November 25, 2025 • 50 mins
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Renee Rose joins The Real Family Eats to share her personal journey through parenting, divorce, and finding strength as a single mom—all while cooking up a European-inspired carbonara. In this honest conversation, Renee and Reesa get real about the struggles and wins of parenting when life doesn’t go as planned.
- Renee’s story on becoming a single mom and thriving while raising two sons
- The challenges of navigating divorce—twice—and what helped her finally move forward
- What inspired Renee’s quest to recreate authentic European carbonara at home
- The importance of self-care for parents and how Renee learned to put herself first
- How tough transitions built resilience, love, and lasting bonds with her children
From Renee:
I have been a single mom for many years and an educator for decades. I now have 2 grown sons who have moved out of our home and have lived independently for many years.
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Spaghetti Carbonara
Courtesy of: https://easyweeknight.com/spaghetti-carbonara/
______________
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Host: Reesa Morala, MA, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Reesa is a parenting specialist with a niche in supporting couples. Find Reesa hosting couples and parenting workshops nationwide!
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For the video version of this episode find us at: https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/
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https://www.embracerenewaltherapy.com/real-family-eats-guest
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
I just realized thatwas happening then, that Nainoa
(00:04):
was losing his childhood becausehe felt like he had to take
care of me.
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:24):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:46):
Welcome back everyone.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
I'm so excited for today'sguest.
Today's recipe as well.
I'm excited to make it so I havethe lovely Renee Rose here
who is actually spoiler alert,my cousin coming to join
and talk a little bitabout parenting with myself.
Hi Renee, thanks so muchfor joining.
(01:07):
I'm so thanks for having me.
Yes, absolutely.
I appreciate you being willingto come chat.
Parenting, with me and andall the real stuff about
what happens as parents.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you, like, I know you,
which is my entire life.
(01:30):
Can you introduce yourselffor us? Yes.
So I am Renee Rose.
We're our daughter.
That's actually my married name.
Maiden name is Marlo, which isthe same maiden name
as it. Really?
(01:51):
Her dad is my dad's brother.
Yeah.
And I was married.
Oh, gosh.
We back in 90, 95, 94, 95was when I was married, had my
first child, then,and then, like, ten years later,
(02:15):
became my single mom.
But I also had twochildren to to raise on my own.
So while doing that, I went backto school.
I went to college.
Completed my bachelorsand my masters during that time
(02:38):
and then worked full time.
And then after that,I had 20 years working and
20 years being a single mom.
Yeah.
Just plugging in.
And and just, doing whatI need to do in order for me
(03:00):
to survive and raisetwo beautiful boys.
And, I guess 30 yearsnow, because.
Nine.
I was turning 30.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, right on the money.
And then the entirely my secondchild.
She's he turned 26 this year.
(03:22):
So I have two grown boysnow, and me, you know,
on the way to justbeing by myself and still
being mommy now, and age, but.
Yeah.
Going through the wholeprocess of still parenting.
(03:43):
So being a mom and atthe same time, you know,
being single and findingmyself and, and doing
the profession and having thecareer and, you know, doing
a doctorate and all that stuffall together.
In 50 something years ofmy life.
(04:04):
You can doing, you know,still looking young
and thriving, I, I, I hope thatthose are in my genes as well.
So not only take the lastname, but you get the same.
The same youthful vibrance.
For sure.
For sure.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay.
(04:25):
Well, I'm so, you know, excitedto kind of be able to talk
a little bit more aboutyour story.
But before we do that,what recipe are you sharing
with our audience todayand why did you choose this one?
This is actually an interestingrequest from.
I was like, what recipe?
First of all, I don't cook, soI don't know what recipe
(04:47):
to give you.
And, I wanted to reallyknow how to make carbonara.
And this past few years,your sister and I have been
traveling to Europe, and,and we were in Europe
every place, whole and a wholenice restaurant, you know,
(05:10):
what have you.
We always order carbonarabecause it's the yummiest food.
Easiest food, I guess, thatyou can have.
And e and, and a differentplaces in Europe, Italy, France,
wherever you go.
Carbonara is, is the thingto eat.
So I was like, oh,this is so good.
(05:32):
So now I'm going backto the state.
I've been wanting to have that,you know, and to have that
carbonara taste and it's justdifferent.
It's just different.
It's much creamier here.
I went to Olive Gardenand Cheesecake Factory and all
those places.
It's just never the same.
So I figured, oh, maybe I'lldo it myself and maybe
(05:54):
I can recreate, you knowwhat I've been craving for?
I tried it once, but I thinkI know what I what went wrong,
so it's due for me totry it again.
And I hope that you're moresuccessful.
(06:14):
I mean, when I did itthe first time.
Fingers crossed. So.
Okay, so tell us, whatcan you give me, like,
the overview of the ingredientsand the steps I can get mixing
while we chat?
Yes.
So I know, first of all,you have to cook the spaghetti.
And when I will be ten,11 minutes, depending on
(06:38):
which noodles you're goingto use.
And also you want to have goodingredients because this
is almost eating it raw.
Actually, it's not likethe spaghetti where you stir
and everything and then youkeep cooking.
It's like it's raw, but it hasto get cooked raw.
(07:00):
It's almost like Caesarsalad to me.
You know how I used tomix everything?
So you need, a really goodcheese, Parmigiano.
Do you have that one?
Did you get.
I do.
Okay, so I have my cheese.
Very good.
And then, Super yummy bacon.
(07:24):
I don't.
Oh, Projeto is the name.
So because I couldn't find thatover here in Hawaii for some
reason.
Did you find.
So I.
I'm, I honestly, I hadbacon already, so I just
use my bacon.
But I got the second place one,so it's not that it's not the
cheap stuff.
(07:45):
Okay.
That's that should work.
I guess you really want that,crunchy or, like, really?
Right up to me, like,really yummy.
And then, two eggs or, raw.
Like I said, it's it's raw,so it has to be where
(08:09):
the spaghetti is.
I know you have to mix,Oh, my gosh, you have to
mix the eggs and the pepperand the cheese, and then you
make it, like, really creamy.
Okay.
Once it's like, mix, you thenmix it on a very hot noodle
(08:32):
so that it kind of cooks.
Then those tender and they'resupposed to like like adhere to
each other like it's not saucy.
Supposed to be, it's actuallysupposed to be dry tasting.
(08:53):
Okay.
Well I think it's all right.
I think that's it.
We'll we'll keep our fingerscrossed.
We'll see how this oneturns out.
And then while I'm doing that,I know one of the things
that you, you know,you mentioned that you're
willing to kind of talk about,which I so, so appreciate is,
(09:14):
is kind of the processfor you in, in, like you
mentioned, kind of goingto a to a two parent household
to getting divorced and becomingthat single parent
and some of the the strugglesand challenges that kind of came
with that.
In your experience,you mentioned, if I'm
remembering this correctly,you kind of went through the
(09:34):
process twice.
Yes.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah.
So tell me about that.
Yeah.
Because the first time I did it,I didn't completely finish.
Like, I didn't read the,the final signing of
(09:58):
the divorce.
I, I was just too emotional.
Maybe every time I have todo things, I just couldn't
face it so it laps or.
Oh, I think another could beanother 7 or 8 years.
(10:19):
Could be ten, hopefully less.
But it reached the statute oflimitation and filing a divorce.
So that's why I had to refileit again.
But that one that time,I'm already, you know,
I'm right here.
And then when I did itthe first time, so I was able
(10:43):
to go through it and, finish itup and, and finalized
their divorce, like,years later, so that. Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
So can you talk a littlebit more about you mentioned
kind of that first timethat a lot came up.
It sounds like for youthat really created, you know,
(11:06):
barriers to that filingand to kind of going
through that final step.
Can you say a little bit moreabout kind of what was coming
up for you?
What what in your experience,kind of presented those
challenges, like, so muchso that you said, you know,
you kind of stayed in it forseveral more years?
