March 2, 2025 • 42 mins
Are you setting for being comfortable or are you allowing yourself to experience the discomfort of going for what you want?
In this episode, we delve deep into the concept of discomfort and why it’s essential to living your best life (especially at midlife when there so much going on).
I discuss how many individuals inadvertently create lives filled with avoidance, seeking comfort while missing out on opportunities for growth and fulfillment. Through the story of a private coaching client, I showcase how we can identify patterns of behavior that stem from discomfort, which often leads to stagnation in both personal and professional realms.
By confronting our fears and taking on challenges, we enable ourselves to grow. I introduce the "Four-Week Challenge"—a compelling invitation to step beyond the confines of comfort. This show emphasizes that discomfort, though daunting, is a crucial part of the journey toward achieving our true desires.
With practical strategies and engaging insights, the episode encourages listeners to embrace discomfort, prompting meaningful change in their lives. Whether you're stuck in a corporate job or unsure about social engagements, it’s time to challenge your comfort zone. Join me as we explore how leaning into discomfort can lead to tremendous growth and fulfillment. Don’t miss this transformative conversation—let's seek discomfort together! Subscribe, share with a friend, and let's ignite this journey.
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Learn more about Next Level, our monthly membership at https://www.thepurposefulcareer.com/nextlevel.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Purposeful Career Podcast,
episode number 221.
I'm Carla Hudson, brandstrategist, entrepreneur and
life coach.
Whether you're on the corporateor entrepreneur track, or maybe
both, decades of experience hastaught me that creating success
happens from the inside out.
(00:21):
It's about having the clarity,self-confidence and unstoppable
belief to go after and geteverything you want.
If you'll come with me, I'llshow you how.
Hello, my friend, I hope youhad an amazing week.
Today we're going to talk aboutsomething you probably don't
(00:43):
want to talk about, I'm guessingif you're anything like most
people, and that is we're goingto talk about discomfort,
specifically why we should tryto, especially at midlife, get
comfortable with feelinguncomfortable.
And that can be a loaded topic,and I know it.
(01:07):
But I've got some interestingthings to share, some
interesting perspectives toldthrough the lens of one of my
private coaching clients who'sstruggling a little bit with
something in her life, and Ithought you would find it
helpful and that it might helpyou take a look at your own life
(01:28):
and ask yourself some questionsaround what are you avoiding
and why are you avoiding it, andwhat are the behaviors that are
showing up because you'reavoiding it and what is it
holding you back from in yourlife.
(01:49):
What are the behaviors that areshowing up because you're
avoiding it, and what is itholding you back from in your
life?
These avoiding behaviorsdevelop over our life.
There are certain things thatwe are more naturally geared
towards, and there are otherthings that push against who we
innately are.
For me, I've not hidden the factthat earlier on in my career I
did not like public speaking,and I'm not going to lie, I
(02:10):
still don't like it, but nowI'll do it.
And earlier on there wasliterally no way.
We're talking extreme stagefright and a couple of not so
great experiences, and that alladded up to a big blinking red
light, and so I would doanything to avoid it.
We all have those things,whatever they are, in some areas
(02:34):
of our life.
We all have those things thatwe're avoiding.
We have that little voiceinside that's telling us it's
time to try this new thing, butwe don't do it.
Instead, we fill up our day andour life with other things and
then we tell ourselves we don'thave time.
It's just something that we do,and today I want to talk about
(02:56):
why we don't want to live thatway and how we might start
getting comfortable with feelinga little uncomfortable, because
the truth of the matter is itreally is just an emotion that
we're trying to avoid feelingthat feeling of stage fright
that I had earlier in my careerit wasn't real danger.
(03:16):
I wasn't going to die if Istepped my foot on stage and
even if I didn't do well, Istill wasn't going to die.
It would have just made me feeluncomfortable because I
wouldn't have felt like I was atmy best or I didn't fully
express myself in the way Iwanted to.
That's the point that I wantyou to take away today is that
discomfort and running from itand filling our lives with
(03:41):
things that distract us fromhaving to think about the
uncomfortable thing that weactually want to go do but we
won't let ourself go do, iswasting a lot of energy and,
honestly, it's keeping you fromliving your best life.
So enjoy this episode on theimportance of getting
(04:02):
comfortable, feelinguncomfortable.
Today I want to talk aboutsomething that I know we're all
very familiar with and that isdiscomfort, but I want to talk
about it in a way that maybe youhaven't thought about before.
I specialize in mid-career andmidlife, and at midlife
(04:24):
especially, a lot of the choicesthat we start to make in our
life are about our comfort.
They're about being comfortableand staying in our lane.
I'm generalizing.
Obviously some people are morecomfortable putting themselves
out into the world in new ways,but in general it's easy at
(04:48):
midlife, in those years betweenlate 30s and 60.
And even beyond that, it issuper easy to just coast and I
think we can tell ourselves thatby being comfortable we're just
living the good life.
Right, we're sitting in theworld of our accomplishments and
(05:09):
our achievements, and every dayis a day that we feel good in.
But I just want to challengethat thought for a minute and on
this episode, I want to talkabout what I mean by discomfort
and I want to also challengethis idea that many of us have.
(05:31):
I think that when we like tostay comfortable, when we like
to just sit in a phase of lifeor a way of being that feels
better to us, that that's livingthe good life.
I want to challenge you to looka little deeper.
Only you are going to know thisfor sure.
(05:52):
But I want to talk aboutcomfort from the perspective
that there are a couple of typesof discomfort and I want to
challenge this notion of beingcomfortable and I want to talk
about it through a perspectiveof there's discomfort for many
of us when we get toocomfortable.
(06:14):
I know that sounds a littleweird, but it's true Maybe not
for everyone, but I think formany of us.
And so this came up for me todaybecause I was coaching a client
and she was talking about areasof her life where she feels
very actualized, where she feelslike she really had these
dreams and she went for them andjust practiced this continual
(06:41):
self-evolution of puttingherself out into the world in
new ways and trying new things.
And she's made a lot of careermoves that were unusual and it's
brought her to this place where, in that part of her life, she
feels very actualized.
She feels like I said I wantedto do these things and I did
(07:02):
them.
I did what it took to make themhappen.
I was uncomfortable most of thetime and look where it's
brought me.
But at the same time, shedescribes another part of her
life, which is her personal life, and she feels very stuck and,
(07:24):
as we've spent a couple ofmonths getting into it, the
truth of the matter is that shefeels stuck because she has done
the opposite in this part ofher personal life, which is
really about relationships.
She has kind of retreated andshe's stayed in her comfort zone
(07:47):
and she hasn't practiced thesame discipline of putting
herself out there, ofchallenging herself to do things
that were uncomfortable or tomake decisions that were bold,
maybe around parts of her lifethat weren't serving her and she
(08:09):
wasn't really even connectedwith the fact that that part of
her life wasn't serving her.
She was telling herself thatshe was just comfortable, you
know, and she was kind ofenjoying being more at peace and
in the zone of her life.
But the truth of the matter isthat really she was hiding a
(08:31):
little bit from problems thatexisted in the relationship part
of her life and didn't do whatshe.
Probably, if she had a clearerperspective on it, as we think
about it now, she wishes thatearlier on she'd practiced the
(08:51):
same amount of discipline inbeing uncomfortable, in making
uncomfortable decisions, indoing some uncomfortable things,
and she feels like if she haddone that in the same way that
she did it in her career, thatshe would be in a place in her
personal relationships and herpersonal life that looked a
(09:13):
little more like what she wanted.
So this idea that sometimes wetell ourselves that we're
comfortable, but really we'rejust avoiding the discomfort of
having to do things that feelhard or that we don't feel good
(09:35):
at or that we're honestly justnot comfortable with, and so we
stay in that zone and we cankind of stay stuck.
