ever felt lost trying to figure out who you are?
in this episode, creator, amanda makabali is sharing her journey through life’s transitions—from growing up and seeking validation to learning what self-love really means. if you’re navigating change or just trying to feel more at home with yourself, this one’s for you.
check out amanda on instagram here: @makabali.af @makabalimedia
connect with julia on instagram @beautybyjulia + tik tok @juliasalvia
unlock more archive content on instagram @theselflovearchive + tik tok @theselflovearchives
sign up for the self-love archives newsletter: www.theselflovearchives.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Julia Salvia (00:00):
What is your self love journey?
Like, if you're opening abook of, like, your self love
journey, where would you putthe pin in and, like, and say,
like, this is where it started?
Amanda Makabali (00:07):
Throughout, like, my whole childhood, I feel
like I did not know who I was.
I feel like I didn't knowwhere I fit into this world.
And I feel like I cared a lotabout those specific things.
Who I was, like, what I wassupposed to do, like, if I were
to fit in, like, just beingliked and Kind of just being
more concerned with like other'sopinions of me than like my own
(00:27):
opinion of myself Just schoolin general was such a hard
time for me in so many ways.
I feel like I reallydidn't Know who I was.
I really lacked a lot ofconfidence I was really hard
on myself for so many thingsand I compared myself a lot
and comparison of courseis like the thief of joy.
So that's a lot of thethings that I used to do
was, you know, wanting tobe like specific girls.
(00:49):
And I feel like that's whereit started in a lot of ways.
As I started to lose weight,I kind of feel like I
became more confident inmyself for the first time.
And it's sad that I feel likeI have that my weight and
what I looked like had to bethe defining factor like me.
You know, loving myself.
But I do feel like in thatspecific time period, I guess
(01:12):
that like, should I have towardsmy body or what it looked
like or feeling like I needed.
to look a certain wayor being self conscious.
When that was gone, I feel likeI really started to get to know
like who I was as a person.
I was surrounded by like peopleat the time who I felt like
also kind of lifted me up andencouraged me to love myself.
Significant amount ofmy self love journey has
definitely happened inlike that time since.
Julia Salvia (01:43):
Hi Amanda, thank you so much for being on the
Self Love Archives podcast.
I'm so
Amanda Makabali (01:50):
grateful to have you here.
Yeah, I'm really excited tobe here, and honestly, I feel
like you've actually playedsuch a significant part in
my own self love journey, soI feel like it's just kind
of like a perfect, you know,place to be is on your podcast
talking about self love.
Julia Salvia (02:06):
Aww, that's so sweet, thank you!
What is your self love journey?
Like, where did it really begin
Amanda Makabali (02:14):
for you?
At my boyfriend, and I feellike he's played A really large
part in it for a lot of thetime a lot of people see me in
different ways But I feel likemy boyfriend sees me in like
the best life possible thatalso helped me kind of realize
like the really great thingsabout myself and The things I
should be loving about myself.
Julia Salvia (02:34):
There's this like paradox between How we
love ourselves is through howother people see us Or how
other people love us, and youtalked about like the, you
know, the girls in high schoolor in school that, you know,
may have not cared about whoyou are or who you truly are.
(02:58):
Besides like what you looklike on the outside versus
your boyfriend now whoreally sees all of these
parts and pieces of you.
I always love to bringup the saying because
I hate the saying.
It's like sticks and stonesmay break my bones but
words will never hurt me.
And I think it's so untrueand such a flawed statement
(03:19):
because it really, wordsreally do affect us and how
Um, and it's not just likehow someone treats us, right?
Or how someone physicallytreats us, it's how someone
speaks about us, talks to us,in so many different ways.
And that can reallyhave a positive or a
negative reflection onwho we are as a person.
(03:40):
Of course, at the end ofthe day, We should love
ourselves exactly as, youknow, as we are, all the,
all the bits and pieces,everything on the inside,
everything on the outside, thegood, the bad, the ugly, the
beautiful, whatever it may be.
But it's interesting that theoutside world has some sort
(04:01):
of, like, effect on, on that.
And how that can reallychange how we love ourselves.
Amanda Mak (04:11):
Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Our first introduction toourselves is through almost the
eyes of others a lot of times.
As children, you know, we'renot, we're still getting to know
ourselves, like, growing up,being a teenager, I feel like
even into being a young adult.
I've only, maybe in the past,you know, five years, I could
(04:32):
say, it's like, When I would sayI've really felt like I know who
I am and like if that versionof me met me today Like I would
be completely shocked about howmuch confidence that I do have.
I feel like I started contentcreation Back in like 2016,
2017 and like that came outof a time of like one of the
(04:55):
hardest periods of my lifeBecause I was sexually assaulted
my freshman year in collegeso after that like my early
20s like Last years of being ateenager early 20s We're living
in just such a state of traumaand such a state of survival
that Trying to get to knowmyself and trying to Love myself
(05:20):
was made that much harder.
Many people go to college andlike, you know That's their
first time having this freedomand like getting to know
themselves Like you also haveto deal with this while trying
to find yourself while tryingto graduate college I turned to
creating content in that timeperiod it was like right after
Around when I graduated, it waskind of around the same time.
(05:41):
I feel like I was finally donewith school and I didn't know
what I wanted for my life.
I felt like I just spent thepast, you know, four years
at that point, just tryingto, uh, make up lost time.
In my education and like stillgraduate on time because when
I was finally done I just Ididn't know what was next and
I was in a similar time period.
(06:01):
I guess that i'm in now exceptnow It's just a little bit
less traumatic and a littlebit more happy, but I turned to
content creation as like a formof self expression it was kind
of a kickstart of me realizinglike how capable I was of doing
whatever I wanted to and howcapable I am of, you know, if
I put my mind to something thatlike I can do it, I can figure
(06:22):
it out and like I can succeed.
When you started kind ofshifting away from beauty to
more lifestyle and your selflove content, I feel like
that's when I really was justlike, I felt so like related
to everything that you weresaying, like all the things
that you would speak about.
Um, I feel like you mademe feel comfortable in my
(06:43):
body, especially because.
In kind of in betweenthat weight loss period
that I had talked about.
And now I hate like corporateAmerica really stresses you out.
Sometimes I gained a lot ofweight and I had a really tough
time from going to like thesmallish for smallest version
of myself and kind of likegaining that way back, but
(07:03):
like not being that person.
I was the first time Iwas around that weight
with that, it was.
It's such a challenge to feellike I don't have to hate
my body the way that it is.
And I feel like a lot ofyour content and kind of
like going through almost asimilar situation like really
(07:24):
helps me love who I was andnot feel like my worth or my
self love needed to dependon what it looked like.
Julia Salvia (07:32):
Oh, I appreciate that so much.
I think I literally went throughbasically the same thing in
regards to my, my weight too.
I was at just like a very, veryfit, like healthy, um, weight
and body and like was feelingvery confident about myself.
From there, in like early2021, I got super sick.
(07:55):
All the time, likeconsistently, like back to
back to back to back to back.
