August 3, 2025 • 46 mins
in this honest and expansive conversation with life coach christina spinazola, we explore what it really means to love yourself- without needing to arrive or be fully healed first.
we talk about embracing the messy middle, unlearning the pressure to be perfect, and building self-trust through presence, not performance. this episode is your reminder that self-love is not a destination- it’s a practice, a scale, and a relationship with your most human self.
book with christina here, follow her here
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Julia Salvia (00:00):
I really love when you said that
(00:03):
self-love is like a scale.
What do you mean by a scale?
Because we're not weighingour self-love on a scale.
Christina Spinazola (00:13):
Yeah.
It's not physical,it's not tangible, and
yet it's super real.
Um, yeah.
I've heard my coaches foreversay something to the effect
of like, there's levels tothis, whatever this is that
we're kind of exploring.
And to me it's not like,you know, do I lift myself?
Do I not?
But it's really like, howmuch do I love myself?
It's a question, right?
Where it kind of feelslike it always invites us
(00:34):
into finding different waysto love ourselves more.
And to me that doesn'tfeel, you know, another, uh,
analogy there is like, it'sa mountain without a top.
It's a road without an end.
Like there's always justmore, not from a place of
like pressure or pushing orit has to be more or better,
but like there's alwaysanother level to finding
ways to love yourself better.
Julia Salvia (00:55):
I completely agree.
I think that there's this.
Almost like feeling that we allget from just our surroundings,
other like society and otherpeople, and these expectations
where there's like this end thatone day we're just gonna wake up
and be like, oh my God, I lovemyself and or I love myself.
And that's just not how ithappens because we're forever
(01:17):
changing and, and thingsare going in, you know, a
million different directionsand we don't know what the
next day is gonna bring.
So how can we confidentlyget to this place?
Christina Spinazola (01:27):
And it's interesting with that, like,
I'll be really honest with it.
One of the ways that I've kindof seen that more deeply for
myself is by judging otherpeople who, like I've watched,
like, you know, whether it'sonline or just sharing with
me in, in real time, you know,they'll judge a past version of
themselves of like, you know,well now I figured it out.
(01:49):
That version of me didn'thave it figured out,
but this one's got it.
I'm like, yeah, there's probablya version of you like two weeks
down the road, two months downthe road, two years down the
road, two decades down the road.
Right.
That's laughing at your currentunderstanding of the world.
Like it does.
It just continuously evolvesand I don't necessarily,
I fall into the trap too.
I'm not perfect, but remindingmyself like, there's not
(02:11):
a place to get to wherethings are magically better.
Like for me, the the fun,the more fun question is
how can I enjoy this more?
Whatever this in mylife seems to look like.
Julia Salvia (02:22):
Yeah, and I, I love that so much because
I think it's so incrediblyimportant to be like, okay,
I want to love myself more,not just love myself as
I am right this second.
It's like I wanna, I wannalove all of the different
versions of myself, who Iwas that two weeks ago when
I thought I knew everything.
(02:43):
The version of myself nowthat is maybe struggling a
little bit and maybe that.
That version of me five yearsago, that is, you know, just
still trying to figure out somethings or trying to figure out
who, who you are as a person.
Christina Spinazola (03:00):
Yeah.
And like that justdoesn't change.
Yeah.
Um, and actually, youknow, the relationship that
I'm in now is incredible.
I've been in relationshipsthat have been less incredible
and I've actually noticeda, like a fear pop up, like
mm-hmm.
I am boththe same me that I've always
been and I'm so different.
Yeah, like, right, like theessence of you is the same
(03:23):
but also distinctly different.
Where I'm like, ohman, I can see so many
different relationships,so many different, even
friendships, right?
Like as people evolve,relationships evolve.
Mm-hmm.
And with my fiance Chris,we get married in November.
Um, we actually have anagreement, like we've put
language to it for eachother to say like, we agree
to love this and all futureversions of each other.
(03:44):
Like, we're both gonna evolvein so many different ways.
Yeah.
And like, just like be presentto like, whatever that looks
like and kind of joyfullychoose, you know, to care
about those versions too.
'cause who knows where thislife is gonna bring us.
Julia Salvia (03:58):
Yeah.
And we don't even know who weare gonna be tomorrow or five
minutes from now, or the lifethat we are going to be living.
Like you, like you said,like two weeks from now,
we, we don't actually know.
It's about committing toloving ourselves through
whatever that might be
Christina Spinazola (04:16):
completely.
And you know, some thingsfeel easier than others.
Yep.
While also knowing likethat kind of feels like the
cool growth edge though.
Like, all right, can Ilove myself even when
things are really hard?
Yeah.
Julia Salvia (04:37):
Hi guys.
Welcome back to theSelf-Love Archives podcast.
I am yourself, love BessieJulia, and I am here with
a really special guest.
This is Christina.
I'm, Christina is a lifecoach and I cannot wait to.
Pick your brain today and learnabout how you got to where you
(04:58):
are through self-love and yourjourney in helping others with
their own journeys as well.
That's such a, that, that issuch an incredible thing to have
kind of like in the palms ofyour hand and a such an amazing
thing to help people in climbingtheir own mountains essentially.
(05:19):
Tell me a little bit about that.
Christina Spinazola (05:21):
Yeah, thanks for having me.
I'm excited for the conversationand again, I, you'll hear me say
this probably a couple times.
I don't proclaim to have arrivedor have made it or have all
the secrets or the answers.
All I know is what's kindof worked for me and that I
wouldn't say that it wouldnecessarily work for somebody
else, but I think just likethe, the ongoing inquiry and
exploration into like, okay,you know, I could spend my whole
(05:45):
life aiding myself and a lot ofpeople kind of take that option.
But instead to like activelyand intentionally kind of
create a different relationshipwith yourself because when you
stop and think about it, likethis is the life you have,
this is the body that youhave, this is like, it's you.
You might as well learn tolove it because the other
(06:06):
option just seems so dark.
Julia Salvia (06:10):
Yeah.
Really though, I, I, oh
Christina Spinazola (06:14):
yeah.
There are so many people thatI think really, you know, it.
They fight against itand struggle with it.
And again, I'm, I have inmy own way, but to be like,
yeah, I'm gonna always lookfor different ways to, to
bring more light into therelationship with myself.
And I've seen it too.
I'd be curious yourexperience with this.
I've seen that every time I havefound some ways to like, deepen
(06:34):
my relationship with myself,how gentle I am with myself,
how kind I am with myself, um,you know, how much magic or
brilliance I see in myself.
Like I can also see moreof that in other people.
Way more understanding,way more kind.
Way more patient.
Um, that it definitelygoes back and forth.
And I also see that when peopleare really kind to me, when
(06:56):
people are really loving to me,like it's this just positive
feedback cycle of like, theyteach me how to love me.
I'm more patient with them.
Like everybodyjust wins together.
Julia Salvia (07:07):
I completely see that and, and
completely agree too.
I think as I startedhealing myself.
And started coming tothis place of loving who I
actually am, not who I amtrying to be for the world.
It, it really changed myperspective on other people.
It's as simply as thismorning I definitely did
(07:31):
a little illegal K turnin the middle of the road.
I knew I should have done it,but it's just the quicker way
to get, get home rather thantaking like 5,000 turns around
and, and going the other way.
And I had more thanenough space, more than
enough room to do this.
And there was an older womanthat got excruciating, like
excruciatingly mad at me,like through her window.
(07:53):
She was like, oh my God.
Like, and I just waved ather and I said, thank you.
And in that moment right there,I feel like we, we definitely
have our, our bad days.
There are bad days wherethat, you know, I'm giving
her the finger back orsomething like that.
But.
I think most days I'm seeingthat more, whether I'm the
(08:16):
other, I'm the woman in the car,you know, when someone just cut
me off or I'm the person doingthe illegal K turn in the middle
of the road, I'm, I notice thatI have a lot more patience and
my first thought is like, oh,this person has somewhere to go.
This person has somethingthat they need to do.
If this person is makinga K turn in the middle,
(08:36):
in the middle of the roadbecause it's easier for
her to get home that way.
And I think in findingthat kindness for yourself,
you can find that kindnessfor other people and think
whatever they're feelingand whatever's going on
isn't actually towards you.
It's more about what'sgoing on in their, in their
(08:57):
own lives, whether they'rebeing kind or unkind to you.
Christina Spinazola (09:02):
I love that you're bringing
this in so early.
I mean, I think one of myfavorite things has been
really seeing that for me,like even when I'm being
angry about something.
Mm-hmm.
Has nothing to do with what'shappening out there.
Right.
Like that's just me being angry.
Yep.
Like this woman, I similar toyou, I remember probably
two winters ago, it wasdark here in New England.
(09:24):
I was going for a walk.
I go for a lot of walks torespond to client messages
and just that sort of thing.
And I walked across the street.
Don't get me wrong.
I was wearing like blackleggings and a black puffy
jacket, like with white shoesand someone I ran across
the road really short, acar drove by and was pissed,
like rolled down the windowlike I almost hit you.
(09:45):
Like that was so dangerous.
And I was like, okay.
One, you didn't two.
Yeah, I probably shouldhave had some colors on or
like some sort of thing.
But it just highlighted tome like there are a lot of
people that are just angry.
And they're always looking for areason or an excuse to be angry.
And it has, like, it'snot personal, right?
So when you can kind ofdepersonalize that, you kind
(10:06):
of almost feel, uh, wildlyempowered, like, cool, the
way people engage with me.
This is not like anintellectual understanding.
Like it really has more todo with what's going on in
their world, and you can becurious and patient about it.
To your point, we allhave moments, right?
That aren't our best, butmm-hmm.
I get tosee that other people have a
lot to do with them, and myreactions are, they're all
(10:29):
me, whether I like 'em or not.
Julia Salvia (10:31):
Yeah.
And I, I think that if wewere to fall into feeling
what other people are feelingaround us, especially in
those more uncomfortableemotions like anger or sadness.
If we fall into the, the trap,so to speak, to feel what
(10:52):
other people are feeling.
'cause there's a differencebetween like, almost like
giving in versus havingempathy for someone.
And I feel like the empathypart of it is the actual
healing of ourselves.
Having empathy and understandingfor, um, you know, this,
this idea that whatever thisperson is feeling, especially
those uncomfortable emotionsis all them versus, you know,
(11:15):
falling into the trap of this.
Of, you know, getting angrybecause they got angry at us or
being sad because they're alsosad and there's such a strength
in recognizing that too, andknowing that that's them.
