December 8, 2024 • 31 mins
What if you could view your past not as a series of fixed events, but as a canvas that can be repainted to better serve your present and future? Join me as we challenge the conventional belief that our past narratives are set in stone.
Inspired by Dr. Dan McAdams' theory of narrative identity, we explore how intentionally reconstructing our past experiences can shape a more meaningful and fulfilling life. Through engaging exercises and insightful discussions, we'll guide you in distinguishing the bare facts from the stories we've woven around them, ultimately empowering you to rewrite these narratives for personal growth and happiness.
In this episode, we delve into practical techniques for deconstructing and reframing the stories that continue to influence your life. Whether you're wrestling with a layoff, a divorce, or any other challenging situation, learn how to transform negative emotions like anger and fear into excitement and hope. By examining past experiences through a lens of gratitude and learning, you can uncover the hidden opportunities for growth they offer. Embrace the notion that life's ups and downs are not just obstacles but essential lessons that shape who you are and how you approach future decisions. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together, reshaping your past for a brighter tomorrow.
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Learn more about Next Level, our monthly membership at https://www.thepurposefulcareer.com/nextlevel.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Purposeful Career Podcast,
episode number 209.
I'm Carla Hudson, brandstrategist, entrepreneur and
life coach.
Whether you're on the corporateor entrepreneur track, or maybe
both, decades of experience hastaught me that creating success
happens from the inside out.
(00:20):
It's about having the clarity,self-confidence and unstoppable
belief to go after and geteverything you want.
If you'll come with me, I'llshow you how.
Hello friends, I hope you hadan amazing week.
This week's episode is aninteresting one.
(00:43):
By the time we get to mid-careeror mid-life, there's a lot of
things that have happened in ourlife, many of which we wish we
could erase or not haveexperienced, and a lot of times
we think that that's justbaggage that we have to either
carry with us and push down ortry to forget about or whatever.
(01:08):
But we don't really think aboutthe fact that maybe we could
just reposition it, as we wouldsay in marketing, or, as we say
in this episode, rewrite it.
Rewrite the narrative of ourpast experiences, meaning, what
are we making it mean about ourlife, what are we making it mean
(01:29):
about ourselves and maybe evenmore importantly, what are we
making it mean about our futurepossibilities?
So this episode shares somethought leadership from some
leaders in psychology who havedone a lot of research on it and
are talking about how torestructure the narrative of
(01:50):
your past, which I think issuper interesting as we head
into the end of this year andthe start of yet another year,
so enjoy this episode on how torewrite the narrative of your
past.
Episode on how to rewrite thenarrative of your past.
(02:10):
Today, I want to talk about howyou can rewrite your past
narrative.
Now, this is important stuffand maybe a little unusual,
coming from a life coach,because usually what we do is we
take people from where they areright now and focus them
forward on where they want to goand, being very intentional and
purposeful about that.
We have all kinds of tools tohelp them do that.
(02:31):
But I do want to talk about thepast today because it's really
important.
The past and our view of thepast can do a number on us
without us even realizing it.
A lot of us think that thethings that happened in our life
are just true, that they'rejust facts and they are true
(02:51):
about us and there's nothingthat we can do to change them.
But I want to talk about todaythrough a different lens, and
I'm going to start with a quotefrom a famous author.
He's an American writer namedWilliam Faulkner.
If you've read him, his quoteis the past is never dead, it's
not even past.
(03:12):
So that's interesting, right,and you might disagree.
You might be like, wait aminute.
Yes, it is, because as humans,we all experience life in a
linear fashion, like whateverage you are let's say you're 50,
you have 50 years behind youand you think, well, I've got
all these things that happenedin my past, and so you might
(03:33):
disagree with William Faulknerand say it is in my past.
Here's where I want to challengethat perspective, and it's
going to be through the lens ofa scholar and researcher named
Dr Dan McAdams, who has come upwith something called the theory
of narrative identity, and whathe says is that our identity as
(03:56):
a person is actually informedby a combination of our past,
our present and our future.
So, specifically, what heteaches is a way to do that
through the lens of not just apast, but a reconstructed past,
(04:17):
and not just a present, but avery intentionally perceived
present, and not just a futurethat happens at random, but a
purposeful, imagined and createdfuture.
So the lens that we want to puton this today is if in your
mind, your past, your presentand your future are all still
(04:41):
very much alive.
So if people were to tell you,oh, I had these four traumatic
things that happened in mycareer right In my past, and
someone might just say, justforget about it, leave it all in
your past, I would tell youit's not possible, because those
experiences were stored awayand all of the thoughts and
(05:02):
feelings and emotions you haveabout those experiences are
still stored away and they showup every day and become part of
the lens through which you lookat your life, the past, the
present and the future in Dr DanMcAdams' theory which I think
is fascinating is that they'reall existing together.
(05:24):
The past, present and futureare not separate and they're not
linear.
They are all holistic, they'retogether, they're integrated and
they're actually co-occurring.
One is informing another, soit's all very quantum right.
It's like we can't just leavethe past behind.
(05:44):
Therefore, when you're thinkingabout what you want in your
life, or if you're in a place inyour life today where you're
not entirely thrilled with it,part of what's shaping that
perspective is the perspectiveyou have on some of the key
things from your past.
So we all have a mix ofexperiences in our past.
(06:06):
We have positive things thathappened, and I would argue that
if you have really happyassociations with something, you
don't really need to go backand reconstruct that or even
really examine it, becauseyou're carrying with you
positive things from thatexperience.
I would say, though, if youalready have positive things
from an experience, if youwanted to go back and examine it
(06:29):
through the lens that I'm goingto take you with on this call,
you could probably find evenmore things to be positive and
happy about.