It just took my body on arollercoaster and at, during
that time, the only thing thatchanged in my life before I
got sick was that I switchedto a different birth control.
And I was like,huh, interesting.
I did not feellike myself at all.
(08:17):
And that was when I kind of putmy foot down and was like, I'm
gonna completely come off of Allmedication, all birth control,
like, and do nothing because Iwant to know exactly who I am.
I made all these choices becauseI was just, for me personally,
(08:38):
I was just trying to reallyget to the root of learning
and knowing exactly who I am.
Like, that was around thesame exact time that I was
making a shift to be moreintentional with What I was
putting out into the worldand what I was sharing.
So it wasn't just whatI was putting out.
It was what I was putting into.
(08:59):
So it was like what I'm puttinginto my body and what I'm
putting out into the world,what's coming from my body.
So being more intentionalin both of those ways
really, I think kicked offa significantly different
part of my self love journey.
And it's so interesting tosee like how it impacted
(09:20):
other people's Selflove journey as well.
Just coming to thisplace of being truly and
irrevocably like yourselfand not questioning that.
Amanda Makabali (09:31):
You are like a testament to why it's important
for some of us like creatorsto come out and really live
their most authentic versions ofthemselves, but also Be showing
kind of like all of like thegood, the bad, the in between,
being authentically yourself.
You've inspired so many people,me included, and it's been so
(09:54):
helpful for, you know, me andmy journey to really like love
myself and like even kind ofexplore a lot of the content
that I was like creatingbecause that helped me, me
love myself unapologetically.
That inspired me to kind of,you know, make a shift into.
Exploring what type ofcontent I can create.
Julia Salvia (10:15):
I mean, creating content is such
an incredible outlet.
Amanda Makabali (10:19):
One of the things that I feel like I've
been struggling recently with isbelieving in myself, and I tell
my therapist that I feel likeI have two different versions
of myself, like inside my head,and There's one where I feel
like it's like the true me, likethe, like, just my soul, like
my, the core version of myself.
And then obviously theversion of myself that has,
(10:40):
you know, picked up allthese limiting beliefs from
life experiences, wordsfrom other people, whatever.
Leaving myself has been likeone of the things that I
feel like I've really feltchallenged by recently.
And I feel like that's where,you know, content creation
has also helped me a ton, isDespite how uncomfortable
it might be.
(11:02):
I feel like it's almosta form of rejection
therapy in a lot of ways.
Um, especially like whenI talk about, or the topic
of my content is somethingthat most people probably
wouldn't publicly talk abouton social media or show, um,
or even filming in public.
I feel like that too, canbe like a little bit of
(11:23):
like rejection therapy,but I feel like it builds
this kind of like mental.
Strength and like mentalresilience, um, to like other
opinions of you, creatingcontent and being my most
authentic and vulnerable versionof myself on social media.
(11:45):
Even those moments where I'mnot super confident about
posting what I'm about topost, but I do it anyways.
It kind of like builds that selflove, it builds that confidence,
it builds that resilience thatreally is rejection therapy.
It's like, like whateveranyone's opinion, like doesn't
matter because like you're doingsomething that you've been like
(12:05):
are doubting in the moment ormight not feel a hundred percent
comfortable in, in the moment.
Or you're worried about whatpeople are going to think, uh,
what people are going to say,what comments you might get
and then you do it anyways.
And I think that is kindof like the best way.
To grow as a person isdoing the things you're
scared of doing anyways.
Julia Salvia (12:26):
I was gonna say this before, like, when we're
younger, like, people start to,like, adults, and other people,
start to give us who we are.
Like, that comment,like, oh, you have such
big, beautiful eyes.
Like, oh, you have suchbeautiful, long hair.
Or, you're this, you're that,whether it's positive, or comes
off positive or negative, um,to you, you know, either way.
(12:49):
Like, it's Those are like theconstant, almost, affirmations
that we're told that ifwe're not telling ourselves
something then we're just goingto be hearing what everyone
else is, is saying to usaffirmation, you know, wise.
And we're just gonna startto believe that rather than
(13:10):
creating our own narrativeof affirmations of what
we truly need to believe.
A great example, one of myreally good friends, She's
so incredibly smart, right?
But that was the affirmationshe was given, like, for
most of her entire life.
Like, oh, you're so smart.
Oh, you're so intelligent.
(13:30):
You're gonna have sucha great job one day.
Like, everything revolvingaround her intelligence.
She was working on some, like,therapy things and wanted
to ask all of her friends.
Um, some adjectivesof who she is, right?
And I was like, you're,you're intelligent, you're
smart, you're sensitive,like all of these things.
(13:54):
And I remember her saying tome, like, thank you so much
for, you know, telling me thatI'm, I'm, for validating and
saying that, uh, I'm beautifulbecause I feel like my whole
life people have just told methat I'm intelligent and that
I'm smart and like, that's it.
It's like, I am so many otherthings besides intelligent.
(14:15):
I am so many otherthings besides just,
um, smart and incapable.
Am I also pretty?
Like, am I also beautiful?
So I think it's so importantfor us to also give ourselves
affirmations beyond whatother people say that you are.
Amanda Makabali (14:34):
Well, I do think validation and
seeking validation isabsolutely a normal thing.
I think it's only human to seekvalidation and be like, No, like
I'm like I'm not crazy, right?
But I feel like if you'renot able to also validate
yourself, like that's themost important part of things
It's like you need to beable to validate yourself.
Like you need to not rely onvalidation from other people
(14:58):
to Believe it yourself.
Julia Salvia (15:00):
Yeah, you're getting like power To other
people by only seekingvalidation from other people
or outside sources beyondyourself It is totally okay
to like go to my friendand be like do I look okay?
And like like yousaid like am I crazy?
It's totally okay.
I think you Seek out validationfrom other people and other
(15:20):
things but to only seek outvalidation from other people
and other things and to giveeveryone else the power of to
tell you how you're feelingor, you know, about yourself
is, is a little scary.
You're kind of just like,here, take the power.
Tell me how to feel,what to be, who I am.
(15:43):
It's, mm mm. But what you saidabout, um, the moment when
you were in college, I thinkearly, early in college, in the
beginning of, like, your collegecareer, what, I know you said
it was, um, a bit of a struggle.
What was that struggle?
That led you to where you are.
Amanda Makabali (16:06):
Towards the end of high school, I just
wanted to, like, get out.
And I had gotteninto Penn State.
I decided that I wanted togo for the summer, get a
head start on credits, kindof just get, like, a custom.
My brother had done The samething and he loved it So I felt
like it was a really good way tokind of make that transition a
little bit easier It was a lotless people just a little bit
(16:28):
easier to like kind of acclimateto like that college environment
And I had an amazing summer.
I feel like my summer therewas The only true college
experience I feel like I gotto have, like going from the
summer session into freshmanyear was super challenging.
During that time, like wewere all split into different
(16:49):
dorms where during the summerwe were in the same dorm.
And so it became like ainteresting dynamic to try
to like, almost reacclimateto college and of course
like fitting in and.
