February 11, 2025 • 38 mins
What does it mean to truly support special needs families, and how can we as a community come together to offer that support? In our latest episode, we bring you a heartfelt conversation with John Fela, a dedicated advocate who has turned his personal journey as a parent of a nonverbal autistic son into a powerful mission working with Joni and Friends, a global Christian disability ministry. John's inspiring story of creating a support group for special needs dads not only highlights the importance of community but also reveals the transformative power of shared experiences. Join us as we promise to open your eyes to the resilience and hope that emerge when families navigate the complexities of autism together.
Navigating the world of special needs parenting comes with its unique set of challenges and victories, especially for single parents. Drawing from real-life experiences, we share stories of overcoming fears and breaking through isolation by building connections with other parents and community organizations. Schools, churches, and local groups all play pivotal roles in this journey, offering vital support from early childhood into adolescence and beyond. We explore how preparing for guardianship and continuously adapting to the needs of the autistic community requires a deep understanding and unwavering commitment to inclusion.
Churches have a unique opportunity to foster genuine acceptance for families and individuals with disabilities, moving beyond surface-level inclusion. John Fela shares invaluable insights into how religious communities can create environments that truly celebrate all abilities, encouraging meaningful participation. We touch on the future concerns many parents face, urging church leadership to develop sustainable programs that address these anxieties. As we wrap up, we express gratitude for the stories of courage and resilience shared, reminding us all of the enduring impact these narratives hold. Tune in for an episode filled with inspiration, practical advice, and a promise of community support that shines brightly.
www.johnfela.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The SJ Childs Show is Backford's 13th season.
Join Sarah Brafford and the SJChilds Show team as they explore
the world of autism and sharestories of hope and inspiration.
This season we're excited tobring you more autism summits
featuring experts and advocatesfrom around the world.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Go to sjchildsorg.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Hi and thanks for joining the SJ Child Show.
I'm really excited today to getinto this conversation with
John.
Is it just pronounced Fela?
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Actually Fela.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Fela, okay, what?
Speaker 4 (00:57):
heritage.
Is that from?
Believe it or not?
It's actually Polish.
Both my mom and dad were bothPolish on either side, and I
know that most people thoughtthat it might've been shortened
from something at some point,but we've actually.
You know, we were able to kindof trace the lineage a little
bit, and there are other folksactually with the exact same
name too, so, go figure.
I will say though and this isalso just something that I
(01:18):
normally say for the end butsince you brought up the last
name, much of my content, foranybody who looks me up, is
actually going to be under adifferent last name, which is
Fella Geller, and the reason forthat is because that was
actually my married name in myprevious marriage.
So I've since been divorced andremarried, but my ex-wife at
the time and I we took our twolast names, put them together,
(01:39):
had it legally changed, so Iused to be Fella Geller, but now
I'm going back to just Fela,dropping that.
It hasn't all gone through thecourts and everything yet, and a
lot of my old content is stillunder the previous name.
So I tell people you can findme either one way or another,
you'll see my stuff.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Right, so that's not confusing.
Really happy to go from mymaiden name to my married name
because my maiden name isGullahur and it was just really
tricky for people.
So Bradford and then Childs isjust my author name, sj Childs.
(02:16):
It was a play on words for thechild genre because I was
writing children's books.
So, yeah, kind of fun.
Well, let's get into why you'rehere today, share a little bit
about yourself, introduceyourself, and then we'll get
into this conversation.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Sure, absolutely.
Well, I like to jokingly referto myself as the Swiss Army
Knife of Disability Advocacy orDisability Ministry, so I'm all
special needs all the time.
So first of all, I identify asa parent of disability.
I have a 17-year-old son, chris, who's autistic and nonverbal.
He's currently living at aresidential facility out in
(02:56):
Wichita, kansas.
That's not a forever thing,that's just so he can basically
finish high school and thenhe'll come home.
But that's just where he's atnow.
And I will tell you that when Isay all disability all the time
, so that looks a variety ofdifferent ways.
My day job is actually workingfor an organization called
(03:16):
Johnny and Friends, which is aglobal Christian disability
ministry that supports peopleand families all over the world.
We're in over 30 countries, butI work out of our Chicago area
office and we handle severalstates in the Midwest, and so we
do a variety of outreach andthings with families.
My job actually specifically isto work with churches to train
them on disability awareness,provide resources, training for
(03:38):
staff and just help people to,you know, really support and
serve the disability populationin their congregation.
But then outside of that, I'man advocate in my own right and
that actually started for meseveral years ago, even before I
was doing this job.
But you know, I kind of felt acouple things.
One thing I felt was I realizedas a parent and also more
(03:59):
specifically as a dad, that Iwas not resourced.
I didn't, you know, have a lotof support.
There was just a lot missing interms of answers to questions
and things like that.
So, you know, in the way thatmost parents of disability go
out looking for answers, I alsofelt the need to give back and
in that way, not only was I ableto support and help and bless
(04:21):
other people, but I was alsoable to help get resourced
myself through thoserelationships and experiences.
So I started out in small ways,like starting a support group
for special needs dads in mycommunity, which I still run to
this day, but then gettinginvolved with other national
organizations and ministriesthat serve disabilities.
So I've been a writer and aspeaker for many organizations
for several years and do avariety of presentations you
(04:45):
know podcasts, you know justlike this, obviously and do a
variety of presentations youknow podcasts, you know just
like this, obviously.
And then I'm involved with youknow support for parents and
families, again specifically fordads.
I'm actually involved with acouple different organizations
that support special needs dadsand that looks.
You know a variety of differentways, but you know, really I
just come back to that supportpiece and you know I always like
to see myself as someone who,if someone comes to me with a
(05:06):
question or an issue or, youknow, whatever they want to talk
about, you know I'm alwayswilling to have that
conversation.
I may not have an answer foryou, but you know I certainly
can probably point you in theright direction and I think
that's what all of us as parentson this journey need to.
You know, just kind of keep usgoing and keep us going down the
road.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Yeah, isn't that the truth?
We sound like we're on verysimilar journeys, very similar,
and I really just love all thatyou're doing.
And I think, when it comes,especially as a parent and as a
self-advocate I got my owndiagnosis three years ago and
really helped me to perceiveeverything a little differently
(05:48):
and the support piece within ourfamily was just like a
celebration it was.
It was beautiful, it wastangible, we could really kind
of understand each other in adifferent way than ever before,
but it really as a parent, Iunderstand where that passion
(06:10):
comes from, that passion andthat in seeking for resources,
oftentimes we find that soundslike in your case as well that
we really have kind of someknowledge from our experiences
that we can also share.
And it's so important and Ithink that you know, in this
(06:30):
podcast, for example, we're 300and something episodes into it
now and that is so much learningand so much teaching and so
much sharing of just invaluableinformation.
That is just, you know, helpingpeople on so many different
parts of their journey.
(06:51):
We're all in a different part ofour journey and I think it's
just wonderful what you're doingand you know it's great when we
when I find the the dad greatwhen we, when I find the, the
dad component, and I have somegreat I'm sure that you probably
(07:11):
already connected to them.
You know, dads, that I'd loveto connect you with that do
great organizations and thingslike that.
So tell us a little bit aboutum, where it like that start
starting point for you, if youdon't mind going back to that
and and what that looked likeand how maybe you pivoted from
(07:33):
an old life that you were intowhat you were going to be doing
yeah, I, I love telling thatstory and, and for me it
actually goes back about 15years.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
So my son originally got his diagnosis when he was
about three, which is typicalfor these kinds of things.
And I would tell you at thattime, like most parents, you
know, I was lost, confused.
