Birthday Blues & 34 Life Lessons from 34 Years

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_15_0 (00:02):
Hello.
Hello, beautiful butterflies andwelcome to The Sober Butterfly,
the podcast where we navigatelife, sobriety and self
discovery.
One episode at a time.
I'm your host, Nadine Mulvina,and in today's solo episode.
We're getting real.
We're getting real aboutbirthdays, birthday, blues, and
the 34 biggest life lessons I'velearned in this wild, crazy,

(00:26):
beautiful, sober life.
Okay, so I just kind of wannajump in and talk about birthdays
because birthdays are weird.
At least.
This past birthday was weird.

the-sober-butterfly_1 (00:37):
birthdays can be weird because we put so
much pressure on ourselves whenit comes to.
Birthdays and not just the actof celebrating like, what am I
gonna do?
Who am I gonna spend my birthdaywith?
More so just taking inventory ofwhere you are in life and doing
that introspection andreflection.
It's kind of like, well, I'mturning this age and we measure.

(01:00):
That age against maybe societalnorms or what we think we should
be doing at a certain point intime or at a certain age.
Birthdays in general, I feel are supposed
to be these big.
Celebratory milestones buthonestly, I've been a bit in a
funk.
Dare I say, I've been depressed,and I know I'm not alone because

(01:24):
birthday blues are real.
There's just something aboutgetting older that makes you
pause and reflect.
Maybe sometimes a little toomuch and the fact that social
media intensifies birthdays andmakes it look like everyone is
out here having, you know, thepicture perfect holiday or
birthday weekend.

(01:44):
I'm guilty of that too.
Okay?
If you looked at my social mediafrom this past weekend, I
celebrated in Miami and I was,you know, looking good.
And my little dresses prancingaround Olas and doing all the
things, but the truth is behind,my very glowy skin and smile.

(02:05):
I was struggling.
Okay.
I was struggling, so I wanna getreal with you guys because yeah,
I've been struggling.
I just want to put that outthere.
And I am someone who, just toprovide some context, I'm
someone who historically.
I've always loved my birthday.
I've been the type of personthat would even say things like,

(02:28):
oh birthday, no birth month.
I would say all throughout mylike teens and twenties, I had a
birthday party.
I was the type of girl that likeevery year we're partying,
you're coming, I'm drinking.
Obviously during this time I gotsober at 30.
For those of you who may notknow.
So all throughout my like lateteens and twenties we're

(02:48):
partying and there's a wholeitinerary and I am sick.
Okay.
I'm sick.
A week after my birthday,literally, sometimes I think I
would be sick because my immunesystem was so poor from
drinking.
My birthday's also in March, andbeing in the northeast in New
York, it's cold.
And so I would be in like littleskimpy club dresses and even

(03:09):
open toed shoes sometimes.
And you know, in these streetswith my friends, drinking, doing
drugs, party drugs, and likequote unquote having a ball, but
then literally having to callout of work.
The following Monday or Tuesday,sometimes even like sick.
Okay, so around 30 I stoppeddoing that for a number of

(03:32):
reasons.
Getting sober was a big part ofthat.
On my 30th birthday, actually, Iwas not sober, so I took a solo
trip to Cabo on my 30th and.
This will be a quick story time,but this is sort of like I think
where the shift occurred for me.
So for that birthday, my 30th,30 being such a milestone, I

(03:54):
think I put so much pressure onmyself to I.
Still have like a really fun,wild, crazy birthday experience.
And social media, like livingfor social media basically
played a huge role for me inthat.
Like I wanted to show everyonethat like, oh, you know, the big
three, oh, Nadine's doingsomething.