Finding, you know, whereyou belonged and a lot of
my friends I had made hadjoined sororities I rushed and
(17:09):
honestly, that was probably oneof the most challenging things
to go through in terms of selfesteem and confidence because
you're kind of just being facedwith rejection from like just
like, especially female peers.
So it's like all of thesegirls are essentially
(17:32):
rejecting you and saying,like, you're not good enough
to be friends with us.
And back then I was absolutelydevastated because I ended
up dropping, not gettinginto like a sorority.
And I think I felt like atthe time that defined who I
was and I felt my confidencewas completely shot.
(17:53):
I felt so unworthy.
I felt.
So rejected and notaccepted and kind of felt
like what's wrong with me?
Like, why am I not likable?
Like, why was I not good enough?
Was I not pretty enough?
What it just had mequestioning, like.
So many aspects of who Iam and like who I was in
(18:15):
hindsight I'm so glad that thatwasn't my college experience.
I don't know I feel almost moreconfident in a lot of ways that
I Didn't join a sorority likegetting through that rejection
and coming out on the otherside and like feeling Like a
confident person regardless.
It's like I didn'tneed those girls.
I didn't need that validation.
Um in order to You know, feelthe way I feel about myself
(18:38):
now, which is all the thingsI wanted to feel back then.
That was a hard aspect.
Julia Salvia (18:44):
When, when I just think of sororities, it's
like you look at the surfacelevel of all of these girls
having the opportunity tobe friends with each other.
But then you dig deeper intoit and you're taking out
the individuality of eachof these girls by making
them wear the same coloror the same bow or the same
shoes or the same outfit.
(19:06):
That's first off.
Then you're taking away You'rebasically saying that the only
way that you can be a part ofthis friend group is if you
pay money to be a part of it.
There's, that one is likea little iffy because of
course like in any sort ofcommunity setting like, I go
(19:28):
to this really amazing gymand I pay to go to that gym.
But someone'soffering me a service.
When I go to that.
Yeah, I'm gettingsomething in return.
So I think it's just it's reallyDependent on like which sorority
which which school which place?
What are you actuallygetting in return?
Are you just getting thatfriendship in return?
Are you actually gettinglike something in return?
(19:49):
For that, you know moneythat you're Providing
are you getting housing?
Like what are what areyou actually getting?
and then you have the otherpart of it where I Of course
like there's so much talk aboutlike hazing and and all of this.
The way that it comes offmy head is you're paying to
be a part of this communityto validate your worthiness.
(20:12):
Yeah.
By making sure that youfollow these rules, these
standards, and these specificsin order to be a part of it.
When, it's, it baffles my brain.
Like when my sister was rushingand like going through that
whole process, I was like, mypoor sweet sister is driving
(20:32):
some dumb girls around astheir chauffeur, so that they
don't have to pay for an Uber.
Yeah.
So that they couldgo get shit faced.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What?
And then everybody's like,oh, it looks so, it looks
so good on your resume.
I was like, if anybody evercame to me, As, as a business
(20:54):
owner, as a boss and try tohighlight that they were in
a sorority, I would literallysay, turn around and leave.
Tell me an experience of beingin a sorority that makes, that
sets you apart from everyoneelse in that community or leave.
Because I don't think thatthere's, I don't know.
I'm very, I'm very like antisorority clearly, but you got me
(21:16):
on a little rollercoaster here.
Like I think thatthey do nothing good.
From, maybe from a charitableperspective, great, amazing,
wonderful, but from aperspective of being your own
person, being your own, likejust coming into like your
(21:37):
own individuality and trulyloving yourself, I think that
a sorority could absolutelyruin that in so many different
ways for men and women, for menand women, because it's, It's
just so many of the storiesthat I've heard, even the ones
that say that they're good,it never has come off as like,
(22:01):
yeah, I want you to, we want youhere because we want you here.
It's never like, we wantAmanda to be a part of
this community because welove Amanda for who she is.
It's, it's more like, let'sbe picky about who we want.
To be a part of this communitybecause of what they look
(22:24):
like, because of who they are,because of what they act like.
It's, it's almost, it'shonestly more sad than anything.
And I have not, to thisday, heard one good
story about someonewho's been in a sorority.
Even the friends that I'vehad that were in sororities.
They had very few friendsfrom those sororities.
(22:46):
They had like, and that'sreally all that they, that
people have taken from it.
But I think that if we were toreally dive deeper into any of
that, it would just, like yousaid, like ruin, potentially
ruin your college experience.
It would potentiallyruin your self esteem.
(23:07):
It would ruin yourindividuality of who you are.
So I'm, I'm grateful that theydidn't want you a part of it
because it probably shaped youinto becoming like the best
fucking version of yourself.
Amanda Makabali (23:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think it definitely helped
shape me and I feel likenot needing that validation.
I think every sorority isdifferent and I really,
I feel like I can't.
Speak to like, everysorority because it
depends on the school,the size of the sorority.
I feel like at the time,group life was decently big.
Honestly, I'm not upto date, but like I
feel like now it's not
Julia Salvia (23:44):
for some reason.
Unless you're down south.
I feel like it might bebigger like down south still.
Yeah.
Sometimes I have like thosegirls just starting college
like come up on my feed,and I'm just like, why?
It like if someone, I thinkthe biggest part for me is
like if someone told me towear black, I would wear white.
That's the kind of likerebellious soul I am.
(24:06):
I'm like, don't tell mewhat the fuck to wear.
Don't tell me how to act.
Don't tell me how to dress.
I am the epitome of that person.
I'm the epitome of thatperson that's like, if you
tell me I can't do something,I will, I will literally
say to your face, watch me.
Amanda Makabali (24:23):
You know, like back in the day when your
mom was like, take the trashout and you were like halfway
doing taking the trash outand you're like, well, now
I don't want to take it out.
Julia Salvia (24:30):
Well, now I'm going to leave it here and
I'm not going to take it out.
Amanda Makabali (24:34):
I wouldn't change anything that's
ever happened to me.
Like, good, bad, ugly,I feel like I wouldn't
have changed anything.
I think with college, I feellike I did not get The college
experience that I feel likemost people do and there's
so many times you can kind ofwhat if yourself to death and
like what if I did end up in asorority, what if I did go to
(24:55):
a different college, like whatmy experience would have been
like, there's definitely somethings that I feel like I would
have wanted, like, I would haveloved to been able to study
abroad in college and thingslike that, but there's just like
a certain level of acceptance.
I feel like you have tohave towards the things that
happened to you in life and.
Um, You can't goback and change it.
So, You can't goback and change it.
(25:17):
And you can only do as much asin your power to like create the
life that you like want to live.
Julia Salvia (25:23):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think towardslike the end of your college
like career really pushed,you know, I know you said
that you kept trying to, Iguess like finish college.
What kept pushing offthe, the finish date?
Amanda Makabali (25:38):
My first.
Like, full semester there.
Towards the end of it, likeduring finals week, like
right before finals, was whenI was sexually assaulted.