You know we were trying tofigure out exactly.
You know to what degree this isbecause, you know, when your
kids are young and you have adiagnosis, on the one hand
there's a lot of hope becauseyou feel there's all this time
(08:06):
in the world and maybe he'lljust grow out of it or maybe
something will just change Right.
And and of course, then whenthings don't start to change,
then you have to kind of dig ina little more.
But what I noticed and againthis is very specific, I think,
to to my journey as a, as ahusband and as a father was in
our marriage and in our family,and I think this is a pretty
(08:27):
typical dynamic as well for most.
You know, my son's mom, myex-wife, was excellent with
handling all of the nuts andbolts, all of the ins and outs,
managing the doctors, thetherapies, the insurance, and
she was a very type, apersonality and what was a
teacher?
So we had a teacher brain.
I'm actually a former teacheras well, so I can appreciate
(08:48):
that, you know.
But she handled all that andyou know her mom, you know my
mother-in-law also was veryinvolved and brought a lot to
the table and I had to kind offigure out okay, so what do I do
here?
Because more often than not,with a lot of, with a lot of
families, the, the dad, you know, men are fixers, right, and so
if we can't fix the issue, whatam I going to do?
(09:09):
Well, let me throw myself intomy work, let me throw myself
into my career, let me pay forall these things.
I might not understand all ofit, I might not be the one
actually taking the, you knowour kid to this or that, but I
can write a check.
Well, in my case, I couldn't dothat either, because I was not
the breadwinner.
My wife, my ex-wife, alwaysmade more money than me.
(09:30):
So if I couldn't write thecheck and if I wasn't handling
all of these things that she was, then what was my role, what
was my purpose, what did I do,what did I contribute and what
unfortunately transpired?
And we went through a season oflife again years ago where all
of a sudden, things just stoppedworking right.
Our relationship, our marriage,started to crumble a lot,
(09:52):
because there's this guilt andshame that develops in terms of
who's doing more or I'mcontributing more to this and
you're not contributing enough,and really I was just on an
island and we didn't really havea lot of support.
We were going through so muchagain in terms of, you know,
finding, you know, the rightschool placement for him,
(10:15):
figuring out the right insuranceyou know, I had a job loss of
that really contributed tothings, and again there was
nowhere to pull from, there wasno support, there was no
structure.
I tell a story in mypresentations.
I call it a tale of two parkinglots where I describe a scene
where I was sitting in my carone day, because the church we
attended at the time there was amen's group I used to go to and
(10:36):
I sat in my car, you know, andthis was during the summer of
2012,.
Actually, I sat in the car.
I called a couple of my oldestfriends trying to see if they
could support me somehow.
They had no clue what to do forme because the experience was
so foreign to them, even thoughthey were both married although
they had no kids yet.
And then I go into this men'sgroup meeting and even all of
(10:57):
those men who were minimum 20years older than me, they still
had nothing for me.
And so I realized that veryquickly I had no community.
So what I did then was I did acouple of things is that I
intentionally sought outcommunity.
I sought out community in thoseplaces where it was easiest
enough to plug in, and for us,really, that came down to moving
(11:21):
to a new town, getting my sonin a new school district,
connecting with those parentsand families, connecting with
folks in our community andthat's actually where my first
dance meetup group came out ofwas just those guys in the
community.
And then, you know, guys maybethat were maybe a town or two
over and, as you know, as ourjourney, you know, progressed
(11:46):
and developed, then it reallybecame something where I saw
what I didn't have, when Istruggled and, you know, going
through a season of life where Iliterally almost lost my
marriage Now I did wind upgetting divorced, but at least
at the time I didn't lose it.
But having almost gone throughthat, not sure about what the
future was going to hold, evento the point of being suicidal,
you know, which I'm also verytransparent about as well.
(12:08):
You know, going from that toreally intentionally finding
those resources, but then alsotrying to intentionally build
them again with the supportgroups, with connecting with
other organizations locally andaround the country and giving
back in a variety of ways, butdeveloping relationships.
Then that not only supported mewhen I needed them to, but also
(12:28):
then I could take those thingsand then share it with others,
and so it created a really nicesynergy in my life.
And, and of course, you know,what I didn't know was, you know
, even a few years after this, Iwould really wind up needing
those resources as a, you know,divorced dad and as a single
father, at least for a shorttime, you know.
So that's where I really saythat there isn't anyone, that I
(12:51):
wouldn't help, because I knowwhat it is to be alone and have
nothing and that is no way tolive.
And especially when you arewalking this path of disability,
it is not the ideal or optimalway to be doing this and you
really need at least onerelationship.
That's the other thing I tellpeople.
You might not have a wholecommunity, you might not have a
(13:12):
tribe.
Start with one, start with oneperson.
That can sometimes make all thedifference.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Isn't that the truth and it's really?
I can definitely remember thoseearly days where we were along
the same lines.
He was 18 months, it was severe, if you will at the time, and
it, you know, self harming, andit was just so much, it was so
(13:42):
much fear that really ran kindof our days.
And I was so lucky because myhusband had a sister with Down
syndrome, so he had already kindof had his foot in that life of
special needs and understandinghow to kind of provide a safe
(14:05):
space for someone, and so thatwas, you know, wonderful and he
really guided us through a lotof time.
And then on my end I was amedical paralegal, so I fell
heavily into the research partof it and you just really want
(14:25):
to understand you know what, why, where, where, all of the
things.
And you know, in that I meanalso kind of started to
recognize we are alone in this,just like you kind of said and,
(14:46):
and you know, we couldn't leanon our parents at that time and
we really felt like an islandand kind of in that also, I
agree, is where I recognize thatlike I have to make friends,
like there's got to be a way,and just like you, went to the
(15:09):
school, you know, was at thepreschool and just started
talking to all the parents andputting myself out there to
these other parents, and theprincipal recognized and asked
me if I would be the specialneeds parent liaison between
them and the parents to be ableto communicate back and forth.
(15:30):
And, oh man, I was so excited,you know, this opportunity to be
able to do this.
But we only made it until firstgrade, um, and then, because
and you know, he's so muchdifferent, he's twice
exceptional and also semi-verbal, so he was reading at one and
(15:53):
writing at two, but stillnon-speaking, until about four,
four and a half, and today it'snot reciprocative conversation,
it's very much still echoeliaand other language pieces.
You know, we call it puzzle,puzzle talk and the puzzle
(16:14):
buster, um, and so, in that,it's just that you know, like I
started seeing, okay, well, how,where's the need, where's the
lack, where where do we fill allof these gaps?
And whoa, it's overwhelming andI can't believe.
(16:35):
I look back and that's a decadeago, as probably yourself, you
know, and they're teenagers, andhe's grown so much.
He's, you know, thrived in somany ways, but he still will
probably live here, for all youknow, with us for the rest of
(16:57):
his life and it's a hard part toprepare for and you have to
prepare, and that's anothertricky part because you're
getting to that guardianshipkind of age as well, for you're
probably doing a lot of learningon that end.
What do you think as far as thatreally important part for
(17:23):
especially maybe churches,because you're working in that
ministry field what is one keylike main component that you
want them to have for theautistic community?
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Absolutely, and you know what you actually just
spoke to it.
Because community, absolutely.
And you know what you actuallyjust spoke to it.
Because whenever I go to achurch and this is where you
know if I do any kind of anawareness talk or a training, or
or even in my regularpresentations if it's, let's say
, like a conference, you know Ialways start with a picture of
my family and of course now it'smy new family, it's my new wife
and step-mom.
But you know, I often describemy son, I say, and now, granted,
(18:03):
he's living in another state,at least for right now.
