July 1, 2024 • 41 mins
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"Murdering Malachi" is a special limited series by The Redacted Podcast, produced by Matt Bender and Pamela Bender.
In this deeply moving finale to the "Murdering Malachi" series, we catch up one more time with Malachi and explore his raw and poignant reflections as he navigates his harsh current realities of aging, lost dreams, and the struggle for survival. Through vivid storytelling, Malachi recounts his journey from moments of joy and success to the depths of despair and physical pain. He shares his experiences of homelessness, severe medical issues, and the kindness of strangers that have kept him going. This episode dives into the existential crisis of midlife, the loss of hope, and the relentless fight to find a sense of purpose and peace.
When we first started this series with Malachi, the idea of "Murdering Malachi" was more figurative than literal—shedding the person shaped by abuse, mental illness, poverty, and addiction. In the end, he's not really Malachi; he's just a man named Eric from Philadelphia. We've decided to start a GoFundMe for Eric with the goal of providing him with a used travel trailer and a place to stay for a year. If you've enjoyed listening to his story and would like to help, the link to the GoFundMe is below.
Help Malachi Rebuild His Life (Please note: This is specifically for Malachi's fundraiser - not a donation to the podcast - the link to donate to the show is below.)
Thank you for listening! We thrive on your support. Please subscribe to our podcast, leave a review, and share our episodes. Your engagement helps us continue to produce high-quality, thought-provoking content. Join The Redacted Podcast army and be part of a community that values truth and justice.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I mean, first off, how you been.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Everything has collapsed.
It's really a sense of guilt inme.
You know why I've had too manyblessings and who can.
I can't really say I've done awhole lot with them.
In the grand scheme of things,I haven't done much.
The only thing I've really done, if at all, is shown that there
(00:29):
can be kindness, caring andempathy in the depths of misery.
So I wasn't always miserable.
I mean, I've had my time when Iwas doing really well and all
the women liked me had a fewdollars in my pocket.
Other than being short, menwanted to be me.
I really was that guy for aminute, but eventually
(00:53):
everything caught up.
You think that?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
shifted at some point .
Was there a palpable shift orwas it?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It was somewhat gradual.
I think the main thing thathappened was when I broke up
with my last girlfriend.
I was with her for like eightyears, so when we broke up, a
lot changed.
Because one of the things Irealized was that in that eight
year span I went from, I think,39 to 46 or something like that,
(01:26):
and that youthfulness I mean 39is not youthful or 38, but
there was a certain youthfulnessstill there.
There was a certain I couldconnect to the younger
generation.
I could still be considered theyounger generation.
(01:47):
I was 39, but I could stillpass with 32, 31.
And I could still live thatlife and people would look at me
and still give me jobs thatthey give 20-year-olds because
I'm that strong.
People still had hope.
I became old overnight and Istarted realizing that all of
(02:13):
the dreams that I had, that Iused as sort of carrots to get
me through, were never going tocome true.
And the realization that theyliterally can't come true hit me
hard.
You know what's really thepoint.
You know I'm not going to writethe great American novel.
I was a gifted writer.
I was considered one of thebest writers in America.
I don't write anymore.
(02:34):
I had scholarships or offersfor wrestling.
I didn't make it to college.
I made the national team inSambo.
Never competed once.
I was in the military,basically got kicked out twice
actually.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Why don't you write anymore?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I keep telling myself I will.
I was going to do autobiographybut it was so, so complicated.
It's just so much.
Trying to compress one thing,like I started it and had like
the first five pages and then Ihad this novel that I've had on
my mind for years.
If I survive which I don't knowthat I am, because, honestly,
(03:13):
right now I'm at the very bottomTrail is gone, puck's probably
going to be gone, I'm in a cathoarder's house.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
You're in a cat hoarder's house.
You're in a cat hoarder's house.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I don't know if you remember that old lady I would
help who was a hoarder.
Yeah, I'm in a room in herhouse right now, so she took you
in.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
At least you're someplace safe.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah, craziness plus craziness is probably not a good
idea.
I've had to temper myself somebecause she does some things
that I'm like well.
I've also noticed that she'sbeen incredibly patient with me
as well, so it's like shedoesn't have to have me here.
You know, I give her some money, I buy her again.
(04:05):
When I can, I do what little Ican.
But you know, it's not enoughto have someone stay and she
doesn't have to do that and shedoes it and I'm incredibly
grateful.
And I don't know if I'm going tobe able to get my truck fixed
or not.
If I can get it fixed and if Ican somehow avoid it being
(04:29):
repossessed this month, then Ican tell myself, I can climb
back.
I can tell myself if it doesn'tget repossessed, if I make it
through this payment, it doesn'tget repossessed.
If a miracle happens and I getto pay insurance and I get it
fixed, then I can go out, notmake money like I used to, but
go out and do something.
Go out and call before I run.
(04:53):
I can do that.
I can find a way to survive.
I can find a way to make itback.
I can make it back.
I just don't know if I will.
I honestly don't know if I willor if I don't want to, and the
reason I know I can make it backis because God loves me for
(05:14):
some reason and I know who I am.
I know that, for whateverreason, I overcome until I don't
.
I overcome Until I don't.
I guess right.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
From the Redacted Podcast.
I'm Matt Bender and this isMurdering Malachi, episode 7,
(06:03):
eventually, everything Caught Up, thought up.
What makes old age so sad isnot that our joy, but rather our
hope ceases.
That's a quote from a Germanauthor named Jean-Paul, who
lived in the 16th and 17thcentury.
What Malachi just described isa very understandable feeling,
with many reaching that point inyour life when your age catches
up to you and the suddenrealization that you're not that
(06:23):
young anymore, the dreams youonce had and always thought you
had more time to accomplish nowseem unattainable.
You could almost call it amidlife crisis.
I guess that's a tough periodin life for a lot of people and
we usually associate it withsome 55-year-old guy going out
(06:46):
and buying a new wardrobe and asports car.
But what happens when you findyourself at that age and with
that same feeling and you havenothing?
No 401k, no health insurance,no house, no family?
To say that must be tough iskind of an understatement.
(07:06):
So the last time we reallyinterviewed was probably, yeah,
two months ago, two and a halfmonths ago.
So you know what's been goingon since then.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So I don't know, just know I what's been going on
since then?
So I don't know.
There's no, I was in thehospital.
I think that happenedafterwards, I think, yeah, I
think that was three weeks ago.
So I've had 15 surgeries in mylife, all sorts of random stuff.
I've had a broken back wherethey weren't sure I was going to
walk again.
I mean I mean I've, I've, I'velived life.
(07:44):
I partied way too hard, I'veworked way too hard.
You know I've lived, but thisrecent and I had two surgeries
last year for my wrist and myelbow from bad nerve damage.
So you know I'm living, youknow I'm living.
But just recently I had theabsolute worst experience.
(08:12):
It's near the top of the listof worst medical experiences a
man can go through.
And before I tell you what itis, I've actually had nurses who
were there and we talked aboutit and they were like wow, we
can't use the given birth excuseon you.
You know that whole man whonever understand the pain of
(08:35):
anything they're like.
They're like, darn it, yeah,one man, we can't use that
excuse on.
So it was kind of a runningjoke with the nurses in the
hospital that I cracked the code.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You cheated the system.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Yeah, I cheated the system, that's a good one.
So if you are a male and I'msaying biologically identify
whoever you want, that's yourchoice, but you need certain
body parts.
For this next comment, if youare biologically a male, we're
(09:12):
going to do a trigger warningbecause you might need a
chamomile tea or beer afterhearing this.
Oh God, oh yes, oh yes.
Here's the story very quickly.
I'm in a camper in florida, onthe farm, and I'm starting to
get infested with, like roachesand other little wood eating
(09:32):
bugs.
And you know, I startednoticing like, yeah, this ain't
good and I'll spray, but thenthey come back because you know
they just go out into the grassand then come back later.
