October 10, 2025 • 25 mins
We share how non‑doula support—partners, friends, and family—can steady the room, shorten labor, and raise confidence through simple, human tools. Presence beats perfection as we lay out physical comfort, emotional grounding, and clean advocacy in plain language.
• why continuous support changes labor outcomes
• roles any trusted person can play at birth
• physical tools such as counterpressure, knee press, position changes
• small resets including sips of cold water and cool washcloths
• emotional steadiness through breath, words, and eye contact
• advocacy by asking clear questions and naming preferences
• what not to do, from phones to arguing
• how to prepare: practice at home, pack well, plan backup
• personal stories that show what effective support looks like
• a reminder that presence matters more than perfection
Make a human connection today—reach out to someone and make somebody else feel a little bit better today
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Show Credits
Host: Angie Rosier
Music: Michael Hicks
Photographer: Toni Walker
Episode Artwork: Nick Greenwood
Producer: Gillian Rosier Frampton
Voiceover: Ryan Parker
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:10):
Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with
Angie Rosier, hosted by BirthLearning, where we help prepare
folks for labor and birth withexpertise coming from 20 years
of experience in a busy doulapractice, helping thousands of
people prepare for labor,providing essential knowledge
and tools for positive andempowering birth experiences.
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Those who work with doulas, those who don't, those
who can afford a doula, thosewho can't, those who are doulas,
those who are not.
But we kind of just want toshare experience and expertise
with those who could who areinterested, basically.
So the topic for today kind ofleads to I'm gonna take the
doula out of it actually.
(01:28):
And if we have a situation wherethere is no doula, that's kind
of what we're gonna talk about,what support people um can do.
So we're gonna talk about one ofthe most powerful tools in the
birthing room, and it's notmedical equipment, it's not even
a special technique, it is justhuman support.
So, and I'm I'm gonna take againthe doula piece out of that.
(01:50):
This would be partner support orum spouse support or whoever it
is is your main um birthingsupport person.
So when someone's in labor, thepeople around her can make such
a huge difference in how umshe's experiencing birth,
whether it's a husband, apartner, a mom, a sister, a
friend, um, your presence, yourwords, your hands, your energy,
(02:12):
um, your calm demeanor can beincredibly grounding and
empowering for the laboringperson.
So we're gonna explore what whysupport matters so much, what
that could look like in realtime in real life, and some
simple ways that you can stepinto that role with confidence,
(02:32):
even though you may have neverdone it before or you haven't
been to a birth.
If you're a dad to be a bestfriend, a sister who's been
asked to be there, um, we wantto give some practical tools
today to just help you besuccessful and be the confident
anchor that might be needed.
So let's dive into what we cando to help the laboring person
feel seen, safe, strong, um, andsupported during childbirth.
(02:57):
So support matters, right?
The role of of uh, and when youlook at support, there's
emotional support, there'sphysical support, there's um
just presence being presentsupport, there's informational
support.
Um, so provide with emotionalconnection is huge, right?
Breath writing, reassurance,presence, your just your
(03:19):
presence helps reduce fear.
Um, evidence shows us that whensomeone feels supported, and
that kind of feels different,maybe for different people,
labors can be shorter, um,there's less need for
interventions, satisfaction ofthe birth experience is greater,
and support does not have to beperfect, right?
Like presence is key,willingness, um, willingness and
(03:43):
appropriate presence is muchmore important than perfection
and then expertise, right?
Um, there's different kinds ofsupport people.
We've got uh very commonly it'sa spouse or a boyfriend.
We've also got maybe um a lot ofpeople have female companions, a
mom, a sister, a friend might besomeone they've chosen to help
(04:05):
support them through thisexperience.
Um maybe you've, you know,you've been a mom or sister, a
friend at other births.
Maybe you've had the opportunityto have babies yourself.
Um, could be just like a bestfriend, maybe who has or has not
had children.
And we're gonna kind of leavedoulas.
We're gonna leave theprofessional support people out
of this conversation.
And um, because there's lots ofpeople, only about four to six
(04:29):
percent of births in the UnitedStates are attended by
professional support people.
So that's a lot of birthshappening out there that don't
have either the awareness.
Um, a lot of times it's not themeans, right?
The financial means to have adoula.
Um, so we're gonna talk abouteveryone else and how they can
offer that support.
Um, anyone who's trusted andchosen by the birthing person
(04:53):
can be that support, can be apositive role.
So here's some practical ways tohelp during the labor process.
A lot of it is physical support,and physical support is done
with your body a lot of times.
Um, and you're supporting theirbody in some way.
This could include touch.
Like there's a I sometimes Icome back from a birth and I've
(05:14):
done a lot of touching, right?
Um, so be prepared to touch.
That includes massage, that canbe counterpressure, and
sometimes massage is prettyfirm.
Sometimes it can be light touchmassage.
We'll talk about how to knowwhat you want to use.
It can be just simply holdinghands, um, it can be stroking
someone's hair, it can be kneepress, um, but helping someone
(05:36):
change positions, like remindingthem to change positions,
checking in, are theycomfortable in this position?
How is this working for you?
Is there anything you want tochange?
Like check in often, beobservant, be very observant
about the physical surroundings,what's around us, what can we
use?
Um, right in there in theposition that they're in,
wherever they are.
Um, maybe they need a littlesupport under their foot or they
(05:58):
need to shift a little bit inthe bed.
So kind of be observant to umthe physical physicality and the
physical space they're in.
Offer water.
That's a great little trick.
Just have a like a cold.
Um, usually it's cold, doesn'thave to be, but cold and
refreshing.
Um, it might have a sweetness toit, whether that's like some
electrolytes or um, you know,some something with a little
(06:20):
boost to it, have that and offerit frequently, especially during
active labor.
