August 5, 2024 • 45 mins
What if reclaiming your worth could transform your entire life? Join me, Erin Anderson, as we unravel the complexities of healing from betrayal trauma and setting boundaries with narcissistic partners. Hear the inspiring tale of my dear friend who rediscovered her value and escaped the clutches of an abusive relationship. This episode promises to guide you through recognizing your own worth and establishing the boundaries necessary to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Narcissists often present a duality reminiscent of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, using manipulative tactics like gaslighting and backhanded compliments to erode your confidence. We'll explore how these behaviors isolate you from your support systems and discuss how to identify the telltale signs of narcissistic manipulation in various contexts, including family and work. Understanding these dynamics is crucial in reclaiming control over your life and maintaining your mental well-being.
Setting strong boundaries is essential in managing interactions with narcissists, and I share five key strategies to help you do just that. Learn to trust your experiences, meet your needs independently, and recognize disrespectful behavior. This episode empowers you to maintain your self-respect and confidence, providing a roadmap to decide whether a relationship is worth continuing. Plus, connect with a supportive community through my free Facebook group and Instagram page, and take the next step in your healing journey alongside others who understand your struggle.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to rob usof our joy and identity, which
(01:15):
is why it's so miserable toexperience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Today I thought I'd record anepisode that I think would be
very, very interesting to thoseof you because I know a lot of
you feel like you're dealingwith a narcissistic partner and,
(02:55):
granted, again, it's a labelright, and labels aren't always
helpful for either the partnerin the toxic relationship or the
one that's creating thetoxicity, and the reason being
is because we all have ourdemons, we all have things that
we need to deal with.
But there are also some of youthat are really struggling in a
(03:21):
relationship with an actualnarcissist or someone that
probably definitely exhibitstheir fair share of narcissistic
traits, and so I get a lot ofquestions about, like, what do I
do?
Like how do I deal with thisperson?
Because I'm feeling moreisolated, I'm feeling abandoned,
(03:45):
I'm feeling betrayed, I'mfeeling XYZ and I'm feeling more
isolated, I'm feeling abandoned, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm
feeling X, y, z and I'm feelingunheard, and these are things
that happen a lot in the.
There are five boundaries thatI recommend for someone dealing
(04:09):
with a narcissistic partner, andthey work very, very well,
because one thing that gets youeither out of a relationship
with a narcissist or changes therelationship in your favor, I
should say, or in the favor ofthe relationship in general, is
boundaries.
You definitely need to haveboundaries in every single
(04:32):
relationship.
Personal boundaries are verygood, very safe.
We're all for them.
But let's go ahead and talkabout some of the things, first
and foremost, that a narcissistlooks for in a partner, and the
reason why I want to point thisout is because a narcissist
(04:52):
preys on the faults of anotherindividual, and oftentimes I'm
not saying, like you, mylisteners are narcissistic, even
though we all have narcissistictraits, but oftentimes I have
seen narcissists gettingtogether with narcissists, and
(05:13):
boy does that ever create sometension, and that can be
miserable.
If you're a child of twonarcissistic parents who are
consistently fighting andcompeting with each other,
competing for you, competingwith you, blah, blah, blah, blah
, blah Okay, it can be verydifficult.
So let's talk about some of thethings that a narcissist looks
(05:37):
for in a partner.
Number one they actually lookfor people who are strong-willed
, successful, confident,attractive and all of the
trophies.
They like trophy people.
To give you an example, thiswas years and years and years
(06:01):
ago.
But I had a good friend of mineand she's just absolutely
gorgeous.
Like think of the standard ofbeauty and she's got it.
But she married someone whowould parade her around in
public but then totally ignoreher behind closed doors and
(06:25):
expect certain things of her,and we're talking about things
like sexual favors, we'retalking about things like
cleaning the house, get me abeer, that kind of thing.
And so behind closed doorthere's a lot of disrespect and
in front of people she was abragging right Like look what I
(06:49):
got, and almost kind of like shewas nothing better than the
deer he would hunt.
Obviously that relationship didnot last.
She finally realized that shewas better than that and that
she deserved more in arelationship than being the
(07:10):
trophy wife and the maid.
She knew she deserved more thanthat.
And now she's remarried Greatguy, happy family.
But one of the things that shetold me was that one of her
(07:31):
biggest fears in a relationship,or biggest flaws or character
flaws, is that she knew she wasbeautiful.
She knew she was gorgeous andshe wanted to be humble, she
didn't want to have anover-inflated sense of ego, and
he would pray on this and he'dsay things like oh, look at your
(07:59):
pride, like wow, could youpossibly possibly get an more
inflated ego?
Or he'd say something along thelines of well, good wives clean
the house.
Or he'd say something along thelines of well, good wives will
get their husbands beers becausethey appreciate them Right.
(08:21):
Because they appreciate themRight and he is he would
Purposefully Attack Herweaknesses and prey on them so
that way he could consistentlyhave what he wanted with her,
(08:43):
which was the disrespect, butalso the trophy way, right.
Something that was also reallyinteresting about my friend is
she had had a lot of childhoodtrauma as well.
Um, now she I, I grew up withthis girl and I can tell you
(09:08):
she's she's had just this beautywith her for a very, very long
time, and she was the one thatmost boys growing up sought
after.
They wanted to date her, and ittended to become kind of a
(09:30):
trauma for her because, eventhough she was gorgeous,
absolutely beautiful, she tendedto believe that's all she was
worth.
And even though she went outand she had degrees, she was
successful in a lot of areas andshe had a lot of confidence in
a lot of areas To other people.
She believed she was nothingbut a face, that she didn't have
(09:54):
anything more to give, and heprayed on that as well, and it
was largely due to some of thethings that previous boys had
taught her.
