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Ever notice how you and your partner seem to push each other's buttons in the exact same ways over and over? Like there's some invisible script you're both following that always leads to the same frustrating dance? You're not imagining it. And you're definitely not alone. In this eye-opening episode, your favorite intimacy experts Leah and Dr. Willow dive deep into the 5 trigger patterns that secretly sabotage our most intimate relationships. Spoiler alert: They all started in childhood, and they're probably running your love life right now.
THIS EPISODE WILL HELP LISTENERS:
- Better understand their own and their partner's triggers and reactions in intimacy
- Identify childhood strategy patterns in themselves and others
- Gain compassion for different coping mechanisms and communication styles
- Learn tools to move through triggers into presence and connection
- Cultivate more harmony and understanding in all relationships
LINKS & RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WEBSITE
LAST 10x LONGER. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, you are not alone, master 5 techniques to cure this stressful & embarrassing issue once and for all. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST20.
THE VAGINAL ORGASM MASTERCLASS. Discover how to activate the female Gspot, clitoris, & cervical orgasms. Save 20% Coupon: PODCAST 20
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
D (01:14):
Dr. Willow
Willow Brown.
I'm your Taoist expert here atSex Reimagined.
Leah (01:19):
And I'm Leah Piper, your Tantra expert at Sex Reimagined.
Dr. Willow (01:23):
And today, Leah and I, just the two of us, talk in
depth about ways that we keepourselves safe in intimacy, and
in all kinds of areas of ourlife, and also how those ways
that we keep ourselves safe alsoblock us from the love, the
(01:43):
sexuality, the intimacy, thetrue, true desires that lie deep
in our heart.
Le (01:48):
Leah
because you get to see how ourchildhood shapes how we handle
getting triggered.
So we're going to talk to youabout all the amazing stages of
development that would teachyour nervous system to pick up
various strategies.
So, you gotta tune in
Dr. Willow (02:07):
Dr. Willow
and fall in love With us.
S (02:13):
SxR Announcer
sex is shame free and pleasureforward.
Let's get into the show.
D (02:22):
Dr. Willow
know, seven years.
She did seven years straight,but it's been many years since
then and she uses it constantlyand it's what makes her so
special.
Such an incredible teacher andher ability to kind of like read
a room is really profoundbecause of this medicine.
So I dove into it a couple ofyears, maybe like four or four
(02:43):
years ago.
And you know, it's been aprofound, it's been a game
changer, especially in moretriggering areas of life, like
in intimacy, in sexuality, infinancials, in, you know, home
and family.
So we wanted to share it withyou because we think it is
foundational to having a greatintimate and powerful love life.
Leah (03:05):
Leah
I mean this has become so usefulin partnership, in your
relationships at work, in yourrelationships to your kids, in
relationship to your partner, inrelationship to your best
friends.
And so what we're talking abouthere is a model of pattern
typing that allows us tounderstand how we get triggered
(03:26):
and what we need to do to getout of trigger.
You're probably all aware ofastrology.
Maybe you know about humandesign.
Maybe you know about theEnneagram.
You know, we've got all thesedifferent systems that have
found a formula that haspatterns that people relate to
that help them understandthemselves.
(03:47):
And so this is a system alsothat has created a formula that
makes sense where people havebeen able to study.
In particular, the originator ofthis work is William Reich and,
Wilhelm, I always screw that up.
Wilhelm.
I apologize.
Dr (04:03):
Dr. Willow
He was one of Freud's directdescendants and he was
brilliant.
If you don't know who he is,look it up on Wikipedia and
Leah (04:11):
And he's a little naughty.
I mean, he had some reallyinteresting,
Dr. Willow (04:15):
Dr. Willow
I mean, he actually, heactually, developed the whole
cure for cancer back in the 20swith the Orgone therapy machine.
Leah (04:24):
Leah
The machine!
Dr. Willow (04:25):
The machine and like all
Leah (04:27):
Leah
Dr (04:27):
Dr. Willow
destroyed.
And then he died one year intohis two year sentence in prison.
Oh,
Leah (04:36):
Leah
But, that doesn't mean thisisn't brilliant.
Dr. Will (04:40):
Dr. Willow
That's why he got, you know, hisshit
Le (04:43):
Leah
And, and since then, it hasdifferent types of iterations
and different types of nuancesand people have renamed the
code, these pattern typing overthe years because the original
names were a little eek.
weak.
Dr (04:59):
Dr. Willow
what the hell are they talkingabout pattern?
You can think about these asstrategies.
Strategies to keep yourselfsafe.
Strategies to keep yourselfprotected.
Strategies to keep yourself fromgetting hurt.
To get your, keep yourself fromgetting hurt physically, but
also emotionally.
And primarily emotionally.
This is a lot of, like, deeppsychology.
(05:19):
In fact, in psychology, mostpsychologists will study this a
little bit to some degree.
So, um.
Leah (05:26):
written, mentioned in so many different books.
Dr. Willow (05:28):
Dr. Willow
Yeah.
Leah (05:29):
Leah
Dr. Wil (05:34):
Dr. Willow
Leah (05:36):
Leah
Mm
Dr. Willo (05:37):
Dr. Willow
That's it.
That's where you'll get it themost.
And then it's also in EasternBody, Western Mind.
It's in Brene Brown's
L (05:45):
Leah
Dr. Willow (05:46):
Dr. Willow
Not Brene Brown.
Sorry.
Barbara Brennan.
Leah (05:49):
Leah
So, you know, one of the thingsthat I think sets it apart from
other systems that take a lookat, you know, helping us make
sense of ourselves.
a lot of those other.
systems have to do more with ourpersonality.
And I, my experience is thatthis has to do with the body.
(06:11):
It is showing how as we wereyounger we came up with
strategies that helped ussurvive our childhood.
Even if we had awesome parents,there are still gaps and holes
that happened in our childhoodthat we had to navigate in order
to grow up.
Right?
So whether that was a trauma,something really significant
like you know maybe there was abirth trauma and you had a hard
(06:33):
time coming into the world, ormaybe you were left crying in
your crib for too long or maybeyou
Dr (06:40):
Dr. Willow
brother.
Le (06:43):
Leah
Yeah.
Cancer.
I mean, it could, it's runs thegamut of when you have something
in life that's kind of aninflection point and you, and
you may not even know it.
You may not even have thosememories.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, what I'm trying toget to is that when there are
times in life where energy hitsus.
(07:04):
hits our nervous system, and wedon't know how to manage it, and
so the body has to orient tothat, and it creates strategies
and ways of holding the energyso that we can get through the
crisis and move on.
And as an adult, you know, wecan all recognize that we get
triggered by other people.
We get triggered by lifecircumstances, we get triggered
(07:26):
by friends, family, and so on,and that causes a reaction.
And if you look back on yourlife, you can probably see that
you've got a pattern regardingcertain issues and what gets
that reaction out of you.
Some people have abandonmentissues.
Some people hate to be yelledat.
Some people don't like reallyloud environments with tons of
(07:49):
people.
There's all sorts of reasons whywe can kind of get triggered and
go into a pattern response.
And so as we kind of go on inthis episode, we're going to
share more and more with youwhat those look like and then
you can start to try them on andgo, Hmm.
That resonates with me.
That's something that reallyfeels like I might do.
(08:11):
And what I love about the systemis that it gives us ways to come
out of pattern because thesestrategies from childhood stop
being effective.
Instead of you know, helping uswhen we were kids, they start to
be problematic as adults.
And what we want to do is wewant to stay out of pattern,
right?
(08:32):
And the other cool thing aboutthis system is that there kind
of has a shadow side that we canwork with for our personal
growth so that we can stay inharmony as much as possible.
But there's also a light side.
There's talents and there'sgifts that come from these
strategies that allow us to givethose gifts to the world.
Dr. Willow (08:50):
Yeah, as we kind of give you the overview today of
these styles of protectingyourself, of keeping yourself
safe, and yes, they were workingfor you in childhood.
They did work to you to somedegree throughout your life.
But you're most likely at apoint in your life now where
they're actually blocking you.
They're actually a roadblock anda barrier to receiving the love
(09:11):
and the intimacy that you truly,truly desire in your heart.
Because we're so busy keepingourselves safe, and it becomes
this unconscious thing.
It's a habit.
You could call it a pattern, astrategy, it's a habit.
It's now something that'singrained in you, and it's
subconscious.
You're not conscious of doingit, but we all do it.
And and the best thing we can dois learn about it, understand
(09:34):
it, and start to see where we'redoing it, especially in our
intimate relationships.
Because what is the point ofbeing in an intimate
relationship anyway?
It's to have a reflection, amirror, somebody that you can
see yourself through and godeeper and learn more about
yourself through.
So, that's what I love aboutthese, this style of personality
(09:54):
pattern typing, because it's notso much who you are.
It's not your propensity like,you know, I'm an Aquarius and my
propensity is this way or thatway.
It's more like if it's mydefault.
(11:39):
It's my default that I go to ifI don't feel safe.
And so...
Leah (11:43):
Leah
Dr. Willow (11:44):
Yeah, so when you're a child, and you experience
either an overt trauma or just amoment of like, ah, I don't know
what to do with this.
I don't my nervous system can'thandle this, then you develop
sort of this style of keepingyourself safe.
And it depends on what age youare.
Like, if you're pre verbal, ifit's before you learn to speak,
(12:06):
it's gonna be a little bitdifferent than after you have
that developmental skill.
Yeah.
And then, you know, as you growinto like five, five, five, six,
seven, it's like, Ooh, yourego's coming online now.
It's like, Oh, now you're alittle person.
And so that's going to be alittle bit different of a
strategy as well.
So it's really fascinating towatch, like at what point in
(12:29):
your life did your parents getdivorced or did you have that
overt trauma or did you just,you know, not get nourished in
some way.
Leah (12:38):
Leah
Dr. Willow (12:38):
and to notice like, Oh yeah, I was about three years
old.
Oh yeah, I do run that style ofkeeping myself safe and
protecting myself.
Leah (12:47):
And really, like, even the childhood story is not very
important.
It's, it, what's important isthat you're noticing the sort of
the pattern that repeats itselfwhen you get triggered because
there's certain categories ofthat.
And then once you have thatinformation, like, oh yeah, I
kind of do that, then you canstart looking for, how long have
(13:07):
I been doing that?
When did that start?
And what is the likelihoodaccording to my parent's style
of patterning?
of parenting, rather.
What their style of parentingwill really inform what ends up
arising in the way that yourpatterns end up identifying
themselves.
(13:28):
I, I notice there's a verysignificant correlation between
parenting and how these getestablished in our bodies.
Although not always.
Sometimes it's an outside eventthat kind of triggers the
patterns developing.
And also just because yourparents have a particular
pattern type or strategy type,it doesn't mean that you'll have
(13:50):
the same one as them.
Dr. (13:51):
Dr. Willow
A lot of times it can be thetotal polar opposite, in
Leah (13:55):
Leah
Dr (13:56):
Dr. Willow
Without further ado.
Leah (13:58):
Yeah, I, if I just want to mention one more thing and we'll
jump in is you have a primarypattern type, the one that you
lead with, and then you have asecondary strategy type.
And you'll have to forgive me,I'm gonna, I would prefer using
the word strategy, but I'vebeen, I learned this using the
word pattern, but I, the reason,the significance about using
(14:19):
strategy is when we say patterntype, I think that sometimes
people over identify.
They start calling themselvesthe pattern as if that's who
they are when really it's not.
It's just something that we do.
So I'm on I'm kind of learning anew way of communicating this.
So yeah let's jump in.
Oh, I forgot to mention thesecondary.
(14:40):
Sorry, I got sidetracked.
So we have a primary, which islike the one we lead with.
It's our go to trigger.
And then when that doesn't work,because sometimes your primary,
like you roll it out and noone's responding.
So then you got to lean intoyour secondary and see if
that'll pull you out of thecrisis or that'll somehow solve
the problem.
or sometimes your secondary justfeels like it's the job for this
(15:03):
certain situation.
The other cool thing abouthaving a primary and secondary
is that you get all those giftsfrom both pattern types.
So, just want to preface that by
D (15:11):
Dr. Willow
So there's you know, when I wasin the womb, when I was way back
when I was in utero, a
Leah (15:19):
I was making eyeballs and elbows and Ha toes.
