March 11, 2023 • 43 mins
In Part 2, my guest shares her thoughts on banning guns, if her relationship with God changed since her husband's death, and what she would say to her husband if she can speak to him one more time.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession It's
(00:37):
your Girl Ebana from the Professional Homegirl podcast, the only
place where you would hear interviews from women of color
anonymously on stories that will enlighten, and expand on taboo topics. Now,
if you hear someone that sounds familiar, mind the business
that pays you child. Please support the show by leaving
a five star review by some merch or simply share
(00:58):
these stories with your Professional home Girl. You never know,
these storylines can be someone else's lifeline. Now, please keep
in mind that all of my guests are anonymous. So
let's begin this week's episode. You spoke about him in
the last episode when you said that he felt like
where you said your partner felt like like the job
was affecting your relationship. And I'm like, wait, what's she
(01:19):
talking about him, because y'all was on and off. Yes, yes, because,
like I said, he came from the streets. Let me
say this. I'm not trying to act like, oh my god,
he was such a good person. He was a good person,
but he had a pass or whatever. But he came
from the streets. He was incarcerated at one point while
(01:39):
he was with me before he was with me when
he was younger, and while he was with me, and
so two different worlds, right, living under one roof. And
when I'm coming home talking about how devastated I am
because somebody got slashed in their face to the point
where I could see the back of the throat and
the teeth, I don't want to hear about that shit.
(02:00):
He like, all right, I don't want to talk about that.
Or he he may have been in a situation where
a correction officer came on posts, and you know what
I'm saying, like his experience was like not of a
helpful working correction officer, right, a lazy one, let's just say.
And so when I'm coming home and I'm tired in
(02:21):
his head, he likes, for what because y'all don't do
shit like you know what I'm saying, I'm like, no, I, oh, no,
I don't work. Yeah, I work. I'm doing what I
gotta do. And he like, yeah, and just don't want
to hear about that world. And it makes a difference.
I'm telling you, like I'm telling you, I'm dealt with
a correction officer, I dealt with a co worker and
(02:42):
is very, very different of course, because he understands on
a different level, right, even though he may not have
wanted to talk about that shit or day either, but
he just understands on a different level. So yeah, me
and him, it did affect our relationship a lot of times,
and a lot of stuff about it. You think you
you know, you got dinner plans and now yeah, or
(03:08):
you you you. It would be times when I'm standing
and waiting for the transportation to get to my car
in front of the jail and I call him like, yeah,
I got out, and they come out and be like,
I'm gonna put your uniform back on. We got a
hole we need phil Like that was the reality. Yeah
you Yeah, we went through a lot of stuff. Girl,
I would put it we was offering on. I would
(03:29):
put his behind out and be like, I'm not messing
with you no more than he would literally be like, oh,
tomorrow's your last You're probably gonna get stuck. You'll be
calling me tomorrow. Don't more about it. I'll be like, yeah,
like stuff like that. I've been. I went through everything
with that man. When I tell you everything, I was
(03:50):
twenty something years though he was younger than me, he
was barely twenty. I think he was twenty two twenty
three when I got with him. I was about twenty six,
twenty seven something. We don't know. Nothing, we don't know.
I asked for my elbows, seriously, everything that I am
as a woman, like as far as like cooking and
cleaning and stuff like that. I developed with him my
(04:13):
entire life. The way I moved, the way I think,
the way I set things up. It was not when
I think because of him, is not him telling me.
It's me learning, us learning together, you know what I'm saying,
or him just saying I was in the streets a
lot of years, girl, you better learn how to cook
because I want to home cook meal. Yeah, I'm saying,
(04:34):
like niggas is not trying to come home meal, you
know what I'm saying. And so he'd been through some things,
but he was a good person. He didn't deserve that.
I know that. If like I said, and I don't know, like,
but whatever the situation was, the type of person he was,
(04:54):
he wouldn't have did that to that to him, you
know what I'm saying. He might have. He might have
beat the bricks off of him where he could heal
up and live another day to be whatever he is
to whoever cares about him, a father, a son, or
whatever it be. I wouldna did that. That's just not
how he moved. That's just not who he was. Like,
(05:15):
he had some type of moral compass in him, right,
being a street guy or whatever or reform whatever you
want to call it. He's still and I mean mean mean,
he was tough, tough, but he has something in him.
This is what made that just would be like, but
(05:37):
you know what, I'm gonna just punch him in the
face or whatever. You know, So it hurts you more
because he wouldn't did that. Why that guns have not
been baying yet. They don't know how to I think,
I think, um, I think what I really thought they
(05:59):
was going figured this shit out is when the two
officers that got killed, which was literally down to block,
literally down the block for me, remember I think it
wasn't oh wait was it one of the It was
a Spanish officer. Yeah, young, like twenty two year old
or something like that. My wife was one of the
(06:21):
officer's wife was pregnant something or like she was pregnant.
But I know that he one had a wife. Remember
about she talked about I think they argued, yes, yes.
When she said that, I was like, oh, Lord, you
talking about guilt at grief. Lord had mercy and and
(06:42):
that's another thing with my grief. I have a lot
of guilt because me and my my husband was off
and on, you know what I'm saying, and the time
that he got murdered, we were trying to figure things
out kind of you know what I'm saying, and you
go through all of that, you know, But I back
to what I was saying about. I thought that um
(07:02):
Mayor Adams was going to I was like, oh, this shit.
The city is in a moment for a route awake.
And then I killed two because remember it was they
was responded to a domestic between the son and the mother,
remember actually, and he had one of those I think
it was a ghost gun like something when he went
(07:25):
in the back and flattered these officers and I was like,
oh my god, Oh they're gonna get this together, and
it felt like it was it was, and then it was.
It feels like the rats is more important than the
guns right now, you know what I'm saying, which they
are big problem in New York City. But I'm just
saying it felt like it was a highlight on it.
(07:48):
I know. For the what he did do was that
he made um in the courts, like the different courts
he has the hearings, like for gun cases he expedited.
He expedited them. Now. But that's as certainly mean that's
(08:10):
a good thing. You understand. Expediting means to me is
that we need to show this society that we're doing
something about this. That doesn't always get it right. That
just means that they're trying to get it done fast
to get people we were able to put behind you.
That means that they're putting more pressures. So that means
(08:32):
that some of our brown and black people and I'm
not just gonna say men, because women use fire arms,
illegal firearms, to that black and brown people might be
forced to take deals that they might not normally take.
They don't have enough time to think about it. Just
a lot of stuff, you know what I mean. So, um,
(08:55):
I just think they don't know how to get a
handle on it. They just do not know which which
I mean even being going through what I'm going through. Yeah,
that's a hard task, right, I mean, like how do
we stop people if we took away stopping fris What
do we do right? It's definitely a large part. It's
(09:17):
a really big problem. That was the topic that was
a big top of a discussion. How it was coming
in from south and how do they stop it from
You know what I'm saying, a cross, it's it's a whole.
I don't have the answer. I just know that it
needs to be on the top of the agenda, you
(09:40):
know what I mean, like how to figure it out?
We gotta try some things. We gotta they gotta come
out of the meetings and come into the doing. A
lot of people who make laws and make decisions and
have discussions that don't deal with the situations. They don't
live in the areas. They've never been by. So we
(10:03):
need to. I don't know. I don't know we need
I don't know community groups. I don't know the answer,
but I know that we can't bury this. We can't
have children and everything that are affected. Do you feel
like the gun industry should be held more accountable? Um I,
(10:26):
it's such a It's that hard thing for me because UM,
I don't in a way I think that the state
laws should be those like I said, um more training
harder to get you qualify after going through all of
(10:50):
these things that need to be in place. I think
that we have a right to bear arms. And I'm
not trying to sound or political, but I think that
you do have a right to arms. I think that
you have a right to protect yourself. But I think
that who is able to um acquire a firearm needs
(11:15):
to be looked at more with a fine tooth comb.
