The Anatomy of Loneliness Book Review

In this episode of the New Ashla Podcast, Mike and Justin explore the profound themes of loneliness as discussed in Teal Swan's book, 'The Anatomy of Loneliness.' They delve into the three pillars of loneliness: separation, shame, and fear, and how these elements contribute to feelings of isolation. The conversation emphasizes the importance of vulnerability, connection, and the integration of our fragmented selves through parts work. The hosts share personal insights and practical advice on how to navigate loneliness and foster deeper connections with ourselves and others.

New Ashla Links:

Get the book here!⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ https://a.co/d/4ADHZyA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/NewAshla⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Facebook:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/JustinVGates⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

TikTok:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.tiktok.com/@justinvgates?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@KnightsofAwakening⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

YouTube:⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.youtube.com/@TemplumLumis⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.newashla.com⁠⁠⁠⁠

Takeaways

Loneliness is a sensation we go through, not just about being alone.

The three pillars of loneliness are separation, shame, and fear.

Separation is a disconnect from ourselves and others.

Shame drives many actions and can lead to feelings of inadequacy.

Fear can paralyze us and prevent growth.

Vulnerability is essential for authentic connections.

Parts work helps integrate fragmented aspects of ourselves.

Healing comes through connection, not isolation.

Authenticity is the highest vibration for true connection.

Loneliness is a signal, not a flaw.

Keywords

The Anatomy of Loneliness, Teal Swan, book review, loneliness, connection, emotional healing, self-awareness, inner child, trauma healing, shadow work, personal growth, mental health, isolation, vulnerability, authenticity, healing journey, spiritual growth, psychology, relationships, self-connection, belonging, emotional pain, integration, New Ashla Podcast

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hello and welcome to the new Asha podcast.
Today we are diving into the book The Anatomy of Loneliness.
Now I thought this was a pertinent topic with holidays on
the rise and this is the time where people tend to feel

(00:22):
loneliness the most. Now, this book is something that
I read a year or two ago and it really had a profound impact on
me because I see isolation in the world today and it's so
abundant. And I was curious, what is it
that's leading this epidemic of loneliness?
And this book does a really goodjob paying a picture of as Teal

(00:45):
Swan, who wrote the book phrasesat the Three Pillars of
Loneliness, which is separation,shame and fear.
So we're going to dive into these concepts and how it
pertains to Ashla and hopefully give shed some light on how to
break out of isolation and loneliness and get out of your
head and into your life. My name is Michael Perry, and

(01:06):
I'm joined today by Justin Gates.
And this is the new Ashla podcast.
So the anatomy of loneliness. Now, I was curious what your
thoughts were going to be on this book, Justin.
It is a different type of book when it comes to Teal Swan's
work. She's a lot more into the
spiritual saying and understanding the energies at
play. I, I have to be honest with you,
I was thinking, oh, this is going to be a snoozer.

(01:28):
I'm going to be like flicking myself in the third eye trying
to stay awake, you know? But it wasn't like that because
she, she really kind of speaks my language, you know what I
mean? I mean, it's she, she comes at
it, she comes at I, I interestingly enough, it's like,
it was almost like I was listening to a, a different

(01:51):
dimensions version of our podcast where we really do that
psycho spiritual kind of blend. When we, you know, we talked
about the topics, it was very much like that.
So I was, I was very relieved. I was like, oh, this is going to
be a, this is going to be a bookI can listen to.
But she really hit, she really hits a nail on the head.
I mean, she talks about a lot ofthe stuff that that we we touch
on all the time, but she comes at it from a very unique

(02:14):
perspective, which which was refreshing.
I mean, it's like she comes at loneliness isn't about being
alone. Loneliness is a sensation we go
through. We could be surrounded by people
but still feel lonely. It is this inauthentic
presentation we give to life which we talk about often, you
know, wearing social masks. Yeah.

(02:34):
Well, you know, you know what itreally reminded me of as I got
started getting into it more, itreminded me of the show we did
having this connection, Hell's Disconnection.
It was really ringing along a lot of those.
And I wish I'd have listened to this, to this book before we did
that show, because I would have been able to probably expand a
little better or more than we did.
But it was really, really kind of hitting that same vibe of
that show that we did. We talked about a lot of the

(02:56):
same stuff and you know, the fact that loneliness is not an
absence of people. Lots of people are lonely out
there and they have lots of people around them.
It's, it's an absence of connection.
It has nothing to do with peoplebeing in proximity of you or
even trying to fawn over you or show you attention.
It's you're just, you're the connection is busted.

(03:18):
And you know, of course, loneliness, as we talked about
it, it really leads into some really, really bad territory
that we'll get into today. But like it's like I said, it's
not a lack of bodies around us. It's the lack of that, not that
connect, not just that connection, but that feeling of
belonging. It's like this disconnect we
have from our relationships. You know, it's, again, you can
be surrounded by people. It's this inability to get,

(03:42):
whether it's reciprocity or being able to express ourselves.
I mean, it's and so many people suffer from this.
I see this with so many, especially when it comes to a
lot of men being stoic and trying to sort of shove their
emotions down and carry the weight of the family on their
back. Yeah, yeah.
I'm trying to say. Take it.
I resemble that remark a little bit.

(04:02):
A. Little bit you got the
vulnerability part down though. I do.
To enough of a degree. My daughters, man, my daughters
did that to me. My daughters and my wife.
You know, I, I, I, I say this often and it's they, they helped
change me and heal me in ways that I can't even describe.
But vulnerability that kind of surrendered, the surrender of

(04:25):
that part of me. Oh man, that's all them.
All I had to do was just let him, you know what I mean?
Just let it happen. So.
But I am living proof that you can be hella stoic and hella
awesome at the same time. Damn straight.
I'm sure, I'm sure the ghosts behind me are.
She hide in the Yeah, she's hiding back there.
She's probably rolling her eyes at me right now.

(04:45):
Probably. She she can't participate today
because she has no voice, because she's sick, even though
she says she's not sick, but shehas no voice and she napped.
Stoicism. Yeah, yeah, she's very stupid.
But anyways, you know, and from and in our perspective, the
actual perspective, we share this idea, this understanding,
we also believe that there was afundamental truth in what she's

(05:07):
saying. Teal Swan is saying is that this
isn't, this isn't a lack of physical connection.
This is a lack of because we arethreads of the same light.
We are threads of the same web of connection and we are just
simply disconnected. And maybe maybe we're never
disconnected as I said before inthe other show, but but that's

(05:28):
the connection is definitely in trouble.
It's definitely harmed or hurt. Yeah, so makes me think of that
saying that you can only meet someone as deeply as they've met
themselves. Yeah.
Right. Or it's just like we have all
these relationships that are just, they can be so surface
level, but it's like when we canstart opening up and show our
true selves, it can create true genuine connection.

(05:50):
It can help create a situation where we can help build each
other up instead of just, oh, he's doing fine, He's doing
fine. Yeah, and I kind of I kind of
looked at the three, the three, the three pillars that she uses,
separation, shame and fear. I kind of try to connect them to
to how how I speak and how I teach the actual way.
And you know, separation would be disconnection from the light,

(06:13):
from the web. You know, shame will be that
that wound of unworthiness and fear in this context really is
that really guarded heart, right.
It's this you just not letting anybody near you in that deep,
deeper spiritual way. And that again, that's she
really describes this as a spiritual problem, a spiritual
and emotional problem. And that separates from the

(06:35):
three things that she talks about, separation, shame and
fear. So but as I always say to you,
Michael, and as I've always taught you, none of these things
are enemies. None of these things are are the
opposition. They are teachers.
They are teachers. These are things that we've
forgotten. You know, I'm not so sure we're
born wounded. I know, I know.
We can get someone on here that will argue with me for six hours

(06:57):
about how we are from many past lives.
But it really feels like these are these are behaviors, these
are shadows that come up after we forgot our true selves.
Yeah, which she elaborates a loton in the book because and it
it's, I love how she phrases things like parts work, how a
lot of these different symptoms,which we'll dive into parts work
as we go through this because she sort of elaborates on it

(07:19):
throughout the book is it's likethis divide that happens within
us. We have our protector parts and
these vulnerable parts that just, they don't see eye to eye.
They have different needs. And without that communication
and awareness of these two parts, it's this constant
turmoil we're in internally. Well, and she kind of, and she

(07:41):
kind of talks about how people will, will just encourage you.
We'll just go, go surround yourself with people, go hang
out at parties, go do this, which is not a good solution,
not for everyone, not if these things are really deeply rooted,
right? Because it's not solved by
simply surrounding yourself withpeople.
I've been in crowded rooms and still felt lonely.
People feel, people feel lonely in a marriage or within a big

(08:02):
family. So it's not, it's again, it's
not, this isn't an easy thing tosolve with just be around more
people because that's just kind of exasperates the problem for
many anyway, because it's not a condition of the environment.
It's a condition of your heart and those things that you need
to face and those things that need to be healed.
Often we are the the biggest obstacle in our own ways.