Yeah.
(11:28):
I think, well, first of all,we were married, like happily
married, for ten years.
And I feel like it was asolid marriage.
We hardly actually ever fight.
We moved to Hawaii, or we raisedour children in Honolulu,
(11:48):
so it's always just been us,right?
Like we don't havefamily around.
So we bonded so strong.
And that ten years that whensomething happened
that led to us or led to mewanting to divorce, it was
(12:13):
so devastating.
It was just one.
I couldn't believe I'm in thatsituation.
You know, my my parentsseparated, too, and I really,
when I got married,I really didn't want to be like
my parents or to end up like myparents.
Because, number one, as a child,I know how that feels, and I
(12:37):
don't want my children to feelthe same feelings that I had
growing up with such abroken family.
So when it was happening to me,I just couldn't believe it.
Because when I married,I married for for our, you know,
I don't really think aboutyou don't prepare for that time
(13:00):
when you really have to give upthe marriage and and
then knowing that you haveto reassure your children
on your own.
So there was just a lot of backand forth.
I wish I did it sooner.
I really do, because, that'sa long time to be moving around
(13:23):
those emotions.
I mean, even during that time,I felt like, I know I was
really young and there wasa point where I felt
like at age 11, he was trying totake care of me because I
was so down and depressed.
I realized that he wasn'tgoing at 11 years old.
(13:47):
He wasn't going out and and,being with friends, he would
go to school, stay at homeand, like, get me out of bed
because I won't get out of bed.
So I jump on my bed.
So then I fall on the bedso I could go to bed.
You know, he.
(14:07):
Yeah.
Trying to shake me off of that,that I was in during that time.
And then at some point,you know, I just realized that
that was happening then, thatI know I was losing
his childhood becausehe felt like he had to take
(14:30):
care of me because I was brokenduring that time.
So I'm just saying, okay,this is not right.
You know, these arethe things that I don't want
my children to undergobecause I know those feelings.
So, you know, I, I used to havethose those emotions
(14:52):
are a feeling like I haveto take care of my siblings
or my dad has to take care of usbecause my parents
are so broken, you know? Yeah.
And do you feel like youcompromise your you're
going out.
You're going out with friendsor just being a child or just
being foolish or whatever.
You you miss out on all of thatbecause you feel like you have
(15:15):
to grow up so fast to take careof yourself or to have
your sibling and I know excuseto take care of me.
You felt like you had totake care of me.
Needs to take care ofhis brother.
I just didn't want that anymore.
You know?
I felt like I had to.
I had to, you know, shake itall off and.
(15:38):
And really startfocusing on myself and then
so that I can take care ofthe kids.
Was there, like, whenyou're in it because I heard you
mentioning that, you know,you had experienced kind of
the child versionof your parents going through
that, like, was there did youstruggle with any of those
(16:03):
narratives of, gosh, I mustbe feeling or what does
this mean?
As for me as a parent,now that I'm going through these
same things that I canonly imagine, just like
being in that, especially asyou mentioned, like having
even being like in a depression,our brains can be really good
at being our worst critic.
(16:23):
And so I'm curiousif that happened for you
only like I felt like a failure,like, you know, I,
I held on to it so muchthat I thought that's what
I needed to do.
Like at some point, Doug wassleeping in, in this room.
(16:46):
Okay.
You were sleeping with mein my room.
And I thought, okay, that'sthe right thing to do
because, these the kids are,you know, they still have
both their parents in the house.
(17:07):
But, you know, we're separated,but we're not.
And I realized that kids are notdumb like, they know.
You know, it's like, it waspretending that we were
together, but we're not,you know?
(17:28):
So it was it was really moretraumatizing, and wasn't
healthy, for the kids, to tolive that way or to see that.
And then for me to kids, I don'tknow, maybe in the back
of my mind, I, we're going toget together again or,
(17:53):
this is what I need to dofor the kids.
But no, I couldn't move on.
I couldn't get healthy.
Everything was just in downwardspiral. Yeah.
I really think that, likethat, though.
(18:15):
I lost my footing, you know,doing it that way.
And I thought I was protectingthe kids, but really, I wasn't,
I wasn't, I was confusing themand hurting them more,
because I, I chose to livein that pretend life,
(18:36):
when really, in reality,it's already separated and
disconnected.
Yeah.
I wish, I wish I knew that,faster than I did.
But I know, I, you know,at that point, you do what
(18:57):
you know, and you, you justyou just see what happens
and, you know, I realized thatit was not the right setup
for the kids.
Yeah.
Was there a moment for youthat was that like, moment.
(19:18):
The you were able to kind ofmaybe shift that perspective.
The moment for me was when,well, because your father
was doing something crazy.
That's why it led meto feel the way I feel.
(19:39):
When my son's, found out whathe was doing and them
actually coming to meand telling me, oh, mom,
I know why you were sad,or I know why you're angry
with dad.
Now.
It's because he he did this.
(19:59):
So, Don, actually, you know,I guess I'm the mama bear.
Once the kids arereally affected, and I know
that they're getting affected.
That's when, like, oh,shoot, this, this is so wrong.
And that's why I'm like, no,this cannot happen anymore.
Thank you. Yes.
(20:21):
It cannot happen anymore.
So I told I remember telling meI know he was already
so in love.
He was 18 going on 19.
I said, I'm sorry,I just couldn't do this anymore.
I, I have to I have to finallyI said divorce and I know
(20:42):
it was like, oh my gosh, mom,it's been it's been ten years.
Like, you know, it's been 20and and she he's like,
if you're not going to do it,I'll do it for you, you know,
kind of thing.
So I guess I needed I needed onemore instance to happen for
some reason.
(21:03):
And actually I needed thesupport from I knew what I.
I needed him to understandthat I wasn't doing it to to
break the family, becausethat was the only thing too.
I was being told bymy crazy family that if I do
(21:26):
that, it's my fault that I'mbreaking the family.
But yeah, because I was the onewho wanted to leave.
It's my fault for doing right.
Okay.
That's that's the thing.
Right.
You know. Yeah.
You listen to other peopleand then you blame yourself
(21:47):
and you feel like a failure.
And you know, I was even toldabout this.
You're so hard head.
At least he comes home to you.
Oh, wow.
You know, all of that messed up,so what is that language or talk
that really destroyed that?
(22:09):
My my strength, I guess.
Really? Yeah.
And it was.
It was my son, too,who was there for me,
who believed in me.
And who really was behind meall the way through that made
me do that, do itthe second time and actually
(22:33):
actually, do it much betterthan I did when I did it
the first time I.
What do you mean by much better?
Can you say more about that?
I think, I was more certainand determined.
Okay.
Like, there was a point where,you know, because I was so weak
(22:58):
and broken before I was toldthat if I go through it, because
I didn't go to work either,I was still going to school,
and I didn't have Pennyto my name.
Like, I don't want to,you know, that my kids
will be taken away from mebecause I couldn't afford to
to watch over them and thingslike that.
(23:21):
And then years later, and Irealized, you.
No, I'm going to do this.
You know, I had the informationthat I needed.
I had a really good lawyer.
It's she's a friend of mine,and I was more educated about my
rights as a as a mother.
Because I 100% custodyof my kids.
(23:43):
I didn't want thatback and forth.
You know, you go herehalf the time, you go here
half the time, and then you haveto schedule whatever.
I wanted the kidshundred percent during
the second time.
I want them 100% their homehere.
(24:04):
But if Doug wants to take him,I mean, take them out.
Or if they want to,you know, sleep over at
their house and theirdad's place or whatever.
They're so welcome to do that.
Like, I didn't even have aschedule.
Whenever Doug wanted tosee them.
Yes, you can have themChristmas time when I have them.
(24:25):
Okay.
Yes, you can have them.
You know, because I knowI have them 24 seven,
so 30 requests.
