January 16, 2023 • 45 mins
TRIGGER WARNING: This episode contains material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.
During Part 2, my guest shared details of her injuries, her thoughts on her attacker's other victims, being a surprised witness in court, and her advice to people who don't think this can happen to them.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Girl. Professional
(00:37):
It's your girl, Ebena from the Professional Homegirl podcast, the
only place where you would hear interviews from women of
color anonymously on stories that were enlightened and expand on
taboo topics. Now, if you hear someone that sounds familiar,
mind the business that pays you child. Please support the
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or simply share these stories with your Professional home Girl.
(01:00):
You never know these storylines can be someone else's lifeline.
And now please keep in mind that all of my
guests are anonymous. So let's begin this week's episode. Wow,
God bless your grandmother is a best site on anybody,
Like for your grandmother to see that, Like, I can't
even imagine how this affected your family whole. Right, let's
(01:26):
see it. So he ran out, hum and he left,
and my brother had left, but you know he's outside
if he had laugh for me to man if he
was there, Yeah, so he wasn't there, so he by
(01:49):
the time he came back, the ambulance was for me
in in the He's like, what happened? Like if I
just left? Yeah, who's getting in the amulance like going on.
And then when he saw it was me, He's like,
what happened? What happens? Wow? So the next thing you
(02:11):
remember was you woke up in the hospital where you
found out you were stabbed over thirty times, your right
armorous paralyzed, your skull fracture, and you were temporarily blind.
So when they told you knew its like, did you
believe it? No? I was. I, Oh my goodness. So
(02:37):
it was so traumatizing that I have post traumatic teatures, right,
so they had to just try and be so mindful
just even talking around me. Yeah, you know, like this
is for teatures, so right, Yeah, I had no idea.
(03:00):
I had no idea the road to recovery. And then
he was also paralyzed for a mom So what happened
was because Okay, so initially when I got to the hospital,
I suffered shocked and I was unconscious m hmm. So
after me no longer than un conscious, um, and just
(03:27):
from the shock and everything, I was always so heavily
medicating mm hmm. And it was it seemed like every
time I woke up, it just felt like something else,
like oh my god, like what else? Like they be
bringing me more pain, medicine and our mouth. Like I
woke up one day. I remember waking up and they
(03:50):
were like, we gotta wash it hair right right. I
in a hospital while they watching my hair, and I said,
for like back at this point, like seemed like a
lot of her injuries, but we never that's the really
like cleaning her up. And so they were like, you
(04:10):
don't understand your hand is covered in mm hmmm. No.
I can remember, was like I just got my hair
done right, like went to the beauty father like a
few days before this. You know, Black women don't play
about their hair, child, And they were like no, no, no,
trust me, and I'm like, how can it be covered it?
(04:33):
Like I didn't really realized the injuries, and um, I
guess the nurse was like, it's so fresh and shot.
Explain to me. So so you was also out of it.
So when you came, yeah, she said, you know what,
let me just show her. So what she did was
she she took my hand and she said, feeling my
hand there in this whole all of this, so when happens,
(04:58):
whole side was from he stopped. Okay, that's very close
right right next to my jock. So all of this
was terrible and so it's okay. So they gave me
up and they gave me bad. I go by a mirror.
(05:25):
Oh my goodness. So I didn't realize this is the
first time you're going into the mirror. Didn't realize that
he started writing and then he would stopped me here
and cut. I think there was a stitcher. Well, of
course we've going by the mirror. All of this is
like stitches. And then he m Carrells like my list. No,
(05:53):
it is a blessing that you are still here with us.
And this how long has just been like years ago?
Already something now that wasn't Wow, that was in eighty six. Wow, y'all.
She still looked good, y'all. Ever anything happened, I got
my money on her. And I know he was calling
(06:17):
you when he checked himself into the hospital. Do you
think the one of the main reasons why he didn't
serve jail Thomas is because he came for money. Yeah,
I think that that was it. I just recently on
the last time of being show that I did, I
met I detected that was on the force at that time. Wow.
(06:38):
And he told me that they were given the instructions
of thing. That was when they had just started with
the war drugs mm hmm. And so you know, practice
just coming out, you know, kids and some more younger
(06:58):
people with drugs and drug trafficking and all of that.
And so in my case, they basically looked at it.
They knew each other. It's probably just a lover's quarrel.
That's the hell of a lover's quarrel, you know. In
back in those days in May six, they didn't recognize
(07:20):
domestic products, especially with black women, especially with black women
especially you're talking about young people, right, Like now we
see a lot more of team dating violence, right, partner violence,
But back now we have the language too. Now we
have the language and we know the signs and everything,
but back then they really didn't. So they felt like,
(07:43):
oh they knew each other. Was probably a little bit
more to it, and it was just easier to dismiss it.
Slap on the risk. He said he will never do
it again. That's scary, very scary, because he also went
to he enlisted in the army, And I'm like, how
was that comfortable? Because what he did was, um, this
(08:04):
is where um at that time, where the justice system
failed us. What they did was we kept coming back
and forth to court. They kept continuing it, you don't
know the laws and we don't know, um, the tricks
of the trade. And you got to think about he
(08:25):
had the best defense attorneys that when they could buy
so I'm sure that they were more closer with the
judge type of and my attorney was just like, oh,
you know, well, we'll see what they say. And the
final time that we were supposed to come to court,
(08:47):
the attorney, by this time back in New York, Um,
the attorney called my mom and told her there was
no need for us to come, that they would argue
it down. And this is sec a year later, eater
and see what happened. And that attorney allowed them to
do a plea deal and not have a trial with
(09:11):
the jury and let the judge a side. And that
would have been an easier way out for him. Yes,
and so that's what they did. It was so much
easier to what they did was they said, oh, he'll
pay a little bit of restitution, he'll pay the court
fines will give him um. I think it was like
(09:34):
seven years probation or something. If he ever gets in
trouble again. They'll have to do the time. Um. And
they knocked it down from where it would have been
attempted murder. They knocked it down to a misdemeanor of
unlawful of thought mm hmm, which means like if somebody
(09:58):
just accidentally bumps and you know that's really nice, but
it justifies or you hit somebody but didn't know how
they need it or whatever. Um. So that's how he
was able to go into the military. Um, because they
knocked it down and he went into the military. But
(10:21):
from what I understand, he's still assaulted someone within that
time frame of that probationary period for seven years, and
again he got a snap on the wrist. That victim
never came forward when this all came out again. She
didn't want to testify it because she felt like if
(10:42):
he got away with it with her back, then we
would complicate it again. Right. Do you think that the
first because I don't think this is his first time
doing it either. Do you think the first you do
you think the people before him, because I'm surprised nobody
else has or how people came out. Previous survivors came
out and said that he did this to them as well. Okay. So, um,
(11:05):
when I was in the hospital, his parents were at
my hospital bed like every day. Wow. That's why I said,
I know that I was at the first victim. They
were trying to make sure they don't catch a body. Yes, Um,
what better place to be at to see what's going on.
You can't hear what the doctors are saying. That is scary.
