February 14, 2024 • 26 mins
Have you ever been overwhelmed by a voice inside your head that won't stop criticizing every move you make? Imagine silencing that voice and replacing it with one of self-compassion, especially on a day dedicated to love, like Valentine's Day! That's the conversation we dive into with Bianca:
- Bianca's personal story of how she became the owner of Modern Wellness
- Why merging ancient holistic practices with modern psychotherapy creates long lasting transformational change
- What the inner critic is, how it relates to shame, and why learning more about the inner critic dismantles the power it has over our day-to-day lives
- Tangible practices and strategies that help with navigating the inner critic and tools for practicing self-compassion
- What self-compassion is and why it's incredibly important for working with the inner critic
Resources:
- Embracing Your Inner Critic (Book)
- Dr. Kristen Neff
- (2/22) *Virtual* Breathwork for Anxiety, Stress, and Overwhelm with Modern Wellness
Connect with Bianca:
- Instagram: @modernwellnessli
- Websites: www.modernwellnessmentalhealth.com
- Website: www.modernwellnessli.com
Opportunities to Work Together:
- The Masterclass Pass 2024
- (2/21) Be Your Own Bestfriend Workshop
- (2/29) Monthly Breathwork Healing Class at Yoga Shack
DM on Instagram
Subscribe & Review on Apple Podcasts
Follow & Rate on Spotify
Download Breathe Easy: How To Create Your Own Breathwork Practice
Get started with 1:1 coaching here.
Participate in Curious Convos. Share your questions and topic requests!
Disclaimer: Please remember that the information shared on this podcast is intended to inspire, educate, and support you on your personal journey. It does not substitute for professional mental health advice. I am not a psychologist or medical professional. If you are experiencing any emotional distress, mental health challenges, or medical conditions, please seek help from a qualified professional.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Radiant Life podcast.
I'm your host, ray the SomaticCoach, and I'm here to support
you in healing your past, livingin the present and creating
your future, so that you canbecome the most centered,
embodied and happiest version ofyourself.
Each week, I'll be bringing youepisodes to help you navigate
life's challenges, ease stressand tension and learn more about
(00:24):
holistic healing, spiritualityand wellness.
If you're interested inbecoming the best version of
yourself so that you can livethe life of your dreams, then
you're in the right place.
Subscribe to the podcast andthe monthly newsletter and
follow me on Instagram andTikTok to know when new episodes
are released each week.
I am so happy that you'velanded here.
(00:45):
Let's dive in.
Hello, and welcome back to thepodcast.
I'm so glad that you're here.
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
I also know that today isValentine's Day, so happy
Valentine's Day.
I hope that you have an amazingday and I hope you enjoy
(01:07):
today's episode, for today wehave our next guest expert,
bianca.
She is the founder of ModernWellness and she's also a
licensed mental health counselor.
Today we chat about the innercritic, we chat about
self-compassion, and I'm reallyexcited to bring to you this
(01:28):
conversation.
I had so much fun recordingwith Bianca and I hope that you
really enjoy it.
I'll talk to you soon.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
I'm so excited to have our nextguest expert, bianca.
Bianca, welcome, I'm so happythat you're here, welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm so excited to be here and I absolutely love your
podcast.
I've been listening to theepisodes.
I've been learning a lot myself, so I just wanted to let you
know that I'm really loving itand I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad that you're hereand that we've got to connect in
this way.
Bianca and I, over the past I'dsay like a year or two kind of
have been able to collaborate ina few different ways, and I
love being a part of hercommunity, which we'll dive into
at Modern Wellness, yes, sothank you, I'm so glad to hear
(02:24):
that.
Bianca, can you share a littlebit more maybe about your
personal story of how you becamea mental health counselor and
then also how you became thefounder of Modern Wellness?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yes, definitely, I love this question.
It's my favorite question.
So when I was eight years old,I was introduced to my tennis
coach, who at the time I did notknow would be my life mentor
and we're still in touch, stilltoday, all these years, and he
is that type of person.
He's so intelligent, intuitive,he just studies so much, he
(03:03):
learns so much and shares thatinformation.
So he really introduced me toholistic healing practices
energy work, yoga, meditation.
He actually led me through myfirst meditation.
I can remember it like it wasyesterday.
So he completely changed mylife and I wanted to help people
(03:23):
the same way that he has helpedme throughout my entire life.
So that is my purpose, that'smy why, and Modern Wellness was
born from that using all thesethings that this man has taught
me into one space.
So, yeah, it's just a beautifulthing and it really just
resonates with my upbringing andmy story and it's yeah, I think
(03:49):
that's it.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, I know, I love that so much and that hits home
for me too.
Just having a coach when you'reyounger, that is a positive
influence like that.
It could like make me cry.
That's so sweet, I love that.
Were you a competitive at like?
Did you compete with tennis?
Was that something that youlike played in college Like?
(04:12):
Or was that kind of just like?
He was a memorable figure thatcame into your life temporarily.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
So I actually I did play college tennis and he was
my coach since I was eight yearsold up until I went to college.
Yeah, oh my God, that's so cool.
