July 15, 2024 • 45 mins
Can betrayal trauma really disrupt your ability to thrive in your daily life? Discover the transformative steps toward healing as I walk you through essential practices such as self-care, honesty, and setting boundaries. With a focus on the unique challenges women face while balancing family, career, and personal roles, we’ll uncover how crucial it is to carve out time for trauma recovery to prevent it from overshadowing your joy and fulfillment.
We'll dive into the power of aligning your life with truth and honesty, drawing inspiration from the life of Jesus Christ to illustrate resilience amidst betrayal. Learn practical strategies like nutritional therapy and self-care routines to detoxify your body from trauma's effects. Plus, understand the vital role of community and connection in your healing journey. Join my free Facebook group and follow my Instagram page for continued support, resources, and updates on my programs. Don't miss out on reclaiming your joy and living your best life despite life’s inevitable hurdles.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:27):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the struggle.
All right, so I have to behonest with you.
I've had a lot of women come tome lately with this question.
A lot of you that have beenlistening to my podcast have got
(02:58):
busy lives and you know youcould be anywhere from just you
know a stay at home mom, and youknow you could be anywhere from
just you know, a stay-at-homemom taking care of the kids,
making sure the house isfunctioning, and that, in and of
itself, is a lot to do.
Two, somebody that has a fullcareer maybe has a couple of
(03:27):
different responsibilities onher plate, a couple of different
prestigious responsibilities onher plate.
I have talked to a range ofwomen who have been dealing with
betrayal, trauma and even menat this point, and one of the
biggest questions I get asked isthis very thing like how do I
keep up with my responsibilities, with this betrayal or with
this trauma, and I really feltlike this is something that
(03:49):
needed to be answered on thepodcast, because there's so many
of you that are dealing withthis that are coming to me.
They're like how do I do it,how do I do this, how do I keep
up?
And I'm going to tell you guysthe same thing I have told all
of these women, and it is.
(04:10):
It comes down to really threethings.
It's going to look like makingsure that you're taking time for
yourself, making sure thatyou're taking time for honesty
and your self-care andboundaries.
Now, saying that, okay, if yourlife is already hectic and it
(04:34):
most likely is sometimes whensomebody is like, well, you got
to take time for can be like areyou kidding me?
Like I don't have time as it isfor?
Can be like are you kidding meLike I don't have time as it is,
I don't have time for thistrauma, but yet it is totally
interjecting into my life.
Let me say a couple of thingsabout that.
(04:54):
One thing, number one women ingeneral bear the mental load in
the relationship.
Okay, and what I mean by thatis we're the ones that take care
of the schedules, we're theones that take care of
parent-teacher conferences.
Usually we're the ones that areout doing the grocery shopping,
(05:17):
doing the meal planning,kissing the boo-boos, driving
kids around here and there andeverywhere, were the ones that
are really responsible for thementality of the family and
getting everyone where they needto be.
And then you add on top nowthat possibly a woman might have
(05:40):
a career also taking care ofher family.
Maybe she's also got a coupleother prestigious things
happening.
I've had women come to me thathave been doctors, lawyers,
dentists and politicians at thispoint, talking to me about how
they have been betrayed.
(06:01):
These are all women that arealso balancing a family on their
plate, god-fearing women, andthey don't feel because they've
got this mental load happening,they don't feel like they have
the time to carve out, to dealwith this trauma.
(06:24):
Yet it is literally seeping inevery area of their lives.
They can't function because thetrauma is consistently there.
I have always said that justbecause you know you've got all
these prestigious things, justbecause you might know about
(06:47):
trauma, just because you mighteven coach about trauma.
Trauma doesn't completely leaveus.
It consistently shows up.
We have people in our livesthat maybe disappoint us.
They might betray us badly insome cases.
We have people that betraypeople we love and that we feel
(07:12):
that betrayal.
We're connected.
We are connected in ways andespecially today, that is never
being heard of by people in thepast.
We have such connection, wehave such relationships that is
(07:33):
so easy for trauma to come intous.
Pornography, sex trade like,possibly, affairs, like there's
lots of different ways forpeople to be hurt nowadays, and
(07:55):
I get it, I totally, totally getit.
Like none of us are going tocome through this life unscathed
and whether it be by our ownchoices or the choices of
someone, someone else, traumahappens.
But let me say this that if youhave a major trauma in your life
(08:17):
, it is time for you to starttaking some time to solve it.
Otherwise it's going to be inyour face, consistently hounding
at you, pounding at you like apersistent headache, something
(08:43):
you can't ignore, something youcan't ignore, and it's going to
be really hard to function andlive your day-to-day life if you
are not very intentional abouttaking time to solve this.
You've got to understand thatyour time is going to look a
little different.
I get that.
You've got a schedule and it'sdown to the minute, down to the
(09:06):
wire, piece by piece.
You're living for your career.
You're living for your family.
Maybe you're living for yourparents, you're building a
business, you're building a life, you're even just building kids
.
There's so many things that areon your mind and on your plate
and you have responsibilitiesand you've got your schedule set
(09:31):
for all these responsibilities.
But if you don't take time nowto take care of this trauma,
what ends up happening is itseeps so deeply into your life
that you cannot continue tofunction.
So everything stops and itcomes to a screeching halt and
(09:52):
people wonder why you're notshowing up anymore.
When you have major traumas inyour life.