So I ended up withdrawingfrom college at the end
of the semester beforefinals even happened.
So, that whole semesteressentially kind of was a wash.
The next semester I was home.
(25:58):
Then the next year I went back.
Um, lived off campus.
I got my dog.
And, I feel like that year wasbetter but still challenging.
I was still trying to findfriends because by the time
Rush happened, you were probablylike a month and a half, two
months into the semester alreadywhere the girls who joined
(26:20):
sororities joined sororitiesand I felt like I didn't have
a place at all, like I felt,I wasn't in sorority, all the
people who didn't want to joinsororities kind of have their
cliques ready and I felt likeextremely alone at the time.
And so when I returned I feltvery similarly, like I still
felt like super alone, like Iwas again kind of trying to find
my place, where I belonged, liketrying to feel normal in such
(26:46):
an abnormal time in my life,like I was still very much.
Processing whathad happened to me.
I, like, got there and Iremember going to the University
Medical Center, essentiallyand seeing a therapist and
I just, I, like, had said Iwas like, I can't stay here.
I, like, just knew I wasso miserable there and so
(27:10):
unhappy being there and,like, I wanted to love it
so much because I loved itwhen my brother was there.
I loved visiting him.
I loved the very, like, collegeatmosphere and Like the football
games and the college town andI really wanted to love college
and love being there and love myexperience there But I hated it.
I Hated that place.
(27:31):
I felt like I didn't fit inwith the people there I felt
I just was so unhappy and Ilike called my mom up again
and was like I Like I I can'tI couldn't picture a scenario
where I would would have beenable to survive That semester
or that year and my mom camepacked me up and I went home.
(27:54):
I ended up just joininglike my University's online
campus because I picked amajor, picked a path that
was like the shortest Tograduation essentially.
I felt like at the timeI was like, I don't even
know what I want to do.
I don't care about you knowGraduating with what I intended
to graduate with like I justwant to graduate I just want
(28:14):
to get a college degree andbe done with this And so even
though there was only therewas three full semesters that
I had zero credits for likeI Graduated basically almost
only a semester late I thinkof course there are parts of me
that I feel like saddened that Ididn't get a college experience
But again, I feel like it wouldnot change Anything that's ever
happened to me just because it'severy single thing I've ever
(28:36):
done every thing that's everhappened to me It's just led
me to who I am now We're nowand I feel extremely proud of
the person that I have becomeand the person I'm becoming
and I think that's just IThink the most important thing.
I think that's what life islike really about is just
continuously learning tolike love yourself and your
(28:58):
life Despite what obstaclesand challenges you're faced
because we're just not herefor a long time and anything
that we're going through ismeant to teach us something.
So that's what I fully believe.
Julia Salvia (29:09):
Yeah.
What would you say to collegeAmanda during the worst,
you know, one of the worstdays or worst times or
worst periods of college?
What would you say to her?
Amanda Makabali (29:22):
Hmm.
I feel like I'm going to cry.
Time of my life.
Like that was a hard timein my life in so many ways.
Like.
I was a shell of a personat that time, just trying
to, like, make it through.
Um, but I would tellthat version of myself,
like, how proud I am.
Because, despite, because, like,I look back at it sometimes,
(29:45):
and at the time it didn't seemlike a crazy thing to do, but
when I look back at it now, I'mlike, holy shit, like, you went
through something unspeakable.
Something that, unfortunately,is way too common that it is.
Something incredibly traumatic,like the amount of resilience, I
think, as a woman that I showedthroughout that whole part of
(30:08):
my life, like despite majorityof the weight that I gained had
been after my sexual assaultand I felt like it very much was
some sort of like protective,almost a defense mechanism in a
way, like I felt like, you know,like if I was a less desirable
body that I would be safer.
At that time I was goingthrough so much and I still
(30:29):
managed to graduate andreally, like, made it through.
Like, I really was resilientthrough all that, even
though I felt like theweakest version of myself.
Like, now I look back on it andI'm like, no, that was probably
one of the strongest versionsof yourself because you were
going through so much and yetyou, like, woke up the next
day and pushed through and ittook a really long time to get
(30:49):
to the other side of things,but you got to the other side
of things and, like, that isan accomplishment in itself.
Julia Salvia (30:56):
Would you say that you believe in her?
Amanda Makabali (30:59):
I do.
Julia Salvia (31:02):
Full circle!
Amanda Makabali (31:02):
I do.
I do believe in her.
I need to believe inher, because if I can't
believe in her, like,who's gonna believe in her?
Who's gonna believe inme if I can't believe in
Julia Salvia (31:14):
myself?
It's so important, too, to like,look at like, where, like, how
far you've come and like, whereyou've gotten to, to this point.
Even if right now, in thispoint in your life, like,
you Wish certain things weredifferent, certain things were
better, or you expected more.
You still are so much betterof a person, and you've grown
(31:38):
so much more than who, youknow, Amanda was in college.
Amanda Makabali (31:45):
Yeah, I
Julia Salvia (31:45):
think
Amanda Makabali (31:46):
it's so easy, especially With social media,
especially like with everything,we were constantly seeing like
the highlight reel of people'slives, and I think it's so
easy to compare, it's so easyto wish, um, your life was
different, it's so easy to wishthat you had certain things,
or you were more like a certainperson, one of those corny,
cliche sayings, but you reallyhave to learn to love your
(32:08):
journey, and love the journey,and not the destination, of
like, who you were there, It'sBecause it's so easy to be like,
oh, I want this, I want this,like, I wish my life looked
like this, and like, whatever.
And just because thosethings aren't in your current
present moment right nowdoesn't mean that they're not
(32:29):
going to be in your future.
Knowing the process of all ofthis, I feel like it's really
what I've tried to focus on,is just learning to be present.
Because that's sohard sometimes.
Learn to love thispresent moment.
Julia Salvia (32:40):
A hundred percent.
And it even goes to say,like, living in the present.
Present and like actuallyenjoying the journey that
you're, that you're on.
It's, as we said before, likeyou're going to constantly,
if you're not actuallyliving in the present and
you're not enjoying thejourney, like you're just
going to be constantlychasing something that you're
never going to catch up to.
Because I don't really believethat there is a destination.
(33:03):
Like you're not goingto wake up one day and
say, Oh, I love myself.
Like it's never, it's nevergoing to feel that way.
Yeah, like it's never going tofeel that way, like you're going
to wake up some days and you'renot going to like what you see.
You're going to wake upsome days and life's just
going to be different, likethings always are changing.
And there are,the destination is
(33:26):
almost like infinity.
It's really just aboutenjoying like life and as
you said, like enjoying lifeand enjoying the process and
enjoying the journey thatyou're, you're on right now.
If you don't enjoy thejourney, if you don't live
in the present, if you don'tchoose to love yourself right
now, you're always goingto be chasing something.
(33:47):
You're always going tobe chasing something.
Thank you so muchfor being here.
I appreciate you tothe moon and back.
Of course, of course.
And thank you guysfor tuning in.
Um, I will see you in.
