August 31, 2025 • 27 mins
you know how everyone says “date yourself first”? it’s not just about solo coffee shops and cute nights in- it’s about learning how to really see yourself, trust yourself, and show up for your own heart first. in this episode, i’m sharing 3 reasons why dating yourself changes everything- from the love you attract to the way you move through the world.
if you’ve been feeling disconnected, this one’s your reminder that you’re already worthy of the kind of love you want… starting with your own. 💕
want to be the first to grab the Love Yourself More deck? get notified by signing up for our emails here: https://www.theselflovearchives.com
connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia
unlock more archive content on instagram @theselflovearchive + tik tok @theselflovearchives
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Julia Salvia (00:00):
Hello and welcome back to the
Self-Love Archives podcast.
I am your host, Julia Salvia,your self love bestie.
If you are watching this onYouTube, you can obviously tell
that I am not fully dressedup and ready for this special
occasion because the podcastis always a special occasion.
I was procrastinating onfilming this intro because
(00:22):
I forgot to film the introas one does sometimes, and.
Decided that instead ofletting that get to me, I would
just show up exactly as I ambecause I think that's how
we should all be showing up.
But in today's episode, I'mgonna give you three reasons why
you should date yourself first.
(00:45):
And a lot of those haveto do with showing up
authentically as yourself.
And if you can do that, thatcan lead to better and more
fulfilling relationships.
So without further ado, adu,let's get into the episode
(01:14):
number one.
Dating is a mirror andyou have to know who's
looking back at you.
Have you ever looked back atthe people that you've dated?
You start to see a pattern,you start to see that, oh,
this X was similar to thatX, who's kind of similar to
(01:36):
that other X. And I'm not justtalking about the way that they
look, the way that they dress.
I'm talking about the way thatthey are, the way that they
made you feel, the things thatkept popping up and showing up.
Throughout every singlerelationship, and it's the
hardest thing in the world totake accountability for our role
(02:01):
in each of these relationships,but we have to take
accountability for our role ineach of these relationships.
What's the story that youkeep playing in your head?
When the same thing happensagain and again and again.
(02:22):
I know for me, if I look backat the patterns that I struggled
so hard to break in all of mypast relationships, it's that
I wasn't loving myself enoughand thought that it was okay
for these people to treat me.
(02:45):
Horribly.
But the thing is, is thatI allowed it to happen.
I allowed it to happen becauseI stayed in that relationship.
Now I give myself a littlebit of credit because as the
relationships went on, I wasquicker to leave the situation.
(03:06):
I was quicker to recognizewhat was happening.
But the problem was itwas still happening.
I wasn't leaving the minutethat it happened, and it
was a huge testament tohow I felt about myself.
The way that I was beingtreated in these relationships
(03:28):
was a genuine mirror ofhow I felt about myself,
how worthy I felt in theserelationships to these people.
And it's funny becausethere was always this pit
in my stomach that said,okay, that's not cool.
Okay, that is not okay.
(03:51):
But I still continuedto let it happen.
Oh, you know, the highs are highand the lows are low, but the
highs are high or it's good.
When it's good, it'sreally good, but when
it's bad, it's really bad.
And rather than listen to my gutthat was literally screaming at
me, because you know, deep downhow worthy of love you are, how
(04:21):
if you are in this relationshipand your gut is screaming
at you, that that is all youneed to know, that whatever is
happening, whatever is beingsaid to you, however you are
being treated, is not okay.
We attract what webelieve about ourselves.
If you don't think that you areworthy of love, neither will
(04:42):
the person that you're dating.
If you don't think that youare beautiful or that you
are intelligent, neither willthe person you are dating.
Who we are dating, whowe are in a relationship
with is a reflection.
Everything that still needshealing of everything that is
(05:05):
unhealed and everything thatis unclear about ourselves.
And you're probably wondering,okay, I, I see the pattern.
I see where I can takeaccountability for my role
in this relationship, my rolein allowing this to happen.
(05:29):
What about my next relationship?
What about the nextperson I'm dating?
How do I actuallystop this pattern?
