October 28, 2025 • 54 mins
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The Hidden Epidemic Affecting 70% of Long-Term Couples. Sexual boredom is reaching epidemic proportions, with research showing that couples in long-term relationships often experience declining sexual satisfaction. If your sex life has gone from fireworks to lukewarm candles, you're not alone. This year's sexual wellness trends emphasize that 2026 is all about breaking barriers, embracing sexual honesty, and reclaiming pleasure through mindful intimacy. The shocking truth? Most couples are settling for mediocre intimacy when extraordinary connection is just a conversation away.
THE TOP 5 REASONS YOUR SEX LIFE HAS LOST ITS SPARK
1. The Orgasm-Only Trap - When orgasm becomes the sole focus, creativity dies and sexual exploration stops.
2. Communication Breakdown in the Bedroom - Research reveals that couples in long-term relationships only know 62% of what their partners find sexually pleasing and a staggering 86.99% of couples who regularly discuss sex achieve orgasm every time
3. Lack of Sexual Novelty and Exploration - Repeating the same positions, using the same toys for years, and sticking to identical routines creates sexual stagnation.
4. Fear of Vulnerability in Intimate Conversations - The word "vulnerable" literally means "woundable" - but this risk is exactly what creates deep, electric connection.
5. Neglecting Tantric and Mindful Intimacy Practices - Sexual wellness is evolving toward holistic approaches that integrate mindfulness, breathwork, and body awareness into intimate experiences
WATCH, LISTEN, & CHECK OUT THE LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE - HERE
LAST 10x LONGER. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are not alone, master 5 techniques to cure this stressful & embarrassing issue once and for all. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST20.
THE VAGINAL ORGASM MASTERCLASS. Discover how to activate the female Gspot, clitoris, & cervical orgasms. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST 20
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Willow (00:06):
Ever feel like your sex life has gone from fireworks to
lukewarm candles?
You're definitely not alone.
On today's episode of SexReimagine, we're counting down
the top five reasons sex getsboring, and more importantly,
how to reignite the spark,reclaim your desire, and make
every encounter feel electricagain.
(00:26):
So get ready to uncover whatmight be sneaking in between you
and your pleasure.
I'm Dr.
Willa Brown.
I'm here with the one and onlyLeah Piper, and we are sex
reimagined.
Leah (00:38):
So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with us, Leah and
Willow.
Announcer (00:44):
Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is
shame-free and pleasure forward.
Let's get into the show.
Leah (00:54):
Sex gets boring,
Willow (00:56):
It sure does.
It's such a bummer when thathappens, but it does happen to
all of us, to the best of us.
It's just one of those thingswhere you start to, you know,
find your little groove and thenyou stick with your groove
because that groove works, andbefore you know it, you're in a
ditch and you just can't findyour way out.
Leah (01:17):
You know, unfortunately sex does get boring after a
while.
Sometimes it's because you'rewith the same partner for years
and years and years.
Other times it's, you know,maybe you're just not very good
at bed.
No, that can't be it.
Willow (01:33):
Oh my goodness.
Yeah, sex can get very routine.
It can get very boring, I think.
Um, I think one of the reasonsfor this is just because we have
orgasm as the, as the goal ofsex.
And if we take orgasm off thetable, lots more creativity
starts to flow, which we'realways talking about.
But, um.
But when we, you know, take theopportunity to, to look at like,
(01:57):
what is boring about it?
Is it because we've done it amillion times in that position,
or we, we always do it in thatroom, or we always do it at that
time of day?
You know, it, it could just bevery simple changes and you
could still keep the sameposition or you can keep the
same, you know, place in thehouse, but share another layer
(02:18):
of what's going on for yousexually with your partner.
To make it more novel, let'stalk about these five reasons
that sex gets boring,
Leah (02:27):
Well, yeah, so you know, I kind of said in jest, maybe it's
just'cause you're not a verygood lover, but the truth is,
many of us aren't.
Many of us were.
None of us were taught how to bea skillful lover.
Some people luck out and they'rejust kinda wired for some
curiosity and they practice andthey're so interested in the
(02:48):
topic that they really spendtime learning about it.
Other people never learn aboutit because they're shy or
uncomfortable or insecure orlack of opportunity.
That's why novelty is soimportant.
We're reaching for things thatfeel different so we don't get
stuck.
So sometimes that means beingmore creative.
Uh, you know, a lack of noveltyis getting stuck in a rut.
(03:12):
Repeated positions or the samesexual activities, or the same
toys, like how many of you havebeen using the same vibrator for
the last.
5,
Willow (03:23):
10 years.
Leah (03:24):
years, I mean, guilty.
Um, and not to say that youshouldn't use the one that's
tried and true, but let me tellyou, there are some new toys on
the market
Willow (03:34):
There's a world of good toys.
Leah (03:37):
much advancement in the world of toys and in the world
of also like.
Getting more blood to thetissue, you know, whether that's
a, a vulva or a penis.
There's so much great technologyout there.
In fact, uh, we did a greatepisode I think it was episode 1
32, um, the creator of MysteryVibe.
Willow (03:59):
yeah, Dr.
So sheet,
Leah (04:01):
Yeah, I'm sorry, episode 1 42.
Willow (04:04):
1 42.
Go check it out.
You will want to learn from thisman.
He's kind of a genius andcreated a whole line of really
phenomenal toys.
Some of which Leah and I havebeen test running for all of
you, and, uh, we, we highlyrecommend.
So the Poco is super fun.
The Tenuto is super fun.
All of his, um, vibrators arenamed after the crescendo.
(04:28):
They're named after.
Um, what, like musical notes?
Leah (04:32):
Um, yeah.
So novelty.
What are some of the things thatyou've tried in the past five
years?
In the name of novelty, Willow?
Willow (04:40):
I mean, wow, you really wanna hear...
Leah (04:43):
fuck yeah.
Everyone wants
Willow (04:44):
oh my God, I've done so many things you guys that I
never, ever thought I would do.
Like really, um, fun and playfuland exciting things.
So definitely have gotten moreinto, um, you know, multiple
partners, play parties, uh,being watched, watching others.
(05:07):
Um, pegging men.
Never thought I would do that.
I don't get a lot of get off onit, but I find it interesting.
You know, I find it veryfascinating
Leah (05:16):
cool to watch them get off
Willow (05:17):
Yeah, exactly.
And it, and it kind of gives youa different relationship to
being penetrated, you know, by aman when you're penetrating a
man.
And some men just love theyhave, you know, it's not
necessarily gay thing.
There's just a lot of nerveendings up in there and they
just love the sensation and theyhave phenomenal orgasms.
I mean, I have played withswings, sex swings, um, you
(05:43):
know, my fa all this stuff islike, it's novel for sure, and
it's fun, but like my, my mainget off is when I'm with a lover
that I'm deeply in love with andlike in those Tantric, intimate
moments where we're just in eachother's eyes and souls and eye
gazing.
You know, that's really, um,that's really what feeds and
(06:04):
nourishes me on a sexual level,uh, because I, I run more of
that energetic and sensual kindof blueprint more naturally.
But I would definitely say overthe past three years, I've
expanded quite a lot into thissexual blueprint, which is like,
give it to me.
Fuck me now.
You know?
And then I've also reallyexpanded in the last probably
(06:25):
one and a half to two years intothe kink and the, you know, sub
dom world.
And I tell you what, I'mimpressed with some of the Dom
sessions that I've run in myday, these past, you know,
couple of years.
So it, it's just, there's somuch.
There's so much beyond what wethink of as sex to play with,
and it's really just aboutgetting out of your own way, not
(06:48):
judging yourself and others andpicking up a, a crop and
spanking someone's ass andseeing what happens, you know?
Leah (06:55):
Yeah, and I think too, I think where a lot of people get
stuck in novelty is they trysomething once and then they sat
down and they say, oh, that'snever for me again, that's a
terrible way to look atsexuality.
Is to just go, well, I tried itfor a second and it's just not
for me.
Like you have to actually testsomething and then do little
corrections.
(07:15):
There's so much nuance when itcomes to sex and trying new
things that it's not about justtrying something once and
setting it down, it's tryingsomething and then having a
delicious conversation about thenuances of what worked for you
and what didn't work for you.
And if we were ever to try thisagain, maybe we would switch it
up here or do something a littlebit different there and maybe we
(07:36):
would try this.
And it's like, it's like you'recurating, you're allowing
yourself to have an experiencebeyond just like, yeah, well we
tried egg eye gazing.
It was awkward.
It's like, no, there's so muchmore that you can, you know,
explore.
So give it more than just oncechance, because a lot of times
(07:58):
people will go into noveltyusually because one person is
like really kind of starving forsomething different and new and
the other person is showing upfor it reluctantly.
Like, I don't really wanna dothis, you know?
And so you have to be able tolook inside of yourself and dig
in for that curiosity and reallymeet your partner with some
(08:18):
enthusiasm to discover morewithin yourself.
It's not just a gift you'regiving your partner by showing
up with some enthusiasm, even ifyou're the more reluctant one.
It's to actually go inside andgo, what can I discover about
myself?
That's the beauty of novelty.
It's giving yourself multipleexperiences and it's also okay
to go, Hey, we tried that a fewtimes.
(08:39):
Not really my jam, you know?
Okay, cool.
What's the next creative thingyou can engage in?
And it doesn't have to beextremes.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe BDSM, it could just be
something like, Hey, let'smassage each other before we
have sex.
Willow (08:53):
Mm-hmm.
Or, or let's go out somewherepublic.
Not have sex in public, but justlike start to get intimate in a,
in a, in a differentenvironment.
You know, like sitting, likeinstead of always being in your
bedroom at home or on yourcouch, in your living room, go
to the park, spread out ablanket and do some, you know,
(09:15):
eye gazing or, or breath work orjust like crawling around on
the, on the grass together andkind of getting into a more, um,
connected, primal state.
Leah (09:25):
you will never see me crawling around in the park.
Everybody.
I'm like, that's where
Willow (09:31):
never say never.
Leah (09:33):
no.
Um, but what, what I, what Ithink is really interesting
about what you, you're saying isthat a lot of couples.
Talk about their sexual problems
Willow (09:42):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (09:42):
the same place every single time and never get
anywhere.
And what I kinda love about whatyou're saying is like, have
those intimate conversationsmaybe somewhere else where
you're finding no solutions.
Get off the couch, go talk aboutit in the closet.
Go talk about it in the bathtub.
Willow (09:58):
well, and also.
Leah (09:58):
it outside.
Willow (09:59):
Talk about what you want, talk about your fantasies.
Don't just talk about the issue,like talk about something other
than the issue.
Talk about, um, what it would,what it would feel like and what
it would be like for you if youcould get out of the rut that
you're in, you know, if youcould, um, experience the kind
of sex that you, maybe you don'tknow how to get there or what it
(10:22):
is.
But if you could experience thekind of sex that we're always
talking about, how would thatfeel to you?
So go somewhere else outside ofyour normal environment and just
open up a conversation.
'Cause what happens is like, youknow, then a butterfly flies by
and you're like, oh, and it's,you know, just opens up
something inside of you.
Leah (10:42):
Yeah.
Which leads us, really, this isa beautiful segue to lack of
communication is one of thereasons why sex gets boring.
And I think that theconversation for me would be
totally different from sittingon the couch and talking about
that stressful conversationversus going to a nice cocktail
bar and having a reallybeautiful, yummy cocktail and
(11:04):
sitting down and I'm dressed upand me and my partner are now
really engaged looking at eachother.
I think a totally differentconversation is possible when we
get out of our normal placesand, and we'll find inspiration.
Like somehow a new solution mayoccur because you're not in sort
(11:25):
of honestly the safe littlebubble where you can just all
complain, I don't like this andI don't like that, and I wish
this was different.
Instead of going how, like yousaid, how do I get the sex that
I want and it's a really, it's areal challenge when you don't
know what the sex you want lookslike.
(11:46):
You just know you don't want thesex you're getting,
Willow (11:48):
Yeah.
And, and more importantly, likeidentifying what does it feel
like?
