the unofficial bride + bridesmaid rulebook with my best friend + future bride @angdepalma

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Julia Salvia (00:00):
My best friend is getting married this year.
Like this is the year,

Angela De Palma (00:05):
it's the year.
It's

the year it's happening.
And I am, uh, I'm,I'm far passing.
Congratulations withcongratulations.
Oh, thank you.
And it just gave me athought, there's so much
drama involved with weddings.

Oh, yeah.

So much that I felt like we needed to bring it
to the podcast because there'sjust so much drama and I really
think that we have to havethis large amount of self-love
for ourselves to one, getmarried to another human being.

Oh yes.
To

tie ourselves legally to another human being,
but to also deal with justthis huge change in our lives
that is really important to us.
But it might not be importantto some other people.
And I,

I think it's gonna be a great
conversation today.
I'm extremely excited and Ithink that as a bridesmaid,
I would also need to hearthis if I were on the other
side of the conversation.
Mm-hmm.
Because I've been bridesmaids.
I will be a bridesmaid.
So this is a good, agood starter combo to
get the ball rolling.
'cause I think it's areally taboo subject that

(01:15):
people don't talk about.

No.

Angela De Palm (01:17):
So I don't think

anybody set like the rules for
No, but that's what we're

here for.
Yeah,

that's exactly what we're here for.
We're here to set the standards,set the rules for how you should
be, like how things should go,what is the right way to do
things, um, and how to reallyput yourself at the center.
Because honestly, I'm gonnasay it probably more times
than I can count in thispodcast, in this episode, like.
Getting married is not aboutanything or anyone else

(01:44):
other than you and the personyou're getting married to.

Exactly.

And I think we've, over the past couple
of years, it's, it has gonefrom this thing that's a
really great event thatbrings together family
and friends to now it justbeing completely dramatized.

A complete social obligation Yes.
That everyone wants to run from.
Yes.
I hope I'm not alone in that.
I don't think so.
I don't wanna makepeople feel that way
about my wedding either.
Yeah.
Because I know what it's liketo be on the other side of that.
Mm-hmm.
And I don't wanna makepeople feel a certain
way about my wedding.
I want it to be fun.
Yeah.
But then I also want, I alsowant the things that brides

(02:22):
want, but I don't wanna giveobligations to people that.
Are going to burden them somuch so that they resent me
or being in the wedding, orof course get angry at me.
Like that's not what I'm,

yeah.
Trying to do.
You're just trying tomarry someone you love.
Yes.
Legally bind tosomeone you love.
Yes.
And have all of the people thatyou love surrounding you while
that happens and you hope thatthey also have a good time.
Absolutely.
Like it's really that simple.
Absolutely.
But we have some, uh uh, amI the assholes and just some

(02:55):
thoughts and opinions ofour own that really make a
wedding a lot more than whatwe, I think as simple as we
think a wedding should be.
Mm-hmm.

(03:15):
Welcome back to this Self-LoveArchives podcast, and
welcome to the New Space.
If you're watching on YouTube orwherever else, you're visually
seeing this, very proud of this.
It took quite sometime, so sorry.
No, it looks beautiful.
Thank you.
I'm proud of you and excited.
Thank you.
I am a maid of honor forthe first time, actually.

(03:36):
Um, for my best friend, this isan, you've probably have met her
before on our podcast episode,um, a couple of episodes back.
And as you've already heard,we're here to talk about all
things friends, all things,bridesmaids, maid of honors,
and really set the tone andthe vibe for what it should

(03:57):
be in 2025, because I thinkeverybody's got it twisted.
Yeah, I, I don't think peoplereally have any clue or any
idea of what the, I guesslike invisible book of like.
What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm

Angel (04:12):
thinking of the fairy God parents Dow rules book.
We need doting rules.

Doting rules, DA wedding rules.
We're here to tell youwhat DA wedding rules are.

I need to Photoshop like a the
Do rules book into Yes.
Opening it like this.

So first things first, what are your like
main concerns going into,actually even before we even
get to that, what did, didanyone in your family friends
circle anything you noticedchange when you got engaged?
Like, did anyone's attitudes,their vibe towards you?

(04:53):
Like, did anyone get like moremean or like get a little nicer
and you're like, huh, huh?

Yes.
And I, everyone told methat that would happen.
Mm-hmm.
And when it actually happened,I was still in shock.
There were, have definitelybeen some people in my
life that are mm-hmm.
A little bit moredistant from me.
Um, people that I've actuallyhad to end friendships with
because they couldn't understandthe caliber of my relationship

(05:21):
with my fiance, Matt.
Yeah.
And having to be a friendto someone, but a loyal
person in a relationship.
It was a very weirddynamic mm-hmm.
That I can get into anothertime, but having to end a
friendship over somethinglike that, and people
started, I don't know, justreally acting a little bit

(05:43):
like cautious, I guess, too.
Yeah.
And I'm like, oh, I, I don'twanna give anyone like,
burdens or anything, so Ifeel like some people wanna
be really, really involved.
Other people are liketaking a step back

from me.
Yeah.
It's almost like you'reseeing everyone's expectations
around you come out.

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.
Like the way, the waythat they're acting.
Is based on the expectationsthey do or do not want
you to have on them.

Mm-hmm.
A hundred percent.

And I think that's what, that's what
comes out of everybody.
They're like, oh, well, I'mgonna be extra nice 'cause
I really wanna make sureI'm invited to the wedding.

Yes, exactly.

Or I'm gonna distance myself because I
don't believe in marriage andI don't like your fiance and I
want nothing to do with this.
And I think you're an idiot.

Like, it's just, you know what's crazy
is that some people do both.

No,

really.
I've seen like, some particularpeople take a step back mm-hmm.
And then realize what they'vesaid, the same thing.
Like, oh, I'm so happy foryou, but X, Y, z you know that.
I hate that.
I've talked about thaton a different podcast.
I'm so happy

for you.
I'm, I'm happy for you,

but actually this is how it affects my life.
Like, nobody cares.
S Okay.
Nobody cares.
I didn't realize

living my life affected your life
in the way where you're I.

But then that same, that same persona.
In the next breath, we'll saylike, oh my God, I'm so excited.
Like, where is the venue?
Mm-hmm.
What are your colors?
What's the vibe?
Mm-hmm.
All these things.
That was

definitely a me thing, and I definitely
was like, what's your vibe?
What are the colors?
I'm so excited.
But you

didn't do the first one.
I'm saying it being like,fake that same person.

Oh, no, no, no.
I genuinely want to know.
No, I

know.
I, I know that.
No, I really wanted to knowthe same person who's then
realized like, oh, I don'tknow if they realize on a
conscious level, like, oh,maybe I was mean, or selfish.
Yeah.
But then they're like, okay,well, I didn't get what I
wanted to begin with, so nowI'm just gonna act really,
really nice and hope thatI'm invited to the wedding,
or included in festivities,or whatever the case may be.

I just think that there's like a fine line
between like, I don't know,I, I don't think that we're
in the age of weddings whereyou're gonna have hundreds of.
F hundreds of peopleat your wedding, right.
If that's what you wanna do.
Sure.
Be my guest.
I think, I think there'slike a fine, uh, also a
fine line of like who'spaying for the wedding.

