May 12, 2025 • 35 mins
#128. Did you know you can build mental muscles, as well as physical ones? And that you can start that any time - no matter how weak you might feel?
Welcome to another My Why from Claire Sandys (co-host of The Silent Why podcast). My Why episodes are audio versions of my latest blog post.
If you'd prefer to read it, you can find it here: https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/how-to-build-mental-muscles-when-you-re-feeling-weak
Flexing your mental muscles is like training your body - it takes time and consistency. But once you start, they grow stronger and more reliable. In this episode, I’m sharing the tips and tools that helped me through tough times, including practical ways to stay grounded and protect your sanity and your relationships.
Think of this as a mental workout: exercises to support you when your mind feels hormonal/confused/frustrated/depressed/griefy [you fill in the gap].
If you’re aware that you’re not always your best self - snapping at loved ones, stuck in negative thought spirals, or simply struggling to cope with your own mind - this episode is for you.
(And if you’re supporting someone who’s feeling that way, it might help you too.)
For more on the Amiko Cards I mention: https://www.littlechallenges.com/store
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello, I'm Claire and welcome to the Silent why
podcast and another audioversion of the blogs I write
around grief, loss and hope howto build mental muscles when
you're feeling weak.
It's been way too long since Iwrote a blog for the podcast and
the website and I'm super happyto be putting this one out
(00:24):
today.
There's been a whole load ofreasons why I haven't done one
of these for a while, but it'snot because I don't love doing
them, it's just that my healthand not having the here comes
the new word that annoys myhusband bandwidth to do them has
prevented me from the clearbrain that I need to write new
things.
I heard someone use the wordbandwidth a little while back.
I have no idea who it was, butI instantly connected with it.
(00:45):
I really don't like saying Ican't do things or giving
excuses or trying to explain whythat's going to be hard for me,
but saying I don't have thebandwidth just sums it up really
well.
I didn't even know that thedefinition for it is the energy
or mental capacity to deal withsomething.
I thought it was just a Wi-Fithing, but it makes a lot of
sense because some days I'm likean old dial-up internet
connection.
(01:05):
It takes me a while to connect,I make a lot of strange noises
in the process, and once I'mconnected I can only do one
thing at a time or else I crashthe system.
Other days I'm like a fibreoptic connection and I can do
multiple things super fast,while planning ahead, taking
everything in my stride andgenerally feeling like I'm
winning at life.
They're a little bit rare atthe moment, so that's my new
(01:25):
word for assessing what I cantake on whether I have the
bandwidth that day.
As we all know, the internetcan be unreliable, so you never
really know from one day to thenext what the situation's going
to be.
Anyway, I thought I'd write ablog to share a few of the tips
and tricks that I've learnt overthe last few years about how to
build mental muscles,especially at a time when you're
(01:46):
feeling particularly weak inthat area.
Now, I'm not saying these arethings that will work for
everybody.
Everyone's mental health isdictated by different
circumstances.
But I am saying that I've beento some very dark, horrible,
heart-shattering places with mymental health and these are the
things that have helped mesurvive.
I think they'll be helpful forany women struggling with
hormones or mood changes, but Ialso think they're great tips
(02:07):
for those struggling with mentalhealth in other ways too.
They're just good all-roundertips for all of us.
But flexing mental muscles islike flexing physical ones it's
a workout.
It takes time to build thesemuscles, but once you start
using them and they strengthen,they'll be there when you need
them and then you'll be waystronger than you were at the
start.
So see this as a mental workoutof exercises to help you when
(02:28):
your brain is hormonal, confused, frustrated, depressed, griefy.
You fill in the gap and, as weall know, no exercise is really
that fun or easy at the start.
It takes the desire to reachthe end goal to keep you going.
It's hard work.
It's not ever everyone's firstchoice of activity, but it is
totally worth it and, as withany new exercise, don't expect
(02:48):
to be great at it from thebeginning.
The last podcast interview weput out on our mission to find
101 different types of loss wasloss 62, loss of menopause, and
the next loss episode is aboutthe losses involved with having
a chronic illness.
So I thought I'd put out a blogto sort of tie these together
and share some of the thingsI've learned and self-cultivated
over the years about how tokeep and retain your sanity and
(03:11):
relationships with those aroundyou when your mental health is
taking a hit.
A lot of this started for me in2016 when I started to feel off
Not really myself Tired, angry,very easily frustrated,
overwhelmed and anxious.
These weren't really feelingsI'd struggled with before.
Nearly ten years later, Isuspect that what started it
(03:31):
then and took years to diagnosewas a combination of
endometriosis, pmdd and extremesensitivity to hormone
fluctuations, ibs and low B12,and possibly perimenopause,
kicking it all off in my early30s.
But I'm never going to fullyknow.
What I do know is that manyyears later, after a
hysterectomy in my late 30s tocontrol the PMDD, I am left with
(03:52):
still trying to balancehormones and a whole lot of
experience that I did not wantin having to manage a brain that
doesn't work the way I want itto all the time and, like a lot
of things that affect mentalhealth, most of what I've been
through is a hidden kind of pain, grief and illness.
You can't see physically whatI'm coping with.
The only physical proof wouldbe the tiny scars on my stomach
(04:12):
from surgery and from where theycurrently insert oestrogen
implants every few months.
What started for me in 2016, andonly got worse, was a journey
through mental healthfluctuations that hit me very
hard.
This was very unexpected,confusing, and not something I
even recognised or admitted tofor many years, even now still
in it at times, but largely onthe other side of the worst of
(04:33):
it.
It's not easy for me to saythat that's what I struggle with
.
I have always been a strong,super organised, capable person,
so facing this has probablybeen the biggest challenge I've
ever had to face, for mepersonally and in our marriage.
It's easy to ignore, scoff oreven have sympathy with mental
illness in others, but when ithits you, that's when you really
find out what you think aboutit.
(04:54):
For a long time, I was unable tocontrol my mind and my moods as
I wanted to, but I always feltdetermined to find a way to
control it.
I just couldn't understand whymy own moods and brain function
was suddenly outside of mycontrol.
Then, the constant battle tofix it and failing only made it
worse.
I don't know if, at the time, Ibelieved your own mind and
(05:15):
thoughts could be outside ofyour own control, so therefore I
must be able to do something tosort it.
This just made me bitter,embarrassed, ashamed,
second-guessing life andgenerally frustrated with
everyone and everything,including me.
So I had to learn a lot ofcoping strategies over the years
, and I feel now is a good timeto share them with those of you
that might also be struggling ormight be helping others that
(05:36):
are struggling, or for you toknow about, in case you ever
reach this point yourself.
In JK Rowling's Harry Potter andthe Deathly Hallows, harry says
to Dumbledore is this all realor is it just happening inside
my head?
And Dumbledore replies ofcourse it's happening inside
your head, harry.
Why should that mean it's notreal?
These are real issues.
(05:57):
Even if it's just your headmaking more of something than it
should.
That is a very real thing tothe person going through it and
we need to find ways to help usdeal with this.
Now, of course, there are timeswhen you'll feel beyond doing
anything at all, but I've foundthat if you build these muscles
up, then over time, even inthose times, the muscles you've
worked will be strong enough tohelp you in some small way, even
(06:20):
when things are feeling verybleak.
This is not a fix-it for mentalhealth issues.
They're just things that havehelped me when I'm struggling
and I know could help a lot ofother people too, and I'm going
to be tailoring these to myexperience, which is how I
managed on my own or with myhusband.
So if you're not married or youhave children or you're in a
different situation, then justsubstitute what I refer to with
(06:41):
him to anyone that might bearound you and that could be
friends, colleagues or family.
So here are my five top tipsfor coping in mental slumps,
each with a practical tip tohelp you execute them and a
physical exercise for you.
To liken it to Tip one stop thespiral.
When your mind becomes dark,foggy and even a bit evil.
(07:04):
Yes, you know you've wanted tostab your husband or colleague
for chewing the wrong way.
There is the strong temptationto allow it to spiral.
It's like going on YouTube andfalling down the rabbit hole.
You went on there to find outhow to fix your fence and now
you're watching a video of a manwho's befriended a cabbage.
The same thing happens withyour mind.
You have the thought thatyou're not good enough and
(07:24):
before you know it, you'veconvinced yourself your husband
is having an affair or yourmother never wanted you from
birth.
This is never a healthy use ofyour time or energy.
And if you're honest, you knowwhen you're doing it, because
you're probably weighed down byanger, depression, melancholy or
sadness at the same time.
Tony Robbins said your mind is atool you must use.
If you don't take control ofyour mind, it will control you.
(07:47):
Your thoughts can either buildyou up or break you down.
This exercise is going to be akind of bat it out of the park
type thing I think that's asporty phrase for a sport.