Like you might not know how toget there and you might not know
how to express that to yourpartner, but like, what is the
feeling that you wanna have?
You know, do you wanna feel moreconnected?
Do you wanna feel more sexy inyour body?
Do you wanna feel more, um,curious and playful?
Do you wanna feel less shame?
(12:09):
Do you wanna feel lessconstriction?
Do you wanna feel less pressure?
You know, what are the thingsthat you actually like?
Have a conversation about howyou wanna feel, and then
together you guys can explore,you know, how to, how to get
there, how the
Leah (12:25):
and that's where like a lot of nonverbal communication
and tactile communication cancome into play.
You know, it's not always aboutwords.
I think sometimes people can getreally stuck in their heads.
And if you don't know how youwanna be touched, you know, a
great thing to do with yourpartners is for your partners to
say, Hey.
Grip, take my hand and put itsomewhere on your body.
(12:47):
And then, and then you canactually, you know, you might
place their hand on the side ofyour neck.
You might place their hand onthe side of your hip.
You may place their hands, sothey're running their fingers
through your hair.
And it doesn't have to besexual.
It doesn't have to lead to sex,but that's a whole nother type
of communication where you areallowing yourself to feel the
presence of your partner'stouch.
(13:08):
And then as you feel into that,it might, and it feels nice,
then maybe take their hand andmove it to another location.
And you can also, um, use yourhand on your partner's skin and
then touch them the way you wantthem to touch you.
For instance, if you want themto shift how the pressure that
they're using, show them bytouching them.
(13:30):
The amount of pressure that youwant, because things like touch
me light or touch me slower,touch me faster.
Gimme a stronger grip.
They're all subjective whenwe're using language.
When you can show someonetactilely what you mean?
By changing how they're touchingyou.
They get it.
You gotta come up with a waythat allows them to get a win.
Willow (13:53):
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Well, let's, let's, um, kind ofshift into this routine sex
we've talked about, like thelack of novelty where things
just aren't that excitinganymore.
Not not being able tocommunicate well around
sexuality because it's, let'sface it, we, we, it's a embarra.
(14:15):
It can be a very embarrassing
Leah (14:17):
Yeah.
And
Willow (14:17):
shameful topic to even know what words to use.
And that's why we, you know, oneof the reasons we give you all
these amazing episodes is justto help you with the language,
just so that it, we're trying tojust normalize the conversation
of sex.
And I can't tell you how manypeople tell me about their sex
lives, that they don't talk toanyone else about friends and
(14:38):
clients and all the people youknow.
They're like, God, it is sorefreshing to be able to talk
about this with someone.
And I think if we can findsomeone that we feel comfortable
talking about it with, it alsogives us a lot more, um,
openness to be able to talkabout it with our partners.
So just find someone in yourlife that you can communicate
(15:01):
about sexuality with.
It doesn't have to be yourpartner right away, but it's
gonna open a, a gate for you totalk with your partner about it
more, and then.
Go ahead.
You wanna
Leah (15:11):
I was just gonna say, and you know when, if you are really
nervous about it and it doesmake you uncomfortable, and icky
sensations do arise in your bodywhen these conversations happen
and you dunno how to work withthat.
Start the conversation bysaying, I, I'm really
uncomfortable, but I think thisconversation's important and I'm
kind of scared to talk about itbecause I get this feeling in my
(15:34):
stomach and I really just needyour help.
And this is sensitive for me.
Will you be here for me and canwe get better at this together?
Would you be willing to havethis kind of conversation with
me?
And if you've tried that and ithasn't really helped, the next
thing you do is write.
Willow (15:51):
Mm.
Leah (15:52):
Get it on paper, write your partner an email.
Maybe first you write yourselfan email and you have this
conversation more with yourself,and then you can write it with
your partner and you can say,this is still really hard for
me, so let's start this bywriting back and forth and work
our way up to talking about it.
Willow (16:09):
I love that.
I think that's gonna be superuseful for so many couples.
Absolutely.
Leah (16:14):
So routine.
Willow (16:15):
routine.
Routine
Leah (16:18):
I can certainly relate to this one.
Probably every long-termrelationship I've ever had has
gotten stuck in routine.
I think we find that go-toposition, uh, where everyone has
the best chances to come in.
So then that's our go-to andit's like, it's time efficient.
(16:38):
And for some reason it's justlike an easier get off.
And what I've noticed is likethat position could be really
hot in the beginning and superfun and ecstatic, and then it
becomes your go-to and the nextthing you know, like your
breaths are no longer synced upand you never open your eyes.
Your eyes are always closed'cause you're both off in your
own little erotic mind andyou're not really having a
(16:59):
shared experience.
Both of you are in your ownbodies reaching for that climax.
So I think what gets us stuck inroutine is the goal of an
orgasm,
Willow (17:11):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (17:12):
which is really hard to resist, frankly.
Willow (17:14):
I mean, yeah, I mean the, it's, it's great to have an
orgasm.
It's just if, if that's, ifthat's the only thing you're
looking at within the experienceof your sexuality, then you miss
a lot of possibility.
Leah (17:29):
Yeah, I think it's the quickest thing to shift then
probably anything else in aroutine is going, I'm not gonna
make our sex the goal of orgasm.
I'm gonna make the goal of oursex about love if I can make it
about love.
And here's the truth, you guys,if you make sex about love, the
orgasms follow and you don'teven have to think about it.
(17:52):
You don't have to go chasing theorgasm if you really make it
about intimacy.
I wanna connect with you then,and that doesn't have to be
like, I think sometimes coupleshear this, uh, especially.
You know, less new agey couples,um, and they're like, God, it's
so weird.
Like, I have to think aboutloving my partner.
Like, I just wanna get off,like, okay, hey, I, I get that.
But suspend that for a minute.
(18:13):
Think about it as like, fuelingyour partner.
Think about it as enliveningyourself.
Like, here's a chance for me toconnect my partner.
And both of us are likepurposely creating more
aliveness so that we can do lifeeven better.
Together.
And so that mindset shift can bereally dramatic.
And one of the ways that you candrop into that more easily is a
(18:35):
think about your heart whenyou're doing each other.
Look into each other's eyesperiodically.
Like if you could, and thismight be a stretch, but try to
like look into each other's eyesat least 50% of the time.
And if sometimes eye contact isa little tricky because you
might like feeling sensation maybe a little more elusive.
So then you close your eyes andyou bolster that sensation and
(18:57):
then you open them again.
And it's like you're giving yourpartner a feeling of the
sensation that's in your body byallowing that sensation to come
up to your eyes, and then you'resharing it with them.
Synchronizing your breath.
You know, these are all likesuper easy, super simple, um,
and just like the mindset shiftof going, I'm gonna fuck you.
So that you feel more alive thanyou've ever felt and then, and
(19:20):
then the pleasure just, itamplifies by itself.
No one has to go chasing.
There's no more.
Are we successful?
Did everybody come?
Willow (19:28):
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I think that, you know, getting,um, just different tools under
your belt, getting different,um, positions.
You know, the Kama Sutra.
Kama Sutra is filled with allkinds of different positions
and, you know.
(19:50):
We find these positions thatlike Exactly work for us to get
to orgasm.
And so we always go back tothose positions and we're not
saying throw those positionsout, we're saying, we're saying
add to them.
Yeah.
Leah (20:03):
Yeah.
Maybe wear a wig, you know, one
Willow (20:06):
yeah, yeah.
Do a little role play.
I mean, there's so many options.
I love hearing about coupleswho've been together for a long
time and they meet up at bar andpretend like they don't know
each other, you know?
Because think about like whenyou're first with someone for
the first time and you're justexploring their energy for the
first.
Like there's so there's noroutine, there's all novelty,
(20:27):
you know?
And like they are whoever youwant them to be, so they're
perfect in your eyes, you know?
'cause you don't really knowthem yet.
And, um, it's just, it's anopportunity to like, just
pretend again, like this is atotally new person.
And you know, in the wholeBuddhist tradition, there's
like, like look at life withthe, with the beginner's eye,
(20:49):
you know, come back to thecurious and the beginner's eye.
Where it's like, I don't knowanything about you.
If you head into a sexualexperience thinking I don't know
anything about you, even thoughwe've had sex for 15 years
straight.
Like I don't, I don't knowanything about what's going on.
'cause probably you don't know alot of what's going on in their
(21:10):
erotic mind.
You probably don't know a lotabout what could turn them on in
their bodies.
And so you get to just be like,wow, this person is brand new to
me.
And we were both, Leah and Italked with a couple recently
after our, um, last summit andthey were, I think they had been
together
Leah (21:26):
Yeah.
For 32 years, having the bestsex of
Willow (21:29):
Three kids in their older age, and they're like,
Leah (21:33):
In their seventies.
Willow (21:33):
a whole new marriage.
They were just like, it's likewe're married to someone.
Totally different now.
Leah (21:38):
Yeah.
I love that example.
Yeah.
It's like, I think we reallytake for granted that we think
we know everything about ourpartner and when you can, like
you said, it's like you look atyour partner with brand new
eyes.
I know there's more to discoverbecause we're always changing.
And a part of the routine is weget so stuck in the routine that
we forget to look at each othernew.
(21:59):
I think too, when it comes toroutine, like it can be having
sex in different rooms whenyou've only had sex in your bed
for the last 10, 20, 30 years,you know, try having sex.
Uh, Matt and I had sex.
Um, I was like brushing myteeth.
He was just getting outta theshower.
And the next thing you know, I'mbent over the sink.
And what was so fun about it isI could, we were, the mirror was
(22:22):
staged perfectly and it was sofricking hot.
Like, have closet sex, maybeyou've got kids or something.
Go lock yourself in the closet.
You know, all those clothes aregonna muffle the sound.
Do something like totallydifferent.
Um, have sex somewhere else.
Willow (22:40):
Have sex outside.
Ooh, risky.
Leah (22:42):
Now here's part of like the paradox, because one of the
things you'll always hear sexexperts recommend is get your
sex on a schedule.
Long-term relationships if youdo not get sex on a schedule,
you won't have sex.
So you gotta treat it like animportant business meeting, and
I really recommend that.
(23:04):
I think spontaneous sex is sooverrated.
Um, and because it's like it hasto, you have to feel it and
then, oh, guess what yourpartner has to feel it.
Rarely does anyone feel like itat the same time,
Willow (23:14):
Do you guys have it on a schedule?
Leah (23:16):
yes.
Sometimes we do have it onschedule, sometimes we don't.
Uh, but I'll tell you, when wemake the point of having it on
schedule, we have more sex.
Willow (23:23):
It's better.
Yeah.
You have
Leah (23:24):
Totally and it's better.
And that's where you can reallyplan to get out of the routine.
I've got a date at four o'clock,so let's do something.
Uh, we're gonna start it offwith giving each other massages
instead of just getting her,getting it done.
Um, I'm gonna start it byundressing him.
I never undress him.
You know, we just both take offour clothes.
(23:44):
Um, I'm gonna, you know, it'sseven o'clock, the kids our way
and it's summertime.
I'm gonna take a blanket outsidein the backyard and maybe I'll
get a tent so no one can see.
I mean, there's, there's so manythings that you can do to break
routine when you have it on aschedule.
And what's fun is you can go,okay, I'll plan this week, you
plan next week.
Willow (24:04):
Ah, I love
Leah (24:05):
see how you can kind of make it special for each other.
Willow (24:09):
That's so fun.
Okay, so, so many ways to getover routine.
Let's talk about, um, anotherissue that gets in the way and
creates a boring sex life, whichis just like underlying
relationship issues, powerstruggles, old traumas,
resentments, just,
Leah (24:27):
The biggie.
Willow (24:27):
you know, the, the, and also like.
Apathy, like lack of, you know,just like your partners lay,
they lay around and fart andburp and like, what's sexy about
that?
You know?
Leah (24:39):
right.
We're just so used to eachother, those, those relationship
issues, it's it.
The problem with relationshipissues that are unresolved is
that we stop trusting eachother, and probably worse than
that, we stop trustingourselves.
Willow (24:54):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (24:55):
We stop trusting that we can come up with solutions that
work for both of us.