(11:28):
And so my family not dealing with this ever before
they didn't know what they were up to, and they
were there every day, and then finally and they they
probably was willing to pay for stuff too. They were
so what they did was they were there every day
(11:50):
and they pretended that they were not. They did not
condone what he did. They were like, oh, we can't
believe he did this is it's horrible. Oh my god,
I hope she's gonna survive that type of thing. Wow.
Once they started seeing I guess that, Okay, maybe she's
(12:10):
gonna survive this. They said to my mother one day,
they said, well, maybe we give um because I just
heard eighteen. They were basically the they were waiting to see,
like does she want to press charges? Because I was eighteen?
And so they said to my mother they said, wow,
(12:34):
maybe we can all discuss this and come up with
some kind of agreements so she won't press charges. Wow,
And my mother said absolutely not. I don't know what
else she said. I'm sure it's probably some choice words,
but she said, absolutely not, and never come back here again. Yeah,
(13:00):
you can't put a price tag on my child's head.
What's raging at all. And so she told them, she
basically told them you might as well get ready because no,
we're pressing charges. We're going to the fullest with this.
And so that's how I know that, No, I wasn't
(13:20):
the first, and we know that it definitely wasn't the last.
I think the victim after me, I think they cursed
that person into um letting it be a lesser charge
or whatever. Um. Of course they didn't mention me, but
they probably said, oh, you know, it's gonna ruin his
life and this and that he didn't mean it, it
(13:43):
will never come around you again, or whatever they had
to do to make this person feel like he's out
of your life. Um, and he got away with it.
And then wait, is this the one? Because I know
in two he attacked his ex girlfriend and he beat
off aid her face. Is that the one. No, wow,
(14:04):
this is one before her. That is crazy. He needed
to be under the jail. So the next one he
attacked her before. Wow, it's happed to her a few
years before that. Okay, she pressed charges. Okay, he got
(14:27):
away with it. It comes back a couple of years
later and he confronts her again. This time she's like,
I already know you from the last time, right, So
she knew not to run in the house because he
(14:48):
came to her house unannounced. I was outside waiting for her.
So it takes you back to my situation. We're go
touch about the stocking like you didn't good? Where are you? Yeah?
Then freising full circle. So he once she saw that
he had been sitting out there, she ran and jumped
(15:10):
back in her car, and that's where he chased her down,
ramped her car part enough that he knocked the whole
pumper all what yeah, it jumped out, broke the door open.
This nigga over. She was at a red light thingcause
(15:31):
she had lost him, and meanwhile he is on her.
My god, yes, So when he when he yanked the
door open, she started like trying to punch and trying
to fight him, and he was hitting her back and
then he started he grabbed her and what did he
(15:53):
learn in the militant Wow, trying to try and goll
drop somebody's eye. So he was trying to balge out
her eyes and while he was doing that, she was
screaming and fighting hum when his pinky got in her
mouth and she did it, and she beat him hard
(16:17):
enough that he got it got well. That's what made
him so mad that she had then to bite him,
and so he decided, I'll bite you back. And then
she put off her face. Oh my god, that is
hard break here, and the same thing, he spit it
(16:39):
out on the ground. He jumped in his car and
he went back home. Man, oh man, you really don't
know people that are so scary when you heard the story,
like with your story and still saying yeah, like this
(17:06):
is crazy. So what they did was for his defense
was they tried to blame it on the military, but
he was like this before the military. That's the way
I come in at right, So I came in as
a surprise witness. No, I know he was shocked when
he saw you. Definitely him and his parents were really shocked.
(17:33):
What do you think in cases like this? Do you
think the parents should also be responsible. Um, yes, I do.
Do you think that would ever happen eventually, like like
some type of law or something, because let's say, if
the parents didn't know after so many situations, something gonna
be like, okay, we have a problem here. Yes, And
(17:54):
the fact that you keep on making sure to get
in the best defense lawyers, and you know, you're coming
out with all the reasons of why it wasn't his
fault and it was because this happened or that happened.
And I feel like this, like nobody wants to admit
that their child is a monster. But if you don't
(18:17):
do anything but one the other person, right, That's what
I think. So, wow, what did your recovery look like?
Because I know also you have to relearn your like
your basic motor skills, yes, basic motor skills, UM, reading, writing. Um,
(18:40):
it was really it was really hard. It was really
hard because they told me I would always have migraines
for the rest of my life. Um it was hard. Yes,
it was hard. With the memory laws, that was really difficult.
Um everything not knowing I'll never be able to learn
(19:03):
how to dance. It was just difficult. It was really hard,
aching and so many and depression and ETSD and you know,
you go through the emotions of my fault. But I
didn't see what I did see. You know it's hard. Yeah,
(19:27):
it's hard. How did this affect your family? Because I
know your mom was probably like, oh yeah, my whole
family was devastated. My parents they were just like, oh
my goodness, Like she was in New York where you think, why,
you know, one of the roughest neighborhoods to go and
move to another state Downsauth. People love to stay the
(19:50):
North is crazy to go down south and get tacks
and they're like wait, what right? But yeah they were, Um,
I think for my brothers being raised to always protect me,
that really hurt them. Even though one of my brothers
(20:10):
was still in Newark but still to this day see
him so upset. It is this, it's the story my
father alf male, really huge in stature. Um, that devastated
him that like he couldn't protect me and they couldn't
(20:32):
get at him. You know, they wanted to, you know,
you want to revenge. I don't put hands on the parents. Yes, yes,
I know, right, I think my mother afters was just
like here it is I was being nice and these
people really had yeah. So yeah, but my whole family
(20:54):
just devastated just to see me as a different person.
And I bless your grandmother, my god, my grandmother who
saved my life. Let me tell you a few years
ago they are in Virginia. They gave Pon award. Oh
that was beautiful. Yeah, and then just citizen and beautiful. No,
(21:20):
that's because you know, some people would have probably like
reacted and she and some people would probably like try
to get him off of you. But that's why you
have to like really like take your time and think
and think what's the best solution. Because they could have
went left. It surely could have went And that that's
what I try and tell people. As much as you
want to be involved, the most important thing is to
(21:43):
first protect yourself. Right. You have to protect because if
you don't, how are you gonna get help for the
other person? Right? And we we somebody gotta be around.
Somebody gotta be around, somebody. Nobody gonna make it right
to tell what happened, right, because nobody would probably believe it. Right.
(22:04):
You gotta know that there's a difference between someone just
being you know me, and then there's crazy, right, it's psychotic.
What someone's meaning is psychotic. That's a whole different level
of people. Yeah. Wow. In twelve he was sentenced to
(22:25):
thirty five years in prison at the age of fifty.
Do you feel like you receive your closure? Yeah, she's
smiling hard. Thank you, not just for me, but for
other people as well. Yeah, and that you know that
(22:46):
particular day, like who knew? So many years, so many years,
so many years. I never would have ever guessed in
my life because I went on all those years from that.