Like I know, a lot of myclients that I've coached in the
corporate realm are very quoteunquote comfortable in their
jobs.
But if you dig deeper into that, they've been doing the same
(09:58):
thing for 15 years and they'rebored.
You know they're really bored.
They'd love to do somethingelse.
But they tell themselves all ofthese reasons why they just
can't do that, why it's not agood idea.
A lot of them will use theirfamily as an excuse oh, there's
no other opportunities for me inthis place where I live and I
(10:19):
just can't make a big changelike that.
It'll be too disruptive to myfamily, right?
Or they'll say I'm at an agenow where no one's going to want
to hire me, or there's allkinds of stories we tell
ourselves.
But the truth of the matter isthat by avoiding trying, by
avoiding putting ourselves outinto the world in some way
(10:42):
whether it's in our career or inour personal life the world in
some way, whether it's in ourcareer or in our personal life.
We have to go a little bitdeeper and ask ourselves what we
really want.
Are we in this place, inwhatever section of our life
we're talking about?
Are we where we are becausethat's where we want to be?
Or are we where we are becausewe are comfortable, meaning we
(11:08):
feel better, because we feelsafe, because we're not
stretching ourselves and puttingourselves out into the world?
And one of the ways that youcan identify whether you're
where you are because that'swhere you truly want to be or
whether you're where you arebecause you're operating from
(11:32):
fear.
You're trying to avoid beinguncomfortable by doing something
, by putting yourself out intothe world in a new way or trying
something new that you mightnot be entirely sure you know
how to do.
One of the ways to know is bylooking at your patterns of
(11:53):
behavior, the things that you do.
A lot of times I talk on thispodcast about getting in touch
with what you're thinking, but Iknow sometimes it's tricky,
right, even for coaches.
I coach myself every day, doself-coaching, and sometimes it
takes me talking to anothercoach to get coaching from the
(12:14):
outside to really see what'sgoing on in my brain.
So your brain can be a trickything, even when you're trying
to practice the discipline ofself-coaching and getting in
touch with it.
One of the best ways to knowwhether your thoughts and your
decisions are serving you or notis by looking at some of the
(12:37):
behaviors in your life.
Right?
So for this person that I'mcoaching, like back to her story
for a minute, because bytalking about her it might help
you understand how to look atsome of the behaviors in your
own life.
She told herself that she justwasn't ready to make some of the
(12:58):
tougher decisions that shewanted to make, that she just
wasn't ready to do anything withher personal life yet when she
talked to me about it, shealways said well, yet, that's a
clue too, right.
But what does yet mean?
It means you really wantsomething new, but you're just
too afraid to do it Really.
(13:19):
You're avoiding it, you'rehiding from it, you're running
from it, you're resisting it.
That's where the yet comes fromright.
And as we got into it, she sawthat because we really examined
some of the behaviors that shewas demonstrating in her off
hours and even a little bit ofwork.
(13:40):
But in her off hours from work,if she was truly actualized in
the personal part of her life.
If the things looked the wayshe wanted it to look, she would
be able to fully live her lifein a way that was aligned with
what she wants, or a healthylife, but really a healthy life.
(14:09):
But really her personal lifewas full of behaviors, which is
a clue, because we know thatyour actions come from your
emotions and your emotions comefrom what you're thinking.
So if you're not in touch withwhat you're thinking, or if some
of the you know, if yourbrain's moving too fast, or if
some of the truths of your lifeare deeper and a little harder
to get at sometimes, it takessometimes a lot of coaching or
(14:31):
therapy to really get into thelayers of what's going on with
us.
It was very apparent that thingsweren't going right for her or
the way she wanted in herpersonal life because of the
behavior she was exhibiting, andsome of those behaviors for her
were she would lose hours atnight just vegging out in front
(14:58):
of Netflix or Max or some of theother you know, amazons, many
of the channels and there'snothing wrong with, like,
enjoying a good movie orwhatever, but when it's every
night, all night, and you'rebinge watching by yourself
instead of getting out into theworld and interacting with
(15:20):
people and living your life.
That is a sign that you'reavoiding something right?
Another one was her drinkingpatterns.
She would do that extensivevegging out while sipping wine,
(15:41):
like she didn't see herself ashaving a drinking problem.
She never blacked out or gotdrunk, but she drank a lot
consistently by herself.
Right, and that's another signof I love a glass of wine.
But, like, if that becomes yousoothing these emotions, you're
(16:02):
trying to hide from the thingsthat you really want because
you're avoiding putting yourselfout into the world.
Both of those behaviors thoseany over-consumption behavior,
overeating, binge eating, eatingcertain types of foods in
excess all of that is reallywhat I call a consumption
(16:22):
behavior and you've got to knowwhy are you doing that.
You're doing that becauseyou're trying to soothe yourself
.
And you're trying to sootheyourself because really you're
uncomfortable, you're afraid,you're having some sort of
negative emotion.
It's either fear or it's regret, or it's sadness.
(16:44):
It's some kind of emotion onthe negative end of the spectrum
.
So if you're ever wondering whyyou're doing these things that
you know you shouldn't do, thatyou don't really want to do,
it's because you're trying tosoothe yourself, right?
So in her case, she was doingthose things and telling herself
(17:06):
she just enjoyed it, right, andshe was just doing it for now
because work is too busy.
And she had all these excuses.
You know, work is too busy andwhen I come home I just want to
veg out.
I don't want to put myself outthere.
I live in the city, I don'tknow anyone.
I don't want to go, have tojoin things, I don't want to
have to go on the dating apps tomeet someone.
I just don't want to deal withit right now.
(17:27):
I'm just going to adjust tothis job.
You know, the truth is she'sbeen in the job for a couple of
years.
She's been in the city for acouple of years.
Granted, she's moved a lot andgranted, if I said more about
her personal life in the past,yeah, she's had some
relationships that didn't go theway she wanted.
So, really, where we're gettingto is that she was telling
(17:52):
herself she was just comfortablewith these behaviors in her
personal life Because, you know,she was just busy right now at
work or whatever.
But the truth of the matter isthat she was just hiding from
the discomfort of having to facewhere she really is in her life
(18:15):
right now, which is settled into a new job that she likes, in
a new city that she's not sureabout, in a new city that she's
not sure about, and she justhasn't done the hard work of
really building a life in thatcity.
This is something I can relateto.
I think I've said before in thispodcast, I have moved with my
(18:37):
career and transfers and newjobs, and so I have moved.
I don't I have lost literally.
I'd have to think for a minute.
I've lost count.
I think it's like 14 times and,if I'm honest with myself,
every move that I made theearlier moves were easy, like
they were an adventure, andsometimes it's combined with
(19:00):
your state of mind as well asthe environment of the city.
Every city has a vibe.
That's my take from living in14 places.
They're different and sometimesyou vibe with a place more than
others, but the truth is, Ibelieve you can build a life
wherever you are.
But like for me to put it intomy own life for a minute, you
(19:21):
know earlier on when I first hitthat hotspot in my career where
I was just like people werecalling all the time and I was
like moving and doing all thisstuff.
I was just in adventure mode.
I was about I was a hundredpercent uncomfortable all the
time and I was really on fire.
It was a great period of mylife.
It was fun and adventurous andit was kind of a time period
(19:47):
where I thought anything wasreally possible.
Now, of course, there wereperiods or there were places in
my life where I still could haveoptimized, like I think I've
told you, I definitely haveavoided other types of being
uncomfortable, like speaking onlarge stages and things like
that, and I had manyopportunities to do that and I
just said no.
So I'm not saying I was a totaladventurer, but in many ways I
really was.
(20:07):
And in my personal life I couldrelate to my client a little bit
.
I had to struggle to kind ofhold space for her and not
enable her thinking, because Iactually understood exactly what
she was saying, because I haddone the same thing.