We stopped trusting that we'regonna enjoy it.
Um, we stop showing up for it.
We blow it off.
We have fights that were neverresolved.
We just gave up because wecouldn't get anywhere.
All of that ends up harming thedesire for intimacy with our
(25:18):
partner.
And that's one of the, I mean,those relationship issues get in
way of the loving, it gets inthe way of being interested in
our partner.
Willow (25:30):
Yeah.
Leah (25:31):
And one of the things that I think can really help that is,
um, you connecting to yourhigher self.
You imagine your partner isconnected to their higher self,
and then you speak to each otherfrom your higher selves, not
necessarily from your woundedtrigger parts.
And so if you can put yourattention on your partner's
(25:52):
higher self, and you can putyour attention on your higher
self when you're having sex,your higher selves are the ones
who are leading you into thismore transcendent sexual
experience.
And when we can have moretranscendent, even more
spiritual sex, it ends uphealing a lot of that
Willow (26:09):
of the relationship issues.
Yes, it's so true.
It's like when you, this is veryclassic Chinese medicine too.
It's like when somebody's comingto you and they're, you know,
having, uh, an issue with theirliver or an issue with their
skin or some kind of autoimmuneissue or whatever, we wanna look
for what is not, what's notfunctioning, but we wanna look
(26:33):
for what is functioning in thebody and then we wanna fortify
that, you know, we wanna givemore qi and more blood flow and
more movement to the thing thatis our, to all the things that
are already working.
And so it's the same thing inour relationships.
Like we, in our sexuality, wewanna look for the places that
are working and put more focus,put more emphasis on those, and
(26:56):
basically all the good thenpushes out the bad.
Like there's no more space forthe bad and we
Leah (27:02):
Mm.
Willow (27:02):
let things go.
We can just release the traumas,release the triggers, release
the infidelities release, allthe things that, that we're,
that we're holding onto in ourbodies.
I think that's one of the thingsthat Leah and I have been
seeing, Leah's been seeing for20 plus years, you know, and
I've been seeing, um, morerecently in working with people
(27:24):
hands-on one-on-one to really,um, show them how incredible
their bodies are and how muchtheir, um, their pleasure can
heal their old shit.
And it doesn't matter what thatold shit was anymore.
You don't have to talk throughit and talk therapy.
You don't have to work throughit anymore.
(27:45):
It's just out of your tissues.
It's out of your body and you'redone with it
Leah (27:49):
Yeah.
One of the best exercises,Willow, and I can play this
exercise so you guys can get afeeling for it, is the bubble.
And the bubble is when you andyour partner come together and
you kind of do, you have to dothe hand movements, I'm sorry,
they're kind of dorky, but.
Willow (28:04):
to do
Leah (28:04):
You have to do them.
'cause it's what creates themagic.
So you both kind of bring yourarms up and you imagine like,
here's our bubble.
And you make the shape of likeyour arms are making a circular
shape up above your head andyou're like, this bed is our
bubble and we each have a momentto take anything we want out of
the bubble and to put goodthings in the bubble so that
your intimacy.
(28:25):
You're taking things that aren'tgonna get in the way.
It's great.
It's like a way to get yourtriggers out of your intimate
space and then to like give youall the good things so you each
have a turn.
I'll go first and we're gonnatake out things that we don't
want in our bubble.
So I take my hand like as if I'mgoing into the center of the
bubble, and then it's like Ipluck that thing and I take it
(28:46):
out of the bubble and I throw itoutta the bubble.
So for instance, I'm gonna takeout my self-consciousness.
I am gonna take out, um, myshame.
I'm gonna take out judgments.
I'm gonna take out my innercritic.
I'm gonna take out the affair Ihad 12 years ago that hurt us so
(29:08):
much.
I'm gonna take out not trustingmyself.
I'm gonna take out my dad'sfucking rules.
What the fuck are you stilldoing in here?
Out of my sex life.
Thank you very much.
And I'm gonna take outself-loathing and now it's
willow's turn.
Willow (29:24):
I'm gonna take out my stress.
I'm gonna take out my overwhelm.
I'm gonna take out my fatigue.
I'm gonna take out, um, my hurtfrom the past.
I'm gonna take out myheartbreak.
I'm gonna take out myunwillingness.
(29:45):
gonna take out my judgment.
I'm gonna take out my um, uh,yeah, criticisms.
I'm gonna take out my lack oftrust in you.
I'm gonna take out my lack oftrust in me.
Leah (30:03):
Beautiful.
And now we get a chance to putthings in.
So now I'm gonna kind of reachout out here and I'm gonna put
things into the bubble with myhand.
So I'm gonna put in my highpriestess.
I'm gonna put in laughter, I'mgonna put in curiosity, I'm
gonna put in the love of ourpets.
(30:23):
I'm gonna put in the love of myfather.
I'm gonna put in my love foryou.
I'm gonna put in goodcommunication.
I'm gonna put in, we both win.
I'm gonna put in my juiciness,I'm gonna put in orgasms, I'm
gonna put in arousal.
(30:45):
I'm gonna put in transcendentspiritual sacred energy.
Willow (30:51):
Mm, good ones.
I'm gonna put all that shit in
Leah (30:54):
Nice.
Willow (30:57):
I'll take all of that too.
And then I'm gonna put in, um,curiosity.
I wanna put in presence.
I wanna put in um, erotic levelsbeyond what I've ever explored
before.
I wanna put in the beauty ofnature.
I wanna put in, um, new levelsof, of consciousness through our
(31:23):
rapture.
I wanna put in, um, positionsI've never gotten into before.
I wanna put in, uh, deeperlevels of connection than I've
felt with you before.
Leah (31:37):
Nice.
And then we both just bask andlike, wow, I feel so much
Willow (31:41):
Yeah.
It's so much.
I feel better.
Uh,
Leah (31:43):
Right.
Don't you feel lighter?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You ready to throw down?
Um, but it's amazing how muchthat clears, especially when
you've already, you're alreadykind of coming into this thing
like, okay, we scheduled thisand I have to do it, and but you
really fucking pissed me offyesterday and you're still
holding onto it.
And so to be able to clear thatand you will be really, really
(32:04):
amazed.
How much better you feel likeinstantaneously.
So take a pregnant pauseafterward and bask in how you've
made a shift and then like bewith your partner in that shift
and soften like this is such abeautiful moment of like
softening, like That's right.
I love you.
(32:25):
You're one of my favorite peopleto hang out with.
I'm so glad I get to do thiswith you.
Willow (32:29):
How often do you and Matt do this actually.
Leah (32:31):
You know, we, I did it a lot more with previous partners
who I struggled with more.
Matt and I are pretty harmonic,so we don't carry a lot of pent
up resentment, so I do this morewith clients and couples than I
need to do it with Matt, thoughit's a great reminder to just do
(32:54):
it anyways.
Because you don't have a lot ofshit between each other to
co-create a more fertile field
Willow (33:01):
But it's als.
Yeah, it's so good.
And it's also just like lettinggo.
Maybe even not necessarilytaking stuff out between the two
of you, but just your own stuff,you know, so that you can clear
your own vessel and be moreready to receive love and
arousal and rapture.
Leah (33:19):
It's such a good point.
In fact, I think it'd be reallyfun for you and I to do this
before business meetings, beforeplanning,
Willow (33:24):
Oh, let's do that.
Leah (33:26):
do, I've been noticing, I've been experiencing a lot of
shame lately in just how pricklyI can be, and I really don't
wanna be a prickly person.
wants to be around a pricklyperson.
You know, people walk around,eggshells around a prickly
person.
You never know what you're gonnaget.
They can be moody and I, and I'mreally afraid of that side of
myself.
And as I get older, I'm reallylike, I'm afraid that I'm gonna
(33:48):
get more and more rigid.
And I'm thinking about likeneuroplasticity and how do I
increase the neuroplasticityinside of me when I don't feel
like I always have control overmy little, you know?
And so I think this is a great.
So, we'll, you guys we're gonna
Willow (34:04):
Use it in your sex life.
Use it in your business life.
Leah (34:08):
that's right.
Willow (34:09):
it.
We were, we will start thejourney and report back and let
you know
Leah (34:13):
What, you know what's interesting?
This is a great segue becauseour, our last thing to talk
about when it comes to boringsex is age in life changes.
And
Willow (34:22):
Ah, yeah,
Leah (34:23):
like I am in one of those seasons of changes.
Willow (34:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
And you know, when you're, whenyou're in a relationship,
long-term relationship, uh,it's, you know, hormones start
to decline.
I mean, your capacity, yourmental capacity starts to
decline.
Brain fog is a real fuckingthing.
You can't remember what you weregonna tell your partner, you
(34:47):
know,
Leah (34:47):
story of my life right
Willow (34:49):
in the middle of a sentence, you
Leah (34:50):
Right, right.
Um,
Willow (34:53):
peptides help with that, by the way, y'all.
But anyway, um, and, andhormones.
So hormone replacement therapy,and for some of you who are not
ready to go that route, there'stons of herbs too, bacopa for
the brain.
I mean, there's so many herbsto, to help you with your, um,
with your mental clarity andwith your, with your hormones
balance.
But it's like, I think alsoanother thing that happens as
(35:15):
we're aging is our bodies arechanging and we don't, we don't
have the same sort of confidencethat we used to have.
Like, oh, my tits are a littleagger and my arms are a little
more wrinkled.
And you know, like all thesethings.
And, and we, there's so muchemphasis put on y young, being
beautiful.
That it's hard for us to see thebeauty in us as we age.
(35:38):
And so.
Leah (35:39):
I mean, you think
Willow (35:40):
share that with your partner, you know, on a very
consistent, regular basis.
Like, I love your crow's feet.
They're gorgeous.
Like they make your eyes sparkle10 times more.
Bring'em on, you know, whateverit is.
Leah (35:51):
I love the way your stretch marks feel.
I don't have to look at them.
I can feel them and I love thetexture of them.
Um, and when we're looking atlike stages, it's like those
people who are having childrenfor the first time and they're
busy with their careers andwanting to reach success and,
and some financial security, andthen they're having babies and
how babies suck the sexual lifeout of you.
(36:12):
You have to come up with thingsthat are gonna enliven your
energy again.
And then as we get older.
Women feel like the, betweentheir hormones, like you
mentioned, vaginal tearing, lackof lubrication, men, their
penises can get hard, but theycan't stay hard.
And like all the embarrassmentwith that and, and what that
really forces us to do, again,comes back to creativity and
(36:32):
realizing that we get verynarrow minded when we think that
all sex is penetration.
There are so many ways to haveecstasy.
There are so many ways to have adeep, deep, fulfilling intimacy
and connection.
And when all we think of sex iswhether or not we're successful
or not, it's getting a dick intoa pussy.
(36:53):
We are really missing the mark.
We are leaving so much pleasureon the table, and so we all need
to broaden our definition oforgasm and our definition of
pleasure and our definition ofsex.
Because if I were to identify,if I were to say, what is
orgasm?
I would say it's energy inmovement that feels pleasurable.
(37:14):
That means like maybe you'renaked and you're pressed up
against each other and you arelaughing
Willow (37:19):
Laughing gams are really good gams.
You guys, they're so, they'realmost better than orgasms
almost.
Leah (37:27):
Yeah, yeah, they're right up there.
You can peak experiences bygenerating joy between each
other and really loving eachother's company, and so be way
more creative on how you reachpleasure.
It doesn't always require a hardpenis.
Thank you very much.
There's some orgasms women canhave without your erection, and
(37:48):
you should find out where theyare and how to do them.
Willow (37:51):
Absolutely.
They're fun.
Fun, fun.
Leah (37:53):
Yeah, and then get medical support.
Like Dr.
Willow is a great example ofsomebody who can help you with
your hormones.
She can help you with peptides.
She can give you the best herbsthat are going to give you more
vitality.
And that's really one of themain functions of sex is to
increase our vitality.
So when we stripped down.
(38:14):
Because we're getting naked.
We're not just getting nakedskin to skin, though that's
really, really important.
