October 24, 2023 • 16 mins
This episode is all about cover coming the fears, embarrassment, and discomfort that hold you back from being authentic.
We all know what it's like to be judged or shamed simply for being your authentic self. I was just eight(ish) when my passion for the Princess Jasmine dress earned me shame rather than applause. This childhood encounter and similar episodes throughout my life taught me that authenticity often comes with a price. Today we're taking that embarrassed boy who loved a princess dress to an adult who finds joy in vibrant eyeshadow.
Fear of authenticity is a common thread uniting many of us. In this episode you'll learn to embrace the 'confident queer' in you through authenticity, acceptance, and self-love.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coach Alex Ray (00:00):
Hello, my unicorns.
Today we're gonna have a littlechit chat about authenticity
and, let's be honest,authenticity is not something
that I really have to convinceanyone of that it matters or
it's important.
I think we're all on the samepage here that being authentic
is important, but it's reallyfucking hard.
(00:20):
It's so much easier than done,and I've struggled with being
authentic my whole life really,and the example I want to share
with you today comes from, well,just a week ago, so not even a
week ago when this is published.
I've struggled withauthenticity in my life, not
(00:41):
just about coming out as gay,but also really struggled with
my gender and coming tounderstand my gender identity.
I really like the labels ofgender nonconforming and gender
queer now, and these are thingsthat I've struggled with since I
was a little kid, but likereally didn't know or understand
(01:02):
or have the language for it.
When I was a kid, the mostsignificant memory I have of
this is being about eight-ishyears old, I think, and there
was a family at our church whowas hosting a barbecue at their
house, and any of y'all who grewup in the church, y'all know
(01:22):
how barbecue is important.
Well, maybe this is also aneast coast or southern kind of
thing, I'm not really sure, butanyway, it's a big to do.
When the church, you know, afamily is having a barbecue,
everyone comes over.
It's a big fucking event, okay.
So picture this I'm eight yearsold, they're hosting a barbecue
(01:44):
, the family only has daughters,okay.
And so I'm hanging out in thebasement, me, the daughters, all
the other kids were hanging out.
We decided to do dress up, andI love dress up.
Clearly, y'all know I lovedress up.
Now, as an adult, I wasobsessed with it as a kid too,
and I was so delighted to get toput on the Princess Jasmine
(02:09):
dress.
You know, princess Jasmine fromAladdin.
Yeah, I looked fabulous, I feltfabulous, I was enjoying it,
and I remember my dad called meup from the basement to
introduce me to a new adult atthe church and when I came up
the stairs, my dad said this ismy son, daughter Alex.
(02:34):
Now, he thought that was aninnocent joke at the time and I
know that he didn't mean for itto have the impact that it had.
We've spoken about this sinceas an adult now, and we've
resolved this.
I have a great relationshipwith both of my parents now.
However, what a shit thing tosay, and if you're a parent,
(02:54):
don't say that shit to your kids.
Don't say that shit in front ofyour kids.
Don't even like, don't even saythat shit.
It just, it's really, it's sojudgmental.
And what I picked up on in thatmoment was oh my gosh, my dad
is embarrassed of me, and sothat really gave me an early
(03:18):
childhood experience of someonebeing embarrassed.
A lot of us struggle withauthenticity because we fear
being rejected or embarrassed orembarrassing others, and I can
feel all of those.
In that memory.
I felt rejected by my dad.
(03:39):
I felt embarrassed, like I haddone something wrong.
It was my fault for putting onthis dress that I was feeling
fabulous in.
But you know, this guy that mydad was talking to, my dad was
like embarrassed, was likeembarrassed of me and
introducing me.
So I didn't.
That was painful too.
(03:59):
I didn't want to embarrasssomeone that I cared about.
I didn't want to embarrass mydad.
This experience we all have,experiences of being authentic
and being rejected, and itshapes our perception of who we
should be and how we should showup in the world, and it shaped
(04:23):
my perspective of wearingclothes that I just delight in
and presenting in a way that Idelight in.