But you know, in general, whenhe lived here and as he grew up,
I say, you know, let me tellyou about him.
He was so busy with all of thisstuff, you know, I mean, and
yeah, he did therapy, but he didthe fun therapy, he did the
special needs karate, he did theequine therapy, he did the swim
therapy, he was involved in allthese things.
(18:25):
And then, once in a while itmight be something weird or
different.
You try ice skating orsomething, and who knows right,
and I say but let me tell youone other important thing about
him he doesn't have any friends,people who are not from this
(18:56):
world might scratch their headslike, yeah, but wait, you just
said he was involved in all thisstuff and I say yes, but it's
kind of this default where youkind of have your school friends
, the ones who are just in yourprogram, and, quite honestly,
for him, or you want to go shoothoops or play video games.
He doesn't have that.
He doesn't have the language,he doesn't have the social
skills.
Why is that an issue?
Because he's 17 now.
One day he'll be 30, 40, 50.
Oh, by the way, he's an onlychild.
Oh, by the way, so are both ofhis parents.
(19:17):
So he doesn't.
And now, granted, I'm remarried, and if mom remarries, you know
, okay, you might have someextended family in there or
whatever.
But you know he's also it'salso not his original birth
family, so to speak.
You know it's extended familyand stepbrothers and you know
all this kind of stuff.
So you know, the reality is thatat some point in his life,
(19:39):
however old he gets and that'sthe thing that I also mentioned
to churches or anybody thedisability population is growing
in number and it's also growingolder.
Now it's growing older becausewe have advances in medical
science and that's all great,but the reality is that my son
might live to be 70, 80, easy,maybe more, at some point.
(20:00):
Mom and dad aren't going to bearound anymore and neither will
most of the people that he knowsright now in his life.
Who's going to be his community?
We're going to be the people tocheck in on.
We're going to be the people tosay happy birthday, Merry
Christmas, I love you.
Who will those people be?
This is where the church has, asI also like to say, an
opportunity and an obligation,right?
(20:20):
Because in the same way that agood church community might
connect with somebody in hospiceor you know someone in elder
care or memory care, like my ownmother, quite honestly you know
, in that same way you also wantto be connecting with those
individuals who might have agroup home situation of some
form, and maybe they're not, youknow in, you know in like
(20:43):
medically incapacitated or, youknow, not near the end of their
life necessarily, but they mightjust be older and not have
anybody left.
So there you have anopportunity to take.
You know and again, this isalso something when I work with
churches, because a lot ofchurches today have some form of
a disability ministry, theyhave some form of a program,
some form of an environment, butthe problem is, is that they
(21:05):
really see it as either like anextension of a kids ministry or
kind of a band-aid thing.
We have some families who havesomething, and so we're just
going to try to make it best forthem.
The reality is, is that you wantthat to grow to the point where
those folks are welcomed andaccepted like anybody else,
right?
Because oh, by the way, they'vegot interests and they've got
(21:25):
skills and talents, and you knowthe churches that do this
really well.
Folks who identify with adisability are also contributing
, right.
They're also serving, they'realso volunteering, right, it
might look different fordifferent folks, but they still,
if they have the ability to dosomething, then that's what they
acknowledge and that's whatthey lean into.
And also, in that same way, weneed to go beyond the church
(21:48):
walls and say, ok, how are wesupporting that community again
when they may not have anybodyleft?
And that, quite honestly, as aparent, parent is what grieves
me the most.
I mean, there's there's lots ofthings to grieve, and there
certainly have been, but that isthe thing that absolutely
scares the living you know,whatever you want to say, and
(22:09):
and it's it's a thing that maybekeeps me up at night the most,
and so that's why I really havea passion with this, and
especially when I I talk tothese church communities and
things, you know, this is what Ireally, you know, want to
impress upon them.
Is this, this, for a lot offamilies, this is a very, very
serious issue and and you canhelp us we're not saying you
(22:29):
need to fix it, we're not sayingyou need to do all the work,
but you can be an integral pieceof the puzzle that, you know,
gives a family, you know, kindof this, this identity of peace
and safety, you know, as theymove forward in life.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Absolutely what.
How would somebody start any ofmy listeners now if they wanted
to start, you know, thisconversation with their church
or you know it.
Should they reach out to you toget advice?
How do they reach out to theirown church leaders, um, on their
(23:04):
own, or um, do they reach outto other parents to kind of come
with them as like a little youknow tribe, or what is?
What kind of advice do you givethem?
Speaker 4 (23:15):
You know it's, it's different for every church.
And this is the other thing,too, that I mention to people,
because sometimes people see youknow my organization and my
work as like a salesperson, likeI have a kid or a program I'm
going to sell you.
I don't sell you anything.
Matter of fact, we work witheverybody for free.
We're straight ministry, right.
So I mean you know what I tellchurches is listen, don't get
(23:40):
hung up on money.
It's a matter of what worksbest for you, because every
church is different in terms oftheir size, their resources,
their physical space.
So it's going to lookdifferently for everybody.
But where I like to start out isactually with the leadership,
right.
So if there are, you know,church leaders listening to this
, or if you're a parent ofdisability and nothing's going
on in your church, you reallywant to start with the
(24:01):
leadership, if at all possible.
And the reason why is because,again, going back to this idea
that we're not going, at the endof the day, we're really not
going for inclusion.
Inclusion's fine, but whatwe're really going for is
acceptance, right.
Because the problem is is thatmany churches make a classroom
or make an environment orsomething, and then they stop
(24:21):
and it stops growing and a lotof people don't even know it's
even there, because it's justthat weird classroom that's down
the hall and down the steps andwe don't know what goes on
there, right?
So the idea here is start withthe leadership so they can
embrace it and make it part ofthe DNA of the church, make it
an integral part of thecommunity.
That has to come from theleadership on down.
(24:43):
So, for example, what I do, myorganization has offices all
over the country and we cansupport people with in-person
training.
We have tons of onlineresources.
We can work with you virtually.
So there are a number of waysyou could do it, and all you
would have to do is go tojohnnyandfriendsorg punch in
your zip code.
You'll find a local office andif you're in the Midwest, it's
(25:05):
probably me, maybe not, butprobably you know.
But we can work with you in avariety of ways.
The other thing that I willalso mention is because, again,
sometimes I talk to churches andthey might have a particular
need.
So they might say for exampleit's actually J-O-N-I.
Sorry, it's out?
Speaker 3 (25:22):
Yeah, I should have asked you.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
It's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:26):
Yeah, it confuses people, because when they see
J-O-N-I, they think Joni, andit's actually Joni, believe it
or not.
But you know that's a greatplace to start.
But also, too, you know I'm, asI mentioned, in terms of my
other work with otherorganizations around the country
.
There are a ton of ministriesand organizations that do what
we do, not necessarily in termsof you know, our size or scope,
(25:50):
but a lot of them equally havegreat resources, some resources
we actually don't have, right.
So what I like to emphasize,too, is listen, if I don't have
it, I can get it for you or Ican point you in the right
direction, right?
So if it's something specificyou're looking for or you know
this is what we're thinking inour head great, let's see how we
can make that happen.
But the other thing I want toemphasize too and going back to
that point about you know, moneyand resources, because that's
(26:13):
usually the first thing peoplego to, just as a natural
response how much is this goingto cost?
Well, here's the thing I don'tcost anything.
But what do you want to spendon the ministry?
Do you need to spend $10,000?
You can, but you don't have to.
Do you need to spend $1,000?
You can, but you don't have to.
You could literally start withnothing.