I loved playing tennis, but Ihonestly think he might be the
reason I stuck with it for solong, because there were times
we had tennis lessons where wewouldn't even touch a tennis
(04:38):
racket and it was somethinghappened in school, something
happened with my family orfriend, and he just guided me
through it.
He was like my life coach andhe just completely changed my
life.
I actually it's funny like I'ma therapist now, so I find
myself remembering things thathe taught me when I was younger.
So with my younger clients, I'musing all the stuff that he
(05:00):
wants to use with me.
So it's just, it's a fullcircle.
It's just really cool to see.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Oh, wow, that is so cool.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah, we could talk aboutgrowing up and playing sports
forever, but we will stick tothe conversation of what we're
going to chat about today.
But before we dive into today'stopic, modern wellness I
absolutely like, love whatyou've created and I think it's
(05:28):
such a nice community and, justhaving taught there a few times,
people are so engaged, theyfeel so welcomed.
They really love the dynamicapproach that you've created,
and I know you well I'm on youremail list, so I know this, but
ancient wisdom and modernscience approach Like.
can you share just maybe how youlanded with that philosophy?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yes, definitely so I actually.
We just trademarked it too,which is really exciting, yeah.
So basically, well, I guess tocontinue a little bit with my
story, when I was in my lateteens, early 20s, I started to
develop an anxiety disorder.
I wasn't in therapy at the time, but I'm diagnosing my younger
(06:12):
self as an anxiety disorder.
I used to have panic attacksrandomly when I'm driving here,
there, everywhere.
It was so hard to deal with andI said I don't want to go on
medication unless I really haveto.
Of course, if you have to, youhave to.
But I took a year and a halfutilizing all of these practices
(06:34):
that my coach has taught me,and then more stuff that I've
learned, and it really was ablend of the ancient wisdom
practices of yoga, meditationand breathwork, which has been
going on for thousands of yearswith the modern psychotherapy.
So my philosophy is combiningboth of these.
Bridging the gap between bothof these philosophies is the
(06:56):
ultimate way that we can helpheal ourselves.
So it resonates with a lot ofpeople and we see that that
approach has really, really justbeen so helpful.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, I love that intersection and I think it
really, yeah, it really is soimportant to have like all of
that and I think it really givespeople the opportunity
especially the way that youpresent it for them to find what
they need.
You know, because for eachperson it's going to be a little
bit different.
So by offering it all, it'slike they really get this
(07:31):
comprehensive, holistic approachwhere they can find what they
need for their nervous system ortheir body or their mind or
whatever kind of resonates forthem.
So that sounds amazing, exactly, thank you, yeah, huge fan.
So for today, we thought thatthe inner critic would be a
(07:53):
great topic to dive into more indepth and just to really talk
about, like what the innercritic is, like how this shows
up in our day to day life, likeif it's showing up, what we can
do to navigate that and, I guess, to kick things off like let's
chat a little bit more aboutwhat the inner critic is.
(08:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yes, definitely.
I was introduced to thisconcept by my my second mentor.
Actually, who my first mentor,my coach, introduced me to?
She's her name is YolandaKumiru.
She's a psychotherapist for 35,maybe almost 40 years now and
she studied under these twopsychologists Holland, Sidra
Stone and they wrote thisamazing book in Bree Singer,
(08:38):
inner critic.
So when I read this I was justblown away.
So I don't know if there's anytheories on I guess I'm going to
say theories, but differentapproaches of what the inner
critic is, but it all comes tothe same.
The same core of it's thiscritical voice inside of us,
essentially judging us,everything that we do or don't
(09:01):
do, based upon our values.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, you know, it's so interesting because we all do
have that, that voice in ourhead that isn't the kindest and
something that I've connectedover the past few years of just
really like you want totransform that voice.
I went to one class where theyconsidered that voice to be like
(09:29):
our inner shame.
That was like an interestingperspective for me where it kind
of like alleviated some of thatfriction that I was feeling
with the inner critics, and it'sdefinitely an ongoing journey,
like I especially.
I mean I don't know if, likeshame and inner critics are
exactly like the same thing, butI just feel like it's relates
to kind of like what youmentioned there.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
That's why I say there's different approaches to
it, but essentially it is thesame thing.
I use the word, I use the labelinner critic, you can use inner
shame, you could use anythingthat speaks to you, but and I'm
sure we'll get into this butjust identifying who it is in
you and what it sounds likereally does alleviate the
control that it has over us.
(10:11):
So that's that is reallyimportant to do.
That's what I always say isstep one.
So you already started thatprocess yourself.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
That exactly is like the biggest or like the first
step, because once you have thedisconnection of that voice,
isn't you?
It's just a part that doescreate a little bit more freedom
to continue the exploration orthe journey, or whatever that
might that might look like.
So what are some challengesthat you think people might face
(10:41):
if they are struggling with theinner critic, maybe running the
show for them?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yeah, we see a lot.
I'm saying we, but I guessmyself I see a lot of people
that suffer from depression,anxiety, low self-esteem.
A person that has a stronginner critic usually has one or
more of these things, becauseit's just that negative,
judgmental voice constantlytelling us we're not good enough
(11:10):
, we're not pretty enough, we'renot skinny enough, whatever it
might be, and everyone has liketheir different things that they
criticize about themselves.
