Lessons Learned: It’s been a heck of a year, y'all

Episode Transcript
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Stasha Boyd (00:01):
Hi there, I'm Stasha.

Cheryl Stuller (00:03):
I'm Cheryl.

And between us,

we have four kids,

three businesses,

two husbands, and one goal:

to get to The Point of the Matter. And that idea of
continued learning has alwaysbeen important to me. I've
always been curious. And I thinkthat that's probably one of the
best things that our podcast hasdone for me, is that it just
takes my curiosity in a newperspective, because you're
giving me a differentperspective. And I think that's
fantastic. You know, becausesometimes it's like, I just

(00:32):
didn't think of it that waybefore.

Now that my children are not, they're all
adults, and I'm learning to letthem make their own decisions
and not always give my opinion.
Even though I can, I can say,what your ass is doin', is not a
good idea.

And I'm gonna write down the consequences. And I'm
gonna open this envelope in likea year. Hello, Cheryl.

Hey Stasha. How are you?

I'm good. I'm good.
And did I see on our notes thatthis is like, we've made it to
our 30th episode?

Made it to our 30th.

Oh, oh, my god.

I can't believe it.

Yeah, I can't, I can't either. That's, that's,
that's crazy. So anyway, I can,I will just stick with that. So,
um, how was your week? What'dyou do this week?

Well, this week was Thanksgiving. So just got
together with the kids, very lowkey. My mom has been in the
hospital. So we are workingaround that hoping to get that
situation better. How about you?

Well, same thing it was Thanksgiving. And we hosted
Thanksgiving at our house thisyear. So it was a small group.
It was um, me and mom and dad,my brother and his wife and
their two boys who are 19 and21. Yeah, yeah. 19 to 21 or 20
and 21. Or somewhere in there.
So it was nice. We had alreadycome over and it's probably
about an hour drive for thoseguys to get here from both of

(02:13):
their houses. They don't live,they all, it's kind of like a
triangle shape, right? So, but Ialways, I love to have people
here because I always feel likeif I have it here I can kind of,
you know, control the vibe. It'sStasha's rules. And but no, I
think we had a great time. Ithink I had a good time. I hope
everybody else did too.

Good. That's awesome to hear.

Yeah. And going back to our cooking episode, I
did the turkey and the dressing.
And then after that, I boiledthe carcass down and I made a
big old pot of turkey soup withkale and tortellini. And then we
had even more turkey leftovers.
So once we got all of the meatoff of the bones. Last night, I
made a big pan of TurkeyTetrazzini. I love to cook. I

(02:58):
love to cook. We've had thisconversation, Cheryl.

And I do not like to cook. So we went to the
country club for Thanksgiving.
And it's the first year I'vedone that, just so nobody gets
all hyped up. I usually cookThanksgiving but this year, I
said, No I'm going to dosomething different. So that was
nice.

You get to run your Thanksgiving any way you want to
baby, you don't, nobody's hereto judge. Who's judging?

Well, there was a lot of people there. So a lot
of people I guess feel the way Ido about that.

There are a lot of people at Cracker Barrel. I
mean, there's a lot of peoplewho don't like to cook on
Thanksgiving.

Okay, well, good to know.

Perfectly acceptable, perfectly
acceptable. Well, so we'retalking about today's topic,
everyone. For those of y'all whoprobably saw the thing. But
it's, the title is LessonsLearned. Because you and I
started this a year ago, thisone is going to go live in
probably mid or mid to earlyDecember. And we thought it'd be
a really good time to kind oflook back on the year and talk

(04:00):
about you know, what have welearned from this lark? So do
you want to like, for anybodywho's missed it, you want to
give people the kind of quickrecap on our origin story, how
we started The Point of theMatter?

Well, you and I had kind of gotten back into
calling each other regularly.
And, you know, we talked about,you know, it might be
interesting, with all thepodcasts out there, to talk
about. Because we're so open andhonest with each other. I
thought it was maybe a good ideato talk about what that looks

(04:33):
like for other women our age,just having real talk about real
issues that you weren't afraidto sugarcoat or not fully
address. And that's kind of howit all started. And we kind of
have a unique perspective basedon where we grew up and where we
are now. So I hope that it'sbeen beneficial to people.

I think so I think feedback that we've gotten has
been very been very positive,incredibly positive. And and I
think one of the reasons whywhen you first called and said
something about it, and we weretalking about why, you know, we
got together and we talkedabout, okay, well, what do we
what, why us? Why should we dothis? And in addition to the
fact that I think that you and Ikind of have this very frank

(05:20):
manner of speaking, both of ourspouses and our kids, and our
friends all say that same thingthat it's like, you know, yeah,
there's there is no filter, nofilter. And when you and I get
together, we have a tendency, Ithink, to be fairly funny. I
find us funny, other peoplemight not, but I think we're
funny. But I also think thatwhat adds to that uniqueness is

(05:41):
that if people look back at us,as we were coming out of high
school, part of that uniquenessis that we were the two people
based upon what we had, at thatpoint we're choosing to do would
be the people voted most likelyto not succeed. It was like I
was off to join the theater, andyou were off to get married. And
it was sort of like at 18. Youand I both I mean, you had been,

(06:03):
you had turned 18 in April,right. And I had turned 18 in
December. And by January, bothyou and I, we were well out of
the house. And I think that is athat's one of the things that
does make us a little unique anddifferent. Because of that, that
one thing, if nothing else, madeboth of us so intrepid, you

(06:28):
know, we just go out and get itdone. You know, we got things to
do. Let's go, I want to do this.
Let's do it. So that's kind ofthe thing that I think makes us,
made us worthy of puttingtogether this podcast and
chatting.