Somewhere you need to grab yourbig old metaphorical bat.
That's very important, becauseholding a real bat at a time
like this is a very bad idea andyou need to whack those
(08:07):
thoughts to where the sun sets.
And this is not an easy or arelaxing task.
In fact it's exhausting.
I know it's easier said thandone.
I've been there and some daysthis feels almost impossible to
do because they're coming at meso fast.
But don't give up, because thestronger those muscles get, the
more you'll find you can controlit or ignore it more than you
(08:27):
think.
For example, if my brain istelling me I'm a waste of oxygen
, I don't have anything to showfor my life, all my dreams have
been crushed and no one loves meor sees me for who I really am.
No one's listening to mypodcast.
They're all laughing at me.
I'll never amount to anything.
It's too late for me to doanything useful in this world
and I'm probably fat.
Now I have a couple of choices.
Option A listen to the voice,start to believe it, which will
(08:48):
inevitably turn outwards onthose around me eventually.
Look at my husband.
He doesn't have to deal withall this crap.
He never helps me.
He doesn't understand what I'mgoing through.
He hasn't even noticed I'vebeen crying.
I bet he doesn't fancy meanymore.
Listen to this voice and whensaid husband appears, probably
in an annoying way, doingsomething wrong and making
noises that nobody wants to hear, then I'll give him what for
why shouldn't I tell him howhorrible he is, how I regret
(09:10):
marrying him, how he doesn'tlove me, how he doesn't
understand, in this instance,what might be?
A seemingly unaware husband hasjust walked into an unprovoked
attack.
How would we like that if hedid that to us without warning,
calling into question our veryrelationship?
It's hurtful and you'll eitherget hate spewed back at you or
you'll have hurt the person youlove the most.
Either way, no happy ending iscoming here.
(09:34):
Shannon L Alder said Feelingsare something you have, not
something you are.
Don't let yourself become yourdark feelings.
They're not always right andthey can really lead you astray.
You can have control over themor there's option B Listen to
the voice, because there's noeasy way to ignore it,
especially early on, but refutethe thoughts with things that
you know but might not feel.
(09:55):
Get your bat.
Every time you whack a nastythought away from you, shout
something you know to be true.
These are your wacky truths.
For example thought You're notworthy of a place on this earth.
Look at you.
What a failure.
Wacky truth I am worthy,everyone is and I'm not failing.
I'm surviving Like a badassmenopausal woman who's losing
(10:16):
her hair a bit.
Thought your husband is goingto find someone far more
interesting and attractive thanyou.
Wacky truth my husband loves meand we are going to get through
this.
More interesting and attractivethan you.
Wacky truth my husband loves meand we are going to get through
this together.
Thought You'll never be likeall those people you see on
social media.
They're winning at life.
Wacky truth Winning is notdefined by what your social
(10:36):
media looks like.
I'm winning just whacking thisthought away.
Thought You're the fattestyou've ever been.
Wacky truth I'm a normal weightfor a menopausal woman who's
struggling with her mentalhealth and I ate some fruit
yesterday instead of chocolate.
Tell your brain the truth of thesituation.
If you know deep down that thisisn't the real you they're not
(10:57):
thoughts you usually have thentell yourself that Maybe the
whole world feels dark and scary, but don't let yourself believe
it.
The world is full of hope andgood things, even if you can't
see or feel any of them rightnow.
Practical tip it's very likelyyou will have reoccurring themes
and thoughts in dark times andthey'll be different for all of
(11:19):
us.
So when you have a better day,find the anecdotes to those and
write them down.
Then, when you're strugglingwith these thoughts, read the
truth out and even if you don'tbelieve it right then, stop
those thoughts from spirallingany further.
If you struggle with assumingyou're unloved but people are
telling you they love you, writethat down I am loved by.
(11:43):
If you feel that your life hasbeen a failure and you're not
worthy of being here, write downthe truth, which could be a few
things.
Maybe it's.
I am going through a hard timeright now, but things aren't as
bad as I feel they are, or maybeit's.
I am just as worthy as anyoneelse feel they are, or maybe
it's.
I am just as worthy as anyoneelse of being here or life is
important.
I will fight for it.
(12:04):
I suffered with a particularfear during these times, and for
me because I'm a Christian.
I used the words from the Biblein 2 Timothy, where it says God
has not given us a spirit offear, but of power, love and a
sound mind.
I didn't feel sound, but ithelped me wrestle with the fear.
Learn your truths andeventually you don't need to
read them, you'll just be ableto use them at the right time.
(12:25):
Let these statements and truthsbe your bat.
Again.
This isn't easy.
I know that it's a battle, it'sa wrestle, but it is worth the
fight and once you flex thosemuscles, you'll start to be able
to defend is worth the fight,and once you flex those muscles,
you'll start to be able todefend yourself against the
thoughts, even if you can't makethem stop or beat them in that
moment.
There may be times when you justneed to distract your brain to
(12:47):
get away from them, and that'sokay too.
Put on the TV, read a book,watch a play, do something to
distract your mind, to give yousome respite.
No one else can do this for youand you need to want to do it
or you will naturally spiralwith those thoughts.
Dan Millman said you don't haveto control your thoughts, you
just have to stop letting themcontrol you.
(13:08):
Tip two close your mouth.
Man, this is a hard one and atfirst you might be thinking what
, but I truly believe it hassaved my marriage and prevented
me losing friendships andrelationships along the way, and
it's the first part of two thatgo together.
So bear that in mind.
When your mind is dark, whenyour mood is black, when your
(13:29):
thoughts are so judgmental andcritical that when you say
anything, it proves the tongueis sharper than the sword, you
need to learn two things.
The first one is to close yourmouth.
The second one we'll get tonext.
This took me a while to learn.
It starts with the recognitionthat what is happening in your
mind is not the natural you, notthe truth, but a version that
isn't well For me.
(13:51):
The PMDD made me hypersensitiveto noises, ie my husband doing
something very normal, overlyfrustrated with people doing
normal things that felt so muchbigger, prone to dark moods and
anger.
I would literally wake up lividand a head full of thoughts
that were nasty, self-critical,unfair on others and heavy for
me to carry.
Now, when I'm in my right mind,I would know whether these
(14:15):
things are to be ignored orthings to be mentioned, and I
know how and when is a good timeto do it.
But if I'm not in the rightmind, the chances are I don't
know how to approach thissensitively or kindly, or know
when to let something go.
So, obviously, if I decide tomention every bad thing that
goes through my head, people aregoing to get hurt, probably the
people who deserve it least andthe ones you need the most.
(14:36):
So here's an important thing toknow it's not other people's
jobs to put up with your crap.
There has to be some ownershipand control on your side.
And yes, I know, I know this isso hard.
This is a tricky muscle tobuild.
(14:57):
We're going to liken this oneto a long silent plank.
It's horrible, it'suncomfortable, it's difficult.
It even makes you angrierinside sometimes, but it can
make you super strong.
It took me a while to realisethis one.
I wasn't very pleasant to bearound, even for myself, and I
would end up in disagreementswith my husband about things I
didn't even care about.
But for some reason I wasfighting for it and I always
(15:18):
immediately knew when I'd gonetoo far.
But at the same time it feltlike it was my right to say or
do it anyway, and I did not knowhow to stop.
Eventually, I realised I had tocontrol this better.
Here's the truth of the matter.
Not everything that comes intoyour head has the right to come
out of your mouth, and you arethe gatekeeper.
So on days when my head wasoverrun with thoughts that
(15:40):
weren't helpful or useful toanyone, I learnt to close my
mouth.
Yes, it is extremely tiringbattling thoughts.
You don't say it's really hardwork, but see it as a mental
workout.
This is a plank.
Initially you might have similarfeelings to the ones I had when
I was wrestling with this.
Why should I?
(16:00):
I'm the one that's struggling.
But trust me, when you learn totake control of the thoughts
you have and the words you say,even at a time when it's super
hard, it will definitely improveyour relationships.
I see too many menopausal orhormonal women leaving their
husbands, constantly getting attheir husbands, blaming their
husbands for not being moreaccepting of their bad behaviour
(16:22):
.
The women even admit they'reawful to live with but expect
their husbands to put up with it.
Well, I have one question forthem.
Would you, would you live withsomeone that constantly gets at
you, nitpicks, nags, questionsyour love or relationship, or is
mean when you know it's not thereal them but they allow
themselves to do it anyway?
I wouldn't, and you need to beprepared for some funny
(16:45):
reactions when you're doing yoursilent plank.
Some people won't understand it.
I've been criticised for beingquiet and accused of not caring,
being judgmental or notinterested Because I've been
quiet in groups or familysituations or meetings.