I didn't want to do anythingfor the longest time.
That could be perceived asgirly, like I didn't want to
paint my nails.
I didn't want well, I mean, Idid want to, but I didn't allow
(04:44):
myself to paint my nails.
I didn't allow myself to weardresses.
I didn't allow myself to wearanything that was glitzy and
glammy.
I didn't allow myself to wearmakeup.
I was afraid if it didn't havesome kind of explanation to it
then I would be embarrassed.
I would embarrass others, I'dbe rejected by others.
(05:05):
So Halloween was a great timefor me to play and experiment.
I also remember when I did myfirst drag show, I had a big
excuse that it was for charityand that allowed me to kind of
play around with wearing heelsand makeup and these clothes
that were sparkly and fine andthat I delighted in.
But it kind of felt distant.
(05:27):
I was able to excuse it, as youknow.
Oh, this isn't really me, thisis a character.
The truth is I enjoy it.
And guess what?
Nothing terrible happened.
The world didn't implode.
I didn't suddenly like lose myidentity.
(05:50):
Actually, I gained anunderstanding of myself.
I gained identity.
I felt so much more comfortable, so much more empowered, so
much more delighted and excitedby just presenting in a way that
was authentic.
So if you are working on beingmore authentic, I've got some
(06:14):
advice for you.
But first I wanna tell you abouthow I was able to realize this
showing up for me recently.
So I had again.
I had a workshop less than aweek ago, but I guess about a
week ago by the time that you'rehearing this, and the workshop,
(06:34):
ironically, was on authenticityand I got coached just a couple
hours prior to the event.
And I'm so glad that I had thatopportunity to talk this
through with a coach, because Iwas kind of nervous and feeling
uncomfortable for the event andI wasn't really sure why.
(06:55):
And in that coachingconversation she helped me
realize that it was related tothat memory.
My fear of authenticity wasshowing up there whenever,
actually, I'm doing anythingthat delights me, whether it's
dating, whether it's a workshop,whether it's dressing up,
(07:19):
whether it's coaching in a waythat feels really authentic and
we're exploring gender andsexuality, oh my God, every time
I'm doing things that delightme, I frequently I said every,
and then frequently whatever, Iwould say frequently slash most
(07:40):
of the time when I'm doingsomething that really delights
me and lights me up, when itfeels really authentic and free
and empowering, I get scared, Iget uncomfortable, I feel uneasy
, I feel like something is wrong.
And it wasn't until thiscoaching conversation last week
that I discovered with her.
(08:00):
Oh my gosh, it's all related tothat memory.
I'm afraid that if I'm tooauthentic then I will harm
others or others will beembarrassed by me, and I don't
wanna do that and I'm scaredthat they'll reject me.
If I'm too authentic.
(08:20):
Doing a workshop on authenticity, dressed as authentically and
fabulous, in my purple fuzzycoat, jacket thing, with
beautiful purple eyeshadow andsome gorgeous highlight on my
face, that was like oh, this istoo authentic, am I really
allowed to do this?
It's scary as everyone going toreject me.
(08:50):
So what I came to theconclusion in that coaching
session was that doing thisworkshop was actually an
experience or an opportunity,rather, to relive that
experience.
This workshop at any other timeI'm doing something that
(09:11):
delights me and feels superauthentic is actually an
opportunity to relive thatmemory and rewrite that memory.
It's an opportunity to wear thedress, come up the stairs and
this time everyone's celebratingwith me, including my dad.
Now, obviously I'm speakingmetaphorically, otherwise I
(09:33):
would love to have a time travelmachine that we could actually
go back and do this, but wedon't.
This concept, this idea ofreliving the memory and
rewriting the memory, gave mepermission to be imperfect,
because if everyone's gonna becelebrating with me at the top
of the stairs, then I don't haveto be the perfectionist I
(09:54):
usually force myself to be.
I don't have to clench mybutthole in order to keep myself
perfect.
I don't have to flinch ahead oftime out of fear of what
they're gonna say.