Two weeks, we post a newepisode every single Sunday
at 12 o'clock EasternTime, um, bi weekly.
(34:10):
So I will see you very soon.
And thank you, Amanda,for being here once again.
Amanda Makabali (34:15):
Thanks, Jules.
What is your self love journey?
Like, if you're opening abook of, like, your self love
journey, where would you putthe pin in and, like, and say,
like, this is where it started?
Amanda Makabali (00:07):
Throughout, like, my whole childhood, I feel
like I did not know who I was.
I feel like I didn't knowwhere I fit into this world.
And I feel like I cared a lotabout those specific things.
Who I was, like, what I wassupposed to do, like, if I were
to fit in, like, just beingliked and Kind of just being
more concerned with like other'sopinions of me than like my own
(00:27):
opinion of myself Just schoolin general was such a hard
time for me in so many ways.
I feel like I reallydidn't Know who I was.
I really lacked a lot ofconfidence I was really hard
on myself for so many thingsand I compared myself a lot
and comparison of courseis like the thief of joy.
So that's a lot of thethings that I used to do
was, you know, wanting tobe like specific girls.
(00:49):
And I feel like that's whereit started in a lot of ways.
As I started to lose weight,I kind of feel like I
became more confident inmyself for the first time.
And it's sad that I feel likeI have that my weight and
what I looked like had to bethe defining factor like me.
You know, loving myself.
But I do feel like in thatspecific time period, I guess
(01:12):
that like, should I have towardsmy body or what it looked
like or feeling like I needed.
to look a certain wayor being self conscious.
When that was gone, I feel likeI really started to get to know
like who I was as a person.
I was surrounded by like peopleat the time who I felt like
also kind of lifted me up andencouraged me to love myself.
Significant amount ofmy self love journey has
definitely happened inlike that time since.
Julia Salvia (01:43):
Hi Amanda, thank you so much for being on the
Self Love Archives podcast.
I'm so
Amanda Makabali (01:50):
grateful to have you here.
Yeah, I'm really excited tobe here, and honestly, I feel
like you've actually playedsuch a significant part in
my own self love journey, soI feel like it's just kind
of like a perfect, you know,place to be is on your podcast
talking about self love.
Julia Salvia (02:06):
Aww, that's so sweet, thank you!
What is your self love journey?
Like, where did it really begin
Amanda Makabali (02:14):
for you?
At my boyfriend, and I feellike he's played A really large
part in it for a lot of thetime a lot of people see me in
different ways But I feel likemy boyfriend sees me in like
the best life possible thatalso helped me kind of realize
like the really great thingsabout myself and The things I
should be loving about myself.
Julia Salvia (02:34):
There's this like paradox between How we
love ourselves is through howother people see us Or how
other people love us, and youtalked about like the, you
know, the girls in high schoolor in school that, you know,
may have not cared about whoyou are or who you truly are.
(02:58):
Besides like what you looklike on the outside versus
your boyfriend now whoreally sees all of these
parts and pieces of you.
I always love to bringup the saying because
I hate the saying.
It's like sticks and stonesmay break my bones but
words will never hurt me.
And I think it's so untrueand such a flawed statement
(03:19):
because it really, wordsreally do affect us and how
Um, and it's not just likehow someone treats us, right?
Or how someone physicallytreats us, it's how someone
speaks about us, talks to us,in so many different ways.
And that can reallyhave a positive or a
negative reflection onwho we are as a person.
(03:40):
Of course, at the end ofthe day, We should love
ourselves exactly as, youknow, as we are, all the,
all the bits and pieces,everything on the inside,
everything on the outside, thegood, the bad, the ugly, the
beautiful, whatever it may be.
But it's interesting that theoutside world has some sort
(04:01):
of, like, effect on, on that.
And how that can reallychange how we love ourselves.
Amanda Mak (04:11):
Yeah, yeah, I agree.
Our first introduction toourselves is through almost the
eyes of others a lot of times.
As children, you know, we'renot, we're still getting to know
ourselves, like, growing up,being a teenager, I feel like
even into being a young adult.
I've only, maybe in the past,you know, five years, I could
(04:32):
say, it's like, When I would sayI've really felt like I know who
I am and like if that versionof me met me today Like I would
be completely shocked about howmuch confidence that I do have.
I feel like I started contentcreation Back in like 2016,
2017 and like that came outof a time of like one of the
(04:55):
hardest periods of my lifeBecause I was sexually assaulted
my freshman year in collegeso after that like my early
20s like Last years of being ateenager early 20s We're living
in just such a state of traumaand such a state of survival
that Trying to get to knowmyself and trying to Love myself
(05:20):
was made that much harder.
Many people go to college andlike, you know That's their
first time having this freedomand like getting to know
themselves Like you also haveto deal with this while trying
to find yourself while tryingto graduate college I turned to
creating content in that timeperiod it was like right after
Around when I graduated, it waskind of around the same time.
(05:41):
I feel like I was finally donewith school and I didn't know
what I wanted for my life.
I felt like I just spent thepast, you know, four years
at that point, just tryingto, uh, make up lost time.
In my education and like stillgraduate on time because when
I was finally done I just Ididn't know what was next and
I was in a similar time period.
(06:01):
I guess that i'm in now exceptnow It's just a little bit
less traumatic and a littlebit more happy, but I turned to
content creation as like a formof self expression it was kind
of a kickstart of me realizinglike how capable I was of doing
whatever I wanted to and howcapable I am of, you know, if
I put my mind to something thatlike I can do it, I can figure
(06:22):
it out and like I can succeed.
When you started kind ofshifting away from beauty to
more lifestyle and your selflove content, I feel like
that's when I really was justlike, I felt so like related
to everything that you weresaying, like all the things
that you would speak about.
Um, I feel like you mademe feel comfortable in my
(06:43):
body, especially because.
In kind of in betweenthat weight loss period
that I had talked about.
And now I hate like corporateAmerica really stresses you out.
Sometimes I gained a lot ofweight and I had a really tough
time from going to like thesmallish for smallest version
of myself and kind of likegaining that way back, but
(07:03):
like not being that person.
I was the first time Iwas around that weight
with that, it was.
It's such a challenge to feellike I don't have to hate
my body the way that it is.
And I feel like a lot ofyour content and kind of
like going through almost asimilar situation like really
(07:24):
helps me love who I was andnot feel like my worth or my
self love needed to dependon what it looked like.
Julia Salvia (07:32):
Oh, I appreciate that so much.
I think I literally went throughbasically the same thing in
regards to my, my weight too.
I was at just like a very, veryfit, like healthy, um, weight
and body and like was feelingvery confident about myself.
From there, in like early2021, I got super sick.
(07:55):
All the time, likeconsistently, like back to
back to back to back to back.
It just took my body on arollercoaster and at, during
that time, the only thing thatchanged in my life before I
got sick was that I switchedto a different birth control.
And I was like,huh, interesting.
I did not feellike myself at all.
(08:17):
And that was when I kind of putmy foot down and was like, I'm
gonna completely come off of Allmedication, all birth control,
like, and do nothing because Iwant to know exactly who I am.