Let me not get a mution, from the day that
(23:07):
him and I went to court to the day that
they called us and said like this was the final
symptoms that injustice. To me, felt like I wish I
had died, right, And I felt like that's the only
way that that would have gotten justice because if I
were have died, because they have to prove it. Unfortunately,
(23:29):
So for twentysomething years I didn't talk about it was
just like who kids, Who's gonna listen. I felt like
in the beginning, I said, oh, I want to tell
other people so they won't have to cook what I
went through. But after a while I felt like I
didn't get justice. So how am I gonna talk to
(23:51):
somebody about making sure that you speak out? When I
did speak up, I did testify, I did press charges,
They did every right, and you just said, got like
nothing to happen. But I think that's why your story
is so beautiful, because unfortunately a lot of women can
relate to that they do everything right and they still
don't get the justice that they deserve. Yes, And I
(24:13):
just feel like for those I know that everybody, um
sometimes can't find the strength and they don't have the
support system that I had to tell them, no, go
ahead and press two charges, No go ahead regardless, because
I do feel like now like it'll catch up. Had
I not press charges or anything when he went to
(24:36):
court this last time, it would have been another step
on the wrist because they went history right and um,
So it was hard because, like I said, for for
all those years, those twenty twenty five years, when I
went to court and his lawyers said that was twenty
five years ago, we really shouldn't even be visiting this. Wow,
(24:58):
I suffered for twenty five I sat for twenty five
years knowing it. I couldn't join the military, wasn't a
Nottion because my injurance no military was gonna taken with
a fracture skull that I had a fracture sco with
a blood to my brain and they had to take me.
Then I gonna take me that I used to have teatures, right,
(25:19):
I struggled to take basic college courses sometimes because I'm
loving my like so and like that affected me in
in other relationships and everything. So did you just see
twenty five years ago? No, but for twenty five years
to go in day in and day out when nobody
(25:41):
else knowing how many times I wished I wasn't here, right,
and so um on that day I didn't know. I
knew testifying I was doing it to try and help others,
but I didn't know that that was where my playing
(26:02):
and my purpose would would be revealed to me. And
so what happened was when I once I testified, I
went back into the courthouse. I went back into the
court room, I got left out, and then I came
back came and when I came back in, it was
a lady. She walked in when I first walked in,
(26:22):
and she was sitting on the edge. And now I
was really hoping that she would move over so I
could really hear because suggestion, he's so kind of like quiet,
he wasn't allowed and I wanted her to kind of
like move over, but she didn't, so I just had
to sit next to her and hear what they were saying.
(26:43):
And come to find out that lady was a news
reporter mm hmm. And because the victim didn't come to court,
they asked me if I would give an interview. So
I was like, uh, I was speaking out about it.
So I was just like, it is in the newspaper,
(27:04):
and they were like yeah, And I was like, okay,
I'll do it. It's in the newspaper. No one will
really be able to affiliate a lot of people don't
read the newspaper. So I was like, okay, I'll do it, right,
What do you know? I know right? So I was like, okay,
I'll do it, and so I did that. I did
the interview right afterwards, and then I got home. No,
(27:26):
I got to my grandmother's to go tell how what happened,
because for the whole year and a half I didn't
tell my grandmother mm hmm. Nobody knew that I was
gonna be a surprise of witness. So I went to
her house and I said, um, I just left court
and she was at court and I was like, yeah,
with Kevin, and she was like, what what did he do?
(27:47):
And that's that he attacked somebody else and she was
like uh. And then I started telling her, you know,
like I knew about this for a whole year m hm,
and you're in the half like I just stayed silent.
And then I told her and she was like a
little worried about like what if they would have his
(28:09):
friends or family want to retaliate and things like that.
And I was like, well, that's why I didn't tell
nobody for a year and a half because it would
have made me always be winning that before time to testify.
I told her. I said that that's why theyn't tell anybody.
I didn't want anybody trying to change my mind. I
(28:30):
didn't want this heavy on my mind. So she said okay,
she said, well, she said, she said, whatever you have
to do in order to hear, because this is your
story exactly. And so from that point they called and
(28:50):
said that they needed um. They that they wanted to
have me in the news that night m hm. And
I was like, oh, that's gonna be a whole different viral.
Let's see my face. And that's what happened. I didn't
and it went viral, and that's how the television show
(29:12):
came about. It went viral. Um. But that was the beginning.
From that point on, after the television show, I started
realizing that this is much bigger than just testifying at
(29:32):
court and to really help somebody. It's a lot more.
So I started uh studying about domestic violence. I started
started studying laws, I started started studying everything I could
learn about signs. I started of course it leads to
(29:53):
sexual assault, it leads to about childhood US and I
just started studying any and everything that I good. And
I started volunteering at the shelter and then just different organizations.
I became an advocate and here I am just I um.
(30:17):
God has showed me that everybody, it's not gonna be
at a conference. It's not where your victims are. Because
when God gave me the first television show, I was
like Wow. So I prayed and said God, please continue
to blow my mind. So I guess he said, okay,
you want me to blow your mind, so you gave
(30:38):
me a second Wow, and then he gave me a
third Yeah, you are like everywhere. I'm like, come on now,
it's so it's just oh my god, I'm just so grateful.
And I kept saying, well, you know, I started realizing
that different ones showed different areas. Thank God for repeats,
(31:01):
because everybody is to see it all at one time.
So even for them to still keep showing it, I'm
so grateful because people will still see it and reach
out say I just saw it right, right, And you
know what, maybe at the time you might have even
seen it the first time, but it didn't affect you, right,
But then you know, years later, you see it again
(31:24):
and it may be a family member, may be a friend,
and maybe a child and maybe you that sees it
and they reach out to me, and and then that's
where we go. I I just had to e d
S yesterday that reached out to me that our neat
So I'm like, okay, now, this is what we gotta do.
(31:45):
This is what you gotta do, this is what should
have happened. And I just found out where they would
stayed they're in. I don't care where you are in
this world. I would find out the information. I'll send
it to you. I'll get you in touch with whatever
organizations are in your area, whatever I gotta do. But um,
I had one young lady sat my daughter. Now, she
(32:11):
just went opened my eyes because sometimes we be so
involved in what's right in front of our face. She
reached out to me and she said, I saw I
saw your television shot, right. I saw you on TV.
And I was like, okay, that's great that or that
you know. And while I was helping her, she didn't
(32:33):
see it on TV. She saw it on YouTube. I
was like, she st on YouTube, okay. And what happened
was she wasn't allowed to take at TV at home. Wow,
she saw it, um Wi. She was at work. That
was the only place that she could. But why she
(32:55):
can't watch TV? Was she working so like on her break,
I guess she watched her her oh gohead, but he
regulated watching oh she I'm thinking she living home with
her parents. She lived at home with a man. Wow,
that's crazy. So she wouldn't have never been able to
(33:19):
watch anything like that, right, Wow? Yo, Then I don't
want to bash these men. She escaped that situation, but
um and I never saw her face until the day
she got to the air Wow, God, bless her face. Time.
It's like, wow, listen, not all superheroes were cakes. Many
(33:47):
we have a few more questions that I would let
you go ahead. No, no, no, no, you're good, You're good.