I agree. It's so weird to talk about, even
reflect on how you grew up andhow you grew up with your
perspective and how we grew upwith with yours. You know,
hearing about the fight story. Ilearned things about that in my
55th year that I didn't knowfrom then, because I guess we

(07:05):
never really had an in depthconversation about it like we
did for the podcast. So it wasreally good to hear, you know,
how did your life impactsomebody else? Because you only
know your perspective and whatother people tell you. So I
think it's really important tohave those conversations and
revisit things that you may notthat may be unresolved.

Which actually kind of brings us to our question,
our normal standard openingquestions is, you know, why is
this topic, our lessons learnedtopic, do we think it's
important to our listeners? Andwhy is it important to us
personally, and I think it'simportant to us personally,
because women are 50, I mean toto women in our demographic,
because it is important to stopevery once in a while and say,

(07:50):
Okay, well, what have I learned?
What have I learned this pastyear? What did I learn, you
know, over the past five or 10,what I learned from doing this
job, or from being friends withthat person, or breaking up with
that person, you know, that ideathat you get to a point where
you're no longer learning meansthat you're also no longer
improving, you're no longerbuilding something, you're no
longer moving yourself forward.

(08:13):
Because you want something,either you're in a rut, or
you're resting on your laurels,or you're in or you're just
you're trapped in something. AndI think that that's why us
looking back on just this pastyear, and not just you know, the
podcast, but also you know,COVID and our friendship and you
know, our lives, our businesses,our spouses, I mean, there's so

(08:33):
much if you just take a secondstop and think about it. And so
for me, one of the things thatthis podcast has done for me is
weekly, you and I have had somegreat discussions on on things
that matter. They matter to us.
That's why we came up with thetopics, you know, and then we
hope they matter to ourlisteners. And I think our, I
think our listeners have let usknow that it's like yeah, man,

(08:54):
they heard us they heardsomething and and they would get
something of value out of it bigor small. Or they would find
something funny, or we'd givethem something to talk about go
Yeah, I don't think so, Stashaor man, I can see how you and
Cheryl could disagree on this,you know, but it just kind of
keeps your mind flexible. Whatdo you think? Why do you think
it's important to the listener?
And why is it important to you?

Well, one of the, well two things that I
learned. I learned a lot about,in hearing how you deal with
people. You know, you getcomplacent in your life. When
you're when you're in your ownlittle bubble, you get
complacent. So for us to havethese in depth conversations, I
learned a little bit about howto deal with people again. You

(09:35):
know, my guardian ad litem workyou have to deal with people
this one way. Your business lifeyou have to deal with people
this way. Your children, youdeal with them this way. So it's
good to have that otherperspective. When I was talking
to my mom, about her health andwhat needed to happen coming up.
I really thought about thethings that you have taught me

(09:58):
about how to not jump into thatemotional carousel that you get
on. Not make it emotional, andreally get down to these. Just
the facts, ma'am. You know,let's deal with just the facts
right now, you can deal with theemotional shit of that later

(10:19):
because it is your mom thatyou're talking about my mom. And
then that whole dynamic with mybrother. So I really learned a
lot from you. Just in that,well, maybe it could be this
way. Or maybe they're thinkingthis way. And so, I really
thought about that. I reallythought about what what words am
I saying that my mom is going tohear, that I want her to hear

(10:44):
the best thing for her to dogoing forward. Based on what the
doctor said not what my opinionis, or anything but based on
what the doctor said. How can Iget her to that space where she
feels good about that? That'sone thing you've really helped
me with. And I think the podcasthas broadened my knowledge about

(11:06):
mental health issues aboutrelational issues. I didn't know
what negging and bread crumbingwas until we researched that.
And I thought that was reallycool to be able to really have a
background on on what people sayto you and how you process that.

(11:28):
Kind of ties in with thosethings that we we learned in
doing the podcast.

Yeah. And I think that's one things too, that, you
know, the the work with theguardian ad litem, and for that
with you with domestic violence.
It's like it really brings asuper strong and focused
perspective to a lot of things.
Because it's like, okay, I cantalk about, you know, here's
what I think about things. Butyou can talk about, here's what
I've observed. And here's what Iknow. And here's what happens in

(11:54):
the court, here's what I've seenhappen over and over and over
when things are not addressed,or they're left to, to, or
they're left to be, to the worstof our peoples personal
instincts. I think thatperspective of being able to
say, you know, look, this is,this is not playing. Things go
bad, fast. And for you and I,like the whole thing with like

(12:16):
the bread crumbing and thenegging and everything. So many
of our friends or girlfriendsare either single now, suddenly
single in the 50s, or theybecame single in their their 30s
or 40s. And they're still singlenow, and now they're trying to
navigate this new dating world.
And I want to be a good friend,I want to be the person who can
say something, you know, usefuland helpful and not sound like
an idiot. And that means that Ido have to learn, I have to

(12:38):
learn what my friends are goingthrough whether I'm going
through it or not. And that ideaof continued learning has always
been important to me. I'vealways been curious. And I think
that that's probably one of thebest things that that our
podcast has done for me is thatit just takes my curiosity in a
new perspective, because you'regiving me a different

(13:00):
perspective. And I think that'sfantastic. Because sometimes I
just didn't think of it that waybefore.