I think that's where I think that's where it's um
we're losing in translation, Like um, in Delaware, I know
somebody that got their gun in like fifteen minutes. Oh yeah,
never never held a firearm, didn't really know about a firearm.
(11:39):
Um husband was law enforcement retired, and he felt like
because he you know, knows all or whatever about guns,
and this is that a third about protecting himself? He
was it was came from a good place. But I
just feel like she needed more, you know, like just
(12:01):
don't have a record qualified her to get a firearm.
She could have been getting it for her son or
you know what I'm saying, or not educated about how
to lock it up and to it. So I think
that's where we need to start. I think the states
need to have stiffer laws and things put in place
(12:23):
to make it harder to get legal guns, right, and
then what do we do about the illegal guns? Because
they're out there, you know what I mean, And that
a lot of illegal guns. I was watching this documentary
and I was like, Wow, yeah, ghost gars are crazy.
(12:45):
Ray said in twenty twenty one in New York City
that they were able to recover I believe the number
was a little bit over seven thousand. Wow, illegal firearms.
Seven thousand. That's crazy, right, oh, d Like, I couldn't
(13:08):
believe it. I had to look at it. It was
like seventy three hundred or something like that. I was like, what,
it's ridiculous. It's scary. It's scary, especially and the men
in the culture that we have as far as mental health,
you know what I'm saying, and not being a dress
and um, like I said, a lot of bell reforms
(13:30):
and just the looseness I feel of some of the
things that go on in the world. Then we got
seven thousand guns out there, Like what do you do?
Block yourself up and go in a bubble? Yeah. I
was thinking the other day, this is so crazy. I
was thinking the other day, you know, being quarantined, wasn't
(13:54):
that bad? Like it stopped a lot of shit out here,
like we was you know, he wasn't hearing about a
whole bunch of crimes going on. People was trying to live, right,
they had going on. They was trying to live. And
I would never want the sickness and as many people,
God bless them that Lord State lives. But just a
(14:15):
quarantine part I was like, because I'm afraid of rid
the tray, Yeah, the trains is different. I think this, uh,
this pandemic, it really broke a lot of people mentally
thought something switch like it's crazy. It's like, it's like
(14:37):
nice of the living Dad, I don't know, it's I'm
I'm afraid to even I'm very comfortable in my um
like my little circumference or whatever the case may be.
But even then, I used to be like in my neighborhood,
I live across the street from a park, so I
used to joke and say, we always have one homeless
(15:00):
person at a time. I don't know if they have
a meeting, but right here in my little area, we
never have multiple homeless people. You'll see the one for
an extended amount of time, and when that one leaves,
another one would come and I And it may sound crazy,
but that type of system gives you a little bit
of comfort with that person. For me, I might be
(15:23):
a little bit crazy, but that person for me to
see them continuous. I'm the one that's like they'll be
talking and I'll be like, hey you good or something.
You know. I'll come into store they acting up in
the store. I feel like, come on, now, we don't
do that. Whatever case, maybe I'm afraid for that now,
like because just the mental health in this world is
(15:45):
so off kilter, like so off kilter, it's like, what
do you do? What do you do? I'm afraid to
go out. We went to the movies last night and
for a quick minute, I was like they dad could
shoot this movie data up? Like what no? Lie. I
was getting my nails done yesterday and I live in
(16:09):
Jersey now and this nigga came into the Neil salon
and he was bugged out talking about like he'll shoot
this place of this net And a woman kept doing
my nails. So the lady who was talking to she
was like, can you please go? I'm gonna call the police.
And he was like and I'm like miss, how can
you keep doing my nails? Like and this little mair
like I'm trying to look at to see what the
nearest exodus at, Like I don't play no games with
(16:32):
these niggas. No, and you can't. And you know what, Okay,
So I'm the type I used to be the type
of person that data happened. And if I was sitting
in no place and he could not be talking to me,
I'd be like, come on now, and nobody got time
for all that. Nobody today that I worked at, right,
I was a little bit okay with like mental health.
(16:52):
I worked with um what we call and most mental
mentally observation and detainees that big area in the specific
jels I worked in, so you know, the sudden ticks
and the sudden yellow that usually didn't bother me. But
this is different, yeah, in the air for the last
couple of years, this different. I don't know what it is.
(17:17):
I don't know if it's the legalization of marijuana. But
everybody ain't getting it from the dispensaries that you know
what I'm saying me, I don't know, but out here
it's crazy. And so I think that all of it
goes hand in hand. I think that we need to
have them too. Observation parts. When we're talking about people
(17:40):
acquiring firearms, right, you need to understand the effects of
a firearm. You need to understand how to break it down,
what to do if this happens, how to secure it properly.
Like nobody is not taking all of those steps, and
they still get in shotguns and yeah, yeah, they have
(18:03):
to figure that it comes from higher up. But the
thing about the higher up, like I said, I'm most
people who really don't understand it on the left this
level that we needed on the US little people down here.
So it's like has to be a mix and a
matching of people, right. We need some critical thinkers, right,
but we need some realistic people. And I don't know,
(18:27):
we got to start some conversations and then we got
to start some actual doings. Something has to happen, and
we fortunately evident we may not see a significant change
in our lifetime. But like the work of like the
Tamika Day, Malaby's the Until Freedoms, all of those people
that stand out and do those things there they are
(18:50):
We're living in history, right. They are the Malcolm Xin
and the Martin Luther Kings of our time, people like
me that before I'm affected personally, right, I have to
join to make the twenty and the five hundred and
the five thousands. That's the only way that we need
to make that we're going to make a difference. And
(19:11):
I don't I don't believe. And this may be an
unpopular opinion. I think it's more than marching and holding
up signs, not to say that that's not effective, but
I falk about really making serious change that we need
to become be in the rooms, right, oh yeah, changes.
(19:31):
And so we need to start raising our children to say, yeah,
you know what basketball ah thing I could tell you're
not coordinated, thankful enough, but you smart as hell. And
you because our children are smart, they paying attention. They
(19:55):
are living in unprecedented times where they have to pay attention.
It's things changing in this world. When we're talking about
gender roles, when we're talking about things like gun violence,
and we're talking about just the changes of the world.
They're smart. And so we have to groom our brown
children to become a part of the conversations in those
(20:18):
rooms without losing touch the reasons why they're in those rooms.
Do you understand, which is as when you start moving
in that direction, it's very hard to maintain right this
part of your life and still understand that you need
to be effective and way to make the changes. If
(20:42):
that makes sense, right, You got to marry two words
I've raised my children to say. I always say to
set my children listen. I don't expect nothing less but
great grades. And you got to know the book. And
don't let people tell you that you don't need your education,
because you dude. People will tell you you're you're not
going to use the math. That don't matter. You're still
should know it. And then of that, but make sure
(21:04):
you know these streets that your eyes watch. Make sure
that if he keep moving closer to you, that you
understand that this may be a potential threat and that
you on it right. You gotta have all of that.
You gotta be able like my daughter. You gotta be
able to wear your red bottoms and your timberlands, right.