I could just decide.
People at the top of the stairsare waiting to cheer me on.
They're here to celebrate withme and I know that that is, at
(10:17):
some level, delusional, butthat's the delusion.
I want to choose intentionallyand I want to take this
opportunity.
For many of you, that is anunreasonable expectation at this
point.
I Understand that and I see youand I hear you and I don't know
that I would have been ready tojust embrace that as well as I
(10:42):
did last week.
It like If we rewound a fewyears, I would not be that quick
to embrace that.
It's because of this work thatI do on my confidence, the same
work that I lead my clientsthrough, that I'm able to take
that and and use that mindset soquickly.
(11:03):
It wasn't a big leap for me, soit's okay.
If you're not ready to takethat leap of, oh, I can just
rewrite their memory right,that's just sound so fabulous.
On fun, you're like, fuck you,alex, that's unrelatable.
I can't do that.
Yet.
It's okay and I understand.
Could you use the second partthat worked for me?
(11:24):
Instead of trying to get rid ofthat fear, could you have
compassion for that fear?
Could you Step back andunderstand what it is you're
afraid of, about being authentic?
Do you have an old memorythat's popping up?
Do you have an experiencethat's informed your fear?
(11:45):
Is there cultural norms,expectations, ideas that you
have taken in over your lifetimethat are keeping you afraid?
And Can that fear, instead ofyou needing to get rid of it,
could you make it like yourlittle sidekick?
It doesn't have to be wonderful, it can be a little ugly, okay,
(12:07):
but like kind of cute, kind ofkind of cute ugly, okay.
The Workshop that I did ended upbeing Fantastic.
I loved it and I wasn't worried, or maybe, if I did, I did have
it like a few little worriesand here and there afterwards,
but I would say it was the leastworried, the least anxious I've
(12:30):
ever been about any workshop,and I wasn't flooded with
thoughts of, oh my god, am ILike embarrassing, is something
wrong with me and how I present.
So how to apply this toyourself again?
You don't have to use the sameextreme.
(12:51):
You may not be able to go tothe extreme that I was able to
go to, and that's only becauseI've had years of practicing
this.
Use the confident queer method.
Remember one be willing to beuncomfortable.
That's going to be your besttool here, because the more you
avoid being uncomfortable, themore you push against it, the
(13:13):
stronger it's going to be.
So start with being willing tobe uncomfortable.
Embrace that fear or discomfortor worry that you have about
being authentic.
Ask yourself what is the badthing that might happen if you
are authentic, and ask yourselfdo you have any early memories
(13:36):
of negative consequences frombeing authentic?
This will help influence yourunderstanding of why it is you
feel the way that you feel andexactly what do you feel.
How do you feel?
Remember that you can use newsituations as opportunities to
(13:56):
rewrite the story.
And how do you feel about thefear now?
It doesn't have to leave.
You can let that fear be yourlittle sidekick, remember?
I like to think about it likean ugly doll.
Do you remember those things?
I think they were big in thelate 2000s, maybe 2010s, I don't
(14:21):
know.
But the ugly doll if you don'tknow what I'm talking about,
just Google ugly doll.
They're so ugly, but they'relike, so ugly, they're kind of
cute.
You know what I mean?
That can be the fear, theanxious.
What if story that you have onthe side can become your little
sidekick.
It doesn't have to go away.
(14:42):
It can just be kind of likeugly and kind of like barking
and biting at your ankles.
Whatever, it's so ugly, it'scute.
This is so much easier to thinkabout than it is to practice.
That's why accountability is so, so, so important, which is one
of the most helpful thingsabout coaching.
(15:04):
Plus, when we work together,I'll help you with more
customized tools to address yourfears and discomfort and I'll
help guide you to the root cause.
Again, I wouldn't have beenable to find this on my own, so
please don't be embarrassed ifyou can't find it on your own.
It's so helpful to have a guidewith you who's able to ask you
(15:25):
questions and investigate thiswith you and create a space
where you feel safe to actuallydo that, and we can even
practice these things in session.