That's not me in this moment.
That's them.
Christina Spinazola (11:37):
One of the biggest learnings that I
had with Chris at the beginningof our relationship was.
It.
Chris is like a gentle giant.
Like he's not an angryperson by any means.
Yeah.
But he's human.
He would getfrustrated with things.
He would get irritated.
He would get angry at attimes, and like I would be so
reactionary to his emotion.
Mm-hmm.
Like Iam not super proud to say it,
(12:00):
but it'd be like, you know,no, like, don't be that.
Whereas when I could justlet him be angry for a
minute or like let him befrustrated, it didn't impact
me nearly as much like I won.
But when he was frustratedand I was frustrated that he
was frustrated, one, I'm doingthe same thing, and two, my
experience is a whole lot worse.
So yeah, learning to letpeople just be with whatever
(12:22):
shows up for them, literallyit feels like a superpower.
Julia Salvia (12:26):
Yeah, I am definitely in the midst
of learning that too.
Um, I, I think, I think wethink we are supposed to go into
relationships completely healed.
Or like loving ourselves.
We need to go into arelationship when like our
cup is filled or when we loveourselves, like when we get
to that imaginary point atthe top of the mountain that
doesn't exist, we're we think,okay, we're healed, we're good.
(12:48):
We can go into a relationship,but it almost doesn't, it
does not matter how healedyou think you are or how much
self-love you have for yourself.
That relationship, whetherit be a friendship, a you
know, one-on-one relationship.
Bringing a child into thisworld, whatever relationship
it might be that you decideto go into, um, or be a part
(13:09):
of that is going to touchat every single trigger that
you might possibly have.
Because now here you are andyou're changing things up
kind of to the point of like,you're never gonna get to that,
you know, that mountaintop,so to speak, that that end.
Because it's forever changing.
(13:29):
You're adding things in thatare almost just making the, I
don't like to visualize it asa path, but you're almost like
adding things in that make thepath longer if you don't just
enjoy like where you are and seewhat's around you and see it as
a circle, not this long line.
Right.
So back to what youwere saying, like if
there's any emotion that.
(13:51):
My boyfriend likes toput out there or like
it really, he feels I amlike a, I'm the sad girl.
He's like the angry guy andhe's the kindest person ever,
like has the kindest heart andthat's what really matters.
But he gets angry at things.
I wouldn't imaginebeing angry at.
(14:13):
And it makes, and I noticea lot that it makes me
angry and I'm like, okay,we need to step back.
Like, I'm not actually angry.
I'm just angry that you areangry and I need to let you
feel your emotions becauseyou're allowed to be angry.
You're allowed to feelall the things that you
want to feel, but it doesnot have an effect on me.
And he's not, you know, he'snot projecting it on me.
(14:33):
He's just angry.
And then I'm just in the way.
Christina Spinazola (14:36):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so interestingto your point, like.
Relationships are themost fertile soil for
growing because they put aspotlight on all your stuff.
Doesn't matter like howmuch work you've done it.
Yep.
It is there and therefor your taking.
Julia Salvia (14:52):
Yeah, and I think when we can lean into
that, that's, that's wherelike, that's super power
comes from where we feel somuch stronger, not just in
our relationship, but withourselves as well, because
we have the self-awarenessto recognize those things.
Christina Spinazola (15:08):
Yeah.
Like when people, youknow, lash out or have a
moment like, I do that too.
Julia Salvia (15:12):
Yeah.
So
Chris (15:13):
like, okay, you're human.
Like I've got a lotof space for that.
Julia Salvia (15:17):
Mm-hmm.
How do you hold space foryourself, your clients, your
fiance, when maybe realitydoesn't look so motivated
or productive or happy?
Christina Spinazola (15:32):
Oh, that's a cool question and one that
I feel like I've recently.
Had like some understandingand perspective shift on
when I first startedcoaching, I would be lying
if I didn't say that.
I put pressure on myselfto like be the solution.
Right.
Have people figure it out.
If they come in as a challenge,they leave with an answer.
(15:53):
Yeah.
And you know, the more Ihave seen and I've been
through some, am I allowedto swear on this podcast?
Like I've been throughsome shit, go right ahead.
Like, you know.
Some of the lowest moments forme, some of the most challenging
things that like, you know,I probably wouldn't raise
my hand or like voluntarilysign up to experience.
I can also see how much Igrew through those things.
(16:16):
Granted, that was choiceful,like I took it on as an
opportunity to be like, okay,what can I learn from this?
But in those moments,for me, when I can see
everything that is in my lifenow, that was part of it.
Yeah, I wouldn'tnecessarily give it up.
For example, I found coaching,I had back surgery in 2019 after
(16:36):
a year of back pain in 2018.
I hurt my back then, andyou know, if you paid me
to go back through like thephysical and emotional anguish
of like that injury, likeI wouldn't be interested.
But I found coachingthrough it, which I now do
full-time and professionally,and I love this field.
Yeah, I wouldn't haveknown it existed.
So when people show upand there's something
(16:57):
going on for them.
Sometimes it's like a reallysimple thing and asking
like, Hey, what's mosthelpful for you right now?
And sometimes they don't know.
And then I have to do mybest and I have to be okay
with getting it wrong, right?
If I do get it wrong.
But it's also just seeing,you know, if I have a client
who's in a really tough spotand I work with people and
they, they're really openwith me about what's going
(17:17):
on, I also don't worry thatthey shouldn't be there.
Mm-hmm.
Or I'mlike, that's part of their
process right now and I get towalk through that with them too.
So I think it's really notjust, you know, intellectually
thinking that it's okay, butI've seen and lived for myself.
Even those moments.
(17:38):
They're where I was supposedto be in that moment.
And so when that shows up forsomebody else, I can invite
them into something different.
And if that's where they are,I really kind of believe that
that's where they're supposedto be at the same time.
Julia Salvia (17:52):
Yeah.
'cause it's such an interestingparadox to look at something
that may have been astruggle and really, really
tough moment in our lives.
And then to see why maybe like,it, it really kind of depends
on how you, how you view itin, in the universe of things.
(18:14):
Yeah.
But really to see why youwent through that thing to get
to this that you're in now.
And how all of the thingsare like interconnected and
intertwined with each other, andhow you might not be coaching
if you did go through backsurgery or this person might
not be, you know, with theirdream partner because if, if
(18:40):
they didn't go through thisand it's, you could play like a
cause and effect kind of thingwith yourself and it's just.
It's such an interesting paradoxto look at something that may
have been one of the toughestchallenges in your life, but
then see how it brought youto what you might be doing or
(19:01):
what, what and who you are now.
Christina Spinazola (19:04):
Yep.
I mean, I, I've hit the,the burnout space where I
got to learn a lot aboutmy nervous system, right?
A lot about capacity.
Again, really hard.
I had ended a, a really longterm relationship in my life.
And I joke with people, oneof the reasons I'm so good at
relationship now is because I'vebeen so bad at it in the past.
I, I know all the thingsto not do that create
(19:27):
challenges in relationship.
Like again, not proud ofthose things, but when
you can see that likeit's all just learning.
You get to learn from it,you get to apply it while
also, I think this is alsoreally important, both as a
coach and as a human being.
Sometimes someone's sharingsomething with you and
they're just like in it.
Mm-hmm.
And the last thing that theywant to hear is like, oh, well,
(19:49):
what could be the silver lining?
Right?
Like, oh, mm-hmm.
Like, it's not justpositive thinking.
And there are things thathappen where again, it's
like, I, I kind of wish thathadn't happened, but it did.
So I can't tell you the systemor the filter for like, when I
just am with somebody in theirpain and when I'm inviting them
into like something different.
It's kind of just like anintuitive thing for me.
(20:10):
Like a high level ofdiscernment, how open I
think they are, you know,all those different pieces.
But it's the same with me.
Like I have to be willing tobe okay with what's showing
up in the moment whilealso knowing like there's
always something else that'sdifferent and available to us.
Julia Salvia (20:26):
That was one of the main things I took away
from, you know, after my dad hadpassed away, I just, everyone
was like, it's gonna be okay.
I'm like, shut up.
Yeah.
Like I'mfully irrevocably aware.
Especially going ev everythingthat I've, you know, been
through, gone through, orthat we've been through, gone
through in life, I think weall know it's going to be okay.
(20:49):
And I hope that we all knowthat it's going to be okay.
But the last thing that we wannahear when we're in the thick
of it, when we're deep in thathole that we need to climb out
of, Hey, it's gonna be okay.
Like, no, that is theworst thing that you
can say to someone.
It's, I almost thinkit's better to say.
You know what you'redoing for your clients,
which is just saying Hi,like, I'm here for you.
(21:12):
I'm here to support you inwhatever way you need, and
here is some space that Ican hold for you in whatever
you're going through right now.
Christina Spinazola (21:22):
I'll never forget talking with my mom.
My mom went through breastcancer treatment, um, years ago.
She's great now, and Iremember she told me she was
talking with a neighbor justabout what was going on.
She didn't shareopenly and widely.
And our neighbor just kindof looked at her and said
like, wow, that really sucks.
She was like, it was myfavorite response that I got
through the entire process.
(21:42):
Not like, wow, you're so strong.
Like you can do it.
You'll get through it.
Mm-hmm.
Not like any of that.
Just like, yeah, that sucks.
And it depends onthe person, right?
It depends on thecircumstance of, it
depends on so many things.
So being able to kind ofhold both of those things
kind of in that paradoxicalnature that you were talking
about feels really important.
Julia Salvia (22:00):
Mm-hmm.
It's, it's actually kind oflike the dark humor of these,
you know, maybe shitty thingsthat we're going through.
There's a special kindof person that you can
actually say dark humor too,about their own traumas.
And I, I love dark humor.
I think my dad would be dyinglaughing at some of the things
(22:21):
that happen and that are said.
Um, but I, I think it'sactually even more funny.
And then someone saying darkhumor back to me, like about
my dad, about the situation.
I, I think it's actually evenmore funny when someone gets
uncomfortable from hearing it.
I'm like, it's really fine.
Like,
Christina Spinazola (22:43):
and that's, this is where it
feels like know your audience.
It's a really important piece.
Julia Salvia (22:47):
Yes.
Know your audience.
The discernment in this, in thiscase is definitely something
that needs to be built.
Christina Spinazola (22:54):
Okay, so this is actually interesting.
I'd love to like kind ofriff on that a little bit.
Um, yeah, like there's somany times in life where
again, maybe you think thatsomeone's like open to it or
ready for it and you say itand they're just not like it.