(08:15):
Yes.
But I still think at thesame time, if there's someone
that makes you uncomfortable,they shouldn't be there
to begin with at all.
Absolutely.
And I don't think thatthere should be any strings
attached if someone is goingto contribute in any way,
shape, or form to like yourwedding or your festivities.
Like I don't, I don'tthink there should be
any strings attached.
So I feel like that's a veryhard, like, don't, don't

(08:38):
give me anything that you arenot okay with being used in
the way that I would use it.
Right.
Like there should be nostrings attached to any
gift, to any payment oranything along those lines.
But I

agree a hundred percent, but
I think that mm-hmm.
The people who docontribute will expect that,

oh yeah, I'm sure.
So I'm not necessarily,I'm paying for it.
So can I have these fivepeople at the wedding?

Like,

ah, no, I've never met them a day in my life.
Why would they beat the wedding?

We had to set ground rules where if
we haven't met them, they'renot invited to the wedding.
Why

would they, doesn't, third,

fourth, fifth, seventh cousins that
doesn't make invited Doesn't

any sense to me.

Angela De (09:20):
They're not invited.
Like,

that doesn't make any sense to me
on any, on any grounds.
Like why would you havepeople at your wedding that
you've never met before

and why would that person be offended
if they weren't invited?
If they've never met me either.
Yeah.
But they do get offended.
I think it's a lot of theolder gen, older generations.
Yes.
That will get offended.
Yes.
'cause of something like that.
If somebody doesn't inviteme, I'm like, thank God.
Don't

invite me.

I don't, I don't

wanna go.
Thanks so much.
Appreciate it.
Appreciate you not invitingme to your wedding.

Yes.
'cause it, it creates anobligation when you don't
really know the person.
Of course.
Like I wanna go toall of my friends'.
Yeah.
Weddings that I'm close with.
I wanna go to my family'sweddings that I'm close with.
But somebody that I barely knowor I met them once, or they're
a friend of a friend, I wouldyou say, no, don't invite me.

I would just say no.
If you did, I, I don'tknow why you did, but
I would just say no.
Right, exactly.
Because I think it'snot appropriate.
Don't you want peoplethat wanna celebrate
you at your wedding too?
You would think And don't youwant bridesmaids that will
celebrate you at your wedding?

A thousand percent.

And that's where we get into like
this whole bridesmaidsmaid of honor situation.
Like I, my opinion, not thatit's really asked for here, I
will not be having bridesmaidsor maid of honors at my wedding.
There will be people thatwill be my friends that
will like be there tech,if you wanna get technical.
Sure.

(10:45):
There may be like abridesmaid or maid of
honor, but like there's notgonna be anybody standing
next to me at the wedding.
Mm-hmm.
There's not gonnabe any obligations.
I'm probably gonna belike, this is where we're
going for the bachelorette.
You come or you don't.

That's exactly what, I dunno.
Yeah, I agree.
Agree.
I don't want any of the

stress or, or like any of like the, like I have
my sister already asking me doI have no ring on my finger?
Okay.
She's like, so, um, not yet.
She's like, am I gonnabe your man of honor?
I'm like, Victoria, Ihave a best friend and
I have another sister.

Yeah.

So, no, no one's being the maid of honor,
like I think I'm just inthis situation where like,
I'm not choosing between

of course

these people.
Of course.
I just, it's not, it's not.
No.
Like I get that.
I like, I, I even said to hertoo, I was like, do do you
wanna plan all the things?
Yeah.
No you don't.
No you don't.
You don't enjoy that.
I enjoy that.
So lemme just do it.

Right.
Exactly.
I think it makes sense.
For you to wanna be theplanner of everything.
Yeah,

I, I mean, I like planning.
Yes.
I just, do you think that,and you're getting good at it.
Thank you.
Bloom 2025 coming soon.
Um, do you think that like,in the ways that you chose
your maid of honor, 'cause youhave two, you, I'm a co-main
of honor with your best friendfrom high school, right?
Yes.
Dominica.
Yes.
And did you go about likechoosing a maid of honor, do

(12:12):
you think people should go aboutchoosing their maid of honor
in a way that is strategic?
My, my mind's like no, Iwould just choose someone.
I want to be by my side.
But I feel like a lot of peoplethink it should be strategic.

That is a great question.
I personally don't thinkit should be strategic.
Mm-hmm.
Like I would never have madesomeone the maid of honor,
only because I think they haveexcellent planning skills.
Yeah.
Now I didn't have that problem'cause you're my best friend.
Excellent planning skills, but.
I don't think that it shouldbe a fully strategic decision.

(12:49):
I don't know if I wouldsay strategic at all.
Yeah, because that sounds likethere's like motive behind it.
Like, oh, I wanna have the besteverything, so I'm gonna pick my
friend that's the best planner.
And you know, like Idon't have any sisters,
so it was easy for me.
I felt like I got topick who I wanted to.
Yeah.
And I truly couldn'tdecide because Dominica
is my best friend.
Mm-hmm.
From high school.
She's like thesister I never had.

(13:10):
Mm-hmm.
And now me and you met what,like four, five years ago?
It's like five now.
It's like five yearsago going on five.
And now you've also become thatsister that I never had too.
Mm-hmm.
In a different way.
'cause we live near eachother and we see each other.
Yeah.
And or we see each otherlike every week or so.
Mm-hmm.
So I wanted like both ofthose, like beautiful, strong

(13:31):
women next to me on that

day.
Thanks so much.
Of course.
I think I agree.
Like I don't, I, I thinkthat a lot of people set
expectations and I don'tthink that there should be.
If you wanna set expectations,I think that they should be set,
but I, I think too many peoplehave like an expectation in
their head that they believe,like, if you end up choosing

(13:55):
your maid of honor, are yousetting an expectation of
where you think they wouldfit in to the equation?
Or are you allowing themto kind of just set that
expectation themselves?
Because there are peoplethat don't like planning.
There are people that arenot really into like the
wedding festivities or theyjust have shit going on
in their, in their life.
So I, I feel like the bridealways should set some sort of

(14:19):
expectation if it's or not evenexpect, set an expectation.
Just like communicate.
Yes.
I think that's, fuck theexpectations, communicate,
like, just talk to eachother and, and actually have
conversations about, uh, maybeabout those expectations or
about what, how involved youwant them or lack thereof to be.

(14:43):
Absolutely.
Like, are you just naming,you're my maid of honor.
These are my bridesmaids.
Are you just naming those peoplebecause, hey, you're important
and I want you as a close partof this special time in my life.
I really have no, there'sno obligations for you.
I just, I just want you there.

I'm trying to do that as
much as I possibly can.
Mm-hmm.
I think the only obligationswill be things like the dress.
Yeah.
And like standing there.
Like, I want the obligations.
If there have to be obligations,which I unfortunately
think that they are, dohave to be some things.
Yeah.
If you're gonnacommit to something.
Yeah.
But I want it to be the leaststressful obligations possible.

(15:21):
Mm-hmm.
So like for you to buy a dressfor a hundred or $200 is like
a very low stakes mm-hmm.
Obligation in my opinion.
I feel like

that's assumed though.
Like if someone makes you abridesmaid, you're like, oh,
well I gotta buy a dress.