I mean, I wasn't, I wasn'tfilthy, but you know things
happen, especially when you'reout in the woods.
So me and me and stinkers um,she was, uh, tethered outside
(09:53):
like a 30 foot leash safe.
You know she gets to run aroundthe grass and I left for the
day.
When I left, the day I did oneof those raid bombs foggers Came
back like 10 hours later anddidn't think much of it, took my
little outside shower.
It's Florida Been a camper, youknow, in the back of a farm, so
(10:16):
basically alone.
So I laid down naked on the bedJust cooling off.
After a little while I startednoticing we're going to refer to
them as my ping pongs just cooland all.
After a little while I startednoticing and we're going to
refer to them as my ping-pongswe can guess what part of the
male genitalia that is.
After a while, my ping-pongsstarted stinging.
I was like what is that?
(10:37):
And you know, being a dudewho's had every pain known to
man and damn near every injury,I just was like well, we'll see
if it goes away.
A few hours later it's likestarted to release.
I'm like whoa, okay, okay, thisain't good.
So then I'm like, well, we'redefinitely going to see
something about this if thisdoesn't change.
(10:58):
By the morning it's like seven,eight at night, maybe an hour
or two later, it was on fire.
It was like someone literallyhad an open flame for my ping
pongs.
I got in the car, barely drove Imean, it was just seeing me try
to drive a car while avoidingtouching my ping pongs or
(11:19):
anything.
I'm dressed.
It was a nightmare.
Got to the emergency room andat this point I couldn't sit
down.
I couldn't do anything.
They just took me immediatelyto the back.
I wasn't on the bed, I was onthe floor and like this weird
craning position with my legswide open, so nothing's touching
, nothing, for like five hours,like literally just clouched on
(11:41):
the floor, not moving for likefive hours.
And they eventually gave me allthese different MRIs and when
they gave me a sonogram, oh dearGod, oh dear God, I'm screaming
because you know, they got torub it with the oh Lord.
They didn't know what was goingon.
Everybody was perplexed who isthis guy in this horrific pain?
(12:04):
And they ambulance came andtook me to a bigger hospital,
like the hospital for the area,like this is where you go when
you're in trouble.
And they took me in and samething I'm, I'm on the floor, I
think, for like eight hours,eight to ten hours in in
crouching position.
At this point my legs are goingnumb, you know.
(12:25):
I mean like I'm just.
This is like I'm, I'm just.
Where are we going to go fromhere?
What's happening?
Try, being in a crouch positionfor like 10 hours straight, not
, not fun.
So they came in.
They didn't know what was goingon, so they're like we're just
going to take you to surgery.
We think maybe your testes aretied up.
(12:45):
We don't know what's happeningand I think by the time they
were ready to take me to surgery, I was kind of able to lay down
in this weird position becausemy legs couldn't hold me anymore
and I found a way to lay downwith one leg up, almost like I'm
in a gynecologist stirrup, butunable to move at all.
(13:07):
Like any movement at all, wasjust this horrific pain.
Finally, the surgeon.
They took me to surgery.
The surgeon came back, and Ithink it was two of them.
I've learned from experienceanytime two doctors come into a
room, you're in trouble.
They always come asreinforcements if, if they've
got some news to tell you.
(13:28):
The doctor comes in and shesays so um, this is what
happened.
I'm like, uh huh, we were aboutto perform a surgery about two.
We were about to perform asurgery when we noticed the skin
was falling off your ping pongright in front of us.
(13:52):
Oh jeez.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Oh shit.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
So we were trying to figure out what it was and no
one could.
I eventually thought back tothe rope auger, it must have
seeped into the linen which Idid not cover, didn't even think
about covering.
I had a pure chemical burn onmy ping-pongs and part of my
penis where all the skin wasgone.
(14:20):
Now I don't know for people whoare where all the skin was gone
.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Now, holy shit.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I don't know for people who are unaware of this,
I know it very well from mybones Cause I've had like eight
skin graft surgeries to burns.
I told you I've lifted Um.
But when you have no skin thatis completely open nerve endings
On top of it, being on the pingpongs, which is the single most
(14:52):
sensitive Well, we all know,just tap your man's ping pong is
very likely to see how hereacts.
Lord Jesus, I was what I callpain paralyzed.
For like three days my upperbody could move a little.
I could not move.
I just laid there my legs open.
When they went to change or doanything, or when they can't
(15:14):
even look at it, I was justscreaming, screaming, and I'm a
dude who has a high paintolerance.
Again, 16 surgeries, eight skingrafts.
You know I've been through somethings.
I'm not your typical man whereit's like baby, I've got a cold,
I'm gonna die.
You know I'm the guy that goesin the hospital and they're like
(15:35):
did you know this is alsobroken?
Oh, it is when I do that.
You know I'm that guy.
So for me to be screaming Imean screaming up and down they
knew me.
They had to come and be likecan you stop screaming.
Can you give me a new pair ofnuts?
You know, Right, you know I hadbecome known in that hospital,
(15:57):
I mean.
So, yeah, they had me onmorphine, oxycontin and some
other one that starts with a D.
I mean it was the single mostpain I'd ever felt.
I was laying there thinking tomyself.
(16:17):
I was like you know, praying toGod, like just kill me now.
I think a couple of points.
I was like just kill me now.
I'm good, I'm done, Just killme now.
And the other time that I waslike I was trying to be more
productive and I was like itcan't last forever.
You know, I just got no longer.
So it can't last forever.
(16:38):
You know it has, it will getbetter.
And I just kept holding on tothe thought of just get through
it.
It can't last forever.
The thought of just get throughit.
It can't last forever, it'sonly temporary.
It's only temporary.
So, yeah, for the first threedays I was late there, just a
zombie it it kind of it healedactually pretty fast.
(16:58):
I was only in there for like aweek, um, and they were like you
know, you can go, but it wasweird, like I once I started
healing because of the nature ofwho, like you know you can go.
But it was weird, Like once Istarted healing because of the
(17:19):
nature of up and kind of walk,which was a monumental task.
But once I kind of was able towalk, it started healing faster
and they're like well, you knowyou can go.
(17:40):
Just, you know, take care ofyourself, Be careful, Don't do
anything, you know, continueresting for another week or two,
anything you know, continueresting for another week or two.
But once I got back, the crazyfarmulator basically had evicted
me while I was paralyzed in thehospital and I was able to make
arrangements for someone tomove my trailer to some
(18:01):
veteran's yard.
You know, I went to the placewith him but it was trashed out.
It needed to be cleaned andsanitized from whatever bug
spray remnant was left.
It was just a horrible,horrible ordeal.
A local animal rescuer hadtaken stinkers while I was in
the hospital, so stinkers weresafe.
But when I got out and I wentback to the trailer I couldn't
(18:24):
live in it.
I did not have the physicalability to clean it or do
anything.
So I slept in my car for threedays.
At the end of that three days Iwas back in the emergency room.
Same pain, same hospital, thewhole rig of remote.
And at first they were like,well, because it wasn't the same
doctor, what's going on?
Why are you hurting?
(18:45):
They didn't know what was goingon.
It looked weird.
And what's going on?
You know why are you hurting?
They didn't know what was goingon.
It looked weird.
And then I think they somebodywas like oh wait, we remember
him.
And they sent me back to thebig hospital.
Back to the big hospital, Samesurgeon came in and I explained
to her that, you know, I was notable, I was not in a position
to do any, staying still, layingstill, you know, like a normal
(19:09):
human being laid down in a bedand watch TV, that I'm sleeping
in a car, surviving.
And basically what happened wasthat I caught an infection
because it wasn't fully it washealed enough to go home, but it
wasn't healed.
So here I am with skinregrowing on my ping pongs and
that skin is now swollen andinfected.
So, needless to say, it wasmassive pain again.
(19:32):
So I'm in hospital for likeanother week and a half or
something like that, and thenfinally I get released from the
hospital and I'm unable to doanything.