It lands so wrong.
Mm-hmm.
I think for me, I have builtso much compassion for
myself and like I'm goingto get things wrong in life.
(23:19):
Yes.
I'm gonna say the wrong thing.
People are gonna be pissed,they're gonna be upset,
they're gonna be unhappy.
And I have no idea howit's gonna land until
sometimes it's out.
So like, kind of like testingthe waters and like almost
risking it in communication,right?
Like can feel super scary.
And I think a lot of peoplebecause of that, try to keep
(23:39):
it super safe all the time.
Yeah.
And this is something thatI'm still like learning and
working on all the time, butif you can be kind and gentle
with yourself that like, man,I really was doing my best.
Like, my intention wasnot to hurt that person.
They took it in a waythat wasn't the way that I
intended it to be received.
That stuff happens andI share it because like
(24:01):
I just, I give myself somuch grace when it happens.
I don't love it.
I still have that like gutpunch moment of like, oh shit.
Yeah, and you know,you make it right.
You just keep going.
Julia Salvia (24:12):
I mean, you're human and we're all gonna make
mistakes one way or another.
Say the wrong thing oneway or another, and at the
end of the day, we're notgonna relate to everything.
That someone is feelingor that someone is saying.
I think that, you know, ifI think that at the base, at
the foundation of that, um,mistake or that thing that you
(24:35):
wanted to communicate and say,as long as like we know that
we, it's coming from a placeof kindness and not malice.
That's what matters.
And that, I think is thestrength that allows us to get
through the, like the un thelike discomfort of like, oh
fuck, I said the wrong thing.
Christina Spinazola (24:53):
Totally like it's gonna happen.
And the more I can beokay with that, right?
So for example, likeas a coach, I am human.
I will make mistakes.
I will get it wrong.
So if a, if I get it wrongwith a client, right?
Something doesn't land orthey're upset or whatever it
may be one, I'm always willingto look at my side of that
to be like, okay, mm-hmm.
Where's the ownershipthat I can pull into that?
(25:14):
And I always ask clients to likelook at the ownership of where
they can own some stuff too.
Like we get to bothlearn together.
But if I have someone in mylife who doesn't let me get
it wrong, the other thingthat I know about them is
that they also don't letthemselves get it wrong.
Yeah.
Because if you, like I said, Ilet myself get it wrong.
So when other peopleget it wrong, I'm like,
yeah, that happens.
(25:34):
Right.
It made sense at the time.
It, for example, likeagain, sharing about some
of my own transformation,so I was a vegetarian for
probably four or five years.
Mm-hmm.
And whenI lived with my ex and I was in
that phase of my life, uh, like.
I wouldn't even buy himmeat or cook it for him,
(25:55):
like none of that stuff.
And it made so muchsense to me at the time.
Yeah.
Like that way of thinking.
It just naturally like,no, why would I do that?
And when now I doeat meat again.
Uh, thank God missedbacon, but like.
In this process, Julia, like nowin the morning, you know, I'll
be out for a run and Chris willbe coming home from Juujitsu or
(26:17):
something, and I will literallyrun faster to be able to come
home and make him breakfastbefore he has to go to work like
that never would've, it wouldn'thave made sense to me before.
I would've heard other peopledoing something like that
and I would've judged them.
Mm-hmm.
Like, and now I'm like, okay,now that makes sense to me.
So I think just giving yourselfthe space, like for your
(26:37):
perspective to evolve for likeyou as a person to evolve.
Yeah.
Uh, it will always do that.
Julia Salvia (26:44):
You usually see this on social media where
someone like makes a pointto say that they don't like
something and then they liketake it back publicly for
everyone to see and be like,no, I actually do like that.
And then everyone'sin the comments.
Hating on it and be like, yousaid you didn't like that.
And I, I look at this andI'm like, do people not
(27:07):
understand that we are notalways going to be the exact
same person and that maybe Ididn't like olives five minutes
ago and now, you know what?
Now I like olivesand it's all fine.
Christin (27:19):
And to me, this is the beautiful thing, right?
Like when I can change mymind, I'm really okay with
people changing their mind.
But if, mm-hmm I'm threatenedby changing course or
doing something different.
Somebody else doing that,I'm also gonna judge.
Right.
Like I shared with you, likeI, I noticed for me how much
I thought there was a place toarrive and I learned about that
because I was judging otherpeople who were like putting
(27:40):
that out on social media.
Mm-hmm.
I was like, oh wait, I'm judgingthem because they think
there's a place to arrive.
And that's because I'vealso thought that like, you
get to learn a lot when youstart paying attention to the
stuff that goes on up there.
Julia Salvia (27:54):
Yeah.
When you become so self-awareof what goes on in your brain.
Day to day.
It's so interesting.
I think the past two dayshave been, I've, I've actually
had a lot of like anger comeup for no reason, and I'm
like, and every part of me,maybe it's the luteal phase.
I'm in my luteal phase.
Yeah.
Maybe it's that, maybe it's the,because my period's coming, but.
(28:19):
All I wanna do is just godownstairs and like, pick a
fight with my boyfriend forno reason, no reason at all.
But instead of doing that,I'm like, and even if I do
decide to do that, I want tobe self-aware and reflect and
be like, okay, what's actuallyhappening, happening here?
Are you overwhelmed?
Are you stressed?
Is there something, you knowgoing on that we can, you know,
(28:40):
give that, that, that that'sactually fueling this anger?
Because you're not actuallylike angry at him for anything.
Like, why do you wanna gopick a fight that's not gonna
benefit you in any sort of way?
So there's this strength in,in finding that self-awareness,
um, not just like with our,with ourselves and healing
ourselves, but I think withhaving that self-awareness
(29:02):
of how our, you know, what'saround us, affects us as well.
Christina Spinazola (29:07):
And what's really kind of fun with that.
I have a sign back here, Idon't know if you can see it
in the video, it says, create.
Um, I'm all about kind oflike creating with whatever
shows up in the moment.
Yeah.
And there's awoman, I love that.
There's a woman that I followon Instagram who's been a,
someone that's kind of, I'vewatched her revolution as like
a, a coach as a practitioner.
Mm-hmm.
Her name is Madeline Moon.
And one of the things thatshe brings in is like a lot of
(29:29):
creativity to relationships.
Right.
Like when you're self-awareof, to catch yourself being
like, I wanna pick a fight.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
So like, instead of godoing it and doing it
seriously, like is there away to make that playful.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
To haveenough self-awareness, right.
To go to your partner andbe like, I just want you to
know that I'm angry todayfor no reason and I'm ready
to fight about whateveryou'd like to fight about.
(29:50):
Right?
Like, pick your battleand let's go to town.
Like, yeah, that, that'screativity, right?
That's like turning likethis weird stuff that just
shows up in your mind intosomething that's like fun
and lighthearted, and it canactually be like more connecting
than driving some wedge thatdoesn't need to be there.
Julia Salvia (30:08):
And that's usually what they say in
relationships too, like just.
To, you know, if you're in themiddle of like a fight, which
I do sometimes, and I sometimesfeel like a, a genuine, crazy
person, but we'll, uh, we'llbe in like heated argument
or, you know, something willlike be going on and I'll
just like a light switch.
We'll, can I have a hug?
(30:33):
But I think that shiftis, is really powerful
and gets you, um, to, likeyou said, connect more.
Christina Spinazola (30:39):
Self-love, even for me is a lot about
just being connected to you.
Like, am I aware of what I need?
And sometimes I think that'sthe hardest thing when like,
I don't know what I need.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Because that's where you kindof set people up for failure
who are trying to support you.
It's like no matter whatthey do, like they might
not be able to get it right.
'cause you have no clue.
So finding ways to be like,okay, what do I do with that?
Julia Salvia (31:05):
It's like a learning process too, because
how do, how are you gonna figureout what you need if you don't
try to figure out what you need?
Christina Spinazola (31:13):
Yeah.
Even for me, there was a coupleweeks ago, you know, so much of
my day is given to being presentand listening to other people.
And like I said, I love that.
I think I have the coolestjob in the whole world.
And there's moments where I'veasked Chris, like, Hey, if you
notice that I'm like distractedor I'm just kinda like stuck
in my head, like just bringme back to the present moment.
(31:34):
Mm-hmm.
And a couple weeks ago,I had a really busy week.
My schedule's a little bittighter than usual this summer.
And you know, it was anevening and Chris was like,
Hey, you feel a littledistracted, like, can you,
do you wanna join me here?
And in an instant, he had donethe thing I had asked him to do.
Mm-hmm.
And I was pretty pissed off.
And I was
Julia Salvia (31:54):
like,
Christina Spinazola (31:54):
okay,
Julia Salvia (31:56):
that's not the direction I
thought you were gonna go
Christina Spinazola (31:58):
in.
Right.
Like, he had doneexactly what I had asked.
And then I was like, okay,so why am I so pissed?
And in an instant,Julia, I saw like what?
I wasn't distracted in my head.
I was actually, the firsttime in a while I had had a
free minute to myself to thinkabout what had to be done in
my own world, like in my life.
So it felt like one other personthat needed something from me.
(32:21):
And I literally toldhim, and again, this is a
little bit of like mentalgymnastics, but stay with me.
I was like in naturally.
The thing he hates more thananything in the world is
like when he gets it wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Like he feels bad.
He is not trying to,he was trying to help.
Yeah.
And I told him, I said, Chris,like, I also need you to
hear, it took me a minute.
(32:42):
I was like, I also needyou to hear, I see that
you were trying to help.
Right.
You did exactly whatI've asked you to do.
And that usually helps.
It's like, and in some wayit was helpful because it
wasn't until you asked meto do this that I realized
I actually needed that.
So like by you getting it wrong,I got to learn what I needed.
And what I needed was actuallytime to think about the things
(33:02):
that had to be done in my world.
Right.
So to like be able todance with that of like,
no, that was helpful.
Not in the way I washoping it would be, but it
highlighted to me exactlywhat I needed in that moment.
Uh, where it is like youget to learn about what you
need as you go and then likepull it with you forward.
Julia Salvia (33:18):
Yeah.
I love that.
I, it's funny, I had a similar.
A similar thinghappened recently.
My, um, my boyfriend asked meif I needed help or if there's
any way that he could helpwith, you know, all these huge
projects that I'm working on.
And, um, I kind of shut himdown immediately and said no.
And, uh, when I was on a,on a walk a little bit, you
know, after I thought aboutit and I was like, I don't
(33:41):
need physical help rightnow, but I need support.