(04:15):
Of course she's doing something.
And this was still in the midstof the pandemic.
So this would've been 2000, whatyear did I turn?
I think I turned.
If we're in 25, okay.
I turned 30 in 2021, so when Iturned 30 it was still like in
the pandemic, and so a lot ofpeople couldn't come and
celebrate with me, so I was justlike, I'm gonna do something

(04:38):
big.
So I did it by myself and I wentto Cabo and that trip, by the
way, was a disaster.
I'm going to spare you all ofthe details.
All you need to know is that Igot robbed.
I blacked out a beach club Ithink my last moment for my
actual birthday was beingblackout at that beach club and

(04:59):
vomiting in the sand, coveringmy vomit in the sand like a dog,
and somehow making it back to myhotel because the staff helped
me then the next day I had likemessages from this couple that
were like concerned about me,but also wanted to have a
threesome with me.
It was a whole thing.

(05:19):
Anyway, I spent the remainingpart of that trip completely
hungover.
I.
And yeah, it was not a good 30thbirthday and consequently that
ended up being the last birthdayI spent drinking, which is kind
of a cool thing.
I had to go out with a bang andso, yeah.

(05:40):
That was my 30th, and that wasthe first year that, like I
said, I didn't really spend mybirthday with anyone.
And then since then I've prettymuch kept low-key birthdays, so
turning thirty one, thirty two,thirty three.
I have been sober for thosebirthdays, 31 through 34 now,
and I have spent the last threebirthdays, with the exception of

(06:01):
this past weekend.
Alone.
Like I've done something verylow key or like, not planned.
I shouldn't say alone.
Alone.
Like I've had maybe like afriend or two with me, but like,
I'm not planning a wholebirthday itinerary.
It's not Nadine's birth month,birth weekend.
Like no, we're just, you know,going to dinner or going to a
jazz club, like that kind ofthing.

(06:23):
And I think for me that was thebeginning of birthday blues,.
I didn't recognize it at thattime.
I thought it was just reframinghow I celebrated my birthday in
sobriety because, you know, asmentioned, my birthdays look
very crazy and wild, beforegetting sober.
So I just thought that like, ohno, it's not that I don't like

(06:45):
my birthday anymore, it's justthat like I'm not.
Getting fucked up for mybirthday, but this particular
past birthday or leading up tothat birthday, I felt an
impending sense of doom, if I'mbeing honest with you.
Like me turning 34, it wasn'tthe age so much as a marker.

(07:06):
or I'm afraid of getting olderlike that wasn't it?
It was truly anxiety.
Like anytime someone would belike, oh, it's March.
Nadine, your birthday's coming.
What are you doing?
I felt like a pit in my stomach.
I didn't have a plan, and I'm aplanner.
I didn't have a plan.

(07:26):
I wasn't excited to plananything.
I.
Felt depressed.
I, and I don't use that termlightly, and I think me feeling
depressed isn't completelyconnected to my birthday coming
up, or my birthday was comingup.
It's past now, but, I think Ifelt depressed because I've been
in a funk, if I'm being honestwith you guys.

(07:49):
I am grateful for life, like Itruly am the type of person
that's like, I'm gonna age likefine wine.
I don't love that expression,but you get what I'm trying to
say, right?
I am, you know, not afraid toage.
I think it was the achievementand pressure that I put on
myself.
To be in a place that I felt andstill kind of feel that I'm not

(08:13):
at right now at 34.
So as mentioned, birthdaysreally serve as a place or a
marker for us to do someintrospection and reflection as
to like where we are currentlyin life.
And I think that can be abeautiful thing, but I also
think it can be a bit dauntingwhen your expectation.
Life doesn't match the reality.

(08:35):
And so that is something I'mgonna talk about more in detail
later when I get to the 34lessons I've learned in life.
But I also just wanna use thatto set the scene and explain why
I was experiencing birthdayblues, and if you.
Have experienced or arecurrently experiencing birthday
blues, I can just share somequick tips that helped me shift

(09:00):
and reframe how I was feelingabout my upcoming birthday.
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Really quickly so we can have normed
language around birthday, blues.
What are they?
What is birthday depression?
It's exactly how it sounds.
It is feeling a sense of sadnessor anxiety or apathy towards
your birthday, now, of course,depression affects people
differently so it can morph ormanifest in different ways.
For me, personally, I wasfeeling very low energy and as

(11:14):
someone who is highly energetic,like I have limitless bounds of
energy, uh, that was concerning.
I mean, I was taking depression,naps.
I don't nap first of all, but Iwas feeling.
So gloomy and just depleted ofenergy or like a will to do
things that I normally findsuper exciting.