(26:34):
And again, I emphasize this tochurches there are folks I know
that have incredible programs.
They don't have a classroom,they don't have a sensory room,
they don't have, you know, a lotof things other bigger churches
do, but they have a greatprogram.
They've got great volunteerbuddies.
You know they have a greatstructure in place.
So there are a whole variety ofways to do it.
But don't let any hang up, getto you and say, well, we just
(26:56):
can't do that.
Or the other thing that reallygets to me is when a church will
say you know we don't do that,but go talk to the folks down
the street.
You know it's kind of like forthose of you who remember the
old Christmas movie, Miracle on34th Street, macy's doesn't have
it.
Go to Gimbel's.
Well, here's the problem thatfamily might really want to go
(27:21):
to that church.
Maybe that family grew up inthat church, maybe that family
really likes that church forsome reason they have other
friends or family there.
It's closer.
Or in general, you know thechurch should just be a
welcoming, inviting place period, and disability should not
stand in the way of that.
So you know, it's great ifyou're helping them or you
believe you're helping them, butwhy don't you make your doors
(27:42):
open and be honest?
And that's the other thing Isay too.
Look, I'm a parent, I get it.
Look, just be honest, here'swhat we have.
We have this, we don't havethat, or maybe we have nothing,
but you're welcome.
You're welcome to be here andif we can make it work, great.
And you know, if you want tobring in some resources to help
us, awesome.
But just be honest, right, asopposed to saying it's just not
(28:05):
something we do.
Well, here's the thing.
Going back again to my otherpoint about the disability
population growing in number andgetting older, you know
churches can't ignore this partof their community.
And again, that's another thingI hear we don't have those
folks here.
Yeah, you do.
You might not realize it.
Or maybe there are folks in thecommunity that won't come or
(28:26):
won't attend because they don'tfeel welcomed or they don't feel
that it's as successful as itcould be.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Absolutely.
I really hope a lot oflisteners in my city are.
You know, listening andunderstanding, because I live in
Utah.
I'll let you just go with that,letting everyone belong where
they desire to.
If you know, like you said,with the resources you have
(29:01):
available in your churches andin your support groups, for sure
, what about for the dads outthere?
Is there an online group thatyou have that we can send them
to to get ahold of you?
Things like that?
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
Sure, well, they, they can always reach out to me.
You can find me on social mediaor through my website or
whatever it's.
It's easy to find me.
But an organization that Iactually want to recommend that
I always recommend when I dothese kinds of interviews is
Special Fathers Network.
So Special Fathers Network youcan find it online if you just
Google Special Fathers Network,and it's a national organization
(29:44):
.
It's based here out of Chicago,but it has incredible reach and
they have incredible resources.
So what do they have?
First of all, we talked aboutsupport groups.
They have virtual supportgroups called mastermind groups.
The model comes out of like thecorporate world, but don't let
that scary or anything, but it's, you know, they're wonderful.
Just meetup groups with guysfrom around the country.
(30:06):
Sometimes, you know, it's a mixof guys from around the country
.
Sometimes it's specific to agiven area, just kind of based
on what works for you.
Some groups meet different daysor nights and that type of
thing.
Based on what works for you.
Some groups meet different daysor nights and that type of
thing.
But I have made some wonderfulrelationships and friendships.
I'm not currently doing thosemeetup groups right now, but I
have in the past and they areincredible and it's an
(30:27):
incredible organization.
There are a ton of greatresources on there.
So, talking about podcasts, forexample, I would tell you that
disability-wise that podcast notto insult yours, of course when
you look at that.
When you look at that podcastlist, it is very, very
impressive.
Pretty much anyone that hasdone anything disability wise is
(30:48):
on there to to some level.
And what's also cool about it,too, is as, as part of the
virtual groups, the the meetupgroups.
Okay, so I'll just tell youthis story quick.
So part of that is that we dolike a book club, like a book
study, and it's usually a bookon disability or, you know, once
in a while it might just belike a guy's book or a dad's
(31:09):
book, but David, who runs theorganization, he always gets the
author of the book that we'rereading to come on and do a
little Q&A, and that'sregardless of the book we're
reading, mind you.
So one time this was a coupleyears ago we read I'm sure
you're familiar with TempleGrandin and we read her book
Thinking in Pictures, and Templecame on.
(31:30):
And Temple came on, did a Q&Awith us, and what's actually
funny is that for that Q&A shewas on but another guy who was
actually connected to ourorganization, and we got movie
or TV buffs here, but there's aguy named Joe Montagna.
Joe Montagna is a Hollywoodactor originally from Chicago,
but he's also a father ofdisability.
(31:51):
So because he's part of theorganization, technically, he
was on the call too.
So you had a Hollywood guy, youhad Temple Grandin, you had
these guys from all over thecountry.
It's like, hey, this is a partyright.
So it's that kind of connection, those kind of resources.
And there's great YouTubevideos.
There's jump into a big group.
At least not right away, youcan get connected with one
(32:12):
mentor guy.
He might be in your area ormaybe somebody virtually, you
know, maybe same age ordisability as your child, but
you can get connected with amentor father that can then kind
(32:32):
of be like your life coach inthis area, so to speak.
So there's a ton of greatresources with it.
I absolutely love it.
So I would really encourage youto check them out.
There are a couple of othersmaller organizations and
ministries that also do stuff.
There's one called FatherhoodCommission, so it's like
(32:52):
commission with a C-O andcapital M Fatherhood Commission.
They're a national organizationas well.
They're a national organizationas well.
They're a Christianorganization.
So not all of them arefaith-based, for those that
makes a difference, but they arealso a great organization that
also does virtual meetups.
And then there is anotherChristian one called Rising
Above Ministries and they're outof Kentucky and they actually
(33:15):
do really good parent supportgroups for moms and dads.
So I would strongly suggest,like any of those are ones that
I absolutely have vetted andwould speak to, you know for
sure, but definitely explorethat.
And again, if you're a guy outthere and this is all really
fresh and new for you and youhave nobody definitely consider,
you know, maybe connecting withSpecial Fathers.
(33:36):
You know, on some level, ifit's a group thing or an
individual thing, but again, I'malways happy to connect with
anybody.
You know I, I I'm reallyserious about that.
Anybody can find me online,connect with me through social
media or, like I said, website,that type of thing, and, and I'm
I'm always happy to have aconversation with you and see if
maybe there's, you know,someone or something that I can
(33:56):
connect you with.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
I love that.
I'm the same spirit.
I want to just connect peoplewith all the right things and
resources and families, and giveme your website so I can share
that with everyone.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
Yeah, it's just my name.
It's just johnfellacom, soJ-O-H-N-F-E-L-A dot com and
you'll see samples of my writing, speaking, podcasts et cetera
on there.
So you kind of get a flavor forwho I am and what I'm involved
with.
Again, if you're interested insome of the resources I
(34:31):
mentioned, either for supportingyour church in terms of
disability ministry, or ifyou're looking for someone you
know, even as a speaker, orsomeone to consult from a
parenting perspective,fatherhood perspective please
reach out.
Like I said, I do a little bitof everything.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
So whatever your question or need is, feel free
to shoot into me and I reallylove the work you're doing is
very necessary and supports fordads Just there couldn't be
(35:05):
enough and I don't think enoughdads look for them.
So hopefully we can get this toas many dads out there as is
necessary to do some.
It is necessary to do some.
I'll send some to my.
You know some of the great dadsI know that are out there
making wonderful you knowprograms and other podcasts and
things, and we'll just get theword out as much as possible.
(35:28):
It was such a nice conversationwith you today.