You know, I never wantto use the kids against him or,
you know, between us.
So. Yeah, but it was importantto me that the kids have a home
(24:46):
or the kids have their ownroom, or, you know, that
they control their own.
So it is like a back and forthand have to negotiate time.
And, you know, no, I wantI want them to be as certain
and as grounded and knowthat 100%, this is their home.
(25:13):
And then everything else is justsupplemental and, and on.
And whatever, whatever isrequested.
But I make sure that I have them100%.
Yeah.
And, you know, I think it makesso much sense.
I hear you sayingthat, you know, there was
(25:36):
even maybe your own dialogas far as the failure.
But when you're receiving thateven from external messages,
right, that people aretelling you, like, yeah, if you
go through with this, but youknow, it's going to mean
all these like really bad thingsand this is what's going
to happen.
Like I feel like anybody in thatsituation.
Yeah, you're going to likesit there and it's going to be
(25:56):
really hard to tune outthose voices if they're
telling you know, this iswhat's going to happen.
And so much so that, you know,it sounds like for a lot of time
you just kind of shut your ownneeds off to try to survive
getting through thisbecause, like, what if this is
what it means to, you know,have a good family
is that I just have to say anyand I have to just turn off
(26:19):
all of these things that arehappening for me in this moment.
Well, then I guess that'swhat I'm going to have to
do, where I can then absolutelyappreciate why it took
almost those children, right,seeing like, we're going
to be okay, to be able toto provide that permission,
especially when you're gettingso many of those messages.
(26:39):
And I feel like I hear thatall the time where people
not only do they have their owninternal voice that are
telling them how much, you know,this is going to be a failure
and how much you're goingto screw things up, but that
they're also hearing thatfrom other people, and
that can make it that muchmore scary to kind of be
in that.
And I imagine thatfeel so lonely.
(27:02):
Absolutely.
When I almost felt like,you know, the world is not on
your side, you know, I'mnot so alone navigating
the whole thing.
And like you, you neverI never prepared for it.
Like I didn't.
(27:23):
Yeah, I like I said earlier,I married for for Amber.
Right.
That, that that was the restof my life.
So I really didn't knowhow to navigate being a
single parent.
And if my, my kids were theonly one who was there for me,
(27:44):
you know, that's what I feel.
And you know, not to blameany of my friends and family
about what was going on,but it's just, when you're
in that situation, you really.
Well, if you don't have like,a support group or if I
(28:04):
maybe didn't reach outenough or, you know,
I was really trying tojust figure things out
on my own, especially, like,you know, most of my friends
and families are notliving with me or around me
in Hawaii.
You know, they probably didn'tthey weren't aware of
(28:26):
the struggles that I wasgoing through or what the kids
are going through.
Well, I'm in that very littleplane of my life.
I was just really blessedwith having, you know,
very loving children there.
(28:48):
Probably me.
I mean, they're very young,but they were strong.
You know, kids can bevery resilient.
They, they they did really well,you know, during that time in
had a really good work, too.
I mean, I think, you know,in the States, it's it's
(29:13):
not easy to find a careerif you don't have a degree.
So I'm happy that I was ableto go to school.
I was able to find a jobin a really good school and,
and to continue thrivingthat way.
While the kids are also tryingtheir best to stay strong
(29:35):
for me, you know, yeah.
And I think what I reallyappreciated you mentioning
is that that idea.
Right. The there'sthose messages that, oh,
if you do this, it's you're,you're going to fail because you
don't have a penny to your name.
I don't know how many, you know.
(29:56):
Moms I've heard kind ofin a similar boat saying,
like, I'm so afraid to do this,because, you know, I'm, I'm
not the primary breadwinner orall of these things.
And so then they, in asimilar way, kind of feel
almost trapped, like theyhave to say, because,
(30:19):
well, you know, there's there'sa lot of fear almost there.
Yeah.
And I'll be sharing thiswith you.
And I was filling out thatquestionnaire.
You know I here in Hawaii,I don't know in other states,
but I think it is mandated herein Hawaii that when you file for
(30:40):
divorce, the court will summonyour children to go
through this, what they callkids first.
Okay.
Basically, a sessionwith the judge and some
social workers, and theythey take all the kids
(31:03):
whose parents are going throughthe divorce in a room.
And basically they teachthe kids what's going to happen,
like, oh, mom's in the in theblue house, and dad's hiding
in the green house.
And then now it's going tobe like a purple home.
(31:26):
It's green and blue, purpleor violet, you know, the primary
colors, red and blue.
All right.
Okay. Sorry.
It's not I got it.
And then, you know, youyou all of a sudden have this
purple room and then, you know,teaching them this combined,
(31:47):
you know, separated but combinedand then basically telling them
it's not your fault or whatever.
Anyway, my son's had to do thistwice because I had to file,
you know, divorce twice.
So, the first time they did it,they actually really hated
(32:09):
it already because theyfeel like it's so hokey and,
you know, whatever.
Funny.
But it's like a simulationthat the the judges
are trying to do, like, okay,you're going to be mom,
you're going to be daddy.
Actually, the parents don't getto see it.
We're like all outsidewaiting for that to happen.
(32:29):
So it's oh, like organizedby the judge and the
social workers.
So they did that the first time.
And then of course,I failed again.
Right.
So yeah, you did it before.
And then now they have to gothrough it again.
And I like totally bangbang bang them please, please I,
(32:52):
I you have to do it againbecause it's, it's a court
mandate, you know. Yeah.
I'll never forget thismoment though.
You know, when you'retalking about turning points,
I do have a lot of turningpoints where I, I, I you know,
I am where I am right nowis because, you know, and I
was trying to like begboth of them.
(33:14):
Please just do it to you.
Me I know you know,it is already just you, Marie.
Just go and, just just do whatthe judge saying.
You know, that's whatI took. Yeah.
And I will never forget this.
And I told them this many,many times.
And even in my dissertationwhen I dedicated my dissertation
to them, I wrote it there too,because it was something that
(33:38):
I will never, I mean, thatI hold dear in my heart.
And then it's it's a timewhen they said, mom, you know,
we can teach this, right?
You've been through this before.
You know, we can teachthis already.
We know what it is.
And I said, yeah, I know,I know, but just go through it.
No, no, no.
They said, no, mom,listen, listen.
(34:00):
If this is what kids first, thenthe name of the the session,
it's kids first.
So they said mom, do you knowwhat kids first is?
I said, okay, you know what?
What is kids first, mom,listen to them.
You know, going back and forth.
They said, mom, kids first.
(34:23):
It's you first.
So if you're okay, you're goingto be okay.
We're going to be okay.
Yeah.
And I, I really take thatto heart.
Like that's why I'm soon ambitious.
That's why I make sure like theyhave a home, you know?
(34:44):
I mean, I've been so blessedand lucky.
I own two homes.
I took care of them on my own.
Yeah.
So, I mean, they'resupportive. He.
I know, I've told him he'sa really good father.
I will never take thataway from him.
He is a good father.
But, you know, I cansay that I did it on my own.
(35:09):
But it's because I was soconscious that I have to be okay
for my kids to be okay.
So if I'm okay right now,if I'm.
I'm flourishing and I'mthriving and, you know, I'm
accomplishing things that I cannever like.
I hated school, but now I'ma doctor.
What's up with that?
(35:31):
Thing?
It's because that's how muchI love these two boys.
Like, I have to be super goodand so that I have these kids
will be okay.
You know who?
The the, the better I become it.
(35:56):
It's that much deeper loveI have for being a mother
and for having those twochildren.
So I'll never forgetthat my kids first is you first.
I really wrote that in my in mydissertation.
I don't know if anybody wouldunderstand that, but, Yeah,
(36:16):
that's that's onethe biggest thing that I will
never forget, like that momentthat I happened that I had
to be okay in order for my kidsto be okay.
And that's the importantthing for me.