(08:24):
I mean, we see nowadays as we talk about isolation being so
rampant in society. I mean, look at the rise of
social anxiety. I don't know what the numbers
are, but I bet you they're extremely high when it comes to
how many people suffer from social anxiety.
I think a lot of it ties down tothis whole feeling of shame or
the fear. Well, she also talks about, and
I love the way she she talks about things in that, in that

(08:44):
kind of the spiritual basis, because she talks about
loneliness begins when our soulsfeel severed from our origin
points. And for us, we call that the
light. We call that creation, we call
that source. But that thing that animates all
things, that energy, that force.And it's not a literal
separation because no one can beremoved from the source.

(09:07):
Nobody can be removed from the creator that gave us life.
But again, it's a forgetting. It's a forgetting and she really
kind of talks talks about that alot.
But this is kind of what this disconnection or separation
sounds like. It sounds like I don't belong
anywhere or I'm always on my ownor I'm on my own.
I got to do it myself. No one understands me type

(09:29):
things. And a lot of that is, like you
said, it's conditioning that's happened throughout her life.
Certain circumstances, events, people in our lives disappoint,
betray, reject or abandoned us and we end up cultivating this
armor that we try to present to the world and present to protect
ourselves. They don't rely on anyone.
That I don't have to worry aboutever being hurt again is the

(09:50):
mentality. I figured that would be Heather.
Looked up your question and it says approximately 7, a little
over 7% of adults in the US experience social anxiety
disorder. Fascinating.
But that's like 15,000,000 people.
By the way, though 7% of the large population is a lot.
I figured that percentage would be higher because I always feel

(10:12):
like we all know people. We all know several people that
are like that. Yeah, I know more people than
not, but that is fascinating. Thank you for looking that up,
Heather. And, and, and, it says in a
lifetime, estimated 12.1% of adults will will find themselves
being socially anxious at one point or the other.
Which makes sense when it comes to the peaks and valleys of

(10:32):
going through emotional turmoil.I mean, we all go through
situations in our life. I know for me, it's like I was
in that downward slope and I love socializing.
I'm still coming out of that slope.
Well, and, and going back to, to, to the connection as heaven
show, you know, we have to try to remember that we are living
threads of this tapestry of consciousness.
And if we, if, if we purposely move for this through this world

(10:55):
as if we are exiles instead of participants, then creation
becomes a very horrible place tobe sitting in, You know, and,
and the real tragedy is not thatwe, we are disconnected, but we
believe that we're disconnected because we're never totally,
completely, truly disconnected. We just believe we are.
I think it ties into one of my favorite axioms.
Your perception is reality. It's it's all about the way we

(11:19):
perceive the world around us andwho we are in that world.
Yeah. Often most of our inadequacies
are just moments in our life where we fell short.
But now we label our whole life as that.
Yeah, well, probably because youheard a lot of that when you're
growing up, you know, nothing you ever did was good enough,
even if you gave your best. That's all I ever asked for
people on this show. It's all I ever asked for
people. When I teach people, that's all

(11:40):
I ever asked. Are you just give me your pills.
But I've only got 20%. All right, man, I'll spot you
the 80% today. It's all good.
Do your best, you know, And but a lot of us don't hear that a
lot or it, you know, pride. Pride in us from others.
Come at really, really weird times instead of those little,

(12:01):
those little times, you know, like you're a little leaguer,
you strike out, you have, you have a bad game, you strike out
three times. Hey, man, you did your best.
My grandfather was really good about that.
He was always, always very encouraging.
But but you know, he was one of a sea of, of 100 that, you know,
that that was the that was the exception, not the rule.

(12:21):
And I feel like we're probably all of us are like that, you
know, in one way. When I think it's one of those
like unspoken things, I mean, one of the things I came to
realize as I started this healing journey is I always
projected on the world that everyone was perfect.
Not that I thought they were perfect, but I thought everybody
was way up here when it came to a lot of these things.
And I was down here trying to work my way up to being a

(12:45):
productive member of society. And it took the flip of
realizing that most of us would struggle with the same
challenges, anxiety, depression,these different bouts in our
life, managing high stress situations.
I mean, it's one of my favorite things to say to my clients is
when they're going through a hard time and they're
struggling, they got maybe they're dealing with a few vices

(13:05):
or they're just like, they're soemotional.
And it's like, look, you look ata lot of the great people in the
world. Yeah, you see their
accomplishments. But what you don't see is them
in the trenches too, because when they were in the trenches
they were suffering too, and they were going through their
own waves. So where does that shame come
from? Let's talk about that second
pillar, that that pillar of shame.

(13:26):
Where does that you know, why does she make that?
Why does she make that one of the pillars?
Is it that important? I think shame is one of the
biggest driving forces in most people life.
Even hyper successful people arealways trying to compensate the
shame they feel inside. Whether it's the small areas
where they've messed up in life,it's their shortcomings.

(13:47):
People try so hard to have that air of perfection, and in turn
there's this inner turmoil that's never addressed and shame
drives so much action. Yeah, and, and it it, it, it
comes really, it comes really hard and fast, especially when
again, when you're a kid, that'swhere it usually starts.
And, and, and it's not even malicious a lot of times it

(14:09):
could just be, or you could justmisunderstand what, how people
are reacting to, to your expression or your emotions, or,
you know, your authenticity or, or they could, you know, you
could have a jokester in, in your family who are, who is just
joking with you. You know, it's kind of sounds
like ridicule, but maybe they'rejust joking or being sarcastic.
But if we talk about how our, our subconscious doesn't have a

(14:32):
sense of humor, it doesn't know anything.
And especially when we're reallyimpressionable, when everything
is growing within us, that stuffjust gets kind of planted right.
So. Yeah, of course I dealt with
that a law growing up. I I never knew what sarcasm was
until I was 18 and my dad was a sarcastic mother trucker.
And it's like, man, I look back at all the times it was like all

(14:53):
these little criticisms, all these little statements, and I
took it so personally. Well, if you're not taught the
difference, how do you know? But even if you know the
difference, that stuff starts tostarts to add up over time,
whether you're a kid or an adult.
But you get to a point where your heart really draws a
conclusion is what the problem must be me, I must be the

(15:16):
problem. I'm at the center of all this
everywhere I go. I must be the problem, which is
of course not true in this regard.
Sometimes we are the worst things in our lives sometimes
and we are our worst enemies andwe lie to ourselves and
sometimes we are the are the kind of negative juju that goes
from place to place. But in this in this case, we're
not. It's just, you know, it's.

(15:37):
Not, I think often. I mean, this ties into that
parts work, right? Where we have a part of ourself.
It's easier that I take accountability for everything
going around around me. That way I don't have to deal
with confrontation. That way I don't have to deal
with the fallout of these connections.
It's this hidden voice inside ofus that that just tells us we're
wrong. We don't have to worry about the

(15:58):
repercussions of being right. Right.
And, and you're right, this one is probably the most devastating
pillar of loneliness here because because it goes really
deep, it goes right to the heart, right?
Your heart believes that it's unlovable or that it's invisible
or even worse, somehow never enough.
So you draw these conclusions that the problem must be me, or

(16:20):
that love is something that others get around me and they
get it from me, but I have to earn it, which of course you
can't earn love. Well, what's crazy is I don't
think many people even think about it.
They just assume that's how the world works.
That is just how they flow through life.
Well, This is why we always say,This is why we always say no
shame, don't have any shame, ignorance.

(16:42):
Yet knowledge is a line of our code, is it not?
It's important to have ignoranceif you seek knowledge.
It's OK to be ignorant. We are all ignorant in one thing
or the other, or a million things, right?
But it's how you carry that. Does that ignorance make you
more curious? Does that ignorance make you
more student like forever and ever?