Yeah.
And I shared that with herand I was like, I just need,
you know, you to support me.
And maybe help me more.
So, um, like organize mythoughts or like, let me
just talk like, you don'tneed to fix anything.
Like, let me just say myschedule out loud and let,
(34:04):
let me have you listen.
Rather than me going to likevoice note it to chat GBT.
So he came to me, the, uh, wewere on a walk together and
we, I'm, I'm spewing absolutelyall this information at him.
And he goes to one thingthat like, I, I do not want
(34:26):
to hear, it's the last thingI want to hear right now.
But he was doing it from aplace of support and I ended
up, you know, fault on me, likeripping him a new asshole and
he was just trying to help.
But what he said, he's like,you don't have a lot of time.
And I wanted to screamand be like, I know.
(34:49):
Or he'll say things like,you need to get on that.
And I'm like, I amso, or like, you don't
have a lot of time.
And I think in those, in thosemoments, he's just trying to be
supportive and keep me aware.
But I am, you know, comingfrom a place of like in my
(35:11):
head, listing out everything,doing more than what one human
could possibly actually do.
Um, and he's just kind of thereto bring me back to reality
and be like, that's a lot.
Christina Spinazola (35:25):
And I feel like this episode now
needs to be dedicated to thepartners that just let us talk.
Like it is the most supportivething where it's like, I could
probably talk to a wall andget the same benefit, but
having like my person theresomehow makes it better.
Julia Salvia (35:39):
They can like reflect.
They have a physicalpresence there.
Christina Spinazol (35:42):
Yeah, it is.
But those are themoments that are like.
Because it confronts youwith parts of yourself
when that happens.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Like, oh, I just freaked outat someone who's trying to
help and like I could seetheir heart in it and like
that just wasn't helpful.
Yeah.
It, it takesa lot to be able to like, go
for a walk and like own thatthough, and be like, okay, yeah.
That wasn't my best.
(36:03):
Let's try again.
Julia Salvia (36:05):
Yep.
To have like just someone thatcould hold that space for you,
like you said, like having you.
There to hold space for theclients that you do have or
having, um, you know, yourfiance there to hold space
for you and vice versa.
And us all just holdingspace for other people
where there's no fixing,there's no questioning.
(36:27):
It's just, Hey,here's some space.
It's like, Hey, here'sa blank piece of paper.
Go at it.
It's my blank, blankpiece of paper.
But you can have it andyou can write all over it.
Christina Spinazola (36:37):
Yeah.
And I wanna kind of bringin something that we
had talked about before.
Like when you're holdingspace for people, kind
of what that means.
And for me it's just kindalike loving people and at the
same time it's bidirectional.
Like you hear this thing like,you can only love other people
as deeply as you love yourself.
And I do believe that.
'cause I see, again, the moreI see in myself, the more
(36:58):
I can see in other people.
And every time that I've beenstruggling and a coach has seen
the best in me and continuedto help me and remind me of who
I am like by being loved, likethat helps me to better love.
Both me and other people,so like, I don't think it's
necessarily exclusivelyone or the other.
I think both of those thingsdance together at like different
(37:18):
stages of life and just yeah,all kind of work together to
be like, can we just bring morelove into the world period.
Like more kindness,more understanding,
better ability to haveconversations and communicate.
That's, that's to mewhat it's all about.
Julia Salvia (37:32):
Yeah.
I love that so much.
Is, is there something that youwish people would know more?
Christi (37:41):
That's a huge question.
Julia Salvia (37:44):
I'm sure it's a load, a loaded question.
You could think of a millionthings, but what might be
the first thing that comesto your mind when you think
about something that, um,maybe you come across a
lot that you're like, ah,I just wish you knew this.
Christina Spinazola (37:57):
Yeah.
I really wish people understoodthat their experience,
we kind of touched on itin different ways today.
Like it's generated by you.
Yeah.
And a lot of times it feelslike it's generated by
the stuff outside of you.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Like when Chris doesn't helpin the exact way, that would be
helpful for me in the moment.
Like, it's up to me tocreate that experience as
(38:19):
no, but he was still helpfulbecause he highlighted to
me what I actually neededby giving me what I didn't.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Like the, the ownershipand the responsibility
of that to be on you.
Uh, yeah.
I mean, you can really startto see and understand that
your mind is the thing thatcreates your experience.
You have a lot more impact andinfluence and responsibility
(38:41):
over what you wanna do withthat, um, than if you didn't
really deeply understand that.
Julia Salvia (38:47):
I love that.
What's a tool that you wishthat the people had more of or
a single tool that they knew of?
Christina Spinazola (38:56):
It's interesting because I feel
like the tool that I talkabout the most point to, right?
It's not like a physical, here'sa worksheet, go do a worksheet.
Um.
But it's understandingyour mind, right?
Like when a lot of peopleI see kind of get into this
space where like, you know, Ihate my mind like, you know,
it's always chirping, it'salways saying things, but when
(39:18):
you can shift from, you know,being frustrated with like the
internal talk and the dialoguethat's running all the time
mm-hmm.
To gettingcurious about it, like actually
seeking to understand it.
To me, like that process willjust provide insight that like,
just again, shifts you from.
Not eating meat and not evenwilling to, to entertain
(39:40):
something different, to like,Hey, I, I bet I could run home
early to cook crisp breakfast.
Like, it, it starts just makingyou a kinder and gentler person.
Julia Salvia (39:49):
So it's more understanding the tool,
like the tool of our minds.
Christina Spinazola (39:55):
Yeah.
It's like a, a user manualand, and most people
don't read it, right?
Like it is the most powerfulthing, the most powerful tool
that any of us have access to.
It seizes our mind to, to betterunderstand our experience and
how that impacts our experience.
And I'm fascinated by it.
I love talking with peopleabout it, and I don't claim to
have, again, all the answers,I'm deepening my understanding
(40:17):
and my knowledge around itall the time, but to, to give
people the plant, the seed thatthe more you can understand
yourself and your mind andwhat it's doing and that it's
whatever it's doing is normal.
Mm-hmm.
I think one of the thingsI love about podcasts,
even like this one, is.
To be able to have peopleshare their stories, to
normalize this stuff.
Like I'm an exceptionalcoach, I'm an exceptional
(40:40):
human being, and sometimesI freak out at my partner.
Like, that stuffhappens and that's okay.
Julia Salvia (40:48):
Yeah.
Oh, I love that so much.
Thank you for, for that.
That's wonderful.
I'm definitely gonna takethat with me and maybe read a
couple more manuals to my mind.
Yeah.
So to close out, I alwayslike to have everyone,
um, answer a question frommy upcoming card deck.
(41:11):
So I'm launching a card deckcalled Love Yourself More.
And this is really specialbecause I actually just
got the physical box.
Congratulations for it.
Thank you.
Um, so rather than me, you know,going on my iPad and finding
a question for you, I canactually flip through the cards.
So this is really fun.
(41:32):
But basically the Love Yourselfmore card deck is about
going deeper with yourself.
And I, I love the way, theway to play it essentially
is to ask yourself if youwanna go deep, deeper, or
deepest with yourself today,you would choose a category.
So I'm gonna have you choose acategory and then we're going
to, um, just pick a number andI'm gonna count to that card.
(41:56):
There's 33 cardsin each category.
Um, so.
Christina, would you like to godeep, deeper, or deepest today?
Christina Spinazola (42:04):
I love being extremist, so
we're gonna go deepest.
Julia Salvia (42:06):
Oh, I love it.
And give me a numberone through 33.
Christina Spinazola (42:14):
27, 27.
Julia Salvia (42:17):
This is actually really interesting question.
Um, there's about one questionin each section that is
very rhetorical rather thanmore of a direct question.
So.
Okay.
From the deepest category.
The question is, do you actuallyknow the answer, but you're
(42:37):
not ready to accept it yet?
Christina Spinazola (42:40):
Okay.
I love this question, and Iwould say actually probably
for the first time in probablymy life, I feel like I have
a knowingness to a lot of thequestions that are showing
up, and I have been withsome really big questions at
different stages of my life.
Um, from, you know, endinga long-term relationship.
(43:01):
We were together for morethan seven and a half years.
And that, like, had Ipulled that card then Yeah.
Like, I, I would've beenclear on like Mm. Yeah.
Not ready.
Yep.
But I leftmy corporate job, same thing.
And you know, I share often now,like for me, that's always been
present around relationships.
(43:23):
Mm-hmm.
And if anything.
Like, there's,there's nothing there.
For me, it's just like, no.
The couple of really largedecisions that I've made in
the last say a year or so,feel really grounded in,
so it's actually a reallycool reflection point to
see how often the answerto that would've been like,
yeah, I'm not ready toaccept the answer for this.
Mm-hmm.
And how right now I'm actuallyin a spot where I'm like, I
(43:44):
actually, I know the answer.
I accept the answer,and I love the answer.
Julia Salvia (43:49):
I love that.
I love that so much.
That's, that's exactly how.
This question works and howa lot of the questions in
the deck work, it's reallyto not confuse you, but allow
you to question yourself.
Because when we can't find theanswer or a deep enough answer,
the goal is to continue to askyourself why, until you really
(44:12):
get a better understanding ofyour genuine, deepest truth for
your response to the question.
Thank you so much for beinghere and playing my card
deck with me and for justsharing your insights on
not just being a life coach,but just being a human.
Christ (44:33):
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for giving mesome space to also be human.
Um, and I guess the last thingthat I'll share is, you know,
anybody that is in this inquirywith you around what it looks
like to love themselves more,like they're on the right path.
Julia Salvia (44:48):
I love that so much.
And Christina, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Before we end, pleasetell everybody where
they can find you.
What's the best place tofind you to book with you,
to listen to your podcast?
Christina Spinazola (45:00):
Yeah, so I have a podcast called
Walking Towards Fear,WTF, fun acronym there.
And you know I am onInstagram at Christina Spin.
I'm on Facebook,Christina Spinola.
I do a lot of sharing therejust a little bit longer
than Instagram captions.
Mm-hmm.
And I have a website justchristina spinola.com and
(45:20):
I share this quite often.
The way that I havebuilt my business and
continue to is throughconversations with people.
I'm always open toconversations, uh, you know,
not a fit for a coach foreverybody, and not everybody's
a fit for a client for me.
But if these are topics thatpeople are really asking
questions around and looking todeepen their understanding with
one of my favorite things to do.
So thank you for givingme this chance to share.