I made all these choices becauseI was just, for me personally,
(08:38):
I was just trying to reallyget to the root of learning
and knowing exactly who I am.
Like, that was around thesame exact time that I was
making a shift to be moreintentional with What I was
putting out into the worldand what I was sharing.
So it wasn't just whatI was putting out.
It was what I was putting into.
(08:59):
So it was like what I'm puttinginto my body and what I'm
putting out into the world,what's coming from my body.
So being more intentionalin both of those ways
really, I think kicked offa significantly different
part of my self love journey.
And it's so interesting tosee like how it impacted
(09:20):
other people's Selflove journey as well.
Just coming to thisplace of being truly and
irrevocably like yourselfand not questioning that.
Amanda Makabali (09:31):
You are like a testament to why it's important
for some of us like creatorsto come out and really live
their most authentic versions ofthemselves, but also Be showing
kind of like all of like thegood, the bad, the in between,
being authentically yourself.
You've inspired so many people,me included, and it's been so
(09:54):
helpful for, you know, me andmy journey to really like love
myself and like even kind ofexplore a lot of the content
that I was like creatingbecause that helped me, me
love myself unapologetically.
That inspired me to kind of,you know, make a shift into.
Exploring what type ofcontent I can create.
Julia Salvia (10:15):
I mean, creating content is such
an incredible outlet.
Amanda Makabali (10:19):
One of the things that I feel like I've
been struggling recently with isbelieving in myself, and I tell
my therapist that I feel likeI have two different versions
of myself, like inside my head,and There's one where I feel
like it's like the true me, likethe, like, just my soul, like
my, the core version of myself.
And then obviously theversion of myself that has,
(10:40):
you know, picked up allthese limiting beliefs from
life experiences, wordsfrom other people, whatever.
Leaving myself has been likeone of the things that I
feel like I've really feltchallenged by recently.
And I feel like that's where,you know, content creation
has also helped me a ton, isDespite how uncomfortable
it might be.
(11:02):
I feel like it's almosta form of rejection
therapy in a lot of ways.
Um, especially like whenI talk about, or the topic
of my content is somethingthat most people probably
wouldn't publicly talk abouton social media or show, um,
or even filming in public.
I feel like that too, canbe like a little bit of
(11:23):
like rejection therapy,but I feel like it builds
this kind of like mental.
Strength and like mentalresilience, um, to like other
opinions of you, creatingcontent and being my most
authentic and vulnerable versionof myself on social media.
(11:45):
Even those moments where I'mnot super confident about
posting what I'm about topost, but I do it anyways.
It kind of like builds that selflove, it builds that confidence,
it builds that resilience thatreally is rejection therapy.
It's like, like whateveranyone's opinion, like doesn't
matter because like you're doingsomething that you've been like
(12:05):
are doubting in the moment ormight not feel a hundred percent
comfortable in, in the moment.
Or you're worried about whatpeople are going to think, uh,
what people are going to say,what comments you might get
and then you do it anyways.
And I think that is kindof like the best way.
To grow as a person isdoing the things you're
scared of doing anyways.
Julia Salvia (12:26):
I was gonna say this before, like, when we're
younger, like, people start to,like, adults, and other people,
start to give us who we are.
Like, that comment,like, oh, you have such
big, beautiful eyes.
Like, oh, you have suchbeautiful, long hair.
Or, you're this, you're that,whether it's positive, or comes
off positive or negative, um,to you, you know, either way.
(12:49):
Like, it's Those are like theconstant, almost, affirmations
that we're told that ifwe're not telling ourselves
something then we're just goingto be hearing what everyone
else is, is saying to usaffirmation, you know, wise.
And we're just gonna startto believe that rather than
(13:10):
creating our own narrativeof affirmations of what
we truly need to believe.
A great example, one of myreally good friends, She's
so incredibly smart, right?
But that was the affirmationshe was given, like, for
most of her entire life.
Like, oh, you're so smart.
Oh, you're so intelligent.
(13:30):
You're gonna have sucha great job one day.
Like, everything revolvingaround her intelligence.
She was working on some, like,therapy things and wanted
to ask all of her friends.
Um, some adjectivesof who she is, right?
And I was like, you're,you're intelligent, you're
smart, you're sensitive,like all of these things.
(13:54):
And I remember her saying tome, like, thank you so much
for, you know, telling me thatI'm, I'm, for validating and
saying that, uh, I'm beautifulbecause I feel like my whole
life people have just told methat I'm intelligent and that
I'm smart and like, that's it.
It's like, I am so many otherthings besides intelligent.
(14:15):
I am so many otherthings besides just,
um, smart and incapable.
Am I also pretty?
Like, am I also beautiful?
So I think it's so importantfor us to also give ourselves
affirmations beyond whatother people say that you are.
Amanda Makabali (14:34):
Well, I do think validation and
seeking validation isabsolutely a normal thing.
I think it's only human to seekvalidation and be like, No, like
I'm like I'm not crazy, right?
But I feel like if you'renot able to also validate
yourself, like that's themost important part of things
It's like you need to beable to validate yourself.
Like you need to not rely onvalidation from other people
(14:58):
to Believe it yourself.
Julia Salvia (15:00):
Yeah, you're getting like power To other
people by only seekingvalidation from other people
or outside sources beyondyourself It is totally okay
to like go to my friendand be like do I look okay?
And like like yousaid like am I crazy?
It's totally okay.
I think you Seek out validationfrom other people and other
(15:20):
things but to only seek outvalidation from other people
and other things and to giveeveryone else the power of to
tell you how you're feelingor, you know, about yourself
is, is a little scary.
You're kind of just like,here, take the power.
Tell me how to feel,what to be, who I am.
(15:43):
It's, mm mm. But what you saidabout, um, the moment when
you were in college, I thinkearly, early in college, in the
beginning of, like, your collegecareer, what, I know you said
it was, um, a bit of a struggle.
What was that struggle?
That led you to where you are.
Amanda Makabali (16:06):
Towards the end of high school, I just
wanted to, like, get out.
And I had gotteninto Penn State.
I decided that I wanted togo for the summer, get a
head start on credits, kindof just get, like, a custom.
My brother had done The samething and he loved it So I felt
like it was a really good way tokind of make that transition a
little bit easier It was a lotless people just a little bit
(16:28):
easier to like kind of acclimateto like that college environment
And I had an amazing summer.
I feel like my summer therewas The only true college
experience I feel like I gotto have, like going from the
summer session into freshmanyear was super challenging.
During that time, like wewere all split into different
(16:49):
dorms where during the summerwe were in the same dorm.
And so it became like ainteresting dynamic to try
to like, almost reacclimateto college and of course
like fitting in and.
Finding, you know, whereyou belonged and a lot of
my friends I had made hadjoined sororities I rushed and
(17:09):
honestly, that was probably oneof the most challenging things
to go through in terms of selfesteem and confidence because
you're kind of just being facedwith rejection from like just
like, especially female peers.