And a lot of times thesejudgments come from our family
members had these judgmentstowards us or just in general,
so now we adopted them.
Or society in general, of whatsociety thinks is good or not
(11:32):
good and how we should be orshouldn't be.
That's another thing too.
It might come out as likeshoulds or should nots, this
critical voice, but it'simportant to know I'm sorry if
I'm going a little off track,but it's important to know that
this voice, even though it canaffect us so negatively, it
actually is trying to help us.
(11:53):
It's actually trying to protectus from being vulnerable.
It's trying to make us succeedin the world, to fit in with the
world.
And if we look at this fromlike an evolutionary perspective
, if we fit in let's just saythe ancestral environment if we
fit in we have a better chanceof survival.
So our brains, we are still in,we're still almost like we're
(12:18):
back in those times, likethousands of years ago, but
we're just in a modern world.
So now it shows up differently.
It shows up if we're not beingaccepted into a group.
It wants to keep us safe.
So our voice inside is sayingdo this or don't do this,
because we want to keepourselves safe, even though
we're not at a physical threatanymore if we're not accepted
(12:40):
into a group of people.
Let's just say that's just oneof the many examples.
But even just understandingthat too can really help
alleviate it for somebody.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Yeah, I love that perspective and I think it's
something that we don't talkabout enough.
Just this idea that ourevolution over time has changed
and although we've evolved sofast, like the way that our life
looks today is so drasticallydifferent than our previous
timeline, that part of thepractices I've even noticed for
(13:14):
myself, the practices that wetalk about doing to help with
easing anxiety, like connectingwith your breath or putting your
feet in the ground, connectingwith the earth or getting
sunlight, things that in ourevolution, like we didn't really
need to worry about becauselike that's what we were doing,
like we were outside, we werewith the earth, we were in the
(13:36):
sun, we were breathing andthings like that, and so it's
funny, bringing it back tobasics, from the nervous system
perspective at least, totallylands for this like evolution
perspective that I don't thinkwe really talk about enough.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I think it's so funny , too, that we have to make time
to relax, like I really thinkthat's a funny concept.
We need to make time to relaxand like to feel grounded and do
these things that were, like sonatural that we had to do.
We were forced to do back then,but that's a story for another
day.
But yeah, so then, with thisvoice, like it's there for a
(14:17):
reason, it's there to protect usand help us, but now it's being
, of course, modern world.
It's like these things we don'talways need them anymore for
our safety and our survival.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yeah, yeah.
And you know what's interestingis like part of this story that
you shared with your tenniscoach.
This was such a positive, youknow, relationship that you had
in your life and in like fouryears and I, you know, I can
speak to, like you coaches Ithink that's why it lands for me
so much ones that did land forme and ones that, like I'm like
(14:48):
maybe they're not that they werethe best for me at that time.
How do you think maybe ourprevious lived experiences or
those impactful relationshipsmight impact the voice of the
inner critic today?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yeah well, so at first, I mean I hate to always
go back to family and parents.
I feel like we're always doingthat in therapy, but it really
does start with our parents.
So, whether it's judgments theyhad towards us or even
judgments they had towards otherpeople, if you ever overheard
your parents talking aboutexternal people, they should do
(15:23):
this or they shouldn't do that,or why are they this way or that
way we internalize that.
Now it may not be every singlejudgment, but everyone can
definitely recall at least ahandful of judgments that they
have towards themselves basedupon the what your parents
thought was good or bad.
(15:44):
So that's really a big one thatI encourage people to take a
look at.
And then, secondly, could befriends or experiences, such as
even bullying experiences.
I mean, that really can stickwith someone for years and just
thoughts about ourselves thatpeople have shamed us for or
(16:05):
told us about criticisms fromthe external world.
And then third really is justthe society standards that we
are constantly seeing everysingle day because we have
social media and seeing what'saccepted or not accepted.
So really it's.
I really believe it's thosethree major, major monsters, I
(16:26):
guess.
So it's really good to look atthose three things.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
It's something that's so helpful when you're doing
like therapy or coaching to beable to have that guidance in
those moments to reflect onthose relationships, because
Sometimes, if we are not giventhe time and space or the
guidance, we do internalize thatvoice and we don't have the
time to create that separationlike we kind of just spoke about
.
So that's yeah, I coulddefinitely see how, though, all
(16:55):
of those relationships would bereally impactful.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
And not and they're not bad either too like there
are some things that our parentsencourage that really serve us
well too.
So it's not all negative.
I know the voice can benegative, but just I just always
want to say that too, just sopeople can accept that there is
good and bad in this, likeanything in life really.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Right, right, yeah.
Now I love that.
That disclaimer there, yeah,and if somebody were struggling
with the inner critic today,what might be Two or three
strategies that they could useto start working with this part
of themselves?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
First and foremost, always start with awareness, and
this is a.
This is like a deeper conceptand I know you do a lot of like
inner child work, so it's kindof similar to that in a sense of
like you really need to slowdown on and listen to these
messages because a lot of timesthey're happening without Total
(17:57):
awareness at all.
Even myself, I feel like I'm,I'm, I know this topic pretty
well.
I've done classes, I've readbooks and I still sometimes
Forget who's speaking, who'swho's running the ship at times
or driving the ship.