Julia Salvia (45:41):
Of course.
Thank you so much.
And thank you somuch for being here.
Christina (45:45):
Thanks for having me.
Of
Julia Salvia (45:46):
course.
I really love when you said that
(00:03):
self-love is like a scale.
What do you mean by a scale?
Because we're not weighingour self-love on a scale.
Christina Spinazola (00:13):
Yeah.
It's not physical,it's not tangible, and
yet it's super real.
Um, yeah.
I've heard my coaches foreversay something to the effect
of like, there's levels tothis, whatever this is that
we're kind of exploring.
And to me it's not like,you know, do I lift myself?
Do I not?
But it's really like, howmuch do I love myself?
It's a question, right?
Where it kind of feelslike it always invites us
(00:34):
into finding different waysto love ourselves more.
And to me that doesn'tfeel, you know, another, uh,
analogy there is like, it'sa mountain without a top.
It's a road without an end.
Like there's always justmore, not from a place of
like pressure or pushing orit has to be more or better,
but like there's alwaysanother level to finding
ways to love yourself better.
Julia Salvia (00:55):
I completely agree.
I think that there's this.
Almost like feeling that we allget from just our surroundings,
other like society and otherpeople, and these expectations
where there's like this end thatone day we're just gonna wake up
and be like, oh my God, I lovemyself and or I love myself.
And that's just not how ithappens because we're forever
(01:17):
changing and, and thingsare going in, you know, a
million different directionsand we don't know what the
next day is gonna bring.
So how can we confidentlyget to this place?
Christina Spinazola (01:27):
And it's interesting with that, like,
I'll be really honest with it.
One of the ways that I've kindof seen that more deeply for
myself is by judging otherpeople who, like I've watched,
like, you know, whether it'sonline or just sharing with
me in, in real time, you know,they'll judge a past version of
themselves of like, you know,well now I figured it out.
(01:49):
That version of me didn'thave it figured out,
but this one's got it.
I'm like, yeah, there's probablya version of you like two weeks
down the road, two months downthe road, two years down the
road, two decades down the road.
Right.
That's laughing at your currentunderstanding of the world.
Like it does.
It just continuously evolvesand I don't necessarily,
I fall into the trap too.
I'm not perfect, but remindingmyself like, there's not
(02:11):
a place to get to wherethings are magically better.
Like for me, the the fun,the more fun question is
how can I enjoy this more?
Whatever this in mylife seems to look like.
Julia Salvia (02:22):
Yeah, and I, I love that so much because
I think it's so incrediblyimportant to be like, okay,
I want to love myself more,not just love myself as
I am right this second.
It's like I wanna, I wannalove all of the different
versions of myself, who Iwas that two weeks ago when
I thought I knew everything.
(02:43):
The version of myself nowthat is maybe struggling a
little bit and maybe that.
That version of me five yearsago, that is, you know, just
still trying to figure out somethings or trying to figure out
who, who you are as a person.
Christina Spinazola (03:00):
Yeah.
And like that justdoesn't change.
Yeah.
Um, and actually, youknow, the relationship that
I'm in now is incredible.
I've been in relationshipsthat have been less incredible
and I've actually noticeda, like a fear pop up, like
mm-hmm.
I am boththe same me that I've always
been and I'm so different.
Yeah, like, right, like theessence of you is the same
(03:23):
but also distinctly different.
Where I'm like, ohman, I can see so many
different relationships,so many different, even
friendships, right?
Like as people evolve,relationships evolve.
Mm-hmm.
And with my fiance Chris,we get married in November.
Um, we actually have anagreement, like we've put
language to it for eachother to say like, we agree
to love this and all futureversions of each other.
(03:44):
Like, we're both gonna evolvein so many different ways.
Yeah.
And like, just like be presentto like, whatever that looks
like and kind of joyfullychoose, you know, to care
about those versions too.
'cause who knows where thislife is gonna bring us.
Julia Salvia (03:58):
Yeah.
And we don't even know who weare gonna be tomorrow or five
minutes from now, or the lifethat we are going to be living.
Like you, like you said,like two weeks from now,
we, we don't actually know.
It's about committing toloving ourselves through
whatever that might be
Christina Spinazola (04:16):
completely.
And you know, some thingsfeel easier than others.
Yep.
While also knowing likethat kind of feels like the
cool growth edge though.
Like, all right, can Ilove myself even when
things are really hard?
Yeah.
Julia Salvia (04:37):
Hi guys.
Welcome back to theSelf-Love Archives podcast.
I am yourself, love BessieJulia, and I am here with
a really special guest.
This is Christina.
I'm, Christina is a lifecoach and I cannot wait to.
Pick your brain today and learnabout how you got to where you
(04:58):
are through self-love and yourjourney in helping others with
their own journeys as well.
That's such a, that, that issuch an incredible thing to have
kind of like in the palms ofyour hand and a such an amazing
thing to help people in climbingtheir own mountains essentially.
(05:19):
Tell me a little bit about that.
Christina Spinazola (05:21):
Yeah, thanks for having me.
I'm excited for the conversationand again, I, you'll hear me say
this probably a couple times.
I don't proclaim to have arrivedor have made it or have all
the secrets or the answers.
All I know is what's kindof worked for me and that I
wouldn't say that it wouldnecessarily work for somebody
else, but I think just likethe, the ongoing inquiry and
exploration into like, okay,you know, I could spend my whole
(05:45):
life aiding myself and a lot ofpeople kind of take that option.
But instead to like activelyand intentionally kind of
create a different relationshipwith yourself because when you
stop and think about it, likethis is the life you have,
this is the body that youhave, this is like, it's you.
You might as well learn tolove it because the other
(06:06):
option just seems so dark.
Julia Salvia (06:10):
Yeah.
Really though, I, I, oh
Christina Spinazola (06:14):
yeah.
There are so many people thatI think really, you know, it.
They fight against itand struggle with it.
And again, I'm, I have inmy own way, but to be like,
yeah, I'm gonna always lookfor different ways to, to
bring more light into therelationship with myself.
And I've seen it too.
I'd be curious yourexperience with this.
I've seen that every time I havefound some ways to like, deepen
(06:34):
my relationship with myself,how gentle I am with myself,
how kind I am with myself, um,you know, how much magic or
brilliance I see in myself.
Like I can also see moreof that in other people.
Way more understanding,way more kind.
Way more patient.
Um, that it definitelygoes back and forth.
And I also see that when peopleare really kind to me, when
(06:56):
people are really loving to me,like it's this just positive
feedback cycle of like, theyteach me how to love me.
I'm more patient with them.
Like everybodyjust wins together.
Julia Salvia (07:07):
I completely see that and, and
completely agree too.
I think as I startedhealing myself.
And started coming tothis place of loving who I
actually am, not who I amtrying to be for the world.
It, it really changed myperspective on other people.
It's as simply as thismorning I definitely did
(07:31):
a little illegal K turnin the middle of the road.
I knew I should have done it,but it's just the quicker way
to get, get home rather thantaking like 5,000 turns around
and, and going the other way.
And I had more thanenough space, more than
enough room to do this.
And there was an older womanthat got excruciating, like
excruciatingly mad at me,like through her window.
(07:53):
She was like, oh my God.
Like, and I just waved ather and I said, thank you.
And in that moment right there,I feel like we, we definitely
have our, our bad days.
There are bad days wherethat, you know, I'm giving
her the finger back orsomething like that.
But.
I think most days I'm seeingthat more, whether I'm the
(08:16):
other, I'm the woman in the car,you know, when someone just cut
me off or I'm the person doingthe illegal K turn in the middle
of the road, I'm, I notice thatI have a lot more patience and
my first thought is like, oh,this person has somewhere to go.
This person has somethingthat they need to do.
If this person is makinga K turn in the middle,
(08:36):
in the middle of the roadbecause it's easier for
her to get home that way.
And I think in findingthat kindness for yourself,
you can find that kindnessfor other people and think
whatever they're feelingand whatever's going on
isn't actually towards you.
It's more about what'sgoing on in their, in their
(08:57):
own lives, whether they'rebeing kind or unkind to you.
Christina Spinazola (09:02):
I love that you're bringing
this in so early.
I mean, I think one of myfavorite things has been
really seeing that for me,like even when I'm being
angry about something.
Mm-hmm.
Has nothing to do with what'shappening out there.
Right.
Like that's just me being angry.
Yep.
Like this woman, I similar toyou, I remember probably
two winters ago, it wasdark here in New England.
(09:24):
I was going for a walk.
I go for a lot of walks torespond to client messages
and just that sort of thing.
And I walked across the street.
Don't get me wrong.
I was wearing like blackleggings and a black puffy
jacket, like with white shoesand someone I ran across
the road really short, acar drove by and was pissed,
like rolled down the windowlike I almost hit you.
(09:45):
Like that was so dangerous.
And I was like, okay.
One, you didn't two.
Yeah, I probably shouldhave had some colors on or
like some sort of thing.
But it just highlighted tome like there are a lot of
people that are just angry.
And they're always looking for areason or an excuse to be angry.
And it has, like, it'snot personal, right?
So when you can kind ofdepersonalize that, you kind
(10:06):
of almost feel, uh, wildlyempowered, like, cool, the
way people engage with me.
This is not like anintellectual understanding.
Like it really has more todo with what's going on in
their world, and you can becurious and patient about it.
To your point, we allhave moments, right?
That aren't our best, butmm-hmm.
I get tosee that other people have a
lot to do with them, and myreactions are, they're all
(10:29):
me, whether I like 'em or not.
Julia Salvia (10:31):
Yeah.
And I, I think that if wewere to fall into feeling
what other people are feelingaround us, especially in
those more uncomfortableemotions like anger or sadness.
If we fall into the, the trap,so to speak, to feel what
(10:52):
other people are feeling.
'cause there's a differencebetween like, almost like
giving in versus havingempathy for someone.
And I feel like the empathypart of it is the actual
healing of ourselves.
Having empathy and understandingfor, um, you know, this,
this idea that whatever thisperson is feeling, especially
those uncomfortable emotionsis all them versus, you know,
(11:15):
falling into the trap of this.
Of, you know, getting angrybecause they got angry at us or
being sad because they're alsosad and there's such a strength
in recognizing that too, andknowing that that's them.
That's not me in this moment.
That's them.
Christina Spinazola (11:37):
One of the biggest learnings that I
had with Chris at the beginningof our relationship was.
It.
Chris is like a gentle giant.
Like he's not an angryperson by any means.