You get to know you more.
You get to know the woman, theperson that's in the mirror
in front of you, becausethe more you know you, the
(05:50):
more you give yourself love.
The more you remindyourself how worthy and
deserving of love you are,anytime someone tries to step
all over that tell you thatyou're not that beautiful
or treat you in a way thatmakes your gut punch you from
(06:11):
the inside out, you'll leavebecause you know you are worthy
of so much more than that.
And that's not to say that ina relationship with someone
who is kind, who is good toyou, who is a right fit for
you, that certain thingsaren't going to come up.
(06:36):
But it's the way that you andyour partner deal with them
that allow you to continueto heal the parts of you
and become even more clear.
With who you are, youdeserve a relationship that
sees you for who you are.
(06:56):
But first, you need to get superclear with the person that you
are looking at in the mirror.
You have to see yourself first.
Number two.
Kind of piggybacks a littlebit off of and number one,
but number two is that youbuild and you set the standard
(07:19):
for how people treat you fromthe little to big things.
When you decide to dateyourself, when you decide to
get to know you better, youstart to ask the question,
well, would I accept thatif that was done to me?
(07:39):
Would I think that that'sokay if that was done to me.
While you're dating, whileyou're getting to know, and
dating you and cherishingyou, I want you to ask
yourself the question, areyou seeking someone to build
a foundation with, or are youseeking someone to fill a gap?
(08:03):
Are you looking for someonethat fills a hole in your life?
Or are you looking forsomeone that adds to it?
Do you believe thatyou are a whole person,
or do you think thatthere's some sort of
missing puzzle piece thata partner can fill for you?
(08:27):
The thing is, is that youare whole as you are, and
getting to a place where youcan set your own standards.
For what you're looking for ina partner starts with getting
to know yourself, getting toknow what your standard is,
(08:47):
getting to know the type ofbehavior that is absolutely
not okay, that you will notstand for, and placing a
really high value on yourselfand knowing that if anybody.
Steps below that value that youhave set for yourself that they
(09:12):
are not worthy of your love.
We get so caught up in the ideaof being worthy to someone else,
but are they worthy to you?
Are they deserving of your love?
We're in a culture ofwanting to fix someone.
(09:34):
Wanting them to fix us, wantingthem to be that puzzle piece
or fill that gap or fill ourcup for us when the only person
that really is going to saveyou or fix you, I've got air
quotes going right now, is youyour unmet desire to feel safe,
(09:58):
secure, needed, wanted, loved.
Ask yourself, can youoffer that to you first?
We're always looking forvalidation, especially in a
social media filled world,scrolling, posting, looking
(10:19):
at our likes, looking athow many people viewed
this video or that video.
We're doing the same thing inrelationships and partnerships
with other people whenwhat we should actually be
seeking is not validation,but alignment with someone.
(10:40):
Because when we're aligned withsomeone, we don't need them.
We are wanting them.
We are aligned with them.
We are working together toadd to each other's lives.
Whereas validation is thisneed, this craving almost
(11:04):
of, you know, tell me I'mpretty, but we wanna shift
from seeking validation toseeking alignment with someone.
And if someone isn't aligned.
Then they're not aligned.
And that should be an easyway to tell if this person
(11:25):
isn't your person, if thisperson isn't someone that
should be a part of your lifein this moment right now.
And that goes far beyond justrelationships with, you know,
a romantic partner that goes.
To friendships and familyand work and things that you
(11:49):
might wanna purchase or thingsthat you might wanna do.
We're looking foralignment, not validation.
Well, how do we seek alignmentover seeking validation?
Loving yourself isknowing yourself.
And when we know ourselves,we can choose things that
are in alignment with who weare, with who we know we are.
(12:13):
I'm really excitedbecause I have a brand
new card deck coming out.
It is called the Love Yourselfmore Self-Discovery card
deck, and it's all aboutgetting deeper with yourself
to learn more about you,and as we've already
(12:36):
talked about.
In this episode so far, it isso incredibly important to know
who you are because when weknow who we are, we have the
opportunity to love ourselvesmore because we know who we are.