We're getting naked soul tosoul, and that's the, the one of
the purest forms of whatsexuality gives us as a gift in
our life is having those momentswhere we are encountering each
other kind of at the most,stripped down, the most raw,
(38:34):
hopefully the most playful.
Willow (38:37):
Yeah, it's, it's a beautiful opportunity to get to
know yourself even deeper.
Leah (38:43):
And you know, as age, like when we think about it from an
aging perspective, this is theplayground where you finally
reach it.
You are an adult.
They let you have sex now.
You know, think of all the sexyou wish you could have had when
you were younger, you know?
And everyone's telling you, no,no, no, no.
No one's telling you no anymore.
Everyone is saying yes, yes,yes, yes.
(39:04):
So why are you telling yourselfno?
Willow (39:06):
Yeah.
You know, I don't know why thisis making me think of, of this,
but it's like, I think there'salso something about claiming
what you want in your sexuality.
Like I'm thinking about some ofthe, the divorced men that I
coach, and you know, they,they've been in sexless
marriages for a long time andthey're.
But they're sexual beings andthey, and then they're like, ah,
now I'm out of the marriage, butI don't know what to do with all
(39:28):
the sexuality.
How do I even navigate it?
And, and for, you know, I'mthinking like, for a man to
claim, like I just wanna be likea bit of a slut for a while, you
know, like I just wanna go playthe field.
Like to claim that that's okay.
Like you can, if that's what youwant there's nothing bad or
wrong about
Leah (39:46):
people out there who will
Willow (39:47):
Who want that.
Yeah.
They're like, great.
That's what I want too.
And so it's about like gettingvery clear about what you want.
Let's say you're in a long-termrelationship and, and marriage
and, and maybe, you know, thesex hasn't been there and just
claiming what you want.
Like, I want to get into kinkand BDSM, I want to explore that
realm and, and if your partnercan't meet you or match you
(40:09):
there at least they have, youhave the clarity that will allow
them to find hopefully their ownclarity so that you guys can
find a common ground.
'cause it doesn't really matterwhat the disparity is, there's
always a common ground.
Um, and cl and having, havingyour own clarity is the first
step to that.
Leah (40:29):
I love that you brought that up.
Being able to, and in a shamefree.
And this takes practice ofgetting shame free around your
desires of being able to claimthem without guilt and without
shame, and then to pursue them.
That takes courage.
It takes self-reflection.
It takes honesty.
(40:51):
It takes trusting yourself.
It's great fodder to work with acoach or a therapist on so that
you can own it and it, you gottaexcavate some of that stuff to
discover what is.
What is that?
Yeah, I wanna be dominated, youknow?
Um, how do you find someone whoyou can do that with?
How do you negotiate that inyour relationship?
And sometimes we're not meant tostay in a relationship.
(41:15):
Sometimes we're in arelationship for a season in our
life.
We come together to have kids orwe come together.
You know, for this, you know,five years or seven years or two
years, and then it's time foryour next teacher, and we don't
have to hate each other to getover each other.
We can kind of bow and say,thank you teacher, and move on
along your path and wish thatperson well.
So it's also okay to find we'rereally not a sexual fit and this
(41:40):
is a very important part of mylife and I wanna find someone
who this is easier with.
Um, it's a hard choice to make,but it is oftentimes the right
choice to make.
So, you know, whatever that's
Willow (41:52):
much.
Yeah, it opens up so much.
It's gonna be so liberating.
Um.
Leah (41:56):
So those are our five, um,
Willow (41:59):
five top obstacles reasons that sex gets boring.
Let's talk a little bit aboutthe solutions.
Some of,
Leah (42:06):
them like we got.
Lack of novelty, lack ofcommunication, routine,
relationship issues, and age andlife changes.
And then we wanna give you somemore solutions.
Willow (42:18):
And some of these solutions we've already been
touch, touching on and talkingabout, like communicating
openly, talking about yourfantasies, your
Leah (42:26):
Try new things.
Willow (42:27):
Even if you, even if you're not sure of like, oh, I
heard Dr.
Willow talk about pegging a man,I have no idea.
That doesn't appeal to me atall, but the conversation was
interesting.
You know, like just talkingabout what you hear in other
places, um, bringing, justconversation like, you know,
just, wow.
(42:48):
Hmm.
I wonder what that would belike.
You know, just wondering andjust, you don't have to do
anything you don't wanna do,ever.
Leah (42:55):
I, speaking of this very thing, I was, uh, listening to
another podcast and, um, it waswith an author who wrote a book
about women's fantasies and abunch of women mailed in their
fantasies.
And one of the things that tookher by surprise was this
infantile diaper type offantasies.
And, and as the conversationwent on, what really illuminated
(43:17):
for me is, you know, when youhave that infantile thing, like
imagine someone's taking care ofyou and you don't have to be in
control, right?
It's like you pee in a diaperand you don't have to do
anything.
You know?
And it's not necessarily thewhatever you're kinking on, it's
like, wow, making sense ofsomeone's taking care of me,
someone's cleaning me up,someone's caring for me.
(43:40):
Um, I don't have to make anydecisions.
There's no responsibility.
I wanna go back where I'munconditionally loved.
And I'm care taken.
I was like, oh, that makes a lotof sense.
Now, why someone may crave that.
I had never put that togethersimply because I couldn't
connect to it.
But when you look at differentkinks from that lens, it's like,
(44:03):
oh, sure, that's really sweet.
It's sweet to be nurtured.
It's sweet to not have to make adecision, uh, all of a sudden.
That makes sense, and you couldnever get there.
If you never have theconversation.
If you're never open-mindedenough to talk about those
things that you hear about likepegging,
Willow (44:20):
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Now, what would we say, becausepegging is extreme, but like
what would we say to somebodywho's like, okay, I just, I have
no idea how to even like bringup the topic about sex, or, I'm
so uncomfortable talking aboutanything related to sexuality.
(44:41):
Maybe there's religious shameand guilt on top of it all.
Like how, how does somebodywho's just like,
Leah (44:49):
You start there.
Willow (44:50):
I don't even have a clue, like how do they start?
Leah (44:52):
That's what they say.
I don't
Willow (44:54):
I don't even have a clue.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (44:55):
don't even know where to begin, but I'm willing to find
out.
Willow (44:59):
Uhhuh.
Leah (44:59):
That's the key is I feel really stuck here.
I'm really scared when I startthinking about talking about
sexuality.
I feel really icky.
Okay.
Where do you feel it.
Yeah, just be with that feeling.
Feel the grief of that.
You know, feel the part, talkabout the part of like how you
wish it was easier for you.
(45:20):
Let somebody hold your hand asyou just kind of feel the
stuckness.
And if you can sit with that andbe with that for a few breaths,
I think you'll find that it'llstart to lift.
And you know, it's really likeit's just getting started.
It's like owning where you're atand being vulnerable and honest.
Willow (45:38):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (45:39):
And see where it takes you.
What do you think?
Willow (45:42):
I think that's good advice.
Definitely.
Um, just talking about like howit feels inside of your body,
like what's the sensation of ofthe resistance that you have,
you know, where does thatresistance live in your body?
I think going into the
Leah (46:02):
Into the body.
Willow (46:04):
around where you feel stuck and where you feel
shameful or, or embarrassed totalk
Leah (46:10):
Yeah.
And then put your hands in theplace that feels uncomfortable,
like you're holding that placewith care.
Willow (46:17):
yeah,
Leah (46:18):
Um, I think the other thing, yeah, go ahead.
Willow (46:21):
Well, I was just gonna say, and then kind of identify
what are the emotions that arethere, you know, is you said
grief.
Yeah.
Sometimes grief, sometimesanger,
Leah (46:29):
Yeah.
Willow (46:30):
um,
Leah (46:31):
was thinking fear, like, I'm really afraid if I say
anything, you'll be grossed out.
I'm really afraid if I, if Ispeak any of this, you'll think
I'm a slut.
I'm afraid if I say any of this,God's gonna be mad at me.
You know, like whatever you'reafraid of, start to name like,
what's the worst thing thatcould happen to you if you were
to talk openly and honestlyabout your desires?
(46:54):
Free yourself from keeping thaton the inside by saying it out
loud.
Willow (46:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like this really is, inmy mind, it's good for your
health.
You know, it's good forlongevity.
Like it's gonna clear stagnationof energetic emotions out of
your body that could causedis-ease, you know, or probably
is causing disease.
So move it along.
Leah (47:16):
and you know, it's interesting when we study
Tantra, so much of the Tantrapractices are actually a
purification process.
It's using your touch and yourbreath and your sound and your
communication to move that whichis stuck, to move that which is
fear, shame, and guilt, and getit out of your system so that
you can run the energy of loveand bliss and, um, those things
(47:38):
that are freeing.
And you deserve to be liberated.
It's kind of one of the things alot of people come into a body
to discover, so how about you?
Willow (47:46):
It's your birthright.
You get to be liberated, andit's such a better life to live
being freed up.
I'm telling you.
Go for it.
Just start.
Leah (47:55):
you know, we, um, we've really talked so much about,
we'll just kind of run throughthis list of things that, um,
will revitalize your sex life.
And we've gone into details onmany of them, which is
communicate openly, try newthings, be spontaneous,
prioritize intimacy, addressyour relationship issues, be
(48:16):
open to vulnerability,experiment and adapt.
Experiment, make those littleshifts and then adapt to the
things that you like.
I think the thing maybe wehaven't addressed really
directly, unlike some of theseother things on the list, is be
open to vulnerability.
What do you wanna say aboutthat?
Willow (48:33):
Oh, vulnerability is one of the keys to good intimacy,
and you absolutely have to doit.
And it's also one of thescariest things about intimacy
because the word itselftranslates to woundable.
If listened to our podcast,you've heard us say that many
times.
And so yeah, you could get hurt,but that's why it's so deep.
That's why vulnerability createssuch epic intimacy.
(48:56):
Because it's a risk.
You're taking a risk.
If you stay in the risk-freezone where everything's safe and
comfortable all the time, yourwhole life, you're not gonna
grow.
You're not gonna evolve.
That's boring.
Yeah.
If you're always in risk.
Phase, that's you're gonna burnyour adrenals out, you know?
So you gotta have a balance.
(49:17):
You gotta have a balance.
And, and, and I feel likeintimacy, vulnerability with an
intimacy is a really sweet placeto, um, to explore what vulner
taking a risk.
Leah (49:29):
it's where the honeypot is.
Willow (49:31):
yeah.
And like, it's so very rare thatyou're like, oh my God, I'm so
nervous to tell you this.
I'm so embarrassed.
Or I'm so, you know, scared toshare this fantasy that I have
with you, or this old traumathat I'm still carrying, or
whatever it is that you wannashare.
But when you preface it likethat, I'm so nervous, or I'm so
(49:52):
scared.
The other person's nervoussystem just softens and opens
Leah (49:57):
Yeah,
Willow (49:58):
and they're just more ready to be with whatever your
truth is.
Leah (50:03):
I think also saying I'm, I'm scared to share this with
you.
Please be gentle with me.
I am worried you might judge me.
I want my desires to be safewith you.
This is not a request to act outmy fantasy.
This is a request for me to feelcloser to you and for me to
share things that I'm afraid toshare.
But I trust you and I love you,and I just need you to be really
(50:24):
gentle as you listen.
Willow (50:25):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (50:26):
Let the person know they don't have to do anything with
your share.
They just need to be with you.
Willow (50:32):
Right.
Leah (50:32):
that'll be so fulfilling and you'll be, you'll feel
closer to each other.
I think too, when it comes tovulnerability, what's more
vulnerable than getting naked?
It's, it's ironic, right?
Or maybe not that these twothings all come together.
Willow (50:45):
Absolutely.
Okay, well we hope you likedthat episode on Boring Sex.
We're now coming to you fromPortugal.
Hey everyone, we just finishedour incredible retreat in
Greece.
It was so profound and sopowerful and amazing and, uh,
you may have noticed that weended this last episode rather
abruptly because, uh, Leah had acoaching call, I believe, and so
(51:09):
we just wanted to, you know,follow up with like don't have
boring sex in your life.