Dr. Willow (15:24):
My dad fell off the roof.
He was, he's a contractor and sohe was working on the roof and
on our house and he fell off theroof and it caused my mom a lot
of stress.
You know, it caused her a ton ofjust like, her whole nervous
system got all her panties in abunch, right?
So she was stressed out.
So of course there I was in theutero receiving all of that
(15:48):
cortisol, receiving all of thatstress to my nervous system.
And my mom, God bless her, tendsto be a professional warrior in
general, right?
So not only was that kind ofthe, one of the things in utero,
but it carried on throughout mylife.
So there was this feeling that Igot in the womb of like, Ooh, I
(16:10):
don't know if it's safe.
I don't know if it's safe to bein a body.
I'm not sure if I want to becoming into this world.
And so it's very interestingbecause a lot of the clients
that come to me have had thatexperience.
Experience at one point oranother where they're like, I
just don't really wanna be here.
I don't really wanna be in thisbody.
I'm not sure about
Leah (16:28):
never felt like I belong.
Dr. W (16:30):
Dr. Willow
I don't feel safe.
And so it's taken me a long timeto really drop into being
confident in my body, safe in mybody.
That's just been part of mylife's journey.
And, you know, I'm so gratefulto be where I am on it.
I'm a very embodied woman atthis point in my journey and
(16:50):
have been for a long time, butthat experience in utero kind of
set me up for a strategy.
for keeping myself safe, whichwas to, you know, if things got
overwhelming to my system, Iwould leave.
I would flee.
I would either in my mind or inmy body, I would physically
(17:12):
leave.
So throughout the years, into myteens, like if I was getting
into a sexual experience, thatwas overwhelming or not working
for me, I would disassociate.
So that's one of the first,strategies for keeping yourself
safe that I think a lot ofpeople identify with, especially
(17:33):
a lot of people who come to Leahand I because, you know, they're
trying to find their embodiedsensuality and sexuality and
really you have to be in yourbody to open up your sexuality.
And, and it.
Le (17:45):
Leah
Dr. Willow (17:48):
So much pleasure and joy and bliss, and we have to be
able to stay present to ourphysicality in that state.
So,
Leah (17:57):
Leah
pattern type, the leaver, that'sthe name of it, the leaver, has
a a closer relationshipoftentimes to disassociation.
It's just it's kind of like theygo to their safe place.
And people do this even ifyou're not a leaving pattern.
One of the things if you'venoticed that you've experienced
(18:18):
disassociation and it's abrilliant thing that the body
knows how to do, thank God weknow how to, you know, go away.
When we are in a traumaticexperience so that our psyche
stays safe.
And so some people, they go up,some people, go to a place in
their mind.
I noticed that I go to a tree,usually outside of a window.
(18:40):
And so when you have the leavingpattern, you may have a more,
you might have more awareness toyour habit of being in a
stressful situation and justgoing away.
That would be the thing to tuneinto is your go to just to leave
when you are in fight, flight,or freeze, you choose to leave,
(19:04):
scatter, get out of there.
someone who tends to be intense,you might avoid that person.
So avoidancy could be part ofit.
You might, what's the word youmight be more introverted.
A lot of people who have theleading pattern just naturally
are more comfortable by, theirintrovertedness, and one of the
(19:26):
things that identify that, andI'm not saying that all
introverts have the leavingpattern, but, a lot of leavng
patterns get drained very easily
Dr. Willow (19:37):
By a lot of external activity.
Leah (19:40):
External activity can be a major drain, so they have to
take care of themselvesdifferently.
And they also need to restoreand really give themselves peace
and alone time.
Dr. Willow (19:53):
They need more of a quiet time.
And often this this protectivestrategy style, like, at some
point had some kind of physicalthing where they were like, oh,
don't, you know, waif like.
Like, don't want to be here, notstrong in my physical body.
I was anorexic for years, youknow.
I had, a lot of health issues.
(20:14):
And, you know, very kind of weakand fragile.
So I had to work hard to rebuildmy constitution, my original
constitution.
And, I think that, you know, oneof the beautiful things about
this strategy style is thereability to kind of go up and
out.
(20:34):
Like the energy runs through thebody in each one of these
pattern styles in differentways, so maybe we'll touch on
that a little bit.
So the energy for this one, it'slike, okay, overwhelming
situation.
I don't feel safe or just toomuch, like too much input to my
system, the energy will go upand it will go out.
Sort of to one side or theother, up and out.
(20:56):
And so there is also this,beautiful connection to,
heavenly energy, higherconsciousness, spirituality.
Psychic energy that we have.
So we have this ability to, ifwe can kind of mend and heal and
understand this, we can bringthat psychic, you know, higher
conscious energy down throughthe body and actually channel
(21:18):
it.
It's a really,
Leah (21:19):
Leah
Yeah, there's, it's like one oftheir superpowers is they're
able to go out to like thecollective everything that's out
there in the universe and theyare able to bring it back in.
So we have a lot of people whodo the leaving pattern who are
scientists, who aremathematicians and also artists
who are dancers who are inspiritual leadership roles.
(21:41):
So there's a way with whichthey're often connected to the
mystical realm, or they'reconnected to really complex
realms of shapes and science andmathematics.
And I always recognize thesepeople they're the ones who
like, I don't know, I alwaysthink that they get the easiest
test scores, like they don'thave to study as hard as the
rest of us.
Dr. Willow (22:02):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:03):
Oh, that wasn't your case, okay, okay.
Dr. Willow (22:05):
ass Off in school.
Leah (22:06):
I also noticed that like a lot of leavers, they'll ask me a
question.
And then they'll have the answerbefore I can come up with it.
It's almost like they go andpluck it out of my head.
So they're pretty fastprocessors,
Dr. Willow (22:18):
Dr. Willow
Yeah.
Lea (22:19):
Leah
many leavers who are in thetantra world.
And so sexually they can be veryconnected and intimate, but it's
always in relationship to howsafe they feel.
So, anything can bounce themout, but when they really are
(22:40):
there, they're some of the mostbeautific of people and they
have a certain body type.
A
Dr. Willow (22:47):
There's a real ange
Leah (22:49):
Leah
Dr. Willow (22:52):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:53):
Elegant structure in their
Dr. (22:55):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:58):
Leah
Yes.
Yeah.
Very kind of
Dr. Will (23:02):
Dr. Willow
Fairy
Leah (23:03):
have a whimsy about them.
Yeah.
I, I would like to come back andand maybe be a leaver because
Dr. Willow (23:11):
Dr. Willow
Leah (23:12):
Leah
I really like their look.
Dr (23:15):
Dr. Willow
darling, which is the next one.
Okay, so, so if you're, okay,let's see, you didn't have a
trauma in utero or around ageone or, you know, in that age
range, kind of like before youreally were like, whoa, a body.
Okay.
Leah (23:29):
Leah
Pre verbal.
Dr (23:31):
Dr. Willow
physical, but it's coming intoyour physicality.
And then we go into like agetwo, two, three, where it's like
still kind of, you know, kind ofgetting language, it's starting
to come, a little taller, you'relike just kind of, your brain is
just like open and wide open andyou're like, I am in a body and
(23:51):
wow, there's so much to explore.
Let me put it in my mouth andfigure out what it is, you know.
Mm
Leah (23:56):
Leah
You're still very much dependenton your caregivers.
But you can start to move aroundon your own.
You are starting to discover theworld.
And you're starting to discoveryour physicality much more.
Your, your body and your, youknow, all that stuff.
Talking and,
Dr. Willow (24:13):
This is, this one's called the Merging Pattern.
Leah (24:15):
Leah
The merging pattern.
And so, this is a pattern that,I mean, As an adult, what can
often happen with this patternwhen they get triggered is they
can oftentimes feel lost.
They look outside themselvesespecially like when it comes to
getting the answer that theyneed, or getting the love that
(24:36):
they need, or getting thevalidation that they need, or
getting the approval that theyneed.
They're always sort of outside.
Trying to get the answer insteadof being able with the skill of
self referencing looking for theanswers that they need within.
So they have a oftentimes have astruggle with feelings of
(24:57):
worthlessness and am I loved?
Am I lovable?
And so there's almost likeThere's this well that can never
feels like I can get fullsometimes it feels bottomless.
Sometimes the emotions feelbottomless.
Sometimes the hunger feelsbottomless.
So, these people are also kindof called the pleasure loopers.
(25:18):
They're the ones who will, youknow, they'll be there for you
in the middle of the night ifyou're struggling with that
divorce.
They are, they pick up thephone.
They are good listeners.
They're good friends.
They give you the shirt offtheir back.
They really care and they wantto take care of those around
them.
If they're the host of theparty, you know, are you cold?
(25:39):
Let me change the temperature.
Are you hungry?
Let me fit you a sandwich.
does your neck hurt?
Let me rub your neck.
You know, they're just kind ofthe hostess with the mostest or
the host with the most, in termsof their desire to have
connection.
And their split, when theydeveloped the strategy, it was
usually because a need wentunmet.
(26:02):
Something happened around thatage of being a toddler where we
were left when we needed
Dr. Willow (26:10):
Nourishment of some
Leah (26:12):
nourishment, we needed to be protected because we were too
small to protect ourselves.
And so there's this feeling of,if I can just emerge, I can
finally get safe.
If I can get close enough, I'llbe okay.
And,
Dr. Willow (26:27):
Yeah, this is really the person you'll recognize them
in yourself or in your life andpeople in your life.
They're the people who are likeyou'll be like, do you want to
do this or do you want to dothat?
And they'll be like, well, whatdo you want to do?
You know, they'll ask well,well, whatever you want.
You know, they have this amazingability to go with the flow
(26:48):
because they
Leah (26:49):
They have the disease to please like nobody else.
Dr. Willow (26:53):
Dr. Willow
Leah (26:54):
Leah
Dr. Willow (26:55):
know how they feel once they know how you feel, you
know, so they're always lookingoutside of themselves to
reference somebody else'sfeelings to know how they should
feel.
And you see this in toddlers,whether they develop this
strategy or not.
It's like they fall down, goboom, and then they look up at
their parent and they're like,oh, should I be, should this be
(27:16):
a trauma?
should I start crying or shouldI be okay?
And if the parent is like, Oh,you're fine.
Then the kid's like, okay, yeah.
And they just get up and keepgoing around.
and then if the parent's like,oh my god, you poor kid, then
they will start going intocrying.
And so it's just that age range,you know, it's just that
developmental place that they'rein, their process.
(27:38):
And if they need a strategy, ifthey develop that protection
style at that age, then theyplay it out in the rest of their
lives.
Now, how does it show upsexually?
Leah (27:49):
Well, it can be really fun because of their pleasure
looping gifts.
Dr. Willow (27:53):
Dr. Willow
L (27:54):
Leah
Dr. Willow (27:57):
Dr. Willow
They're amazing lovers, amazingpartners.
They have
Leah (28:01):
Leah
Dr. (28:03):
Dr. Willow
Leah (28:05):
And their bodies tend to be very curvy and sensual, and
because they love the senses.
They love to taste, and that isa symbol for everything in life.
It's like, they love to tasteall the things, and then they
like to feel all the things.
If you go to like a workshop,this is the person that brings
(28:26):
all the stuff.
They've got a sheepskin rug anda cozy chair and all their
drinks and tons of snacks.
And then they offer you a snack.
Yes,
Dr. Willow (28:34):
Lavender spray for your face.
Leah (28:36):
Leah
It's like they have all theircomforts.
So if you looked in my pantry,you would see a great example of
a merger pattern it's like, I'mgoing to be safe if I've got
comfort and so it's like there'sthis thing we want to even merge
with the taste of food.
We want to merge with that cozyblanket.
We want to merge with comfort.
(28:56):
We're seeking comfort.
Dr. Willow (28:58):
Dr. Willow
Leah (28:59):
Leah
It seems like and yeah.
And so.
But, like, again, also sexuallyand in intimate partnership,
when we get triggered and wefeel lost and someone is
blocking us from merging withthem, we get scared and then we
can often puddle.
(29:19):
And it's like the puddle neverends.
There can be a neediness.
Oftentimes that comes with themerger strategy because we lose
ourselves.
And so one of the best thingsyou can do for a little merger
that's puddling is just staywith, what do you need?
And they're not going to havethe answer.
So you just stay with thatquestion until they can resource
(29:41):
it.