So it's not that there's novalue in looking at the good
things that happen in our past,because I do think you could
always find more to be gratefulabout, more to learn from right,
if you're really looking to dothat.
But today, in this episode, I dowant you to look at your past,
(06:51):
and I want you to think of onething that bothers you the most,
and it could be in any area ofyour life that you want to focus
on.
It could be about relationships, it could be about some aspect
of your career, or it could beabout the business that you own,
whatever you want, or yourfinancial health, or whatever it
is, your physical health,whatever Pick, the one thing
(07:13):
that occurred has to be ahappening, so it has to be
something that occurred, becausewe're going to try to look at
it as you do now, and we'regoing to look at it later, in
the episode of how you mightchoose to reframe it or
reconstruct it.
So you might wonder, though,what's the value of that, or you
might even be questioning howcould I even do that?
(07:35):
Because most of us look at thethings that happen in our life
as just a fact.
Just is what it is right, itjust occurred, and it meant
these things.
And now here I am right, so Ican't change that you might be
thinking, but the truth of thematter is you can.
There is a very big differencebetween the facts of what
(08:00):
happened and the meaning youassigned to those facts, and in
our mind because most of usaren't very purposeful about it
those things are combined.
They're in a big ball ofconfusion, right, and we take
the thing that happened and weassign all of this description
to it, and some of it very fewthings about it are facts, and
(08:23):
most of the rest of it is justthe things we've decided to make
that thing mean about us, aboutsomeone else, about the world,
about our future, all of it.
And the truth is, if you goback and you look at the thing
that's bothering you, that Iasked you to think about, and we
choose to reconstruct it in adifferent way, the value of that
(08:47):
is that when you change themeaning of that narrative of the
thing from your past, yousimultaneously also change the
narrative of your present andyour future.
Dan McAdam says it's allhappening at the same time.
So those things that happenedto you in the past that you're
(09:08):
carrying with you today, theyall exist together and they're
informing you how you look atthe world today, and they inform
your view of the future.
So the value of going back toreframe is that you then start
to inform your present and yourfuture in a different way, in a
more constructive and valuableway.
(09:30):
So the part about your past,though, that you can't change is
you cannot change the facts ofa thing.
Let's just pretend that youpicked a layoff right.
You can't change the fact thatyou were laid off.
You were laid off One day youhad a job and the next day you
didn't.
You were laid off right.
It wasn't your choice thathappened.
(09:51):
But you can change the storyyou're telling yourself about
that thing.
This is the worst thing thatever happened to me.
My boss always had it in for me.
This place is a toxic cesspool.
I hate those people.
This isn't fair.
Whatever is coming up for youwhen you think about the thing,
all of the rest of it other thanjust I was laid off from my job
(10:13):
all the rest of it is story,and it's that story part that's
actually causing you the problem.
And most of us aren'tproactively managing that story
right.
It just happens by default.
So something happened.
We, unbeknownst to us, made itmean.
All these things, we actuallythink all those things are true,
(10:35):
even though they're not allfacts and they're not all true.
Most of it's just perception.
They shape how you look atyourself and how you look at the
world.
It's a story and you have tolook at and deconstruct the
story so you get clear onwhether the story of that thing
is serving you.
And I would say, if it'ssomething you look at through
(10:58):
negative light, it's not servingyou.
Right, and do you like thestory and is it getting in your
way?
So that's what we want to do.
So I want to get into theexercise I want to lead you
through.
So what I'd like you to do istake out a pen and paper and I'd
(11:18):
like you to pick one thing.
So many of us have lots ofthings in our past about what
we'd like to change or that wewish hadn't happened, or that we
think about in a negative light.
But just pick one.
It can be in any area, and Iwant you to write it at the top
(11:38):
of the page.
Okay, next, what I want you todo is I want you to do a thought
download on that thing.
So, at the top of the page, Ijust want you to write down what
happened and try to make it asfact-based as possible Got laid
off from job, got a divorce,whatever it is like.
Just write that.
Don't make it this big longparagraph.
Put one sentence or a phraseand just try to get to the facts
(12:01):
of the matter.
And then, when you look at thefacts at the top of the page, I
want you to do a thoughtdownload.
And how you do that is you lookat the thing that you wrote
down, the fact of the thing, andI want you to write everything
that comes up for you when youlook at that, every random
thought, and I want you to doone sentence per line only.
(12:21):
I don't want you to write in abig ongoing paragraph, and the
reason why I'll tell you in aminute.
So I want you to look at thething, do a thought, download
one sentence per line, and Iwant you to keep going until you
run out of things to say.
And then I want you to promptyourself.
(12:42):
Is there anything else?
What else could I do?
I think about this, try tothink about it like wringing all
the water from a dishcloth.
You're trying to get everythought in your mind, everything
that's part of that story, andputting it down on paper so you
can see it.
There's a lot of power in that.
So the next thing I want you todo is I want you to look at the
thing that you wrote down thefact or whatever at the top, and
(13:05):
then I want you to look at allof the sentences, and I want you
to.
When you're looking at thesentences, I want you to be
clear and circle, maybe in adifferent color pen.
What is our highlighter?
What is a fact?
What could you get a jury of 12people random strangers in a
(13:27):
courtroom to agree, is a fact.
If we go to the example of alayoff, probably the only fact
is something that would be I nolonger have my job or I got laid
off.
That's a fact, right?
Everything else?
This is really unfair.
(13:49):
My boss has always hated me.
Everything else this is reallyunfair.
My boss has always hated me.
I'll never find another goodjob.
How am I going to pay my bills?
Like all of the rest of it isnarrative and story.
So I want you to sort factsfrom the narrative.
So just circle the facts,highlight the facts, but
remember the lens on the factsis my boss always hated me.