You know I'm I'm in my trailerfor days I think I rest, roughly
moved it somewhere and that wasjust sort of the catalyst for
(19:53):
just the fall.
It just went downhill fromthere.
But that in and of itself, fromall the hospital stays I've had
, from all the multiple injuriesI've had, from the
self-inflicted wounds I've had,it's just that was absolute
ninth or third circle of helltype of pain.
(20:18):
I don't know that I wish thaton my worst enemy, Like you'd
have to do something to mydaughter if I had one.
You know what I mean Somethingbad for me to want to wish that
kind of pain on any human beingare you kind of healed up now?
well, I'm healed, um, becausethat's what I do, it's still.
(20:40):
It's still sort of wrong, likeI've got to be aware which I'm a
clean person anyway, but I'vereally got to be extra aware of,
like, ok, it's a really hot day, let me take that, you know
sour, let me take that extrathing, let me not wear something
(21:01):
that's going to cause them to,you know, rub up against me,
like I've just got to be awarethat they are extra sensitive.
Now, you know they're already,it's already an area like if
you're a, you know, self-awarehuman being, it's your genitals.
You already want to be.
You know a lot of people don't.
(21:21):
They're sure.
But trust me, I know, um, you'dbe surprised who doesn't take
care of their generals?
But a normal, healthy,self-aware human being is
already sort of extra aware oftheir generals.
But now I have to be extra,extra aware.
But, all in all, um, it tells meit's more along the lines of
(21:44):
just the uh, snowball effect itcreated on my life in general.
Yeah, you know, being evictedby the crazy lady while
someone's paralyzed in thehospital because your bipolar
mental ass is telling you thatthey're stalking you.
It was just craziness, you know.
(22:05):
Like I said, her boyfriend, whowas the actual landowner, told
me that he hid all of his guns.
So but it's a snowball effect.
I just started losingeverything I started.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
So you don't have your trailer anymore and you
don't have the space to put iton, even if you did.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
No, the trailer got repossessed because I could no
longer keep up with the payments.
The jobs I used to get are nothiring me anymore.
You know, no matter how badlife goes, I could always just
go get hired by a moving companyand, you know, make a few
hundred or whatever.
I could always go unload acargo ship.
I could always.
You know, no matter how badlife got during the bad times,
(22:52):
um, I knew my one saving graceis that I'm hercules, you know,
and I could always go out.
There are times I'd make somereally good money just because
they had a really, really strongguy who knew what he was doing,
who wasn't just just strong butknew how to use it.
You know, there are a couple oftimes I made like 50 bucks an
hour because I would get like ajob on state property or like
(23:14):
government property just doingmanual labor.
But because I was trustworthyand strong, you know I could get
those.
I just got turned down for thefirst time in my life recently
by a moving company and it'slike they're right I think two
of them did and I was like, ohshit, like that's my safety net.
(23:38):
I guess you know, being 54,they're just like no, you know,
you can look like ArnoldSchwarzenegger, but you're 54.
We're going to give this job tothe 20 year old.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (23:51):
yeah well, and I mean then you're healing.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Probably that's not the best to be doing while
you're healing either, I'm sureoh no, the doctors told me I
should not be doing that stufffor anyone getting sweaty
lifting well, that, and rememberI had two surgeries.
So my uh, I had surgery on myelbow and my wrist last year,
where I don't know if I told youthis, but when I walked into
the doctor's office, um, and Itold them I had a, a cubidoo, uh
(24:23):
, cubidoo, uh.
Whatever it is, uh it wascubidoo tunnel yeah, cubidoo
tunnel syndrome, uh, which isnot a common thing.
And they thought like, oh, youknow you've read too many goop
and I'm like no dude.
So they gave me the test andthey're like holy crap, you're
right.
Like no one even knows whatthis is, let alone knows they
have it.
But then he looked at me andwas like but how do you not also
(24:48):
know you have carpal tunnelsyndrome in both wrists and you
have a pinched nerve on bothsides of your neck, like this?
Our machine lit up like aChristmas.
We didn't even know theselights lit up until we attached
it to you.
And so they're like first ofall, how do you not know you
(25:10):
have all this going on?
And second of all, whateveryou're doing, if you continue,
you'll be crippled by 60.
Like you.
Just, we can't believe you'rewalking now.
We can't believe you don't knowthat this much damage is going
on.
I'm like you know, I'mGeneration X.
It is what it is.
I'm just an old toot who'slived life.
But they made it plain that,yeah, well, you're not going to
(25:35):
have much life to live, whateverit was you're doing.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I think you can damage those nerves so badly
that they just I think you canget paralysis or something from
that Like in those limbs.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Definitely my hand.
Yeah, for like six months At,pins and needles in my hand for
six months straight, 24 hours aday, I almost went insane.
I literally it was like threeo'clock in the morning.
I can't sleep Cause my hand isgood.
My hand is being attacked by athousand little pins.
I it was just like you know,chinese water torture.
(26:11):
One drop feels like nothing buta thousand for six months
straight, ew, oh, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Yeah, well, it's just mentally draining too.
Yeah, besides the pain, Like hecould handle it for a little
while, but that's a long time tohave that.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Non-stop.
It's's like can you please juststop so.
And they were like they with mynerve and the cubital tunnel
syndrome for those who don'tknow, that's your funny bone
nerve.
And they said they didn't evenknow because when I opened up my
arm they said they had neverseen one that far over, like it
goes up the side of the insideof your elbow.
(26:53):
They said mine was almost onthe other side of my arm.
They said they didn't even knowif they could fix it like
they've never seen one that badbut it's good now.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
But you got to be careful with it and that's the
miracle of being.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
You know people want to hear this now, but I'll say
that's the miracle of a littlebit of Jesus in my life.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
No.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Is that no Huh?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
No, I just said yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Oh, I was like hold up now I don't know yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What's the miracle of Jesus in your life?
Speaker 2 (27:21):
I was like wait a minute, now we might have to
have a fight on this one.
I'm not standard christian, sodon't put me in a category of
those idiots.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I'm just a follower of jesus, we're a whole
different breed.
I get it I get it.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
You know we, a lot of us followers of christ, don't
exist anymore because weactually believe in love and
kindness and not judging.
We don't believe in, in, likesupporting you, in.
You know self-destructive orsinful ways like you're going to
be a crackhead we still loveyou.
You know self-destructive orsinful ways Like, yeah, go ahead
and be a crackhead, we stilllove you.
You know, go ahead and sleepwith a thousand people at night
and catch every disease on theman we still love you.
(27:54):
No, but we're just like look,baby, we love you, but you might
want to look at what you'redoing.
That's the kind you feel me.
So, anywho, there are so manythings that could have had me
crippled for life already.
So many things that could havehad me, you know, walking like
Igor, the fact that I'mbasically a functioning man, the
(28:16):
fact that I can still fight offa mugger and protect an old
lady you know I might end up inhospital with two weeks now.
You know I'm not going torecover too quick, but the fact
that I can still protect thevulnerable, the fact that I can
still walk upright, is nothingsort of a miracle.
But there's also the realitythat I roll the dice one too
(28:37):
many times now it's all going tocome crashing down.
You know I lift up.
The reality is, if I lift upone refrigerator now, that
refrigerator might it?
Just everything might pop.
You know that nerve will break,that ligament will break.
I've got a frozen knee syndrome, which means that everything in
(28:57):
my knee is damaged, yeah, butit's not damaged bad enough that
like I can't walk.
But they're like everything theACL, LCL, everything is a
little damaged.
So it's like Body's justfalling apart yeah.
Yeah, but if you push it you'regoing to be in a wheelchair.
(29:18):
So for someone whose life hasbeen up and down penthouse to
park bench, penthouse to parkbench, and with my demons and
with my issues and everythingthat's going on, I really I
don't have a 401k.
I could have prepared betterfor getting older, but surviving
(29:42):
in and of itself was so hit andrun for me.