Like earlier on, I definitelydove into both a new job, a new
city and meeting people andsocializing, like I was all in
(20:32):
on both sides and then graduallyI don't know when it was, maybe
it was when I got to the sevenor 10 city mark?
I don't know.
I just thought this is really.
This is exhausting.
It's hard enough, the higher upyou go, to drop yourself into a
new culture and you know as aleader and do the things you
need to do in that business fromthe outside, where you don't
(20:55):
have a big network inside thecompany, it's hard to be a new
leader at that level.
I can appreciate, like, how shefelt when she first got there,
because she's a very seniorlevel executive.
It's tough, you know, and noone has your back and certain
types of companies are morepolitical than others and they
can be a little dangerousbackstabbing.
(21:17):
You've got to be careful, right, and you're trying to drive
change or do something new.
I'm not going to say that'seasy, like I've lived that world
and it's not easy, but byturning off completely her
aspirations in her personal life, which I honestly think many of
(21:37):
us do at midlife.
This may not be you, but I knowit was me for a long time and I
know many other people who aredoing that, people who haven't
moved as many times as I have.
It's just easy to say I justdon't feel like it.
I don't want to put myself outthere again.
I don't want to go through allof that.
I don't want to experience allof the feelings I'm going to
(22:00):
have to feel if I walk into thenetworking event as a new
entrepreneur.
I don't want to accept thespeaking engagement and stand up
on stage and have, you know,500 sets of eyes staring at me,
you know, while I try toremember what to say.
I don't want to go on thedating app and meet the people
that I don't want to meet.
I don't want to go on the baddate.
(22:22):
I don't want to fall in loveand have the person leave me or
have the other person fall inlove and have to leave them
right.
I don't want to go to theneighborhood bunco game and try
to meet 25 women who are alreadyfriends and try to indoctrinate
(22:42):
myself into that, which is whatmy client was saying.
I don't want to have to justwander around through life alone
and try to plug in right.
And this can happen for manyreasons, like maybe you were
married for 30 years and yourhusband left, or your wife left,
or maybe passed away, orsomething happened and now you
(23:04):
find yourself alone, childrenare grown, or maybe, like me,
you don't have children.
Life changes for all of us,either through the choices we
make like me or my client, whereyou're kind of trying to
actualize and you're moving andyou're allowing yourself to be
very uncomfortable and embraceit in one part of your life, but
in other parts of your lifemaybe you're shutting down and
(23:26):
you're soothing yourself andyou're isolating yourself and
you're hiding or escaping fromreally what your true
aspirations are Like.
What she really wants is anactive social life.
She hasn't gone so far assaying she wants a personal
relationship again with a man,but she definitely wants to meet
(23:50):
friends on the local level andshe has not done that.
She's got work friends, but forher she doesn't want to blend
those two worlds.
She really wants to havefriends outside of her work.
So I don't know if what I'msaying resonates with you.
If you're at midlife or midcareer, I challenge you on
(24:16):
either side of the equation,whether it's on the career track
or in the personal realm.
I want you to look at notnecessarily your thoughts,
because I think they can betricky sometimes in this area.
You can tell yourself no, no,this is exactly what I want,
this is what I want to do.
I want you to look at yourbehaviors.
For example, if you're in thecorporate realm and you've been
(24:40):
in this job for a while and youhaven't really put yourself out
there in a new way at work ortried to find another job or
asked for the raise or whatever,I just want you to look at just
how do you feel every day whenyou get up and get ready for
work.
Like, how do you think about it?
Are you excited about thethings you're going to do or do
(25:03):
you just think, oh, I wouldrather like jab a pen in my eye,
you know, like what are youthinking?
And when you're at work, whatare you doing?
Are you all in every day doingthe best you can because you've
got interesting hard things thatstretch you, or are you bored
(25:27):
and unmoved?
Do you spend your time surfingthe internet or looking for ways
to slough off a little bit, orare you a snacker at work?
Are you feeding or soothingyour boredom at work with food,
with the candy on the desk orthe candy left in the lunchroom
(25:48):
or whatever?
You know?
That's one way to get in touchwith it.
Are you hiding from your dreamsof leaving the comfortable
corporate job and starting yourown business, which is such a
huge trend in today's world andit's something that I help
people with.
I understand this dream.
(26:10):
I'm kind of in a weird place inthat I still love what I do in
corporate and I'm standing atthis business.
I've got two passions pullingat me, but I've allowed myself
to go after them both and Ifigure I'll know the right time
when it's time to choose oneversus the other.
Are you hiding from thataspiration versus the other?
(26:34):
Are you hiding from thataspiration Right?
Are you not using your offhours to build structure around
that business plan, but insteadsurfing the internet or
Facebooking or Instagramming orwatching other budding
entrepreneurs and dreaming thatsomeday that'll be you making
yourself feel better by allowingyourself to watch other people
versus doing it yourself andfeeling uncomfortable about that
?
Right?
You're telling yourself thingslike it's too dangerous to put
(26:57):
yourself out there, because youknow you have a corporate job
and you're visible in yourcorporate job.
You know, are you doingbehaviors that are causing you
more angst?
Because when you don'tacknowledge what you really want
and allow yourself to go afterit, that's when the real angst,
(27:17):
I think, begins.
Like it's one thing to beuncomfortable, it's definitely
doesn't feel great when youfirst get used to doing it.
You know you feel angstful, youfeel fearful, you feel awkward
doing things in any part of yourlife that you're not
comfortable doing.
That you aren't sure is a greatidea, you know.
(27:40):
But the more you do it, themore comfortable you get with
being uncomfortable.
I think I read somewherethere's a Navy SEAL saying like
get comfortable with beinguncomfortable.
I think I read somewherethere's a Navy SEAL saying like
get comfortable with beinguncomfortable.
I don't know if that's true ornot, but I think it's true that
that's the way to live life.
We have this life right now,and do you want to live it
(28:06):
partially?
Do you want to live it in a waythat is I don't want to say
lazy, but just where you're notgiving it your all?
This is your life.
Like, wouldn't you rather liveit from a place of every day
you're doing something that'skind of new, that's putting
yourself out into the world in adifferent way.
(28:26):
It doesn't have to mean blowinganything up.
You can just walk into worktomorrow with a new frame of
mind, asking for a newassignment, doing something in a
new way, putting your point ofview out into a meeting in a
different way, carrying yourselfdifferently, pulling yourself
(28:48):
together differently in justyour physical presentation to
the world.
Why settle for being comfortable?
I do think it's settling.
I think we lie to ourselves andtell ourselves it feels good
when in reality, sometimes thereare parts of our life where we
(29:08):
want something different andwe're not allowing ourself to go
get it because we have all ofthese excuses that we're not
necessarily even in touch with,because what we're trying to do
is we're trying to avoid beingafraid, we're trying to avoid
rejection, we're trying to avoidjudgment, we're trying to avoid
(29:29):
failure.
And so we tell ourselves I'mjust comfortable here, I'm going
to stay in my zone and I wantto challenge you today.
What if you challenged yourselffor the next month that you
were going to show up in yourlife in a new way, in some way
(29:49):
every week, like how could youstart to move more towards what
you want?
So if you want to get thepromotion, how do you show up
every day, every week, for thenext four weeks in a different
way?
Or people at the end of thattime would look at you and say,
wow, different way.
Or people at the end of thattime would look at you and say,
(30:11):
wow, you're really, you know,you're really on right now, you
know.
Or if it's in your personallife, like my client, what could
you do every week for the nextfour weeks?
That would start to put youinto situations where you're
(30:31):
meeting people that you want tosocialize with, that you'd like
to become acquainted with,hoping to find your peeps, like,
how could you do that?
There are ways to do it, youjust have to try, right?
There are apps.
I think there's a Bumble.