(11:34):
Like even creating content andthis podcast for example, was a
lot for me.
That was a clear indicator forme that something was wrong.
Another clear sign for me wascrying.
if you listen to the podcast,you know, I'm not a big crier.
I am not proud of the fact thatI don't normally cry or tears
don't come easily for me.

(11:55):
But I would say I've cried likealmost every day for the last
couple of weeks.
Yeah.
Um, that is veryuncharacteristic of me.
Maybe four or five days beforemy birthday, I was literally in
my apartment crying and I got analert at my door that someone

(12:15):
was downstairs and I see on mycamera a guy holding a bouquet
of flowers and I'm like, oh myGod, who sent me flowers?
Um, one of my many suitors, no,I.
I, I did think actually it wassomeone, and I was like, wait, I
don't think he has my address,so can't be from him.
But anyway, I was likeanticipating.

(12:36):
I was just like, who could thisbe?
And it turned out the flowerswere from a good girlfriend of
mine and when she sent me thoseflowers, I was literally in the
midst of crying.
And so.
I told her that I was just like,wow.
These came at the perfect timebecause I was thinking about my
birthday and it's a bit patheticto admit, but a big part of me

(12:59):
and being sad and crying wassimply the fact that I was like,
I want to spend my birthday witha guy or with a partner.
And that goes back to what Imentioned before around where am
I in life?
Like at 34, I never thought I'dbe single and I never thought
I'd be defining my happiness,based off of my relationship

(13:20):
status.
and I still don't think I'mdoing that, but like that is a
true feeling I had, like I feelalone.
And so it was just a beautiful.
Almost like divine intervention.
In that moment the doorbellrings and I'm getting flowers
from a friend.
Okay.
Like my relationships arestrong.
I have so much love around meand it may not be romantic love,

(13:44):
but at the same time, I have alot to be grateful for.
So that was just a beautifulreminder.
And so going back to birthdayblues, yeah.
I was feeling down.
I was feeling depressed, and ifyou feel that way, you are not
alone.
And so I'm so grateful that myfriend sent those flowers, but
also it helped me learn aboutbirthday blues and understanding
that this is a common phenomenonthat a lot of people experience.

(14:06):
And it's okay to be sad and cryon your birthday.
It's my birthday.
I can cry if I want to.

the-sober-butterfly_17_03-25 (14:13):
If you are experiencing birthday
blues or have or know someonewho you may suspect.
Has some birthday depression.
Here's what you can do or sharewith them so that they can cope
or navigate birthday blues threequick tips for you guys.
My first tip is practiceself-compassion, but what does

(14:36):
that really mean, Nadine?
Okay, so if you were practicing.
Self-compassion because I knowthat this is a buzz term that
gets thrown around a lot, andwe've heard it a thousand times,
but it is simply a reminder tobe kind to yourself, especially
on your day.
Give yourself credit, youdeserve credit for how far you
have come, whether you are soberor not sober.

(14:57):
You need to give yourself creditfor where you are and where you
are going.
And if you don't have the energyto celebrate your birthday or
celebrate your accomplishments,at least treat yourself with
kindness.
You should do something foryourself and like you can base
this off of your love language,for example, if you are like a
quality time girly and singlegirl, I know if you are a

(15:22):
quality time girly, okay?
'cause remember the lovelanguages, they are not just
about romantic relationships.
It can also be applied to yourrelationship with self.
So anyway, if you're a qualitytime.
Girl.
Then give yourself time to trulyspend with yourself, whether
that be taking yourself out tolunch, because let's be real,

(15:43):
food is everyone's lovelanguage, universal love
language over here, right?
I went to a Japanese botanicalgarden all by myself on my
birthday for four hours.
And I read in the garden becausethat is what I wanted to do.
And they had a beautiful cafethere.
And so I got a nice bento boxThat was the highlight of my
birthday.
I mean, don't tell my cousin'cause she really did a great

