November 28, 2022 • 57 mins
In Part 1, my guest shares her thoughts on being a former gang member. She talks about her upbringing, how she was introduced to gang life, and the misconceptions about being in a gang. In addition, we discussed her being sent to a religious boarding school, which was in the media for numerous abuse allegations.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,
(00:35):
Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from
the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear
interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will
enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear
someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.
If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and
subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only hold
(00:57):
me down, don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on
the site as well as my book list, so please
make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.
You can connect with the kid on Instagram at the
Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you
are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast now.
If you are all caught up with episode, listen to
the bonus episodes by supporting the PSG podcast Patreon account.
(01:19):
To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward
slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that
all of my guests are nonnes so lest again this
week's episode, so I am super excited to speak to
my guest today as she will be sharing her story
on being a former game member turn child psychologist. So
(01:41):
to my guests, how are you doing? I'm how are you?
I am okay, I feel like I'm coming down with
look co ch'll but good. We almost at the end
of the week, thank god. Yes, I knocked that out
before the weekends you could turn up. Oh yeah, I'm
drugging up tonight, you' all. I want to say thank
(02:02):
you so much for being a part of the show.
So I thin get people a little background. How I
know my guests or how I found them. So we
have a mutual friend, and he was telling me to
join her book club, y'all. And her book club is
so lit, it's so like, um intellectual, like it's amazing,
right and mind if y'all know, I'll be busy and ship.
(02:25):
So for me to show up and like participates, I'd
be like, oh shep like I'll be chatting this ship.
That's what I wanted to tell you. That what's funny.
So last night her book club is every Tuesday, right,
and one of the girls has said, um, one of
the ladies she was saying, how somebody may a comment
about orioles being cracked. Yes, ye yo, why I hit
(02:51):
up our mutual friend. I'm like, no, Orioles really are
cracked up. And I was gonna say it out loud,
but I was like, no, I don't think this is
the time of the place. You should have. Though you
should have because we it's the reason I have this
book club. Like I don't know Pa've told you, but
it's really it's like it's a trap. Like so I
(03:12):
say like, oh, yeah, it's a book club. We're gonna
read this book and we're gonna get into it. But
really it's just like a healing space. Like I wanted
black people to have a healing space for them to
tap into other people in different professions, UM, in different parts,
because sometimes I have people from other states logging in
UM and just so they can connect and really like understand,
Like sometimes we went through some really traumatic ship and
(03:35):
we don't realize it and we need to like bound
be a bound for off of each other. And at
other times, UM, sometimes we just gotta laugh. Like sometimes
after having such a long day or long a week
with people who don't really get it, you really should
have you should have been like, but whatever it was,
it's cracked and I want to ke keep right on
with you, like you know, there's a whole track, yo,
(04:00):
I'd be fucking up the carry cake orioles really imagine,
like I don't be trusting the remixes like give me
your double stuff that I'm okay. So when I tell
you the carry cake orioles, I swear to guy and
I don't even like orioles like that. M dumb. Ships. Yeah,
I ate so much. One time I threw up like
(04:23):
you could just be pretty they so so when she
was like, I was like, girl, I'm ships are like right,
like they're delicious. Oh my god. But now our book
club is with thank you. So we have so much
to discuss. So let's start from the beginning. Child, So
(04:43):
tell us about your upbringing. So born and raised in Brooklyn, um,
but did a lot of them moving around. Um, I
kind of grew up. My mom was like really really rich.
She used to round like a number spot. So like
growing up, like I kind of like didn't really want
(05:05):
for any thing, like the first couple of years up
until around third grade. Um, and then she she had
got arrested twice and she at the time she didn't
have a green heart or um. And I believe her
visa was expired at that time. Basically, my mom was
an immigrant and she was scared that they was going
to ship put back. Um. So she was like, Okay,
(05:27):
I'm not gonna do this anymore. And now she had
us moving around went then she was really fill in Utah.
So we came back and like my fourth and fifth
grade years, Um, we were living in a shelter. Well,
first to the shelter, we're living at some lady house.
When why did you move to Utah? Like why are Utah?
(05:50):
So she had in Uh, I want to say my
uncle was living out there because mind you, so my
grandmother had thirteen kids. And yeah, so my grandmother like
she birthed thirteen children, and then my grandfather had also
had like ship ton of kids. So I want to
(06:12):
say this person was my uncle. Because I have so
many like aunties and uncles. I'll be like in my head,
I'm like, are you being uncle? Like are you Like
it's a lot, So I want to say it was
like an uncle at the time. Um. And then my
family like we're such a wide range of shade colors
and like someone's got green eyes something. So I want
to say this is my uncle. So the person had
(06:34):
convinced her to move to Utah. Girl, this woman had
us we were Mormon, like she had us get baptized
in the Mormon religion. Like my mom's a little she's
a little special. When I said, people will be thinking
I'm joking, I'm like, yeah, I've been almost like every
denomination of Christian faith that there is, Like I've been Pantopostal, Baptist, Catholic,
(06:54):
like she done had us in everything. So yeah, so
my uncle had her who think was oneful, had us
moved to Utah and then we were there and he
didn't really help her, like, so we lived. So it
was two of us to me and my younger brother.
And after a while he was like, yeah, I gotta go,
like y'all gotta find someplace to be what people are, right,
(07:18):
I guess, like people don't realize what they signed it
up for. Yeah, so like it's not just heard that
you're helping, like you feed in three miles And I remember,
so I was always quiet and like reserve, Like I
was really nerdy and yeeky, like I could like to
sit down and read a dictionary and be fine and
happy in a corner but my brother was very like hyperactive,
(07:39):
so he probably I know, Like it's funny because she
blames me for a lot of like the hardships in
her life. But it really be my brother that people
used to complain about, like, oh, he's too hyperactive and
he's making too much noise and it all. So he
ended up kicking us out while we were there, and
you were like moving around a lot. One day, girl,
(08:00):
I was trying to make a grilled cheese, so she
used to leave us in the house for ourselves and
mind you were like, I'm in like third grade and
he's younger than me by three years. So one day,
I'm trying to make a grilled cheese. I don't know
how to make a grill cheese. I'll punt the cheese
and the bread into a toaster with like butter on it,
thinking that that's how you make the grilled cheese. It
started like an electrical fire. It was like a whole
(08:21):
big thing. Um and that Yeah, she was like, you
go back to New York because we didn't like, we
didn't know nobody used right. Then we freaking moved back, um.
And she had like she I don't know where she
(08:42):
met this man. But my mom was also like very
secretive with her lifestyle, like with her life, like we
don't really know what one hand was doing, like it
was very strange. So anyway, she had met this man.
So we move in with this man, and I guess,
like should go sour with um. This is now we're
back in New York. I guess she'd go sorrow with them.
(09:04):
And he like fakes in eviction. So yeah, so he
like fakes in eviction. So he like goes on vacation
quote unquote um and has like his friends put like
eviction notices on the door, like while he's on vacation.
And I'm doing air quotes for people who can't see.
(09:27):
I know she's doing air quotes, but I'm like what
I'm doing because he's on this vacation y'all. Um, you know,
the whole time he's talking to y'all, my mouth is open,
Like what niggas, don't you're real road creative, Like you
couldn't just say it's done. It's so fun. I can't
with you and your kids, right, So, and I believe
(09:49):
it was probably like the wintertime too, if I recall correctly.
So we right, so we leave or whatever, and she
had us living in some lady's house, you know, fake
health again, like she had us like no there was
like no heat, no hot water, like no stow for
us to you. So we was eating like take out
food every day and just kind of making sure work
before my mom pulled the track and was like all right,
(10:10):
like we need to go to a shelter because it's
just been working. But the reason we knew that the
the eviction was fake was because like this guy, like
we had like a lot of like family friends and
someone ended up like telling my mom like oh, like
he still looked there like there was like he had
his friend come up like that fake notice, Like it
wasn't even a real like state noticed that we was
(10:32):
gonna evicted, Like he just want to jell out, right,
But before y'all went, before you went to the shelter,
So where was your father during this time? Like did
he know what was going on? So he did not know?
And the crazy thing is I found out much later
in life, Like I'm like in grad school, I believe
(10:53):
when I like finally like started like learning all this
stuff out about my dad. Um. But this whole time,
I think my father wants like nothing to do with me,
They don't want to know who I end doesn't really
care about me. Um. And the whole time I end
up finding out that he was actually sending her money
for me. And like this man owns like multiple like businesses.
(11:14):
He owns like multiple supermarkets, like he's like a millionaire
like in America. Um. And then his family like were
so we're from the Caribbean, Dominican and Haitian like back home,
they owned like a bunch of land, a bunch of businesses,
and apparently like he was like taking care of me financially.
I just never heard about it. Like to me, my
father wasn't ship, my father wasn't around. Um. She used
(11:38):
to kind of like I don't know, I feel like
there was like some type of animosity towards me because
so my so my biological father is one of my
uncle's best friends. And then so it was a trio.
So it was my uncle my father and then my
younger father's biological father. So this this is like a
(11:59):
trio closest father. Like writ it dies, my mother ends
up cheating on my father while she's pregnant with me
with my little brother's father. My father finds out it's
a whole big ship. End up being like domestic violence
ends up happening like my father ends up like being
her as um, like trying to cut off for a
(12:19):
year like to show like she did, like yeah, it
was like to signify like you're a cheater, you're like
a disloyal woman. Um. And then that's kind of like
when she's like all right, like I'm done with you
and they separate, um, and then she ends up this
one is crazy. She ends up like mind you, Like
my little brother's father is married to like this other woman,
(12:41):
and like she ends up like continuing the relationship and
she says she stopped. And then I find out like
she perfectly got pregnant with my little brother because the
wife kept like pressing her like, oh, why are you
like sleeping with my man? And she's like, oh, you
want to see me sleeping with your man? And I'm
gonna have a baby. So yeah, and so that for
a long time I thought my younger brother's father was
(13:04):
my father, but like we didn't look alike, Like there
was just like a lot of like weird things, and
like you could also tell like there wasn't really a
connection with me, the connection was more with my younger brother. Um.
And it wasn't until later on in life that I
found out like I have a whole different biological father.
I'm supposed to be like a little princess living in
and she's like keeping him away from me. Um, so wait,
(13:27):
and you also tell me the realty is your father
and your little brother father were best friends, right they was?
It was yep, them and my uncle that's friend. And
I ended up like getting all this information like from
my uncle like one day, like I was in d
R and um, like I don't know. I was just
being like like I seen it's a picture and like
(13:49):
the person looked like me, Like we looked alike, Like
who is this person? And then he was kind of
like yeah, like he was like one of and he
actually he's so he's so actually, Um. He took me
like on a motor cycle ride. He was like, oh,
we gotta take a ride for this one. And he
takes me like on a ride. It like tells me
(14:09):
all this ship and I'm like cursing that. He was like, no,
you know, I took you on the ride. I'm gonna
leave you in the house. But like I'm literally I
was pregnant with my daughter. When I'm like finding all this,
like so my emotions and my like I was, but
don't you love I've been with your family though, like
you begetting all the team you'd be like, wait, what happen? Yeah,
(14:30):
especially when they you know, when they don't want to
tell you, like they'd be like, oh, she didn't tell
you this, but then they tell you, like tell you.
I'm like, sir, like like would say nothing, Oh my god.
So at this point, y'all are living in the shelter.
So did you realize that you were living in the shelter?
