June 3, 2024 • 41 mins
Have you ever felt betrayed by someone close to you, only to realize you might also be betraying yourself by not setting boundaries? Discover how our relationships often mirror our self-treatment in our latest episode. We unpack the profound importance of forgiving ourselves for our mistakes, particularly in the realm of betrayal and self-betrayal. By closely examining our behaviors and self-talk, we explore how to improve our relationship with ourselves, ultimately transforming how we interact with others. This journey towards self-awareness is not about excusing others' disrespectful actions but about recognizing our patterns and making conscious changes.
Embrace the transformative power of vulnerability and honesty, especially when learning from mistakes. We discuss how personal growth stems from owning our actions and understanding the perspectives of those we've hurt. For entrepreneurs, resilience and self-forgiveness are essential tools in handling the inevitable betrayals that come with the journey. We also share insights on maintaining consistency in your endeavors, no matter the occasional slip-ups. Plus, don’t miss out on our free resource: a PDF guide on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries to help you along this path to self-improvement. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a five-star rating to stay updated on all our enriching content!
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
Um, so, before we get intotoday's episode because this
one's a little bit interesting,you know when I'm like, oops, so
those britney spears fans, andyou know those who aren't.
Well, you're welcome.
Now I just totally putsomething in your head that's
(00:26):
going to be playing thereconsistently.
Sorry, anyway, but you know II've got to say, first and
foremost, thank you to youlisteners.
I am really close to hitting athousand downloads for the month
and I would love a little morelove.
(00:50):
So please share this podcast or, if you're on YouTube, please
share the videos.
You are welcome to like andsubscribe.
You are also welcome to givethis podcast a five-star rating,
and those are things that aregoing to help boost numbers for
me.
And so if you really do lovethe content that I'm sharing
(01:12):
with you and you're loving thispodcast and the different things
that I get to teach on here andit's really helping you, if you
can like and subscribe for meor go hit that five-star rating
on the podcast.
Either one, I would love it.
Now, with that, let's go aheadand dive right into today's
(01:33):
episode.
You know, forgiving ourselvesfor our mistakes Because, let's
face it, um, one of the thingsthat is very evident usually
people who come to me with, uh,betrayal trauma, uh, whether
(01:57):
they be female entrepreneurs orjust stay-at-home moms, or even
men, you know, I've coached alltypes and personalities of
(02:19):
people, right, and but one thingis that's very, very clear,
right, and but one thing isthat's very, very clear Is when
(02:54):
people are you kidding me, likereally, why would you do that?
And as I, you know, I gavemyself the time to get angry.
I gave myself the time to getangry, I gave myself the time to
(03:22):
think about it and, you know,just kind of gave myself the
time I needed to be able to kindof process what happened.
And, like I said, I'm not goingto go into detail because it
doesn't really matter whathappened, but as I was thinking
about these things, I'verealized that this particular
relationship, relationship I hadbeen giving way too much leeway
(04:10):
to, and what I mean by that isnot being completely honest with
how I was feeling about therelationship, because I kind of
felt like it wasn't going tomake a difference, like with
whatever I said.
I felt like they would puttheir experience over mine,
which they did.
They would put their experienceover mine, which they did, and
(04:30):
so I never really spoke up inthe relationship and that led to
a betrayal.
And the problem is, because Ididn't speak up in the
relationship, I did end upfeeling very betrayed.
But me not speaking up was alsoa self-betrayal.
(05:11):
I had betrayed myself just tomake the other person
comfortable.
Now, granted, luckily, thisother person is usually pretty
good to work with me on things,um, but I had to admit like that
was something I was doing.
(05:42):
We often don't see how we arebetraying ourselves in another
person's betrayal, because allwe're seeing is the other
person's betrayal.
And don't get me wrong, likeyou absolutely don't need to be
like, oh well, I betrayed myself, so I should be okay with their
betrayal.
No, not at all.
(06:02):
Right, you do not need to putup with with the bad habits, bad
behavior, the disrespect, thedismissal of anyone else.
Like, no, that's not OK.
But you also do need to realizethat our, our relationships are
(06:42):
a reflection of therelationship we have with
ourself and our self-talk.
And I can get into that onanother episode, like I could
probably do a whole otherpodcast episode on that, and so
I probably will.
But today I really just want totalk more or less about
forgiving our mistakes andforgiving ourselves for our
(07:05):
mistakes.
And why is that an importanttopic?
