June 10, 2024 • 50 mins
Have you ever felt the cathartic power of penning down your deepest fears and triumphs? Cheryl Bannerman certainly has, and she joins us to reveal how the art of writing became her sanctuary amidst the chaos of betrayal and abuse. In an intimate conversation, we traverse Cheryl's poignant journey, where journaling morphed from a simple act of expression to a transformative tool for healing. Her story is a vivid illustration of the strength found in vulnerability and the silent, yet profound, power of the written word in piecing back a shattered self-worth.
As we share experiences and delve into the complexities of emotional recovery, Cheryl's insights shed light on the resilience of the human spirit when faced with societal judgment and personal turmoil. Writing serves as a compass through the storm, helping to navigate the murky waters of triggers and intrusive thoughts that often plague our minds after a difficult relationship. Listeners will walk away with a renewed sense of hope and an understanding of how storytelling—through journaling or otherwise—can be an anchor of gratitude and a bridge to connect with others who share similar paths of pain and perseverance. Join Cheryl and me as we uncover the liberating journey of healing through writing and the gratitude that comes with emerging on the other side.
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https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
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https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
Other Side of the Struggle Guys.
I'm really excited about thisepisode.
Today I have with me CherylBannerman, and Cheryl Bannerman
is a prolific and versatileauthor with a portfolio of 10
published works across variousgenres, including mystery novels
(00:21):
, a children's book.
She's like.
I totally love this because shedoes a lot of things that I
want to do here.
I'm just going to be honest.
In 2018, she received theprestigious 2018 Book Excellence
Award for her poetry collectionWords Never Spoken.
And in 2020, bannerman's bookBlack Child to Black Woman Woman
(00:43):
an African American womancoming of age, story Garner to
claim winning the best booksaward in African American
fiction and the reader'sfavorite international book
award contest in urban fiction2021.
And readers can really connectwith Cheryl Bannerman's work.
You can purchase signed copiesof her books, subscribe to her
(01:03):
newsletter through her website,battermanbookscom, and when
she's not writing for her nextbook, she is running her
28-year-old virtual B2B trainingand development company based
out of her Orlando, florida home.
So I'm really excited, you guys, because Cheryl has quite a
(01:26):
history, she's got quite a story, she's been sharing a little
bit of it with me and she candefinitely connect with you,
wonderful people, my beautiful,beautiful audience, because she
understands betrayal.
She understands, you know, themild medium and the jalapeno
which we talk about quite a biton this podcast, and she
definitely understands one ofthe things that we talk about a
(01:50):
lot is how healing writing canbe when you are going through
just some really difficultrelationships, and so I'm really
excited to have her on thepodcast with me today.
So welcome, cheryl.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Hi, thank you for having me Appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
You're welcome.
I'm really excited for this,truly I am, because you know
you're, you talk you've beentalking about, like um, you know
breaking the silence, you know,and, and you know breaking the
silence, you know, and, and youknow when speaking isn't safe.
Because in your situation andwithout getting into a ton of
detail, you know that wassomething that you definitely
(02:35):
weren't allowed to do, right.
And so when you started writingyour books and you started
writing and journaling and andand getting this out, that
getting it out is a way for youto break the silence, correct
yes, once I finally got out.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
that's when I wrote my first uh journal words never
spoken.
So, uh, it was definitelyhealing and I would healing, and
I would say up to that point,journaling was a big part of
getting those feelings andthoughts down on paper to kind
(03:18):
of validate what I was feeling,what I was feeling.
And so I would encourageeveryone you know to take
advantage of journaling.
It's you could do it anywhere,you know.
Of course you have to keep itsafe, but you can do it anywhere
at any time.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Right, Right, Absolutely.
And you know, I will say likethis is like that was definitely
one of my most powerful tools,like just journaling, Like for
me it was letters to God.
Right, I would write down myletters to God and it was
awesome.
Like nonjudgmental, I may or maynot have asked for a few
(04:03):
lightning bolts to strike a fewpeople before you know.
You know ringing my hands andmaybe a little bit of guilt, but
it's, it is what it is and youknow the thing is is you can
just literally write downwhatever comes to your mind,
pour it out to God and the thething I loved about it is the
journal kind of became like asource of love and wisdom for me
(04:27):
because after I was donewriting it all out, I finally
had this ability to hear andreceive answers, receive wisdom,
and I would write them down asa response back from God, right?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
That was my journaling process.
I'd love to hear about yours.
Like you know, you talk aboutyour writing process a little
bit and you know how does thathelp, how did it help you and
how did it, how does it helpyour clients?
Speaker 2 (05:01):
My writing process whether I'm journaling or
writing poetry is very similar.
So a lot of people they likemusic, they like to be in a
formal setting kind of lean moretowards hand writing with a pen
(05:27):
and paper and curling up in bedor on the couch.
I just find it's a little morefor me.
I can definitely relax more andit doesn't feel as formal as
(05:47):
typing and then I kind of focuson exactly what is hurting.
When I was in that situation,what did I feel the most pain
from?
You know it's easy to writepoetry when you're going through
something.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
If you're not going through something, then you have
to think about what gets you upin the morning.
What are you passionate about?
You know it could be a causethat you're very dear to.
You know it's very near anddear to your heart, that you
(06:30):
advocate for and you can writeabout that.
But in an abusive relationshipor situation you want to focus
on the pain.
My pain for me mostly came fromemotions, verbiage that was
(06:58):
negative about me, that my mindwas believing me that my mind
was believing Um and so I wasprogrammed to believe that, um,
I was worthless.
(07:24):
Nobody would want me because ofmy medical conditions.
Uh, you know I've, I was fatugly, whatever you name it and
you're so gorgeous too.
Like definitely not something Iwould have it's true, it's so
funny, but once you'rereprogrammed, especially after a
decade, it's pretty much etchedin your brain as true.
So that's what I pulled and Iwrote about how that hurt me and
(07:54):
how I wanted to believe betterabout myself.
It was.
It was definitely a lot ofreprogramming that had to happen
after I got especially.
You know, doing one-on-onecounseling is very important,
(08:19):
but it's it's a reprogrammingthat you have to do.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
It absolutely is.
And you know, and you mentioned, you know it was different
because you could type it out orsomething, but just taking the
thoughts from your head andgetting a pen and paper and
writing it out was so differentand you know the reason.
Like so, I went to school to bean elementary teacher, Right,
and here I am, I'm doing apodcast about healing from
(08:44):
betrayal trauma.
Right, I get it, I totally getit.
But the thing is is one of thethings I've learned when I was
teaching was was the importancebetween you know, the brain hand
connection.