I have a trans client who ispracticing changing their voice
with me in our sessions, andI've got multiple clients who
practice dressing different withme in session so they can
(15:49):
practice showing up as theirauthentic selves.
So if you'd like this kind ofsupport to become more authentic
, come work with me and, for therest of you, I'll see you next
Tuesday.
Hello, my unicorns.
Today we're gonna have a littlechit chat about authenticity
and, let's be honest,authenticity is not something
that I really have to convinceanyone of that it matters or
it's important.
I think we're all on the samepage here that being authentic
is important, but it's reallyfucking hard.
(00:20):
It's so much easier than done,and I've struggled with being
authentic my whole life really,and the example I want to share
with you today comes from, well,just a week ago, so not even a
week ago when this is published.
I've struggled withauthenticity in my life, not
(00:41):
just about coming out as gay,but also really struggled with
my gender and coming tounderstand my gender identity.
I really like the labels ofgender nonconforming and gender
queer now, and these are thingsthat I've struggled with since I
was a little kid, but likereally didn't know or understand
(01:02):
or have the language for it.
When I was a kid, the mostsignificant memory I have of
this is being about eight-ishyears old, I think, and there
was a family at our church whowas hosting a barbecue at their
house, and any of y'all who grewup in the church, y'all know
(01:22):
how barbecue is important.
Well, maybe this is also aneast coast or southern kind of
thing, I'm not really sure, butanyway, it's a big to do.
When the church, you know, afamily is having a barbecue,
everyone comes over.
It's a big fucking event, okay.
So picture this I'm eight yearsold, they're hosting a barbecue
(01:44):
, the family only has daughters,okay.
And so I'm hanging out in thebasement, me, the daughters, all
the other kids were hanging out.
We decided to do dress up, andI love dress up.
Clearly, y'all know I lovedress up.
Now, as an adult, I wasobsessed with it as a kid too,
and I was so delighted to get toput on the Princess Jasmine
(02:09):
dress.
You know, princess Jasmine fromAladdin.
Yeah, I looked fabulous, I feltfabulous, I was enjoying it,
and I remember my dad called meup from the basement to
introduce me to a new adult atthe church and when I came up
the stairs, my dad said this ismy son, daughter Alex.
(02:34):
Now, he thought that was aninnocent joke at the time and I
know that he didn't mean for itto have the impact that it had.
We've spoken about this sinceas an adult now, and we've
resolved this.
I have a great relationshipwith both of my parents now.
However, what a shit thing tosay, and if you're a parent,
(02:54):
don't say that shit to your kids.
Don't say that shit in front ofyour kids.
Don't even like, don't even saythat shit.
It just, it's really, it's sojudgmental.
And what I picked up on in thatmoment was oh my gosh, my dad
is embarrassed of me, and sothat really gave me an early
(03:18):
childhood experience of someonebeing embarrassed.
A lot of us struggle withauthenticity because we fear
being rejected or embarrassed orembarrassing others, and I can
feel all of those.
In that memory.
I felt rejected by my dad.
(03:39):
I felt embarrassed, like I haddone something wrong.
It was my fault for putting onthis dress that I was feeling
fabulous in.
But you know, this guy that mydad was talking to, my dad was
like embarrassed, was likeembarrassed of me and
introducing me.
So I didn't.
That was painful too.
(03:59):
I didn't want to embarrasssomeone that I cared about.
I didn't want to embarrass mydad.
This experience we all have,experiences of being authentic
and being rejected, and itshapes our perception of who we
should be and how we should showup in the world, and it shaped
(04:23):
my perspective of wearingclothes that I just delight in
and presenting in a way that Idelight in.
I didn't want to do anythingfor the longest time.
That could be perceived asgirly, like I didn't want to
paint my nails.
I didn't want well, I mean, Idid want to, but I didn't allow
(04:44):
myself to paint my nails.
I didn't allow myself to weardresses.
I didn't allow myself to wearanything that was glitzy and
glammy.