(07:35):
Well, number one we often allowother people to get away with
really shady and not respectfulthings towards us.
When we have a deep sense ofguilt, a deep sense of, well,
you know, I've made mistakes too, I'm making mistakes too.
(07:57):
Right, we can even sit thereand say well, I betrayed myself
too, so it doesn't matter.
When somebody else betrays usLike this is the human brain,
guys, right?
It loves to excuse the actionsof another person because we
(08:31):
realize that our own actionshave been out of alignment with
ourselves, and so we tend tothink that we deserve to be
ignored, neglected, punished,whatever it is going on with
this other relationship, becausewe're doing those things to
ourselves.
And that's not necessarily thecase.
(08:53):
Okay, and I should say that'snot the case at all, because the
truth of the matter is is yes,you do need to stop doing those
things to yourself.
Yes, you need to start beingyour own best friend.
Yes, you need to start showingup for yourself and loving
yourself.
Yes, please do those thingsRight.
And yes, it's also true thatour relationships are a
(09:18):
reflection of the way we treatourselves.
That being said, you still donot need to put up with somebody
else's stuff that is toxic toyou, because you realize that
(09:41):
you need to work on yourrelationship with yourself.
(10:05):
You know, I had a client whofelt like her relationships were
fine but she struggled, feelinglike they could support her.
Um, anytime she like theyneeded something from her, you
(10:27):
know she was there, she washelping them, trying, trying to
do everything that she could,but anytime she needed some help
, there was complaining andthere was hey, I'm too busy.
There was no, hey, I'm going todrop everything and come help
you, like she was doing withthem.
(10:47):
And so she was feeling like thesupport was very one-sided and
even though her relationshipswere usually fairly loving
towards her they were kind theyjust didn't really show up very
(11:08):
well for her right.
They didn't support her in theway that she was really needing
support.
And you know, we got taking alook at, maybe, how she wasn't
showing up to support herselfand we started finding some
(11:28):
things and I'll tell you whatthey were here in just a second,
but it was really interesting.
She said to me well, I can'tget angry at them because I'm
doing the same thing with me.
For me, like, oh my gosh, likeI'm so dumb, I'm sitting there
like didn't you hear anything.
(11:50):
You just said, right, sittingthere, like didn't you hear
anything.
He just said, right, because,like her, her home was cluttered
.
And you know she realized thatthe clutter and the clutter, by
the way, guys, is always atrauma response.
Again, another podcast, podcastepisode in that one, right, but
(12:14):
her home was cluttered.
She didn't really take time forherself.
She was ready to dropeverything for someone else but
struggled to do the same thingfor herself.
And as we got diving deeperinto it, she could see that she
wasn't giving herself thesupport she needed.
(12:36):
But one of the biggest thingsshe wasn't doing, or one of the
biggest things she was doing,was giving other people a past
and condemning herself, peoplepast and condemning herself.
(12:59):
And that, in that, is where herlack of support lied.
Right, she wasn't settingboundaries with the people she
loved and that loved her back.
Actually, they truly did, um,because she felt like she had to
(13:20):
give and give and give and giveand give and give and give.
So that way she would be seen.
And once she started giving toherself and when she started
really supporting herself andshe started saying no to them
when she couldn't really show up, when she couldn't really
(13:41):
support.
Right, the dynamic shiftedentirely in her relationships
and the people that she lovedand that she was serving started
to value her service a lot moreand started to see it as her
(14:05):
showing them that they matteredto her, and so, for that thing,
she started mattering more tothem and they started being able
to have a more supportiverelationship.
So it's just things like this,but the first thing she had to
do was forgive herself for herlack of support.
(14:25):
Right, and what I mean byforgiving it is for the giving.
We can see our own flaws, ourown faults, our own oops, I did
it agains, right, we can totallysee those things.
But it isn't until we forgivethose things that we start
(14:52):
actually seeing a major shiftand a major change in our
relationships.
That can be with your clients,that can be with your husband,
that can be with your children,your family, your neighbors,
whoever it is, your children,your family, your neighbors,
(15:14):
whoever it is until you startforgiving yourself and you start
loving yourself enough.
To number one, still takeaccountability, radical
accountability for the thingsthat you need to change, but
also giving yourself just amassive dose of self-compassion,
because you can understand andrecognize that you're still a
good person and you're stilllike your intentions were good.
(15:37):
Just the execution of it mighthave been a little off right,
and so we're just willing toadjust, we're willing to change
and we're willing to try again.