You gotta be able to put on a ball gown
in your hoodie. But we need those type of mind
(21:26):
states to be in those rooms that remember right that
the communities that they're doing this for. And I think
that some people respectfully. As they move into that, they
forget right, they get changed, whatever it is they let them. Why. Yeah,
(21:47):
And that's why I think that. And I keep mentioning
her name. I don't know why, but I think that's
why I take to to meet Cudy Malory so much,
because she I feel like she sat in some some
you know, in situations, and she's very much a part
of but I don't ever see her lose her. I
(22:08):
met her by chance. She came out of out of
like some place on one hundred and twenty fifth Street,
and I was mouth open, like, right, this is she's regular, right, yeah,
her hair down or makeup on, just really like a
roundaway girl whatever. But I know her work. And my son,
my youngest son, was with me, and he was like,
(22:29):
what's up. And this was before my husband got killed,
so he's like, what's up? And I'm like, this lady.
I wanted to give him the short of it because
I wanted to meet her, right, So she was like
kind of sucking her phone. I was like, this lady
fights for us, like she fights for black people and
the George Floyd and black Lives matter whatever. And I
(22:50):
went up to her and it was something about her
spirit that what you see is who she is, Like
you could tell you know what I'm saying. We need
her a thousand times over and in these rooms talking
about But it has to be a change. But it
has to start. It has to start. We cannot have
(23:12):
continue to have forty ye old man father five, or
his lunch break getting gunned down in the middle of
a mall in Queens um by somebody who has an
illegal guns right to be the story. You know they
haven't caught the person, right, No, they know who he is. Um,
(23:38):
they're looking for him. You know, you know how cowards
do they? He's on the run. I was like, why
he wasn't Why didn't just stay around as brazy as
you are? I mean, you might as well might as
well just sat there a little cigarette and leaned doing
your car because you you act like you ain't care.
But no, his coward ass is on the run that
(24:00):
they're gonna get up. Do you do you feel like
law enforcement is doing everything they can. I do? I do?
And that's another experience to have, right because you don't
know what happens after we see the story on the
news and somebody get killed. You don't know what the
family has to go through. So I have been that
person that caused the detective right, that's like, well, I
(24:23):
know it's gonna be harder because it's after what what
what we watch on TV? They after forty Yeah, was
it's harder and all this other stuff. But they they
have done what they can, you know, like they put
everything in place to be able to find him when
it's time it's gonna happen. You cannot. You cannot just
(24:45):
my belief. You cannot play God or think you playing
God and God don't take care of you. That's just
it's just my God don't work like that. Even if
I know, and then whole lifetime he could think that.
You know, but God, it's going God is in control.
(25:07):
At this point, has this affected your relationship with God?
Like they didn't. It didn't make you question it. WHOA
how long is this hour because we might need to
Oh girl, oh I just got chills. So from you
following me, you know, I am turned up to five
(25:30):
o'clock in the morning, worshiping at nine o'clock. You do
being church people be like, way, ain't no way. He
was just on that video she'd be in the club y'all.
But she being Sunday, I'm gonna pop them and I'm
gonna go to every spot, but I'm gonna go to church.
And I'm saying I have only been a church one
(25:54):
time since my um husband was murdered. I have never
ever And I think I told you before evidence I
think you could do a whole podcast year of Barbie
because I got some stories. Girl, what topic you guy?
(26:15):
I probably got a story from it. I'd have been
through some things, and my little my little life been
through some things, and I've always leaned on my faith
like this is for a reason, even when I cried
about it, even when I confused, I can't figure this
one out. It's the first time that I've ever question
(26:38):
God like like seriously, I'm this this this kill I
have you. I literally have been in this house and
been like yelling out when my son is at school. Obviously,
I've literally been like why, God tell me like now
and if it's a lesson in it, I need to
see it now. Who the fuck am I? But I'm like,
(27:02):
I need to see it now, like ain't no, Eventually
I'm gonna know. I need to know now, like why.
It's like when I tell you. And it's so crazy
because my past up and his wife, our first lady,
actually met me at my house when I came from
the cruise and was here to help me tell my son.
(27:24):
And the very next time after that that I've seen
him was New Year's Eve and my son and I
went in his office and he said to me, and
I ain't gonna hold you. I don't question when it
comes to God. I don't question a lot of stuff.
But when he said it to me, I was like,
(27:47):
he's just looking for some shit to say. I swear
and I've never been like that. But he was like,
I don't know what I saw you walk there and
he was like the message I have for you is
go through it, but remain faithful. Don't don't let your
faith slide. And I was like yeah, And I didn't
(28:08):
get it then, but slowly. I've never been in my
I've been in church since I was three years old.
I ain't had much gaps where I wasn't like I
can't even think of a time when I like literally
didn't go for like months or whatever case may be.
I'm so comfortable not going to church right now. I
(28:30):
don't have not even prayed for myself. I have not
even prayed for it. I don't have the words because
I don't know what to say because, first of all,
every day is not real to me. Second of all,
what the Bible says is that your life, the destiny,
has already been planned and ordained by God. This couldn't
have been your plan God, like you telling me that
(28:52):
I was with somebody for seventeen years. I got a
thirteen year old son, and the plan was to take him.
Like what, Like, I just don't I don't get it,
but my faith is enough that I won't turn my
back completely. I'm afraid too, because I know God is
(29:13):
what governs my life. So I'm talking to him like
why no, no that. Later on then I'm crying because
I'm like, please God, dude, I'm sorry. Riya didn't mean it,
but I'm hurting or whatever case may be. So for me,
that's one of the biggest things. Like you know what
I mean, Like grief has me in a choke, bold girl.
(29:35):
I can't figure that shit out most days, and even
with my faith, which is everybody is like hmm, like
they can't believe it, right because I've been faithful evidence
you're understand. I ain't perfect, but one thing I have
been is faithful. You understand, like I do my kids.
(29:58):
You know my son's singing a quiet Yeah. My daughter
she when she hears, she do like us for real, God,
like what is the plan? And not to even be
like that because this might sound a little crazy, but
I have three children. I have three each one of
them have different fathers. My two oldest children, My oldest son,
(30:19):
his father is h you know what I'm saying, like
he's been there. My daughter her father, and out of all,
my husband is the only father that she knows. My
husband was a part of his son's life, like the
one that's active. You understand I'm saying, you gotta do
like work. It just don't make sense to me, and
(30:40):
so it makes you angry and then it makes you
feel like and then it ain't. I use the party
and the stuff excuse or I'm tired. But like I said,
I used to do that. Another reason why I haven't
going to church, and church doesn't have anything to do
with faith. I don't have to go to church, It's
what I'm saying. But for me, it's a big deal.
I don't. It's because people come from a loving place,
(31:05):
but they don't understand that. Sometimes I just need a minute,
see what I'm saying. My son is thirteen, he's trying
to figure this out. He's trying to process. So the
one time that we did go to church, it was
very overwhelming, very very old. And sometimes you don't want
to hear it like you just you just give me
love physically, but I don't want to hear it hear
(31:26):
it verbally because that could be a lie. You need
whatever and it comes. Let me tell you something now,
my church family has been an anchor. You understand. It
was so many of them at the services that it
probably took the first thing that took me aback before
I realized, like I'm really at a funeral for this nigga.
(31:47):
You know what I'm saying. But when I walked in
my church family, like the way they rose, like you know,
it's like it's very touching. But I don't know everything.
I'm changed, and I don't. I don't for some people
that may not know me all the way. You know
your people that's listening, that means nothing to me but
(32:10):
to them. But I'm so changed everything like and I'm
not I'm not changed. Like I don't don't say I mean,
I'm not that. I'm just I'm not the same. I'm
not is this is the biggest thing that has happened
to me in my life thus far. And don't get
(32:31):
me wrong, I know it could be much worse, but
this is bad. And I lost my father. It's a
different type of love. When I was fifteen years old
when I lost my father, Okay, he just he passed away,
passed away, but it was sudden, and it was he
was very much prevalent in my life and I thought
that was But it's a different type of love. You
(32:52):
know what I'm saying. As my dad, this is my husband,
I'm a grown woman. I'm definitely changed, like just the way.