Yes, Right, and I see thisnowadays with with children who
are trying to do all theirhomework and everything like
that on on a computer.
See this nowadays with withchildren who are trying to do
all their homework andeverything like that on on a
(09:07):
computer and they're just likeit doesn't make sense, I don't
get it right, and it's becausethey're, they're not getting
that brain to hand connectionanymore.
And the thing is, is um thebrain actually to, in order to
be able to organize, actuallyneeds the, the ability to write
(09:27):
it down, and this is part of thereason why it's so healing is
because and it's so fast too,yeah, it's because you're
actually, as you heal, you'recreating or as you write, I
should say, you're creatingspace for those, for your
synapses, to reconnect, you'recreating space for the
reorganization of thoughts.
(09:48):
You're creating so much morespace, and that's one of the
things you absolutely need, youknow, when you're dealing with
um, you know those, thoseintrusive thoughts that you
believe are true, is it?
It's, it's like chaos up there,and the opposite of chaos is
organization exactly that'sright, and I you know it's also
(10:13):
about being heard.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
you know, if you're putting it on paper right, then
that validates it.
That means that, um, these arereal.
You know, a lot of times youknow the saying why did you stay
so long?
I don't understand.
Yeah, that whole thing.
I must have heard it a milliontimes, I'm sure After, even now,
(10:40):
to this day.
Like you know, when I talkabout it, people are like why
just days are long?
I'm like you just don'tunderstand get it it is, I mean
no, and so putting it on paper,you know, allows you, like you
said, to organize your thoughtsand and really validate what
(11:01):
you're feeling and what you'regoing through.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
and I also want to say I think it also helps you
finally start to realize truth.
You know, because you know youwere talking about like those,
those thoughts that you boughtinto you know that I'm not
pretty enough, I'm not fat likeor I'm not.
I am fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not
(11:24):
enough, I'm not enough, I'm notenough, I'm not enough, I'm not
enough.
All of these things.
And you know, I, I think everywoman you know today, has to
deal with that kind of stuffbecause we're told we have to
look a certain way, we have tobe a certain way.
It's like all totally surfacevalue stuff it is right.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
That's why I don't spend.
I really am calculated abouthow I spend my time on social
media.
You know, I make sure that myfeed is full of positive
affirmations and religiousquotes and nothing you know I
don't want to see.
(12:02):
You know, if somebody I followposts something that I find you
know triggering or negative, youknow I just unfollow so it
doesn't show up.
For me.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So you know, and I have to do the same thing.
I absolutely do and I will behonest, like I totally
understand.
You know when, when, when,saying like, people are asking
you like, why didn't you leave?
Well, duh Right.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Right how.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
You know how hard it is, yes, how, but, like there's
still aspects I don't understand, because I've never been
through domestic violence, right, yeah, that being said, it's
just that I do understand, likeyou know, those those intrusive
thoughts, you know, and, andlike how, how the writing flips
(12:55):
those intrusive thoughts intoactually understanding.
That's a lie, you know, and Italk about, like, even
affirmations are really hard fora lot of people because you've
got that voice in the back ofyour head, right, you know
that's constantly like thisisn't true, right, and it's a
(13:20):
little bugger, and soaffirmations oftentimes don't
work for people because theyhaven't dealt with that,
oftentimes don't work for peoplebecause they haven't dealt with
that.
However, I feel like you know,when you get down and you
actually write things out,there's a couple of things that
happen when you start toacknowledge actual truth because
, like, honestly, are those likestill thoughts that and this is
(13:43):
kind of a personal question butare those still thoughts that
you feel like you deal with?
Speaker 2 (13:47):
And this is kind of a personal question but are those
still thoughts that you feellike you deal with?
I think only if I'm triggered.
You know that that type ofthought comes back in my head.
But no, it's.
You know I've.
I've reprogrammed myself.
I have my confidence back.
I'm the old Cheryl that I wasbefore I went into that
(14:09):
relationship.
But yeah, sometimes it doesrear its ugly head.
Just to give an example, I waswith a girlfriend.
I had just met her honestly,through a women's group, and we
went to lunch and she wastalking about her beliefs and
(14:31):
how she doesn't eat.
I think it was just everything.
It was just, you know, no meat.
No, you know, she was 100%vegan and she also did not do
dairy.
And so I was like, well, I'mglad, this is a great spot for
you.
They have a whole vegan menu.
And so afterwards I was walking.
(14:56):
I was going to walk next door.
She had to go, but I was goingto walk.
Next door there was an ice creamparlor and I wanted to yes, and
I wanted to get my dessert andI, you know, texted her that
they had a whole like vegansection that was also made with
(15:21):
a coconut base, that was notdairy and it was homemade, and
so, yeah, and it was homemade,and so yeah, and it was so good
by the way, yeah, you're makingit like I got a pint to go home,
oh my gosh.
So she responds, and, by the way, I got digs about this
(15:42):
throughout the entire meal, soit was not helpful.
So she responds well, thank youanyway.
But I personally do not dodairy because of my beliefs, and
it doesn't really matter whatit's made with, and the reason
(16:06):
why I don't have health problemsand weight problems is because
of my beliefs and how I treat mybody, and so that was the whole
meal.
By the way, it was just allabout shaming me for what I was
(16:28):
eating my, you know, my fishtacos and, um, yeah, yeah, so
that, so my horrible choices iswhy um, you're not going out to
dinner with her again?
oh my goodness, no, oh, pleaseno.
(16:51):
The next day she texted me, hada really great time, we should
do that again, and I never evenresponded.
I think the young kids callthat ghosting yeah, yeah, like
no sometimes in life you willget a situation where all of a
(17:14):
sudden you have a flashbackright and it's like, oh my gosh,
maybe I am ugly and fat.
You know it's crazy, it's socrazy.
But yeah, everybody has verystrong beliefs, oh, that's okay,
(17:37):
that really okay.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
That makes me mad, oh , okay again.
So like whoa, like seriously,just whoa.
Um, I'm, I'm, I'm glad you'renot going to dinner anymore with
that person, like what the heck.
(18:01):
But so you know, I this is kindof brings in in a good topic
because, like you know, this isthis is where we get out that
journal again.
You know what I mean Like toreset ourselves, because after I
mean, that brought up a lot oftriggers.
You personally have beenthrough a lot as a child, you
(18:23):
know, into marriage and allthese different places.
So what did you do after that?
Like, how did you resetyourself?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So when I am triggered by any type of
situation similar to that, Ihave to go back to what I call
(18:54):
positive self-talk for me, andso I look in the mirror and I
start with my affirmations, liketalking to myself.
So hey, look at you.
You know looking great in thatshirt today, feeling good.
