September 9, 2024 • 36 mins
Can betrayal trauma become a bridge to discovering your true self? Join us as we explore this profound question with Erin Anderson, who reveals how she helps individuals reclaim joy and identity amidst the chaos of betrayal. Erin shares her unique perspective on the healing journey, emphasizing the power of mindset and practical tools. Alongside her guest Stephanie, Erin contrasts their method with others that fixate on anger and frustration, offering instead a pathway to transformative healing through effective communication and addressing suppressed emotions. Let their personal anecdotes guide you to unlocking your full potential.
Get ready to be inspired by real-life examples of overcoming past traumas to build healthier relationships. We discuss the critical role of open and honest communication, illustrated by a client's story of moving past an abusive ex-husband and childhood hardships to improve her current marriage. Discover the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating underlying fears to foster trust and understanding. Plus, learn how joining Erin's free Facebook group and following her on Instagram can connect you with a supportive community and keep you informed about valuable resources. For married couples, don't miss out on the "Immune and Unashamed" group—your ultimate source for enriching relationship content.
Get ready to be inspired by real-life examples of overcoming past traumas to build healthier relationships. We discuss the critical role of open and honest communication, illustrated by a client's story of moving past an abusive ex-husband and childhood hardships to improve her current marriage. Discover the importance of setting clear boundaries and communicating underlying fears to foster trust and understanding. Plus, learn how joining Erin's free Facebook group and following her on Instagram can connect you with a supportive community and keep you informed about valuable resources. For married couples, don't miss out on the "Immune and Unashamed" group—your ultimate source for enriching relationship content.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, everyone, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Guys, this is our second tolast episode in this particular
podcast, so let me remind youagain to go check out the
Boundary Boss Babes podcast.
There is one episode ready togo, but there's a lot more
(02:55):
coming.
We're going to be talking aboutboundaries, the seven different
types of boundaries, how youcan know, like what boundary you
need to set, how you can know,like what boundary you need to
set, what are your emotionstrying to tell you, and also
like how you can transfer thatinto creating, you know, six or
seven figures for yourself.
(03:16):
Because I'm really passionatenot just in helping you heal
your relationships, but also inhelping you heal your money
story, because I feel like womenneed their own money to be able
to make decisions that theyneed, feel like they need to
make.
So that's what we're focusingon in that next podcast, in this
new one, so that way, you know,you guys even have even more
(03:37):
freedom.
So go check that out.
But also, I am keeping theother side of the struggle open.
It's not going anywhere.
I'm just not going to add newepisodes to that.
So go check out the new podcast, come over and listen.
Definitely do that, um.
But today I also wanted toinvite Stephanie back where
(04:02):
she's going to be doing talkingmore about betrayal trauma
healing in the other side of thestruggle Facebook group.
I still want you guys to get toknow her, to feel her fabulous
energy.
She has, you know, been trainedby me Let me go ahead and
polish my nails on my shirt forthat one and you know, I think
she just does such a fabulousjob with her clients and with
(04:27):
helping everyone heal.
That comes through her coachingdoors too.
So today we are chatting abouthow betrayal is different, like
how how we approach betrayaldifferently than everyone else,
and why it works, right, okay.
(04:50):
So, anyway, welcome, steph.
I'm glad you're here, you'rewelcome, okay.
So, truly like let's let's talkabout this for just a second.
Like I've been, like I've beendoing betrayal trauma healing
for 12 years, right, doing somuch for their clients and their
(05:28):
customers and things like thatthat I feel like if they learn
these principles, too, in theirown lives and are applying them
in their own lives.
Not only are they going to goout and create more for
themselves, but also more actualhealing for their clients and
customers, and so that's why I'mmoving over more into that
sphere.
But I will tell you that I havenoticed, like other groups on
(05:54):
Facebook, other podcasts, likethe way other quote unquote
betrayal trauma coaches show upand it's like a lot of focus on
the anger and the betrayal andthe frustration and what's
happened in the relationship and, um, not saying like I blame
(06:17):
them, because some of thesewomen have gone through some
really crappy things, but I feellike that's the focus of it,
you know, and that keeps peoplestuck.
That like really keeps themstuck in some really negative
thought processes, and thosenegative thought process really
(06:41):
stop their ability to actuallyheal and move past what happened
.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what have you seen?
You know as like healing fromthings, healing okay for me.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
A lot of what I saw in in myself was the
communication pieces.
I was not communicatingeffectively, um, but that also
came from past traumas as well,so like I didn't know that I
could communicate effectivelyand that was keeping me kind of
(07:20):
stuck from not healing, becauseI would just kind of bottle it
up and hold it in right, right.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And then, like, did you notice, like when you did,
fine, like because you can'tkeep things bottled up too long,
you know what I mean andeventually, like what happened
after the bottle, kind of thelid kind of came off, the bottle
well, okay, like though I Ikept my cool.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
I'm just gonna put it this way.
I kept my cool for the firsttime and and the second time and
maybe the third time thatthings went a little bit crazy
and then, like by the fourthtime, I was just like throwing
stuff.
