September 2, 2024 • 32 mins
Ever wondered why you keep attracting narcissistic partners, despite the pain they inflict? Discover the hidden allure of narcissists and unmask their manipulative charm as we dissect the painful yet enlightening journey of betrayal trauma. Join me, Erin Anderson, as we unpack the complexities of healing from these toxic relationships and reclaiming your identity and joy. Learn how to identify the deceit behind their confidence and charm, and gain practical advice on setting robust boundaries that protect your well-being.
In this insightful episode, betrayal trauma coach Erin Anderson joins us to share invaluable strategies for navigating relationships with narcissistic partners. Drawing from her extensive experience, Erin highlights the importance of self-care and self-sufficiency while offering a detailed action plan to manage these challenging dynamics. We also introduce my new podcast, Boundary Boss Babes, which delves into the deeper beliefs impacting our relationships and business goals. Connect with our healing community and explore resources like the "Immune and Unashamed" group for married couples, ensuring you have the support needed to live a trauma-free life.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
(00:41):
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
(01:02):
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
(01:23):
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
(01:45):
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
(02:08):
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
It's our second to last episode.
I'm kind of sad about this, youguys, because I really have
loved doing the other side ofthe struggle for a long time,
(02:57):
helping women heal from betrayaltrauma and, you know, giving
you guys some tips and adviceabout how to set boundaries, how
to recognize a narcissist.
You know how to and basicallyhow to deal with what it is
you're dealing with, right, um,however, if you guys are
(03:24):
interested in the next level,then come over and join me at
the Boundary Boss Babes podcast.
I'm getting it up and runningright now as we speak, and I
should be producing the firstfew episodes within the next
couple of weeks for sure, sure?
(03:45):
So make sure you go like andsubscribe that especially.
Subscribe to that, especiallyif you are an entrepreneur woman
who would love to heal yourrelationship so that way you can
go and earn six or sevenfigures in your business.
Then come over to that one andlisten a bit more, because we
are going to be talking aboutall things boundaries in that
(04:07):
podcast, and what yourrelationships actually might be
telling you or the way thatthey're showing up can often be
a symbol of a deeper belief thatis causing you to not hit your
(04:31):
business goals.
So if you want to learn moreabout that, come check us out at
the Boundary to Boss Babespodcast.
And don't worry, this one'sstill going to be here, so feel
free to consume all the content.
There's lots and lots ofepisodes.
You guys Still share it, stilltell people about it.
It's not going anywhere.
(04:52):
I'm just going to create more,just a new podcast and more
episodes in this new podcast.
So anyway, my loves, let's diveinto today's topic, which is why
did you fall for the narcissist?
And I hear this question a lotlike oh my gosh, why did I fall
for him?
Like, why did I not see thesigns?
(05:13):
And here's the deal.
You probably didn't want to.
To be honest with you, right.
To be honest with you, right,you most likely were looking for
someone who had confidence,because, well, we'll get into
(05:35):
that in just a second butsomebody who had confidence,
somebody who looked like theyhad a lot of money and that they
were good with money, somebodywho was attractive, somebody who
showered you with all kinds ofpraises, love, good feelings,
(05:56):
and that they made you feel likethey're equal, all right, all
things that we absolutely want.
But the problem in getting intoa relationship with a
narcissist is, well, there'salso the manipulation and the
lies and you start to wonderwhat is real and what is not
real.
It's a little bit like I don'tknow if you've ever watched one
(06:18):
of those movies where the personis asleep and some demon and
I'm not saying a narcissist is ademon, but they've got like
some demons got control of thisperson's mind and they're
showing them, as they're asleep,what they want to see, right,
but then it fuzzes out and likethey get like pictures and
(06:43):
close-ups of what the actualtruth is and finally they wake
up, right, and this is a littlebit that.
That's a little bit like beingin a relationship with a
narcissist.
Um, you get these.
At the beginning you're you'rekind of in this la la land, this
dream state, because it's adream.
(07:04):
You're loving the charisma,you're loving the confidence.
You're kind of in this la laland, this dream state, because
it's a dream.