These are things that buildself-trust, my loves, and
(16:00):
self-trust is something thatalmost without fail, every
single one of my clientsstruggles with.
You know, I have clients thatbuild YouTube channels, you know
, and are major YouTubers.
I have clients who have amulti-million dollar business
right, I have really majorclients and I can tell you this
(16:21):
is something they all strugglewith.
And I also have clients thatare moms, who are stay-at-home
moms, who want a betterrelationship with their spouses,
who want to set betterboundaries and who also want to
set boundaries with their kids,without feeling like monster mom
.
Right, I get that, I've beenthere.
(16:44):
Right, I'm running a six-figurebusiness.
I am running a home, I'mrunning these things, so I
totally understand.
You know where a lot of thesepeople are coming from and,
without fail, they all strugglewith self-trust, self-compassion
and forgiving themselves,because whenever we make a
(17:14):
mistake, our brain tends to wantto find a meaning behind it.
And you know, I'm Christian andI'm going to tell you that I
100% believe that this is rightthere.
That's in that intersection,when the adversary comes in and
says you deserve to beunsupported.
(17:38):
Look at you, you stupid fool.
Why on earth do you thinkanybody else would love you?
Oh, you're totally not going tomake it.
Now.
That's when that comes in, andit's no wonder.
Why we doubt ourselves isbecause we're having a
vulnerable moment.
The adversary is using thatvulnerability and that weakness
(18:02):
to lie to us.
He's totally pouncing on it.
He's totally like delighting inour weak moments.
And then he comes in togaslight and manipulate us and
to mess with our head, and heloves doing it.
He knows what he's doing andbecause he's so good at making
(18:27):
it sound like our voice, webelieve it.
We buy it hook, line and sinker.
(19:00):
But it's not true wants meaningand so it assigns meaning and
that's right.
Like I said, right when thatadversary comes in to our
circumstance, even if themeaning isn't true, we make it
make sense in our head and thenall of a sudden, we're feeling
(19:20):
pretty low, we're afraid to takeaction and it pushes us further
away from the result that wereally truly want, that we
really truly want.
But what if the mistake didn'thave to mean anything negative?
(20:08):
What if it just simply meant itwas a mistake and that we get
to shift and we get to adjustand we need to learn?
What if that's all the mistakemeant?
See, the thing is is we need toanchor ourselves to truth, and
(20:32):
the truth of the matter is is weare beings of light.
I believe we're children of god.
You might choose to believe inyour highest form of love, but
somehow you're connected deeplyto that highest form of love,
and that love has also had aninterchangeable relationship
(20:52):
with you, where you have takenon some of the characteristics
of love that makes you a beingof light, and beings of light
love and need truth.
We feast at truth.
(21:14):
Our very souls desire and wanttruth.
We need it, and when somethingmakes us feel lower and less
trust in ourselves, we'resomewhere believing a lie, a big
(21:35):
one, about ourselves.
We're somewhere believing a lie, a big one, about ourselves.
And so this is why it's veryimportant to be very careful
about what you allow yourmistakes to mean and how you
allow those mistakes to affectyour relationships.
Because if you think thatbecause you've made mistakes and
(21:57):
you're imperfect, that you needto give other people who make
mistakes and are imperfect apass.
That's not true, and it doesn'tmean you need to give yourself
a pass either.
But if you would set a boundarywith them, you also need to set
(22:20):
a boundary with yourself,because a boundary set that is
not lived by ourselves isingenuine.
It's hypocritical.
So what we need to do is weneed to think to ourselves like
(22:41):
how do we really want ourrelationships to show up for us?
Then, before we can expect ourrelationships to show up that
way, we need to show up that way, first and foremost for
ourselves, because we must modelwhat it is we want given,
because for our own good.
Now we finally know what itlooks like, because we're doing
(23:04):
it for ourselves and we can seewhen somebody else is out of
alignment or maybe just notreally paying attention right to
the relationship and maybestepping on our toes a little
(23:26):
bit.
Right, then we can actuallyhelp them learn what respect
means.
And what's amazing is, peoplelove being respectful, they love
feeling respectful, they lovefeeling like hey, actually I can
take this.
I can handle being honest withmyself, I can handle being
(23:47):
vulnerable.
I can handle deep respect.
It makes you feel like afantastic human.
And what do fantastic humans do?
They go out and do fantasticthings.
Okay, so the mistake what doesit mean about you?