I was like here's your phone,like I don't even want to have
this conversation anymore.
I was really angry and it justlike was like poof.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
So so maybe throwing things I threw a chair, so like
I think that would have probablydone more damage than a phone,
so it's all good I didn't throwit at his head, I, I threw it at
his foot oh no, I threw thechair at his head.
(08:31):
So let me just say this guyslike don't do that.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
No throwing of objects at all, you should not
throw things at people.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
It's not nice, no, but you know, like bringing this
back around, like I do thinkthat you know when we're angry,
even if we're not throwingactual objects.
Like please don't do that.
Like do not be.
Like, oh, aaron and stephanie,they totally advocate for
throwing things at my husbandwhen I'm angry.
(09:01):
No, we don't don't we totallydon't we actually hurdle words
when we're angry too.
You know what I mean, that'swhat I see.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Looks of daggers.
I feel like sometimes I wouldshoot looks of anger and you
could feel it.
It would just come off of youthat way yeah, it's an icky
feeling yeah, yeah, absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
You know, and you know I and I've heard like some
absolutely horrible things saidabout, you know, spouses that
have done betrayal, or evenfriends or partnerships or
whatever.
It is like betrayal is possiblein almost every single
relationship, even ourselves,right, man?
(09:54):
How often do we actually betrayourselves?
But when we focus on that and Ifeel like that's kind of how
we're different, you know, andhow we approach the problem
differently is we don't focus onthe anger, we don't focus on
the hate, like yes, it's veryreal, like what happened, like
(10:15):
we acknowledge, like whathappened is not okay.
And I remember I have thoughtto myself a few times as I've
been coaching, maybe just a fewlike seriously, husband,
seriously husband, seriouslyhusband, right, like husband of
my client, why are you doingthis?
(10:37):
Right?
Like come on.
But when we focus on the thingsthat we have no control over,
we start to feel helpless andthis is the cycle that I feel
like a lot of women are in andthis is the cycle that we are
dedicated to breaking you knowwhat I mean.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, yeah, I actually love that.
The control, the thing of beingout of control and being stuck
in that control cycle is becauseis where you can ask yourself
that question like what actuallyam I in control of right now?
Because you're not in controlof the behaviors that they're
choosing.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
No, you're not, You're absolutely not.
And you know, like I get, likewe totally get and acknowledge
and honor the anger too.
Right, because, let's be honest, any emotion is there, not
because we're supposed to throwmetal chairs at husbands or
phones, like not because of thatbut it's there to get our
(11:38):
attention that something iseither right or wrong.
Right or wrong, that's it rightnow.
Granted, we sometimes stillwant to throw things, like
there's a reason why there's axerooms and smash rooms.
Those places I do too, I do too, I totally do, or like going
(12:01):
and, like you know, getting onyour boxing gloves and punching
out like a boxing whatever, Idon't know what they're called,
but you know what I mean Amannequin Like a mannequin.
No, it's like a platform, it'slike a boxing tower, it's like
padded and you can like punchthe crap out of it when you're
(12:22):
angry, anyway, doesn't matter.
And like punch the crap out ofit when you're angry, anyway,
doesn't matter.
Those who those who are like,really into fitness will know
what I'm talking about.
Obviously, I need to work onthat, but I know my son.
My son has one and he like goesand he punches it sometimes when
he's angry.
So, which is good, it's a goodoutlet.
(12:42):
But if we like it, like like assoon as that emotion comes up,
like if we're thinking toourselves, what a douchebag,
what a jerk, like I hate him, Ican't stand him, why is he being
so stupid?
Like if those are our immediatethoughts, thoughts, it's going
(13:03):
to trigger more of that anger,right, but if we ask really good
questions and this is why youand I are so different I feel
it's like if we start askinglike really good questions, like
let's talk about why the angeris there, why is the anger there
?
Right, and we might be like,well, my husband's an idiot,
right, or this person's an idiot, or they did, they did, they
(13:26):
did.
Well, what is it trying toteach?
You is the next question, right?
Because if we look at ouremotions as really really
masterful teachers, I thinkthat's where things really shift
, Would you agree?
I think that's where thingsreally shift.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Would you agree?
Yeah, so I agree.
But I also believe thatemotions are there, because
(14:08):
without them, there would be nofeelings at all, can still?
You can still be like lovingand you can still be nice, and
you can still talk to them, evenif you're feeling like super,
super angry.
Because I know that, like, whenI'm feeling super angry about
these kinds of things, it'susually me questioning like what
I did, not necessarily whatthey did, because I always feel
like it's.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
I would always feel like it was me and not them so
kind of like you know steppinginto that self-betrayal a little
bit yeah, so I feel like that'swhere mine would always go to
yeah, no, I get it and I've seenthat happen a lot too in women,
and you know, because I've saidit before like betrayal, trauma
(14:48):
is actually often like why weget so angry is because we feel
like we're required to betrayourselves in order to keep this
relationship going.
But you know, if we get curiousand we also say like, okay,
well, what is it about the angerthat we're like, why is this
anger?