So one is to really tune in, toslow down.
(18:19):
And Journaling another thing ahuge thing is journaling, so
figuring out what judgments you,the critic is is Judging inside
of you, and also relating thatto like we said before, like
where does this judgment comefrom?
Is it from a past experience?
Is it from parents views?
(18:39):
Is it your own values that youdevelop through time?
It could be anything and a lotof times it carries value and
that's.
That's fine.
The other thing too I would sayis, if you again, you mentioned
the inner child work, and I knowyou're big with that we have to
learn how to reparent our innercritic as well and be apparent
(19:02):
to it, just because it comes outmaybe more powerful than an
inner child, it's still veryvulnerable, very, very
vulnerable, and we need tonurture that part of us that
criticizes, so that also whetherthat takes a coach or a
(19:23):
therapist to work with Even justresponding to the inner critic,
talking to the inner critic,dialoguing, like okay, I hear
you, I know you're trying tohelp me, but, xyz, you know,
just listening to it,acknowledging it and then
speaking back to it, couldreally be helpful.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I Love all of those steps you mentioned slowing down
, building awareness, journalingso good for like introspection
and learning more about yourself, and then the reparenting and
the practice of reparenting initself and like what that can do
(20:02):
for you.
And what I'm hearing is likethere's an element of like
self-compassion andself-reflection that is present.
Do you have any like tools ortechnique, techniques or tips
for either growing someself-compassion or Building that
(20:22):
self-reflection muscle?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yes, absolutely.
Are you familiar with KristenNeff?
I believe she's like yes.
She is like she's awesome.
So I've done some studying withher work.
She's a self-compassion expert.
Another thing to note the innercritic cannot die.
(20:45):
We cannot kill our inner critic.
It's always going to be therethe rest of our lives and we can
have better control over it.
One way is to also develop theopposite side.
So we have the inner critic,the voice of the inner critic,
and then we also can develop avoice of self-compassion.
The self-compassion, if we growthat to be strong, can take
(21:08):
over the inner critic at timeswhen the inner critic gets a
little bit too wild and crazy.
So just even doing that initself can put this back into
balance more of an equilibrium.
And something that she says andsomething that stood out to me,
kristen Neff, is that we believethat we need to be criticized
(21:32):
or criticize ourselves tomotivate change, which actually
is not necessarily true.
If we come from a place ofself-compassion and love, we can
actually facilitate change evenbetter.
So say you want to changesomething about yourself and
you're criticizing yourself,you're actually not doing
yourself a, you're doing adisservice there.
(21:53):
So self-compassion comes fromlove and self-criticism comes
from fear, and that really stuckout to me.
So just to kind of come to aclose with this tangent I went
on.
Something that you can do isrecognize okay, the voice of
self-criticism, the inner critic, versus okay, how can I
(22:16):
transform that intoself-compassion?
So you might be sayingsomething to yourself like you
didn't work hard enough, youdidn't do this enough today and
what is wrong with you, saythat's the inner critic, right,
this voice of self-compassioncan come back and say, okay, so
you tried your best for todayyou didn't get one of these
(22:37):
things done, but tomorrow'sanother day, and give yourself
grace, that's okay.
So the same message, said intwo very different ways, and
actually one which will serve usbetter in the long run, which
is the voice of self-compassion.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, so powerful.
And I love that connection thatyou make of balance and yes,
the inner critic is present likehow can we develop the other
side of self-compassion tobalance that out?
I love that phrasing and we'llput Kristen Neff's link in the
(23:14):
show notes and the book that youmentioned earlier too in the
show notes.
And I also love how you'venamed that self-criticism comes
from fear and self-compassioncomes from love, and that we
can't shame ourselves intosuccess, I guess, or shame
(23:35):
ourselves into what we're tryingto do, Because when we treat
ourselves more of a place oflove, more realistically, we're
actually going to do thosethings that we are trying to do,
rather than kind of shameourselves to get there Exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Yep, you got it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I love that.
I've learned so much.
This was like so nice.
Thank you so much.
Oh, so glad.
Thank you.
Thank you, yeah, of course.
And so the last question that Iask my guest experts, which
maybe you know if you listen tothe podcast, it is what is
something it could be anythingin your life right now that is
(24:19):
lighting you up, that isinspiring you?
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Yes, I love this question because I recently
started getting into fictionreading.
I never was a fiction readerbecause I have a very strong
doer in me that's like I need tolearn, I need to learn, learn,
learn, learn.
And I'm like, oh, that might bea waste of time to read
something just for fun.
But in an attempt to do alittle bit more self care and to
(24:47):
relax more, I started delvinginto fiction reading.
So I started the series A Courtof Thorns and Roses.
That's the first book by SarahJ Moss.
I believe it was amazing.
So I'm going to continue theseries and it's definitely is
lighting me up and then alsogiving me just some fun space to
(25:09):
relax and do something for me.
So I'm very happy with mydecision to start reading it.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Oh, yeah, that's amazing.
I've heard really good thingsabout that series.
I haven't started it myself,but I've heard really good
things.
That sounds really really nice,amazing.
So thank you so much, bianca.
This was so nice.