(14:50):
And if so, what was that like as a child,
I think it was like more embarrassing than anything. I
definitely knew that we were in the shelter because it
was like a process. So like one random night again
I don't know why she loved doing ship in the
Quota winter because it was near Christmas time, she like
takes us to a police precinct and she tells the
police people like hey, we're homeless, we don't have no
(15:12):
place to go. Um, and then they drive us to
like this place in the Bronze Um because we're in Brooklyn.
During all this time. Um, they drive us to this
place in le Bronze, and then like it's like you
have to go through this process. I guess like it
was like a check in process. Um. So that first night,
we're like sleeping on benches, like it's a bunch of
(15:32):
different families, because it's also different like if you're a
woman with children, you go to somewhere separate. Then if
you were like single with no children for all, these
people are like families, but we're like sleeping on benches.
And then after that initial night they had to like
stay in like I guess it was like motels for
a night until you get a placement, and then it's
(15:52):
like you go to this like I guess like kind
of like permanent shelter housing and it's like an apartment,
but like there's a curfew. You can't have like sleepovers,
you can't sleep out. So I remember like that that's
the time because now I'm in like, yeah, fourth fifth grade,
that's the time people having like sleep over their birthday
parties and stuff. People are trying to take you out, um,
(16:13):
and I remember like I was always like oh, like no,
I didn't do that, and like I said, kid, I'd
be like, oh, like I have a curfew, like my
family has a curfew. And then like one day, like
I guess a girl was hit like she was a
little older and she was like, oh you loving a
shelter and I remember like do like I was like upset,
like but like she but she like started out because
(16:41):
you can't leave after certain time a tisitha And I
know because my cousin like so it was like it
was embarrassing, like as a kid. And then then like
so now you're you're living in this building where it's
like all these people from different backgrounds, and you know,
some people, I feel like they've become homeless just because
like life just throws it at them. And as some people,
(17:02):
I feel like it's they make a lot of bad decisions, um,
and they they're aware that they're making these bad decisions,
and they just continue. And it's kind of like a
family thing. Family lineage not always the best. Some of
these people have like mental health issues. So I remember
my mother again, she's like a single parent at the
time and struggling single parent by choice because my dad
(17:26):
was offering to help and stuff in but you weren't
wanting him. Um, so she would like leave us with
like other people's kids. So I remember, like I'm in
elementary school and she leaves me with like this boy
that's in high school and and like he ended up
like molesting me. Um, and she I feel like she
(17:47):
knew because a lot of people in my family, like
they have like these dreams when like think when bad
things happen, they have these dreams. And she's always been
very on point with her dreams. And I feel like
she would just like these little comments. And I was
scared because at the time, the boy was like, oh
you tell anyone, Um, you know, I'm gonna get you,
(18:07):
Like I'm gonna kill you and your family, dada da,
and like in my like fourth I was probably a
fifth grade. Yeah, I was just scared. I'm scared. Yeah,
And so I'm really I'm like, I'm I'm gonna shut up.
And in my head, I was like, because it was
it was monstation, not rape, I was like, it could
have been worse, Like in my little brain, so did
(18:28):
you know what it was? You knew what being molested?
Rape wasn't at that age. So at that age, I
didn't like those words. I didn't know like that act.
So basically he just had me like touching his penis
and he was like rubbing his penis like on my face. Um. So,
like I knew because my mother had already spoken to
me about sex and what like penetration was, because she
(18:49):
she was like, oh, like you could get pregnant. She
didn't have like a I guess, the normal sex talk
with me. She was just like, you can get pregnant.
Don't let anyone sit the penis in you. In my head,
I was like, oh, well he didn't do that. Um,
but I knew it was wrong because he had threatened me.
Mm hm. So I think I've also always been that
(19:10):
type of person, Like if maybe if he wouldn't have
threatened me, I would have been like, oh, like this
is normal, like this is all right. But because he
threatened me, I was like, Okay, whatever you're doing to
me right now is not okay. So what thank you?
Why do you feel like she kind of knew because
she just would make like comments like oh, you probably
(19:32):
think you're a woman, and like just like just strange
comments that wouldn't make sense to say to it elementary
like a girl in elementary school. And again, like I
wasn't promiscuous like I wasn't how they was a kid,
you know, I was a kid. Um and even how
as I say that, it's crazy that people ever can
(19:53):
call like when people be calling girls fast and so
I'm like their children, like what are you really talking
about right now? Um? But yeah, I think you're back.
Like I used to be like a tomboy, Like I
used to wear baggy ass clothes. And I remember she
used to like try to wear like have me where
like quote unquote girly clothes like tighter jeans and lagians
and stuff like that, like types and stuff. Um, and
(20:17):
I remember I like I used to cry like no,
I don't want to wear that that that. So it's
like it was very weird that she would like make
those comments to me. But like fast forward, like as
an adult, she like blames me because I did end
up unfortunately like getting raped run I was in middle school. Um,
and she my my cousin told her, like because I
kept it to myself, I was like, she's not going
(20:38):
to help me because she had also but she has
sent me to like a CS like it was just
a whole bunch of ship happening. Um. So then my
cousin like I think she was talking to my aunt
and my cousin was like, like, do you know what
she's gone through? Like so my cousin starts like yelling
at her and telling her all that ship and my
mom basically tells her, well, that's her fault. Um, So
(20:59):
she kind of I feel like she's kind of always
just like try to meet anything like sexual mindfault and
I don't really know why. She's probably gone through something
like now like psychologists bringing me. I'm like, you probably
went through some ship and nobody protected you, so you
didn't really know how to protect me. Um, And I'm
not okay, but you know what, or you make a
(21:20):
good point? Where is uh? So she thinks she came
out okay and she survived. She know you the same right,
And it's just like not be like I could have
went the complete opposite way. Like sometimes when I like
compare myself, I'm jumping around here, but like sometimes when
I compare myself to like people that was like in
the same set as me, Um, we don't all like
(21:44):
we have resiliency looks different and so many different people.
So my resiliency was like getting my ass out to
Hood's not really I'm still living in the hood, but
like getting an education the bground, y'all. We've recording those zooms.
I see the kitchen, I think the family don't look
good to me. I'm just saying some blue furniture child
(22:09):
don't look good the neighborhood food. You are the story, y'all.
I don't think she but what do I know? My
friends are having cat yet, so maybe I'm hating. I'm
so in the middle of Brooklyn Yard. I just I'm
(22:29):
an aesthetic queen. I like everything to be aesthetically appealing.
So I could bearly in the middle of a podcast,
but it's gonna feel like roty and a bitch. So
oh but yeah, so but like just looking at them
and like some of them like like there's like there's
people like in their thirties still game bang game like
(22:50):
like that thinks that should is like cool and okay,
um so, but like that's how they know how to survive.
Um so, residency really looks differently. I forgot how we
got here. But yeah, so you make a good point.
Um So I want to say that I'm just so
sorry that I heard um that you went through everything
(23:11):
as far as like me and Raven molested. And I
remember when I first met you in your book club
and I was telling our met for a friend. I
was like, yo, who is she? I am so intrigued
by her, like I want to learn more about her
and all this other stuff. So I really appreciate she
sharing your story. Thank you. It was funny. I saw
him recently. I was like, why you been hiding Like
I'm not for years, in years and years, I'm like,
(23:32):
why you hiding her? And he was like, oh, like
I don't know, Like he was really like I don't know,
like I just don't make it right, like that's a
lie because I'm met all your male friends, like I
know all your male beds friends. I like, I don't
want to hear it um. And then I was telling him.
I was like, you know, I spoke to her and
I was telling her like all this really traumatic ship
(23:53):
and like it's something about her energy because typically when
I talk about this stuff, like my boys be cracking all.
Bobby got started trying and like, I don't know why,
but there was just something about you, like I could
just say the ship, release it and it's just like
like I feel it, like I feel it inside, but
it's like I could still kind of maintain composure. So
I was like, yeah, she's special, like I like cloths,
(24:15):
Like I'm going to keep in contact with her because
I like her energy, her vibes, like she's had a
calming energy to her. Thank you, y'all. I was on
for like two hours talking about all types of ship
back first time. On the third oh, like we were
talking about everything, y'all like it. It went from this
conversation like us getting to know each other to like spirituality,
(24:37):
signing contracts and it was yeah, over now in middle school,
you were introduced to gang life in seventh grade? Tell
us about that. Yeah, so so yeah, so now we're
out the shelter. Um she has found like permanent housing.
The shelter was in Brownville. Now we have like permanent
(24:59):
housing and each New York um. But I was still
going to school and Flatbush in the Flapush area. So
girl like all this that's when my grandma lived at
the Brownsville Yeah she like you do remember that that
power outage? Yeah, girl, bro, I thought I was living
(25:22):
in the bill Like we're in the shelter during that
power outage, and like niggas was working wallet wallet and
like I'm a little kid, like now people body bust
into this house, like we don't know abody bust into
this house, Like people are wallet anyways. So yeah, so
now we're living in East York, um, and I'm going
(25:43):
to school and flat Bush mind you, like I'm like
in a gifted program, Like I'm like in this class
like smart kids. Um, but I still feel like I'm
not I'm not really being change and all this stuff
is like I'm figuring this out as an adult, Like
why was I like this? Like why was I always
cut in school? Why was I never in flas? All?
Was I was always doing all this stuff? And I
realized like, oh, I just wasn't being challenged, like because
(26:04):
I used to finish my work real fast and then
be bored Like so now I'm starting in trouble. So
I ended up like meeting. So I used to chill
with like the older kids a lot, just because like
the kids my age, I feel like they were like
super immature. They didn't really get it. I'm like, y'are
not like raising your little brother, like what do you know?
So I'm kind of like snoughty about it. Um. So
(26:25):
I used to really talk to the older kids. So
I end up meeting a bunch of the kids, um
in mainstream that's what we used to call it. So
it's like mainstream, and I guess like the special ed kids.
So those are all the kids who weren't in the
gifted classes, but those kids were typically like a bit older. UM.
So I started like hanging out with them, and then
I get introduced to this guy who's in high school, um,
(26:48):
and he's in a gang. Um he's prip or whatever.
And so we end up rocking like we saw it
or whatever, and I become his blue pearl. And a
blue pearl is basically like someone that's crip, like like
they're wifey basically. Um. And then so I'm like so
like I'm like me and this thing is like attached,
(27:08):
like wherever he go, I go, wherever I go, he
goes type things. UM. So like one day, like he
leaves me with his boys or whatever, and a lot
of people they think like, oh, they see a girl
with a bunch of guys, like she's a smart she's
the whole whatever the case is, um, or she's for
the team. So like some dude have like tried it,
So I like I punched them in the face, like,
(27:30):
so I'm like, oh, like, you're not about to talk
about me like that, not in front of me. And
just because my man left, you thought like like you
thought this was gonna be a thing. Um. So the
boy like hits me back. So we start like Brooklyn Sufflin.
I lose that fight because like I'm a scrawny little
girl like um. But like the other people like in
(27:52):
the set, they was like, oh, like you're about it,
like you have a heart um like, and there wasn't
like a lot of girls in this set, so feels
like not we need you. So I ended up playing
the square or whatever. Um. And that's like basically when
you get jumped in um. And then I became like,
remember was I scared when you got jumped in? Or
(28:16):
what did you like? Would you like, oh, she like
it's about to go down ah, because it was like
I know certain things we're not gonna go too deep into. Yeah.
It was like definitely like what four people A gives
you six? Six six people agaves you like, so I
had six and remember there's no like there were at
(28:38):
that time, I want to say, there was only three
other girls. So it was three girls and then they
picked the three smallest guys. Um, I want to say,
I feel like I was scared, but also like my
adrenaline was Russian, like I think I was more I was.