So it's like all of thesegirls are essentially
(17:32):
rejecting you and saying,like, you're not good enough
to be friends with us.
And back then I was absolutelydevastated because I ended
up dropping, not gettinginto like a sorority.
And I think I felt like atthe time that defined who I
was and I felt my confidencewas completely shot.
(17:53):
I felt so unworthy.
I felt.
So rejected and notaccepted and kind of felt
like what's wrong with me?
Like, why am I not likable?
Like, why was I not good enough?
Was I not pretty enough?
What it just had mequestioning, like.
So many aspects of who Iam and like who I was in
(18:15):
hindsight I'm so glad that thatwasn't my college experience.
I don't know I feel almost moreconfident in a lot of ways that
I Didn't join a sorority likegetting through that rejection
and coming out on the otherside and like feeling Like a
confident person regardless.
It's like I didn'tneed those girls.
I didn't need that validation.
Um in order to You know, feelthe way I feel about myself
(18:38):
now, which is all the thingsI wanted to feel back then.
That was a hard aspect.
Julia Salvia (18:44):
When, when I just think of sororities, it's
like you look at the surfacelevel of all of these girls
having the opportunity tobe friends with each other.
But then you dig deeper intoit and you're taking out
the individuality of eachof these girls by making
them wear the same coloror the same bow or the same
shoes or the same outfit.
(19:06):
That's first off.
Then you're taking away You'rebasically saying that the only
way that you can be a part ofthis friend group is if you
pay money to be a part of it.
There's, that one is likea little iffy because of
course like in any sort ofcommunity setting like, I go
(19:28):
to this really amazing gymand I pay to go to that gym.
But someone'soffering me a service.
When I go to that.
Yeah, I'm gettingsomething in return.
So I think it's just it's reallyDependent on like which sorority
which which school which place?
What are you actuallygetting in return?
Are you just getting thatfriendship in return?
Are you actually gettinglike something in return?
(19:49):
For that, you know moneythat you're Providing
are you getting housing?
Like what are what areyou actually getting?
and then you have the otherpart of it where I Of course
like there's so much talk aboutlike hazing and and all of this.
The way that it comes offmy head is you're paying to
be a part of this communityto validate your worthiness.
(20:12):
Yeah.
By making sure that youfollow these rules, these
standards, and these specificsin order to be a part of it.
When, it's, it baffles my brain.
Like when my sister was rushingand like going through that
whole process, I was like, mypoor sweet sister is driving
(20:32):
some dumb girls around astheir chauffeur, so that they
don't have to pay for an Uber.
Yeah.
So that they couldgo get shit faced.
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
What?
And then everybody's like,oh, it looks so, it looks
so good on your resume.
I was like, if anybody evercame to me, As, as a business
(20:54):
owner, as a boss and try tohighlight that they were in
a sorority, I would literallysay, turn around and leave.
Tell me an experience of beingin a sorority that makes, that
sets you apart from everyoneelse in that community or leave.
Because I don't think thatthere's, I don't know.
I'm very, I'm very like antisorority clearly, but you got me
(21:16):
on a little rollercoaster here.
Like I think thatthey do nothing good.
From, maybe from a charitableperspective, great, amazing,
wonderful, but from aperspective of being your own
person, being your own, likejust coming into like your
(21:37):
own individuality and trulyloving yourself, I think that
a sorority could absolutelyruin that in so many different
ways for men and women, for menand women, because it's, It's
just so many of the storiesthat I've heard, even the ones
that say that they're good,it never has come off as like,
(22:01):
yeah, I want you to, we want youhere because we want you here.
It's never like, we wantAmanda to be a part of
this community because welove Amanda for who she is.
It's, it's more like, let'sbe picky about who we want.
To be a part of this communitybecause of what they look
(22:24):
like, because of who they are,because of what they act like.
It's, it's almost, it'shonestly more sad than anything.
And I have not, to thisday, heard one good
story about someonewho's been in a sorority.
Even the friends that I'vehad that were in sororities.
They had very few friendsfrom those sororities.
(22:46):
They had like, and that'sreally all that they, that
people have taken from it.
But I think that if we were toreally dive deeper into any of
that, it would just, like yousaid, like ruin, potentially
ruin your college experience.
It would potentiallyruin your self esteem.
(23:07):
It would ruin yourindividuality of who you are.
So I'm, I'm grateful that theydidn't want you a part of it
because it probably shaped youinto becoming like the best
fucking version of yourself.
Amanda Makabali (23:24):
Yeah, yeah, I think it definitely helped
shape me and I feel likenot needing that validation.
I think every sorority isdifferent and I really,
I feel like I can't.
Speak to like, everysorority because it
depends on the school,the size of the sorority.
I feel like at the time,group life was decently big.
Honestly, I'm not upto date, but like I
feel like now it's not
Julia Salvia (23:44):
for some reason.
Unless you're down south.
I feel like it might bebigger like down south still.
Yeah.
Sometimes I have like thosegirls just starting college
like come up on my feed,and I'm just like, why?
It like if someone, I thinkthe biggest part for me is
like if someone told me towear black, I would wear white.
That's the kind of likerebellious soul I am.
(24:06):
I'm like, don't tell mewhat the fuck to wear.
Don't tell me how to act.
Don't tell me how to dress.
I am the epitome of that person.
I'm the epitome of thatperson that's like, if you
tell me I can't do something,I will, I will literally
say to your face, watch me.
Amanda Makabali (24:23):
You know, like back in the day when your
mom was like, take the trashout and you were like halfway
doing taking the trash outand you're like, well, now
I don't want to take it out.
Julia Salvia (24:30):
Well, now I'm going to leave it here and
I'm not going to take it out.
Amanda Makabali (24:34):
I wouldn't change anything that's
ever happened to me.
Like, good, bad, ugly,I feel like I wouldn't
have changed anything.
I think with college, I feellike I did not get The college
experience that I feel likemost people do and there's
so many times you can kind ofwhat if yourself to death and
like what if I did end up in asorority, what if I did go to
(24:55):
a different college, like whatmy experience would have been
like, there's definitely somethings that I feel like I would
have wanted, like, I would haveloved to been able to study
abroad in college and thingslike that, but there's just like
a certain level of acceptance.
I feel like you have tohave towards the things that
happened to you in life and.
Um, You can't goback and change it.
So, You can't goback and change it.
(25:17):
And you can only do as much asin your power to like create the
life that you like want to live.
Julia Salvia (25:23):
Yeah, yeah.
What do you think towardslike the end of your college
like career really pushed,you know, I know you said
that you kept trying to, Iguess like finish college.
What kept pushing offthe, the finish date?
Amanda Makabali (25:38):
My first.
Like, full semester there.
Towards the end of it, likeduring finals week, like
right before finals, was whenI was sexually assaulted.
So I ended up withdrawingfrom college at the end
of the semester beforefinals even happened.
So, that whole semesteressentially kind of was a wash.
The next semester I was home.
(25:58):
Then the next year I went back.
Um, lived off campus.
I got my dog.