What I want you to takeaway from this card
deck is the knowledge ofknowing yourself deeper.
(13:01):
There's three differentcategories in this card deck,
deep, deeper, and deepest.
And I wanna talk about themiddle category deeper.
Deeper is really focused onthe relationship that you
have, not just with yourself,but with other people.
How do you show up inthose relationships?
(13:21):
How do you show up for yourself?
So before I started recording,I actually pulled a card from
the deeper category, from theLove Yourself More card deck.
And I wanna readthis question to you.
You can journal this question,you can respond to it out
loud, write it in your notes,ab whatever works for you.
(13:42):
But I want you to take asecond to respond and answer
this question for yourself.
In what ways have you lostyourself trying to belong?
I know it cuts a little deep.
(14:04):
But I love this question so muchbecause sometimes we don't even
realize all of the ways thatwe are trying to belong, trying
to be like this person or in arelationship, trying not to be.
(14:24):
Difficult or trying notto be too needy or trying
not to be too distant ortrying to be more loving.
We're trying to be all ofthese things, but are they
aligned with who you are?
Are you those things or are youbeing these things that you are
(14:47):
not, and losing yourself in theprocess For more questions on
getting deeper with yourself.
Go to the self-lovearchives.com.
Number three, self intimacymakes real intimacy possible.
We've been talking a littlebit about getting to know
yourself and when you get toknow yourself, you can be a
(15:11):
better you in relationships, youcan be in more alignment with
what you want in relationships.
What about that part of beingin a relationship with someone
or being in a partnership withsomeone where you need to be
fully and irrevocably yourself?
(15:32):
I'm not talking thesurface level stuff.
I'm talking the real, true,deepest parts of you that you
don't share with the world.
We say that we want connection.
We fear being fully seen.
(15:52):
There are parts of you thatyou might not feel comfortable
sharing with the world.
And to that I saythat's totally okay.
I think that holding somethings private that are just
for us is good, is healthy.
But going back to thatquestion I just asked.
(16:15):
Are there deeper parts of youthat you don't accept, that
you are pretending don't exist?
Whether that's in yourrelationship or to yourself?
Are you being honest withwhere you are, meeting yourself
in your own healing journey?
(16:38):
Because I think that when weare honest with where we're
meeting ourselves, we can behonest with where we're at.
In a relationship becausethe truth is we can love
ourselves first, but thatdoesn't mean that we need
to fully irrevocably be atthis perfect place in order
(16:59):
to be in a relationship withsomeone, because even if we
are, that relationship is goingto bring things up for you.
Because here you are combining,intertwining your life with
another, another person.
And that person could triggersomething in you from a past
(17:21):
relationship or could saysomething that maybe they don't
see as unkind, but you do.
And being in a relationshipwith someone is a lot about
learning, but it's a lotabout learning ourselves.
Not just learningabout another person.
So if you can be honest withyourself about your fears, your
(17:47):
desires, the things that youmight not love about yourself
in the ways that you loveother things about yourself,
being honest about your habits,your wants and your needs.
Self intimacy is when youstop ghosting your own needs.
(18:07):
Because if you don't knowwhat's going on inside of you,
how can anyone ever meet you?
How can anyone ever meet youwhere you are if you don't
even know where you are?
So stop ghosting yourself, girl.
Learn more about who you are.
Pick up the phone,text yourself.
(18:31):
Write in a journal.
Learn more about you.
Some of what that could looklike is sitting in your own
discomfort, doing things byyourself, taking yourself out
on a solo date, understandingwhat makes you tick, what
makes you stressed, whatmakes you uncomfortable?
(18:55):
What are you like when thingsare just out of control?
What are you like whenthings are calm and happy?
What does yourday-to-day look like?
What do you do to makeyourself feel good?
And what do you do whenshit's hitting the fan and
(19:16):
you need to figure it out?
How do you respond inthese situations to
yourself, to others?
If you're in a relationship orlooking to be in a relationship,
how would you respond?
These types of situations do yourecognize when you're abandoning
(19:37):
yourself to take care of otherpeople's needs and wants?