So I was like very like because people used to
be like, yo, you're so pretty. Why you do all
(29:00):
this ship? You're so pretty? So I was really like, yeo,
what they sunk up my face? Like that was my
main Like I don't think I was scared about nothing else.
It's just like, y'all, I hope they don't sunk up
my face. I think that was like my real thing.
And then with the adrenaline, it's just like so I know,
you have to show that you can, like you can
like you're not going to cry, You're not gonna break down.
(29:20):
So like I had all that kind of like going
for me. So I think it was just too many
emotions all at once. Um, yeah, definitely. And then honestly,
in that moment it felt super super long. But afterwards
I was like like, I don't even I don't remember
half the ship. I know there was one like they
was hitting me man hard, but like I don't know,
(29:43):
Like afterwards, I'm like, oh, like that wasn't terrible terrible.
I used to see worse like they used to like
picture up hit people. But like I used to see
some ship. I was like, oh, I feel like they
weren't even on me. I ain't gonna front like I
feel like they weren't a little easy on me. Listen
when we were talking to y'all, I tell her if
something go down, I got my money on her because
(30:06):
I'm like listening, They ain't No way, did I tell
you when when she told me she was in the gang,
I said it was crip, wasn't It was like and
I say, because every Crip I know is mad intellectual.
And I was telling you, I'm like, yo, people be
(30:27):
thinking we'd be having these meetings like so we have
like meetings where you have to meet up and just
talk about like different missions that we got to go
to and stuff like that, or if you do something wrong,
like you have to hit the square and stuff like that.
So but I was telling how I was like, you know,
we wasn't really on the horship like we would be
talking about like business and politics, and we're talking about
(30:47):
like being like having our third I opened like I'm
telling you, like me really used to like that into
these talk about conspiracy theories, Like I'm like people beating
think that we're just talking about like drugs and guns
and stuff. I'm like not not at all, Like because
he's recommended bok toe each other, like crip that was
(31:08):
not woke. Every crip I met is like like it's
a different level of wokens. Yes, it's And then I
don't really know that many m blood people, but I
feel like it's the ViBe's not the same. Like I'm like, oh,
y'all be on your ratchet ship, like I want to
party and bullshit. Right? Is it true that in most
(31:29):
gangs some of the girls get sucked in? So it's
it's twofold, right, So girls do get quote unquote in,
but the girls who get sucked in typically the people,
like the people within the set. You don't consider that
person all part of the game. So that's like a
(31:51):
tactic that some of the guys used just to run
a train on girls. Um, And that's actually, Um, that's
see how I ended up getting sexually assaulted like in
middle school. Um. Because so when you do something wrong,
like you have to hit the square and I just
(32:13):
so it's just basically like you have to fight um,
and they give you a certain number of people that
you have to fight, and the certain amount of time
ranges from three to six minutes, um, depending on what
game you are, Um, well what set you're in, Like
every set has like their own set of rules. UM.
So yeah, so that's just what hitting the square is,
just fighting. Um But yeah, so basically those girls they're
(32:39):
not really in that, like they just become the sets
kind of like there their person to have sex with,
Like they take advantage those girls. Um. So the set
that I was in that wasn't allowed. There was no
such thing as getting sucked in. Um. And then there
actually was a girl who kind of sluck with everyone
(32:59):
in the set, but she could fight. Like that bitch
still hit the square like she sucked everyone, but that's
not how she got into the set, Like she just
ended up also sucking everyone. That was just her prerogative. Um.
But yeah, that's definitely a thing. But that's actually like
it's like a misconception, Like a lot of people think
like that's the only way that girls get in And
I was like, well, actually, like those girls typically aren't
(33:21):
considered a part of the set, like they're just they're
like groupies. Mm hmmm. What would you say are some
other misconceptions of of being in the game, Because I
feel like, you know, I'm not trying to glamorize the
gang culture book. We both know that when games were
first started, it was to protect the community. Yes, it
(33:42):
surely was. It surely was, um and not to glamorize
it either. But honestly, it was the only family I had,
like growing up like around that age, like I didn't
really have anyone in like my immediate blood family who
would protect me if something was to go left. Um,
(34:02):
So I provided that sense of protection. Um. It provided
I don't know, like a safe haven like whenever ship
went wrong, even like emotionally, like you could tap into
people in your set. Um. I remember my mom had
(34:23):
kicked me out, and like like they would take me
to like churches to eat. Like they'd be like, oh,
this church, there's like hot meals, and they would take
me there, or they will take me to like their
grandma's house. Like. Um, the people that I've met, like
I said, I had closer relationships like with them and
their families than I think anyone else that I've ever met,
(34:46):
like and been friends with. Oh, it was just like
really interconnected, like it was really community. Um. And I
want to say, like I don't know, we just also
like really held each other accountable, like you knew you
would have to hit the square if you did some
ship wrong, Like you had to be loyal. There was
no such thing as being disroyal. Um. Like I remember
(35:08):
the first time I got locked up, Like the first
time I went to Julie, I didn't even do ship.
Like the dude I was with had robbed somebody. I thought,
silly bee was like I'm gonna stay on the block,
like I robbed him. Um. The boy had came around
um with the police and he had like pointing me out,
like oh she was with him, and they took me
in and like I I didn't say a word. Um.
(35:30):
But like just having someone that's that that that is
that loyal to you, I feel like I don't know.
But then again, like as an adult now like that's
a little toxic um. But at that time, like I said, yeah,
like no one should be that loyal, Like I'm sorry,
like you putting you putting yourself on the line for
somebody else, um, but somebody for somebody else's bad decision
(35:54):
at that it's not even like this was like a
good like no, like they just stow somebody's falling or
whatever cas is um m. But yeah, I don't know.
It was just like real close knit. And I feel
like the reason why people join these gangs is because
they're looking for that connection with somebody. Right, do you
ever miss it? Uh? I don't, Yes, and no, I
(36:23):
don't miss being in a gang. But I missed my people,
like because they not thought they wrote me off like
we got the um, but they really was like so
I got sent away? Oh don't okay, all right, but
all right, So I'm just gonna say that I just
missed the people because they can't they let me go
(36:46):
um And I was just like, dang, y'all letting me go?
Like yeah, not like I think like y'all, like y'are
really extant communication, Like I don't I feel like an
Amish person, you know, like person get kicked out of
their community. They're like you're you're like okay, So we're
gonna talk about that part then, because that comes out
to another part of y'all story. Y'all, y'all would think
(37:08):
this girl was like pushing forty like you got mad
like is she not even dirty? Ye, which is crazy?
But what was the role that you play and being
in the game, because I know you was with the ship.
I was with this ship all the fucking time a
little bit too often, um so. And I wasn't even
(37:34):
in it for that long. I was really just in
it from seven to like tenth grade. Um so like
telling you like three years. Um. But like I used
to do like a lot of missions. So um the
boys really did, I want to say, like the quote
unquote like dangerous work like actually selling stuff. Um. Actually,
like they would actually like you know, have weapons and
(37:57):
using them. Um. I feel like I was more. They
always used to say, like I do too much because
I would always be like I'm not jumping nobody, so
like if someone has to hit the square, I would
participate in squares, but like if we had to like
fight someone outside of this set, like people would jump
people and like no, like we're fighting one on one,
Like if I can't handle this person one on one,
like that's a problem, would be like, oh, you do
(38:18):
too much, You've got too many rules that um So
I remember like that. Um But basically, like I used
to like hold weight for the boys, because like girls
didn't like we didn't really get searched this, we didn't
really get stopped like during that stopping frisk error. Um. Yeah,
so like I could get away and like I was
also one of the younger people because I was still
(38:39):
in middle school at the time. Um, so I could
like move around the hood and nobody would like really
look twice at me. Um. I don't remember. At one
point my mom had kicked me out, like I was
like living in the Trap house. So like I was
like kind of like I had like this, I was
talking to any about this, like how I'm so good
at like helping entrepreneurs that kind of figure their ship out,
(39:01):
but I can't give it for myself. So I remember
like I used to like put systems in place like
at the Trap like like oh, like we need to
do it this way because it will run smoother and
tod of that. And I remember like the Big Homies um,
and that's just like a title like they got the
Foot Soldiers, A Little Homies, Big Homies, O GS and
all that. So um, like I don remember like the
(39:23):
Big Homies would be like like you're smart, like you're young,
but you got this, Like so they would like really
sit there and listen to me. Um. So I feel
like I was more like doing like logistics. And I
guess like in terms of missions, that was really doing
more like holding shipped down and like deliberate stuff rather
than doing like dirty dirty work. I guess yeah. And
(39:46):
then of course if the guys got into an issue
with a female, they just sent my ask to go
handle it. Right. Do you ever think about all the
bitches you beat up all the time? So when some
he tries me now, like as an adult, I just
looked at them. I'll be like I can fuck your
shut up right now. Like I just like with the
(40:07):
fingers that are like in my head, I'm like, suck
your ship up right now, um or like or sometimes
I get scared. So I don't know how many times,
like I've like walked down the block and like I'll
see like I'll see girls who look like me when
I was growing up, like with a bunch of guys
like looking like they, and yeah, and I'm like, do
(40:27):
I still got it? Like if this little bit trying
me right now, like do I still got it? So
I'll be thinking about that. I'm like I used to
suck some bitches up. When I was younger, I was like,
I don't know if I still got it. Um, So
like a little stuff like that, I will think about um.
But I actually discussed this in book club because we're
talking about like, um, violence now and how it shows
(40:49):
up for us, especially if you like live like with
a childhood that I was really violent, and like how
that shows up now. And that's sometimes like my first
solution to ship is I should suck some shut up.
I don't because I'm grown, I'm healed. While I'm healing,
you're always healing. Um. But yeah, I definitely be like, yeah,
I used to put yourself in my day, like, don't
(41:11):
in my head. I can't say when I'll be in
like meetings. Don't somebody trying me? I like you know
that said that. When I be on the train and
I see if I see a bit just kind of suss,
I was thinking, like, yo, like what's my plan, because
like I need to because sometimes you know, bits will
size you up and then it'd be bigger bitches than you.
(41:33):
So I didn't I'll be having my keys in my head.
I would like, yo, bitch, you need to make sure
you got it. Like the little bit run up on
you because these but just gonna sucking try you. They
well they surely surely will. I don't play with me
though I haven't, like God, please use these hesh child,
but something that's good to know. And I learned this
(41:54):
as they kids. So I do not matter. No, I
don't do not matter as long as you know what
you're doing. Do not matter. Because eventually at a certain
point I was I'm not gonna say I was sucking
every nigger up like that I got into a fight
with at some point, like I could get the upper
hand on the guy and like people be like people
would automatically just assume because they're a guy, they would
like kept upper hands. But like once because they so
(42:15):
during meeting, it's like they would show like I had
slap box in and stuff like showing people how to
throw their hands. Um. So yeah, at a certain point,
I was like, I who drive to meet up like
once a week. Girl. It really all dependent sometimes it
it's all like after school like like sometimes like sometimes
(42:39):
it was like three times a week, more times of
the week, every day, and like sometimes it wasn't even
like we had to do like a real being like
nibe just wanted to chill with each other and connect.
Um but yeah, girl, it was like having a job.