Well, exactly.
That's kind of what I learnedfrom you. And I and I get that
from Suzanne as well. I get thatother, and I will tell her you
need to, this is the way I'mthinking about this. You need to
tell me if I'm crazy or if I'mspot on or or if I need to think
of it from a differentperspective. And I so appreciate
that information. I am humbleenough that when you tell me

(13:29):
that, show me that, help melearn that, I will take that in
and that helps me movingforward.

Yeah. Well, and that's kind of like when we
think about what sparked all ofthis, it really came around
because of COVID. I mean, let'slet's face it, you know, 2020
was just such a shit show of youknow what the hell's going on?
All these things about lockdownsand staying home. And, you know,
it wasn't until the end of theyear really, when they first
started making the announcementsabout the vaccines. That it was

(13:58):
like, okay, life can kind ofcome back to normal. But Mike
and I, you know, we have beenmoving forward with our business
for 18 years. At that point,almost 19. And, you know, we had
a plan, we had a plan. And theplan was like, you know, we're
gonna keep it going for anotherfive years, we really knew how
to do what we do. Or what wedid. We had started though, in

(14:20):
our early in our mid 30s. So wewere we were younger. But it was
also before the internet really.
It was before all this onlinestuff and online marketing and
social media and all that kindof stuff. We had learned some
new things, obviously, becauseyou have to grow with technology
as things move forward, but wedid not grow our understanding
of how business operated in thisnew world. How online business,

(14:44):
how online marketing works, howcreating creating these
different things happen. So whenyou said the thing about like
what do you think about thepodcast, I'm like, hell yeah. I
would love to learn how to do apodcast. Again, recording it,
that's, that's easy for us. Imean, we're a production
company. Easy peasy. But Ididn't know anything about

(15:05):
marketing. I knew even less thanthat about social media. Um, I
still know nothing aboutmonetization. So I'll still have
that on my list of things that Ineed to check off. But, but I
have learned, you know, and it'sbeen slow. And we've made a lot
of mistakes, you know, I've madea lot of mistakes. But we

(15:26):
continue to move forward, wecontinue to learn something and
try and move it forward. So Ithink that, for me, has made
everything itself worthwhile.
Because it's like, you know, atthe end of the day, not only do
I think that we producesomething really good and fun,
and I've certainly enjoyed doingit. But I have learned so much.

(15:47):
And it has sparked me to want tolearn more. I was gonna do one
shout out here to my my guy, butdid you want to talk anything
about that about like, just theprocess, the production process
that you and I put together?

Well, you have definitely, and this is kind of
where you excel and where I fallshort. Butt in seat kind of
learning for me is harder. I'mmore, show me something. I'm
very visual and very actionoriented. So for me to sit in
front of a computer and learnstuff. I'm not good at that. So

(16:21):
you have definitely done betterwith that. And I know that's
been challenging for you. And Iappreciate you sticking with me
on that. Um, but you're right,it is important to learn. I just
have a harder time sitting stillto be able to do that. It's not
my particular gift. So I'm stillworking on that.

Right. Well, I also think that part of the challenge
of it is that there really is alot to learn. And it's all the
stuff you know, I mean, I havemy little cell phone, right, and
I do all the things on it. But Ididn't know how social media
worked. I didn't know how peoplefound podcasts. I didn't know,
you know what these algorithmsdid. I never had to look into

(17:04):
any of that. And now that I haveand I'm learning, I did find and
it's thanks to a very goodfriend of mine, a friend of
ours, who recommended agentleman by the name of Steve
Dotto, and I'm gonna put a shoutout to this guy. It's DottoTech
is the name of his company.
There'll be a link in our shownotes. But what this guy does,
he's Canadian. So he's supernice. But what he does, and he's
been doing this for the last sixyears, is he teaches people our

(17:28):
age. Gen Xers and baby boomers,so our age and older, about
technology and runningbusinesses in this this new
environment. That's all he does.
And he has has an onlinepresence. He's got a YouTube
channel where he has all sortsof free things you can learn,
you know, you can go rightthere. He does online courses

(17:50):
that you pay for he has a groupthat you can become a member of.
He has a free things that heoffers on his website. And me
finding that has been a truegame changer. I mean, I think my
friend, Randy Keenan pointedthat out to me and pointed me
towards this guy. And I startedlistening to his podcast, and

(18:10):
going, okay, this person istalking in a way that I can
understand. And I don't feeldumb. That's so important for
me, I have a real hard timebecause, I do like to learn
things. But I get frustratedvery quickly with technology.
And as soon as people arestarting to talk in a way that I
can't follow, and I start tofeel super stupid. I will I just

(18:32):
I get angry. I'm like, Oh, myGod stop. But one of the first
things he said, and one of hisfirst classes is that you know
what, you can learn this, it'snot that hard. And get over it,
you need to learn to just justget over it. And I like that's
the language I'm used tohearing. That's the language I
respond to. Get over it.