You're loving the charisma,you're loving the confidence,
you're loving the money, the,the showering of, of love and
jewels and gifts and speakingyour love language.
To brush aside when they're notthemselves, it's easy to say,
(07:31):
well, nobody's perfect, right inthat moment.
But as the relationshipcontinues, then so does the lies
and manipulation and prettysoon, eventually, there's more
lies and manipulation than thereis the confidence, the
attractiveness, the equality,the attention and love, right,
(07:57):
and you begin to wonder where itall went, like what exactly
happened?
Well, let me tell you, you'renot crazy.
Okay, a narcissist is very goodat presenting themselves as
something that somebody wants.
They are actually very good atrecognizing social cues.
(08:18):
Now, whether it be that they'vehad trauma and so their brain
is on hyper, aware of whatcertain things are appealing and
pleasing to someone else, andthen eventually they just can't
hold up to the game anymore, orwhether it is that they actually
do want to cause really bigproblems in somebody else's
(08:41):
lives and there's some sort ofsick pleasure that they get out
of it, either way, I want you toknow that you're not crazy for
being attracted to those things.
Okay, you're not crazy forbeing attracted to a narcissist.
Think about narcissists.
The, um, the, was it?
(09:01):
He wasn't a greek god, was he?
He was a.
He was either a Greek god, Ican't remember or he was a Greek
legend, I'll say that.
And everybody would fall inlove with him at first sight,
and it wasn't until he saw hisown reflection that he fell in
love with himself and wouldn'tleave the pool where his
(09:23):
reflection was and ended updying right there.
Right, that's the legend of thenarcissist.
But the thing is, is thisactually very, very on point to
what I'm going to tell you next?
Because I get asked this.
A lot is like what do you do?
What do you do if you are in arelationship with a narcissist?
(09:45):
Right?
Well, number one, anarcissist's way that they
present themselves is both theirstrength and their downfall,
strength in the fact that theycan attract just about anyone to
their lives.
(10:06):
Uh, because they know, you know,like we, we want the confidence
.
We want someone who's confidentin his actions, confident in
his abilities, confident,confident, confident.
So that way we're not gettingsaddled with their problems like
they're confident that they canwork through their problems,
and we want someone who isconfident that he can still help
(10:27):
us with ours.
So that's part of us feelingfeminine and safe.
One of the traits of thefeminine is that she relaxes
right, and we want to feelrelaxed in our relationships.
And we feel more relaxed whenwe're not having to take on
everybody's problems and solvethem all, and when somebody can
(10:48):
work with us on our own problems.
Right, we want that and to us,confidence is that, and so they
show that kind of a thing, right, um, but the deal is just the
(11:09):
same way that falling in lovewith himself was his downfall in
the actual narcissist Greeklegend.
It is the same for anynarcissist.
It is their unwillingness tobelieve that there's anything
(11:31):
else better, or theirunwillingness to believe the
truth, I should say, that causesthem to die by that pool,
because they won't leave it,they refuse to leave it Right,
and this is why boundariesBecause they won't leave it,
(11:52):
they refuse to leave it Right,and this is why boundaries are
so important when dealing with anarcissist is because someone
who is not narcissistic Numberone, they're willing to listen
to feedback.
They recognize it as simplyfeedback, and so a truly
(12:13):
confident person will sit thereand listen and they'll filter it
and say is this something thatI really do need to understand,
something I really do need tolisten to.
Is this important to therelationship?
Is it important to the personthat I love?
Like like they filter thingslike that.
Is this something I can improveupon?
(12:33):
They do ask themselves thatquestion.
Somebody who's doing that isnot a narcissist.
But a narcissist wantseverything to be your fault,
right, and so when you startputting boundaries in place and
you don't allow everything to beyour fault, you allow them
(12:54):
their own consequences of theiractions and beliefs.
Well, that's what a boundarydoes, and they don't like it.
It's a lot like trying to pullthem away from the pool.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, notgoing to have it.
The other thing is self-care.
You need to care for yourselfand go for your goals.
(13:20):
With a narcissist, they don'tlike that again, because
somebody who goes for theirgoals, who takes care of
themselves and makes themselvesa priority, is also someone
who's less willing to believethat something is wrong with
them.