They don't get swept under therug.
They don't get swept under therug.
That's a whole lot like havinga buffalo in your kitchen with
all of the living room china orthe kitchen china, I should say
(10:15):
and asking him to hide under arug.
The buffalo is going to destroythat china.
If you don't take the time tostop whatever it is you're doing
and get him out of the house,you're probably going to have to
call in reinforcements, you'reprobably going to have to call
(10:38):
in the buffalo removing agencythe people that know what
they're doing to get him out ofyour kitchen.
But yet we don't treat traumathe same way.
We tend to think it'sinsignificant, but yet we know
(10:59):
it's not.
We want it to be, but it's sobig and it's smashing things and
we're begging for help and it's.
If this is the case, if this iswhere you're at, there is no
(11:20):
other way to handle this than toactually get intentional and
start taking the time.
For example, when I firststarted healing my trauma, I was
a stay-at-home mom.
Uh, I was substitute teachingbecause, um, I went to school to
(11:42):
become an elementary educator,actually, and my whole life like
I had three little boys at thetime and my whole life had just
come to a screeching halt.
I was feeling so incrediblybetrayed by people around me and
(12:07):
the trauma was so big and sobold and, just like that buffalo
in the kitchen, it was smashingeverything in my life and I
stopped functioning.
I wasn't able to do the thingsthat I needed to do for my kids,
my family.
I wasn't even able to think.
All I wanted to do was escape.
I couldn't even live life forme, I couldn't live life for my
(12:32):
kids.
I couldn't, and that was onething I remember saying
consistently is I could not.
I had been to therapists, andnothing against therapists, okay
, I just I had been to them.
I had tried taking time, butnothing was working.
(12:54):
But nothing was working.
Nothing was actually stoppingthe trauma, because I had
thought at the time that thetrauma needed to be stopped by
stopping the people creating thetrauma.
What I didn't realize is that Ihad to take time to look at
(13:20):
life a whole different way.
This is where you know, mystory really starts with healing
trauma.
You've heard me talk about meyelling at God for five, six
hours at night and finallycoming to the conclusion that I
(13:41):
needed to focus instead on notwhat was going wrong, but on
doing god's will and what thatreally looked like.
I've had this question too.
How did you know it was god'swill?
Well, number one am I doinggood?
If, is what I'm putting outthere actually changing lives?
Is what I'm doing, what I'msaying, creating a difference?
(14:05):
Helping someone else, givingsomebody else a hand up, helping
somebody else realize how goodthey are, how great God is and
how he's working in their lives?
Am I doing that?
If I'm not, am I not doing itfor myself?
(14:28):
I can tell you I wasn't, and soI had to do something different
, and I looked at my calendarand I was like I don't know
where the heck I'm going to fitin me.
Time to reflect, time to think,time to study scriptures, time
(14:49):
to study the pains of others andhow they healed, and the only
thing I could see at the timewas I needed to start getting up
really early, and I did.
(15:10):
I would start getting up at 4am and I started working on the
four main energies, which isyour spiritual energy, your
mental energy, emotional energy,energy and your physical energy
.
I took time to do some exercise.
I took time to read scriptures,I took time to read books like
(15:34):
Think and Grow Rich or the SevenHabits of Highly Successful
People and basically self-helpbooks.
Rich Dad, poor Dad, all thatkind of stuff, right, all these
books that we know well of howto Win Friends and Influence
People those are all books Iread during that time.
(15:54):
People those were all books Iread during that time.
Another really great one I readduring that time and I really
highly recommend it if you'redealing with trauma is the Peace
Giver.
That was a major, majorbreakthrough book for someone
dealing with trauma.
So I read all those, startedworking on my physical energy,
(16:18):
my mental energy, my spiritualenergy and all of a sudden my
emotional energy started to comeup as well.
I started feeling like I hadmore ability and more freedom
and more room to move room tomove.
When I started focusing onthese things.
(16:38):
I was doing journaling, lettersto God, all of these different
things and trying to, instead offocusing on what was wrong,
focusing on the pieces that wereright, and even though it
looked like my life wasabsolutely shattered, completely
in tatters, there was one thingthat was constant.
(17:03):
If you haven't listened to therelational tears, I totally
suggest you go down the podcastplaylist.
Guys, we're at podcast like 110or something like that at this
moment, so it's down there aways.
But the relational tiers Iwould definitely tell you to
listen to that one again in thispodcast as well as this podcast
(17:28):
, because it gives you the ideaof like what your four main
relationships are.
So often, people are focusedinstead on the others tier and
the abundance tier.
It happens all the time, butthose are the results tiers.
We really need to focus on thegod tier and the self tier, and
(17:51):
when we are living for god, helives for us and life begins to
change.
Life begins to shift verydifferently.
We're able to do thingsdifferently, see things
differently and get a differentperspective.
Maybe it is time to leave thatcheating spouse.
(18:15):
Maybe it is time to cut backhours at the office.
Maybe it is time to dosomething different.
Maybe it's time to rearrangeyour schedule.
Find where we have the freedom,because if we're not taking
time to heal again, the buffalois going to stay in the kitchen
(18:40):
and I'm pretty sure trying tomake meals with him and get
everybody around the table isgoing to be difficult.
It's time also to get honestwith yourself.
Trauma cannot thrive in honesty.
Trauma cannot thrive in honesty.