And see the the learning side of it is what you
have been attracted to. And whatI've been attracted to about it
is talking to women in a waythat I hope is really connective
for them and real. And, hey,we've got your back. We've been
there. And if we haven't we'rewilling to learn about it and

(19:15):
share it with you. So that'sbeen kind of my way that I've
had enthusiasm about it.

Yeah. Well, because you want you know, I don't want
to just have a vanity project.
You know, you and I talked aboutthis before. We want to just
have our conversations and theway you and I talk about things,
which is pretty straightforward.
We want that to help people,especially women like us in our
50s and beyond. We also wantpeople to see the two different

(19:45):
thought processes that we use toget to that's an important thing
for women like us. And I thinkalso is that idea of friendship,
of just being part of this groupof women of our women friends
that we have the ones who areour super tight super close
friends, but also the ones whoare, you know, going out in

(20:07):
those concentric circles thatare getting a lot that would
just want to, that we know andlike, and we would like them to
get to know us better. And Iwould like to get to know them
better. I think this is anotherway to do it. It's just another
avenue to reach into somebody,and then also to meet people
new.

It's a connection for sure. And I've
reconnected with friends overthis that have heard it and
have, you know, wanted to giveus feedback and reach out. And
that's been pretty special. And,and I think that was part of
also you mentioned the COVIDtime period that we started
this, this was a good way toconnect and feel connected, and

(20:46):
have something going on in ourlife that we felt like was
important enough to share withother women our age.

And actually, that that is part of the lessons
learned is that you know,because of that idea of having
something new to go on in yourlife, you know, our business
changed radically, just changedovernight, just poof. And the
first year was just, you know,okay, well, we're gonna have a
wait and see and wait and see.
But 2021 comes around. It'slike, okay, we can't keep

(21:15):
hanging out in inertia forever.
What what are we going to do?
How are we going to moveforward. And I will tell you
this, having to give it thatkind of thought, having that
forced pause, and then havingthe opportunity to really think
about it. Every week, you and Igot together every week, we were
talking about something everyweek, you're questioning what's
important to you in differentways. Even if the conversation

(21:36):
wasn't completely on topic towhat I was dealing with at that
particular moment, it stillsharpened my mind. And made me
look at things and go okay,yeah, that this part of this is
something that I want more of inmy life, I want more friends
around, I want more closefriendships and conversations, I
want less bullshit, I want lessof, you know, clients that

(21:58):
aren't paying attention orclients who are not valuing our
time back, I want less of that.
I want more working withsomebody who who's enthusiastic
about something, I want to beless of a water carrier and more
of a partner with somebody. Um,I think those conversations just

(22:20):
kind of that, that you and I hadjust really informed my thinking
in other ways.

And for me, the podcast was also about because
I've been through a bigtransition in this last year, I,
you know, went from having amarriage to now being separated.
And having to look at that andsay, Okay, what is your part in
that Cheryl? And what have youlearned from doing some of these

(22:50):
podcasts that will help youreally look into that, and own
it, and be able to move forwardin that. So I, because I now, I
mean, for the longest time, Ihad so much responsibility as a
kid, and had so much put on me.
And that carried over intoeverything that I did, I took on

(23:15):
a lot of other people'sresponsibility, responsibility
for them being happyresponsibility for them, getting
things done responsibility forhelping them progress and
achieve more. And I took that onmyself. Nobody made me do that.
I took that on. And so as I'vegotten older, and my children

(23:37):
have gotten older, and myrelationship has gotten older, I
have had to really think aboutCheryl, and what do you want,
and being okay with thinkingthat way? Because, because I
haven't done that, or learnedhow to do that. I would often
feel guilty, you know, fortaking any personal time or

(23:58):
thought towards myself. Um, sopart of that transition into
separating was about that, howyou, you might love someone, but
and I will always love thisperson, but also, what do you
need to do for yourself to bestronger, better and stand up

(24:21):
for how you want to be treated?
And wrapping my head aroundbeing okay with that this
podcast helped me do that,because we really kind of delved
into your relationships, wedelved into the dynamics of
them, you know, and we haddiscussions about other people

(24:44):
and their, how they did thingsand you know, that kind of
helps.

Well, and I also think it gives you the ability
to have a foundation when yourworld's just being rocked, you
know, and decisions have to bemade and those decisions are not
fun and they're not fair and andall the things that happen
around us. But with friendships,and with conversation and
communication, you can at leastnot be knocked off, you know,

(25:09):
you can at least not be likeknocked over sideways, you can
keep yourself upright, mentallyupright, emotionally upright,
maybe you know hurting, maybe alot of pain maybe confused. But
you know that you've gotyourself, which is strong. And
that you can think throughthings. And then you got people
around you who are like going,like, yeah, you've got this and

(25:29):
what you don't have, I've got,okay, you can, that's what
helps, I think. And that goesback to a whole idea of helping
people to be a better friend tothemselves first. And then also
to be a better friend, to theirfriends. You know?