I mean surviving for almostanyone now is, I mean who saves
for tomorrow in today's worldit's a miracle, it's a blessing.
But then you add all the stuffI got and it's like just the
fact that I made it is a miracle.
(30:03):
So, being prepared I'm not, andthe way I survived was my body
and I have taken this thing tothe limits of medical science,
yeah, so they literally don'tknow how I'm even just walking
straight anymore.
What I said, what's something?
Speaker 1 (30:23):
you can do that doesn't require your body or
what.
What, what's something?
Where could you see yourself?
What, what would what would agood future for you look like?
You know not not moving.
You know not work in manuallabor.
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (30:43):
honestly, you know, I have to accept and I'm not mad
at it, I'm not upset at the idea, it doesn't necessarily bother
me, but a humble living.
My one other skill, my oneother thing beyond manual labor
was my addiction counseling.
But there are certain reasonsthat Florida is different from
(31:06):
where I was certified, so Ican't do that here, and that
blew me out of the water.
I was certified so I can't dothat here, and that blew me out
the water.
I was like, oh, I could do that.
I was like, damn it, what elseam I going to get going?
So for me, you know I could bean old dude working the shop.
You know I could be that oldcooter, you know, working that
little wood shop shop.
(31:27):
You know I could be that oldcooter, you know, working that
little wood shop somewhere.
You know, small little,something simple to pay the
bills and I'm fine with it.
My main thing is my wants.
At this point in life, I meanI've lived it.
You know I've done the whole,been on stage for a bit, I've
(31:48):
had the gorgeous girlfriends,I've lived some life.
I've lived more life than mostpeople, in some ways Worse life
than a lot of people, but I'velived and I'm okay with the fact
that I've lived.
Right now, if I could just havesome quiet, small, peaceful
(32:08):
little corner to call my own,definitely a little bit away
from the neighborhood life.
I don't want to hear a poofyplaying that music three o'clock
in the morning.
I mean, no one does, butespecially me with PTSD and
other issues.
That's why I went to the farm,just, you know, like if I could
(32:31):
get another camper that'sactually mine and not one that's
on ridiculous payments thatjust I may not be able to afford
for a month or two and then itgets repossessed.
You know, just something smallthat's mine where I could bring
stinkers, maybe if there's, if I, you know, maybe if I have a
(32:52):
space and means I could bring in, uh, another kitty or another
rescue animal and I could beliving, work on my photography.
You know, maybe bring in, youknow, build that I have a talent
for it actually, which issurprising, people like my work.
So, yeah, I've seen it, it'sbeautiful.
Who knew?
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yeah, you do beautiful work.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Even the guy who actually taught me my first
photography lesson just like sixmonths ago saw one of my posts
and was like holy crap, like howdid you go from what I met you
to this?
I was like I don't know.
He's like you know, I'mawestruck, and this is from like
a professional photographer.
So I just need to get stabilityso that I can actually grow in
that and maybe, you know, makesome art, get some creative
(33:42):
escapism and also, you know,just create things for other
people and bring some money in.
I want to just have a nicequiet place where an encounter
will be great, because the thingabout me living is I cannot
live for just myself.
You know, even if I am old andbeat up, you know, just me
(34:02):
living for me is sort of kind ofpointless.
Like I don't really see thereason in it and it's not paying
back all the people who helpedme.
Like yeah, you helped me allthese years, so now I get to sit
and watch the prices right allday.
Like to me, that's soungrateful, so selfish, you know
(34:23):
.
Hey, thank you God for savingme from that broken back that
could have had me crippled forlife.
Thank you for saving me fromthose muggers.
Thank you for when I wasprotecting those old ladies from
that guy with the razor bladethat he didn't cut my throat.
Thank you for all that.
Now I'm just going to sit andeat tapioca pudding all day and
watch cat videos.
Just incredibly, incrediblyselfish, ungrateful and an empty
(34:48):
existence.
I want to be able to collectfood donations and medical
donations for senior citizenswith pets.
You know a lot of our seniorsand you know I know this through
Animal Rescue a lot of ourseniors are forgotten.
A lot of our seniors who haveraised children, who have raised
(35:10):
families, who have been lovingwives or husbands, who,
especially the men who work, youknow 12-hour days for like the
last 40 years and their thanksis to be left alone somewhere
forgotten.
All they have is a cat or a dog.
That's their only source oflove and they're splitting a can
(35:31):
of tuna fish from their carepackage because they can't
really afford cat food and thisanimal is the only thing keeping
them alive.
I want to be able to go andcollect donations for them.
I want to be able to help themsay, hey, here's a couple of
30-pound bags of food, here's acase of calf food.
I'll see you next month.
(35:52):
You know what I mean.
So I want to be able to goaround and give back.
I want to be able to feed thestray animals in the street that
everyone's forgotten about.
Some of them were just thrownout, a lot of them thrown out by
people who think animals willjust survive.
Well, they're wild animals.
(36:12):
No, they're not.
They're not wild animals andthis isn't the forest.
You know.
I mean this is, this isn't theforest.
So you know I want to help theones that are just forgotten,
that are thrown, thrown out,that are barely surviving.
So, you know, having just somesmall, simple space of my own
(36:34):
where I can have my piece, whereI can get back to my writing,
because I just like and that'sprobably why I'm good at
photography, because I used tobe an excellent writer.
I was really like chased afterby some publishing companies,
but then my madness took overand we all know where that got
me.
And you know, I want to be ableto finally write something of
(36:58):
substance, something extended,and maybe it will be something
that can make somethingbeautiful of the horrors I've
seen.
You know, I am an old man andright now I just I want peace,
but I want to be able to giveback.
I have to.
There's no other purpose in mesurviving if I'm not saying
(37:22):
thank you to the people whohelped me survive this long by
giving back to the world, insome way caring for those who
have no one else to care forthem.
And it's also my way ofapologizing for all the failures
that I've had, for all thetimes I let my demons beat me,
(37:43):
for all the times I asked mydemons to beat me.
Come on and take me on thisdrug run.
Come on and take me on thispsychotic run.
Come on, and you know what Imean.
I wasn't always the victim.
I volunteered.
I just I don't want to die in aplace of nothingness.
(38:04):
You know.
When this old body finallygives out, I want to at least be
able to say that for all thewrongs and all the failures, you
know at least I said thank you,I said I'm sorry and I tried to
make life a little bit easierfor those who have no one else
(38:25):
to do it for them.
Even one such as I, who livedin as great of darkness as I,
have to find salvation andkindness.
Veganism and Jesus showed methat, that the greatest weapon
(38:49):
we have against darkness iskindness, and it doesn't mean
niceness.
It means kindness.
Niceness is often emptybullcrap.
Kindness means actually doingsomething.
For me, just trying to be kindis the only salvation there.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Is he only saw race and errors.
Maybe the journey of life isn'tabout necessarily becoming
anything, but maybe it's more ofan unbecoming of everything
that isn't really us, so that wecan be who we were meant to be
(39:25):
in the first place.
Maybe that thought can applynot only to Malachi, but to a
lot of us.
It's something we face as weget older, gain wisdom.
The ego of who we thought wewere or who we were supposed to
be dies if we're lucky.
Maybe we're not thathard-working, successful
business person we thought wewere, or the perfect mother or
(39:48):
father.
We're not the athlete or thegolden child or the black sheep.
We're not addicted to drugs,ruled by vices or as ugly as we
were always telling ourselves wewere.
We're not the party animal orthe prude, or the person who has
everything together or the onewho always messes everything up.
We're not any of these things,and maybe we just need a chance,
(40:13):
a little time and understandingto prove the world otherwise.
When we first started thisseries with Malachi, the idea of
murdering Malachi was more of afigurative than a literal title
Someone who was trying to shedthe person that abuse and mental
(40:34):
illness, poverty and drugaddiction made him think he was.
In the end he's not reallyMalachi, he's just a man named
Eric that grew up inPhiladelphia in the 1970s.