Yeah.
To kind of wrap it up a littlemore smoothly.
So as you know, what makes theshow better is your comments,
you entering the discussion, yousharing your ideas, you sharing
your struggles, and you sharingyour breakthroughs so that we
can all learn from each other.
(51:30):
So do us a favor, please like,subscribe and comment about this
episode right into us we love toshare what people share with us
on air.
And so, uh, please send us yourthoughts, your feelings.
Love, love, love, love, love,love.
Okay.
Announcer (51:46):
Thanks for tuning in.
This episode was hosted byTantric Sex Master Coach and
positive psychology facilitator,Leah Piper, as well as by
Chinese and Functional Medicinedoctor and Taoist Taxology
teacher, Dr.
Willow Brown.
Don't forget your comments, likesubscribes and suggestions
matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
Ever feel like your sex life has gone from fireworks to
lukewarm candles?
You're definitely not alone.
On today's episode of SexReimagine, we're counting down
the top five reasons sex getsboring, and more importantly,
how to reignite the spark,reclaim your desire, and make
every encounter feel electricagain.
(00:26):
So get ready to uncover whatmight be sneaking in between you
and your pleasure.
I'm Dr.
Willa Brown.
I'm here with the one and onlyLeah Piper, and we are sex
reimagined.
Leah (00:38):
So tune in, turn on, and fall in love with us, Leah and
Willow.
Announcer (00:44):
Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is
shame-free and pleasure forward.
Let's get into the show.
Leah (00:54):
Sex gets boring,
Willow (00:56):
It sure does.
It's such a bummer when thathappens, but it does happen to
all of us, to the best of us.
It's just one of those thingswhere you start to, you know,
find your little groove and thenyou stick with your groove
because that groove works, andbefore you know it, you're in a
ditch and you just can't findyour way out.
Leah (01:17):
You know, unfortunately sex does get boring after a
while.
Sometimes it's because you'rewith the same partner for years
and years and years.
Other times it's, you know,maybe you're just not very good
at bed.
No, that can't be it.
Willow (01:33):
Oh my goodness.
Yeah, sex can get very routine.
It can get very boring, I think.
Um, I think one of the reasonsfor this is just because we have
orgasm as the, as the goal ofsex.
And if we take orgasm off thetable, lots more creativity
starts to flow, which we'realways talking about.
But, um.
But when we, you know, take theopportunity to, to look at like,
(01:57):
what is boring about it?
Is it because we've done it amillion times in that position,
or we, we always do it in thatroom, or we always do it at that
time of day?
You know, it, it could just bevery simple changes and you
could still keep the sameposition or you can keep the
same, you know, place in thehouse, but share another layer
(02:18):
of what's going on for yousexually with your partner.
To make it more novel, let'stalk about these five reasons
that sex gets boring,
Leah (02:27):
Well, yeah, so you know, I kind of said in jest, maybe it's
just'cause you're not a verygood lover, but the truth is,
many of us aren't.
Many of us were.
None of us were taught how to bea skillful lover.
Some people luck out and they'rejust kinda wired for some
curiosity and they practice andthey're so interested in the
(02:48):
topic that they really spendtime learning about it.
Other people never learn aboutit because they're shy or
uncomfortable or insecure orlack of opportunity.
That's why novelty is soimportant.
We're reaching for things thatfeel different so we don't get
stuck.
So sometimes that means beingmore creative.
Uh, you know, a lack of noveltyis getting stuck in a rut.
(03:12):
Repeated positions or the samesexual activities, or the same
toys, like how many of you havebeen using the same vibrator for
the last.
5,
Willow (03:23):
10 years.
Leah (03:24):
years, I mean, guilty.
Um, and not to say that youshouldn't use the one that's
tried and true, but let me tellyou, there are some new toys on
the market
Willow (03:34):
There's a world of good toys.
Leah (03:37):
much advancement in the world of toys and in the world
of also like.
Getting more blood to thetissue, you know, whether that's
a, a vulva or a penis.
There's so much great technologyout there.
In fact, uh, we did a greatepisode I think it was episode 1
32, um, the creator of MysteryVibe.
Willow (03:59):
yeah, Dr.
So sheet,
Leah (04:01):
Yeah, I'm sorry, episode 1 42.
Willow (04:04):
1 42.
Go check it out.
You will want to learn from thisman.
He's kind of a genius andcreated a whole line of really
phenomenal toys.
Some of which Leah and I havebeen test running for all of
you, and, uh, we, we highlyrecommend.
So the Poco is super fun.
The Tenuto is super fun.
All of his, um, vibrators arenamed after the crescendo.
(04:28):
They're named after.
Um, what, like musical notes?
Leah (04:32):
Um, yeah.
So novelty.
What are some of the things thatyou've tried in the past five
years?
In the name of novelty, Willow?
Willow (04:40):
I mean, wow, you really wanna hear...
Leah (04:43):
fuck yeah.
Everyone wants
Willow (04:44):
oh my God, I've done so many things you guys that I
never, ever thought I would do.
Like really, um, fun and playfuland exciting things.
So definitely have gotten moreinto, um, you know, multiple
partners, play parties, uh,being watched, watching others.
(05:07):
Um, pegging men.
Never thought I would do that.
I don't get a lot of get off onit, but I find it interesting.
You know, I find it veryfascinating
Leah (05:16):
cool to watch them get off
Willow (05:17):
Yeah, exactly.
And it, and it kind of gives youa different relationship to
being penetrated, you know, by aman when you're penetrating a
man.
And some men just love theyhave, you know, it's not
necessarily gay thing.
There's just a lot of nerveendings up in there and they
just love the sensation and theyhave phenomenal orgasms.
I mean, I have played withswings, sex swings, um, you
(05:43):
know, my fa all this stuff islike, it's novel for sure, and
it's fun, but like my, my mainget off is when I'm with a lover
that I'm deeply in love with andlike in those Tantric, intimate
moments where we're just in eachother's eyes and souls and eye
gazing.
You know, that's really, um,that's really what feeds and
(06:04):
nourishes me on a sexual level,uh, because I, I run more of
that energetic and sensual kindof blueprint more naturally.
But I would definitely say overthe past three years, I've
expanded quite a lot into thissexual blueprint, which is like,
give it to me.
Fuck me now.
You know?
And then I've also reallyexpanded in the last probably
(06:25):
one and a half to two years intothe kink and the, you know, sub
dom world.
And I tell you what, I'mimpressed with some of the Dom
sessions that I've run in myday, these past, you know,
couple of years.
So it, it's just, there's somuch.
There's so much beyond what wethink of as sex to play with,
and it's really just aboutgetting out of your own way, not
(06:48):
judging yourself and others andpicking up a, a crop and
spanking someone's ass andseeing what happens, you know?
Leah (06:55):
Yeah, and I think too, I think where a lot of people get
stuck in novelty is they trysomething once and then they sat
down and they say, oh, that'snever for me again, that's a
terrible way to look atsexuality.
Is to just go, well, I tried itfor a second and it's just not
for me.
Like you have to actually testsomething and then do little
corrections.
(07:15):
There's so much nuance when itcomes to sex and trying new
things that it's not about justtrying something once and
setting it down, it's tryingsomething and then having a
delicious conversation about thenuances of what worked for you
and what didn't work for you.
And if we were ever to try thisagain, maybe we would switch it
up here or do something a littlebit different there and maybe we
(07:36):
would try this.
And it's like, it's like you'recurating, you're allowing
yourself to have an experiencebeyond just like, yeah, well we
tried egg eye gazing.
It was awkward.
It's like, no, there's so muchmore that you can, you know,
explore.
So give it more than just oncechance, because a lot of times
(07:58):
people will go into noveltyusually because one person is
like really kind of starving forsomething different and new and
the other person is showing upfor it reluctantly.
Like, I don't really wanna dothis, you know?
And so you have to be able tolook inside of yourself and dig
in for that curiosity and reallymeet your partner with some
(08:18):
enthusiasm to discover morewithin yourself.
It's not just a gift you'regiving your partner by showing
up with some enthusiasm, even ifyou're the more reluctant one.
It's to actually go inside andgo, what can I discover about
myself?
That's the beauty of novelty.
It's giving yourself multipleexperiences and it's also okay
to go, Hey, we tried that a fewtimes.
(08:39):
Not really my jam, you know?
Okay, cool.
What's the next creative thingyou can engage in?
And it doesn't have to beextremes.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe BDSM, it could just be
something like, Hey, let'smassage each other before we
have sex.
Willow (08:53):
Mm-hmm.
Or, or let's go out somewherepublic.
Not have sex in public, but justlike start to get intimate in a,
in a, in a differentenvironment.
You know, like sitting, likeinstead of always being in your
bedroom at home or on yourcouch, in your living room, go
to the park, spread out ablanket and do some, you know,
(09:15):
eye gazing or, or breath work orjust like crawling around on
the, on the grass together andkind of getting into a more, um,
connected, primal state.
Leah (09:25):
you will never see me crawling around in the park.
Everybody.
I'm like, that's where
Willow (09:31):
never say never.
Leah (09:33):
no.
Um, but what, what I, what Ithink is really interesting
about what you, you're saying isthat a lot of couples.
Talk about their sexual problems
Willow (09:42):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (09:42):
the same place every single time and never get
anywhere.
And what I kinda love about whatyou're saying is like, have
those intimate conversationsmaybe somewhere else where
you're finding no solutions.
Get off the couch, go talk aboutit in the closet.
Go talk about it in the bathtub.
Willow (09:58):
well, and also.
Leah (09:58):
it outside.
Willow (09:59):
Talk about what you want, talk about your fantasies.
Don't just talk about the issue,like talk about something other
than the issue.
Talk about, um, what it would,what it would feel like and what
it would be like for you if youcould get out of the rut that
you're in, you know, if youcould, um, experience the kind
of sex that you, maybe you don'tknow how to get there or what it
(10:22):
is.
But if you could experience thekind of sex that we're always
talking about, how would thatfeel to you?
So go somewhere else outside ofyour normal environment and just
open up a conversation.
'Cause what happens is like, youknow, then a butterfly flies by
and you're like, oh, and it's,you know, just opens up
something inside of you.
Leah (10:42):
Yeah.
Which leads us, really, this isa beautiful segue to lack of
communication is one of thereasons why sex gets boring.
And I think that theconversation for me would be
totally different from sittingon the couch and talking about
that stressful conversationversus going to a nice cocktail
bar and having a reallybeautiful, yummy cocktail and
(11:04):
sitting down and I'm dressed upand me and my partner are now
really engaged looking at eachother.
I think a totally differentconversation is possible when we
get out of our normal placesand, and we'll find inspiration.
Like somehow a new solution mayoccur because you're not in sort
(11:25):
of honestly the safe littlebubble where you can just all
complain, I don't like this andI don't like that, and I wish
this was different.
Instead of going how, like yousaid, how do I get the sex that
I want and it's a really, it's areal challenge when you don't
know what the sex you want lookslike.
(11:46):
You just know you don't want thesex you're getting,
Willow (11:48):
Yeah.
And, and more importantly, likeidentifying what does it feel
like?
Like you might not know how toget there and you might not know
how to express that to yourpartner, but like, what is the
feeling that you wanna have?
You know, do you wanna feel moreconnected?
Do you wanna feel more sexy inyour body?
Do you wanna feel more, um,curious and playful?
Do you wanna feel less shame?
(12:09):
Do you wanna feel lessconstriction?
Do you wanna feel less pressure?
You know, what are the thingsthat you actually like?
Have a conversation about howyou wanna feel, and then
together you guys can explore,you know, how to, how to get
there, how the
Leah (12:25):
and that's where like a lot of nonverbal communication
and tactile communication cancome into play.
You know, it's not always aboutwords.
I think sometimes people can getreally stuck in their heads.
And if you don't know how youwanna be touched, you know, a
great thing to do with yourpartners is for your partners to
say, Hey.
Grip, take my hand and put itsomewhere on your body.
(12:47):
And then, and then you canactually, you know, you might
place their hand on the side ofyour neck.