Feel like you gotta clocking to clock out. You're gonna
get in trouble with your super but if you don't
show up. Like so, you were arrested twice as a
(43:02):
kid and once as an adult. As a kid, we
know the one charge when the when the guy snitched
on you and said he was with your what the
other guy? Remember? Yeah, so that was for robbery and
the second time was also for robbery. Um and looking
back on this ship, it was stupid. So I had
this guy, Um he kind of like took me on
(43:26):
like as like I guess I was like his mentee,
I guess. Um so, but he was like older, like
he was much older than everyone. Um So at the
time I didn't realize that the show wasn't okay. But
he was working with like girls in high school. Um
and he had got like huh, he was older. He
was older like he was he was probably like mid twenties.
(43:51):
He was probably like twenty six. Yeah, um so, because
remember like these getting like you're old. G's pretty old
like typically um so, yeah, so he was working within
and then again who looked at who he's around, like
people in his set are I'm in middle school and
(44:11):
like my boyfriend was in high school, so like these
kids are young. So anyways, and then the boys would
bring these girls from their school around. So he was
working with these high school girls and at the time, like,
I don't sucking no no better and I really feel
bad about this ship now. Um, but he was working
with this girl. The girl told her mom that like
(44:31):
he was old or whatever the case is. He ends
up getting arrested and he like calls me from jail
and he's like, like, you gotta gotta do something to her,
and I'm I'm just following orders. I'm like I bet
so I ended up like sucking her up and like
robbing her, like I just made it seem like it
was like a like a robbery. Um. And then so me,
(44:53):
I didn't get caught that week, I ended again caught
like a month later because my damba, I'm always you
really like it's funny because in the book we're reading,
we talked about like how this guy feels like he's invincible,
like they just be walking like they could have shot
you yesterday, and you want the same block the next day.
For me, I had just sucked this bitch up last month,
wobbed her, and I was back on the block like
(45:15):
a month later, just chilling, hanging out, and she ended
up like calling the police and pointing me out. And
I guess she had made a police report the day
that I had did it, so they already had like
my description and everything. They were just waiting on my ass.
So they fucking took me in for that ship. Um.
And you know what, it's crazy, Um, the girls that
(45:38):
I wasn't I have, I wasn't spafored the girls that
I wasn't spotfored with. I've seen at least three of
them bitches when my mom had sent me um she
had called a c I saw me like when I
was younger, wasn't before after I've seen them same girls,
And so you could really see like the bridge like
of like how you could end up from one place
(45:59):
to me. It's a gradual progression, like from going from
here you are supposed to be getting help and services,
but then you still end up in fucking Judie. Right,
So I kind of like now I'm like, oh, ship,
Like now that I think of it, Like the bitches
that I was in a c S with um because
it was like, um, it was like this building that
they had took us to and we was like it
(46:21):
felt kind of a little bit like jail, but a
little bit like nicer, like like yeah, like but they
had like a bunch of us in one room with
like these single beds. Not that comfortable. Um, but yeah.
So that was the two times when I was a kid,
and then as an adult, I got locked up fucking
in grad school. Um. And I'm in grad school and
(46:46):
the program that I'm doing, like we have to do
background checks, so this is like this is the year
before my last year. So I'm like I'm working in
like an institution where I get background checks are being done,
and I get locked up because my baby father was
playing with me. Um. He was supposed to be like
(47:06):
paying my rent. Um, but then I had kicked him out,
like there was like domestic guns. He was cheating on
like a bunch of ships. So I kicked them out,
but I was like, you still got paid his rent though,
because I'm in school. Um, and he started dating like
this new younger bitch and like I guess shortly told
him like don't pay the rent. Anymore, son start paying
the rent, so I pull up to his job. Wasn't
(47:29):
the best idea pull up to his job, Like, yo,
where the is the rent money? You're playing with me?
I think he grabbed my arm and child, I lost it,
Like I just started swinging and this niggas like he
was stronger than me. So he like had picked me
up through me against like some shelves or whatever the cases.
So now I really start willing, so like I take
(47:51):
like a flash you know them police flashlights that you
could like break a window with. I take his job
sold those, so I take up flashlight. I was like, oh,
I can't beat you, no problem. Bo outside started sucking
attacking his car and it wasn't his car with his
grandmother's car. Um. Yeah, police end up getting called, and
(48:11):
I'm thinking, like I'm your baby mom. It's like, you're
not gonna let them take me, let them take me.
But they end up taking him to so they took
both of us. Yeah, I will take your ass to
come to my child acting like a beast? Are you crazy?
You guys to Oh my god, are you sucking up
(48:33):
my grandma car? Grandma girl? I was I was wanting,
but like you see where like angry get you because
in my head that was really the only solution. Like
at that time, I was like yeah, I was like
I'm gonna have to funk your ship up, like that's
that's the only way that you're gonna make this make
this ship makes makes sense. Um but he had me
(48:55):
speat that ship out though, so like he made it
seemed like he was gonna crash charges. He made go
to like two parts appearances and then after the second
one he ended up dropping the charges. But like someone Calton,
they was like yo, like you want to funk up
her life like like her like her whole career, Like
you can't, like you can't do this to so he
(49:16):
ended up he ended up dropping the drap. But um,
but I I was I was panicking, like I was like,
oh because my my school got alerted. Like it was like, oh,
you gotta arrest it because it dangs like automatically, like
the minute you got arrested. Like everyone who's like associated
with you that you work with, um where they run
those background texts, they get alert, they're getting email. So
(49:38):
everybody's like questioning me, uh, like I don't really know
how to explait myself like this ship sounded mad, dub
and mind you, I'm already like I'm a mental health
provider at this point. So so also, guys, for anyone
listening mental health providers, guy issues too, So please be contract.
(50:00):
But yeah, but I was a baby mental health provide.
I was still starting out. I didn't I didn't have
all my ships together yet. Listen, ship, you might catch
you on the wrong day, y'all. I'm so much about
it now. I'm so much of that girl. Ask forward
to your mom to me, you wait till a boarding
school in Missouri, now, y'all. When she was telling me
(50:24):
this part, I was like, let me do. Let me
go to Google University. Now this is not no regular
boarding school where you go and get your ship together.
This religious boarding school was in the media about numerous
allegations of all types of abuse. Tell us about the
events that led up to you being there. Okay, this
(50:47):
is well, yeah, this is wild. So now so this
is time grade. This is how I got out the game.
Um so um. Basically, now I'm dating I have a
new boyfriend. I'm dating this guy who sells coke or whatever,
and I'm holding some cooke in my room. For him,
and I guess my mom like went through my room,
she found the code. Doesn't tell me that she found
(51:09):
the code. Um, and she she devises this plan. Um,
mind you I already have like, I have a guess
it was a probation officer at the time. I have
a probation officer, so I guess she had spoken with
my probation officer. And my probation officers are actually the
person who recommended the boarding school. Um. And it was
(51:29):
like this military Baptist boarding school slash ranch. They lumped
a bunch of ship together to make it sound pretty. Um.
So she lies to me, you already know the type
people we're dealing with. Yes, so shortly makes up a
whole lot, says, Oh, your aunt is getting married. This
is my favorite aunt. Y'all like, because typically I don't
(51:51):
trust this lady, like me and my mom have a
really bad relationship, so I don't trut this late. I'm
not traveling with you. But she's like, my favorite aunt
is getting married, and she wants me to be a
part of the wedding. So I'm like, I bet we
out mhm. So we're traveling. We're traveling and my aunt
lives in Massachusetts. I realized we're going to Missouri. I'm like,
why are we going to Missouri? And she was like, oh,
(52:12):
the man she's marrying is in the military and he's
from Missouri. So I'm like, I'm thinking about my aunt.
If you don't sound like how but I'm just wronging
with the punches. I'm I'm dumb. I'm a dumb, little
tough grade at this point. So we get to the
hotel or whatever, um, and it's like this old white
man and this old white woman, um, and they're just
(52:34):
like waiting for me, like with like the stern faces
like like my got little bitch like that type of
like attitude. I'm lott Cottage cheese right right, because they
looked like that when I met them, Like they had
like all them wrinkles and stuff like. So yeah, so
(52:55):
then there's like like there was like no the four play. Basically,
they get me straight away. They're like, yeah, we're taking you.
Were like say goodbye, you're a bad person, like all
these things. And my mother just hands me off to
be to all white people that she never met her
a day in her life. I'm from New York. We're
in fucking Missouri. You know nothing about this place. Um.
(53:19):
I called her all types of bitches and I later
got in trouble for that with the people. Then. Um,
and it was a Sunday, so they had church that
you used to spend all day Sunday at church. So
they took me. They took me there, and the first
thing they did was restraining. It was like, oh, you
want to call your mother a bitch? Da da. They
restrained me. And when they restrained you, they basically throw
(53:41):
you on the ground. They punch your arms behind your back,
and then they would have the other girls sit on
you and then they would just do that for however long.
So that was that's my first night there. Then it's
morning time and this is like a real ranch, like
areas fucking horses and chickens and cows, like it's a
(54:03):
real ranch. Um. So we start off the morning by
like doing chores. So I'm from the city. So I
was actually the only one in that program that was
from the East coast, and I was only one of
two black girls. Was the other black? Yeah, So I
was one of two black girls. It was all girls,
um school. Um. And the other black girl had like
(54:25):
white adopted parents and she she had those pants her
whole life, so like she kind of like she kind
of already like knew what the deal was. And I'm like,
where the funk am I? Like I'm confused? Um so yeah, So,
like the duty I had was to pick up the
horseship and it's called manure, and they would like punt
(54:46):
it um like with the plants or whatever to help it, girl,
like help it fertilize. Um. So that was like my job.
So like I come back from doing chores or whatever.
And so I was never a morning person, like to
eat in the morning. And and I'm Caribbean, so I
eat like bigest saltfish. And like my mom's side is, uh,
(55:07):
well she's both she's patients like it. So like I
eat like mangol and stuff like I eat planting and
these people gave me like biscuits and gravy. Um. So
I'm looking at the ship like one when I'm not hungry,
Like I'm honestly not hungry. And too, I've never seen
fiship in my life, Like why are you eating me
biscuits and gravy in the morning? Like I'm confused? Um,
(55:29):
so I wasn't eating it. And then like I remember,
like the girls are like like eat, eat, and I'm
like I'm looking at them like y'all dumb, like why
you don't even like why are you trying to force
me to eat right out? Like I'm not hungry. I'm
not hungry. So then he because like we were in
our own house and then across the street they had
their house and we didn't have no neighbors for miles
(55:52):
and miles and miles like were dead in the blue
dogs like we're in the middle of nowhere, like there
was like coyotes, like where we were at like our backyard.
I guess I'm a call of the backyard. It was scary.
So he comes over whatever the case is, and I
guess someone tells him like new girl didn't eat, and
(56:13):
this man he's like, so like the kitchen was like downstairs,
so like now we're like upstairs in the living room area.
I guess um. So he's like, oh, like go get
your plate. So I'm like I'm looking at him and
he's like so now he's like yelling, He's like get
your plate. So I go downstairs, I go get the plate,
and each so each girl, so we had like different
(56:35):
colors of shirts so when you're a new person, you
get an orange shirt and someone was like a purple
shirt or a red shirt had to be like your guy.
So this person always has to be with you at
all times. So I had a purple shirt with me.
She was my guide or whatever. So she like grabs
me and we go downstairs to go get the plate.
We come upstairs. Um, he grabs the plate and he's like,
(56:58):
is my daughter's food because daughter with the cook is
my daughter's food not good enough for you? And I'm
like I'm really looking at this man like I'm just
not hungry, Like why are y'all so angry? Like why
are you so agitated? And he takes the plate and
he was like shoved it into my face, bangs it
into my face, bust my lips. Food on the floor,
(57:18):
plates on the floor. He then tells me to like
get on my knees and eat the food. I guess
where my assad my needs. This concludes part one of
this week's episode. Please stay tuned for part two, dropping
next Tuesday. Until next time, Everyone Later,
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,
(00:35):
Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from
the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear
interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will
enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear
someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.