So it makes sense that she'dget into a relationship where
her husband would treat her thatway, and I don't know the
(10:15):
extent and everything of all ofthe childhood trauma that she
received, but I do remember herspeaking to me about that
particular incident and you know, bless her heart, you know she,
she left him.
She, she got away from him andshe started living on her own,
(10:36):
being her own person, and thiswhole new version of herself
came out from that marriage,from that marriage, and so she
doesn't look at it like it was abad thing.
It was very difficult, but itgave her the ability to fly in a
lot of ways.
But it wasn't until she startedsetting some of these
(10:59):
boundaries for herself thatthings really started to shift
and change, and we'll go overthose boundaries again in just a
second.
So again, a narcissist looks forsomeone who they can manipulate
.
Sometimes they'll prey onpeople who actually don't have a
(11:20):
lot of confidence right.
They look for those confidenceflaws because that is exactly
what they're going to get in andtry to manipulate, to control
you.
Because if they can get theperson or their partner to doubt
themselves in any way, thenwhat they start to do is they
(11:41):
start to say, okay, I can'tthink through this situation and
so it's going to be better ifmy partner does the thinking for
me.
And that's where a narcissistwants us.
They want to be able togaslight, they want to be able
to mentally manipulate, theywant to be able to do those
things, because then they theystay in the but I look good.
(12:11):
Another incident I had aprevious client who was also
another very successfulbusinesswoman and she did a lot
to contribute to her family.
(12:31):
But her husband was constantlytearing it down, constantly
making snide remarks about herbusiness.
And oh, that's such a cutelittle thing that you play at
right.
Just a very backhandedcompliment.
And she finally would get madat him.
(12:52):
And she would why do you talkto me this way?
Why are you doing this?
And he totally took on thevictim role Because he had to be
the one that looked good.
He would complain about her toeveryone else and how she just
wasn't mentally stable, eventhough he would mentally
(13:15):
manipulate her, and when she'dget mad about it and everybody's
going to get mad after beingmentally manipulated for a while
, after being mentallymanipulated for a while, he made
it look like he was the victim,that he was the one struggling
so he could keep the status quo,that he could be the status
symbol, that he could still looksuperior and still look like
(13:42):
the good guy.
And that's a very common threadin narcissists.
They have to look like the goodguy.
And that's a very common threadin narcissists is they have to
look like the good guy at yourexpense.
And I have seen a lot of womenand men even come through
relationships where this hasbeen the case, where you know
(14:03):
their partner has to be the goodguy Jekyll, mr Hyde kind of a
thing.
When they're Mr Hyde, they'reawful, they're evil, they're
manipulative, they seek todestroy, but when they're Dr
(14:29):
Jekyll, they're great, they'resuper smart, they're witty,
they're the life of the party,everybody loves them.
So they want to paint you outto be the problem, and they're
very, very good at that.
So what are some of the thingsthat a narcissist will do well.
(14:51):
Number one like I said, theywithhold affection or attention,
emotional intimacy or physicalintimacy.
They withhold the things thatcreate a positive experience in
the relationship.
They'll gaslight, they'll tryto get you to believe their
story over your own experiencesAgain, so that way they can
(15:17):
fulfill their own desires, theirown needs.
They have to tear someone elsedown to prove to themselves that
they're good, that they aregood enough.
And remember anything that thenarcissist can do to make
(15:38):
themselves better like this is away for them to actually prove
to themselves, too, that they'rebetter than people.
They have to keep this.
Oh, I'm holy, I'm God, I amGod's gift to this person, I am
God's gift to the world.
They have to keep that,otherwise their whole entire
being falls apart.
And so they'll do thegaslighting, they'll withhold
(16:03):
affection and they're also goingto give you know, those
backhanded compliments.
Now, if you're asking what is abackhanded compliment, it's
something that has like apositive overtone but has a very
, very, very negative undertone.
So something along the lines ofoh, that dress looks really
(16:24):
good on you.
Um, I wasn't sure that it thatyou could make it look good,
something like that.
Right, it's just kind of likewhat did you really say that?
Or another one that I've heardsaid is oh, I'm really happy to
(16:48):
see you sticking to your diet.
Last time you totally ate likethe entire buffet, right.
It's just that little dig, thatlittle insult that gives those
backhanded compliments Likethey'll praise a little thing
and then totally unwind it anddestroy it.
That's what a backhandedcompliment is, and they really
(17:10):
love to prey on a person'svulnerabilities with those
backhanded compliments and it'sone of the ways they get into
our heads psychologically.
The other thing they do isthey'll undermine your
confidence and they'll alsoisolate their partner from
support, love, connection,friendships, family, anything
(17:34):
like that, friendships, family,anything like that.
Because we are pack animals andwe tend to believe and think in
a pack mentality.
And this is one of the reasonswhy, when a woman especially I
will say this, because women wedo rely on men.
(17:56):
We want men to show up toprotect us.
We want men to be masculine sothat way we can be feminine and
know that we're safe.
Safety is a big thing to womenand we look to men to provide
that.
And even if I love you, mysweet audience, but even if
(18:17):
you're saying to yourself rightnow, I provide safety for myself
, just fine.
That's actually An idea thathappens when we are feeling the
lack of masculinity in our lives.
We end up having to bring thatself-protectiveness and our
(18:41):
inner masculine out.
And so women, especially becausewomen are notoriously preyed
upon.
Women and children have beenpreyed upon for decades through
sex trafficking or uh, you nameit any kind of vile evil thing.
(19:02):
Women and children are usuallythe first ones that get the prey
, that get preyed upon, and alarge reason of that is is
because men are physicallybigger and stronger and more
powerful.
They can easily overpower awoman or a child, and so the
(19:24):
world for years has been a veryunsafe place for women and
children, and it's literally inour DNA to understand that
concept.
And so we do want a masculineman, and oftentimes a narcissist
(19:45):
.