I'll put all of yourinformation in the show notes.
We'll link Kristen Nuff and thebook that you mentioned earlier
(25:36):
as well.
And, yeah, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you so muchfor tuning in to today's episode
.
If you were moved or inspired,please share with me by leaving
a rating and review on ApplePodcast.
It means the world to me and Iam so appreciative for your
support in helping my podcastgrow.
If we aren't already connectedon social media, head over to
(26:00):
Instagram and TikTok and followme at Ray the Sematic Coach.
Make sure you check out theshow notes of today's episode
for links to freebies,opportunities to work with me
and ways we can stay connectedoutside of the podcast.
I'm so happy that you're hereand I can now eat to talk with
you on our next episode of theRadiant Life Podcast.
Welcome to the Radiant Life podcast.
I'm your host, ray the SomaticCoach, and I'm here to support
you in healing your past, livingin the present and creating
your future, so that you canbecome the most centered,
embodied and happiest version ofyourself.
Each week, I'll be bringing youepisodes to help you navigate
life's challenges, ease stressand tension and learn more about
(00:24):
holistic healing, spiritualityand wellness.
If you're interested inbecoming the best version of
yourself so that you can livethe life of your dreams, then
you're in the right place.
Subscribe to the podcast andthe monthly newsletter and
follow me on Instagram andTikTok to know when new episodes
are released each week.
I am so happy that you'velanded here.
(00:45):
Let's dive in.
Hello, and welcome back to thepodcast.
I'm so glad that you're here.
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
I also know that today isValentine's Day, so happy
Valentine's Day.
I hope that you have an amazingday and I hope you enjoy
(01:07):
today's episode, for today wehave our next guest expert,
bianca.
She is the founder of ModernWellness and she's also a
licensed mental health counselor.
Today we chat about the innercritic, we chat about
self-compassion, and I'm reallyexcited to bring to you this
(01:28):
conversation.
I had so much fun recordingwith Bianca and I hope that you
really enjoy it.
I'll talk to you soon.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode.
I'm so excited to have our nextguest expert, bianca.
Bianca, welcome, I'm so happythat you're here, welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
I'm so excited to be here and I absolutely love your
podcast.
I've been listening to theepisodes.
I've been learning a lot myself, so I just wanted to let you
know that I'm really loving itand I'm so honored to be here.
Speaker 1 (02:03):
Oh, thank you.
I'm so glad that you're hereand that we've got to connect in
this way.
Bianca and I, over the past I'dsay like a year or two kind of
have been able to collaborate ina few different ways, and I
love being a part of hercommunity, which we'll dive into
at Modern Wellness, yes, sothank you, I'm so glad to hear
(02:24):
that.
Bianca, can you share a littlebit more maybe about your
personal story of how you becamea mental health counselor and
then also how you became thefounder of Modern Wellness?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yes, definitely, I love this question.
It's my favorite question.
So when I was eight years old,I was introduced to my tennis
coach, who at the time I did notknow would be my life mentor
and we're still in touch, stilltoday, all these years, and he
is that type of person.
He's so intelligent, intuitive,he just studies so much, he
(03:03):
learns so much and shares thatinformation.
So he really introduced me toholistic healing practices
energy work, yoga, meditation.
He actually led me through myfirst meditation.
I can remember it like it wasyesterday.
So he completely changed mylife and I wanted to help people
(03:23):
the same way that he has helpedme throughout my entire life.
So that is my purpose, that'smy why, and Modern Wellness was
born from that using all thesethings that this man has taught
me into one space.
So, yeah, it's just a beautifulthing and it really just
resonates with my upbringing andmy story and it's yeah, I think
(03:49):
that's it.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Yeah, I know, I love that so much and that hits home
for me too.
Just having a coach when you'reyounger, that is a positive
influence like that.
It could like make me cry.
That's so sweet, I love that.
Were you a competitive at like?
Did you compete with tennis?
Was that something that youlike played in college Like?
(04:12):
Or was that kind of just like?
He was a memorable figure thatcame into your life temporarily.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
So I actually I did play college tennis and he was
my coach since I was eight yearsold up until I went to college.
Yeah, oh my God, that's so cool.
I loved playing tennis, but Ihonestly think he might be the
reason I stuck with it for solong, because there were times
we had tennis lessons where wewouldn't even touch a tennis
(04:38):
racket and it was somethinghappened in school, something
happened with my family orfriend, and he just guided me
through it.
He was like my life coach andhe just completely changed my
life.
I actually it's funny like I'ma therapist now, so I find
myself remembering things thathe taught me when I was younger.
So with my younger clients, I'musing all the stuff that he
(05:00):
wants to use with me.
So it's just, it's a fullcircle.
It's just really cool to see.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Oh, wow, that is so cool.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah, we could talk aboutgrowing up and playing sports
forever, but we will stick tothe conversation of what we're
going to chat about today.
But before we dive into today'stopic, modern wellness I
absolutely like, love whatyou've created and I think it's
(05:28):
such a nice community and, justhaving taught there a few times,
people are so engaged, theyfeel so welcomed.
They really love the dynamicapproach that you've created,
and I know you well I'm on youremail list, so I know this, but
ancient wisdom and modernscience approach Like.
can you share just maybe how youlanded with that philosophy?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Yes, definitely so I actually.