If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and
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(00:57):
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If you are all caught up with episode, listen to
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(01:19):
To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward
slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that
all of my guests are nonnes so lest again this
week's episode, so I am super excited to speak to
my guest today as she will be sharing her story
on being a former game member turn child psychologist. So
(01:41):
to my guests, how are you doing? I'm how are you?
I am okay, I feel like I'm coming down with
look co ch'll but good. We almost at the end
of the week, thank god. Yes, I knocked that out
before the weekends you could turn up. Oh yeah, I'm
drugging up tonight, you' all. I want to say thank
(02:02):
you so much for being a part of the show.
So I thin get people a little background. How I
know my guests or how I found them. So we
have a mutual friend, and he was telling me to
join her book club, y'all. And her book club is
so lit, it's so like, um intellectual, like it's amazing,
right and mind if y'all know, I'll be busy and ship.
(02:25):
So for me to show up and like participates, I'd
be like, oh shep like I'll be chatting this ship.
That's what I wanted to tell you. That what's funny.
So last night her book club is every Tuesday, right,
and one of the girls has said, um, one of
the ladies she was saying, how somebody may a comment
about orioles being cracked. Yes, ye yo, why I hit
(02:51):
up our mutual friend. I'm like, no, Orioles really are
cracked up. And I was gonna say it out loud,
but I was like, no, I don't think this is
the time of the place. You should have. Though you
should have because we it's the reason I have this
book club. Like I don't know Pa've told you, but
it's really it's like it's a trap. Like so I
(03:12):
say like, oh, yeah, it's a book club. We're gonna
read this book and we're gonna get into it. But
really it's just like a healing space. Like I wanted
black people to have a healing space for them to
tap into other people in different professions, UM, in different parts,
because sometimes I have people from other states logging in
UM and just so they can connect and really like understand,
Like sometimes we went through some really traumatic ship and
(03:35):
we don't realize it and we need to like bound
be a bound for off of each other. And at
other times, UM, sometimes we just gotta laugh. Like sometimes
after having such a long day or long a week
with people who don't really get it, you really should
have you should have been like, but whatever it was,
it's cracked and I want to ke keep right on
with you, like you know, there's a whole track, yo,
(04:00):
I'd be fucking up the carry cake orioles really imagine,
like I don't be trusting the remixes like give me
your double stuff that I'm okay. So when I tell
you the carry cake orioles, I swear to guy and
I don't even like orioles like that. M dumb. Ships. Yeah,
I ate so much. One time I threw up like
(04:23):
you could just be pretty they so so when she
was like, I was like, girl, I'm ships are like right,
like they're delicious. Oh my god. But now our book
club is with thank you. So we have so much
to discuss. So let's start from the beginning. Child, So
(04:43):
tell us about your upbringing. So born and raised in Brooklyn, um,
but did a lot of them moving around. Um, I
kind of grew up. My mom was like really really rich.
She used to round like a number spot. So like
growing up, like I kind of like didn't really want
(05:05):
for any thing, like the first couple of years up
until around third grade. Um, and then she she had
got arrested twice and she at the time she didn't
have a green heart or um. And I believe her
visa was expired at that time. Basically, my mom was
an immigrant and she was scared that they was going
to ship put back. Um. So she was like, Okay,
(05:27):
I'm not gonna do this anymore. And now she had
us moving around went then she was really fill in Utah.
So we came back and like my fourth and fifth
grade years, Um, we were living in a shelter. Well,
first to the shelter, we're living at some lady house.
When why did you move to Utah? Like why are Utah?
(05:50):
So she had in Uh, I want to say my
uncle was living out there because mind you, so my
grandmother had thirteen kids. And yeah, so my grandmother like
she birthed thirteen children, and then my grandfather had also
had like ship ton of kids. So I want to
(06:12):
say this person was my uncle. Because I have so
many like aunties and uncles. I'll be like in my head,
I'm like, are you being uncle? Like are you Like
it's a lot, So I want to say it was
like an uncle at the time. Um. And then my
family like we're such a wide range of shade colors
and like someone's got green eyes something. So I want
to say this is my uncle. So the person had
(06:34):
convinced her to move to Utah. Girl, this woman had
us we were Mormon, like she had us get baptized
in the Mormon religion. Like my mom's a little she's
a little special. When I said, people will be thinking
I'm joking, I'm like, yeah, I've been almost like every
denomination of Christian faith that there is, Like I've been Pantopostal, Baptist, Catholic,
(06:54):
like she done had us in everything. So yeah, so
my uncle had her who think was oneful, had us
moved to Utah and then we were there and he
didn't really help her, like, so we lived. So it
was two of us to me and my younger brother.
And after a while he was like, yeah, I gotta go,
like y'all gotta find someplace to be what people are, right,
(07:18):
I guess, like people don't realize what they signed it
up for. Yeah, so like it's not just heard that
you're helping, like you feed in three miles And I remember,
so I was always quiet and like reserve, Like I
was really nerdy and yeeky, like I could like to
sit down and read a dictionary and be fine and
happy in a corner but my brother was very like hyperactive,
(07:39):
so he probably I know, Like it's funny because she
blames me for a lot of like the hardships in
her life. But it really be my brother that people
used to complain about, like, oh, he's too hyperactive and
he's making too much noise and it all. So he
ended up kicking us out while we were there, and
you were like moving around a lot. One day, girl,
(08:00):
I was trying to make a grilled cheese, so she
used to leave us in the house for ourselves and
mind you were like, I'm in like third grade and
he's younger than me by three years. So one day,
I'm trying to make a grilled cheese. I don't know
how to make a grill cheese. I'll punt the cheese
and the bread into a toaster with like butter on it,
thinking that that's how you make the grilled cheese. It
started like an electrical fire. It was like a whole
(08:21):
big thing. Um and that Yeah, she was like, you
go back to New York because we didn't like, we
didn't know nobody used right. Then we freaking moved back, um.
And she had like she I don't know where she
(08:42):
met this man. But my mom was also like very
secretive with her lifestyle, like with her life, like we
don't really know what one hand was doing, like it
was very strange. So anyway, she had met this man.
So we move in with this man, and I guess,
like should go sour with um. This is now we're
back in New York. I guess she'd go sorrow with them.
(09:04):
And he like fakes in eviction. So yeah, so he
like fakes in eviction. So he like goes on vacation
quote unquote um and has like his friends put like
eviction notices on the door, like while he's on vacation.
And I'm doing air quotes for people who can't see.
(09:27):
I know she's doing air quotes, but I'm like what
I'm doing because he's on this vacation y'all. Um, you know,
the whole time he's talking to y'all, my mouth is open,
Like what niggas, don't you're real road creative, Like you
couldn't just say it's done. It's so fun. I can't
with you and your kids, right, So, and I believe
(09:49):
it was probably like the wintertime too, if I recall correctly.
So we right, so we leave or whatever, and she
had us living in some lady's house, you know, fake
health again, like she had us like no there was
like no heat, no hot water, like no stow for
us to you. So we was eating like take out
food every day and just kind of making sure work
before my mom pulled the track and was like all right,
(10:10):
like we need to go to a shelter because it's
just been working. But the reason we knew that the
the eviction was fake was because like this guy, like
we had like a lot of like family friends and
someone ended up like telling my mom like oh, like
he still looked there like there was like he had
his friend come up like that fake notice, Like it
wasn't even a real like state noticed that we was
(10:32):
gonna evicted, Like he just want to jell out, right,
But before y'all went, before you went to the shelter,
So where was your father during this time? Like did
he know what was going on? So he did not know?
And the crazy thing is I found out much later
in life, Like I'm like in grad school, I believe
(10:53):
when I like finally like started like learning all this
stuff out about my dad. Um. But this whole time,
I think my father wants like nothing to do with me,
They don't want to know who I end doesn't really
care about me. Um. And the whole time I end
up finding out that he was actually sending her money
for me. And like this man owns like multiple like businesses.
(11:14):
He owns like multiple supermarkets, like he's like a millionaire
like in America. Um. And then his family like were
so we're from the Caribbean, Dominican and Haitian like back home,
they owned like a bunch of land, a bunch of businesses,
and apparently like he was like taking care of me financially.
I just never heard about it. Like to me, my
father wasn't ship, my father wasn't around. Um. She used
(11:38):
to kind of like I don't know, I feel like
there was like some type of animosity towards me because
so my so my biological father is one of my
uncle's best friends. And then so it was a trio.
So it was my uncle my father and then my
younger father's biological father. So this this is like a
(11:59):
trio closest father. Like writ it dies, my mother ends
up cheating on my father while she's pregnant with me
with my little brother's father. My father finds out it's
a whole big ship. End up being like domestic violence
ends up happening like my father ends up like being
her as um, like trying to cut off for a
(12:19):
year like to show like she did, like yeah, it
was like to signify like you're a cheater, you're like
a disloyal woman. Um. And then that's kind of like
when she's like all right, like I'm done with you
and they separate, um, and then she ends up this
one is crazy. She ends up like mind you, Like
my little brother's father is married to like this other woman,
(12:41):
and like she ends up like continuing the relationship and
she says she stopped. And then I find out like
she perfectly got pregnant with my little brother because the
wife kept like pressing her like, oh, why are you
like sleeping with my man? And she's like, oh, you
want to see me sleeping with your man? And I'm
gonna have a baby. So yeah, and so that for
a long time I thought my younger brother's father was
(13:04):
my father, but like we didn't look alike, Like there
was just like a lot of like weird things, and
like you could also tell like there wasn't really a
connection with me, the connection was more with my younger brother. Um.
And it wasn't until later on in life that I
found out like I have a whole different biological father.
I'm supposed to be like a little princess living in
and she's like keeping him away from me. Um, so wait,
(13:27):
and you also tell me the realty is your father
and your little brother father were best friends, right they was?
It was yep, them and my uncle that's friend. And
I ended up like getting all this information like from
my uncle like one day, like I was in d
R and um, like I don't know. I was just
being like like I seen it's a picture and like
(13:49):
the person looked like me, Like we looked alike, Like
who is this person? And then he was kind of
like yeah, like he was like one of and he
actually he's so he's so actually, Um. He took me
like on a motor cycle ride. He was like, oh,
we gotta take a ride for this one. And he
takes me like on a ride. It like tells me
(14:09):
all this ship and I'm like cursing that. He was like, no,
you know, I took you on the ride. I'm gonna
leave you in the house. But like I'm literally I
was pregnant with my daughter. When I'm like finding all this,
like so my emotions and my like I was, but
don't you love I've been with your family though, like
you begetting all the team you'd be like, wait, what happen? Yeah,
(14:30):
especially when they you know, when they don't want to
tell you, like they'd be like, oh, she didn't tell
you this, but then they tell you, like tell you.
I'm like, sir, like like would say nothing, Oh my god.
So at this point, y'all are living in the shelter.
So did you realize that you were living in the shelter?
(14:50):
And if so, what was that like as a child,
I think it was like more embarrassing than anything. I
definitely knew that we were in the shelter because it
was like a process. So like one random night again
I don't know why she loved doing ship in the
Quota winter because it was near Christmas time, she like
takes us to a police precinct and she tells the
police people like hey, we're homeless, we don't have no
(15:12):
place to go. Um, and then they drive us to
like this place in the Bronze Um because we're in Brooklyn.