A narcissistic man can presenthimself with all the right
traits, all of the rightmasculines, just to lure you in,
and then they'll shift, andthen they'll change Right.
They'll become somethingthey're completely not because
they won the prize, okay, or Ishould say they'll show their
(20:07):
true colors, okay.
Again, the thing that's mostimportant to a narcissist is
proving that they are superiorin every way to you.
They want you to be the omega,while they're the alpha, they
(20:27):
have to be the one that's right.
They have to be the one that umlooks good at all costs,
including your costs, andthey're basically asking and
demanding, really, that youemotionally, mentally,
spiritually and physically payfor their decisions, that they
(20:51):
can do whatever they want atyour expense and they want at
your expense, okay and it's.
You can look at this and youcan say that this is a very sick
game to play, and you'd beright.
It is the way a narcissistthinks.
(21:13):
This is not a healthy brain.
But that is not to say, too,that that person hasn't
experienced some deep-seatedtrauma themselves and they've
built walls so thick aroundthemselves and they're so not
(21:33):
willing to go back into thattrauma again that they're the
ones now that create trauma forother people, because it's
easier to create trauma forother people in their mind than
become the one that'straumatized.
So what do you do when you arein a relationship with a
narcissist?
Now, this is something that cango with any relationship.
(21:56):
It doesn't just have to be witha loving partner, or I should
say, a marriage partner, aromantic partner.
This can also be between mother, child, father, child and any
(22:17):
relationship.
Really, you know, boss,employee, we've definitely.
I know for fact.
I have been in situations whereI've had a narcissistic
employer and it was not fun andI didn't know how at that time
to handle myself.
And it was not fun and I didn'tknow how at that time to handle
(22:38):
myself.
But there are five boundariesthat you can have with every
single narcissist thatabsolutely stops or puts them in
their place.
Most likely, if it's a truenarcissist, they'll break off
the relationship, or if it's anavoidant, they'll do better.
(23:02):
That's this is one of the waysyou can also tell the difference
.
So, boundary number oneRemember that they want you to
think the way they think so thatway they can do whatever they
want to do at your expense.
They play the mind games onpurpose and they'll do the
(23:26):
backhanded compliments, they'lldo the gaslighting okay, and
they'll say those little digsjust to try to get into your
mind.
So, number one boundary that'sa very interesting perspective.
I appreciate the share, but I'mgoing to trust and acknowledge
(23:48):
my own experience first.
Now, what does this do?
Number one I hear a lot ofpeople come to me and they're
like but what if they're tellingthe truth?
What if it actually is thetruth.
And what if I'm the one that'swrong?
Well then you seek out thetruth and if you figure out
(24:10):
you're wrong, then you get toadmit it.
That's all there is to it.
But if you don't see any wayright now that you're in the
wrong, if every evidence istelling you something different
than what your partner's tellingyou, this is a good boundary to
have.
It's both a listening and atalking boundary, because you're
(24:32):
really listening to what theother person has to say, you're
really taking in the informationand you're putting it through
your own filters and you've gotto trust your filters.
And then you speak the truth.
Remember, any boundary that isset in truth is a very, very
(24:54):
good boundary.
And again, that boundary isthat's a very interesting
perspective.
I appreciate the share, but I'mgoing to trust and believe my
own experience here.
Well, they might throw a fit,they might yell, they might
scream Like how dare you?
(25:15):
And they most likely will.
They're all fit.
They might yell, they mightscream Like how dare you?
And they most likely will.
And then you get to say, ok, Ican tell you feel very strongly
about this.
But all that did was prove tome that I'm right.
(25:35):
All that did was.
Give me more proof in myexperience to the way I see it.
You don't waver on the boundaryEver.
It's so much better to admityou're wrong than ever waver on
(25:56):
your boundary, but only admityou're wrong when you can see
the logic.
If you are a true seeker, ifyou're a true seeker of truth
let me spit that one out Thenyou have no problem admitting
your faults, admitting when youhad it wrong, because you love
(26:32):
the truth, and the truth willonly give you more perspective,
more wisdom, more truth to setbetter and deeper boundaries.
In Boundary number two, I do notbeg for my needs to be met.
I can meet them just fine.
So when someone is withholdingphysical affection, they're
giving you the cold shoulderbecause maybe you set the first
boundary with them and theydon't like it, and so they walk
(26:53):
off in a huff and they're notgoing to talk to you until you
see things their way.
Guess what you still don't bend.
You go out and you meet yourown needs.
Take yourself on dates.
Go spend time with your friends.
Go spend time with your family,especially if they've been
(27:16):
trying to isolate you not yourfamily, but the narcissist.
If the narcissist has beentrying to isolate you go spend
time with them, go spend timewith that family.
Go spend time with your friends, go make new friends.
I do not beg for my needs to bemet.
I can meet them just fine, andthat's true.
You may not even be able tomeet them in this relationship,
(27:40):
but then at that point again,you're a seeker of truth.
Maybe this is not the bestrelationship for either one of
you, and then, if that's thecase, you've got to make some
decisions.
Maybe it's time to leave therelationship.
Number three that sounded reallydisrespectful and mocking.
(28:01):
I'm going to leave the room.
When you and I can have arespectful conversation where
both of us are listening to theother person, we'll continue.
Now, a narcissist can totallytry to turn this around and be
like well, you weren't beingrespectful to me.
Maybe I won't talk to you untilyou and I have a respectful
(28:22):
conversation, until you canrespect me.
Then you can literally say okayand walk away.
They're allowed to havewhatever experience they need to
have, but it was not you thatwas being disrespectful, or if
(28:47):
it was again, an okay answersthat as well.
You can admit to yourself okay,yeah, that was not the best
I've ever done, but I can dobetter, but I'm not going to do
better right now until mypartner is also willing to be
respectful.