I didn't allow myself to wearmakeup.
I was afraid if it didn't havesome kind of explanation to it
then I would be embarrassed.
I would embarrass others, I'dbe rejected by others.
(05:05):
So Halloween was a great timefor me to play and experiment.
I also remember when I did myfirst drag show, I had a big
excuse that it was for charityand that allowed me to kind of
play around with wearing heelsand makeup and these clothes
that were sparkly and fine andthat I delighted in.
But it kind of felt distant.
(05:27):
I was able to excuse it, as youknow.
Oh, this isn't really me, thisis a character.
The truth is I enjoy it.
And guess what?
Nothing terrible happened.
The world didn't implode.
I didn't suddenly like lose myidentity.
(05:50):
Actually, I gained anunderstanding of myself.
I gained identity.
I felt so much more comfortable, so much more empowered, so
much more delighted and excitedby just presenting in a way that
was authentic.
So if you are working on beingmore authentic, I've got some
(06:14):
advice for you.
But first I wanna tell you abouthow I was able to realize this
showing up for me recently.
So I had again.
I had a workshop less than aweek ago, but I guess about a
week ago by the time that you'rehearing this, and the workshop,
(06:34):
ironically, was on authenticityand I got coached just a couple
hours prior to the event.
And I'm so glad that I had thatopportunity to talk this
through with a coach, because Iwas kind of nervous and feeling
uncomfortable for the event andI wasn't really sure why.
(06:55):
And in that coachingconversation she helped me
realize that it was related tothat memory.
My fear of authenticity wasshowing up there whenever,
actually, I'm doing anythingthat delights me, whether it's
dating, whether it's a workshop,whether it's dressing up,
(07:19):
whether it's coaching in a waythat feels really authentic and
we're exploring gender andsexuality, oh my God, every time
I'm doing things that delightme, I frequently I said every,
and then frequently whatever, Iwould say frequently slash most
(07:40):
of the time when I'm doingsomething that really delights
me and lights me up, when itfeels really authentic and free
and empowering, I get scared, Iget uncomfortable, I feel uneasy
, I feel like something is wrong.
And it wasn't until thiscoaching conversation last week
that I discovered with her.
(08:00):
Oh my gosh, it's all related tothat memory.
I'm afraid that if I'm tooauthentic then I will harm
others or others will beembarrassed by me, and I don't
wanna do that and I'm scaredthat they'll reject me.
If I'm too authentic.
(08:20):
Doing a workshop on authenticity, dressed as authentically and
fabulous, in my purple fuzzycoat, jacket thing, with
beautiful purple eyeshadow andsome gorgeous highlight on my
face, that was like oh, this istoo authentic, am I really
allowed to do this?
It's scary as everyone going toreject me.
(08:50):
So what I came to theconclusion in that coaching
session was that doing thisworkshop was actually an
experience or an opportunity,rather, to relive that
experience.
This workshop at any other timeI'm doing something that
(09:11):
delights me and feels superauthentic is actually an
opportunity to relive thatmemory and rewrite that memory.
It's an opportunity to wear thedress, come up the stairs and
this time everyone's celebratingwith me, including my dad.
Now, obviously I'm speakingmetaphorically, otherwise I
(09:33):
would love to have a time travelmachine that we could actually
go back and do this, but wedon't.
This concept, this idea ofreliving the memory and
rewriting the memory, gave mepermission to be imperfect,
because if everyone's gonna becelebrating with me at the top
of the stairs, then I don't haveto be the perfectionist I
(09:54):
usually force myself to be.
I don't have to clench mybutthole in order to keep myself
perfect.
I don't have to flinch ahead oftime out of fear of what
they're gonna say.
I could just decide.
People at the top of the stairsare waiting to cheer me on.
They're here to celebrate withme and I know that that is, at
(10:17):
some level, delusional, butthat's the delusion.
I want to choose intentionallyand I want to take this
opportunity.
For many of you, that is anunreasonable expectation at this
point.