Okay, that they're always theproblem.
(13:42):
They're always the one thatneeds to fix it.
They're always the one thatneeds to change.
They're always, they're always,they're always right.
It's not true.
It's not always you, sometimesit is them.
Okay, and oftentimes, actually,if you're dealing with a
(14:05):
narcissist.
Most of the time it is them.
Oftentimes, actually, if you'redealing with a narcissist, most
of the time it is them Becauseyou're going to be more in a
self-preservation mode, right?
Doing self-care helps get youout of that self-preservation
mode and into a I trust me mode,because self-care is the very
(14:27):
definition of having your ownback Right now.
Self-care I love getting into,you know, bubble baths and
reading a good book and makingsure that I take time with
myself to relax.
That is absolutely self-care.
But there's other aspects ofself-care too like being
self-dependent, right,self-sufficient.
Like being self-dependent,right Self-sufficient.
(14:52):
Making sure that you're takingcare of your breakfast, making
sure that you're taking care ofyour nutritional needs, your
sleep needs, like making surethat you're taking care of you.
That is what self-care is, sothat way you know you can take
care of your kids and otherpeople that really do matter and
want to work with you in yourlife.
(15:12):
Make a plan is another thingthat I want to really stress
with you today.
If you are in a relationshipwith someone who is narcissistic
, then you need to make a planof what it is you need to do,
and so what I really suggestdoing is writing down all of the
(15:32):
different action plans you cantake, right, so you might decide
on okay, well, I could takethis action, but this is what
will happen if I take thisaction.
This is how I, how I'll feelthis is and you really, really
want to analyze that action.
(15:53):
Write down another one.
Write down another one likewrite down all of the action
steps you could possibly take inyour situation, whether it be
to leave to, to set boundaries,what are those boundaries going
to look like, etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Right, what is the plan?
(16:16):
And then you go ahead and youchoose the one that best works
for you.
I had a client that was reallystruggling with her narcissistic
husband and how he wouldn'ttake any responsibility at all
for any of the relationship.
(16:38):
It had to be all her all on herRight.
He'd blame her, he would tellher that it's all her fault it's
the same thing in blaming butand he'd belittle her, he'd
mentally manipulate her andoften lie to her right, and she
(16:58):
didn't know what to believeanymore.
So she decided to make theseplans, and one of the plans she
decided that she made was I'mgoing to tell him what it is
that I want from him likespecifically, you know like four
(17:20):
steps, like four things thatare easy, that I really really
want from him and see how heresponds.
They really want from him andsee how he responds.
If he responds favorably, thenwe'll give that like a two week
streak, and then I might add acouple more right, or even a
month streak and I might add acouple more.
But if he continues to blame meand he continues to tell me
(17:46):
that I'm the problem and that hewon't take any responsibility
whatsoever for his share in therelationship, then I'm going to
pursue a separation and I'mgoing to move out and I'm going
to start taking care of myself,right.
And so those are the.
That's what she decided to do,and it did end up that she went
(18:11):
for a separation right andeventually a divorce from her
spouse, but she's happilymarried now to someone else who
does cherish her, who does valueher mind and who is her
champion, right?
And so she had to take a lookat, like, what all of her
(18:32):
options are and how she wasgoing to do and follow through
with those options.
So that's what I mean by makinga plan.
The last thing is to become yourown best friend.
We talked about this a littlebit with self-care, but it's
also a self-belief.
Oftentimes a narcissist canfind like a little crack in our
(18:57):
confidence where we don'tbelieve in ourselves as much and
they can start this pattern, orthey get us to mentally start
this pattern of self-betrayal.
And that's part of the reasonwhy it doesn't feel good to be
with a narcissist is becausethey require patterns of our own
(19:17):
self-betrayal to stay in therelationship.
When you become your own bestfriend, you start to love
yourself to the point where youare no longer willing to
tolerate the bad behavior, theway that they're showing up, the
hurtful words, and you start toask yourself OK, how do I
(19:40):
really want to be treated?
What is it that I really loveabout me?
How does that person show upfor their friends?