Like I can't do better, untilthey're willing to be respectful
(29:11):
, I can still be respectful.
I'm going to respect myself.
Through respecting of myself, Irespect other people.
The actual fact of a narcissistis this is a person that has
very low self-respect, very lowself-confidence, and so they
have to over inflate it.
(29:32):
Okay, and so this is part ofthe reason two-way boundaries
work so well with them isbecause now they're being met
with confidence, they're gettingan unconfident no, and they
don't know how to handle thatwithout yelling, screaming,
throwing a big fit and literallyproving to you in every single
(29:53):
way that your boundary is spoton, that your boundary is spot
on.
So again, if you guys arehaving a conversation and it
turns into yelling and you dolose this respect in the moment,
an okay works.
But if you were the one that'sbeing respectful, an okay still
(30:15):
works, because you don't have toapologize for anything.
You get to wait for them tocome around and you, in the
meantime, you can need to startmaking some decisions again for
yourself.
Is this really the rightrelationship for you to be in?
(30:35):
Is this really the rightrelationship for you to be in?
Number four?
You are welcome to have thatexperience, but I'm choosing to
experience this instead.
Ok, in other words, they cansit there and they can try to
make all these digs at you.
(31:03):
Right, I had somebody close tome a while ago, like in the last
couple of years ago, who hassome narcissistic tendencies,
and they were angry at me and Idon't remember what for, but I
hadn't been disrespectful tothat person at all.
It was just because I didn'tbend to their will and I because
(31:24):
I knew that what they wanted meto do was not the right thing,
it didn't serve me, it didn'tserve my family, it just was not
.
It didn't serve them, it wasnot in anybody's best interest,
and so they threw this dig at me.
Right, like I sure would loveto be able to spend my entire
day in front of a computer,goofing around and messing
(31:46):
around and ignoring my family,right?
Well, my family is veryimportant to me.
So is my business.
They know this, and so theyintentionally tried to put a dig
there.
They know this, and so theyintentionally tried to put a dig
there.
So this is where this, thisboundary, came up.
You are welcome to believe thatif that makes you happy.
(32:09):
However, I'm still going to dothis Because I believe it's best
for everyone.
That person didn't talk to mefor a while and when they did
try to reinitiate theconversation, I simply again set
another boundary.
Hey, I went back to theactually number three boundary.
(32:30):
Hey, I'm totally willing to uhchat with you, but, um, last
time it didn't end up so well.
It ended up kind ofdisrespectful.
Do you think we can change that?
I would really love to have arespectful conversation with you
and so I'm just not going todeal with disrespect.
Can you abide by that?
(32:53):
Abide by that, okay.
Number five I'm not going tochange the plans that I already
have.
If you've made plans withfriends, if you've made plans
with family and they're tryingto isolate you, they'll try to
do it in the last minute.
They're going to be like hey,yeah, great, like they're going
(33:14):
to act like they.
They really approve, but thenthey're going to put you on a
major guilt trip when you act.
When the time actually comes toyou acting on those plans, the
important thing is is you followthrough with those plans.
The idea here is that you wantto make sure that the people
(33:37):
that are around you know thatyou cannot be manipulated, that
you will not be manipulated,that you rely on your experience
first, and the experience ofGod.
I always default to those two,but again, if you remember our
relational tiers, and again ifyou need a refresher, there's a
(34:03):
podcast specifically entitledthe Relational Tiers.
In this podcast you might haveto search for it a little bit,
but the first top two tiers is arelationship with God and a
relationship with self.
You need to rely on those twobefore you ever rely on the
(34:27):
experience or the life or themind of another person.
You can that.
No, that doesn't mean that youyou can't ask for opinions from
people that know maybe know moreabout a subject than what you
do, but you still need to takethe advice into your filters and
(34:51):
say to yourself okay, does thismatch with what I know to be
true already?
So there you have it.
Each one of the five boundariesthat totally derails a
narcissist.
Every single one of them has todo with the listening boundary
(35:12):
and the talking boundary,because, again, remember that
you really want to listen towhat the other person's saying,
but listen not only just tounderstand, like, yes, listen to
understand what the otherperson is saying and what is
their motive.
If their motive is to gaslight,belittle, isolate any of the
(35:36):
things that we talked aboutbefore, well, that's one of the
reasons why a listening boundaryis good.
It's because you'll hear that.
But remember to also speak withrespect.
If you're not being spoken towith respect, you still get to
speak respectfully, becausethat's another boundary that a
(35:58):
narcissist cannot understand.
They really, really strugglewith that.
Okay, and there's also a coupleof these that have the physical
and the energetic boundary inthem as well, because you are
protecting your physical space,you're protecting your energy.
(36:24):
This is why these boundaries areso powerful and why a
narcissist really cannot standthem.
They have no response exceptfor anger, frustration, trying
to do the same things thatthey've been doing, to try to
mentally manipulate you.
That's what they know, and whenit doesn't work, a narcissist
(36:44):
has no other tool in their toolbelt to try and manipulate and
try and keep their relationshiptogether.
Okay, my loves, I hope thatthis was helpful.
Again, I apologize if you guyscan hear my kiddos in the
background.
They're cute, they're wonderful, but they are total loud little
(37:05):
Aborigines that run around myhome.
But I definitely wanted to giveyou guys that information and
hope that you know it gives youa little bit more power if you
are someone that is in arelationship with a narcissist.
And again, remember that, whileit really stinks right now,
(37:29):
especially if you're goingthrough it, this can be
something that turns out foryour betterment.
Be something that turns out foryour betterment.
It is through hard times reallyhard times, sometimes our
trials that sometimes we findourselves and we understand how
(37:50):
powerful we truly are, and ifyou can keep your confidence
with these boundaries, that's apowerful thing and it's
something that you will learnand appreciate very deeply about
yourself.