You know, look how you'rewalking.
You're not walking, your knee'snot even hurting today.
You're walking so good and Itry to encourage myself that way
(19:16):
.
So that's what I do for myself,and usually it just gets me
right out of it After about thistime.
It took about four days to toreverse what she did to me.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Wow, and how, like you know, four days is you know
to to to someone could be like along time, but like to other
people, that's like reallyreally fast.
Right, it totally is.
And so my, my next question isis like did you, did you do any
of the writing processes forthat?
(19:53):
Because I know like kind oflike what we were talking about,
like you get that voice in theback of your head, right, like
did that?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
show.
I started writing a short storyabout it.
You changed the name.
She's going to be a characterin one of my books.
Yeah, just part of thecharacter list of people who are
(20:40):
overly critical and justinsensitive and no empathy,
right, no social skills.
You know it's okay when you'rea kid, you know they blurt out
anything they want.
You know.
But as an adult that's notacceptable.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yeah, you've got to definitely watch, like what you
say, because you know you'resupposed to have a little bit
more more, you know awarenessyeah you know, at least, at
least we would hope, wow, justjust wow.
Okay, well, there we go.
But you know, I love, I lovethe fact that you know you are
(21:11):
putting her in a book.
I've been told I, so I've beendoing some writing and I've been
told that, you know, when youuse somebody in your books and
things like that and they behavelike that, right, they've kind
of waved their right of.
I behave like that, right,they've kind of waved their
right of not being a character.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
You become a character.
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That's a good way to explain that.
That's a really good way toexplain that.
Ok, all right.
So you know a lot of mylisteners they are women, you
know, whose husbands havecheated on them.
You know, maybe they're goingthrough pornography addiction.
(21:59):
You know, maybe they're goingthrough, you know just
definitely some relationshipdynamics happening.
You know just definitely somerelationship dynamics happening.
And you know there's also allthat self-belief that's being
brought up.
Like you said, the reason whyit's triggering often is because
of something we personally haveexperienced or gone through and
(22:19):
it comes to some type of ameaning for us, right, and
that's not to downplay.
Like what anybody goes through,like anybody that's going to go
through your situation is goingto say holy, you know, bleepity
, bleep, bleep, like this ishard, right, we don't swear on
this podcast, anyway, you know,and the same thing, like for
(22:40):
anyone, any woman that's goingthat her husband is is looking
at pornography or cheating onher or doing those things,
that's hard, that's hard crap,you know that's hard, that's
hard crap, you know.
So what can they do?
You know, like what kind of ajournaling process or what would
you suggest to have them writeout?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Well, everyone's going to write whatever they're
going through.
First of all and I just want toaddress the first part of what
you said and how it's affectingme now so there was pornography
addiction, there was alcoholaddiction, some drugs, or
(23:41):
sending images of himself tosomeone through a text message,
or just plain a woman callingthe house and finding out, you
know, he had, you know, donesomething with her, oh man, so
(24:02):
it was just constant, and thiswas during our dating,
engagement and marriage.
Wow, oh man, then I'll jumpback again.
So the writing for me, throughthe journals that I have created
(24:28):
for my readers, allows you toanalyze things, whether it's
your childhood versus somethingas an adult, and why you do the
different things that you do.
But that's what I've put downin my books to help readers
(24:51):
today.
For me, my father cheated on mymom a lot and I had experienced
it a couple of times when I cameinto full contact with the
woman and I flipped out yeah, soI guess it, you know, held
(25:18):
something for me.
You know that was very close.
You know that I experienced asa child and a preteen, and so
(25:51):
for me I had to, throughcounseling and a lot of
different written activitiesthat she helped me through, I
was able to understand why thatwas triggering because I hadn't
even made the connection, youknow, with my childhood and this
(26:15):
with my dad and this and whythat was so upsetting, how it
made me feel and how I cancombat those feelings Right that
you have to let go so that youdon't apply it to your next
(26:36):
relationship.
Yeah, yeah, that's that wholehealing process.
You got to go through it all.
You got to make the connection,understand the feelings you
know, write out the feelingsRight.
It's a long process because youdon't want to take that stuff
(26:59):
to your next relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Well, you don't want to take that through life in
general.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
Right, right, let's just not do that relationship.
Well, you don't want to takethat through through life in
general.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Right, right, like, let's just not do that and the
thing is, yes, you know, I lovewhat you're saying is because
when you started writing it down, you know and like getting that
validation and starting tounderstand, like, like your
thought patterns and things likethat right, yes, you also start
to sit in the emotion and oneof the things that I tell people
(27:28):
consistently is, if you'regoing to heal from this, you
can't run from the emotion.
You can't, you can't like justconsistently hold it forever
either.
So you know, this is one of thereasons why I love the idea of
journaling and writing thingsdown is number one it starts to
give you a story to tell.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And how many times do we actually have stories that
need to be told?
Yeah, and you know, I, for me,personally, you know, just
telling my story.
That's, that's the reason whyI'm doing what I'm doing today,
right, cause my story has beenso prolific.
Same with you, right?
If we actually got in and toldour stories, whoa, what a shift
(28:13):
this entire world would haveright.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
You don't know what your story, your story could
meant.
You know is meant to be toldfor a reason.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
There are people that are listening, that are like oh
my goodness, I thought I wasthe only one.
Yes, yeah, and you know, that'sthe craziest thing, like I hear
this all the time from women isis like I thought I was alone.
Yeah, I thought I was alone, Ithought I was the only one.
I did too.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I thought I was right when I started with the book
promotion and talking to readersthat there are other people
that have been through verysimilar situations yeah, yeah,
and you know, and I I'll tellyou, I chatted with a cat with a
(29:05):
gallon.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I can't share her entire story because it's number
one she hasn't given mepermission to but number two,
like, it's just freakinghorrific, you know, let's just
say it had a lot to do withsatanic ritual abuse, wow, right
, and it was like, oh my gosh,so gosh, so, so, so bad.
(29:27):
And the thing is is like, eventhough, like, we're going
through absolute hell, you know,there's also the, the people
who are going through so muchworse than what we have even
experienced.
You know, right, and that's notto downplay our stories either,
but just a simple fact, like,even though my story wasn't
(29:47):
anywhere near as bad as hers,right, right, nor even close,
it's just, my story was still soimpactful for her because, you
know, she basically said that ittaught her how to turn back to
(30:07):
God.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Right, because, yeah, and that just leads, that
really leads me into my secondpart of the journal, which is a
grateful journal.
Yeah, what are the things thatI'm grateful for?
