goes back to
(45:25):
the jar of marbles, Man, Just every day is a win.
Especially if you were thrown off, throwing off course, but
you figured out a way to still do the thing even under
imperfect conditions. That's even better.
That's even a bigger win. Yeah.
You got to build trust with yourself.
(45:46):
And another thing you got to do is we talked about this much
earlier in the show, but we'll say it again.
You have to attach your goals toroutines, not your mood swings.
Yeah. You know another important thing
that James Clear brings up in his book is habit stacking.
I know for me, the reason I was able to do that six months
(46:07):
routine going to the kickboxing is because the classes started
as soon as I got off of work. There was no going home and
having that chance to be stuck there.
I had my gym bag in the car and I would change it, work and then
I would leave. Go straight to the gym, figure
out where you're going to be. Have the least resistance or the
least things to pull you away from your goals.
Yes, that's, and this is a really powerful one because we
(46:31):
tie these things to stuff we already do, you know, like
waking up or brushing our teeth or making coffee or we talked
about this in the, in the ritualshow.
You know, rituals are just routines, right?
Shutting down for the night. You stack these things, as you
said, you stack these things on,on top of stuff we've always
been doing forever. And that helps it, it helps it,
(46:52):
it helps it not be so optional. It doesn't give us a way out.
Like you said, man, I got, I got5 minutes to get changed and and
I, I make it to this class because I got to drive up to
this class. This helps it become part of the
rhythm of your day and of your life, your daily life, your
daily, boring, ordinary life, right?
(47:13):
Journaling. Do it right before you go to
bed. Do you go to the same time?
Go to bed at the same time everynight?
Keep that journal right there, right next to your phone charger
where you're plugging your phonein, and pick it up before you
plug your phone in. Yep, Yep.
Yeah. And talk about then.
And Speaking of journaling, makesure you track consistently your
(47:35):
wins and what you're doing and where you need to adjust.
And let this goal be living likeyou, right?
Make sure you're tracking it consistently.
And you're not. You're not making sure that
you're staying perfect. You're just.
But this helps you stay present within it too, because
perfection just just invites shame.
(47:55):
But consistency trains our identity to this goal.
And when you focus on showing upagain and again, even
imperfectly, you will reinforce that trust and that belief in
that faith that you are someone who can follow through.
And that's why it's important tocelebrate these little wins too.
Dude, I did it yesterday. Dude, I did it the day before.
(48:16):
Dude, I did it the day before that, man, I'm killing it,
right? And don't, don't treat, don't
treat the missteps as data, because they're not data that
you're writing down. And you know, they're not
verdicts, they just help you again, stay present, even
imperfectly. I think another really important
thing to keep in mind, Awesome. Do not set tons of goals.
(48:37):
Keep it manageable. No more than three and even
that's pushing it. Especially if there's someone
who's struggles with getting outof your comfort zone or making
change in life. Start with one or maybe 2.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah.
That, that whole, that whole, you know, chasing burst of
effort and not building a, a lasting system and something
(48:59):
that really we don't like to do because it feels icky is that we
don't build in the possibility of a failure.
Now, I know that sounds like kind of, you know, horrible for,
for setting positive goals, but I, I, I never said that life was
always positive. I've never said it and I never
(49:20):
will. Failure as a teacher just as
much as winning is so you know, you don't have to you don't have
to design, you know, build in. I'm going to fail exactly like
this. You don't want to premeditate
that, but but pretending like itwon't ever happen, that's just
wishful thinking. That's more wish it want to do
it right. It's not.
(49:42):
It's not actually going to happen.
Real life will interrupt you. Real life will trip.
You will real life will slap youupside your head.
You will get sick, you will get busy, you will lose focus.
But a sustainable goal already includes at least the the room
for returning to it after being disrupted, Right.
(50:05):
Because really, what do I do? The question you're asked,
asking this question, what do I do when I miss?
Is a much more important question than what do I do when
I succeed. Yeah.
Because I mean, look at. Oh gosh, Edison and how many
times he attempted to create hismasterpiece?
(50:25):
I mean, he failed what was it hundreds of times before he
finally created the light pole. Yeah, most of them do, yes.
Well. Thank you.
You're going to get us into you're going to get us into a
fight in the comments because a lot of people will say somebody
else invented that and he just stole it.