This can connect you evendeeper to you and god.
Now, if you would love some helpwith this, don't forget I am
(38:14):
taking on clients.
Right now.
I have a one hour freeconsultation.
You are totally welcome toschedule that.
Come chat with me, tell mewhat's going on and see if I
can't help you in one hour.
All right, my loves.
Until next week, I'll see youon the other side.
(38:38):
Bye, guys.
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
(39:04):
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group, the Other Side of
(39:26):
the Struggle Healing fromBetrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
(39:50):
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
(40:13):
couples that are following me,because in that group, me and my
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to rob usof our joy and identity, which
(01:15):
is why it's so miserable toexperience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Today I thought I'd record anepisode that I think would be
very, very interesting to thoseof you because I know a lot of
you feel like you're dealingwith a narcissistic partner and,
(02:55):
granted, again, it's a labelright, and labels aren't always
helpful for either the partnerin the toxic relationship or the
one that's creating thetoxicity, and the reason being
is because we all have ourdemons, we all have things that
we need to deal with.
But there are also some of youthat are really struggling in a
(03:21):
relationship with an actualnarcissist or someone that
probably definitely exhibitstheir fair share of narcissistic
traits, and so I get a lot ofquestions about, like, what do I
do?
Like how do I deal with thisperson?
Because I'm feeling moreisolated, I'm feeling abandoned,
(03:45):
I'm feeling betrayed, I'mfeeling XYZ and I'm feeling more
isolated, I'm feeling abandoned, I'm feeling betrayed, I'm
feeling X, y, z and I'm feelingunheard, and these are things
that happen a lot in the.
There are five boundaries thatI recommend for someone dealing
(04:09):
with a narcissistic partner, andthey work very, very well,
because one thing that gets youeither out of a relationship
with a narcissist or changes therelationship in your favor, I
should say, or in the favor ofthe relationship in general, is
boundaries.
You definitely need to haveboundaries in every single
(04:32):
relationship.
Personal boundaries are verygood, very safe.
We're all for them.
But let's go ahead and talkabout some of the things, first
and foremost, that a narcissistlooks for in a partner, and the
reason why I want to point thisout is because a narcissist
(04:52):
preys on the faults of anotherindividual, and oftentimes I'm
not saying, like you, mylisteners are narcissistic, even
though we all have narcissistictraits, but oftentimes I have
seen narcissists gettingtogether with narcissists, and
(05:13):
boy does that ever create sometension, and that can be
miserable.
If you're a child of twonarcissistic parents who are
consistently fighting andcompeting with each other,
competing for you, competingwith you, blah, blah, blah, blah
, blah Okay, it can be verydifficult.
So let's talk about some of thethings that a narcissist looks
(05:37):
for in a partner.
Number one they actually lookfor people who are strong-willed
, successful, confident,attractive and all of the
trophies.
They like trophy people.
To give you an example, thiswas years and years and years
(06:01):
ago.
But I had a good friend of mineand she's just absolutely
gorgeous.
Like think of the standard ofbeauty and she's got it.
But she married someone whowould parade her around in
public but then totally ignoreher behind closed doors and
(06:25):
expect certain things of her,and we're talking about things
like sexual favors, we'retalking about things like
cleaning the house, get me abeer, that kind of thing.
And so behind closed doorthere's a lot of disrespect and
in front of people she was abragging right Like look what I
(06:49):
got, and almost kind of like shewas nothing better than the
deer he would hunt.
Obviously that relationship didnot last.
She finally realized that shewas better than that and that
she deserved more in arelationship than being the
(07:10):
trophy wife and the maid.
She knew she deserved more thanthat.
And now she's remarried Greatguy, happy family.
But one of the things that shetold me was that one of her
(07:31):
biggest fears in a relationship,or biggest flaws or character
flaws, is that she knew she wasbeautiful.
She knew she was gorgeous andshe wanted to be humble, she
didn't want to have anover-inflated sense of ego, and
he would pray on this and he'dsay things like oh, look at your
(07:59):
pride, like wow, could youpossibly possibly get an more
inflated ego?
Or he'd say something along thelines of well, good wives clean
the house.
Or he'd say something along thelines of well, good wives will
get their husbands beers becausethey appreciate them Right.
(08:21):
Because they appreciate themRight and he is he would
Purposefully Attack Herweaknesses and prey on them so
that way he could consistentlyhave what he wanted with her,
(08:43):
which was the disrespect, butalso the trophy way, right.
Something that was also reallyinteresting about my friend is
she had had a lot of childhoodtrauma as well.
Um, now she I, I grew up withthis girl and I can tell you
(09:08):
she's she's had just this beautywith her for a very, very long
time, and she was the one thatmost boys growing up sought
after.
They wanted to date her, and ittended to become kind of a
(09:30):
trauma for her because, eventhough she was gorgeous,
absolutely beautiful, she tendedto believe that's all she was
worth.
And even though she went outand she had degrees, she was
successful in a lot of areas andshe had a lot of confidence in
a lot of areas To other people.
She believed she was nothingbut a face, that she didn't have
(09:54):
anything more to give, and heprayed on that as well, and it
was largely due to some of thethings that previous boys had
taught her.
So it makes sense that she'dget into a relationship where
her husband would treat her thatway, and I don't know the
(10:15):
extent and everything of all ofthe childhood trauma that she
received, but I do remember herspeaking to me about that
particular incident and you know, bless her heart, you know she,
she left him.
She, she got away from him andshe started living on her own,
(10:36):
being her own person, and thiswhole new version of herself
came out from that marriage,from that marriage, and so she
doesn't look at it like it was abad thing.
It was very difficult, but itgave her the ability to fly in a
lot of ways.
But it wasn't until she startedsetting some of these
(10:59):
boundaries for herself thatthings really started to shift
and change, and we'll go overthose boundaries again in just a
second.