And I think that's such, suchan important message,
(36:40):
because I think our societyjust in general, kind of has it
backwards in the sensethat there's this like idea
that if you put yourself first,if you invest in yourself
as a parent, then that somehowyou know, you're not being
a good parent because you're notputting your children first,
you're not kind ofshowing up and, and, and
(37:01):
sacrificing in that way.
And, and I think that's suchthat's a shift in that
narrative that actually,you know, as stereotypical
as it is, you know,kind of that, that flight
attendant.
Right.
Put your put your mask on.
But for the others thatit sounds like in your
experience, you seenthat firsthand, that when
(37:24):
you have kind of investedin yourself, if I'm hearing
you correctly, that onceyou've invested in yourself, it
it allowed and opened you upto be able to maybe invest
even more into your children.
Is that a fair statement?
Yeah, totally.
Like I, I don't even tell myselfI keep reinventing myself
(37:47):
because I want to be better.
Like, who would have known thatI would play tennis?
Like I'm such a klutz.
In high school, I never playedsports or anything, but actually
I've been playing tennis, tennisleagues for the last ten
years and again, it's like,why do I do what I do?
(38:08):
And I think, why?
Why even go back to schooland, and, and finish a doctorate
program or why, why buyanother home?
Like, why do I do all of thesethings and I swear it wouldn't
really matter to me if if notmy children.
(38:29):
Like, I, I don't know how elseto say it, but that's what I do.
And how I do things isbecause of how much I love my
children. And, that's that'smy bottom line.
You know, it's like I.
(38:50):
Yes, I have investedso much in myself because
I know that if I'm good,they'll be good.
So I'm.
I'm this good, then it meansthey're going to be this good.
You know, it's like, I don'tI don't know, reciprocate or the
(39:13):
correlation.
I guess, and how muchI love them is how much I get
better for myself.
Yeah.
And I imagine there'sthat modeling.
They're two way that I'mmodeling for them, what
it looks like for them toto give them permission
to invest in themselvesand to be able to kind of grow
(39:35):
and nurture and knowthat it's okay for them to spend
time and money and, and energyinto pouring into themselves to.
That's my hope.
That's that's my hope.
I hope that if they cansee their mom thriving or
surviving all of that, and ourdark ages that we went through,
(40:01):
I can only hope that in theirlater years right now, that that
that they could see, thatyou can survive these things
and you actually haveto put time in yourself.
They're going through that.
Their, they're what is that,30 in 2026 right now?
(40:29):
They're I don't know.
Yeah.
I can just rememberbeing 21 and, and 30 and trying
to figure out life and,you know, and you know,
the difference in generation.
How everything has to happen.
(40:49):
And when it's not happening,they feel like they're in
a slump or they're in adownward spiral and I'm like,
I just want to shake them.
And you know, it's a process.
You know, I going throughthis whole thing, it's
not automatic, you know, like,they it's 20 years for me,
(41:11):
you know, at least in myprofessional practice, it's
20 years.
They didn't get here.
Yes.
You know, from yesterdayin here today, you see that
that whole thing and I just wishI, you know, I do have
an impact.
I truly know that,but I just also know that
(41:31):
they're going through stuffright now.
And, yeah, I couldonly hope that they could see
that it's a process.
It's not automatic,you know, it's, that we can
survive this, you know, if youstay together.
(41:54):
If, if we're founded or groundedby love and connection and,
support, you know, patienceand resilience, all those things
that ground us, you know, thatthat everything is survive
a bowl like you can totallyovercome, like, everything.
We can overcome all thesethings.
(42:14):
And you're going through thatright now.
And yeah, I can only hope.
Right.
Because I feel like by the timethey're 18 or 20,
they have their own mindsalready.
So whatever I did beforethey turned 18 and 20, you just
hope that it's applicableor they're applying all of that
(42:35):
because you know, you want toyou want to instill some kind
of foundation, in values,beliefs.
And then when they're young,because by the time they're 18
and 20, they listen to me,they will call me from time
to time, but they're alreadynavigating things on their own.
(42:58):
And I just hope that whateverfoundation and values
that ground them will be therewith them as they navigate
through their own lives.
Right now, they're in extendedlives, right?
Yeah.
I imagine that is areally kind of scary place
to be in, to kind of see them,doing life and potentially,
(43:20):
you know, having to dealwith their own challenges,
their own hurt.
Well, at the same time,you know, respecting
they are adults and, you know,they've they've got to learn
some of these things and like,how much do you like hands on
and you intervene and how muchit's like, okay, I have to like
let them live and let themlearn some of these things
on their own for sure.
(43:42):
For sure. Yeah.
So we're in that we're inthat stage right now.
I mean, we I do have a home herein Ohio in Coppell, and I do
have a home in Maui.
So, you know, they'revery welcome to like, live with
me and stay with me and see,struggle through this whole
(44:03):
career life that they'retrying to do.
But, you know, I give themcredit right now.
They're doing it on their own.
They're both, rentingan apartment right now,
to lease, with a roommatebecause, he's, you know, he
he lives more conservativelythan they know, and they know
(44:29):
has his own apartment right now,so they are living
independently.
So I'm very proud of them.
Yeah.
It's not easy.
It's really.
It's really not.
And you almost.
No, I don't wish that it's hardfor them, but you're right.
You almost want to allow themto go through it.
(44:51):
And it's almost unfair.
I think for them, if I keep,bailing them out or if I keep,
like, offering the solutionsfor them or, you know,
always having that safety netfor them.
Yeah, yeah.
At some point we have orI have to learn to just,
(45:14):
you know, like, oh, I mean,you know, I have to I have to
do that.
I have to let go and have themgo through all of that.
Yeah. Gosh.
Okay.
So as we wrap up, oneof the questions that I
like to ask before,before we sign off is if you
(45:35):
had access to a Delorean and yougot to go, you know, back
to the past, if you will.
What age do you think you wouldgo back to when kind of offer
yourself not to not to changethe past, but rather to maybe
offer yourself some wordsor a phrase or even just
(45:59):
offer yourself a hug.
At what part in your lifedo you think you would
go back to?
When and what would you say?
Or what would you offer tothe former?
You?
I, I wish exactly 20 years ago.
(46:23):
I have the hook, you know,because it was really tough.
It was one of the toughesttimes that I had to go through.
And, and, and just to know thatit's not your fault, you know,
(46:44):
it's not. Yeah.
I've been, I've been I really,you know, I can say that I was a
really good, loyal, honest,loving wife and mother.
I took care of my family,the best that I know how.
The best that I could.
(47:07):
It wasn't.
We didn't try to be,like, a burden or anything.
That's when I went backto school and try to be,
you know, do things for myself.
Even if I remember typing andand one hand and breastfeeding
on the other, because, you know,like being a mom and and
going back to school is actuallynot the easiest thing to do.
(47:31):
But, you know, I try,I try to be really the best
person that I can be.
And when things fall apartand then you have to stand
on your own principles andyour own beliefs.
And it doesn't go the way thatother people expect it to be.
(47:57):
And it's really not your fault,you know?
Yeah, it's it's not.
And I think that's such a goodreminder.
And I hope anyone who'slistening, who's maybe feeling
a little bit of that and hearingthat, the things that people
are saying to them or feelinglike they are at fault, that
(48:21):
they can hear those wordsand be able to have that same
that same hug to themselves,that, hey, it's not your fault.
That's okay.
That's beautiful.
Well, I so appreciate you beingwilling to, open up and get
so vulnerable and real with usabout how hard it is to to do
(48:44):
this thing called parenting.
And to share this recipe.
I'm excited.
I mean, it looks like it lookslike food.
You.
Taste it.
It looks edible, so I know,just don't force yourself.
(49:06):
I want you to eat and is like,this is not what I will
try again.
Okay, well, I look forwardto hearing, when you
try it again.
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for for beingon here and chatting with us.
And thank you to everyonefor tuning in today.