(14:12):
Even though you might thinkyou've got 10 proof points that
prove that you do not know thatyou are not your boss.
Try to be honest with yourselfand just get to.
If I had to prove this as anattorney, I had to prove this in
court.
Could I making part of yourstory a judgment like my boss
(14:33):
has always hated me, or aninterpretation?
It's not a fact.
You don't know.
You're not your boss.
Even if you think everythingpoints to that, you still don't
know it for sure.
So try to keep your factsdifferent from your narrative.
So you've highlighted yourfacts.
Next thing I want you to do islook at your narrative.
Everything else that's left,that's not highlighted or
circled, is your facts.
Next thing I want you to do islook at your narrative.
(14:53):
Everything else that's left,that's not highlighted or
circled is your narrative.
So in my example, it would bethings like this is really
unfair.
Or I shouldn't have been laidoff, it should have been Penny
who sits next to me, or I'mnever going to get another good
job, or what am I going to donow with my life, or I should
have known this was coming, orwhatever else.
You're telling yourself All ofthat's narrative.
(15:16):
So I want you to look at thenarrative and next to each one
of those things I want you towrite down, when you look at
that narrative line, thatsentence that you were done, I
want you to identify the oneword emotion that it makes you
feel just one word.
So this is so unfair.
It might make you feel angry orsad.
(15:37):
My boss has always hated me.
Might mean that you feel angryor victimhood, right.
Or you might say I got laid offbecause I did bad in that
presentation last week.
Might make you feel angry atyourself, or something like that
.
So go through each one and Iwant you to identify the one
(15:59):
word, emotion.
Write it down just next to thesentence.
So then I want you to look atthe combination of those
thoughts and feelings that youjust did, and I want you to ask
yourself for each one, does thisserve me?
If I believe that this is true,is this the truth?
(16:21):
That's helpful or not?
Probably.
If it's a negative emotion,probably isn't helpful, right?
And then what I want you to lookat is for each one of those
sentences on a separate page, Iwant you to take each sentence
individually and ask yourself ifthere is a more
possibilities-oriented way toreframe it.
(16:45):
So, for example, in the layoffscenario I just took you through
, if one of your thoughts wasthis is really unfair.
What if you just stoppedlooking at it that way and
decided that a morepossibilities-oriented way to
look at it could be this couldlead me to an even better job in
(17:07):
the future, or this frees me upto do something new with my
life, or that, honestly, I wastired of doing this discipline
anyway.
Now I can go look for adifferent type of a job in a new
field, or something like that.
Or if your thought is my bossalways had it in for me.
(17:29):
While that may or may not betrue, we'll never know, because
we're not your boss.
A way you could look at itinstead is to say my boss and I
weren't a great fit and thisgives me a chance to find one.
That is.
Or if you think something likethat as a horrible culture, you
might say this is great becausenow I get to find a culture that
(17:53):
is a better fit for me.
That is a much better way oflooking at something.
It's not as heavy.
It's saying, oh, I may not havewanted this and oh, granted, I
need the income and all thatkind of stuff and I need a job
as soon as I can find one.
But deciding not to stay in avictim mentality or in an anger
(18:18):
mentality is only going tolighten the load and allow you
to see more possibilities inyour life.
So that is a very helpful thingis to say how can I take each
one of those sentences andreframe it into a more
possibilities oriented mentality?
And then I want you to look atit and say this is especially
(18:42):
valuable for the things that arefurther behind us Can be hard
to do this one if it's a recentoccurrence.
But still it's helpful to askyourself what are the things
that I can learn from this?
And that is very helpful.
And for that sometimes it'shelpful to put a lens on looking
(19:05):
at the potential causes of thething.
So if it was a divorce?
Sometimes it's like potentialcauses of the thing, so if it
was a divorce.
Sometimes it's like when youlook at, okay, so the facts of
the thing are now I'm divorced,right, and you're trying to
reframe stuff.
But it's also helpful to go backand say, okay, through the lens
of now, who did I think I wasbeing in that relationship and
(19:28):
what are some of the big lessonsthat I learned coming out of it
around who I am, who my partnerwas, how I showed up, how they
showed up, asking yourself, whatare some lessons that you
learned about who you are, aboutwho you want to be, about
different ways to show up inthat same situation in the
(19:50):
future that might be helpful totake with you, because that
starts to lead you to a placewhere it's not just reframed but
it's through the lens ofgratitude and how that negative
thing actually changed you insome way, because you learned
(20:10):
some more about yourself orabout the world or about people.
That's going to be a lens thatyou can put on your future stuff
.
Those are the ways that youwould take a past situation that
you're not thrilled with andstart to reframe it in a way
(20:31):
that's more possibilitiesoriented and through the lens of
lessons learned that arevaluable to you in the future.
And then the last piece that Iwant you to do is so you looked
at it through the lens ofreframing how could you make it
more possibilities oriented?
And you looked at it throughthe lens of the lessons learned.
I want you to look at it andsay, okay, if those things were
(20:54):
true, the reframing through apossibilities lens and the
lessons learned and then youlook at that same thing again.
So go back to a new page and putlayoff, but don't just think
about, like when you did yourfirst download, you just did it
from a default perspective.
(21:15):
Like how you look at it today,if you could take one of those
new perspectives, newpossibilities oriented
perspectives that you put on itand you looked at that thing
again the divorce, the layoff,whatever it was for you and you
looked at it through that lens,what would those new thoughts
(21:35):
potentially be Like, let's justpretend it was a layoff and your
primary thought was my boss hasalways had it in for me.
But you decided instead to sayyou know what?
Now, when I look at thatspecific layoff, I think this is
actually good, because now Iget to find a boss or a leader
(21:56):
that I have a better connectionor trusting relationship with.