(19:02):
It has a very, very hard timethriving in truth.
When we are living for truth,we tend to see far less traumas.
Now you might say, okay, well,talk to me then about the story
(19:22):
of Jesus Christ.
Right, here's a man who focusedsolely, dedicated his life
completely to, and lived anddied for truth.
Yet he was someone who also wasdealt the biggest and the worst
traumas and betrayals.
Yes, that's true.
(19:46):
Just because we focus on truthdoesn't mean that trauma still
isn't going to come our way.
But think about his end result.
He never wavered from who hewas.
See, when we don't take time forhonesty and we've got this
trauma that's consistently inour lives consistently in our
(20:10):
paths, consistently throwing usall that buffalo in the kitchen
right, throwing a saw thatbuffalo in the kitchen right.
We tend to start believingthings about ourselves that are
(20:37):
not true.
My loves, that's major.
We tend to believe things likewho am I to take this on?
Who am I?
Why would I?
I'm not good enough, and weseek for validation in all the
(21:01):
wrong areas.
Validation can be a verydangerous thing if you were
using it to validate the wrongthings, such as and this is what
trauma does does.
It validates the wrong things,such as how we're not good
enough, how we're not capable,how we're not meant to, and it
(21:26):
stops our ability to do the goodin the world.
Validation is wonderful whenwe're validating the right
things, but it doesn't happen ifwe're consistently focused
instead on the trauma.
(21:48):
Christ did not focus on histrauma.
He instead focused on who hewas, who God created him to be,
and nothing stood in his wayDidn't mean he didn't get hurt,
didn't mean he didn't feel hurt,and it definitely didn't mean
(22:11):
he didn't feel betrayed.
Think about when he looked toSimon Peter and says will you
lead me too?
What a vulnerable moment, whata beautiful moment for the
Savior to show us that he is avulnerable person.
He understood vulnerability.
He wasn't afraid of it.
(22:32):
He wasn't afraid to show it.
He wasn't afraid to show itno-transcript how much he
trusted him.
He was one of the apostles thatwas in the Garden of Gethsemane
(22:54):
, asleep at the tree.
And the love that the Saviorfelt in just simply saying the
spirit is willing, but the fleshis weak.
He focused on who he trusted.
He focused on who was going tobe there for him through thick
and thin.
He focused on God.
(23:16):
He focused on the rightrelationships and he focused on
validating himself in the truthand in honesty.
And when the betrayal was saidand done, he was lifted on the
cross.
He died and was resurrected asthe true self, the true being,
(23:42):
the savior of mankind, becausehe never lost sight.
He never lost sight.
He never lost sight.
And it's a challenge to seethese things when we are still
trying to live the same patternand the same life that we had
(24:04):
before the trauma, when we'restill trying to go at that same
pace before the trauma, whenwe're still trying to go at that
same pace.
It is time to take time forthis.
It will not be ignored.
The last thing.
(24:27):
It's also time to do some majorself-care and restructuring of
boundaries.
Self-care, yes, does look likemassages, facials, all of those
things.
I highly recommend them becausetrauma is something that
actually can get trapped in yourcells.
Your brain, when it's in trauma, releases hormones, and when
(24:49):
those hormones are released to acertain degree, they become
toxic to the body and the bodyresponds likewise in
inflammation, fat cells trappingthem, and so, like, our
adrenals get sluggish, our braingets sluggish, our thyroid
(25:09):
stops working, we gain weight,we lose weight.
Our bodies just really start tofeel broken down.
I can tell when somebody is inthis state on the calls with me
because they look so tired.
Their eyes are just blinkingand just so overwhelmed and so
(25:38):
bogged down by what's happened.
This is the state where thebody is completely starting to
shut down, and that's not a goodthing.
Massage, facials all thosethings actually do help break
down harmful chemicals, harmfultoxins and harmful hormones that
(26:11):
have been trapped in our bodies, so they can actually start
flushing them out.
You're looking at doing somereally, really serious nutrition
care.
Someone who's been dealing withmassive trauma is also someone
who really needs to be dealingwith massive nutritional therapy
.
We're talking about lots andlots and lots of smoothies, live
(26:37):
juicing salads, things likethat, when you're dealing with
trauma, because you need thenutrition to be able to rebuild,
because you need the nutritionto be able to rebuild.
But I'm also again talkingabout carving out time for
(26:59):
yourself.
Ideally, someone who has beendealing with a major trauma in
their lives needs easily 10hours a week to focus on healing
.
It's a whole lot like askingsomeone say that you're a trauma
ER doctor.
(27:21):
They come in they've just beenin a major, major accident,
total crash and burn, maybe it'syour colleague and they come in
.
They're laying on thisstretcher and they keep trying
to get up off the bed becausethey have a schedule to keep.
(27:42):
Eventually, that doctor isgoing to sedate the patient,
possibly even put them in amedically induced coma.
So that way, the body can focusnot on the schedule but on the
healing.
The schedule can be rebuilt,but the healing won't happen
(28:07):
until we give it the time to doso.
But the healing won't happenuntil we give it the time to do
so.
I will tell you that this is oneof the things that most people
really struggle with whendealing with betrayal.
Trauma is taking the time toheal Because they have so many
(28:28):
other things happening in theirlives, but those things will
eventually fall out of yourlives if you don't balance your
time to be able to heal, if youdon't give yourself some grace.