But but I digress. We weren't going to go there.
(50:45):
To the point, yes. To the point, yes, yes, failure
is a part of it because failure is a teacher.
And if we're not, if we're not being taught, then we're not
growing. And the point of goals is to
grow. There should be anyway.
You know, you can make goals about getting money, but you
have to grow into a person who'sgood with money or a person who,
right. You have to, you have to grow as
(51:07):
a person as your goals are beingmet.
So, and you're right, consistency beats intensity
every single time. One feels powerful in the
fleeting moments, but consistency will change who you
are and when Who you are changes, Your goals will stop
(51:27):
feeling like battles, and they'll start feeling like
expressions of your authenticity.
Authenticity of your life, even.So when it comes to old
failures, you know, because I think this is where a lot of
people get hung up as old failures live in the nervous
system, it really can just drag us down or demotivate us or get
in the way when we're trying to make actual change.
How can we start letting go of these so we can start working on
(51:48):
starting clean and starting fresh?
Well, first of all, like I always say when you calling me
first, you, you can't deny them,you can't run from them.
You got to call them out, you and, and by calling them out,
you start, you're starting to refuse to let them dictate what
you believe is possible. Now, we don't care about what
(52:09):
happened then in the sense that the, the things that happened
have control over us. Those things did happen.
We don't forget that. But but they, but they have no
bearing on the power we have in the in the moment.
And again, we're not going to get lost in what could be right.
(52:30):
We have to, we have to become present and we have to call
things out even if they hurt, especially when they're
uncomfortable. That's the first thing we do.
But these quiet, you know, these, these, these history
carries weight on us. And it can carry weight in a bad
way if we don't deal with it. Because if you're not
(52:51):
approaching these things with a clean slate and you bring every
past failure or broken promise or whatever, and you didn't
treat those things like teachers, it's going to be
really difficult to start anything new.
Amen. You know, I think another place
people get stuck is they hold their past selves to who they
are today. We forget how much we grow,
(53:11):
especially in the heat of the moment where we're flared up or
triggered. We forget we are not the same
person we were 10 years ago whenthat happened.
Yeah, you talk all you talk about a lot on the podcast, your
journey from from many years agotill now.
And you know you are killing it right now, but you're not.
(53:32):
But but you're not the same person.
And you realize that, you understand that and you know you
you can't, you can't show up as you were.
Then again, it's impossible. That person is dead.
If you grew, then you must meet yourself where you're at.
You have to. And even if you're carrying
(53:53):
around some weight in the past, still, well, you got to come
clean with that too. If you want to start new, you
got you have to learn to integrate these shadows.
You must. You got to understand the parts
that are trying to stop you frombecoming your best part.
They have your best interests inmind, but their mechanisms are
out of date and really helping you create your the life you
(54:14):
truly want. Yeah.
And as you said earlier, again, you know, you don't need some
perfect perfect year, perfect month or some kind of symbolic
reset to begin again, because ifyou don't do the work, it's not
going to matter anyway. Because I, I don't know if you,
I don't know if you alluded to this or not, but I'm just going
to say it. When, when you sit around and
(54:36):
wait for a perfect starting point, you're just, there's just
a different kind of avoidance. You're just, you know, putting
it off and putting it off and putting it off.
Thanks God. These things start with these,
these internal choices, these decisions.
Put your foot down facing things.
Well that takes me to the thought of like the trap of
tomorrow. Man, I tell you what, I have
(54:56):
fallen into that so many times. Tomorrow does not exist.
You should never base anything you want to build or do in your
life on. I will do that tomorrow because
tomorrow will never come. Yeah, yeah.
And and you know what, I I talk a lot.
I talk a lot about, you know, letting go of the past.
And you know, again, you're not,you're not erasing the past that
(55:18):
that stuff happened to lead to who you are today, for better or
for worse, right? You start, you start clean by
just not dragging that stuff around, right?
That that's just right. And and your goals really
should, should support your life, not punishment.
If again, we talked about this, I think at the beginning of the
show, But if, if something is rooted in shame or comparison or
(55:42):
self criticism or some need to prove you're worthy, it's just
not going to it's not going to sustain.