Thank you so much for beinghere and sharing your story and
the vulnerable parts and all andreally appreciate that.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
Absolutely, it was wonderful, thank you.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Yeah, thanks so much, and we'll definitely be in
touch.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Awesome.
In the heart of the city she'sshining bright.
Oh yeah, stories of love andcourage All throughout the night
, her voice resonating An anthemfor all Through trials and
trials.
She answers the call, thank you.
We are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
(36:27):
we are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
we are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
we are, we are.
(37:54):
Thank you.
The SJ Childs Show is Backford's 13th season.
Join Sarah Brafford and the SJChilds Show team as they explore
the world of autism and sharestories of hope and inspiration.
This season we're excited tobring you more autism summits
featuring experts and advocatesfrom around the world.
Speaker 2 (00:30):
Go to sjchildsorg.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
Hi and thanks for joining the SJ Child Show.
I'm really excited today to getinto this conversation with
John.
Is it just pronounced Fela?
Speaker 4 (00:46):
Actually Fela.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Fela, okay, what?
Speaker 4 (00:57):
heritage.
Is that from?
Believe it or not?
It's actually Polish.
Both my mom and dad were bothPolish on either side, and I
know that most people thoughtthat it might've been shortened
from something at some point,but we've actually.
You know, we were able to kindof trace the lineage a little
bit, and there are other folksactually with the exact same
name too, so, go figure.
I will say though and this isalso just something that I
(01:18):
normally say for the end butsince you brought up the last
name, much of my content, foranybody who looks me up, is
actually going to be under adifferent last name, which is
Fella Geller, and the reason forthat is because that was
actually my married name in myprevious marriage.
So I've since been divorced andremarried, but my ex-wife at
the time and I we took our twolast names, put them together,
(01:39):
had it legally changed, so Iused to be Fella Geller, but now
I'm going back to just Fela,dropping that.
It hasn't all gone through thecourts and everything yet, and a
lot of my old content is stillunder the previous name.
So I tell people you can findme either one way or another,
you'll see my stuff.
Speaker 3 (01:55):
Right, so that's not confusing.
Really happy to go from mymaiden name to my married name
because my maiden name isGullahur and it was just really
tricky for people.
So Bradford and then Childs isjust my author name, sj Childs.
(02:16):
It was a play on words for thechild genre because I was
writing children's books.
So, yeah, kind of fun.
Well, let's get into why you'rehere today, share a little bit
about yourself, introduceyourself, and then we'll get
into this conversation.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
Sure, absolutely.
Well, I like to jokingly referto myself as the Swiss Army
Knife of Disability Advocacy orDisability Ministry, so I'm all
special needs all the time.
So first of all, I identify asa parent of disability.
I have a 17-year-old son, chris, who's autistic and nonverbal.
He's currently living at aresidential facility out in
(02:56):
Wichita, kansas.
That's not a forever thing,that's just so he can basically
finish high school and thenhe'll come home.
But that's just where he's atnow.
And I will tell you that when Isay all disability all the time
, so that looks a variety ofdifferent ways.
My day job is actually workingfor an organization called
(03:16):
Johnny and Friends, which is aglobal Christian disability
ministry that supports peopleand families all over the world.
We're in over 30 countries, butI work out of our Chicago area
office and we handle severalstates in the Midwest, and so we
do a variety of outreach andthings with families.
My job actually specifically isto work with churches to train
them on disability awareness,provide resources, training for
(03:38):
staff and just help people to,you know, really support and
serve the disability populationin their congregation.
But then outside of that, I'man advocate in my own right and
that actually started for meseveral years ago, even before I
was doing this job.
But you know, I kind of felt acouple things.
One thing I felt was I realizedas a parent and also more
(03:59):
specifically as a dad, that Iwas not resourced.
I didn't, you know, have a lotof support.
There was just a lot missing interms of answers to questions
and things like that.
So, you know, in the way thatmost parents of disability go
out looking for answers, I alsofelt the need to give back and
in that way, not only was I ableto support and help and bless
(04:21):
other people, but I was alsoable to help get resourced
myself through thoserelationships and experiences.
So I started out in small ways,like starting a support group
for special needs dads in mycommunity, which I still run to
this day, but then gettinginvolved with other national
organizations and ministriesthat serve disabilities.
So I've been a writer and aspeaker for many organizations
for several years and do avariety of presentations you
(04:45):
know podcasts, you know justlike this, obviously and do a
variety of presentations youknow podcasts, you know just
like this, obviously.
And then I'm involved with youknow support for parents and
families, again specifically fordads.
I'm actually involved with acouple different organizations
that support special needs dadsand that looks.
You know a variety of differentways, but you know, really I
just come back to that supportpiece and you know I always like
to see myself as someone who,if someone comes to me with a
(05:06):
question or an issue or, youknow, whatever they want to talk
about, you know I'm alwayswilling to have that
conversation.
I may not have an answer foryou, but you know I certainly
can probably point you in theright direction and I think
that's what all of us as parentson this journey need to.
You know, just kind of keep usgoing and keep us going down the
road.
Speaker 3 (05:24):
Yeah, isn't that the truth?
We sound like we're on verysimilar journeys, very similar,
and I really just love all thatyou're doing.
And I think, when it comes,especially as a parent and as a
self-advocate I got my owndiagnosis three years ago and
really helped me to perceiveeverything a little differently
(05:48):
and the support piece within ourfamily was just like a
celebration it was.
It was beautiful, it wastangible, we could really kind
of understand each other in adifferent way than ever before,
but it really as a parent, Iunderstand where that passion
(06:10):
comes from, that passion andthat in seeking for resources,
oftentimes we find that soundslike in your case as well that
we really have kind of someknowledge from our experiences
that we can also share.
And it's so important and Ithink that you know, in this
(06:30):
podcast, for example, we're 300and something episodes into it
now and that is so much learningand so much teaching and so
much sharing of just invaluableinformation.
That is just, you know, helpingpeople on so many different
parts of their journey.
(06:51):
We're all in a different part ofour journey and I think it's
just wonderful what you're doingand you know it's great when we
when I find the the dad greatwhen we, when I find the, the
dad component, and I have somegreat I'm sure that you probably
(07:11):
already connected to them.
You know, dads, that I'd loveto connect you with that do
great organizations and thingslike that.
So tell us a little bit aboutum, where it like that start
starting point for you, if youdon't mind going back to that
and and what that looked likeand how maybe you pivoted from
(07:33):
an old life that you were intowhat you were going to be doing
yeah, I, I love telling thatstory and, and for me it
actually goes back about 15years.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
So my son originally got his diagnosis when he was
about three, which is typicalfor these kinds of things.
And I would tell you at thattime, like most parents, you
know, I was lost, confused.
You know we were trying tofigure out exactly.
You know to what degree this isbecause, you know, when your
kids are young and you have adiagnosis, on the one hand
there's a lot of hope becauseyou feel there's all this time
(08:06):
in the world and maybe he'lljust grow out of it or maybe
something will just change Right.
And and of course, then whenthings don't start to change,
then you have to kind of dig ina little more.
But what I noticed and againthis is very specific, I think,
to to my journey as a, as ahusband and as a father was in
our marriage and in our family,and I think this is a pretty
(08:27):
typical dynamic as well for most.
You know, my son's mom, myex-wife, was excellent with
handling all of the nuts andbolts, all of the ins and outs,
managing the doctors, thetherapies, the insurance, and
she was a very type, apersonality and what was a
teacher?
So we had a teacher brain.
I'm actually a former teacheras well, so I can appreciate
(08:48):
that, you know.
