February 28, 2025 • 41 mins
In this episode of 'The Sober Butterfly' podcast, Nadine shares the 10 Things Every Sober Girl Needs for Dating & Relationships, whether single, taken, or just flirting.
The 10 Things Every Sober Girl Needs for Dating & Relationships:
- a functional brain 🧠
- a voice that works (and speaks up) 🗣️
- an inner voice/intuition ✨
- a bailout plan 🏃🏾♀️➡️
- a dating profile exuding main character energy 💃🏾
- a sexy non-alcoholic drink order 🍸
- a supportive group chat 💬
- confidence 😎
- a boundaries blueprint 🚫
- hobbies that make life fulfilling 🤸🏾♀️
Connect with Nadine and TSB 🦋
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_5_02 (00:02):
Hello.
Hello, sober butterflies andwelcome back to another episode
of The Sober Butterfly, yourgo-to for Thriving in Life
Without Booze.
I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina,and today we're wrapping up our
February Love series withsomething special because, sober
dating.
It's a different kind of beast.
(00:23):
Gone are the days of blackoutmake outs.
And who is this morning text ifyou know?
You know, we are dating withclarity, confidence in a fully
functioning frontal lobe.
So today I'm giving you 10things every sober girl needs
for dating and relationships,whether you're single, taken, or
(00:45):
just flirting for the plot.
Let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_6_02- (00:50):
Okay, so in no particular order, I'm
going to share my 10 essentialsfor sober dating navigating
relationships, dating love, sex,all that.
Truly, I think every girl needsthese things, whether you're
sober, sober, curious.
Or not even interested ingetting sober.
These are just things I thinkthat you should apply in your
(01:10):
dating game plan.
So without further ado, I'mgoing to share my 10 essentials.
As mentioned, this is in noparticular order, and I will
give a full breakdown of each ofthese essentials later on in the
episode.
So here we go.
Drum roll please.
the-sober-butterfly_7_02- (01:29):
Okay.
Coming in hot with number one, Abrain that works.
No more blackout decisionmaking.
Number two, a voice that works.
If you're not saying what youneed, you're settling number
three.
Inner voice, AKA intuition.
Number four, a bailout planbecause we don't do bad dates
(01:51):
outta politeness.
Number five.
A hinge profile or datingprofile of your choice that
screams main character energy,not sad girl or desperate girl.
Energy over here.
Number six, a sexy non-alcoholicdrink order.
Ordering water is givingundercover coffee, babe.
(02:14):
Number seven, a group chat todebrief because you cannot keep
these stories to yourself.
Number eight.
True confidence, the kind thatdoes not require a shot of
tequila.
Number nine, a boundariesblueprint, knowing what's a hell
Yes, versus a boy bye number 10Hobbies, or as I like to call
(02:37):
them, a life.
So that is my comprehensive listof the 10 essentials for sober
dating and relationships thatevery girl needs.
Now let me do you a solid andbreak down what each of these
essentials actually mean andentail.
the-sober-butterfly_8_02-26 (02:54):
All right, so let's start with the
basics.
Number one, to kickstart thislist is a brain that works.
I really wanna emphasize thatworks part.
We all have brainsrevolutionary, I know, but not
all of us are utilizing ourbrains to their full capacity.
And what I mean by that isoftentimes if you are drinking
on a date or if you're drinkingyour way through a relationship,
(03:16):
because I am, I'm guilty ofthat.
I've definitely been inrelationships with people.
Mostly hazy, like mostly underthe influence of a substance
because I wanted to forge aconnection or I wanted to numb
my way through the sheer boredomor lack of connection I felt
(03:36):
with that person.
if you can relate, let me know,but we're not doing that
anymore.
the-sober-butterfly_9_02-26 (03:41):
You are not just going through the
motions.
the-sober-butterfly_10_02-2 (03:43):
And listen guys, I am such a lover
girl, certified lover girl overhere, our heart is so connected
to our emotions as well as thebrain at times, but for the most
part, I think our heart guides alot of how we feel.
the-sober-butterfly_9_02-26 (03:57):
But we cannot just rely solely on
our emotions.
We have to use our brain andusing your brain.
Especially when you are juststarting to get to know someone,
whether this is a first date.
Or you're exploring the idea ofentering a relationship with a
partner.
You need to go beyond justemotions to assess your
potential partner or yourpotential date thoughtfully, and
(04:20):
consider things outside of justlike a level of attractiveness,
right?
Or a level of closeness that youfeel because you're drinking
with that person.
I cannot tell you how many timesI've been on.
What I would consider probablybad dates, but at the time I was
more interested in getting toknow that person because I was
drinking and I, I recently saw afunny meme on Instagram where it
(04:41):
was like, yeah, do I actuallylike this person or do I just
like talking about myself anddrinking alcohol?
And I thought, yeah, that isspot on.
That was me.
I was relying heavily on alcoholto connect with people, and I
like to talk about myself and Ilike to get to know people, but
did I actually like the person Iwas dating or sitting across
(05:03):
from me at the table?
the-sober-butterfly_10_02-2 (05:04):
Not drinking is helping us
critically think.
Analyzing a person's behavior,their actions and their words to
understand their true intentionsand whether or not that aligns
with your needs.
Compatibility, right?
I think using your brain alsoentails active listening.
Paying attention to what yourdate is saying and asking follow
(05:26):
up questions or clarifyingquestions to gain a deeper
understanding of theirperspective.
It's helping you with your ownself-awareness and recognizing
what you want, what you need,your values, your deal breakers,
You can save yourself so muchtime by not drinking, and once
again, like this podcastepisode, by the way, is for
everyone.
This is not just for sobergirls, even though.
(05:49):
The title is The 10 Essentialsthat Every Sober Girl Needs
however, I would argue that evenif you are not sober or sober
curious or looking to get sober,you should go on dates,
especially early in the datingprocess, sober like no alcohol
whatsoever, because you're gonnapick up on so many more cues
(06:09):
that otherwise you may not havebecause you have clarity.
You have.
A brain that works, that'sunobstructed by substances and
that my friend is going to saveyou potentially so much time, it
will save you heartbreakpotentially, because you will be
more aware of yourself, how youfeel with that person, and also
(06:31):
what the other person is doingand saying and everything I
mentioned before, their valuestheir personality, their
interests, their life goals.
It goes beyond just the surfacelevel, and it reduces the risk
of settling, you know, byactively assessing your
potential partner.
When using your brain fully, youcan avoid.
(06:51):
Getting involved with someonewho just is not a good fit in
the long run.
so that's my number oneessential, a brain that fully
works and to tie that neatlywith a bow, brain that fully
works.
Means no alcohol on first datesor early in the dating process,
and even when you enter arelationship with someone, be
(07:13):
mindful of how much you aredrinking with them.
Because as mentioned, that mightcreate a false sense of
closeness or connectedness, andwe want clarity to actually
figure out if we like the personor love them.
So number one, a brain thatworks.
the-sober-butterfly_11_02 (07:30):
Okay.
My number two essential is avoice that works and.
A little caveat here and isn'tafraid to speak up.
We're not here to be, you know,the cool chill girl or whatever.
You have to say what you mean.
And by the way, using yourvoice.
Not being afraid to speak up.
(07:50):
I mean, like Kevin Hart said,like say it with your chest.
Okay, say it with your chest.
Speak up.
And I think so often as women,we are taught to be demure or to
be polite.
Be a people pleaser, makeeveryone happy.
Be small.
No, we are not playing small.
We are using our voice toactively express our thoughts.
(08:13):
We have opinions.
We have feelings.
And we're honest.
We're not campaigning with ourpartner or our date.
And by campaigning, I mean likewe're not trying to be a pick me
I used to spend so much time.
Before getting sober in mydating life, trying to get the
other partner to see value inme, to pick me or choose me,
(08:34):
whether or not I like them was adifferent story, but like that
was just my default mode.
And by nature, I think that Ican be a bit of a people
pleaser.
Combined with the fact that myfamily's British and the Brits
are known to be very polite.
So I would often, you know, bitemy tongue or not speak up in
regards to things that felt off.
And now I don't do that.
(08:55):
And it doesn't have to be, bythe way, using your voice and
speaking up doesn't need to bethis like confrontational,
aggressive, abrasive, whateveradjective you wanna fill in the
blank there with like, it canvery much be you speaking up in
a way that is.
Confident expressing genuineinterest, maybe clarifying
(09:16):
something that youmisunderstood, like, oh, what
did you mean by that?
That is my favorite thing to asksomeone.
If someone says something likereally odd to me, or jarring or
confusing, I ask them, I'm like,oh, what did you mean by that?