I mean, there's a dating partof that, but I think there's a
or at least there used to beanyway.
I think there's a part of thatapp where you can actually try
(30:53):
to meet friends Greatopportunity for a new city
meetups, right.
Networking groups, church groupsif you're into the religious
thing, neighborhood groups,right.
There are all kinds of things.
I enjoy fiction writing.
I belong to two writers clubslocally, like.
There's things like that.
There's all kinds of hobbies,right, get in touch with it.
(31:15):
Take knitting lessons, takephotography lessons, like, do
something that you're interestedin and that will be a way that
you meet people.
Or, if you want to move fromwhat you're doing now into
running your own business, builda plan and start working on the
plan.
Like, if you're not sure how todo it, join a group, go to
(31:39):
networking events, buy a course,follow the course, do the
things and put yourself out intothe world gradually in a new
way.
I think if you did that for onemonth and you allowed yourself,
every single time you wanted tobe uncomfortable and not do it
and wanted to avoid it.
If, instead, you did it andjust said, hey, listen, I'm
(32:02):
probably going to beuncomfortable, it's okay, it's
okay If I feel that way.
I'm not going to feel that waythe entire time.
I'm just going to feel that waywalking through the door or
starting up the conversation orwhatever.
The thing is that you have todo, doing the live Instagram or
whatever it is.
It's like just do it, do it andsee by the end of that time
(32:25):
period how much easier it is tofeel uncomfortable.
You know you don't, after awhile, even think about it.
Like I remember the first timethat I moved across country and
really away from the Midwest.
It was scary, you know.
(32:46):
I didn't know anybody where Iwas and I wasn't even 100% sure
that I was going to like the job, and what I learned was it was
fun to see a different part ofthe country.
It was fun to get the vibe ofthe city.
It was fun to meet a couple ofwomen to have cocktails or
(33:09):
dinner with and get to know thema little bit, that were so
different and had been raised sodifferent, had a different life
than the life that I knew, backwhere I was.
The life that I knew back whereI was and that great experience
very quickly turned into animmediate maybe and many times a
(33:30):
yes, when recruiters wouldreach out with new opportunities
.
I was no longer scared.
I was like all in.
I moved to places I thought I'dnever want to live and loved
living there.
Like I think I've said before ina podcast, like somebody called
me for an opportunity inPhiladelphia earlier on in those
days and I wasn't sure I'dnever been to Philadelphia, it
(33:51):
never seemed like a place that Ishould live.
But I visited there for the youknow the one of the final
interviews and I have to tellyou like I fell in love and I
lived there for a year and I'dprobably still be there.
But that company thentransferred me to Charlotte.
(34:11):
They were moving a base oftheir operations to Charlotte
and I resisted it.
I did not want to leavePhiladelphia, right.
And then I went to Charlotteand I love that too.
So those experiences taught methis is fun, you know.
So from then on I was all in.
But that's really what it's allabout is.
(34:34):
It's about just doing it forthe first time, letting yourself
feel uncomfortable, and notdoing anything to buffer that,
not doing anything to take theedge off of that discomfort,
just to say, hey, I feeluncomfortable and that's okay.
That is okay.
Better to have the discomfortof actualizing, of allowing
(34:59):
yourself to grow towards thething that you want, and feeling
the discomfort that goes alongwith putting yourself out into
the world in new ways.
Then the discomfort of notdoing that and instead of
feeling the discomfort of goingfor it, you're trying to comfort
(35:20):
yourself by doing all thebehaviors that we do in the
modern world, theoverconsumption behaviors, and
there's many types gambling,pornography, food, alcohol,
drugs, even just TV.
There are all kinds of thingswe do to make ourselves feel
(35:42):
comfortable because really we'reuncomfortable, because we're
hiding from the things that wereally want, or we're not making
the changes we need to make, orin some way we're trying to
just avoid those negativeemotions.
So that's what I mean by thetwo types of discomfort.
My client and I are stillworking through this, but I have
(36:05):
given her that challenge, thefour week challenge of do
something new every week andchallenge yourself in ways that
are meaningful to you, notrandom things.
Do something that's reallygoing to make you uncomfortable
because it's meaningful to you,not random things.
Do something that's reallygoing to make you uncomfortable
because it's meaningful to you.
(36:25):
Like for her, she really wantsto increase her social circle,
so it doesn't necessarily haveto mean going on the dating apps
because she hasn't really gonethere yet with me.
It's like, okay, well, let'sjust say you want to meet other
people to socialize with asfriends.
Let's start figuring out whatare the ways that you could do
that and identify a set ofthings and then just take it one
(36:49):
at a time over the next fourweeks and just know, when you
walk in the room you're going tofeel super, super uncomfortable
and let that be okay.
And you probably will meet alot of people that don't vibe
with you, but you're going tomeet eventually the ones that do
.
(37:09):
And that's how it's done, alittle bit at a time, and the
last thing that I'll leave youwith is the more you do this,
the more you allow yourself toget clear on the things that you
really want and then to go dothose things wherever they are
in your life and to feeluncomfortable with doing them.
(37:30):
The more comfortable you'll getwith being uncomfortable.
And I think, like if discomfortis a spectrum of zero to a
hundred, the less uncomfortableyou even feel, because it's
probably what the Navy SEALthing is about.
It's like the more you getcomfortable with being
uncomfortable, the lessuncomfortable you actually get.
(37:53):
Do it, the drama, the minddrama, the resistance, the fear,
the angstful all the stuff justkind of diminishes in intensity
and you're able to walk throughyour life in a way that's very
meaningful and in a way thatallows you to be very actualized
(38:18):
, and isn't that a better lifethan hiding from it?
I just don't think comfortableis a great thing.
Probably even with the parts ofour life that we really like,
like if we really have a greatmarriage or whatever.
Do we really want to just getcomfortable?
I don't think so.
I think we should always begrowing and trying new things
(38:43):
and growing together.
Like that would probably be thechallenge you know with.
That is okay.
Well, how do we keep makingthis even better.
Do we just want to coast withour life or with our
relationships or with our career?
I don't think so.
Always be heading towardsexcellence, always be heading
towards actualization andstaying in tune with the areas
(39:06):
of your life that aren't exactlythe way you want, and giving
yourself permission to go aftersomething new and letting it be
okay that it's a littleuncomfortable.
It be okay that it's a littleuncomfortable, and I think it's
kind of like going to the gym.
You know the first week or twois kind of miserable if you
(39:29):
haven't done it for a while, butthose muscles get stronger and
pretty soon.
That's something you lookforward to.
And that's kind of where I gotto with all the change in my
life.
I saw it as a big adventure andI got judged by a lot of people
.
They're like are you ever goingto stop moving and doing stuff?
And I have.
I've been in Dallas for 10years, but listen, I'm sure I'm
(39:51):
not done moving yet.
I'm not sure this is where Iwant to be forever.
It's a nice city, but for me,when I think about that, I think
about like, hey, where do Iwant to go?
There's zero discomfort.
It's just like, let's pick aplace and let's do it.
But for now I'm trying to bevery purposeful and I have a
corporate job that keeps me here, so it's totally fine because I
like Dallas, just fine.
(40:13):
But my point is pay attention tohow comfortable you've allowed
yourself to get in all thedifferent areas of your life
relationships, your job, yourweight, your image, all of it,
everything and just ask yourselfdo you want to stay there or do
(40:36):
you want to start pushingyourself a little bit in a
healthy way?
If so, take the four weekchallenge, like I've challenged
my client to do.
Allow yourself to do somethingthat makes you uncomfortable
every week, but make sure it'ssomething that's meaningful to
you, not just something random,not something easy.
(40:59):
Make it be something that youreally want and that's
meaningful.
Identify something you can dothat's new and that pushes you a
little bit, and then go do it.