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I, I, um, I recently, uh, last week, I had a friend
pass from cancer Sorry, she's avery dear friend and, um, I
think about the pain that shewas in and she was going through
it alone.
She had no family support.
And I say to myself you knowyou're complaining about
(30:57):
diabetes and your fibromyalgiapain, you know it.
You know know.
Look at what she's goingthrough Chemo every single day,
you know so it really makes youjust stop and thank God.
You know what I'm grateful forwaking up this morning.
(31:19):
Thank you, I'm grateful.
That's why I always bring in thefact that I can walk without my
cane.
Today, you know, like anythingto do with my health.
I try to bring that in becausesome people are in a wheelchair
and can't walk Right.
So I have to remember to begrateful, because one thing you
(31:42):
don't want to do is get acomplaining heart.
See, I don't.
You don't want to complain.
Oh, woe is me.
You know why did I go throughthis?
Why me?
Right, we have to focus on thepositive and improvement well,
(32:02):
you know, okay, I um there's a.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Do you watch the show ?
Have you watched the chosen, byany chance?
Yes, it's so good, it's so goodand.
Christ asked a very, verypowerful question to one of his
apostles and it was do you havethe faith to not be healed?
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Hmm, I remember that.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Right, Like I was, like my jaw dropped.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I'm like what.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Like whoa.
That stuck with me and thething is is like his story was
so like.
That apostle story was sopowerful.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And that's why, right here he is, he's crippled and
he's still proclaiming with joyand gratitude and love.
Like these are, like thecornerstones.
These are the keys to findingjoy, to finding yourself, to
understanding who you are, tounderstanding who you are.
(33:09):
And you know, and I'm notsaying, like you know, do you
have the faith to stay in thatkind of a marriage or that
relationship?
I'm not saying that at all.
No, you like no, no, no, let'snot even go there, but it's.
It's just that I do thinksometimes do we have the faith
not only to be healed, but toalso be grateful for the thing
that we're going through?
(33:30):
you know to, to just to give alittle context, to, like, um,
without without sharing a ton,my family's going through one of
the worst trials of our livesright now right, it's, it's,
it's hell in every shape andform, um, but I actually just
(33:51):
did a post on this the other dayabout, like, how grateful I am
for this trial, even though,like, even though what had
happened, like I, I that nevershould have happened, it never
should have been done, um, butit's given me the ability to get
closer to my kids.
(34:11):
It's given me the ability toreally connect with them, to to
be open, to teach them abouthealing, to teach them deeper
about god.
We've had some really spiritualexperiences, you know, all of
these things that wouldn't havehappened had we not needed to
turn Right, and we talk about,like you know, turning the other
(34:36):
cheek Right.
Well, when you do that, likejust turning your cheek, it
completely changes your focus.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
And one of the things that I say is you know what?
It was a horrible situation.
First of all.
What did I learn from it?
Right, I learned a lot.
I learned that I am't settingboundaries well.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
You probably couldn't set boundaries with this person
either.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
to be honest, no, from the very beginning.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
It's not like we don't see the red flags, we just
ignore them.
We see the red flags.
Let's just be honest withourselves.
We see the red flags.
Let's just be honest withourselves.
And so setting boundaries inrelationships, whether it's
family, friends, you know, justlike I cut that woman off, you
know.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You know, you just do what you have to do to protect
your mental health.
Yeah.
And then the other thing Iwanted to say about turning the
other cheek and people to thisday they don't understand.
But I don't.
I never hated my ex-husband.
(36:13):
Yeah, to this day I still wanthim to be happy and healthy and
I pray for him with hisaddictions and I love him.
So we love each other in Christ, we don't hate.
I have no hard feelings when Iwalked in, when I walked into it
(36:37):
, but when you see the first redflag, that's when you're
supposed to set boundaries.
You don't settle.
You don't say, oh, no one elseis going to come along or make
any other excuse.
You set your boundaries.
If someone is doing somethingunacceptable, then you cut it.
Yeah.
(36:58):
And then all of this wouldn'thave, you know, happened.
But I learned a lot and I tookwhat God wanted me to learn and
I turned it into a positive.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Absolutely.
And what a beautiful thing.
And it's like I've said so manytimes, you know, had I not gone
through and still going througha lot of things, you know, yes,
I would not have realized howdeeply I needed God in my life,
you know, and how deeply Ineeded him.
This is going to be ongoing.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Oh yeah.
I mean right in the Bible itsays you know it will be trouble
, you know in this world, and sowe're not, we're not going to
not see trouble.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you know the.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Thing is, is like I, oh yeah, no we're.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
We're definitely going to see stuff, and the
thing is, this is what I say topeople too, like saying that
trauma is a one and done is isunrealistic.
That doesn't happen.
You're going like I'm a traumacoach.
I still get traumas, you know,but once we start learning, like
tools like the journaling- yes.
(38:15):
You know meditation, meditation, you know EFT we talk a lot
about tapping here.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yes, you know um, meditation, meditation.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
You know, eft, we talk a lot about tapping here.
You know all of these differenttools and different modalities
and and mindset through, throughit all makes such a difference
when you literally are goingthrough hell and even though
it's hard and even though itreally really sucks and I think
sometimes people just suck I cantell you it is these tools that
(38:46):
, when I refer back to them, itkeeps you out of an emotional
withdrawal you know, it totallydoes, and that makes all the
difference when you're dealingwith trauma.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
That's right yeah, we live in a world where everyone
speaks their own you know mind,with no filter, and we're judged
on everything.
We're judged on our hair, our,our eyes, our clothes,
everything.
You know, and you have toreally protect yourself.
(39:21):
If social media is triggeringto you, do something about it.
Limit your followers, you know,limit what pops up in your feed
or, you know, delete youraccount if you feel like it's
not beneficial.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Right, right, absolutely, and get out a pen
and a piece of paper and startto write.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
That's right exactly.
I always say when you'rewriting um, if you're not
uncomfortable, then you're notdigging deep enough.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
Right, right, right, totally true, totally true.
And the thing is, is thewriting will give you a place to
still be safe?
Yes, exactly that's what itdoes.
Cheryl, thank you so much forbeing with us today.
What a great conversation and awonderful tool to be helping
(40:19):
people use.
Where can people find you?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Oh goodness, I'm all over the place.
The website isBannermanBookscom, and then
under Amazon, you can just lookup Cheryl and then Instagram.
My handle is Bannerman books 18.
And then Twitter.
(40:45):
You can find me at C Bannerman.
Oh one.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Go check her out, you guys, because she definitely
has got some great tools for youIf you're dealing with any type
of trauma, any type of abuse,any type of betrayal.