And then check in deeply to howit makes you feel what you take
(24:09):
the meaning on, as If it'smaking you feel pretty low.
It's not true.
What you have taken the meaningof the mistake to be is not
true.
However, when you take themistake to mean, okay, I have
(24:33):
some improvement here and youwork on that one area, a lot of
other areas improve as well andall of a sudden, overwhelm kind
of just tends to go away.
And this is one of the reasonstoo.
I say, if you really want toimprove your life and drop so
(25:04):
many mistakes, the best thing wecan do is turn our vision and
our light to God or your highestform of love, depending on what
you believe and who you'relistening to.
Right, because it simplifiesall of the things that we've got
to change, all of the things wehave to do better in.
It simplifies those things andinstead of having to do a
(25:24):
million different things all onour own, we tend to just kind of
do better naturally, and thethings that we thought we all
had to change kind of tend toeither change naturally,
effortlessly and easily, um, orthey kind of just go away, the
(25:52):
things that we don't like,because we tend to learn to like
ourselves.
Okay, all right.
Moving on, uh, number two, someother things you can do with.
Uh, forgiving your mistakes isnumber one.
You can either run from it oryou can learn from it.
Now we're talking about oldrafiki here.
You know, in in the lion king,when he smacks simba on the head
(26:13):
and Simba's like, yeah, but itstill hurts, and Rafiki's like,
oh, yeah, it's the past, can'thurt, right?
And Rafiki swings a stick athim again and he says you can
either run from it or you canlearn from it.
We are going to make mistakes.
(26:36):
You can run from them or youcan learn from them.
Running from them is making itmean something negative about
you.
That is running from yourmistakes.
And if you're running from yourmistakes, chances are you're
also running from yourrelationships, because you are
(27:00):
not going to do things perfectlyin any relationship.
As much as we try, as much as wewant to, there's going to be
times where we unintentionallystep on somebody else's toes.
It happens probably a littlemore frequently than what we
would like, but learning from itsimply is oh well, that did not
(27:24):
work the way I had expected itto, so what do I need to do
differently?
And so we take a step back andwe start seeing, like, what can
we actually extract from this?
How did it go wrong?
And that gives us deep wisdom.
(27:45):
You guys, mistakes are a goodthing as long as we're learning
from them.
They will build character.
They will build resilience.
They will build character.
They will build resilience.
They will build the fantastichuman, as long as we're willing
to learn from them and notreject ourselves and throw the
baby out with the bathwatersimply because we made a mistake
(28:07):
.
Okay, and what do we do whenwe've made a mistake in a very
cherished relationship?
Well, obviously, we forgiveourselves right and we own it.
It's really important to ownour mistakes, own our problems,
(28:31):
own our lives.
It's very important to do thosethings.
And if you've unintentionallyhurt someone, well, a fantastic
human listens to how they'veunintentionally hurt, tries to
understand from the otherperson's perspective and
reiterates until they truly dounderstand.
(28:54):
And it's only after theyunderstand do they try to
explain things from their side.
So what happens when mistakeshave been made and you are the
fall guy?
And this often happens with ahusband who's kind of just not
(29:19):
there, either because he'sheavily into porn or his own
emotions are so large that itcauses neglect or you can even
have this happen with clients,right?
Clients?
How many times do they step onentrepreneurs toes?
I've said it so many timesentrepreneurs are by far the
(29:40):
group of people that experiencethe most betrayal and I'm not
even joking, and it's justbecause we have so many more
relationships that we have todeal with than you know just
just people who don't buildbusinesses, who aren't
entrepreneurs, who aren'tinfluencers.
We get betrayed by audiences.
(30:01):
We get betrayed by our clients.
We get betrayed a lot actually.
But you can run from it or youcan learn from it.
Okay, my loves, I hope this washelpful.
(30:26):
Don't beat yourself up too muchover mistakes.
Mistakes happen.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
I know Mistakes happen.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
I know I've been prettyconsistent with my podcast, but
I totally forgot to send out anemail last week and yeah, whoops
(30:48):
, I did it again.
Right, I can get prettyirritated with myself over that,
or I can quickly forgive myselfand get back to posting and
(31:08):
make sure I'm bringing reallygreat content.
And also, if you guys wouldlove to get on my email list,
because in in that newsletter Ialso give out a lot more
freebies.
I also do a lot more teaching.
We talk about the podcast onthere.
Let me know, go ahead.