Even now, I still deal withtrauma and I have six kids, a
(28:51):
husband, an online business, aspeaking career, a book I'm
putting out.
Yeah, guys, that's a bigannouncement.
Yes, I am putting out a bookand I'll be telling you more
about it as we get closer to it.
But I've got all of these thingsthat I'm doing and once in a
(29:14):
while, something completelyfalls through the cracks, like
an email or like my marketing orsomething.
Now I could totally get on mycase and be like how dare you,
how dare you not do these things?
These are all essential foryour business.
But, my loves, let me tell yousomething I also know that if I
(29:35):
put my schedule above my healingand health, eventually the will
go away without my say-so.
Things will change in ways thatI have no say in the matter.
(30:03):
So if I still have a say, thenI better say it's time to do
some healing.
I better take the time to dealwith this problem, because it
won't go away on its own.
I can rebuild and restructuremy schedule, but if I don't take
the time, eventually the healthand the healing will completely
(30:33):
take over my life, and I'm notwilling for that to happen.
I've got too many things goingon that I love.
I want to be there for my kids.
I want to be there for myclients.
I want to be there for mylisteners.
I want to be there for theclients.
I want to be there for mylisteners.
I want to be there for thepeople that need me to be there.
(30:54):
I want to be a voice for good.
I want to be a voice for reason.
I want to be a voice for God Tobring hope into your lives and
into the lives of so many others.
I don't have the ability to besilenced.
I don't want to be silenced,but if I don't take the time to
(31:17):
consistently work throughtraumas and trials and
tribulations, if I'm notactually being intentional and
carving out the time, then thehealing will take precedence
over my schedule.
I won't be able to balance themboth.
(31:44):
This is where we come down to atime boundary.
If you've listened to mypodcast before, again go
reference the boundaries, whereI talk about the seven main
types of boundaries.
Your time boundary must be inplace when it comes to healing
trauma, because if youconsistently put your schedule
(32:09):
and everything that's going onin your life above yourself and
your healing, everything isriding on your shoulders.
You cannot kill the goldengoose and expect golden eggs
after the goose is dead.
So what are your timeboundaries?
(32:32):
What are you willing to do andwhat are you not willing to do?
And the what-nots?
Do they actually matter?
Maybe, if you're working 60hours a week, maybe you need to
(32:54):
cut it back to 45.
Maybe you do need to ask forsomeone else to come in and be a
personal assistant to you andbe a personal assistant to you.
(33:14):
What do you absolutely need todo with your time so you're not
having so many things thrown atyou?
What are you willing to do?
Because, remember, boundariesare all about that one thing.
It's not about trying to getsomebody else to do, because,
remember, boundaries are allabout that one thing.
It's not about trying to getsomebody else to change.
It's not about getting somebodyelse to do something
(33:36):
differently.
Boundaries are there for youand dictate how you are going to
act, so that way, you stay inalignment with your values,
vision, purpose and path, andyour time needs to reflect that.
(33:57):
Remember that resistance if youfeel like you have to push and
push and push and push and pushto get somewhere.
The only time we really arepushing is if we are resisting.
Resistance is when we feel likewe have to hold, lock our arm
(34:19):
and push something away.
Keep it at a distance.
Please remember, though, withevery single trauma there is a
lesson.
With every single trial thereis a lesson.
With every single tribulationthere is a lesson, but if we
(34:48):
don't take the time to hearthose lessons, we actually do
stay stuck in those cycles oftrauma.
I'm not saying you guys have toget up at 4 am that was my
personal choice but you do needquiet time, time for you to
reflect, time for you to journal, time for you to get clear on
what it is you actually do wantand what is happening instead.
(35:08):
And what is happening insteadand, possibly, what do you need
to do.
I had a sweet, sweet gal contactme not long ago.
She was a very prestigiousdoctor, also an elected official
, and her husband had been aprestigious doctor, also an
(35:33):
elected official, and herhusband had been had a lot of
infidelity.
Actually, she didn't want toleave him, and I'm not one to
say that that's something thathas to happen.
I would have personally, but itis what it is.
That's something that has tohappen, I would have personally,
but it is what it is.
(35:57):
But one of the things that wetalked about is this idea of
taking the time.
Her time was already very, veryburdened, very, very stretched
thin, and then she had thebuffalo thrown into the kitchen
several buffalo in this instance.
Each buffalo needed to beremoved, one at a time, and it
(36:23):
was overwhelming.
So we talked about the timeboundary.
So we talked about the timeboundary.
What was her time like?
What was she focused on andwhat did she need to do?
And we talked about delegation.
(36:47):
Maybe she needed an assistantin her civic duties.
Maybe she needed a physician'sassistant to help take some of
the load off of her work plate.
She needed support somewhere sothat way she could take the
time to really consider what itis she wanted and what she was
(37:09):
willing to do about it.
Time is an essential commoditywhen it comes to dealing with
any type of trauma.
Maybe we will have to sacrificesome major things, some major
(37:31):
responsibilities.
Maybe we are going to have toask for somebody else to step in
and take over the rolecompletely.
But instead of looking at thenow, look at how powerful that
will be for you when you comeback to that role, because
(37:59):
you're going to understandthings that nobody else
understands Because you took thetime.
Alright, my loves, I hope thisfinds you well.
Please remember, if you needhelp, if you need support, don't
hesitate.