But you have to do what's bestfor you and sometimes not care
about what others are thinking,especially if you know the
alternative would hurt them evenmore.
(17:06):
Francis Bacon said when yourmind is overloaded, sometimes
the most insightful action is toembrace silence.
Practical tip Find other waysto release the feelings you're
having.
Maybe write it down and letyourself be completely honest
about all the bad thoughts andfeelings.
I do recommend maybe destroyingthis afterwards, because these
(17:27):
can be damaging further down theline to others who might find
it, especially as they're notlikely to be feelings that
you're going to be having forlong, or maybe put on a song
that allows you to sing or dancein a way that can get rid of
the sadness, anger orfrustration.
Keep a playlist for differentemotions so you don't need to
think about it much.
Write down words you can reador say to yourself when your
mind is in a bad place and it'sall too overwhelming Truths that
(17:49):
you know will help you.
The more you learn to recognisethese bad days, the more you
will naturally go into thethings you know will help you.
Those muscles get stronger andsuddenly, instead of just
painfully holding your silentplank, you'll find you learn to
relax into it a bit more and letthe world wash on around you
without reacting.
I learnt to recognise days likethis and the moment I did, I
(18:10):
would give myself permission tobe silent, ignore my thoughts
and remind myself it will pass.
This sounds simple, but it'sactually really hard work.
One thing I can tell you, onceyou manage it, is that it will
save you many arguments withothers and, paired with the next
point, I guarantee you it willhelp you through the bad days.
(18:31):
Mark Twain said it is better tokeep your mouth closed and let
people think you are a fool thanto open it and remove all doubt
.
I think we could say it'sbetter to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are afool than to open it and remove
all doubt.
I think we could say it'sbetter to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are afool than to open it and show
them that you're really a veryangry, hormonal woman inside Tip
three open your mouth.
Yes, this does sound like I'vegone mad with a point that
(18:52):
completely contradicts theprevious one, but bear with me.
Edith Edger said Suppressingthe feelings only makes it
harder to let them go.
Expression is the opposite ofdepression.
Now, some people might notstruggle with the close your
mouth tip because you don'tcommunicate with anyone about
anything anyway.
British men, I'm looking at you, in which case this one might
(19:14):
be just as helpful for you too.
Tk Coleman said our feelingsare not there to be cast out or
conquered.
They're there to be engaged andexpressed with imagination and
intelligence.
So once you've identified theawful days and the thoughts that
you're dealing with, there isgreat power, healing and release
in being able to open yourmouth in the right way to say
the right things.
(19:34):
What do I mean?
Well, this is another verytricky thing.
For some, this will even beharder than the previous point,
but it's vital, and it hasprobably been the best thing in
my marriage for getting usthrough this and helping my
husband come on the journey withme and not just get battered in
the process.
I'm going to let you in on asecret.
The other people around youaren't psychic.
(19:56):
Even people who know you reallywell, they don't know what's
going on in your brain.
Heck, you don't even know, sohow can they?
So it's really important tolearn how to communicate it, and
I found that keeping thisreally simple is the key.
There are two ways that openingyour mouth is going to help you.
One, on good days, when you'refeeling in a normal headspace.
(20:19):
For you, having conversationsabout what you're feeling and
going through with those thatyou live or work with is
something that will help pavethe way for the bad days.
Find some quality time withthis person or people with no
time pressures could be a parent, partner, sibling, child,
colleague, friend and tell themthat you want to have a
conversation.
That is hard for you butimportant.
(20:40):
Tell them you want to includethem because you value their
relationship and you need theirsupport.
I know this isn't easy stuff toeven say for some people, but
trust me, most people that loveyou will instantly want to have
this conversation.
Then tell them what it's likein your head, how hard it is to
control, why it's happening andwhat you're doing to try and
help it.
Give them time to process andask questions.
(21:02):
Tell them your fears and howhard this is for you to talk
about.
Use I messages, not you messages.
This is a great tip for anyrelationship, marriage or work
chat.
Say things like I'm finding itreally hard to not you make me.
It's far less confrontationaland easier to hear.
Try to phrase everything you'resaying around how it makes you
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feel, not what's wrong with themor why they should be
understanding.
This is not about causing afight or picking faults or just
listing what they need to do foryou.
It's about helping them tounderstand.
Then tell them that you'regoing to try to communicate how
you feel at times like this, butit's hard for you, so you're
going to use specific words.
We'll cover that next.
Hopefully, if they love you,they will listen and want to
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know how they can help If youhaven't got someone like that.
If there is no one that wouldbe that committed to you, then
try to find someone thatunderstands and can help you
through.
This.
Might be a doctor, a supportgroup or a friend or a neighbour
or a colleague.
Don't make the assumptionothers around you won't care.
There's usually someone outthere that would love to hear
you talk.
Two, the second way to open yourmouth is on bad days.
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I've found that if you canverbalise how you feel, having
already prepped your partner orwhoever it is that you're going
to do this, it can helpmassively.
You'll see how I've done thisin the practical tip I'm going
to share.
But it's another thing thatsounds so simple but is very
hard to do.
But it is also a muscle thatI've found is much stronger now
and comes more easily.
(22:26):
In fact, my husband has evenstarted doing it too, which I
love.
I think I'll see this exerciseas the reverse plank, arguably
even more uncomfortable than thenormal plank, but you only need
to hold it for a very shorttime and it's outward facing,
because this is about looking atothers while you're doing it.
Practical tip.
So here it is.
(22:48):
My lifesaver, or marriage saver,I should say, was uttering four
or five words.
And again, you need to tellyour person in advance that this
is what you're going to besaying, so make it specific to
you two.
Maybe it's a funny sentence,maybe it's got curse words in it
, maybe it's just simple, likemine.
For me, I would tell my husbandI'm so angry right now.
(23:09):
This was often at a time whenhe had done nothing wrong.
There was no reason for me tobe angry.
I just had all that emotion inme and I wanted to say it before
he did something that mightmake me want to lash out,
because we talked about what Icould say in this situation
before he knew what this meantand he'd know I was struggling
and that I might be quieter thatday or need space.
(23:29):
Sometimes I would tell him Ifeel so antsy, which was just
uncomfortable in my skin andunsettled about everything.
But when you say these words,you need to do this with zero
expectations that they will doanything in return, because
there's usually nothing they cando.
But even just voicing it, Ifound halved my emotion
instantly.
They also immediately know thatit's something going on in you
(23:50):
and not something they've caused.
Just being able to say this,which is very hard at the time,
and not carrying it all on myown made it instantly so much
easier.
It didn't take it away by anymeans, but it didn't feel like I
was struggling alone anymore,and saying it out loud made it
real somehow and shared it insome way.
Mark Brackett says my messagefor everyone is the same that if
(24:13):
we can learn to identify,express and harness our feelings
, even the most challenging ones, we can use those emotions to
help us create positive,satisfying lives.
Tip four be kind to yourself.
We've done the hard work andnow we're on the warm down and
just like're on the warm downand just like warm up or warm
down exercises.
There'll be those that relishthese and those that wonder if
(24:34):
there's even any point to thembecause they almost seem too
easy.
But there's a hidden benefit tothese exercises they're
preparing you to start gettingactive or to start to slow down.
In the situation of mentalhealth, I found this most used
when I'm needing to slow my minddown.
I think this is probably likethe basic crocodile pose in yoga
.
Just google it.
The whole point of this pose isto lie down and relax into the
(24:55):
floor, although even with thisone, some people find it harder
than others.
I found it really hard at first.
Being kind to myself in theworst moments meant that I
needed to allow a day or twowhere I just rested and reset.
I found this super hard.
I found I heavily judged myselffor needing to do that.
I was critical about myself.
I felt like a failure because Icouldn't just buck up.
(25:16):
I didn't want to be someonethat accepted my situation and
sat on the sofa all day.
I felt that made me look weakand I feared the moment I
allowed this to become myidentity, because then I'd
become a person I never wantedto be.
I didn't ever want to besomeone that needed to rest
because I was struggling withmental health issues.
(25:37):
Well, here's the thing toremember.
No one does, and I wasterrified.
People would think I was justlazy Because, let's face it, it
can be hard to tell thedifference looking in sometimes.
I've never been someone thatwas going to give in to a
diagnosis and let it define whoI was.
So I don't like using labelsfor why I was feeling under the
weather.
I thought that gave thediagnosis more control than I
wanted it to have.
However, I've learned thatsometimes it's important to
mention to people who areinterested what makes me that
(25:57):
way, to give context to thingsI'm experiencing or writing or
podcasting about.
But I'm still terrified ofbecoming the label of someone
with PMDD or struggling withmental illness.
I think this is something a lotof people find hard when
they're faced with somethingthey always assumed they could
avoid.