Let's just say that's the newlens.
Now, when you look at thatsituation, if you were to do a
thought download on that throughthe lens of this is the best
thing that could have everhappened to me, because now I
get to find a boss that I trust,or a boss that I look up to, or
a boss that I can learn from,or a boss that I vibe with or
(22:18):
whatever it is.
That's a completely differentthought download that you do.
You might feel things likeexcited or happy or grateful, so
that's a completely differentmood or emotion now that you can
attach to that experience.
(22:39):
It's very different than angeror judgment or fear.
So that's what I mean when I sayrewriting the story of some of
your past.
It's really important to knowthat we're all on a journey and
we're all going to have thingsthat happen to us, that are
(22:59):
things that we want and thingsthat we don't want, and it's
important to know that there'salways a possibility and a real
value in going back andexamining those, not through
just ruminating about it throughdefault lens, but instead to
pull it apart, like the exerciseI walked you through, and say,
(23:20):
okay, what's the differencebetween the facts of the
situation, what's actually juststory that I'm putting on it
right?
And then, once I identify thestory parts, how do I reframe
those through the lens ofpossibility or lessons learned,
so that I can look at that samesituation now without so much
(23:42):
heaviness?
Because if you're putting that,oh, here's all the valuable
lessons I can take away fromthis thing, well, think about
your future now.
Think about the different lensyou put on the decisions you
make around what you want nowbecause you learned those
lessons, or who you are nowbecause you learned those
lessons, or how you show up nowbecause of those lessons.
(24:05):
So that's what I'm talkingabout.
It's not about pretendingsomething didn't happen.
It's not about taking anegative event and saying, oh,
I'm thrilled that this actuallyhappened to me.
For most things that areunfortunate, I don't think
you'll ever get there.
I don't think you have to.
I think you just have to sayyou know what?
There's always something to belearned from the ebbs and flows
(24:25):
of life.
That is actually those ebbs andflows of life, that it's
actually those ebbs and flowsthat form the basis of who we
become and form the lens throughwhich we look at the world.
And hopefully that as we go onthis path of aging and growing
wiser and stuff like that, we'rebeing very intentional about
(24:48):
the lessons that we've learnedand the choices that we've made
and our ways of looking at thosepast experiences so that
they're serving us in the mostpowerful way going forward.
So the biggest thing I want toleave you with is there's value
in doing that, and it'simportant to know that.
(25:09):
There's value in doing that andit's important to know that.
And even now, like as a coach,I have to remind myself
sometimes oh, like this is achoice.
How I'm looking at this is achoice.
Like it's a it's not all fact.
There's a bunch of story, I'vewrapped around this and I've got
to pull that apart, right.
And there's power in catchingyourself doing the story and
(25:32):
then intentionally shifting yourfocus on the things that bother
you, that happen into a morepossibilities oriented or?
What can I learn from this kindof approach that instantly
shifts the energy of the thingand, I think, sets you up to
learn the most and become themost powerful version of who you
(25:52):
are and, honestly, just changeshow you feel every day?
If you're toting the negativeenergy of a ton of negative
experiences from your past, thatis not fun and it is part of
what's weighing down yourpresent.
So if you were to go back andlet's just say pick the top
(26:14):
three things that bother youmost, let's just say your
problem right now is in yourcareer.
Let's look at the top threeworst career experiences from
your perspective.
Walk through the exercise Igave you and do that for all
three of them and at the end ofit, and do that for all three of
(26:35):
them and at the end of it,practice integrating in and in
thinking and believing those newpossibilities oriented things
or new lessons learned things.
I promise you that lightens upand changes everything about how
you look at where you are todayand who you are today and how
you decide to show up tomorrowand some of the ways that you
(26:56):
look at the possibilities foryourself going forward.
Like you don't have to keepliving in this negative,
victimized story of your past.
It is not a requirement.
And you also don't have to denythat the things that happened
in the past happened.
They did happen, right.
(27:16):
But you can intentionallyreshape or reframe your
perspective on those and indoing so, change not only like
how you feel every day and howyou feel about your
possibilities going forward, buthonestly who you think you
really are.
All of that stuff that'snegative and victimized and
shame and guilt and fear andanger.
(27:38):
It attaches to your identity,how you see yourself and who
you're being every day.
And when you decide to go backand take parts of that out, edit
it and shape it into somethingthat doesn't deny that it
happened, it's not delusion,it's just saying, no, I actually
(27:59):
maybe still wish it hadn'thappened, but even though it did
happen, here's what I'm takingfrom it.
This is the best I can takefrom it, and I'm taking that and
the rest of it I'm leavingbehind.
I'm not going to carry with meany longer.
That's going to change thatcoexisting relationship of your
(28:20):
past, present and future.
If you go back and rewrite thosethings from your past, your
present and your future changeas well and there is tremendous
value in that.
So I hope you found thisexercise helpful and, if you
liked it, I hope that you goback and you do that exercise
with three or four or fivethings.
(28:40):
It's worth the time and it canreally change in a very real way
situations that you're in nowbecause you took those lessons,
because you now have this newperspective on some of the past
things that happen, that's morepowerful and going to be more
integrated into the lens you puton things going forward.
(29:03):
It's a super, super wise andpowerful way to look at your
past experiences and it allowsyou to take even some of the
more negative experiences youmight have in relationships or
career whatever and almost getto a place of being grateful,
(29:24):
like maybe not grateful theyhappened, but grateful that
you're able to take lessons fromit that serve you.
It's just such a better energyto live your life in.
So I hope you found thisepisode helpful and I hope you
at least give it a shot, becauseI can promise you it will ease
your burden and you can changeyour past and how you think
(29:45):
about it in very real, tangibleways so that you move forward in
the best possible way, andthat's always a good thing,
especially as we're heading intoclose the year and preparing
for yet another year.