(16:04):
job of planning an amazingitinerary.
But when I tell you I justneeded to invest in myself, pour
into myself, spend time withmyself, That was what I needed.
A moment for me to be presentand say, thank you for life
today because we know this.
Life is not guaranteed anythingand everything can change in a

(16:24):
blink of an eye.
So I really try to be present inthat moment and just say, fuck
it.
Forget anything about what Ithink I should be doing.
I put my phone on Do not Disturbbecause as much as I love
getting birthday messages andcalls and texts and all the
things I'm hearing from peoplethat I haven't spoken to in
years.
Okay.
Yeah, it's sweet, but at thesame time it can be distracting.

(16:45):
And then you may be wondering,oh my God, am I going to hear
from this person And they don'treach out.
And now you're sad even more.
So don't do it.
Put your phone on, do notdisturb if you have to.
So that is something that I didon my birthday, and it was
beautiful just to spend momentsto myself.

my other love language is physical
touch.
Actually.
I think physical touch is numberone and quality time is number
two for me.
So I also scheduled a one hourdeep tissue massage with hot
stones because as we'veestablished, I am single.
And yeah, I was like, I stilldeserve to be touched.

(17:21):
Okay.
I still gotta speak to my lovelanguage.
So I went for a little massageand it was amazing that coupled
with the um, botanical gardenvisit was just incredible.
you can.
Find ways to integrate your lovelanguage, to celebrate yourself
on your day while practicingself-compassion because you need

(17:41):
to love yourself.
If you don't love you, honey, noone else will.

Tip number two I have for beating
birthday.
Blues, reflection and reflectioncan come in many forms, but the
thing I most recommend isjournaling.
There's something about writtenword that just makes it super
concrete for us.
You can always refer back to it.
And so what I practice this yearfor my 34th birthday and what I

(18:07):
recommend for anyone's birthday,whether you're depressed or not.
Best case scenario, journaling.
What is the best case scenariofor your life?
I could spend some timeruminating on the past, but I
would argue at least for myself.
That's kind of why I wasdepressed.

(18:28):
I was like thinking about pastfailures and past relationships
and past fuckups and just.
The past.
The past.
The past.
The past.
Right.
And like I think, yes, you canexcavate the past.
There's nothing wrong with doingthat.
it's healthy and helpful whenyou're able to release that
stuff.
But like I just was not tryingto do that on my actual

(18:49):
birthday.
I am like, Me dwelling on thepast is why I feel like I'm
depressed.
Thinking about all of thesefailures or perceived failures.
And it's making me sad becauseI'm like, why is my life not the
way I think it should be?
So instead, what I practicedthis year was best case scenario
journaling.
I put down on paper what is thebest thing that can happen for

(19:12):
my life in my 34th year.
I did not hold back.
Let me tell you, I did not holdback.
If you read this journal entry,which no one ever will, unless
it comes true, and then maybeI'll share it with you guys.
If you read this entry, it is megoing in okay about everything.

(19:32):
Beautiful.
That could potentially happen.
Is it realistic?
No.
Is it d Lulu?
Absolutely.
I sound like a crazy person if Iwere to share what I put down
for my 34th year, but like, yes,it is my journal.
It is my fantasy, and it is mybest case scenario.
So, you know, maybe I'm notexactly where I want to be at

(19:53):
34, but it doesn't mean that.
You know, this can't be the bestyear of my life.
It doesn't mean that things canchange in the blink of an eye,
as mentioned before, likeeverything can change, but
here's the re reframe.
Everything will change for me inthe best way possible.
So that's what I did, that'swhat I recommend.
I am just going to prescribe ahealthy dose of delusion.

(20:17):
Okay?
Get delusional and put on paperwhat you think can be the best
year of your life, especially ifyou are harboring feelings of
inadequacy or you feel likeyou're not living up to your
potential, or for whateverreason, you don't think that
this year, whatever age you'rereturning, reflects where you
should be in life.
And by the way, there is no,there is no marker.