There's an arrogance to that,but then we all like to think we
have control of our own headsUntil we don't.
(26:18):
So even now I struggle betweenthe self-care route and the fear
of becoming lazy or giving into something I don't want.
For example, I never use theword phobia.
I have fears, but I don't sayphobia.
For example, I never use theword phobia.
I have fears, but I don't sayphobia.
I once spoke to an NLPneurolinguistics programming
person who helped people getover their fears and phobias.
When we first met, he asked meif mine was a fear or a phobia.
(26:38):
I thought for a moment and thensaid fear.
He told me that helped him tosee where I was with it.
If you see it as a phobia, youoften view it as something that
controls you or that you can'tcontrol.
If you see it as a fear, ittells him that potentially you
see it as something already thatcould be overcome.
Pretty much all phobias areirrational.
We all have natural fears likeheights, dying and things that
(26:59):
can kill you.
That's just survival instinct.
But a lot of the phobias thatpeople have are irrational
things because other people geton fine with them, like buttons
or birds or spiders in a countrywhere they can't kill you, or
sharks in a country where younever see one.
Therefore, that can be changed,because it is possible to
conquer fears, but only if youwant to, of course.
Dale Carnegie said you canconquer almost any fear if you
(27:22):
will only make up your mind todo so.
For, remember, fear doesn'texist anywhere except in the
mind.
So for me, anything I gethanded in life in my eye has to
be conquerable.
I refuse to be someone thatwill be pushed down permanently
by anything, least of all my ownbrain.
So that's why the self-careroute has been hard, because I
have had to give in to it andadmit that I need to do
(27:44):
something that might look lazyor selfish to feel better.
However, I also know that's astupid view, because if we don't
care for ourselves, we can'tcare for others.
Driving yourself into theground really isn't a goal that
anyone's aiming for.
Kristen Neff saidself-compassion is not about
comparing yourself to others.
It's about accepting yourselfas you are and embracing your
(28:04):
journey.
So, all that being said, it'sreally important that on days
when you feel at your absoluteworst, you put things in place
to allow that to happen and giveyourself grace and kindness for
it, just as you would any otherperson, and put aside the
thoughts of what anyone elsemight be thinking.
This all massively depends onyou and who you are, how you are
(28:25):
brought up, your personalitytype, etc.
Some of you will know that ifyou take a sofa day, you need to
be careful it doesn't turn intoseven unneeded sofa days.
Others will take a day and feelthe guilt for the rest of the
week.
So get to know yourself andwhat you really need in those
moments and let yourself have it.
Self-care can be as simple asrecognising your emotions and
then reacting accordingly, as myprevious tips have mentioned.
(28:47):
The quicker you recognise andlabel them accordingly, as my
previous tips have mentioned,the quicker you recognise and
label them, the easier it is totalk about them and find ways to
express and regulate them ifneeded.
Brené Brown says talk toyourself like you would talk to
someone you love Challenging fora lot of us.
For me, at my absolute worst, Ineed to be somewhere comfortable
in something comfortable neverpyjamas, slippery slope during
(29:08):
the day, but comfy jeans andclothes.
On the sofa, with something onTV that distracts my mind, but
also something I know well andfeel safe, with no new
information or scenes to contendwith.
I need to allow myself to sitthis out without the huge guilt
that wants to settle on me fornot doing more.
I also know that a hot bath anda novel is my safe place and
(29:28):
this is something I can takemyself to when I'm really
struggling.
Know what helps you feel happyand safe and go to it when you
need it.
Hot water bottle that's anotherone for me.
That's another reason I createHermann's, because when you
can't have a sofa day and youneed to go to work or to an
event and you're struggling,there's something lovely about
having something or someone withyou that understands and
(29:49):
reminds you to be kind toyourself.
Practical tip Once you findthese things, if you live with
other people, tell them aboutthem.
It's been a huge blessing to mewhen I'm at my worst and Chris
can spot it, or because I'vetold him that he will steer me
to the sofa, make me lie down,put Schitt's Creek on TV, cover
(30:09):
me in a blanket and tell me tostay put.
If you don't have someone thatcan help you in this way, then
write it down and have anotebook or a wall or a
Pinterest board or a folder withthings in it that you can do on
a bad day and read your ownadvice to yourself and then go
do it.
On our podcast episode aboutself-awareness with Katie
Elliott, she told us about theAmico cards.
(30:31):
I'll put a link in the shownotes.
It's a deck of cards withthings on each card that you can
do for self-care Ideas to helpyou feel good in a moment when
you can't work out what you wantto do for yourself.
Things like have a glass ofwater, go for a walk, contact a
friend, have a bath Lots ofideas to see what you might feel
like in that moment.
Jean Shinoda Boland said whenyou recover or discover
(30:51):
something that nourishes yoursoul and brings you joy, care
enough about yourself to makeroom for it in your life.
Tip five don't lose hope.
Hope, he's an elusive littlefellow at times.
There have been moments when Iwas just clinging to hope by my
fingernails, one of the things Iwould tell myself when I didn't
feel it was.
(31:11):
There is hope, and I owe a lotof that not just to my faith but
also to our podcast guests.
I've heard so many people sayafter surviving horrific things
that they knew there was alwayshope, that it was true, even if
they didn't feel it.
A quote I use a lot on thepodcast is Desmond Tutu hope is
being able to see that there islight despite all of the
(31:33):
darkness.
And I would say the same to you.
There will always be days whenhope is the furthest, weakest,
most ineffective thing you couldthink of.
But just plant it deep in yoursoul so you know, even on those
days when you come out of thatfunk, it's still there, because
you will have good and bad days.
The good days might not begreat days or even normal days,
(31:55):
but there will be slithers ofgood that appear and in those
moments remind yourself you arenot alone and there is hope, and
then cling to that, remember it.
It's so easy to lose hope andhard to find it sometimes, but
it's always there.
George Weinberg says hope neverabandons you, you abandon it.
When I think of an exercise forhope, I think of a star jump.
(32:17):
It's a joyful, fun thing to do.
It stretches your limbs,reaches for the sky, leaves the
ground, feels amazing and raisesyou up.
But it also takes energy, ittakes effort, it can't be done
half-heartedly and, once again,that won't feel easy at times.
Hope isn't always easy to find.
It doesn't just come to you.
You have to choose to believein it.
(32:39):
Choose to jump Practical tip.
Find something that speaks toyou in a profound way about hope
, and have it to hand when youneed it.
No, I'm not about to sell youHermann's, but that is one
option.
It might be a song or a quoteon the wall, a poem you read, a
book you love.
Whatever it is, make yourselfsee it, read it or listen to it
when you're in the dark andfeeling desperate.
(33:00):
For me it was a worship songthat spoke deeply into where I
was and the hope that there isstill to come.
It's called Seasons by BenjaminHastings, and the words just
spoke to me about the fact that,yes, I might be in winter right
now.
I might just be a buried seed,the winter might be long, but
there is a promise of the barrenbecoming beautiful, of seeds
(33:21):
growing into sequoias, of hopefor a new season ahead.
Find your thing and makeyourself use it when you can't
see hope for yourself.
Martin Luther King Jr said wemust accept finite
disappointment, but never loseinfinite hope.
So they're my top things thathave helped me and saved me in
dark times.
They're also things I havenoticed that come so much easier
(33:42):
to me now that my muscles aregetting stronger.
Well, the mental ones anyway.
I still need to work on thephysical ones and, like I said,
I've even had Chris come to meand say I feel really angry and
I don't know why, and Iinstantly feel compassion for
him and I give him space or Isteer him to the sofa and cook
dinner for him.
In fact, we've recognizedanother one we can use between
each other, and this one is areal kick in the gut to hear
(34:02):
your partner say but withcontext, we understand it now
and it's I don't really like youright now, but I don't know why
.
Ouch, I told him to feel freeto use it anytime, but every
time I hear it it's like a knifein my heart.
Then I have to remind myselfit's not personal.
I know that feeling well andthat's okay.
Even with that, we've noticedthat just saying it out loud
(34:24):
helps the feeling ease inside.
But don't try that withoutfirst having a conversational
agreement that you can use thatsentence and the other person
knows what you mean.
And that's another final tipI'll give you Don't lose sight
of other people.
It might be hard to engage withlife and other things going on
around you, but don't giveyourself permission to not
bother with other people.
For example, birthdays,anniversaries there are so many
(34:47):
ways now to celebrate otherswith minimal effort.
Set reminders on your phonewhen they ping, send them a
birthday gif on WhatsApp, send acard directly from a website
that does it all for you.
Don't check out of life.
It's too wonderful and it'll betoo hard to rejoin later on if
you do.
Keep your gratitude for life forstill being here another day.