You might place their hand onthe side of your hip.
You may place their hands, sothey're running their fingers
through your hair.
And it doesn't have to besexual.
It doesn't have to lead to sex,but that's a whole nother type
of communication where you areallowing yourself to feel the
presence of your partner'stouch.
(13:08):
And then as you feel into that,it might, and it feels nice,
then maybe take their hand andmove it to another location.
And you can also, um, use yourhand on your partner's skin and
then touch them the way you wantthem to touch you.
For instance, if you want themto shift how the pressure that
they're using, show them bytouching them.
(13:30):
The amount of pressure that youwant, because things like touch
me light or touch me slower,touch me faster.
Gimme a stronger grip.
They're all subjective whenwe're using language.
When you can show someonetactilely what you mean?
By changing how they're touchingyou.
They get it.
You gotta come up with a waythat allows them to get a win.
Willow (13:53):
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Well, let's, let's, um, kind ofshift into this routine sex
we've talked about, like thelack of novelty where things
just aren't that excitinganymore.
Not not being able tocommunicate well around
sexuality because it's, let'sface it, we, we, it's a embarra.
(14:15):
It can be a very embarrassing
Leah (14:17):
Yeah.
And
Willow (14:17):
shameful topic to even know what words to use.
And that's why we, you know, oneof the reasons we give you all
these amazing episodes is justto help you with the language,
just so that it, we're trying tojust normalize the conversation
of sex.
And I can't tell you how manypeople tell me about their sex
lives, that they don't talk toanyone else about friends and
(14:38):
clients and all the people youknow.
They're like, God, it is sorefreshing to be able to talk
about this with someone.
And I think if we can findsomeone that we feel comfortable
talking about it with, it alsogives us a lot more, um,
openness to be able to talkabout it with our partners.
So just find someone in yourlife that you can communicate
(15:01):
about sexuality with.
It doesn't have to be yourpartner right away, but it's
gonna open a, a gate for you totalk with your partner about it
more, and then.
Go ahead.
You wanna
Leah (15:11):
I was just gonna say, and you know when, if you are really
nervous about it and it doesmake you uncomfortable, and icky
sensations do arise in your bodywhen these conversations happen
and you dunno how to work withthat.
Start the conversation bysaying, I, I'm really
uncomfortable, but I think thisconversation's important and I'm
kind of scared to talk about itbecause I get this feeling in my
(15:34):
stomach and I really just needyour help.
And this is sensitive for me.
Will you be here for me and canwe get better at this together?
Would you be willing to havethis kind of conversation with
me?
And if you've tried that and ithasn't really helped, the next
thing you do is write.
Willow (15:51):
Mm.
Leah (15:52):
Get it on paper, write your partner an email.
Maybe first you write yourselfan email and you have this
conversation more with yourself,and then you can write it with
your partner and you can say,this is still really hard for
me, so let's start this bywriting back and forth and work
our way up to talking about it.
Willow (16:09):
I love that.
I think that's gonna be superuseful for so many couples.
Absolutely.
Leah (16:14):
So routine.
Willow (16:15):
routine.
Routine
Leah (16:18):
I can certainly relate to this one.
Probably every long-termrelationship I've ever had has
gotten stuck in routine.
I think we find that go-toposition, uh, where everyone has
the best chances to come in.
So then that's our go-to andit's like, it's time efficient.
(16:38):
And for some reason it's justlike an easier get off.
And what I've noticed is likethat position could be really
hot in the beginning and superfun and ecstatic, and then it
becomes your go-to and the nextthing you know, like your
breaths are no longer synced upand you never open your eyes.
Your eyes are always closed'cause you're both off in your
own little erotic mind andyou're not really having a
(16:59):
shared experience.
Both of you are in your ownbodies reaching for that climax.
So I think what gets us stuck inroutine is the goal of an
orgasm,
Willow (17:11):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (17:12):
which is really hard to resist, frankly.
Willow (17:14):
I mean, yeah, I mean the, it's, it's great to have an
orgasm.
It's just if, if that's, ifthat's the only thing you're
looking at within the experienceof your sexuality, then you miss
a lot of possibility.
Leah (17:29):
Yeah, I think it's the quickest thing to shift then
probably anything else in aroutine is going, I'm not gonna
make our sex the goal of orgasm.
I'm gonna make the goal of oursex about love if I can make it
about love.
And here's the truth, you guys,if you make sex about love, the
orgasms follow and you don'teven have to think about it.
(17:52):
You don't have to go chasing theorgasm if you really make it
about intimacy.
I wanna connect with you then,and that doesn't have to be
like, I think sometimes coupleshear this, uh, especially.
You know, less new agey couples,um, and they're like, God, it's
so weird.
Like, I have to think aboutloving my partner.
Like, I just wanna get off,like, okay, hey, I, I get that.
But suspend that for a minute.
(18:13):
Think about it as like, fuelingyour partner.
Think about it as enliveningyourself.
Like, here's a chance for me toconnect my partner.
And both of us are likepurposely creating more
aliveness so that we can do lifeeven better.
Together.
And so that mindset shift can bereally dramatic.
And one of the ways that you candrop into that more easily is a
(18:35):
think about your heart whenyou're doing each other.
Look into each other's eyesperiodically.
Like if you could, and thismight be a stretch, but try to
like look into each other's eyesat least 50% of the time.
And if sometimes eye contact isa little tricky because you
might like feeling sensation maybe a little more elusive.
So then you close your eyes andyou bolster that sensation and
(18:57):
then you open them again.
And it's like you're giving yourpartner a feeling of the
sensation that's in your body byallowing that sensation to come
up to your eyes, and then you'resharing it with them.
Synchronizing your breath.
You know, these are all likesuper easy, super simple, um,
and just like the mindset shiftof going, I'm gonna fuck you.
So that you feel more alive thanyou've ever felt and then, and
(19:20):
then the pleasure just, itamplifies by itself.
No one has to go chasing.
There's no more.
Are we successful?
Did everybody come?
Willow (19:28):
Mm-hmm.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
I think that, you know, getting,um, just different tools under
your belt, getting different,um, positions.
You know, the Kama Sutra.
Kama Sutra is filled with allkinds of different positions
and, you know.
(19:50):
We find these positions thatlike Exactly work for us to get
to orgasm.
And so we always go back tothose positions and we're not
saying throw those positionsout, we're saying, we're saying
add to them.
Yeah.
Leah (20:03):
Yeah.
Maybe wear a wig, you know, one
Willow (20:06):
yeah, yeah.
Do a little role play.
I mean, there's so many options.
I love hearing about coupleswho've been together for a long
time and they meet up at bar andpretend like they don't know
each other, you know?
Because think about like whenyou're first with someone for
the first time and you're justexploring their energy for the
first.
Like there's so there's noroutine, there's all novelty,
(20:27):
you know?
And like they are whoever youwant them to be, so they're
perfect in your eyes, you know?
'cause you don't really knowthem yet.
And, um, it's just, it's anopportunity to like, just
pretend again, like this is atotally new person.
And you know, in the wholeBuddhist tradition, there's
like, like look at life withthe, with the beginner's eye,
(20:49):
you know, come back to thecurious and the beginner's eye.
Where it's like, I don't knowanything about you.
If you head into a sexualexperience thinking I don't know
anything about you, even thoughwe've had sex for 15 years
straight.
Like I don't, I don't knowanything about what's going on.
'cause probably you don't know alot of what's going on in their
(21:10):
erotic mind.
You probably don't know a lotabout what could turn them on in
their bodies.
And so you get to just be like,wow, this person is brand new to
me.
And we were both, Leah and Italked with a couple recently
after our, um, last summit andthey were, I think they had been
together
Leah (21:26):
Yeah.
For 32 years, having the bestsex of
Willow (21:29):
Three kids in their older age, and they're like,
Leah (21:33):
In their seventies.
Willow (21:33):
a whole new marriage.
They were just like, it's likewe're married to someone.
Totally different now.
Leah (21:38):
Yeah.
I love that example.
Yeah.
It's like, I think we reallytake for granted that we think
we know everything about ourpartner and when you can, like
you said, it's like you look atyour partner with brand new
eyes.
I know there's more to discoverbecause we're always changing.
And a part of the routine is weget so stuck in the routine that
we forget to look at each othernew.
(21:59):
I think too, when it comes toroutine, like it can be having
sex in different rooms whenyou've only had sex in your bed
for the last 10, 20, 30 years,you know, try having sex.
Uh, Matt and I had sex.
Um, I was like brushing myteeth.
He was just getting outta theshower.
And the next thing you know, I'mbent over the sink.
And what was so fun about it isI could, we were, the mirror was
(22:22):
staged perfectly and it was sofricking hot.
Like, have closet sex, maybeyou've got kids or something.
Go lock yourself in the closet.
You know, all those clothes aregonna muffle the sound.
Do something like totallydifferent.
Um, have sex somewhere else.
Willow (22:40):
Have sex outside.
Ooh, risky.
Leah (22:42):
Now here's part of like the paradox, because one of the
things you'll always hear sexexperts recommend is get your
sex on a schedule.
Long-term relationships if youdo not get sex on a schedule,
you won't have sex.
So you gotta treat it like animportant business meeting, and
I really recommend that.
(23:04):
I think spontaneous sex is sooverrated.
Um, and because it's like it hasto, you have to feel it and
then, oh, guess what yourpartner has to feel it.
Rarely does anyone feel like itat the same time,
Willow (23:14):
Do you guys have it on a schedule?
Leah (23:16):
yes.
Sometimes we do have it onschedule, sometimes we don't.
Uh, but I'll tell you, when wemake the point of having it on
schedule, we have more sex.
Willow (23:23):
It's better.
Yeah.
You have
Leah (23:24):
Totally and it's better.
And that's where you can reallyplan to get out of the routine.
I've got a date at four o'clock,so let's do something.
Uh, we're gonna start it offwith giving each other massages
instead of just getting her,getting it done.
Um, I'm gonna start it byundressing him.
I never undress him.
You know, we just both take offour clothes.
(23:44):
Um, I'm gonna, you know, it'sseven o'clock, the kids our way
and it's summertime.
I'm gonna take a blanket outsidein the backyard and maybe I'll
get a tent so no one can see.
I mean, there's, there's so manythings that you can do to break
routine when you have it on aschedule.
And what's fun is you can go,okay, I'll plan this week, you
plan next week.
Willow (24:04):
Ah, I love
Leah (24:05):
see how you can kind of make it special for each other.
Willow (24:09):
That's so fun.
Okay, so, so many ways to getover routine.
Let's talk about, um, anotherissue that gets in the way and
creates a boring sex life, whichis just like underlying
relationship issues, powerstruggles, old traumas,
resentments, just,
Leah (24:27):
The biggie.
Willow (24:27):
you know, the, the, and also like.
Apathy, like lack of, you know,just like your partners lay,
they lay around and fart andburp and like, what's sexy about
that?
You know?
Leah (24:39):
right.
We're just so used to eachother, those, those relationship
issues, it's it.
The problem with relationshipissues that are unresolved is
that we stop trusting eachother, and probably worse than
that, we stop trustingourselves.
Willow (24:54):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (24:55):
We stop trusting that we can come up with solutions that
work for both of us.
We stopped trusting that we'regonna enjoy it.
Um, we stop showing up for it.
We blow it off.
We have fights that were neverresolved.
We just gave up because wecouldn't get anywhere.
All of that ends up harming thedesire for intimacy with our
(25:18):
partner.
And that's one of the, I mean,those relationship issues get in
way of the loving, it gets inthe way of being interested in
our partner.
Willow (25:30):
Yeah.
Leah (25:31):
And one of the things that I think can really help that is,
um, you connecting to yourhigher self.
You imagine your partner isconnected to their higher self,
and then you speak to each otherfrom your higher selves, not
necessarily from your woundedtrigger parts.
And so if you can put yourattention on your partner's
(25:52):
higher self, and you can putyour attention on your higher
self when you're having sex,your higher selves are the ones
who are leading you into thismore transcendent sexual
experience.