(20:37):
Like we're all just figuring itout.
We, nobody knows what'shappening, but.
We can't help sometimes feel asthough maybe we're behind.
I think it's really healthy andhelpful to practice best case
scenario journaling.
And so that's what I did, andI'll let you guys know next year
if the, if this was my best yearof life, I have a feeling that

(20:58):
it will be my very best becauseI'm manifesting I put it down on
paper.

My final tip to help beat those
birthday blues.
Don't be afraid to seek help.
If you are struggling, you needto communicate that you're
struggling.
This is something that I am.
Telling myself as well, it issomething that I need to work
on.
As mentioned with my girlfriendwho sent the flowers and then I

(21:27):
confided in her how sad I'mfeeling.
I probably wouldn't have sharedthat with her if she didn't send
those flowers.
And that gave me an opening toexpress how depressed I was
feeling about my birthday.
I think it's especiallyimportant to seek help if you're
still experiencing those samesentiments or feelings of

(21:49):
depression, anxiety, gloom, postbirthday.
I think it's normal a coupledays after, right?
Like the residual effect.
But for the most part, if we'retalking like a week plus of you
still sitting in those feelings,those same feelings, then I
would seek professional help orshare with a good friend,
someone that's in your trustedcircle.

(22:11):
and they may not be able toprovide the answers, but there
is something really cathartic,I'll say, about releasing
feelings that we pent up and weare holding onto journaling is
one way to do that with theaforementioned tip, but.
It's not the only way, and Iwould argue that you should
practice multiple ways torelease some of those feelings

(22:33):
if possible.
We all need help.
So there's nothing to feelashamed of.
And in doing so, and sharing,you know, you may learn from
someone else that they have alsoexperienced that sense of
depression or blues when itcomes to birthdays or just in
general, like my friend alsodisclosed the same thing to me.
And don't put the pressure onyourself.
This is a bonus tip.

(22:54):
Don't put pressure on yourself.
It's your day.
No matter how you feel about theday, if you want to do nothing
because you don't feel likedoing anything, do nothing.
If you wanna celebrate becauseyou wanna celebrate, celebrate,
but don't put the pressure onyourself to perform or behave in
a certain way because it's yourbirthday.
Do what you need, take what youneed and act accordingly.

(23:17):
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I ended up actually having a
pretty good birthday.
I got to spend it with my cousinand some of her friends.
Moved my body because that issuper integral for my peace of
mind.
I did a 90 minute orange theoryclass.
I haven't done a 90 minuteorange theory class in a long
time, but that helped withendorphins, got the blood

(24:12):
pumping, so that helped improvemy mood.
Went to that botanical garden,which was really amazing.
Then I went for a massage.
Then I went to a bridgetonthemed candlelight orchestra
thing.
we, wore dresses, puffy dresses,and they had the gloves.
I had a tiara.
It was, it was cute.
And then we went to a reallyamazing steakhouse afterwards.

(24:35):
I ate well.
That always helps.
So I ended up having a goodbirthday and I felt really
present and grounded.
Um, for the most part.
The day after my birthday, I didmy best case journaling practice
that I shared with you guysaround, like how this is going
to be the best year of my life.
It really did help me.
It left me feeling inspired andhopeful that like this can

(24:57):
actually be the best year of mylife.
Of course, it requires actionmore than just writing on paper,
but I did feel better.
Me being in higher spiritsallowed me to reframe some of
the negative thoughts I hadbefore that session, that
journal session.
And it really helped me realizethat feelings, you know, feeling

(25:18):
everything, whether it's good orbad.
by the way, like there are nogood or bad feelings, but for
the purpose of this, I'm justgonna say like, feeling joy
versus sorrow feeling everythingis a gift because it means that
I'm alive, it means I'm here.
It means that I'm still growingand I'm not numbing, I am

(25:38):
feeling, I'm sitting with myfeelings.
So that helped me reset.
And when I got back to New York,I took Monday off from work and
I was just like, you know what?
I'm done wallowing.
I'm going to reflect on thelessons I've learned.
I am not gonna reflect on whatI'm lacking because I'm not

(26:00):
lacking anything.
I'm going to reflect on thegreatest lessons I've learned so
far in life.
The good, the bad, theembarrassing, the profound,
because if I've learned anythingin 34 years, it's that every
struggle eventually turns intowisdom.
So let's get into it.
34 things I've learned in my 34years.