Please hop on a call with me.
I am taking on clients rightnow.
(38:23):
Let me see if I can't help yousolve some of your problem in
your trauma as well.
All right, my loves.
Until then, I'll see you on theother side.
(38:44):
Bye.
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(39:08):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(39:32):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post any time that Ihave groups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(39:55):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can go hang out in my group.
Go connect with the ladies thatare there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
couples that are following me,because in that group me and my
(40:16):
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:27):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the struggle.
All right, so I have to behonest with you.
I've had a lot of women come tome lately with this question.
A lot of you that have beenlistening to my podcast have got
(02:58):
busy lives and you know youcould be anywhere from just you
know a stay at home mom, and youknow you could be anywhere from
just you know, a stay-at-homemom taking care of the kids,
making sure the house isfunctioning, and that, in and of
itself, is a lot to do.
Two, somebody that has a fullcareer maybe has a couple of
(03:27):
different responsibilities onher plate, a couple of different
prestigious responsibilities onher plate.
I have talked to a range ofwomen who have been dealing with
betrayal, trauma and even menat this point, and one of the
biggest questions I get asked isthis very thing like how do I
keep up with my responsibilities, with this betrayal or with
this trauma, and I really feltlike this is something that
(03:49):
needed to be answered on thepodcast, because there's so many
of you that are dealing withthis that are coming to me.
They're like how do I do it,how do I do this, how do I keep
up?
And I'm going to tell you guysthe same thing I have told all
of these women, and it is.
(04:10):
It comes down to really threethings.
It's going to look like makingsure that you're taking time for
yourself, making sure thatyou're taking time for honesty
and your self-care andboundaries.
Now, saying that, okay, if yourlife is already hectic and it
(04:34):
most likely is sometimes whensomebody is like, well, you got
to take time for can be like areyou kidding me?
Like I don't have time as it isfor?
Can be like are you kidding meLike I don't have time as it is,
I don't have time for thistrauma, but yet it is totally
interjecting into my life.
Let me say a couple of thingsabout that.
(04:54):
One thing, number one women ingeneral bear the mental load in
the relationship.
Okay, and what I mean by thatis we're the ones that take care
of the schedules, we're theones that take care of
parent-teacher conferences.
Usually we're the ones that areout doing the grocery shopping,
(05:17):
doing the meal planning,kissing the boo-boos, driving
kids around here and there andeverywhere, were the ones that
are really responsible for thementality of the family and
getting everyone where they needto be.
And then you add on top nowthat possibly a woman might have
(05:40):
a career also taking care ofher family.
Maybe she's also got a coupleother prestigious things
happening.
I've had women come to me thathave been doctors, lawyers,
dentists and politicians at thispoint, talking to me about how
they have been betrayed.
(06:01):
These are all women that arealso balancing a family on their
plate, god-fearing women, andthey don't feel because they've
got this mental load happening,they don't feel like they have
the time to carve out, to dealwith this trauma.
(06:24):
Yet it is literally seeping inevery area of their lives.
They can't function because thetrauma is consistently there.
I have always said that justbecause you know you've got all
these prestigious things, justbecause you might know about
(06:47):
trauma, just because you mighteven coach about trauma.
Trauma doesn't completely leaveus.
It consistently shows up.
We have people in our livesthat maybe disappoint us.
They might betray us badly insome cases.
We have people that betraypeople we love and that we feel
(07:12):
that betrayal.
We're connected.
We are connected in ways andespecially today, that is never
being heard of by people in thepast.
We have such connection, wehave such relationships that is
(07:33):
so easy for trauma to come intous.
Pornography, sex trade like,possibly, affairs, like there's
lots of different ways forpeople to be hurt nowadays, and
(07:55):
I get it, I totally, totally getit.
Like none of us are going tocome through this life unscathed
and whether it be by our ownchoices or the choices of
someone, someone else, traumahappens.
But let me say this that if youhave a major trauma in your life
(08:17):
, it is time for you to starttaking some time to solve it.
Otherwise it's going to be inyour face, consistently hounding
at you, pounding at you like apersistent headache, something
(08:43):
you can't ignore, something youcan't ignore, and it's going to
be really hard to function andlive your day-to-day life if you
are not very intentional abouttaking time to solve this.
You've got to understand thatyour time is going to look a
little different.
I get that.
You've got a schedule and it'sdown to the minute, down to the
(09:06):
wire, piece by piece.
You're living for your career.
You're living for your family.
Maybe you're living for yourparents, you're building a
business, you're building a life, you're even just building kids
.
There's so many things that areon your mind and on your plate
and you have responsibilitiesand you've got your schedule set
(09:31):
for all these responsibilities.
But if you don't take time nowto take care of this trauma,
what ends up happening is itseeps so deeply into your life
that you cannot continue tofunction.
So everything stops and itcomes to a screeching halt and
(09:52):
people wonder why you're notshowing up anymore.
When you have major traumas inyour life.
They don't get swept under therug.
They don't get swept under therug.
That's a whole lot like havinga buffalo in your kitchen with
all of the living room china orthe kitchen china, I should say
(10:15):
and asking him to hide under arug.
The buffalo is going to destroythat china.
If you don't take the time tostop whatever it is you're doing
and get him out of the house,you're probably going to have to
call in reinforcements, you'reprobably going to have to call
(10:38):
in the buffalo removing agencythe people that know what
they're doing to get him out ofyour kitchen.