Why is this anger here?
(15:08):
And like, what is it that thisperson did specifically that I
don't like Right?
What is it specifically that?
Like what am I thinkingspecifically about what they did
right?
Why does this bother me sobadly?
(15:31):
I do feel like that's a goodquestion to be asking ourselves,
because then we can startactually thinking about the
conversation and the boundary,because anger, frustration, like
a lot of these negativeemotions that come up in our
lives, they are a gateway tocreating a really good boundary
(15:55):
and I think we know thatinherently.
But what we end up doing islike, well, if they do xyz, then
they're sleeping on the couch,right, and that's that's a
problem, because again, we'regoing back into the.
We're trying to control theperson and not what we do.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I agree, yeah, and solike I think we take that
(16:17):
approach very differently aswell, because I've said it so
many times like and totalshameless plug here for the
boundary boss babes.
Like we're totally talkingabout what boundaries are and
and how to enact them so youguys can create money, time and
relationships.
Go get the boundary boss babes.
(16:38):
Guys like, go do it anyway.
Shameless plug, shem's plug.
But like, when we get into theseboundaries, we misunderstand
because we're so tired, I thinkbecause we're so tired of
dealing with the quote, unquote,bs.
We want somebody else to showup, we want somebody else to
(17:02):
start taking some accountability, we want somebody else to start
taking some accountability, wewant somebody else to start
taking action.
Right.
But the truth of the matter isand I think this is where, again
, where you and I are differentis we realize that the healing
was not about what somebody elsedid.
It was actually that very thinglike what are we really willing
(17:23):
to take?
What are we really willing totake on?
What are we really willing todo?
What are we willing to takeownership for?
What are we willing to takeaccountability for?
Because if we feel like we'retaking accountability for
everybody's actions, everybody'sresults, everybody's
consequences.
(17:44):
That's exhausting.
Mm what I mean I get it.
100 has been there yeah, beenthere, done that, right.
So have I, like we've all beenthere and I think, like in that,
like that's, that's thedifference, right?
(18:07):
So you told me that you had astory about like how, wait tell
us, tell us that story, so thatway we can kind of get a good
illustration about, like, whythis works.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Okay about like why this works okay.
So this is about more of thecommunication side of things and
making sure you're having open,honest, loving communication.
So I have a client that I willnot disclose any information
that she has not already beenokay with me saying but and I
think a lot of people have, I Ithink a lot of people have been
(18:45):
stuck in her where she is.
So she had, she was married,she has, she had three children.
She, her and her husband wasabusive in different ways, but
they got divorced and she gotremarried to this other person
(19:07):
and this person, when she getsoverstimulated, they try to fix
everything and make everythingperfect so she doesn't actually
have to feel those emotions,right.
Well, this week, while she wasat work, her husband knew that
she wanted something fixed ontheir house, so he chose to
(19:35):
start fixing this part of thehouse and it was outside, not
inside, and she came home tofeeling overstimulated from work
, got out of her car and theradio was on inside of their
garage.
And then the radio, the doorwas, the front door was open,
the radio was on, all the lightswere on, the air conditioning
(19:58):
was on and the back door wasopen and she lost it and she was
just getting so angry so sheran outside and she's yelling at
him why do you have all this on?
I had to go through and turneverything off, nobody's even in
the house.
So I, I and so I said, well, Iwas like why did it make you so
(20:18):
angry?
And she said because she wasworried about her electricity
bill.
And I was like, and she waslike, and I know that he'll take
care of it and it will be takencare of.
I've been burned so many timesby my ex-husband who would leave
(20:42):
things on and then theelectricity bill would get too
high and then the electricitywould get shut off.
And so her entire anger wasactually more towards like, a
money, a money thing.
She was worried about money.
She was worried about herelectricity getting shut off,
and so we kind of talked aboutthat and I was like this is what
I'm hearing you say and this iswhat I'm seeing.
And she said, oh, that makesmore sense.
(21:02):
So she was.
I said I think maybe you needto have a open conversation
about like, what was reallybothering you in that moment,
and not that it was just that itwas on or that the door was
open but that you were feelingoverstimulated when you got home
and then you started thinkingabout like what if the
electricity got shut off becausethe bill changed?
That way he understands more,because if you're just like mad
(21:25):
that it's on, he's not going toreally have a full understanding
of why.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Yeah, well, and you know that that actually brings
up a really good point, becauseI talk about this too like if we
approach somebody, yelling andscreaming, all they hear is
yelling and screaming right, andnot the actual message that
we're trying to convey to them.
Now, you know, obviously, likeyou can like approach somebody
(21:51):
and not be yelling and screaming, and approach them again and
not be yelling and screaming,kind of like what you were
saying, and then finally, likewant to huck the phone at them,
right, right, but here's thedeal.
Like, I believe, like this iswhy boundaries are so important.
Right is because if we feellike we don't have anything we
(22:15):
can do, that's not true, right.
If we feel like we can't put aboundary in place because of X,
y, z or like what this person isgoing to do, again, that's not
true, right.