And when we can have moretranscendent, even more
spiritual sex, it ends uphealing a lot of that
Willow (26:09):
of the relationship issues.
Yes, it's so true.
It's like when you, this is veryclassic Chinese medicine too.
It's like when somebody's comingto you and they're, you know,
having, uh, an issue with theirliver or an issue with their
skin or some kind of autoimmuneissue or whatever, we wanna look
for what is not, what's notfunctioning, but we wanna look
(26:33):
for what is functioning in thebody and then we wanna fortify
that, you know, we wanna givemore qi and more blood flow and
more movement to the thing thatis our, to all the things that
are already working.
And so it's the same thing inour relationships.
Like we, in our sexuality, wewanna look for the places that
are working and put more focus,put more emphasis on those, and
(26:56):
basically all the good thenpushes out the bad.
Like there's no more space forthe bad and we
Leah (27:02):
Mm.
Willow (27:02):
let things go.
We can just release the traumas,release the triggers, release
the infidelities release, allthe things that, that we're,
that we're holding onto in ourbodies.
I think that's one of the thingsthat Leah and I have been
seeing, Leah's been seeing for20 plus years, you know, and
I've been seeing, um, morerecently in working with people
(27:24):
hands-on one-on-one to really,um, show them how incredible
their bodies are and how muchtheir, um, their pleasure can
heal their old shit.
And it doesn't matter what thatold shit was anymore.
You don't have to talk throughit and talk therapy.
You don't have to work throughit anymore.
(27:45):
It's just out of your tissues.
It's out of your body and you'redone with it
Leah (27:49):
Yeah.
One of the best exercises,Willow, and I can play this
exercise so you guys can get afeeling for it, is the bubble.
And the bubble is when you andyour partner come together and
you kind of do, you have to dothe hand movements, I'm sorry,
they're kind of dorky, but.
Willow (28:04):
to do
Leah (28:04):
You have to do them.
'cause it's what creates themagic.
So you both kind of bring yourarms up and you imagine like,
here's our bubble.
And you make the shape of likeyour arms are making a circular
shape up above your head andyou're like, this bed is our
bubble and we each have a momentto take anything we want out of
the bubble and to put goodthings in the bubble so that
your intimacy.
(28:25):
You're taking things that aren'tgonna get in the way.
It's great.
It's like a way to get yourtriggers out of your intimate
space and then to like give youall the good things so you each
have a turn.
I'll go first and we're gonnatake out things that we don't
want in our bubble.
So I take my hand like as if I'mgoing into the center of the
bubble, and then it's like Ipluck that thing and I take it
(28:46):
out of the bubble and I throw itoutta the bubble.
So for instance, I'm gonna takeout my self-consciousness.
I am gonna take out, um, myshame.
I'm gonna take out judgments.
I'm gonna take out my innercritic.
I'm gonna take out the affair Ihad 12 years ago that hurt us so
(29:08):
much.
I'm gonna take out not trustingmyself.
I'm gonna take out my dad'sfucking rules.
What the fuck are you stilldoing in here?
Out of my sex life.
Thank you very much.
And I'm gonna take outself-loathing and now it's
willow's turn.
Willow (29:24):
I'm gonna take out my stress.
I'm gonna take out my overwhelm.
I'm gonna take out my fatigue.
I'm gonna take out, um, my hurtfrom the past.
I'm gonna take out myheartbreak.
I'm gonna take out myunwillingness.
(29:45):
gonna take out my judgment.
I'm gonna take out my um, uh,yeah, criticisms.
I'm gonna take out my lack oftrust in you.
I'm gonna take out my lack oftrust in me.
Leah (30:03):
Beautiful.
And now we get a chance to putthings in.
So now I'm gonna kind of reachout out here and I'm gonna put
things into the bubble with myhand.
So I'm gonna put in my highpriestess.
I'm gonna put in laughter, I'mgonna put in curiosity, I'm
gonna put in the love of ourpets.
(30:23):
I'm gonna put in the love of myfather.
I'm gonna put in my love foryou.
I'm gonna put in goodcommunication.
I'm gonna put in, we both win.
I'm gonna put in my juiciness,I'm gonna put in orgasms, I'm
gonna put in arousal.
(30:45):
I'm gonna put in transcendentspiritual sacred energy.
Willow (30:51):
Mm, good ones.
I'm gonna put all that shit in
Leah (30:54):
Nice.
Willow (30:57):
I'll take all of that too.
And then I'm gonna put in, um,curiosity.
I wanna put in presence.
I wanna put in um, erotic levelsbeyond what I've ever explored
before.
I wanna put in the beauty ofnature.
I wanna put in, um, new levelsof, of consciousness through our
(31:23):
rapture.
I wanna put in, um, positionsI've never gotten into before.
I wanna put in, uh, deeperlevels of connection than I've
felt with you before.
Leah (31:37):
Nice.
And then we both just bask andlike, wow, I feel so much
Willow (31:41):
Yeah.
It's so much.
I feel better.
Uh,
Leah (31:43):
Right.
Don't you feel lighter?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You ready to throw down?
Um, but it's amazing how muchthat clears, especially when
you've already, you're alreadykind of coming into this thing
like, okay, we scheduled thisand I have to do it, and but you
really fucking pissed me offyesterday and you're still
holding onto it.
And so to be able to clear thatand you will be really, really
(32:04):
amazed.
How much better you feel likeinstantaneously.
So take a pregnant pauseafterward and bask in how you've
made a shift and then like bewith your partner in that shift
and soften like this is such abeautiful moment of like
softening, like That's right.
I love you.
(32:25):
You're one of my favorite peopleto hang out with.
I'm so glad I get to do thiswith you.
Willow (32:29):
How often do you and Matt do this actually.
Leah (32:31):
You know, we, I did it a lot more with previous partners
who I struggled with more.
Matt and I are pretty harmonic,so we don't carry a lot of pent
up resentment, so I do this morewith clients and couples than I
need to do it with Matt, thoughit's a great reminder to just do
(32:54):
it anyways.
Because you don't have a lot ofshit between each other to
co-create a more fertile field
Willow (33:01):
But it's als.
Yeah, it's so good.
And it's also just like lettinggo.
Maybe even not necessarilytaking stuff out between the two
of you, but just your own stuff,you know, so that you can clear
your own vessel and be moreready to receive love and
arousal and rapture.
Leah (33:19):
It's such a good point.
In fact, I think it'd be reallyfun for you and I to do this
before business meetings, beforeplanning,
Willow (33:24):
Oh, let's do that.
Leah (33:26):
do, I've been noticing, I've been experiencing a lot of
shame lately in just how pricklyI can be, and I really don't
wanna be a prickly person.
wants to be around a pricklyperson.
You know, people walk around,eggshells around a prickly
person.
You never know what you're gonnaget.
They can be moody and I, and I'mreally afraid of that side of
myself.
And as I get older, I'm reallylike, I'm afraid that I'm gonna
(33:48):
get more and more rigid.
And I'm thinking about likeneuroplasticity and how do I
increase the neuroplasticityinside of me when I don't feel
like I always have control overmy little, you know?
And so I think this is a great.
So, we'll, you guys we're gonna
Willow (34:04):
Use it in your sex life.
Use it in your business life.
Leah (34:08):
that's right.
Willow (34:09):
it.
We were, we will start thejourney and report back and let
you know
Leah (34:13):
What, you know what's interesting?
This is a great segue becauseour, our last thing to talk
about when it comes to boringsex is age in life changes.
And
Willow (34:22):
Ah, yeah,
Leah (34:23):
like I am in one of those seasons of changes.
Willow (34:27):
Yeah, absolutely.
And you know, when you're, whenyou're in a relationship,
long-term relationship, uh,it's, you know, hormones start
to decline.
I mean, your capacity, yourmental capacity starts to
decline.
Brain fog is a real fuckingthing.
You can't remember what you weregonna tell your partner, you
(34:47):
know,
Leah (34:47):
story of my life right
Willow (34:49):
in the middle of a sentence, you
Leah (34:50):
Right, right.
Um,
Willow (34:53):
peptides help with that, by the way, y'all.
But anyway, um, and, andhormones.
So hormone replacement therapy,and for some of you who are not
ready to go that route, there'stons of herbs too, bacopa for
the brain.
I mean, there's so many herbsto, to help you with your, um,
with your mental clarity andwith your, with your hormones
balance.
But it's like, I think alsoanother thing that happens as
(35:15):
we're aging is our bodies arechanging and we don't, we don't
have the same sort of confidencethat we used to have.
Like, oh, my tits are a littleagger and my arms are a little
more wrinkled.
And you know, like all thesethings.
And, and we, there's so muchemphasis put on y young, being
beautiful.
That it's hard for us to see thebeauty in us as we age.
(35:38):
And so.
Leah (35:39):
I mean, you think
Willow (35:40):
share that with your partner, you know, on a very
consistent, regular basis.
Like, I love your crow's feet.
They're gorgeous.
Like they make your eyes sparkle10 times more.
Bring'em on, you know, whateverit is.
Leah (35:51):
I love the way your stretch marks feel.
I don't have to look at them.
I can feel them and I love thetexture of them.
Um, and when we're looking atlike stages, it's like those
people who are having childrenfor the first time and they're
busy with their careers andwanting to reach success and,
and some financial security, andthen they're having babies and
how babies suck the sexual lifeout of you.
(36:12):
You have to come up with thingsthat are gonna enliven your
energy again.
And then as we get older.
Women feel like the, betweentheir hormones, like you
mentioned, vaginal tearing, lackof lubrication, men, their
penises can get hard, but theycan't stay hard.
And like all the embarrassmentwith that and, and what that
really forces us to do, again,comes back to creativity and
(36:32):
realizing that we get verynarrow minded when we think that
all sex is penetration.
There are so many ways to haveecstasy.
There are so many ways to have adeep, deep, fulfilling intimacy
and connection.
And when all we think of sex iswhether or not we're successful
or not, it's getting a dick intoa pussy.
(36:53):
We are really missing the mark.
We are leaving so much pleasureon the table, and so we all need
to broaden our definition oforgasm and our definition of
pleasure and our definition ofsex.
Because if I were to identify,if I were to say, what is
orgasm?
I would say it's energy inmovement that feels pleasurable.
(37:14):
That means like maybe you'renaked and you're pressed up
against each other and you arelaughing
Willow (37:19):
Laughing gams are really good gams.
You guys, they're so, they'realmost better than orgasms
almost.
Leah (37:27):
Yeah, yeah, they're right up there.
You can peak experiences bygenerating joy between each
other and really loving eachother's company, and so be way
more creative on how you reachpleasure.
It doesn't always require a hardpenis.
Thank you very much.
There's some orgasms women canhave without your erection, and
(37:48):
you should find out where theyare and how to do them.
Willow (37:51):
Absolutely.
They're fun.
Fun, fun.
Leah (37:53):
Yeah, and then get medical support.
Like Dr.
Willow is a great example ofsomebody who can help you with
your hormones.
She can help you with peptides.
She can give you the best herbsthat are going to give you more
vitality.
And that's really one of themain functions of sex is to
increase our vitality.
So when we stripped down.
(38:14):
Because we're getting naked.
We're not just getting nakedskin to skin, though that's
really, really important.
We're getting naked soul tosoul, and that's the, the one of
the purest forms of whatsexuality gives us as a gift in
our life is having those momentswhere we are encountering each
other kind of at the most,stripped down, the most raw,
(38:34):
hopefully the most playful.
Willow (38:37):
Yeah, it's, it's a beautiful opportunity to get to
know yourself even deeper.
Leah (38:43):
And you know, as age, like when we think about it from an
aging perspective, this is theplayground where you finally
reach it.
You are an adult.
They let you have sex now.
You know, think of all the sexyou wish you could have had when
you were younger, you know?
And everyone's telling you, no,no, no, no.
No one's telling you no anymore.
Everyone is saying yes, yes,yes, yes.
(39:04):
So why are you telling yourselfno?
Willow (39:06):
Yeah.
You know, I don't know why thisis making me think of, of this,
but it's like, I think there'salso something about claiming
what you want in your sexuality.