(17:02):
Does it? Does it keep you as the
perpetual learner for the rest of your days?
A true master is a perpetual learner.
But there's nothing wrong with being ignorant.
That is a human condition, especially.
I think it's important we elaborate on this because this
is this is so true for so many. I know when we first met I
suffered with this. It was this concept.

(17:22):
I need to know everything because if I don't, I'm not
safe. If I don't know everything then
I am wrong. So kind of in in your words,
elaborate on the code we use that first line ignorance
acknowledge. Yeah, I mean, when it comes to
ignorant acknowledge, it's it's being able to be humble enough
to accept opposing perspectives and it doesn't mean you have to

(17:45):
accept them as reality. But the more we can stop being
so rigid in our attachment to our understanding, so rigid and
our attachment to being right, the more we can open ourselves
up to truth. Because truth is where reality
is. And we all live in different
realities, but the more we can take different perspectives.

(18:05):
It's one of the greatest building blocks for becoming
whole as a person. Ashla was never built the
philosophy. Ashla was never built to be a
healing modality, but because italigns with the literal truth of
the universe, it, it aligns withhealing, right?
And the very first code that youlearn under our toolage is the

(18:26):
Unity code, or we call it the Mind code or the code of the
student. Emotion, yet peace.
Well, that's really important for healing, isn't it?
Ignorance yet knowledge, It's fit right in here.
Passion yet serenity, chaos yet harmony, Death yet the force.
So these are all very important ways to shift your ideal of

(18:50):
being traumatized and hurt to start the healing journey
because as you said, and you andyou explained it so very well.
So I won't, I won't talk too much about it.
But where there's light, there is shadow.
That is a law of the universe, period.
Go outside when the sun's out. Tell me it doesn't cast a
shadow. If it doesn't, you might be a

(19:11):
vampire, but that's for a different show.
I don't know. Can vampires cast shadows?
I don't think they can. It's like looking in the mirror,
right type thing. But well, this is this is 1.
I think we also should jump on because I know me, I've heard
this phrase even before jumping into this training and I never
quite understood it. It's like I don't have a shadow.
I I am a good person. So.

(19:33):
So every light casts a shadow, literally and figuratively,
because the light truth shines on everything.
And it brings us to bear to face, to face with the things
that we don't want to see. Now, when we talk about literal
shadows, they're there all the time.
You never get rid of them, right?
Well, that's because they are a part of you.

(19:54):
It's just the way it is, these emotional shadows and these
spiritual shadows and these, youknow, shadows of the mind and
all these things that we talk about, those are part of you
too. But.
To understand this line, ignorance that you got
knowledge, I want you to, I wantyou to imagine that ignorance is
simply the shadow cast by a, by a light of potential, right?

(20:16):
It's not sin, it's not shame, but it's a reminder of what
exists in this universe and all parts of ourselves, whether we
want to see them or not. And it reminds us how far we
have yet to walk on our path, right.
And, and we, we believe that every being is born into this
kind of quiet fog, if you will, and every step we take toward

(20:41):
awareness is an act of sacred courage.
It's to live by. To live by this line of the code
is to remember that knowledge isa Lantern that we must light for
ourselves if we are to carry it forward forever.
Others can light our Lantern, but we must learn to sustain
that light. We must learn to always seek

(21:02):
knowledge and, and we don't condemn, and we're not condemned
by ignorance, at least not innocent ignorance.
We are by willful ignorance, which is a whole nother thing,
right? Which is really the refusal to
learn. That's what we're really
condemned by, but not by it, notby ignorance, especially
innocent ignorance. Or the unwillingness to reflect.

(21:22):
I know that was that too. For me, one of the biggest
things is being unwilling to understand the mechanisms that
drove me. You know, again, I thought I
was, I'm going to say perfect, but I didn't think I was
perfect. But it's like the way I showed
up, the way I was always there for everybody in my life, the
way I would sacrifice and sacrifice.
And I thought it was the most noble of deeds.

(21:43):
And you start to shine that light and you start to see the
motives behind it, how that is how I knew how to get validation
and love. That's something I didn't know
how to give myself. For the luminari, which is what
we are, perfection is never evenin our even in our peripheries
at all. We don't care.
We do not care about perfection.And for those of you who never

(22:05):
aspire to be a luminary or a Walker of light in our path, you
should never look for perfection.
Either Presence over perfection or presence must be the goal.
And in presence you find knowledge over ignorance.
In presence you find the the understandings that you that the
awareness, the understanding is the clarity.

(22:26):
Growth is our goal, right for Illuminati growth now not just
our growth, but others too. We are sculptors of the self.
We shape every part of our self,stone by stone, mistake by
mistake, so that we can have theclearest reflection of ourselves
seen in everything we do. So every error, every, every

(22:49):
mistake, every misstep, every humbling, embarrassing, annoying
moment is literally just a chisel stroke of growth.
We're just banging away no matter what's happening, right?
So to acknowledge ignorance is the very beginnings of that
unfolding into wisdom. You must have ignorance if you

(23:10):
are to find wisdom. Period.
So it's not anything to run fromor hide from.
The longer you hide from it, theharder it gets.
And for all of us, probably we waited a long time before we
started to. But again, as I say many times
before and forever and ever, this is not a race.

(23:30):
This is not a race. Your unfolding must be done in
its own time. But this is the beginning.
Ignorance is the beginning of wisdom vitally important for
human beings, all of us, and we're all human beings.
It's really important for us to understand ignorance is not,
there's not something wrong withyou.
It is you are You are in prime position to find wisdom now,

(23:52):
right? So I remember when I started my
training, I was just like, I hadto go through it with the lens
of a child, you know, like a kidin a candy shop.
I had to just pretend everythingI knew wasn't true and that I
was open to receiving and understanding whatever I could,
or at least that I was willing to challenge whatever beliefs I
once held. Yes.
And the second code we, we have 3 codes that that we teach and

(24:14):
that we follow. The second one is, is the
direction code or the body code,right?
And this is a reworking of the code that says Jedi are
guardians of peace and justice. We, we, we practice it as we are
right? And one of the lines of that
code is we seek to improve ourselves through knowledge and
training. In other words, we practice and

(24:38):
practice and practice until we get it right.
And then once we get it right, we remember that we won't always
get it right even if we can get it right sometimes.
You know, and this goes back to what you said about being
reflective. The, the, the lesson in this
line of the code, we seek to improve ourselves through
knowledge and training is you must have a discipline and

(24:59):
contemplative mind and it must be looking for and steeped in
the pursuit of knowledge to findwisdom.
That's how you find that path toenlightenment, which of course
will look different for everyoneelse.
But in our tradition, this is the harmony of thought and our
motives and our action, right? So we have to have an open yet

(25:20):
discipline mind and body and spirit, because these open the
very heavy doors to these things.
And the doors are heavy sometimes, but you got to have
discipline and you must be contemplative.
It's a mandatory, it is mandatory.
So, but there's nothing wrong with you if you have ignorance

(25:41):
and that's what we're talking about here.
Get it to get us back there. You know, you're not broken,
you're not undeserving anything.You're just ignorant at the
moment and you will learn if youseek.
Well, I think one of the misconstrued thoughts about
healing out there is they talk about it like it's this magical
thing that you heal and you get all better.
And it's like, man, it is the most excruciating work I have

(26:02):
ever done. Yeah.
And and you know, it's funny yousay that some some
synchronicity, a lot of synchronicity in the last few
weeks on the show here as as as they'll they'll hear on the show
that drops tomorrow the 18th. There's a lot of synchronicity
in that show that we did with with Shannon and Marissa.
But you know, I was, I was working on, I was working on

(26:25):
part of parts of the teachings today and I was working on
alchemy, alchemy of the night. And part of that is one of the
big powerful tools we use like many spiritual traditions and
even mind traditions, I don't know what you, what we call them
psycho, psychoanalytic, analytic, yeah, is affirmations

(26:45):
and visualizations. Very powerful tools, but I had
to make sure that I put in therelook before I get any further
into this blah blah blah blah blah.
This is not a magic pill. There are no magic pills.
You still must blood bleed and sweat and cry through this
because that's what it takes. You know.