But that's crazy. I'm really thinking that she at home
with her parents. It didn't even dawned on me that
she's with her partner. And if he's not even allowing
her in the worsh TV that you know something, what
else he's not allowing her to do? What are you
doing her? The only thing she could do was to
go to work. Wow, that's heartbreaking. I'm just curious. Do
(34:11):
you think that domestic balance is going to ever come
to an end? No? Mm hmm, I don't know. Wow.
I would love for it to come to it. I
don't know if it ever will. But I think the
one thing, I think the two things that need to
(34:32):
happen first and foremost, it has to be more awareness, right,
and definitely differ sentences supper laws right, right, Um, But
a lot of times was so sad about it is
regardless of the of the time, jail sentences a lot
(34:58):
of times something that triggers in their mind. They don't care, right,
They don't care. And we see so many how muside
suicides mm hmm, where they killed They'll kill the woman,
they'll kill the children, and then they kill themselves. Seeing
now a lot more. I am seeing it a lot too, Yeah,
(35:23):
a lot more. And then there's a lot of them
that's like, I'm gonna kill you. No, no, I'm going
to check. I'm okay, right, Yeah, that's scary unfortunately. So
you know, people often say that this can never happen
to them. What are your thoughts on that domestic violence
(35:50):
does not discriminate right on age, race, religion, creed, economic status.
Of course, we all think that it will never happen
to a lot of times people think that they they
(36:12):
think that domestic violence is black and white. They think
that it's gonna be so um. They think that the
signs are so blatant, and a lot of people are
unaware of all of the signs. That That's why I
try and raise the awareness. That's why that's the most
(36:33):
important pieces, the weirdness to know the different signs, to
know a lot of I just had a woman tell
me yesterday, I didn't even know I was a victim
mm hmm until they actually had it on the paper
and said, you know, I was a victim and I
didn't feel like I was a big mm hmm. So
(36:55):
a lot of people don't even know the signs, so
of course everybody feels invisible. Oh, I would never letting
me and do that to me. I would never let
a woman do that to me. Of course, nobody wakes
up and says, oh, yeah, just take advantage of me
and treat me wrong and everything. But there's so many
different types. It's not just the physical right, and it
(37:16):
doesn't happen. There's a grooming process. H m hm. Whoever,
when people say that I would I would never wish
for it, they happened to them, right, good man. I'm
just curious, how does this affect your your relationships with men?
(37:36):
Like is it hard for you or was it hard
for you to trust men? Oh? Absolutely? Mm hmm. And
when you have because I know you have three beautiful kids,
how has this affected them or what do you hope
that they will receive from your story? I hope they'll
(37:57):
receive to uh advocate with me. Yeah um, and definitely
not do it themselves, whether they're the perpetrator or a victim.
I don't want to keep the side of that fence.
(38:22):
I don't know, I guess just but I'm not here
any longer. Just just keep my legacy gone right now,
they definitely will. I mean you are everywhere so and last,
not least, what does an advice you would give to
someone who feels that they might be in a dangerous relationship?
(38:44):
And the first thing that came around and still out
right the answer that's something not the answer I would say, Um,
seek help. M hmm, I needn that's very dangerous. It's
sounds so easy, Oh, get girl, get help, boy, get help. No,
(39:07):
that's not easy because like the victim I told you
about where your every move is mm hmm, it's not
easy to get It's not easy. Um, because they study
you so much that they know changes. You know that
(39:28):
it's something different. But if you can get help and
figure out a way of how you get are able
to get out of this situation. Um. But you just
have to be very strategic and how you do that
and who you takes right. And then the reason I
(39:51):
say that it's because that's important, yes, But the reason
I say that is because a lot of times these perpetrators,
but they you do this, they isolate you, but they
also know termed mm hm. So if if I was
(40:12):
in a relationship and my partner knew that I'm best
friends with happening and I told you, I could be right,
because that's gonna be the first PDAs that he's gonna go.
And let's just say that I happen to not tell me,
(40:32):
but he still doesn't still put fine. Just so, just
was really about a case where the best friend kind
of help to the other lady and she didn't even
(40:58):
know that she was being a stark. H mm hmm. Yeah,
they will watch it. They put a try on first. Wow.
So it's just I think I would just say, don't decides,
(41:21):
try and see some type of how if they are
trying to me, don't make an announcement, that would be
don't make don't make the announce me, don't make friends,
(41:41):
and don't don't be like, oh, I'm gonna leave, I'm
gonna go get my brother, I'm gonna pull my thought
like sometimes you're getting so enraged because you've been fighting
for so long day it gives you just superpower type
of strength. I'm not gonna take this anymore. Are you been?
This is the last time you're gonna ever put your
(42:02):
hand told me I'm gonna call please, so I'm gonna
do this something, and you're letting him know exactly what
you're gonna planning on doing and domestically about power and controls.
Once you put that out there, believe the power in
a sense losing your power because now you know that's
what you're playing on doing. So I'm gonna beat you
before you can get to that. Right, Let's beat you,
(42:23):
beat you, beat you like the punchline. Right, said that
before you can call somebody before you think you do
some before you can do that. And my other advice
would be whatever he tells you, m yeah, delete it,
(42:44):
not only to be I think that people need to
be somebody told him that this is going on, and
I think that victims and perpetrate it. Tells you something.
If he's that type of person that's always threatening and
saying to me, I'll see your whole fing right, take
(43:05):
it as an I don't he needs. If he tells
you I have her best friend and he told her,
I'll set you on fire, years went by, he sat
on the time for what that was to Regassi, Wow
(43:30):
is she okay? She she's alive. Wow, God is good man.
That is crazy. He told her that for years of
the day. It's just one of those things that keeping
like I do this, I'll do that, I'll set you
on fire, I'll do that, and he always stow it like, Okay,
I'm man. When people hear your story, you want people
(43:50):
ain't gonna be dating no more to think about your home.
Girl with the fire man, really tell you just believe
it can be safe if you do plan on leaving,
don't don't take it as um like I'll just be
able to walk out, because that's the most dangerous time,
(44:12):
right And I always used to tell people like nothing
good happens late at night and I don't want to
be alone and things like that. But in my situation,
he knew, we learned alone. He was just different. He
was that was a demon. That's just pure evilness. Well,
(44:38):
I appreciate you for sharing your story. I know when
people hear this story, they are just gonna be an
amaze and just just wow, like for it to take
this long for you to get justice. And I'm telling you, y'all,
she looked good at y'all skins glowing, teeth is white.
Thank you so much. I really you appreciate you for
(45:00):
telling your story. I'm so happy that we connected, and
I'm definitely gonna keep in contact with you so we
can work on other things. But you know, I really
do hope that these stories encourage people to, like, really
pay attention. Something don't feel right. That means it is
not right. Yes, you got that instinct for a reason.
(45:22):
So I got instinct that told me to turn around. Yeah. Crazy, crazy.
But if you have any questions, comments, to concerns, please
make sure to email me a hello at the PhD
podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone, Happy New Year.