Taking little sips of cold,refreshing water or drink of
choice is kind of a resetbetween contractions.
Washcloths, cold washcloths, runthem under the water, fan them
in the air, put them in an icebucket or a bowl full of ice is
gonna be really handy.
That is a great little tool.
(06:41):
I have a whole episode on thefabulous washcloth if you want
to check that out.
Um, and and a physical supportcan also be your body acting as
a gatekeeper, kind of.
So for the person's space, likeminimize disruptions.
Um, speak up, be an advocate ifyou need to, when you need to.
Um, sometimes I'll place myself,you know, and you can do the
same.
I'll place my body in a placethat's open and um inclusive of
(07:04):
the birthing person.
If everybody else is standing, Imight sit so that somebody's on
their level.
There's little rolling stools orbirth balls in the room.
So get get on the level of thebirthing person.
Um sometimes I'll get right downthe floor, squatted on the
floor, and then, you know, be inthe bathroom with them, be near
them when they're on the toilet,but be physically present.
That adds to physical support aswell.
And then emotional support ishuge, right?
(07:27):
That can come in the form ofpresence.
Um, it can come from your wordsif you offer words of
encouragement.
Um, remind her that she iswhatever she wants to be
reminded about that might bestrong, um, reminded that she's
connected to her baby, remindher um she can do hard things,
remind her she's making goodprogress, remind her this is
(07:48):
normal.
Um, there's a and as you you'regonna know your person, right?
Like as you know your person,you'll know what to say to get
to them.
And also you being steady, beingsteady and calm, especially when
they're trying to focus.
Like sometimes labor takes agood bit of focus, which can be
eating up a lot of energy.
Um, so be that calming presencekind of.
(08:11):
You might not feel calm, butthey're gonna look to you for a
source of strength.
Breathe with them, do somebreathing.
I do lots of breathing withfolks.
I even push sometimes, like inmy body, I'll like do some good
ab engagement and pretend orhelp to push, but breathe
together.
You can get in sync, your rhythmcan get in sync with their body.
(08:32):
Um, eye contact.
Sometimes some of the mostchallenging and intense parts
when I've supported people inlabor, it is like some pretty
crazy eye contact where they arejust hanging on to the edge.
There's a uh look in their eye,right?
And and they can keep steadywith you as they're just looking
for something to grasp onto.
(08:53):
Proverbally, um, that eyecontact can be pretty, pretty
important.
So be that grounding presence.
Um, and sometimes you just reachout and and you're doing some
touch, you're doing um, maybewhen they're sleeping, you're
just touching them or resting,sleeping between contractions,
but being present will be a hugeform of emotional support.
And I'm talking about like fullypresent, right?
(09:16):
Don't be distracted, don't be onyour phone.
I cannot tell you how many timespeople in labor get pretty
snippy if they see their partneron their phone or something on
their computer, like, get offthat.
That's enough.
So be prepared.
And that can be your energy,right?
That's a lot of energy to can becompletely present, especially
if things get long um or you gettired or we're going overnight,
(09:38):
but the presence is huge.
It's very grounding.
And then the advocacy support.
So like you don't have to knoweverything, you don't have to
understand everything, but youcan ask clarifying questions.
So help communicate with medicalstaff, like when the laboring
woman wants you to, right?
If she's busy, if she's tired,if she's sleeping, um, maybe
(09:59):
she's not in a place where shecan have a full conversation
because she's pretty focused onwhat it is she's doing.
Um, ask those questions for herand remember her birth
preferences.
Like hopefully, this issomething you've gone over in
preparation time ahead of time.
If you're gonna be a supportperson, you need to know the
game plan, right?
So what is important to thisperson?
(10:19):
What what's what's kind of theirstrategy?
How are they gonna work throughlabor?
How do they want people helpingthem?
What are their tools?
What are their birth preferenceswhen it comes to um baby care
stuff, that immediate stuff?
Are we doing, you know, delayedcord clamping?
Are we doing skin to skin?
Especially at that time whenshe's so engaged in what she's
doing that she forgets anddoesn't care and doesn't know
(10:43):
what she wants at that point.
It's just hard to communicatethat.
It's not that it's no longerimportant to her, but it's very
difficult to communicate thosedesires when things are kind of
intense.
So remember the birthpreferences and speak out about
them.
Um ask those clarifyingquestions, slow down decision
making.
If mom looks overwhelmed orseems overwhelmed, very, very
(11:03):
rarely in childbirth do we needto rush into things?
Now, sometimes we really gottarush, right?
And you'll know about thosetimes, but um you can oftentimes
say, hey, is anyone in danger?
Is mom or baby in danger?
All right, can we talk aboutthis?
Can we ask a few questions aboutthis?
We want to come to understandthis.
Can you tell us what our otheroptions are?
If she doesn't want to do this,what else can she do?
(11:25):
That's my favorite thing.
Doulas provide is they know allthe answers to that, right?
So they know there's four orfive other things we could do or
try or whatever, but you can askthose.
Ask those of your nurse, of yourdoctor, whoever it is that is
helping you.
Um make sure that youunderstand, ask enough questions
so that you feel comfortablewith the information you have so
that you can help make thosedecisions and the birthing mom
(11:48):
can make those decisions.
So here's a little list of whatnot to do.
Um don't focus on your owndiscomfort.
I've had dads.
It's kind of cute.
And some of them have done it injest, like uh one particular
dad, he's like, uh, this is kindof boring.
How long is this gonna take?
And really, truly, there areparts of labor, long parts of
(12:09):
labor, that are incrediblyboring.
Um, and but but don't focus onyour own discomfort or gosh, I'm
hungry, gosh, I'm tired.