So again, a narcissist looks forsomeone who they can manipulate
.
Sometimes they'll prey onpeople who actually don't have a
(11:20):
lot of confidence right.
They look for those confidenceflaws because that is exactly
what they're going to get in andtry to manipulate, to control
you.
Because if they can get theperson or their partner to doubt
themselves in any way, thenwhat they start to do is they
(11:41):
start to say, okay, I can'tthink through this situation and
so it's going to be better ifmy partner does the thinking for
me.
And that's where a narcissistwants us.
They want to be able togaslight, they want to be able
to mentally manipulate, theywant to be able to do those
things, because then they theystay in the but I look good.
(12:11):
Another incident I had aprevious client who was also
another very successfulbusinesswoman and she did a lot
to contribute to her family.
(12:31):
But her husband was constantlytearing it down, constantly
making snide remarks about herbusiness.
And oh, that's such a cutelittle thing that you play at
right.
Just a very backhandedcompliment.
And she finally would get madat him.
(12:52):
And she would why do you talkto me this way?
Why are you doing this?
And he totally took on thevictim role Because he had to be
the one that looked good.
He would complain about her toeveryone else and how she just
wasn't mentally stable, eventhough he would mentally
(13:15):
manipulate her, and when she'dget mad about it and everybody's
going to get mad after beingmentally manipulated for a while
, after being mentallymanipulated for a while, he made
it look like he was the victim,that he was the one struggling
so he could keep the status quo,that he could be the status
symbol, that he could still looksuperior and still look like
(13:42):
the good guy.
And that's a very common threadin narcissists.
They have to look like the goodguy.
And that's a very common threadin narcissists is they have to
look like the good guy at yourexpense.
And I have seen a lot of womenand men even come through
relationships where this hasbeen the case, where you know
(14:03):
their partner has to be the goodguy Jekyll, mr Hyde kind of a
thing.
When they're Mr Hyde, they'reawful, they're evil, they're
manipulative, they seek todestroy, but when they're Dr
(14:29):
Jekyll, they're great, they'resuper smart, they're witty,
they're the life of the party,everybody loves them.
So they want to paint you outto be the problem, and they're
very, very good at that.
So what are some of the thingsthat a narcissist will do well.
(14:51):
Number one like I said, theywithhold affection or attention,
emotional intimacy or physicalintimacy.
They withhold the things thatcreate a positive experience in
the relationship.
They'll gaslight, they'll tryto get you to believe their
story over your own experiencesAgain, so that way they can
(15:17):
fulfill their own desires, theirown needs.
They have to tear someone elsedown to prove to themselves that
they're good, that they aregood enough.
And remember anything that thenarcissist can do to make
(15:38):
themselves better like this is away for them to actually prove
to themselves, too, that they'rebetter than people.
They have to keep this.
Oh, I'm holy, I'm God, I amGod's gift to this person, I am
God's gift to the world.
They have to keep that,otherwise their whole entire
being falls apart.
And so they'll do thegaslighting, they'll withhold
(16:03):
affection and they're also goingto give you know, those
backhanded compliments.
Now, if you're asking what is abackhanded compliment, it's
something that has like apositive overtone but has a very
, very, very negative undertone.
So something along the lines ofoh, that dress looks really
(16:24):
good on you.
Um, I wasn't sure that it thatyou could make it look good,
something like that.
Right, it's just kind of likewhat did you really say that?
Or another one that I've heardsaid is oh, I'm really happy to
(16:48):
see you sticking to your diet.
Last time you totally ate likethe entire buffet, right.
It's just that little dig, thatlittle insult that gives those
backhanded compliments Likethey'll praise a little thing
and then totally unwind it anddestroy it.
That's what a backhandedcompliment is, and they really
(17:10):
love to prey on a person'svulnerabilities with those
backhanded compliments and it'sone of the ways they get into
our heads psychologically.
The other thing they do isthey'll undermine your
confidence and they'll alsoisolate their partner from
support, love, connection,friendships, family, anything
(17:34):
like that, friendships, family,anything like that.
Because we are pack animals andwe tend to believe and think in
a pack mentality.
And this is one of the reasonswhy, when a woman especially I
will say this, because women wedo rely on men.
(17:56):
We want men to show up toprotect us.
We want men to be masculine sothat way we can be feminine and
know that we're safe.
Safety is a big thing to womenand we look to men to provide
that.
And even if I love you, mysweet audience, but even if
(18:17):
you're saying to yourself rightnow, I provide safety for myself
, just fine.
That's actually An idea thathappens when we are feeling the
lack of masculinity in our lives.
We end up having to bring thatself-protectiveness and our
(18:41):
inner masculine out.
And so women, especially becausewomen are notoriously preyed
upon.
Women and children have beenpreyed upon for decades through
sex trafficking or uh, you nameit any kind of vile evil thing.
(19:02):
Women and children are usuallythe first ones that get the prey
, that get preyed upon, and alarge reason of that is is
because men are physicallybigger and stronger and more
powerful.
They can easily overpower awoman or a child, and so the
(19:24):
world for years has been a veryunsafe place for women and
children, and it's literally inour DNA to understand that
concept.
And so we do want a masculineman, and oftentimes a narcissist
(19:45):
.
A narcissistic man can presenthimself with all the right
traits, all of the rightmasculines, just to lure you in,
and then they'll shift, andthen they'll change Right.
They'll become somethingthey're completely not because
they won the prize, okay, or Ishould say they'll show their
(20:07):
true colors, okay.
Again, the thing that's mostimportant to a narcissist is
proving that they are superiorin every way to you.
They want you to be the omega,while they're the alpha, they
(20:27):
have to be the one that's right.