So with that I'll leave youtill next time.
Make it a great week.
My friends, do you have a lifecoach?
(30:21):
If not, I'd be so honored to beyour coach.
I've created a virtual coachingprogram and monthly membership
called Next Level.
Inside we take the material youhear on this podcast, study it
and then apply it.
Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash
next level.
Don't forget the thepurposefulcareercom backslash
(30:42):
next level.
Join me and together we'll makeyour career in life everything
you dream of.
We'll see you there.
This is the Purposeful Career Podcast,
episode number 209.
I'm Carla Hudson, brandstrategist, entrepreneur and
life coach.
Whether you're on the corporateor entrepreneur track, or maybe
both, decades of experience hastaught me that creating success
happens from the inside out.
(00:20):
It's about having the clarity,self-confidence and unstoppable
belief to go after and geteverything you want.
If you'll come with me, I'llshow you how.
Hello friends, I hope you hadan amazing week.
This week's episode is aninteresting one.
(00:43):
By the time we get to mid-careeror mid-life, there's a lot of
things that have happened in ourlife, many of which we wish we
could erase or not haveexperienced, and a lot of times
we think that that's justbaggage that we have to either
carry with us and push down ortry to forget about or whatever.
(01:08):
But we don't really think aboutthe fact that maybe we could
just reposition it, as we wouldsay in marketing, or, as we say
in this episode, rewrite it.
Rewrite the narrative of ourpast experiences, meaning, what
are we making it mean about ourlife, what are we making it mean
(01:29):
about ourselves and maybe evenmore importantly, what are we
making it mean about our futurepossibilities?
So this episode shares somethought leadership from some
leaders in psychology who havedone a lot of research on it and
are talking about how torestructure the narrative of
(01:50):
your past, which I think issuper interesting as we head
into the end of this year andthe start of yet another year,
so enjoy this episode on how torewrite the narrative of your
past.
Episode on how to rewrite thenarrative of your past.
(02:10):
Today, I want to talk about howyou can rewrite your past
narrative.
Now, this is important stuffand maybe a little unusual,
coming from a life coach,because usually what we do is we
take people from where they areright now and focus them
forward on where they want to goand, being very intentional and
purposeful about that.
We have all kinds of tools tohelp them do that.
(02:31):
But I do want to talk about thepast today because it's really
important.
The past and our view of thepast can do a number on us
without us even realizing it.
A lot of us think that thethings that happened in our life
are just true, that they'rejust facts and they are true
(02:51):
about us and there's nothingthat we can do to change them.
But I want to talk about todaythrough a different lens, and
I'm going to start with a quotefrom a famous author.
He's an American writer namedWilliam Faulkner.
If you've read him, his quoteis the past is never dead, it's
not even past.
(03:12):
So that's interesting, right,and you might disagree.
You might be like, wait aminute.
Yes, it is, because as humans,we all experience life in a
linear fashion, like whateverage you are let's say you're 50,
you have 50 years behind youand you think, well, I've got
all these things that happenedin my past, and so you might
(03:33):
disagree with William Faulknerand say it is in my past.
Here's where I want to challengethat perspective, and it's
going to be through the lens ofa scholar and researcher named
Dr Dan McAdams, who has come upwith something called the theory
of narrative identity, and whathe says is that our identity as
(03:56):
a person is actually informedby a combination of our past,
our present and our future.
So, specifically, what heteaches is a way to do that
through the lens of not just apast, but a reconstructed past,
(04:17):
and not just a present, but avery intentionally perceived
present, and not just a futurethat happens at random, but a
purposeful, imagined and createdfuture.
So the lens that we want to puton this today is if in your
mind, your past, your presentand your future are all still
(04:41):
very much alive.
So if people were to tell you,oh, I had these four traumatic
things that happened in mycareer right In my past, and
someone might just say, justforget about it, leave it all in
your past, I would tell youit's not possible, because those
experiences were stored awayand all of the thoughts and
(05:02):
feelings and emotions you haveabout those experiences are
still stored away and they showup every day and become part of
the lens through which you lookat your life, the past, the
present and the future in Dr DanMcAdams' theory which I think
is fascinating is that they'reall existing together.
(05:24):
The past, present and futureare not separate and they're not
linear.
They are all holistic, they'retogether, they're integrated and
they're actually co-occurring.
One is informing another, soit's all very quantum right.
It's like we can't just leavethe past behind.
(05:44):
Therefore, when you're thinkingabout what you want in your
life, or if you're in a place inyour life today where you're
not entirely thrilled with it,part of what's shaping that
perspective is the perspectiveyou have on some of the key
things from your past.
So we all have a mix ofexperiences in our past.
(06:06):
We have positive things thathappened, and I would argue that
if you have really happyassociations with something, you
don't really need to go backand reconstruct that or even
really examine it, becauseyou're carrying with you
positive things from thatexperience.
I would say, though, if youalready have positive things
from an experience, if youwanted to go back and examine it
(06:29):
through the lens that I'm goingto take you with on this call,
you could probably find evenmore things to be positive and
happy about.
So it's not that there's novalue in looking at the good
things that happen in our past,because I do think you could
always find more to be gratefulabout, more to learn from right,
if you're really looking to dothat.
But today, in this episode, I dowant you to look at your past,
(06:51):
and I want you to think of onething that bothers you the most,
and it could be in any area ofyour life that you want to focus
on.
It could be about relationships, it could be about some aspect
of your career, or it could beabout the business that you own,
whatever you want, or yourfinancial health, or whatever it
is, your physical health,whatever Pick, the one thing
(07:13):
that occurred has to be ahappening, so it has to be
something that occurred, becausewe're going to try to look at
it as you do now, and we'regoing to look at it later, in
the episode of how you mightchoose to reframe it or
reconstruct it.