And in the description belowthere is a link for my Clarify
(31:33):
and Create your Boundaries PDF.
And, by the way, guys, I've gota couple more really excellent
PDFs in the works and coming, sobe watching for those.
Some more freebies.
I love freebies, right, but ifyou go sign up for that Clarify
and Create your Boundaries,that's completely free, my gift
to you and you can sign up formy newsletter there as well.
(31:58):
All right, my loves.
Hopefully this was helpful foryou.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe or hit the five star
rating, and until next time I'llsee you on the other side.
Bye, guys.
hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
Um, so, before we get intotoday's episode because this
one's a little bit interesting,you know when I'm like, oops, so
those britney spears fans, andyou know those who aren't.
Well, you're welcome.
Now I just totally putsomething in your head that's
(00:26):
going to be playing thereconsistently.
Sorry, anyway, but you know II've got to say, first and
foremost, thank you to youlisteners.
I am really close to hitting athousand downloads for the month
and I would love a little morelove.
(00:50):
So please share this podcast or, if you're on YouTube, please
share the videos.
You are welcome to like andsubscribe.
You are also welcome to givethis podcast a five-star rating,
and those are things that aregoing to help boost numbers for
me.
And so if you really do lovethe content that I'm sharing
(01:12):
with you and you're loving thispodcast and the different things
that I get to teach on here andit's really helping you, if you
can like and subscribe for meor go hit that five-star rating
on the podcast.
Either one, I would love it.
Now, with that, let's go aheadand dive right into today's
(01:33):
episode.
You know, forgiving ourselvesfor our mistakes Because, let's
face it, um, one of the thingsthat is very evident usually
people who come to me with, uh,betrayal trauma, uh, whether
(01:57):
they be female entrepreneurs orjust stay-at-home moms, or even
men, you know, I've coached alltypes and personalities of
(02:19):
people, right, and but one thingis that's very, very clear,
right, and but one thing isthat's very, very clear Is when
(02:54):
people are you kidding me, likereally, why would you do that?
And as I, you know, I gavemyself the time to get angry.
I gave myself the time to getangry, I gave myself the time to
(03:22):
think about it and, you know,just kind of gave myself the
time I needed to be able to kindof process what happened.
And, like I said, I'm not goingto go into detail because it
doesn't really matter whathappened, but as I was thinking
about these things, I'verealized that this particular
relationship, relationship I hadbeen giving way too much leeway
(04:10):
to, and what I mean by that isnot being completely honest with
how I was feeling about therelationship, because I kind of
felt like it wasn't going tomake a difference, like with
whatever I said.
I felt like they would puttheir experience over mine,
which they did.
They would put their experienceover mine, which they did, and
(04:30):
so I never really spoke up inthe relationship and that led to
a betrayal.
And the problem is, because Ididn't speak up in the
relationship, I did end upfeeling very betrayed.
But me not speaking up was alsoa self-betrayal.
(05:11):
I had betrayed myself just tomake the other person
comfortable.
Now, granted, luckily, thisother person is usually pretty
good to work with me on things,um, but I had to admit like that
was something I was doing.
(05:42):
We often don't see how we arebetraying ourselves in another
person's betrayal, because allwe're seeing is the other
person's betrayal.
And don't get me wrong, likeyou absolutely don't need to be
like, oh well, I betrayed myself, so I should be okay with their
betrayal.
No, not at all.
(06:02):
Right, you do not need to putup with with the bad habits, bad
behavior, the disrespect, thedismissal of anyone else.
Like, no, that's not OK.
But you also do need to realizethat our, our relationships are
(06:42):
a reflection of therelationship we have with
ourself and our self-talk.
And I can get into that onanother episode, like I could
probably do a whole otherpodcast episode on that, and so
I probably will.
But today I really just want totalk more or less about
forgiving our mistakes andforgiving ourselves for our
(07:05):
mistakes.
And why is that an importanttopic?
(07:35):
Well, number one we often allowother people to get away with
really shady and not respectfulthings towards us.
When we have a deep sense ofguilt, a deep sense of, well,
you know, I've made mistakes too, I'm making mistakes too.
(07:57):
Right, we can even sit thereand say well, I betrayed myself
too, so it doesn't matter.
When somebody else betrays usLike this is the human brain,
guys, right?
It loves to excuse the actionsof another person because we
(08:31):
realize that our own actionshave been out of alignment with
ourselves, and so we tend tothink that we deserve to be
ignored, neglected, punished,whatever it is going on with
this other relationship, becausewe're doing those things to
ourselves.