And lastly, like I said, if youguys would like a little
one-on-one help, you know, reachout to me and let's get a call
scheduled and get you going forsure with some great tools to
(41:14):
help you get into these spacesof healing as well.
Cheryl, thanks so much forbeing here and hopefully we can
have you back soon.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
What a great podcast show.
I love it.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
You're welcome.
Okay, guys, from my heart toyour heart, I'll see you on the
other side.
Bye.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
Other Side of the Struggle Guys.
I'm really excited about thisepisode.
Today I have with me CherylBannerman, and Cheryl Bannerman
is a prolific and versatileauthor with a portfolio of 10
published works across variousgenres, including mystery novels
(00:21):
, a children's book.
She's like.
I totally love this because shedoes a lot of things that I
want to do here.
I'm just going to be honest.
In 2018, she received theprestigious 2018 Book Excellence
Award for her poetry collectionWords Never Spoken.
And in 2020, bannerman's bookBlack Child to Black Woman Woman
(00:43):
an African American womancoming of age, story Garner to
claim winning the best booksaward in African American
fiction and the reader'sfavorite international book
award contest in urban fiction2021.
And readers can really connectwith Cheryl Bannerman's work.
You can purchase signed copiesof her books, subscribe to her
(01:03):
newsletter through her website,battermanbookscom, and when
she's not writing for her nextbook, she is running her
28-year-old virtual B2B trainingand development company based
out of her Orlando, florida home.
So I'm really excited, you guys, because Cheryl has quite a
(01:26):
history, she's got quite a story, she's been sharing a little
bit of it with me and she candefinitely connect with you,
wonderful people, my beautiful,beautiful audience, because she
understands betrayal.
She understands, you know, themild medium and the jalapeno
which we talk about quite a biton this podcast, and she
definitely understands one ofthe things that we talk about a
(01:50):
lot is how healing writing canbe when you are going through
just some really difficultrelationships, and so I'm really
excited to have her on thepodcast with me today.
So welcome, cheryl.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Hi, thank you for having me Appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
You're welcome.
I'm really excited for this,truly I am, because you know
you're, you talk you've beentalking about, like um, you know
breaking the silence, you know,and, and you know breaking the
silence, you know, and, and youknow when speaking isn't safe.
Because in your situation andwithout getting into a ton of
detail, you know that wassomething that you definitely
(02:35):
weren't allowed to do, right.
And so when you started writingyour books and you started
writing and journaling and andand getting this out, that
getting it out is a way for youto break the silence, correct
yes, once I finally got out.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
that's when I wrote my first uh journal words never
spoken.
So, uh, it was definitelyhealing and I would healing, and
I would say up to that point,journaling was a big part of
getting those feelings andthoughts down on paper to kind
(03:18):
of validate what I was feeling,what I was feeling.
And so I would encourageeveryone you know to take
advantage of journaling.
It's you could do it anywhere,you know.
Of course you have to keep itsafe, but you can do it anywhere
at any time.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Right, Right, Absolutely.
And you know, I will say likethis is like that was definitely
one of my most powerful tools,like just journaling, Like for
me it was letters to God.
Right, I would write down myletters to God and it was
awesome.
Like nonjudgmental, I may or maynot have asked for a few
(04:03):
lightning bolts to strike a fewpeople before you know.
You know ringing my hands andmaybe a little bit of guilt, but
it's, it is what it is and youknow the thing is is you can
just literally write downwhatever comes to your mind,
pour it out to God and the thething I loved about it is the
journal kind of became like asource of love and wisdom for me
(04:27):
because after I was donewriting it all out, I finally
had this ability to hear andreceive answers, receive wisdom,
and I would write them down asa response back from God, right?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (04:44):
That was my journaling process.
I'd love to hear about yours.
Like you know, you talk aboutyour writing process a little
bit and you know how does thathelp, how did it help you and
how did it, how does it helpyour clients?
Speaker 2 (05:01):
My writing process whether I'm journaling or
writing poetry is very similar.
So a lot of people they likemusic, they like to be in a
formal setting kind of lean moretowards hand writing with a pen
(05:27):
and paper and curling up in bedor on the couch.
I just find it's a little morefor me.
I can definitely relax more andit doesn't feel as formal as
(05:47):
typing and then I kind of focuson exactly what is hurting.
When I was in that situation,what did I feel the most pain
from?
You know it's easy to writepoetry when you're going through
something.
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
If you're not going through something, then you have
to think about what gets you upin the morning.
What are you passionate about?
You know it could be a causethat you're very dear to.
You know it's very near anddear to your heart, that you
(06:30):
advocate for and you can writeabout that.
But in an abusive relationshipor situation you want to focus
on the pain.
My pain for me mostly came fromemotions, verbiage that was
(06:58):
negative about me, that my mindwas believing me that my mind
was believing Um and so I wasprogrammed to believe that, um,
I was worthless.
(07:24):
Nobody would want me because ofmy medical conditions.
Uh, you know I've, I was fatugly, whatever you name it and
you're so gorgeous too.
Like definitely not something Iwould have it's true, it's so
funny, but once you'rereprogrammed, especially after a
decade, it's pretty much etchedin your brain as true.
So that's what I pulled and Iwrote about how that hurt me and
(07:54):
how I wanted to believe betterabout myself.
It was.
It was definitely a lot ofreprogramming that had to happen
after I got especially.
You know, doing one-on-onecounseling is very important,
(08:19):
but it's it's a reprogrammingthat you have to do.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
It absolutely is.
And you know, and you mentioned, you know it was different
because you could type it out orsomething, but just taking the
thoughts from your head andgetting a pen and paper and
writing it out was so differentand you know the reason.
Like so, I went to school to bean elementary teacher, Right,
and here I am, I'm doing apodcast about healing from
(08:44):
betrayal trauma.
Right, I get it, I totally getit.
But the thing is is one of thethings I've learned when I was
teaching was was the importancebetween you know, the brain hand
connection.
Yes, Right, and I see thisnowadays with with children who
are trying to do all theirhomework and everything like
that on on a computer.
See this nowadays with withchildren who are trying to do
all their homework andeverything like that on on a
(09:07):
computer and they're just likeit doesn't make sense, I don't
get it right, and it's becausethey're, they're not getting
that brain to hand connectionanymore.
And the thing is, is um thebrain actually to, in order to
be able to organize, actuallyneeds the, the ability to write
(09:27):
it down, and this is part of thereason why it's so healing is
because and it's so fast too,yeah, it's because you're
actually, as you heal, you'recreating or as you write, I
should say, you're creatingspace for those, for your
synapses, to reconnect, you'recreating space for the
reorganization of thoughts.