Right.
Exactly.

I don't know.
That's, I think that's assumed.
I don't know.

Yes.
And I, the way that I personallywent about it was I picked
people that are in my life thatI love, that I want by my side.
Mm-hmm.
And I don't wanna putan obligation on them.
Like socially, financially.
Yeah.
Emotionally, physically,you know, and having a
Bachelorette, which is awhole other discussion.
Mm-hmm.
I'm sure we'll get to it soon.
The Bachelorette, I didnot wanna be an obligation.

(15:59):
I was even thinkingabout not having one
because I felt so guilty.
Because I know that people,I, I know that money's tight
right now for everybody.
Mm-hmm.
You could be making lotsand lots of money and I
still feel like people areliving paycheck to paycheck.
Yeah.
So I wanna be conscious of that.
I would never force peopleto spend a bunch of money
on me and say, if you don'tgo to the Bachelorette, then

(16:21):
you're out of the wedding.
Or I'm mad at you.
I would never, eversay that to someone.
And I mean that genuinelyfrom the bottom of my heart.
And I sent out, you saw thetext that I sent out, I was
like pouring my heart out.
Mm-hmm.
Basically saying, youguys are my people.
I would never, ever force youto do something you wanna do.
Yeah.
So, you know, if like, you know,Denver is not your thing.
You don't like Colorado,you don't wanna go.

(16:42):
If you don't like traveling,hiking, getting on a plane,
I No questions asked.
You don't have to come.

I feel like that's the right way to go about it.
Yeah.
You know, because thereare people that maybe it
coincides with like a notgreat time in their life.
Maybe they're gonna makeit happen no matter what.
But at the end of the day,like, these are people
you want by your side.
Mm-hmm.
It's not, Hey, I want you to,you're not, you're obligated
to do all of these things.
Like, I think the mostimportant thing, going

(17:09):
back to what I said, likeit's like communicating.
Absolutely.
I was in a really horriblefinancial place with the two
weddings that I was in as abridesmaid, and I was open
and honest to both girls aboutit, and I love traveling.
And something that's importantto me and what I value in
my friendships is actuallyshowing up and being there.
And that's not whateveryone values.

(17:30):
Some people value, um,you know, other things
maybe a little bit higher.
Maybe that's nothow they show love.
Mm-hmm.
But to me, that's how I showlove in my friendships and like
my relationships with people.
I show up, I'm there,I'll make it happen.
I will literally smartly.
Intelligently go intodebt, like to be there.
And I did, but I made it happen.

(17:52):
But I let them know, likeif there was something that
I just physically could notlike financially participate
in, I, I wouldn't, I didn't.
Um, one of my friends waskind enough to pay for
my flight initially and Ijust sent her the money.
Um, she wanted theUnited Points anyway.
Yeah.
Which I totally understand.

(18:12):
I get it.
We've all been there.
But, um, I just paid her backfor the flight, like as like
as the bachelorette approached.
Mm-hmm.
So, um, and it'sinteresting 'cause both
of those bacheloretteswere literally like four
months between each other.
Like one was in my, Ithink August or July.
No, I'm sorry.
It was July.
I'm pretty sure it was July.

(18:32):
And then the other one wasthe beginning of October,
like September, October.

And they're both trips where like you
have to get on a plane.

No one was a plane.
So one was Vegas andthe other was, um, like
Hamptons, long Island.
Um, I forgot the actual town,but it's basically like So a

financial obligation though.
Yeah.
Things are expensive.
I get it.
Both

of them were like pricey.
Um, I, I think, I don't thinkthat they were as pricey as
they could have been becausethe one in, I wanna say it
was Green Point, long Island.
That's what's coming to me.
Um, I think that one was maybetotally like 600 to $800.
Mm-hmm.
Um, and I'm talking like withthe restaurants and
everything included.
Yeah.
And Vegas was morelike 1200, maybe 14.

(19:15):
And honestly.
We got a really good dealfor the, the Vegas one
because we basically gotthe hotel room for free.
We didn't have to pay forthe hotel room at all.
'cause she That's incredible.
It's like a friend ofa friend of a friend.
Love it.
So that was great.
Um, but I, I was like,I'm gonna make it happen.
'cause that's what what Ivalue, but I don't think I
would set what I value as anobligation to what other people

(19:38):
value in their friendships.
Maybe some, some people justdon't like to go places.

Mm-hmm.
I'm mind

blown by that, but I understand.
Same here.

I

understand the

concept.
Yeah.
Do I relate?
Not really, but I, I canunderstand the concept of
that and I think that it's aclassic case of miscommunication
when you set expectationsthat you want mm-hmm.
For somebody else.
Yeah.
And not think about how theyshow you that they love you.
It's like a love language.
Mm-hmm.
Honestly, like if I, ifmy love languages physical

(20:11):
touch, but my partners is.
Words of affirmation, and Ikeep hugging him and mm-hmm.
Kissing him and thinkingthat I'm showing him love.
Mm-hmm.
But he doesn'tcompute that as love.
It's not, it's notgonna reach him.
He's not.
Right.
Yeah.
It won't reach him properly.
And he'll say like, whydoesn't she say that she
loves me or something?
Yeah.
And I, I could be doingeverything in my heart

(20:33):
that I know is love forthis person, and they
could be doing everything.
And if, if it doesn't alignyou, you're, you're literally
not speaking the same language.

Yeah.

And if you're not taking, if I'm talking to
an English, you're answeringme in Spanish and neither one
of us speak fluent, either one.
Yeah.
And

if, and if you're not taking a step back to like,
understand who your friends are,then are you really friends?
Yeah, that's a great point.
Are you really friends ifyou're not taking the time to
actually understand who thisis, because I know when we were
talking about like planning yourbachelorette and everything,
you kind of already had an ideaof who would be a definite yes.
Because you know,they love travel.

(21:12):
Like the only reason whythey would say no is maybe if
something like coincided withlike the dates that was, I don't
know, another family member'swedding or something like that.
And that's not somethingthat you would be angry at
because like, what can you do?
You know?
Exactly.

And I know people have to work.
It's not easy to get PTO days.
Some people don't have PTO,they'd be losing money if
they ca so Yeah, either wayit's like I understand the
stakes that people have.
Yeah.
In the, you know, andI don't wanna, I don't
wanna pressure them.

Yeah, it's like, it's kind of this balance
between, I really want you tobe a part of this in whatever
way, whatever your capacity is,but I don't want you to hold
a grudge against me or resentanything that you say yes to.
Like I think it's reallyimportant to understand, and
I don't think that it's everreally asked, but I think

(22:05):
it's really important tounderstand when you accept
the role as a bridesmaid ora maid of honor, that you
understand maybe what thoseexpectations or obligations are.
And I don't thinkpeople think about that.
I think they're justlike, oh my God, yes.
Thank you so much.
Yeah.
They just don't think about it.

I've actually had to say no
be to being a bridesmaidbefore when I was younger,
when I was like a teenager.

Really?

Yeah.

Why?
Why'd you say no?