We just trademarked it too,which is really exciting, yeah.
So basically, well, I guess tocontinue a little bit with my
story, when I was in my lateteens, early 20s, I started to
develop an anxiety disorder.
I wasn't in therapy at the time, but I'm diagnosing my younger
(06:12):
self as an anxiety disorder.
I used to have panic attacksrandomly when I'm driving here,
there, everywhere.
It was so hard to deal with andI said I don't want to go on
medication unless I really haveto.
Of course, if you have to, youhave to.
But I took a year and a halfutilizing all of these practices
(06:34):
that my coach has taught me,and then more stuff that I've
learned, and it really was ablend of the ancient wisdom
practices of yoga, meditationand breathwork, which has been
going on for thousands of yearswith the modern psychotherapy.
So my philosophy is combiningboth of these.
Bridging the gap between bothof these philosophies is the
(06:56):
ultimate way that we can helpheal ourselves.
So it resonates with a lot ofpeople and we see that that
approach has really, really justbeen so helpful.
Speaker 1 (07:08):
Yeah, I love that intersection and I think it
really, yeah, it really is soimportant to have like all of
that and I think it really givespeople the opportunity
especially the way that youpresent it for them to find what
they need.
You know, because for eachperson it's going to be a little
bit different.
So by offering it all, it'slike they really get this
(07:31):
comprehensive, holistic approachwhere they can find what they
need for their nervous system ortheir body or their mind or
whatever kind of resonates forthem.
So that sounds amazing, exactly, thank you, yeah, huge fan.
So for today, we thought thatthe inner critic would be a
(07:53):
great topic to dive into more indepth and just to really talk
about, like what the innercritic is, like how this shows
up in our day to day life, likeif it's showing up, what we can
do to navigate that and, I guess, to kick things off like let's
chat a little bit more aboutwhat the inner critic is.
(08:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
Yes, definitely.
I was introduced to thisconcept by my my second mentor.
Actually, who my first mentor,my coach, introduced me to?
She's her name is YolandaKumiru.
She's a psychotherapist for 35,maybe almost 40 years now and
she studied under these twopsychologists Holland, Sidra
Stone and they wrote thisamazing book in Bree Singer,
(08:38):
inner critic.
So when I read this I was justblown away.
So I don't know if there's anytheories on I guess I'm going to
say theories, but differentapproaches of what the inner
critic is, but it all comes tothe same.
The same core of it's thiscritical voice inside of us,
essentially judging us,everything that we do or don't
(09:01):
do, based upon our values.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
Yeah, you know, it's so interesting because we all do
have that, that voice in ourhead that isn't the kindest and
something that I've connectedover the past few years of just
really like you want totransform that voice.
I went to one class where theyconsidered that voice to be like
(09:29):
our inner shame.
That was like an interestingperspective for me where it kind
of like alleviated some of thatfriction that I was feeling
with the inner critics, and it'sdefinitely an ongoing journey,
like I especially.
I mean I don't know if, likeshame and inner critics are
exactly like the same thing, butI just feel like it's relates
to kind of like what youmentioned there.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
That's why I say there's different approaches to
it, but essentially it is thesame thing.
I use the word, I use the labelinner critic, you can use inner
shame, you could use anythingthat speaks to you, but and I'm
sure we'll get into this butjust identifying who it is in
you and what it sounds likereally does alleviate the
control that it has over us.
(10:11):
So that's that is reallyimportant to do.
That's what I always say isstep one.
So you already started thatprocess yourself.
Speaker 1 (10:20):
That exactly is like the biggest or like the first
step, because once you have thedisconnection of that voice,
isn't you?
It's just a part that doescreate a little bit more freedom
to continue the exploration orthe journey, or whatever that
might that might look like.
So what are some challengesthat you think people might face
(10:41):
if they are struggling with theinner critic, maybe running the
show for them?
Speaker 2 (10:47):
Yeah, we see a lot.
I'm saying we, but I guessmyself I see a lot of people
that suffer from depression,anxiety, low self-esteem.
A person that has a stronginner critic usually has one or
more of these things, becauseit's just that negative,
judgmental voice constantlytelling us we're not good enough
(11:10):
, we're not pretty enough, we'renot skinny enough, whatever it
might be, and everyone has liketheir different things that they
criticize about themselves.
And a lot of times thesejudgments come from our family
members had these judgmentstowards us or just in general,
so now we adopted them.
Or society in general, of whatsociety thinks is good or not
(11:32):
good and how we should be orshouldn't be.
That's another thing too.
It might come out as likeshoulds or should nots, this
critical voice, but it'simportant to know I'm sorry if
I'm going a little off track,but it's important to know that
this voice, even though it canaffect us so negatively, it
actually is trying to help us.
(11:53):
It's actually trying to protectus from being vulnerable.
It's trying to make us succeedin the world, to fit in with the
world.
And if we look at this fromlike an evolutionary perspective
, if we fit in let's just saythe ancestral environment if we
fit in we have a better chanceof survival.
So our brains, we are still in,we're still almost like we're
(12:18):
back in those times, likethousands of years ago, but
we're just in a modern world.