Instead of me immediatelygetting defensive and following
up with like a brash comment orrebuttal, I'll repeat what they
(09:36):
say to me, and I'll ask like,oh, what do you mean?
an example of that can be, ifsomeone makes a comment around
like, why you don't drink,that's off color.
Like, oh.
Were you an alcoholic orsomething?
That's a question that's beenasked to me before on a date.
Like, oh, you, you don't drink?
Were you an alcoholic orsomething?
(09:56):
Literally, pause, wait time.
It's awkward, but that's okay.
I just demonstrated for you.
Pause and you repeat thequestion back to them.
Oh, am I an alcoholic?
Well, what do you mean by that?
And nine times out of 10, theperson hears the question back
(10:18):
and they realize maybe that itwas an inappropriate question.
Or most likely what they'll dois reframe the question.
That's usually a bit more subtleor a little bit more palatable,
I'll say.
Using a voice doesn'tnecessarily mean like you have
to take on this alter persona.
If you're more of a quiet ormeek person, I'm not suggesting
(10:39):
that you become this SashaFierce version of yourself, and
for those who don't get thatreference Beyonce, her stage
name or stage persona is SashaFierce.
Like you don't need to turn intothis like completely different
alter ego, but you should beable to speak up when necessary
and communicate what you'relooking for.
(10:59):
Going back to essential numberone, a brain that fully works.
You're not drinking on thisdate, babe.
So no matter what, you need tocommunicate that I am choosing
to not drink.
Hey, I don't drink, or, Hey, I'mlooking to scale back my
drinking.
Confidence in your voice.
Means speaking with convictionand showing that you are
(11:21):
self-assured if you go into adate like this, like, hey, like,
yeah, I don't drink.
Um, yeah, I'm just like notdrinking.
Like that's not convincing,that's not confidence.
So you need to really speak up.
Okay.
We are not Ariel from The LittleMermaid.
Okay?
We all have a voice.
We need to use it.
We need to speak up.
We have to communicate what weare looking for, what we want,
what we don't want, who we are.
(11:43):
We're not pretending to besomeone that we.
Just because we're here dating,no.
our brains are fully working, soour voice needs to reflect our
inner thoughts in a way that isappropriate.
Of course.
the-sober-butterfly_12_0 (11:54):
Number three, an inner voice we all
have an inner voice.
I am referring to our intuitionand the beauty of sober dating
is that you can actually trustyourself to make good choices.
I know that's not always beenthe case, girl, I, I know I've
been there with you.
But now that you have a brainthat fully works and you have a
(12:15):
voice that can clearlycommunicate your wants and needs
and desires, you also need totrust.
That inner voice and listen toyour intuition.
And the way in which you can tapinto your inner voice is to pay
attention to your feelings, yourgut feelings, and even your body
or bodily sensations when you'reinteracting with someone that
(12:37):
you're dating, because these aresubtle cues that can help guide
your decision making aroundwhether or not to pursue a
relationship further with thisperson.
And your body often can pick upon some of those red flags,
before your conscious mindcatches up.
So here's how you can use yourinner voice slash intuition in
dating.
(12:58):
So number one is you need to payattention to your physical
reactions, notice how you feelin someone's presence.
On a date or in the company ofthe person that you are
romantically linked with, how doyou feel?
Do you feel relaxed?
Do you feel energized?
Do you feel anxious?
If you experience butterflieswith that person, like you see
(13:18):
them and you get that feeling inthe pit of your stomach ask
yourself like, are thesebutterflies good or bad?
Does this person make me feeluneasy?
And that's why I'm getting theselike butterflies in my stomach.
These are giving you so manyclues as to whether or not you
are comfortable or content inthis person's company.
So you need to listen to yourgut You need to trust your gut
(13:42):
because your gut often detectswhen something isn't right, even
if you can't articulate it, evenif you don't know why.
I think we often dismiss thoseintuitive feelings that we get,
because they can't always beexplained.
Right.
I was taught somewhere along theway that trusting my feelings
(14:05):
and intuition wasn't valuable,that potentially my emotions
were too much and not worthlistening to for example, if I
have a bad feeling aboutsomeone, maybe I'm just being
dramatic or too critical orjudgmental, but I'm here to tell
you guys that you're not crazy.
And I see a lot of peopleblaming themselves Like on
(14:29):
anxiety or maybe even usingattachment style theory as an
excuse to tolerate bad behaviorfrom partners.
So I just wanna remind all of usthat if it isn't a good match,
your gut knows, your intuitionknows.
And as long as your needs arenot unreasonable, like I need my
partner to text me constantlyevery day, all day or like I
(14:50):
need them to reassure me everytime I feel anxious or you know,
I need to spend every wakingmoment with them.
So long as it's not anythingextreme like that you need to,
trust yourself.
Okay.
If you're regularly havingthoughts like, I really wish my
partner wouldn't ghost me, or Iwish my partner wanted to see me
more than X amount of times, orI wish my partner was there for
(15:12):
me emotionally and treated mewith respect or, you know,
anything along those lines.
Like, do not ignore thosethoughts.
They are trying to tell yousomething and you need to tap
in.
And that's when going back toessential number one, that
working brain.
It's gonna kick in, that logicwill start to kick in.
That voice that works will startto kick in, and you'll start
speaking up.
(15:32):
So once again, everything isconnected, but I would argue
that so many things actuallystart intuitively like we
somehow know.
Before even consciously knowing,and we cannot ignore that.
It is not woo woo.
It is a true science.
And because hopefully you're notusing substances at this time as
(15:54):
you date, you can trust yourintuition, you can trust
yourself.
And it's similar for me when Iwas getting sober intuitively.
My gut, I knew I had to quitdrinking.
I knew something had to give.
I wasn't ready.
It took me some time to actuallymake the change and act, but I
(16:15):
would argue way before I wasactually ready to act, I knew
intuitively that something waswrong, something was amiss.
So upon applying that to allareas of life, and especially
when it comes to dating, trustyour gut.
And listen to that inner voice.
the-sober-butterfly_13_0 (16:30):
Number four is a bailout plan.
We're not doing bad dates outtapoliteness.
We're not being held hostage toany relationship, situationship,
bad date, whatever it may be.
We have an exit strategy, thatcould be code words, fake
emergencies.
The Uber is here, it's ready togo.
the-sober-butterfly_12_02-26 (16:50):
If he gives you the ick, you don't
need another drink.
You just need to leave.
the-sober-butterfly_13_0 (16:55):
Before I got sober, when I go on dates
the worst time I was having, themore I would drink, I realized
that about myself, when really Ishould have just left.
I should have just left the dateand left with my dignity intact.
But instead I would sit throughdinner or sit through whatever
date I was going on miserableand drinking my way through this
(17:17):
train wreck of a situation.
And I don't do that anymore,obviously, because I'm sober.
But yeah, you need a bailoutplan when it comes to dating.
I am gonna give you some quick.
Pointers like this is a veryquick rundown.
Maybe I'll do a full episode onthis, at a later date.
And listen, I don't wish this onyou, but just in case you need
this as an emergency backup, Igot you covered.
(17:39):
I wanna preface actually this bysaying I think the golden role
to dating is to do unto othersas you would have them do unto
you.
All that means is don't be anasshole because you don't want
people to be an asshole to youif you're not enjoying yourself.
If you're not enjoying the date,I think there are ways that you
can just wrap it up.
(18:00):
Wrap it up, okay.
Like, cue music, we gotta getout of here.
Whereas my check please.
I believe in being honest, but Ithink you can deliver honesty
and truth with kindness.
So you have to use this withdiscretion.
Okay?
As the last resort.
Okay.
But if you must, if it's soterrible and you for some reason
cannot back to central numbertwo, use your voice.
(18:22):
That works.
Just have a bailout plan.
As a backup.
Backup, backup plan.
Okay?
Here are some key elements to agood bailout plan.
So you have a prearranged exitstrategy.
And this is actually reminiscentto like being a newly sober
person going into socialsituations and feeling like I
need a plan, a strategy in casethings get a bit too wonky and I
(18:44):
feel triggered, or whatever.
So I kind of based it aroundthat, You have a prearranged
strategy, exit strategy, thiscan be a code word that you text
your friend at dinner, althoughI think texting on a date is
really rude.
But maybe you slip into thebathroom and you text your
friend and you tell her to callyou at a specific time.
(19:05):
Um, and she calls you and tellsyou that, oh my gosh.
She's locked out of herapartment and what do you know?
You're the only person within a.
20 mile radius that has herspare key.
So gotta go like that could besomething that you do.
I never like to pretend thatsomeone's sick or, you know,
dying.
I never want to ever put thatinto the universe.
(19:26):
So I, my go-to is often myfriend is locked out.
You can use like a vague excuseif necessary.
So if you're like, I don't wantto lie, like I don't wanna
involve other people in myshenanigans, I just wanna get
out of here.