Yeah.
But he's human.
He would getfrustrated with things.
He would get irritated.
He would get angry at attimes, and like I would be so
reactionary to his emotion.
Mm-hmm.
Like Iam not super proud to say it,
(12:00):
but it'd be like, you know,no, like, don't be that.
Whereas when I could justlet him be angry for a
minute or like let him befrustrated, it didn't impact
me nearly as much like I won.
But when he was frustratedand I was frustrated that he
was frustrated, one, I'm doingthe same thing, and two, my
experience is a whole lot worse.
So yeah, learning to letpeople just be with whatever
(12:22):
shows up for them, literallyit feels like a superpower.
Julia Salvia (12:26):
Yeah, I am definitely in the midst
of learning that too.
Um, I, I think, I think wethink we are supposed to go into
relationships completely healed.
Or like loving ourselves.
We need to go into arelationship when like our
cup is filled or when we loveourselves, like when we get
to that imaginary point atthe top of the mountain that
doesn't exist, we're we think,okay, we're healed, we're good.
(12:48):
We can go into a relationship,but it almost doesn't, it
does not matter how healedyou think you are or how much
self-love you have for yourself.
That relationship, whetherit be a friendship, a you
know, one-on-one relationship.
Bringing a child into thisworld, whatever relationship
it might be that you decideto go into, um, or be a part
(13:09):
of that is going to touchat every single trigger that
you might possibly have.
Because now here you are andyou're changing things up
kind of to the point of like,you're never gonna get to that,
you know, that mountaintop,so to speak, that that end.
Because it's forever changing.
(13:29):
You're adding things in thatare almost just making the, I
don't like to visualize it asa path, but you're almost like
adding things in that make thepath longer if you don't just
enjoy like where you are and seewhat's around you and see it as
a circle, not this long line.
Right.
So back to what youwere saying, like if
there's any emotion that.
(13:51):
My boyfriend likes toput out there or like
it really, he feels I amlike a, I'm the sad girl.
He's like the angry guy andhe's the kindest person ever,
like has the kindest heart andthat's what really matters.
But he gets angry at things.
I wouldn't imaginebeing angry at.
(14:13):
And it makes, and I noticea lot that it makes me
angry and I'm like, okay,we need to step back.
Like, I'm not actually angry.
I'm just angry that you areangry and I need to let you
feel your emotions becauseyou're allowed to be angry.
You're allowed to feelall the things that you
want to feel, but it doesnot have an effect on me.
And he's not, you know, he'snot projecting it on me.
(14:33):
He's just angry.
And then I'm just in the way.
Christina Spinazola (14:36):
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's so interestingto your point, like.
Relationships are themost fertile soil for
growing because they put aspotlight on all your stuff.
Doesn't matter like howmuch work you've done it.
Yep.
It is there and therefor your taking.
Julia Salvia (14:52):
Yeah, and I think when we can lean into
that, that's, that's wherelike, that's super power
comes from where we feel somuch stronger, not just in
our relationship, but withourselves as well, because
we have the self-awarenessto recognize those things.
Christina Spinazola (15:08):
Yeah.
Like when people, youknow, lash out or have a
moment like, I do that too.
Julia Salvia (15:12):
Yeah.
So
Chris (15:13):
like, okay, you're human.
Like I've got a lotof space for that.
Julia Salvia (15:17):
Mm-hmm.
How do you hold space foryourself, your clients, your
fiance, when maybe realitydoesn't look so motivated
or productive or happy?
Christina Spinazola (15:32):
Oh, that's a cool question and one that
I feel like I've recently.
Had like some understandingand perspective shift on
when I first startedcoaching, I would be lying
if I didn't say that.
I put pressure on myselfto like be the solution.
Right.
Have people figure it out.
If they come in as a challenge,they leave with an answer.
(15:53):
Yeah.
And you know, the more Ihave seen and I've been
through some, am I allowedto swear on this podcast?
Like I've been throughsome shit, go right ahead.
Like, you know.
Some of the lowest moments forme, some of the most challenging
things that like, you know,I probably wouldn't raise
my hand or like voluntarilysign up to experience.
I can also see how much Igrew through those things.
(16:16):
Granted, that was choiceful,like I took it on as an
opportunity to be like, okay,what can I learn from this?
But in those moments,for me, when I can see
everything that is in my lifenow, that was part of it.
Yeah, I wouldn'tnecessarily give it up.
For example, I found coaching,I had back surgery in 2019 after
(16:36):
a year of back pain in 2018.
I hurt my back then, andyou know, if you paid me
to go back through like thephysical and emotional anguish
of like that injury, likeI wouldn't be interested.
But I found coachingthrough it, which I now do
full-time and professionally,and I love this field.
Yeah, I wouldn't haveknown it existed.
So when people show upand there's something
(16:57):
going on for them.
Sometimes it's like a reallysimple thing and asking
like, Hey, what's mosthelpful for you right now?
And sometimes they don't know.
And then I have to do mybest and I have to be okay
with getting it wrong, right?
If I do get it wrong.
But it's also just seeing,you know, if I have a client
who's in a really tough spotand I work with people and
they, they're really openwith me about what's going
(17:17):
on, I also don't worry thatthey shouldn't be there.
Mm-hmm.
Or I'mlike, that's part of their
process right now and I get towalk through that with them too.
So I think it's really notjust, you know, intellectually
thinking that it's okay, butI've seen and lived for myself.
Even those moments.
(17:38):
They're where I was supposedto be in that moment.
And so when that shows up forsomebody else, I can invite
them into something different.
And if that's where they are,I really kind of believe that
that's where they're supposedto be at the same time.
Julia Salvia (17:52):
Yeah.
'cause it's such an interestingparadox to look at something
that may have been astruggle and really, really
tough moment in our lives.
And then to see why maybe like,it, it really kind of depends
on how you, how you view itin, in the universe of things.
(18:14):
Yeah.
But really to see why youwent through that thing to get
to this that you're in now.
And how all of the thingsare like interconnected and
intertwined with each other, andhow you might not be coaching
if you did go through backsurgery or this person might
not be, you know, with theirdream partner because if, if
(18:40):
they didn't go through thisand it's, you could play like a
cause and effect kind of thingwith yourself and it's just.
It's such an interesting paradoxto look at something that may
have been one of the toughestchallenges in your life, but
then see how it brought youto what you might be doing or
(19:01):
what, what and who you are now.
Christina Spinazola (19:04):
Yep.
I mean, I, I've hit the,the burnout space where I
got to learn a lot aboutmy nervous system, right?
A lot about capacity.
Again, really hard.
I had ended a, a really longterm relationship in my life.
And I joke with people, oneof the reasons I'm so good at
relationship now is because I'vebeen so bad at it in the past.
I, I know all the thingsto not do that create
(19:27):
challenges in relationship.
Like again, not proud ofthose things, but when
you can see that likeit's all just learning.
You get to learn from it,you get to apply it while
also, I think this is alsoreally important, both as a
coach and as a human being.
Sometimes someone's sharingsomething with you and
they're just like in it.
Mm-hmm.
And the last thing that theywant to hear is like, oh, well,
(19:49):
what could be the silver lining?
Right?
Like, oh, mm-hmm.
Like, it's not justpositive thinking.
And there are things thathappen where again, it's
like, I, I kind of wish thathadn't happened, but it did.
So I can't tell you the systemor the filter for like, when I
just am with somebody in theirpain and when I'm inviting them
into like something different.
It's kind of just like anintuitive thing for me.
(20:10):
Like a high level ofdiscernment, how open I
think they are, you know,all those different pieces.
But it's the same with me.
Like I have to be willing tobe okay with what's showing
up in the moment whilealso knowing like there's
always something else that'sdifferent and available to us.
Julia Salvia (20:26):
That was one of the main things I took away
from, you know, after my dad hadpassed away, I just, everyone
was like, it's gonna be okay.
I'm like, shut up.
Yeah.
Like I'mfully irrevocably aware.
Especially going ev everythingthat I've, you know, been
through, gone through, orthat we've been through, gone
through in life, I think weall know it's going to be okay.
(20:49):
And I hope that we all knowthat it's going to be okay.
But the last thing that we wannahear when we're in the thick
of it, when we're deep in thathole that we need to climb out
of, Hey, it's gonna be okay.
Like, no, that is theworst thing that you
can say to someone.
It's, I almost thinkit's better to say.
You know what you'redoing for your clients,
which is just saying Hi,like, I'm here for you.
(21:12):
I'm here to support you inwhatever way you need, and
here is some space that Ican hold for you in whatever
you're going through right now.
Christina Spinazola (21:22):
I'll never forget talking with my mom.
My mom went through breastcancer treatment, um, years ago.
She's great now, and Iremember she told me she was
talking with a neighbor justabout what was going on.
She didn't shareopenly and widely.
And our neighbor just kindof looked at her and said
like, wow, that really sucks.
She was like, it was myfavorite response that I got
through the entire process.
(21:42):
Not like, wow, you're so strong.
Like you can do it.
You'll get through it.
Mm-hmm.
Not like any of that.
Just like, yeah, that sucks.
And it depends onthe person, right?
It depends on thecircumstance of, it
depends on so many things.
So being able to kind ofhold both of those things
kind of in that paradoxicalnature that you were talking
about feels really important.
Julia Salvia (22:00):
Mm-hmm.
It's, it's actually kind oflike the dark humor of these,
you know, maybe shitty thingsthat we're going through.
There's a special kindof person that you can
actually say dark humor too,about their own traumas.
And I, I love dark humor.
I think my dad would be dyinglaughing at some of the things
(22:21):
that happen and that are said.
Um, but I, I think it'sactually even more funny.
And then someone saying darkhumor back to me, like about
my dad, about the situation.
I, I think it's actually evenmore funny when someone gets
uncomfortable from hearing it.
I'm like, it's really fine.
Like,
Christina Spinazola (22:43):
and that's, this is where it
feels like know your audience.
It's a really important piece.
Julia Salvia (22:47):
Yes.
Know your audience.
The discernment in this, in thiscase is definitely something
that needs to be built.
Christina Spinazola (22:54):
Okay, so this is actually interesting.
I'd love to like kind ofriff on that a little bit.
Um, yeah, like there's somany times in life where
again, maybe you think thatsomeone's like open to it or
ready for it and you say itand they're just not like it.
It lands so wrong.
Mm-hmm.
I think for me, I have builtso much compassion for
myself and like I'm goingto get things wrong in life.
(23:19):
Yes.