I think that what you're sayingis like you helped your client
(22:41):
accept what she was reallyfeeling, right, and helped her
realize, like okay, well, numberone, I'm, I'm putting like
what's happening to my, uh, myrelationships right now in, like
(23:02):
I'm, like I'm putting whathappened in my relationships in
the past on my current husbandright, like, like, and it it's,
it's something that we dobecause we don't want it to
happen again and we've we've hadsome really really negative
experiences, right, but helpingher understand like what was
(23:23):
really going on, helped her takelike the fear that she was
actually feeling and takeownership for that.
So what was it that she chose todo differently?
Speaker 2 (23:38):
So she chose to go and communicate with him her
feelings about that, but also soshe realized that she was being
the B word, which are her words, not mine, but it was still.
She said it.
And she also realized thatthere were traumas that she had
(24:01):
opened up while we were talking,that there were times in her
childhood where she didn't havewater or they didn't have
electricity going on in theirhome have water or they didn't
have electricity going on intheir home, and so she felt that
she couldn't trust her husband,her new husband, because of all
of the past traumas, and shedidn't want to bring it up to
him because she was worried thathe would look at her negatively
(24:23):
.
And I said that she needed tohave the conversation with him
because truth is love.
And I was like and that's myfavorite quote that my own life
coach says sometimes um, andthat if she's going to have, if
(24:44):
she, if she wants to move pastsomething, she's going to have
to have that open communication,in that it he he'll be
receptive to it as long as she'sbeing honest about what she's
saying.
And so she was going to go homeand I haven't got go home, she
wasn't at home.
She's going to get off thecomputer and she's going to go
(25:04):
talk to him about it as soon aswe got off.
Um, and everything that we'vecommunicated together in our
sessions which this was session47, 47, um, she has gone and
done everything that that shecan and then she's been
(25:25):
communicating more effectivelywith her, her spouse, and it's,
she said, it's been extremelyeyeopening because what I've
said he's like oh yeah, that'sexactly what I'm thinking.
So I'm I feel like maybe I needto no, my shoe nails on your
shirt.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
No, I love it.
I love it because it's it'strue, like we don't want, like I
think this is more like theresistant resistance comes in
when we're dealing with sometype of betrayal in our
relationships.
Right, we don't want to take onwhat we're not, what's really
not ours, but yet we feel likewe have to right, and so that's
(26:06):
kind of like where we make theslice right.
Is you helped her see, like,what she was actually
responsible for, like what shecould actually own right, and
what really wasn't hers right,and and I think that's really
important to bring to theawareness when healing trauma.
(26:29):
So you know, we really focus onthe love, the truth, right, and
I think that's part of thereason why we are like, like I
said, just why we're sodifferent.
But so why do you think stuffthis works so well like?
Why did it work well for you?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
So the thing that comes to mind is being able to
learn to separate things and Iknow this sounds really
interesting or insane, maybe Idon't know, but but like um,
when I have to do thecircumstances, the thoughts,
feelings, actions, results.
So, if I'm able to likeseparate everything out so that
(27:09):
when I like, when I was feelingemotionally vulnerable, I would
be able to then or too emotionalor whatever I'd be able to like
separate it and then see, oh,this is where my disconnect is,
and I think that that's where,like when I ask questions to my
clients, that's where I'm seeingthe most results is them being
(27:31):
able to break down, their Breakit down to where they're able to
see OK, so this is where it is.
And then I'm probably havingthis emotion coming from
actually somewhere else.
It's usually not even from thatsituation.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
So what I'm hearing you literally say is you take
things from disorder to order.
Yes, right, and I think that'spart of the reason why you know,
I know for a fact, like thewomen in my group or in your
group now too, right, becauseyou're going to be helping run
the other side of the show, likepeople are going to be coming
to you and chatting with you.
(28:04):
So please go schedule this callguys with Steph, because she's
fabulous, you guys will love her.
But there's order there, it'snot chaos.
And I think, like that's partof the reason why we are so
different is we don't focus onthe chaos, we focus on the order
(28:25):
.
Right, we give like steps, wegive like processes, we give the
ability to actually not notcope like we don't want you to
cope, we want you to actually beable to create the change you
want in your life.
Right, because the thing is is,coping is like exhausting, in
(28:48):
my opinion, like I know when Iwould sit there and try to cope
with my feelings or things likethat, like it wasn't actually
addressing the truth.
But once I started addressingthe truth, I started feeling
more organized in my own lifeand that organization gave me
the ability to start settingboundaries, start acting from a
place of actually having my ownback, place of actually having
(29:15):
my own back.
You know, and I think you'vesaid the same thing like that's
kind of what you're noticing toowith yourself and with the
clients you're helping, love it,I love it.
Guys, go get a call with stuff.
Okay, she's actually doing someinterviews this week, um, but
if you would like to actuallyget a free coaching, call you
offer those two right?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
yeah, I have free one hour free one hour coaching
calls.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Okay, do it get on these calls.
Stuff is so masterful inhelping you create the order,
the peace, the safety andknowing what your next steps are
when it comes to healing whatyou've been through.