What would you do Seriously,how would like, if your best
(20:01):
friend, her husband in front ofyou, treated her the way that
maybe you've been treated byyour narcissist?
How would you show up in thatmoment?
Right, and this is somethingthat you want to ask yourself,
like how, what would happen if Ishowed up that way with the
person I am with right now?
(20:21):
How can I have my own back?
How can I be true to me.
Remember that all relationshipsstem first and foremost from
your relationship with God andyourself, right, and that
relationships are merely simplya physical manifestation of a
(20:47):
deeper truth that's going oninside of our brain.
Something in our subconscioustold us that this person was
safe, and we need to really lookat why and look at other areas
in your life where you feltbetrayed.
Maybe you felt betrayed bymoney.
Maybe you felt betrayed by God.
Maybe you felt betrayed inother areas, right.
(21:11):
Oftentimes I notice that peoplewho have been dealing with
narcissists a long time alsohave kind of a narcissistic
relationship with money.
Not saying that they themselvesare narcissistic, but it's more
like the money shows up in anarcissistic way where, in order
(21:33):
to get it, they have to worktoo hard or they have to
apologize profusely, or theyhave to jump through all of
these hoops in order just to geta dollar, just to get a drop in
the bucket, and it's reallyinteresting that a narcissistic
relationship feels like that.
(21:55):
Oftentimes, a narcissisticrelationship does speak to our
money story and oftentimes theway we believe about our money
stories is often the way webelieve about our personal
relationships.
Hence the reason why they're aphysical manifestation of our
(22:18):
beliefs right.
They have to be so.
This is another piece of havingyour own back and being your own
best friend is getting reallyhonest with yourself.
One of the things that you getsick of is the manipulation of
the lies.
Well, the last thing you wantto do is manipulate and lie to
yourself.
It's very hard to have arelationship with people, as you
(22:42):
have well seen, that lie andmanipulate you, lie to and
manipulate you.
I should say Very hard to havea relationship with those people
, and this is part of the reasonwhy you don't want to do these
things to yourself is becauseyou want to have a relationship
with yourself.
An easy task, right?
(23:03):
People who manipulate and lieto themselves create a rip
inside their own soul and,believe it or not, this is also
something that the narcissistsare dealing with.
Is that rip in their souls?
Because whatever they're doingon the outside, they often do on
the inside, and this is whyit's so easy to become
narcissistic from narcissisticrelationships.
(23:28):
I'm sure that none of you, mylisteners, are doing anything
like that.
Granted, we do all have ournarcissistic tendencies, but
asking yourself really goodquestions and getting to the
roots of your own problems issomething that I highly
recommend.
That is having your own back,that is being your best friend,
(23:54):
because once we understand andrecognize truth, then we can
move forward.
We start to have an action plan.
Okay, so if you fell for anarcissist, don't beat yourself
up, it's okay.
You've got to really consider,like, the things that he or she
(24:16):
presented to you, um, that youthought were great.
Because the thing is is, ifyou're catching a counterfeit
version of it, if you canunderstand what it was that you
truly loved about this personand thought was just great and
made you immediately feel like,yes, I can do, I can work with
(24:37):
this person, then you can take alook at the traits and say what
are the like?
How does a person who's trulycharismatic, truly confident,
(24:58):
how does a person who's trulycharismatic, truly confident,
truly affectionate, really doesbelieve in me and my quality
with this person?
How do they show up for me andwhat are some of their language?
What are some of their actions?
Okay, my loves, I hope this washelpful for you guys.
I'm kind of sad, like I said,again, to be wrapping up this
(25:19):
podcast, but again let me tellyou to come over to the Boundary
Boss Babes podcast if you arelooking to start creating more
money for yourself, and I'lltell you one of the reasons why
I am switching to this isbecause I'm very passionate
about helping women create theirown money as well as healing
their relationships in theirlives, and I've often found that
(25:41):
when we do heal ourrelationships, especially the
relationships we have withourselves, money tends to kind
of follow those things, and soit's a very powerful concept.