So you might wonder, though,what's the value of that, or you
might even be questioning howcould I even do that?
(07:35):
Because most of us look at thethings that happen in our life
as just a fact.
Just is what it is right, itjust occurred, and it meant
these things.
And now here I am right, so Ican't change that you might be
thinking, but the truth of thematter is you can.
There is a very big differencebetween the facts of what
(08:00):
happened and the meaning youassigned to those facts, and in
our mind because most of usaren't very purposeful about it
those things are combined.
They're in a big ball ofconfusion, right, and we take
the thing that happened and weassign all of this description
to it, and some of it very fewthings about it are facts, and
(08:23):
most of the rest of it is justthe things we've decided to make
that thing mean about us, aboutsomeone else, about the world,
about our future, all of it.
And the truth is, if you goback and you look at the thing
that's bothering you, that Iasked you to think about, and we
choose to reconstruct it in adifferent way, the value of that
(08:47):
is that when you change themeaning of that narrative of the
thing from your past, yousimultaneously also change the
narrative of your present andyour future.
Dan McAdam says it's allhappening at the same time.
So those things that happenedto you in the past that you're
(09:08):
carrying with you today, theyall exist together and they're
informing you how you look atthe world today, and they inform
your view of the future.
So the value of going back toreframe is that you then start
to inform your present and yourfuture in a different way, in a
more constructive and valuableway.
(09:30):
So the part about your past,though, that you can't change is
you cannot change the facts ofa thing.
Let's just pretend that youpicked a layoff right.
You can't change the fact thatyou were laid off.
You were laid off One day youhad a job and the next day you
didn't.
You were laid off right.
It wasn't your choice thathappened.
(09:51):
But you can change the storyyou're telling yourself about
that thing.
This is the worst thing thatever happened to me.
My boss always had it in for me.
This place is a toxic cesspool.
I hate those people.
This isn't fair.
Whatever is coming up for youwhen you think about the thing,
all of the rest of it other thanjust I was laid off from my job
(10:13):
all the rest of it is story,and it's that story part that's
actually causing you the problem.
And most of us aren'tproactively managing that story
right.
It just happens by default.
So something happened.
We, unbeknownst to us, made itmean.
All these things, we actuallythink all those things are true,
(10:35):
even though they're not allfacts and they're not all true.
Most of it's just perception.
They shape how you look atyourself and how you look at the
world.
It's a story and you have tolook at and deconstruct the
story so you get clear onwhether the story of that thing
is serving you.
And I would say, if it'ssomething you look at through
(10:58):
negative light, it's not servingyou.
Right, and do you like thestory and is it getting in your
way?
So that's what we want to do.
So I want to get into theexercise I want to lead you
through.
So what I'd like you to do istake out a pen and paper and I'd
(11:18):
like you to pick one thing.
So many of us have lots ofthings in our past about what
we'd like to change or that wewish hadn't happened, or that we
think about in a negative light.
But just pick one.
It can be in any area, and Iwant you to write it at the top
(11:38):
of the page.
Okay, next, what I want you todo is I want you to do a thought
download on that thing.
So, at the top of the page, Ijust want you to write down what
happened and try to make it asfact-based as possible Got laid
off from job, got a divorce,whatever it is like.
Just write that.
Don't make it this big longparagraph.
Put one sentence or a phraseand just try to get to the facts
(12:01):
of the matter.
And then, when you look at thefacts at the top of the page, I
want you to do a thoughtdownload.
And how you do that is you lookat the thing that you wrote
down, the fact of the thing, andI want you to write everything
that comes up for you when youlook at that, every random
thought, and I want you to doone sentence per line only.
(12:21):
I don't want you to write in abig ongoing paragraph, and the
reason why I'll tell you in aminute.
So I want you to look at thething, do a thought, download
one sentence per line, and Iwant you to keep going until you
run out of things to say.
And then I want you to promptyourself.
(12:42):
Is there anything else?
What else could I do?
I think about this, try tothink about it like wringing all
the water from a dishcloth.
You're trying to get everythought in your mind, everything
that's part of that story, andputting it down on paper so you
can see it.
There's a lot of power in that.
So the next thing I want you todo is I want you to look at the
thing that you wrote down thefact or whatever at the top, and
(13:05):
then I want you to look at allof the sentences, and I want you
to.
When you're looking at thesentences, I want you to be
clear and circle, maybe in adifferent color pen.
What is our highlighter?
What is a fact?
What could you get a jury of 12people random strangers in a
(13:27):
courtroom to agree, is a fact.
If we go to the example of alayoff, probably the only fact
is something that would be I nolonger have my job or I got laid
off.
That's a fact, right?
Everything else?
This is really unfair.
(13:49):
My boss has always hated me.
Everything else this is reallyunfair.
My boss has always hated me.
I'll never find another goodjob.
How am I going to pay my bills?
Like all of the rest of it isnarrative and story.
So I want you to sort factsfrom the narrative.
So just circle the facts,highlight the facts, but
remember the lens on the factsis my boss always hated me.
(14:12):
Even though you might thinkyou've got 10 proof points that
prove that you do not know thatyou are not your boss.
Try to be honest with yourselfand just get to.
If I had to prove this as anattorney, I had to prove this in
court.
Could I making part of yourstory a judgment like my boss
(14:33):
has always hated me, or aninterpretation?
It's not a fact.
You don't know.
You're not your boss.
Even if you think everythingpoints to that, you still don't
know it for sure.
So try to keep your factsdifferent from your narrative.
So you've highlighted yourfacts.
Next thing I want you to do islook at your narrative.