You can say something like, youknow what?
Like, I actually need to be homesoon.
My schedule's super tight.
I've forgot I need to do X, Y, ZOnce again, I don't like to
(19:47):
pretend that I'm under theweather feeling sick or have any
type of illness excuse, so Ioften just blame it on something
I have to do where busy people.
So I would say something likethat, but those are my go-tos if
I feel like I need to bail, likeI haven't had to do that in
years actually, so once again,use this with discretion.
(20:08):
I encourage you just to beupfront and if you're not
enjoying yourself, there's noneed to stay outta politeness.
You can exit gracefully.
Avoid leaving them feelingembarrassed or rejected and
unnecessarily just, you know,being honest, like, this was a
great time.
Or even if it wasn't a littlewhite lie won't hurt them.
Like, oh, this was fun.
Um, but actually I have to wakeup super early tomorrow for
(20:31):
Pilates., if you need to bail,you need to bail, it's fine.
the-sober-butterfly_14_02-26 (20:34):
So number five is a hinge profile
that screams main girl energy ormain character energy.
And that doesn't need to behinge.
that's the only dating app Ihave and I'm not even active on
it most of the time.
Anyway, if your dating profileis giving low effort, we need to
fix that because you are in yoursober era.
This is a power move, not apersonality flaw.
(20:57):
So you need to showcase, thatyou are sober and in last week's
episode of The Sober Butterflywith Maddie from Happiest Sober,
she gave the best advice when itcomes to how to broadcast to
your potential matches that youare.
So she said something reallycute and witty, like something
you should know about me is thatwas the prompt.
(21:19):
I don't drink, but I'll happilycheers my mocktail with your
beer.
So that was super playful, butalso Putting it out there, very
forthcoming with her decision tobe sober, and I thought that was
awesome.
You should have on your datinghinge, I keep seeing hinge, but
your dating profile, you shouldhave an image that.
(21:41):
Is of you smiling, okay?
Show those pearly whites.
You need an image of you withother people.
So in a social setting, likeshow people that you have
friends, you have a life, right?
You should have an image thatshowcases your hobbies or your
interest or your pastimes,right?
I think you need to have athirst trap.
Like I'm not gonna default andsay men are visual creatures.
(22:03):
I'm gonna say we're all visualcreatures.
Especially when you're on anapp, like you have to make a
decision in sometimes likemilliseconds, like it can be
very overwhelming being on theapps.
So most people are not takingthe time to really assess each
individual profile.
So yeah, hit'em hard with the,I'm wearing my whatever.
(22:24):
Dress and I feel sexy, orwhatever you feel most sexiest.
And for me it's a nice, youknow, little black dress moment
I like to showcase all my bestfeatures so either way, curate
something that screams at you,the main character of your life,
and also you don't need anyoneto complete said life like you
already are living a full richlife without a partner.
(22:49):
I'll just wrap this one bysaying, avoid any boring bios.
Like just ask, you know, like,no.
Put that stuff out there.
Show your personality, whatmakes you fun and trusting, and
a walking green flag
the-sober-butterfly_15_02 (23:03):
Okay, number six.
On the list is a sexy,non-alcoholic drink order.
So my go-to, I love a good spicymargarita.
Hold the regret.
Extra lime, please.
I also like anything sparkly,bubbly I want my drink to become
any nice.
Vessel, I want a nice flutemoment or a nice martini glass.
(23:26):
Like I'm all about theaesthetics.
And yeah, it just makeseverything a bit more like.
Glossy and fabulous.
So that is what I wouldrecommend.
Have a sexy, non-alcoholic drinkorder, and if you know where
you're going on said date, youcan even do a little bit of
pre-work.
Look at the menu, the drink menubefore you go to the
(23:47):
establishment so you alreadyknow what you're gonna get.
the-sober-butterfly_2_01-08 (23:50):
And now a quick word from our
partners.
the-sober-butterfly_25_12 (23:55):
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the-sober-butterfly_15_02 (25:10):
Okay, coming in.
At number seven is a group chatto debrief because post-date
breakdowns are mandatory in mybook.
And you need a sober hype squad,it doesn't even need to be
sober.
Most of my like group chats arewith girls who are not sober,
actually.
But I need those girls in mylife like they are like my
(25:31):
lifeline.
And I have learned with age tonot always divulge every little
detail like microcosm of thedate, but I love to share funny
moments and especially in thebeginning parts of dating, like
before and the relationship hasbeen established.
I'm not sharing for advice perse, I'm just sharing because
it's fun to share.
(25:53):
It's fun to share, it's fun tohear.
My friends and I actually aredoing this year inventory, which
is basically an Excelspreadsheet that gives a
breakdown of every date we wenton.
I'm gonna just link it in theshow notes for you to reference.
If you want to, you can keep aspreadsheet of all of the dates
that you go on for 2025.
So I've.
I've been doing that.
(26:13):
It's kind of dry right now, butwhen I do my 2025 sober dating
wrapped episode at the end ofthis year, I can have like.
Very concrete data points torefer back to.
Anyway, I referenced that herebecause my girls from my group
chat shared it.
And so we've been filling it upand we each have our own tab at
the bottom of the Excel so wecan also see what our friends
(26:35):
are doing in the dates they'regoing on.
And it's, it's super fun to do.
So you need a network, you needyour girls, and it's fun to
reflect.
Sometimes, you know, we dothings for the plot anyway.
So it's like, why not just shareit with the people who will
appreciate it and get it?
so yeah, you need a group chatto debrief some of your dating
(26:56):
life with.
the-sober-butterfly_16_02 (26:56):
Okay, so number eight, true confidence
because sober dating equals noliquid courage, which equals
real confidence.
And I think one of the biggestflexes is owning who you are.
Like alcohol makes people actconfident, but being sober makes
you actually confident.
(27:18):
So true confidence is not drunkconfidence.
And the thing about trueconfidence in sober dating is
that you feel secure andcomfortable in yourself.
You're not relying on externalvalidation you're approaching
dating with a genuine belief inyour own worth.
I think that part is crucial,like you have self-worth, you
(27:40):
value yourself.
You are allowing yourself to beauthentic and open and
respectful while interactingwith potential partners,
regardless of the outcome.
It's detachment over here it'snot because you don't care about
finding a partner, it's justthat Everything is not being
poured into this person or thisdate, and you will be okay no
(28:03):
matter what, whether the date orthe relationship works out like
you are a whole person.
And that is what sober dating.
One of the biggest takeaways forme has, has been that I am
confident in my own skin.
I know who I am, and if you arestruggling, I'll say this
because it's not always easy tobuild true confidence just
(28:26):
because you get sober, So reallyquickly, I'll share some ways in
which you can help buildself-confidence in dating.
Of the first things I've done isreally prioritize my physical
and mental health.
The ways in which I do it isthrough exercise and nutrition
and hobbies.
I also practice self-compassion.
(28:46):
I am kind to myself.
Not always, I'm not perfect, butI've been so much more kind to
myself and giving myself so muchmore grace.
I reflect on my achievementsbecause you know, I have a lot
of accomplishments and so do youboth big and small.
Getting sober was a huge lifeaccomplishment for me and
achievement for me.
So just reminding myself ofthose capabilities has been
(29:09):
truly groundbreaking.
I also challenge negativethoughts as they come up.
So anytime I'm being likeself-deprecating or
self-defeating, I try toconfront that with positive
affirmations about myself.
I have worked on developingsocial skills.
I've always been the socialbutterfly, hence the name of
(29:31):
this podcast, the SoberButterfly.
But I had to relearn how toengage in conversations when
sober, especially around dating.
That's something that took timeand practice and then one of the
biggest things for me wasthrough professional help,
therapy, I addressed so manyunderlying issues that were
(29:52):
impacting my self-esteem andstill continue to do so.
For example, body dysmorphia anddoing inner child work and
healing.
All of that has been.
With the aid of a therapist.
Now you don't need to have atherapist to do this work.
I just use therapy as a tool.
But there are many ways in whichyou can confront some of those,
(30:16):
underlying issues that may bepreventing you or impacting your
true confidence.
Confidence isn't about what youhave.
It's not even about thoseaccomplishments.
Like I mentioned.
It's about what you understandabout yourself, you don't have
to wait until you're thisperfect version of self to find
a partner or to start dating.
Start now.
Start with where you are andapply these essentials.
the-sober-butterfly_19_02 (30:39):
Okay.
Number nine is a boundariesblueprint.
the-sober-butterfly (30:42):
Boundaries.
This is a term that we throwaround so often.
Boundaries.
Boundaries.
Boundaries.
boundaries are basicallynon-negotiables in my book.
You need to know them before youstart dating, What are your
non-negotiables?
What are you not putting upwith?
What can't you tolerate thatlooks different from curating?