I think you'll find when youfinish the month, it doesn't
feel so uncomfortable anymoreand maybe that thing that you
really want is starting to comeinto fruition in your life.
(41:20):
So that is what I wanted totalk about today and until next
time, make it a great week.
My friends, do you have a lifecoach.
If not, I'd be so honored to beyour coach.
(41:41):
I've created a virtual coachingprogram and monthly membership
called Next Level.
Inside we take the material youhear on this podcast, study it
and then apply it.
Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash
next level.
Don't forget the the purposefulcareercom backslash next level.
(42:06):
Join me and together we'll makeyour career in life Everything
you dream of.
We'll see you there.
This is the Purposeful Career Podcast,
episode number 221.
I'm Carla Hudson, brandstrategist, entrepreneur and
life coach.
Whether you're on the corporateor entrepreneur track, or maybe
both, decades of experience hastaught me that creating success
happens from the inside out.
(00:21):
It's about having the clarity,self-confidence and unstoppable
belief to go after and geteverything you want.
If you'll come with me, I'llshow you how.
Hello, my friend, I hope youhad an amazing week.
Today we're going to talk aboutsomething you probably don't
(00:43):
want to talk about, I'm guessingif you're anything like most
people, and that is we're goingto talk about discomfort,
specifically why we should tryto, especially at midlife, get
comfortable with feelinguncomfortable.
And that can be a loaded topic,and I know it.
(01:07):
But I've got some interestingthings to share, some
interesting perspectives toldthrough the lens of one of my
private coaching clients who'sstruggling a little bit with
something in her life, and Ithought you would find it
helpful and that it might helpyou take a look at your own life
(01:28):
and ask yourself some questionsaround what are you avoiding
and why are you avoiding it, andwhat are the behaviors that are
showing up because you'reavoiding it and what is it
holding you back from in yourlife.
(01:49):
What are the behaviors that areshowing up because you're
avoiding it, and what is itholding you back from in your
life?
These avoiding behaviorsdevelop over our life.
There are certain things thatwe are more naturally geared
towards, and there are otherthings that push against who we
innately are.
For me, I've not hidden the factthat earlier on in my career I
did not like public speaking,and I'm not going to lie, I
(02:10):
still don't like it, but nowI'll do it.
And earlier on there wasliterally no way.
We're talking extreme stagefright and a couple of not so
great experiences, and that alladded up to a big blinking red
light, and so I would doanything to avoid it.
We all have those things,whatever they are, in some areas
(02:34):
of our life.
We all have those things thatwe're avoiding.
We have that little voiceinside that's telling us it's
time to try this new thing, butwe don't do it.
Instead, we fill up our day andour life with other things and
then we tell ourselves we don'thave time.
It's just something that we do,and today I want to talk about
(02:56):
why we don't want to live thatway and how we might start
getting comfortable with feelinga little uncomfortable, because
the truth of the matter is itreally is just an emotion that
we're trying to avoid feelingthat feeling of stage fright
that I had earlier in my careerit wasn't real danger.
(03:16):
I wasn't going to die if Istepped my foot on stage and
even if I didn't do well, Istill wasn't going to die.
It would have just made me feeluncomfortable because I
wouldn't have felt like I was atmy best or I didn't fully
express myself in the way Iwanted to.
That's the point that I wantyou to take away today is that
discomfort and running from itand filling our lives with
(03:41):
things that distract us fromhaving to think about the
uncomfortable thing that weactually want to go do but we
won't let ourself go do, iswasting a lot of energy and,
honestly, it's keeping you fromliving your best life.
So enjoy this episode on theimportance of getting
(04:02):
comfortable, feelinguncomfortable.
Today I want to talk aboutsomething that I know we're all
very familiar with and that isdiscomfort, but I want to talk
about it in a way that maybe youhaven't thought about before.
I specialize in mid-career andmidlife, and at midlife
(04:24):
especially, a lot of the choicesthat we start to make in our
life are about our comfort.
They're about being comfortableand staying in our lane.
I'm generalizing.
Obviously some people are morecomfortable putting themselves
out into the world in new ways,but in general it's easy at
(04:48):
midlife, in those years betweenlate 30s and 60.
And even beyond that, it issuper easy to just coast and I
think we can tell ourselves thatby being comfortable we're just
living the good life.
Right, we're sitting in theworld of our accomplishments and
(05:09):
our achievements, and every dayis a day that we feel good in.
But I just want to challengethat thought for a minute and on
this episode, I want to talkabout what I mean by discomfort
and I want to also challengethis idea that many of us have.
(05:31):
I think that when we like tostay comfortable, when we like
to just sit in a phase of lifeor a way of being that feels
better to us, that that's livingthe good life.
I want to challenge you to looka little deeper.
Only you are going to know thisfor sure.
(05:52):
But I want to talk aboutcomfort from the perspective
that there are a couple of typesof discomfort and I want to
challenge this notion of beingcomfortable and I want to talk
about it through a perspectiveof there's discomfort for many
of us when we get toocomfortable.
(06:14):
I know that sounds a littleweird, but it's true Maybe not
for everyone, but I think formany of us.
And so this came up for me todaybecause I was coaching a client
and she was talking about areasof her life where she feels
very actualized, where she feelslike she really had these
dreams and she went for them andjust practiced this continual
(06:41):
self-evolution of puttingherself out into the world in
new ways and trying new things.
And she's made a lot of careermoves that were unusual and it's
brought her to this place where, in that part of her life, she
feels very actualized.
She feels like I said I wantedto do these things and I did
(07:02):
them.
I did what it took to make themhappen.
I was uncomfortable most of thetime and look where it's
brought me.
But at the same time, shedescribes another part of her
life, which is her personal life, and she feels very stuck and,
(07:24):
as we've spent a couple ofmonths getting into it, the
truth of the matter is that shefeels stuck because she has done
the opposite in this part ofher personal life, which is
really about relationships.
She has kind of retreated andshe's stayed in her comfort zone
(07:47):
and she hasn't practiced thesame discipline of putting
herself out there, ofchallenging herself to do things
that were uncomfortable or tomake decisions that were bold,
maybe around parts of her lifethat weren't serving her and she
(08:09):
wasn't really even connectedwith the fact that that part of
her life wasn't serving her.
She was telling herself thatshe was just comfortable, you
know, and she was kind ofenjoying being more at peace and
in the zone of her life.
But the truth of the matter isthat really she was hiding a
(08:31):
little bit from problems thatexisted in the relationship part
of her life and didn't do whatshe.
Probably, if she had a clearerperspective on it, as we think
about it now, she wishes thatearlier on she'd practiced the
(08:51):
same amount of discipline inbeing uncomfortable, in making
uncomfortable decisions, indoing some uncomfortable things,
and she feels like if she haddone that in the same way that
she did it in her career, thatshe would be in a place in her
personal relationships and herpersonal life that looked a
(09:13):
little more like what she wanted.
So this idea that sometimes wetell ourselves that we're
comfortable, but really we'rejust avoiding the discomfort of
having to do things that feelhard or that we don't feel good
(09:35):
at or that we're honestly justnot comfortable with, and so we
stay in that zone and we cankind of stay stuck.
Like I know, a lot of myclients that I've coached in the
corporate realm are very quoteunquote comfortable in their
jobs.
But if you dig deeper into that, they've been doing the same
(09:58):
thing for 15 years and they'rebored.
You know they're really bored.
They'd love to do somethingelse.
But they tell themselves all ofthese reasons why they just
can't do that, why it's not agood idea.
A lot of them will use theirfamily as an excuse oh, there's
no other opportunities for me inthis place where I live and I
(10:19):
just can't make a big changelike that.
It'll be too disruptive to myfamily, right?
Or they'll say I'm at an agenow where no one's going to want
to hire me, or there's allkinds of stories we tell
ourselves.