Four incredible tangiblepractices that you can do to
get to know yourself on thesurface a little bit deeper or
on the deepest level is numberone, actually naming your needs.
(19:58):
Something I did when I wasdating and really needed to
kind of get clear on the typeof person I was looking for
was I middle list, and it was ashallow, partially negotiable,
partially non-negotiable,like ridiculously long
(20:21):
list of everything thatI wanted in a partner.
And by making this list, Iactually started to realize the
type of person that I wanted,and it showed me a lot of the
values that I had as a person.
I realized that the mostimportant thing to me is that
(20:43):
the people that I surroundmyself with are kind, and
that they have a good heart.
And that was number one.
On the top of my list for thetype of partner I was looking
for, but it didn't really haveanything to do with the type
of partner I was looking for,more than it did about who I
(21:04):
wanna be as a person or whoI know I am as a person, that
I have a good heart and thatI choose to be kind, naming
your needs, writing them down.
Actually talking to yourselfabout what your needs, what
your wants, and what yourvalues are as a person can
(21:24):
be such a tangible practiceto get to know who you are.
The second tangible practiceis reflective journaling.
It's kind of like writing in adiary, reflecting on different
moments that moved you.
Whether that's in a positiveor a negative way, in a
(21:46):
happy, fun, sad, angry way,reflecting on how something
made you feel so that you canget to know the why behind
why it made you feel that way.
Shadow work and inner childwork, that's number three.
(22:07):
Oh.
Shadow work and inner childwork can be super difficult.
If you're familiar with shadowwork and inner child work,
shadow work touches on thedeeper or the deepest parts
of yourself that you choose tonot accept the things that may
(22:28):
be buried so deep within youthat it could be very tough
to bring them to the surface.
This is such a cute littlemetaphor for shadow work.
There was an angler fish thathad swam to the surface from
the deep depths of the ocean,and they do not do that.
(22:53):
And I see that as you doing theshadow work, you're bringing
something that is in the deepestpart of you to the surface and.
Inspecting it.
Wondering, okay, whatis this limiting belief?
What is that fear?
(23:15):
And what are these things thatI need to look at a little
bit closer to understand thema little bit closer to get
to know why these have beeningrained and subconsciously.
Within me for so long, howdo I heal these parts of
(23:38):
myself and how do I acceptthese parts of myself?
How do I love theseparts of myself?
And that brings meto inner child work.
There are things that you,child, self, your younger
(23:58):
self, may not have gotten.
That you so desperately wanted,and doing the work to connect
with that part of yourselfcan be so empowering to know
that you as this adult, asthis person that you are now
can take care of those needsand those wants that maybe
(24:22):
a younger version of you.
Never had shadow work andinner child work are going to
be some of the deepest workthat you can do on yourself.
Some of the things that you canbring to the surface to help
you understand that when anoutburst happens, maybe in a
future relationship from you,you know where it's coming from
(24:45):
and you have the ability torecognize that, be aware of that
and say, you know, I'm sorry.
Understanding your youngerself can help you choose
the partner that you wantin life that values who you
(25:05):
are and who you have been.
And number four,intentional solo time.
Oof.
I can't stress this one enough.
There's somethingabout taking yourself.
On a picnic, on a walk,on a date, out to this
(25:25):
place, out to that placethat is so meaningful.
The way that you treatyourself is the way that
others are going to treat you.
Take yourself out on a solo dateand get to know who you are.
Get to know what you like to do.
Enjoy your own companybecause when you go into the
(25:47):
dating world to date someone.
To open your arms to thepossibility of having
a partner in your life.
You're gonna know thebare minimum of what it's
like to hang out with you.
And is this person addingto that or are they
(26:10):
taking away from that?
When you finallysee you, all of you.
You're not afraid to be seenbecause your worth is not
up for debate and you're notseeking permission to exist.
(26:30):
You know that being witnessedas you is the love that
you deserve, and thatright there starts with,
I hope that you are stillgetting to know who you are.
The most important person inyour life, whether you are
(26:50):
single in a relationship,somewhere in between,
something a little more,something a little bit less.