Many people would envy youstill having that, for still
(35:09):
being here another day.
Many people would envy youstill having that.
As Clarence Oddbody said in thefilm, it's a wonderful life.
You see, george, you've reallyhad a wonderful life, don't you
see what a mistake it would beto throw it away?
Don't throw away the life youhave, especially on the days
when you really want to Buildmuscles to carry it a bit easier
(35:30):
, it can be a wonderful life.
I truly believe and am clingingto that, but sometimes it just
takes a bit of fighting for.
Hello, I'm Claire and welcome to the Silent why
podcast and another audioversion of the blogs I write
around grief, loss and hope howto build mental muscles when
you're feeling weak.
It's been way too long since Iwrote a blog for the podcast and
the website and I'm super happyto be putting this one out
(00:24):
today.
There's been a whole load ofreasons why I haven't done one
of these for a while, but it'snot because I don't love doing
them, it's just that my healthand not having the here comes
the new word that annoys myhusband bandwidth to do them has
prevented me from the clearbrain that I need to write new
things.
I heard someone use the wordbandwidth a little while back.
I have no idea who it was, butI instantly connected with it.
(00:45):
I really don't like saying Ican't do things or giving
excuses or trying to explain whythat's going to be hard for me,
but saying I don't have thebandwidth just sums it up really
well.
I didn't even know that thedefinition for it is the energy
or mental capacity to deal withsomething.
I thought it was just a Wi-Fithing, but it makes a lot of
sense because some days I'm likean old dial-up internet
connection.
(01:05):
It takes me a while to connect,I make a lot of strange noises
in the process, and once I'mconnected I can only do one
thing at a time or else I crashthe system.
Other days I'm like a fibreoptic connection and I can do
multiple things super fast,while planning ahead, taking
everything in my stride andgenerally feeling like I'm
winning at life.
They're a little bit rare atthe moment, so that's my new
(01:25):
word for assessing what I cantake on whether I have the
bandwidth that day.
As we all know, the internetcan be unreliable, so you never
really know from one day to thenext what the situation's going
to be.
Anyway, I thought I'd write ablog to share a few of the tips
and tricks that I've learnt overthe last few years about how to
build mental muscles,especially at a time when you're
(01:46):
feeling particularly weak inthat area.
Now, I'm not saying these arethings that will work for
everybody.
Everyone's mental health isdictated by different
circumstances.
But I am saying that I've beento some very dark, horrible,
heart-shattering places with mymental health and these are the
things that have helped mesurvive.
I think they'll be helpful forany women struggling with
hormones or mood changes, but Ialso think they're great tips
(02:07):
for those struggling with mentalhealth in other ways too.
They're just good all-roundertips for all of us.
But flexing mental muscles islike flexing physical ones it's
a workout.
It takes time to build thesemuscles, but once you start
using them and they strengthen,they'll be there when you need
them and then you'll be waystronger than you were at the
start.
So see this as a mental workoutof exercises to help you when
(02:28):
your brain is hormonal, confused, frustrated, depressed, griefy.
You fill in the gap and, as weall know, no exercise is really
that fun or easy at the start.
It takes the desire to reachthe end goal to keep you going.
It's hard work.
It's not ever everyone's firstchoice of activity, but it is
totally worth it and, as withany new exercise, don't expect
(02:48):
to be great at it from thebeginning.
The last podcast interview weput out on our mission to find
101 different types of loss wasloss 62, loss of menopause, and
the next loss episode is aboutthe losses involved with having
a chronic illness.
So I thought I'd put out a blogto sort of tie these together
and share some of the thingsI've learned and self-cultivated
over the years about how tokeep and retain your sanity and
(03:11):
relationships with those aroundyou when your mental health is
taking a hit.
A lot of this started for me in2016 when I started to feel off
Not really myself Tired, angry,very easily frustrated,
overwhelmed and anxious.
These weren't really feelingsI'd struggled with before.
Nearly ten years later, Isuspect that what started it
(03:31):
then and took years to diagnosewas a combination of
endometriosis, pmdd and extremesensitivity to hormone
fluctuations, ibs and low B12,and possibly perimenopause,
kicking it all off in my early30s.
But I'm never going to fullyknow.
What I do know is that manyyears later, after a
hysterectomy in my late 30s tocontrol the PMDD, I am left with
(03:52):
still trying to balancehormones and a whole lot of
experience that I did not wantin having to manage a brain that
doesn't work the way I want itto all the time and, like a lot
of things that affect mentalhealth, most of what I've been
through is a hidden kind of pain, grief and illness.
You can't see physically whatI'm coping with.
The only physical proof wouldbe the tiny scars on my stomach
(04:12):
from surgery and from where theycurrently insert oestrogen
implants every few months.
What started for me in 2016, andonly got worse, was a journey
through mental healthfluctuations that hit me very
hard.
This was very unexpected,confusing, and not something I
even recognised or admitted tofor many years, even now still
in it at times, but largely onthe other side of the worst of
(04:33):
it.
It's not easy for me to saythat that's what I struggle with
.
I have always been a strong,super organised, capable person,
so facing this has probablybeen the biggest challenge I've
ever had to face, for mepersonally and in our marriage.
It's easy to ignore, scoff oreven have sympathy with mental
illness in others, but when ithits you, that's when you really
find out what you think aboutit.
(04:54):
For a long time, I was unable tocontrol my mind and my moods as
I wanted to, but I always feltdetermined to find a way to
control it.
I just couldn't understand whymy own moods and brain function
was suddenly outside of mycontrol.
Then, the constant battle tofix it and failing only made it
worse.
I don't know if, at the time, Ibelieved your own mind and
(05:15):
thoughts could be outside ofyour own control, so therefore I
must be able to do something tosort it.
This just made me bitter,embarrassed, ashamed,
second-guessing life andgenerally frustrated with
everyone and everything,including me.
So I had to learn a lot ofcoping strategies over the years
, and I feel now is a good timeto share them with those of you
that might also be struggling ormight be helping others that
(05:36):
are struggling, or for you toknow about, in case you ever
reach this point yourself.
In JK Rowling's Harry Potter andthe Deathly Hallows, harry says
to Dumbledore is this all realor is it just happening inside
my head?
And Dumbledore replies ofcourse it's happening inside
your head, harry.
Why should that mean it's notreal?
These are real issues.
(05:57):
Even if it's just your headmaking more of something than it
should.
That is a very real thing tothe person going through it and
we need to find ways to help usdeal with this.
Now, of course, there are timeswhen you'll feel beyond doing
anything at all, but I've foundthat if you build these muscles
up, then over time, even inthose times, the muscles you've
worked will be strong enough tohelp you in some small way, even
(06:20):
when things are feeling verybleak.
This is not a fix-it for mentalhealth issues.
They're just things that havehelped me when I'm struggling
and I know could help a lot ofother people too, and I'm going
to be tailoring these to myexperience, which is how I
managed on my own or with myhusband.
So if you're not married or youhave children or you're in a
different situation, then justsubstitute what I refer to with
(06:41):
him to anyone that might bearound you and that could be
friends, colleagues or family.
So here are my five top tipsfor coping in mental slumps,
each with a practical tip tohelp you execute them and a
physical exercise for you.
To liken it to Tip one stop thespiral.
When your mind becomes dark,foggy and even a bit evil.
(07:04):
Yes, you know you've wanted tostab your husband or colleague
for chewing the wrong way.
There is the strong temptationto allow it to spiral.
It's like going on YouTube andfalling down the rabbit hole.
You went on there to find outhow to fix your fence and now
you're watching a video of a manwho's befriended a cabbage.
The same thing happens withyour mind.
You have the thought thatyou're not good enough and
(07:24):
before you know it, you'veconvinced yourself your husband
is having an affair or yourmother never wanted you from
birth.
This is never a healthy use ofyour time or energy.
And if you're honest, you knowwhen you're doing it, because
you're probably weighed down byanger, depression, melancholy or
sadness at the same time.
Tony Robbins said your mind is atool you must use.
If you don't take control ofyour mind, it will control you.
(07:47):
Your thoughts can either buildyou up or break you down.
This exercise is going to be akind of bat it out of the park
type thing I think that's asporty phrase for a sport.
Somewhere you need to grab yourbig old metaphorical bat.
That's very important, becauseholding a real bat at a time
like this is a very bad idea andyou need to whack those
(08:07):
thoughts to where the sun sets.
And this is not an easy or arelaxing task.
In fact it's exhausting.
I know it's easier said thandone.
I've been there and some daysthis feels almost impossible to
do because they're coming at meso fast.
But don't give up, because thestronger those muscles get, the
more you'll find you can controlit or ignore it more than you
(08:27):
think.