During all this time. Um, they drive us to this
place in le Bronze, and then like it's like you
have to go through this process. I guess like it
was like a check in process. Um. So that first night,
we're like sleeping on benches, like it's a bunch of
(15:32):
different families, because it's also different like if you're a
woman with children, you go to somewhere separate. Then if
you were like single with no children for all, these
people are like families, but we're like sleeping on benches.
And then after that initial night they had to like
stay in like I guess it was like motels for
a night until you get a placement, and then it's
(15:52):
like you go to this like I guess like kind
of like permanent shelter housing and it's like an apartment,
but like there's a curfew. You can't have like sleepovers,
you can't sleep out. So I remember like that that's
the time because now I'm in like, yeah, fourth fifth grade,
that's the time people having like sleep over their birthday
parties and stuff. People are trying to take you out, um,
(16:13):
and I remember like I was always like oh, like no,
I didn't do that, and like I said, kid, I'd
be like, oh, like I have a curfew, like my
family has a curfew. And then like one day, like
I guess a girl was hit like she was a
little older and she was like, oh you loving a
shelter and I remember like do like I was like upset,
like but like she but she like started out because
(16:41):
you can't leave after certain time a tisitha And I
know because my cousin like so it was like it
was embarrassing, like as a kid. And then then like
so now you're you're living in this building where it's
like all these people from different backgrounds, and you know,
some people, I feel like they've become homeless just because
like life just throws it at them. And as some people,
(17:02):
I feel like it's they make a lot of bad decisions, um,
and they they're aware that they're making these bad decisions,
and they just continue. And it's kind of like a
family thing. Family lineage not always the best. Some of
these people have like mental health issues. So I remember
my mother again, she's like a single parent at the
time and struggling single parent by choice because my dad
(17:26):
was offering to help and stuff in but you weren't
wanting him. Um, so she would like leave us with
like other people's kids. So I remember, like I'm in
elementary school and she leaves me with like this boy
that's in high school and and like he ended up
like molesting me. Um, and she I feel like she
(17:47):
knew because a lot of people in my family, like
they have like these dreams when like think when bad
things happen, they have these dreams. And she's always been
very on point with her dreams. And I feel like
she would just like these little comments. And I was
scared because at the time, the boy was like, oh
you tell anyone, Um, you know, I'm gonna get you,
(18:07):
Like I'm gonna kill you and your family, dada da,
and like in my like fourth I was probably a
fifth grade. Yeah, I was just scared. I'm scared. Yeah,
And so I'm really I'm like, I'm I'm gonna shut up.
And in my head, I was like, because it was
it was monstation, not rape, I was like, it could
have been worse, Like in my little brain, so did
(18:28):
you know what it was? You knew what being molested?
Rape wasn't at that age. So at that age, I
didn't like those words. I didn't know like that act.
So basically he just had me like touching his penis
and he was like rubbing his penis like on my face. Um. So,
like I knew because my mother had already spoken to
me about sex and what like penetration was, because she
(18:49):
she was like, oh, like you could get pregnant. She
didn't have like a I guess, the normal sex talk
with me. She was just like, you can get pregnant.
Don't let anyone sit the penis in you. In my head,
I was like, oh, well he didn't do that. Um,
but I knew it was wrong because he had threatened me.
Mm hm. So I think I've also always been that
(19:10):
type of person, Like if maybe if he wouldn't have
threatened me, I would have been like, oh, like this
is normal, like this is all right. But because he
threatened me, I was like, Okay, whatever you're doing to
me right now is not okay. So what thank you?
Why do you feel like she kind of knew because
she just would make like comments like oh, you probably
(19:32):
think you're a woman, and like just like just strange
comments that wouldn't make sense to say to it elementary
like a girl in elementary school. And again, like I
wasn't promiscuous like I wasn't how they was a kid,
you know, I was a kid. Um and even how
as I say that, it's crazy that people ever can
(19:53):
call like when people be calling girls fast and so
I'm like their children, like what are you really talking
about right now? Um? But yeah, I think you're back.
Like I used to be like a tomboy, Like I
used to wear baggy ass clothes. And I remember she
used to like try to wear like have me where
like quote unquote girly clothes like tighter jeans and lagians
and stuff like that, like types and stuff. Um, and
(20:17):
I remember I like I used to cry like no,
I don't want to wear that that that. So it's
like it was very weird that she would like make
those comments to me. But like fast forward, like as
an adult, she like blames me because I did end
up unfortunately like getting raped run I was in middle school. Um,
and she my my cousin told her, like because I
kept it to myself, I was like, she's not going
(20:38):
to help me because she had also but she has
sent me to like a CS like it was just
a whole bunch of ship happening. Um. So then my
cousin like I think she was talking to my aunt
and my cousin was like, like, do you know what
she's gone through? Like so my cousin starts like yelling
at her and telling her all that ship and my
mom basically tells her, well, that's her fault. Um, So
(20:59):
she kind of I feel like she's kind of always
just like try to meet anything like sexual mindfault and
I don't really know why. She's probably gone through something
like now like psychologists bringing me. I'm like, you probably
went through some ship and nobody protected you, so you
didn't really know how to protect me. Um, And I'm
not okay, but you know what, or you make a
(21:20):
good point? Where is uh? So she thinks she came
out okay and she survived. She know you the same right,
And it's just like not be like I could have
went the complete opposite way. Like sometimes when I like
compare myself, I'm jumping around here, but like sometimes when
I compare myself to like people that was like in
the same set as me, Um, we don't all like
(21:44):
we have resiliency looks different and so many different people.
So my resiliency was like getting my ass out to
Hood's not really I'm still living in the hood, but
like getting an education the bground, y'all. We've recording those zooms.
I see the kitchen, I think the family don't look
good to me. I'm just saying some blue furniture child
(22:09):
don't look good the neighborhood food. You are the story, y'all.
I don't think she but what do I know? My
friends are having cat yet, so maybe I'm hating. I'm
so in the middle of Brooklyn Yard. I just I'm
(22:29):
an aesthetic queen. I like everything to be aesthetically appealing.
So I could bearly in the middle of a podcast,
but it's gonna feel like roty and a bitch. So
oh but yeah, so but like just looking at them
and like some of them like like there's like there's
people like in their thirties still game bang game like
(22:50):
like that thinks that should is like cool and okay,
um so, but like that's how they know how to survive.
Um so, residency really looks differently. I forgot how we
got here. But yeah, so you make a good point.
Um So I want to say that I'm just so
sorry that I heard um that you went through everything
(23:11):
as far as like me and Raven molested. And I
remember when I first met you in your book club
and I was telling our met for a friend. I
was like, yo, who is she? I am so intrigued
by her, like I want to learn more about her
and all this other stuff. So I really appreciate she
sharing your story. Thank you. It was funny. I saw
him recently. I was like, why you been hiding Like
I'm not for years, in years and years, I'm like,
(23:32):
why you hiding her? And he was like, oh, like
I don't know, Like he was really like I don't know,
like I just don't make it right, like that's a
lie because I'm met all your male friends, like I
know all your male beds friends. I like, I don't
want to hear it um. And then I was telling him.
I was like, you know, I spoke to her and
I was telling her like all this really traumatic ship
(23:53):
and like it's something about her energy because typically when
I talk about this stuff, like my boys be cracking all.
Bobby got started trying and like, I don't know why,
but there was just something about you, like I could
just say the ship, release it and it's just like
like I feel it, like I feel it inside, but
it's like I could still kind of maintain composure. So
I was like, yeah, she's special, like I like cloths,
(24:15):
Like I'm going to keep in contact with her because
I like her energy, her vibes, like she's had a
calming energy to her. Thank you, y'all. I was on
for like two hours talking about all types of ship
back first time. On the third oh, like we were
talking about everything, y'all like it. It went from this
conversation like us getting to know each other to like spirituality,
(24:37):
signing contracts and it was yeah, over now in middle school,
you were introduced to gang life in seventh grade? Tell
us about that. Yeah, so so yeah, so now we're
out the shelter. Um she has found like permanent housing.
The shelter was in Brownville. Now we have like permanent
(24:59):
housing and each New York um. But I was still
going to school and Flatbush in the Flapush area. So
girl like all this that's when my grandma lived at
the Brownsville Yeah she like you do remember that that
power outage? Yeah, girl, bro, I thought I was living
(25:22):
in the bill Like we're in the shelter during that
power outage, and like niggas was working wallet wallet and
like I'm a little kid, like now people body bust
into this house, like we don't know abody bust into
this house, Like people are wallet anyways. So yeah, so
now we're living in East York, um, and I'm going
(25:43):
to school and flat Bush mind you, like I'm like
in a gifted program, Like I'm like in this class
like smart kids. Um, but I still feel like I'm
not I'm not really being change and all this stuff
is like I'm figuring this out as an adult, Like
why was I like this? Like why was I always
cut in school? Why was I never in flas? All?
Was I was always doing all this stuff? And I
realized like, oh, I just wasn't being challenged, like because
(26:04):
I used to finish my work real fast and then
be bored Like so now I'm starting in trouble. So
I ended up like meeting. So I used to chill
with like the older kids a lot, just because like
the kids my age, I feel like they were like
super immature. They didn't really get it. I'm like, y'are
not like raising your little brother, like what do you know?
So I'm kind of like snoughty about it. Um. So
(26:25):
I used to really talk to the older kids. So
I end up meeting a bunch of the kids, um
in mainstream that's what we used to call it. So
it's like mainstream, and I guess like the special ed kids.
So those are all the kids who weren't in the
gifted classes, but those kids were typically like a bit older. UM.
So I started like hanging out with them, and then
I get introduced to this guy who's in high school, um,
(26:48):
and he's in a gang. Um he's prip or whatever.
And so we end up rocking like we saw it
or whatever, and I become his blue pearl. And a
blue pearl is basically like someone that's crip, like like
they're wifey basically. Um. And then so I'm like so
like I'm like me and this thing is like attached,
(27:08):
like wherever he go, I go, wherever I go, he
goes type things. UM. So like one day, like he
leaves me with his boys or whatever, and a lot
of people they think like, oh, they see a girl
with a bunch of guys, like she's a smart she's
the whole whatever the case is, um, or she's for
the team. So like some dude have like tried it,
So I like I punched them in the face, like,
(27:30):
so I'm like, oh, like, you're not about to talk
about me like that, not in front of me. And
just because my man left, you thought like like you
thought this was gonna be a thing. Um. So the
boy like hits me back. So we start like Brooklyn Sufflin.
I lose that fight because like I'm a scrawny little
girl like um. But like the other people like in
(27:52):
the set, they was like, oh, like you're about it,
like you have a heart um like, and there wasn't
like a lot of girls in this set, so feels
like not we need you. So I ended up playing
the square or whatever. Um. And that's like basically when
you get jumped in um. And then I became like,
remember was I scared when you got jumped in? Or
(28:16):
what did you like? Would you like, oh, she like
it's about to go down ah, because it was like
I know certain things we're not gonna go too deep into. Yeah.
It was like definitely like what four people A gives
you six? Six six people agaves you like, so I
had six and remember there's no like there were at
(28:38):
that time, I want to say, there was only three
other girls. So it was three girls and then they
picked the three smallest guys. Um, I want to say,
I feel like I was scared, but also like my
adrenaline was Russian, like I think I was more I was.
So I was like very like because people used to
be like, yo, you're so pretty. Why you do all
(29:00):
this ship? You're so pretty? So I was really like, yeo,
what they sunk up my face? Like that was my
main Like I don't think I was scared about nothing else.