So now it shows up differently.
It shows up if we're not beingaccepted into a group.
It wants to keep us safe.
So our voice inside is sayingdo this or don't do this,
because we want to keepourselves safe, even though
we're not at a physical threatanymore if we're not accepted
(12:40):
into a group of people.
Let's just say that's just oneof the many examples.
But even just understandingthat too can really help
alleviate it for somebody.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Yeah, I love that perspective and I think it's
something that we don't talkabout enough.
Just this idea that ourevolution over time has changed
and although we've evolved sofast, like the way that our life
looks today is so drasticallydifferent than our previous
timeline, that part of thepractices I've even noticed for
(13:14):
myself, the practices that wetalk about doing to help with
easing anxiety, like connectingwith your breath or putting your
feet in the ground, connectingwith the earth or getting
sunlight, things that in ourevolution, like we didn't really
need to worry about becauselike that's what we were doing,
like we were outside, we werewith the earth, we were in the
(13:36):
sun, we were breathing andthings like that, and so it's
funny, bringing it back tobasics, from the nervous system
perspective at least, totallylands for this like evolution
perspective that I don't thinkwe really talk about enough.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
I think it's so funny , too, that we have to make time
to relax, like I really thinkthat's a funny concept.
We need to make time to relaxand like to feel grounded and do
these things that were, like sonatural that we had to do.
We were forced to do back then,but that's a story for another
day.
But yeah, so then, with thisvoice, like it's there for a
(14:17):
reason, it's there to protect usand help us, but now it's being
, of course, modern world.
It's like these things we don'talways need them anymore for
our safety and our survival.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Yeah, yeah.
And you know what's interestingis like part of this story that
you shared with your tenniscoach.
This was such a positive, youknow, relationship that you had
in your life and in like fouryears and I, you know, I can
speak to, like you coaches Ithink that's why it lands for me
so much ones that did land forme and ones that, like I'm like
(14:48):
maybe they're not that they werethe best for me at that time.
How do you think maybe ourprevious lived experiences or
those impactful relationshipsmight impact the voice of the
inner critic today?
Speaker 2 (15:02):
Yeah well, so at first, I mean I hate to always
go back to family and parents.
I feel like we're always doingthat in therapy, but it really
does start with our parents.
So, whether it's judgments theyhad towards us or even
judgments they had towards otherpeople, if you ever overheard
your parents talking aboutexternal people, they should do
(15:23):
this or they shouldn't do that,or why are they this way or that
way we internalize that.
Now it may not be every singlejudgment, but everyone can
definitely recall at least ahandful of judgments that they
have towards themselves basedupon the what your parents
thought was good or bad.
(15:44):
So that's really a big one thatI encourage people to take a
look at.
And then, secondly, could befriends or experiences, such as
even bullying experiences.
I mean, that really can stickwith someone for years and just
thoughts about ourselves thatpeople have shamed us for or
(16:05):
told us about criticisms fromthe external world.
And then third really is justthe society standards that we
are constantly seeing everysingle day because we have
social media and seeing what'saccepted or not accepted.
So really it's.
I really believe it's thosethree major, major monsters, I
(16:26):
guess.
So it's really good to look atthose three things.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
It's something that's so helpful when you're doing
like therapy or coaching to beable to have that guidance in
those moments to reflect onthose relationships, because
Sometimes, if we are not giventhe time and space or the
guidance, we do internalize thatvoice and we don't have the
time to create that separationlike we kind of just spoke about
.
So that's yeah, I coulddefinitely see how, though, all
(16:55):
of those relationships would bereally impactful.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
And not and they're not bad either too like there
are some things that our parentsencourage that really serve us
well too.
So it's not all negative.
I know the voice can benegative, but just I just always
want to say that too, just sopeople can accept that there is
good and bad in this, likeanything in life really.
Speaker 1 (17:19):
Right, right, yeah.
Now I love that.
That disclaimer there, yeah,and if somebody were struggling
with the inner critic today,what might be Two or three
strategies that they could useto start working with this part
of themselves?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
First and foremost, always start with awareness, and
this is a.
This is like a deeper conceptand I know you do a lot of like
inner child work, so it's kindof similar to that in a sense of
like you really need to slowdown on and listen to these
messages because a lot of timesthey're happening without Total
(17:57):
awareness at all.
Even myself, I feel like I'm,I'm, I know this topic pretty
well.
I've done classes, I've readbooks and I still sometimes
Forget who's speaking, who'swho's running the ship at times
or driving the ship.
So one is to really tune in, toslow down.
(18:19):
And Journaling another thing ahuge thing is journaling, so
figuring out what judgments you,the critic is is Judging inside
of you, and also relating thatto like we said before, like
where does this judgment comefrom?
Is it from a past experience?
Is it from parents views?
(18:39):
Is it your own values that youdevelop through time?
It could be anything and a lotof times it carries value and
that's.
That's fine.