Dr. Willow (29:41):
Find their way out of the
Leah (29:42):
I hate that question, by the way.
D (29:44):
Dr. Willow
Leah (29:45):
When I'm upset, screw it, just tell me the answer, man.
Can't you see I'm suffering?
This is how you walk yourselfout.
Dr. (29:54):
Dr. Willow
So, let's, let's bypass, there'sa, there's another strategy
style that, that blends withthis,
Le (30:02):
Leah
Dr. Willow (30:04):
we'll, let's save it for the come to the free
webinar, y'all, because you'regonna want to know more about
L (30:09):
Leah
Dr. Wi (30:12):
Dr. Willow
Leah (30:13):
Leah
I would actually consider it aseparate
Dr. Willow (30:18):
Dr. Willow
Leah (30:19):
Leah
Yeah.
But it's definitely rooted inthe merger.
Dr. Wi (30:23):
Dr. Willow
move it forward.
So after after that toddlerperiod of development, then
you're like, you know, you'vegot some words, you've got some
language, you're cruisingaround, you're maybe like four,
three, four, four, five,something like that.
And then you drop into like, Oh,I'm not getting my needs met, or
(30:43):
I'm not safe, or I experiencedsome kind of trauma.
At this age, at thisdevelopmental stage, you go into
this pattern.
It's called the EnduringPattern.
And it's a strategy whereby youtake the energy all down and in.
And oh gosh, you're going torecognize these people.
These are the ones who like, ifsomething's bothering them,
(31:05):
they'll just Go sit in thecorner with it and kind of brood
and figure it out inside ofthemselves and work it this way
and that way until they can findtheir own solution.
But they often didn't get enoughtime and space to do that as
children.
So a great example would belike, you know, the mom who's
(31:26):
always finishing the kid'ssentence for them, or the mom
who's always kind of over or thedad or whatever, the caregiver
who's overly always overridingwhat that child authentically
wants or desires or thinks thatthey need.
They'll be like, oh, you don'treally need that, you need this.
And so there's the concept oftheir own authentic needs and
(31:50):
desires gets overridden quite alot.
Leah (31:53):
Yeah, there's also a way with which, how they deal with
problems is they just hunkerdown.
And, it's like, enduring is sucha great title for this
particular strategy, becausethey endure.
They're good at letting thingsroll off their back.
Going with the flow.
They're probably the mostaccommodating out of all of the
(32:17):
strategies in my opinion.
They're also really grounded.
Naturally.
It's one of their gifts thatthey're the be the person that
you kind of naturally feel safeto, everyone wants to sit next
to an endure on the bus.
So it's like a lot of teachershave this strategy type because
they're pretty, they don't getupset very easily.
(32:38):
They're not, ugh.
Dr. (32:41):
Dr. Willow
Leah (32:43):
non reactive generally is a, one thing that's A great gift
of theirs.
Here's where they can get introuble is they let things roll
off their shoulders.
They let things roll off theirshoulders.
They let things roll off theirshoulders over and over and over
and over and over until suddenlythey're backed into a corner and
(33:04):
there's nowhere else to go.
They are in a corner and theironly option left is to push out.
And so there's something,there's an enduring anger.
That is a suppressed part oftheir emotional system.
And so then they push back.
And when they push back, they'reoften turn around and never look
(33:27):
back.
And so if you've ever had arelationship or friendship or
somebody in your life who you'relike, well, gosh, they sure
overreacted.
And then they just disappeared.
What the hell?
It's you press the last buttonof an endure.
Dr. Willow (33:41):
Dr. Willow
Leah (33:42):
Leah
And so that's one of the thingsyou'll see in an enduro.
Also, enduros tend to have apropensity towards depression.
and how I would describe theirdepression would be to be
pressed down.
To be sort of that, thatrepressed part of them that when
they comes to a problem, theyhave to sort of brood like
(34:05):
Willow said.
And if you're in a relationshipwith an endurer, you got to give
them space..
Their processing system is alittle bit longer.
And they need the time in theright to have boundaries.
Because a lot of times theybecame an endurer because what
was around them, people were inchaos and they had to sit still
(34:28):
and endure the storm, weatherthe storm.
And so they've learned how tosit still, sit quiet, and, be
left alone.
Dr. Willow (34:37):
Dr. Willow
Yeah, I think.
And on that note, they do havea, an incredible ability and
talent for, you know, meditationcomes a little bit more
naturally, a little bit moreeasily to them because they can
just be in that stillness andthat quiet space.
It's comfortable for them.
I would say probably a lot ofindoors also can be very
introverted.
But when they do, when theycan't take it anymore, you don't
(35:00):
want to be in their way.
It's like, you know, you finallyget that bull going with the
plow.
And when, once it gets going,look out because the energy and
the force behind it is reallystrong.
So they have an incredible, downand in energy system.
And so they, they are able toground so easily.
They're so, you know, when
Leah (35:21):
Leah
Dr. Willow (35:22):
So embodied when you see people who are like, they're
so grounded, you know, it'spotentially they run this as a
strategy.
I definitely run it as asecondary
Leah (35:32):
Yeah, both Willow and I, these are our secondary
strategies.
How would you say the endure, issexually?
What's their jam?
Dr. Willow (35:42):
Oh God they're fun sexually because they're so in
their bodies, right?
They're for they have I feellike they have a lot of access
to their first and secondchakra.
And then if they're confident inthat I mean fuck it's game on.
Leah (35:54):
Yeah, I think also they're good at holding space.
They're good at being present.
So, so one of the things theyreally bring to the table in
intimacy and in sexuality is afeeling of safety and feeling of
like, this is natural.
And so you tend to find yourcomfort zone really quickly,
like intimacy tends to be prettyquick with an indoor because
(36:15):
they already feel good in theirskin.
Dr. Willow (36:18):
Yeah, they're good in their
Leah (36:19):
Leah
They're not tripping on it.
Yeah.
Dr. Wil (36:22):
Dr. Willow
Leah (36:23):
And their body types are very strong.
They tend to be more, bottomheavy.
And so you can kind of feel likewhen they're walking in their
body, they're really walking intheir body.
Dr. Willow (36:34):
they've got, like,
Le (36:35):
Leah
a lovely prance.
Dr. W (36:39):
Dr. Willow
Very light on their
Leah (36:42):
Uh, Where, where a merger kind of swings their
D (36:45):
Dr. Willow
time,
Leah (36:47):
And so, you know, Willow mentioned that with leavers, the
energy goes up with endures theenergy goes down and with
mergers, the energy goes to theheart.
Dr. Willow (36:58):
Dr. Willow
That makes sense.
Okay, so, beyond the enduring,we go next to the rigid pattern.
Which is, you know, maybe, thisis around the developmental age
of like, Okay I'm five, I'm six,I'm a person.
you've got more of a personacoming online, more ego coming
(37:20):
online, yeah, exactly.
And so,
L (37:23):
Leah
You know, like, you start tolearn how to pick out your
clothes and you know, you mightstart having homework and those
things like that.
You got a little teeny bit moreresponsibility.
Dr. (37:35):
Dr. Willow
feel safe, their strategy to getthemselves back to safety is to
hyper organize.
It's the rigid pattern.
So think about like type A kindof people, you know.
They're like, don't put thatthere, put it right here, two
inches away from where I justhad it.
You know, it's like, they can bethey can be very critical of
(37:59):
themselves and others.
That's that's
Leah (38:02):
Leah
D (38:03):
Dr. Willow
You know, it's really notcomfortable.
They don't want to be stuck inthat judgment place.
But it's just, it's how they arekeeping themselves from getting
hurt.
So,
Leah (38:14):
Yeah, Yeah, well, I would say that, like, oftentimes this
gets put into place because ofparents expectations and then
what they don't give.
So for a lot of rigid patternstrategy types, the parent is,
You have to be perfect.
(38:34):
You have to do well.
Our expectation for you is youhave to hit this benchmark, and
if you don't...
So, what they learn is that whenthey're perfect, they get love.
And so they become very,oriented to play by the rules.
If you play by the rules, you'llbe a success.
So they become very good atstructure and putting things in
(38:56):
order and towing the line.
So they're also going to be, youknow, the kids and the adults
that are upholders of rules.
Rules mean safety.
And because approval was oftenstingy in their childhood that
is what has caused themoftentimes to have this
(39:16):
propensity to judge.
And one thing you have to knowis that if you have someone in
your life who does the rigidstrategy and you often feel
judged by them, a place thatwill lead you to more compassion
is that whatever they're judgingyou for, they're turning that
around on themselves and they'rejudging themselves three times
worse.
(39:37):
It's that inner dialogue thatthey have in the private moments
of their psyche where they'rereally hard on themselves as if
that's the motivation that theyneed to be perfect.
And one of their core wounds isnot being connected to their
emotional body.
So it's like their core isthere, but if you think of like
(39:58):
bamboo, it's a strong core, butit's hollow on the inside.
when they're in a pattern andthey're triggered, it's more
difficult to connect to whatthey're feeling.
And if they can start to learnthat, that's helpful, you know,
then they want to use thestrategy differently.
Dr. (40:17):
Dr. Willow
pattern, it's one of the morechallenging ones for me to coach
because of that disconnectionfrom emotions and from feeling.
Because I am always doing someout of emotional release with
people.
So I'm like, where do you feelit in your body?
What's
Leah (40:35):
Leah
Dr. Willow (40:36):
And they're like, I don't know.
Like they
Leah (40:38):
Leah
Dr (40:39):
Dr. Willow
So I've had to, you know, kindof do some workarounds with that
pattern style.
It's
Lea (40:46):
Leah
Dr. Willow (40:47):
very, very in their heads.
Leah (40:49):
Leah
by emotional people real easily.
Dr. Willow (40:55):
Dr. Willow
I would say sexually too.
There's sort this kind of like,
Leah (41:00):
They can be a little rule bound.
Dr. Willow (41:01):
Yeah, a little rule bound, like, it's gotta go in
this direction, this timing, andthis, you know, this needs to be
there and that needs to be inplace, so there can be a bit of
a but that can also be reallyfun, right?
Le (41:14):
Leah
discipline.
So there
Dr. Willow (41:18):
like they make great dominatrixes.
Leah (41:21):
there's definitely a place where if you, can eroticize the
power of discipline, that's aplace where one can really,
really powerfully expand withthis pattern type.
Not to say that you have to golooking for BDSM or that's going
to be a thing for you, but whereyou can use discipline in your
life, both in your intimatelife, like getting healthy and
(41:41):
eating good.
There's no better accountabilitybuddy than a rigid.
If you're looking to improve asector of your life that
requires discipline, they aresuch good role models in that.
Dr. Willow (41:55):
Dr. Willow
Leah (41:55):
Um, and they thrive on, I mean, I was just hanging out
with two rigids the other dayand they do the light side of
rigid so beautiful.
And I was like, I want to likediscipline.
You make it look so good.
It just doesn't, that doesn'tsound pleasurable to me.
Like, What I'm whining like aclassic merger and and they're
(42:17):
like, well, no, the reward comesafter, they love the reward that
comes the high that comes fromdoing something really hard.
And some people think, Oh rigid,because they have a way to
organize things, that meansthey're a clean freak.
And only some
Dr. Willow (42:34):
Dr. Willow
Leah (42:35):
You know, they'll be, but there'll be areas in their life
that they're super methodicalabout.
They make incredible managersand leadership roles and that
kind of thing.
Great at delegating.
Dr. Willow (42:46):
They really have an ability
Leah (42:48):
Leah
Dr. Willow (42:49):
Yeah, to take like a messy situation and just put it
into an organized, likecohesive, understandable
structure.
Structure feels safe to them.
Like they really feel like theycan, be in their true essence
and in their true glory whenthere's a good structure in
place.
(43:10):
So.
After the rigid, we go into, theage range of more like, okay,
now I'm, now I'm a, like alittle person, like 7, 8, 9, I'm
getting closer to like thetransformation of teens, yeah.
so this will be the, what wecall the aggressive pattern.
(43:30):
And this style is, they reallyorient to the truth.
So what are the facts?
This is really important forthem because usually this age
range they were parentified insome way where their caregiver,
their parents, didn't have theknack for parenting, or they
(43:52):
couldn't hold the container,whatever.
Like, maybe they werealcoholics, or maybe they were
workaholics, or maybe they justweren't there at all.