(30:00):
So grab that call.
It's going to be in the link inthe description below.
And again, come follow me nowon the Boundary Boss Babes
podcast, and I think I've madeenough shameless plugs for the
podcast now, just a few, youknow, but in the meantime, guys,
(30:24):
we'll see you on the other side.
Bye, guys.
Okay, so I've got a questionfor you.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
(30:44):
If you haven't, go and do thatand this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
(31:07):
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
(31:31):
, and I love connecting with youthere.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
(31:57):
are there.
Um, also come and join immuneand unashamed uh, for those
married couples that arefollowing me, because in that
group, me and my businesspartner kyson kid are also
talking and offering some greatcontent.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, everyone, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Guys, this is our second tolast episode in this particular
podcast, so let me remind youagain to go check out the
Boundary Boss Babes podcast.
There is one episode ready togo, but there's a lot more
(02:55):
coming.
We're going to be talking aboutboundaries, the seven different
types of boundaries, how youcan know, like what boundary you
need to set, how you can know,like what boundary you need to
set, what are your emotionstrying to tell you, and also
like how you can transfer thatinto creating, you know, six or
seven figures for yourself.
(03:16):
Because I'm really passionatenot just in helping you heal
your relationships, but also inhelping you heal your money
story, because I feel like womenneed their own money to be able
to make decisions that theyneed, feel like they need to
make.
So that's what we're focusingon in that next podcast, in this
new one, so that way, you know,you guys even have even more
(03:37):
freedom.
So go check that out.
But also, I am keeping theother side of the struggle open.
It's not going anywhere.
I'm just not going to add newepisodes to that.
So go check out the new podcast, come over and listen.
Definitely do that, um.
But today I also wanted toinvite Stephanie back where
(04:02):
she's going to be doing talkingmore about betrayal trauma
healing in the other side of thestruggle Facebook group.
I still want you guys to get toknow her, to feel her fabulous
energy.
She has, you know, been trainedby me Let me go ahead and
polish my nails on my shirt forthat one and you know, I think
she just does such a fabulousjob with her clients and with
(04:27):
helping everyone heal.
That comes through her coachingdoors too.
So today we are chatting abouthow betrayal is different, like
how how we approach betrayaldifferently than everyone else,
and why it works, right, okay.
(04:50):
So, anyway, welcome, steph.
I'm glad you're here, you'rewelcome, okay.
So, truly like let's let's talkabout this for just a second.
Like I've been, like I've beendoing betrayal trauma healing
for 12 years, right, doing somuch for their clients and their
(05:28):
customers and things like thatthat I feel like if they learn
these principles, too, in theirown lives and are applying them
in their own lives.
Not only are they going to goout and create more for
themselves, but also more actualhealing for their clients and
customers, and so that's why I'mmoving over more into that
sphere.
But I will tell you that I havenoticed, like other groups on
(05:54):
Facebook, other podcasts, likethe way other quote unquote
betrayal trauma coaches show upand it's like a lot of focus on
the anger and the betrayal andthe frustration and what's
happened in the relationship and, um, not saying like I blame
(06:17):
them, because some of thesewomen have gone through some
really crappy things, but I feellike that's the focus of it,
you know, and that keeps peoplestuck.
That like really keeps themstuck in some really negative
thought processes, and thosenegative thought process really
(06:41):
stop their ability to actuallyheal and move past what happened
.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what have you seen?
You know as like healing fromthings, healing okay for me.
Speaker 2 (07:00):
A lot of what I saw in in myself was the
communication pieces.
I was not communicatingeffectively, um, but that also
came from past traumas as well,so like I didn't know that I
could communicate effectivelyand that was keeping me kind of
(07:20):
stuck from not healing, becauseI would just kind of bottle it
up and hold it in right, right.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
And then, like, did you notice, like when you did,
fine, like because you can'tkeep things bottled up too long,
you know what I mean andeventually, like what happened
after the bottle, kind of thelid kind of came off, the bottle
well, okay, like though I Ikept my cool.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
I'm just gonna put it this way.
I kept my cool for the firsttime and and the second time and
maybe the third time thatthings went a little bit crazy
and then, like by the fourthtime, I was just like throwing
stuff.
I was like here's your phone,like I don't even want to have
this conversation anymore.
I was really angry and it justlike was like poof.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
So so maybe throwing things I threw a chair, so like
I think that would have probablydone more damage than a phone,
so it's all good I didn't throwit at his head, I, I threw it at
his foot oh no, I threw thechair at his head.
(08:31):
So let me just say this guyslike don't do that.
Speaker 2 (08:36):
No throwing of objects at all, you should not
throw things at people.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
It's not nice, no, but you know, like bringing this
back around, like I do thinkthat you know when we're angry,
even if we're not throwingactual objects.
Like please don't do that.
Like do not be.
Like, oh, aaron and stephanie,they totally advocate for
throwing things at my husbandwhen I'm angry.
(09:01):
No, we don't don't we totallydon't we actually hurdle words
when we're angry too.