Like I'm thinking about some ofthe, the divorced men that I
coach, and you know, they,they've been in sexless
marriages for a long time andthey're.
But they're sexual beings andthey, and then they're like, ah,
now I'm out of the marriage, butI don't know what to do with all
(39:28):
the sexuality.
How do I even navigate it?
And, and for, you know, I'mthinking like, for a man to
claim, like I just wanna be likea bit of a slut for a while, you
know, like I just wanna go playthe field.
Like to claim that that's okay.
Like you can, if that's what youwant there's nothing bad or
wrong about
Leah (39:46):
people out there who will
Willow (39:47):
Who want that.
Yeah.
They're like, great.
That's what I want too.
And so it's about like gettingvery clear about what you want.
Let's say you're in a long-termrelationship and, and marriage
and, and maybe, you know, thesex hasn't been there and just
claiming what you want.
Like, I want to get into kinkand BDSM, I want to explore that
realm and, and if your partnercan't meet you or match you
(40:09):
there at least they have, youhave the clarity that will allow
them to find hopefully their ownclarity so that you guys can
find a common ground.
'cause it doesn't really matterwhat the disparity is, there's
always a common ground.
Um, and cl and having, havingyour own clarity is the first
step to that.
Leah (40:29):
I love that you brought that up.
Being able to, and in a shamefree.
And this takes practice ofgetting shame free around your
desires of being able to claimthem without guilt and without
shame, and then to pursue them.
That takes courage.
It takes self-reflection.
It takes honesty.
(40:51):
It takes trusting yourself.
It's great fodder to work with acoach or a therapist on so that
you can own it and it, you gottaexcavate some of that stuff to
discover what is.
What is that?
Yeah, I wanna be dominated, youknow?
Um, how do you find someone whoyou can do that with?
How do you negotiate that inyour relationship?
And sometimes we're not meant tostay in a relationship.
(41:15):
Sometimes we're in arelationship for a season in our
life.
We come together to have kids orwe come together.
You know, for this, you know,five years or seven years or two
years, and then it's time foryour next teacher, and we don't
have to hate each other to getover each other.
We can kind of bow and say,thank you teacher, and move on
along your path and wish thatperson well.
So it's also okay to find we'rereally not a sexual fit and this
(41:40):
is a very important part of mylife and I wanna find someone
who this is easier with.
Um, it's a hard choice to make,but it is oftentimes the right
choice to make.
So, you know, whatever that's
Willow (41:52):
much.
Yeah, it opens up so much.
It's gonna be so liberating.
Um.
Leah (41:56):
So those are our five, um,
Willow (41:59):
five top obstacles reasons that sex gets boring.
Let's talk a little bit aboutthe solutions.
Some of,
Leah (42:06):
them like we got.
Lack of novelty, lack ofcommunication, routine,
relationship issues, and age andlife changes.
And then we wanna give you somemore solutions.
Willow (42:18):
And some of these solutions we've already been
touch, touching on and talkingabout, like communicating
openly, talking about yourfantasies, your
Leah (42:26):
Try new things.
Willow (42:27):
Even if you, even if you're not sure of like, oh, I
heard Dr.
Willow talk about pegging a man,I have no idea.
That doesn't appeal to me atall, but the conversation was
interesting.
You know, like just talkingabout what you hear in other
places, um, bringing, justconversation like, you know,
just, wow.
(42:48):
Hmm.
I wonder what that would belike.
You know, just wondering andjust, you don't have to do
anything you don't wanna do,ever.
Leah (42:55):
I, speaking of this very thing, I was, uh, listening to
another podcast and, um, it waswith an author who wrote a book
about women's fantasies and abunch of women mailed in their
fantasies.
And one of the things that tookher by surprise was this
infantile diaper type offantasies.
And, and as the conversationwent on, what really illuminated
(43:17):
for me is, you know, when youhave that infantile thing, like
imagine someone's taking care ofyou and you don't have to be in
control, right?
It's like you pee in a diaperand you don't have to do
anything.
You know?
And it's not necessarily thewhatever you're kinking on, it's
like, wow, making sense ofsomeone's taking care of me,
someone's cleaning me up,someone's caring for me.
(43:40):
Um, I don't have to make anydecisions.
There's no responsibility.
I wanna go back where I'munconditionally loved.
And I'm care taken.
I was like, oh, that makes a lotof sense.
Now, why someone may crave that.
I had never put that togethersimply because I couldn't
connect to it.
But when you look at differentkinks from that lens, it's like,
(44:03):
oh, sure, that's really sweet.
It's sweet to be nurtured.
It's sweet to not have to make adecision, uh, all of a sudden.
That makes sense, and you couldnever get there.
If you never have theconversation.
If you're never open-mindedenough to talk about those
things that you hear about likepegging,
Willow (44:20):
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
Now, what would we say, becausepegging is extreme, but like
what would we say to somebodywho's like, okay, I just, I have
no idea how to even like bringup the topic about sex, or, I'm
so uncomfortable talking aboutanything related to sexuality.
(44:41):
Maybe there's religious shameand guilt on top of it all.
Like how, how does somebodywho's just like,
Leah (44:49):
You start there.
Willow (44:50):
I don't even have a clue, like how do they start?
Leah (44:52):
That's what they say.
I don't
Willow (44:54):
I don't even have a clue.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (44:55):
don't even know where to begin, but I'm willing to find
out.
Willow (44:59):
Uhhuh.
Leah (44:59):
That's the key is I feel really stuck here.
I'm really scared when I startthinking about talking about
sexuality.
I feel really icky.
Okay.
Where do you feel it.
Yeah, just be with that feeling.
Feel the grief of that.
You know, feel the part, talkabout the part of like how you
wish it was easier for you.
(45:20):
Let somebody hold your hand asyou just kind of feel the
stuckness.
And if you can sit with that andbe with that for a few breaths,
I think you'll find that it'llstart to lift.
And you know, it's really likeit's just getting started.
It's like owning where you're atand being vulnerable and honest.
Willow (45:38):
Mm-hmm.
Leah (45:39):
And see where it takes you.
What do you think?
Willow (45:42):
I think that's good advice.
Definitely.
Um, just talking about like howit feels inside of your body,
like what's the sensation of ofthe resistance that you have,
you know, where does thatresistance live in your body?
I think going into the
Leah (46:02):
Into the body.
Willow (46:04):
around where you feel stuck and where you feel
shameful or, or embarrassed totalk
Leah (46:10):
Yeah.
And then put your hands in theplace that feels uncomfortable,
like you're holding that placewith care.
Willow (46:17):
yeah,
Leah (46:18):
Um, I think the other thing, yeah, go ahead.
Willow (46:21):
Well, I was just gonna say, and then kind of identify
what are the emotions that arethere, you know, is you said
grief.
Yeah.
Sometimes grief, sometimesanger,
Leah (46:29):
Yeah.
Willow (46:30):
um,
Leah (46:31):
was thinking fear, like, I'm really afraid if I say
anything, you'll be grossed out.
I'm really afraid if I, if Ispeak any of this, you'll think
I'm a slut.
I'm afraid if I say any of this,God's gonna be mad at me.
You know, like whatever you'reafraid of, start to name like,
what's the worst thing thatcould happen to you if you were
to talk openly and honestlyabout your desires?
(46:54):
Free yourself from keeping thaton the inside by saying it out
loud.
Willow (46:58):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I feel like this really is, inmy mind, it's good for your
health.
You know, it's good forlongevity.
Like it's gonna clear stagnationof energetic emotions out of
your body that could causedis-ease, you know, or probably
is causing disease.
So move it along.
Leah (47:16):
and you know, it's interesting when we study
Tantra, so much of the Tantrapractices are actually a
purification process.
It's using your touch and yourbreath and your sound and your
communication to move that whichis stuck, to move that which is
fear, shame, and guilt, and getit out of your system so that
you can run the energy of loveand bliss and, um, those things
(47:38):
that are freeing.
And you deserve to be liberated.
It's kind of one of the things alot of people come into a body
to discover, so how about you?
Willow (47:46):
It's your birthright.
You get to be liberated, andit's such a better life to live
being freed up.
I'm telling you.
Go for it.
Just start.
Leah (47:55):
you know, we, um, we've really talked so much about,
we'll just kind of run throughthis list of things that, um,
will revitalize your sex life.
And we've gone into details onmany of them, which is
communicate openly, try newthings, be spontaneous,
prioritize intimacy, addressyour relationship issues, be
(48:16):
open to vulnerability,experiment and adapt.
Experiment, make those littleshifts and then adapt to the
things that you like.
I think the thing maybe wehaven't addressed really
directly, unlike some of theseother things on the list, is be
open to vulnerability.
What do you wanna say aboutthat?
Willow (48:33):
Oh, vulnerability is one of the keys to good intimacy,
and you absolutely have to doit.
And it's also one of thescariest things about intimacy
because the word itselftranslates to woundable.
If listened to our podcast,you've heard us say that many
times.
And so yeah, you could get hurt,but that's why it's so deep.
That's why vulnerability createssuch epic intimacy.
(48:56):
Because it's a risk.
You're taking a risk.
If you stay in the risk-freezone where everything's safe and
comfortable all the time, yourwhole life, you're not gonna
grow.
You're not gonna evolve.
That's boring.
Yeah.
If you're always in risk.
Phase, that's you're gonna burnyour adrenals out, you know?
So you gotta have a balance.
(49:17):
You gotta have a balance.
And, and, and I feel likeintimacy, vulnerability with an
intimacy is a really sweet placeto, um, to explore what vulner
taking a risk.
Leah (49:29):
it's where the honeypot is.
Willow (49:31):
yeah.
And like, it's so very rare thatyou're like, oh my God, I'm so
nervous to tell you this.
I'm so embarrassed.
Or I'm so, you know, scared toshare this fantasy that I have
with you, or this old traumathat I'm still carrying, or
whatever it is that you wannashare.
But when you preface it likethat, I'm so nervous, or I'm so
(49:52):
scared.
The other person's nervoussystem just softens and opens
Leah (49:57):
Yeah,
Willow (49:58):
and they're just more ready to be with whatever your
truth is.
Leah (50:03):
I think also saying I'm, I'm scared to share this with
you.
Please be gentle with me.
I am worried you might judge me.
I want my desires to be safewith you.
This is not a request to act outmy fantasy.
This is a request for me to feelcloser to you and for me to
share things that I'm afraid toshare.
But I trust you and I love you,and I just need you to be really
(50:24):
gentle as you listen.
Willow (50:25):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Leah (50:26):
Let the person know they don't have to do anything with
your share.
They just need to be with you.
Willow (50:32):
Right.
Leah (50:32):
that'll be so fulfilling and you'll be, you'll feel
closer to each other.
I think too, when it comes tovulnerability, what's more
vulnerable than getting naked?
It's, it's ironic, right?
Or maybe not that these twothings all come together.
Willow (50:45):
Absolutely.
Okay, well we hope you likedthat episode on Boring Sex.
We're now coming to you fromPortugal.
Hey everyone, we just finishedour incredible retreat in
Greece.
It was so profound and sopowerful and amazing and, uh,
you may have noticed that weended this last episode rather
abruptly because, uh, Leah had acoaching call, I believe, and so
(51:09):
we just wanted to, you know,follow up with like don't have
boring sex in your life.
Yeah.
To kind of wrap it up a littlemore smoothly.
So as you know, what makes theshow better is your comments,
you entering the discussion, yousharing your ideas, you sharing
your struggles, and you sharingyour breakthroughs so that we
can all learn from each other.
(51:30):
So do us a favor, please like,subscribe and comment about this
episode right into us we love toshare what people share with us
on air.
And so, uh, please send us yourthoughts, your feelings.
Love, love, love, love, love,love.
Okay.
Announcer (51:46):
Thanks for tuning in.
This episode was hosted byTantric Sex Master Coach and
positive psychology facilitator,Leah Piper, as well as by
Chinese and Functional Medicinedoctor and Taoist Taxology
teacher, Dr.
Willow Brown.
Don't forget your comments, likesubscribes and suggestions
matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
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