And so the kid had to step upand be like, okay, I'll take
care of it.
You know, this is the kid whotook care of all their younger
siblings, because the parentsweren't available.
My grandparents had 15 children.
(44:13):
So there's a lot of
Le (44:15):
Leah
Dr. Willow (44:16):
yeah, there's a lot of aggressive pattern style in
my, in that great big familystructure because they were all
taking care of the younger kids.
You know, they all gotparentified young, the young
age, not all, but many.
And so it's very interesting towatch this pattern style.
This is also a challenging onefor me, and I tended, in the
past, to attract them inintimacy, in intimate
(44:40):
relationships.
And so, of course, whenever theywould get into their strategy of
keeping themselves safe andprotecting themselves, their
energy goes out, kind of like,out directly at you.
So it can feel reallyoverwhelming for someone with
the leaving pattern, such asmyself.
Leah (44:59):
Leah
And also big, when they'reupset, boy.
Dr. Wil (45:04):
Dr. Willow
When you walk into the room, ifyou're in their glory, if you're
in their limelight, like you aregoing to feel like the star of
the show.
Like they shine a really biglight.
Leah (45:16):
Leah
Dr. Will (45:16):
Dr. Willow
Leah (45:18):
Leah
That's why they're soattractive.
It's like when they're presentwith you, it's like they're
shining the sun on you.
And when it's nighttime they'reshining the moon on you.
They are so delicious becausethey're powerful and they're
competent and they had to be.
They had to be, they had tolearn super fast.
(45:40):
So they got good at a lot ofthings because their survival
depended on it.
And their core wound is, I don'ttrust anybody.
Because they couldn't trusttheir caregivers to really keep
them safe.
And so they had to grow up fastthey got incredible street
smarts and they are able to knowwhere danger is and they're kind
(46:01):
of, they have great, they're thetype of people who jump out of
airplanes, you know, they mightjoin the military and be super
successful in it.
They have this adrenalineconnection.
They can do super scary thingsand make it seem so easy.
And they have a struggle withasking for help.
(46:21):
Asking for help is like meaningdeath, you know.
It means weakness.
Dr. Willow (46:26):
Dr. Willow
It's hard for them to trust thatanyone can do it as good as they
can, because they learned earlyon, nobody can do it as good as
I can.
I have to do it myself.
Lea (46:36):
Leah
have a knee jerk reaction tofight.
You know, it's that we don't, wedo not flee, we do not freeze,
we fight.
And so they often have had partsof their childhood where there's
been considerable violence.
And as someone who's oftentimesin relationship with an
(47:01):
aggressive pattern type, they'regreat protectors.
They watch out for everybody andthey watch out for the little
guy.
They really can be the hero, butsometimes they can have hero
complexes and you know, theywant to always rescue the damsel
in distress or they want to bethe knight in shining armor.
(47:22):
And because of this not being toask for help, oftentimes their
adrenals burn out.
They go, go, go, go, go.
And then they flatline orthey'll get in an accident that
forces them to ask for help, youknow, like the hospital and
where, where the choice to askfor help is taken away from them
(47:43):
because they refuse to payattention to the signs.
So then it's forced on them.
And that's a health crisis rightthere.
Don't let that happen.
Dr. (47:53):
Dr. Willow
Leah (47:54):
Yeah, get comfortable with vulnerability.
Dr. Willow (47:56):
That's the beauty of like understanding and knowing
these styles and thesestrategies of keeping yourself
safe and then really understandespecially if you're getting
into a new relationship youstart dating someone new and you
understand what their strategiesare then you can you all of a
sudden you have a lot moreLeeway with them.
You're like, okay, that's justthe way they are gonna keep
(48:17):
themselves safe and protectthemselves from getting their
heart hurt and that's cool.
Okay, then they run the enduringpattern.
Great.
Well, let me give them plenty oftime and space to come to their
own truth and their ownconclusion.
Or, oh, look they run theaggressive pattern.
That means I can really givethem the facts, give them the
truth straight up as I see it.
(48:39):
The truth about the truth isthat there's as many truths on
this planet as there are people.
It's perspective, right?
But, facts.
Like, they want to know.
So, my ex runs this aggressivestyle.
And you know, it's always about,well, this is what you said.
Leah (48:57):
Leah
D (48:58):
Dr. Willow
You know, and it's like, okay.
Yeah, okay, maybe I did.
I don't remember I said.
Leah (49:04):
My ex too was always like, always remembered word for word
the conversation and I'm like, Iwas emotional.
Give me break
Dr. Wil (49:13):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:13):
to just be with what was true then.
You know?
Dr. Willow (49:16):
Yeah, it's different now and in
Leah (49:18):
What I feel matters, man.
That interpretation of what Ifeel really matters.
I mean, that happened.
That's a fact.
Dr. (49:25):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:27):
Leah
That actually was not factual.
Dr (49:31):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:34):
Leah
Dr. W (49:35):
Dr. Willow
is the info, this is whathappened, these are the facts,
or these are the stats, theseare the, you know, they'll look
up you know, my ex was alwayslooking up, like, stats and
info.
Like actual facts around it,scientific evidence, you know,
that was how he understood thetruth.
(49:57):
And so, you know, So, you know,it's really, it's a powerful,
powerful pattern, actually.
I really love that pattern, andit's taken me a while to love
them.
But
Leah (50:05):
Well, I think it's easy to love them.
It's when they're triggered.
D (50:10):
Dr. Willow
For me, especially as a leaver
Lea (50:13):
Leah
when they are both triggered,the aggressive can be so
overwhelming that it's reallyhard for a Leaver to stay in
their body and hold it becauseit just pushes them right out.
Dr. Willow (50:28):
Dr. Willow
Leah (50:29):
So part of the mastery is for the aggressive to have
enough self awareness so that,and this is true for all the
patterns, then you start tolearn the skill of what I like
to refer to as energeticresponsibility.
Because what these triggers feellike is the impact of energy.
It's, I am in overwhelm rightnow.
(50:49):
And now my energy is notcontained.
It's not centered.
I'm not connected to my core.
I'm now in a state.
My heart rate is going up, whichmakes it harder to really hear
and listen and to gainperspective from somebody else.
And so we have a way with whichour direction scatters.
And when we can start to learnhow to contain our energy and
(51:12):
take really exquisite good careof ourselves when we find
ourselves in a triggered statewhere our pattern wants to take
over, if we can start to learnabout those sensations, those
feelings and what those signsare.
It doesn't mean you stop goinginto pattern, but what it means
is you start having things inplace, tools that will help you
(51:35):
come back from that patternedstate, so that you're less
triggered, and the more practiceyou have with that, suddenly you
can go, wow, I'm not going intopattern, even though I'm
triggered.
I now have a different strategyfor helping me stay present, for
helping me stay connected to mybody, for checking out what's
(51:57):
going on, and for my ability tobe in compassionate partnership
to resolving conflict with thepeople that I'm in conflict
with.
And when you have this, thesetools, then you're also able to
see the people that you love inpattern and you're able to
facilitate the right kind ofcommunication and language and
(52:19):
create an energetic field.
I know not everyone knows whatthat means, but be able to
energetically hold you and attimes hold them in a particular
way that assists them in comingout of pattern or no longer
needing their strategy to be inharmony with their environment.
Dr. Willow (52:38):
Dr. Willow
Leah (52:39):
Leah
D (52:40):
Dr. Willow
Instead of being in a triggerfest with your partner, like
ping ponging back and forth, mytrigger, your trigger, I'm in
pattern, you're in pattern, I'mkeeping myself safe.
Leah (52:50):
Leah
Dr. (52:51):
Dr. Willow
Leah (52:53):
Leah
Dr. (52:54):
Dr. Willow
You take responsibility for yourown energy system, and you find
your way to presence.
Really?
I do like to say like you're inpattern or you're in presence.
And you can be present to thefact that you're in pattern,
sure, but you're still not inpresence because when you're
(53:16):
truly, truly in presence thatthere's, there, there is no
space for pattern.
Like it's not, you're in a nondualistic place, so there's not
an I'm a this or an I'm a that.
L (53:26):
Leah
one of the first things that canhelp you connect to presence is
tracking sensations in your
D (53:35):
Dr. Willow
Le (53:37):
Leah
You know, noticing where youfeel tight and contracted.
Dr. Willow (53:42):
You're noticing that heat rising up from your belly.
You're noticing, like, and ifyou're looking at your partner,
you're noticing their pupilsdilate.
You're noticing, like, theircapacity to be present with you
is limited.
So, their amygdala is...
On fuego, and you want to beable to read, you know, your own
(54:02):
system, get yourself into astate of presence.
And then you can be with yourpartner who's clearly in a state
of trigger and pattern as well.
What our teachers often willsay, like, you know, 90% of
people are in pattern 95% of thetime.
So our goal is not to ever,like, completely eradicate these
patterns, but rather to learnhow to live with them and maybe
(54:25):
to live outside of them, like
Leah (54:28):
Leah
Dr (54:29):
Dr. Willow
Leah (54:32):
Because the light side of the strategies are so
spectacular.
And if anything, the goal wouldbe, how can I adopt the light
side of all the patterns?
How can I be more skillful atadopting the genius zone of
these various pattern typesbecause they're all skills that
(54:52):
we can learn and the more thatwe understand the patterns, the
more compassion, the more love,and the more skill we have in
our partnerships with everyone.
Because everyone is going tohave these childhood strategies
that take them out of presenceand that take them out of their
heart and out of their abilityto be grounded and to stay in
the loving.
(55:13):
So, this is just fascinating,ways of understanding ourselves.
And I find it so interesting howthe bodies end up developing,
like, with the aggressivepattern type, they tend to have
really muscular strength.
They have strong cores,musculature, very athletic,
(55:33):
comes super natural.
It's a skill that they have.
That's kind of a talent.
And so let's run through themand we'll just kind of give you
the names again and just giveyou just a couple words to
highlight what they do whenthey're in patterns.
So the first one is the leavingpattern, which is an easy one to
remember because they...
they leave.
Dr. Will (55:54):
Dr. Willow
Leah (55:55):
And the second pattern is the merger and what do they do?
They puddle.
They fall apart when they gointo pattern.
Then we have the Endurer andthey go down.
And they buckle in.
I'll give you just anothermetaphor for the Endurer.
It's almost like when they gettriggered, they've got tent
(56:18):
stakes, right?
And they drive those tent stakesdeep into the ground and they
are not gonna budge.
They're just gonna, they'regonna sit and they're gonna
endure it.
Now we have the rigid.
Dr. Willow (56:30):
Dr. Willow
Leah (56:32):
And they go when they get triggered, they're gonna go to
their head and they're gonna gosuper analytical and they're
devoid of their emotionalconnection.
Aggressive is going to see it asa competition and it's going to
be something they must win.
So they're going to goforcefully into the conflict and
(56:54):
they are, they're going to getbigger than you.
You know, they're going to getso big that no one else can
fight back.
So even in the smallest ofbodies people tend to go, forget
it.
Winning isn't, this is useless.
I can never win with you.
Dr. Willow (57:10):
Dr. Willow
Leah (57:10):
Leah
Dr. Willow (57:12):
Yeah, so the value of, this is an absolute game
changer for intimaterelationships, for all of your
intimate relationships.
That includes your relationshipswith your parents, with your
children, with your dearest offriends, with yourself, yes,
with your partner.
And and people that you're closeto at work.
It is absolutely going to turnyour perspective on its head in
(57:38):
a good way so that you canactually move your relationships
forward in a way that feelshealthy, in a way that It feels
nourishing to both sides andreally brings forth more love in
between you.
More connection.
More understanding.
It's about understanding.
(57:59):
It's like, let me understand howyou keep yourself safe so that I
can understand you and I canbring you to
Leah (58:05):
Leah
Dr. (58:06):
Dr. Willow
Leah (58:08):
There is it's a beautiful system if you're a facilitator,
if you're a teacher, if you rungroups, if you are in a manager
or leadership position, if youare an entrepreneur and you've
got staff, it's one of thosethings from where you can really
hold the group.
(58:29):
and get underneath the entiregroup where you are modeling how
to be there for people when theyfind themselves stuck.
And if you're doing that from agroup standpoint, how you model
that ends up being a model forother people so that the culture
within your working becomes moreharmonious, more useful, more
(58:51):
collaborative.