And that's not necessarily thecase.
(08:53):
Okay, and I should say that'snot the case at all, because the
truth of the matter is is yes,you do need to stop doing those
things to yourself.
Yes, you need to start beingyour own best friend.
Yes, you need to start showingup for yourself and loving
yourself.
Yes, please do those thingsRight.
And yes, it's also true thatour relationships are a
(09:18):
reflection of the way we treatourselves.
That being said, you still donot need to put up with somebody
else's stuff that is toxic toyou, because you realize that
(09:41):
you need to work on yourrelationship with yourself.
(10:05):
You know, I had a client whofelt like her relationships were
fine but she struggled, feelinglike they could support her.
Um, anytime she like theyneeded something from her, you
(10:27):
know she was there, she washelping them, trying, trying to
do everything that she could,but anytime she needed some help
, there was complaining andthere was hey, I'm too busy.
There was no, hey, I'm going todrop everything and come help
you, like she was doing withthem.
(10:47):
And so she was feeling like thesupport was very one-sided and
even though her relationshipswere usually fairly loving
towards her they were kind theyjust didn't really show up very
(11:08):
well for her right.
They didn't support her in theway that she was really needing
support.
And you know, we got taking alook at, maybe, how she wasn't
showing up to support herselfand we started finding some
(11:28):
things and I'll tell you whatthey were here in just a second,
but it was really interesting.
She said to me well, I can'tget angry at them because I'm
doing the same thing with me.
For me, like, oh my gosh, likeI'm so dumb, I'm sitting there
like didn't you hear anything.
(11:50):
You just said, right, sittingthere, like didn't you hear
anything.
He just said, right, because,like her, her home was cluttered
.
And you know she realized thatthe clutter and the clutter, by
the way, guys, is always atrauma response.
Again, another podcast, podcastepisode in that one, right, but
(12:14):
her home was cluttered.
She didn't really take time forherself.
She was ready to dropeverything for someone else but
struggled to do the same thingfor herself.
And as we got diving deeperinto it, she could see that she
wasn't giving herself thesupport she needed.
(12:36):
But one of the biggest thingsshe wasn't doing, or one of the
biggest things she was doing,was giving other people a past
and condemning herself, peoplepast and condemning herself.
(12:59):
And that, in that, is where herlack of support lied.
Right, she wasn't settingboundaries with the people she
loved and that loved her back.
Actually, they truly did, um,because she felt like she had to
(13:20):
give and give and give and giveand give and give and give.
So that way she would be seen.
And once she started giving toherself and when she started
really supporting herself andshe started saying no to them
when she couldn't really show up, when she couldn't really
(13:41):
support.
Right, the dynamic shiftedentirely in her relationships
and the people that she lovedand that she was serving started
to value her service a lot moreand started to see it as her
(14:05):
showing them that they matteredto her, and so, for that thing,
she started mattering more tothem and they started being able
to have a more supportiverelationship.
So it's just things like this,but the first thing she had to
do was forgive herself for herlack of support.
(14:25):
Right, and what I mean byforgiving it is for the giving.
We can see our own flaws, ourown faults, our own oops, I did
it agains, right, we can totallysee those things.
But it isn't until we forgivethose things that we start
(14:52):
actually seeing a major shiftand a major change in our
relationships.
That can be with your clients,that can be with your husband,
that can be with your children,your family, your neighbors,
whoever it is, your children,your family, your neighbors,
(15:14):
whoever it is until you startforgiving yourself and you start
loving yourself enough.
To number one, still takeaccountability, radical
accountability for the thingsthat you need to change, but
also giving yourself just amassive dose of self-compassion,
because you can understand andrecognize that you're still a
good person and you're stilllike your intentions were good.
(15:37):
Just the execution of it mighthave been a little off right,
and so we're just willing toadjust, we're willing to change
and we're willing to try again.
These are things that buildself-trust, my loves, and
(16:00):
self-trust is something thatalmost without fail, every
single one of my clientsstruggles with.
You know, I have clients thatbuild YouTube channels, you know
, and are major YouTubers.
I have clients who have amulti-million dollar business
right, I have really majorclients and I can tell you this
(16:21):
is something they all strugglewith.
And I also have clients thatare moms, who are stay-at-home
moms, who want a betterrelationship with their spouses,
who want to set betterboundaries and who also want to
set boundaries with their kids,without feeling like monster mom
.