It's just like, y'all, I hope they don't sunk up
my face. I think that was like my real thing.
And then with the adrenaline, it's just like so I know,
you have to show that you can, like you can
like you're not going to cry, You're not gonna break down.
(29:20):
So like I had all that kind of like going
for me. So I think it was just too many
emotions all at once. Um, yeah, definitely. And then honestly,
in that moment it felt super super long. But afterwards
I was like like, I don't even I don't remember
half the ship. I know there was one like they
was hitting me man hard, but like I don't know,
(29:43):
Like afterwards, I'm like, oh, like that wasn't terrible terrible.
I used to see worse like they used to like
picture up hit people. But like I used to see
some ship. I was like, oh, I feel like they
weren't even on me. I ain't gonna front like I
feel like they weren't a little easy on me. Listen
when we were talking to y'all, I tell her if
something go down, I got my money on her because
(30:06):
I'm like listening, They ain't No way, did I tell
you when when she told me she was in the gang,
I said it was crip, wasn't It was like and
I say, because every Crip I know is mad intellectual.
And I was telling you, I'm like, yo, people be
(30:27):
thinking we'd be having these meetings like so we have
like meetings where you have to meet up and just
talk about like different missions that we got to go
to and stuff like that, or if you do something wrong,
like you have to hit the square and stuff like that.
So but I was telling how I was like, you know,
we wasn't really on the horship like we would be
talking about like business and politics, and we're talking about
(30:47):
like being like having our third I opened like I'm
telling you, like me really used to like that into
these talk about conspiracy theories, Like I'm like people beating
think that we're just talking about like drugs and guns
and stuff. I'm like not not at all, Like because
he's recommended bok toe each other, like crip that was
(31:08):
not woke. Every crip I met is like like it's
a different level of wokens. Yes, it's And then I
don't really know that many m blood people, but I
feel like it's the ViBe's not the same. Like I'm like, oh,
y'all be on your ratchet ship, like I want to
party and bullshit. Right? Is it true that in most
(31:29):
gangs some of the girls get sucked in? So it's
it's twofold, right, So girls do get quote unquote in,
but the girls who get sucked in typically the people,
like the people within the set. You don't consider that
person all part of the game. So that's like a
(31:51):
tactic that some of the guys used just to run
a train on girls. Um, And that's actually, Um, that's
see how I ended up getting sexually assaulted like in
middle school. Um. Because so when you do something wrong,
like you have to hit the square and I just
(32:13):
so it's just basically like you have to fight um,
and they give you a certain number of people that
you have to fight, and the certain amount of time
ranges from three to six minutes, um, depending on what
game you are, Um, well what set you're in, Like
every set has like their own set of rules. UM.
So yeah, so that's just what hitting the square is,
just fighting. Um But yeah, so basically those girls they're
(32:39):
not really in that, like they just become the sets
kind of like there their person to have sex with,
Like they take advantage those girls. Um. So the set
that I was in that wasn't allowed. There was no
such thing as getting sucked in. Um. And then there
actually was a girl who kind of sluck with everyone
(32:59):
in the set, but she could fight. Like that bitch
still hit the square like she sucked everyone, but that's
not how she got into the set, Like she just
ended up also sucking everyone. That was just her prerogative. Um.
But yeah, that's definitely a thing. But that's actually like
it's like a misconception, Like a lot of people think
like that's the only way that girls get in And
I was like, well, actually, like those girls typically aren't
(33:21):
considered a part of the set, like they're just they're
like groupies. Mm hmmm. What would you say are some
other misconceptions of of being in the game, Because I
feel like, you know, I'm not trying to glamorize the
gang culture book. We both know that when games were
first started, it was to protect the community. Yes, it
(33:42):
surely was. It surely was, um and not to glamorize
it either. But honestly, it was the only family I had,
like growing up like around that age, like I didn't
really have anyone in like my immediate blood family who
would protect me if something was to go left. Um,
(34:02):
So I provided that sense of protection. Um. It provided
I don't know, like a safe haven like whenever ship
went wrong, even like emotionally, like you could tap into
people in your set. Um. I remember my mom had
(34:23):
kicked me out, and like like they would take me
to like churches to eat. Like they'd be like, oh,
this church, there's like hot meals, and they would take
me there, or they will take me to like their
grandma's house. Like. Um, the people that I've met, like
I said, I had closer relationships like with them and
their families than I think anyone else that I've ever met,
(34:46):
like and been friends with. Oh, it was just like
really interconnected, like it was really community. Um. And I
want to say, like I don't know, we just also
like really held each other accountable, like you knew you
would have to hit the square if you did some
ship wrong, Like you had to be loyal. There was
no such thing as being disroyal. Um. Like I remember
(35:08):
the first time I got locked up, Like the first
time I went to Julie, I didn't even do ship.
Like the dude I was with had robbed somebody. I thought,
silly bee was like I'm gonna stay on the block,
like I robbed him. Um. The boy had came around
um with the police and he had like pointing me out,
like oh she was with him, and they took me
in and like I I didn't say a word. Um.
(35:30):
But like just having someone that's that that that is
that loyal to you, I feel like I don't know.
But then again, like as an adult now like that's
a little toxic um. But at that time, like I said, yeah,
like no one should be that loyal, Like I'm sorry,
like you putting you putting yourself on the line for
somebody else, um, but somebody for somebody else's bad decision
(35:54):
at that it's not even like this was like a
good like no, like they just stow somebody's falling or
whatever cas is um m. But yeah, I don't know.
It was just like real close knit. And I feel
like the reason why people join these gangs is because
they're looking for that connection with somebody. Right, do you
ever miss it? Uh? I don't, Yes, and no, I
(36:23):
don't miss being in a gang. But I missed my people,
like because they not thought they wrote me off like
we got the um, but they really was like so
I got sent away? Oh don't okay, all right, but
all right, So I'm just gonna say that I just
missed the people because they can't they let me go
(36:46):
um And I was just like, dang, y'all letting me go?
Like yeah, not like I think like y'all, like y'are
really extant communication, Like I don't I feel like an
Amish person, you know, like person get kicked out of
their community. They're like you're you're like okay, So we're
gonna talk about that part then, because that comes out
to another part of y'all story. Y'all, y'all would think
(37:08):
this girl was like pushing forty like you got mad
like is she not even dirty? Ye, which is crazy?
But what was the role that you play and being
in the game, because I know you was with the ship.
I was with this ship all the fucking time a
little bit too often, um so. And I wasn't even
(37:34):
in it for that long. I was really just in
it from seven to like tenth grade. Um so like
telling you like three years. Um. But like I used
to do like a lot of missions. So um the
boys really did, I want to say, like the quote
unquote like dangerous work like actually selling stuff. Um. Actually,
like they would actually like you know, have weapons and
(37:57):
using them. Um. I feel like I was more. They
always used to say, like I do too much because
I would always be like I'm not jumping nobody, so
like if someone has to hit the square, I would
participate in squares, but like if we had to like
fight someone outside of this set, like people would jump
people and like no, like we're fighting one on one,
Like if I can't handle this person one on one,
like that's a problem, would be like, oh, you do
(38:18):
too much, You've got too many rules that um So
I remember like that. Um But basically, like I used
to like hold weight for the boys, because like girls
didn't like we didn't really get searched this, we didn't
really get stopped like during that stopping frisk error. Um. Yeah,
so like I could get away and like I was
also one of the younger people because I was still
(38:39):
in middle school at the time. Um, so I could
like move around the hood and nobody would like really
look twice at me. Um. I don't remember. At one
point my mom had kicked me out, like I was
like living in the Trap house. So like I was
like kind of like I had like this, I was
talking to any about this, like how I'm so good
at like helping entrepreneurs that kind of figure their ship out,
(39:01):
but I can't give it for myself. So I remember
like I used to like put systems in place like
at the Trap like like oh, like we need to
do it this way because it will run smoother and
tod of that. And I remember like the Big Homies um,
and that's just like a title like they got the
Foot Soldiers, A Little Homies, Big Homies, O GS and
all that. So um, like I don remember like the
(39:23):
Big Homies would be like like you're smart, like you're young,
but you got this, Like so they would like really
sit there and listen to me. Um. So I feel
like I was more like doing like logistics. And I
guess like in terms of missions, that was really doing
more like holding shipped down and like deliberate stuff rather
than doing like dirty dirty work. I guess yeah. And
(39:46):
then of course if the guys got into an issue
with a female, they just sent my ask to go
handle it. Right. Do you ever think about all the
bitches you beat up all the time? So when some
he tries me now, like as an adult, I just
looked at them. I'll be like I can fuck your
shut up right now. Like I just like with the
(40:07):
fingers that are like in my head, I'm like, suck
your ship up right now, um or like or sometimes
I get scared. So I don't know how many times,
like I've like walked down the block and like I'll
see like I'll see girls who look like me when
I was growing up, like with a bunch of guys
like looking like they, and yeah, and I'm like, do
(40:27):
I still got it? Like if this little bit trying
me right now, like do I still got it? So
I'll be thinking about that. I'm like I used to
suck some bitches up. When I was younger, I was like,
I don't know if I still got it. Um, So
like a little stuff like that, I will think about um.
But I actually discussed this in book club because we're
talking about like, um, violence now and how it shows
(40:49):
up for us, especially if you like live like with
a childhood that I was really violent, and like how
that shows up now. And that's sometimes like my first
solution to ship is I should suck some shut up.
I don't because I'm grown, I'm healed. While I'm healing,
you're always healing. Um. But yeah, I definitely be like, yeah,
I used to put yourself in my day, like, don't
(41:11):
in my head. I can't say when I'll be in
like meetings. Don't somebody trying me? I like you know
that said that. When I be on the train and
I see if I see a bit just kind of suss,
I was thinking, like, yo, like what's my plan, because
like I need to because sometimes you know, bits will
size you up and then it'd be bigger bitches than you.
(41:33):
So I didn't I'll be having my keys in my head.
I would like, yo, bitch, you need to make sure
you got it. Like the little bit run up on
you because these but just gonna sucking try you. They
well they surely surely will. I don't play with me
though I haven't, like God, please use these hesh child,
but something that's good to know. And I learned this
(41:54):
as they kids. So I do not matter. No, I
don't do not matter as long as you know what
you're doing. Do not matter. Because eventually at a certain
point I was I'm not gonna say I was sucking
every nigger up like that I got into a fight
with at some point, like I could get the upper
hand on the guy and like people be like people
would automatically just assume because they're a guy, they would
like kept upper hands. But like once because they so
(42:15):
during meeting, it's like they would show like I had
slap box in and stuff like showing people how to
throw their hands. Um. So yeah, at a certain point,
I was like, I who drive to meet up like
once a week. Girl. It really all dependent sometimes it
it's all like after school like like sometimes like sometimes
(42:39):
it was like three times a week, more times of
the week, every day, and like sometimes it wasn't even
like we had to do like a real being like
nibe just wanted to chill with each other and connect.
Um but yeah, girl, it was like having a job.
Feel like you gotta clocking to clock out. You're gonna
get in trouble with your super but if you don't
show up. Like so, you were arrested twice as a
(43:02):
kid and once as an adult. As a kid, we
know the one charge when the when the guy snitched
on you and said he was with your what the
other guy? Remember? Yeah, so that was for robbery and
the second time was also for robbery. Um and looking
back on this ship, it was stupid. So I had
this guy, Um he kind of like took me on
(43:26):
like as like I guess I was like his mentee,
I guess. Um so, but he was like older, like
he was much older than everyone. Um So at the
time I didn't realize that the show wasn't okay. But
he was working with like girls in high school. Um
and he had got like huh, he was older. He
was older like he was he was probably like mid twenties.