Like, don't you even dare saythat, right?
Put that aside.
Um, I guarantee you, and as Ihelp people at birth, no matter
how tired I am or whatever, I amnot working nearly as hard as
the person having the baby is.
Don't minimize your pain, right?
(12:30):
Like, um, by observing or sayingor thinking um or verbalizing,
like, yeah, this is not so bad.
Um, this doesn't look too bad.
Um like trust her and everythingthat she says and that she says
she feels.
If she says it's hard, it'shard.
Um, if she says she's okay, youknow, watch her for that.
(12:50):
Um, but you know, some people,even at early stages, might be
feeling more like they're inlate stages.
That happens unfortunately.
Um, but never, never minimizepain.
Don't disappear, right?
Like that's like whether youjust disappear emotionally or
you disappear, your presenceisn't really present.
(13:10):
That is incredibly um isolatingfor people.
If like somebody's sitting rightthere, but they're not really
there, they're on their phone,they're bored, they've fallen
asleep.
Like, um, and that's that's awhole nother thing is how to
take care of yourself becauseit's a lot of work.
I want you to be prepared to beworking pretty hard because to
be the sole support person, itis a bit of work.
Um, but be present again,presence is huge.
(13:32):
Avoid arguing or beingdistracted.
Don't argue with her for sure.
Um, don't argue with the staff.
That can um, you know, that justbrings strife into the space and
and be very uh make a team outof it, right?
Like make a team out of thestaff, invite them onto your
team, appreciate their teamworkwith you, um, and collaborate
with them, just collaborate withthem.
(13:53):
They are looking out for yourbest interests, we hope, right?
So um let them know that that'swhat you believe their job is
and and learn from them.
Learn from them as you work onthat together.
Um, avoid scrolling on yourphone.
That's a big one.
Video games.
I have been in hospital rooms,um, some hospitals I've worked
in, like as lactation, and we goin and this is also more in the
(14:16):
postpartum.
I've seen it in labor as well.
And a partner has brought in awhole gaming system and a TV to
go with it.
Sometimes a rather large um TVand maybe a friend, maybe a
friend to kind of go with that.
And in those long, boring daysor days after in postpartum, um,
they might just sit and playgames.
(14:38):
So uh if if if she's cool withthat, you know, just check in
real closely if she's gonna begood at that.
Um, another thing you can do isprepare ahead of time, like
before labor ever begins, learnsome stuff, right?
Knowledge is power, and the moreyou learn, the more you know.
Um, and that will be incrediblythat's an incredibly valuable
(14:59):
asset to have is knowledge.
You're not gonna know as much asthe nurses know, as much as the
doctor knows, but because youknow your person the best, you
are you can be the very bestsupport person for this
particular person in laborbecause you know and love them.
You got skin in the game becauseyou're supporting someone that
you love.
So attend childbirth classestogether, read books together.
(15:21):
Um, a lot of times we have thebirthing person who's prepared
incredibly well, they're readingall the books, they're doing
this stuff, and a partnerhasn't, they're coming along,
right?
Maybe they don't even go to allthe classes, um, they don't read
too many of the books, butinvest yourself then um ahead of
time.
I know it gets old talking aboutonly babies, pregnancy,
(15:42):
childbirth, um, but it will payoff during the that labor time.
And talk about in that pre-labortime, this could be you know
week, sorry, month three ormonth seven or all throughout
pregnancy, what are her hopes?
What are her fears?
What does she hope from you?
What what role does she want youto play?
And maybe if you don't feeladequate in playing that whole
role, you do bring in anothersupport person, like, all right,
(16:05):
looks like you want this stufffrom me.
I might need some help.
What about if we have your bestfriend come?
Or what if we have your mom oryour sister come?
Also, what are her fears?
You know, like we you may findthat she is incredibly nervous
about needles or hospital spacesdon't help her feel comfortable
because of a past experience, orshe knows somebody who had a
(16:28):
rough outcome with a pregnancyor something like what are her
fears?
And that can help as younavigate through the whole
process together.
What are her preferences?
What does she want?
Like if it was her dream labor,right?
Like if this went exactly howyou want to go, what would that
look like?
Um, what's our time frame onthat?
What's the support?
What's perfect support look likefor you?
(16:50):
Um, get those birth preferences.
How do you want the baby to behandled afterwards?
Like as far as what newborncares and what does immediate
postpartum look like for you?
What do you want there?
And you'll the these themes willcome out, like um what she's
nervous about, what she mostwants.
Those will be your um key pointsto support throughout the
process.
And as you learn thingstogether, practice them at home.
(17:12):
Like, practice at home, practicebefore labor begins goes a
really long way in the labor inat labor time, right?
It's the day of, and you'relike, all right, we've done
these things.
I know you like this.
I have done counterpressurebefore.
I know what knee press is.
It will give you tools to besuccessful, things that you know
she likes, things that she'slike, yep, I like it.
(17:32):
I like when you do this.
Um, turns out I don't like that.
But um have some tools in yourkit so that you have something
to pull out when she needs alittle bit of help and it's not
the first time you're thinkingabout this.
Pack snacks for you, for her.
Um, a lot of times you mightneed to dash over and grab a
quick snack.
Take drinks yourself, right?
Support yourself.
Um, music.
(17:53):
Music's a great tool for you,for her, and essentials for both
of you.
Think of going into a really badhotel for like three days.
Like, what do you need if you goto a poor hotel, right?
They have terrible pillows, theyhave terrible towels, shampoo
conditioner, maybe not, youknow.
What would it like bare bones?
(18:14):
We have a bed, not even a goodone, um, a bathroom, not a great
one.
Um, what would you need to takecare of yourself in a bad hotel
for three, four days?
And what does she need to takecare of herself at that same
time?