(09:48):
You're creating so much morespace, and that's one of the
things you absolutely need, youknow, when you're dealing with
um, you know those, thoseintrusive thoughts that you
believe are true, is it?
It's, it's like chaos up there,and the opposite of chaos is
organization exactly that'sright, and I you know it's also
(10:13):
about being heard.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
you know, if you're putting it on paper right, then
that validates it.
That means that, um, these arereal.
You know, a lot of times youknow the saying why did you stay
so long?
I don't understand.
Yeah, that whole thing.
I must have heard it a milliontimes, I'm sure After, even now,
(10:40):
to this day.
Like you know, when I talkabout it, people are like why
just days are long?
I'm like you just don'tunderstand get it it is, I mean
no, and so putting it on paper,you know, allows you, like you
said, to organize your thoughtsand and really validate what
(11:01):
you're feeling and what you'regoing through.
Speaker 1 (11:03):
and I also want to say I think it also helps you
finally start to realize truth.
You know, because you know youwere talking about like those,
those thoughts that you boughtinto you know that I'm not
pretty enough, I'm not fat likeor I'm not.
I am fat, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not
(11:24):
enough, I'm not enough, I'm notenough, I'm not enough, I'm not
enough.
All of these things.
And you know, I, I think everywoman you know today, has to
deal with that kind of stuffbecause we're told we have to
look a certain way, we have tobe a certain way.
It's like all totally surfacevalue stuff it is right.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
That's why I don't spend.
I really am calculated abouthow I spend my time on social
media.
You know, I make sure that myfeed is full of positive
affirmations and religiousquotes and nothing you know I
don't want to see.
(12:02):
You know, if somebody I followposts something that I find you
know triggering or negative, youknow I just unfollow so it
doesn't show up.
For me.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
So you know, and I have to do the same thing.
I absolutely do and I will behonest, like I totally
understand.
You know when, when, when,saying like, people are asking
you like, why didn't you leave?
Well, duh Right.
Speaker 2 (12:31):
Right how.
Speaker 1 (12:33):
You know how hard it is, yes, how, but, like there's
still aspects I don't understand, because I've never been
through domestic violence, right, yeah, that being said, it's
just that I do understand, likeyou know, those those intrusive
thoughts, you know, and, andlike how, how the writing flips
(12:55):
those intrusive thoughts intoactually understanding.
That's a lie, you know, and Italk about, like, even
affirmations are really hard fora lot of people because you've
got that voice in the back ofyour head, right, you know
that's constantly like thisisn't true, right, and it's a
(13:20):
little bugger, and soaffirmations oftentimes don't
work for people because theyhaven't dealt with that,
oftentimes don't work for peoplebecause they haven't dealt with
that.
However, I feel like you know,when you get down and you
actually write things out,there's a couple of things that
happen when you start toacknowledge actual truth because
, like, honestly, are those likestill thoughts that and this is
(13:43):
kind of a personal question butare those still thoughts that
you feel like you deal with?
Speaker 2 (13:47):
And this is kind of a personal question but are those
still thoughts that you feellike you deal with?
I think only if I'm triggered.
You know that that type ofthought comes back in my head.
But no, it's.
You know I've.
I've reprogrammed myself.
I have my confidence back.
I'm the old Cheryl that I wasbefore I went into that
(14:09):
relationship.
But yeah, sometimes it doesrear its ugly head.
Just to give an example, I waswith a girlfriend.
I had just met her honestly,through a women's group, and we
went to lunch and she wastalking about her beliefs and
(14:31):
how she doesn't eat.
I think it was just everything.
It was just, you know, no meat.
No, you know, she was 100%vegan and she also did not do
dairy.
And so I was like, well, I'mglad, this is a great spot for
you.
They have a whole vegan menu.
And so afterwards I was walking.
(14:56):
I was going to walk next door.
She had to go, but I was goingto walk.
Next door there was an ice creamparlor and I wanted to yes, and
I wanted to get my dessert andI, you know, texted her that
they had a whole like vegansection that was also made with
(15:21):
a coconut base, that was notdairy and it was homemade, and
so, yeah, and it was homemade,and so yeah, and it was so good
by the way, yeah, you're makingit like I got a pint to go home,
oh my gosh.
So she responds, and, by the way, I got digs about this
(15:42):
throughout the entire meal, soit was not helpful.
So she responds well, thank youanyway.
But I personally do not dodairy because of my beliefs, and
it doesn't really matter whatit's made with, and the reason
(16:06):
why I don't have health problemsand weight problems is because
of my beliefs and how I treat mybody, and so that was the whole
meal.
By the way, it was just allabout shaming me for what I was
(16:28):
eating my, you know, my fishtacos and, um, yeah, yeah, so
that, so my horrible choices iswhy um, you're not going out to
dinner with her again?
oh my goodness, no, oh, pleaseno.
(16:51):
The next day she texted me, hada really great time, we should
do that again, and I never evenresponded.
I think the young kids callthat ghosting yeah, yeah, like
no sometimes in life you willget a situation where all of a
(17:14):
sudden you have a flashbackright and it's like, oh my gosh,
maybe I am ugly and fat.
You know it's crazy, it's socrazy.
But yeah, everybody has verystrong beliefs, oh, that's okay,
(17:37):
that really okay.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
That makes me mad, oh , okay again.
So like whoa, like seriously,just whoa.
Um, I'm, I'm, I'm glad you'renot going to dinner anymore with
that person, like what the heck.
(18:01):
But so you know, I this is kindof brings in in a good topic
because, like you know, this isthis is where we get out that
journal again.
You know what I mean Like toreset ourselves, because after I
mean, that brought up a lot oftriggers.
You personally have beenthrough a lot as a child, you
(18:23):
know, into marriage and allthese different places.
So what did you do after that?
Like, how did you resetyourself?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
So when I am triggered by any type of
situation similar to that, Ihave to go back to what I call
(18:54):
positive self-talk for me, andso I look in the mirror and I
start with my affirmations, liketalking to myself.
So hey, look at you.
You know looking great in thatshirt today, feeling good.
You know, look how you'rewalking.
You're not walking, your knee'snot even hurting today.
You're walking so good and Itry to encourage myself that way
(19:16):
.
So that's what I do for myself,and usually it just gets me
right out of it After about thistime.
It took about four days to toreverse what she did to me.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
Wow, and how, like you know, four days is you know
to to to someone could be like along time, but like to other
people, that's like reallyreally fast.
Right, it totally is.
And so my, my next question isis like did you, did you do any
of the writing processes forthat?
(19:53):
Because I know like kind oflike what we were talking about,
like you get that voice in theback of your head, right, like
did that?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
show.
I started writing a short storyabout it.