I don't know how to explain it, but definitely my relationship,
my relationship with God hasn't changed. My faith is a
little bit rocky. If that means have you seen the
(33:12):
change your kids? Yes, my son that it was his father.
I just had to have a conversation with him. So
he goes to grief counseling. He started in which he
likes in God. You know, he don't like it, but
we found somebody that you know, what I'm saying. That's
(33:34):
good to him, So that's good. But he how was
He's thirteen. So we've had conversations, especially early on when
it first happened, and I was like okay, okay, okay, okay,
and he was like, yeah, my, like I'm sad, but
I don't feel like I want to cry. And I
(33:54):
was like, that's fine, you don't have to cry, you
know what I'm saying. Like then I noticed I just
had a conversation with him last week because he has
been very snappy, like angry and snappy and and just
will like not even like disrespectful, just like I gotta
be tough and I gotta be strong, you know what
(34:15):
I'm saying. And I had to have a conversation with him,
and I was like, you don't have to be sad,
but you also don't have to you you did not
step into your father's shoes. You understand. I'm still very
much your mother and I still got you. I could
never be him, but I understand that you lost your dad.
(34:35):
You understand I'm saying so like, and I'm one of
the toughest the mother, you don't gotta be tough. I
just need you to be thirteen, and I need you
to be okay being thirteen and being okay you know
what I mean, like regular thirteen. Shiit, you just happen
to be at thirteen year old that happened to have
a father that I was murdered. But we're not gonna
make that your life. You understand, you don't have to
(34:58):
adopt that and be hard or whatever. And we kind
of cried it out, and it just was last week,
but I think it made a little bit of a difference.
It kind of let her feel like, oh, Okay, yeah,
I don't have to You don't have to have the
responsibility of anything. You know nothing, all right, child, Yeah,
(35:20):
you're a child, and it's okay for you to be
a child. It's okay for you to hurt. It's okay
for you to be confused. It's okay for your your
attitude to be different towards it today than it is yesterday.
But you don't got to be tough and hard whatever.
So I've seen that my other children, all of my
children are total opposite of me. Right, So I'm just
(35:42):
standing on the couch and the kind of standing in
the corner for the most part. So they introvert, so
I won't ever know which is bad. Is the reason
why I got him to greet counselor because they hold
a lot of stuff. I always say my kids are
obedient kids. They're good kids, and they obedient, But this
(36:03):
is one of the times where I want them to
talk a little bit more, you know what I'm saying,
and not obedient, Like I'm my kids and I like,
sit down or whatever case they be. They just are
like they're just cool kids. I'm saying. Kids, I don't
get a lot of backlashes, like get dressed with goll
to church. They get dressed with all the church. I don't.
I don't I know kids. My kids are thirteen, twenty
and twenty eight. I know people that got kids that's
(36:26):
younger than that and be like, I don't want to
go my kids, don't do that. But let them know
that they have a voice. But I just don't think
they know what they're supposed to be feeling and what
this feels like. It is new for all of us,
you know what I mean, And so and I'm really
really messed up. So I think that they feel like
(36:47):
they have to keep it together a little bit because
I'm real bad and I try to. I try to
not have those type of breakdowns and stuff when they
are around, but I'm not always so good at it.
So yeah, we're just working together. My daughter is very
(37:07):
good at connecting because she goes, you know a way
to college, so she's very good at connected with me
and with her brother and stuff like that. So we
just working through it, right, And nobody can't tell you.
There's no manuscript for that, you know what I'm saying.
(37:28):
And last and not least, if you could say one
last thing to your husband, what would it be? Oh, back,
that's a good one. Um, I don't know. It's like
(37:54):
ten different things just went through my head. I wanted
to say, tell him I love him, but I know
he knew that, you know what I'm saying, so I
wouldn't want to waste it or something that I know
he knew. I want to say I got this, but
I know he know I got it as much as
I to the to the death for me, I got
these kids. Um, I don't know. I'm sorry this happened
(38:19):
to him. I don't know. He didn't deserve this because
everything else. I feel like I'm a great communicator and
he knew and he felt each other, like I knew
he loved me, you know what I'm saying. So I
don't know, but that's a good one. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know, and I don't want
(38:41):
to take the easy route. I don't want to say
I love you because, like I said, I know he
knew that, but um yeah, probably that. It's so funny
because he did. He did get shot and died right
at the scene. But I wondered when he sattled for
you know, if he had a minute too. They said
(39:03):
he went to go say something. That's when the blood
came out of out Like what was his sport? You
know what I'm saying. What was he thinking about? Do
you only have time to say, oh shit? Or please God?
You know what I'm saying, Because he had a relationship
with God. You know, my my experiment used to wake
up and whisper. This is something I never told anybody.
(39:30):
He used to wake up and whisper. And he doesn't
know until right now he's listening that I knew it.
And he used to always whisper and say thank you
God for waking me up. He's allowed me to have
a good thing please allowed me to be safe to
make it back home to my family. Every single morning.
He used us for that every single morning, And that
(39:53):
in and of itself is a relationship with God, you
know what I mean, Like just that you can get
to the first thing when you opened your odd So
I wonder if he had a minute to say anything
or what was his thought but to him, I don't know.
I just I just love him so much. I mean,
like he is my soul mate. You know people say
(40:18):
that all the time, but he was. He was, He
was my soul mate. I know he is exactly what
God intended for me, even if it was just for
this amount of time, the short time, you know, if
it was for that, I know that God wanted me
to experience. I love like that, you know what I mean.
(40:38):
I know he did. I know he did. So I
don't know, Well, I appreciate you for coming on and
sharing your story than heaven smiling. This is a beautiful conversation.
I know he is. I know he's like, oh that
girl always, I'll be like you doing you. I'm gonna
(41:02):
stay all your mom forever one way up like right, yeah, yeah,
we had that type of crazy, crazy love. We had hm. Well,
I appreciate you to the listeners. If I have any questions,
comments or concerns, please make sure to email me a
hello at the PhD podcast dot com. And thank you
(41:22):
so much to my guests. We would definitely want to
follow a real song. Again, thank you so much. You
don't even notice. Is this was like therapy, a little
bit for me to be able to talk and remind
myself to keep it together because people don't want to
hear no snot and blubbering. They wanted that information and
so I was able to talk about it in a
(41:45):
way that haven't been able to in these last two muths.
So I thank you, thank you for even thinking about me,
and thank you for the platform. Like I said before,
um let's figure this out people whoever's listening, Let's let's
come together and a type the way. Don't be a mean?
Is that a good thing to say? Don't be a mean?
May not be that could be a you. I think
(42:06):
that we should just be We all have to be
more proactive. Yeah, like you may not be roll to pars,
but let's stand. Let's stand behind the people that do
step up, and let's different in this world. I don't
want to sound corny, but let's let's let's make a difference.
Let's try to live a little bit. Yeah, and let's
(42:30):
make people accountable for illegal guns and illegal behavior and
all of that other stuff. Let's work to that. That's
my massa. You know what's so funny. I had a
conversation with Eric's Garner's daughter, one of his daughters, and
she said the same thing, how you'll be surprised how
just standing with somebody and being supportive can really change
(42:52):
their day. So I agree. I think that we all
should be way more proactive when it's his our communities.
That's the message. Let's be pro people. Let's let's change
the world. We already live in history, m in the
in the times where people are going to definitely read
about more profound than other times in this history of
(43:16):
this world. Let's make it. Let's make it a good one.
Let's difference. Thank you having it? Are you welcome? And
until next time, everyone, later you're gonna say bye bye.