(45:42):
Until next time, everyone, later, you're not gonna say bye,
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional Girl. Professional
(00:37):
It's your girl, Ebena from the Professional Homegirl podcast, the
only place where you would hear interviews from women of
color anonymously on stories that were enlightened and expand on
taboo topics. Now, if you hear someone that sounds familiar,
mind the business that pays you child. Please support the
show by leaving a five star review by some merch
or simply share these stories with your Professional home Girl.
(01:00):
You never know these storylines can be someone else's lifeline.
And now please keep in mind that all of my
guests are anonymous. So let's begin this week's episode. Wow,
God bless your grandmother is a best site on anybody,
Like for your grandmother to see that, Like, I can't
even imagine how this affected your family whole. Right, let's
(01:26):
see it. So he ran out, hum and he left,
and my brother had left, but you know he's outside
if he had laugh for me to man if he
was there, Yeah, so he wasn't there, so he by
(01:49):
the time he came back, the ambulance was for me
in in the He's like, what happened? Like if I
just left? Yeah, who's getting in the amulance like going on.
And then when he saw it was me, He's like,
what happened? What happens? Wow? So the next thing you
(02:11):
remember was you woke up in the hospital where you
found out you were stabbed over thirty times, your right
armorous paralyzed, your skull fracture, and you were temporarily blind.
So when they told you knew its like, did you
believe it? No? I was. I, Oh my goodness. So
(02:37):
it was so traumatizing that I have post traumatic teatures, right,
so they had to just try and be so mindful
just even talking around me. Yeah, you know, like this
is for teatures, so right, Yeah, I had no idea.
(03:00):
I had no idea the road to recovery. And then
he was also paralyzed for a mom So what happened
was because Okay, so initially when I got to the hospital,
I suffered shocked and I was unconscious m hmm. So
after me no longer than un conscious, um, and just
(03:27):
from the shock and everything, I was always so heavily
medicating mm hmm. And it was it seemed like every
time I woke up, it just felt like something else,
like oh my god, like what else? Like they be
bringing me more pain, medicine and our mouth. Like I
woke up one day. I remember waking up and they
(03:50):
were like, we gotta wash it hair right right. I
in a hospital while they watching my hair, and I said,
for like back at this point, like seemed like a
lot of her injuries, but we never that's the really
like cleaning her up. And so they were like, you
(04:10):
don't understand your hand is covered in mm hmmm. No.
I can remember, was like I just got my hair
done right, like went to the beauty father like a
few days before this. You know, Black women don't play
about their hair, child, And they were like no, no, no,
trust me, and I'm like, how can it be covered it?
(04:33):
Like I didn't really realized the injuries, and um, I
guess the nurse was like, it's so fresh and shot.
Explain to me. So so you was also out of it.
So when you came, yeah, she said, you know what,
let me just show her. So what she did was
she she took my hand and she said, feeling my
hand there in this whole all of this, so when happens,
(04:58):
whole side was from he stopped. Okay, that's very close
right right next to my jock. So all of this
was terrible and so it's okay. So they gave me
up and they gave me bad. I go by a mirror.
(05:25):
Oh my goodness. So I didn't realize this is the
first time you're going into the mirror. Didn't realize that
he started writing and then he would stopped me here
and cut. I think there was a stitcher. Well, of
course we've going by the mirror. All of this is
like stitches. And then he m Carrells like my list. No,
(05:53):
it is a blessing that you are still here with us.
And this how long has just been like years ago?
Already something now that wasn't Wow, that was in eighty six. Wow, y'all.
She still looked good, y'all. Ever anything happened, I got
my money on her. And I know he was calling
(06:17):
you when he checked himself into the hospital. Do you
think the one of the main reasons why he didn't
serve jail Thomas is because he came for money. Yeah,
I think that that was it. I just recently on
the last time of being show that I did, I
met I detected that was on the force at that time. Wow.
(06:38):
And he told me that they were given the instructions
of thing. That was when they had just started with
the war drugs mm hmm. And so you know, practice
just coming out, you know, kids and some more younger
(06:58):
people with drugs and drug trafficking and all of that.
And so in my case, they basically looked at it.
They knew each other. It's probably just a lover's quarrel.
That's the hell of a lover's quarrel, you know. In
back in those days in May six, they didn't recognize
(07:20):
domestic products, especially with black women, especially with black women
especially you're talking about young people, right, Like now we
see a lot more of team dating violence, right, partner violence,
But back now we have the language too. Now we
have the language and we know the signs and everything,
but back then they really didn't. So they felt like,
(07:43):
oh they knew each other. Was probably a little bit
more to it, and it was just easier to dismiss it.
Slap on the risk. He said he will never do
it again. That's scary, very scary, because he also went
to he enlisted in the army, And I'm like, how
was that comfortable? Because what he did was, um, this
(08:04):
is where um at that time, where the justice system
failed us. What they did was we kept coming back
and forth to court. They kept continuing it, you don't
know the laws and we don't know, um, the tricks
of the trade. And you got to think about he
(08:25):
had the best defense attorneys that when they could buy
so I'm sure that they were more closer with the
judge type of and my attorney was just like, oh,
you know, well, we'll see what they say. And the
final time that we were supposed to come to court,
(08:47):
the attorney, by this time back in New York, Um,
the attorney called my mom and told her there was
no need for us to come, that they would argue
it down. And this is sec a year later, eater
and see what happened. And that attorney allowed them to
do a plea deal and not have a trial with
(09:11):
the jury and let the judge a side. And that
would have been an easier way out for him. Yes,
and so that's what they did. It was so much
easier to what they did was they said, oh, he'll
pay a little bit of restitution, he'll pay the court
fines will give him um. I think it was like
(09:34):
seven years probation or something. If he ever gets in
trouble again. They'll have to do the time. Um. And
they knocked it down from where it would have been
attempted murder. They knocked it down to a misdemeanor of
unlawful of thought mm hmm, which means like if somebody
(09:58):
just accidentally bumps and you know that's really nice, but
it justifies or you hit somebody but didn't know how
they need it or whatever. Um. So that's how he
was able to go into the military. Um, because they
knocked it down and he went into the military. But
(10:21):
from what I understand, he's still assaulted someone within that
time frame of that probationary period for seven years, and
again he got a snap on the wrist. That victim
never came forward when this all came out again. She
didn't want to testify it because she felt like if
(10:42):
he got away with it with her back, then we
would complicate it again. Right. Do you think that the
first because I don't think this is his first time
doing it either. Do you think the first you do
you think the people before him, because I'm surprised nobody
else has or how people came out. Previous survivors came
out and said that he did this to them as well. Okay. So, um,
(11:05):
when I was in the hospital, his parents were at
my hospital bed like every day. Wow. That's why I said,
I know that I was at the first victim. They
were trying to make sure they don't catch a body. Yes, Um,
what better place to be at to see what's going on.
You can't hear what the doctors are saying. That is scary.