I hope that you are stillgetting to know you because
when we know ourselves,we love ourselves.
Thank you so much from thebottom of my heart for tuning
into this week's episode ofthe Self-Love Archives podcast.
(27:14):
Three reasons why youshould date Yourself first.
I will see you guys inthe next podcast episode.
Bye.
Hello and welcome back to the
Self-Love Archives podcast.
I am your host, Julia Salvia,your self love bestie.
If you are watching this onYouTube, you can obviously tell
that I am not fully dressedup and ready for this special
occasion because the podcastis always a special occasion.
I was procrastinating onfilming this intro because
(00:22):
I forgot to film the introas one does sometimes, and.
Decided that instead ofletting that get to me, I would
just show up exactly as I ambecause I think that's how
we should all be showing up.
But in today's episode, I'mgonna give you three reasons why
you should date yourself first.
(00:45):
And a lot of those haveto do with showing up
authentically as yourself.
And if you can do that, thatcan lead to better and more
fulfilling relationships.
So without further ado, adu,let's get into the episode
(01:14):
number one.
Dating is a mirror andyou have to know who's
looking back at you.
Have you ever looked back atthe people that you've dated?
You start to see a pattern,you start to see that, oh,
this X was similar to thatX, who's kind of similar to
(01:36):
that other X. And I'm not justtalking about the way that they
look, the way that they dress.
I'm talking about the way thatthey are, the way that they
made you feel, the things thatkept popping up and showing up.
Throughout every singlerelationship, and it's the
hardest thing in the world totake accountability for our role
(02:01):
in each of these relationships,but we have to take
accountability for our role ineach of these relationships.
What's the story that youkeep playing in your head?
When the same thing happensagain and again and again.
(02:22):
I know for me, if I look backat the patterns that I struggled
so hard to break in all of mypast relationships, it's that
I wasn't loving myself enoughand thought that it was okay
for these people to treat me.
(02:45):
Horribly.
But the thing is, is thatI allowed it to happen.
I allowed it to happen becauseI stayed in that relationship.
Now I give myself a littlebit of credit because as the
relationships went on, I wasquicker to leave the situation.
(03:06):
I was quicker to recognizewhat was happening.
But the problem was itwas still happening.
I wasn't leaving the minutethat it happened, and it
was a huge testament tohow I felt about myself.
The way that I was beingtreated in these relationships
(03:28):
was a genuine mirror ofhow I felt about myself,
how worthy I felt in theserelationships to these people.
And it's funny becausethere was always this pit
in my stomach that said,okay, that's not cool.
Okay, that is not okay.
(03:51):
But I still continuedto let it happen.
Oh, you know, the highs are highand the lows are low, but the
highs are high or it's good.
When it's good, it'sreally good, but when
it's bad, it's really bad.
And rather than listen to my gutthat was literally screaming at
me, because you know, deep downhow worthy of love you are, how
(04:21):
if you are in this relationshipand your gut is screaming
at you, that that is all youneed to know, that whatever is
happening, whatever is beingsaid to you, however you are
being treated, is not okay.
We attract what webelieve about ourselves.
If you don't think that you areworthy of love, neither will
(04:42):
the person that you're dating.
If you don't think that youare beautiful or that you
are intelligent, neither willthe person you are dating.
Who we are dating, whowe are in a relationship
with is a reflection.
Everything that still needshealing of everything that is
(05:05):
unhealed and everything thatis unclear about ourselves.
And you're probably wondering,okay, I, I see the pattern.
I see where I can takeaccountability for my role
in this relationship, my rolein allowing this to happen.
(05:29):
What about my next relationship?
What about the nextperson I'm dating?
How do I actuallystop this pattern?
You get to know you more.
You get to know the woman, theperson that's in the mirror
in front of you, becausethe more you know you, the
(05:50):
more you give yourself love.
The more you remindyourself how worthy and
deserving of love you are,anytime someone tries to step
all over that tell you thatyou're not that beautiful
or treat you in a way thatmakes your gut punch you from
(06:11):
the inside out, you'll leavebecause you know you are worthy
of so much more than that.