(27:09):
That's what it takes for all of us.
And even after you've cried and you haven't cried for 10 years,
guess what? You'll hear a song on the radio
and you'll cry again and it's OK.
Well, man, I tell you what, one of the hardest parts of the
healing journey is just accessing those emotions we've
buried. So deep down I know.
And that sort of ties into shameright there.
I know for me, it's like anger and disgust were emotions that I

(27:31):
have struggled to access my whole life because they never
felt safe. Those were the parts I had
tucked away because I had protector parts saying it's much
easier to just let things go. It's much easier to just roll
with the punches. Yeah, and that segues you talk
about, talk about protecting yourself, the guarded heart or
fear. She calls it fear.
I call it the guarded heart whenthe pain is, is at such a point

(27:54):
where it teaches us to protect ourselves from being seen just
in case, just in case love hurtsbecause it does sometimes,
right. And this, this is, this is, this
is a huge paradox. We long to be known, we long to
be seen. Yet we do what we hide.
We hide. We, we, we, we yearn and long

(28:17):
for closeness, yet we retreat. And for these people, these are
walls built not out of arrogance.
Like I'm better than everybody else.
I don't want them in here. I want them infecting me, but
it's they're built out of survival, aren't they?
Right, because. Very much so, because.
To your nervous system, love is what?
It's dangerous, it's a risk. Connection and closeness is is a
risk. It's dangerous.

(28:38):
We can't risk. Feel so unsafe.
Yes, and and and and connection,one of the two, one of the two
most powerful forces in the universe.
For humans, connection becomes abattlefield instead of of that
circle of trust or that circle of security.
Because your body does what, Michael?
It remembers everything right? You know, it's one of the things

(28:58):
I've been learning a lot on my journey recently is it's just
like whenever I get these triggers, whenever something
stresses me out, it's like I gotto step back and be like, what
memory is happening in my body right now?
Yeah, yeah, because the body remembers past betrayals and
abandonments and humiliations, and it ruminates and plays it
over and over again. But it doesn't just play out in

(29:19):
your mind. You don't just feel it in your
heart. You start to feel it in your
body. You start to do this, man.
You start to flinch sometime andthat's that's no bueno.
No. And it's it's hard to break that
cycle. You know, I look at the comfort
zone as this like shell that slowly shrinks around us the
more we allow it to control us and it gets so hard to break
free. That show show that you led that

(29:41):
we did on the on the comfort zone was a really good one.
I suggest you guys go check thatone out, even if you have to
pause this one to go check that one out and but make sure you
come back. Yeah, go check that one out.
Come back. But you really hit the nail on
the head with that during that show where you do, you just lock
yourself in a cage and it's not a nice roomy jail cell.
It's one that literally encases you.
And what this looks like where, where you're just keeping all

(30:04):
the conversations that you mighthave with people really shallow
and really kind of surface levelbecause you don't want to be
vulnerable. You tend to pick people who are
emotionally unavailable, which is interesting.
Yeah, right. Well, it's like, it's crazy when
we look at attachment styles, the avoidant and the anxious,
they both fear the same thing. They just show it in different
ways. What about people who end the

(30:25):
relationships really early? So, and another one I'll I'll
bring up to you is something I see a lot is you have that one
person who is like everybody's advisor, everybody's spiritual
guru, but they don't let anybodysupport them at all.
One little time. Yeah.
That, man, I tell you what, I fell into that category for the
longest time. It was one of those.
And even now, as I'm working through my trauma, I keep

(30:47):
finding myself trying to just give people the answers.
Yeah, I don't talk about my problems.
And I finally had a buddy reach out two weeks ago.
I was like, hey, man, like you've been really good at
supporting me. Just know you can come to me
with crap, too. And it just like it just came
out this overflow. Good.
I mean, it probably didn't feel good for him.
Probably was really horrifying, but good for him.

(31:09):
Oh, good for definitely. With all the demons I had
stacked up right there. Well, good for him though.
I mean, it's that's tough to do,especially if you're a tough
guy, you know what I mean? The old tough guy.
No, exactly. But it's important for us to
remember that when we're dealingwith the guarded heart or the
Fear Pillar, we have to rememberthat behind every wall there's a

(31:29):
doorway. We're never, ever trapped.
We're never stuck. We don't have to be that way.
And that guard that's there watching over you is not there
to imprison you, but to protect the most tender parts of you
until you feel safe enough to emerge.
So, you know, again, you know, we always say none of this is

(31:50):
bad. These are opportunities.
These can be teachers. But the three of these form that
Anatomy of Loneliness, and theseare three good ones.
She picked the she picked the three really good ones for that.
When it really holds it together, because when we have
the separation, we have the shame, we have the fear, It's
just this culminating mess that takes hold of us and it it's

(32:13):
such a struggle to break free from again, Isolation is rampant
everywhere. And the only way we can break
out of that isolation is learning to work with these
things inside of ourselves. To learn to not fight them, not
repress them, but to accept themand act anyway.
Yeah, you know, my my intention for this episode is is pretty

(32:33):
simple one I I I want us all to understand where loneliness
comes from, how it forms in the body, how it presents in the
mind and the spirit and how we can begin that sacred return to
connection and love and belonging.
What are your? For me, it's to help people sort
of reflect on where they're at in life.

(32:53):
Again, isolation is probably oneof the biggest things I'm most
passionate about because I've been there and it is a horrible
place to be. But connection is everywhere if
we choose to look for it. I always refer to this as the
handshake. Everyone wants to have that
handshake. They're just waiting for someone
to reach out and do it. And so I want to spread that
awareness and help inspire people to take more action in

(33:16):
their lives to getting out of their shells, getting out of
their heads and getting into their lives.
So just as a side note, the notes notes over the next few
notes, they break down and they dive deeper into these things.
Do you think that we've touched upon these or do we need to
touch upon these some more? So I was just reading them like
me. So we've kind of, we've kind of
dove into these three separations, I guess.

(33:38):
I guess we can go one at a time to see if there's anything we
missed starting with separation.I mean, because we can talk
about these for hours and hours,each of them.
That we get done a whole episodeper per pillar.
Right. So, so, so was there anything
that we kind of missed on, on Pillar 1 separation?
I think when it comes to separation, it's not just a
separation from others, it's a separation from ourselves, which

(34:03):
is something that just, it's notsomething we notice until we
gain the awareness, right? When we end up looking at
ourselves truly on what parts ofourselves we're disconnected
from, whether that's joy, whether that's anger, whether
that's rest, there's the we haveneeds as people.
And when it comes to emotions especially, it's a compass

(34:25):
that's supposed to guide us. And the conditioning we go
through through life slowly starts to impede on these
emotions. So we start to lock them away
where we can't hear the messagesthey're trying to tell us.
Yeah, yeah. For me, this feels even worse
than separating from ourself, because to me that means when I
when I hear that it means to be fragmented, which which it, it
does mean that in some ways. But really this is this is more

(34:48):
of a, a separation from a disconnect from our
authenticity. Think about the child who
becomes the caretaker obsessively, right?
Think about the kid that becomesthat goes silent, who maybe
wasn't over share or maybe over talker or was just always really
excited about sharing everything.
And now all of a sudden they're not talking.
They're they're silent. They're just, they've hidden,

(35:09):
hidden away, separated from that, that authentic part of
themselves or that more, let's call him more curious child
becomes super compliant to a fault, almost right.
This loss of authenticity be before they've even gotten a
chance to really learn who they are.
And I'll say this is where it does fracture.

(35:31):
In an act of survival, they do fracture and then a masked
presentable, quote UN quote presentable version is created.
That performance starts for many, many years, sometimes for
people's lifetimes because they they developed that mask or that
costume that seems that that that that they believe is more
lovable. Well, that's really what it is.

(35:54):
I mean, when we start to separate like that, which we're
all guilty of it to some degree or another, that is just how
upbringing goes. It's not to blame our parents,
but it is to understand that we tried to fit a mold.
We tried to. Oh, go ahead.
Sorry, it just. Oh, just we tried to fill the
gaps. It just reminded me of a song

(36:14):
that I really like by 5 Finger Death Punch.
It's called Welcome to the Circus.
Have you ever heard the song? I'm sure I have.
Well, after this show, listen tothe song, go to your Spotify and
listen to Welcome to the Circus,right?
And click on the little microphone tab and read the
lyrics and you'll be like, that's exactly what he was
talking about. That's why he was like, because

(36:35):
I just, I'm sitting here and I'mthinking about the performance
and, and you know, you just saidthat we all kind of perform and
we do, we do. But just remind me that show or
that song, as soon as you start reading the lyrics, you'll be
like that son of a gun. Yeah, you guys, if you don't
know the song, I love that song.I do sometimes I'll play it 3 or

(36:55):
4 times in a row. But yeah, we do fragment and we
do self abandoned and we and andthen we try to create this
costume of perfectionism, this mask of perfectionism, which is
impossible, by the way. When you're doing that, you look
less perfect because perfect is not the default state of human
beings. None of us are perfect.
It's literally in every scripture.
It's literally in every ancient scroll and text by every ancient

(37:19):
story told by told around the fire, in the caves before fire.
We always never meant to be perfect.
And people go numb and they ignore their needs, which is
pretty tragic. But again, not because you're
weak, Michael, but because this was the only way to what?
To get love, to get get your needs met.