But yet we don't treat traumathe same way.
We tend to think it'sinsignificant, but yet we know
(10:59):
it's not.
We want it to be, but it's sobig and it's smashing things and
we're begging for help and it's.
If this is the case, if this iswhere you're at, there is no
(11:20):
other way to handle this than toactually get intentional and
start taking the time.
For example, when I firststarted healing my trauma, I was
a stay-at-home mom.
Uh, I was substitute teachingbecause, um, I went to school to
(11:42):
become an elementary educator,actually, and my whole life like
I had three little boys at thetime and my whole life had just
come to a screeching halt.
I was feeling so incrediblybetrayed by people around me and
(12:07):
the trauma was so big and sobold and, just like that buffalo
in the kitchen, it was smashingeverything in my life and I
stopped functioning.
I wasn't able to do the thingsthat I needed to do for my kids,
my family.
I wasn't even able to think.
All I wanted to do was escape.
I couldn't even live life forme, I couldn't live life for my
(12:32):
kids.
I couldn't, and that was onething I remember saying
consistently is I could not.
I had been to therapists, andnothing against therapists, okay
, I just I had been to them.
I had tried taking time, butnothing was working.
(12:54):
But nothing was working.
Nothing was actually stoppingthe trauma, because I had
thought at the time that thetrauma needed to be stopped by
stopping the people creating thetrauma.
What I didn't realize is that Ihad to take time to look at
(13:20):
life a whole different way.
This is where you know, mystory really starts with healing
trauma.
You've heard me talk about meyelling at God for five, six
hours at night and finallycoming to the conclusion that I
(13:41):
needed to focus instead on notwhat was going wrong, but on
doing god's will and what thatreally looked like.
I've had this question too.
How did you know it was god'swill?
Well, number one am I doinggood?
If, is what I'm putting outthere actually changing lives?
Is what I'm doing, what I'msaying, creating a difference?
(14:05):
Helping someone else, givingsomebody else a hand up, helping
somebody else realize how goodthey are, how great God is and
how he's working in their lives?
Am I doing that?
If I'm not, am I not doing itfor myself?
(14:28):
I can tell you I wasn't, and soI had to do something different
, and I looked at my calendarand I was like I don't know
where the heck I'm going to fitin me.
Time to reflect, time to think,time to study scriptures, time
(14:49):
to study the pains of others andhow they healed, and the only
thing I could see at the timewas I needed to start getting up
really early, and I did.
(15:10):
I would start getting up at 4am and I started working on the
four main energies, which isyour spiritual energy, your
mental energy, emotional energy,energy and your physical energy
.
I took time to do some exercise.
I took time to read scriptures,I took time to read books like
(15:34):
Think and Grow Rich or the SevenHabits of Highly Successful
People and basically self-helpbooks.
Rich Dad, poor Dad, all thatkind of stuff, right, all these
books that we know well of howto Win Friends and Influence
People those are all books Iread during that time.
(15:54):
People those were all books Iread during that time.
Another really great one I readduring that time and I really
highly recommend it if you'redealing with trauma is the Peace
Giver.
That was a major, majorbreakthrough book for someone
dealing with trauma.
So I read all those, startedworking on my physical energy,
(16:18):
my mental energy, my spiritualenergy and all of a sudden my
emotional energy started to comeup as well.
I started feeling like I hadmore ability and more freedom
and more room to move room tomove.
When I started focusing onthese things.
(16:38):
I was doing journaling, lettersto God, all of these different
things and trying to, instead offocusing on what was wrong,
focusing on the pieces that wereright, and even though it
looked like my life wasabsolutely shattered, completely
in tatters, there was one thingthat was constant.
(17:03):
If you haven't listened to therelational tears, I totally
suggest you go down the podcastplaylist.
Guys, we're at podcast like 110or something like that at this
moment, so it's down there aways.
But the relational tiers Iwould definitely tell you to
listen to that one again in thispodcast as well as this podcast
(17:28):
, because it gives you the ideaof like what your four main
relationships are.
So often, people are focusedinstead on the others tier and
the abundance tier.
It happens all the time, butthose are the results tiers.
We really need to focus on thegod tier and the self tier, and
(17:51):
when we are living for god, helives for us and life begins to
change.
Life begins to shift verydifferently.
We're able to do thingsdifferently, see things
differently and get a differentperspective.
Maybe it is time to leave thatcheating spouse.
(18:15):
Maybe it is time to cut backhours at the office.
Maybe it is time to dosomething different.
Maybe it's time to rearrangeyour schedule.
Find where we have the freedom,because if we're not taking
time to heal again, the buffalois going to stay in the kitchen
(18:40):
and I'm pretty sure trying tomake meals with him and get
everybody around the table isgoing to be difficult.
It's time also to get honestwith yourself.
Trauma cannot thrive in honesty.
Trauma cannot thrive in honesty.
(19:02):
It has a very, very hard timethriving in truth.
When we are living for truth,we tend to see far less traumas.
Now you might say, okay, well,talk to me then about the story
(19:22):
of Jesus Christ.
Right, here's a man who focusedsolely, dedicated his life
completely to, and lived anddied for truth.
Yet he was someone who also wasdealt the biggest and the worst
traumas and betrayals.
Yes, that's true.