I thought you hi. Thank you for listening.
Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession It's
(00:37):
your Girl Ebana from the Professional Homegirl podcast, the only
place where you would hear interviews from women of color
anonymously on stories that will enlighten, and expand on taboo topics. Now,
if you hear someone that sounds familiar, mind the business
that pays you child. Please support the show by leaving
a five star review by some merch or simply share
(00:58):
these stories with your Professional home Girl. You never know,
these storylines can be someone else's lifeline. Now, please keep
in mind that all of my guests are anonymous. So
let's begin this week's episode. You spoke about him in
the last episode when you said that he felt like
where you said your partner felt like like the job
was affecting your relationship. And I'm like, wait, what's she
(01:19):
talking about him, because y'all was on and off. Yes, yes, because,
like I said, he came from the streets. Let me
say this. I'm not trying to act like, oh my god,
he was such a good person. He was a good person,
but he had a pass or whatever. But he came
from the streets. He was incarcerated at one point while
(01:39):
he was with me before he was with me when
he was younger, and while he was with me, and
so two different worlds, right, living under one roof. And
when I'm coming home talking about how devastated I am
because somebody got slashed in their face to the point
where I could see the back of the throat and
the teeth, I don't want to hear about that shit.
(02:00):
He like, all right, I don't want to talk about that.
Or he he may have been in a situation where
a correction officer came on posts, and you know what
I'm saying, like his experience was like not of a
helpful working correction officer, right, a lazy one, let's just say.
And so when I'm coming home and I'm tired in
(02:21):
his head, he likes, for what because y'all don't do
shit like you know what I'm saying, I'm like, no, I, oh, no,
I don't work. Yeah, I work. I'm doing what I
gotta do. And he like, yeah, and just don't want
to hear about that world. And it makes a difference.
I'm telling you, like I'm telling you, I'm dealt with
a correction officer, I dealt with a co worker and
(02:42):
is very, very different of course, because he understands on
a different level, right, even though he may not have
wanted to talk about that shit or day either, but
he just understands on a different level. So yeah, me
and him, it did affect our relationship a lot of times,
and a lot of stuff about it. You think you
you know, you got dinner plans and now yeah, or
(03:08):
you you you. It would be times when I'm standing
and waiting for the transportation to get to my car
in front of the jail and I call him like, yeah,
I got out, and they come out and be like,
I'm gonna put your uniform back on. We got a
hole we need phil Like that was the reality. Yeah
you Yeah, we went through a lot of stuff. Girl,
I would put it we was offering on. I would
(03:29):
put his behind out and be like, I'm not messing
with you no more than he would literally be like, oh,
tomorrow's your last You're probably gonna get stuck. You'll be
calling me tomorrow. Don't more about it. I'll be like, yeah,
like stuff like that. I've been. I went through everything
with that man. When I tell you everything, I was
(03:50):
twenty something years though he was younger than me, he
was barely twenty. I think he was twenty two twenty
three when I got with him. I was about twenty six,
twenty seven something. We don't know. Nothing, we don't know.
I asked for my elbows, seriously, everything that I am
as a woman, like as far as like cooking and
cleaning and stuff like that. I developed with him my
(04:13):
entire life. The way I moved, the way I think,
the way I set things up. It was not when
I think because of him, is not him telling me.
It's me learning, us learning together, you know what I'm saying,
or him just saying I was in the streets a
lot of years, girl, you better learn how to cook
because I want to home cook meal. Yeah, I'm saying,
(04:34):
like niggas is not trying to come home meal, you
know what I'm saying. And so he'd been through some things,
but he was a good person. He didn't deserve that.
I know that. If like I said, and I don't know, like,
but whatever the situation was, the type of person he was,
(04:54):
he wouldn't have did that to that to him, you
know what I'm saying. He might have. He might have
beat the bricks off of him where he could heal
up and live another day to be whatever he is
to whoever cares about him, a father, a son, or
whatever it be. I wouldna did that. That's just not
how he moved. That's just not who he was. Like,
(05:15):
he had some type of moral compass in him, right,
being a street guy or whatever or reform whatever you
want to call it. He's still and I mean mean mean,
he was tough, tough, but he has something in him.
This is what made that just would be like, but
(05:37):
you know what, I'm gonna just punch him in the
face or whatever. You know, So it hurts you more
because he wouldn't did that. Why that guns have not
been baying yet. They don't know how to I think,
I think, um, I think what I really thought they
(05:59):
was going figured this shit out is when the two
officers that got killed, which was literally down to block,
literally down the block for me, remember I think it
wasn't oh wait was it one of the It was
a Spanish officer. Yeah, young, like twenty two year old
or something like that. My wife was one of the
(06:21):
officer's wife was pregnant something or like she was pregnant.
But I know that he one had a wife. Remember
about she talked about I think they argued, yes, yes.
When she said that, I was like, oh, Lord, you
talking about guilt at grief. Lord had mercy and and
(06:42):
that's another thing with my grief. I have a lot
of guilt because me and my my husband was off
and on, you know what I'm saying, and the time
that he got murdered, we were trying to figure things
out kind of you know what I'm saying, and you
go through all of that, you know, But I back
to what I was saying about. I thought that um
(07:02):
Mayor Adams was going to I was like, oh, this shit.
The city is in a moment for a route awake.
And then I killed two because remember it was they
was responded to a domestic between the son and the mother,
remember actually, and he had one of those I think
it was a ghost gun like something when he went
(07:25):
in the back and flattered these officers and I was like,
oh my god, Oh they're gonna get this together, and
it felt like it was it was, and then it was.
It feels like the rats is more important than the
guns right now, you know what I'm saying, which they
are big problem in New York City. But I'm just
saying it felt like it was a highlight on it.
(07:48):
I know. For the what he did do was that
he made um in the courts, like the different courts
he has the hearings, like for gun cases he expedited.
He expedited them. Now. But that's as certainly mean that's
(08:10):
a good thing. You understand. Expediting means to me is
that we need to show this society that we're doing
something about this. That doesn't always get it right. That
just means that they're trying to get it done fast
to get people we were able to put behind you.
That means that they're putting more pressures. So that means
(08:32):
that some of our brown and black people and I'm
not just gonna say men, because women use fire arms,
illegal firearms, to that black and brown people might be
forced to take deals that they might not normally take.
They don't have enough time to think about it. Just
a lot of stuff, you know what I mean. So, um,
(08:55):
I just think they don't know how to get a
handle on it. They just do not know which which
I mean even being going through what I'm going through. Yeah,
that's a hard task, right, I mean, like how do
we stop people if we took away stopping fris What
do we do right? It's definitely a large part. It's
(09:17):
a really big problem. That was the topic that was
a big top of a discussion. How it was coming
in from south and how do they stop it from
You know what I'm saying, a cross, it's it's a whole.
I don't have the answer. I just know that it
needs to be on the top of the agenda, you
(09:40):
know what I mean, like how to figure it out?
We gotta try some things. We gotta they gotta come
out of the meetings and come into the doing. A
lot of people who make laws and make decisions and
have discussions that don't deal with the situations. They don't
live in the areas. They've never been by. So we
(10:03):
need to. I don't know. I don't know we need
I don't know community groups. I don't know the answer,
but I know that we can't bury this. We can't
have children and everything that are affected. Do you feel
like the gun industry should be held more accountable? Um I,
(10:26):
it's such a It's that hard thing for me because UM,
I don't in a way I think that the state
laws should be those like I said, um more training
harder to get you qualify after going through all of
(10:50):
these things that need to be in place. I think
that we have a right to bear arms. And I'm
not trying to sound or political, but I think that
you do have a right to arms. I think that
you have a right to protect yourself. But I think
that who is able to um acquire a firearm needs
(11:15):
to be looked at more with a fine tooth comb.