(37:39):
To stay safe, to to feel protected and yeah, so.
But I think one other thing I want to add to the separation is
this ties into all three pillars, but especially
separation from the world. Because when we start to have
these shame based identity and we start to be not feel adequate
in the world, we start to separate from everything going

(38:01):
on in the world. We start to separate from family
activities. We start to separate from
understanding what's going on inthe world, trying new things,
expanding our horizons. It it's so detrimental to our
our being because we are creatures of expansion.
A couple of things come to mind.Separation of the world, and
this one could probably go separation from others too, a

(38:22):
little bit. But I don't fit into this family
or I don't fit into this cultureor society.
That might not be a bad thing. You might be a healer.
You might be the one that's there to shatter the illusion,
right? But you kind of get this feeling
that everybody else got got the manual, the life manual, except
for me. I must have been absent.

(38:43):
You heard, you heard that phrase.
I must have been absent when they were handing out this or
what that or whatever. It really does feel like
everybody else has all of their shit together except for you,
and then you isolate from them because, well, they all know
what they're doing. They all have it together.
And no, we don't. No, we don't.
Most of us are just faking it too.

(39:05):
This goes back to the half measure show, you know, fate.
Faking it to stay safe is not a good long term solution.
Just trust me, I say that. And this feeling is very common
even for us, even for the luminar, even for even for the
wisest sage that ever walked thepath of light, Right.
That gifted child, the intuitiveone, the sensitive one, all

(39:26):
those people were misunderstood or labeled as my least favorite
phrase of all modern times. Being too much, you just, you're
just being so extra, right? Or too emotional or too
different, if there is such a thing, if there even is such a
thing as being too different. My kids were all goofy, but I
never thought they were too different.
And I actually, I actually celebrated that because guess

(39:48):
what? They got that crap from me, so,
you know, and a little bit from her.
But I think all the goofy stuff came from me, you know,
Heather's got it together a little better in the goofy
department than I do, so. And I was, you know, I always
remind him there's nothing wrongwith you, man.
You're just like me. And that makes me proud.

(40:09):
Oh yeah. You know, because, because for a
lot of people, and this is true for me, no matter what was going
on in my life, something triggerthat early awakening in me and
it made my life hell and it still makes my life hell
sometimes. But that was a blessing.
Make no mistake, that was a blessing.
I'm grateful to have been lucky to have that insight so early on

(40:33):
because I didn't have to start this work in my 50s.
Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I just think it was
better for me. So you're not too broken.
You're not too different. You're not too, too extra.
Well, it takes me that like quote, like when you pray to God
for strength, he's going to giveyou challenges, right?
Yeah, yeah, I must. Yeah, I think some of us prayed

(40:56):
a lot when we were younger. You came out the womb.
Yep. Hey, man, this is pretty easy.
Can you can you turn up the turnup the difficulty level?
It's like playing, it's like playing a really hard video
game. It's, it's like playing Souls on
super hard level, you know, goodluck, you know?
So then we dive into it. So let's let's see if we got

(41:16):
anything else we can add to shame, which I think again, we
could do a whole episode on shame.
Yeah. But it's we've.
Probably done a lot of half episodes on shame.
We talk about it all the time where you should never be shame.
There is no shame here and thereis no blame.
There's this book I read. Only presence, no perfection.
Amen to back. Yeah.
I bring it up often. There was a book I read, and

(41:36):
it's one of my favorite books called Healing the Shame That
Binds You, and it talks about how behind every negative
emotion is shame. Yeah.
And I truly believe there's truth to that.
When there's anger, there's shame hiding underneath it.
When there's jealousy, there's shame hiding underneath it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's interesting.

(41:58):
We're talking about shame. I was just just recently talking
with someone who, you know, we were talking about shame a
little bit, and they had said that, well, shame is shame, a
little bit of shame is good because then you find, you know,
accountability. No, that's guilt.
And sometimes, sometimes we should be guilty if we did
something, if we really did something wrong, we should take

(42:19):
accountability. We should be responsible for our
actions and our words and our thoughts.
But guilt says I did something wrong and now I must atone or
now I must make amends or whatever the place the case is.
Shame will say something is wrong with me.
Those are the two big differencethere.
And no, you do not need shame tofind guilt.

(42:41):
That comes. Guilt comes in taking
accountability, but also don't guilt yourself to death that
that don't get ruminated into that.
But those are two very differentthings.
And that's something I wanted topoint out because shame is
really that that wound that convinces us that we are somehow
defective or, or stained or ruined or unlovable.

(43:03):
And that leads us into the otherpillar.
Eventually too much shame leads us into that guarded heart or
fear. So where we start to build walls
with no windows, you know, you know, and what and, and what do
we build here? Bridges.
We don't build walls. We build bridges with our
stones. That's what we try to do anyway.
So and because we, you know, if someone really, if someone

(43:25):
really saw me, seeing the real me, they would they would run
away from me. No, I'll grab your.
Ain't that the internalized belief right they?
Go bear hug. That's what I would do, you
know, ask Heather. Popped her back lots of times
when she tried to get away from me.
Well, I think that's what a lot of people feel is that I really
am seeing for who I am. Then I can't be loved because no

(43:47):
one's going to appreciate who I am on the inside.
I'm going to be too much. I won't love you anymore or any
less because of those conditions, because I love you
unconditionally, right? But if I had my choice, I would
prefer you be yourself, you know, If I had the preference,
you know, it doesn't change how much I love you, doesn't change

(44:08):
how I see you. It may change how I sit with
you. It may change how I you know, I
might be more careful and more mindful when I'm with you, but
doesn't make me love you anymoreany less.
I prefer you to be authentic as often as possible.
But but you're right, we get stuck in this little, this
little, this rumination where it's like, no, that's not

(44:30):
possible. Justin's a liar.
He wouldn't love me if he knew exactly who I was, right?
You know. But that's not true.
Well, I think. There's a lot of comparison too,
huh? Oh my God, yes.
Well, again, kind of like we were talking about how on the
outside we think everyone's got it all figured out, but in the
end it's the truth is we're all just trying to get by the same

(44:52):
amount. Like we're fighting many of the
same battles even. Little Timmy gets A's all the
time. How come you only get C's?
What a disgrace. You know.
Where where we were constantly compared to others and I don't
think I ever had to go through that.
I know Heather, did. I know you?
You probably did. I don't remember having to go
through that, but I I understandhow detrimental that is.

(45:12):
Well, it's like I, I, Jordan Peterson, I love how he phrases
this. And it's like with kids, you got
to have the, you got to set the bar at the lowest point
possible. And again, I, I did go through
it as a kid. My dad was always like, you need
to get straight A's. This is going to be important
for your future. And I was, I was barely getting
by with C's And that high bar was just like, I'm not, I'm not
going to do that. And I would end up just feeling

(45:33):
so defeated because it was just so out of reach.
You got to lower the bar to what's the next step?
What's the next best thing? C Pluses.
Yeah, yeah, I, I, I struggled inthe school the whole time.
And it's not because I'm not smart.
It's just because that environment wasn't built for

(45:54):
someone like me. It's just the way it is.
You know, I, I had to struggle and, and work twice as hard to
get OK grades. You know, seeds were a blessing
because I just struggled to exist in that environment.
It wasn't that I had bad teachers.
It wasn't that I had bad parentsin that regard.
You know, they, they wanted me to succeed.
They wanted me to do the best I could.