(26:23):
Some are deep, some are funny,some are hard earned.
Let's get into it.

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At number one, we have, sobriety is
the best gift I've ever givenmyself, period.
I don't think I could honestlyname all the ways in which my
life has benefited from megetting sober, from
relationships to mental health,to physical health, to emotional
wellbeing, regulating emotionsMindset.

(28:07):
I mean, it just really haspermeated into every crevice of
my life in the best way.
Just listen to any episode ofthis podcast and you will find
that the overwhelming majority,if not every episode, talks
about how magical sobriety is.
So yeah, sobriety is the bestgift I've ever given myself.

(28:28):
Period.
But at number two, sobriety doesnot fix everything.
Okay?
It does not fix everything.
Just because you quit drinking,but it is a great start.
And what I mean by that is.
A start at life.
It's like a hard reset thatgives you clarity.
Like you get a brand new harddrive.

(28:50):
It is time for you to start overand that start.
Obviously is metaphorical, likeyou are still the same person
living your same life, but trulyso much of your life can shift
and change because you are nolonger clouding your judgment or
anchoring yourself or tetheringyourself to the substance.

(29:10):
At number three.
Your past does not define you.
Shame builds up and can lead us.
To continue to seek unhealthycoping mechanisms to work
through said shame.
The opposite of shame isvulnerability.
And when we can be vulnerableand open up about our past
mistakes and acknowledge them,and also realize that our past

(29:34):
does not define us, um, it is apart of our story, but it is not
the story.
One of the big things I'velearned is related to
forgiveness from havingconversations with people who
have done the steps and workedthose amends is forgiveness.
And forgiveness is a big part ofthe healing process.
The healing journey that canhelp you release shame and

(29:56):
recognizing that your past doesnot define you, and making
amends to other people is a partof that process.
But more importantly.
What people have shared with meon this podcast is the value of
making amends to yourself, trulyforgiving yourself.
Because if you are still holdingon to all of those past
indiscretions and carrying thatweight with you, even in your

(30:19):
sobriety, that can be reallytiring and that can leave you
stagnant or even regressing.
So I just wanna remind folksthat your past does not define
you, and healing can set youfree.

Number four, healing is not linear.
I used to think of healing.
Like a line graph that just wentup, you know?
So if 0.1 or point a, forexample, on said line graph was
me realizing that I have aproblem and for the purpose of
this segment I'll say my problemis drinking.

(30:58):
Like I'm a problem drinker, I'man alcoholic, if that's 0.1.
I used to think that the nextpoint would be.
An incremental surplus orpositive, so like the next dot
would be up and it would looklike me acknowledging the
problem now and maybe I'mseeking help and I'm in therapy.

(31:18):
So that's like a positiveincrement or spike.
And then the final dot would be.
Once again trending up I'mhealed.
I no longer have a problem withalcohol.
I am perfect.
That used to be the way Ithought about healing in any
sense.

(31:38):
And I realize now like that isjust so not true.
Healing is a rollercoaster.
With many twists and turns.
And some days I feel like aself-actualized queen.
Sometimes I'm like, Maslow, I'mat the top of the pyramid.
but the reality is, you know,that's one day.

(32:00):
But the next day I can feel likeI am starting from point A
again.
And usually it's not that, youknow, big of a dip, but.
Just to remind us that like youneed to take each day as it
comes, and this is not justrelated to sobriety, this is
related to any healing journeyor process that you're on.

(32:20):
Like it is about the progressthat you make.
It is about picking up fromwhere you left off.
It's okay for you to do bettersome days or feel better some
days than others, and it doesn'tdiminish or take away from your
overall healing process.
In fact, it is a part of theprocess like those dips and ebbs
and flows and highs and lows.