I'm gonna say the wrong thing.
People are gonna be pissed,they're gonna be upset,
they're gonna be unhappy.
And I have no idea howit's gonna land until
sometimes it's out.
So like, kind of like testingthe waters and like almost
risking it in communication,right?
Like can feel super scary.
And I think a lot of peoplebecause of that, try to keep
(23:39):
it super safe all the time.
Yeah.
And this is something thatI'm still like learning and
working on all the time, butif you can be kind and gentle
with yourself that like, man,I really was doing my best.
Like, my intention wasnot to hurt that person.
They took it in a waythat wasn't the way that I
intended it to be received.
That stuff happens andI share it because like
(24:01):
I just, I give myself somuch grace when it happens.
I don't love it.
I still have that like gutpunch moment of like, oh shit.
Yeah, and you know,you make it right.
You just keep going.
Julia Salvia (24:12):
I mean, you're human and we're all gonna make
mistakes one way or another.
Say the wrong thing oneway or another, and at the
end of the day, we're notgonna relate to everything.
That someone is feelingor that someone is saying.
I think that, you know, ifI think that at the base, at
the foundation of that, um,mistake or that thing that you
(24:35):
wanted to communicate and say,as long as like we know that
we, it's coming from a placeof kindness and not malice.
That's what matters.
And that, I think is thestrength that allows us to get
through the, like the un thelike discomfort of like, oh
fuck, I said the wrong thing.
Christina Spinazola (24:53):
Totally like it's gonna happen.
And the more I can beokay with that, right?
So for example, likeas a coach, I am human.
I will make mistakes.
I will get it wrong.
So if a, if I get it wrongwith a client, right?
Something doesn't land orthey're upset or whatever it
may be one, I'm always willingto look at my side of that
to be like, okay, mm-hmm.
Where's the ownershipthat I can pull into that?
(25:14):
And I always ask clients to likelook at the ownership of where
they can own some stuff too.
Like we get to bothlearn together.
But if I have someone in mylife who doesn't let me get
it wrong, the other thingthat I know about them is
that they also don't letthemselves get it wrong.
Yeah.
Because if you, like I said, Ilet myself get it wrong.
So when other peopleget it wrong, I'm like,
yeah, that happens.
(25:34):
Right.
It made sense at the time.
It, for example, likeagain, sharing about some
of my own transformation,so I was a vegetarian for
probably four or five years.
Mm-hmm.
And whenI lived with my ex and I was in
that phase of my life, uh, like.
I wouldn't even buy himmeat or cook it for him,
(25:55):
like none of that stuff.
And it made so muchsense to me at the time.
Yeah.
Like that way of thinking.
It just naturally like,no, why would I do that?
And when now I doeat meat again.
Uh, thank God missedbacon, but like.
In this process, Julia, like nowin the morning, you know, I'll
be out for a run and Chris willbe coming home from Juujitsu or
(26:17):
something, and I will literallyrun faster to be able to come
home and make him breakfastbefore he has to go to work like
that never would've, it wouldn'thave made sense to me before.
I would've heard other peopledoing something like that
and I would've judged them.
Mm-hmm.
Like, and now I'm like, okay,now that makes sense to me.
So I think just giving yourselfthe space, like for your
(26:37):
perspective to evolve for likeyou as a person to evolve.
Yeah.
Uh, it will always do that.
Julia Salvia (26:44):
You usually see this on social media where
someone like makes a pointto say that they don't like
something and then they liketake it back publicly for
everyone to see and be like,no, I actually do like that.
And then everyone'sin the comments.
Hating on it and be like, yousaid you didn't like that.
And I, I look at this andI'm like, do people not
(27:07):
understand that we are notalways going to be the exact
same person and that maybe Ididn't like olives five minutes
ago and now, you know what?
Now I like olivesand it's all fine.
Christin (27:19):
And to me, this is the beautiful thing, right?
Like when I can change mymind, I'm really okay with
people changing their mind.
But if, mm-hmm I'm threatenedby changing course or
doing something different.
Somebody else doing that,I'm also gonna judge.
Right.
Like I shared with you, likeI, I noticed for me how much
I thought there was a place toarrive and I learned about that
because I was judging otherpeople who were like putting
(27:40):
that out on social media.
Mm-hmm.
I was like, oh wait, I'm judgingthem because they think
there's a place to arrive.
And that's because I'vealso thought that like, you
get to learn a lot when youstart paying attention to the
stuff that goes on up there.
Julia Salvia (27:54):
Yeah.
When you become so self-awareof what goes on in your brain.
Day to day.
It's so interesting.
I think the past two dayshave been, I've, I've actually
had a lot of like anger comeup for no reason, and I'm
like, and every part of me,maybe it's the luteal phase.
I'm in my luteal phase.
Yeah.
Maybe it's that, maybe it's the,because my period's coming, but.
(28:19):
All I wanna do is just godownstairs and like, pick a
fight with my boyfriend forno reason, no reason at all.
But instead of doing that,I'm like, and even if I do
decide to do that, I want tobe self-aware and reflect and
be like, okay, what's actuallyhappening, happening here?
Are you overwhelmed?
Are you stressed?
Is there something, you knowgoing on that we can, you know,
(28:40):
give that, that, that that'sactually fueling this anger?
Because you're not actuallylike angry at him for anything.
Like, why do you wanna gopick a fight that's not gonna
benefit you in any sort of way?
So there's this strength in,in finding that self-awareness,
um, not just like with our,with ourselves and healing
ourselves, but I think withhaving that self-awareness
(29:02):
of how our, you know, what'saround us, affects us as well.
Christina Spinazola (29:07):
And what's really kind of fun with that.
I have a sign back here, Idon't know if you can see it
in the video, it says, create.
Um, I'm all about kind oflike creating with whatever
shows up in the moment.
Yeah.
And there's awoman, I love that.
There's a woman that I followon Instagram who's been a,
someone that's kind of, I'vewatched her revolution as like
a, a coach as a practitioner.
Mm-hmm.
Her name is Madeline Moon.
And one of the things thatshe brings in is like a lot of
(29:29):
creativity to relationships.
Right.
Like when you're self-awareof, to catch yourself being
like, I wanna pick a fight.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
So like, instead of godoing it and doing it
seriously, like is there away to make that playful.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
To haveenough self-awareness, right.
To go to your partner andbe like, I just want you to
know that I'm angry todayfor no reason and I'm ready
to fight about whateveryou'd like to fight about.
(29:50):
Right?
Like, pick your battleand let's go to town.
Like, yeah, that, that'screativity, right?
That's like turning likethis weird stuff that just
shows up in your mind intosomething that's like fun
and lighthearted, and it canactually be like more connecting
than driving some wedge thatdoesn't need to be there.
Julia Salvia (30:08):
And that's usually what they say in
relationships too, like just.
To, you know, if you're in themiddle of like a fight, which
I do sometimes, and I sometimesfeel like a, a genuine, crazy
person, but we'll, uh, we'llbe in like heated argument
or, you know, something willlike be going on and I'll
just like a light switch.
We'll, can I have a hug?
(30:33):
But I think that shiftis, is really powerful
and gets you, um, to, likeyou said, connect more.
Christina Spinazola (30:39):
Self-love, even for me is a lot about
just being connected to you.
Like, am I aware of what I need?
And sometimes I think that'sthe hardest thing when like,
I don't know what I need.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Because that's where you kindof set people up for failure
who are trying to support you.
It's like no matter whatthey do, like they might
not be able to get it right.
'cause you have no clue.
So finding ways to be like,okay, what do I do with that?
Julia Salvia (31:05):
It's like a learning process too, because
how do, how are you gonna figureout what you need if you don't
try to figure out what you need?
Christina Spinazola (31:13):
Yeah.
Even for me, there was a coupleweeks ago, you know, so much of
my day is given to being presentand listening to other people.
And like I said, I love that.
I think I have the coolestjob in the whole world.
And there's moments where I'veasked Chris, like, Hey, if you
notice that I'm like distractedor I'm just kinda like stuck
in my head, like just bringme back to the present moment.
(31:34):
Mm-hmm.
And a couple weeks ago,I had a really busy week.
My schedule's a little bittighter than usual this summer.
And you know, it was anevening and Chris was like,
Hey, you feel a littledistracted, like, can you,
do you wanna join me here?
And in an instant, he had donethe thing I had asked him to do.
Mm-hmm.
And I was pretty pissed off.
And I was
Julia Salvia (31:54):
like,
Christina Spinazola (31:54):
okay,
Julia Salvia (31:56):
that's not the direction I
thought you were gonna go
Christina Spinazola (31:58):
in.
Right.
Like, he had doneexactly what I had asked.
And then I was like, okay,so why am I so pissed?
And in an instant,Julia, I saw like what?
I wasn't distracted in my head.
I was actually, the firsttime in a while I had had a
free minute to myself to thinkabout what had to be done in
my own world, like in my life.
So it felt like one other personthat needed something from me.
(32:21):
And I literally toldhim, and again, this is a
little bit of like mentalgymnastics, but stay with me.
I was like in naturally.
The thing he hates more thananything in the world is
like when he gets it wrong.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Like he feels bad.
He is not trying to,he was trying to help.
Yeah.
And I told him, I said, Chris,like, I also need you to
hear, it took me a minute.
(32:42):
I was like, I also needyou to hear, I see that
you were trying to help.
Right.
You did exactly whatI've asked you to do.
And that usually helps.
It's like, and in some wayit was helpful because it
wasn't until you asked meto do this that I realized
I actually needed that.
So like by you getting it wrong,I got to learn what I needed.
And what I needed was actuallytime to think about the things
(33:02):
that had to be done in my world.
Right.
So to like be able todance with that of like,
no, that was helpful.
Not in the way I washoping it would be, but it
highlighted to me exactlywhat I needed in that moment.
Uh, where it is like youget to learn about what you
need as you go and then likepull it with you forward.
Julia Salvia (33:18):
Yeah.
I love that.
I, it's funny, I had a similar.
A similar thinghappened recently.
My, um, my boyfriend asked meif I needed help or if there's
any way that he could helpwith, you know, all these huge
projects that I'm working on.
And, um, I kind of shut himdown immediately and said no.
And, uh, when I was on a,on a walk a little bit, you
know, after I thought aboutit and I was like, I don't
(33:41):
need physical help rightnow, but I need support.
Yeah.
And I shared that with herand I was like, I just need,
you know, you to support me.
And maybe help me more.
So, um, like organize mythoughts or like, let me
just talk like, you don'tneed to fix anything.