And that's not to say that ina relationship with someone
who is kind, who is good toyou, who is a right fit for
you, that certain thingsaren't going to come up.
(06:36):
But it's the way that you andyour partner deal with them
that allow you to continueto heal the parts of you
and become even more clear.
With who you are, youdeserve a relationship that
sees you for who you are.
(06:56):
But first, you need to get superclear with the person that you
are looking at in the mirror.
You have to see yourself first.
Number two.
Kind of piggybacks a littlebit off of and number one,
but number two is that youbuild and you set the standard
(07:19):
for how people treat you fromthe little to big things.
When you decide to dateyourself, when you decide to
get to know you better, youstart to ask the question,
well, would I accept thatif that was done to me?
(07:39):
Would I think that that'sokay if that was done to me.
While you're dating, whileyou're getting to know, and
dating you and cherishingyou, I want you to ask
yourself the question, areyou seeking someone to build
a foundation with, or are youseeking someone to fill a gap?
(08:03):
Are you looking for someonethat fills a hole in your life?
Or are you looking forsomeone that adds to it?
Do you believe thatyou are a whole person,
or do you think thatthere's some sort of
missing puzzle piece thata partner can fill for you?
(08:27):
The thing is, is that youare whole as you are, and
getting to a place where youcan set your own standards.
For what you're looking for ina partner starts with getting
to know yourself, getting toknow what your standard is,
(08:47):
getting to know the type ofbehavior that is absolutely
not okay, that you will notstand for, and placing a
really high value on yourselfand knowing that if anybody.
Steps below that value that youhave set for yourself that they
(09:12):
are not worthy of your love.
We get so caught up in the ideaof being worthy to someone else,
but are they worthy to you?
Are they deserving of your love?
We're in a culture ofwanting to fix someone.
(09:34):
Wanting them to fix us, wantingthem to be that puzzle piece
or fill that gap or fill ourcup for us when the only person
that really is going to saveyou or fix you, I've got air
quotes going right now, is youyour unmet desire to feel safe,
(09:58):
secure, needed, wanted, loved.
Ask yourself, can youoffer that to you first?
We're always looking forvalidation, especially in a
social media filled world,scrolling, posting, looking
(10:19):
at our likes, looking athow many people viewed
this video or that video.
We're doing the same thing inrelationships and partnerships
with other people whenwhat we should actually be
seeking is not validation,but alignment with someone.
(10:40):
Because when we're aligned withsomeone, we don't need them.
We are wanting them.
We are aligned with them.
We are working together toadd to each other's lives.
Whereas validation is thisneed, this craving almost
(11:04):
of, you know, tell me I'mpretty, but we wanna shift
from seeking validation toseeking alignment with someone.
And if someone isn't aligned.
Then they're not aligned.
And that should be an easyway to tell if this person
(11:25):
isn't your person, if thisperson isn't someone that
should be a part of your lifein this moment right now.
And that goes far beyond justrelationships with, you know,
a romantic partner that goes.
To friendships and familyand work and things that you
(11:49):
might wanna purchase or thingsthat you might wanna do.
We're looking foralignment, not validation.
Well, how do we seek alignmentover seeking validation?
Loving yourself isknowing yourself.
And when we know ourselves,we can choose things that
are in alignment with who weare, with who we know we are.
(12:13):
I'm really excitedbecause I have a brand
new card deck coming out.
It is called the Love Yourselfmore Self-Discovery card
deck, and it's all aboutgetting deeper with yourself
to learn more about you,and as we've already
(12:36):
talked about.
In this episode so far, it isso incredibly important to know
who you are because when weknow who we are, we have the
opportunity to love ourselvesmore because we know who we are.
What I want you to takeaway from this card
deck is the knowledge ofknowing yourself deeper.
(13:01):
There's three differentcategories in this card deck,
deep, deeper, and deepest.
And I wanna talk about themiddle category deeper.
Deeper is really focused onthe relationship that you
have, not just with yourself,but with other people.
How do you show up inthose relationships?