Right, I get that, I've beenthere.
(16:44):
Right, I'm running a six-figurebusiness.
I am running a home, I'mrunning these things, so I
totally understand.
You know where a lot of thesepeople are coming from and,
without fail, they all strugglewith self-trust, self-compassion
and forgiving themselves,because whenever we make a
(17:14):
mistake, our brain tends to wantto find a meaning behind it.
And you know, I'm Christian andI'm going to tell you that I
100% believe that this is rightthere.
That's in that intersection,when the adversary comes in and
says you deserve to beunsupported.
(17:38):
Look at you, you stupid fool.
Why on earth do you thinkanybody else would love you?
Oh, you're totally not going tomake it.
Now.
That's when that comes in, andit's no wonder.
Why we doubt ourselves isbecause we're having a
vulnerable moment.
The adversary is using thatvulnerability and that weakness
(18:02):
to lie to us.
He's totally pouncing on it.
He's totally like delighting inour weak moments.
And then he comes in togaslight and manipulate us and
to mess with our head, and heloves doing it.
He knows what he's doing andbecause he's so good at making
(18:27):
it sound like our voice, webelieve it.
We buy it hook, line and sinker.
(19:00):
But it's not true wants meaningand so it assigns meaning and
that's right.
Like I said, right when thatadversary comes in to our
circumstance, even if themeaning isn't true, we make it
make sense in our head and thenall of a sudden, we're feeling
(19:20):
pretty low, we're afraid to takeaction and it pushes us further
away from the result that wereally truly want, that we
really truly want.
But what if the mistake didn'thave to mean anything negative?
(20:08):
What if it just simply meant itwas a mistake and that we get
to shift and we get to adjustand we need to learn?
What if that's all the mistakemeant?
See, the thing is is we need toanchor ourselves to truth, and
(20:32):
the truth of the matter is is weare beings of light.
I believe we're children of god.
You might choose to believe inyour highest form of love, but
somehow you're connected deeplyto that highest form of love,
and that love has also had aninterchangeable relationship
(20:52):
with you, where you have takenon some of the characteristics
of love that makes you a beingof light, and beings of light
love and need truth.
We feast at truth.
(21:14):
Our very souls desire and wanttruth.
We need it, and when somethingmakes us feel lower and less
trust in ourselves, we'resomewhere believing a lie, a big
(21:35):
one, about ourselves.
We're somewhere believing a lie, a big one, about ourselves.
And so this is why it's veryimportant to be very careful
about what you allow yourmistakes to mean and how you
allow those mistakes to affectyour relationships.
Because if you think thatbecause you've made mistakes and
(21:57):
you're imperfect, that you needto give other people who make
mistakes and are imperfect apass.
That's not true, and it doesn'tmean you need to give yourself
a pass either.
But if you would set a boundarywith them, you also need to set
(22:20):
a boundary with yourself,because a boundary set that is
not lived by ourselves isingenuine.
It's hypocritical.
So what we need to do is weneed to think to ourselves like
(22:41):
how do we really want ourrelationships to show up for us?
Then, before we can expect ourrelationships to show up that
way, we need to show up that way, first and foremost for
ourselves, because we must modelwhat it is we want given,
because for our own good.
Now we finally know what itlooks like, because we're doing
(23:04):
it for ourselves and we can seewhen somebody else is out of
alignment or maybe just notreally paying attention right to
the relationship and maybestepping on our toes a little
(23:26):
bit.
Right, then we can actuallyhelp them learn what respect
means.
And what's amazing is, peoplelove being respectful, they love
feeling respectful, they lovefeeling like hey, actually I can
take this.
I can handle being honest withmyself, I can handle being
(23:47):
vulnerable.
I can handle deep respect.
It makes you feel like afantastic human.
And what do fantastic humans do?
They go out and do fantasticthings.
Okay, so the mistake what doesit mean about you?
And then check in deeply to howit makes you feel what you take
(24:09):
the meaning on, as If it'smaking you feel pretty low.
It's not true.
What you have taken the meaningof the mistake to be is not
true.
However, when you take themistake to mean, okay, I have
(24:33):
some improvement here and youwork on that one area, a lot of
other areas improve as well andall of a sudden, overwhelm kind
of just tends to go away.
And this is one of the reasonstoo.
I say, if you really want toimprove your life and drop so
(25:04):
many mistakes, the best thing wecan do is turn our vision and
our light to God or your highestform of love, depending on what
you believe and who you'relistening to.