And I think that came out for me, with not having
to feel like I had to be thestrong one all the time, and
push my own wants and needs andthoughts down to be that strong
person. It gets exhausting to bestrong all the time. And it's
also not a real state of mind towhere you can allow yourself to

(26:16):
be vulnerable. And that be okay.
And that's something I've kindof worked on this last year. And
doing the podcast helped me dothat, because it gave me my own
voice, along with yours aboutissues that are really relevant
now and going forward, and howthat tied into our past. So I
learned a lot about myself, inall of this too, and how to

(26:41):
navigate this whole thing calledlife with more grace and
dignity. I kept saying thatphrase to myself, grace and
dignity, grace and dignity,because it's so easy to lash out
and be mean, and be angry. Youknow, and go down that rabbit

(27:01):
hole when you really don't wantto do that. I've tried to focus
more on growing as a person andas a partner, and how do you do
that with grace and dignity?

And I think I agree, because the thing about
being a badass is that, youknow, I know I can do that. I
know that I am I can deal withany battle I can get in
anybody's face, I've got I'vegot all that ability locked
down. What I don't know so wellis Do I have the ability to just
stand down a little bit. Youknow, like, I want things to be

(27:37):
the kind of the growth thing youwere talking about that you've
learned so much about yourself?
For me. It's never enough. It'slike, you know, okay, it's not
enough, I need to do more, Ineed to do more. If things
aren't getting done, well, thenI need to do more. And so part
of this journey for me to say islike, okay, no, I don't need to
do more. I need to look at whatI am doing. I need to look at
what other people are doing. Ineed to say, Okay, here's,
here's my, here's, I am doingenough, I'm doing enough.

And you are enough.

And you end up get and that's on that you're you've
told me it's like no, your thingabout your limits and
boundaries. And I'm like, Youknow what? You're absolutely
right. There needs to be somesome limits and boundaries up in
here. Um, that doesn't make meless formidable than I already
am. But it does make I think itdoes make me think of things in

(28:26):
a different perspective, andrevalue women's friendships. I
like going into this, you know,I'm not I will admit, I am not
the best when it comes to likewomen, for me, a descent into
hell is like getting togetherwith a whole bunch of women,
because all they're gonna do isbe bitching about their husbands
and all that kind of stuff. Hownice for me, one of the growth

(28:48):
things that I've learned is thatthat's not true. Women talk
about plenty of other things.
And they can be invited to talkabout other things. They can be
encouraged. I mean, all there'sthis wide, wide range. And
there's this whole depth andstrength of women's friendships
that I had not really had.

(29:08):
Because I was going Yeah, no, Idon't I don't know. I don't I
don't want to do that. I thinkthat that's one of the things
that this podcast, andespecially you and I because we
have known each other for solong, and from where we came
from and you know, our parentsand our grandparents and our,
our siblings and you know, whowent to school with our

(29:30):
teachers, our pastors, I mean,all of the things that we know
about each other, that's justkind of there, just kind of like
the fabric of us that we don'thave to rediscover. I think that
really helps.

And I think if if the listeners really knew the
extent and the depth of how wegrew up, how southern it was,
how male dominated it was, howyou don't get to talk about your
thoughts and feelings. You don'tget to have those. We've got
work to do. We've got a plan.
We've got a farm, you know todo. We've got this, we've got

(30:07):
that, you know, to be the womenthat we are today. I'm super
proud of us for that. Because weare so not we are. And we're
also not how we were brought up,especially on the environment
side of that.

Yeah, I think that's what if you, the day I
learned that you can decide howyou're going to be. And just
because somebody else has said,This is who you are, and this is
what you're going to be, doesn'tmean, you have to agree with
them. It certainly doesn't meanyou have to keep going the way
you were going. That, this waslike a couple of decades ago for
me, but that realization thatone singular day, when it was

(30:46):
like, You know what, I'm notafraid of lightning, mama's
afraid of lightning. Man, wetalked about a story in one of
our previous episodes. But thatrealization that so much of what
I had been led to believe weremy own thoughts and ideas, as a
child and as a teenager, andeven as a young as a young
adult. That they weren't true.
And that I could be different.

(31:10):
That's an that's an importantbit of education. And I think
that's one of the reasons why.
And you have that samecuriosity, and you have the same
ability to say, like, yeah, no,I'm not gonna, I'm not going to
do that I can I can. I can bedifferent. If I want to, should
I do I need to look at this. CanI examine it? And I think that's
part of where you know, yourhead is right now you're talking
about like the the conversationyou and I chatted about earlier

(31:30):
about this conversation that youhad, and you're like, Yeah, I
understand what you want. Youwant everything to be the same
way it always was. And I'mtelling you, I'm not okay with
that. I'm making a change. Idon't know exactly how that's
going to shake out yet. But itis not to go backwards.

It is not to go backwards. Exactly. And I think,
um, I know that you didn't, Iknow you have fur baby children.
But when you have children, Ithink us as women, a lot of
times, not not every woman, ofcourse. But a lot of times we as
moms devote so much to raisingour kids and doing what they're

(32:13):
doing and supporting whatthey're doing. And making sure
the house is running well, youkind of lose yourself a little
bit sometimes in that. And so itwas important for me to get have
a little bit to myself, youknow, because I, my husband
wanted to start this business.
Well, I was going to be a partof that and support that too. It

(32:35):
was our family, you know, so Ididn't really have a career that
that I chose. We chose that forthe family. And it was based on
what he was good at. And then,you know, Safelight came along,
and I started getting involvedwith domestic violence, and then
guardian ad litem, and that'sbeen my little niche of doing

(32:58):
something that I'm interested indoing, you know. So that kind of
flowed into now that my childrenare not, they're all adults, and
I'm learning to let them maketheir own decisions and not
always give my opinion. Eventhough I can I can say what your

(33:19):
ass is doing, is not a goodidea.