Like a list of potentialqualities that you're looking
(31:04):
for in, in a mate.
that's different, you need to beable to decipher what's a yes
for you versus what's a no foryou.
so this is homework.
If you don't have a boundaries.
Blueprint, before you swipe,write on the app or go on your
next date or even continueentertaining this situationship
(31:25):
that you have going on.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Um, you need to physically writedown or type out on your phone
or in your notes or wherever youlike to keep a running record of
these sorts of things.
You need to write down.
You're non-negotiables becauseyou will settle for nonsense, I
(31:45):
guarantee you, if you don'tphysically have something to
reference.
That has been my experience, andthe reason I say that is because
the line is often blurred whenwe start to get to know someone
and develop feelings for them.
So sometimes we can, you know,ignore some of those red flags.
(32:06):
Maybe we're not listening to ourinner voice or intuition.
Maybe we're not speaking up.
So it's always nice to go backto the basics.
Go back to that blueprint.
What am I not settling for?
the-sober-butterfly_18_02-2 (32:18):
And the whole reason I made this
episode today, the 10essentials, is because I want us
to change how we approach ourdating habits, our dating life
as sober girls.
And one of my favorite quotes,it's been viral recently, but
one of my favorite quotes is,whatever you are not changing,
you are choosing.
And this can be applied to manyaspects of our life, right?
(32:39):
Including relationships, habits,jobs.
But it's a great reminder thatyou are not powerless, okay?
We are powerful beings.
And we can choose to change ourlives.
We chose to stop drinking.
We chose to get sober.
We chose to listen to today'sepisode, this podcast for a
(33:00):
reason, to encourage us to takeaction and be informed because
you make better decisions andchoices when you have more
information, I'm not gonna sharemy full Boundaries blueprint
with you guys, but know that topof my list is someone who does
not respect my sobriety.
(33:20):
Like that is a non-negotiablefor me.
I don't really care if theperson I'm dating is sober or
not, so long as theirrelationship with substances are
not deemed, you know,inappropriate or problematic.
But a non-negotiable for me islike, you are trying to
encourage me to drink, right?
I'm never going to drink alcoholagain.
(33:40):
God willing.
So yeah, anyone that does notunderstand that or respect that
is a non.
Factor for me.
I don't care what you look like,what car you drive, how much you
earn, how much investments you,I, I like none of that matters
because going back to myblueprint, if you don't respect
me or my sobriety, then you.
(34:01):
Are dismissed.
It's simple.
So make sure your homeworktonight, if you haven't done it,
is make sure that you create alist of non-negotiables that
will be your boundariesblueprint, because if you do not
do that, you will settle fornonsense.
I promise you.
You will settle, you will foregoyour own needs because you are
not clear about what youactually want, need and deserve,
(34:24):
and you deserve someone that'sgoing to uphold your boundaries.
the-sober-butterfly_20_02 (34:27):
Okay, and coming in last at number 10,
hobbies, a, k, A, and life.
You have a life that is so fullthat dating is just.
A fun add-on.
It's just a fun bonus.
Sober dating is just so mucheasier when your life is already
full, and if your entirepersonality is just sober, I
(34:49):
hate to break it to you, babe,that's not enough.
You have to have hobbies.
You have to have passions.
You have to have things thatmake you happy.
Outside of dating, and it'sinteresting, one of my
girlfriends was telling me likeshe recently got into therapy
and she went to therapy for aguy, and one of the first things
that her therapist said to herwas, you need hobbies.
(35:11):
She's like, I can already tellyou you don't have any hobbies.
You're spiraling, obsessing,overthinking every little
situation with this particularguy that she was seeing because
you don't have hobbies and.
That hit, I realized too when Igot sober.
I had to go right back to thebeginning.
(35:31):
I'm like, well, what do I liketo do?
My hobby was drinking it's easyto pour so much into, you know,
dating because it's somethingthat we may really want.
We really may want to findauthentic connections with
people and therefore weprioritize that.
But like that cannot, in myopinion, be the priority.
You are the priority.
The thing that I took away fromthis love and dating and sex,
(35:54):
and.
Relationships series allFebruary long was self-love.
The love that you seek, you needto give to yourself.
That's something I constantlyrepeat to myself.
You will never find someone thatfully loves you the way in which
you deserve to be loved.
If you are too busy.
Diminishing yourself or notpouring into yourself, and
you're not going to attract thelove of the partner that you
(36:15):
desire if you are not livingyour fullest, highest
vibrational self.
I know that's a lot.
And the key that I want you toknow is you need to have a life,
you need to have a strong senseof self and identity and not
Dismiss your friends and familyand loved ones for this man, or
(36:36):
for this relationship or forthis date.
Having hobbies and having a lifeactually makes you more.
Interesting as a person andgives you more to talk about on
a date.
We all know what it's like to bewith someone that has such a
rich life.
It's so fascinating to hear themshare about all of their
adventures and experiences andinterest and hobbies and
(36:57):
activities and events that theygo to and the friends that they
have, and like that makes them awhole person.
And you want somebody that isfully whole and you need to be
fully whole as well.
Of course if you enter arelationship with someone, you
can combine some of thosehobbies, but I would also argue
that you should always havesomething of interest that is
for you because you like to doit.
(37:19):
I'll admit, I was also that girlthat would pretend to be
interested in things that mydate was interested in.
Like, oh, you like basketball?
I love basketball.
I've never watched a basketballgame in my life.
Okay, that's a lie I have.
But like, I've never fully likesought out, ooh, what's on the
game to, like, I didn't evenknow the verbiage.
Who's, who's the Knicks playingtonight?
(37:40):
Like, I've never asked thatquestion a day in my life,
unless I was trying to entertaina man.
So I don't do that anymore.
I have true hobbies because Igot sober and I realized I
needed to find true hobbies.
And I am excited to share that.
And that passion is sexy.
That passion is attractive topotential suitors.
So just get a life.
(38:00):
Okay?
And I would.
Even go so far as to say thatmost of the time when I wasn't
looking, when I wasn't givingoff desperate energy, when I
wasn't feeling like, oh my God,like I'm never gonna find
someone, when I was busy livingmy own fulfilling life I was
able actually to attractcandidates or partners into my
life.
That's because I was once againvibrating on a higher frequency
(38:22):
because I was doing the thingsthat brought me true joy.
And that joy came from aninternal place, from an internal
source, but it radiated orpermeated from the outside.
And people can see that.
They can see and feel that likeI want your life force to be so
strong that people feelnaturally drawn to you, and I
want you to have such a richlife that anyone that comes into
(38:46):
it is just adding.
And I want you to be so wholewith yourself that you don't
need anyone.
Anyone that comes in is a bonus.
the-sober-butterfly_21_02-2 (38:58):
All right, sober butterflies.
That is my list.
I'm gonna break it down for youone more time.
So we have at number one, abrain that works.
Number two, a voice that works.
Number three.
And in a voice, a k, A, yourintuition.
Number four, a bailout plannumber five, a hinge or dating
profile that screams maincharacter energy.
(39:20):
Number six.
A sexy non-alcoholic drink ordernumber seven, a group chat to
debrief.
Number eight, true confidence.
Number nine, a boundariesblueprint.
And number 10, hobbies.
A k, a, A Life.
did I miss anything?
Let me know.
DM me.
I want to hear from you your topsober dating essentials and oh,
(39:45):
actually I have some quick bonusmust haves for you.
A predate playlist.
Okay.
Anytime I go out on a date, Ihave to feel like that girl.
I like to go through all themotions.
Music really sets the tone orthe mood.
I encourage you to create apre-date playlist'cause you just
go in with that energy and thena vibrator.
(40:07):
Okay.
That's another bonus essential.
because sometimes you don't needa bad date.
You just need a good toy, let'sbe honest.
And sometimes it's nice to comehome to, you know, a nice
little.
Post-date activity, or evenpredate activity.
Yeah, use that vibrator beforeyou go on the date.
You'll feel so relaxed.
(40:28):
You'll feel so at ease.
I promise you, if you orgasmbefore a date, yeah, you are
giving that energy off.
iT just exudes, confidence.
Okay, so those are my two bonusfor you.
Create a playlist and get avibrator if you don't have one.
Staed.
the-sober-butterfly_22_02 (40:43):
Thank you guys so much for listening
to this week's episode of TheSober Butterfly Podcast.
Be sure to subscribe, share, andleave a review.
It helps more sober girls likeyou.
Find the pod.
I hope you had fun with thisseries.
All about love datingrelationship, sex, all February
long.
(41:04):
I will always bring in, storiesaround my dating life as it
unfolds.
But, come March, which is nextweek, I can't believe it, we're
entering women's.
Month.
So I have lots of girlies comingon the podcast.