We've decided to start aGoFundMe for Eric with the goal
of giving him an actual usedtravel trailer, something with a
(40:55):
proper bathroom and a smallkitchen and a place to put it.
For a year we figured we'd tryto raise about $30,000 and that
could get it done.
If you've enjoyed listening to astory and would like to help
out, you can check out the shownotes for a link to the page or
visit TheRedactedPodcastcom.
Thanks for listening.
The Redacted Podcast isproduced by myself, matt Bender,
(41:22):
and my wife, pamela Bender.
Make sure to go out there andgive us a like, a share, share
it with your friends, rate us.
Every little bit helps.
Thanks for tuning in.
Thank you.
I mean, first off, how you been.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Everything has collapsed.
It's really a sense of guilt inme.
You know why I've had too manyblessings and who can.
I can't really say I've done awhole lot with them.
In the grand scheme of things,I haven't done much.
The only thing I've really done, if at all, is shown that there
(00:29):
can be kindness, caring andempathy in the depths of misery.
So I wasn't always miserable.
I mean, I've had my time when Iwas doing really well and all
the women liked me had a fewdollars in my pocket.
Other than being short, menwanted to be me.
I really was that guy for aminute, but eventually
(00:53):
everything caught up.
You think that?
Speaker 1 (00:55):
shifted at some point .
Was there a palpable shift orwas it?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
It was somewhat gradual.
I think the main thing thathappened was when I broke up
with my last girlfriend.
I was with her for like eightyears, so when we broke up, a
lot changed.
Because one of the things Irealized was that in that eight
year span I went from, I think,39 to 46 or something like that,
(01:26):
and that youthfulness I mean 39is not youthful or 38, but
there was a certain youthfulnessstill there.
There was a certain I couldconnect to the younger
generation.
I could still be considered theyounger generation.
(01:47):
I was 39, but I could stillpass with 32, 31.
And I could still live thatlife and people would look at me
and still give me jobs thatthey give 20-year-olds because
I'm that strong.
People still had hope.
I became old overnight and Istarted realizing that all of
(02:13):
the dreams that I had, that Iused as sort of carrots to get
me through, were never going tocome true.
And the realization that theyliterally can't come true hit me
hard.
You know what's really thepoint.
You know I'm not going to writethe great American novel.
I was a gifted writer.
I was considered one of thebest writers in America.
I don't write anymore.
(02:34):
I had scholarships or offersfor wrestling.
I didn't make it to college.
I made the national team inSambo.
Never competed once.
I was in the military,basically got kicked out twice
actually.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Why don't you write anymore?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
I keep telling myself I will.
I was going to do autobiographybut it was so, so complicated.
It's just so much.
Trying to compress one thing,like I started it and had like
the first five pages and then Ihad this novel that I've had on
my mind for years.
If I survive which I don't knowthat I am, because, honestly,
(03:13):
right now I'm at the very bottomTrail is gone, puck's probably
going to be gone, I'm in a cathoarder's house.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
You're in a cat hoarder's house.
You're in a cat hoarder's house.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
I don't know if you remember that old lady I would
help who was a hoarder.
Yeah, I'm in a room in herhouse right now, so she took you
in.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
At least you're someplace safe.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah, craziness plus craziness is probably not a good
idea.
I've had to temper myself somebecause she does some things
that I'm like well.
I've also noticed that she'sbeen incredibly patient with me
as well, so it's like shedoesn't have to have me here.
You know, I give her some money, I buy her again.
(04:05):
When I can, I do what little Ican.
But you know, it's not enoughto have someone stay and she
doesn't have to do that and shedoes it and I'm incredibly
grateful.
And I don't know if I'm going tobe able to get my truck fixed
or not.
If I can get it fixed and if Ican somehow avoid it being
(04:29):
repossessed this month, then Ican tell myself, I can climb
back.
I can tell myself if it doesn'tget repossessed, if I make it
through this payment, it doesn'tget repossessed.
If a miracle happens and I getto pay insurance and I get it
fixed, then I can go out, notmake money like I used to, but
go out and do something.
Go out and call before I run.
(04:53):
I can do that.
I can find a way to survive.
I can find a way to make itback.
I can make it back.
I just don't know if I will.
I honestly don't know if I willor if I don't want to, and the
reason I know I can make it backis because God loves me for
(05:14):
some reason and I know who I am.
I know that, for whateverreason, I overcome until I don't
.
I overcome Until I don't.
I guess right.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
From the Redacted Podcast.
I'm Matt Bender and this isMurdering Malachi, episode 7,
(06:03):
eventually, everything Caught Up, thought up.
What makes old age so sad isnot that our joy, but rather our
hope ceases.
That's a quote from a Germanauthor named Jean-Paul, who
lived in the 16th and 17thcentury.
What Malachi just described isa very understandable feeling,
with many reaching that point inyour life when your age catches
up to you and the suddenrealization that you're not that
(06:23):
young anymore, the dreams youonce had and always thought you
had more time to accomplish nowseem unattainable.
You could almost call it amidlife crisis.
I guess that's a tough periodin life for a lot of people and
we usually associate it withsome 55-year-old guy going out
(06:46):
and buying a new wardrobe and asports car.
But what happens when you findyourself at that age and with
that same feeling and you havenothing?
No 401k, no health insurance,no house, no family?
To say that must be tough iskind of an understatement.
(07:06):
So the last time we reallyinterviewed was probably, yeah,
two months ago, two and a halfmonths ago.
So you know what's been goingon since then.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
So I don't know, just know I what's been going on
since then?
So I don't know.
There's no, I was in thehospital.
I think that happenedafterwards, I think, yeah, I
think that was three weeks ago.
So I've had 15 surgeries in mylife, all sorts of random stuff.
I've had a broken back wherethey weren't sure I was going to
walk again.
I mean I mean I've, I've, I'velived life.
(07:44):
I partied way too hard, I'veworked way too hard.
You know I've lived, but thisrecent and I had two surgeries
last year for my wrist and myelbow from bad nerve damage.
So you know I'm living, youknow I'm living.
But just recently I had theabsolute worst experience.
(08:12):
It's near the top of the listof worst medical experiences a
man can go through.
And before I tell you what itis, I've actually had nurses who
were there and we talked aboutit and they were like wow, we
can't use the given birth excuseon you.
You know that whole man whonever understand the pain of
(08:35):
anything they're like.
They're like, darn it, yeah,one man, we can't use that
excuse on.
So it was kind of a runningjoke with the nurses in the
hospital that I cracked the code.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You cheated the system.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
Yeah, I cheated the system, that's a good one.
So if you are a male and I'msaying biologically identify
whoever you want, that's yourchoice, but you need certain
body parts.
For this next comment, if youare biologically a male, we're
(09:12):
going to do a trigger warningbecause you might need a
chamomile tea or beer afterhearing this.
Oh God, oh yes, oh yes.
Here's the story very quickly.
I'm in a camper in florida, onthe farm, and I'm starting to
get infested with, like roachesand other little wood eating
(09:32):
bugs.
And you know, I startednoticing like, yeah, this ain't
good and I'll spray, but thenthey come back because you know
they just go out into the grassand then come back later.
I mean, I wasn't, I wasn'tfilthy, but you know things
happen, especially when you'reout in the woods.
So me and me and stinkers um,she was, uh, tethered outside
(09:53):
like a 30 foot leash safe.
You know she gets to run aroundthe grass and I left for the
day.
When I left, the day I did oneof those raid bombs foggers Came
back like 10 hours later anddidn't think much of it, took my
little outside shower.
It's Florida Been a camper, youknow, in the back of a farm, so
(10:16):
basically alone.
So I laid down naked on the bedJust cooling off.
After a little while I startednoticing we're going to refer to
them as my ping pongs just cooland all.
After a little while I startednoticing and we're going to
refer to them as my ping-pongswe can guess what part of the
male genitalia that is.
After a while, my ping-pongsstarted stinging.
I was like what is that?