So with that we'll have a fewmore episodes, you know, going
deeper into this whole process.
and we're gonna take it to thenext level Yeah.
Love, love, love.
SxR Announcer (59:04):
Thanks for tuning in.
Leah Piper is a tantric sexmaster coach and a positive
psychology facilitator.
Dr.
Willow Brown is both a Chineseand functional medicine doctor
and a Taoist sexology teacher.
Don't forget, your comments,likes, subscribes, and
suggestions matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
Dr. Willow
Willow Brown.
I'm your Taoist expert here atSex Reimagined.
Leah (01:19):
And I'm Leah Piper, your Tantra expert at Sex Reimagined.
Dr. Willow (01:23):
And today, Leah and I, just the two of us, talk in
depth about ways that we keepourselves safe in intimacy, and
in all kinds of areas of ourlife, and also how those ways
that we keep ourselves safe alsoblock us from the love, the
(01:43):
sexuality, the intimacy, thetrue, true desires that lie deep
in our heart.
Le (01:48):
Leah
because you get to see how ourchildhood shapes how we handle
getting triggered.
So we're going to talk to youabout all the amazing stages of
development that would teachyour nervous system to pick up
various strategies.
So, you gotta tune in
Dr. Willow (02:07):
Dr. Willow
and fall in love With us.
S (02:13):
SxR Announcer
sex is shame free and pleasureforward.
Let's get into the show.
D (02:22):
Dr. Willow
know, seven years.
She did seven years straight,but it's been many years since
then and she uses it constantlyand it's what makes her so
special.
Such an incredible teacher andher ability to kind of like read
a room is really profoundbecause of this medicine.
So I dove into it a couple ofyears, maybe like four or four
(02:43):
years ago.
And you know, it's been aprofound, it's been a game
changer, especially in moretriggering areas of life, like
in intimacy, in sexuality, infinancials, in, you know, home
and family.
So we wanted to share it withyou because we think it is
foundational to having a greatintimate and powerful love life.
Leah (03:05):
Leah
I mean this has become so usefulin partnership, in your
relationships at work, in yourrelationships to your kids, in
relationship to your partner, inrelationship to your best
friends.
And so what we're talking abouthere is a model of pattern
typing that allows us tounderstand how we get triggered
(03:26):
and what we need to do to getout of trigger.
You're probably all aware ofastrology.
Maybe you know about humandesign.
Maybe you know about theEnneagram.
You know, we've got all thesedifferent systems that have
found a formula that haspatterns that people relate to
that help them understandthemselves.
(03:47):
And so this is a system alsothat has created a formula that
makes sense where people havebeen able to study.
In particular, the originator ofthis work is William Reich and,
Wilhelm, I always screw that up.
Wilhelm.
I apologize.
Dr (04:03):
Dr. Willow
He was one of Freud's directdescendants and he was
brilliant.
If you don't know who he is,look it up on Wikipedia and
Leah (04:11):
And he's a little naughty.
I mean, he had some reallyinteresting,
Dr. Willow (04:15):
Dr. Willow
I mean, he actually, heactually, developed the whole
cure for cancer back in the 20swith the Orgone therapy machine.
Leah (04:24):
Leah
The machine!
Dr. Willow (04:25):
The machine and like all
Leah (04:27):
Leah
Dr (04:27):
Dr. Willow
destroyed.
And then he died one year intohis two year sentence in prison.
Oh,
Leah (04:36):
Leah
But, that doesn't mean thisisn't brilliant.
Dr. Will (04:40):
Dr. Willow
That's why he got, you know, hisshit
Le (04:43):
Leah
And, and since then, it hasdifferent types of iterations
and different types of nuancesand people have renamed the
code, these pattern typing overthe years because the original
names were a little eek.
weak.
Dr (04:59):
Dr. Willow
what the hell are they talkingabout pattern?
You can think about these asstrategies.
Strategies to keep yourselfsafe.
Strategies to keep yourselfprotected.
Strategies to keep yourself fromgetting hurt.
To get your, keep yourself fromgetting hurt physically, but
also emotionally.
And primarily emotionally.
This is a lot of, like, deeppsychology.
(05:19):
In fact, in psychology, mostpsychologists will study this a
little bit to some degree.
So, um.
Leah (05:26):
written, mentioned in so many different books.
Dr. Willow (05:28):
Dr. Willow
Yeah.
Leah (05:29):
Leah
Dr. Wil (05:34):
Dr. Willow
Leah (05:36):
Leah
Mm
Dr. Willo (05:37):
Dr. Willow
That's it.
That's where you'll get it themost.
And then it's also in EasternBody, Western Mind.
It's in Brene Brown's
L (05:45):
Leah
Dr. Willow (05:46):
Dr. Willow
Not Brene Brown.
Sorry.
Barbara Brennan.
Leah (05:49):
Leah
So, you know, one of the thingsthat I think sets it apart from
other systems that take a lookat, you know, helping us make
sense of ourselves.
a lot of those other.
systems have to do more with ourpersonality.
And I, my experience is thatthis has to do with the body.
(06:11):
It is showing how as we wereyounger we came up with
strategies that helped ussurvive our childhood.
Even if we had awesome parents,there are still gaps and holes
that happened in our childhoodthat we had to navigate in order
to grow up.
Right?
So whether that was a trauma,something really significant
like you know maybe there was abirth trauma and you had a hard
(06:33):
time coming into the world, ormaybe you were left crying in
your crib for too long or maybeyou
Dr (06:40):
Dr. Willow
brother.
Le (06:43):
Leah
Yeah.
Cancer.
I mean, it could, it's runs thegamut of when you have something
in life that's kind of aninflection point and you, and
you may not even know it.
You may not even have thosememories.
It doesn't matter.
The point is, what I'm trying toget to is that when there are
times in life where energy hitsus.
(07:04):
hits our nervous system, and wedon't know how to manage it, and
so the body has to orient tothat, and it creates strategies
and ways of holding the energyso that we can get through the
crisis and move on.
And as an adult, you know, wecan all recognize that we get
triggered by other people.
We get triggered by lifecircumstances, we get triggered
(07:26):
by friends, family, and so on,and that causes a reaction.
And if you look back on yourlife, you can probably see that
you've got a pattern regardingcertain issues and what gets
that reaction out of you.
Some people have abandonmentissues.
Some people hate to be yelledat.
Some people don't like reallyloud environments with tons of
(07:49):
people.
There's all sorts of reasons whywe can kind of get triggered and
go into a pattern response.
And so as we kind of go on inthis episode, we're going to
share more and more with youwhat those look like and then
you can start to try them on andgo, Hmm.
That resonates with me.
That's something that reallyfeels like I might do.
(08:11):
And what I love about the systemis that it gives us ways to come
out of pattern because thesestrategies from childhood stop
being effective.
Instead of you know, helping uswhen we were kids, they start to
be problematic as adults.
And what we want to do is wewant to stay out of pattern,
right?
(08:32):
And the other cool thing aboutthis system is that there kind
of has a shadow side that we canwork with for our personal
growth so that we can stay inharmony as much as possible.
But there's also a light side.
There's talents and there'sgifts that come from these
strategies that allow us to givethose gifts to the world.
Dr. Willow (08:50):
Yeah, as we kind of give you the overview today of
these styles of protectingyourself, of keeping yourself
safe, and yes, they were workingfor you in childhood.
They did work to you to somedegree throughout your life.
But you're most likely at apoint in your life now where
they're actually blocking you.
They're actually a roadblock anda barrier to receiving the love
(09:11):
and the intimacy that you truly,truly desire in your heart.
Because we're so busy keepingourselves safe, and it becomes
this unconscious thing.
It's a habit.
You could call it a pattern, astrategy, it's a habit.
It's now something that'singrained in you, and it's
subconscious.
You're not conscious of doingit, but we all do it.
And and the best thing we can dois learn about it, understand
(09:34):
it, and start to see where we'redoing it, especially in our
intimate relationships.
Because what is the point ofbeing in an intimate
relationship anyway?
It's to have a reflection, amirror, somebody that you can
see yourself through and godeeper and learn more about
yourself through.
So, that's what I love aboutthese, this style of personality
(09:54):
pattern typing, because it's notso much who you are.
It's not your propensity like,you know, I'm an Aquarius and my
propensity is this way or thatway.
It's more like if it's mydefault.
(11:39):
It's my default that I go to ifI don't feel safe.
And so...
Leah (11:43):
Leah
Dr. Willow (11:44):
Yeah, so when you're a child, and you experience
either an overt trauma or just amoment of like, ah, I don't know
what to do with this.
I don't my nervous system can'thandle this, then you develop
sort of this style of keepingyourself safe.
And it depends on what age youare.
Like, if you're pre verbal, ifit's before you learn to speak,
(12:06):
it's gonna be a little bitdifferent than after you have
that developmental skill.
Yeah.
And then, you know, as you growinto like five, five, five, six,
seven, it's like, Ooh, yourego's coming online now.
It's like, Oh, now you're alittle person.
And so that's going to be alittle bit different of a
strategy as well.
So it's really fascinating towatch, like at what point in
(12:29):
your life did your parents getdivorced or did you have that
overt trauma or did you just,you know, not get nourished in
some way.
Leah (12:38):
Leah
Dr. Willow (12:38):
and to notice like, Oh yeah, I was about three years
old.
Oh yeah, I do run that style ofkeeping myself safe and
protecting myself.
Leah (12:47):
And really, like, even the childhood story is not very
important.
It's, it, what's important isthat you're noticing the sort of
the pattern that repeats itselfwhen you get triggered because
there's certain categories ofthat.
And then once you have thatinformation, like, oh yeah, I
kind of do that, then you canstart looking for, how long have
(13:07):
I been doing that?
When did that start?
And what is the likelihoodaccording to my parent's style
of patterning?
of parenting, rather.
What their style of parentingwill really inform what ends up
arising in the way that yourpatterns end up identifying
themselves.
(13:28):
I, I notice there's a verysignificant correlation between
parenting and how these getestablished in our bodies.
Although not always.
Sometimes it's an outside eventthat kind of triggers the
patterns developing.
And also just because yourparents have a particular
pattern type or strategy type,it doesn't mean that you'll have
(13:50):
the same one as them.
Dr. (13:51):
Dr. Willow
A lot of times it can be thetotal polar opposite, in
Leah (13:55):
Leah
Dr (13:56):
Dr. Willow
Without further ado.
Leah (13:58):
Yeah, I, if I just want to mention one more thing and we'll
jump in is you have a primarypattern type, the one that you
lead with, and then you have asecondary strategy type.
And you'll have to forgive me,I'm gonna, I would prefer using
the word strategy, but I'vebeen, I learned this using the
word pattern, but I, the reason,the significance about using
(14:19):
strategy is when we say patterntype, I think that sometimes
people over identify.
They start calling themselvesthe pattern as if that's who
they are when really it's not.
It's just something that we do.
So I'm on I'm kind of learning anew way of communicating this.
So yeah let's jump in.
Oh, I forgot to mention thesecondary.
(14:40):
Sorry, I got sidetracked.
So we have a primary, which islike the one we lead with.
It's our go to trigger.
And then when that doesn't work,because sometimes your primary,
like you roll it out and noone's responding.
So then you got to lean intoyour secondary and see if
that'll pull you out of thecrisis or that'll somehow solve
the problem.
or sometimes your secondary justfeels like it's the job for this
(15:03):
certain situation.
The other cool thing abouthaving a primary and secondary
is that you get all those giftsfrom both pattern types.
So, just want to preface that by
D (15:11):
Dr. Willow
So there's you know, when I wasin the womb, when I was way back
when I was in utero, a
Leah (15:19):
I was making eyeballs and elbows and Ha toes.
Dr. Willow (15:24):
My dad fell off the roof.
He was, he's a contractor and sohe was working on the roof and
on our house and he fell off theroof and it caused my mom a lot
of stress.
You know, it caused her a ton ofjust like, her whole nervous
system got all her panties in abunch, right?
So she was stressed out.
So of course there I was in theutero receiving all of that
(15:48):
cortisol, receiving all of thatstress to my nervous system.
And my mom, God bless her, tendsto be a professional warrior in
general, right?
So not only was that kind ofthe, one of the things in utero,
but it carried on throughout mylife.