(49:26):
I hope we will see you backnext time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joiningus on today's episode of
(49:47):
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
(50:07):
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family Eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
I just realized thatwas happening then, that Nainoa
(00:04):
was losing his childhood becausehe felt like he had to take
care of me.
Hey, everyone.
Thanks for joining me.
My name is Reesa and I'myour host.
(00:24):
We are talking to real familiesabout real stories here on the
real Family Eats, where we'vegot food for thought
and thoughtful food.
So let's eat.
(00:46):
Welcome back everyone.
Thanks so much for joining ustoday.
I'm so excited for today'sguest.
Today's recipe as well.
I'm excited to make it so I havethe lovely Renee Rose here
who is actually spoiler alert,my cousin coming to join
and talk a little bitabout parenting with myself.
Hi Renee, thanks so muchfor joining.
(01:07):
I'm so thanks for having me.
Yes, absolutely.
I appreciate you being willingto come chat.
Parenting, with me and andall the real stuff about
what happens as parents.
So for anybody who doesn'tknow you, like, I know you,
which is my entire life.
(01:30):
Can you introduce yourselffor us? Yes.
So I am Renee Rose.
We're our daughter.
That's actually my married name.
Maiden name is Marlo, which isthe same maiden name
as it. Really?
(01:51):
Her dad is my dad's brother.
Yeah.
And I was married.
Oh, gosh.
We back in 90, 95, 94, 95was when I was married, had my
first child, then,and then, like, ten years later,
(02:15):
became my single mom.
But I also had twochildren to to raise on my own.
So while doing that, I went backto school.
I went to college.
Completed my bachelorsand my masters during that time
(02:38):
and then worked full time.
And then after that,I had 20 years working and
20 years being a single mom.
Yeah.
Just plugging in.
And and just, doing whatI need to do in order for me
(03:00):
to survive and raisetwo beautiful boys.
And, I guess 30 yearsnow, because.
Nine.
I was turning 30.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, right on the money.
And then the entirely my secondchild.
She's he turned 26 this year.
(03:22):
So I have two grown boysnow, and me, you know,
on the way to justbeing by myself and still
being mommy now, and age, but.
Yeah.
Going through the wholeprocess of still parenting.
(03:43):
So being a mom and atthe same time, you know,
being single and findingmyself and, and doing
the profession and having thecareer and, you know, doing
a doctorate and all that stuffall together.
In 50 something years ofmy life.
(04:04):
You can doing, you know,still looking young
and thriving, I, I, I hope thatthose are in my genes as well.
So not only take the lastname, but you get the same.
The same youthful vibrance.
For sure.
For sure.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay.
(04:25):
Well, I'm so, you know, excitedto kind of be able to talk
a little bit more aboutyour story.
But before we do that,what recipe are you sharing
with our audience todayand why did you choose this one?
This is actually an interestingrequest from.
I was like, what recipe?
First of all, I don't cook, soI don't know what recipe
(04:47):
to give you.
And, I wanted to reallyknow how to make carbonara.
And this past few years,your sister and I have been
traveling to Europe, and,and we were in Europe
every place, whole and a wholenice restaurant, you know,
(05:10):
what have you.
We always order carbonarabecause it's the yummiest food.
Easiest food, I guess, thatyou can have.
And e and, and a differentplaces in Europe, Italy, France,
wherever you go.
Carbonara is, is the thingto eat.
So I was like, oh,this is so good.
(05:32):
So now I'm going backto the state.
I've been wanting to have that,you know, and to have that
carbonara taste and it's justdifferent.
It's just different.
It's much creamier here.
I went to Olive Gardenand Cheesecake Factory and all
those places.
It's just never the same.
So I figured, oh, maybe I'lldo it myself and maybe
(05:54):
I can recreate, you knowwhat I've been craving for?
I tried it once, but I thinkI know what I what went wrong,
so it's due for me totry it again.
And I hope that you're moresuccessful.
(06:14):
I mean, when I did itthe first time.
Fingers crossed. So.
Okay, so tell us, whatcan you give me, like,
the overview of the ingredientsand the steps I can get mixing
while we chat?
Yes.
So I know, first of all,you have to cook the spaghetti.
And when I will be ten,11 minutes, depending on
(06:38):
which noodles you're goingto use.
And also you want to have goodingredients because this
is almost eating it raw.
Actually, it's not likethe spaghetti where you stir
and everything and then youkeep cooking.
It's like it's raw, but it hasto get cooked raw.
(07:00):
It's almost like Caesarsalad to me.
You know how I used tomix everything?
So you need, a really goodcheese, Parmigiano.
Do you have that one?
Did you get.
I do.
Okay, so I have my cheese.
Very good.
And then, Super yummy bacon.
(07:24):
I don't.
Oh, Projeto is the name.
So because I couldn't find thatover here in Hawaii for some
reason.
Did you find.
So I.
I'm, I honestly, I hadbacon already, so I just
use my bacon.
But I got the second place one,so it's not that it's not the
cheap stuff.
(07:45):
Okay.
That's that should work.
I guess you really want that,crunchy or, like, really?
Right up to me, like,really yummy.
And then, two eggs or, raw.
Like I said, it's it's raw,so it has to be where
(08:09):
the spaghetti is.
I know you have to mix,Oh, my gosh, you have to
mix the eggs and the pepperand the cheese, and then you
make it, like, really creamy.
Okay.
Once it's like, mix, you thenmix it on a very hot noodle
(08:32):
so that it kind of cooks.
Then those tender and they'resupposed to like like adhere to
each other like it's not saucy.
Supposed to be, it's actuallysupposed to be dry tasting.
(08:53):
Okay.
Well I think it's all right.
I think that's it.
We'll we'll keep our fingerscrossed.
We'll see how this oneturns out.
And then while I'm doing that,I know one of the things
that you, you know,you mentioned that you're
willing to kind of talk about,which I so, so appreciate is,
(09:14):
is kind of the processfor you in, in, like you
mentioned, kind of goingto a to a two parent household
to getting divorced and becomingthat single parent
and some of the the strugglesand challenges that kind of came
with that.
In your experience,you mentioned, if I'm
remembering this correctly,you kind of went through the
(09:34):
process twice.
Yes.
Isn't that weird?
Yeah.
So tell me about that.
Yeah.
Because the first time I did it,I didn't completely finish.
Like, I didn't read the,the final signing of
(09:58):
the divorce.
I, I was just too emotional.
Maybe every time I have todo things, I just couldn't
face it so it laps or.
Oh, I think another could beanother 7 or 8 years.
(10:19):
Could be ten, hopefully less.
But it reached the statute oflimitation and filing a divorce.
So that's why I had to refileit again.
But that one that time,I'm already, you know,
I'm right here.
And then when I did itthe first time, so I was able
(10:43):
to go through it and, finish itup and, and finalized
their divorce, like,years later, so that. Wow.
Yeah, yeah.
So can you talk a littlebit more about you mentioned
kind of that first timethat a lot came up.
It sounds like for youthat really created, you know,
(11:06):
barriers to that filingand to kind of going
through that final step.
Can you say a little bit moreabout kind of what was coming
up for you?
What what in your experience,kind of presented those
challenges, like, so muchso that you said, you know,
you kind of stayed in it forseveral more years?
Yeah.
(11:28):
I think, well, first of all,we were married, like happily
married, for ten years.
And I feel like it was asolid marriage.
We hardly actually ever fight.
We moved to Hawaii, or we raisedour children in Honolulu,
(11:48):
so it's always just been us,right?
Like we don't havefamily around.
So we bonded so strong.
And that ten years that whensomething happened
that led to us or led to mewanting to divorce, it was
(12:13):
so devastating.
It was just one.
I couldn't believe I'm in thatsituation.
You know, my my parentsseparated, too, and I really,
when I got married,I really didn't want to be like
my parents or to end up like myparents.