(10:37):
And you know, being a dudewho's had every pain known to
man and damn near every injury,I just was like well, we'll see
if it goes away.
A few hours later it's likestarted to release.
I'm like whoa, okay, okay, thisain't good.
So then I'm like, well, we'redefinitely going to see
something about this if thisdoesn't change.
(10:58):
By the morning it's like seven,eight at night, maybe an hour
or two later, it was on fire.
It was like someone literallyhad an open flame for my ping
pongs.
I got in the car, barely drove Imean, it was just seeing me try
to drive a car while avoidingtouching my ping pongs or
(11:19):
anything.
I'm dressed.
It was a nightmare.
Got to the emergency room andat this point I couldn't sit
down.
I couldn't do anything.
They just took me immediatelyto the back.
I wasn't on the bed, I was onthe floor and like this weird
craning position with my legswide open, so nothing's touching
, nothing, for like five hours,like literally just clouched on
(11:41):
the floor, not moving for likefive hours.
And they eventually gave me allthese different MRIs and when
they gave me a sonogram, oh dearGod, oh dear God, I'm screaming
because you know, they got torub it with the oh Lord.
They didn't know what was goingon.
Everybody was perplexed who isthis guy in this horrific pain?
(12:04):
And they ambulance came andtook me to a bigger hospital,
like the hospital for the area,like this is where you go when
you're in trouble.
And they took me in and samething I'm, I'm on the floor, I
think, for like eight hours,eight to ten hours in in
crouching position.
At this point my legs are goingnumb, you know.
(12:25):
I mean like I'm just.
This is like I'm, I'm just.
Where are we going to go fromhere?
What's happening?
Try, being in a crouch positionfor like 10 hours straight, not
, not fun.
So they came in.
They didn't know what was goingon, so they're like we're just
going to take you to surgery.
We think maybe your testes aretied up.
(12:45):
We don't know what's happeningand I think by the time they
were ready to take me to surgery, I was kind of able to lay down
in this weird position becausemy legs couldn't hold me anymore
and I found a way to lay downwith one leg up, almost like I'm
in a gynecologist stirrup, butunable to move at all.
(13:07):
Like any movement at all, wasjust this horrific pain.
Finally, the surgeon.
They took me to surgery.
The surgeon came back, and Ithink it was two of them.
I've learned from experienceanytime two doctors come into a
room, you're in trouble.
They always come asreinforcements if, if they've
got some news to tell you.
(13:28):
The doctor comes in and shesays so um, this is what
happened.
I'm like, uh huh, we were aboutto perform a surgery about two.
We were about to perform asurgery when we noticed the skin
was falling off your ping pongright in front of us.
(13:52):
Oh jeez.
Speaker 1 (13:57):
Oh shit.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
So we were trying to figure out what it was and no
one could.
I eventually thought back tothe rope auger, it must have
seeped into the linen which Idid not cover, didn't even think
about covering.
I had a pure chemical burn onmy ping-pongs and part of my
penis where all the skin wasgone.
(14:20):
Now I don't know for people whoare where all the skin was gone
.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Now, holy shit.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
I don't know for people who are unaware of this,
I know it very well from mybones Cause I've had like eight
skin graft surgeries to burns.
I told you I've lifted Um.
But when you have no skin thatis completely open nerve endings
On top of it, being on the pingpongs, which is the single most
(14:52):
sensitive Well, we all know,just tap your man's ping pong is
very likely to see how hereacts.
Lord Jesus, I was what I callpain paralyzed.
For like three days my upperbody could move a little.
I could not move.
I just laid there my legs open.
When they went to change or doanything, or when they can't
(15:14):
even look at it, I was justscreaming, screaming, and I'm a
dude who has a high paintolerance.
Again, 16 surgeries, eight skingrafts.
You know I've been through somethings.
I'm not your typical man whereit's like baby, I've got a cold,
I'm gonna die.
You know I'm the guy that goesin the hospital and they're like
(15:35):
did you know this is alsobroken?
Oh, it is when I do that.
You know I'm that guy.
So for me to be screaming Imean screaming up and down they
knew me.
They had to come and be likecan you stop screaming.
Can you give me a new pair ofnuts?
You know, Right, you know I hadbecome known in that hospital,
(15:57):
I mean.
So, yeah, they had me onmorphine, oxycontin and some
other one that starts with a D.
I mean it was the single mostpain I'd ever felt.
I was laying there thinking tomyself.
(16:17):
I was like you know, praying toGod, like just kill me now.
I think a couple of points.
I was like just kill me now.
I'm good, I'm done, Just killme now.
And the other time that I waslike I was trying to be more
productive and I was like itcan't last forever.
You know, I just got no longer.
So it can't last forever.
(16:38):
You know it has, it will getbetter.
And I just kept holding on tothe thought of just get through
it.
It can't last forever.
The thought of just get throughit.
It can't last forever, it'sonly temporary.
It's only temporary.
So, yeah, for the first threedays I was late there, just a
zombie it it kind of it healedactually pretty fast.
(16:58):
I was only in there for like aweek, um, and they were like you
know, you can go, but it wasweird, like I once I started
healing because of the nature ofwho, like you know you can go.
But it was weird, Like once Istarted healing because of the
(17:19):
nature of up and kind of walk,which was a monumental task.
But once I kind of was able towalk, it started healing faster
and they're like well, you knowyou can go.
(17:40):
Just, you know, take care ofyourself, Be careful, Don't do
anything, you know, continueresting for another week or two,
anything you know, continueresting for another week or two.
But once I got back, the crazyfarmulator basically had evicted
me while I was paralyzed in thehospital and I was able to make
arrangements for someone tomove my trailer to some
(18:01):
veteran's yard.
You know, I went to the placewith him but it was trashed out.
It needed to be cleaned andsanitized from whatever bug
spray remnant was left.
It was just a horrible,horrible ordeal.
A local animal rescuer hadtaken stinkers while I was in
the hospital, so stinkers weresafe.
But when I got out and I wentback to the trailer I couldn't
(18:24):
live in it.
I did not have the physicalability to clean it or do
anything.
So I slept in my car for threedays.
At the end of that three days Iwas back in the emergency room.
Same pain, same hospital, thewhole rig of remote.
And at first they were like,well, because it wasn't the same
doctor, what's going on?
Why are you hurting?
(18:45):
They didn't know what was goingon.
It looked weird.
And what's going on?
You know why are you hurting?
They didn't know what was goingon.
It looked weird.
And then I think they somebodywas like oh wait, we remember
him.
And they sent me back to thebig hospital.
Back to the big hospital, Samesurgeon came in and I explained
to her that, you know, I was notable, I was not in a position
to do any, staying still, layingstill, you know, like a normal
(19:09):
human being laid down in a bedand watch TV, that I'm sleeping
in a car, surviving.
And basically what happened wasthat I caught an infection
because it wasn't fully it washealed enough to go home, but it
wasn't healed.
So here I am with skinregrowing on my ping pongs and
that skin is now swollen andinfected.
So, needless to say, it wasmassive pain again.
(19:32):
So I'm in hospital for likeanother week and a half or
something like that, and thenfinally I get released from the
hospital and I'm unable to doanything.
You know I'm I'm in my trailerfor days I think I rest, roughly
moved it somewhere and that wasjust sort of the catalyst for
(19:53):
just the fall.
It just went downhill fromthere.
But that in and of itself, fromall the hospital stays I've had
, from all the multiple injuriesI've had, from the
self-inflicted wounds I've had,it's just that was absolute
ninth or third circle of helltype of pain.
(20:18):
I don't know that I wish thaton my worst enemy, Like you'd
have to do something to mydaughter if I had one.
You know what I mean Somethingbad for me to want to wish that
kind of pain on any human beingare you kind of healed up now?
well, I'm healed, um, becausethat's what I do, it's still.