But the truth of the matter isthat by avoiding trying, by
avoiding putting ourselves outinto the world in some way
(10:42):
whether it's in our career or inour personal life the world in
some way, whether it's in ourcareer or in our personal life.
We have to go a little bitdeeper and ask ourselves what we
really want.
Are we in this place, inwhatever section of our life
we're talking about?
Are we where we are becausethat's where we want to be?
Or are we where we are becausewe are comfortable, meaning we
(11:08):
feel better, because we feelsafe, because we're not
stretching ourselves and puttingourselves out into the world?
And one of the ways that youcan identify whether you're
where you are because that'swhere you truly want to be or
whether you're where you arebecause you're operating from
(11:32):
fear.
You're trying to avoid beinguncomfortable by doing something
, by putting yourself out intothe world in a new way or trying
something new that you mightnot be entirely sure you know
how to do.
One of the ways to know is bylooking at your patterns of
(11:53):
behavior, the things that you do.
A lot of times I talk on thispodcast about getting in touch
with what you're thinking, but Iknow sometimes it's tricky,
right, even for coaches.
I coach myself every day, doself-coaching, and sometimes it
takes me talking to anothercoach to get coaching from the
(12:14):
outside to really see what'sgoing on in my brain.
So your brain can be a trickything, even when you're trying
to practice the discipline ofself-coaching and getting in
touch with it.
One of the best ways to knowwhether your thoughts and your
decisions are serving you or notis by looking at some of the
(12:37):
behaviors in your life.
Right?
So for this person that I'mcoaching, like back to her story
for a minute, because bytalking about her it might help
you understand how to look atsome of the behaviors in your
own life.
She told herself that she justwasn't ready to make some of the
(12:58):
tougher decisions that shewanted to make, that she just
wasn't ready to do anything withher personal life yet when she
talked to me about it, shealways said well, yet, that's a
clue too, right.
But what does yet mean?
It means you really wantsomething new, but you're just
too afraid to do it Really.
(13:19):
You're avoiding it, you'rehiding from it, you're running
from it, you're resisting it.
That's where the yet comes fromright.
And as we got into it, she sawthat because we really examined
some of the behaviors that shewas demonstrating in her off
hours and even a little bit ofwork.
(13:40):
But in her off hours from work,if she was truly actualized in
the personal part of her life.
If the things looked the wayshe wanted it to look, she would
be able to fully live her lifein a way that was aligned with
what she wants, or a healthylife, but really a healthy life.
(14:09):
But really her personal lifewas full of behaviors, which is
a clue, because we know thatyour actions come from your
emotions and your emotions comefrom what you're thinking.
So if you're not in touch withwhat you're thinking, or if some
of the you know, if yourbrain's moving too fast, or if
some of the truths of your lifeare deeper and a little harder
to get at sometimes, it takessometimes a lot of coaching or
(14:31):
therapy to really get into thelayers of what's going on with
us.
It was very apparent that thingsweren't going right for her or
the way she wanted in herpersonal life because of the
behavior she was exhibiting, andsome of those behaviors for her
were she would lose hours atnight just vegging out in front
(14:58):
of Netflix or Max or some of theother you know, amazons, many
of the channels and there'snothing wrong with, like,
enjoying a good movie orwhatever, but when it's every
night, all night, and you'rebinge watching by yourself
instead of getting out into theworld and interacting with
(15:20):
people and living your life.
That is a sign that you'reavoiding something right?
Another one was her drinkingpatterns.
She would do that extensivevegging out while sipping wine,
(15:41):
like she didn't see herself ashaving a drinking problem.
She never blacked out or gotdrunk, but she drank a lot
consistently by herself.
Right, and that's another signof I love a glass of wine.
But, like, if that becomes yousoothing these emotions, you're
(16:02):
trying to hide from the thingsthat you really want because
you're avoiding putting yourselfout into the world.
Both of those behaviors thoseany over-consumption behavior,
overeating, binge eating, eatingcertain types of foods in
excess all of that is reallywhat I call a consumption
(16:22):
behavior and you've got to knowwhy are you doing that.
You're doing that becauseyou're trying to soothe yourself
.
And you're trying to sootheyourself because really you're
uncomfortable, you're afraid,you're having some sort of
negative emotion.
It's either fear or it's regret, or it's sadness.
(16:44):
It's some kind of emotion onthe negative end of the spectrum
.
So if you're ever wondering whyyou're doing these things that
you know you shouldn't do, thatyou don't really want to do,
it's because you're trying tosoothe yourself, right?
So in her case, she was doingthose things and telling herself
(17:06):
she just enjoyed it, right, andshe was just doing it for now
because work is too busy.
And she had all these excuses.
You know, work is too busy andwhen I come home I just want to
veg out.
I don't want to put myself outthere.
I live in the city, I don'tknow anyone.
I don't want to go, have tojoin things, I don't want to
have to go on the dating apps tomeet someone.
I just don't want to deal withit right now.
(17:27):
I'm just going to adjust tothis job.
You know, the truth is she'sbeen in the job for a couple of
years.
She's been in the city for acouple of years.
Granted, she's moved a lot andgranted, if I said more about
her personal life in the past,yeah, she's had some
relationships that didn't go theway she wanted.
So, really, where we're gettingto is that she was telling
(17:52):
herself she was just comfortablewith these behaviors in her
personal life Because, you know,she was just busy right now at
work or whatever.
But the truth of the matter isthat she was just hiding from
the discomfort of having to facewhere she really is in her life
(18:15):
right now, which is settled into a new job that she likes, in
a new city that she's not sureabout, in a new city that she's
not sure about, and she justhasn't done the hard work of
really building a life in thatcity.
This is something I can relateto.
I think I've said before in thispodcast, I have moved with my
(18:37):
career and transfers and newjobs, and so I have moved.
I don't I have lost literally.
I'd have to think for a minute.
I've lost count.
I think it's like 14 times and,if I'm honest with myself,
every move that I made theearlier moves were easy, like
they were an adventure, andsometimes it's combined with
(19:00):
your state of mind as well asthe environment of the city.
Every city has a vibe.
That's my take from living in14 places.
They're different and sometimesyou vibe with a place more than
others, but the truth is, Ibelieve you can build a life
wherever you are.
But like for me to put it intomy own life for a minute, you
(19:21):
know earlier on when I first hitthat hotspot in my career where
I was just like people werecalling all the time and I was
like moving and doing all thisstuff.
I was just in adventure mode.
I was about I was a hundredpercent uncomfortable all the
time and I was really on fire.
It was a great period of mylife.
It was fun and adventurous andit was kind of a time period
(19:47):
where I thought anything wasreally possible.
Now, of course, there wereperiods or there were places in
my life where I still could haveoptimized, like I think I've
told you, I definitely haveavoided other types of being
uncomfortable, like speaking onlarge stages and things like
that, and I had manyopportunities to do that and I
just said no.
So I'm not saying I was a totaladventurer, but in many ways I
really was.
(20:07):
And in my personal life I couldrelate to my client a little bit
.
I had to struggle to kind ofhold space for her and not
enable her thinking, because Iactually understood exactly what
she was saying, because I haddone the same thing.
Like earlier on, I definitelydove into both a new job, a new
city and meeting people andsocializing, like I was all in
(20:32):
on both sides and then graduallyI don't know when it was, maybe
it was when I got to the sevenor 10 city mark?
I don't know.
I just thought this is really.
This is exhausting.
It's hard enough, the higher upyou go, to drop yourself into a
new culture and you know as aleader and do the things you
need to do in that business fromthe outside, where you don't
(20:55):
have a big network inside thecompany, it's hard to be a new
leader at that level.
I can appreciate, like, how shefelt when she first got there,
because she's a very seniorlevel executive.