For example, if my brain istelling me I'm a waste of oxygen
, I don't have anything to showfor my life, all my dreams have
been crushed and no one loves meor sees me for who I really am.
No one's listening to mypodcast.
They're all laughing at me.
I'll never amount to anything.
It's too late for me to doanything useful in this world
and I'm probably fat.
Now I have a couple of choices.
Option A listen to the voice,start to believe it, which will
(08:48):
inevitably turn outwards onthose around me eventually.
Look at my husband.
He doesn't have to deal withall this crap.
He never helps me.
He doesn't understand what I'mgoing through.
He hasn't even noticed I'vebeen crying.
I bet he doesn't fancy meanymore.
Listen to this voice and whensaid husband appears, probably
in an annoying way, doingsomething wrong and making
noises that nobody wants to hear, then I'll give him what for
why shouldn't I tell him howhorrible he is, how I regret
(09:10):
marrying him, how he doesn'tlove me, how he doesn't
understand, in this instance,what might be?
A seemingly unaware husband hasjust walked into an unprovoked
attack.
How would we like that if hedid that to us without warning,
calling into question our veryrelationship?
It's hurtful and you'll eitherget hate spewed back at you or
you'll have hurt the person youlove the most.
Either way, no happy ending iscoming here.
(09:34):
Shannon L Alder said Feelingsare something you have, not
something you are.
Don't let yourself become yourdark feelings.
They're not always right andthey can really lead you astray.
You can have control over themor there's option B Listen to
the voice, because there's noeasy way to ignore it,
especially early on, but refutethe thoughts with things that
you know but might not feel.
(09:55):
Get your bat.
Every time you whack a nastythought away from you, shout
something you know to be true.
These are your wacky truths.
For example thought You're notworthy of a place on this earth.
Look at you.
What a failure.
Wacky truth I am worthy,everyone is and I'm not failing.
I'm surviving Like a badassmenopausal woman who's losing
(10:16):
her hair a bit.
Thought your husband is goingto find someone far more
interesting and attractive thanyou.
Wacky truth my husband loves meand we are going to get through
this.
More interesting and attractivethan you.
Wacky truth my husband loves meand we are going to get through
this together.
Thought You'll never be likeall those people you see on
social media.
They're winning at life.
Wacky truth Winning is notdefined by what your social
(10:36):
media looks like.
I'm winning just whacking thisthought away.
Thought You're the fattestyou've ever been.
Wacky truth I'm a normal weightfor a menopausal woman who's
struggling with her mentalhealth and I ate some fruit
yesterday instead of chocolate.
Tell your brain the truth of thesituation.
If you know deep down that thisisn't the real you they're not
(10:57):
thoughts you usually have thentell yourself that Maybe the
whole world feels dark and scary, but don't let yourself believe
it.
The world is full of hope andgood things, even if you can't
see or feel any of them rightnow.
Practical tip it's very likelyyou will have reoccurring themes
and thoughts in dark times andthey'll be different for all of
(11:19):
us.
So when you have a better day,find the anecdotes to those and
write them down.
Then, when you're strugglingwith these thoughts, read the
truth out and even if you don'tbelieve it right then, stop
those thoughts from spirallingany further.
If you struggle with assumingyou're unloved but people are
telling you they love you, writethat down I am loved by.
(11:43):
If you feel that your life hasbeen a failure and you're not
worthy of being here, write downthe truth, which could be a few
things.
Maybe it's.
I am going through a hard timeright now, but things aren't as
bad as I feel they are, or maybeit's.
I am just as worthy as anyoneelse feel they are, or maybe
it's.
I am just as worthy as anyoneelse of being here or life is
important.
I will fight for it.
(12:04):
I suffered with a particularfear during these times, and for
me because I'm a Christian.
I used the words from the Biblein 2 Timothy, where it says God
has not given us a spirit offear, but of power, love and a
sound mind.
I didn't feel sound, but ithelped me wrestle with the fear.
Learn your truths andeventually you don't need to
read them, you'll just be ableto use them at the right time.
(12:25):
Let these statements and truthsbe your bat.
Again.
This isn't easy.
I know that it's a battle, it'sa wrestle, but it is worth the
fight and once you flex thosemuscles, you'll start to be able
to defend is worth the fight,and once you flex those muscles,
you'll start to be able todefend yourself against the
thoughts, even if you can't makethem stop or beat them in that
moment.
There may be times when you justneed to distract your brain to
(12:47):
get away from them, and that'sokay too.
Put on the TV, read a book,watch a play, do something to
distract your mind, to give yousome respite.
No one else can do this for youand you need to want to do it
or you will naturally spiralwith those thoughts.
Dan Millman said you don't haveto control your thoughts, you
just have to stop letting themcontrol you.
(13:08):
Tip two close your mouth.
Man, this is a hard one and atfirst you might be thinking what
, but I truly believe it hassaved my marriage and prevented
me losing friendships andrelationships along the way, and
it's the first part of two thatgo together.
So bear that in mind.
When your mind is dark, whenyour mood is black, when your
(13:29):
thoughts are so judgmental andcritical that when you say
anything, it proves the tongueis sharper than the sword, you
need to learn two things.
The first one is to close yourmouth.
The second one we'll get tonext.
This took me a while to learn.
It starts with the recognitionthat what is happening in your
mind is not the natural you, notthe truth, but a version that
isn't well For me.
(13:51):
The PMDD made me hypersensitiveto noises, ie my husband doing
something very normal, overlyfrustrated with people doing
normal things that felt so muchbigger, prone to dark moods and
anger.
I would literally wake up lividand a head full of thoughts
that were nasty, self-critical,unfair on others and heavy for
me to carry.
Now, when I'm in my right mind,I would know whether these
(14:15):
things are to be ignored orthings to be mentioned, and I
know how and when is a good timeto do it.
But if I'm not in the rightmind, the chances are I don't
know how to approach thissensitively or kindly, or know
when to let something go.
So, obviously, if I decide tomention every bad thing that
goes through my head, people aregoing to get hurt, probably the
people who deserve it least andthe ones you need the most.
(14:36):
So here's an important thing toknow it's not other people's
jobs to put up with your crap.
There has to be some ownershipand control on your side.
And yes, I know, I know this isso hard.
This is a tricky muscle tobuild.
(14:57):
We're going to liken this oneto a long silent plank.
It's horrible, it'suncomfortable, it's difficult.
It even makes you angrierinside sometimes, but it can
make you super strong.
It took me a while to realisethis one.
I wasn't very pleasant to bearound, even for myself, and I
would end up in disagreementswith my husband about things I
didn't even care about.
But for some reason I wasfighting for it and I always
(15:18):
immediately knew when I'd gonetoo far.
But at the same time it feltlike it was my right to say or
do it anyway, and I did not knowhow to stop.
Eventually, I realised I had tocontrol this better.
Here's the truth of the matter.
Not everything that comes intoyour head has the right to come
out of your mouth, and you arethe gatekeeper.
So on days when my head wasoverrun with thoughts that
(15:40):
weren't helpful or useful toanyone, I learnt to close my
mouth.
Yes, it is extremely tiringbattling thoughts.
You don't say it's really hardwork, but see it as a mental
workout.
This is a plank.
Initially you might have similarfeelings to the ones I had when
I was wrestling with this.
Why should I?
(16:00):
I'm the one that's struggling.
But trust me, when you learn totake control of the thoughts
you have and the words you say,even at a time when it's super
hard, it will definitely improveyour relationships.
I see too many menopausal orhormonal women leaving their
husbands, constantly getting attheir husbands, blaming their
husbands for not being moreaccepting of their bad behaviour
(16:22):
.
The women even admit they'reawful to live with but expect
their husbands to put up with it.
Well, I have one question forthem.
Would you, would you live withsomeone that constantly gets at
you, nitpicks, nags, questionsyour love or relationship, or is
mean when you know it's not thereal them but they allow
themselves to do it anyway?
I wouldn't, and you need to beprepared for some funny
(16:45):
reactions when you're doing yoursilent plank.
Some people won't understand it.
I've been criticised for beingquiet and accused of not caring,
being judgmental or notinterested Because I've been
quiet in groups or familysituations or meetings.
But you have to do what's bestfor you and sometimes not care
about what others are thinking,especially if you know the
alternative would hurt them evenmore.
(17:06):
Francis Bacon said when yourmind is overloaded, sometimes
the most insightful action is toembrace silence.
Practical tip Find other waysto release the feelings you're
having.
Maybe write it down and letyourself be completely honest
about all the bad thoughts andfeelings.
I do recommend maybe destroyingthis afterwards, because these
(17:27):
can be damaging further down theline to others who might find
it, especially as they're notlikely to be feelings that
you're going to be having forlong, or maybe put on a song
that allows you to sing or dancein a way that can get rid of
the sadness, anger orfrustration.