So it was somebody that I really
didn't know very well.
Mm-hmm.
And I feel bad because Ireally like this person, but.
It.
First of all, the weddingdates coincided with a
family wedding that I had.
So that was kind of themain reason I had to say no.
But I was alsonot in a position.
I was maybe like, Idon't know, 18 or 19.

(22:54):
I really was not in afinancial position to do it.
Yeah.
Like I'm coming out of highschool, going into college.
At that point, Idon't have solid,

I would be asking my mom, like my, my
parents be like, Hey, can Iwas asked to be a bridesmaid?
Can I have money?
Right.
Like, I dunno,

like I'm

a

very prideful person too much at times where
I could never ask my par evenif I was a teenager, I always
had a my own job and I feltlike I could not ask them.
And not that they wouldn'tgive it to me, 'cause
I know that they would.
Mm-hmm.
And I almost feel likethat's why I couldn't ask.
Yeah.
And it was a weird thing,but like, I don't know,

(23:31):
between me, myself, and I, andlike I have to work for it.
I have to do what I have to do.
Mm-hmm.
So much so that I've hadmultiple jobs at once.
Like in college, I had.
Literally five jobs at one time.
I don't know how I did this,but I had two, two internships.
Um, I was a freelancewriter, Uhhuh.
I worked at the gym andI worked at a restaurant.

Oh my God.
At the same time.

How so?
I, and went to class full-time,went like, uh, was a full-time
student, is what I mean.
Oh my goodness.
So that was my entire senioryear of college, which
was absolutely insane.
But that's just an exampleof how I felt like I could
not ask someone for help.
Yeah.
To be a bridesmaid for someonethat I didn't really know.

Do you think that it's an obligation on
the bride to have people asyour bridesmaids that maybe
you're not really close with?
Kind of like that situationwhere you were asked to be
a bridesmaid with someoneyou're not close with?

I think there are unfortunate
obligations mm-hmm.
For brides to pick thebridesmaids like that.
When it comes to family.
Mm-hmm.
I think when it specificallycomes to the other
person's family Yeah.
That you might notbe that close with.
Mm-hmm.

(24:50):
But you want to include them.
Yeah.
I'm very fortunate.
I did not have that problembecause I love my fiance's
family, but I feel likethere, I have seen people
struggle with, well, shouldI include his sisters?
Or, I don't really want to, orthey've had too many sisters.
Like, I know somebody who islike one of nine or something
crazy like that, and they'relike, yeah, we're not having

(25:12):
bridal parties because howcould I, how could I possibly
have all their, there'dbe no room left for my own
siblings and my own friends.
I literally went

to a wedding where there were like 15
bridesmaids and groomsmen.
That's a lot.
It was so crazy.
Like they werecoming off the sides.

It was just like, and that I feel
like too much can lookmessy like in pictures.
I already, I, I have eight.
And Matt has eight, and soI'm happy that they're even.
Mm-hmm.
But I also think that'skind of a lot of people.
Mm-hmm.
You know, I wouldn'tgo, I don't think I
would've gone past eight.
Don't,

don't hesitate to allow us all to sit down and
while you're getting married.
Wait, I'm okay with that.
That is

something I didn't realize that you'll
be standing the whole time.
When I was a bridesmaid,I was standing there,
I'm like, oh, my back hurts.
Like I'm in these heelsthat I didn't break in.
Mm-hmm.
That I, you know.
Mm-hmm.
I was younger and I'mlike, yeah, this everything
brand new for the wedding.
I was so uncomfortable and Idid not, it did not compute in

(26:14):
my mind how long the ceremonywould be and how long I would
be simply standing there.
Oh.
And then crying.
I didn't realize thatwould happen either.
And there's

like every camera on you, because you're
also up where the bride is.
Mm-hmm.
Whose has all the camerason them and like, here
you are tearing or.
Um, Nick was actually agroomsman for one of his
best friends, and he, thesun was directly in their
face, so the whole time allthe groomsmen Oh my God.
Were like, likesquinting their eyes.
It

was funny.
Yeah.
That, that is somethingto consider too.
Mm-hmm.
And especially, we're havinga beach ceremony, so it's
gonna be beautiful though.
I'm

excited.
I am really excited.
I, I think it's, itwill be beautiful.
It's gonna, it'sgonna come together.
And speaking of comingtogether, bridesmaids dresses,
what are your thoughts?
I think there are some peoplethat are so strong about
having every bridesmaid wherethe exact same thing in the
exact same color in, and it'sjust, and, and like I, I was

(27:14):
in one, the dress was $350.
Oh yeah.
And I was nervous.
The dress was not gonnalook good on me because
I'm like, I, this is notnormally a dress I would pick
out, but I was just like.
It's what it is.
Um, I have trouble personally,people telling me what to wear.
I get it.
So I think, um, I thinka lot of people are all

(27:36):
in like, I don't know.
Let's say, let's sayI dyed my hair blue.
Would you be concerned?
I think you would.
You could.
You're saying it,

I'm picturing you with like long
blue hair, like a cartooncharact doesn't look great.
Cartoon character.
Yeah.
It kind of does.
No, I, I would be concerned,but I think at the end of the
day I would be like, well, that,if that was very characteristic
of your personality, of course,but if I'm dying my hair

blue, you're gonna be like, are you okay?
Yeah.

Do you need to see a therapist?
But if, but if that was like.
Something that you do, I'dbe like, oh, that's Julia.
And I love her for it, for it,but if that's not characteristic
of your usual habits, I would belike, something is very wrong.
I'd be like, I don't,I don't think that her
hair should be blue.

You're out of the wedding.
I think it's important that,like you said, if it was in
character for me or for someonelike one of your friends, one
of your bridesmaids that youknow to change their color of,
of their hair or to do somethingcrazy, I just feel like your,

(28:43):
that's an expectation thisperson already set for you.
They've, you've alreadyknown this about, you
know, this friend ofyours or whomever it is.
Mm-hmm.
You already know this.
Mm-hmm.
So by asking them to be abridesmaid, you are saying,
I want you as you in mywedding because I want you.

(29:04):
You mm-hmm.
By my side, not somealtered version of you
to fit my aesthetic.

Correct.

Right.
Because

I wouldn't want, I don't know, I
wouldn't, I wouldn'twant something altered,
particularly for my wedding.
Yeah.
Like that.
And I would never tell peoplelike, you can't do this.
You can't get a tattoo.
You can't that because it willshow on your arm or something.
Like, I would never justtake pictures separate.
I'd be, that's my,that's my BFF with tats.
I don't care.

(29:36):
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I think there's,

there's people too that get mad, mad at
like their friends or peoplegetting, uh, pregnant.
Oh yeah.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I've seen that before.
And I wouldn't, Iwould not be mad.
That's their life decision.
Yeah.
Who are you, like, justbecause I'm getting
married, who are you to say.
You cannot start your lifewith a child right now.