(20:40):
It's still sort of wrong, likeI've got to be aware which I'm a
clean person anyway, but I'vereally got to be extra aware of,
like, ok, it's a really hot day, let me take that, you know
sour, let me take that extrathing, let me not wear something
(21:01):
that's going to cause them to,you know, rub up against me,
like I've just got to be awarethat they are extra sensitive.
Now, you know they're already,it's already an area like if
you're a, you know, self-awarehuman being, it's your genitals.
You already want to be.
You know a lot of people don't.
(21:21):
They're sure.
But trust me, I know, um, you'dbe surprised who doesn't take
care of their generals?
But a normal, healthy,self-aware human being is
already sort of extra aware oftheir generals.
But now I have to be extra,extra aware.
But, all in all, um, it tells meit's more along the lines of
(21:44):
just the uh, snowball effect itcreated on my life in general.
Yeah, you know, being evictedby the crazy lady while
someone's paralyzed in thehospital because your bipolar
mental ass is telling you thatthey're stalking you.
It was just craziness, you know.
(22:05):
Like I said, her boyfriend, whowas the actual landowner, told
me that he hid all of his guns.
So but it's a snowball effect.
I just started losingeverything I started.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
So you don't have your trailer anymore and you
don't have the space to put iton, even if you did.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
No, the trailer got repossessed because I could no
longer keep up with the payments.
The jobs I used to get are nothiring me anymore.
You know, no matter how badlife goes, I could always just
go get hired by a moving companyand, you know, make a few
hundred or whatever.
I could always go unload acargo ship.
I could always.
You know, no matter how badlife got during the bad times,
(22:52):
um, I knew my one saving graceis that I'm hercules, you know,
and I could always go out.
There are times I'd make somereally good money just because
they had a really, really strongguy who knew what he was doing,
who wasn't just just strong butknew how to use it.
You know, there are a couple oftimes I made like 50 bucks an
hour because I would get like ajob on state property or like
(23:14):
government property just doingmanual labor.
But because I was trustworthyand strong, you know I could get
those.
I just got turned down for thefirst time in my life recently
by a moving company and it'slike they're right I think two
of them did and I was like, ohshit, like that's my safety net.
(23:38):
I guess you know, being 54,they're just like no, you know,
you can look like ArnoldSchwarzenegger, but you're 54.
We're going to give this job tothe 20 year old.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (23:51):
yeah well, and I mean then you're healing.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Probably that's not the best to be doing while
you're healing either, I'm sureoh no, the doctors told me I
should not be doing that stufffor anyone getting sweaty
lifting well, that, and rememberI had two surgeries.
So my uh, I had surgery on myelbow and my wrist last year,
where I don't know if I told youthis, but when I walked into
the doctor's office, um, and Itold them I had a, a cubidoo, uh
(24:23):
, cubidoo, uh.
Whatever it is, uh it wascubidoo tunnel yeah, cubidoo
tunnel syndrome, uh, which isnot a common thing.
And they thought like, oh, youknow you've read too many goop
and I'm like no dude.
So they gave me the test andthey're like holy crap, you're
right.
Like no one even knows whatthis is, let alone knows they
have it.
But then he looked at me andwas like but how do you not also
(24:48):
know you have carpal tunnelsyndrome in both wrists and you
have a pinched nerve on bothsides of your neck, like this?
Our machine lit up like aChristmas.
We didn't even know theselights lit up until we attached
it to you.
And so they're like first ofall, how do you not know you
(25:10):
have all this going on?
And second of all, whateveryou're doing, if you continue,
you'll be crippled by 60.
Like you.
Just, we can't believe you'rewalking now.
We can't believe you don't knowthat this much damage is going
on.
I'm like you know, I'mGeneration X.
It is what it is.
I'm just an old toot who'slived life.
But they made it plain that,yeah, well, you're not going to
(25:35):
have much life to live, whateverit was you're doing.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
I think you can damage those nerves so badly
that they just I think you canget paralysis or something from
that Like in those limbs.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
Definitely my hand.
Yeah, for like six months At,pins and needles in my hand for
six months straight, 24 hours aday, I almost went insane.
I literally it was like threeo'clock in the morning.
I can't sleep Cause my hand isgood.
My hand is being attacked by athousand little pins.
I it was just like you know,chinese water torture.
(26:11):
One drop feels like nothing buta thousand for six months
straight, ew, oh, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 1 (26:20):
Yeah, well, it's just mentally draining too.
Yeah, besides the pain, Like hecould handle it for a little
while, but that's a long time tohave that.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Non-stop.
It's's like can you please juststop so.
And they were like they with mynerve and the cubital tunnel
syndrome for those who don'tknow, that's your funny bone
nerve.
And they said they didn't evenknow because when I opened up my
arm they said they had neverseen one that far over, like it
goes up the side of the insideof your elbow.
(26:53):
They said mine was almost onthe other side of my arm.
They said they didn't even knowif they could fix it like
they've never seen one that badbut it's good now.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
But you got to be careful with it and that's the
miracle of being.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
You know people want to hear this now, but I'll say
that's the miracle of a littlebit of Jesus in my life.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
No.
Speaker 2 (27:09):
Is that no Huh?
Speaker 1 (27:13):
No, I just said yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Oh, I was like hold up now I don't know yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:18):
What's the miracle of Jesus in your life?
Speaker 2 (27:21):
I was like wait a minute, now we might have to
have a fight on this one.
I'm not standard christian, sodon't put me in a category of
those idiots.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I'm just a follower of jesus, we're a whole
different breed.
I get it I get it.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
You know we, a lot of us followers of christ, don't
exist anymore because weactually believe in love and
kindness and not judging.
We don't believe in, in, likesupporting you, in.
You know self-destructive orsinful ways like you're going to
be a crackhead we still loveyou.
You know self-destructive orsinful ways Like, yeah, go ahead
and be a crackhead, we stilllove you.
You know, go ahead and sleepwith a thousand people at night
and catch every disease on theman we still love you.
(27:54):
No, but we're just like look,baby, we love you, but you might
want to look at what you'redoing.
That's the kind you feel me.
So, anywho, there are so manythings that could have had me
crippled for life already.
So many things that could havehad me, you know, walking like
Igor, the fact that I'mbasically a functioning man, the
(28:16):
fact that I can still fight offa mugger and protect an old
lady you know I might end up inhospital with two weeks now.
You know I'm not going torecover too quick, but the fact
that I can still protect thevulnerable, the fact that I can
still walk upright, is nothingsort of a miracle.
But there's also the realitythat I roll the dice one too
(28:37):
many times now it's all going tocome crashing down.
You know I lift up.
The reality is, if I lift upone refrigerator now, that
refrigerator might it?
Just everything might pop.
You know that nerve will break,that ligament will break.
I've got a frozen knee syndrome, which means that everything in
(28:57):
my knee is damaged, yeah, butit's not damaged bad enough that
like I can't walk.
But they're like everything theACL, LCL, everything is a
little damaged.
So it's like Body's justfalling apart yeah.
Yeah, but if you push it you'regoing to be in a wheelchair.
(29:18):
So for someone whose life hasbeen up and down penthouse to
park bench, penthouse to parkbench, and with my demons and
with my issues and everythingthat's going on, I really I
don't have a 401k.
I could have prepared betterfor getting older, but surviving
(29:42):
in and of itself was so hit andrun for me.
I mean surviving for almostanyone now is, I mean who saves
for tomorrow in today's worldit's a miracle, it's a blessing.
But then you add all the stuffI got and it's like just the
fact that I made it is a miracle.
(30:03):
So, being prepared I'm not, andthe way I survived was my body
and I have taken this thing tothe limits of medical science,
yeah, so they literally don'tknow how I'm even just walking
straight anymore.
What I said, what's something?
Speaker 1 (30:23):
you can do that doesn't require your body or
what.
What, what's something?
Where could you see yourself?
What, what would what would agood future for you look like?
You know not not moving.
You know not work in manuallabor.
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (30:43):
honestly, you know, I have to accept and I'm not mad
at it, I'm not upset at the idea, it doesn't necessarily bother
me, but a humble living.