Keep a playlist for differentemotions so you don't need to
think about it much.
Write down words you can reador say to yourself when your
mind is in a bad place and it'sall too overwhelming Truths that
(17:49):
you know will help you.
The more you learn to recognisethese bad days, the more you
will naturally go into thethings you know will help you.
Those muscles get stronger andsuddenly, instead of just
painfully holding your silentplank, you'll find you learn to
relax into it a bit more and letthe world wash on around you
without reacting.
I learnt to recognise days likethis and the moment I did, I
(18:10):
would give myself permission tobe silent, ignore my thoughts
and remind myself it will pass.
This sounds simple, but it'sactually really hard work.
One thing I can tell you, onceyou manage it, is that it will
save you many arguments withothers and, paired with the next
point, I guarantee you it willhelp you through the bad days.
(18:31):
Mark Twain said it is better tokeep your mouth closed and let
people think you are a fool thanto open it and remove all doubt
.
I think we could say it'sbetter to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are afool than to open it and remove
all doubt.
I think we could say it'sbetter to keep your mouth closed
and let people think you are afool than to open it and show
them that you're really a veryangry, hormonal woman inside Tip
three open your mouth.
Yes, this does sound like I'vegone mad with a point that
(18:52):
completely contradicts theprevious one, but bear with me.
Edith Edger said Suppressingthe feelings only makes it
harder to let them go.
Expression is the opposite ofdepression.
Now, some people might notstruggle with the close your
mouth tip because you don'tcommunicate with anyone about
anything anyway.
British men, I'm looking at you, in which case this one might
(19:14):
be just as helpful for you too.
Tk Coleman said our feelingsare not there to be cast out or
conquered.
They're there to be engaged andexpressed with imagination and
intelligence.
So once you've identified theawful days and the thoughts that
you're dealing with, there isgreat power, healing and release
in being able to open yourmouth in the right way to say
the right things.
(19:34):
What do I mean?
Well, this is another verytricky thing.
For some, this will even beharder than the previous point,
but it's vital, and it hasprobably been the best thing in
my marriage for getting usthrough this and helping my
husband come on the journey withme and not just get battered in
the process.
I'm going to let you in on asecret.
The other people around youaren't psychic.
(19:56):
Even people who know you reallywell, they don't know what's
going on in your brain.
Heck, you don't even know, sohow can they?
So it's really important tolearn how to communicate it, and
I found that keeping thisreally simple is the key.
There are two ways that openingyour mouth is going to help you.
One, on good days, when you'refeeling in a normal headspace.
(20:19):
For you, having conversationsabout what you're feeling and
going through with those thatyou live or work with is
something that will help pavethe way for the bad days.
Find some quality time withthis person or people with no
time pressures could be a parent, partner, sibling, child,
colleague, friend and tell themthat you want to have a
conversation.
That is hard for you butimportant.
(20:40):
Tell them you want to includethem because you value their
relationship and you need theirsupport.
I know this isn't easy stuff toeven say for some people, but
trust me, most people that loveyou will instantly want to have
this conversation.
Then tell them what it's likein your head, how hard it is to
control, why it's happening andwhat you're doing to try and
help it.
Give them time to process andask questions.
(21:02):
Tell them your fears and howhard this is for you to talk
about.
Use I messages, not you messages.
This is a great tip for anyrelationship, marriage or work
chat.
Say things like I'm finding itreally hard to not you make me.
It's far less confrontationaland easier to hear.
Try to phrase everything you'resaying around how it makes you
(21:23):
feel, not what's wrong with themor why they should be
understanding.
This is not about causing afight or picking faults or just
listing what they need to do foryou.
It's about helping them tounderstand.
Then tell them that you'regoing to try to communicate how
you feel at times like this, butit's hard for you, so you're
going to use specific words.
We'll cover that next.
Hopefully, if they love you,they will listen and want to
(21:44):
know how they can help If youhaven't got someone like that.
If there is no one that wouldbe that committed to you, then
try to find someone thatunderstands and can help you
through.
This.
Might be a doctor, a supportgroup or a friend or a neighbour
or a colleague.
Don't make the assumptionothers around you won't care.
There's usually someone outthere that would love to hear
you talk.
Two, the second way to open yourmouth is on bad days.
(22:06):
I've found that if you canverbalise how you feel, having
already prepped your partner orwhoever it is that you're going
to do this, it can helpmassively.
You'll see how I've done thisin the practical tip I'm going
to share.
But it's another thing thatsounds so simple but is very
hard to do.
But it is also a muscle thatI've found is much stronger now
and comes more easily.
(22:26):
In fact, my husband has evenstarted doing it too, which I
love.
I think I'll see this exerciseas the reverse plank, arguably
even more uncomfortable than thenormal plank, but you only need
to hold it for a very shorttime and it's outward facing,
because this is about looking atothers while you're doing it.
Practical tip.
So here it is.
(22:48):
My lifesaver, or marriage saver,I should say, was uttering four
or five words.
And again, you need to tellyour person in advance that this
is what you're going to besaying, so make it specific to
you two.
Maybe it's a funny sentence,maybe it's got curse words in it
, maybe it's just simple, likemine.
For me, I would tell my husbandI'm so angry right now.
(23:09):
This was often at a time whenhe had done nothing wrong.
There was no reason for me tobe angry.
I just had all that emotion inme and I wanted to say it before
he did something that mightmake me want to lash out,
because we talked about what Icould say in this situation
before he knew what this meantand he'd know I was struggling
and that I might be quieter thatday or need space.
(23:29):
Sometimes I would tell him Ifeel so antsy, which was just
uncomfortable in my skin andunsettled about everything.
But when you say these words,you need to do this with zero
expectations that they will doanything in return, because
there's usually nothing they cando.
But even just voicing it, Ifound halved my emotion
instantly.
They also immediately know thatit's something going on in you
(23:50):
and not something they've caused.
Just being able to say this,which is very hard at the time,
and not carrying it all on myown made it instantly so much
easier.
It didn't take it away by anymeans, but it didn't feel like I
was struggling alone anymore,and saying it out loud made it
real somehow and shared it insome way.
Mark Brackett says my messagefor everyone is the same that if
(24:13):
we can learn to identify,express and harness our feelings
, even the most challenging ones, we can use those emotions to
help us create positive,satisfying lives.
Tip four be kind to yourself.
We've done the hard work andnow we're on the warm down and
just like're on the warm downand just like warm up or warm
down exercises.
There'll be those that relishthese and those that wonder if
(24:34):
there's even any point to thembecause they almost seem too
easy.
But there's a hidden benefit tothese exercises they're
preparing you to start gettingactive or to start to slow down.
In the situation of mentalhealth, I found this most used
when I'm needing to slow my minddown.
I think this is probably likethe basic crocodile pose in yoga
.
Just google it.
The whole point of this pose isto lie down and relax into the
(24:55):
floor, although even with thisone, some people find it harder
than others.
I found it really hard at first.
Being kind to myself in theworst moments meant that I
needed to allow a day or twowhere I just rested and reset.
I found this super hard.
I found I heavily judged myselffor needing to do that.
I was critical about myself.
I felt like a failure because Icouldn't just buck up.
(25:16):
I didn't want to be someonethat accepted my situation and
sat on the sofa all day.
I felt that made me look weakand I feared the moment I
allowed this to become myidentity, because then I'd
become a person I never wantedto be.
I didn't ever want to besomeone that needed to rest
because I was struggling withmental health issues.
(25:37):
Well, here's the thing toremember.
No one does, and I wasterrified.
People would think I was justlazy Because, let's face it, it
can be hard to tell thedifference looking in sometimes.
I've never been someone thatwas going to give in to a
diagnosis and let it define whoI was.
So I don't like using labelsfor why I was feeling under the
weather.
I thought that gave thediagnosis more control than I
wanted it to have.
However, I've learned thatsometimes it's important to
mention to people who areinterested what makes me that
(25:57):
way, to give context to thingsI'm experiencing or writing or
podcasting about.
But I'm still terrified ofbecoming the label of someone
with PMDD or struggling withmental illness.
I think this is something a lotof people find hard when
they're faced with somethingthey always assumed they could
avoid.
There's an arrogance to that,but then we all like to think we
have control of our own headsUntil we don't.
(26:18):
So even now I struggle betweenthe self-care route and the fear
of becoming lazy or giving into something I don't want.
For example, I never use theword phobia.
I have fears, but I don't sayphobia.
For example, I never use theword phobia.
I have fears, but I don't sayphobia.
I once spoke to an NLPneurolinguistics programming
person who helped people getover their fears and phobias.
When we first met, he asked meif mine was a fear or a phobia.