(11:28):
And so my family not dealing with this ever before
they didn't know what they were up to, and they
were there every day, and then finally and they they
probably was willing to pay for stuff too. They were
so what they did was they were there every day
(11:50):
and they pretended that they were not. They did not
condone what he did. They were like, oh, we can't
believe he did this is it's horrible. Oh my god,
I hope she's gonna survive that type of thing. Wow.
Once they started seeing I guess that, Okay, maybe she's
(12:10):
gonna survive this. They said to my mother one day,
they said, well, maybe we give um because I just
heard eighteen. They were basically the they were waiting to see,
like does she want to press charges? Because I was eighteen?
And so they said to my mother they said, wow,
(12:34):
maybe we can all discuss this and come up with
some kind of agreements so she won't press charges. Wow,
And my mother said absolutely not. I don't know what
else she said. I'm sure it's probably some choice words,
but she said, absolutely not, and never come back here again. Yeah,
(13:00):
you can't put a price tag on my child's head.
What's raging at all. And so she told them, she
basically told them you might as well get ready because no,
we're pressing charges. We're going to the fullest with this.
And so that's how I know that, No, I wasn't
(13:20):
the first, and we know that it definitely wasn't the last.
I think the victim after me, I think they cursed
that person into um letting it be a lesser charge
or whatever. Um. Of course they didn't mention me, but
they probably said, oh, you know, it's gonna ruin his
life and this and that he didn't mean it, it
(13:43):
will never come around you again, or whatever they had
to do to make this person feel like he's out
of your life. Um, and he got away with it.
And then wait, is this the one? Because I know
in two he attacked his ex girlfriend and he beat
off aid her face. Is that the one. No, wow,
(14:04):
this is one before her. That is crazy. He needed
to be under the jail. So the next one he
attacked her before. Wow, it's happed to her a few
years before that. Okay, she pressed charges. Okay, he got
(14:27):
away with it. It comes back a couple of years
later and he confronts her again. This time she's like,
I already know you from the last time, right, So
she knew not to run in the house because he
(14:48):
came to her house unannounced. I was outside waiting for her.
So it takes you back to my situation. We're go
touch about the stocking like you didn't good? Where are you? Yeah?
Then freising full circle. So he once she saw that
he had been sitting out there, she ran and jumped
(15:10):
back in her car, and that's where he chased her down,
ramped her car part enough that he knocked the whole
pumper all what yeah, it jumped out, broke the door open.
This nigga over. She was at a red light thingcause
(15:31):
she had lost him, and meanwhile he is on her.
My god, yes, So when he when he yanked the
door open, she started like trying to punch and trying
to fight him, and he was hitting her back and
then he started he grabbed her and what did he
(15:53):
learn in the militant Wow, trying to try and goll
drop somebody's eye. So he was trying to balge out
her eyes and while he was doing that, she was
screaming and fighting hum when his pinky got in her
mouth and she did it, and she beat him hard
(16:17):
enough that he got it got well. That's what made
him so mad that she had then to bite him,
and so he decided, I'll bite you back. And then
she put off her face. Oh my god, that is
hard break here, and the same thing, he spit it
(16:39):
out on the ground. He jumped in his car and
he went back home. Man, oh man, you really don't
know people that are so scary when you heard the story,
like with your story and still saying yeah, like this
(17:06):
is crazy. So what they did was for his defense
was they tried to blame it on the military, but
he was like this before the military. That's the way
I come in at right, So I came in as
a surprise witness. No, I know he was shocked when
he saw you. Definitely him and his parents were really shocked.
(17:33):
What do you think in cases like this? Do you
think the parents should also be responsible. Um, yes, I do.
Do you think that would ever happen eventually, like like
some type of law or something, because let's say, if
the parents didn't know after so many situations, something gonna
be like, okay, we have a problem here. Yes, And
(17:54):
the fact that you keep on making sure to get
in the best defense lawyers, and you know, you're coming
out with all the reasons of why it wasn't his
fault and it was because this happened or that happened.
And I feel like this, like nobody wants to admit
that their child is a monster. But if you don't
(18:17):
do anything but one the other person, right, That's what
I think. So, wow, what did your recovery look like?
Because I know also you have to relearn your like
your basic motor skills, yes, basic motor skills, UM, reading, writing. Um,
(18:40):
it was really it was really hard. It was really
hard because they told me I would always have migraines
for the rest of my life. Um it was hard. Yes,
it was hard. With the memory laws, that was really difficult.
Um everything not knowing I'll never be able to learn
(19:03):
how to dance. It was just difficult. It was really hard,
aching and so many and depression and ETSD and you know,
you go through the emotions of my fault. But I
didn't see what I did see. You know it's hard. Yeah,
(19:27):
it's hard. How did this affect your family? Because I
know your mom was probably like, oh yeah, my whole
family was devastated. My parents they were just like, oh
my goodness, Like she was in New York where you think, why,
you know, one of the roughest neighborhoods to go and
move to another state Downsauth. People love to stay the
(19:50):
North is crazy to go down south and get tacks
and they're like wait, what right? But yeah they were, Um,
I think for my brothers being raised to always protect me,
that really hurt them. Even though one of my brothers
(20:10):
was still in Newark but still to this day see
him so upset. It is this, it's the story my
father alf male, really huge in stature. Um, that devastated
him that like he couldn't protect me and they couldn't
(20:32):
get at him. You know, they wanted to, you know,
you want to revenge. I don't put hands on the parents. Yes, yes,
I know, right, I think my mother afters was just
like here it is I was being nice and these
people really had yeah. So yeah, but my whole family
(20:54):
just devastated just to see me as a different person.
And I bless your grandmother, my god, my grandmother who
saved my life. Let me tell you a few years
ago they are in Virginia. They gave Pon award. Oh
that was beautiful. Yeah, and then just citizen and beautiful. No,
(21:20):
that's because you know, some people would have probably like
reacted and she and some people would probably like try
to get him off of you. But that's why you
have to like really like take your time and think
and think what's the best solution. Because they could have
went left. It surely could have went And that that's
what I try and tell people. As much as you
want to be involved, the most important thing is to
(21:43):
first protect yourself. Right. You have to protect because if
you don't, how are you gonna get help for the
other person? Right? And we we somebody gotta be around.
Somebody gotta be around, somebody. Nobody gonna make it right
to tell what happened, right, because nobody would probably believe it. Right.
(22:04):
You gotta know that there's a difference between someone just
being you know me, and then there's crazy, right, it's psychotic.
What someone's meaning is psychotic. That's a whole different level
of people. Yeah. Wow. In twelve he was sentenced to
(22:25):
thirty five years in prison at the age of fifty.
Do you feel like you receive your closure? Yeah, she's
smiling hard. Thank you, not just for me, but for
other people as well. Yeah, and that you know that
(22:46):
particular day, like who knew? So many years, so many years,
so many years. I never would have ever guessed in
my life because I went on all those years from that.