That's what you kind of want totake with you as far as personal
care items.
Um, take a change of clothes foryou.
You can take showers there ifyou want.
(18:35):
Don't, you know, don't take toolong in the shower.
Um, but take care of yourself.
And I always like to havepartners like gum handy, brush
your teeth.
Like sometimes you're in prettyclose quarters to each other,
and you want to be a pleasantpresence that way.
Um so remember to take thingsfor both of you, physical things
(18:56):
that can be literal tools andfigurative tools as well.
Um, so so support, there'sthere's lots of ways to support.
Um, but your effort is probablythe best way to support.
Nobody in the room is gonna knowthis person as well as you do,
if they're your partner, ifthey're your sister, if they're
your best friend, if it's yourdaughter.
Um, so regardless of theirexpertise, their knowledge, how
(19:19):
many years they've been doingthis, how many babies they've
delivered, they don't know thisperson like you do, right?
You know this person's history,um, you know their hopes, their
fears, how they think aboutthings, how they receive things.
So that puts you in anincredibly pivotal position to
help this person have a positiveum birth.
So it doesn't mean doingeverything or doing everything
(19:39):
perfectly.
It just means being present,being loving, being responsive,
being an advocate for a personthat you love.
Um, your presence matters morethan your perfection, right?
So think of ways that like whenyour partner has um when they're
sick, how do you help them best?
What do they like most?
Or when they're nervous aboutsomething, when they've got a
(20:01):
big thing going on at work orschool or um a big family, maybe
there's some family drama, howdo they best work through that?
If they've got an injury orillness or a big event, say
they're an athlete, and how arethey gonna plan and prepare for
this event?
You're gonna take little piecesof all of that and you can kind
of build a customized package tohelp this person through um the
labor process.
(20:23):
So I want you to know you can bean amazing support person.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, remember that
support during labor does notmean having all the answers or
doing everything exactlycorrect.
It means being you, beingpresent.
It means showing up, showing upwith love, with patience, like
(20:44):
show up with patience, um,having a willingness to meet her
where she's at.
There are some births that I'vebeen to um where the partner can
do nothing right.
Um, and that's tough, right?
It's normal.
Like people in labor, when westart getting seeing that kind
of stuff and people are snippyand snap at everybody, they're
pretty close to having a babyand it's awesome.
But um, don't take it personal.
(21:06):
Like whatever they say or do ifthey snap at you, that's labor
talking, right?
Labor and your loving partner'spersonality as well, mixed with
that.
Um, but people get prettysnippy.
I was at a labor recently, um,where the dad, and I've done
plenty of counterpressure in mylife, but the way the dad did
it, the mom liked it best.
(21:26):
So it was put him in a prettyawkward position physically, um,
the way she wanted it.
It was hard for both of us towork on it because how she
wanted him to do it.
The poor guy had done it allday, and then through the night
as I was with him, um, towardsthe end of labor, um, that
wasn't working.
And what he tried didn't work.
Super normal, right?
Like that I love what you'redoing, I hate what you're doing,
(21:46):
and it switches like hot andcold just really quickly.
Um, another birth I was atrecently.
Uh, the dad, I came in andspelled out another doula at
this birth.
Um, and the partner did not getup off the bed.
Granted, it was nighttime forlike the first six or seven
hours, probably that I wasthere.
And he'd been incredibly activewith um her all throughout the
(22:10):
day, never left her side, um,was incredibly supportive.
And then it was he was tired,you know, he took he got an
awesome sleep, like massive nap,night of sleep.
Um, and I was her support personduring the night.
And so I didn't see him inaction.
And then as the baby was gettingclose to being born, he got up
off his little bed and um gotsuper involved again.
(22:33):
And and there were some toughmoments.
And he, although I hadn't seenhim do much, I know he had done
a lot, um, he became exactlywhat she needed.
And at that point, our rolesreversed, where I'd helped her
for several, several hours.
Now he was back helping herbecause he knew what to do and
what to say to get to her, um,which is incredibly valuable.
So whether you're just holding ahand, whether you're pressing
(22:57):
the lower part of her back,whether you're just reminding
her to breathe and breathingwith her, maybe you're just
standing simply and quietly byher side, you are making a
difference.
Your calm presence can be theanchor that helps this person
while the waves of labor arecoming, right?
They just come.
Um and what your confidence andyour strength can be incredibly
(23:17):
valuable.
So you don't have to be aprofessional about this.
Um, but you, as you prepare tobe a support person, take a
little time before the big day.
Talk with her about she what shewants, how what how she wants
you to help, what she thinkswill help.
Um, practice a few thingstogether.
The more connected you are onyour objectives and your goals
there going into it, um, themore connected you'll be in the
(23:40):
moment, right?
And the more prepared you willfeel, the more successful you'll
feel.
Hopefully that gives you a fewthings to think about, to try.
It is such an incredible honor.
Hopefully, it's a reallyconnecting experience for you to
connect the two of you.
Um, but it's an honor for meevery time.
And hopefully you feel that waytoo, to witness somebody do
(24:00):
something like that.
Like it is a choice, humanexperience, really.
Um, and so hopefully you canlook at it that way too.
That it's just an incrediblehonor to witness that.
It's pretty cool.
You have got what it takes, isyou as long as you listen,
you're connected, you come inwith some tools, you know and
love this person more thananybody else.
(24:21):
So I wish you the very best.
Um, take what you've got, add alittle bit to it, and you will
be an incredible support personand for your partner as they go
through the labor and birthexperience.
So I want to thank you so muchtoday for being with us with the
Ordinary Doula podcast.
Um, as always, connection is abig thing.