The other thing too I would sayis, if you again, you mentioned
the inner child work, and I knowyou're big with that we have to
learn how to reparent our innercritic as well and be apparent
(19:02):
to it, just because it comes outmaybe more powerful than an
inner child, it's still veryvulnerable, very, very
vulnerable, and we need tonurture that part of us that
criticizes, so that also whetherthat takes a coach or a
(19:23):
therapist to work with Even justresponding to the inner critic,
talking to the inner critic,dialoguing, like okay, I hear
you, I know you're trying tohelp me, but, xyz, you know,
just listening to it,acknowledging it and then
speaking back to it, couldreally be helpful.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I Love all of those steps you mentioned slowing down
, building awareness, journalingso good for like introspection
and learning more about yourself, and then the reparenting and
the practice of reparenting initself and like what that can do
(20:02):
for you.
And what I'm hearing is likethere's an element of like
self-compassion andself-reflection that is present.
Do you have any like tools ortechnique, techniques or tips
for either growing someself-compassion or Building that
(20:22):
self-reflection muscle?
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Yes, absolutely.
Are you familiar with KristenNeff?
I believe she's like yes.
She is like she's awesome.
So I've done some studying withher work.
She's a self-compassion expert.
Another thing to note the innercritic cannot die.
(20:45):
We cannot kill our inner critic.
It's always going to be therethe rest of our lives and we can
have better control over it.
One way is to also develop theopposite side.
So we have the inner critic,the voice of the inner critic,
and then we also can develop avoice of self-compassion.
The self-compassion, if we growthat to be strong, can take
(21:08):
over the inner critic at timeswhen the inner critic gets a
little bit too wild and crazy.
So just even doing that initself can put this back into
balance more of an equilibrium.
And something that she says andsomething that stood out to me,
kristen Neff, is that we believethat we need to be criticized
(21:32):
or criticize ourselves tomotivate change, which actually
is not necessarily true.
If we come from a place ofself-compassion and love, we can
actually facilitate change evenbetter.
So say you want to changesomething about yourself and
you're criticizing yourself,you're actually not doing
yourself a, you're doing adisservice there.
(21:53):
So self-compassion comes fromlove and self-criticism comes
from fear, and that really stuckout to me.
So just to kind of come to aclose with this tangent I went
on.
Something that you can do isrecognize okay, the voice of
self-criticism, the inner critic, versus okay, how can I
(22:16):
transform that intoself-compassion?
So you might be sayingsomething to yourself like you
didn't work hard enough, youdidn't do this enough today and
what is wrong with you, saythat's the inner critic, right,
this voice of self-compassioncan come back and say, okay, so
you tried your best for todayyou didn't get one of these
(22:37):
things done, but tomorrow'sanother day, and give yourself
grace, that's okay.
So the same message, said intwo very different ways, and
actually one which will serve usbetter in the long run, which
is the voice of self-compassion.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Yeah, so powerful.
And I love that connection thatyou make of balance and yes,
the inner critic is present likehow can we develop the other
side of self-compassion tobalance that out?
I love that phrasing and we'llput Kristen Neff's link in the
(23:14):
show notes and the book that youmentioned earlier too in the
show notes.
And I also love how you'venamed that self-criticism comes
from fear and self-compassioncomes from love, and that we
can't shame ourselves intosuccess, I guess, or shame
(23:35):
ourselves into what we're tryingto do, Because when we treat
ourselves more of a place oflove, more realistically, we're
actually going to do thosethings that we are trying to do,
rather than kind of shameourselves to get there Exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
Yep, you got it.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
I love that.
I've learned so much.
This was like so nice.
Thank you so much.
Oh, so glad.
Thank you.
Thank you, yeah, of course.
And so the last question that Iask my guest experts, which
maybe you know if you listen tothe podcast, it is what is
something it could be anythingin your life right now that is
(24:19):
lighting you up, that isinspiring you?
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Yes, I love this question because I recently
started getting into fictionreading.
I never was a fiction readerbecause I have a very strong
doer in me that's like I need tolearn, I need to learn, learn,
learn, learn.
And I'm like, oh, that might bea waste of time to read
something just for fun.
But in an attempt to do alittle bit more self care and to
(24:47):
relax more, I started delvinginto fiction reading.
So I started the series A Courtof Thorns and Roses.
That's the first book by SarahJ Moss.
I believe it was amazing.
So I'm going to continue theseries and it's definitely is
lighting me up and then alsogiving me just some fun space to
(25:09):
relax and do something for me.
So I'm very happy with mydecision to start reading it.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Oh, yeah, that's amazing.
I've heard really good thingsabout that series.
I haven't started it myself,but I've heard really good
things.
That sounds really really nice,amazing.
So thank you so much, bianca.
This was so nice.
I'll put all of yourinformation in the show notes.
We'll link Kristen Nuff and thebook that you mentioned earlier
(25:36):
as well.
And, yeah, thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you so muchfor tuning in to today's episode
.
If you were moved or inspired,please share with me by leaving
a rating and review on ApplePodcast.
It means the world to me and Iam so appreciative for your
support in helping my podcastgrow.
If we aren't already connectedon social media, head over to
(26:00):
Instagram and TikTok and followme at Ray the Sematic Coach.
Make sure you check out theshow notes of today's episode
for links to freebies,opportunities to work with me
and ways we can stay connectedoutside of the podcast.
I'm so happy that you're hereand I can now eat to talk with
you on our next episode of theRadiant Life Podcast.
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