I think that's where I think that's where it's um
we're losing in translation, Like um, in Delaware, I know
somebody that got their gun in like fifteen minutes. Oh yeah,
never never held a firearm, didn't really know about a firearm.
(11:39):
Um husband was law enforcement retired, and he felt like
because he you know, knows all or whatever about guns,
and this is that a third about protecting himself? He
was it was came from a good place. But I
just feel like she needed more, you know, like just
(12:01):
don't have a record qualified her to get a firearm.
She could have been getting it for her son or
you know what I'm saying, or not educated about how
to lock it up and to it. So I think
that's where we need to start. I think the states
need to have stiffer laws and things put in place
(12:23):
to make it harder to get legal guns, right, and
then what do we do about the illegal guns? Because
they're out there, you know what I mean, And that
a lot of illegal guns. I was watching this documentary
and I was like, Wow, yeah, ghost gars are crazy.
(12:45):
Ray said in twenty twenty one in New York City
that they were able to recover I believe the number
was a little bit over seven thousand. Wow, illegal firearms.
Seven thousand. That's crazy, right, oh, d Like, I couldn't
(13:08):
believe it. I had to look at it. It was
like seventy three hundred or something like that. I was like, what,
it's ridiculous. It's scary. It's scary, especially and the men
in the culture that we have as far as mental health,
you know what I'm saying, and not being a dress
and um, like I said, a lot of bell reforms
(13:30):
and just the looseness I feel of some of the
things that go on in the world. Then we got
seven thousand guns out there, Like what do you do?
Block yourself up and go in a bubble? Yeah. I
was thinking the other day, this is so crazy. I
was thinking the other day, you know, being quarantined, wasn't
(13:54):
that bad? Like it stopped a lot of shit out here,
like we was you know, he wasn't hearing about a
whole bunch of crimes going on. People was trying to live, right,
they had going on. They was trying to live. And
I would never want the sickness and as many people,
God bless them that Lord State lives. But just a
(14:15):
quarantine part I was like, because I'm afraid of rid
the tray, Yeah, the trains is different. I think this, uh,
this pandemic, it really broke a lot of people mentally
thought something switch like it's crazy. It's like, it's like
(14:37):
nice of the living Dad, I don't know, it's I'm
I'm afraid to even I'm very comfortable in my um
like my little circumference or whatever the case may be.
But even then, I used to be like in my neighborhood,
I live across the street from a park, so I
used to joke and say, we always have one homeless
(15:00):
person at a time. I don't know if they have
a meeting, but right here in my little area, we
never have multiple homeless people. You'll see the one for
an extended amount of time, and when that one leaves,
another one would come and I And it may sound crazy,
but that type of system gives you a little bit
of comfort with that person. For me, I might be
(15:23):
a little bit crazy, but that person for me to
see them continuous. I'm the one that's like they'll be
talking and I'll be like, hey you good or something.
You know. I'll come into store they acting up in
the store. I feel like, come on, now, we don't
do that. Whatever case, maybe I'm afraid for that now,
like because just the mental health in this world is
(15:45):
so off kilter, like so off kilter, it's like, what
do you do? What do you do? I'm afraid to
go out. We went to the movies last night and
for a quick minute, I was like they dad could
shoot this movie data up? Like what no? Lie. I
was getting my nails done yesterday and I live in
(16:09):
Jersey now and this nigga came into the Neil salon
and he was bugged out talking about like he'll shoot
this place of this net And a woman kept doing
my nails. So the lady who was talking to she
was like, can you please go? I'm gonna call the police.
And he was like and I'm like miss, how can
you keep doing my nails? Like and this little mair
like I'm trying to look at to see what the
nearest exodus at, Like I don't play no games with
(16:32):
these niggas. No, and you can't. And you know what, Okay,
So I'm the type I used to be the type
of person that data happened. And if I was sitting
in no place and he could not be talking to me,
I'd be like, come on now, and nobody got time
for all that. Nobody today that I worked at, right,
I was a little bit okay with like mental health.
(16:52):
I worked with um what we call and most mental
mentally observation and detainees that big area in the specific
jels I worked in, so you know, the sudden ticks
and the sudden yellow that usually didn't bother me. But
this is different, yeah, in the air for the last
couple of years, this different. I don't know what it is.
(17:17):
I don't know if it's the legalization of marijuana. But
everybody ain't getting it from the dispensaries that you know
what I'm saying me, I don't know, but out here
it's crazy. And so I think that all of it
goes hand in hand. I think that we need to
have them too. Observation parts. When we're talking about people
(17:40):
acquiring firearms, right, you need to understand the effects of
a firearm. You need to understand how to break it down,
what to do if this happens, how to secure it properly.
Like nobody is not taking all of those steps, and
they still get in shotguns and yeah, yeah, they have
(18:03):
to figure that it comes from higher up. But the
thing about the higher up, like I said, I'm most
people who really don't understand it on the left this
level that we needed on the US little people down here.
So it's like has to be a mix and a
matching of people, right. We need some critical thinkers, right,
but we need some realistic people. And I don't know,
(18:27):
we got to start some conversations and then we got
to start some actual doings. Something has to happen, and
we fortunately evident we may not see a significant change
in our lifetime. But like the work of like the
Tamika Day, Malaby's the Until Freedoms, all of those people
that stand out and do those things there they are
(18:50):
We're living in history, right. They are the Malcolm Xin
and the Martin Luther Kings of our time, people like
me that before I'm affected personally, right, I have to
join to make the twenty and the five hundred and
the five thousands. That's the only way that we need
to make that we're going to make a difference. And
(19:11):
I don't I don't believe. And this may be an
unpopular opinion. I think it's more than marching and holding
up signs, not to say that that's not effective, but
I falk about really making serious change that we need
to become be in the rooms, right, oh yeah, changes.
(19:31):
And so we need to start raising our children to say, yeah,
you know what basketball ah thing I could tell you're
not coordinated, thankful enough, but you smart as hell. And
you because our children are smart, they paying attention. They
(19:55):
are living in unprecedented times where they have to pay attention.
It's things changing in this world. When we're talking about
gender roles, when we're talking about things like gun violence,
and we're talking about just the changes of the world.
They're smart. And so we have to groom our brown
children to become a part of the conversations in those
(20:18):
rooms without losing touch the reasons why they're in those rooms.
Do you understand, which is as when you start moving
in that direction, it's very hard to maintain right this
part of your life and still understand that you need
to be effective and way to make the changes. If
(20:42):
that makes sense, right, You got to marry two words
I've raised my children to say. I always say to
set my children listen. I don't expect nothing less but
great grades. And you got to know the book. And
don't let people tell you that you don't need your education,
because you dude. People will tell you you're you're not
going to use the math. That don't matter. You're still
should know it. And then of that, but make sure
(21:04):
you know these streets that your eyes watch. Make sure
that if he keep moving closer to you, that you
understand that this may be a potential threat and that
you on it right. You gotta have all of that.
You gotta be able like my daughter. You gotta be
able to wear your red bottoms and your timberlands, right.
You gotta be able to put on a ball gown
in your hoodie. But we need those type of mind
(21:26):
states to be in those rooms that remember right that
the communities that they're doing this for. And I think
that some people respectfully. As they move into that, they
forget right, they get changed, whatever it is they let them. Why. Yeah,
(21:47):
And that's why I think that. And I keep mentioning
her name. I don't know why, but I think that's
why I take to to meet Cudy Malory so much,
because she I feel like she sat in some some
you know, in situations, and she's very much a part
of but I don't ever see her lose her. I
(22:08):
met her by chance. She came out of out of
like some place on one hundred and twenty fifth Street,
and I was mouth open, like, right, this is she's regular, right, yeah,
her hair down or makeup on, just really like a
roundaway girl whatever. But I know her work. And my son,
my youngest son, was with me, and he was like,
(22:29):
what's up. And this was before my husband got killed,
so he's like, what's up? And I'm like, this lady.