(24:42):
I want you to make a some humanconnection today, make it soon,
um, but reach out to someone insome way and make a human
connection, make somebody elsefeel a little bit better today.
You'll be better for it too.
Thanks for being with us.
Angie Rosier signing off, andwe'll see you next time on the
Ordinary Doula Podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (25:11):
Thank you for listening to the Ordinary Doula
Podcast with Angie Rosier,hosted by Birth Learning.
Episode credits will be in theshow notes.
And next time, as we continue toexplore the many aspects of
giving birth.
Welcome to the Ordinary Doula Podcast with
Angie Rosier, hosted by BirthLearning, where we help prepare
folks for labor and birth withexpertise coming from 20 years
of experience in a busy doulapractice, helping thousands of
people prepare for labor,providing essential knowledge
and tools for positive andempowering birth experiences.
SPEAKER_00 (01:06):
Those who work with doulas, those who don't, those
who can afford a doula, thosewho can't, those who are doulas,
those who are not.
But we kind of just want toshare experience and expertise
with those who could who areinterested, basically.
So the topic for today kind ofleads to I'm gonna take the
doula out of it actually.
(01:28):
And if we have a situation wherethere is no doula, that's kind
of what we're gonna talk about,what support people um can do.
So we're gonna talk about one ofthe most powerful tools in the
birthing room, and it's notmedical equipment, it's not even
a special technique, it is justhuman support.
So, and I'm I'm gonna take againthe doula piece out of that.
(01:50):
This would be partner support orum spouse support or whoever it
is is your main um birthingsupport person.
So when someone's in labor, thepeople around her can make such
a huge difference in how umshe's experiencing birth,
whether it's a husband, apartner, a mom, a sister, a
friend, um, your presence, yourwords, your hands, your energy,
(02:12):
um, your calm demeanor can beincredibly grounding and
empowering for the laboringperson.
So we're gonna explore what whysupport matters so much, what
that could look like in realtime in real life, and some
simple ways that you can stepinto that role with confidence,
(02:32):
even though you may have neverdone it before or you haven't
been to a birth.
If you're a dad to be a bestfriend, a sister who's been
asked to be there, um, we wantto give some practical tools
today to just help you besuccessful and be the confident
anchor that might be needed.
So let's dive into what we cando to help the laboring person
feel seen, safe, strong, um, andsupported during childbirth.
(02:57):
So support matters, right?
The role of of uh, and when youlook at support, there's
emotional support, there'sphysical support, there's um
just presence being presentsupport, there's informational
support.
Um, so provide with emotionalconnection is huge, right?
Breath writing, reassurance,presence, your just your
(03:19):
presence helps reduce fear.
Um, evidence shows us that whensomeone feels supported, and
that kind of feels different,maybe for different people,
labors can be shorter, um,there's less need for
interventions, satisfaction ofthe birth experience is greater,
and support does not have to beperfect, right?
Like presence is key,willingness, um, willingness and
(03:43):
appropriate presence is muchmore important than perfection
and then expertise, right?
Um, there's different kinds ofsupport people.
We've got uh very commonly it'sa spouse or a boyfriend.
We've also got maybe um a lot ofpeople have female companions, a
mom, a sister, a friend might besomeone they've chosen to help
(04:05):
support them through thisexperience.
Um maybe you've, you know,you've been a mom or sister, a
friend at other births.
Maybe you've had the opportunityto have babies yourself.
Um, could be just like a bestfriend, maybe who has or has not
had children.
And we're gonna kind of leavedoulas.
We're gonna leave theprofessional support people out
of this conversation.
And um, because there's lots ofpeople, only about four to six
(04:29):
percent of births in the UnitedStates are attended by
professional support people.
So that's a lot of birthshappening out there that don't
have either the awareness.
Um, a lot of times it's not themeans, right?
The financial means to have adoula.
Um, so we're gonna talk abouteveryone else and how they can
offer that support.
Um, anyone who's trusted andchosen by the birthing person
(04:53):
can be that support, can be apositive role.
So here's some practical ways tohelp during the labor process.
A lot of it is physical support,and physical support is done
with your body a lot of times.
Um, and you're supporting theirbody in some way.
This could include touch.
Like there's a I sometimes Icome back from a birth and I've
(05:14):
done a lot of touching, right?
Um, so be prepared to touch.
That includes massage, that canbe counterpressure, and
sometimes massage is prettyfirm.
Sometimes it can be light touchmassage.
We'll talk about how to knowwhat you want to use.
It can be just simply holdinghands, um, it can be stroking
someone's hair, it can be kneepress, um, but helping someone
(05:36):
change positions, like remindingthem to change positions,
checking in, are theycomfortable in this position?
How is this working for you?
Is there anything you want tochange?
Like check in often, beobservant, be very observant
about the physical surroundings,what's around us, what can we
use?
Um, right in there in theposition that they're in,
wherever they are.
Um, maybe they need a littlesupport under their foot or they
(05:58):
need to shift a little bit inthe bed.
So kind of be observant to umthe physical physicality and the
physical space they're in.
Offer water.
That's a great little trick.
Just have a like a cold.
Um, usually it's cold, doesn'thave to be, but cold and
refreshing.
Um, it might have a sweetness toit, whether that's like some
electrolytes or um, you know,some something with a little
(06:20):
boost to it, have that and offerit frequently, especially during
active labor.
Taking little sips of cold,refreshing water or drink of
choice is kind of a resetbetween contractions.
Washcloths, cold washcloths, runthem under the water, fan them
in the air, put them in an icebucket or a bowl full of ice is
gonna be really handy.
That is a great little tool.
(06:41):
I have a whole episode on thefabulous washcloth if you want
to check that out.
Um, and and a physical supportcan also be your body acting as
a gatekeeper, kind of.