Because, number one, as a child,I know how that feels, and I
(12:37):
don't want my children to feelthe same feelings that I had
growing up with such abroken family.
So when it was happening to me,I just couldn't believe it.
Because when I married,I married for for our, you know,
I don't really think aboutyou don't prepare for that time
(13:00):
when you really have to give upthe marriage and and
then knowing that you haveto reassure your children
on your own.
So there was just a lot of backand forth.
I wish I did it sooner.
I really do, because, that'sa long time to be moving around
(13:23):
those emotions.
I mean, even during that time,I felt like, I know I was
really young and there wasa point where I felt
like at age 11, he was trying totake care of me because I
was so down and depressed.
I realized that he wasn'tgoing at 11 years old.
(13:47):
He wasn't going out and and,being with friends, he would
go to school, stay at homeand, like, get me out of bed
because I won't get out of bed.
So I jump on my bed.
So then I fall on the bedso I could go to bed.
You know, he.
(14:07):
Yeah.
Trying to shake me off of that,that I was in during that time.
And then at some point,you know, I just realized that
that was happening then, thatI know I was losing
his childhood becausehe felt like he had to take
(14:30):
care of me because I was brokenduring that time.
So I'm just saying, okay,this is not right.
You know, these arethe things that I don't want
my children to undergobecause I know those feelings.
So, you know, I, I used to havethose those emotions
(14:52):
are a feeling like I haveto take care of my siblings
or my dad has to take care of usbecause my parents
are so broken, you know? Yeah.
And do you feel like youcompromise your you're
going out.
You're going out with friendsor just being a child or just
being foolish or whatever.
You you miss out on all of thatbecause you feel like you have
(15:15):
to grow up so fast to take careof yourself or to have
your sibling and I know excuseto take care of me.
You felt like you had totake care of me.
Needs to take care ofhis brother.
I just didn't want that anymore.
You know?
I felt like I had to.
I had to, you know, shake itall off and.
(15:38):
And really startfocusing on myself and then
so that I can take care ofthe kids.
Was there, like, whenyou're in it because I heard you
mentioning that, you know,you had experienced kind of
the child versionof your parents going through
that, like, was there did youstruggle with any of those
(16:03):
narratives of, gosh, I mustbe feeling or what does
this mean?
As for me as a parent,now that I'm going through these
same things that I canonly imagine, just like
being in that, especially asyou mentioned, like having
even being like in a depression,our brains can be really good
at being our worst critic.
(16:23):
And so I'm curiousif that happened for you
only like I felt like a failure,like, you know, I,
I held on to it so muchthat I thought that's what
I needed to do.
Like at some point, Doug wassleeping in, in this room.
(16:46):
Okay.
You were sleeping with mein my room.
And I thought, okay, that'sthe right thing to do
because, these the kids are,you know, they still have
both their parents in the house.
(17:07):
But, you know, we're separated,but we're not.
And I realized that kids are notdumb like, they know.
You know, it's like, it waspretending that we were
together, but we're not,you know?
(17:28):
So it was it was really moretraumatizing, and wasn't
healthy, for the kids, to tolive that way or to see that.
And then for me to kids, I don'tknow, maybe in the back
of my mind, I, we're going toget together again or,
(17:53):
this is what I need to dofor the kids.
But no, I couldn't move on.
I couldn't get healthy.
Everything was just in downwardspiral. Yeah.
I really think that, likethat, though.
(18:15):
I lost my footing, you know,doing it that way.
And I thought I was protectingthe kids, but really, I wasn't,
I wasn't, I was confusing themand hurting them more,
because I, I chose to livein that pretend life,
(18:36):
when really, in reality,it's already separated and
disconnected.
Yeah.
I wish, I wish I knew that,faster than I did.
But I know, I, you know,at that point, you do what
(18:57):
you know, and you, you justyou just see what happens
and, you know, I realized thatit was not the right setup
for the kids.
Yeah.
Was there a moment for youthat was that like, moment.
(19:18):
The you were able to kind ofmaybe shift that perspective.
The moment for me was when,well, because your father
was doing something crazy.
That's why it led meto feel the way I feel.
(19:39):
When my son's, found out whathe was doing and them
actually coming to meand telling me, oh, mom,
I know why you were sad,or I know why you're angry
with dad.
Now.
It's because he he did this.
(19:59):
So, Don, actually, you know,I guess I'm the mama bear.
Once the kids arereally affected, and I know
that they're getting affected.
That's when, like, oh,shoot, this, this is so wrong.
And that's why I'm like, no,this cannot happen anymore.
Thank you. Yes.
(20:21):
It cannot happen anymore.
So I told I remember telling meI know he was already
so in love.
He was 18 going on 19.
I said, I'm sorry,I just couldn't do this anymore.
I, I have to I have to finallyI said divorce and I know
(20:42):
it was like, oh my gosh, mom,it's been it's been ten years.
Like, you know, it's been 20and and she he's like,
if you're not going to do it,I'll do it for you, you know,
kind of thing.
So I guess I needed I needed onemore instance to happen for
some reason.
(21:03):
And actually I needed thesupport from I knew what I.
I needed him to understandthat I wasn't doing it to to
break the family, becausethat was the only thing too.
I was being told bymy crazy family that if I do
(21:26):
that, it's my fault that I'mbreaking the family.
But yeah, because I was the onewho wanted to leave.
It's my fault for doing right.
Okay.
That's that's the thing.
Right.
You know. Yeah.
You listen to other peopleand then you blame yourself
(21:47):
and you feel like a failure.
And you know, I was even toldabout this.
You're so hard head.
At least he comes home to you.
Oh, wow.
You know, all of that messed up,so what is that language or talk
that really destroyed that?
(22:09):
My my strength, I guess.
Really? Yeah.
And it was.
It was my son, too,who was there for me,
who believed in me.
And who really was behind meall the way through that made
me do that, do itthe second time and actually
(22:33):
actually, do it much betterthan I did when I did it
the first time I.
What do you mean by much better?
Can you say more about that?
I think, I was more certainand determined.
Okay.
Like, there was a point where,you know, because I was so weak
(22:58):
and broken before I was toldthat if I go through it, because
I didn't go to work either,I was still going to school,
and I didn't have Pennyto my name.
Like, I don't want to,you know, that my kids
will be taken away from mebecause I couldn't afford to
to watch over them and thingslike that.
(23:21):
And then years later, and Irealized, you.
No, I'm going to do this.
You know, I had the informationthat I needed.
I had a really good lawyer.
It's she's a friend of mine,and I was more educated about my
rights as a as a mother.
Because I 100% custodyof my kids.
(23:43):
I didn't want thatback and forth.
You know, you go herehalf the time, you go here
half the time, and then you haveto schedule whatever.
I wanted the kidshundred percent during
the second time.
I want them 100% their homehere.
(24:04):
But if Doug wants to take him,I mean, take them out.
Or if they want to,you know, sleep over at
their house and theirdad's place or whatever.
They're so welcome to do that.
Like, I didn't even have aschedule.
Whenever Doug wanted tosee them.
Yes, you can have themChristmas time when I have them.
(24:25):
Okay.
Yes, you can have them.
You know, because I knowI have them 24 seven,
so 30 requests.
You know, I never wantto use the kids against him or,
you know, between us.
So. Yeah, but it was importantto me that the kids have a home
(24:46):
or the kids have their ownroom, or, you know, that
they control their own.
So it is like a back and forthand have to negotiate time.
And, you know, no, I wantI want them to be as certain
and as grounded and knowthat 100%, this is their home.
(25:13):
And then everything else is justsupplemental and, and on.
And whatever, whatever isrequested.
But I make sure that I have them100%.
Yeah.
And, you know, I think it makesso much sense.
I hear you sayingthat, you know, there was
(25:36):
even maybe your own dialogas far as the failure.
But when you're receiving thateven from external messages,
right, that people aretelling you, like, yeah, if you
go through with this, but youknow, it's going to mean
all these like really bad thingsand this is what's going
to happen.