I'll be talking more about myrecent trip to Barbados which
was a solo sober trip.
(41:24):
So make sure that you staytuned, follow the show, because
you don't wanna miss what'scoming.
Okay, guys.
Until next time, stay bold, staybeautiful, stay sober.
I love you butterflies.
Bye.
Hello.
Hello, sober butterflies andwelcome back to another episode
of The Sober Butterfly, yourgo-to for Thriving in Life
Without Booze.
I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina,and today we're wrapping up our
February Love series withsomething special because, sober
dating.
It's a different kind of beast.
(00:23):
Gone are the days of blackoutmake outs.
And who is this morning text ifyou know?
You know, we are dating withclarity, confidence in a fully
functioning frontal lobe.
So today I'm giving you 10things every sober girl needs
for dating and relationships,whether you're single, taken, or
(00:45):
just flirting for the plot.
Let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_6_02- (00:50):
Okay, so in no particular order, I'm
going to share my 10 essentialsfor sober dating navigating
relationships, dating love, sex,all that.
Truly, I think every girl needsthese things, whether you're
sober, sober, curious.
Or not even interested ingetting sober.
These are just things I thinkthat you should apply in your
(01:10):
dating game plan.
So without further ado, I'mgoing to share my 10 essentials.
As mentioned, this is in noparticular order, and I will
give a full breakdown of each ofthese essentials later on in the
episode.
So here we go.
Drum roll please.
the-sober-butterfly_7_02- (01:29):
Okay.
Coming in hot with number one, Abrain that works.
No more blackout decisionmaking.
Number two, a voice that works.
If you're not saying what youneed, you're settling number
three.
Inner voice, AKA intuition.
Number four, a bailout planbecause we don't do bad dates
(01:51):
outta politeness.
Number five.
A hinge profile or datingprofile of your choice that
screams main character energy,not sad girl or desperate girl.
Energy over here.
Number six, a sexy non-alcoholicdrink order.
Ordering water is givingundercover coffee, babe.
(02:14):
Number seven, a group chat todebrief because you cannot keep
these stories to yourself.
Number eight.
True confidence, the kind thatdoes not require a shot of
tequila.
Number nine, a boundariesblueprint, knowing what's a hell
Yes, versus a boy bye number 10Hobbies, or as I like to call
(02:37):
them, a life.
So that is my comprehensive listof the 10 essentials for sober
dating and relationships thatevery girl needs.
Now let me do you a solid andbreak down what each of these
essentials actually mean andentail.
the-sober-butterfly_8_02-26 (02:54):
All right, so let's start with the
basics.
Number one, to kickstart thislist is a brain that works.
I really wanna emphasize thatworks part.
We all have brainsrevolutionary, I know, but not
all of us are utilizing ourbrains to their full capacity.
And what I mean by that isoftentimes if you are drinking
on a date or if you're drinkingyour way through a relationship,
(03:16):
because I am, I'm guilty ofthat.
I've definitely been inrelationships with people.
Mostly hazy, like mostly underthe influence of a substance
because I wanted to forge aconnection or I wanted to numb
my way through the sheer boredomor lack of connection I felt
(03:36):
with that person.
if you can relate, let me know,but we're not doing that
anymore.
the-sober-butterfly_9_02-26 (03:41):
You are not just going through the
motions.
the-sober-butterfly_10_02-2 (03:43):
And listen guys, I am such a lover
girl, certified lover girl overhere, our heart is so connected
to our emotions as well as thebrain at times, but for the most
part, I think our heart guides alot of how we feel.
the-sober-butterfly_9_02-26 (03:57):
But we cannot just rely solely on
our emotions.
We have to use our brain andusing your brain.
Especially when you are juststarting to get to know someone,
whether this is a first date.
Or you're exploring the idea ofentering a relationship with a
partner.
You need to go beyond justemotions to assess your
potential partner or yourpotential date thoughtfully, and
(04:20):
consider things outside of justlike a level of attractiveness,
right?
Or a level of closeness that youfeel because you're drinking
with that person.
I cannot tell you how many timesI've been on.
What I would consider probablybad dates, but at the time I was
more interested in getting toknow that person because I was
drinking and I, I recently saw afunny meme on Instagram where it
(04:41):
was like, yeah, do I actuallylike this person or do I just
like talking about myself anddrinking alcohol?
And I thought, yeah, that isspot on.
That was me.
I was relying heavily on alcoholto connect with people, and I
like to talk about myself and Ilike to get to know people, but
did I actually like the person Iwas dating or sitting across
(05:03):
from me at the table?
the-sober-butterfly_10_02-2 (05:04):
Not drinking is helping us
critically think.
Analyzing a person's behavior,their actions and their words to
understand their true intentionsand whether or not that aligns
with your needs.
Compatibility, right?
I think using your brain alsoentails active listening.
Paying attention to what yourdate is saying and asking follow
(05:26):
up questions or clarifyingquestions to gain a deeper
understanding of theirperspective.
It's helping you with your ownself-awareness and recognizing
what you want, what you need,your values, your deal breakers,
You can save yourself so muchtime by not drinking, and once
again, like this podcastepisode, by the way, is for
everyone.
This is not just for sobergirls, even though.
(05:49):
The title is The 10 Essentialsthat Every Sober Girl Needs
however, I would argue that evenif you are not sober or sober
curious or looking to get sober,you should go on dates,
especially early in the datingprocess, sober like no alcohol
whatsoever, because you're gonnapick up on so many more cues
(06:09):
that otherwise you may not havebecause you have clarity.
You have.
A brain that works, that'sunobstructed by substances and
that my friend is going to saveyou potentially so much time, it
will save you heartbreakpotentially, because you will be
more aware of yourself, how youfeel with that person, and also
(06:31):
what the other person is doingand saying and everything I
mentioned before, their valuestheir personality, their
interests, their life goals.
It goes beyond just the surfacelevel, and it reduces the risk
of settling, you know, byactively assessing your
potential partner.
When using your brain fully, youcan avoid.
(06:51):
Getting involved with someonewho just is not a good fit in
the long run.
so that's my number oneessential, a brain that fully
works and to tie that neatlywith a bow, brain that fully
works.
Means no alcohol on first datesor early in the dating process,
and even when you enter arelationship with someone, be
(07:13):
mindful of how much you aredrinking with them.
Because as mentioned, that mightcreate a false sense of
closeness or connectedness, andwe want clarity to actually
figure out if we like the personor love them.
So number one, a brain thatworks.
the-sober-butterfly_11_02 (07:30):
Okay.
My number two essential is avoice that works and.
A little caveat here and isn'tafraid to speak up.
We're not here to be, you know,the cool chill girl or whatever.
You have to say what you mean.
And by the way, using yourvoice.
Not being afraid to speak up.
(07:50):
I mean, like Kevin Hart said,like say it with your chest.
Okay, say it with your chest.
Speak up.
And I think so often as women,we are taught to be demure or to
be polite.
Be a people pleaser, makeeveryone happy.
Be small.
No, we are not playing small.
We are using our voice toactively express our thoughts.
(08:13):
We have opinions.
We have feelings.
And we're honest.
We're not campaigning with ourpartner or our date.
And by campaigning, I mean likewe're not trying to be a pick me
I used to spend so much time.
Before getting sober in mydating life, trying to get the
other partner to see value inme, to pick me or choose me,
(08:34):
whether or not I like them was adifferent story, but like that
was just my default mode.
And by nature, I think that Ican be a bit of a people
pleaser.
Combined with the fact that myfamily's British and the Brits
are known to be very polite.
So I would often, you know, bitemy tongue or not speak up in
regards to things that felt off.
And now I don't do that.
(08:55):
And it doesn't have to be, bythe way, using your voice and
speaking up doesn't need to bethis like confrontational,
aggressive, abrasive, whateveradjective you wanna fill in the
blank there with like, it canvery much be you speaking up in
a way that is.
Confident expressing genuineinterest, maybe clarifying
(09:16):
something that youmisunderstood, like, oh, what
did you mean by that?
That is my favorite thing to asksomeone.
If someone says something likereally odd to me, or jarring or
confusing, I ask them, I'm like,oh, what did you mean by that?
Instead of me immediatelygetting defensive and following
up with like a brash comment orrebuttal, I'll repeat what they
(09:36):
say to me, and I'll ask like,oh, what do you mean?
an example of that can be, ifsomeone makes a comment around
like, why you don't drink,that's off color.
Like, oh.
Were you an alcoholic orsomething?
That's a question that's beenasked to me before on a date.
Like, oh, you, you don't drink?
Were you an alcoholic orsomething?
(09:56):
Literally, pause, wait time.
It's awkward, but that's okay.
I just demonstrated for you.
Pause and you repeat thequestion back to them.
Oh, am I an alcoholic?