They have to be the one that umlooks good at all costs,
including your costs, andthey're basically asking and
demanding, really, that youemotionally, mentally,
spiritually and physically payfor their decisions, that they
(20:51):
can do whatever they want atyour expense and they want at
your expense, okay and it's.
You can look at this and youcan say that this is a very sick
game to play, and you'd beright.
It is the way a narcissistthinks.
(21:13):
This is not a healthy brain.
But that is not to say, too,that that person hasn't
experienced some deep-seatedtrauma themselves and they've
built walls so thick aroundthemselves and they're so not
(21:33):
willing to go back into thattrauma again that they're the
ones now that create trauma forother people, because it's
easier to create trauma forother people in their mind than
become the one that'straumatized.
So what do you do when you arein a relationship with a
narcissist?
Now, this is something that cango with any relationship.
(21:56):
It doesn't just have to be witha loving partner, or I should
say, a marriage partner, aromantic partner.
This can also be between mother, child, father, child and any
(22:17):
relationship.
Really, you know, boss,employee, we've definitely.
I know for fact.
I have been in situations whereI've had a narcissistic
employer and it was not fun andI didn't know how at that time
to handle myself.
And it was not fun and I didn'tknow how at that time to handle
(22:38):
myself.
But there are five boundariesthat you can have with every
single narcissist thatabsolutely stops or puts them in
their place.
Most likely, if it's a truenarcissist, they'll break off
the relationship, or if it's anavoidant, they'll do better.
(23:02):
That's this is one of the waysyou can also tell the difference
.
So, boundary number oneRemember that they want you to
think the way they think so thatway they can do whatever they
want to do at your expense.
They play the mind games onpurpose and they'll do the
(23:26):
backhanded compliments, they'lldo the gaslighting okay, and
they'll say those little digsjust to try to get into your
mind.
So, number one boundary that'sa very interesting perspective.
I appreciate the share, but I'mgoing to trust and acknowledge
(23:48):
my own experience first.
Now, what does this do?
Number one I hear a lot ofpeople come to me and they're
like but what if they're tellingthe truth?
What if it actually is thetruth.
And what if I'm the one that'swrong?
Well then you seek out thetruth and if you figure out
(24:10):
you're wrong, then you get toadmit it.
That's all there is to it.
But if you don't see any wayright now that you're in the
wrong, if every evidence istelling you something different
than what your partner's tellingyou, this is a good boundary to
have.
It's both a listening and atalking boundary, because you're
(24:32):
really listening to what theother person has to say, you're
really taking in the informationand you're putting it through
your own filters and you've gotto trust your filters.
And then you speak the truth.
Remember, any boundary that isset in truth is a very, very
(24:54):
good boundary.
And again, that boundary isthat's a very interesting
perspective.
I appreciate the share, but I'mgoing to trust and believe my
own experience here.
Well, they might throw a fit,they might yell, they might
scream Like how dare you?
(25:15):
And they most likely will.
They're all fit.
They might yell, they mightscream Like how dare you?
And they most likely will.
And then you get to say, ok, Ican tell you feel very strongly
about this.
But all that did was prove tome that I'm right.
(25:35):
All that did was.
Give me more proof in myexperience to the way I see it.
You don't waver on the boundaryEver.
It's so much better to admityou're wrong than ever waver on
(25:56):
your boundary, but only admityou're wrong when you can see
the logic.
If you are a true seeker, ifyou're a true seeker of truth
let me spit that one out Thenyou have no problem admitting
your faults, admitting when youhad it wrong, because you love
(26:32):
the truth, and the truth willonly give you more perspective,
more wisdom, more truth to setbetter and deeper boundaries.
In Boundary number two, I do notbeg for my needs to be met.
I can meet them just fine.
So when someone is withholdingphysical affection, they're
giving you the cold shoulderbecause maybe you set the first
boundary with them and theydon't like it, and so they walk
(26:53):
off in a huff and they're notgoing to talk to you until you
see things their way.
Guess what you still don't bend.
You go out and you meet yourown needs.
Take yourself on dates.
Go spend time with your friends.
Go spend time with your family,especially if they've been
(27:16):
trying to isolate you not yourfamily, but the narcissist.
If the narcissist has beentrying to isolate you go spend
time with them, go spend timewith that family.
Go spend time with your friends, go make new friends.
I do not beg for my needs to bemet.
I can meet them just fine, andthat's true.
You may not even be able tomeet them in this relationship,
(27:40):
but then at that point again,you're a seeker of truth.
Maybe this is not the bestrelationship for either one of
you, and then, if that's thecase, you've got to make some
decisions.
Maybe it's time to leave therelationship.
Number three that sounded reallydisrespectful and mocking.
(28:01):
I'm going to leave the room.
When you and I can have arespectful conversation where
both of us are listening to theother person, we'll continue.
Now, a narcissist can totallytry to turn this around and be
like well, you weren't beingrespectful to me.
Maybe I won't talk to you untilyou and I have a respectful
(28:22):
conversation, until you canrespect me.
Then you can literally say okayand walk away.
They're allowed to havewhatever experience they need to
have, but it was not you thatwas being disrespectful, or if
(28:47):
it was again, an okay answersthat as well.
You can admit to yourself okay,yeah, that was not the best
I've ever done, but I can dobetter, but I'm not going to do
better right now until mypartner is also willing to be
respectful.
Like I can't do better, untilthey're willing to be respectful
(29:11):
, I can still be respectful.
I'm going to respect myself.
Through respecting of myself, Irespect other people.
The actual fact of a narcissistis this is a person that has
very low self-respect, very lowself-confidence, and so they
have to over inflate it.
(29:32):
Okay, and so this is part ofthe reason two-way boundaries
work so well with them isbecause now they're being met
with confidence, they're gettingan unconfident no, and they
don't know how to handle thatwithout yelling, screaming,
throwing a big fit and literallyproving to you in every single
(29:53):
way that your boundary is spoton, that your boundary is spot
on.