I want women to have bothfreedom of time, money and feel
safe and confident in theirrelationships, and so, where
(26:03):
this was more of just likehealing from trauma, I wanted to
incorporate way more.
So definitely come find me overthere, and until next week,
guys, I'll see you on the otherside.
Bye, okay.
(26:28):
So I've got a question for you.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(26:49):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(27:13):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(27:36):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Um, also come and join immuneand unashamed uh for those
married couples that arefollowing me, because in that
group, me and my businesspartner kyson kid are also
(27:59):
talking and offering some greatcontent.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
(00:41):
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
(01:02):
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
(01:23):
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
(01:45):
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
(02:08):
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
It's our second to last episode.
I'm kind of sad about this, youguys, because I really have
loved doing the other side ofthe struggle for a long time,
(02:57):
helping women heal from betrayaltrauma and, you know, giving
you guys some tips and adviceabout how to set boundaries, how
to recognize a narcissist.
You know how to and basicallyhow to deal with what it is
you're dealing with, right, um,however, if you guys are
(03:24):
interested in the next level,then come over and join me at
the Boundary Boss Babes podcast.
I'm getting it up and runningright now as we speak, and I
should be producing the firstfew episodes within the next
couple of weeks for sure, sure?
(03:45):
So make sure you go like andsubscribe that especially.
Subscribe to that, especiallyif you are an entrepreneur woman
who would love to heal yourrelationship so that way you can
go and earn six or sevenfigures in your business.
Then come over to that one andlisten a bit more, because we
are going to be talking aboutall things boundaries in that
(04:07):
podcast, and what yourrelationships actually might be
telling you or the way thatthey're showing up can often be
a symbol of a deeper belief thatis causing you to not hit your
(04:31):
business goals.
So if you want to learn moreabout that, come check us out at
the Boundary to Boss Babespodcast.
And don't worry, this one'sstill going to be here, so feel
free to consume all the content.
There's lots and lots ofepisodes.
You guys Still share it, stilltell people about it.
It's not going anywhere.
(04:52):
I'm just going to create more,just a new podcast and more
episodes in this new podcast.
So anyway, my loves, let's diveinto today's topic, which is why
did you fall for the narcissist?
And I hear this question a lotlike oh my gosh, why did I fall
for him?
Like, why did I not see thesigns?
(05:13):
And here's the deal.
You probably didn't want to.
To be honest with you, right.
To be honest with you, right,you most likely were looking for
someone who had confidence,because, well, we'll get into
(05:35):
that in just a second butsomebody who had confidence,
somebody who looked like theyhad a lot of money and that they
were good with money, somebodywho was attractive, somebody who
showered you with all kinds ofpraises, love, good feelings,
(05:56):
and that they made you feel likethey're equal, all right, all
things that we absolutely want.
But the problem in getting intoa relationship with a
narcissist is, well, there'salso the manipulation and the
lies and you start to wonderwhat is real and what is not
real.
It's a little bit like I don'tknow if you've ever watched one
(06:18):
of those movies where the personis asleep and some demon and
I'm not saying a narcissist is ademon, but they've got like
some demons got control of thisperson's mind and they're
showing them, as they're asleep,what they want to see, right,
but then it fuzzes out and likethey get like pictures and
(06:43):
close-ups of what the actualtruth is and finally they wake
up, right, and this is a littlebit that.
That's a little bit like beingin a relationship with a
narcissist.
Um, you get these.
At the beginning you're you'rekind of in this la la land, this
dream state, because it's adream.
(07:04):
You're loving the charisma,you're loving the confidence.
You're kind of in this la laland, this dream state, because
it's a dream.
You're loving the charisma,you're loving the confidence,
you're loving the money, the,the showering of, of love and
jewels and gifts and speakingyour love language.
To brush aside when they're notthemselves, it's easy to say,
(07:31):
well, nobody's perfect, right inthat moment.
But as the relationshipcontinues, then so does the lies
and manipulation and prettysoon, eventually, there's more
lies and manipulation than thereis the confidence, the
attractiveness, the equality,the attention and love, right,
(07:57):
and you begin to wonder where itall went, like what exactly
happened?
Well, let me tell you, you'renot crazy.