My one other skill, my oneother thing beyond manual labor
was my addiction counseling.
But there are certain reasonsthat Florida is different from
(31:06):
where I was certified, so Ican't do that here, and that
blew me out of the water.
I was certified so I can't dothat here, and that blew me out
the water.
I was like, oh, I could do that.
I was like, damn it, what elseam I going to get going?
So for me, you know I could bean old dude working the shop.
You know I could be that oldcooter, you know, working that
little wood shop shop.
(31:27):
You know I could be that oldcooter, you know, working that
little wood shop somewhere.
You know, small little,something simple to pay the
bills and I'm fine with it.
My main thing is my wants.
At this point in life, I meanI've lived it.
You know I've done the whole,been on stage for a bit, I've
(31:48):
had the gorgeous girlfriends,I've lived some life.
I've lived more life than mostpeople, in some ways Worse life
than a lot of people, but I'velived and I'm okay with the fact
that I've lived.
Right now, if I could just havesome quiet, small, peaceful
(32:08):
little corner to call my own,definitely a little bit away
from the neighborhood life.
I don't want to hear a poofyplaying that music three o'clock
in the morning.
I mean, no one does, butespecially me with PTSD and
other issues.
That's why I went to the farm,just, you know, like if I could
(32:31):
get another camper that'sactually mine and not one that's
on ridiculous payments thatjust I may not be able to afford
for a month or two and then itgets repossessed.
You know, just something smallthat's mine where I could bring
stinkers, maybe if there's, if I, you know, maybe if I have a
(32:52):
space and means I could bring in, uh, another kitty or another
rescue animal and I could beliving, work on my photography.
You know, maybe bring in, youknow, build that I have a talent
for it actually, which issurprising, people like my work.
So, yeah, I've seen it, it'sbeautiful.
Who knew?
Speaker 1 (33:13):
Yeah, you do beautiful work.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Even the guy who actually taught me my first
photography lesson just like sixmonths ago saw one of my posts
and was like holy crap, like howdid you go from what I met you
to this?
I was like I don't know.
He's like you know, I'mawestruck, and this is from like
a professional photographer.
So I just need to get stabilityso that I can actually grow in
that and maybe, you know, makesome art, get some creative
(33:42):
escapism and also, you know,just create things for other
people and bring some money in.
I want to just have a nicequiet place where an encounter
will be great, because the thingabout me living is I cannot
live for just myself.
You know, even if I am old andbeat up, you know, just me
(34:02):
living for me is sort of kind ofpointless.
Like I don't really see thereason in it and it's not paying
back all the people who helpedme.
Like yeah, you helped me allthese years, so now I get to sit
and watch the prices right allday.
Like to me, that's soungrateful, so selfish, you know
(34:23):
.
Hey, thank you God for savingme from that broken back that
could have had me crippled forlife.
Thank you for saving me fromthose muggers.
Thank you for when I wasprotecting those old ladies from
that guy with the razor bladethat he didn't cut my throat.
Thank you for all that.
Now I'm just going to sit andeat tapioca pudding all day and
watch cat videos.
Just incredibly, incrediblyselfish, ungrateful and an empty
(34:48):
existence.
I want to be able to collectfood donations and medical
donations for senior citizenswith pets.
You know a lot of our seniorsand you know I know this through
Animal Rescue a lot of ourseniors are forgotten.
A lot of our seniors who haveraised children, who have raised
(35:10):
families, who have been lovingwives or husbands, who,
especially the men who work, youknow 12-hour days for like the
last 40 years and their thanksis to be left alone somewhere
forgotten.
All they have is a cat or a dog.
That's their only source oflove and they're splitting a can
(35:31):
of tuna fish from their carepackage because they can't
really afford cat food and thisanimal is the only thing keeping
them alive.
I want to be able to go andcollect donations for them.
I want to be able to help themsay, hey, here's a couple of
30-pound bags of food, here's acase of calf food.
I'll see you next month.
(35:52):
You know what I mean.
So I want to be able to goaround and give back.
I want to be able to feed thestray animals in the street that
everyone's forgotten about.
Some of them were just thrownout, a lot of them thrown out by
people who think animals willjust survive.
Well, they're wild animals.
(36:12):
No, they're not.
They're not wild animals andthis isn't the forest.
You know.
I mean this is, this isn't theforest.
So you know I want to help theones that are just forgotten,
that are thrown, thrown out,that are barely surviving.
So, you know, having just somesmall, simple space of my own
(36:34):
where I can have my piece, whereI can get back to my writing,
because I just like and that'sprobably why I'm good at
photography, because I used tobe an excellent writer.
I was really like chased afterby some publishing companies,
but then my madness took overand we all know where that got
me.
And you know, I want to be ableto finally write something of
(36:58):
substance, something extended,and maybe it will be something
that can make somethingbeautiful of the horrors I've
seen.
You know, I am an old man andright now I just I want peace,
but I want to be able to giveback.
I have to.
There's no other purpose in mesurviving if I'm not saying
(37:22):
thank you to the people whohelped me survive this long by
giving back to the world, insome way caring for those who
have no one else to care forthem.
And it's also my way ofapologizing for all the failures
that I've had, for all thetimes I let my demons beat me,
(37:43):
for all the times I asked mydemons to beat me.
Come on and take me on thisdrug run.
Come on and take me on thispsychotic run.
Come on, and you know what Imean.
I wasn't always the victim.
I volunteered.
I just I don't want to die in aplace of nothingness.
(38:04):
You know.
When this old body finallygives out, I want to at least be
able to say that for all thewrongs and all the failures, you
know at least I said thank you,I said I'm sorry and I tried to
make life a little bit easierfor those who have no one else
(38:25):
to do it for them.
Even one such as I, who livedin as great of darkness as I,
have to find salvation andkindness.
Veganism and Jesus showed methat, that the greatest weapon
(38:49):
we have against darkness iskindness, and it doesn't mean
niceness.
It means kindness.
Niceness is often emptybullcrap.
Kindness means actually doingsomething.
For me, just trying to be kindis the only salvation there.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Is he only saw race and errors.
Maybe the journey of life isn'tabout necessarily becoming
anything, but maybe it's more ofan unbecoming of everything
that isn't really us, so that wecan be who we were meant to be
(39:25):
in the first place.
Maybe that thought can applynot only to Malachi, but to a
lot of us.
It's something we face as weget older, gain wisdom.
The ego of who we thought wewere or who we were supposed to
be dies if we're lucky.
Maybe we're not thathard-working, successful
business person we thought wewere, or the perfect mother or
(39:48):
father.
We're not the athlete or thegolden child or the black sheep.
We're not addicted to drugs,ruled by vices or as ugly as we
were always telling ourselves wewere.
We're not the party animal orthe prude, or the person who has
everything together or the onewho always messes everything up.
We're not any of these things,and maybe we just need a chance,
(40:13):
a little time and understandingto prove the world otherwise.
When we first started thisseries with Malachi, the idea of
murdering Malachi was more of afigurative than a literal title
Someone who was trying to shedthe person that abuse and mental
(40:34):
illness, poverty and drugaddiction made him think he was.
In the end he's not reallyMalachi, he's just a man named
Eric that grew up inPhiladelphia in the 1970s.
We've decided to start aGoFundMe for Eric with the goal
of giving him an actual usedtravel trailer, something with a
(40:55):
proper bathroom and a smallkitchen and a place to put it.
For a year we figured we'd tryto raise about $30,000 and that
could get it done.
If you've enjoyed listening to astory and would like to help
out, you can check out the shownotes for a link to the page or
visit TheRedactedPodcastcom.
Thanks for listening.
The Redacted Podcast isproduced by myself, matt Bender,
(41:22):
and my wife, pamela Bender.
Make sure to go out there andgive us a like, a share, share
it with your friends, rate us.
Every little bit helps.
Thanks for tuning in.
Thank you.
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