But she handled all that andyou know her mom, you know my
mother-in-law also was veryinvolved and brought a lot to
the table and I had to kind offigure out okay, so what do I do
here?
Because more often than not,with a lot of, with a lot of
families, the, the dad, you know, men are fixers, right, and so
if we can't fix the issue, whatam I going to do?
(09:09):
Well, let me throw myself intomy work, let me throw myself
into my career, let me pay forall these things.
I might not understand all ofit, I might not be the one
actually taking the, you knowour kid to this or that, but I
can write a check.
Well, in my case, I couldn't dothat either, because I was not
the breadwinner.
My wife, my ex-wife, alwaysmade more money than me.
(09:30):
So if I couldn't write thecheck and if I wasn't handling
all of these things that she was, then what was my role, what
was my purpose, what did I do,what did I contribute and what
unfortunately transpired?
And we went through a season oflife again years ago where all
of a sudden, things just stoppedworking right.
Our relationship, our marriage,started to crumble a lot,
(09:52):
because there's this guilt andshame that develops in terms of
who's doing more or I'mcontributing more to this and
you're not contributing enough,and really I was just on an
island and we didn't really havea lot of support.
We were going through so muchagain in terms of, you know,
finding, you know, the rightschool placement for him,
(10:15):
figuring out the right insuranceyou know, I had a job loss of
that really contributed tothings, and again there was
nowhere to pull from, there wasno support, there was no
structure.
I tell a story in mypresentations.
I call it a tale of two parkinglots where I describe a scene
where I was sitting in my carone day, because the church we
attended at the time there was amen's group I used to go to and
(10:36):
I sat in my car, you know, andthis was during the summer of
2012,.
Actually, I sat in the car.
I called a couple of my oldestfriends trying to see if they
could support me somehow.
They had no clue what to do forme because the experience was
so foreign to them, even thoughthey were both married although
they had no kids yet.
And then I go into this men'sgroup meeting and even all of
(10:57):
those men who were minimum 20years older than me, they still
had nothing for me.
And so I realized that veryquickly I had no community.
So what I did then was I did acouple of things is that I
intentionally sought outcommunity.
I sought out community in thoseplaces where it was easiest
enough to plug in, and for us,really, that came down to moving
(11:21):
to a new town, getting my sonin a new school district,
connecting with those parentsand families, connecting with
folks in our community andthat's actually where my first
dance meetup group came out ofwas just those guys in the
community.
And then, you know, guys maybethat were maybe a town or two
over and, as you know, as ourjourney, you know, progressed
(11:46):
and developed, then it reallybecame something where I saw
what I didn't have, when Istruggled and, you know, going
through a season of life where Iliterally almost lost my
marriage Now I did wind upgetting divorced, but at least
at the time I didn't lose it.
But having almost gone throughthat, not sure about what the
future was going to hold, evento the point of being suicidal,
you know, which I'm also verytransparent about as well.
(12:08):
You know, going from that toreally intentionally finding
those resources, but then alsotrying to intentionally build
them again with the supportgroups, with connecting with
other organizations locally andaround the country and giving
back in a variety of ways, butdeveloping relationships.
Then that not only supported mewhen I needed them to, but also
(12:28):
then I could take those thingsand then share it with others,
and so it created a really nicesynergy in my life.
And, and of course, you know,what I didn't know was, you know
, even a few years after this, Iwould really wind up needing
those resources as a, you know,divorced dad and as a single
father, at least for a shorttime, you know.
So that's where I really saythat there isn't anyone, that I
(12:51):
wouldn't help, because I knowwhat it is to be alone and have
nothing and that is no way tolive.
And especially when you arewalking this path of disability,
it is not the ideal or optimalway to be doing this and you
really need at least onerelationship.
That's the other thing I tellpeople.
You might not have a wholecommunity, you might not have a
(13:12):
tribe.
Start with one, start with oneperson.
That can sometimes make all thedifference.
Speaker 3 (13:18):
Isn't that the truth and it's really?
I can definitely remember thoseearly days where we were along
the same lines.
He was 18 months, it was severe, if you will at the time, and
it, you know, self harming, andit was just so much, it was so
(13:42):
much fear that really ran kindof our days.
And I was so lucky because myhusband had a sister with Down
syndrome, so he had already kindof had his foot in that life of
special needs and understandinghow to kind of provide a safe
(14:05):
space for someone, and so thatwas, you know, wonderful and he
really guided us through a lotof time.
And then on my end I was amedical paralegal, so I fell
heavily into the research partof it and you just really want
(14:25):
to understand you know what, why, where, where, all of the
things.
And you know, in that I meanalso kind of started to
recognize we are alone in this,just like you kind of said and,
(14:46):
and you know, we couldn't leanon our parents at that time and
we really felt like an islandand kind of in that also, I
agree, is where I recognize thatlike I have to make friends,
like there's got to be a way,and just like you, went to the
(15:09):
school, you know, was at thepreschool and just started
talking to all the parents andputting myself out there to
these other parents, and theprincipal recognized and asked
me if I would be the specialneeds parent liaison between
them and the parents to be ableto communicate back and forth.
(15:30):
And, oh man, I was so excited,you know, this opportunity to be
able to do this.
But we only made it until firstgrade, um, and then, because
and you know, he's so muchdifferent, he's twice
exceptional and also semi-verbal, so he was reading at one and
(15:53):
writing at two, but stillnon-speaking, until about four,
four and a half, and today it'snot reciprocative conversation,
it's very much still echoeliaand other language pieces.
You know, we call it puzzle,puzzle talk and the puzzle
(16:14):
buster, um, and so, in that,it's just that you know, like I
started seeing, okay, well, how,where's the need, where's the
lack, where where do we fill allof these gaps?
And whoa, it's overwhelming andI can't believe.
(16:35):
I look back and that's a decadeago, as probably yourself, you
know, and they're teenagers, andhe's grown so much.
He's, you know, thrived in somany ways, but he still will
probably live here, for all youknow, with us for the rest of
(16:57):
his life and it's a hard part toprepare for and you have to
prepare, and that's anothertricky part because you're
getting to that guardianshipkind of age as well, for you're
probably doing a lot of learningon that end.
What do you think as far as thatreally important part for
(17:23):
especially maybe churches,because you're working in that
ministry field what is one keylike main component that you
want them to have for theautistic community?
Speaker 4 (17:39):
Absolutely, and you know what you actually just
spoke to it.
Because community, absolutely.
And you know what you actuallyjust spoke to it.
Because whenever I go to achurch and this is where you
know if I do any kind of anawareness talk or a training, or
or even in my regularpresentations if it's, let's say
, like a conference, you know Ialways start with a picture of
my family and of course now it'smy new family, it's my new wife
and step-mom.
But you know, I often describemy son, I say, and now, granted,
(18:03):
he's living in another state,at least for right now.
But you know, in general, whenhe lived here and as he grew up,
I say, you know, let me tellyou about him.
He was so busy with all of thisstuff, you know, I mean, and
yeah, he did therapy, but he didthe fun therapy, he did the
special needs karate, he did theequine therapy, he did the swim
therapy, he was involved in allthese things.
(18:25):
And then, once in a while itmight be something weird or
different.
You try ice skating orsomething, and who knows right,
and I say but let me tell youone other important thing about
him he doesn't have any friends,people who are not from this
(18:56):
world might scratch their headslike, yeah, but wait, you just
said he was involved in all thisstuff and I say yes, but it's
kind of this default where youkind of have your school friends
, the ones who are just in yourprogram, and, quite honestly,
for him, or you want to go shoothoops or play video games.
He doesn't have that.
He doesn't have the language,he doesn't have the social
skills.