Okay, a narcissist is very goodat presenting themselves as
something that somebody wants.
They are actually very good atrecognizing social cues.
(08:18):
Now, whether it be that they'vehad trauma and so their brain
is on hyper, aware of whatcertain things are appealing and
pleasing to someone else, andthen eventually they just can't
hold up to the game anymore, orwhether it is that they actually
do want to cause really bigproblems in somebody else's
(08:41):
lives and there's some sort ofsick pleasure that they get out
of it, either way, I want you toknow that you're not crazy for
being attracted to those things.
Okay, you're not crazy forbeing attracted to a narcissist.
Think about narcissists.
The, um, the, was it?
(09:01):
He wasn't a greek god, was he?
He was a.
He was either a Greek god, Ican't remember or he was a Greek
legend, I'll say that.
And everybody would fall inlove with him at first sight,
and it wasn't until he saw hisown reflection that he fell in
love with himself and wouldn'tleave the pool where his
(09:23):
reflection was and ended updying right there.
Right, that's the legend of thenarcissist.
But the thing is, is thisactually very, very on point to
what I'm going to tell you next?
Because I get asked this.
A lot is like what do you do?
What do you do if you are in arelationship with a narcissist?
(09:45):
Right?
Well, number one, anarcissist's way that they
present themselves is both theirstrength and their downfall,
strength in the fact that theycan attract just about anyone to
their lives.
(10:06):
Uh, because they know, you know,like we, we want the confidence
.
We want someone who's confidentin his actions, confident in
his abilities, confident,confident, confident.
So that way we're not gettingsaddled with their problems like
they're confident that they canwork through their problems,
and we want someone who isconfident that he can still help
(10:27):
us with ours.
So that's part of us feelingfeminine and safe.
One of the traits of thefeminine is that she relaxes
right, and we want to feelrelaxed in our relationships.
And we feel more relaxed whenwe're not having to take on
everybody's problems and solvethem all, and when somebody can
(10:48):
work with us on our own problems.
Right, we want that and to us,confidence is that, and so they
show that kind of a thing, right, um, but the deal is just the
(11:09):
same way that falling in lovewith himself was his downfall in
the actual narcissist Greeklegend.
It is the same for anynarcissist.
It is their unwillingness tobelieve that there's anything
(11:31):
else better, or theirunwillingness to believe the
truth, I should say, that causesthem to die by that pool,
because they won't leave it,they refuse to leave it Right,
and this is why boundariesBecause they won't leave it,
(11:52):
they refuse to leave it Right,and this is why boundaries are
so important when dealing with anarcissist is because someone
who is not narcissistic Numberone, they're willing to listen
to feedback.
They recognize it as simplyfeedback, and so a truly
(12:13):
confident person will sit thereand listen and they'll filter it
and say is this something thatI really do need to understand,
something I really do need tolisten to.
Is this important to therelationship?
Is it important to the personthat I love?
Like like they filter thingslike that.
Is this something I can improveupon?
(12:33):
They do ask themselves thatquestion.
Somebody who's doing that isnot a narcissist.
But a narcissist wantseverything to be your fault,
right, and so when you startputting boundaries in place and
you don't allow everything to beyour fault, you allow them
(12:54):
their own consequences of theiractions and beliefs.
Well, that's what a boundarydoes, and they don't like it.
It's a lot like trying to pullthem away from the pool.
Nope, nope, nope, nope, notgoing to have it.
The other thing is self-care.
You need to care for yourselfand go for your goals.
(13:20):
With a narcissist, they don'tlike that again, because
somebody who goes for theirgoals, who takes care of
themselves and makes themselvesa priority, is also someone
who's less willing to believethat something is wrong with
them.
Okay, that they're always theproblem.
(13:42):
They're always the one thatneeds to fix it.
They're always the one thatneeds to change.
They're always, they're always,they're always right.
It's not true.
It's not always you, sometimesit is them.
Okay, and oftentimes, actually,if you're dealing with a
(14:05):
narcissist.
Most of the time it is them.
Oftentimes, actually, if you'redealing with a narcissist, most
of the time it is them Becauseyou're going to be more in a
self-preservation mode, right?