Everything else that's left,that's not highlighted or
circled, is your facts.
Next thing I want you to do islook at your narrative.
(14:53):
Everything else that's left,that's not highlighted or
circled is your narrative.
So in my example, it would bethings like this is really
unfair.
Or I shouldn't have been laidoff, it should have been Penny
who sits next to me, or I'mnever going to get another good
job, or what am I going to donow with my life, or I should
have known this was coming, orwhatever else.
You're telling yourself All ofthat's narrative.
(15:16):
So I want you to look at thenarrative and next to each one
of those things I want you towrite down, when you look at
that narrative line, thatsentence that you were done, I
want you to identify the oneword emotion that it makes you
feel just one word.
So this is so unfair.
It might make you feel angry orsad.
(15:37):
My boss has always hated me.
Might mean that you feel angryor victimhood, right.
Or you might say I got laid offbecause I did bad in that
presentation last week.
Might make you feel angry atyourself, or something like that
.
So go through each one and Iwant you to identify the one
(15:59):
word, emotion.
Write it down just next to thesentence.
So then I want you to look atthe combination of those
thoughts and feelings that youjust did, and I want you to ask
yourself for each one, does thisserve me?
If I believe that this is true,is this the truth?
(16:21):
That's helpful or not?
Probably.
If it's a negative emotion,probably isn't helpful, right?
And then what I want you to lookat is for each one of those
sentences on a separate page, Iwant you to take each sentence
individually and ask yourself ifthere is a more
possibilities-oriented way toreframe it.
(16:45):
So, for example, in the layoffscenario I just took you through
, if one of your thoughts wasthis is really unfair.
What if you just stoppedlooking at it that way and
decided that a morepossibilities-oriented way to
look at it could be this couldlead me to an even better job in
(17:07):
the future, or this frees me upto do something new with my
life, or that, honestly, I wastired of doing this discipline
anyway.
Now I can go look for adifferent type of a job in a new
field, or something like that.
Or if your thought is my bossalways had it in for me.
(17:29):
While that may or may not betrue, we'll never know, because
we're not your boss.
A way you could look at itinstead is to say my boss and I
weren't a great fit and thisgives me a chance to find one.
That is.
Or if you think something likethat as a horrible culture, you
might say this is great becausenow I get to find a culture that
(17:53):
is a better fit for me.
That is a much better way oflooking at something.
It's not as heavy.
It's saying, oh, I may not havewanted this and oh, granted, I
need the income and all thatkind of stuff and I need a job
as soon as I can find one.
But deciding not to stay in avictim mentality or in an anger
(18:18):
mentality is only going tolighten the load and allow you
to see more possibilities inyour life.
So that is a very helpful thingis to say how can I take each
one of those sentences andreframe it into a more
possibilities oriented mentality?
And then I want you to look atit and say this is especially
(18:42):
valuable for the things that arefurther behind us Can be hard
to do this one if it's a recentoccurrence.
But still it's helpful to askyourself what are the things
that I can learn from this?
And that is very helpful.
And for that sometimes it'shelpful to put a lens on looking
(19:05):
at the potential causes of thething.
So if it was a divorce?
Sometimes it's like potentialcauses of the thing, so if it
was a divorce.
Sometimes it's like when youlook at, okay, so the facts of
the thing are now I'm divorced,right, and you're trying to
reframe stuff.
But it's also helpful to go backand say, okay, through the lens
of now, who did I think I wasbeing in that relationship and
(19:28):
what are some of the big lessonsthat I learned coming out of it
around who I am, who my partnerwas, how I showed up, how they
showed up, asking yourself, whatare some lessons that you
learned about who you are, aboutwho you want to be, about
different ways to show up inthat same situation in the
(19:50):
future that might be helpful totake with you, because that
starts to lead you to a placewhere it's not just reframed but
it's through the lens ofgratitude and how that negative
thing actually changed you insome way, because you learned
(20:10):
some more about yourself orabout the world or about people.
That's going to be a lens thatyou can put on your future stuff
.
Those are the ways that youwould take a past situation that
you're not thrilled with andstart to reframe it in a way
(20:31):
that's more possibilitiesoriented and through the lens of
lessons learned that arevaluable to you in the future.
And then the last piece that Iwant you to do is so you looked
at it through the lens ofreframing how could you make it
more possibilities oriented?
And you looked at it throughthe lens of the lessons learned.
I want you to look at it andsay, okay, if those things were
(20:54):
true, the reframing through apossibilities lens and the
lessons learned and then youlook at that same thing again.
So go back to a new page and putlayoff, but don't just think
about, like when you did yourfirst download, you just did it
from a default perspective.
(21:15):
Like how you look at it today,if you could take one of those
new perspectives, newpossibilities oriented
perspectives that you put on itand you looked at that thing
again the divorce, the layoff,whatever it was for you and you
looked at it through that lens,what would those new thoughts
(21:35):
potentially be Like, let's justpretend it was a layoff and your
primary thought was my boss hasalways had it in for me.
But you decided instead to sayyou know what?
Now, when I look at thatspecific layoff, I think this is
actually good, because now Iget to find a boss or a leader
(21:56):
that I have a better connectionor trusting relationship with.
Let's just say that's the newlens.
Now, when you look at thatsituation, if you were to do a
thought download on that throughthe lens of this is the best
thing that could have everhappened to me, because now I
get to find a boss that I trust,or a boss that I look up to, or
a boss that I can learn from,or a boss that I vibe with or
(22:18):
whatever it is.
That's a completely differentthought download that you do.
You might feel things likeexcited or happy or grateful, so
that's a completely differentmood or emotion now that you can
attach to that experience.
(22:39):
It's very different than angeror judgment or fear.
So that's what I mean when I sayrewriting the story of some of
your past.