Like I feel like anybody in thatsituation.
Yeah, you're going to likesit there and it's going to be
(25:56):
really hard to tune outthose voices if they're
telling you know, this iswhat's going to happen.
And so much so that, you know,it sounds like for a lot of time
you just kind of shut your ownneeds off to try to survive
getting through thisbecause, like, what if this is
what it means to, you know,have a good family
is that I just have to say anyand I have to just turn off
(26:19):
all of these things that arehappening for me in this moment.
Well, then I guess that'swhat I'm going to have to
do, where I can then absolutelyappreciate why it took
almost those children, right,seeing like, we're going
to be okay, to be able toto provide that permission,
especially when you're gettingso many of those messages.
(26:39):
And I feel like I hear thatall the time where people
not only do they have their owninternal voice that are
telling them how much, you know,this is going to be a failure
and how much you're goingto screw things up, but that
they're also hearing thatfrom other people, and
that can make it that muchmore scary to kind of be
in that.
And I imagine thatfeel so lonely.
(27:02):
Absolutely.
When I almost felt like,you know, the world is not on
your side, you know, I'mnot so alone navigating
the whole thing.
And like you, you neverI never prepared for it.
Like I didn't.
(27:23):
Yeah, I like I said earlier,I married for for Amber.
Right.
That, that that was the restof my life.
So I really didn't knowhow to navigate being a
single parent.
And if my, my kids were theonly one who was there for me,
(27:44):
you know, that's what I feel.
And you know, not to blameany of my friends and family
about what was going on,but it's just, when you're
in that situation, you really.
Well, if you don't have like,a support group or if I
(28:04):
maybe didn't reach outenough or, you know,
I was really trying tojust figure things out
on my own, especially, like,you know, most of my friends
and families are notliving with me or around me
in Hawaii.
You know, they probably didn'tthey weren't aware of
(28:26):
the struggles that I wasgoing through or what the kids
are going through.
Well, I'm in that very littleplane of my life.
I was just really blessedwith having, you know,
very loving children there.
(28:48):
Probably me.
I mean, they're very young,but they were strong.
You know, kids can bevery resilient.
They, they they did really well,you know, during that time in
had a really good work, too.
I mean, I think, you know,in the States, it's it's
(29:13):
not easy to find a careerif you don't have a degree.
So I'm happy that I was ableto go to school.
I was able to find a jobin a really good school and,
and to continue thrivingthat way.
While the kids are also tryingtheir best to stay strong
(29:35):
for me, you know, yeah.
And I think what I reallyappreciated you mentioning
is that that idea.
Right. The there'sthose messages that, oh,
if you do this, it's you're,you're going to fail because you
don't have a penny to your name.
I don't know how many, you know.
(29:56):
Moms I've heard kind ofin a similar boat saying,
like, I'm so afraid to do this,because, you know, I'm, I'm
not the primary breadwinner orall of these things.
And so then they, in asimilar way, kind of feel
almost trapped, like theyhave to say, because,
(30:19):
well, you know, there's there'sa lot of fear almost there.
Yeah.
And I'll be sharing thiswith you.
And I was filling out thatquestionnaire.
You know I here in Hawaii,I don't know in other states,
but I think it is mandated herein Hawaii that when you file for
(30:40):
divorce, the court will summonyour children to go
through this, what they callkids first.
Okay.
Basically, a sessionwith the judge and some
social workers, and theythey take all the kids
(31:03):
whose parents are going throughthe divorce in a room.
And basically they teachthe kids what's going to happen,
like, oh, mom's in the in theblue house, and dad's hiding
in the green house.
And then now it's going tobe like a purple home.
(31:26):
It's green and blue, purpleor violet, you know, the primary
colors, red and blue.
All right.
Okay. Sorry.
It's not I got it.
And then, you know, youyou all of a sudden have this
purple room and then, you know,teaching them this combined,
(31:47):
you know, separated but combinedand then basically telling them
it's not your fault or whatever.
Anyway, my son's had to do thistwice because I had to file,
you know, divorce twice.
So, the first time they did it,they actually really hated
(32:09):
it already because theyfeel like it's so hokey and,
you know, whatever.
Funny.
But it's like a simulationthat the the judges
are trying to do, like, okay,you're going to be mom,
you're going to be daddy.
Actually, the parents don't getto see it.
We're like all outsidewaiting for that to happen.
(32:29):
So it's oh, like organizedby the judge and the
social workers.
So they did that the first time.
And then of course,I failed again.
Right.
So yeah, you did it before.
And then now they have to gothrough it again.
And I like totally bangbang bang them please, please I,
(32:52):
I you have to do it againbecause it's, it's a court
mandate, you know. Yeah.
I'll never forget thismoment though.
You know, when you'retalking about turning points,
I do have a lot of turningpoints where I, I, I you know,
I am where I am right nowis because, you know, and I
was trying to like begboth of them.
(33:14):
Please just do it to you.
Me I know you know,it is already just you, Marie.
Just go and, just just do whatthe judge saying.
You know, that's whatI took. Yeah.
And I will never forget this.
And I told them this many,many times.
And even in my dissertationwhen I dedicated my dissertation
to them, I wrote it there too,because it was something that
(33:38):
I will never, I mean, thatI hold dear in my heart.
And then it's it's a timewhen they said, mom, you know,
we can teach this, right?
You've been through this before.
You know, we can teachthis already.
We know what it is.
And I said, yeah, I know,I know, but just go through it.
No, no, no.
They said, no, mom,listen, listen.
(34:00):
If this is what kids first, thenthe name of the the session,
it's kids first.
So they said mom, do you knowwhat kids first is?
I said, okay, you know what?
What is kids first, mom,listen to them.
You know, going back and forth.
They said, mom, kids first.
(34:23):
It's you first.
So if you're okay, you're goingto be okay.
We're going to be okay.
Yeah.
And I, I really take thatto heart.
Like that's why I'm soon ambitious.
That's why I make sure like theyhave a home, you know?
(34:44):
I mean, I've been so blessedand lucky.
I own two homes.
I took care of them on my own.
Yeah.
So, I mean, they'resupportive. He.
I know, I've told him he'sa really good father.
I will never take thataway from him.
He is a good father.
But, you know, I cansay that I did it on my own.
(35:09):
But it's because I was soconscious that I have to be okay
for my kids to be okay.
So if I'm okay right now,if I'm.
I'm flourishing and I'mthriving and, you know, I'm
accomplishing things that I cannever like.
I hated school, but now I'ma doctor.
What's up with that?
(35:31):
Thing?
It's because that's how muchI love these two boys.
Like, I have to be super goodand so that I have these kids
will be okay.
You know who?
The the, the better I become it.
(35:56):
It's that much deeper loveI have for being a mother
and for having those twochildren.
So I'll never forgetthat my kids first is you first.
I really wrote that in my in mydissertation.
I don't know if anybody wouldunderstand that, but, Yeah,
(36:16):
that's that's onethe biggest thing that I will
never forget, like that momentthat I happened that I had
to be okay in order for my kidsto be okay.
And that's the importantthing for me.
And I think that's such, suchan important message,
(36:40):
because I think our societyjust in general, kind of has it
backwards in the sensethat there's this like idea
that if you put yourself first,if you invest in yourself
as a parent, then that somehowyou know, you're not being
a good parent because you're notputting your children first,
you're not kind ofshowing up and, and, and
(37:01):
sacrificing in that way.
And, and I think that's suchthat's a shift in that
narrative that actually,you know, as stereotypical
as it is, you know,kind of that, that flight
attendant.
Right.
Put your put your mask on.
But for the others thatit sounds like in your
experience, you seenthat firsthand, that when
(37:24):
you have kind of investedin yourself, if I'm hearing
you correctly, that onceyou've invested in yourself, it
it allowed and opened you upto be able to maybe invest
even more into your children.