(19:46):
Just because we focus on truthdoesn't mean that trauma still
isn't going to come our way.
But think about his end result.
He never wavered from who hewas.
See, when we don't take time forhonesty and we've got this
trauma that's consistently inour lives consistently in our
(20:10):
paths, consistently throwing usall that buffalo in the kitchen
right, throwing a saw thatbuffalo in the kitchen right.
We tend to start believingthings about ourselves that are
(20:37):
not true.
My loves, that's major.
We tend to believe things likewho am I to take this on?
Who am I?
Why would I?
I'm not good enough, and weseek for validation in all the
(21:01):
wrong areas.
Validation can be a verydangerous thing if you were
using it to validate the wrongthings, such as and this is what
trauma does does.
It validates the wrong things,such as how we're not good
enough, how we're not capable,how we're not meant to, and it
(21:26):
stops our ability to do the goodin the world.
Validation is wonderful whenwe're validating the right
things, but it doesn't happen ifwe're consistently focused
instead on the trauma.
(21:48):
Christ did not focus on histrauma.
He instead focused on who hewas, who God created him to be,
and nothing stood in his wayDidn't mean he didn't get hurt,
didn't mean he didn't feel hurt,and it definitely didn't mean
(22:11):
he didn't feel betrayed.
Think about when he looked toSimon Peter and says will you
lead me too?
What a vulnerable moment, whata beautiful moment for the
Savior to show us that he is avulnerable person.
He understood vulnerability.
He wasn't afraid of it.
(22:32):
He wasn't afraid to show it.
He wasn't afraid to show itno-transcript how much he
trusted him.
He was one of the apostles thatwas in the Garden of Gethsemane
(22:54):
, asleep at the tree.
And the love that the Saviorfelt in just simply saying the
spirit is willing, but the fleshis weak.
He focused on who he trusted.
He focused on who was going tobe there for him through thick
and thin.
He focused on God.
(23:16):
He focused on the rightrelationships and he focused on
validating himself in the truthand in honesty.
And when the betrayal was saidand done, he was lifted on the
cross.
He died and was resurrected asthe true self, the true being,
(23:42):
the savior of mankind, becausehe never lost sight.
He never lost sight.
He never lost sight.
And it's a challenge to seethese things when we are still
trying to live the same patternand the same life that we had
(24:04):
before the trauma, when we'restill trying to go at that same
pace before the trauma, whenwe're still trying to go at that
same pace.
It is time to take time forthis.
It will not be ignored.
The last thing.
(24:27):
It's also time to do some majorself-care and restructuring of
boundaries.
Self-care, yes, does look likemassages, facials, all of those
things.
I highly recommend them becausetrauma is something that
actually can get trapped in yourcells.
Your brain, when it's in trauma, releases hormones, and when
(24:49):
those hormones are released to acertain degree, they become
toxic to the body and the bodyresponds likewise in
inflammation, fat cells trappingthem, and so, like, our
adrenals get sluggish, our braingets sluggish, our thyroid
(25:09):
stops working, we gain weight,we lose weight.
Our bodies just really start tofeel broken down.
I can tell when somebody is inthis state on the calls with me
because they look so tired.
Their eyes are just blinkingand just so overwhelmed and so
(25:38):
bogged down by what's happened.
This is the state where thebody is completely starting to
shut down, and that's not a goodthing.
Massage, facials all thosethings actually do help break
down harmful chemicals, harmfultoxins and harmful hormones that
(26:11):
have been trapped in our bodies, so they can actually start
flushing them out.
You're looking at doing somereally, really serious nutrition
care.
Someone who's been dealing withmassive trauma is also someone
who really needs to be dealingwith massive nutritional therapy
.
We're talking about lots andlots and lots of smoothies, live
(26:37):
juicing salads, things likethat, when you're dealing with
trauma, because you need thenutrition to be able to rebuild,
because you need the nutritionto be able to rebuild.
But I'm also again talkingabout carving out time for
(26:59):
yourself.
Ideally, someone who has beendealing with a major trauma in
their lives needs easily 10hours a week to focus on healing
.
It's a whole lot like askingsomeone say that you're a trauma
ER doctor.
(27:21):
They come in they've just beenin a major, major accident,
total crash and burn, maybe it'syour colleague and they come in
.
They're laying on thisstretcher and they keep trying
to get up off the bed becausethey have a schedule to keep.
(27:42):
Eventually, that doctor isgoing to sedate the patient,
possibly even put them in amedically induced coma.
So that way, the body can focusnot on the schedule but on the
healing.
The schedule can be rebuilt,but the healing won't happen
(28:07):
until we give it the time to doso.
But the healing won't happenuntil we give it the time to do
so.
I will tell you that this is oneof the things that most people
really struggle with whendealing with betrayal.
Trauma is taking the time toheal Because they have so many
(28:28):
other things happening in theirlives, but those things will
eventually fall out of yourlives if you don't balance your
time to be able to heal, if youdon't give yourself some grace.
Even now, I still deal withtrauma and I have six kids, a
(28:51):
husband, an online business, aspeaking career, a book I'm
putting out.
Yeah, guys, that's a bigannouncement.
Yes, I am putting out a bookand I'll be telling you more
about it as we get closer to it.
But I've got all of these thingsthat I'm doing and once in a
(29:14):
while, something completelyfalls through the cracks, like
an email or like my marketing orsomething.