You changed the name.
She's going to be a characterin one of my books.
Yeah, just part of thecharacter list of people who are
(20:40):
overly critical and justinsensitive and no empathy,
right, no social skills.
You know it's okay when you'rea kid, you know they blurt out
anything they want.
You know.
But as an adult that's notacceptable.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Yeah, you've got to definitely watch, like what you
say, because you know you'resupposed to have a little bit
more more, you know awarenessyeah you know, at least, at
least we would hope, wow, justjust wow.
Okay, well, there we go.
But you know, I love, I lovethe fact that you know you are
(21:11):
putting her in a book.
I've been told I, so I've beendoing some writing and I've been
told that, you know, when youuse somebody in your books and
things like that and they behavelike that, right, they've kind
of waved their right of.
I behave like that, right,they've kind of waved their
right of not being a character.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
You become a character.
Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That's a good way to explain that.
That's a really good way toexplain that.
Ok, all right.
So you know a lot of mylisteners they are women, you
know, whose husbands havecheated on them.
You know, maybe they're goingthrough pornography addiction.
(21:59):
You know, maybe they're goingthrough, you know just
definitely some relationshipdynamics happening.
You know just definitely somerelationship dynamics happening.
And you know there's also allthat self-belief that's being
brought up.
Like you said, the reason whyit's triggering often is because
of something we personally haveexperienced or gone through and
(22:19):
it comes to some type of ameaning for us, right, and
that's not to downplay.
Like what anybody goes through,like anybody that's going to go
through your situation is goingto say holy, you know, bleepity
, bleep, bleep, like this ishard, right, we don't swear on
this podcast, anyway, you know,and the same thing, like for
(22:40):
anyone, any woman that's goingthat her husband is is looking
at pornography or cheating onher or doing those things,
that's hard, that's hard crap,you know that's hard, that's
hard crap, you know.
So what can they do?
You know, like what kind of ajournaling process or what would
you suggest to have them writeout?
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Well, everyone's going to write whatever they're
going through.
First of all and I just want toaddress the first part of what
you said and how it's affectingme now so there was pornography
addiction, there was alcoholaddiction, some drugs, or
(23:41):
sending images of himself tosomeone through a text message,
or just plain a woman callingthe house and finding out, you
know, he had, you know, donesomething with her, oh man, so
(24:02):
it was just constant, and thiswas during our dating,
engagement and marriage.
Wow, oh man, then I'll jumpback again.
So the writing for me, throughthe journals that I have created
(24:28):
for my readers, allows you toanalyze things, whether it's
your childhood versus somethingas an adult, and why you do the
different things that you do.
But that's what I've put downin my books to help readers
(24:51):
today.
For me, my father cheated on mymom a lot and I had experienced
it a couple of times when I cameinto full contact with the
woman and I flipped out yeah, soI guess it, you know, held
(25:18):
something for me.
You know that was very close.
You know that I experienced asa child and a preteen, and so
(25:51):
for me I had to, throughcounseling and a lot of
different written activitiesthat she helped me through, I
was able to understand why thatwas triggering because I hadn't
even made the connection, youknow, with my childhood and this
(26:15):
with my dad and this and whythat was so upsetting, how it
made me feel and how I cancombat those feelings Right that
you have to let go so that youdon't apply it to your next
(26:36):
relationship.
Yeah, yeah, that's that wholehealing process.
You got to go through it all.
You got to make the connection,understand the feelings you
know, write out the feelingsRight.
It's a long process because youdon't want to take that stuff
(26:59):
to your next relationship.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Well, you don't want to take that through life in
general.
Speaker 2 (27:05):
Right, right, let's just not do that relationship.
Well, you don't want to takethat through through life in
general.
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Right, right, like, let's just not do that and the
thing is, yes, you know, I lovewhat you're saying is because
when you started writing it down, you know and like getting that
validation and starting tounderstand, like, like your
thought patterns and things likethat right, yes, you also start
to sit in the emotion and oneof the things that I tell people
(27:28):
consistently is, if you'regoing to heal from this, you
can't run from the emotion.
You can't, you can't like justconsistently hold it forever
either.
So you know, this is one of thereasons why I love the idea of
journaling and writing thingsdown is number one it starts to
give you a story to tell.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
Right.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
And how many times do we actually have stories that
need to be told?
Yeah, and you know, I, for me,personally, you know, just
telling my story.
That's, that's the reason whyI'm doing what I'm doing today,
right, cause my story has beenso prolific.
Same with you, right?
If we actually got in and toldour stories, whoa, what a shift
(28:13):
this entire world would haveright.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
You don't know what your story, your story could
meant.
You know is meant to be toldfor a reason.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
There are people that are listening, that are like oh
my goodness, I thought I wasthe only one.
Yes, yeah, and you know, that'sthe craziest thing, like I hear
this all the time from women isis like I thought I was alone.
Yeah, I thought I was alone, Ithought I was the only one.
I did too.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
I thought I was right when I started with the book
promotion and talking to readersthat there are other people
that have been through verysimilar situations yeah, yeah,
and you know, and I I'll tellyou, I chatted with a cat with a
(29:05):
gallon.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I can't share her entire story because it's number
one she hasn't given mepermission to but number two,
like, it's just freakinghorrific, you know, let's just
say it had a lot to do withsatanic ritual abuse, wow, right
, and it was like, oh my gosh,so gosh, so, so, so bad.
(29:27):
And the thing is is like, eventhough, like, we're going
through absolute hell, you know,there's also the, the people
who are going through so muchworse than what we have even
experienced.
You know, right, and that's notto downplay our stories either,
but just a simple fact, like,even though my story wasn't
(29:47):
anywhere near as bad as hers,right, right, nor even close,
it's just, my story was still soimpactful for her because, you
know, she basically said that ittaught her how to turn back to
(30:07):
God.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Right, because, yeah, and that just leads, that
really leads me into my secondpart of the journal, which is a
grateful journal.
Yeah, what are the things thatI'm grateful for?
Speaker 1 (30:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
I, I, um, I recently, uh, last week, I had a friend
pass from cancer Sorry, she's avery dear friend and, um, I
think about the pain that shewas in and she was going through
it alone.
She had no family support.
And I say to myself you knowyou're complaining about
(30:57):
diabetes and your fibromyalgiapain, you know it.
You know know.
Look at what she's goingthrough Chemo every single day,
you know so it really makes youjust stop and thank God.
You know what I'm grateful forwaking up this morning.
(31:19):
Thank you, I'm grateful.
That's why I always bring in thefact that I can walk without my
cane.
Today, you know, like anythingto do with my health.