So for the person's space, likeminimize disruptions.
Um, speak up, be an advocate ifyou need to, when you need to.
Um, sometimes I'll place myself,you know, and you can do the
same.
I'll place my body in a placethat's open and um inclusive of
(07:04):
the birthing person.
If everybody else is standing, Imight sit so that somebody's on
their level.
There's little rolling stools orbirth balls in the room.
So get get on the level of thebirthing person.
Um sometimes I'll get right downthe floor, squatted on the
floor, and then, you know, be inthe bathroom with them, be near
them when they're on the toilet,but be physically present.
That adds to physical support aswell.
And then emotional support ishuge, right?
(07:27):
That can come in the form ofpresence.
Um, it can come from your wordsif you offer words of
encouragement.
Um, remind her that she iswhatever she wants to be
reminded about that might bestrong, um, reminded that she's
connected to her baby, remindher um she can do hard things,
remind her she's making goodprogress, remind her this is
(07:48):
normal.
Um, there's a and as you you'regonna know your person, right?
Like as you know your person,you'll know what to say to get
to them.
And also you being steady, beingsteady and calm, especially when
they're trying to focus.
Like sometimes labor takes agood bit of focus, which can be
eating up a lot of energy.
Um, so be that calming presencekind of.
(08:11):
You might not feel calm, butthey're gonna look to you for a
source of strength.
Breathe with them, do somebreathing.
I do lots of breathing withfolks.
I even push sometimes, like inmy body, I'll like do some good
ab engagement and pretend orhelp to push, but breathe
together.
You can get in sync, your rhythmcan get in sync with their body.
(08:32):
Um, eye contact.
Sometimes some of the mostchallenging and intense parts
when I've supported people inlabor, it is like some pretty
crazy eye contact where they arejust hanging on to the edge.
There's a uh look in their eye,right?
And and they can keep steadywith you as they're just looking
for something to grasp onto.
(08:53):
Proverbally, um, that eyecontact can be pretty, pretty
important.
So be that grounding presence.
Um, and sometimes you just reachout and and you're doing some
touch, you're doing um, maybewhen they're sleeping, you're
just touching them or resting,sleeping between contractions,
but being present will be a hugeform of emotional support.
And I'm talking about like fullypresent, right?
(09:16):
Don't be distracted, don't be onyour phone.
I cannot tell you how many timespeople in labor get pretty
snippy if they see their partneron their phone or something on
their computer, like, get offthat.
That's enough.
So be prepared.
And that can be your energy,right?
That's a lot of energy to can becompletely present, especially
if things get long um or you gettired or we're going overnight,
(09:38):
but the presence is huge.
It's very grounding.
And then the advocacy support.
So like you don't have to knoweverything, you don't have to
understand everything, but youcan ask clarifying questions.
So help communicate with medicalstaff, like when the laboring
woman wants you to, right?
If she's busy, if she's tired,if she's sleeping, um, maybe
(09:59):
she's not in a place where shecan have a full conversation
because she's pretty focused onwhat it is she's doing.
Um, ask those questions for herand remember her birth
preferences.
Like hopefully, this issomething you've gone over in
preparation time ahead of time.
If you're gonna be a supportperson, you need to know the
game plan, right?
So what is important to thisperson?
(10:19):
What what's what's kind of theirstrategy?
How are they gonna work throughlabor?
How do they want people helpingthem?
What are their tools?
What are their birth preferenceswhen it comes to um baby care
stuff, that immediate stuff?
Are we doing, you know, delayedcord clamping?
Are we doing skin to skin?
Especially at that time whenshe's so engaged in what she's
doing that she forgets anddoesn't care and doesn't know
(10:43):
what she wants at that point.
It's just hard to communicatethat.
It's not that it's no longerimportant to her, but it's very
difficult to communicate thosedesires when things are kind of
intense.
So remember the birthpreferences and speak out about
them.
Um ask those clarifyingquestions, slow down decision
making.
If mom looks overwhelmed orseems overwhelmed, very, very
(11:03):
rarely in childbirth do we needto rush into things?
Now, sometimes we really gottarush, right?
And you'll know about thosetimes, but um you can oftentimes
say, hey, is anyone in danger?
Is mom or baby in danger?
All right, can we talk aboutthis?
Can we ask a few questions aboutthis?
We want to come to understandthis.
Can you tell us what our otheroptions are?
If she doesn't want to do this,what else can she do?
(11:25):
That's my favorite thing.
Doulas provide is they know allthe answers to that, right?
So they know there's four orfive other things we could do or
try or whatever, but you can askthose.
Ask those of your nurse, of yourdoctor, whoever it is that is
helping you.
Um make sure that youunderstand, ask enough questions
so that you feel comfortablewith the information you have so
that you can help make thosedecisions and the birthing mom
(11:48):
can make those decisions.
So here's a little list of whatnot to do.
Um don't focus on your owndiscomfort.
I've had dads.
It's kind of cute.
And some of them have done it injest, like uh one particular
dad, he's like, uh, this is kindof boring.
How long is this gonna take?
And really, truly, there areparts of labor, long parts of
(12:09):
labor, that are incrediblyboring.
Um, and but but don't focus onyour own discomfort or gosh, I'm
hungry, gosh, I'm tired.
Like, don't you even dare saythat, right?
Put that aside.
Um, I guarantee you, and as Ihelp people at birth, no matter
how tired I am or whatever, I amnot working nearly as hard as
the person having the baby is.
Don't minimize your pain, right?
(12:30):
Like, um, by observing or sayingor thinking um or verbalizing,
like, yeah, this is not so bad.
Um, this doesn't look too bad.
Um like trust her and everythingthat she says and that she says
she feels.
If she says it's hard, it'shard.