Well, what do you mean by that?
And nine times out of 10, theperson hears the question back
(10:18):
and they realize maybe that itwas an inappropriate question.
Or most likely what they'll dois reframe the question.
That's usually a bit more subtleor a little bit more palatable,
I'll say.
Using a voice doesn'tnecessarily mean like you have
to take on this alter persona.
If you're more of a quiet ormeek person, I'm not suggesting
(10:39):
that you become this SashaFierce version of yourself, and
for those who don't get thatreference Beyonce, her stage
name or stage persona is SashaFierce.
Like you don't need to turn intothis like completely different
alter ego, but you should beable to speak up when necessary
and communicate what you'relooking for.
(10:59):
Going back to essential numberone, a brain that fully works.
You're not drinking on thisdate, babe.
So no matter what, you need tocommunicate that I am choosing
to not drink.
Hey, I don't drink, or, Hey, I'mlooking to scale back my
drinking.
Confidence in your voice.
Means speaking with convictionand showing that you are
(11:21):
self-assured if you go into adate like this, like, hey, like,
yeah, I don't drink.
Um, yeah, I'm just like notdrinking.
Like that's not convincing,that's not confidence.
So you need to really speak up.
Okay.
We are not Ariel from The LittleMermaid.
Okay?
We all have a voice.
We need to use it.
We need to speak up.
We have to communicate what weare looking for, what we want,
what we don't want, who we are.
(11:43):
We're not pretending to besomeone that we.
Just because we're here dating,no.
our brains are fully working, soour voice needs to reflect our
inner thoughts in a way that isappropriate.
Of course.
the-sober-butterfly_12_0 (11:54):
Number three, an inner voice we all
have an inner voice.
I am referring to our intuitionand the beauty of sober dating
is that you can actually trustyourself to make good choices.
I know that's not always beenthe case, girl, I, I know I've
been there with you.
But now that you have a brainthat fully works and you have a
(12:15):
voice that can clearlycommunicate your wants and needs
and desires, you also need totrust.
That inner voice and listen toyour intuition.
And the way in which you can tapinto your inner voice is to pay
attention to your feelings, yourgut feelings, and even your body
or bodily sensations when you'reinteracting with someone that
(12:37):
you're dating, because these aresubtle cues that can help guide
your decision making aroundwhether or not to pursue a
relationship further with thisperson.
And your body often can pick upon some of those red flags,
before your conscious mindcatches up.
So here's how you can use yourinner voice slash intuition in
dating.
(12:58):
So number one is you need to payattention to your physical
reactions, notice how you feelin someone's presence.
On a date or in the company ofthe person that you are
romantically linked with, how doyou feel?
Do you feel relaxed?
Do you feel energized?
Do you feel anxious?
If you experience butterflieswith that person, like you see
(13:18):
them and you get that feeling inthe pit of your stomach ask
yourself like, are thesebutterflies good or bad?
Does this person make me feeluneasy?
And that's why I'm getting theselike butterflies in my stomach.
These are giving you so manyclues as to whether or not you
are comfortable or content inthis person's company.
So you need to listen to yourgut You need to trust your gut
(13:42):
because your gut often detectswhen something isn't right, even
if you can't articulate it, evenif you don't know why.
I think we often dismiss thoseintuitive feelings that we get,
because they can't always beexplained.
Right.
I was taught somewhere along theway that trusting my feelings
(14:05):
and intuition wasn't valuable,that potentially my emotions
were too much and not worthlistening to for example, if I
have a bad feeling aboutsomeone, maybe I'm just being
dramatic or too critical orjudgmental, but I'm here to tell
you guys that you're not crazy.
And I see a lot of peopleblaming themselves Like on
(14:29):
anxiety or maybe even usingattachment style theory as an
excuse to tolerate bad behaviorfrom partners.
So I just wanna remind all of usthat if it isn't a good match,
your gut knows, your intuitionknows.
And as long as your needs arenot unreasonable, like I need my
partner to text me constantlyevery day, all day or like I
(14:50):
need them to reassure me everytime I feel anxious or you know,
I need to spend every wakingmoment with them.
So long as it's not anythingextreme like that you need to,
trust yourself.
Okay.
If you're regularly havingthoughts like, I really wish my
partner wouldn't ghost me, or Iwish my partner wanted to see me
more than X amount of times, orI wish my partner was there for
(15:12):
me emotionally and treated mewith respect or, you know,
anything along those lines.
Like, do not ignore thosethoughts.
They are trying to tell yousomething and you need to tap
in.
And that's when going back toessential number one, that
working brain.
It's gonna kick in, that logicwill start to kick in.
That voice that works will startto kick in, and you'll start
speaking up.
(15:32):
So once again, everything isconnected, but I would argue
that so many things actuallystart intuitively like we
somehow know.
Before even consciously knowing,and we cannot ignore that.
It is not woo woo.
It is a true science.
And because hopefully you're notusing substances at this time as
(15:54):
you date, you can trust yourintuition, you can trust
yourself.
And it's similar for me when Iwas getting sober intuitively.
My gut, I knew I had to quitdrinking.
I knew something had to give.
I wasn't ready.
It took me some time to actuallymake the change and act, but I
(16:15):
would argue way before I wasactually ready to act, I knew
intuitively that something waswrong, something was amiss.
So upon applying that to allareas of life, and especially
when it comes to dating, trustyour gut.
And listen to that inner voice.
the-sober-butterfly_13_0 (16:30):
Number four is a bailout plan.
We're not doing bad dates outtapoliteness.
We're not being held hostage toany relationship, situationship,
bad date, whatever it may be.
We have an exit strategy, thatcould be code words, fake
emergencies.
The Uber is here, it's ready togo.
the-sober-butterfly_12_02-26 (16:50):
If he gives you the ick, you don't
need another drink.
You just need to leave.
the-sober-butterfly_13_0 (16:55):
Before I got sober, when I go on dates
the worst time I was having, themore I would drink, I realized
that about myself, when really Ishould have just left.
I should have just left the dateand left with my dignity intact.
But instead I would sit throughdinner or sit through whatever
date I was going on miserableand drinking my way through this
(17:17):
train wreck of a situation.
And I don't do that anymore,obviously, because I'm sober.
But yeah, you need a bailoutplan when it comes to dating.
I am gonna give you some quick.
Pointers like this is a veryquick rundown.
Maybe I'll do a full episode onthis, at a later date.
And listen, I don't wish this onyou, but just in case you need
this as an emergency backup, Igot you covered.
(17:39):
I wanna preface actually this bysaying I think the golden role
to dating is to do unto othersas you would have them do unto
you.
All that means is don't be anasshole because you don't want
people to be an asshole to youif you're not enjoying yourself.
If you're not enjoying the date,I think there are ways that you
can just wrap it up.
(18:00):
Wrap it up, okay.
Like, cue music, we gotta getout of here.
Whereas my check please.
I believe in being honest, but Ithink you can deliver honesty
and truth with kindness.
So you have to use this withdiscretion.
Okay?
As the last resort.
Okay.
But if you must, if it's soterrible and you for some reason
cannot back to central numbertwo, use your voice.
(18:22):
That works.
Just have a bailout plan.
As a backup.
Backup, backup plan.
Okay?
Here are some key elements to agood bailout plan.
So you have a prearranged exitstrategy.
And this is actually reminiscentto like being a newly sober
person going into socialsituations and feeling like I
need a plan, a strategy in casethings get a bit too wonky and I
(18:44):
feel triggered, or whatever.
So I kind of based it aroundthat, You have a prearranged
strategy, exit strategy, thiscan be a code word that you text
your friend at dinner, althoughI think texting on a date is
really rude.
But maybe you slip into thebathroom and you text your
friend and you tell her to callyou at a specific time.
(19:05):
Um, and she calls you and tellsyou that, oh my gosh.
She's locked out of herapartment and what do you know?
You're the only person within a.
20 mile radius that has herspare key.
So gotta go like that could besomething that you do.
I never like to pretend thatsomeone's sick or, you know,
dying.
I never want to ever put thatinto the universe.
(19:26):
So I, my go-to is often myfriend is locked out.
You can use like a vague excuseif necessary.
So if you're like, I don't wantto lie, like I don't wanna
involve other people in myshenanigans, I just wanna get
out of here.
You can say something like, youknow what?
Like, I actually need to be homesoon.
My schedule's super tight.
I've forgot I need to do X, Y, ZOnce again, I don't like to
(19:47):
pretend that I'm under theweather feeling sick or have any
type of illness excuse, so Ioften just blame it on something
I have to do where busy people.
So I would say something likethat, but those are my go-tos if
I feel like I need to bail, likeI haven't had to do that in
years actually, so once again,use this with discretion.