Let me not get a mution, from the day that
(23:07):
him and I went to court to the day that
they called us and said like this was the final
symptoms that injustice. To me, felt like I wish I
had died, right, And I felt like that's the only
way that that would have gotten justice because if I
were have died, because they have to prove it. Unfortunately,
(23:29):
So for twentysomething years I didn't talk about it was
just like who kids, Who's gonna listen. I felt like
in the beginning, I said, oh, I want to tell
other people so they won't have to cook what I
went through. But after a while I felt like I
didn't get justice. So how am I gonna talk to
(23:51):
somebody about making sure that you speak out? When I
did speak up, I did testify, I did press charges,
They did every right, and you just said, got like
nothing to happen. But I think that's why your story
is so beautiful, because unfortunately a lot of women can
relate to that they do everything right and they still
don't get the justice that they deserve. Yes, And I
(24:13):
just feel like for those I know that everybody, um
sometimes can't find the strength and they don't have the
support system that I had to tell them, no, go
ahead and press two charges, No go ahead regardless, because
I do feel like now like it'll catch up. Had
I not press charges or anything when he went to
(24:36):
court this last time, it would have been another step
on the wrist because they went history right and um,
So it was hard because, like I said, for for
all those years, those twenty twenty five years, when I
went to court and his lawyers said that was twenty
five years ago, we really shouldn't even be visiting this. Wow,
(24:58):
I suffered for twenty five I sat for twenty five
years knowing it. I couldn't join the military, wasn't a
Nottion because my injurance no military was gonna taken with
a fracture skull that I had a fracture sco with
a blood to my brain and they had to take me.
Then I gonna take me that I used to have teatures, right,
(25:19):
I struggled to take basic college courses sometimes because I'm
loving my like so and like that affected me in
in other relationships and everything. So did you just see
twenty five years ago? No, but for twenty five years
to go in day in and day out when nobody
(25:41):
else knowing how many times I wished I wasn't here, right,
and so um on that day I didn't know. I
knew testifying I was doing it to try and help others,
but I didn't know that that was where my playing
(26:02):
and my purpose would would be revealed to me. And
so what happened was when I once I testified, I
went back into the courthouse. I went back into the
court room, I got left out, and then I came
back came and when I came back in, it was
a lady. She walked in when I first walked in,
(26:22):
and she was sitting on the edge. And now I
was really hoping that she would move over so I
could really hear because suggestion, he's so kind of like quiet,
he wasn't allowed and I wanted her to kind of
like move over, but she didn't, so I just had
to sit next to her and hear what they were saying.
(26:43):
And come to find out that lady was a news
reporter mm hmm. And because the victim didn't come to court,
they asked me if I would give an interview. So
I was like, uh, I was speaking out about it.
So I was just like, it is in the newspaper,
(27:04):
and they were like yeah, And I was like, okay,
I'll do it. It's in the newspaper. No one will
really be able to affiliate a lot of people don't
read the newspaper. So I was like, okay, I'll do it, right,
What do you know? I know right? So I was like, okay,
I'll do it, and so I did that. I did
the interview right afterwards, and then I got home. No,
(27:26):
I got to my grandmother's to go tell how what happened,
because for the whole year and a half I didn't
tell my grandmother mm hmm. Nobody knew that I was
gonna be a surprise of witness. So I went to
her house and I said, um, I just left court
and she was at court and I was like, yeah,
with Kevin, and she was like, what what did he do?
(27:47):
And that's that he attacked somebody else and she was
like uh. And then I started telling her, you know,
like I knew about this for a whole year m hm,
and you're in the half like I just stayed silent.
And then I told her and she was like a
little worried about like what if they would have his
(28:09):
friends or family want to retaliate and things like that.
And I was like, well, that's why I didn't tell
nobody for a year and a half because it would
have made me always be winning that before time to testify.
I told her. I said that that's why theyn't tell anybody.
I didn't want anybody trying to change my mind. I
(28:30):
didn't want this heavy on my mind. So she said okay,
she said, well, she said, she said, whatever you have
to do in order to hear, because this is your
story exactly. And so from that point they called and
(28:50):
said that they needed um. They that they wanted to
have me in the news that night m hm. And
I was like, oh, that's gonna be a whole different viral.
Let's see my face. And that's what happened. I didn't
and it went viral, and that's how the television show
(29:12):
came about. It went viral. Um. But that was the beginning.
From that point on, after the television show, I started
realizing that this is much bigger than just testifying at
(29:32):
court and to really help somebody. It's a lot more.
So I started uh studying about domestic violence. I started
started studying laws, I started started studying everything I could
learn about signs. I started of course it leads to
(29:53):
sexual assault, it leads to about childhood US and I
just started studying any and everything that I good. And
I started volunteering at the shelter and then just different organizations.
I became an advocate and here I am just I um.
(30:17):
God has showed me that everybody, it's not gonna be
at a conference. It's not where your victims are. Because
when God gave me the first television show, I was
like Wow. So I prayed and said God, please continue
to blow my mind. So I guess he said, okay,
you want me to blow your mind, so you gave
(30:38):
me a second Wow, and then he gave me a
third Yeah, you are like everywhere. I'm like, come on now,
it's so it's just oh my god, I'm just so grateful.
And I kept saying, well, you know, I started realizing
that different ones showed different areas. Thank God for repeats,
(31:01):
because everybody is to see it all at one time.
So even for them to still keep showing it, I'm
so grateful because people will still see it and reach
out say I just saw it right, right, And you
know what, maybe at the time you might have even
seen it the first time, but it didn't affect you, right,
But then you know, years later, you see it again
(31:24):
and it may be a family member, may be a friend,
and maybe a child and maybe you that sees it
and they reach out to me, and and then that's
where we go. I I just had to e d
S yesterday that reached out to me that our neat
So I'm like, okay, now, this is what we gotta do.
(31:45):
This is what you gotta do, this is what should
have happened. And I just found out where they would
stayed they're in. I don't care where you are in
this world. I would find out the information. I'll send
it to you. I'll get you in touch with whatever
organizations are in your area, whatever I gotta do. But um,
I had one young lady sat my daughter. Now, she
(32:11):
just went opened my eyes because sometimes we be so
involved in what's right in front of our face. She
reached out to me and she said, I saw I
saw your television shot, right. I saw you on TV.
And I was like, okay, that's great that or that
you know. And while I was helping her, she didn't
(32:33):
see it on TV. She saw it on YouTube. I
was like, she st on YouTube, okay. And what happened
was she wasn't allowed to take at TV at home. Wow,
she saw it, um Wi. She was at work. That
was the only place that she could. But why she
(32:55):
can't watch TV? Was she working so like on her break,
I guess she watched her her oh gohead, but he
regulated watching oh she I'm thinking she living home with
her parents. She lived at home with a man. Wow,
that's crazy. So she wouldn't have never been able to
(33:19):
watch anything like that, right, Wow? Yo, Then I don't
want to bash these men. She escaped that situation, but
um and I never saw her face until the day
she got to the air Wow, God, bless her face. Time.
It's like, wow, listen, not all superheroes were cakes. Many
(33:47):
we have a few more questions that I would let
you go ahead. No, no, no, no, you're good, You're good.