(13:21):
How do you show up for yourself?
So before I started recording,I actually pulled a card from
the deeper category, from theLove Yourself More card deck.
And I wanna readthis question to you.
You can journal this question,you can respond to it out
loud, write it in your notes,ab whatever works for you.
(13:42):
But I want you to take asecond to respond and answer
this question for yourself.
In what ways have you lostyourself trying to belong?
I know it cuts a little deep.
(14:04):
But I love this question so muchbecause sometimes we don't even
realize all of the ways thatwe are trying to belong, trying
to be like this person or in arelationship, trying not to be.
(14:24):
Difficult or trying notto be too needy or trying
not to be too distant ortrying to be more loving.
We're trying to be all ofthese things, but are they
aligned with who you are?
Are you those things or are youbeing these things that you are
(14:47):
not, and losing yourself in theprocess For more questions on
getting deeper with yourself.
Go to the self-lovearchives.com.
Number three, self intimacymakes real intimacy possible.
We've been talking a littlebit about getting to know
yourself and when you get toknow yourself, you can be a
(15:11):
better you in relationships, youcan be in more alignment with
what you want in relationships.
What about that part of beingin a relationship with someone
or being in a partnership withsomeone where you need to be
fully and irrevocably yourself?
(15:32):
I'm not talking thesurface level stuff.
I'm talking the real, true,deepest parts of you that you
don't share with the world.
We say that we want connection.
We fear being fully seen.
(15:52):
There are parts of you thatyou might not feel comfortable
sharing with the world.
And to that I saythat's totally okay.
I think that holding somethings private that are just
for us is good, is healthy.
But going back to thatquestion I just asked.
(16:15):
Are there deeper parts of youthat you don't accept, that
you are pretending don't exist?
Whether that's in yourrelationship or to yourself?
Are you being honest withwhere you are, meeting yourself
in your own healing journey?
(16:38):
Because I think that when weare honest with where we're
meeting ourselves, we can behonest with where we're at.
In a relationship becausethe truth is we can love
ourselves first, but thatdoesn't mean that we need
to fully irrevocably be atthis perfect place in order
(16:59):
to be in a relationship withsomeone, because even if we
are, that relationship is goingto bring things up for you.
Because here you are combining,intertwining your life with
another, another person.
And that person could triggersomething in you from a past
(17:21):
relationship or could saysomething that maybe they don't
see as unkind, but you do.
And being in a relationshipwith someone is a lot about
learning, but it's a lotabout learning ourselves.
Not just learningabout another person.
So if you can be honest withyourself about your fears, your
(17:47):
desires, the things that youmight not love about yourself
in the ways that you loveother things about yourself,
being honest about your habits,your wants and your needs.
Self intimacy is when youstop ghosting your own needs.
(18:07):
Because if you don't knowwhat's going on inside of you,
how can anyone ever meet you?
How can anyone ever meet youwhere you are if you don't
even know where you are?
So stop ghosting yourself, girl.
Learn more about who you are.
Pick up the phone,text yourself.
(18:31):
Write in a journal.
Learn more about you.
Some of what that could looklike is sitting in your own
discomfort, doing things byyourself, taking yourself out
on a solo date, understandingwhat makes you tick, what
makes you stressed, whatmakes you uncomfortable?
(18:55):
What are you like when thingsare just out of control?
What are you like whenthings are calm and happy?
What does yourday-to-day look like?
What do you do to makeyourself feel good?
And what do you do whenshit's hitting the fan and
(19:16):
you need to figure it out?
How do you respond inthese situations to
yourself, to others?
If you're in a relationship orlooking to be in a relationship,
how would you respond?
These types of situations do yourecognize when you're abandoning
(19:37):
yourself to take care of otherpeople's needs and wants?
Four incredible tangiblepractices that you can do to
get to know yourself on thesurface a little bit deeper or
on the deepest level is numberone, actually naming your needs.
(19:58):
Something I did when I wasdating and really needed to
kind of get clear on the typeof person I was looking for
was I middle list, and it was ashallow, partially negotiable,
partially non-negotiable,like ridiculously long
(20:21):
list of everything thatI wanted in a partner.