(43:51):
He was probably like twenty six. Yeah, um so, because
remember like these getting like you're old. G's pretty old
like typically um so, yeah, so he was working within
and then again who looked at who he's around, like
people in his set are I'm in middle school and
(44:11):
like my boyfriend was in high school, so like these
kids are young. So anyways, and then the boys would
bring these girls from their school around. So he was
working with these high school girls and at the time, like,
I don't sucking no no better and I really feel
bad about this ship now. Um, but he was working
with this girl. The girl told her mom that like
(44:31):
he was old or whatever the case is. He ends
up getting arrested and he like calls me from jail
and he's like, like, you gotta gotta do something to her,
and I'm I'm just following orders. I'm like I bet
so I ended up like sucking her up and like
robbing her, like I just made it seem like it
was like a like a robbery. Um. And then so me,
(44:53):
I didn't get caught that week, I ended again caught
like a month later because my damba, I'm always you
really like it's funny because in the book we're reading,
we talked about like how this guy feels like he's invincible,
like they just be walking like they could have shot
you yesterday, and you want the same block the next day.
For me, I had just sucked this bitch up last month,
wobbed her, and I was back on the block like
(45:15):
a month later, just chilling, hanging out, and she ended
up like calling the police and pointing me out. And
I guess she had made a police report the day
that I had did it, so they already had like
my description and everything. They were just waiting on my ass.
So they fucking took me in for that ship. Um.
And you know what, it's crazy, Um, the girls that
(45:38):
I wasn't I have, I wasn't spafored the girls that
I wasn't spotfored with. I've seen at least three of
them bitches when my mom had sent me um she
had called a c I saw me like when I
was younger, wasn't before after I've seen them same girls,
And so you could really see like the bridge like
of like how you could end up from one place
(45:59):
to me. It's a gradual progression, like from going from
here you are supposed to be getting help and services,
but then you still end up in fucking Judie. Right,
So I kind of like now I'm like, oh, ship,
Like now that I think of it, Like the bitches
that I was in a c S with um because
it was like, um, it was like this building that
they had took us to and we was like it
(46:21):
felt kind of a little bit like jail, but a
little bit like nicer, like like yeah, like but they
had like a bunch of us in one room with
like these single beds. Not that comfortable. Um, but yeah.
So that was the two times when I was a kid,
and then as an adult, I got locked up fucking
in grad school. Um. And I'm in grad school and
(46:46):
the program that I'm doing, like we have to do
background checks, so this is like this is the year
before my last year. So I'm like I'm working in
like an institution where I get background checks are being done,
and I get locked up because my baby father was
playing with me. Um. He was supposed to be like
(47:06):
paying my rent. Um, but then I had kicked him out,
like there was like domestic guns. He was cheating on
like a bunch of ships. So I kicked them out,
but I was like, you still got paid his rent though,
because I'm in school. Um, and he started dating like
this new younger bitch and like I guess shortly told
him like don't pay the rent. Anymore, son start paying
the rent, so I pull up to his job. Wasn't
(47:29):
the best idea pull up to his job, Like, yo,
where the is the rent money? You're playing with me?
I think he grabbed my arm and child, I lost it,
Like I just started swinging and this niggas like he
was stronger than me. So he like had picked me
up through me against like some shelves or whatever the cases.
So now I really start willing, so like I take
(47:51):
like a flash you know them police flashlights that you
could like break a window with. I take his job
sold those, so I take up flashlight. I was like, oh,
I can't beat you, no problem. Bo outside started sucking
attacking his car and it wasn't his car with his
grandmother's car. Um. Yeah, police end up getting called, and
(48:11):
I'm thinking, like I'm your baby mom. It's like, you're
not gonna let them take me, let them take me.
But they end up taking him to so they took
both of us. Yeah, I will take your ass to
come to my child acting like a beast? Are you crazy?
You guys to Oh my god, are you sucking up
(48:33):
my grandma car? Grandma girl? I was I was wanting,
but like you see where like angry get you because
in my head that was really the only solution. Like
at that time, I was like yeah, I was like
I'm gonna have to funk your ship up, like that's
that's the only way that you're gonna make this make
this ship makes makes sense. Um but he had me
(48:55):
speat that ship out though, so like he made it
seemed like he was gonna crash charges. He made go
to like two parts appearances and then after the second
one he ended up dropping the charges. But like someone Calton,
they was like yo, like you want to funk up
her life like like her like her whole career, Like
you can't, like you can't do this to so he
(49:16):
ended up he ended up dropping the drap. But um,
but I I was I was panicking, like I was like,
oh because my my school got alerted. Like it was like, oh,
you gotta arrest it because it dangs like automatically, like
the minute you got arrested. Like everyone who's like associated
with you that you work with, um where they run
those background texts, they get alert, they're getting email. So
(49:38):
everybody's like questioning me, uh, like I don't really know
how to explait myself like this ship sounded mad, dub
and mind you, I'm already like I'm a mental health
provider at this point. So so also, guys, for anyone
listening mental health providers, guy issues too, So please be contract.
(50:00):
But yeah, but I was a baby mental health provide.
I was still starting out. I didn't I didn't have
all my ships together yet. Listen, ship, you might catch
you on the wrong day, y'all. I'm so much about
it now. I'm so much of that girl. Ask forward
to your mom to me, you wait till a boarding
school in Missouri, now, y'all. When she was telling me
(50:24):
this part, I was like, let me do. Let me
go to Google University. Now this is not no regular
boarding school where you go and get your ship together.
This religious boarding school was in the media about numerous
allegations of all types of abuse. Tell us about the
events that led up to you being there. Okay, this
(50:47):
is well, yeah, this is wild. So now so this
is time grade. This is how I got out the game.
Um so um. Basically, now I'm dating I have a
new boyfriend. I'm dating this guy who sells coke or whatever,
and I'm holding some cooke in my room. For him,
and I guess my mom like went through my room,
she found the code. Doesn't tell me that she found
(51:09):
the code. Um, and she she devises this plan. Um,
mind you I already have like, I have a guess
it was a probation officer at the time. I have
a probation officer, so I guess she had spoken with
my probation officer. And my probation officers are actually the
person who recommended the boarding school. Um. And it was
(51:29):
like this military Baptist boarding school slash ranch. They lumped
a bunch of ship together to make it sound pretty. Um.
So she lies to me, you already know the type
people we're dealing with. Yes, so shortly makes up a
whole lot, says, Oh, your aunt is getting married. This
is my favorite aunt. Y'all like, because typically I don't
(51:51):
trust this lady, like me and my mom have a
really bad relationship, so I don't trut this late. I'm
not traveling with you. But she's like, my favorite aunt
is getting married, and she wants me to be a
part of the wedding. So I'm like, I bet we
out mhm. So we're traveling. We're traveling and my aunt
lives in Massachusetts. I realized we're going to Missouri. I'm like,
why are we going to Missouri? And she was like, oh,
(52:12):
the man she's marrying is in the military and he's
from Missouri. So I'm like, I'm thinking about my aunt.
If you don't sound like how but I'm just wronging
with the punches. I'm I'm dumb. I'm a dumb, little
tough grade at this point. So we get to the
hotel or whatever, um, and it's like this old white
man and this old white woman, um, and they're just
(52:34):
like waiting for me, like with like the stern faces
like like my got little bitch like that type of
like attitude. I'm lott Cottage cheese right right, because they
looked like that when I met them, Like they had
like all them wrinkles and stuff like. So yeah, so
(52:55):
then there's like like there was like no the four play. Basically,
they get me straight away. They're like, yeah, we're taking you.
Were like say goodbye, you're a bad person, like all
these things. And my mother just hands me off to
be to all white people that she never met her
a day in her life. I'm from New York. We're
in fucking Missouri. You know nothing about this place. Um.
(53:19):
I called her all types of bitches and I later
got in trouble for that with the people. Then. Um,
and it was a Sunday, so they had church that
you used to spend all day Sunday at church. So
they took me. They took me there, and the first
thing they did was restraining. It was like, oh, you
want to call your mother a bitch? Da da. They
restrained me. And when they restrained you, they basically throw
(53:41):
you on the ground. They punch your arms behind your back,
and then they would have the other girls sit on
you and then they would just do that for however long.
So that was that's my first night there. Then it's
morning time and this is like a real ranch, like
areas fucking horses and chickens and cows, like it's a
(54:03):
real ranch. Um. So we start off the morning by
like doing chores. So I'm from the city. So I
was actually the only one in that program that was
from the East coast, and I was only one of
two black girls. Was the other black? Yeah, So I
was one of two black girls. It was all girls,
um school. Um. And the other black girl had like
(54:25):
white adopted parents and she she had those pants her
whole life, so like she kind of like she kind
of already like knew what the deal was. And I'm like,
where the funk am I? Like I'm confused? Um so yeah, So,
like the duty I had was to pick up the
horseship and it's called manure, and they would like punt
(54:46):
it um like with the plants or whatever to help it, girl,
like help it fertilize. Um. So that was like my job.
So like I come back from doing chores or whatever.
And so I was never a morning person, like to
eat in the morning. And and I'm Caribbean, so I
eat like bigest saltfish. And like my mom's side is, uh,
(55:07):
well she's both she's patients like it. So like I
eat like mangol and stuff like I eat planting and
these people gave me like biscuits and gravy. Um. So
I'm looking at the ship like one when I'm not hungry,
Like I'm honestly not hungry. And too, I've never seen
fiship in my life, Like why are you eating me
biscuits and gravy in the morning? Like I'm confused? Um,
(55:29):
so I wasn't eating it. And then like I remember,
like the girls are like like eat, eat, and I'm
like I'm looking at them like y'all dumb, like why
you don't even like why are you trying to force
me to eat right out? Like I'm not hungry. I'm
not hungry. So then he because like we were in
our own house and then across the street they had
their house and we didn't have no neighbors for miles
(55:52):
and miles and miles like were dead in the blue
dogs like we're in the middle of nowhere, like there
was like coyotes, like where we were at like our backyard.
I guess I'm a call of the backyard. It was scary.
So he comes over whatever the case is, and I
guess someone tells him like new girl didn't eat, and
(56:13):
this man he's like, so like the kitchen was like downstairs,
so like now we're like upstairs in the living room area.
I guess um. So he's like, oh, like go get
your plate. So I'm like I'm looking at him and
he's like so now he's like yelling, He's like get
your plate. So I go downstairs, I go get the plate,
and each so each girl, so we had like different
(56:35):
colors of shirts so when you're a new person, you
get an orange shirt and someone was like a purple
shirt or a red shirt had to be like your guy.
So this person always has to be with you at
all times. So I had a purple shirt with me.
She was my guide or whatever. So she like grabs
me and we go downstairs to go get the plate.
We come upstairs. Um, he grabs the plate and he's like,
(56:58):
is my daughter's food because daughter with the cook is
my daughter's food not good enough for you? And I'm
like I'm really looking at this man like I'm just
not hungry, Like why are y'all so angry? Like why
are you so agitated? And he takes the plate and
he was like shoved it into my face, bangs it
into my face, bust my lips. Food on the floor,
(57:18):
plates on the floor. He then tells me to like
get on my knees and eat the food. I guess
where my assad my needs. This concludes part one of
this week's episode. Please stay tuned for part two, dropping
next Tuesday. Until next time, Everyone Later,
Host
Eboné Almon
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