It's tough, you know, and noone has your back and certain
types of companies are morepolitical than others and they
can be a little dangerousbackstabbing.
(21:17):
You've got to be careful, right, and you're trying to drive
change or do something new.
I'm not going to say that'seasy, like I've lived that world
and it's not easy, but byturning off completely her
aspirations in her personal life, which I honestly think many of
(21:37):
us do at midlife.
This may not be you, but I knowit was me for a long time and I
know many other people who aredoing that, people who haven't
moved as many times as I have.
It's just easy to say I justdon't feel like it.
I don't want to put myself outthere again.
I don't want to go through allof that.
I don't want to experience allof the feelings I'm going to
(22:00):
have to feel if I walk into thenetworking event as a new
entrepreneur.
I don't want to accept thespeaking engagement and stand up
on stage and have, you know,500 sets of eyes staring at me,
you know, while I try toremember what to say.
I don't want to go on thedating app and meet the people
that I don't want to meet.
I don't want to go on the baddate.
(22:22):
I don't want to fall in loveand have the person leave me or
have the other person fall inlove and have to leave them
right.
I don't want to go to theneighborhood bunco game and try
to meet 25 women who are alreadyfriends and try to indoctrinate
(22:42):
myself into that, which is whatmy client was saying.
I don't want to have to justwander around through life alone
and try to plug in right.
And this can happen for manyreasons, like maybe you were
married for 30 years and yourhusband left, or your wife left,
or maybe passed away, orsomething happened and now you
(23:04):
find yourself alone, childrenare grown, or maybe, like me,
you don't have children.
Life changes for all of us,either through the choices we
make like me or my client, whereyou're kind of trying to
actualize and you're moving andyou're allowing yourself to be
very uncomfortable and embraceit in one part of your life, but
in other parts of your lifemaybe you're shutting down and
(23:26):
you're soothing yourself andyou're isolating yourself and
you're hiding or escaping fromreally what your true
aspirations are Like.
What she really wants is anactive social life.
She hasn't gone so far assaying she wants a personal
relationship again with a man,but she definitely wants to meet
(23:50):
friends on the local level andshe has not done that.
She's got work friends, but forher she doesn't want to blend
those two worlds.
She really wants to havefriends outside of her work.
So I don't know if what I'msaying resonates with you.
If you're at midlife or midcareer, I challenge you on
(24:16):
either side of the equation,whether it's on the career track
or in the personal realm.
I want you to look at notnecessarily your thoughts,
because I think they can betricky sometimes in this area.
You can tell yourself no, no,this is exactly what I want,
this is what I want to do.
I want you to look at yourbehaviors.
For example, if you're in thecorporate realm and you've been
(24:40):
in this job for a while and youhaven't really put yourself out
there in a new way at work ortried to find another job or
asked for the raise or whatever,I just want you to look at just
how do you feel every day whenyou get up and get ready for
work.
Like, how do you think about it?
Are you excited about thethings you're going to do or do
(25:03):
you just think, oh, I wouldrather like jab a pen in my eye,
you know, like what are youthinking?
And when you're at work, whatare you doing?
Are you all in every day doingthe best you can because you've
got interesting hard things thatstretch you, or are you bored
(25:27):
and unmoved?
Do you spend your time surfingthe internet or looking for ways
to slough off a little bit, orare you a snacker at work?
Are you feeding or soothingyour boredom at work with food,
with the candy on the desk orthe candy left in the lunchroom
(25:48):
or whatever?
You know?
That's one way to get in touchwith it.
Are you hiding from your dreamsof leaving the comfortable
corporate job and starting yourown business, which is such a
huge trend in today's world andit's something that I help
people with.
I understand this dream.
(26:10):
I'm kind of in a weird place inthat I still love what I do in
corporate and I'm standing atthis business.
I've got two passions pullingat me, but I've allowed myself
to go after them both and Ifigure I'll know the right time
when it's time to choose oneversus the other.
Are you hiding from thataspiration versus the other?
(26:34):
Are you hiding from thataspiration Right?
Are you not using your offhours to build structure around
that business plan, but insteadsurfing the internet or
Facebooking or Instagramming orwatching other budding
entrepreneurs and dreaming thatsomeday that'll be you making
yourself feel better by allowingyourself to watch other people
versus doing it yourself andfeeling uncomfortable about that
?
Right?
You're telling yourself thingslike it's too dangerous to put
(26:57):
yourself out there, because youknow you have a corporate job
and you're visible in yourcorporate job.
You know, are you doingbehaviors that are causing you
more angst?
Because when you don'tacknowledge what you really want
and allow yourself to go afterit, that's when the real angst,
(27:17):
I think, begins.
Like it's one thing to beuncomfortable, it's definitely
doesn't feel great when youfirst get used to doing it.
You know you feel angstful, youfeel fearful, you feel awkward
doing things in any part of yourlife that you're not
comfortable doing.
That you aren't sure is a greatidea, you know.
(27:40):
But the more you do it, themore comfortable you get with
being uncomfortable.
I think I read somewherethere's a Navy SEAL saying like
get comfortable with beinguncomfortable.
I think I read somewherethere's a Navy SEAL saying like
get comfortable with beinguncomfortable.
I don't know if that's true ornot, but I think it's true that
that's the way to live life.
We have this life right now,and do you want to live it
(28:06):
partially?
Do you want to live it in a waythat is I don't want to say
lazy, but just where you're notgiving it your all?
This is your life.
Like, wouldn't you rather liveit from a place of every day
you're doing something that'skind of new, that's putting
yourself out into the world in adifferent way.
(28:26):
It doesn't have to mean blowinganything up.
You can just walk into worktomorrow with a new frame of
mind, asking for a newassignment, doing something in a
new way, putting your point ofview out into a meeting in a
different way, carrying yourselfdifferently, pulling yourself
(28:48):
together differently in justyour physical presentation to
the world.
Why settle for being comfortable?
I do think it's settling.
I think we lie to ourselves andtell ourselves it feels good
when in reality, sometimes thereare parts of our life where we
(29:08):
want something different andwe're not allowing ourself to go
get it because we have all ofthese excuses that we're not
necessarily even in touch with,because what we're trying to do
is we're trying to avoid beingafraid, we're trying to avoid
rejection, we're trying to avoidjudgment, we're trying to avoid
(29:29):
failure.
And so we tell ourselves I'mjust comfortable here, I'm going
to stay in my zone and I wantto challenge you today.
What if you challenged yourselffor the next month that you
were going to show up in yourlife in a new way, in some way
(29:49):
every week, like how could youstart to move more towards what
you want?
So if you want to get thepromotion, how do you show up
every day, every week, for thenext four weeks in a different
way?
Or people at the end of thattime would look at you and say,
wow, different way.
Or people at the end of thattime would look at you and say,
(30:11):
wow, you're really, you know,you're really on right now, you
know.
Or if it's in your personallife, like my client, what could
you do every week for the nextfour weeks?
That would start to put youinto situations where you're
(30:31):
meeting people that you want tosocialize with, that you'd like
to become acquainted with,hoping to find your peeps, like,
how could you do that?
There are ways to do it, youjust have to try, right?
There are apps.
I think there's a Bumble.
I mean, there's a dating partof that, but I think there's a
or at least there used to beanyway.
I think there's a part of thatapp where you can actually try
(30:53):
to meet friends Greatopportunity for a new city
meetups, right.
Networking groups, church groupsif you're into the religious
thing, neighborhood groups,right.
There are all kinds of things.
I enjoy fiction writing.
I belong to two writers clubslocally, like.
There's things like that.
There's all kinds of hobbies,right, get in touch with it.
(31:15):
Take knitting lessons, takephotography lessons, like, do
something that you're interestedin and that will be a way that
you meet people.
Or, if you want to move fromwhat you're doing now into
running your own business, builda plan and start working on the
plan.