You cannot, like, it's just, it's
like having a wedding.
You cannot do like run a play byplay of your life with someone
like parallel to someone else.
Like even, even your significantother, like everybody's
gonna do, everybody's gonnachoose what they want to do.
And I think for me, ifsomeone like, and I think

(30:21):
about it too, because I knowthat there's so many of my
friends, I think everybodyis already, like, everybody's
basically getting married.
Like, and I'm notso, at least not yet.
Yeah.
But like, I'm just likethinking in my head, if I
am, and this is obviouslyjust a random scenario, but
if I get married last, likeeverybody's gonna be onto

(30:43):
the next quote unquote step.
Of like having kids.
And it's not that I would beupset if anyone was pregnant
during like this windowof all of my like wedding
festivities, so to speak.
I would be upset if theycouldn't attend when they would
normally be like, want to Yes.

(31:05):
Because of, you know, not beingable to fly or, you know, it
just being too much or theirpregnancy is difficult or any
of, like, I would just be upsetthat I, I feel like it would
be like more, more grieving.
Like it would be justa grieving process.
Like you would, you would be

sad, but not necessarily mad at the person.
No, I wouldn't holdit against them.
Like, right, right.
Yeah, it'd be sad.
Like, I really wishthat they were here.
I wish that, I wish thatthey could come, I wish
that they could participate.

Mm-hmm.
But, and I think that's whatit is at the end of the day.
I think that whena bride gets angry.
At a bridesmaid for notparticipating in the
way they would've liked.
I think that it comes off as,um, inconsiderate and rude,
but I think that the root ofthat is that they're just upset
that they're not able to, thatthey're not able to or not

(31:55):
spending the time with them.

I do agree, but I wish that some of these brides
had the emotional intelligenceto tell and communicate that
to their friends and family.
Yes, because.
If I say, you know, I'm, I'msorry, Julia, I can't make
it to Italy for your wedding.
Like, I'm, I'm thirdtrimester, that's

making me upset, not pregnant.
And that's not happening.
That's, I would pay, like I,that's the kind of person I am.
I'm like, you, youdon't have money here.
I need, you know,

Angela De (32:27):
like, you know what?
I can't.
And you just saidlike, you know what?
I'm so upset.
I'm so mad.
That's ridiculous.
Yeah.
That's crazy.
But like, that was, youwere just like sad inside.
Yeah.
The way I would perceive thatis like, oh my God, she's mad
that I am starting a family.
But yeah.
The way that you meant it was,I'm so disappointed that my
best friend won't be there.

(32:47):
Yeah.
I wish that peoplecould just say that.
I wish people could.
There's been somany Communicate.
Yes.
The communication aspect ishuge, and it's not, it's not a
true form of communication if.
You are saying somethingand it is perceived wrong.
Yeah.
And the other persondoesn't understand.

(33:08):
Yeah.
And vice versa.

I think it's, it's incredibly
important to be self-aware.
Mm-hmm.
But it needs to be both sides.
The bridesmaids being self-awareand the maid of honor being
self or maid of honor the bride.
All the above.
Being self-aware.
Absolutely.
I wanna get to a couple,am I the assholes?
Because I think someof these are good.
I can't wait forthis or you're not.

(33:31):
But I wanna summarizewhere, like, what we think
about this whole situation.
So number one, you're choosingpeople to stand by your side.
Like you're notchoosing strategically.
You're choosing people thatyou genuinely value and
want by your side at animportant time in your life,

right?
Not people that you wannaexploit their skills because
they're good at planningor they're an exciting,
fun person and you justwant that like party energy
or something like that.
It's, you shouldlove them because.
You should want themthere because you
love them either way.
Mm-hmm.
So somebody, somebody that'simportant in your life
that you actually value foreverything that they are

(34:09):
not what you want them tobe or perceive them to be.

Exactly.
Completely agree.
And there's not any necessary,like I I, I think that
expectations and obligations,while there may be some
expectation based off of kindof like who you know your friend
to be, I think that it stillneeds to be re communicated,
especially when it comes tosuch a big event like this.
And especially becausethere's no rule book that

(34:33):
exists for these things.
And I think the expectationmany moons ago was that, you
know, the bridesmaids arepaying for this, they're doing
that, they're doing this,but, and the maid of honor
is doing X, Y, and Z, butit's not like that anymore.
I think we're, it's alittle different now.
So expectations andobligations should be
shared and communicated?

Absolutely, yes.

So I found most of these.
Am I the assholes on a NewJersey Bride group on Facebook?

Angel (35:02):
Everybody should join it.
Even You're not a bride.
Join it.
There's so many

people in this group, like
I can't even imagine.
And the entertainment

on there is unmatched.
If you're board,scroll through that.
Mm-hmm.

And if I am sharing your mi the asshole on
this group, please let me know.
Um, is it possible to not havedrama in your bridal party?
I am so frustrated right now.
This is going to be a long rant.

(35:33):
One, my maid of honoris driving me nuts.
She keeps telling me every timesomeone is not contributing
or taking part in things,knowing it upsets me.
Two, my maid of honor and mymother don't see eye to eye.
I gave my maid of honor specificinstructions not to include
my mother in the bacheloretteand to not bring it up in
any group chat with her.

(35:54):
Not that I have a closerelationship with my mom,
but it'll change the dynamic.
Yeah.
Well, she sent the group chatabout the bridal shower and
the batch party, and thenstarted a new one with the
bridesmaids for the batch party.
A family member who is abridesmaid told my mom all
the details and my mom waslike, why don't I know that?
Is there a separate group?
So my mom thought she wasinvited and she wasn't.

(36:17):
Number three, more than halfof my bridal party isn't
contributing to anything besidestheir dress, hair, and makeup.
They basically said theycan't attend the shower
or bachelorette, so theyare not contributing to
something they can't be at.
So I have nine bridesmaidsand three are paying
the bulk of everything.
Mind you, I asked my girlstwo years in advance and gave

(36:38):
the expectations and basicallysaid it is financially a lot.
So if you cannot afford it, Iunderstand, but it's not fair
to take credit for stuff asthe quote unquote bridal party
and not contribute to anythingleading up about to cancel
having a bridal party and ran.
SOS send help.

Well, my jaw is on the floor.
Yeah.
That they had the, thekicker was that they had two
years to prepare for this.
Mm-hmm.
They knew for twoyears that they'd be
in this girl's wedding.
Mm-hmm.
And it seems like noone is showing up.
So.
This, this woman, youare not the asshole.
Your bridesmaids mm-hmm.
Are the assholes.

Wow.
100%. And I don't, I honestlydon't think that her maid
of honor is necessarilythe asshole either.
I think, no, I thinkshe wants to help.
It seems like she needs help.
I think she needs help.

She needs help.
I think she wants to be, atleast just from this story, what
I'm getting from it is she'sover involved and taking mm-hmm.
Control of thingsalmost too much.
Mm-hmm.
And doing too much and not Okay.
She's doing things toomuch of what she thinks

(37:49):
the bride might want.
Mm-hmm.
And not heedingthe bride's advice.
Yeah.
I think, and notfollowing her, the bride's
wishes, not just advice.
Yeah.
Literally just not followingwhat she's asked, what
the bride has asked thismaid of honor to do.
Mm-hmm.
Like goingagainst that completely.
Somewhat related to that story.
I have a question for you.
Oh, no.

(38:10):
Do, do you think parentsshould be invited to bachelor
and bachelorette parties?
No.

I, you know what, I take that back.
Not a, no, I think it dependson the parent because it,
you have sp you have parentsthat are really the life
of the party that are fun.
That really would addto a bachelorette party
that, you know, it's theparent that isn't judgy is
that knows your friends.