(46:16):
They wanted me to, you know, because we all get, we all get
sold on the bill of goods that that paper is the most important
thing ever. And it's actually not that
important. I've never once I just turned.
Should I, should I tell them howold I am?
I just turned an old age recently. 35. 45 Yeah, yeah.
I just turned 45 and only one time my entire professional life

(46:40):
did somebody ever ask me for anykind of diplomas or proof of
schooling. And that was the Army, right?
Nobody else. Literally nobody else.
And, and, and, and I've worked, I've worked in positions that
required college degrees and no one's ever asked me.
So, you know, it wasn't that important.
But we're all sold that bill of goods and, and we push and we,

(47:01):
we encourage our kids and our siblings and our partners to do
that, to go all out and do the best they can.
But what we're talking about here is when the best you can
really isn't true because you'resupposed to be up here.
And if your best is down here, it's not good enough.
That's what causes some of theseproblems.
So, you know, but what I want totouch on, something we didn't

(47:22):
touch on earlier as far as the second pillar of shame is what
kind of mask does this force us to create?
And we've talked about these masks in in many of the
different episodes. Compensating masks is what I
think of. I mean, it's just almost every
mask we have is something to hide, something we feel shame
about. You know, if you're always the
people pleaser, it's because youdon't want to be seen as

(47:43):
useless. Right, the helper.
Yeah, the helper mask. Or not enough.
Yeah, yeah. If there's someone who gets
angry all the time, it's becauseyou don't want to be seen as
weak. Right, Right.
The the one who doesn't need anyone Mask.
Yeah, I got this. I've had this.
I've only had this by myself. So what do I need you for?
I don't need you. Which is untrue.

(48:05):
Which ties right back into the parts work.
It's this protector part trying to protect the other side of it.
Right. Well, yeah, because someone has
to be the strong one or the funny one or the quiet one.
And these are all just kind of and some people are
authentically strong and some people are authentically funny
and some people are authentically quiet.
But that's not what we're talking about.
We're talking about when when people who are putting masks

(48:25):
over their authenticity, becauseyou don't always have to be the
strong one. You don't always have to be
funny. You don't always.
You shouldn't always be quiet because sometimes you need to
stand on business, right? Sometimes you got to stand up
for yourself. And, and if you wear that mask,
you can't and you just deal withit.
And you know, it's not that you're some kind of liar if
you're wearing masks and performing, it's that you're
trying to survive. These are strategies that you

(48:46):
created. Yeah, 100%.
How does shame shame sustain loneliness?
How does it? How does it fuel that fire?
Well, it's the it's the afraid of, it's the fear of
vulnerability. It's how we don't want to get
close to other people because again, if we're seen for who we
truly are, then they're going toget away from us as fast as they
can. It is this feeling that we are

(49:08):
inadequate and that we don't want others to see that
inadequacy. It's a self fulfilling prophecy,
isn't it? Yeah, ain't it the truth,
though? It is.
It is, it is. And at the root, you know, it's,
it's the same, the same kind of block that stops us from
abundance. It's the same the kind of block
that stops us from connection and love.

(49:29):
And even though connection and love are defaults in this
universe that we exist in all the way from the very singular
point of creation all the way till right now, and for as long
as this universe exists, long after this moment, love and
connection are defaults. They are defaults of this
universe. But we fulfill this prophecy

(49:49):
that we're not going to have those things, which is, which is
devastating. Why does vulnerability feel so
damn dangerous though? I think it's because the few
times we were vulnerable in our youth relationships, we've met,
we're met with rejection, betrayal, with abandonment.
And I think that's really at thecore.
Again, our body gives us memories, not what's really

(50:11):
going on. And it's the memories in our
body being flared up trying to recreate that, recreate the
situation, but to prevent us from that same situation
happening. Yeah.
And the reason that we say no shame and no blame here, and no
shame because it is a, it is a distortion of our sacred ethos
of love, connection, truth, integrity, and, and even the

(50:34):
sanctity of life, because it's abelief that is exists that I'm
never, I'm never worthy of any of these things.
And that's not true because justbecause you're wounded and just
because you have a trauma doesn't mean you can erase the
truth. These things are true.
Love, connection, truth, integrity, sanctity of life.
These are facts. These are truths of the universe

(50:57):
because none of us were created in error.
We were all created in with intention and we we have all
these things in us from our moments of creation.
So and really, really, it's a big violation of, of connection
and love because it convinces usthat that, that, that at the
divine level, divine thread thatbinds all things somehow missed

(51:18):
us. We're just somehow separated
from that which is crazy, crazy talk, crazy talk.
You belong to me. Every single one of you belong
to me and I belong to you. We all belong to each other,
even especially when we're annoying each other especially.
That's how you really know. That's how you really know that
we're that we're connected down to the marrow.

(51:39):
When it's just like man, when we're able to remove these
barriers, this armor, when we'reable to lay ourselves bare to
those who are in our circle, it is the most liberating thing to
be seen for who we truly are. I had one of my closest friends
open up about something in his past that he's never told anyone
about. And he had been carrying that
like a weight of like a boulder on his back and just being able

(52:02):
to get that off his chest. I've been seeing the change in
him. All of a sudden he doesn't feel
like he's the only person in theworld with this problem or that
he that he's broken for having this situation in his life.
And it's just when we're able tobe vulnerable with those we
trust that we care about, we're able to be seen for her

(52:22):
humanity, which there's nothing more powerful than that.
Yeah, yeah. Did we miss anything on the
third pillar? Fear.
I just want to point out that I've that I've always pointed
out fear is no consort or ally to anyone, to any divinity, to
any. You're mistaken.
Caution for fear. Caution truly keeps us safe.
Fear keeps us frozen, stagnant, unable to grow.

(52:46):
So don't don't confuse caution with fear, because the kind of
fear we're talking about limits you, shrinks you, encapsulates
you in a prison, and it really robs you of a good life.
It really does though. I mean, one of the things with
fear is it starts with a whisperand then at the voice.
The more you listen to it, the more you hold back, the more you

(53:07):
resist taking that action, doingthat thing, the more the voice
gets louder and louder until youthink it's your own.
Yeah, yeah. You know, and again, a lot of
the a lot of these things that we choose when we're stuck in
this pillar, you know, we stay overly busy all the time or we
don't allow relationships to go any deeper than that surface
level or we find ways to numb ourselves emotionally like drugs

(53:29):
and alcohol is a pretty easy oneto do that.
Yeah, well, and it just perpetuates itself because, I
mean, when we don't take the actions, when we know that fear
is holding us back, it amplifieswithin us and makes us feel
smaller and smaller. I I I've seen a few people who
are just so trapped within the confines of their minds because

(53:51):
they let this fear, this comfortshrinking around them.
And it'll just take these littleactions because that's what it
takes. It's not about the big leaps.
If you're afraid of heights, don't go skydiving for the first
time. Build yourself up.
Jump on a trampoline or something.
Yeah. Or go go to Top Golf and and
realize that people fall off that thing and fall into the
net. That'll cure that.

(54:11):
Yeah, because exposure to every one of the things we talked
about in the book, exposure therapy, it can be beneficial.
Do you have to have both parts online for it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't have your friend shove you
off a Cliff into the ocean. You probably won't die, but you
will never ever trust them again.
Yeah. You know, Yep, you're cured.
What was those? I'm trying to remember what that

(54:32):
I think it was Mori Povich was it Mori that used to bring out
like they would have people likescared of toilet paper or
something and they would just shower them with toilet paper
and the people would freak out and.
Oh yeah, I know what? You're talking about Yeah, yeah,
yeah. Or they bring out a big spider
or a crocodile or something. Not a good way to help people
through that, I don't think Anyway, because, you know, I'm
not fond of spiders. So if you blindfolded me and

(54:55):
stuck a tarantula on my head, not always that spider probably
going to get hurt, but everybodyin that room that I can get my
hands on, slight pressure, you know, like popping my finger.
Nice. Or Geraldo, Maybe it's Geraldo.
I don't remember, man. I'm showing I'm really now
people know I'm older than 45. I'm talking about people that

(55:16):
like back in the day. But I used to watch those shows
ago, man. They are creating psychopaths
with doing this crap to people, man.
Like you're messing them up. Seriously, you know, you know,
maybe if you're scared of spiders like like like this
something I do like I and I'm not hyper scared of spiders.
Like if I see one, I'll try to get it out of the house or
something, But if it's like a deadly one, then I take more

(55:39):
drastic measures. Sorry, it's just it is what it
is. I got to be honest with you, you
know, but but what I like to do when I go to zoos or or
aquariums and stuff, I'll go right up to the glass where the
big spiders are. I'll go right up to the glass
dude and touch the glass and I'll make myself just imagine
that it's like coming up and giving me little spider kisses
on my fingertips. Because if you put that thing on

(56:01):
me in real life, like outside the glass, I'm, I'm losing it.
I'm not ready for that. So, you know, that kind of
stuff, I guess could be good, but only under the, the, the
supervision of a professional who will help you get through
the steps. Don't, yeah, don't go skydiving
if you're scared of heights, man.