(20:08):
I encourage you just to beupfront and if you're not
enjoying yourself, there's noneed to stay outta politeness.
You can exit gracefully.
Avoid leaving them feelingembarrassed or rejected and
unnecessarily just, you know,being honest, like, this was a
great time.
Or even if it wasn't a littlewhite lie won't hurt them.
Like, oh, this was fun.
Um, but actually I have to wakeup super early tomorrow for
(20:31):
Pilates., if you need to bail,you need to bail, it's fine.
the-sober-butterfly_14_02-26 (20:34):
So number five is a hinge profile
that screams main girl energy ormain character energy.
And that doesn't need to behinge.
that's the only dating app Ihave and I'm not even active on
it most of the time.
Anyway, if your dating profileis giving low effort, we need to
fix that because you are in yoursober era.
This is a power move, not apersonality flaw.
(20:57):
So you need to showcase, thatyou are sober and in last week's
episode of The Sober Butterflywith Maddie from Happiest Sober,
she gave the best advice when itcomes to how to broadcast to
your potential matches that youare.
So she said something reallycute and witty, like something
you should know about me is thatwas the prompt.
(21:19):
I don't drink, but I'll happilycheers my mocktail with your
beer.
So that was super playful, butalso Putting it out there, very
forthcoming with her decision tobe sober, and I thought that was
awesome.
You should have on your datinghinge, I keep seeing hinge, but
your dating profile, you shouldhave an image that.
(21:41):
Is of you smiling, okay?
Show those pearly whites.
You need an image of you withother people.
So in a social setting, likeshow people that you have
friends, you have a life, right?
You should have an image thatshowcases your hobbies or your
interest or your pastimes,right?
I think you need to have athirst trap.
Like I'm not gonna default andsay men are visual creatures.
(22:03):
I'm gonna say we're all visualcreatures.
Especially when you're on anapp, like you have to make a
decision in sometimes likemilliseconds, like it can be
very overwhelming being on theapps.
So most people are not takingthe time to really assess each
individual profile.
So yeah, hit'em hard with the,I'm wearing my whatever.
(22:24):
Dress and I feel sexy, orwhatever you feel most sexiest.
And for me it's a nice, youknow, little black dress moment
I like to showcase all my bestfeatures so either way, curate
something that screams at you,the main character of your life,
and also you don't need anyoneto complete said life like you
already are living a full richlife without a partner.
(22:49):
I'll just wrap this one bysaying, avoid any boring bios.
Like just ask, you know, like,no.
Put that stuff out there.
Show your personality, whatmakes you fun and trusting, and
a walking green flag
the-sober-butterfly_15_02 (23:03):
Okay, number six.
On the list is a sexy,non-alcoholic drink order.
So my go-to, I love a good spicymargarita.
Hold the regret.
Extra lime, please.
I also like anything sparkly,bubbly I want my drink to become
any nice.
Vessel, I want a nice flutemoment or a nice martini glass.
(23:26):
Like I'm all about theaesthetics.
And yeah, it just makeseverything a bit more like.
Glossy and fabulous.
So that is what I wouldrecommend.
Have a sexy, non-alcoholic drinkorder, and if you know where
you're going on said date, youcan even do a little bit of
pre-work.
Look at the menu, the drink menubefore you go to the
(23:47):
establishment so you alreadyknow what you're gonna get.
the-sober-butterfly_2_01-08 (23:50):
And now a quick word from our
partners.
the-sober-butterfly_25_12 (23:55):
Okay, butterflies, let me let you in
on a little secret.
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finding what makes you feel yourvery best, inside and out.
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So what are you waiting for?
Take that first step towardfeeling your best.
Head to ClassPass to get startedtoday.
the-sober-butterfly_15_02 (25:10):
Okay, coming in.
At number seven is a group chatto debrief because post-date
breakdowns are mandatory in mybook.
And you need a sober hype squad,it doesn't even need to be
sober.
Most of my like group chats arewith girls who are not sober,
actually.
But I need those girls in mylife like they are like my
(25:31):
lifeline.
And I have learned with age tonot always divulge every little
detail like microcosm of thedate, but I love to share funny
moments and especially in thebeginning parts of dating, like
before and the relationship hasbeen established.
I'm not sharing for advice perse, I'm just sharing because
it's fun to share.
(25:53):
It's fun to share, it's fun tohear.
My friends and I actually aredoing this year inventory, which
is basically an Excelspreadsheet that gives a
breakdown of every date we wenton.
I'm gonna just link it in theshow notes for you to reference.
If you want to, you can keep aspreadsheet of all of the dates
that you go on for 2025.
So I've.
I've been doing that.
(26:13):
It's kind of dry right now, butwhen I do my 2025 sober dating
wrapped episode at the end ofthis year, I can have like.
Very concrete data points torefer back to.
Anyway, I referenced that herebecause my girls from my group
chat shared it.
And so we've been filling it upand we each have our own tab at
the bottom of the Excel so wecan also see what our friends
(26:35):
are doing in the dates they'regoing on.
And it's, it's super fun to do.
So you need a network, you needyour girls, and it's fun to
reflect.
Sometimes, you know, we dothings for the plot anyway.
So it's like, why not just shareit with the people who will
appreciate it and get it?
so yeah, you need a group chatto debrief some of your dating
(26:56):
life with.
the-sober-butterfly_16_02 (26:56):
Okay, so number eight, true confidence
because sober dating equals noliquid courage, which equals
real confidence.
And I think one of the biggestflexes is owning who you are.
Like alcohol makes people actconfident, but being sober makes
you actually confident.
(27:18):
So true confidence is not drunkconfidence.
And the thing about trueconfidence in sober dating is
that you feel secure andcomfortable in yourself.
You're not relying on externalvalidation you're approaching
dating with a genuine belief inyour own worth.
I think that part is crucial,like you have self-worth, you
(27:40):
value yourself.
You are allowing yourself to beauthentic and open and
respectful while interactingwith potential partners,
regardless of the outcome.
It's detachment over here it'snot because you don't care about
finding a partner, it's justthat Everything is not being
poured into this person or thisdate, and you will be okay no
(28:03):
matter what, whether the date orthe relationship works out like
you are a whole person.
And that is what sober dating.
One of the biggest takeaways forme has, has been that I am
confident in my own skin.
I know who I am, and if you arestruggling, I'll say this
because it's not always easy tobuild true confidence just
(28:26):
because you get sober, So reallyquickly, I'll share some ways in
which you can help buildself-confidence in dating.
Of the first things I've done isreally prioritize my physical
and mental health.
The ways in which I do it isthrough exercise and nutrition
and hobbies.
I also practice self-compassion.
(28:46):
I am kind to myself.
Not always, I'm not perfect, butI've been so much more kind to
myself and giving myself so muchmore grace.
I reflect on my achievementsbecause you know, I have a lot
of accomplishments and so do youboth big and small.
Getting sober was a huge lifeaccomplishment for me and
achievement for me.
So just reminding myself ofthose capabilities has been
(29:09):
truly groundbreaking.
I also challenge negativethoughts as they come up.
So anytime I'm being likeself-deprecating or
self-defeating, I try toconfront that with positive
affirmations about myself.
I have worked on developingsocial skills.
I've always been the socialbutterfly, hence the name of
(29:31):
this podcast, the SoberButterfly.
But I had to relearn how toengage in conversations when
sober, especially around dating.
That's something that took timeand practice and then one of the
biggest things for me wasthrough professional help,
therapy, I addressed so manyunderlying issues that were
(29:52):
impacting my self-esteem andstill continue to do so.
For example, body dysmorphia anddoing inner child work and
healing.
All of that has been.
With the aid of a therapist.
Now you don't need to have atherapist to do this work.
I just use therapy as a tool.
But there are many ways in whichyou can confront some of those,
(30:16):
underlying issues that may bepreventing you or impacting your
true confidence.
Confidence isn't about what youhave.
It's not even about thoseaccomplishments.
Like I mentioned.
It's about what you understandabout yourself, you don't have
to wait until you're thisperfect version of self to find
a partner or to start dating.
Start now.
Start with where you are andapply these essentials.
the-sober-butterfly_19_02 (30:39):
Okay.
Number nine is a boundariesblueprint.
the-sober-butterfly (30:42):
Boundaries.
This is a term that we throwaround so often.
Boundaries.
Boundaries.
Boundaries.
boundaries are basicallynon-negotiables in my book.
You need to know them before youstart dating, What are your
non-negotiables?
What are you not putting upwith?
What can't you tolerate thatlooks different from curating?
Like a list of potentialqualities that you're looking
(31:04):
for in, in a mate.
that's different, you need to beable to decipher what's a yes
for you versus what's a no foryou.
so this is homework.
If you don't have a boundaries.