I Understand that and I see youand I hear you and I don't know
that I would have been ready tojust embrace that as well as I
(10:42):
did last week.
It like If we rewound a fewyears, I would not be that quick
to embrace that.
It's because of this work thatI do on my confidence, the same
work that I lead my clientsthrough, that I'm able to take
that and and use that mindset soquickly.
(11:03):
It wasn't a big leap for me, soit's okay.
If you're not ready to takethat leap of, oh, I can just
rewrite their memory right,that's just sound so fabulous.
On fun, you're like, fuck you,alex, that's unrelatable.
I can't do that.
Yet.
It's okay and I understand.
Could you use the second partthat worked for me?
(11:24):
Instead of trying to get rid ofthat fear, could you have
compassion for that fear?
Could you Step back andunderstand what it is you're
afraid of, about being authentic?
Do you have an old memorythat's popping up?
Do you have an experiencethat's informed your fear?
(11:45):
Is there cultural norms,expectations, ideas that you
have taken in over your lifetimethat are keeping you afraid?
And Can that fear, instead ofyou needing to get rid of it,
could you make it like yourlittle sidekick?
It doesn't have to be wonderful, it can be a little ugly, okay,
(12:07):
but like kind of cute, kind ofkind of cute ugly, okay.
The Workshop that I did ended upbeing Fantastic.
I loved it and I wasn't worried, or maybe, if I did, I did have
it like a few little worriesand here and there afterwards,
but I would say it was the leastworried, the least anxious I've
(12:30):
ever been about any workshop,and I wasn't flooded with
thoughts of, oh my god, am ILike embarrassing, is something
wrong with me and how I present.
So how to apply this toyourself again?
You don't have to use the sameextreme.
(12:51):
You may not be able to go tothe extreme that I was able to
go to, and that's only becauseI've had years of practicing
this.
Use the confident queer method.
Remember one be willing to beuncomfortable.
That's going to be your besttool here, because the more you
avoid being uncomfortable, themore you push against it, the
(13:13):
stronger it's going to be.
So start with being willing tobe uncomfortable.
Embrace that fear or discomfortor worry that you have about
being authentic.
Ask yourself what is the badthing that might happen if you
are authentic, and ask yourselfdo you have any early memories
(13:36):
of negative consequences frombeing authentic?
This will help influence yourunderstanding of why it is you
feel the way that you feel andexactly what do you feel.
How do you feel?
Remember that you can use newsituations as opportunities to
(13:56):
rewrite the story.
And how do you feel about thefear now?
It doesn't have to leave.
You can let that fear be yourlittle sidekick, remember?
I like to think about it likean ugly doll.
Do you remember those things?
I think they were big in thelate 2000s, maybe 2010s, I don't
(14:21):
know.
But the ugly doll if you don'tknow what I'm talking about,
just Google ugly doll.
They're so ugly, but they'relike, so ugly, they're kind of
cute.
You know what I mean?
That can be the fear, theanxious.
What if story that you have onthe side can become your little
sidekick.
It doesn't have to go away.
(14:42):
It can just be kind of likeugly and kind of like barking
and biting at your ankles.
Whatever, it's so ugly, it'scute.
This is so much easier to thinkabout than it is to practice.
That's why accountability is so, so, so important, which is one
of the most helpful thingsabout coaching.
(15:04):
Plus, when we work together,I'll help you with more
customized tools to address yourfears and discomfort and I'll
help guide you to the root cause.
Again, I wouldn't have beenable to find this on my own, so
please don't be embarrassed ifyou can't find it on your own.
It's so helpful to have a guidewith you who's able to ask you
(15:25):
questions and investigate thiswith you and create a space
where you feel safe to actuallydo that, and we can even
practice these things in session.
I have a trans client who ispracticing changing their voice
with me in our sessions, andI've got multiple clients who
practice dressing different withme in session so they can
(15:49):
practice showing up as theirauthentic selves.
So if you'd like this kind ofsupport to become more authentic
, come work with me and, for therest of you, I'll see you next
Tuesday.
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