And I'm gonna write down the consequences. I'm gonna
open this envelope in like ayear.

I have not, I have learned, I do not need to
say that. Sometimes I need tostep back, and let it all
happen, and just be there when,you know, I told you so comes
out, you know?

Yes. And then we'll question whether or not we need
to say that too. Or do you justhave to like raise an eyebrow
and go? Ah, like I was saying,like, we all know,

You do you, boo boo. But then we're gonna have a
conversation when that doesn'twork out.

But that is part of it, though. I think and I think
it's an important part is, youknow, what, you want to be able
to say what you need to say. AndI think that's something else
that we want to encourage allwomen to do is to say what you
need to say to be effective whenyou say things to to not feel
like you are being crunched andpushed down and that you are
being you know, stifled oranything but also to be able to

(34:31):
do it in a way that's moving youforward. That is you know,
because a lot of womenespecially like you said, you
know, women who are who aremarried decide this but like
last 20 Some years taking careof children. And there's a lot
of things you can't say aroundyour own kids. There's a lot of
time that you want to blame themfor being stupid, but the fact
is, it's like you don't youcan't say that to a 10 year old.

(34:51):
I am yes I am late today becauseyou were being a dumbass but I'm
not going to say that. Um, butthe thing is, is that now the
kids are the kids of their ownnow, it's like they they're they
have the opportunity to go maketheir own lives, you know, and
go with peace, go with grace, gowith God, you'll never starve to
death. You'll never be homeless.
You'll always have a place here.

(35:13):
But I also have a place here.
And I think that's kind of why Itry and tell my friends about
the kids like, you know, I amabsolutely 100% here to remind
you that you're still a fullwhole person that who you are
does not stop and end. And Imight not have children, skin,
children. I got my fur childrenmight not have skin children.
But I do have the ability toobserve people. I'm very good

(35:36):
observer. And I don't

I know that you you kids didn't work out for
you, but but you're also reallygood with kids.

Yeah, I love certain kids. I do. I really do.
And I

You did tell me one time when I brought all four
mine over, and they were raisinghell and you were like, Yeah, I
love you. But don't bring yourkids over here. I feel like
that. So I got you in that.

Yeah, that's right.
We bought the house and therewas your mom was with you. And
so and we still have airconditioning in the house at
that time. It was like in thesummer. And y'all were here. All
the kids were here. We'resitting in like lawn chairs out
in the side yard over here.
Those children and we have thetwo dogs, right. We have the two
dogs and one of them was brandnew. And these kids are like

(36:30):
running all over the place beinglittle Hellions I'm like, What
is with these hellions? Whereare their parents? Oh, she's
right here. Oh my god. And yes,if my dog bites one of them. Not
my fault. Not the dog's faulteither. Just so you know. I
don't think I said, don't bringthem back here. I didn't say
it's like, I think what I saidwas next. Girl. Yeah. I'm sure

(36:56):
I'm fair. No, I did. You'reright. I totally said that. I'm
pretty sure.

You totally said that. And I was not offended
because I was like, there's somedays that I don't want all four.

And when they're that age, and there's four of
them, they out they you know,they outnumber you you know and
they can gang up and the nextthing you know, you know you're
just kind of swamped in thislike, you know, immature
childish you know, I know okay,they were like four to eight at
this time. But anyway, they werejust you you lose your ability
sometime to go. Yeah, you'reright. Because they're that

(37:29):
little they do need you thatbad.

Oh, yeah. One standing in an anthill, crying
and the other one is pulling theother one's hair. They're both
screaming, and then the olderone, you were like, where is
she? Where did she go?

A lot. There's a lake right over there. Does she
know how to swim? But no, andthen your mother was just
laughing her ass off. Oh my god.
She thought it was hysterical.

She was not the grandparent, that was gonna dip
your toe in and help out. Shewas the sit in the lawn chair
and watch it all happengrandparent.

Yes. And and you know, laugh about it, and tell
you what, how wrong you were foreverything you were doing?

Exactly. I told you not to have them kids.

Oh, my God. But here's the thing I do. I do know
people who have successfullyraised children. I also know
some people who have not havenot successfully raised some
children, at least not yet. Andit's the same parents and the
same children. Right? Right.
Because they vacillate theythink you're gonna have two
people raised in the samehousehold by the same parents.
And those two children turn outcompletely differently. Um, and
that's because that's theirpeople. You know, and that's

(38:41):
part of why I was trying toremind my friends so you know, I
get it, I totally get it. And upuntil the kids have, like, real
personalities that I haveconversations with. They're just
kind of there. You know, okay,there, whatever. I'm gonna wait
until they become little people.
And then when they become littlepeople, I will decide if I like
them or not. Now as theirgrowing I can kind of take a

(39:03):
step back, but once they becamebecome old enough to be a fully
formed person of their own, Igot told why one for the other
day, it's like, you know, yeah,they're, they're yours up until
they're 18. But after that theirmind, because I am the I Am the
people, they're going to dealwith the rest of their life.
There's a billion there'sbillions of people on this
planet. There's one mom, maybetwo, sometimes three. But the

(39:26):
thing is, is that you're raisingyour kids to be with me, to act
with me to be around people likeme, employers, friends, friends'
mothers, people that they workwith. And if your kids entire
process has to be run throughyou, then it doesn't run through
me. There's more of me now thereused to be more of the kids and

(39:47):
one you now there's a billionsof me. I mean, one of your kid
so I think that is one of theperspective sometimes I think
that the the well you don't havekids you don't understand.
Forget I'm like I say yeah, youdo have kids and you don't
understand. You know, becauseyou don't want to see it because
they're your babies.