It's really important to knowthat we're all on a journey and
we're all going to have thingsthat happen to us, that are
(22:59):
things that we want and thingsthat we don't want, and it's
important to know that there'salways a possibility and a real
value in going back andexamining those, not through
just ruminating about it throughdefault lens, but instead to
pull it apart, like the exerciseI walked you through, and say,
(23:20):
okay, what's the differencebetween the facts of the
situation, what's actually juststory that I'm putting on it
right?
And then, once I identify thestory parts, how do I reframe
those through the lens ofpossibility or lessons learned,
so that I can look at that samesituation now without so much
(23:42):
heaviness?
Because if you're putting that,oh, here's all the valuable
lessons I can take away fromthis thing, well, think about
your future now.
Think about the different lensyou put on the decisions you
make around what you want nowbecause you learned those
lessons, or who you are nowbecause you learned those
lessons, or how you show up nowbecause of those lessons.
(24:05):
So that's what I'm talkingabout.
It's not about pretendingsomething didn't happen.
It's not about taking anegative event and saying, oh,
I'm thrilled that this actuallyhappened to me.
For most things that areunfortunate, I don't think
you'll ever get there.
I don't think you have to.
I think you just have to sayyou know what?
There's always something to belearned from the ebbs and flows
(24:25):
of life.
That is actually those ebbs andflows of life, that it's
actually those ebbs and flowsthat form the basis of who we
become and form the lens throughwhich we look at the world.
And hopefully that as we go onthis path of aging and growing
wiser and stuff like that, we'rebeing very intentional about
(24:48):
the lessons that we've learnedand the choices that we've made
and our ways of looking at thosepast experiences so that
they're serving us in the mostpowerful way going forward.
So the biggest thing I want toleave you with is there's value
in doing that, and it'simportant to know that.
(25:09):
There's value in doing that andit's important to know that.
And even now, like as a coach,I have to remind myself
sometimes oh, like this is achoice.
How I'm looking at this is achoice.
Like it's a it's not all fact.
There's a bunch of story, I'vewrapped around this and I've got
to pull that apart, right.
And there's power in catchingyourself doing the story and
(25:32):
then intentionally shifting yourfocus on the things that bother
you, that happen into a morepossibilities oriented or?
What can I learn from this kindof approach that instantly
shifts the energy of the thingand, I think, sets you up to
learn the most and become themost powerful version of who you
(25:52):
are and, honestly, just changeshow you feel every day?
If you're toting the negativeenergy of a ton of negative
experiences from your past, thatis not fun and it is part of
what's weighing down yourpresent.
So if you were to go back andlet's just say pick the top
(26:14):
three things that bother youmost, let's just say your
problem right now is in yourcareer.
Let's look at the top threeworst career experiences from
your perspective.
Walk through the exercise Igave you and do that for all
three of them and at the end ofit, and do that for all three of
(26:35):
them and at the end of it,practice integrating in and in
thinking and believing those newpossibilities oriented things
or new lessons learned things.
I promise you that lightens upand changes everything about how
you look at where you are todayand who you are today and how
you decide to show up tomorrowand some of the ways that you
(26:56):
look at the possibilities foryourself going forward.
Like you don't have to keepliving in this negative,
victimized story of your past.
It is not a requirement.
And you also don't have to denythat the things that happened
in the past happened.
They did happen, right.
(27:16):
But you can intentionallyreshape or reframe your
perspective on those and indoing so, change not only like
how you feel every day and howyou feel about your
possibilities going forward, buthonestly who you think you
really are.
All of that stuff that'snegative and victimized and
shame and guilt and fear andanger.
(27:38):
It attaches to your identity,how you see yourself and who
you're being every day.
And when you decide to go backand take parts of that out, edit
it and shape it into somethingthat doesn't deny that it
happened, it's not delusion,it's just saying, no, I actually
(27:59):
maybe still wish it hadn'thappened, but even though it did
happen, here's what I'm takingfrom it.
This is the best I can takefrom it, and I'm taking that and
the rest of it I'm leavingbehind.
I'm not going to carry with meany longer.
That's going to change thatcoexisting relationship of your
(28:20):
past, present and future.
If you go back and rewrite thosethings from your past, your
present and your future changeas well and there is tremendous
value in that.
So I hope you found thisexercise helpful and, if you
liked it, I hope that you goback and you do that exercise
with three or four or fivethings.
(28:40):
It's worth the time and it canreally change in a very real way
situations that you're in nowbecause you took those lessons,
because you now have this newperspective on some of the past
things that happen, that's morepowerful and going to be more
integrated into the lens you puton things going forward.
(29:03):
It's a super, super wise andpowerful way to look at your
past experiences and it allowsyou to take even some of the
more negative experiences youmight have in relationships or
career whatever and almost getto a place of being grateful,
(29:24):
like maybe not grateful theyhappened, but grateful that
you're able to take lessons fromit that serve you.
It's just such a better energyto live your life in.
So I hope you found thisepisode helpful and I hope you
at least give it a shot, becauseI can promise you it will ease
your burden and you can changeyour past and how you think
(29:45):
about it in very real, tangibleways so that you move forward in
the best possible way, andthat's always a good thing,
especially as we're heading intoclose the year and preparing
for yet another year.
So with that I'll leave youtill next time.
Make it a great week.
My friends, do you have a lifecoach?
(30:21):
If not, I'd be so honored to beyour coach.
I've created a virtual coachingprogram and monthly membership
called Next Level.
Inside we take the material youhear on this podcast, study it
and then apply it.
Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash
next level.
Don't forget the thepurposefulcareercom backslash
(30:42):
next level.
Join me and together we'll makeyour career in life everything
you dream of.
We'll see you there.
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