And by making this list, Iactually started to realize the
type of person that I wanted,and it showed me a lot of the
values that I had as a person.
I realized that the mostimportant thing to me is that
(20:43):
the people that I surroundmyself with are kind, and
that they have a good heart.
And that was number one.
On the top of my list for thetype of partner I was looking
for, but it didn't really haveanything to do with the type
of partner I was looking for,more than it did about who I
(21:04):
wanna be as a person or whoI know I am as a person, that
I have a good heart and thatI choose to be kind, naming
your needs, writing them down.
Actually talking to yourselfabout what your needs, what
your wants, and what yourvalues are as a person can
(21:24):
be such a tangible practiceto get to know who you are.
The second tangible practiceis reflective journaling.
It's kind of like writing in adiary, reflecting on different
moments that moved you.
Whether that's in a positiveor a negative way, in a
(21:46):
happy, fun, sad, angry way,reflecting on how something
made you feel so that you canget to know the why behind
why it made you feel that way.
Shadow work and inner childwork, that's number three.
(22:07):
Oh.
Shadow work and inner childwork can be super difficult.
If you're familiar with shadowwork and inner child work,
shadow work touches on thedeeper or the deepest parts
of yourself that you choose tonot accept the things that may
(22:28):
be buried so deep within youthat it could be very tough
to bring them to the surface.
This is such a cute littlemetaphor for shadow work.
There was an angler fish thathad swam to the surface from
the deep depths of the ocean,and they do not do that.
(22:53):
And I see that as you doing theshadow work, you're bringing
something that is in the deepestpart of you to the surface and.
Inspecting it.
Wondering, okay, whatis this limiting belief?
What is that fear?
(23:15):
And what are these things thatI need to look at a little
bit closer to understand thema little bit closer to get
to know why these have beeningrained and subconsciously.
Within me for so long, howdo I heal these parts of
(23:38):
myself and how do I acceptthese parts of myself?
How do I love theseparts of myself?
And that brings meto inner child work.
There are things that you,child, self, your younger
(23:58):
self, may not have gotten.
That you so desperately wanted,and doing the work to connect
with that part of yourselfcan be so empowering to know
that you as this adult, asthis person that you are now
can take care of those needsand those wants that maybe
(24:22):
a younger version of you.
Never had shadow work andinner child work are going to
be some of the deepest workthat you can do on yourself.
Some of the things that you canbring to the surface to help
you understand that when anoutburst happens, maybe in a
future relationship from you,you know where it's coming from
(24:45):
and you have the ability torecognize that, be aware of that
and say, you know, I'm sorry.
Understanding your youngerself can help you choose
the partner that you wantin life that values who you
(25:05):
are and who you have been.
And number four,intentional solo time.
Oof.
I can't stress this one enough.
There's somethingabout taking yourself.
On a picnic, on a walk,on a date, out to this
(25:25):
place, out to that placethat is so meaningful.
The way that you treatyourself is the way that
others are going to treat you.
Take yourself out on a solo dateand get to know who you are.
Get to know what you like to do.
Enjoy your own companybecause when you go into the
(25:47):
dating world to date someone.
To open your arms to thepossibility of having
a partner in your life.
You're gonna know thebare minimum of what it's
like to hang out with you.
And is this person addingto that or are they
(26:10):
taking away from that?
When you finallysee you, all of you.
You're not afraid to be seenbecause your worth is not
up for debate and you're notseeking permission to exist.
(26:30):
You know that being witnessedas you is the love that
you deserve, and thatright there starts with,
I hope that you are stillgetting to know who you are.
The most important person inyour life, whether you are
(26:50):
single in a relationship,somewhere in between,
something a little more,something a little bit less.
I hope that you are stillgetting to know you because
when we know ourselves,we love ourselves.
Thank you so much from thebottom of my heart for tuning
into this week's episode ofthe Self-Love Archives podcast.
(27:14):
Three reasons why youshould date Yourself first.
I will see you guys inthe next podcast episode.
Bye.
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