Well, and you have to learn how to parent, you
know, I had four, you have toeach child had to be parented
differently. In some instances,and that's, you know, learning
learning to navigate that. Yeah.
helps you with a lot ofrelationships.

Yes, it does, oh, my God does it ever. But back to
our lessons learned, I gottatell you, one of the other
things that I think is importantthat I wanted to add, and it
kind of goes back with the thething about the the impact of
COVID on our lives by 2021. Um,one thing that I'm absolutely a
people person, which is not ahuge surprise, everybody knows

(40:44):
that I'm a true introvert. But Ihave discovered, having
everybody kind of taken away,and then when they start to come
back, I recognize people who areeither cranky or poots, or
they're not enthusiastic,they're just whiny, they
complain, whatever it is, and Idon't want to make room for them
anymore. I think that's one ofthe things that I really learned

(41:08):
is that I don't, I had thatnegativity taken away, because
of COVID. I mean, all the goodpeople were taking away too, but
the but that all that was gone.
And then as people are startingto come back into my life, I'm
realizing that there's somepeople in this world that are
just either cranky andcomplainer's, or they never,
they never really take time tobe interested in you, you were

(41:31):
an audience for them. You know,their life, they can talk about
forever, but they can never talkabout yours. They couldn't ask
you anything. And I wasrealizing I'm like, You know
what? I think as I move forward,one of my lessons learned from
this year, and impart from ourconversations, you know, we
talked about friendships, and wetalked about relationships, that
I don't want to be the personwho's working so hard to make a

(41:54):
miserable person happy.

Right? Or be there for somebody who's not
going to be there for you.

Yeah, as a wise woman once said, People don't
change.

People don't change. If they do it's really,
really rare.

And it will never have anything to do with you. It
was like nothing, you saynothing. You tried to say
nothing, you didn't say nothingyou did. It will never have
anything to do with that it'llbe something deep within
themselves, if they decide theywant to be different.

And and that's another thing I've learned in
therapy. And this was a hard onefor me, I pushed back with my
therapist a lot. And I don'teven know if I'm still quite
there. But she, you know, Iwould describe a behavior and
how that affected me. And shewould say, you know, that has
nothing to do with you. I'mlike, What do you mean, it has

(42:49):
everything to do with me itaffects? It affects me this this
in this way? And she goes, itcould affect you that way, but
it still has nothing to do withyou. So I really had to I you
know, and be and because we'vebeen open and talking about
things I can't expect ourlisteners to to learn and grow

(43:10):
if I'm not willing to learn andgrow. And I would have to say,
okay, just break that down formy sister girl. Because I am not
understanding how you're notsaying that this is not about
me. Because it feels very muchabout me.

Am I in the conversation? Am I in the room?
Well, then, of course, it'sabout me, right?

Well, it's about and this is what I go back to
when we talked about family. Andthat is when it when people
treat you a certain way.
Oftentimes it's more about them,how they grew up, what they're
going through and less about youthe person that you are, yeah,
whether you allow it to be inyour life or not, is all about

(43:53):
you. And if you're gonna standup for yourself, tolerate it,
try to talk through and changeit, whatever decision you decide
to make is on you. But, youknow, oftentimes people behave
the way they behave, becausethat's who they are. And that
part of it really does havenothing to do with you.

And that's another shout out to my girl my favorite
Corinne Crabtree, I mean,listening to her podcast, one of
the things that she she reallykind of laid in there about is
that and it goes also goes backto the seven habits book, but
that whole idea that what peoplesay and what they do and how
they act, you decide how youfeel about it. They don't make

(44:37):
you do anything they don't.
They're not hurting yourfeelings. They've said something
and you've decided that whatthey said was hurtful. And you
can and then you've decided tostay with the hurt, you know,
and then you've decided that itwas intentional. And then you've
decided that asshole How darethey they need to change. And
it's like, okay, you could havestopped at Wow, that was hurtful
and said, I don't want to hurtabout this anymore. I don't have

(45:02):
to, I can look at that now andsay, okay, they just said
something hurtful, I don't haveto stay hurt about it. And that
kind of learning, that kind ofability to to master your own
mind is, I think you don't haveto have 50 degrees to do this,
you don't have to be some kindof rocket scientist genius. All
you have to do is recognize thatother people get to think what

(45:27):
they want. Other people aregoing to say what they want. And
no matter what happens, inalmost all situations, you get
to decide how you're going toreact to it. Now there is
obviously and you've talkedabout this before, it's
important because there is apoint where things shift over
into true abusiveness or theperson shifts from being a
participant to actually being anintentional victim of somebody

(45:50):
else's mental emotionalmanipulation, emotional
manipulation. And when thosethings occur, that person does
have less ability to takecontrol of their mind. That's
when you need friends, andtherapists and people around
them to hold them up and helpthem and that's what we are here
to do for each other and for ourfriends.