Is that a fair statement?
Yeah, totally.
Like I, I don't even tell myselfI keep reinventing myself
(37:47):
because I want to be better.
Like, who would have known thatI would play tennis?
Like I'm such a klutz.
In high school, I never playedsports or anything, but actually
I've been playing tennis, tennisleagues for the last ten
years and again, it's like,why do I do what I do?
(38:08):
And I think, why?
Why even go back to schooland, and, and finish a doctorate
program or why, why buyanother home?
Like, why do I do all of thesethings and I swear it wouldn't
really matter to me if if notmy children.
(38:29):
Like, I, I don't know how elseto say it, but that's what I do.
And how I do things isbecause of how much I love my
children. And, that's that'smy bottom line.
You know, it's like I.
(38:50):
Yes, I have investedso much in myself because
I know that if I'm good,they'll be good.
So I'm.
I'm this good, then it meansthey're going to be this good.
You know, it's like, I don'tI don't know, reciprocate or the
(39:13):
correlation.
I guess, and how muchI love them is how much I get
better for myself.
Yeah.
And I imagine there'sthat modeling.
They're two way that I'mmodeling for them, what
it looks like for them toto give them permission
to invest in themselvesand to be able to kind of grow
(39:35):
and nurture and knowthat it's okay for them to spend
time and money and, and energyinto pouring into themselves to.
That's my hope.
That's that's my hope.
I hope that if they cansee their mom thriving or
surviving all of that, and ourdark ages that we went through,
(40:01):
I can only hope that in theirlater years right now, that that
that they could see, thatyou can survive these things
and you actually haveto put time in yourself.
They're going through that.
Their, they're what is that,30 in 2026 right now?
(40:29):
They're I don't know.
Yeah.
I can just rememberbeing 21 and, and 30 and trying
to figure out life and,you know, and you know,
the difference in generation.
How everything has to happen.
(40:49):
And when it's not happening,they feel like they're in
a slump or they're in adownward spiral and I'm like,
I just want to shake them.
And you know, it's a process.
You know, I going throughthis whole thing, it's
not automatic, you know, like,they it's 20 years for me,
(41:11):
you know, at least in myprofessional practice, it's
20 years.
They didn't get here.
Yes.
You know, from yesterdayin here today, you see that
that whole thing and I just wishI, you know, I do have
an impact.
I truly know that,but I just also know that
(41:31):
they're going through stuffright now.
And, yeah, I couldonly hope that they could see
that it's a process.
It's not automatic,you know, it's, that we can
survive this, you know, if youstay together.
(41:54):
If, if we're founded or groundedby love and connection and,
support, you know, patienceand resilience, all those things
that ground us, you know, thatthat everything is survive
a bowl like you can totallyovercome, like, everything.
We can overcome all thesethings.
(42:14):
And you're going through thatright now.
And yeah, I can only hope.
Right.
Because I feel like by the timethey're 18 or 20,
they have their own mindsalready.
So whatever I did beforethey turned 18 and 20, you just
hope that it's applicableor they're applying all of that
(42:35):
because you know, you want toyou want to instill some kind
of foundation, in values,beliefs.
And then when they're young,because by the time they're 18
and 20, they listen to me,they will call me from time
to time, but they're alreadynavigating things on their own.
(42:58):
And I just hope that whateverfoundation and values
that ground them will be therewith them as they navigate
through their own lives.
Right now, they're in extendedlives, right?
Yeah.
I imagine that is areally kind of scary place
to be in, to kind of see them,doing life and potentially,
(43:20):
you know, having to dealwith their own challenges,
their own hurt.
Well, at the same time,you know, respecting
they are adults and, you know,they've they've got to learn
some of these things and like,how much do you like hands on
and you intervene and how muchit's like, okay, I have to like
let them live and let themlearn some of these things
on their own for sure.
(43:42):
For sure. Yeah.
So we're in that we're inthat stage right now.
I mean, we I do have a home herein Ohio in Coppell, and I do
have a home in Maui.
So, you know, they'revery welcome to like, live with
me and stay with me and see,struggle through this whole
(44:03):
career life that they'retrying to do.
But, you know, I give themcredit right now.
They're doing it on their own.
They're both, rentingan apartment right now,
to lease, with a roommatebecause, he's, you know, he
he lives more conservativelythan they know, and they know
(44:29):
has his own apartment right now,so they are living
independently.
So I'm very proud of them.
Yeah.
It's not easy.
It's really.
It's really not.
And you almost.
No, I don't wish that it's hardfor them, but you're right.
You almost want to allow themto go through it.
(44:51):
And it's almost unfair.
I think for them, if I keep,bailing them out or if I keep,
like, offering the solutionsfor them or, you know,
always having that safety netfor them.
Yeah, yeah.
At some point we have orI have to learn to just,
(45:14):
you know, like, oh, I mean,you know, I have to I have to
do that.
I have to let go and have themgo through all of that.
Yeah. Gosh.
Okay.
So as we wrap up, oneof the questions that I
like to ask before,before we sign off is if you
(45:35):
had access to a Delorean and yougot to go, you know, back
to the past, if you will.
What age do you think you wouldgo back to when kind of offer
yourself not to not to changethe past, but rather to maybe
offer yourself some wordsor a phrase or even just
(45:59):
offer yourself a hug.
At what part in your lifedo you think you would
go back to?
When and what would you say?
Or what would you offer tothe former?
You?
I, I wish exactly 20 years ago.
(46:23):
I have the hook, you know,because it was really tough.
It was one of the toughesttimes that I had to go through.
And, and, and just to know thatit's not your fault, you know,
(46:44):
it's not. Yeah.
I've been, I've been I really,you know, I can say that I was a
really good, loyal, honest,loving wife and mother.
I took care of my family,the best that I know how.
The best that I could.
(47:07):
It wasn't.
We didn't try to be,like, a burden or anything.
That's when I went backto school and try to be,
you know, do things for myself.
Even if I remember typing andand one hand and breastfeeding
on the other, because, you know,like being a mom and and
going back to school is actuallynot the easiest thing to do.
(47:31):
But, you know, I try,I try to be really the best
person that I can be.
And when things fall apartand then you have to stand
on your own principles andyour own beliefs.
And it doesn't go the way thatother people expect it to be.
(47:57):
And it's really not your fault,you know?
Yeah, it's it's not.
And I think that's such a goodreminder.
And I hope anyone who'slistening, who's maybe feeling
a little bit of that and hearingthat, the things that people
are saying to them or feelinglike they are at fault, that
(48:21):
they can hear those wordsand be able to have that same
that same hug to themselves,that, hey, it's not your fault.
That's okay.
That's beautiful.
Well, I so appreciate you beingwilling to, open up and get
so vulnerable and real with usabout how hard it is to to do
(48:44):
this thing called parenting.
And to share this recipe.
I'm excited.
I mean, it looks like it lookslike food.
You.
Taste it.
It looks edible, so I know,just don't force yourself.
(49:06):
I want you to eat and is like,this is not what I will
try again.
Okay, well, I look forwardto hearing, when you
try it again.
Yeah, right.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for for beingon here and chatting with us.
And thank you to everyonefor tuning in today.
(49:26):
I hope we will see you backnext time.
If you or anyone that you knowis struggling with any of
the topics that we discussed intoday's episode, make sure
to check out our show notesfor support and resources.
You can get help.
Thanks again for joiningus on today's episode of
(49:47):
The Real Family Eats.
If you're a parent readyto share your real life
parenting story, make sure toreach out to us and our website
found in the show notes.
And that goes for today's recipesocial media's support
and resources.
All of that can be foundin our show notes,
so make sure to check them outand make sure to follow, like,
(50:07):
share, subscribe, and stayup to date on all things
the real family Eats.
I hope you'll join us next timefor more food for thought
and thoughtful food!Enjoy your eat!
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