Doing self-care helps get youout of that self-preservation
mode and into a I trust me mode,because self-care is the very
(14:27):
definition of having your ownback Right now.
Self-care I love getting into,you know, bubble baths and
reading a good book and makingsure that I take time with
myself to relax.
That is absolutely self-care.
But there's other aspects ofself-care too like being
self-dependent, right,self-sufficient.
Like being self-dependent,right Self-sufficient.
(14:52):
Making sure that you're takingcare of your breakfast, making
sure that you're taking care ofyour nutritional needs, your
sleep needs, like making surethat you're taking care of you.
That is what self-care is, sothat way you know you can take
care of your kids and otherpeople that really do matter and
want to work with you in yourlife.
(15:12):
Make a plan is another thingthat I want to really stress
with you today.
If you are in a relationshipwith someone who is narcissistic
, then you need to make a planof what it is you need to do,
and so what I really suggestdoing is writing down all of the
(15:32):
different action plans you cantake, right, so you might decide
on okay, well, I could takethis action, but this is what
will happen if I take thisaction.
This is how I, how I'll feelthis is and you really, really
want to analyze that action.
(15:53):
Write down another one.
Write down another one likewrite down all of the action
steps you could possibly take inyour situation, whether it be
to leave to, to set boundaries,what are those boundaries going
to look like, etc.
Etc.
Etc.
Right, what is the plan?
(16:16):
And then you go ahead and youchoose the one that best works
for you.
I had a client that was reallystruggling with her narcissistic
husband and how he wouldn'ttake any responsibility at all
for any of the relationship.
(16:38):
It had to be all her all on herRight.
He'd blame her, he would tellher that it's all her fault it's
the same thing in blaming butand he'd belittle her, he'd
mentally manipulate her andoften lie to her right, and she
(16:58):
didn't know what to believeanymore.
So she decided to make theseplans, and one of the plans she
decided that she made was I'mgoing to tell him what it is
that I want from him likespecifically, you know like four
(17:20):
steps, like four things thatare easy, that I really really
want from him and see how heresponds.
They really want from him andsee how he responds.
If he responds favorably, thenwe'll give that like a two week
streak, and then I might add acouple more right, or even a
month streak and I might add acouple more.
But if he continues to blame meand he continues to tell me
(17:46):
that I'm the problem and that hewon't take any responsibility
whatsoever for his share in therelationship, then I'm going to
pursue a separation and I'mgoing to move out and I'm going
to start taking care of myself,right.
And so those are the.
That's what she decided to do,and it did end up that she went
(18:11):
for a separation right andeventually a divorce from her
spouse, but she's happilymarried now to someone else who
does cherish her, who does valueher mind and who is her
champion, right?
And so she had to take a lookat, like, what all of her
(18:32):
options are and how she wasgoing to do and follow through
with those options.
So that's what I mean by makinga plan.
The last thing is to become yourown best friend.
We talked about this a littlebit with self-care, but it's
also a self-belief.
Oftentimes a narcissist canfind like a little crack in our
(18:57):
confidence where we don'tbelieve in ourselves as much and
they can start this pattern, orthey get us to mentally start
this pattern of self-betrayal.
And that's part of the reasonwhy it doesn't feel good to be
with a narcissist is becausethey require patterns of our own
(19:17):
self-betrayal to stay in therelationship.
When you become your own bestfriend, you start to love
yourself to the point where youare no longer willing to
tolerate the bad behavior, theway that they're showing up, the
hurtful words, and you start toask yourself OK, how do I
(19:40):
really want to be treated?
What is it that I really loveabout me?
How does that person show upfor their friends?
What would you do Seriously,how would like, if your best
(20:01):
friend, her husband in front ofyou, treated her the way that
maybe you've been treated byyour narcissist?
How would you show up in thatmoment?
Right, and this is somethingthat you want to ask yourself,
like how, what would happen if Ishowed up that way with the
person I am with right now?
(20:21):
How can I have my own back?
How can I be true to me.