I wanted to give him the short of it because
I wanted to meet her, right, So she was like
kind of sucking her phone. I was like, this lady
fights for us, like she fights for black people and
the George Floyd and black Lives matter whatever. And I
(22:50):
went up to her and it was something about her
spirit that what you see is who she is, Like
you could tell you know what I'm saying. We need
her a thousand times over and in these rooms talking
about But it has to be a change. But it
has to start. It has to start. We cannot have
(23:12):
continue to have forty ye old man father five, or
his lunch break getting gunned down in the middle of
a mall in Queens um by somebody who has an
illegal guns right to be the story. You know they
haven't caught the person, right, No, they know who he is. Um,
(23:38):
they're looking for him. You know, you know how cowards
do they? He's on the run. I was like, why
he wasn't Why didn't just stay around as brazy as
you are? I mean, you might as well might as
well just sat there a little cigarette and leaned doing
your car because you you act like you ain't care.
But no, his coward ass is on the run that
(24:00):
they're gonna get up. Do you do you feel like
law enforcement is doing everything they can. I do? I do?
And that's another experience to have, right because you don't
know what happens after we see the story on the
news and somebody get killed. You don't know what the
family has to go through. So I have been that
person that caused the detective right, that's like, well, I
(24:23):
know it's gonna be harder because it's after what what
what we watch on TV? They after forty Yeah, was
it's harder and all this other stuff. But they they
have done what they can, you know, like they put
everything in place to be able to find him when
it's time it's gonna happen. You cannot. You cannot just
(24:45):
my belief. You cannot play God or think you playing
God and God don't take care of you. That's just
it's just my God don't work like that. Even if
I know, and then whole lifetime he could think that.
You know, but God, it's going God is in control.
(25:07):
At this point, has this affected your relationship with God?
Like they didn't. It didn't make you question it. WHOA
how long is this hour because we might need to
Oh girl, oh I just got chills. So from you
following me, you know, I am turned up to five
(25:30):
o'clock in the morning, worshiping at nine o'clock. You do
being church people be like, way, ain't no way. He
was just on that video she'd be in the club y'all.
But she being Sunday, I'm gonna pop them and I'm
gonna go to every spot, but I'm gonna go to church.
And I'm saying I have only been a church one
(25:54):
time since my um husband was murdered. I have never
ever And I think I told you before evidence I
think you could do a whole podcast year of Barbie
because I got some stories. Girl, what topic you guy?
(26:15):
I probably got a story from it. I'd have been
through some things, and my little my little life been
through some things, and I've always leaned on my faith
like this is for a reason, even when I cried
about it, even when I confused, I can't figure this
one out. It's the first time that I've ever question
(26:38):
God like like seriously, I'm this this this kill I
have you. I literally have been in this house and
been like yelling out when my son is at school. Obviously,
I've literally been like why, God tell me like now
and if it's a lesson in it, I need to
see it now. Who the fuck am I? But I'm like,
(27:02):
I need to see it now, like ain't no, Eventually
I'm gonna know. I need to know now, like why.
It's like when I tell you. And it's so crazy
because my past up and his wife, our first lady,
actually met me at my house when I came from
the cruise and was here to help me tell my son.
(27:24):
And the very next time after that that I've seen
him was New Year's Eve and my son and I
went in his office and he said to me, and
I ain't gonna hold you. I don't question when it
comes to God. I don't question a lot of stuff.
But when he said it to me, I was like,
(27:47):
he's just looking for some shit to say. I swear
and I've never been like that. But he was like,
I don't know what I saw you walk there and
he was like the message I have for you is
go through it, but remain faithful. Don't don't let your
faith slide. And I was like yeah, And I didn't
(28:08):
get it then, but slowly. I've never been in my
I've been in church since I was three years old.
I ain't had much gaps where I wasn't like I
can't even think of a time when I like literally
didn't go for like months or whatever case may be.
I'm so comfortable not going to church right now. I
(28:30):
don't have not even prayed for myself. I have not
even prayed for it. I don't have the words because
I don't know what to say because, first of all,
every day is not real to me. Second of all,
what the Bible says is that your life, the destiny,
has already been planned and ordained by God. This couldn't
have been your plan God, like you telling me that
(28:52):
I was with somebody for seventeen years. I got a
thirteen year old son, and the plan was to take him.
Like what, Like, I just don't I don't get it,
but my faith is enough that I won't turn my
back completely. I'm afraid too, because I know God is
(29:13):
what governs my life. So I'm talking to him like
why no, no that. Later on then I'm crying because
I'm like, please God, dude, I'm sorry. Riya didn't mean it,
but I'm hurting or whatever case may be. So for me,
that's one of the biggest things. Like you know what
I mean, Like grief has me in a choke, bold girl.
(29:35):
I can't figure that shit out most days, and even
with my faith, which is everybody is like hmm, like
they can't believe it, right because I've been faithful evidence
you're understand. I ain't perfect, but one thing I have
been is faithful. You understand, like I do my kids.
(29:58):
You know my son's singing a quiet Yeah. My daughter
she when she hears, she do like us for real, God,
like what is the plan? And not to even be
like that because this might sound a little crazy, but
I have three children. I have three each one of
them have different fathers. My two oldest children, My oldest son,
(30:19):
his father is h you know what I'm saying, like
he's been there. My daughter her father, and out of all,
my husband is the only father that she knows. My
husband was a part of his son's life, like the
one that's active. You understand I'm saying, you gotta do
like work. It just don't make sense to me, and
(30:40):
so it makes you angry and then it makes you
feel like and then it ain't. I use the party
and the stuff excuse or I'm tired. But like I said,
I used to do that. Another reason why I haven't
going to church, and church doesn't have anything to do
with faith. I don't have to go to church, It's
what I'm saying. But for me, it's a big deal.
I don't. It's because people come from a loving place,
(31:05):
but they don't understand that. Sometimes I just need a minute,
see what I'm saying. My son is thirteen, he's trying
to figure this out. He's trying to process. So the
one time that we did go to church, it was
very overwhelming, very very old. And sometimes you don't want
to hear it like you just you just give me
love physically, but I don't want to hear it hear
(31:26):
it verbally because that could be a lie. You need
whatever and it comes. Let me tell you something now,
my church family has been an anchor. You understand. It
was so many of them at the services that it
probably took the first thing that took me aback before
I realized, like I'm really at a funeral for this nigga.
(31:47):
You know what I'm saying. But when I walked in
my church family, like the way they rose, like you know,
it's like it's very touching. But I don't know everything.
I'm changed, and I don't. I don't for some people
that may not know me all the way. You know
your people that's listening, that means nothing to me but
(32:10):
to them. But I'm so changed everything like and I'm
not I'm not changed. Like I don't don't say I mean,
I'm not that. I'm just I'm not the same. I'm
not is this is the biggest thing that has happened
to me in my life thus far. And don't get
(32:31):
me wrong, I know it could be much worse, but
this is bad. And I lost my father. It's a
different type of love. When I was fifteen years old
when I lost my father, Okay, he just he passed away,
passed away, but it was sudden, and it was he
was very much prevalent in my life and I thought
that was But it's a different type of love. You
(32:52):
know what I'm saying. As my dad, this is my husband,
I'm a grown woman. I'm definitely changed, like just the way.