But that's crazy. I'm really thinking that she at home
with her parents. It didn't even dawned on me that
she's with her partner. And if he's not even allowing
her in the worsh TV that you know something, what
else he's not allowing her to do? What are you
doing her? The only thing she could do was to
go to work. Wow, that's heartbreaking. I'm just curious. Do
(34:11):
you think that domestic balance is going to ever come
to an end? No? Mm hmm, I don't know. Wow.
I would love for it to come to it. I
don't know if it ever will. But I think the
one thing, I think the two things that need to
(34:32):
happen first and foremost, it has to be more awareness, right,
and definitely differ sentences supper laws right, right, Um, But
a lot of times was so sad about it is
regardless of the of the time, jail sentences a lot
(34:58):
of times something that triggers in their mind. They don't care, right,
They don't care. And we see so many how muside
suicides mm hmm, where they killed They'll kill the woman,
they'll kill the children, and then they kill themselves. Seeing
now a lot more. I am seeing it a lot too, Yeah,
(35:23):
a lot more. And then there's a lot of them
that's like, I'm gonna kill you. No, no, I'm going
to check. I'm okay, right, Yeah, that's scary unfortunately. So
you know, people often say that this can never happen
to them. What are your thoughts on that domestic violence
(35:50):
does not discriminate right on age, race, religion, creed, economic status.
Of course, we all think that it will never happen
to a lot of times people think that they they
(36:12):
think that domestic violence is black and white. They think
that it's gonna be so um. They think that the
signs are so blatant, and a lot of people are
unaware of all of the signs. That That's why I
try and raise the awareness. That's why that's the most
(36:33):
important pieces, the weirdness to know the different signs, to
know a lot of I just had a woman tell
me yesterday, I didn't even know I was a victim
mm hmm until they actually had it on the paper
and said, you know, I was a victim and I
didn't feel like I was a big mm hmm. So
(36:55):
a lot of people don't even know the signs, so
of course everybody feels invisible. Oh, I would never letting
me and do that to me. I would never let
a woman do that to me. Of course, nobody wakes
up and says, oh, yeah, just take advantage of me
and treat me wrong and everything. But there's so many
different types. It's not just the physical right, and it
(37:16):
doesn't happen. There's a grooming process. H m hm. Whoever,
when people say that I would I would never wish
for it, they happened to them, right, good man. I'm
just curious, how does this affect your your relationships with men?
(37:36):
Like is it hard for you or was it hard
for you to trust men? Oh? Absolutely? Mm hmm. And
when you have because I know you have three beautiful kids,
how has this affected them or what do you hope
that they will receive from your story? I hope they'll
(37:57):
receive to uh advocate with me. Yeah um, and definitely
not do it themselves, whether they're the perpetrator or a victim.
I don't want to keep the side of that fence.
(38:22):
I don't know, I guess just but I'm not here
any longer. Just just keep my legacy gone right now,
they definitely will. I mean you are everywhere so and last,
not least, what does an advice you would give to
someone who feels that they might be in a dangerous relationship?
(38:44):
And the first thing that came around and still out
right the answer that's something not the answer I would say, Um,
seek help. M hmm, I needn that's very dangerous. It's
sounds so easy, Oh, get girl, get help, boy, get help. No,
(39:07):
that's not easy because like the victim I told you
about where your every move is mm hmm, it's not
easy to get It's not easy. Um, because they study
you so much that they know changes. You know that
(39:28):
it's something different. But if you can get help and
figure out a way of how you get are able
to get out of this situation. Um. But you just
have to be very strategic and how you do that
and who you takes right. And then the reason I
(39:51):
say that it's because that's important, yes, But the reason
I say that is because a lot of times these perpetrators,
but they you do this, they isolate you, but they
also know termed mm hm. So if if I was
(40:12):
in a relationship and my partner knew that I'm best
friends with happening and I told you, I could be right,
because that's gonna be the first PDAs that he's gonna go.
And let's just say that I happen to not tell me,
(40:32):
but he still doesn't still put fine. Just so, just
was really about a case where the best friend kind
of help to the other lady and she didn't even
(40:58):
know that she was being a stark. H mm hmm. Yeah,
they will watch it. They put a try on first. Wow.
So it's just I think I would just say, don't decides,
(41:21):
try and see some type of how if they are
trying to me, don't make an announcement, that would be
don't make don't make the announce me, don't make friends,
(41:41):
and don't don't be like, oh, I'm gonna leave, I'm
gonna go get my brother, I'm gonna pull my thought
like sometimes you're getting so enraged because you've been fighting
for so long day it gives you just superpower type
of strength. I'm not gonna take this anymore. Are you been?
This is the last time you're gonna ever put your
(42:02):
hand told me I'm gonna call please, so I'm gonna
do this something, and you're letting him know exactly what
you're gonna planning on doing and domestically about power and controls.
Once you put that out there, believe the power in
a sense losing your power because now you know that's
what you're playing on doing. So I'm gonna beat you
before you can get to that. Right, Let's beat you,
(42:23):
beat you, beat you like the punchline. Right, said that
before you can call somebody before you think you do
some before you can do that. And my other advice
would be whatever he tells you, m yeah, delete it,
(42:44):
not only to be I think that people need to
be somebody told him that this is going on, and
I think that victims and perpetrate it. Tells you something.
If he's that type of person that's always threatening and
saying to me, I'll see your whole fing right, take
(43:05):
it as an I don't he needs. If he tells
you I have her best friend and he told her,
I'll set you on fire, years went by, he sat
on the time for what that was to Regassi, Wow
(43:30):
is she okay? She she's alive. Wow, God is good man.
That is crazy. He told her that for years of
the day. It's just one of those things that keeping
like I do this, I'll do that, I'll set you
on fire, I'll do that, and he always stow it like, Okay,
I'm man. When people hear your story, you want people
(43:50):
ain't gonna be dating no more to think about your home.
Girl with the fire man, really tell you just believe
it can be safe if you do plan on leaving,
don't don't take it as um like I'll just be
able to walk out, because that's the most dangerous time,
(44:12):
right And I always used to tell people like nothing
good happens late at night and I don't want to
be alone and things like that. But in my situation,
he knew, we learned alone. He was just different. He
was that was a demon. That's just pure evilness. Well,
(44:38):
I appreciate you for sharing your story. I know when
people hear this story, they are just gonna be an
amaze and just just wow, like for it to take
this long for you to get justice. And I'm telling you, y'all,
she looked good at y'all skins glowing, teeth is white.
Thank you so much. I really you appreciate you for
(45:00):
telling your story. I'm so happy that we connected, and
I'm definitely gonna keep in contact with you so we
can work on other things. But you know, I really
do hope that these stories encourage people to, like, really
pay attention. Something don't feel right. That means it is
not right. Yes, you got that instinct for a reason.
(45:22):
So I got instinct that told me to turn around. Yeah. Crazy, crazy.
But if you have any questions, comments, to concerns, please
make sure to email me a hello at the PhD
podcast dot com. And until next time, everyone, Happy New Year.
(45:42):
Until next time, everyone, later, you're not gonna say bye,
Host
Eboné Almon
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