So there was this feeling that Igot in the womb of like, Ooh, I
(16:10):
don't know if it's safe.
I don't know if it's safe to bein a body.
I'm not sure if I want to becoming into this world.
And so it's very interestingbecause a lot of the clients
that come to me have had thatexperience.
Experience at one point oranother where they're like, I
just don't really wanna be here.
I don't really wanna be in thisbody.
I'm not sure about
Leah (16:28):
never felt like I belong.
Dr. W (16:30):
Dr. Willow
I don't feel safe.
And so it's taken me a long timeto really drop into being
confident in my body, safe in mybody.
That's just been part of mylife's journey.
And, you know, I'm so gratefulto be where I am on it.
I'm a very embodied woman atthis point in my journey and
(16:50):
have been for a long time, butthat experience in utero kind of
set me up for a strategy.
for keeping myself safe, whichwas to, you know, if things got
overwhelming to my system, Iwould leave.
I would flee.
I would either in my mind or inmy body, I would physically
(17:12):
leave.
So throughout the years, into myteens, like if I was getting
into a sexual experience, thatwas overwhelming or not working
for me, I would disassociate.
So that's one of the first,strategies for keeping yourself
safe that I think a lot ofpeople identify with, especially
(17:33):
a lot of people who come to Leahand I because, you know, they're
trying to find their embodiedsensuality and sexuality and
really you have to be in yourbody to open up your sexuality.
And, and it.
Le (17:45):
Leah
Dr. Willow (17:48):
So much pleasure and joy and bliss, and we have to be
able to stay present to ourphysicality in that state.
So,
Leah (17:57):
Leah
pattern type, the leaver, that'sthe name of it, the leaver, has
a a closer relationshipoftentimes to disassociation.
It's just it's kind of like theygo to their safe place.
And people do this even ifyou're not a leaving pattern.
One of the things if you'venoticed that you've experienced
(18:18):
disassociation and it's abrilliant thing that the body
knows how to do, thank God weknow how to, you know, go away.
When we are in a traumaticexperience so that our psyche
stays safe.
And so some people, they go up,some people, go to a place in
their mind.
I noticed that I go to a tree,usually outside of a window.
(18:40):
And so when you have the leavingpattern, you may have a more,
you might have more awareness toyour habit of being in a
stressful situation and justgoing away.
That would be the thing to tuneinto is your go to just to leave
when you are in fight, flight,or freeze, you choose to leave,
(19:04):
scatter, get out of there.
someone who tends to be intense,you might avoid that person.
So avoidancy could be part ofit.
You might, what's the word youmight be more introverted.
A lot of people who have theleading pattern just naturally
are more comfortable by, theirintrovertedness, and one of the
(19:26):
things that identify that, andI'm not saying that all
introverts have the leavingpattern, but, a lot of leavng
patterns get drained very easily
Dr. Willow (19:37):
By a lot of external activity.
Leah (19:40):
External activity can be a major drain, so they have to
take care of themselvesdifferently.
And they also need to restoreand really give themselves peace
and alone time.
Dr. Willow (19:53):
They need more of a quiet time.
And often this this protectivestrategy style, like, at some
point had some kind of physicalthing where they were like, oh,
don't, you know, waif like.
Like, don't want to be here, notstrong in my physical body.
I was anorexic for years, youknow.
I had, a lot of health issues.
(20:14):
And, you know, very kind of weakand fragile.
So I had to work hard to rebuildmy constitution, my original
constitution.
And, I think that, you know, oneof the beautiful things about
this strategy style is thereability to kind of go up and
out.
(20:34):
Like the energy runs through thebody in each one of these
pattern styles in differentways, so maybe we'll touch on
that a little bit.
So the energy for this one, it'slike, okay, overwhelming
situation.
I don't feel safe or just toomuch, like too much input to my
system, the energy will go upand it will go out.
Sort of to one side or theother, up and out.
(20:56):
And so there is also this,beautiful connection to,
heavenly energy, higherconsciousness, spirituality.
Psychic energy that we have.
So we have this ability to, ifwe can kind of mend and heal and
understand this, we can bringthat psychic, you know, higher
conscious energy down throughthe body and actually channel
(21:18):
it.
It's a really,
Leah (21:19):
Leah
Yeah, there's, it's like one oftheir superpowers is they're
able to go out to like thecollective everything that's out
there in the universe and theyare able to bring it back in.
So we have a lot of people whodo the leaving pattern who are
scientists, who aremathematicians and also artists
who are dancers who are inspiritual leadership roles.
(21:41):
So there's a way with whichthey're often connected to the
mystical realm, or they'reconnected to really complex
realms of shapes and science andmathematics.
And I always recognize thesepeople they're the ones who
like, I don't know, I alwaysthink that they get the easiest
test scores, like they don'thave to study as hard as the
rest of us.
Dr. Willow (22:02):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:03):
Oh, that wasn't your case, okay, okay.
Dr. Willow (22:05):
ass Off in school.
Leah (22:06):
I also noticed that like a lot of leavers, they'll ask me a
question.
And then they'll have the answerbefore I can come up with it.
It's almost like they go andpluck it out of my head.
So they're pretty fastprocessors,
Dr. Willow (22:18):
Dr. Willow
Yeah.
Lea (22:19):
Leah
many leavers who are in thetantra world.
And so sexually they can be veryconnected and intimate, but it's
always in relationship to howsafe they feel.
So, anything can bounce themout, but when they really are
(22:40):
there, they're some of the mostbeautific of people and they
have a certain body type.
A
Dr. Willow (22:47):
There's a real ange
Leah (22:49):
Leah
Dr. Willow (22:52):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:53):
Elegant structure in their
Dr. (22:55):
Dr. Willow
Leah (22:58):
Leah
Yes.
Yeah.
Very kind of
Dr. Will (23:02):
Dr. Willow
Fairy
Leah (23:03):
have a whimsy about them.
Yeah.
I, I would like to come back andand maybe be a leaver because
Dr. Willow (23:11):
Dr. Willow
Leah (23:12):
Leah
I really like their look.
Dr (23:15):
Dr. Willow
darling, which is the next one.
Okay, so, so if you're, okay,let's see, you didn't have a
trauma in utero or around ageone or, you know, in that age
range, kind of like before youreally were like, whoa, a body.
Okay.
Leah (23:29):
Leah
Pre verbal.
Dr (23:31):
Dr. Willow
physical, but it's coming intoyour physicality.
And then we go into like agetwo, two, three, where it's like
still kind of, you know, kind ofgetting language, it's starting
to come, a little taller, you'relike just kind of, your brain is
just like open and wide open andyou're like, I am in a body and
(23:51):
wow, there's so much to explore.
Let me put it in my mouth andfigure out what it is, you know.
Mm
Leah (23:56):
Leah
You're still very much dependenton your caregivers.
But you can start to move aroundon your own.
You are starting to discover theworld.
And you're starting to discoveryour physicality much more.
Your, your body and your, youknow, all that stuff.
Talking and,
Dr. Willow (24:13):
This is, this one's called the Merging Pattern.
Leah (24:15):
Leah
The merging pattern.
And so, this is a pattern that,I mean, As an adult, what can
often happen with this patternwhen they get triggered is they
can oftentimes feel lost.
They look outside themselvesespecially like when it comes to
getting the answer that theyneed, or getting the love that
(24:36):
they need, or getting thevalidation that they need, or
getting the approval that theyneed.
They're always sort of outside.
Trying to get the answer insteadof being able with the skill of
self referencing looking for theanswers that they need within.
So they have a oftentimes have astruggle with feelings of
(24:57):
worthlessness and am I loved?
Am I lovable?
And so there's almost likeThere's this well that can never
feels like I can get fullsometimes it feels bottomless.
Sometimes the emotions feelbottomless.
Sometimes the hunger feelsbottomless.
So, these people are also kindof called the pleasure loopers.
(25:18):
They're the ones who will, youknow, they'll be there for you
in the middle of the night ifyou're struggling with that
divorce.
They are, they pick up thephone.
They are good listeners.
They're good friends.
They give you the shirt offtheir back.
They really care and they wantto take care of those around
them.
If they're the host of theparty, you know, are you cold?
(25:39):
Let me change the temperature.
Are you hungry?
Let me fit you a sandwich.
does your neck hurt?
Let me rub your neck.
You know, they're just kind ofthe hostess with the mostest or
the host with the most, in termsof their desire to have
connection.
And their split, when theydeveloped the strategy, it was
usually because a need wentunmet.
(26:02):
Something happened around thatage of being a toddler where we
were left when we needed
Dr. Willow (26:10):
Nourishment of some
Leah (26:12):
nourishment, we needed to be protected because we were too
small to protect ourselves.
And so there's this feeling of,if I can just emerge, I can
finally get safe.
If I can get close enough, I'llbe okay.
And,
Dr. Willow (26:27):
Yeah, this is really the person you'll recognize them
in yourself or in your life andpeople in your life.
They're the people who are likeyou'll be like, do you want to
do this or do you want to dothat?
And they'll be like, well, whatdo you want to do?
You know, they'll ask well,well, whatever you want.
You know, they have this amazingability to go with the flow
(26:48):
because they
Leah (26:49):
They have the disease to please like nobody else.
Dr. Willow (26:53):
Dr. Willow
Leah (26:54):
Leah
Dr. Willow (26:55):
know how they feel once they know how you feel, you
know, so they're always lookingoutside of themselves to
reference somebody else'sfeelings to know how they should
feel.
And you see this in toddlers,whether they develop this
strategy or not.
It's like they fall down, goboom, and then they look up at
their parent and they're like,oh, should I be, should this be
(27:16):
a trauma?
should I start crying or shouldI be okay?
And if the parent is like, Oh,you're fine.
Then the kid's like, okay, yeah.
And they just get up and keepgoing around.
and then if the parent's like,oh my god, you poor kid, then
they will start going intocrying.
And so it's just that age range,you know, it's just that
developmental place that they'rein, their process.
(27:38):
And if they need a strategy, ifthey develop that protection
style at that age, then theyplay it out in the rest of their
lives.
Now, how does it show upsexually?
Leah (27:49):
Well, it can be really fun because of their pleasure
looping gifts.
Dr. Willow (27:53):
Dr. Willow
L (27:54):
Leah
Dr. Willow (27:57):
Dr. Willow
They're amazing lovers, amazingpartners.
They have
Leah (28:01):
Leah
Dr. (28:03):
Dr. Willow
Leah (28:05):
And their bodies tend to be very curvy and sensual, and
because they love the senses.
They love to taste, and that isa symbol for everything in life.
It's like, they love to tasteall the things, and then they
like to feel all the things.
If you go to like a workshop,this is the person that brings
(28:26):
all the stuff.
They've got a sheepskin rug anda cozy chair and all their
drinks and tons of snacks.
And then they offer you a snack.
Yes,
Dr. Willow (28:34):
Lavender spray for your face.
Leah (28:36):
Leah
It's like they have all theircomforts.
So if you looked in my pantry,you would see a great example of
a merger pattern it's like, I'mgoing to be safe if I've got
comfort and so it's like there'sthis thing we want to even merge
with the taste of food.
We want to merge with that cozyblanket.
We want to merge with comfort.
(28:56):
We're seeking comfort.
Dr. Willow (28:58):
Dr. Willow
Leah (28:59):
Leah
It seems like and yeah.
And so.
But, like, again, also sexuallyand in intimate partnership,
when we get triggered and wefeel lost and someone is
blocking us from merging withthem, we get scared and then we
can often puddle.
(29:19):
And it's like the puddle neverends.
There can be a neediness.
Oftentimes that comes with themerger strategy because we lose
ourselves.
And so one of the best thingsyou can do for a little merger
that's puddling is just staywith, what do you need?
And they're not going to havethe answer.
So you just stay with thatquestion until they can resource
(29:41):
it.
Dr. Willow (29:41):
Find their way out of the
Leah (29:42):
I hate that question, by the way.
D (29:44):
Dr. Willow
Leah (29:45):
When I'm upset, screw it, just tell me the answer, man.
Can't you see I'm suffering?
This is how you walk yourselfout.
Dr. (29:54):
Dr. Willow
So, let's, let's bypass, there'sa, there's another strategy
style that, that blends withthis,
Le (30:02):
Leah
Dr. Willow (30:04):
we'll, let's save it for the come to the free
webinar, y'all, because you'regonna want to know more about
L (30:09):
Leah
Dr. Wi (30:12):
Dr. Willow
Leah (30:13):
Leah
I would actually consider it aseparate
Dr. Willow (30:18):
Dr. Willow
Leah (30:19):
Leah
Yeah.