And it's important too, because you said
that, I want to make it clearthat we're not saying that you
don't get to be hurt bysomething, or angry by
something, or that somethingsomebody chooses to do does not
affect you emotionally, whatwe're saying is, you get to have
that time that you feel that,whether you stay in that or stay

(46:34):
in that situation, or with thatperson, that's the part that's
on you.

Yeah, and the meaning you get to assign to it,
because you're right, I thinkthat that is important to
realize that, you know, ifsomebody says something truly
hurtful, you get to be hurt. Andyou and especially if it was
something that was really kindof egregious, because sometimes
it's like, you know, I don'tknow how to get past this
particular hurt, it was thatawful. And it hurt me that
deeply. Um, and I'm gonna haveto think about how to sit for a

(47:00):
little while, right. But you doknow that the moment you
recognize it for what it is,then you can decide how you're
going to move forward with thehurt, right, you can decide
whether you're going to eitherset it down from time to time,
and then pick it back up. Or youcan decide whether you're like,
Okay, I am going to make achange in my life, because I
know, they're not going to makea change in theirs. Or you can

(47:20):
say, You know what, I'm going towork through this, I'm going to
talk to them about it, we'regoing to come to some some kind
of an agreement, if nothingelse, they're going to hear from
me, what just happened and how Ifeel and what they said and why
it affected me. And then thenthey can decide if they want to
take that into consideration.
And I can observe theirbehavior, and decide if that's
enough.

Another thing I just learned in therapy, and
this happened actually, in aconversation that I was having
with someone, um, they said whatthey said, um, but didn't really
mean it the way they said it.
So, but I took it, you know, theway it hurt me, you know, the
way it affected me the way athurt me. So a way to get kind of

(48:00):
around that to create a betterflow of communication, is to
say, Okay, what I heard you saywas, and repeat it back to them?
Is that what you meant to say?
Yeah, and then they have anopportunity to say, you know,

(48:21):
oh, gosh, I didn't mean for itto come out that way. Or that's
not the intention that I meant.
Here's what I was really saying,when I said that.

Or they get to say, you know, you always take things
that way, you know, and then youcan observe, you can see how
they're going to react, youknow.

You can sit back and observe exactly we've
taught, we've talked about thatenough, in some of these
podcasts to really see whatparticular behaviors are, and
what the root of those are andwhere they're coming from. And
it's almost cool to sit back alittle bit, take the emotion out
of it when you're able to dothat and say, Okay, I really see

(48:58):
this for what this was. Am Igoing to put up with this? Are
we going to try to work throughthis? Or do I need to thank you
and next.

Yeah, absolutely.
And that's thing you have,there's always options. I think
that's everything that I had onmy list. Was there anything on
your list that we missed that wehadn't talked about yet?

Nope. I got everything. I thought this was a
great podcast today.

And I think it was a great the experience of doing
this podcast for us. Andcertainly, I hope for our
listeners, you know, it has beensuch a time of learning and
enjoyment and fun and laughterand you know, getting to like
you said, really rediscover yourown voice. This has been a ton
of fun. And we want to let ourlisteners know we're gonna be
taking a little bit of a breakin December. Because like, you

(49:45):
know, it gets crazy foreverybody. And so we're gonna
take a little bit of a break.
And then we're during the sametime though we're gonna be
looking ahead to next year andsay, Okay, what do we want to
keep from this year? What do wewant to change for next year?
What are what is our movingforward going to look like for
the two of us. And so that'swhat we're gonna be at. So this
is going to be our, our lastepisode for 2021. And I think

(50:06):
this is gonna drop like thosefirst or second week of
December. And then we will comeback in the early next year and
say, Okay, what's what are wedoing moving forward?

And we would like to hear from all of you as
to what you would like to hearabout, have us talk about, have
us learn about, and include allof you in on, you know, as by
doing this for our listeners,too, so,

Yes, absolutely.
Well, that's what I got.
Whenever you tell everybody whatour cocktails were, ladies, I
was having a hot hot chocolate.
And on the website on our shownotes, I was actually using a
thing called peppermintchocolate choad with chocolate
liquer. So there's a recipe onthere for that one, which is
really delicious. And Cheryl youwere having, you put on the

(50:56):
website, sparkling pomegranatecocktail.

And I tried it and the pomegranate is a little
bit too sweet for me. I don'tlike a sweet drink. I like a
tart tree. Yeah, so I would ifyou like the pomegranate fine,
but it's pomegranate and asparkling wine. And I like
Prosecco. Because it's a littledrier. Yeah, you can change that
out to just cranberry and makeit tarter if you don't like the

(51:22):
sweet.

And there is a cranberry pomegranate. Because I
have some down in the houseright now. And it's a little bit
tarter than the than thepomegranate cocktail. Yeah. All
right, ladies, everybody, thankyou so much. We are going to
wrap up 2021 It's been a hell ofa year, hell of a year on so
many different levels in so manydifferent ways. But we thank you
all for being with us on this,this journey and for like

(51:46):
hanging out and listening andresponding and asking and you
are you are why we do this. Andthank you for giving us the
opportunity. We truly, trulyappreciate it.

Yes, absolutely.

All right, everybody. Bye.

Great Christmas.

Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year. Bye

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Lessons Learned: It’s been a heck of a year, y'all

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