Why is that an issue?
Because he's 17 now.
One day he'll be 30, 40, 50.
Oh, by the way, he's an onlychild.
Oh, by the way, so are both ofhis parents.
(19:17):
So he doesn't.
And now, granted, I'm remarried, and if mom remarries, you know
, okay, you might have someextended family in there or
whatever.
But you know he's also it'salso not his original birth
family, so to speak.
You know it's extended familyand stepbrothers and you know
all this kind of stuff.
So you know, the reality is thatat some point in his life,
(19:39):
however old he gets and that'sthe thing that I also mentioned
to churches or anybody thedisability population is growing
in number and it's also growingolder.
Now it's growing older becausewe have advances in medical
science and that's all great,but the reality is that my son
might live to be 70, 80, easy,maybe more, at some point.
(20:00):
Mom and dad aren't going to bearound anymore and neither will
most of the people that he knowsright now in his life.
Who's going to be his community?
We're going to be the people tocheck in on.
We're going to be the people tosay happy birthday, Merry
Christmas, I love you.
Who will those people be?
This is where the church has, asI also like to say, an
opportunity and an obligation,right?
(20:20):
Because in the same way that agood church community might
connect with somebody in hospiceor you know someone in elder
care or memory care, like my ownmother, quite honestly you know
, in that same way you also wantto be connecting with those
individuals who might have agroup home situation of some
form, and maybe they're not, youknow in, you know in like
(20:43):
medically incapacitated or, youknow, not near the end of their
life necessarily, but they mightjust be older and not have
anybody left.
So there you have anopportunity to take.
You know and again, this isalso something when I work with
churches, because a lot ofchurches today have some form of
a disability ministry, theyhave some form of a program,
some form of an environment, butthe problem is, is that they
(21:05):
really see it as either like anextension of a kids ministry or
kind of a band-aid thing.
We have some families who havesomething, and so we're just
going to try to make it best forthem.
The reality is, is that you wantthat to grow to the point where
those folks are welcomed andaccepted like anybody else,
right?
Because oh, by the way, they'vegot interests and they've got
(21:25):
skills and talents, and you knowthe churches that do this
really well.
Folks who identify with adisability are also contributing
, right.
They're also serving, they'realso volunteering, right, it
might look different fordifferent folks, but they still,
if they have the ability to dosomething, then that's what they
acknowledge and that's whatthey lean into.
And also, in that same way, weneed to go beyond the church
(21:48):
walls and say, ok, how are wesupporting that community again
when they may not have anybodyleft?
And that, quite honestly, as aparent, parent is what grieves
me the most.
I mean, there's there's lots ofthings to grieve, and there
certainly have been, but that isthe thing that absolutely
scares the living you know,whatever you want to say, and
(22:09):
and it's it's a thing that maybekeeps me up at night the most,
and so that's why I really havea passion with this, and
especially when I I talk tothese church communities and
things, you know, this is what Ireally, you know, want to
impress upon them.
Is this, this, for a lot offamilies, this is a very, very
serious issue and and you canhelp us we're not saying you
(22:29):
need to fix it, we're not sayingyou need to do all the work,
but you can be an integral pieceof the puzzle that, you know,
gives a family, you know, kindof this, this identity of peace
and safety, you know, as theymove forward in life.
Speaker 3 (22:44):
Absolutely what.
How would somebody start any ofmy listeners now if they wanted
to start, you know, thisconversation with their church
or you know it.
Should they reach out to you toget advice?
How do they reach out to theirown church leaders, um, on their
(23:04):
own, or um, do they reach outto other parents to kind of come
with them as like a little youknow tribe, or what is?
What kind of advice do you givethem?
Speaker 4 (23:15):
You know it's, it's different for every church.
And this is the other thing,too, that I mention to people,
because sometimes people see youknow my organization and my
work as like a salesperson, likeI have a kid or a program I'm
going to sell you.
I don't sell you anything.
Matter of fact, we work witheverybody for free.
We're straight ministry, right.
So I mean you know what I tellchurches is listen, don't get
(23:40):
hung up on money.
It's a matter of what worksbest for you, because every
church is different in terms oftheir size, their resources,
their physical space.
So it's going to lookdifferently for everybody.
But where I like to start out isactually with the leadership,
right.
So if there are, you know,church leaders listening to this
, or if you're a parent ofdisability and nothing's going
on in your church, you reallywant to start with the
(24:01):
leadership, if at all possible.
And the reason why is because,again, going back to this idea
that we're not going, at the endof the day, we're really not
going for inclusion.
Inclusion's fine, but whatwe're really going for is
acceptance, right.
Because the problem is is thatmany churches make a classroom
or make an environment orsomething, and then they stop
(24:21):
and it stops growing and a lotof people don't even know it's
even there, because it's justthat weird classroom that's down
the hall and down the steps andwe don't know what goes on
there, right?
So the idea here is start withthe leadership so they can
embrace it and make it part ofthe DNA of the church, make it
an integral part of thecommunity.
That has to come from theleadership on down.
(24:43):
So, for example, what I do, myorganization has offices all
over the country and we cansupport people with in-person
training.
We have tons of onlineresources.
We can work with you virtually.
So there are a number of waysyou could do it, and all you
would have to do is go tojohnnyandfriendsorg punch in
your zip code.
You'll find a local office andif you're in the Midwest, it's
(25:05):
probably me, maybe not, butprobably you know.
But we can work with you in avariety of ways.
The other thing that I willalso mention is because, again,
sometimes I talk to churches andthey might have a particular
need.
So they might say for exampleit's actually J-O-N-I.
Sorry, it's out?
Speaker 3 (25:22):
Yeah, I should have asked you.
Speaker 4 (25:25):
It's okay, it's okay.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (25:26):
Yeah, it confuses people, because when they see
J-O-N-I, they think Joni, andit's actually Joni, believe it
or not.
But you know that's a greatplace to start.
But also, too, you know I'm, asI mentioned, in terms of my
other work with otherorganizations around the country
.
There are a ton of ministriesand organizations that do what
we do, not necessarily in termsof you know, our size or scope,
(25:50):
but a lot of them equally havegreat resources, some resources
we actually don't have, right.
So what I like to emphasize,too, is listen, if I don't have
it, I can get it for you or Ican point you in the right
direction, right?
So if it's something specificyou're looking for or you know
this is what we're thinking inour head great, let's see how we
can make that happen.
But the other thing I want toemphasize too and going back to
that point about you know, moneyand resources, because that's
(26:13):
usually the first thing peoplego to, just as a natural
response how much is this goingto cost?
Well, here's the thing I don'tcost anything.
But what do you want to spendon the ministry?
Do you need to spend $10,000?
You can, but you don't have to.
Do you need to spend $1,000?
You can, but you don't have to.
You could literally start withnothing.
(26:34):
And again, I emphasize this tochurches there are folks I know
that have incredible programs.
They don't have a classroom,they don't have a sensory room,
they don't have, you know, a lotof things other bigger churches
do, but they have a greatprogram.
They've got great volunteerbuddies.
You know they have a greatstructure in place.
So there are a whole variety ofways to do it.
But don't let any hang up, getto you and say, well, we just
(26:56):
can't do that.
Or the other thing that reallygets to me is when a church will
say you know we don't do that,but go talk to the folks down
the street.
You know it's kind of like forthose of you who remember the
old Christmas movie, Miracle on34th Street, macy's doesn't have
it.
Go to Gimbel's.
Well, here's the problem thatfamily might really want to go
(27:21):
to that church.
Maybe that family grew up inthat church, maybe that family
really likes that church forsome reason they have other
friends or family there.