Like, let me just say myschedule out loud and let,
(34:04):
let me have you listen.
Rather than me going to likevoice note it to chat GBT.
So he came to me, the, uh, wewere on a walk together and
we, I'm, I'm spewing absolutelyall this information at him.
And he goes to one thingthat like, I, I do not want
(34:26):
to hear, it's the last thingI want to hear right now.
But he was doing it from aplace of support and I ended
up, you know, fault on me, likeripping him a new asshole and
he was just trying to help.
But what he said, he's like,you don't have a lot of time.
And I wanted to screamand be like, I know.
(34:49):
Or he'll say things like,you need to get on that.
And I'm like, I amso, or like, you don't
have a lot of time.
And I think in those, in thosemoments, he's just trying to be
supportive and keep me aware.
But I am, you know, comingfrom a place of like in my
(35:11):
head, listing out everything,doing more than what one human
could possibly actually do.
Um, and he's just kind of thereto bring me back to reality
and be like, that's a lot.
Christina Spinazola (35:25):
And I feel like this episode now
needs to be dedicated to thepartners that just let us talk.
Like it is the most supportivething where it's like, I could
probably talk to a wall andget the same benefit, but
having like my person theresomehow makes it better.
Julia Salvia (35:39):
They can like reflect.
They have a physicalpresence there.
Christina Spinazol (35:42):
Yeah, it is.
But those are themoments that are like.
Because it confronts youwith parts of yourself
when that happens.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Like, oh, I just freaked outat someone who's trying to
help and like I could seetheir heart in it and like
that just wasn't helpful.
Yeah.
It, it takesa lot to be able to like, go
for a walk and like own thatthough, and be like, okay, yeah.
That wasn't my best.
(36:03):
Let's try again.
Julia Salvia (36:05):
Yep.
To have like just someone thatcould hold that space for you,
like you said, like having you.
There to hold space for theclients that you do have or
having, um, you know, yourfiance there to hold space
for you and vice versa.
And us all just holdingspace for other people
where there's no fixing,there's no questioning.
(36:27):
It's just, Hey,here's some space.
It's like, Hey, here'sa blank piece of paper.
Go at it.
It's my blank, blankpiece of paper.
But you can have it andyou can write all over it.
Christina Spinazola (36:37):
Yeah.
And I wanna kind of bringin something that we
had talked about before.
Like when you're holdingspace for people, kind
of what that means.
And for me it's just kindalike loving people and at the
same time it's bidirectional.
Like you hear this thing like,you can only love other people
as deeply as you love yourself.
And I do believe that.
'cause I see, again, the moreI see in myself, the more
(36:58):
I can see in other people.
And every time that I've beenstruggling and a coach has seen
the best in me and continuedto help me and remind me of who
I am like by being loved, likethat helps me to better love.
Both me and other people,so like, I don't think it's
necessarily exclusivelyone or the other.
I think both of those thingsdance together at like different
(37:18):
stages of life and just yeah,all kind of work together to
be like, can we just bring morelove into the world period.
Like more kindness,more understanding,
better ability to haveconversations and communicate.
That's, that's to mewhat it's all about.
Julia Salvia (37:32):
Yeah.
I love that so much.
Is, is there something that youwish people would know more?
Christi (37:41):
That's a huge question.
Julia Salvia (37:44):
I'm sure it's a load, a loaded question.
You could think of a millionthings, but what might be
the first thing that comesto your mind when you think
about something that, um,maybe you come across a
lot that you're like, ah,I just wish you knew this.
Christina Spinazola (37:57):
Yeah.
I really wish people understoodthat their experience,
we kind of touched on itin different ways today.
Like it's generated by you.
Yeah.
And a lot of times it feelslike it's generated by
the stuff outside of you.
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Like when Chris doesn't helpin the exact way, that would be
helpful for me in the moment.
Like, it's up to me tocreate that experience as
(38:19):
no, but he was still helpfulbecause he highlighted to
me what I actually neededby giving me what I didn't.
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Like the, the ownershipand the responsibility
of that to be on you.
Uh, yeah.
I mean, you can really startto see and understand that
your mind is the thing thatcreates your experience.
You have a lot more impact andinfluence and responsibility
(38:41):
over what you wanna do withthat, um, than if you didn't
really deeply understand that.
Julia Salvia (38:47):
I love that.
What's a tool that you wishthat the people had more of or
a single tool that they knew of?
Christina Spinazola (38:56):
It's interesting because I feel
like the tool that I talkabout the most point to, right?
It's not like a physical, here'sa worksheet, go do a worksheet.
Um.
But it's understandingyour mind, right?
Like when a lot of peopleI see kind of get into this
space where like, you know, Ihate my mind like, you know,
it's always chirping, it'salways saying things, but when
(39:18):
you can shift from, you know,being frustrated with like the
internal talk and the dialoguethat's running all the time
mm-hmm.
To gettingcurious about it, like actually
seeking to understand it.
To me, like that process willjust provide insight that like,
just again, shifts you from.
Not eating meat and not evenwilling to, to entertain
(39:40):
something different, to like,Hey, I, I bet I could run home
early to cook crisp breakfast.
Like, it, it starts just makingyou a kinder and gentler person.
Julia Salvia (39:49):
So it's more understanding the tool,
like the tool of our minds.
Christina Spinazola (39:55):
Yeah.
It's like a, a user manualand, and most people
don't read it, right?
Like it is the most powerfulthing, the most powerful tool
that any of us have access to.
It seizes our mind to, to betterunderstand our experience and
how that impacts our experience.
And I'm fascinated by it.
I love talking with peopleabout it, and I don't claim to
have, again, all the answers,I'm deepening my understanding
(40:17):
and my knowledge around itall the time, but to, to give
people the plant, the seed thatthe more you can understand
yourself and your mind andwhat it's doing and that it's
whatever it's doing is normal.
Mm-hmm.
I think one of the thingsI love about podcasts,
even like this one, is.
To be able to have peopleshare their stories, to
normalize this stuff.
Like I'm an exceptionalcoach, I'm an exceptional
(40:40):
human being, and sometimesI freak out at my partner.
Like, that stuffhappens and that's okay.
Julia Salvia (40:48):
Yeah.
Oh, I love that so much.
Thank you for, for that.
That's wonderful.
I'm definitely gonna takethat with me and maybe read a
couple more manuals to my mind.
Yeah.
So to close out, I alwayslike to have everyone,
um, answer a question frommy upcoming card deck.
(41:11):
So I'm launching a card deckcalled Love Yourself More.
And this is really specialbecause I actually just
got the physical box.
Congratulations for it.
Thank you.
Um, so rather than me, you know,going on my iPad and finding
a question for you, I canactually flip through the cards.
So this is really fun.
(41:32):
But basically the Love Yourselfmore card deck is about
going deeper with yourself.
And I, I love the way, theway to play it essentially
is to ask yourself if youwanna go deep, deeper, or
deepest with yourself today,you would choose a category.
So I'm gonna have you choose acategory and then we're going
to, um, just pick a number andI'm gonna count to that card.
(41:56):
There's 33 cardsin each category.
Um, so.
Christina, would you like to godeep, deeper, or deepest today?
Christina Spinazola (42:04):
I love being extremist, so
we're gonna go deepest.
Julia Salvia (42:06):
Oh, I love it.
And give me a numberone through 33.
Christina Spinazola (42:14):
27, 27.
Julia Salvia (42:17):
This is actually really interesting question.
Um, there's about one questionin each section that is
very rhetorical rather thanmore of a direct question.
So.
Okay.
From the deepest category.
The question is, do you actuallyknow the answer, but you're
(42:37):
not ready to accept it yet?
Christina Spinazola (42:40):
Okay.
I love this question, and Iwould say actually probably
for the first time in probablymy life, I feel like I have
a knowingness to a lot of thequestions that are showing
up, and I have been withsome really big questions at
different stages of my life.
Um, from, you know, endinga long-term relationship.
(43:01):
We were together for morethan seven and a half years.
And that, like, had Ipulled that card then Yeah.
Like, I, I would've beenclear on like Mm. Yeah.
Not ready.
Yep.
But I leftmy corporate job, same thing.
And you know, I share often now,like for me, that's always been
present around relationships.
(43:23):
Mm-hmm.
And if anything.
Like, there's,there's nothing there.
For me, it's just like, no.
The couple of really largedecisions that I've made in
the last say a year or so,feel really grounded in,
so it's actually a reallycool reflection point to
see how often the answerto that would've been like,
yeah, I'm not ready toaccept the answer for this.
Mm-hmm.
And how right now I'm actuallyin a spot where I'm like, I
(43:44):
actually, I know the answer.
I accept the answer,and I love the answer.
Julia Salvia (43:49):
I love that.
I love that so much.
That's, that's exactly how.
This question works and howa lot of the questions in
the deck work, it's reallyto not confuse you, but allow
you to question yourself.
Because when we can't find theanswer or a deep enough answer,
the goal is to continue to askyourself why, until you really
(44:12):
get a better understanding ofyour genuine, deepest truth for
your response to the question.
Thank you so much for beinghere and playing my card
deck with me and for justsharing your insights on
not just being a life coach,but just being a human.
Christ (44:33):
Thank you for having me.
Thank you for giving mesome space to also be human.
Um, and I guess the last thingthat I'll share is, you know,
anybody that is in this inquirywith you around what it looks
like to love themselves more,like they're on the right path.
Julia Salvia (44:48):
I love that so much.
And Christina, thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Before we end, pleasetell everybody where
they can find you.
What's the best place tofind you to book with you,
to listen to your podcast?
Christina Spinazola (45:00):
Yeah, so I have a podcast called
Walking Towards Fear,WTF, fun acronym there.
And you know I am onInstagram at Christina Spin.
I'm on Facebook,Christina Spinola.
I do a lot of sharing therejust a little bit longer
than Instagram captions.
Mm-hmm.
And I have a website justchristina spinola.com and
(45:20):
I share this quite often.
The way that I havebuilt my business and
continue to is throughconversations with people.
I'm always open toconversations, uh, you know,
not a fit for a coach foreverybody, and not everybody's
a fit for a client for me.
But if these are topics thatpeople are really asking
questions around and looking todeepen their understanding with
one of my favorite things to do.
So thank you for givingme this chance to share.
Julia Salvia (45:41):
Of course.
Thank you so much.
And thank you somuch for being here.
Christina (45:45):
Thanks for having me.
Of
Julia Salvia (45:46):
course.
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