Um, if she says she's okay, youknow, watch her for that.
(12:50):
Um, but you know, some people,even at early stages, might be
feeling more like they're inlate stages.
That happens unfortunately.
Um, but never, never minimizepain.
Don't disappear, right?
Like that's like whether youjust disappear emotionally or
you disappear, your presenceisn't really present.
(13:10):
That is incredibly um isolatingfor people.
If like somebody's sitting rightthere, but they're not really
there, they're on their phone,they're bored, they've fallen
asleep.
Like, um, and that's that's awhole nother thing is how to
take care of yourself becauseit's a lot of work.
I want you to be prepared to beworking pretty hard because to
be the sole support person, itis a bit of work.
Um, but be present again,presence is huge.
(13:32):
Avoid arguing or beingdistracted.
Don't argue with her for sure.
Um, don't argue with the staff.
That can um, you know, that justbrings strife into the space and
and be very uh make a team outof it, right?
Like make a team out of thestaff, invite them onto your
team, appreciate their teamworkwith you, um, and collaborate
with them, just collaborate withthem.
(13:53):
They are looking out for yourbest interests, we hope, right?
So um let them know that that'swhat you believe their job is
and and learn from them.
Learn from them as you work onthat together.
Um, avoid scrolling on yourphone.
That's a big one.
Video games.
I have been in hospital rooms,um, some hospitals I've worked
in, like as lactation, and we goin and this is also more in the
(14:16):
postpartum.
I've seen it in labor as well.
And a partner has brought in awhole gaming system and a TV to
go with it.
Sometimes a rather large um TVand maybe a friend, maybe a
friend to kind of go with that.
And in those long, boring daysor days after in postpartum, um,
they might just sit and playgames.
(14:38):
So uh if if if she's cool withthat, you know, just check in
real closely if she's gonna begood at that.
Um, another thing you can do isprepare ahead of time, like
before labor ever begins, learnsome stuff, right?
Knowledge is power, and the moreyou learn, the more you know.
Um, and that will be incrediblythat's an incredibly valuable
(14:59):
asset to have is knowledge.
You're not gonna know as much asthe nurses know, as much as the
doctor knows, but because youknow your person the best, you
are you can be the very bestsupport person for this
particular person in laborbecause you know and love them.
You got skin in the game becauseyou're supporting someone that
you love.
So attend childbirth classestogether, read books together.
(15:21):
Um, a lot of times we have thebirthing person who's prepared
incredibly well, they're readingall the books, they're doing
this stuff, and a partnerhasn't, they're coming along,
right?
Maybe they don't even go to allthe classes, um, they don't read
too many of the books, butinvest yourself then um ahead of
time.
I know it gets old talking aboutonly babies, pregnancy,
(15:42):
childbirth, um, but it will payoff during the that labor time.
And talk about in that pre-labortime, this could be you know
week, sorry, month three ormonth seven or all throughout
pregnancy, what are her hopes?
What are her fears?
What does she hope from you?
What what role does she want youto play?
And maybe if you don't feeladequate in playing that whole
role, you do bring in anothersupport person, like, all right,
(16:05):
looks like you want this stufffrom me.
I might need some help.
What about if we have your bestfriend come?
Or what if we have your mom oryour sister come?
Also, what are her fears?
You know, like we you may findthat she is incredibly nervous
about needles or hospital spacesdon't help her feel comfortable
because of a past experience, orshe knows somebody who had a
(16:28):
rough outcome with a pregnancyor something like what are her
fears?
And that can help as younavigate through the whole
process together.
What are her preferences?
What does she want?
Like if it was her dream labor,right?
Like if this went exactly howyou want to go, what would that
look like?
Um, what's our time frame onthat?
What's the support?
What's perfect support look likefor you?
(16:50):
Um, get those birth preferences.
How do you want the baby to behandled afterwards?
Like as far as what newborncares and what does immediate
postpartum look like for you?
What do you want there?
And you'll the these themes willcome out, like um what she's
nervous about, what she mostwants.
Those will be your um key pointsto support throughout the
process.
And as you learn thingstogether, practice them at home.
(17:12):
Like, practice at home, practicebefore labor begins goes a
really long way in the labor inat labor time, right?
It's the day of, and you'relike, all right, we've done
these things.
I know you like this.
I have done counterpressurebefore.
I know what knee press is.
It will give you tools to besuccessful, things that you know
she likes, things that she'slike, yep, I like it.
(17:32):
I like when you do this.
Um, turns out I don't like that.
But um have some tools in yourkit so that you have something
to pull out when she needs alittle bit of help and it's not
the first time you're thinkingabout this.
Pack snacks for you, for her.
Um, a lot of times you mightneed to dash over and grab a
quick snack.
Take drinks yourself, right?
Support yourself.
Um, music.
(17:53):
Music's a great tool for you,for her, and essentials for both
of you.
Think of going into a really badhotel for like three days.
Like, what do you need if you goto a poor hotel, right?
They have terrible pillows, theyhave terrible towels, shampoo
conditioner, maybe not, youknow.
What would it like bare bones?
(18:14):
We have a bed, not even a goodone, um, a bathroom, not a great
one.
Um, what would you need to takecare of yourself in a bad hotel
for three, four days?
And what does she need to takecare of herself at that same
time?
That's what you kind of want totake with you as far as personal
care items.
Um, take a change of clothes foryou.
You can take showers there ifyou want.
(18:35):
Don't, you know, don't take toolong in the shower.
Um, but take care of yourself.
And I always like to havepartners like gum handy, brush
your teeth.
Like sometimes you're in prettyclose quarters to each other,
and you want to be a pleasantpresence that way.
Um so remember to take thingsfor both of you, physical things
(18:56):
that can be literal tools andfigurative tools as well.