It's closer.
Or in general, you know thechurch should just be a
welcoming, inviting place period, and disability should not
stand in the way of that.
So you know, it's great ifyou're helping them or you
believe you're helping them, butwhy don't you make your doors
(27:42):
open and be honest?
And that's the other thing Isay too.
Look, I'm a parent, I get it.
Look, just be honest, here'swhat we have.
We have this, we don't havethat, or maybe we have nothing,
but you're welcome.
You're welcome to be here andif we can make it work, great.
And you know, if you want tobring in some resources to help
us, awesome.
But just be honest, right, asopposed to saying it's just not
(28:05):
something we do.
Well, here's the thing.
Going back again to my otherpoint about the disability
population growing in number andgetting older, you know
churches can't ignore this partof their community.
And again, that's another thingI hear we don't have those
folks here.
Yeah, you do.
You might not realize it.
Or maybe there are folks in thecommunity that won't come or
(28:26):
won't attend because they don'tfeel welcomed or they don't feel
that it's as successful as itcould be.
Speaker 3 (28:32):
Absolutely.
I really hope a lot oflisteners in my city are.
You know, listening andunderstanding, because I live in
Utah.
I'll let you just go with that,letting everyone belong where
they desire to.
If you know, like you said,with the resources you have
(29:01):
available in your churches andin your support groups, for sure
, what about for the dads outthere?
Is there an online group thatyou have that we can send them
to to get ahold of you?
Things like that?
Tell us a little bit about that.
Speaker 4 (29:21):
Sure, well, they, they can always reach out to me.
You can find me on social mediaor through my website or
whatever it's.
It's easy to find me.
But an organization that Iactually want to recommend that
I always recommend when I dothese kinds of interviews is
Special Fathers Network.
So Special Fathers Network youcan find it online if you just
Google Special Fathers Network,and it's a national organization
(29:44):
.
It's based here out of Chicago,but it has incredible reach and
they have incredible resources.
So what do they have?
First of all, we talked aboutsupport groups.
They have virtual supportgroups called mastermind groups.
The model comes out of like thecorporate world, but don't let
that scary or anything, but it's, you know, they're wonderful.
Just meetup groups with guysfrom around the country.
(30:06):
Sometimes, you know, it's a mixof guys from around the country
.
Sometimes it's specific to agiven area, just kind of based
on what works for you.
Some groups meet different daysor nights and that type of
thing.
Based on what works for you.
Some groups meet different daysor nights and that type of
thing.
But I have made some wonderfulrelationships and friendships.
I'm not currently doing thosemeetup groups right now, but I
have in the past and they areincredible and it's an
(30:27):
incredible organization.
There are a ton of greatresources on there.
So, talking about podcasts, forexample, I would tell you that
disability-wise that podcast notto insult yours, of course when
you look at that.
When you look at that podcastlist, it is very, very
impressive.
Pretty much anyone that hasdone anything disability wise is
(30:48):
on there to to some level.
And what's also cool about it,too, is as, as part of the
virtual groups, the the meetupgroups.
Okay, so I'll just tell youthis story quick.
So part of that is that we dolike a book club, like a book
study, and it's usually a bookon disability or, you know, once
in a while it might just belike a guy's book or a dad's
(31:09):
book, but David, who runs theorganization, he always gets the
author of the book that we'rereading to come on and do a
little Q&A, and that'sregardless of the book we're
reading, mind you.
So one time this was a coupleyears ago we read I'm sure
you're familiar with TempleGrandin and we read her book
Thinking in Pictures, and Templecame on.
(31:30):
And Temple came on, did a Q&Awith us, and what's actually
funny is that for that Q&A shewas on but another guy who was
actually connected to ourorganization, and we got movie
or TV buffs here, but there's aguy named Joe Montagna.
Joe Montagna is a Hollywoodactor originally from Chicago,
but he's also a father ofdisability.
(31:51):
So because he's part of theorganization, technically, he
was on the call too.
So you had a Hollywood guy, youhad Temple Grandin, you had
these guys from all over thecountry.
It's like, hey, this is a partyright.
So it's that kind of connection, those kind of resources.
And there's great YouTubevideos.
There's jump into a big group.
At least not right away, youcan get connected with one
(32:12):
mentor guy.
He might be in your area ormaybe somebody virtually, you
know, maybe same age ordisability as your child, but
you can get connected with amentor father that can then kind
(32:32):
of be like your life coach inthis area, so to speak.
So there's a ton of greatresources with it.
I absolutely love it.
So I would really encourage youto check them out.
There are a couple of othersmaller organizations and
ministries that also do stuff.
There's one called FatherhoodCommission, so it's like
(32:52):
commission with a C-O andcapital M Fatherhood Commission.
They're a national organizationas well.
They're a national organizationas well.
They're a Christianorganization.
So not all of them arefaith-based, for those that
makes a difference, but they arealso a great organization that
also does virtual meetups.
And then there is anotherChristian one called Rising
Above Ministries and they're outof Kentucky and they actually
(33:15):
do really good parent supportgroups for moms and dads.
So I would strongly suggest,like any of those are ones that
I absolutely have vetted andwould speak to, you know for
sure, but definitely explorethat.
And again, if you're a guy outthere and this is all really
fresh and new for you and youhave nobody definitely consider,
you know, maybe connecting withSpecial Fathers.
(33:36):
You know, on some level, ifit's a group thing or an
individual thing, but again, I'malways happy to connect with
anybody.
You know I, I I'm reallyserious about that.
Anybody can find me online,connect with me through social
media or, like I said, website,that type of thing, and, and I'm
I'm always happy to have aconversation with you and see if
maybe there's, you know,someone or something that I can
(33:56):
connect you with.
Speaker 3 (33:57):
I love that.
I'm the same spirit.
I want to just connect peoplewith all the right things and
resources and families, and giveme your website so I can share
that with everyone.
Speaker 4 (34:10):
Yeah, it's just my name.
It's just johnfellacom, soJ-O-H-N-F-E-L-A dot com and
you'll see samples of my writing, speaking, podcasts et cetera
on there.
So you kind of get a flavor forwho I am and what I'm involved
with.
Again, if you're interested insome of the resources I
(34:31):
mentioned, either for supportingyour church in terms of
disability ministry, or ifyou're looking for someone you
know, even as a speaker, orsomeone to consult from a
parenting perspective,fatherhood perspective please
reach out.
Like I said, I do a little bitof everything.
Speaker 3 (34:45):
So whatever your question or need is, feel free
to shoot into me and I reallylove the work you're doing is
very necessary and supports fordads Just there couldn't be
(35:05):
enough and I don't think enoughdads look for them.
So hopefully we can get this toas many dads out there as is
necessary to do some.
It is necessary to do some.
I'll send some to my.
You know some of the great dadsI know that are out there
making wonderful you knowprograms and other podcasts and
things, and we'll just get theword out as much as possible.
(35:28):
It was such a nice conversationwith you today.
Thank you so much for beinghere and sharing your story and
the vulnerable parts and all andreally appreciate that.
Speaker 4 (35:41):
Absolutely, it was wonderful, thank you.
Speaker 3 (35:44):
Yeah, thanks so much, and we'll definitely be in
touch.
Speaker 2 (36:04):
Awesome.
In the heart of the city she'sshining bright.
Oh yeah, stories of love andcourage All throughout the night
, her voice resonating An anthemfor all Through trials and
trials.
She answers the call, thank you.
We are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
(36:27):
we are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
we are, we are, we are, we are,we are, we are, we are, we are,
we are, we are.
(37:54):
Thank you.
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