Blueprint, before you swipe,write on the app or go on your
next date or even continueentertaining this situationship
(31:25):
that you have going on.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Um, you need to physically writedown or type out on your phone
or in your notes or wherever youlike to keep a running record of
these sorts of things.
You need to write down.
You're non-negotiables becauseyou will settle for nonsense, I
(31:45):
guarantee you, if you don'tphysically have something to
reference.
That has been my experience, andthe reason I say that is because
the line is often blurred whenwe start to get to know someone
and develop feelings for them.
So sometimes we can, you know,ignore some of those red flags.
(32:06):
Maybe we're not listening to ourinner voice or intuition.
Maybe we're not speaking up.
So it's always nice to go backto the basics.
Go back to that blueprint.
What am I not settling for?
the-sober-butterfly_18_02-2 (32:18):
And the whole reason I made this
episode today, the 10essentials, is because I want us
to change how we approach ourdating habits, our dating life
as sober girls.
And one of my favorite quotes,it's been viral recently, but
one of my favorite quotes is,whatever you are not changing,
you are choosing.
And this can be applied to manyaspects of our life, right?
(32:39):
Including relationships, habits,jobs.
But it's a great reminder thatyou are not powerless, okay?
We are powerful beings.
And we can choose to change ourlives.
We chose to stop drinking.
We chose to get sober.
We chose to listen to today'sepisode, this podcast for a
(33:00):
reason, to encourage us to takeaction and be informed because
you make better decisions andchoices when you have more
information, I'm not gonna sharemy full Boundaries blueprint
with you guys, but know that topof my list is someone who does
not respect my sobriety.
(33:20):
Like that is a non-negotiablefor me.
I don't really care if theperson I'm dating is sober or
not, so long as theirrelationship with substances are
not deemed, you know,inappropriate or problematic.
But a non-negotiable for me islike, you are trying to
encourage me to drink, right?
I'm never going to drink alcoholagain.
(33:40):
God willing.
So yeah, anyone that does notunderstand that or respect that
is a non.
Factor for me.
I don't care what you look like,what car you drive, how much you
earn, how much investments you,I, I like none of that matters
because going back to myblueprint, if you don't respect
me or my sobriety, then you.
(34:01):
Are dismissed.
It's simple.
So make sure your homeworktonight, if you haven't done it,
is make sure that you create alist of non-negotiables that
will be your boundariesblueprint, because if you do not
do that, you will settle fornonsense.
I promise you.
You will settle, you will foregoyour own needs because you are
not clear about what youactually want, need and deserve,
(34:24):
and you deserve someone that'sgoing to uphold your boundaries.
the-sober-butterfly_20_02 (34:27):
Okay, and coming in last at number 10,
hobbies, a, k, A, and life.
You have a life that is so fullthat dating is just.
A fun add-on.
It's just a fun bonus.
Sober dating is just so mucheasier when your life is already
full, and if your entirepersonality is just sober, I
(34:49):
hate to break it to you, babe,that's not enough.
You have to have hobbies.
You have to have passions.
You have to have things thatmake you happy.
Outside of dating, and it'sinteresting, one of my
girlfriends was telling me likeshe recently got into therapy
and she went to therapy for aguy, and one of the first things
that her therapist said to herwas, you need hobbies.
(35:11):
She's like, I can already tellyou you don't have any hobbies.
You're spiraling, obsessing,overthinking every little
situation with this particularguy that she was seeing because
you don't have hobbies and.
That hit, I realized too when Igot sober.
I had to go right back to thebeginning.
(35:31):
I'm like, well, what do I liketo do?
My hobby was drinking it's easyto pour so much into, you know,
dating because it's somethingthat we may really want.
We really may want to findauthentic connections with
people and therefore weprioritize that.
But like that cannot, in myopinion, be the priority.
You are the priority.
The thing that I took away fromthis love and dating and sex,
(35:54):
and.
Relationships series allFebruary long was self-love.
The love that you seek, you needto give to yourself.
That's something I constantlyrepeat to myself.
You will never find someone thatfully loves you the way in which
you deserve to be loved.
If you are too busy.
Diminishing yourself or notpouring into yourself, and
you're not going to attract thelove of the partner that you
(36:15):
desire if you are not livingyour fullest, highest
vibrational self.
I know that's a lot.
And the key that I want you toknow is you need to have a life,
you need to have a strong senseof self and identity and not
Dismiss your friends and familyand loved ones for this man, or
(36:36):
for this relationship or forthis date.
Having hobbies and having a lifeactually makes you more.
Interesting as a person andgives you more to talk about on
a date.
We all know what it's like to bewith someone that has such a
rich life.
It's so fascinating to hear themshare about all of their
adventures and experiences andinterest and hobbies and
(36:57):
activities and events that theygo to and the friends that they
have, and like that makes them awhole person.
And you want somebody that isfully whole and you need to be
fully whole as well.
Of course if you enter arelationship with someone, you
can combine some of thosehobbies, but I would also argue
that you should always havesomething of interest that is
for you because you like to doit.
(37:19):
I'll admit, I was also that girlthat would pretend to be
interested in things that mydate was interested in.
Like, oh, you like basketball?
I love basketball.
I've never watched a basketballgame in my life.
Okay, that's a lie I have.
But like, I've never fully likesought out, ooh, what's on the
game to, like, I didn't evenknow the verbiage.
Who's, who's the Knicks playingtonight?
(37:40):
Like, I've never asked thatquestion a day in my life,
unless I was trying to entertaina man.
So I don't do that anymore.
I have true hobbies because Igot sober and I realized I
needed to find true hobbies.
And I am excited to share that.
And that passion is sexy.
That passion is attractive topotential suitors.
So just get a life.
(38:00):
Okay?
And I would.
Even go so far as to say thatmost of the time when I wasn't
looking, when I wasn't givingoff desperate energy, when I
wasn't feeling like, oh my God,like I'm never gonna find
someone, when I was busy livingmy own fulfilling life I was
able actually to attractcandidates or partners into my
life.
That's because I was once againvibrating on a higher frequency
(38:22):
because I was doing the thingsthat brought me true joy.
And that joy came from aninternal place, from an internal
source, but it radiated orpermeated from the outside.
And people can see that.
They can see and feel that likeI want your life force to be so
strong that people feelnaturally drawn to you, and I
want you to have such a richlife that anyone that comes into
(38:46):
it is just adding.
And I want you to be so wholewith yourself that you don't
need anyone.
Anyone that comes in is a bonus.
the-sober-butterfly_21_02-2 (38:58):
All right, sober butterflies.
That is my list.
I'm gonna break it down for youone more time.
So we have at number one, abrain that works.
Number two, a voice that works.
Number three.
And in a voice, a k, A, yourintuition.
Number four, a bailout plannumber five, a hinge or dating
profile that screams maincharacter energy.
(39:20):
Number six.
A sexy non-alcoholic drink ordernumber seven, a group chat to
debrief.
Number eight, true confidence.
Number nine, a boundariesblueprint.
And number 10, hobbies.
A k, a, A Life.
did I miss anything?
Let me know.
DM me.
I want to hear from you your topsober dating essentials and oh,
(39:45):
actually I have some quick bonusmust haves for you.
A predate playlist.
Okay.
Anytime I go out on a date, Ihave to feel like that girl.
I like to go through all themotions.
Music really sets the tone orthe mood.
I encourage you to create apre-date playlist'cause you just
go in with that energy and thena vibrator.
(40:07):
Okay.
That's another bonus essential.
because sometimes you don't needa bad date.
You just need a good toy, let'sbe honest.
And sometimes it's nice to comehome to, you know, a nice
little.
Post-date activity, or evenpredate activity.
Yeah, use that vibrator beforeyou go on the date.
You'll feel so relaxed.
(40:28):
You'll feel so at ease.
I promise you, if you orgasmbefore a date, yeah, you are
giving that energy off.
iT just exudes, confidence.
Okay, so those are my two bonusfor you.
Create a playlist and get avibrator if you don't have one.
Staed.
the-sober-butterfly_22_02 (40:43):
Thank you guys so much for listening
to this week's episode of TheSober Butterfly Podcast.
Be sure to subscribe, share, andleave a review.
It helps more sober girls likeyou.
Find the pod.
I hope you had fun with thisseries.
All about love datingrelationship, sex, all February
long.
(41:04):
I will always bring in, storiesaround my dating life as it
unfolds.
But, come March, which is nextweek, I can't believe it, we're
entering women's.
Month.
So I have lots of girlies comingon the podcast.
I'll be talking more about myrecent trip to Barbados which
was a solo sober trip.
(41:24):
So make sure that you staytuned, follow the show, because
you don't wanna miss what'scoming.
Okay, guys.
Until next time, stay bold, staybeautiful, stay sober.
I love you butterflies.
Bye.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.