(26:38):
I thought for a moment and thensaid fear.
He told me that helped him tosee where I was with it.
If you see it as a phobia, youoften view it as something that
controls you or that you can'tcontrol.
If you see it as a fear, ittells him that potentially you
see it as something already thatcould be overcome.
Pretty much all phobias areirrational.
We all have natural fears likeheights, dying and things that
(26:59):
can kill you.
That's just survival instinct.
But a lot of the phobias thatpeople have are irrational
things because other people geton fine with them, like buttons
or birds or spiders in a countrywhere they can't kill you, or
sharks in a country where younever see one.
Therefore, that can be changed,because it is possible to
conquer fears, but only if youwant to, of course.
Dale Carnegie said you canconquer almost any fear if you
(27:22):
will only make up your mind todo so.
For, remember, fear doesn'texist anywhere except in the
mind.
So for me, anything I gethanded in life in my eye has to
be conquerable.
I refuse to be someone thatwill be pushed down permanently
by anything, least of all my ownbrain.
So that's why the self-careroute has been hard, because I
have had to give in to it andadmit that I need to do
(27:44):
something that might look lazyor selfish to feel better.
However, I also know that's astupid view, because if we don't
care for ourselves, we can'tcare for others.
Driving yourself into theground really isn't a goal that
anyone's aiming for.
Kristen Neff saidself-compassion is not about
comparing yourself to others.
It's about accepting yourselfas you are and embracing your
(28:04):
journey.
So, all that being said, it'sreally important that on days
when you feel at your absoluteworst, you put things in place
to allow that to happen and giveyourself grace and kindness for
it, just as you would any otherperson, and put aside the
thoughts of what anyone elsemight be thinking.
This all massively depends onyou and who you are, how you are
(28:25):
brought up, your personalitytype, etc.
Some of you will know that ifyou take a sofa day, you need to
be careful it doesn't turn intoseven unneeded sofa days.
Others will take a day and feelthe guilt for the rest of the
week.
So get to know yourself andwhat you really need in those
moments and let yourself have it.
Self-care can be as simple asrecognising your emotions and
then reacting accordingly, as myprevious tips have mentioned.
(28:47):
The quicker you recognise andlabel them accordingly, as my
previous tips have mentioned,the quicker you recognise and
label them, the easier it is totalk about them and find ways to
express and regulate them ifneeded.
Brené Brown says talk toyourself like you would talk to
someone you love Challenging fora lot of us.
For me, at my absolute worst, Ineed to be somewhere comfortable
in something comfortable neverpyjamas, slippery slope during
(29:08):
the day, but comfy jeans andclothes.
On the sofa, with something onTV that distracts my mind, but
also something I know well andfeel safe, with no new
information or scenes to contendwith.
I need to allow myself to sitthis out without the huge guilt
that wants to settle on me fornot doing more.
I also know that a hot bath anda novel is my safe place and
(29:28):
this is something I can takemyself to when I'm really
struggling.
Know what helps you feel happyand safe and go to it when you
need it.
Hot water bottle that's anotherone for me.
That's another reason I createHermann's, because when you
can't have a sofa day and youneed to go to work or to an
event and you're struggling,there's something lovely about
having something or someone withyou that understands and
(29:49):
reminds you to be kind toyourself.
Practical tip Once you findthese things, if you live with
other people, tell them aboutthem.
It's been a huge blessing to mewhen I'm at my worst and Chris
can spot it, or because I'vetold him that he will steer me
to the sofa, make me lie down,put Schitt's Creek on TV, cover
(30:09):
me in a blanket and tell me tostay put.
If you don't have someone thatcan help you in this way, then
write it down and have anotebook or a wall or a
Pinterest board or a folder withthings in it that you can do on
a bad day and read your ownadvice to yourself and then go
do it.
On our podcast episode aboutself-awareness with Katie
Elliott, she told us about theAmico cards.
(30:31):
I'll put a link in the shownotes.
It's a deck of cards withthings on each card that you can
do for self-care Ideas to helpyou feel good in a moment when
you can't work out what you wantto do for yourself.
Things like have a glass ofwater, go for a walk, contact a
friend, have a bath Lots ofideas to see what you might feel
like in that moment.
Jean Shinoda Boland said whenyou recover or discover
(30:51):
something that nourishes yoursoul and brings you joy, care
enough about yourself to makeroom for it in your life.
Tip five don't lose hope.
Hope, he's an elusive littlefellow at times.
There have been moments when Iwas just clinging to hope by my
fingernails, one of the things Iwould tell myself when I didn't
feel it was.
(31:11):
There is hope, and I owe a lotof that not just to my faith but
also to our podcast guests.
I've heard so many people sayafter surviving horrific things
that they knew there was alwayshope, that it was true, even if
they didn't feel it.
A quote I use a lot on thepodcast is Desmond Tutu hope is
being able to see that there islight despite all of the
(31:33):
darkness.
And I would say the same to you.
There will always be days whenhope is the furthest, weakest,
most ineffective thing you couldthink of.
But just plant it deep in yoursoul so you know, even on those
days when you come out of thatfunk, it's still there, because
you will have good and bad days.
The good days might not begreat days or even normal days,
(31:55):
but there will be slithers ofgood that appear and in those
moments remind yourself you arenot alone and there is hope, and
then cling to that, remember it.
It's so easy to lose hope andhard to find it sometimes, but
it's always there.
George Weinberg says hope neverabandons you, you abandon it.
When I think of an exercise forhope, I think of a star jump.
(32:17):
It's a joyful, fun thing to do.
It stretches your limbs,reaches for the sky, leaves the
ground, feels amazing and raisesyou up.
But it also takes energy, ittakes effort, it can't be done
half-heartedly and, once again,that won't feel easy at times.
Hope isn't always easy to find.
It doesn't just come to you.
You have to choose to believein it.
(32:39):
Choose to jump Practical tip.
Find something that speaks toyou in a profound way about hope
, and have it to hand when youneed it.
No, I'm not about to sell youHermann's, but that is one
option.
It might be a song or a quoteon the wall, a poem you read, a
book you love.
Whatever it is, make yourselfsee it, read it or listen to it
when you're in the dark andfeeling desperate.
(33:00):
For me it was a worship songthat spoke deeply into where I
was and the hope that there isstill to come.
It's called Seasons by BenjaminHastings, and the words just
spoke to me about the fact that,yes, I might be in winter right
now.
I might just be a buried seed,the winter might be long, but
there is a promise of the barrenbecoming beautiful, of seeds
(33:21):
growing into sequoias, of hopefor a new season ahead.
Find your thing and makeyourself use it when you can't
see hope for yourself.
Martin Luther King Jr said wemust accept finite
disappointment, but never loseinfinite hope.
So they're my top things thathave helped me and saved me in
dark times.
They're also things I havenoticed that come so much easier
(33:42):
to me now that my muscles aregetting stronger.
Well, the mental ones anyway.
I still need to work on thephysical ones and, like I said,
I've even had Chris come to meand say I feel really angry and
I don't know why, and Iinstantly feel compassion for
him and I give him space or Isteer him to the sofa and cook
dinner for him.
In fact, we've recognizedanother one we can use between
each other, and this one is areal kick in the gut to hear
(34:02):
your partner say but withcontext, we understand it now
and it's I don't really like youright now, but I don't know why
.
Ouch, I told him to feel freeto use it anytime, but every
time I hear it it's like a knifein my heart.
Then I have to remind myselfit's not personal.
I know that feeling well andthat's okay.
Even with that, we've noticedthat just saying it out loud
(34:24):
helps the feeling ease inside.
But don't try that withoutfirst having a conversational
agreement that you can use thatsentence and the other person
knows what you mean.
And that's another final tipI'll give you Don't lose sight
of other people.
It might be hard to engage withlife and other things going on
around you, but don't giveyourself permission to not
bother with other people.
For example, birthdays,anniversaries there are so many
(34:47):
ways now to celebrate otherswith minimal effort.
Set reminders on your phonewhen they ping, send them a
birthday gif on WhatsApp, send acard directly from a website
that does it all for you.
Don't check out of life.
It's too wonderful and it'll betoo hard to rejoin later on if
you do.
Keep your gratitude for life forstill being here another day.
Many people would envy youstill having that, for still
(35:09):
being here another day.
Many people would envy youstill having that.
As Clarence Oddbody said in thefilm, it's a wonderful life.
You see, george, you've reallyhad a wonderful life, don't you
see what a mistake it would beto throw it away?
Don't throw away the life youhave, especially on the days
when you really want to Buildmuscles to carry it a bit easier
(35:30):
, it can be a wonderful life.
I truly believe and am clingingto that, but sometimes it just
takes a bit of fighting for.
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