So again, if you guys arehaving a conversation and it
turns into yelling and you dolose this respect in the moment,
an okay works.
But if you were the one that'sbeing respectful, an okay still
(30:15):
works, because you don't have toapologize for anything.
You get to wait for them tocome around and you, in the
meantime, you can need to startmaking some decisions again for
yourself.
Is this really the rightrelationship for you to be in?
(30:35):
Is this really the rightrelationship for you to be in?
Number four?
You are welcome to have thatexperience, but I'm choosing to
experience this instead.
Ok, in other words, they cansit there and they can try to
make all these digs at you.
(31:03):
Right, I had somebody close tome a while ago, like in the last
couple of years ago, who hassome narcissistic tendencies,
and they were angry at me and Idon't remember what for, but I
hadn't been disrespectful tothat person at all.
It was just because I didn'tbend to their will and I because
(31:24):
I knew that what they wanted meto do was not the right thing,
it didn't serve me, it didn'tserve my family, it just was not
.
It didn't serve them, it wasnot in anybody's best interest,
and so they threw this dig at me.
Right, like I sure would loveto be able to spend my entire
day in front of a computer,goofing around and messing
(31:46):
around and ignoring my family,right?
Well, my family is veryimportant to me.
So is my business.
They know this, and so theyintentionally tried to put a dig
there.
They know this, and so theyintentionally tried to put a dig
there.
So this is where this, thisboundary, came up.
You are welcome to believe thatif that makes you happy.
(32:09):
However, I'm still going to dothis Because I believe it's best
for everyone.
That person didn't talk to mefor a while and when they did
try to reinitiate theconversation, I simply again set
another boundary.
Hey, I went back to theactually number three boundary.
(32:30):
Hey, I'm totally willing to uhchat with you, but, um, last
time it didn't end up so well.
It ended up kind ofdisrespectful.
Do you think we can change that?
I would really love to have arespectful conversation with you
and so I'm just not going todeal with disrespect.
Can you abide by that?
(32:53):
Abide by that, okay.
Number five I'm not going tochange the plans that I already
have.
If you've made plans withfriends, if you've made plans
with family and they're tryingto isolate you, they'll try to
do it in the last minute.
They're going to be like hey,yeah, great, like they're going
(33:14):
to act like they.
They really approve, but thenthey're going to put you on a
major guilt trip when you act.
When the time actually comes toyou acting on those plans, the
important thing is is you followthrough with those plans.
The idea here is that you wantto make sure that the people
(33:37):
that are around you know thatyou cannot be manipulated, that
you will not be manipulated,that you rely on your experience
first, and the experience ofGod.
I always default to those two,but again, if you remember our
relational tiers, and again ifyou need a refresher, there's a
(34:03):
podcast specifically entitledthe Relational Tiers.
In this podcast you might haveto search for it a little bit,
but the first top two tiers is arelationship with God and a
relationship with self.
You need to rely on those twobefore you ever rely on the
(34:27):
experience or the life or themind of another person.
You can that.
No, that doesn't mean that youyou can't ask for opinions from
people that know maybe know moreabout a subject than what you
do, but you still need to takethe advice into your filters and
(34:51):
say to yourself okay, does thismatch with what I know to be
true already?
So there you have it.
Each one of the five boundariesthat totally derails a
narcissist.
Every single one of them has todo with the listening boundary
(35:12):
and the talking boundary,because, again, remember that
you really want to listen towhat the other person's saying,
but listen not only just tounderstand, like, yes, listen to
understand what the otherperson is saying and what is
their motive.
If their motive is to gaslight,belittle, isolate any of the
(35:36):
things that we talked aboutbefore, well, that's one of the
reasons why a listening boundaryis good.
It's because you'll hear that.
But remember to also speak withrespect.
If you're not being spoken towith respect, you still get to
speak respectfully, becausethat's another boundary that a
(35:58):
narcissist cannot understand.
They really, really strugglewith that.
Okay, and there's also a coupleof these that have the physical
and the energetic boundary inthem as well, because you are
protecting your physical space,you're protecting your energy.
(36:24):
This is why these boundaries areso powerful and why a
narcissist really cannot standthem.
They have no response exceptfor anger, frustration, trying
to do the same things thatthey've been doing, to try to
mentally manipulate you.
That's what they know, and whenit doesn't work, a narcissist
(36:44):
has no other tool in their toolbelt to try and manipulate and
try and keep their relationshiptogether.
Okay, my loves, I hope thatthis was helpful.
Again, I apologize if you guyscan hear my kiddos in the
background.
They're cute, they're wonderful, but they are total loud little
(37:05):
Aborigines that run around myhome.
But I definitely wanted to giveyou guys that information and
hope that you know it gives youa little bit more power if you
are someone that is in arelationship with a narcissist.
And again, remember that, whileit really stinks right now,
(37:29):
especially if you're goingthrough it, this can be
something that turns out foryour betterment.
Be something that turns out foryour betterment.
It is through hard times reallyhard times, sometimes our
trials that sometimes we findourselves and we understand how
(37:50):
powerful we truly are, and ifyou can keep your confidence
with these boundaries, that's apowerful thing and it's
something that you will learnand appreciate very deeply about
yourself.
This can connect you evendeeper to you and god.
Now, if you would love some helpwith this, don't forget I am
(38:14):
taking on clients.
Right now.
I have a one hour freeconsultation.
You are totally welcome toschedule that.
Come chat with me, tell mewhat's going on and see if I
can't help you in one hour.
All right, my loves.
Until next week, I'll see youon the other side.
(38:38):
Bye, guys.
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
(39:04):
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group, the Other Side of
(39:26):
the Struggle Healing fromBetrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
(39:50):
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
(40:13):
couples that are following me,because in that group, me and my
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
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