You know what I mean, that'swhat I see.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Looks of daggers.
I feel like sometimes I wouldshoot looks of anger and you
could feel it.
It would just come off of youthat way yeah, it's an icky
feeling yeah, yeah, absolutely,absolutely.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
You know, and you know I and I've heard like some
absolutely horrible things saidabout, you know, spouses that
have done betrayal, or evenfriends or partnerships or
whatever.
It is like betrayal is possiblein almost every single
relationship, even ourselves,right, man?
(09:54):
How often do we actually betrayourselves?
But when we focus on that and Ifeel like that's kind of how
we're different, you know, andhow we approach the problem
differently is we don't focus onthe anger, we don't focus on
the hate, like yes, it's veryreal, like what happened, like
(10:15):
we acknowledge, like whathappened is not okay.
And I remember I have thoughtto myself a few times as I've
been coaching, maybe just a fewlike seriously, husband,
seriously husband, seriouslyhusband, right, like husband of
my client, why are you doingthis?
(10:37):
Right?
Like come on.
But when we focus on the thingsthat we have no control over,
we start to feel helpless andthis is the cycle that I feel
like a lot of women are in andthis is the cycle that we are
dedicated to breaking you knowwhat I mean.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yeah, yeah, I actually love that.
The control, the thing of beingout of control and being stuck
in that control cycle is becauseis where you can ask yourself
that question like what actuallyam I in control of right now?
Because you're not in controlof the behaviors that they're
choosing.
Speaker 1 (11:18):
No, you're not, You're absolutely not.
And you know, like I get, likewe totally get and acknowledge
and honor the anger too.
Right, because, let's be honest, any emotion is there, not
because we're supposed to throwmetal chairs at husbands or
phones, like not because of thatbut it's there to get our
(11:38):
attention that something iseither right or wrong.
Right or wrong, that's it rightnow.
Granted, we sometimes stillwant to throw things, like
there's a reason why there's axerooms and smash rooms.
Those places I do too, I do too, I totally do, or like going
(12:01):
and, like you know, getting onyour boxing gloves and punching
out like a boxing whatever, Idon't know what they're called,
but you know what I mean Amannequin Like a mannequin.
No, it's like a platform, it'slike a boxing tower, it's like
padded and you can like punchthe crap out of it when you're
(12:22):
angry, anyway, doesn't matter.
And like punch the crap out ofit when you're angry, anyway,
doesn't matter.
Those who those who are like,really into fitness will know
what I'm talking about.
Obviously, I need to work onthat, but I know my son.
My son has one and he like goesand he punches it sometimes when
he's angry.
So, which is good, it's a goodoutlet.
(12:42):
But if we like it, like like assoon as that emotion comes up,
like if we're thinking toourselves, what a douchebag,
what a jerk, like I hate him, Ican't stand him, why is he being
so stupid?
Like if those are our immediatethoughts, thoughts, it's going
(13:03):
to trigger more of that anger,right, but if we ask really good
questions and this is why youand I are so different I feel
it's like if we start askinglike really good questions, like
let's talk about why the angeris there, why is the anger there
?
Right, and we might be like,well, my husband's an idiot,
right, or this person's an idiot, or they did, they did, they
(13:26):
did.
Well, what is it trying toteach?
You is the next question, right?
Because if we look at ouremotions as really really
masterful teachers, I thinkthat's where things really shift
, Would you agree?
I think that's where thingsreally shift.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
Would you agree?
Yeah, so I agree.
But I also believe thatemotions are there, because
(14:08):
without them, there would be nofeelings at all, can still?
You can still be like lovingand you can still be nice, and
you can still talk to them, evenif you're feeling like super,
super angry.
Because I know that, like, whenI'm feeling super angry about
these kinds of things, it'susually me questioning like what
I did, not necessarily whatthey did, because I always feel
like it's.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
I would always feel like it was me and not them so
kind of like you know steppinginto that self-betrayal a little
bit yeah, so I feel like that'swhere mine would always go to
yeah, no, I get it and I've seenthat happen a lot too in women,
and you know, because I've saidit before like betrayal, trauma
(14:48):
is actually often like why weget so angry is because we feel
like we're required to betrayourselves in order to keep this
relationship going.
But you know, if we get curiousand we also say like, okay,
well, what is it about the angerthat we're like, why is this
anger?
Why is this anger here?
(15:08):
And like, what is it that thisperson did specifically that I
don't like Right?
What is it specifically that?
Like what am I thinkingspecifically about what they did
right?
Why does this bother me sobadly?
(15:31):
I do feel like that's a goodquestion to be asking ourselves,
because then we can startactually thinking about the
conversation and the boundary,because anger, frustration, like
a lot of these negativeemotions that come up in our
lives, they are a gateway tocreating a really good boundary
(15:55):
and I think we know thatinherently.
But what we end up doing islike, well, if they do xyz, then
they're sleeping on the couch,right, and that's that's a
problem, because again, we'regoing back into the.
We're trying to control theperson and not what we do.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I agree, yeah, and solike I think we take that
(16:17):
approach very differently aswell, because I've said it so
many times like and totalshameless plug here for the
boundary boss babes.