Now I could totally get on mycase and be like how dare you,
how dare you not do these things?
These are all essential foryour business.
But, my loves, let me tell yousomething I also know that if I
(29:35):
put my schedule above my healingand health, eventually the will
go away without my say-so.
Things will change in ways thatI have no say in the matter.
(30:03):
So if I still have a say, thenI better say it's time to do
some healing.
I better take the time to dealwith this problem, because it
won't go away on its own.
I can rebuild and restructuremy schedule, but if I don't take
the time, eventually the healthand the healing will completely
(30:33):
take over my life, and I'm notwilling for that to happen.
I've got too many things goingon that I love.
I want to be there for my kids.
I want to be there for myclients.
I want to be there for mylisteners.
I want to be there for theclients.
I want to be there for mylisteners.
I want to be there for thepeople that need me to be there.
(30:54):
I want to be a voice for good.
I want to be a voice for reason.
I want to be a voice for God Tobring hope into your lives and
into the lives of so many others.
I don't have the ability to besilenced.
I don't want to be silenced,but if I don't take the time to
(31:17):
consistently work throughtraumas and trials and
tribulations, if I'm notactually being intentional and
carving out the time, then thehealing will take precedence
over my schedule.
I won't be able to balance themboth.
(31:44):
This is where we come down to atime boundary.
If you've listened to mypodcast before, again go
reference the boundaries, whereI talk about the seven main
types of boundaries.
Your time boundary must be inplace when it comes to healing
trauma, because if youconsistently put your schedule
(32:09):
and everything that's going onin your life above yourself and
your healing, everything isriding on your shoulders.
You cannot kill the goldengoose and expect golden eggs
after the goose is dead.
So what are your timeboundaries?
(32:32):
What are you willing to do andwhat are you not willing to do?
And the what-nots?
Do they actually matter?
Maybe, if you're working 60hours a week, maybe you need to
(32:54):
cut it back to 45.
Maybe you do need to ask forsomeone else to come in and be a
personal assistant to you andbe a personal assistant to you.
(33:14):
What do you absolutely need todo with your time so you're not
having so many things thrown atyou?
What are you willing to do?
Because, remember, boundariesare all about that one thing.
It's not about trying to getsomebody else to do, because,
remember, boundaries are allabout that one thing.
It's not about trying to getsomebody else to change.
It's not about getting somebodyelse to do something
(33:36):
differently.
Boundaries are there for youand dictate how you are going to
act, so that way, you stay inalignment with your values,
vision, purpose and path, andyour time needs to reflect that.
(33:57):
Remember that resistance if youfeel like you have to push and
push and push and push and pushto get somewhere.
The only time we really arepushing is if we are resisting.
Resistance is when we feel likewe have to hold, lock our arm
(34:19):
and push something away.
Keep it at a distance.
Please remember, though, withevery single trauma there is a
lesson.
With every single trial thereis a lesson.
With every single tribulationthere is a lesson, but if we
(34:48):
don't take the time to hearthose lessons, we actually do
stay stuck in those cycles oftrauma.
I'm not saying you guys have toget up at 4 am that was my
personal choice but you do needquiet time, time for you to
reflect, time for you to journal, time for you to get clear on
what it is you actually do wantand what is happening instead.
(35:08):
And what is happening insteadand, possibly, what do you need
to do.
I had a sweet, sweet gal contactme not long ago.
She was a very prestigiousdoctor, also an elected official
, and her husband had been aprestigious doctor, also an
(35:33):
elected official, and herhusband had been had a lot of
infidelity.
Actually, she didn't want toleave him, and I'm not one to
say that that's something thathas to happen.
I would have personally, but itis what it is.
That's something that has tohappen, I would have personally,
but it is what it is.
(35:57):
But one of the things that wetalked about is this idea of
taking the time.
Her time was already very, veryburdened, very, very stretched
thin, and then she had thebuffalo thrown into the kitchen
several buffalo in this instance.
Each buffalo needed to beremoved, one at a time, and it
(36:23):
was overwhelming.
So we talked about the timeboundary.
So we talked about the timeboundary.
What was her time like?
What was she focused on andwhat did she need to do?
And we talked about delegation.
(36:47):
Maybe she needed an assistantin her civic duties.
Maybe she needed a physician'sassistant to help take some of
the load off of her work plate.
She needed support somewhere sothat way she could take the
time to really consider what itis she wanted and what she was
(37:09):
willing to do about it.
Time is an essential commoditywhen it comes to dealing with
any type of trauma.
Maybe we will have to sacrificesome major things, some major
(37:31):
responsibilities.
Maybe we are going to have toask for somebody else to step in
and take over the rolecompletely.
But instead of looking at thenow, look at how powerful that
will be for you when you comeback to that role, because
(37:59):
you're going to understandthings that nobody else
understands Because you took thetime.
Alright, my loves, I hope thisfinds you well.
Please remember, if you needhelp, if you need support, don't
hesitate.
Please hop on a call with me.
I am taking on clients rightnow.
(38:23):
Let me see if I can't help yousolve some of your problem in
your trauma as well.
All right, my loves.
Until then, I'll see you on theother side.
(38:44):
Bye.
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(39:08):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(39:32):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post any time that Ihave groups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(39:55):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can go hang out in my group.
Go connect with the ladies thatare there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
couples that are following me,because in that group me and my
(40:16):
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
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