But it's definitely rooted inthe merger.
Dr. Wi (30:23):
Dr. Willow
move it forward.
So after after that toddlerperiod of development, then
you're like, you know, you'vegot some words, you've got some
language, you're cruisingaround, you're maybe like four,
three, four, four, five,something like that.
And then you drop into like, Oh,I'm not getting my needs met, or
(30:43):
I'm not safe, or I experiencedsome kind of trauma.
At this age, at thisdevelopmental stage, you go into
this pattern.
It's called the EnduringPattern.
And it's a strategy whereby youtake the energy all down and in.
And oh gosh, you're going torecognize these people.
These are the ones who like, ifsomething's bothering them,
(31:05):
they'll just Go sit in thecorner with it and kind of brood
and figure it out inside ofthemselves and work it this way
and that way until they can findtheir own solution.
But they often didn't get enoughtime and space to do that as
children.
So a great example would belike, you know, the mom who's
(31:26):
always finishing the kid'ssentence for them, or the mom
who's always kind of over or thedad or whatever, the caregiver
who's overly always overridingwhat that child authentically
wants or desires or thinks thatthey need.
They'll be like, oh, you don'treally need that, you need this.
And so there's the concept oftheir own authentic needs and
(31:50):
desires gets overridden quite alot.
Leah (31:53):
Yeah, there's also a way with which, how they deal with
problems is they just hunkerdown.
And, it's like, enduring is sucha great title for this
particular strategy, becausethey endure.
They're good at letting thingsroll off their back.
Going with the flow.
They're probably the mostaccommodating out of all of the
(32:17):
strategies in my opinion.
They're also really grounded.
Naturally.
It's one of their gifts thatthey're the be the person that
you kind of naturally feel safeto, everyone wants to sit next
to an endure on the bus.
So it's like a lot of teachershave this strategy type because
they're pretty, they don't getupset very easily.
(32:38):
They're not, ugh.
Dr. (32:41):
Dr. Willow
Leah (32:43):
non reactive generally is a, one thing that's A great gift
of theirs.
Here's where they can get introuble is they let things roll
off their shoulders.
They let things roll off theirshoulders.
They let things roll off theirshoulders over and over and over
and over and over until suddenlythey're backed into a corner and
(33:04):
there's nowhere else to go.
They are in a corner and theironly option left is to push out.
And so there's something,there's an enduring anger.
That is a suppressed part oftheir emotional system.
And so then they push back.
And when they push back, they'reoften turn around and never look
(33:27):
back.
And so if you've ever had arelationship or friendship or
somebody in your life who you'relike, well, gosh, they sure
overreacted.
And then they just disappeared.
What the hell?
It's you press the last buttonof an endure.
Dr. Willow (33:41):
Dr. Willow
Leah (33:42):
Leah
And so that's one of the thingsyou'll see in an enduro.
Also, enduros tend to have apropensity towards depression.
and how I would describe theirdepression would be to be
pressed down.
To be sort of that, thatrepressed part of them that when
they comes to a problem, theyhave to sort of brood like
(34:05):
Willow said.
And if you're in a relationshipwith an endurer, you got to give
them space..
Their processing system is alittle bit longer.
And they need the time in theright to have boundaries.
Because a lot of times theybecame an endurer because what
was around them, people were inchaos and they had to sit still
(34:28):
and endure the storm, weatherthe storm.
And so they've learned how tosit still, sit quiet, and, be
left alone.
Dr. Willow (34:37):
Dr. Willow
Yeah, I think.
And on that note, they do havea, an incredible ability and
talent for, you know, meditationcomes a little bit more
naturally, a little bit moreeasily to them because they can
just be in that stillness andthat quiet space.
It's comfortable for them.
I would say probably a lot ofindoors also can be very
introverted.
But when they do, when theycan't take it anymore, you don't
(35:00):
want to be in their way.
It's like, you know, you finallyget that bull going with the
plow.
And when, once it gets going,look out because the energy and
the force behind it is reallystrong.
So they have an incredible, downand in energy system.
And so they, they are able toground so easily.
They're so, you know, when
Leah (35:21):
Leah
Dr. Willow (35:22):
So embodied when you see people who are like, they're
so grounded, you know, it'spotentially they run this as a
strategy.
I definitely run it as asecondary
Leah (35:32):
Yeah, both Willow and I, these are our secondary
strategies.
How would you say the endure, issexually?
What's their jam?
Dr. Willow (35:42):
Oh God they're fun sexually because they're so in
their bodies, right?
They're for they have I feellike they have a lot of access
to their first and secondchakra.
And then if they're confident inthat I mean fuck it's game on.
Leah (35:54):
Yeah, I think also they're good at holding space.
They're good at being present.
So, so one of the things theyreally bring to the table in
intimacy and in sexuality is afeeling of safety and feeling of
like, this is natural.
And so you tend to find yourcomfort zone really quickly,
like intimacy tends to be prettyquick with an indoor because
(36:15):
they already feel good in theirskin.
Dr. Willow (36:18):
Yeah, they're good in their
Leah (36:19):
Leah
They're not tripping on it.
Yeah.
Dr. Wil (36:22):
Dr. Willow
Leah (36:23):
And their body types are very strong.
They tend to be more, bottomheavy.
And so you can kind of feel likewhen they're walking in their
body, they're really walking intheir body.
Dr. Willow (36:34):
they've got, like,
Le (36:35):
Leah
a lovely prance.
Dr. W (36:39):
Dr. Willow
Very light on their
Leah (36:42):
Uh, Where, where a merger kind of swings their
D (36:45):
Dr. Willow
time,
Leah (36:47):
And so, you know, Willow mentioned that with leavers, the
energy goes up with endures theenergy goes down and with
mergers, the energy goes to theheart.
Dr. Willow (36:58):
Dr. Willow
That makes sense.
Okay, so, beyond the enduring,we go next to the rigid pattern.
Which is, you know, maybe, thisis around the developmental age
of like, Okay I'm five, I'm six,I'm a person.
you've got more of a personacoming online, more ego coming
(37:20):
online, yeah, exactly.
And so,
L (37:23):
Leah
You know, like, you start tolearn how to pick out your
clothes and you know, you mightstart having homework and those
things like that.
You got a little teeny bit moreresponsibility.
Dr. (37:35):
Dr. Willow
feel safe, their strategy to getthemselves back to safety is to
hyper organize.
It's the rigid pattern.
So think about like type A kindof people, you know.
They're like, don't put thatthere, put it right here, two
inches away from where I justhad it.
You know, it's like, they can bethey can be very critical of
(37:59):
themselves and others.
That's that's
Leah (38:02):
Leah
D (38:03):
Dr. Willow
You know, it's really notcomfortable.
They don't want to be stuck inthat judgment place.
But it's just, it's how they arekeeping themselves from getting
hurt.
So,
Leah (38:14):
Yeah, Yeah, well, I would say that, like, oftentimes this
gets put into place because ofparents expectations and then
what they don't give.
So for a lot of rigid patternstrategy types, the parent is,
You have to be perfect.
(38:34):
You have to do well.
Our expectation for you is youhave to hit this benchmark, and
if you don't...
So, what they learn is that whenthey're perfect, they get love.
And so they become very,oriented to play by the rules.
If you play by the rules, you'llbe a success.
So they become very good atstructure and putting things in
(38:56):
order and towing the line.
So they're also going to be, youknow, the kids and the adults
that are upholders of rules.
Rules mean safety.
And because approval was oftenstingy in their childhood that
is what has caused themoftentimes to have this
(39:16):
propensity to judge.
And one thing you have to knowis that if you have someone in
your life who does the rigidstrategy and you often feel
judged by them, a place thatwill lead you to more compassion
is that whatever they're judgingyou for, they're turning that
around on themselves and they'rejudging themselves three times
worse.
(39:37):
It's that inner dialogue thatthey have in the private moments
of their psyche where they'rereally hard on themselves as if
that's the motivation that theyneed to be perfect.
And one of their core wounds isnot being connected to their
emotional body.
So it's like their core isthere, but if you think of like
(39:58):
bamboo, it's a strong core, butit's hollow on the inside.
when they're in a pattern andthey're triggered, it's more
difficult to connect to whatthey're feeling.
And if they can start to learnthat, that's helpful, you know,
then they want to use thestrategy differently.
Dr. (40:17):
Dr. Willow
pattern, it's one of the morechallenging ones for me to coach
because of that disconnectionfrom emotions and from feeling.
Because I am always doing someout of emotional release with
people.
So I'm like, where do you feelit in your body?
What's
Leah (40:35):
Leah
Dr. Willow (40:36):
And they're like, I don't know.
Like they
Leah (40:38):
Leah
Dr (40:39):
Dr. Willow
So I've had to, you know, kindof do some workarounds with that
pattern style.
It's
Lea (40:46):
Leah
Dr. Willow (40:47):
very, very in their heads.
Leah (40:49):
Leah
by emotional people real easily.
Dr. Willow (40:55):
Dr. Willow
I would say sexually too.
There's sort this kind of like,
Leah (41:00):
They can be a little rule bound.
Dr. Willow (41:01):
Yeah, a little rule bound, like, it's gotta go in
this direction, this timing, andthis, you know, this needs to be
there and that needs to be inplace, so there can be a bit of
a but that can also be reallyfun, right?
Le (41:14):
Leah
discipline.
So there
Dr. Willow (41:18):
like they make great dominatrixes.
Leah (41:21):
there's definitely a place where if you, can eroticize the
power of discipline, that's aplace where one can really,
really powerfully expand withthis pattern type.
Not to say that you have to golooking for BDSM or that's going
to be a thing for you, but whereyou can use discipline in your
life, both in your intimatelife, like getting healthy and
(41:41):
eating good.
There's no better accountabilitybuddy than a rigid.
If you're looking to improve asector of your life that
requires discipline, they aresuch good role models in that.
Dr. Willow (41:55):
Dr. Willow
Leah (41:55):
Um, and they thrive on, I mean, I was just hanging out
with two rigids the other dayand they do the light side of
rigid so beautiful.
And I was like, I want to likediscipline.
You make it look so good.
It just doesn't, that doesn'tsound pleasurable to me.
Like, What I'm whining like aclassic merger and and they're
(42:17):
like, well, no, the reward comesafter, they love the reward that
comes the high that comes fromdoing something really hard.
And some people think, Oh rigid,because they have a way to
organize things, that meansthey're a clean freak.
And only some
Dr. Willow (42:34):
Dr. Willow
Leah (42:35):
You know, they'll be, but there'll be areas in their life
that they're super methodicalabout.
They make incredible managersand leadership roles and that
kind of thing.
Great at delegating.
Dr. Willow (42:46):
They really have an ability
Leah (42:48):
Leah
Dr. Willow (42:49):
Yeah, to take like a messy situation and just put it
into an organized, likecohesive, understandable
structure.
Structure feels safe to them.
Like they really feel like theycan, be in their true essence
and in their true glory whenthere's a good structure in
place.
(43:10):
So.
After the rigid, we go into, theage range of more like, okay,
now I'm, now I'm a, like alittle person, like 7, 8, 9, I'm
getting closer to like thetransformation of teens, yeah.
so this will be the, what wecall the aggressive pattern.
(43:30):
And this style is, they reallyorient to the truth.
So what are the facts?
This is really important forthem because usually this age
range they were parentified insome way where their caregiver,
their parents, didn't have theknack for parenting, or they
(43:52):
couldn't hold the container,whatever.
Like, maybe they werealcoholics, or maybe they were
workaholics, or maybe they justweren't there at all.
And so the kid had to step upand be like, okay, I'll take
care of it.
You know, this is the kid whotook care of all their younger
siblings, because the parentsweren't available.
My grandparents had 15 children.
(44:13):
So there's a lot of
Le (44:15):
Leah
Dr. Willow (44:16):
yeah, there's a lot of aggressive pattern style in
my, in that great big familystructure because they were all
taking care of the younger kids.
You know, they all gotparentified young, the young
age, not all, but many.
And so it's very interesting towatch this pattern style.