It's just it's about alignment. Remember alignment, resonance,
not any of those other things. Well, I think alignment's so
important, and we can easily sell ourselves on things that
are not actually in alignment. What makes your soul sing?
(56:06):
What is the change that you knowyou want to make so badly, and
what do you need to do to get tothe point where you can make
that change? Right.
Yeah, absolutely, dude. Oh, Dang it.
I was going to still, I was going to still Heather's water.
But she drank it all. Darn it.
Foiled again. Foiled again.
(56:29):
Do you have any closing thoughtsbefore we jump into our
affirmations and exercises? Yeah, so, so remember, goals are
not measurements of things like your value or your worth.
They, they are simply tools. And for us, the way we would
prefer, well, the way we do it and the way we're trying to
trying to get you to see is thatthere are tools for alignment.
(56:51):
They can't be built on pressure or shame or fantasy because they
just real life will will crush them.
But if we build them on honesty and structure and self respect
and trust, it becomes something that we can carry with you,
especially on those really hard days.
And you don't need more motivation.
This is not meant to be a motivational speech, OK?
(57:12):
Because you don't need more motivation.
You need something that respectswho you are and also respects
the humanity within you because that comes with being imperfect.
So you don't need to become someone else.
You you just need to learn to work with who you are in the
moment already. And you don't you, you can't
punish yourself into progress. You just can't.
(57:34):
It doesn't work that way. Growth that is built on trust
and compassion for ourselves and, and truth that's steady,
that's grounded, right? And that's going to be way more
lasting. So my call to action today will
be choose one goal and shrink it.
(57:57):
Shrink the goal to meet you where you're at.
Shrink it down to where it fits into your real, actual life.
All all, all your your, all the good and bad, right?
And try to anchor it and stack it as as Michael said, have it
stack it on something you already do.
It could be something mundane and boring.
(58:18):
Those are the best things to stack on, by the way.
Take my exercise for this episode.
Good night. No, you're good that this is
great. It's reiterating what we said
earlier and it's the point. Right, right, right.
OK, keep. Going though.
I'm like, I'm like, I don't remember seeing that, but and
then look, decide what success looks on your worst day.
(58:39):
That's another tip I'll give you.
Not your best day, but your worst day.
We all have bad days and we can,we can all look back and go,
man, that was a really bad day. So if the goal could still
sustain that day, then it'll last because you know, good days
will be easy. So and I want you to make this
commitment to yourself. Just say I will show up in a way
(59:00):
I can sustain on my on my worst days.
And don't forget to look for proof and don't forget to create
the evidence and look for consist and let consistency be
that proof and let structure be your support.
And again, let self trust be thereal victory because that will
be a big, big take away from this.
(59:21):
And like Michael said earlier, you don't need to overhaul your
entire life. You just need to find things
that that you truly resonate with and truly aligned with and
just start taking those steps and then and then do it the next
day and eventually you'll be good, be good to go.
Beautiful. I'm looking at your exercise.
I did kind of steal a little bit.
(59:44):
Hey, it's a great one though, and it's I mean, we brought it
up earlier and I think people should definitely do it.
So as an extra, since he took myexercise, I'm going to attach
because James Clear has made it public material, his habit
stacking guides and workbooks that you can access.
So just click on the link, printoff the page, and it can help
(01:00:06):
you really dissect your goals and set really realistic goals.
So I'm going to include that in the show notes.
So check that out below. That'd be good.
For affirmations today, I build momentum through consistency,
not pressure. I trust myself to grow through
small steps. I follow through even when
motivation fades. My goals support my nervous
(01:00:29):
system, not fight it. I become who I choose through
daily action and for our journaling prompts.
Am I setting this goal from selfrespect or self criticism?
Dive deep into it, write it out.See where this goal truly
originates. Is it aligned with who you are,
or is it aligned with who you want people to see?
What would consistency look likeon my worst day?
(01:00:52):
Not my best, which is a really good one.
Just do it twice. Just do it twice and then who do
I need to become for this goal to feel natural instead of
forced. Thank you so much for joining us
today. Please check out our different
feeds, our shorts over on YouTube, TikTok, Instagram.
(01:01:14):
You already know where to find the podcast.
Also check out new ashley.com. A lot of exciting things coming
down the hoops for that here soon, so stay tuned and with
love and gratitude, Adeluchum. Adeluchum.
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