(38:35):
Like, you know what I mean?
But I do think that it, Iwill lean more towards, no,
I think this is a time tospend with your friends.
And the bridal showeris more of like.
I agree.
The time you get to spend withlike your mom, the, the aunties,
the older, you know, the oldergeneration, I don't know.
Yeah.
I, I think thatit's a mix of both.

(38:55):
Like if it fits andit makes sense, sure.
But I, under no obligation do Ithink a mother should expect to
be invited to a bachelor party.

Okay.
That's what I was gettingat the expectation.
Should it be like to invitethe parents of, of either no.
The bride or the groomer orthe two people getting married?
No, I also agree with you.
Mm-hmm.
I think that having a parentthere can change the dynamic.
Oh yeah.
And also what do you think aboutpeople inviting somebody who

(39:24):
is not in the wedding party?

I think that's fine.
It's a bachelor

bachelorette.

I, I think that's fine.
Um, and I feel like I've seena lot of people do it before
because I think there arepeople who are different kinds
of friends in your life, andthere are the people that
you want standing by yourside as like a bridesmaid.
And then you have thesefriends who are more.
You know, I don't know.
They're either like you'regoing out friends, or

(39:49):
maybe they're the friendsthat you travel with.
I think that there'sa place for everyone.
Do I think that maybethey'd be offended?
I don't, I don't know.
I would hope not.
I don't know.
Whenever I think of likesomeone's bridal party,
like, I would hope thatyou chose the people you
want standing next to youbecause they're a significant

(40:09):
part of your life, right?
And there are people that arestill, you know, significant
parts of your life thatmaybe, I don't know, maybe
you got really close witha coworker, but they're not
a significant part of yourlife in the way that these
other, like eight people are.
Right?
Have your coworker at your,at your bachelorette party,
you know what I mean?
Or have your coworker atyour, at your bridal shower,

(40:30):
because you started tobecome close with them, but
not close enough to say.
Hey, I want you in my,you know, as a bridesmaid.

Yeah.

I think there's definitely like situations
for either, but I think forthat one too, not as much of
a no as a mom at a bachelorparty, but I would still lean
more towards like not the

expectation if you're just friends
with someone to be invited.

Yeah.

To their bachelor, bachelorette.
Yeah.

Got it.
Yeah.
100%. 100%. And I think, Ithink this poor, this poor
girl, I think there's justlike, so you've got nine
bridesmaids, which I, I thinkis a lot, but like at the
same time, only three of themare kind of contributing.
And the way that I readit, I hope these other six
people don't think thatthey're still doing anything.

(41:19):
Like they're still coming to thebachelorette party, but someone
else is paying it for it.
I don't, I hope not.
That's completely absurd.
I hope not

also.
Yeah.
And I can't believe thatthe majority, I think that.
Well, okay, I'll finishmy thought first.
I can't believe themajority of the bridesmaids
are not participating.
That's completely unacceptableand it makes me wanna ask the
bride this question, are thesepeople really your friends?

(41:48):
I was.
Why say that?
Why you them to be inyour, you know, not, not
in an accusatory way.
Yeah.
But like why literally,genuinely, why did you
pick these people to bein your bridal party?
Because they're notshowing up for you.
Yeah.
You said before that you wouldmake it happen, even when
you felt like you were notin a financial position Yeah.
To make things happen.
You still flew acrossthe country to go to
Vegas for your friend.
Mm-hmm.

(42:09):
You still made it out tothe Hamptons, and you didn't
necessarily have the means toat that exact moment in time.
Mm-hmm.
These people had two years.
And they knew the expectation.
Yeah.
And it sounds like,it sounds like months

not even

and it sounds like Yeah.
And, and that'simpressive, honestly.
Uh, even if I had all themoney in the world, just to
have like months to mm-hmm.
You know, I don't know, threemonths maybe to plan like
that's, that's too close.
Yeah.
For comfort, you know,for a trip like that.
But them having so much time,I wanna know why the bride
picked these people and I wannaknow where they stand today.

(42:44):
If this is yourstory, I want to know.
Yeah.
You don't have to tell me whoyou could come in anonymously.
I just want to knowwhere do you stand with
these six people today?
They are showing you your true,their true colors, so mm-hmm.
When somebody shows youwho they are, you should
listen to them 100%.

The next one mm-hmm.
Says, Ugh, I need to vent.
I'm a maid of honor.
My bride has six other girls.
I am literally doing everysingle thing, and I know it's
the maid of honor's job, buttrying to get any response from
them is like pulling teeth.
I'm also planning my ownwedding and I'm drowning.
At what point do I bringit up to the bride?

(43:22):
Oh boy.
Mm-hmm.
Well, first off, I don'tthink that it's just the
maid of honors job toput everything together.
I think that it'sa, a group job.

I agree.
And I

think at minimum it's your job to
answer and to communicate.

Correct.
I'm always gonna

put that on a pedestal.

That should be the expectation.
A thousand percent.
I think it's the maid of honor'sjob to begin facilitating.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you start the group chat.
Yeah.
Maybe you startthe conversation.
But it is everyone'sres responsibility to
participate and respond.
Yeah.
I, I'm.
Another speechless one.

(44:00):
They have six.
Six other people are notcontributing anything.
Not even responding.

Yeah.
I, I know life gets busy, butmaybe this is a privilege.
Maybe this is me coming outtaleft field, but I really
do think that it takes fiveseconds to send a text.
Absolutely.
Even if it's just tosay, I'm so sorry, I
have a really busy week.
I'll get back to you next week.

Exactly.
Just, just acknowledge it.
It's not that hard.
I feel like sending the emailsin a corporate environment
when it's like acknowledgingreceipt and like that's,

you know, as per my previous email.
Right.
Except for this, as permy previous text in the
group chat, per my lasttext answer, please answer.
Answer.

I just want people to acknowledge that
they've received the message.
If it's something like.
Important.
Be like, you know what,let me get back to you.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Give it, give a thumbs up.
Anything thumb.
Yeah, exactly.
Give a thumbs up.
I'm not even asking for aresponse I'm asking for.
That's less

than 30 seconds.
That's like two secondsor thumb's down then

I don't know how you feel.
Yeah.
Whatever.
Whatever

you want.
I mean, I set up a Google form.
I was like, this is perfect.
Let's get all this information.
Let me know whereyour head's at.
Yeah.
And that's, that's it.
Perfect.
Done.
Amazing.
That's perfect.
Maybe that's like super type A.
But

No, I think that it's, it gets the job done.
I think it gets the job done.
And I think it's efficient.
It

Julia Salv (45:20):
leaves no questions.
Exactly because I think, I thinkthe biggest thing is running
around trying to communicatewith so many different people
when at the end of the day,like, you know, everybody has
their, their lives and everybodyhas their own things going on.
I think at the very least,communicating is important.
Mm-hmm.
But also, at the very least,I, I think any maid of honor

(45:40):
trying to like plan anything,please take advantage of like.
A survey.
Absolutely.
As silly as it sounds andas type A and dramatic.
It's so helpful.