And, I feel like that year wasbetter but still challenging.
I was still trying to findfriends because by the time
Rush happened, you were probablylike a month and a half, two
months into the semester alreadywhere the girls who joined
(26:20):
sororities joined sororitiesand I felt like I didn't have
a place at all, like I felt,I wasn't in sorority, all the
people who didn't want to joinsororities kind of have their
cliques ready and I felt likeextremely alone at the time.
And so when I returned I feltvery similarly, like I still
felt like super alone, like Iwas again kind of trying to find
my place, where I belonged, liketrying to feel normal in such
(26:46):
an abnormal time in my life,like I was still very much.
Processing whathad happened to me.
I, like, got there and Iremember going to the University
Medical Center, essentiallyand seeing a therapist and
I just, I, like, had said Iwas like, I can't stay here.
I, like, just knew I wasso miserable there and so
(27:10):
unhappy being there and,like, I wanted to love it
so much because I loved itwhen my brother was there.
I loved visiting him.
I loved the very, like, collegeatmosphere and Like the football
games and the college town andI really wanted to love college
and love being there and love myexperience there But I hated it.
I Hated that place.
(27:31):
I felt like I didn't fit inwith the people there I felt
I just was so unhappy and Ilike called my mom up again
and was like I Like I I can'tI couldn't picture a scenario
where I would would have beenable to survive That semester
or that year and my mom camepacked me up and I went home.
(27:54):
I ended up just joininglike my University's online
campus because I picked amajor, picked a path that
was like the shortest Tograduation essentially.
I felt like at the timeI was like, I don't even
know what I want to do.
I don't care about you knowGraduating with what I intended
to graduate with like I justwant to graduate I just want
(28:14):
to get a college degree andbe done with this And so even
though there was only therewas three full semesters that
I had zero credits for likeI Graduated basically almost
only a semester late I thinkof course there are parts of me
that I feel like saddened that Ididn't get a college experience
But again, I feel like it wouldnot change Anything that's ever
happened to me just because it'severy single thing I've ever
(28:36):
done every thing that's everhappened to me It's just led
me to who I am now We're nowand I feel extremely proud of
the person that I have becomeand the person I'm becoming
and I think that's just IThink the most important thing.
I think that's what life islike really about is just
continuously learning tolike love yourself and your
(28:58):
life Despite what obstaclesand challenges you're faced
because we're just not herefor a long time and anything
that we're going through ismeant to teach us something.
So that's what I fully believe.
Julia Salvia (29:09):
Yeah.
What would you say to collegeAmanda during the worst,
you know, one of the worstdays or worst times or
worst periods of college?
What would you say to her?
Amanda Makabali (29:22):
Hmm.
I feel like I'm going to cry.
Time of my life.
Like that was a hard timein my life in so many ways.
Like.
I was a shell of a personat that time, just trying
to, like, make it through.
Um, but I would tellthat version of myself,
like, how proud I am.
Because, despite, because, like,I look back at it sometimes,
(29:45):
and at the time it didn't seemlike a crazy thing to do, but
when I look back at it now, I'mlike, holy shit, like, you went
through something unspeakable.
Something that, unfortunately,is way too common that it is.
Something incredibly traumatic,like the amount of resilience, I
think, as a woman that I showedthroughout that whole part of
(30:08):
my life, like despite majorityof the weight that I gained had
been after my sexual assaultand I felt like it very much was
some sort of like protective,almost a defense mechanism in a
way, like I felt like, you know,like if I was a less desirable
body that I would be safer.
At that time I was goingthrough so much and I still
(30:29):
managed to graduate andreally, like, made it through.
Like, I really was resilientthrough all that, even
though I felt like theweakest version of myself.
Like, now I look back on it andI'm like, no, that was probably
one of the strongest versionsof yourself because you were
going through so much and yetyou, like, woke up the next
day and pushed through and ittook a really long time to get
(30:49):
to the other side of things,but you got to the other side
of things and, like, that isan accomplishment in itself.
Julia Salvia (30:56):
Would you say that you believe in her?
Amanda Makabali (30:59):
I do.
Julia Salvia (31:02):
Full circle!
Amanda Makabali (31:02):
I do.
I do believe in her.
I need to believe inher, because if I can't
believe in her, like,who's gonna believe in her?
Who's gonna believe inme if I can't believe in
Julia Salvia (31:14):
myself?
It's so important, too, to like,look at like, where, like, how
far you've come and like, whereyou've gotten to, to this point.
Even if right now, in thispoint in your life, like,
you Wish certain things weredifferent, certain things were
better, or you expected more.
You still are so much betterof a person, and you've grown
(31:38):
so much more than who, youknow, Amanda was in college.
Amanda Makabali (31:45):
Yeah, I
Julia Salvia (31:45):
think
Amanda Makabali (31:46):
it's so easy, especially With social media,
especially like with everything,we were constantly seeing like
the highlight reel of people'slives, and I think it's so
easy to compare, it's so easyto wish, um, your life was
different, it's so easy to wishthat you had certain things,
or you were more like a certainperson, one of those corny,
cliche sayings, but you reallyhave to learn to love your
(32:08):
journey, and love the journey,and not the destination, of
like, who you were there, It'sBecause it's so easy to be like,
oh, I want this, I want this,like, I wish my life looked
like this, and like, whatever.
And just because thosethings aren't in your current
present moment right nowdoesn't mean that they're not
(32:29):
going to be in your future.
Knowing the process of all ofthis, I feel like it's really
what I've tried to focus on,is just learning to be present.
Because that's sohard sometimes.
Learn to love thispresent moment.
Julia Salvia (32:40):
A hundred percent.
And it even goes to say,like, living in the present.
Present and like actuallyenjoying the journey that
you're, that you're on.
It's, as we said before, likeyou're going to constantly,
if you're not actuallyliving in the present and
you're not enjoying thejourney, like you're just
going to be constantlychasing something that you're
never going to catch up to.
Because I don't really believethat there is a destination.
(33:03):
Like you're not goingto wake up one day and
say, Oh, I love myself.
Like it's never, it's nevergoing to feel that way.
Yeah, like it's never going tofeel that way, like you're going
to wake up some days and you'renot going to like what you see.
You're going to wake upsome days and life's just
going to be different, likethings always are changing.
And there are,the destination is
(33:26):
almost like infinity.
It's really just aboutenjoying like life and as
you said, like enjoying lifeand enjoying the process and
enjoying the journey thatyou're, you're on right now.
If you don't enjoy thejourney, if you don't live
in the present, if you don'tchoose to love yourself right
now, you're always goingto be chasing something.
(33:47):
You're always going tobe chasing something.
Thank you so muchfor being here.
I appreciate you tothe moon and back.
Of course, of course.
And thank you guysfor tuning in.
Um, I will see you in.
Two weeks, we post a newepisode every single Sunday
at 12 o'clock EasternTime, um, bi weekly.
(34:10):
So I will see you very soon.
And thank you, Amanda,for being here once again.
Amanda Makabali (34:15):
Thanks, Jules.
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