Um, so so support, there'sthere's lots of ways to support.
Um, but your effort is probablythe best way to support.
Nobody in the room is gonna knowthis person as well as you do,
if they're your partner, ifthey're your sister, if they're
your best friend, if it's yourdaughter.
Um, so regardless of theirexpertise, their knowledge, how
(19:19):
many years they've been doingthis, how many babies they've
delivered, they don't know thisperson like you do, right?
You know this person's history,um, you know their hopes, their
fears, how they think aboutthings, how they receive things.
So that puts you in anincredibly pivotal position to
help this person have a positiveum birth.
So it doesn't mean doingeverything or doing everything
(19:39):
perfectly.
It just means being present,being loving, being responsive,
being an advocate for a personthat you love.
Um, your presence matters morethan your perfection, right?
So think of ways that like whenyour partner has um when they're
sick, how do you help them best?
What do they like most?
Or when they're nervous aboutsomething, when they've got a
(20:01):
big thing going on at work orschool or um a big family, maybe
there's some family drama, howdo they best work through that?
If they've got an injury orillness or a big event, say
they're an athlete, and how arethey gonna plan and prepare for
this event?
You're gonna take little piecesof all of that and you can kind
of build a customized package tohelp this person through um the
labor process.
(20:23):
So I want you to know you can bean amazing support person.
As we wrap up today'sconversation, remember that
support during labor does notmean having all the answers or
doing everything exactlycorrect.
It means being you, beingpresent.
It means showing up, showing upwith love, with patience, like
(20:44):
show up with patience, um,having a willingness to meet her
where she's at.
There are some births that I'vebeen to um where the partner can
do nothing right.
Um, and that's tough, right?
It's normal.
Like people in labor, when westart getting seeing that kind
of stuff and people are snippyand snap at everybody, they're
pretty close to having a babyand it's awesome.
But um, don't take it personal.
(21:06):
Like whatever they say or do ifthey snap at you, that's labor
talking, right?
Labor and your loving partner'spersonality as well, mixed with
that.
Um, but people get prettysnippy.
I was at a labor recently, um,where the dad, and I've done
plenty of counterpressure in mylife, but the way the dad did
it, the mom liked it best.
(21:26):
So it was put him in a prettyawkward position physically, um,
the way she wanted it.
It was hard for both of us towork on it because how she
wanted him to do it.
The poor guy had done it allday, and then through the night
as I was with him, um, towardsthe end of labor, um, that
wasn't working.
And what he tried didn't work.
Super normal, right?
Like that I love what you'redoing, I hate what you're doing,
(21:46):
and it switches like hot andcold just really quickly.
Um, another birth I was atrecently.
Uh, the dad, I came in andspelled out another doula at
this birth.
Um, and the partner did not getup off the bed.
Granted, it was nighttime forlike the first six or seven
hours, probably that I wasthere.
And he'd been incredibly activewith um her all throughout the
(22:10):
day, never left her side, um,was incredibly supportive.
And then it was he was tired,you know, he took he got an
awesome sleep, like massive nap,night of sleep.
Um, and I was her support personduring the night.
And so I didn't see him inaction.
And then as the baby was gettingclose to being born, he got up
off his little bed and um gotsuper involved again.
(22:33):
And and there were some toughmoments.
And he, although I hadn't seenhim do much, I know he had done
a lot, um, he became exactlywhat she needed.
And at that point, our rolesreversed, where I'd helped her
for several, several hours.
Now he was back helping herbecause he knew what to do and
what to say to get to her, um,which is incredibly valuable.
So whether you're just holding ahand, whether you're pressing
(22:57):
the lower part of her back,whether you're just reminding
her to breathe and breathingwith her, maybe you're just
standing simply and quietly byher side, you are making a
difference.
Your calm presence can be theanchor that helps this person
while the waves of labor arecoming, right?
They just come.
Um and what your confidence andyour strength can be incredibly
(23:17):
valuable.
So you don't have to be aprofessional about this.
Um, but you, as you prepare tobe a support person, take a
little time before the big day.
Talk with her about she what shewants, how what how she wants
you to help, what she thinkswill help.
Um, practice a few thingstogether.
The more connected you are onyour objectives and your goals
there going into it, um, themore connected you'll be in the
(23:40):
moment, right?
And the more prepared you willfeel, the more successful you'll
feel.
Hopefully that gives you a fewthings to think about, to try.
It is such an incredible honor.
Hopefully, it's a reallyconnecting experience for you to
connect the two of you.
Um, but it's an honor for meevery time.
And hopefully you feel that waytoo, to witness somebody do
(24:00):
something like that.
Like it is a choice, humanexperience, really.
Um, and so hopefully you canlook at it that way too.
That it's just an incrediblehonor to witness that.
It's pretty cool.
You have got what it takes, isyou as long as you listen,
you're connected, you come inwith some tools, you know and
love this person more thananybody else.
(24:21):
So I wish you the very best.
Um, take what you've got, add alittle bit to it, and you will
be an incredible support personand for your partner as they go
through the labor and birthexperience.
So I want to thank you so muchtoday for being with us with the
Ordinary Doula podcast.
Um, as always, connection is abig thing.
(24:42):
I want you to make a some humanconnection today, make it soon,
um, but reach out to someone insome way and make a human
connection, make somebody elsefeel a little bit better today.
You'll be better for it too.
Thanks for being with us.
Angie Rosier signing off, andwe'll see you next time on the
Ordinary Doula Podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (25:11):
Thank you for listening to the Ordinary Doula
Podcast with Angie Rosier,hosted by Birth Learning.
Episode credits will be in theshow notes.
And next time, as we continue toexplore the many aspects of
giving birth.
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