Remember that all relationshipsstem first and foremost from
your relationship with God andyourself, right, and that
relationships are merely simplya physical manifestation of a
(20:47):
deeper truth that's going oninside of our brain.
Something in our subconscioustold us that this person was
safe, and we need to really lookat why and look at other areas
in your life where you feltbetrayed.
Maybe you felt betrayed bymoney.
Maybe you felt betrayed by God.
Maybe you felt betrayed inother areas, right.
(21:11):
Oftentimes I notice that peoplewho have been dealing with
narcissists a long time alsohave kind of a narcissistic
relationship with money.
Not saying that they themselvesare narcissistic, but it's more
like the money shows up in anarcissistic way where, in order
(21:33):
to get it, they have to worktoo hard or they have to
apologize profusely, or theyhave to jump through all of
these hoops in order just to geta dollar, just to get a drop in
the bucket, and it's reallyinteresting that a narcissistic
relationship feels like that.
(21:55):
Oftentimes, a narcissisticrelationship does speak to our
money story and oftentimes theway we believe about our money
stories is often the way webelieve about our personal
relationships.
Hence the reason why they're aphysical manifestation of our
(22:18):
beliefs right.
They have to be so.
This is another piece of havingyour own back and being your own
best friend is getting reallyhonest with yourself.
One of the things that you getsick of is the manipulation of
the lies.
Well, the last thing you wantto do is manipulate and lie to
yourself.
It's very hard to have arelationship with people, as you
(22:42):
have well seen, that lie andmanipulate you, lie to and
manipulate you.
I should say Very hard to havea relationship with those people
, and this is part of the reasonwhy you don't want to do these
things to yourself is becauseyou want to have a relationship
with yourself.
An easy task, right?
(23:03):
People who manipulate and lieto themselves create a rip
inside their own soul and,believe it or not, this is also
something that the narcissistsare dealing with.
Is that rip in their souls?
Because whatever they're doingon the outside, they often do on
the inside, and this is whyit's so easy to become
narcissistic from narcissisticrelationships.
(23:28):
I'm sure that none of you, mylisteners, are doing anything
like that.
Granted, we do all have ournarcissistic tendencies, but
asking yourself really goodquestions and getting to the
roots of your own problems issomething that I highly
recommend.
That is having your own back,that is being your best friend,
(23:54):
because once we understand andrecognize truth, then we can
move forward.
We start to have an action plan.
Okay, so if you fell for anarcissist, don't beat yourself
up, it's okay.
You've got to really consider,like, the things that he or she
(24:16):
presented to you, um, that youthought were great.
Because the thing is is, ifyou're catching a counterfeit
version of it, if you canunderstand what it was that you
truly loved about this personand thought was just great and
made you immediately feel like,yes, I can do, I can work with
(24:37):
this person, then you can take alook at the traits and say what
are the like?
How does a person who's trulycharismatic, truly confident,
(24:58):
how does a person who's trulycharismatic, truly confident,
truly affectionate, really doesbelieve in me and my quality
with this person?
How do they show up for me andwhat are some of their language?
What are some of their actions?
Okay, my loves, I hope this washelpful for you guys.
I'm kind of sad, like I said,again, to be wrapping up this
(25:19):
podcast, but again let me tellyou to come over to the Boundary
Boss Babes podcast if you arelooking to start creating more
money for yourself, and I'lltell you one of the reasons why
I am switching to this isbecause I'm very passionate
about helping women create theirown money as well as healing
their relationships in theirlives, and I've often found that
(25:41):
when we do heal ourrelationships, especially the
relationships we have withourselves, money tends to kind
of follow those things, and soit's a very powerful concept.
I want women to have bothfreedom of time, money and feel
safe and confident in theirrelationships, and so, where
(26:03):
this was more of just likehealing from trauma, I wanted to
incorporate way more.
So definitely come find me overthere, and until next week,
guys, I'll see you on the otherside.
Bye, okay.
(26:28):
So I've got a question for you.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(26:49):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(27:13):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(27:36):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Um, also come and join immuneand unashamed uh for those
married couples that arefollowing me, because in that
group, me and my businesspartner kyson kid are also
(27:59):
talking and offering some greatcontent.
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