Like we're totally talkingabout what boundaries are and
and how to enact them so youguys can create money, time and
relationships.
Go get the boundary boss babes.
(16:38):
Guys like, go do it anyway.
Shameless plug, shem's plug.
But like, when we get into theseboundaries, we misunderstand
because we're so tired, I thinkbecause we're so tired of
dealing with the quote, unquote,bs.
We want somebody else to showup, we want somebody else to
(17:02):
start taking some accountability, we want somebody else to start
taking some accountability, wewant somebody else to start
taking action.
Right.
But the truth of the matter isand I think this is where, again
, where you and I are differentis we realize that the healing
was not about what somebody elsedid.
It was actually that very thinglike what are we really willing
(17:23):
to take?
What are we really willing totake on?
What are we really willing todo?
What are we willing to takeownership for?
What are we willing to takeaccountability for?
Because if we feel like we'retaking accountability for
everybody's actions, everybody'sresults, everybody's
consequences.
(17:44):
That's exhausting.
Mm what I mean I get it.
100 has been there yeah, beenthere, done that, right.
So have I, like we've all beenthere and I think, like in that,
like that's, that's thedifference, right?
(18:07):
So you told me that you had astory about like how, wait tell
us, tell us that story, so thatway we can kind of get a good
illustration about, like, whythis works.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Okay about like why this works okay.
So this is about more of thecommunication side of things and
making sure you're having open,honest, loving communication.
So I have a client that I willnot disclose any information
that she has not already beenokay with me saying but and I
think a lot of people have, I Ithink a lot of people have been
(18:45):
stuck in her where she is.
So she had, she was married,she has, she had three children.
She, her and her husband wasabusive in different ways, but
they got divorced and she gotremarried to this other person
(19:07):
and this person, when she getsoverstimulated, they try to fix
everything and make everythingperfect so she doesn't actually
have to feel those emotions,right.
Well, this week, while she wasat work, her husband knew that
she wanted something fixed ontheir house, so he chose to
(19:35):
start fixing this part of thehouse and it was outside, not
inside, and she came home tofeeling overstimulated from work
, got out of her car and theradio was on inside of their
garage.
And then the radio, the doorwas, the front door was open,
the radio was on, all the lightswere on, the air conditioning
(19:58):
was on and the back door wasopen and she lost it and she was
just getting so angry so sheran outside and she's yelling at
him why do you have all this on?
I had to go through and turneverything off, nobody's even in
the house.
So I, I and so I said, well, Iwas like why did it make you so
(20:18):
angry?
And she said because she wasworried about her electricity
bill.
And I was like, and she waslike, and I know that he'll take
care of it and it will be takencare of.
I've been burned so many timesby my ex-husband who would leave
(20:42):
things on and then theelectricity bill would get too
high and then the electricitywould get shut off.
And so her entire anger wasactually more towards like, a
money, a money thing.
She was worried about money.
She was worried about herelectricity getting shut off,
and so we kind of talked aboutthat and I was like this is what
I'm hearing you say and this iswhat I'm seeing.
And she said, oh, that makesmore sense.
(21:02):
So she was.
I said I think maybe you needto have a open conversation
about like, what was reallybothering you in that moment,
and not that it was just that itwas on or that the door was
open but that you were feelingoverstimulated when you got home
and then you started thinkingabout like what if the
electricity got shut off becausethe bill changed?
That way he understands more,because if you're just like mad
(21:25):
that it's on, he's not going toreally have a full understanding
of why.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Yeah, well, and you know that that actually brings
up a really good point, becauseI talk about this too like if we
approach somebody, yelling andscreaming, all they hear is
yelling and screaming right, andnot the actual message that
we're trying to convey to them.
Now, you know, obviously, likeyou can like approach somebody
(21:51):
and not be yelling and screaming, and approach them again and
not be yelling and screaming,kind of like what you were
saying, and then finally, likewant to huck the phone at them,
right, right, but here's thedeal.
Like, I believe, like this iswhy boundaries are so important.
Right is because if we feellike we don't have anything we
(22:15):
can do, that's not true, right.
If we feel like we can't put aboundary in place because of X,
y, z or like what this person isgoing to do, again, that's not
true, right.
I think that what you're sayingis like you helped your client
(22:41):
accept what she was reallyfeeling, right, and helped her
realize, like okay, well, numberone, I'm, I'm putting like
what's happening to my, uh, myrelationships right now in, like
(23:02):
I'm, like I'm putting whathappened in my relationships in
the past on my current husbandright, like, like, and it it's,
it's something that we dobecause we don't want it to
happen again and we've we've hadsome really really negative
experiences, right, but helpingher understand like what was
(23:23):
really going on, helped her takelike the fear that she was
actually feeling and takeownership for that.
So what was it that she chose todo differently?
Speaker 2 (23:38):
So she chose to go and communicate with him her
feelings about that, but also soshe realized that she was being
the B word, which are her words, not mine, but it was still.
She said it.