Right, because it simplifiesall of the things that we've got
to change, all of the things wehave to do better in.
It simplifies those things andinstead of having to do a
(25:24):
million different things all onour own, we tend to just kind of
do better naturally, and thethings that we thought we all
had to change kind of tend toeither change naturally,
effortlessly and easily, um, orthey kind of just go away, the
(25:52):
things that we don't like,because we tend to learn to like
ourselves.
Okay, all right.
Moving on, uh, number two, someother things you can do with.
Uh, forgiving your mistakes isnumber one.
You can either run from it oryou can learn from it.
Now we're talking about oldrafiki here.
You know, in in the lion king,when he smacks simba on the head
(26:13):
and Simba's like, yeah, but itstill hurts, and Rafiki's like,
oh, yeah, it's the past, can'thurt, right?
And Rafiki swings a stick athim again and he says you can
either run from it or you canlearn from it.
We are going to make mistakes.
(26:36):
You can run from them or youcan learn from them.
Running from them is making itmean something negative about
you.
That is running from yourmistakes.
And if you're running from yourmistakes, chances are you're
also running from yourrelationships, because you are
(27:00):
not going to do things perfectlyin any relationship.
As much as we try, as much as wewant to, there's going to be
times where we unintentionallystep on somebody else's toes.
It happens probably a littlemore frequently than what we
would like, but learning from itsimply is oh well, that did not
(27:24):
work the way I had expected itto, so what do I need to do
differently?
And so we take a step back andwe start seeing, like, what can
we actually extract from this?
How did it go wrong?
And that gives us deep wisdom.
(27:45):
You guys, mistakes are a goodthing as long as we're learning
from them.
They will build character.
They will build resilience.
They will build character.
They will build resilience.
They will build the fantastichuman, as long as we're willing
to learn from them and notreject ourselves and throw the
baby out with the bathwatersimply because we made a mistake
(28:07):
.
Okay, and what do we do whenwe've made a mistake in a very
cherished relationship?
Well, obviously, we forgiveourselves right and we own it.
It's really important to ownour mistakes, own our problems,
(28:31):
own our lives.
It's very important to do thosethings.
And if you've unintentionallyhurt someone, well, a fantastic
human listens to how they'veunintentionally hurt, tries to
understand from the otherperson's perspective and
reiterates until they truly dounderstand.
(28:54):
And it's only after theyunderstand do they try to
explain things from their side.
So what happens when mistakeshave been made and you are the
fall guy?
And this often happens with ahusband who's kind of just not
(29:19):
there, either because he'sheavily into porn or his own
emotions are so large that itcauses neglect or you can even
have this happen with clients,right?
Clients?
How many times do they step onentrepreneurs toes?
I've said it so many timesentrepreneurs are by far the
(29:40):
group of people that experiencethe most betrayal and I'm not
even joking, and it's justbecause we have so many more
relationships that we have todeal with than you know just
just people who don't buildbusinesses, who aren't
entrepreneurs, who aren'tinfluencers.
We get betrayed by audiences.
(30:01):
We get betrayed by our clients.
We get betrayed a lot actually.
But you can run from it or youcan learn from it.
Okay, my loves, I hope this washelpful.
(30:26):
Don't beat yourself up too muchover mistakes.
Mistakes happen.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
I know Mistakes happen.
Sometimes life gets in the way.
I know I've been prettyconsistent with my podcast, but
I totally forgot to send out anemail last week and yeah, whoops
(30:48):
, I did it again.
Right, I can get prettyirritated with myself over that,
or I can quickly forgive myselfand get back to posting and
(31:08):
make sure I'm bringing reallygreat content.
And also, if you guys wouldlove to get on my email list,
because in in that newsletter Ialso give out a lot more
freebies.
I also do a lot more teaching.
We talk about the podcast onthere.
Let me know, go ahead.
And in the description belowthere is a link for my Clarify
(31:33):
and Create your Boundaries PDF.
And, by the way, guys, I've gota couple more really excellent
PDFs in the works and coming, sobe watching for those.
Some more freebies.
I love freebies, right, but ifyou go sign up for that Clarify
and Create your Boundaries,that's completely free, my gift
to you and you can sign up formy newsletter there as well.
(31:58):
All right, my loves.
Hopefully this was helpful foryou.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe or hit the five star
rating, and until next time I'llsee you on the other side.
Bye, guys.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.