This is also a challenging onefor me, and I tended, in the
past, to attract them inintimacy, in intimate
(44:40):
relationships.
And so, of course, whenever theywould get into their strategy of
keeping themselves safe andprotecting themselves, their
energy goes out, kind of like,out directly at you.
So it can feel reallyoverwhelming for someone with
the leaving pattern, such asmyself.
Leah (44:59):
Leah
And also big, when they'reupset, boy.
Dr. Wil (45:04):
Dr. Willow
When you walk into the room, ifyou're in their glory, if you're
in their limelight, like you aregoing to feel like the star of
the show.
Like they shine a really biglight.
Leah (45:16):
Leah
Dr. Will (45:16):
Dr. Willow
Leah (45:18):
Leah
That's why they're soattractive.
It's like when they're presentwith you, it's like they're
shining the sun on you.
And when it's nighttime they'reshining the moon on you.
They are so delicious becausethey're powerful and they're
competent and they had to be.
They had to be, they had tolearn super fast.
(45:40):
So they got good at a lot ofthings because their survival
depended on it.
And their core wound is, I don'ttrust anybody.
Because they couldn't trusttheir caregivers to really keep
them safe.
And so they had to grow up fastthey got incredible street
smarts and they are able to knowwhere danger is and they're kind
(46:01):
of, they have great, they're thetype of people who jump out of
airplanes, you know, they mightjoin the military and be super
successful in it.
They have this adrenalineconnection.
They can do super scary thingsand make it seem so easy.
And they have a struggle withasking for help.
(46:21):
Asking for help is like meaningdeath, you know.
It means weakness.
Dr. Willow (46:26):
Dr. Willow
It's hard for them to trust thatanyone can do it as good as they
can, because they learned earlyon, nobody can do it as good as
I can.
I have to do it myself.
Lea (46:36):
Leah
have a knee jerk reaction tofight.
You know, it's that we don't, wedo not flee, we do not freeze,
we fight.
And so they often have had partsof their childhood where there's
been considerable violence.
And as someone who's oftentimesin relationship with an
(47:01):
aggressive pattern type, they'regreat protectors.
They watch out for everybody andthey watch out for the little
guy.
They really can be the hero, butsometimes they can have hero
complexes and you know, theywant to always rescue the damsel
in distress or they want to bethe knight in shining armor.
(47:22):
And because of this not being toask for help, oftentimes their
adrenals burn out.
They go, go, go, go, go.
And then they flatline orthey'll get in an accident that
forces them to ask for help, youknow, like the hospital and
where, where the choice to askfor help is taken away from them
(47:43):
because they refuse to payattention to the signs.
So then it's forced on them.
And that's a health crisis rightthere.
Don't let that happen.
Dr. (47:53):
Dr. Willow
Leah (47:54):
Yeah, get comfortable with vulnerability.
Dr. Willow (47:56):
That's the beauty of like understanding and knowing
these styles and thesestrategies of keeping yourself
safe and then really understandespecially if you're getting
into a new relationship youstart dating someone new and you
understand what their strategiesare then you can you all of a
sudden you have a lot moreLeeway with them.
You're like, okay, that's justthe way they are gonna keep
(48:17):
themselves safe and protectthemselves from getting their
heart hurt and that's cool.
Okay, then they run the enduringpattern.
Great.
Well, let me give them plenty oftime and space to come to their
own truth and their ownconclusion.
Or, oh, look they run theaggressive pattern.
That means I can really givethem the facts, give them the
truth straight up as I see it.
(48:39):
The truth about the truth isthat there's as many truths on
this planet as there are people.
It's perspective, right?
But, facts.
Like, they want to know.
So, my ex runs this aggressivestyle.
And you know, it's always about,well, this is what you said.
Leah (48:57):
Leah
D (48:58):
Dr. Willow
You know, and it's like, okay.
Yeah, okay, maybe I did.
I don't remember I said.
Leah (49:04):
My ex too was always like, always remembered word for word
the conversation and I'm like, Iwas emotional.
Give me break
Dr. Wil (49:13):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:13):
to just be with what was true then.
You know?
Dr. Willow (49:16):
Yeah, it's different now and in
Leah (49:18):
What I feel matters, man.
That interpretation of what Ifeel really matters.
I mean, that happened.
That's a fact.
Dr. (49:25):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:27):
Leah
That actually was not factual.
Dr (49:31):
Dr. Willow
Leah (49:34):
Leah
Dr. W (49:35):
Dr. Willow
is the info, this is whathappened, these are the facts,
or these are the stats, theseare the, you know, they'll look
up you know, my ex was alwayslooking up, like, stats and
info.
Like actual facts around it,scientific evidence, you know,
that was how he understood thetruth.
(49:57):
And so, you know, So, you know,it's really, it's a powerful,
powerful pattern, actually.
I really love that pattern, andit's taken me a while to love
them.
But
Leah (50:05):
Well, I think it's easy to love them.
It's when they're triggered.
D (50:10):
Dr. Willow
For me, especially as a leaver
Lea (50:13):
Leah
when they are both triggered,the aggressive can be so
overwhelming that it's reallyhard for a Leaver to stay in
their body and hold it becauseit just pushes them right out.
Dr. Willow (50:28):
Dr. Willow
Leah (50:29):
So part of the mastery is for the aggressive to have
enough self awareness so that,and this is true for all the
patterns, then you start tolearn the skill of what I like
to refer to as energeticresponsibility.
Because what these triggers feellike is the impact of energy.
It's, I am in overwhelm rightnow.
(50:49):
And now my energy is notcontained.
It's not centered.
I'm not connected to my core.
I'm now in a state.
My heart rate is going up, whichmakes it harder to really hear
and listen and to gainperspective from somebody else.
And so we have a way with whichour direction scatters.
And when we can start to learnhow to contain our energy and
(51:12):
take really exquisite good careof ourselves when we find
ourselves in a triggered statewhere our pattern wants to take
over, if we can start to learnabout those sensations, those
feelings and what those signsare.
It doesn't mean you stop goinginto pattern, but what it means
is you start having things inplace, tools that will help you
(51:35):
come back from that patternedstate, so that you're less
triggered, and the more practiceyou have with that, suddenly you
can go, wow, I'm not going intopattern, even though I'm
triggered.
I now have a different strategyfor helping me stay present, for
helping me stay connected to mybody, for checking out what's
(51:57):
going on, and for my ability tobe in compassionate partnership
to resolving conflict with thepeople that I'm in conflict
with.
And when you have this, thesetools, then you're also able to
see the people that you love inpattern and you're able to
facilitate the right kind ofcommunication and language and
(52:19):
create an energetic field.
I know not everyone knows whatthat means, but be able to
energetically hold you and attimes hold them in a particular
way that assists them in comingout of pattern or no longer
needing their strategy to be inharmony with their environment.
Dr. Willow (52:38):
Dr. Willow
Leah (52:39):
Leah
D (52:40):
Dr. Willow
Instead of being in a triggerfest with your partner, like
ping ponging back and forth, mytrigger, your trigger, I'm in
pattern, you're in pattern, I'mkeeping myself safe.
Leah (52:50):
Leah
Dr. (52:51):
Dr. Willow
Leah (52:53):
Leah
Dr. (52:54):
Dr. Willow
You take responsibility for yourown energy system, and you find
your way to presence.
Really?
I do like to say like you're inpattern or you're in presence.
And you can be present to thefact that you're in pattern,
sure, but you're still not inpresence because when you're
(53:16):
truly, truly in presence thatthere's, there, there is no
space for pattern.
Like it's not, you're in a nondualistic place, so there's not
an I'm a this or an I'm a that.
L (53:26):
Leah
one of the first things that canhelp you connect to presence is
tracking sensations in your
D (53:35):
Dr. Willow
Le (53:37):
Leah
You know, noticing where youfeel tight and contracted.
Dr. Willow (53:42):
You're noticing that heat rising up from your belly.
You're noticing, like, and ifyou're looking at your partner,
you're noticing their pupilsdilate.
You're noticing, like, theircapacity to be present with you
is limited.
So, their amygdala is...
On fuego, and you want to beable to read, you know, your own
(54:02):
system, get yourself into astate of presence.
And then you can be with yourpartner who's clearly in a state
of trigger and pattern as well.
What our teachers often willsay, like, you know, 90% of
people are in pattern 95% of thetime.
So our goal is not to ever,like, completely eradicate these
patterns, but rather to learnhow to live with them and maybe
(54:25):
to live outside of them, like
Leah (54:28):
Leah
Dr (54:29):
Dr. Willow
Leah (54:32):
Because the light side of the strategies are so
spectacular.
And if anything, the goal wouldbe, how can I adopt the light
side of all the patterns?
How can I be more skillful atadopting the genius zone of
these various pattern typesbecause they're all skills that
(54:52):
we can learn and the more thatwe understand the patterns, the
more compassion, the more love,and the more skill we have in
our partnerships with everyone.
Because everyone is going tohave these childhood strategies
that take them out of presenceand that take them out of their
heart and out of their abilityto be grounded and to stay in
the loving.
(55:13):
So, this is just fascinating,ways of understanding ourselves.
And I find it so interesting howthe bodies end up developing,
like, with the aggressivepattern type, they tend to have
really muscular strength.
They have strong cores,musculature, very athletic,
(55:33):
comes super natural.
It's a skill that they have.
That's kind of a talent.
And so let's run through themand we'll just kind of give you
the names again and just giveyou just a couple words to
highlight what they do whenthey're in patterns.
So the first one is the leavingpattern, which is an easy one to
remember because they...
they leave.
Dr. Will (55:54):
Dr. Willow
Leah (55:55):
And the second pattern is the merger and what do they do?
They puddle.
They fall apart when they gointo pattern.
Then we have the Endurer andthey go down.
And they buckle in.
I'll give you just anothermetaphor for the Endurer.
It's almost like when they gettriggered, they've got tent
(56:18):
stakes, right?
And they drive those tent stakesdeep into the ground and they
are not gonna budge.
They're just gonna, they'regonna sit and they're gonna
endure it.
Now we have the rigid.
Dr. Willow (56:30):
Dr. Willow
Leah (56:32):
And they go when they get triggered, they're gonna go to
their head and they're gonna gosuper analytical and they're
devoid of their emotionalconnection.
Aggressive is going to see it asa competition and it's going to
be something they must win.
So they're going to goforcefully into the conflict and
(56:54):
they are, they're going to getbigger than you.
You know, they're going to getso big that no one else can
fight back.
So even in the smallest ofbodies people tend to go, forget
it.
Winning isn't, this is useless.
I can never win with you.
Dr. Willow (57:10):
Dr. Willow
Leah (57:10):
Leah
Dr. Willow (57:12):
Yeah, so the value of, this is an absolute game
changer for intimaterelationships, for all of your
intimate relationships.
That includes your relationshipswith your parents, with your
children, with your dearest offriends, with yourself, yes,
with your partner.
And and people that you're closeto at work.
It is absolutely going to turnyour perspective on its head in
(57:38):
a good way so that you canactually move your relationships
forward in a way that feelshealthy, in a way that It feels
nourishing to both sides andreally brings forth more love in
between you.
More connection.
More understanding.
It's about understanding.
(57:59):
It's like, let me understand howyou keep yourself safe so that I
can understand you and I canbring you to
Leah (58:05):
Leah
Dr. (58:06):
Dr. Willow
Leah (58:08):
There is it's a beautiful system if you're a facilitator,
if you're a teacher, if you rungroups, if you are in a manager
or leadership position, if youare an entrepreneur and you've
got staff, it's one of thosethings from where you can really
hold the group.
(58:29):
and get underneath the entiregroup where you are modeling how
to be there for people when theyfind themselves stuck.
And if you're doing that from agroup standpoint, how you model
that ends up being a model forother people so that the culture
within your working becomes moreharmonious, more useful, more
(58:51):
collaborative.
So with that we'll have a fewmore episodes, you know, going
deeper into this whole process.
and we're gonna take it to thenext level Yeah.
Love, love, love.
SxR Announcer (59:04):
Thanks for tuning in.
Leah Piper is a tantric sexmaster coach and a positive
psychology facilitator.
Dr.
Willow Brown is both a Chineseand functional medicine doctor
and a Taoist sexology teacher.
Don't forget, your comments,likes, subscribes, and
suggestions matter.
Let's realize this new worldtogether.
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