Like, if you're not sure how todo it, join a group, go to
(31:39):
networking events, buy a course,follow the course, do the
things and put yourself out intothe world gradually in a new
way.
I think if you did that for onemonth and you allowed yourself,
every single time you wanted tobe uncomfortable and not do it
and wanted to avoid it.
If, instead, you did it andjust said, hey, listen, I'm
(32:02):
probably going to beuncomfortable, it's okay, it's
okay If I feel that way.
I'm not going to feel that waythe entire time.
I'm just going to feel that waywalking through the door or
starting up the conversation orwhatever.
The thing is that you have todo, doing the live Instagram or
whatever it is.
It's like just do it, do it andsee by the end of that time
(32:25):
period how much easier it is tofeel uncomfortable.
You know you don't, after awhile, even think about it.
Like I remember the first timethat I moved across country and
really away from the Midwest.
It was scary, you know.
(32:46):
I didn't know anybody where Iwas and I wasn't even 100% sure
that I was going to like the job, and what I learned was it was
fun to see a different part ofthe country.
It was fun to get the vibe ofthe city.
It was fun to meet a couple ofwomen to have cocktails or
(33:09):
dinner with and get to know thema little bit, that were so
different and had been raised sodifferent, had a different life
than the life that I knew, backwhere I was.
The life that I knew back whereI was and that great experience
very quickly turned into animmediate maybe and many times a
(33:30):
yes, when recruiters wouldreach out with new opportunities
.
I was no longer scared.
I was like all in.
I moved to places I thought I'dnever want to live and loved
living there.
Like I think I've said before ina podcast, like somebody called
me for an opportunity inPhiladelphia earlier on in those
days and I wasn't sure I'dnever been to Philadelphia, it
(33:51):
never seemed like a place that Ishould live.
But I visited there for the youknow the one of the final
interviews and I have to tellyou like I fell in love and I
lived there for a year and I'dprobably still be there.
But that company thentransferred me to Charlotte.
(34:11):
They were moving a base oftheir operations to Charlotte
and I resisted it.
I did not want to leavePhiladelphia, right.
And then I went to Charlotteand I love that too.
So those experiences taught methis is fun, you know.
So from then on I was all in.
But that's really what it's allabout is.
(34:34):
It's about just doing it forthe first time, letting yourself
feel uncomfortable, and notdoing anything to buffer that,
not doing anything to take theedge off of that discomfort,
just to say, hey, I feeluncomfortable and that's okay.
That is okay.
Better to have the discomfortof actualizing, of allowing
(34:59):
yourself to grow towards thething that you want, and feeling
the discomfort that goes alongwith putting yourself out into
the world in new ways.
Then the discomfort of notdoing that and instead of
feeling the discomfort of goingfor it, you're trying to comfort
(35:20):
yourself by doing all thebehaviors that we do in the
modern world, theoverconsumption behaviors, and
there's many types gambling,pornography, food, alcohol,
drugs, even just TV.
There are all kinds of thingswe do to make ourselves feel
(35:42):
comfortable because really we'reuncomfortable, because we're
hiding from the things that wereally want, or we're not making
the changes we need to make, orin some way we're trying to
just avoid those negativeemotions.
So that's what I mean by thetwo types of discomfort.
My client and I are stillworking through this, but I have
(36:05):
given her that challenge, thefour week challenge of do
something new every week andchallenge yourself in ways that
are meaningful to you, notrandom things.
Do something that's reallygoing to make you uncomfortable
because it's meaningful to you,not random things.
Do something that's reallygoing to make you uncomfortable
because it's meaningful to you.
(36:25):
Like for her, she really wantsto increase her social circle,
so it doesn't necessarily haveto mean going on the dating apps
because she hasn't really gonethere yet with me.
It's like, okay, well, let'sjust say you want to meet other
people to socialize with asfriends.
Let's start figuring out whatare the ways that you could do
that and identify a set ofthings and then just take it one
(36:49):
at a time over the next fourweeks and just know, when you
walk in the room you're going tofeel super, super uncomfortable
and let that be okay.
And you probably will meet alot of people that don't vibe
with you, but you're going tomeet eventually the ones that do
.
(37:09):
And that's how it's done, alittle bit at a time, and the
last thing that I'll leave youwith is the more you do this,
the more you allow yourself toget clear on the things that you
really want and then to go dothose things wherever they are
in your life and to feeluncomfortable with doing them.
(37:30):
The more comfortable you'll getwith being uncomfortable.
And I think, like if discomfortis a spectrum of zero to a
hundred, the less uncomfortableyou even feel, because it's
probably what the Navy SEALthing is about.
It's like the more you getcomfortable with being
uncomfortable, the lessuncomfortable you actually get.
(37:53):
Do it, the drama, the minddrama, the resistance, the fear,
the angstful all the stuff justkind of diminishes in intensity
and you're able to walk throughyour life in a way that's very
meaningful and in a way thatallows you to be very actualized
(38:18):
, and isn't that a better lifethan hiding from it?
I just don't think comfortableis a great thing.
Probably even with the parts ofour life that we really like,
like if we really have a greatmarriage or whatever.
Do we really want to just getcomfortable?
I don't think so.
I think we should always begrowing and trying new things
(38:43):
and growing together.
Like that would probably be thechallenge you know with.
That is okay.
Well, how do we keep makingthis even better.
Do we just want to coast withour life or with our
relationships or with our career?
I don't think so.
Always be heading towardsexcellence, always be heading
towards actualization andstaying in tune with the areas
(39:06):
of your life that aren't exactlythe way you want, and giving
yourself permission to go aftersomething new and letting it be
okay that it's a littleuncomfortable.
It be okay that it's a littleuncomfortable, and I think it's
kind of like going to the gym.
You know the first week or twois kind of miserable if you
(39:29):
haven't done it for a while, butthose muscles get stronger and
pretty soon.
That's something you lookforward to.
And that's kind of where I gotto with all the change in my
life.
I saw it as a big adventure andI got judged by a lot of people
.
They're like are you ever goingto stop moving and doing stuff?
And I have.
I've been in Dallas for 10years, but listen, I'm sure I'm
(39:51):
not done moving yet.
I'm not sure this is where Iwant to be forever.
It's a nice city, but for me,when I think about that, I think
about like, hey, where do Iwant to go?
There's zero discomfort.
It's just like, let's pick aplace and let's do it.
But for now I'm trying to bevery purposeful and I have a
corporate job that keeps me here, so it's totally fine because I
like Dallas, just fine.
(40:13):
But my point is pay attention tohow comfortable you've allowed
yourself to get in all thedifferent areas of your life
relationships, your job, yourweight, your image, all of it,
everything and just ask yourselfdo you want to stay there or do
(40:36):
you want to start pushingyourself a little bit in a
healthy way?
If so, take the four weekchallenge, like I've challenged
my client to do.
Allow yourself to do somethingthat makes you uncomfortable
every week, but make sure it'ssomething that's meaningful to
you, not just something random,not something easy.
(40:59):
Make it be something that youreally want and that's
meaningful.
Identify something you can dothat's new and that pushes you a
little bit, and then go do it.
I think you'll find when youfinish the month, it doesn't
feel so uncomfortable anymoreand maybe that thing that you
really want is starting to comeinto fruition in your life.
(41:20):
So that is what I wanted totalk about today and until next
time, make it a great week.
My friends, do you have a lifecoach.
If not, I'd be so honored to beyour coach.
(41:41):
I've created a virtual coachingprogram and monthly membership
called Next Level.
Inside we take the material youhear on this podcast, study it
and then apply it.
Join me at thepurposefulcareercom backslash
next level.
Don't forget the the purposefulcareercom backslash next level.
(42:06):
Join me and together we'll makeyour career in life Everything
you dream of.
We'll see you there.
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