No, I, I agree with you.
I want to address the partwhere she says, at what
point do I ask for help orbring it up or whatever.
Oh, she shouldhave brought it up

already.

Yeah.
I think it's that point.
Yeah.
And I think she should bringit up, but I think if it were
me in that situation, I wouldbe worried to upset the bride.

And I wouldn wouldn't of course.
'cause that is upsettingthat, oh, here, here are
all these people that aresupposed to care about me and
they're not even respondingto, to the person trying to
do, you know, to plan this.
Not just for me,but for all of us.

Exactly.
And then I think if thatmaid of honor does tell
the bride, I think it isthe bride's responsibility
to reach out to everyone.
Mm-hmm.
And say, please participate.
Yeah.
You know, so and sois facilitating all of
these conversations.
Everyone's expectedto participate.
Yeah.
If you can no longerparticipate, please let me know.
You don't have tobe a bridesmaid.

(46:44):
Yeah.
Like you don't,you're here willingly.
I was hoping that you wannaparticipate and be with me.
Mm-hmm.
On my special day.
If you don't or ifyou can't, yeah.
Just tell me.
Yeah.
Again, with the communication,it's just, that's what
it goes back to, becauseotherwise I ghosting the
maid of honor when you'rea bridesmaid is not right.

Mm-hmm.

Angela De P (47:05):
That's so terrible.

It's, I'm heartbroken.
I had to lose oneof my bridesmaids.
I never thought I'd bethat person, that girl that
has the bridesmaid drama.
I never imagined how youcould lose bridesmaids.
This girl was oneof my best friends.
She would've been one of mymaid of honors if she didn't
live in Michigan over thepast last couple of months

(47:30):
she was slacking, barelytalking, being a crummy friend.
My wedding is in August.
She still hadn'tgotten her dress.
I kept asking her andshe wasn't getting it.
She said She can't cometo my bridal shower.
I understand because ofthe cost of the flight.
Yesterday she told me she'snot sure she could come to my
bachelorette in Savannah, eventhough we have already booked

(47:51):
the Airbnb, not the flight yet.
She chose to take voluntarycollege courses, not even for
a degree, and signed up forcourses that were on weekends.
She said she's not sure ifshe can miss them, and it
turned into a big thing.
It's a really long story,but I had to kick her out.
It wasn't fair to theother bridesmaids.
I believe she alreadymen mentally checked

(48:11):
out of the bridal party.
I'm really sad and nowI'll have an uneven amount
of guys versus girls.
I think you guysunderstand my pain.

Angela De Pal (48:21):
Oh, that's rough.

Yeah, but I think she's right.
I think she tripped out.
I don't think she wanted tobe a part of this at all.

I agree.
Because she wouldn't have takenvoluntary courses that are
not toward a particular degreethat she needed at the time.
Yeah.
I felt like it was graspingat straws for an excuse.
Mm-hmm.
That's an expensive excuse girl.
You should just told heryou don't wanna be in it.
I know.

Pay for college credits instead.
I think at like one pointthere's, you know, not worrying
about, as we said, like you'reon your own path to whatever
you wanna do in your life.
Yep.
And maybe thiswas a difficult decision for
her bridesmaid to make, to beable to, to like wanna take
those college courses, but itseemed, I don't know, it seemed

(49:07):
kind of like out of left field.
Like if she wantsto take my words.
Exactly.
I was thinking, yeah.
Like if she wants to takevoluntary college courses Sure.
Not a problem.
Like, I could see thelittle like, jab from
the bride, like mm-hmm.
Not even for a collegedegree, but like Right, right.
But I do, I feelthat way too though.
Yeah.
I'd

be like, you're shitting me right now.
Yeah.
Are you getting like,

but, but you couldn't show up for one thing.

Right.

Or anything at all.
And I, I almost feel likemaybe this, because she
lived so far away, maybethis was a situation where
I, I have a couple theories.
She was sad she wasn't made amaid of honor based on the fact
that she lived far away, becauseI don't think really living far
away has much to do with it.
Like I still thinkyou could show up.

(49:53):
Is it a little bitmore difficult?
Yeah.
But are we choosingstrategically or are we
choosing because thisperson deserved that spot?

Right.

And to me, this comes off, this
person deserved that spot.
But you chosestrategically as the bride.
But so maybe she's a littleresentful about that and
like, just was like, okay,well then I don't wanna
be a part of it at all.
And I think that's,I mean, that's sad.
Like if you didn't choose meto be a maid of honor, I think
I would've been really sad.

(50:23):
But I. At the same time, I,I would've been like, no.
It's, there's so manyother people in her, her
life that are important.
I'm glad you did that to her.
Well, of course.
Well, I know I'm the best,no, I'm just kidding.
But like, I, you know, I thinkthere's just some, some kind
of understanding and at the endof the day, like you don't know
why people genuinely like whysomeone chooses who they choose.

(50:46):
Right.
Unless they're literally tellingyou honestly why they did.
And I think that, I think thebride didn't choose correctly,
or at least from what I'mgathering, but I also think that
it's wrong that the bridesmaidcompletely checked out.
You're not gonna do thebridal shower, you're not
gonna do the bachelorette.
And not even that.

(51:06):
You're not gonna do those.
'cause we get it.
You live far away.
It's expensive.
It's a lot to commit to, butyou're not gonna communicate.
Right.
Communicate.
That's the theme I wasthinking the whole time
should have called my podcast.
The, the self-lovecommunication skills.

Yeah, exactly.

Because it's so important.

Absolutely.
I was thinking that the wholetime, all these stories that
you're reading, I'm like, thisis a failure to communicate.
Mm-hmm.
What you really needor want or are thinking
about the situation.
Yeah, and I do agree with you.
I think that the bride chose ina little bit more of a strategic
way, which I understand why.
Again, with the distance, it,it is kind of hard, but at the

(51:49):
same time, if I were that bride,I probably would have said, I
want you to be a maid of honor.
I understand if the distanceis too much and you wanna
just to be a, a bridesmaidand don't wanna take on that
responsibility of maid of honor,or if you can't participate
at all, I will understand.
And but just so youknow, like I love you

(52:09):
the same no matter what.
I think that

would've been such a great thing to say.

And then.
If that, you know, then the,the girl in Michigan was, it
would have the opportunityto say, you know what?
I would have loved to be yourmaid of honor, but I can't
really commit right now.
Yeah.
But I will a thousandpercent be a bridesmaid.
Yeah.
Or she could have been the maidof honor, or she could have
been honest and said, you knowwhat, I don't think I can do
this at all, but I'll be atthe wedding 'cause I love you.

(52:35):
Yeah.
Perfectly said.
I justly said thank you.
I don't understandwhy it couldn't be.
That way.

Yep.
It just seems that's reallyfrustrating and it seems like a
lot of things that happen withlike bridesmaids and maid of
honors and just people that arethere to support you in general.
Friends, family doesn't matter,like it seems like the core
problem is lack of communicationor bad communication or just
assumptions, which we know.

(53:04):
What assumptions do they makean asset of you, you know, Uhhuh

Angela De Pal (53:09):
outta you and me.
It kind of begs the questionfor me, like why people are
not communicating these things.
Are they scared thatthe relationship will
be altered in some way?
Mm-hmm.
Are they scared they'll upsetthe bride or the maid of
honor or the bride's maid?
Are they embarrassedto say that?