I don't know how to explain it, but definitely my relationship,
my relationship with God hasn't changed. My faith is a
little bit rocky. If that means have you seen the
(33:12):
change your kids? Yes, my son that it was his father.
I just had to have a conversation with him. So
he goes to grief counseling. He started in which he
likes in God. You know, he don't like it, but
we found somebody that you know, what I'm saying. That's
(33:34):
good to him, So that's good. But he how was
He's thirteen. So we've had conversations, especially early on when
it first happened, and I was like okay, okay, okay, okay,
and he was like, yeah, my, like I'm sad, but
I don't feel like I want to cry. And I
(33:54):
was like, that's fine, you don't have to cry, you
know what I'm saying. Like then I noticed I just
had a conversation with him last week because he has
been very snappy, like angry and snappy and and just
will like not even like disrespectful, just like I gotta
be tough and I gotta be strong, you know what
(34:15):
I'm saying. And I had to have a conversation with him,
and I was like, you don't have to be sad,
but you also don't have to you you did not
step into your father's shoes. You understand. I'm still very
much your mother and I still got you. I could
never be him, but I understand that you lost your dad.
(34:35):
You understand I'm saying so like, and I'm one of
the toughest the mother, you don't gotta be tough. I
just need you to be thirteen, and I need you
to be okay being thirteen and being okay you know
what I mean, like regular thirteen. Shiit, you just happen
to be at thirteen year old that happened to have
a father that I was murdered. But we're not gonna
make that your life. You understand, you don't have to
(34:58):
adopt that and be hard or whatever. And we kind
of cried it out, and it just was last week,
but I think it made a little bit of a difference.
It kind of let her feel like, oh, Okay, yeah,
I don't have to You don't have to have the
responsibility of anything. You know nothing, all right, child, Yeah,
(35:20):
you're a child, and it's okay for you to be
a child. It's okay for you to hurt. It's okay
for you to be confused. It's okay for your your
attitude to be different towards it today than it is yesterday.
But you don't got to be tough and hard whatever.
So I've seen that my other children, all of my
children are total opposite of me. Right, So I'm just
(35:42):
standing on the couch and the kind of standing in
the corner for the most part. So they introvert, so
I won't ever know which is bad. Is the reason
why I got him to greet counselor because they hold
a lot of stuff. I always say my kids are
obedient kids. They're good kids, and they obedient, But this
(36:03):
is one of the times where I want them to
talk a little bit more, you know what I'm saying,
and not obedient, Like I'm my kids and I like,
sit down or whatever case they be. They just are
like they're just cool kids. I'm saying. Kids, I don't
get a lot of backlashes, like get dressed with goll
to church. They get dressed with all the church. I don't.
I don't I know kids. My kids are thirteen, twenty
and twenty eight. I know people that got kids that's
(36:26):
younger than that and be like, I don't want to
go my kids, don't do that. But let them know
that they have a voice. But I just don't think
they know what they're supposed to be feeling and what
this feels like. It is new for all of us,
you know what I mean, And so and I'm really
really messed up. So I think that they feel like
(36:47):
they have to keep it together a little bit because
I'm real bad and I try to. I try to
not have those type of breakdowns and stuff when they
are around, but I'm not always so good at it.
So yeah, we're just working together. My daughter is very
(37:07):
good at connecting because she goes, you know a way
to college, so she's very good at connected with me
and with her brother and stuff like that. So we
just working through it, right, And nobody can't tell you.
There's no manuscript for that, you know what I'm saying.
(37:28):
And last and not least, if you could say one
last thing to your husband, what would it be? Oh, back,
that's a good one. Um, I don't know. It's like
(37:54):
ten different things just went through my head. I wanted
to say, tell him I love him, but I know
he knew that, you know what I'm saying, so I
wouldn't want to waste it or something that I know
he knew. I want to say I got this, but
I know he know I got it as much as
I to the to the death for me, I got
these kids. Um, I don't know. I'm sorry this happened
(38:19):
to him. I don't know. He didn't deserve this because
everything else. I feel like I'm a great communicator and
he knew and he felt each other, like I knew
he loved me, you know what I'm saying. So I
don't know, but that's a good one. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know, and I don't want
(38:41):
to take the easy route. I don't want to say
I love you because, like I said, I know he
knew that, but um yeah, probably that. It's so funny
because he did. He did get shot and died right
at the scene. But I wondered when he sattled for
you know, if he had a minute too. They said
(39:03):
he went to go say something. That's when the blood
came out of out Like what was his sport? You
know what I'm saying. What was he thinking about? Do
you only have time to say, oh shit? Or please God?
You know what I'm saying, Because he had a relationship
with God. You know, my my experiment used to wake
up and whisper. This is something I never told anybody.
(39:30):
He used to wake up and whisper. And he doesn't
know until right now he's listening that I knew it.
And he used to always whisper and say thank you
God for waking me up. He's allowed me to have
a good thing please allowed me to be safe to
make it back home to my family. Every single morning.
He used us for that every single morning, And that
(39:53):
in and of itself is a relationship with God, you
know what I mean, Like just that you can get
to the first thing when you opened your odd So
I wonder if he had a minute to say anything
or what was his thought but to him, I don't know.
I just I just love him so much. I mean,
like he is my soul mate. You know people say
(40:18):
that all the time, but he was. He was, He
was my soul mate. I know he is exactly what
God intended for me, even if it was just for
this amount of time, the short time, you know, if
it was for that, I know that God wanted me
to experience. I love like that, you know what I mean.
(40:38):
I know he did. I know he did. So I
don't know, Well, I appreciate you for coming on and
sharing your story than heaven smiling. This is a beautiful conversation.
I know he is. I know he's like, oh that
girl always, I'll be like you doing you. I'm gonna
(41:02):
stay all your mom forever one way up like right, yeah, yeah,
we had that type of crazy, crazy love. We had hm. Well,
I appreciate you to the listeners. If I have any questions,
comments or concerns, please make sure to email me a
hello at the PhD podcast dot com. And thank you
(41:22):
so much to my guests. We would definitely want to
follow a real song. Again, thank you so much. You
don't even notice. Is this was like therapy, a little
bit for me to be able to talk and remind
myself to keep it together because people don't want to
hear no snot and blubbering. They wanted that information and
so I was able to talk about it in a
(41:45):
way that haven't been able to in these last two muths.
So I thank you, thank you for even thinking about me,
and thank you for the platform. Like I said before,
um let's figure this out people whoever's listening, Let's let's
come together and a type the way. Don't be a mean?
Is that a good thing to say? Don't be a mean?
May not be that could be a you. I think
(42:06):
that we should just be We all have to be
more proactive. Yeah, like you may not be roll to pars,
but let's stand. Let's stand behind the people that do
step up, and let's different in this world. I don't
want to sound corny, but let's let's let's make a difference.
Let's try to live a little bit. Yeah, and let's
(42:30):
make people accountable for illegal guns and illegal behavior and
all of that other stuff. Let's work to that. That's
my massa. You know what's so funny. I had a
conversation with Eric's Garner's daughter, one of his daughters, and
she said the same thing, how you'll be surprised how
just standing with somebody and being supportive can really change
(42:52):
their day. So I agree. I think that we all
should be way more proactive when it's his our communities.
That's the message. Let's be pro people. Let's let's change
the world. We already live in history, m in the
in the times where people are going to definitely read
about more profound than other times in this history of
(43:16):
this world. Let's make it. Let's make it a good one.
Let's difference. Thank you having it? Are you welcome? And
until next time, everyone, later you're gonna say bye bye.
I thought you hi. Thank you for listening.
Host
Eboné Almon
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