(56:21):
You know, you're going to createall kinds of different traumas
after that and probably a lot ofPTSD or something, nightmares
about it. But you know, it's funny, the
one thing I, and I'll say I didn't take issue with, but to
me, fear, not only being a pillar here, which is why for
me, I kind of renamed it, you know, a guardian of the heart,

(56:42):
because to me, fear seems like the foundation for all of these,
right? It's, it's not just a pillar.
It's like, it's like the foundation that these pillars
rest on. And I'll give you a few
examples. So when fear says I don't want
to get hurt, that's that's a behavior of withdrawing or
avoiding closeness or I can't trust anyone that's really hyper

(57:02):
independence OR I'm too extra, I'm too much or on the other
end, I'm not enough. That leads to people pleasing or
silence. So my point is like all these
behaviors which are, which are found in all three of these
pillars, right? Not just one or two, they're
found throughout here. To me, fear is more
foundational, which is why when I teach the astral philosophy

(57:25):
and the practice and path of Ashla, fear is included in all
of those lessons, aren't they? In one way or the other.
Most definitely. I mean, I never thought about it
as the foundational piece because I think each one
intertwines with each other. But fear truly is at the heart
of almost all of our trauma. When we look at what drives the
nervous system, it's all fear. Based Master Thompson always

(57:49):
taught that fear was the first he believed that fear was the
first first feeling in the firstfirst push when humans first met
the divine. He believes it's fear because
fear propels us, right. But that's a really slippery and
and and he even says as much in his teachings.
We ought to do a do a series. I'll probably do a series on the

(58:12):
On the Temple podcast when we get that going, and we'll
probably do a series on his teachings really good.
But he talks about fear is almost being that, you know,
that picture where God's touching Adam and that the
fingertips right from his perspective, that first touch
was fear to motivate, to push, to get Adam moving.
But fear is a very slippery thing.
And I don't believe fear is a good feel to use along your path

(58:38):
because it leads to a lot of negative consequences.
Damian And we can get into that some other time because it's a
really deep, deep ideal. In other words, that's it's an
ideal that really requires a lotof attention and time devoted to
it. And you got me thinking with
that. Well, you know, I mean, and
yeah, the way he gets into it, well, I'll share with you.

(59:00):
I'll share with you a small partof that just so we don't get too
far off off of, but give me justa second.
Oh, you're good. He's very long winded like I am,
I must admit. Okay, so his scratch all that in
Derrick teachings, he talks about before these or these kind
of constructs that we see manifest in the universe, there

(59:22):
was a great force of energy withthe power to command both action
and contemplation. And he calls this force of
energy, or he says that this force of energy was conductive
with human spirituality, human philosophy, and most
importantly, our behavior. Human behavior, a force strong
enough that when aligned can transfer, resist, attract,

(59:43):
absorb, convert and reflect to produce a psychological,
philosophical and or a physical reality based on its
relationships with objects, environments and entities.
A force of energy. Theologians, philosophers and
scientists agree that exist in today in various incarnations of
reality through the notions and concepts of human nature and

(01:00:04):
these are all as they relate to life force energy, he says.
Today we see this energy manifested and employed in
virtually every aspect of our lives.
And like other forms of energy such as potential, kinetic and
life force, it adapts to the newconstructs and dynamics.
For this ancient force of energyis fear and it knows no boundary
or border, which is true. Doesn't make it good though,

(01:00:28):
right? And he goes on to say fear may
may not be as dispassionate and detached.
Behavior and conduct and habit and practice, ritual and
tradition are greatly influenced, if not directly
governed by a fear of something.I mean, he's going real deep on
this, but he, he really, he really believes in his teachings
that if the first sensation. And he's kind of asking the

(01:00:51):
question here, old Derek, old Master Thompson's a philosopher
at heart, right? And he's a good philosopher.
He asks lots of questions. He's contemplating here.
If the first sensation that all living things experience was
fear. And that was through either the
process of evolution and consciousness, it became
powerful enough though to manifest into an autonomous

(01:01:12):
reality able to facilitate and, or govern the instincts of
survival and continuation. Then the connection between
human nature and life force energy is firm.
And between that connection he, he believes is fear.
And he talks about and, and, and, and we could do a whole
show about this really, it wouldbe a good one.
But he talks about that fear hasalways been there.

(01:01:34):
Basically, we were talking abouthow love and connection are
literal creative forces of the universe, of all of creation,
like it underlies every aspect of creation.
He believes that within there, and maybe to balance this stuff
out, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, right?
It's fear. But we got to be careful to

(01:01:55):
confuse caution and fear becausea night is cautious, but a night
should never be fearful. You know, at least at least not
at least not allowing fear to control.
Right, which is, I think the biggest issue with fear is when
fear spreads like it does through the system, I mean, it

(01:02:15):
does take hold. It directs our motives, our
actions. It's the thing that perpetuates
these masks. The more the fear latches on to
us, the more we let it seek intoour bones, the harder it is to
act. Yeah, yeah.
It's a poison that paralyzes, man.
It does. It's like getting bit by a snake
that paralyzes you and you're stuck and you can't move.

(01:02:37):
But here comes the light at the end of the tunnel.
Because although old Teal Swan gave us all this heavy, heavy
stuff, she did put a doorway to connection, didn't she?
Teaches us how to how to walk through that and how to heal.
And she says we should heal through connection, right?

(01:02:58):
Yeah, which is the truth. It's one of those things where
we have to untrain our nervous systems, untrain our bodies to
connection. And this doesn't mean just
having a few people that you have those service level
connections. It means developing those deep,
true connections where you can be yourself, where you can be
vulnerable, where you can be seen.
So this gets us into parts work.This is where the connection

(01:03:19):
begins. That's what she tells us, that
we got to start doing the parts work, right?
Yeah. This is where it takes them
together. Yeah.
I mean, it's working with the inner child and these disowned
versions of ourselves that we have to start creating
connection with communication with, figuring out what needs
they have. Because often the biggest issue

(01:03:40):
between the the protector part and the part that's hidden away
is a miscommunication on needs. Yeah.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Are you saying that we should not exile these parts of us?
Never. But we're not here to.
We're not here to. Nope, just like you say, we got
to integrate them. Got to integrate them because

(01:04:02):
they are US. They are part of us.
They're not us in totality, but they are part of us.
They help they help make us whole.
And the reason we feel this way and feel a lot of this is
because we're not whole. We're we are, we are separated
and, and and you know, I don't, I don't, you know, I always say
I hate the word broken and I don't like the word shattered.
But we are segmented. We're kind of segmented away

(01:04:24):
from parts of us. And we got to, we got to bring
them back home. We got to bring them into the
fold, right. Yeah.
And. Then one of her other books, The
Connection Process, it talks about these parts, the way that,
that the way these parts form isit's these little traumatic
moments where our, our mind, ourpsychology splits.
And it's again, it's how we had to cope.
So for me, it was when I had to stand up to my sister and then

(01:04:48):
my dad's like, no, don't do that.
Take the High Road. It's not worth it.
And I had to, my mind fractured where it was like, all right, I
need to, I need to take the HighRoad.
I cannot express anger or stand my ground for my belongings.
And it was this divided my psyche.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We, we need to reconcile with

(01:05:08):
these parts of ourselves. These parts are hurting just as
much as we are. We need to, we need to sit with
them. We need to integrate and we need
to reconcile. We need to offer forgiveness and
accept forgiveness from our shadow parts because they long
our shadows long to be whole with us too.
They want to belong to us just as much as we want to belong to
everything else and everyone else, right?
We got to remember this. We got to remember this.