(53:32):
Are they embarrassedto ask that?
Like I don't, I wanna know whatthe communication issue is.
Yeah.
Or are people just not reallyemotionally intelligent
enough to do that?
Maybe that's it.
Also good.
That's, I dunno whyI asked a question.
That's it.

Also a good point.
I, I just, I do think thatpeople are emotionally
intelligent, but we're alwaysin this very ego place mm-hmm.
Of, and I'm talking not justlike I, I, I, we're just,
we're partially thinking aboutus ourselves because we, we
all are very self-oriented,but at the same time, I

(54:07):
think that we're making up.
Scenarios in our head.
Mm-hmm.
Out of fear.
Like, we're not communicatingbased off of like what we
think someone is going torespond back to us, or we are
afraid that, you know, it'sgoing to alter the friendship.
You know what I mean?
But it's, it's kind of likethose situations, maybe
this is a horrible analogy,but it's kind of like those
situations where there's um,like two friends that end

(54:30):
up, like one really likes theother person and like wants
it to be more than friends.
And there's kind of this, youknow, this difficulty with,
you know, you're either gonnacommunicate your feelings
and alter that friendshipforever, or you're going
to be quiet and still alterthat friendship forever.

I think that so, so which

one are you gonna choose?

I think that that was a good analogy.
Thank you.
Thanks so much.
I think so, because eitherway you're losing out.
Yeah.
You're potentially losingout based on the other
person's response if you docommunicate your feelings.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it really works the same.
Type of way in a different way.
Mm-hmm.
With that, like if you are like,I'll take the, the Michigan

(55:12):
and bride situation mm-hmm.
Like, Michigan girl didn'teven have the opportunity
to say, I wanna be thatmaid of honor or not.
Yeah.
And it, she kind ofloses out either way.
'cause she's like, well she,this bride didn't pick me.
Yeah.
And then I, maybe, maybeshe would've said yes.
Mm-hmm.
Had she been picked.

(55:33):
Yeah.
Or maybe she was likevery, very offended.
Yeah.
That, and that's anotherthing, picking people in
your wedding party mm-hmm.
And made of honor or groomsmenor whoever, and people getting
offended that they're not in it.
Do

you think that anyone got offended?

I think that if I was still close with
one particular person mm-hmm.
That they would'vebeen highly offended.
Mm-hmm.
And I would, and had Ibeen close with this person
still, I would not haveincluded them because
they're very self-centered.
And I, and and I, and I lovedthis person for who they

(56:08):
were and I understood that.
But every single time thatwe have done any like trips
together or gone out together,anything, it was always,
there was always drama.
It was always some kind ofsituation and it was all about
them, boy, and how they felt.
It was very boy crazy.
And look, I'm, I'vehad my moments.

(56:28):
I'm not gonna sit hereand act hypocritical,
like I haven't been there'cause I totally have.
But now having been in aloving relationship, like going
on five years in a healthy,loving, committed, and loyal
relationship, I didn't relateto this person anymore that
did not experience that andcould not understand Yeah.
Why I couldn't go out and partyand be the wing woman anymore.

(56:52):
Yeah.
And that was hard for me.
And I missed this person ofcourse, because we were close.
And I just

don't, but dynamics change, dynamics much
like relationships, much change.
And you either, you eithergrow with each other or you
don't grow with each other.
And sometimes it's thelatter and maybe you come
back to certain friendshipsand maybe you grow out
of certain friendships.
Like I had, um, a couple offriends, like in college,
like my high school friends,like we really did not

(57:20):
talk much in college.
But now that college is over,like I, we talk like pretty
consistently, you know?
So I think that it's eitheryou are growing together and
understanding who each of youare as you grow, or, or not

exactly.

I really think that, like I said, weddings and
all the parties that surroundit, they are big obligations.
They're obligations for thebride, they're obligations
for the groom, they'reobligations for the family,
the friends, all the above.
But I think most importantly,I. Beyond the obligation aspect.
It's a time to celebratethese two people getting

(58:00):
married and going into thisnew part of their life.
And I don't think there's anyexpectations attached to it,
except that like, if you'remy friend, I mean, yeah, I do
have expectations of, of likeas someone, as you know, as
their friend or as your friendto support you, but in any
way that is in your capacity.

(58:21):
Mm-hmm.
And I justthink that the bridal shower,
it's about the bride, thebachelorette party, it's
about the bride, the wedding.
It's about the bride and groom.
Like, I just think thatthat's where it ends.
And I, I can totally see likethe kindness from some people
wanting, like for you, you wantto make sure everybody's happy,
but at the end of the day, youare not going to make everybody

(58:42):
happy even if you tried.
Right.
But all that to say, I,I just really think that
it's a time to celebrate.
The couple.
Absolutely.
And just celebrateyour, your friend.
Uh, as I said, you'renot, you're not going to
make everybody happy, so Ifeel like you should just
prioritize yourself as abride to make yourself happy.

(59:06):
You know, have that little,like, you know, keep
everybody else in mind.
Like if you know it's outof the capacity of like your
friends and your family tohave a bachelorette in, I
don't know, Europe for example.
You can still do whateveryou want, but know that
maybe everybody wouldnot be able to come.

Right.

And maybe you'd be taking a solo trip.
Yeah.
It just depends on likewho those people are.
Or maybe you wanna still do thatand you're like, no, I'll take
care of the house for everybody.
Everybody just has tocover their plane flights.
And honestly, in thatcase, sign me up.
Time me up.
Same.
'cause that flight's gonnacost less than it would
if you did a bachelor runin the United States, but

Right.

It's like those, those like little things
like still do what you wantas the bride and choose to
do things in the way thatyou want to do them as.
Thank you so muchfor being here.
Thank you for having

me.
I feel

like we could have talked for
the rest of the night.

Angela De Palma (01:00:00):
Oh, absolutely.
We definitely,

Julia Salvia (01:00:02):
we definitely did.
This was a long one, but Ithink this was a good one.
Absolutely.
This really just went over theexpectations of, you know, being
a friend to another friend, likewhen they're getting married
or at this time in their lifeand not everybody's gonna go
through that time in theirlife, but I think that those
that choose to just want reallysupportive people by their side.

(01:00:22):
And I think it's importantthat we have some sort of
rule book, so to speak.
Or some sort of rulesarchive Yeah, exactly.
To go, to go off of for like,for these times in our lives.
Because at the end of theday, we want to have fun.
Yes.
And just support thepeople that we love.

Angela De Palma (01:00:39):
And I want the people that I love to support
me back as I support them.
Yeah, of course.
You know, course.
So just having thatsupportive environment.
Mm-hmm.
But not putting unnecessaryobligations and being forceful
about it and manipulative aboutit that I don't agree with.
Mm-hmm.
But having some kind ofstructure and then having

(01:01:01):
people by your side that willlike heed that structure.
Yeah.
Is important.

For sure.
I love you.

Angela De Pal (01:01:09):
I love you Julia.
Thanks.
We're gonna go having me.

Thank you.
We're gonna go bake cookies now.
I can't wait.
See you next week orthe week after that.

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