I try to bring that in becausesome people are in a wheelchair
and can't walk Right.
So I have to remember to begrateful, because one thing you
(31:42):
don't want to do is get acomplaining heart.
See, I don't.
You don't want to complain.
Oh, woe is me.
You know why did I go throughthis?
Why me?
Right, we have to focus on thepositive and improvement well,
(32:02):
you know, okay, I um there's a.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Do you watch the show ?
Have you watched the chosen, byany chance?
Yes, it's so good, it's so goodand.
Christ asked a very, verypowerful question to one of his
apostles and it was do you havethe faith to not be healed?
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Hmm, I remember that.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Right, Like I was, like my jaw dropped.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I'm like what.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:30):
Like whoa.
That stuck with me and thething is is like his story was
so like.
That apostle story was sopowerful.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
And that's why, right here he is, he's crippled and
he's still proclaiming with joyand gratitude and love.
Like these are, like thecornerstones.
These are the keys to findingjoy, to finding yourself, to
understanding who you are, tounderstanding who you are.
(33:09):
And you know, and I'm notsaying, like you know, do you
have the faith to stay in thatkind of a marriage or that
relationship?
I'm not saying that at all.
No, you like no, no, no, let'snot even go there, but it's.
It's just that I do thinksometimes do we have the faith
not only to be healed, but toalso be grateful for the thing
that we're going through?
(33:30):
you know to, to just to give alittle context, to, like, um,
without without sharing a ton,my family's going through one of
the worst trials of our livesright now right, it's, it's,
it's hell in every shape andform, um, but I actually just
(33:51):
did a post on this the other dayabout, like, how grateful I am
for this trial, even though,like, even though what had
happened, like I, I that nevershould have happened, it never
should have been done, um, butit's given me the ability to get
closer to my kids.
(34:11):
It's given me the ability toreally connect with them, to to
be open, to teach them abouthealing, to teach them deeper
about god.
We've had some really spiritualexperiences, you know, all of
these things that wouldn't havehappened had we not needed to
turn Right, and we talk about,like you know, turning the other
(34:36):
cheek Right.
Well, when you do that, likejust turning your cheek, it
completely changes your focus.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
And one of the things that I say is you know what?
It was a horrible situation.
First of all.
What did I learn from it?
Right, I learned a lot.
I learned that I am't settingboundaries well.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
You probably couldn't set boundaries with this person
either.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
to be honest, no, from the very beginning.
Speaker 1 (35:27):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
It's not like we don't see the red flags, we just
ignore them.
We see the red flags.
Let's just be honest withourselves.
We see the red flags.
Let's just be honest withourselves.
And so setting boundaries inrelationships, whether it's
family, friends, you know, justlike I cut that woman off, you
know.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You know, you just do what you have to do to protect
your mental health.
Yeah.
And then the other thing Iwanted to say about turning the
other cheek and people to thisday they don't understand.
But I don't.
I never hated my ex-husband.
(36:13):
Yeah, to this day I still wanthim to be happy and healthy and
I pray for him with hisaddictions and I love him.
So we love each other in Christ, we don't hate.
I have no hard feelings when Iwalked in, when I walked into it
(36:37):
, but when you see the first redflag, that's when you're
supposed to set boundaries.
You don't settle.
You don't say, oh, no one elseis going to come along or make
any other excuse.
You set your boundaries.
If someone is doing somethingunacceptable, then you cut it.
Yeah.
(36:58):
And then all of this wouldn'thave, you know, happened.
But I learned a lot and I tookwhat God wanted me to learn and
I turned it into a positive.
Speaker 1 (37:12):
Absolutely.
And what a beautiful thing.
And it's like I've said so manytimes, you know, had I not gone
through and still going througha lot of things, you know, yes,
I would not have realized howdeeply I needed God in my life,
you know, and how deeply Ineeded him.
This is going to be ongoing.
Speaker 2 (37:32):
Oh yeah.
I mean right in the Bible itsays you know it will be trouble
, you know in this world, and sowe're not, we're not going to
not see trouble.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
And you know the.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
Thing is, is like I, oh yeah, no we're.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
We're definitely going to see stuff, and the
thing is, this is what I say topeople too, like saying that
trauma is a one and done is isunrealistic.
That doesn't happen.
You're going like I'm a traumacoach.
I still get traumas, you know,but once we start learning, like
tools like the journaling- yes.
(38:15):
You know meditation, meditation, you know EFT we talk a lot
about tapping here.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Yes, you know um, meditation, meditation.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
You know, eft, we talk a lot about tapping here.
You know all of these differenttools and different modalities
and and mindset through, throughit all makes such a difference
when you literally are goingthrough hell and even though
it's hard and even though itreally really sucks and I think
sometimes people just suck I cantell you it is these tools that
(38:46):
, when I refer back to them, itkeeps you out of an emotional
withdrawal you know, it totallydoes, and that makes all the
difference when you're dealingwith trauma.
Speaker 2 (39:00):
That's right yeah, we live in a world where everyone
speaks their own you know mind,with no filter, and we're judged
on everything.
We're judged on our hair, our,our eyes, our clothes,
everything.
You know, and you have toreally protect yourself.
(39:21):
If social media is triggeringto you, do something about it.
Limit your followers, you know,limit what pops up in your feed
or, you know, delete youraccount if you feel like it's
not beneficial.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Right, right, absolutely, and get out a pen
and a piece of paper and startto write.
Speaker 2 (39:44):
That's right exactly.
I always say when you'rewriting um, if you're not
uncomfortable, then you're notdigging deep enough.
Speaker 1 (39:56):
Right, right, right, totally true, totally true.
And the thing is, is thewriting will give you a place to
still be safe?
Yes, exactly that's what itdoes.
Cheryl, thank you so much forbeing with us today.
What a great conversation and awonderful tool to be helping
(40:19):
people use.
Where can people find you?
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Oh goodness, I'm all over the place.
The website isBannermanBookscom, and then
under Amazon, you can just lookup Cheryl and then Instagram.
My handle is Bannerman books 18.
And then Twitter.
(40:45):
You can find me at C Bannerman.
Oh one.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Go check her out, you guys, because she definitely
has got some great tools for youIf you're dealing with any type
of trauma, any type of abuse,any type of betrayal.
And lastly, like I said, if youguys would like a little
one-on-one help, you know, reachout to me and let's get a call
scheduled and get you going forsure with some great tools to
(41:14):
help you get into these spacesof healing as well.
Cheryl, thanks so much forbeing here and hopefully we can
have you back soon.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
What a great podcast show.
I love it.
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
You're welcome.
Okay, guys, from my heart toyour heart, I'll see you on the
other side.
Bye.
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