And she also realized thatthere were traumas that she had
(24:01):
opened up while we were talking,that there were times in her
childhood where she didn't havewater or they didn't have
electricity going on in theirhome have water or they didn't
have electricity going on intheir home, and so she felt that
she couldn't trust her husband,her new husband, because of all
of the past traumas, and shedidn't want to bring it up to
him because she was worried thathe would look at her negatively
(24:23):
.
And I said that she needed tohave the conversation with him
because truth is love.
And I was like and that's myfavorite quote that my own life
coach says sometimes um, andthat if she's going to have, if
(24:44):
she, if she wants to move pastsomething, she's going to have
to have that open communication,in that it he he'll be
receptive to it as long as she'sbeing honest about what she's
saying.
And so she was going to go homeand I haven't got go home, she
wasn't at home.
She's going to get off thecomputer and she's going to go
(25:04):
talk to him about it as soon aswe got off.
Um, and everything that we'vecommunicated together in our
sessions which this was session47, 47, um, she has gone and
done everything that that shecan and then she's been
(25:25):
communicating more effectivelywith her, her spouse, and it's,
she said, it's been extremelyeyeopening because what I've
said he's like oh yeah, that'sexactly what I'm thinking.
So I'm I feel like maybe I needto no, my shoe nails on your
shirt.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
No, I love it.
I love it because it's it'strue, like we don't want, like I
think this is more like theresistant resistance comes in
when we're dealing with sometype of betrayal in our
relationships.
Right, we don't want to take onwhat we're not, what's really
not ours, but yet we feel likewe have to right, and so that's
(26:06):
kind of like where we make theslice right.
Is you helped her see, like,what she was actually
responsible for, like what shecould actually own right, and
what really wasn't hers right,and and I think that's really
important to bring to theawareness when healing trauma.
(26:29):
So you know, we really focus onthe love, the truth, right, and
I think that's part of thereason why we are like, like I
said, just why we're sodifferent.
But so why do you think stuffthis works so well like?
Why did it work well for you?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
So the thing that comes to mind is being able to
learn to separate things and Iknow this sounds really
interesting or insane, maybe Idon't know, but but like um,
when I have to do thecircumstances, the thoughts,
feelings, actions, results.
So, if I'm able to likeseparate everything out so that
(27:09):
when I like, when I was feelingemotionally vulnerable, I would
be able to then or too emotionalor whatever I'd be able to like
separate it and then see, oh,this is where my disconnect is,
and I think that that's where,like when I ask questions to my
clients, that's where I'm seeingthe most results is them being
(27:31):
able to break down, their Breakit down to where they're able to
see OK, so this is where it is.
And then I'm probably havingthis emotion coming from
actually somewhere else.
It's usually not even from thatsituation.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
So what I'm hearing you literally say is you take
things from disorder to order.
Yes, right, and I think that'spart of the reason why you know,
I know for a fact, like thewomen in my group or in your
group now too, right, becauseyou're going to be helping run
the other side of the show, likepeople are going to be coming
to you and chatting with you.
(28:04):
So please go schedule this callguys with Steph, because she's
fabulous, you guys will love her.
But there's order there, it'snot chaos.
And I think, like that's partof the reason why we are so
different is we don't focus onthe chaos, we focus on the order
(28:25):
.
Right, we give like steps, wegive like processes, we give the
ability to actually not notcope like we don't want you to
cope, we want you to actually beable to create the change you
want in your life.
Right, because the thing is is,coping is like exhausting, in
(28:48):
my opinion, like I know when Iwould sit there and try to cope
with my feelings or things likethat, like it wasn't actually
addressing the truth.
But once I started addressingthe truth, I started feeling
more organized in my own lifeand that organization gave me
the ability to start settingboundaries, start acting from a
place of actually having my ownback, place of actually having
(29:15):
my own back.
You know, and I think you'vesaid the same thing like that's
kind of what you're noticing toowith yourself and with the
clients you're helping, love it,I love it.
Guys, go get a call with stuff.
Okay, she's actually doing someinterviews this week, um, but
if you would like to actuallyget a free coaching, call you
offer those two right?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
yeah, I have free one hour free one hour coaching
calls.
Speaker 1 (29:40):
Okay, do it get on these calls.
Stuff is so masterful inhelping you create the order,
the peace, the safety andknowing what your next steps are
when it comes to healing whatyou've been through.
(30:00):
So grab that call.
It's going to be in the link inthe description below.
And again, come follow me nowon the Boundary Boss Babes
podcast, and I think I've madeenough shameless plugs for the
podcast now, just a few, youknow, but in the meantime, guys,
(30:24):
we'll see you on the other side.
Bye, guys.
Okay, so I've got a questionfor you.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
(30:44):
If you haven't, go and do thatand this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really, reallywant to get in and interact with
(31:07):
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
(31:31):
, and I love connecting with youthere.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
(31:57):
are there.
Um, also come and join immuneand unashamed uh, for those
married couples that arefollowing me, because in that
group, me and my businesspartner kyson kid are also
talking and offering some greatcontent.
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