(01:05:31):
And you know, I, I, I always saywe build bridges and not walls
here, right? And one of those things is it is
finding authenticity. And that that is that that is
the bridge to real bonding. Because loneliness cannot be
cured with magic pills, with affirmations alone, with
visualizations, with voodoo dolls.
None of that stuff. That stuff may help you in some

(01:05:53):
way or the other perhaps, but none of them are magic pills.
And it can't be cured through performance or the mass or
forcing ourselves to fit in right?
So people will like us. Yeah.
I mean, I truly believe authenticity is the highest
vibration. When we can be authentic, we
become magnetic and we can learnto truly flow in the world as

(01:06:16):
ourselves. There is nothing more powerful.
Yeah, Yeah. We we, you resonate with that
which is yours when you what you're putting out there, man
comes back, right. We all, we all kind of believe
this in, in one way or the other.
So yeah, we got to be authentic.Another important.
The the only true connection you'll find is with another
authentic person on that level. Otherwise it's just kind of meh,

(01:06:41):
just kind of whatever. You know well, and that's when
when we again, we can only meet people as deeply as they met
themselves. But the more you get into this
world of healing, the more you create these connections with
people at your level, the more you start to cultivate these
deeper relationships, these commutative relationships.
And it doesn't mean that the other type of relationships in

(01:07:02):
your life are going to the wayside.
You know, one of the most important things you can do is
Start learning to express your needs or going to where repair
needs to happen. You know, a lot of the times we
have things hidden in the shadowbecause we had a rupture in a
relationship and we haven't reached out to make amends or
make peace with the situation. Yes, understand that it's it's
it's important. Wisdom demands say that again,

(01:07:26):
Michael, Wisdom demands that we ask wisdom demands that we ask
for these moments to repair, right.
Hey, man, I feel like you've been kind of distant from me.
Can we talk about that or we talk about reassurance all the
time on the show. You know, when you need
reassurance, you need to you need to let me know.

(01:07:46):
Not going to invade your mind and try to read it.
And when, when, when harm occursbetween between US and
relationships. And it will.
And it will care how long you'vebeen together and how perfect
you think your relationship is. Harm will happen.
For like 10 minutes for maybe. Harm will happen and and now

(01:08:07):
healing comes through that. Repair not retreat.
Repair not retreat. Can we say things like can't?
Can we try again? Can we try this again?
Maybe not right now, but can we try this conversation again
later? Or.
I really want to understand where you're coming from.
So can you repeat that and maybesay it in a different way?
You know, like if you came to me, if, let's say, if you gave

(01:08:29):
me a show idea and I was like, that's, that's not, I ain't
doing that, that's dumb, right? And that, that hurts you.
And now you you need to talk to me about it, you know, and and
now there's a rupture. And you would say to me, Hey, I
I really need to talk to you about about your reaction to

(01:08:50):
that ideal ahead. And if we were working through
it and we just weren't connecting, then I would need to
say to you, hey, listen, I really want to understand where
you're coming from. This obviously means a lot to
you, right? I want to understand you.
Can you please help me understand you?
Maybe you, can you say this in adifferent way where I, because I

(01:09:11):
I'm just not, I'm having troubleconnecting to you.
Yeah. Well, it's one of the things
that makes this connection so great.
Again, those deeper levels, we're able to ask for that
clarification. We're able to speak our minds
and our needs. Yes.
Which is vital. So as we come to the end of the
show, I, I have some closing thoughts for you before you
before you ride us off into the sunset.

(01:09:32):
Sounds good. So again, loneliness is not a
flaw like our emotions. It's a signal if anything, if
you look at it as something trying to get your attention or
a lesson or a teacher. But really, most time, at least
for me, it feels more like a message, like, hey, hey, I need
your attention for a second, right?
That's somewhere within us, a part of us has fallen out of

(01:09:54):
connection with the whole, with the rest of us, right?
And we talked about these three pillars that Teal Swan
identified, separation, shame and fear.
But loneliness does not mean we're broken.
And for us at Ashla, it is. It is the call.
It is a call of the exiled self,if you will, tapping us on the

(01:10:15):
shoulder, saying, I'm, I want tocome back and I want you with
me. You know, I want to be welcomed.
And every step toward that, every step toward connection
with another or with yourself, is it 1 small step out of that
illusion. Because isolation doesn't have
to be real. You know, we're not talking
about what's his name with the, with the volleyball Wilson,

(01:10:36):
right? Yeah, right.
That was isolation. That's actual isolation.
My dude had it bad. But the kind of isolation we're
talking about today in regards to loneliness is that This Is Us
kind of just being disconnected,not literally being isolated.
So the axiom approach, understanding with light and
darkness will get never gain purchase because when we when we

(01:10:58):
learn to approach this state of being with truth, with love,
with connection with light, instead of running from it or
trying to bury it down, the morewe do that, the, the, the the
less it can no longer dominate us.
Our shadows doesn't they don't encompass us.
We're now in the light. This week, I want you guys to

(01:11:19):
choose one small act of reconnection.
If you are going through this. And even if you're not going
through this, it's, it's good topractice, right?
So to, to talk to yourself and this may, this may feel silly,
but just just go with me here, place your hand over your heart
and speak out loud. I will not abandon you again.

(01:11:41):
You are safe with me, right? And if you need to whisper it
because you're nervous, then go ahead.
I don't care, but just do it. But you don't have to say it out
loud. You don't have to scream it from
the rooftops unless you do. If you do, more power to your
brother and sister. Another thing I want you to try
and do today. If you are feeling kind of

(01:12:01):
disconnected from people, I wantyou to send a message to someone
you care about. Just one message and don't make
it make it all weird. It's just really simple thing.
Hey man, I was thinking about you.
I'm really grateful for you. I do this to Michael all the
time and Michael does this for me all the time.
I make sure that before I ever ask him for anything because him
and I, we need stuff from each other to make this thing work,
just this thing, let alone all the other hundred things that we

(01:12:24):
have going on together, right? But before I, before I ask him,
hey, hey bro, where's the show notes for today?
I always make sure, hey man, I was thinking about you.
I hope you're having a great dayor a great week or a great
whatever. I really appreciate all that you
do for us. And then every time and then and
then a lot of times I'll wait for him to respond and then I'll

(01:12:44):
say, hey, by the way, when you get a chance.
I didn't see the show notes right or something, but send
send a message to someone you care about.
Just just a little quick thing. Hey man, you crossed my mind
today. Hey man, I was just thinking
about you. Hope you're doing great.
Another one I want you to try and do is connect with creation.
I want you to spend at least 5 minutes in silence outside if
you can, and breathe. Just breathe with nature,

(01:13:07):
breathe with the world, breathe with the birds, breathe doesn't.
It could be night, it could be day, doesn't matter.
Whatever suits you. And of course, I know Michael's
going to give you journaling prompts, but I have to sneak one
in here because you know how much I love doing that.
Of course I want you to. I want you to journal on this
prompt. This is my call of action to
you. Which part of me feels most
alone? And what does it need from me

(01:13:28):
now? And contemplate on this, Stew on
that Right about that. Don't judge it, just right about
it. And I'll just say, if you're
feeling lonely, you're not failing in anything, you're
fine. But what you're doing is you're
reaffirming that truth that we were made and built for
connection. That's all you're doing.
You're not a mistake. You're not too much, you're not
too extra as my daughters say, you're not too little.

(01:13:51):
You are you. You're just, you're just a being
learning how to return to itself.
So as you heal, just remember you become a living reminder for
others. And that's what I'm going to
leave you with today. That's some sagely wisdom right
there, are you? Trying to get me to grow that
nasty beard I had. The one was all like.
I believe in you for affirmations.

(01:14:12):
Today, every part of me deservesto be seen, heard, and welcomed
back home. There is nothing wrong with me.
My emotions are messengers, not flaws.
Connection becomes easier when Iallow myself to be authentic.
I am no longer abandoning the parts of myself there were once
left alone. Kind of mirrored some of what
you had right there. It's OK.

(01:14:33):
It's important, it's so important.
It is. As I choose connection over
fear, loneliness loses its power.
For our journaling prompts today, what part of me feels the
most alone right now? And what does this part need
from me? I for the record, I did not read
that far into the notes, so yeah, yeah.

(01:14:56):
We're on the same wavelength, that's all it.
Is synchronicity. That means you definitely have
to do it. You got to do it twice now.
Then right? What do I believe is wrong with
me and where did this belief come from?
Almost always you'll find it from something external of your
life. It's that hidden voice within
you that screams when you go outof your comfort zone.

(01:15:18):
What fear is keeping me from letting myself to be fully seen
in relationships? What is it that you're shoving
down or you don't want anyone toknow about you?
Thank you so much for joining ustoday.
I hope you gained a little bit of wisdom when it comes to
loneliness and definitely check out this book The Anatomy of
Loneliness by Teal Swan. It is a must read.
Also please check out our website newashland.com and our

(01:15:41):
YouTube channel Spotify, We're everywhere, TikTok, Instagram.
Give us some comments. Let us know what you want to
hear about. With love and gratitude at
Lucian. At Lucian.