(32:42):
Coming in at number five.
Therapy is not just for whenthings are falling apart.
You gotta go before thebreakdown.
So a big part of me gettingsober four-ish years ago, or
almost four years ago, I shouldsay, was due to getting into
therapy, and that was because mylife was on fire.

(33:03):
I was experiencing reallyintense feelings of depression.
I'll say I was drinking.
I was drinking so much.
I was living abroad I wasspiraling.
I was not in a good place, andI'm glad that I had enough
foresight to recognize that Ineeded some professional help.

(33:26):
And so I got into therapy.
A big part of me finally comingto the realization that I had a
problem with alcohol was due tomy therapist pointing it out.
Now, that was not the first timethat someone had pointed out
that my drinking wasproblematic.
However, it was the first time Ihad a professional counsel me on

(33:47):
it.
I'm so glad that I went when Iwas in the midst of a truly a, a
nervous breakdown like I washaving.
Really, um, intense feelingsthat were making me feel crazy,
and I was self-medicating todeal with those feelings.
However you shouldn't wait untilyou get to that place.

(34:09):
Um, you shouldn't be like me inthat moment.
And of course, like if you feellike your life is falling apart,
go to therapy, absolutely.
but I want us to think abouttherapy as a preventative
measure, like preventative care,like you being a responsible
adult and doing all the adult,things like going and getting
your checkups, right?

(34:29):
Like we're not waiting for asymptom to pop up for us to like
finally go to the doctor or Theworst toothache of our life to
like finally go to the dentistto see what's going on.
Like, no.
We are scheduling regularcheckups.
Go before the breakdown.
Go before you need 1,000,001sessions to feel.

(34:50):
Okay.

Six.

No one is coming to save you.
You have to save yourself.
I'm gonna say it again for thepeople in the back.
No one is coming to save you.
No one's coming to save you.
Girl.
I'm sorry.
I think as women especially, wehave been conditioned to believe
that a man.

(35:13):
Is gonna come along and fix us,think damn in distress.
You can expect someone externalor something external from you
to fix you, to change you togive value or purpose to your
life, you have to know that itcomes from within and really tap
into that.

(35:33):
So this is just a beautifulreminder that no one is coming
to save you boo.
And even if you think that youknow, someone's gonna ride in on
a white horse and scoop you outof whatever despair or situation
that you're in.
Even if that happens, it isnever going to be what you
expect it to be because nowyou've given that person so much

(35:55):
power or control or place themon a pedestal they can never
live up to, because it's likeyou're entrusting your entire
life in this person's hands.
So don't do that.
Just don't rely on yourself andhave the belief and conviction
that you're capable of becomingthe best version of self to save

(36:17):
yourself

At number seven, I have sobriety is
not the end of fun.
It is truly the beginning ofreal fun.
I've talked about thatextensively on this podcast.
Even in the opening of thissegment, I talked about how my
birthdays in my twenties werechaotic.
They were wild.
They were me on a bender,basically with my friends

(36:39):
drinking, drugging, doingwhatever, thinking that was like
the epitome of fun.
And then recognizing around 30that.
Actually, this isn't so fun.
This is kind of boring,especially when you do the same
thing over and over again.
It's like, I've lived this lifefor so long, like what's next?

(36:59):
Drinking is not fun.
And if you need alcohol orsubstance to have fun.
You gotta question, is thisthing that you're doing,
actually fun, or are you tryingto make fun where fun doesn't
exist?
And that can also be inconnection to relationships with

(37:22):
other people.
If you were only around thesepeople and enjoy their company
when they are drinking, and whenyou are drinking, then you gotta
question if the relationship is.
That valuable to begin with andwhat do you actually have in
common with these people?
So yeah, sobriety is not the endof fun.
It is the beginning of fun and Ihad to learn how to or relearn

(37:45):
how to have fun because so muchof my life and identity was
connected to drinking andpartying.
And realized how boring thatactually made me and how
pathetic, quite frankly thatwas, that I didn't.
Think I could have fun withoutdrinking.
And so I always encourage peopleto go back to before you started

(38:05):
drinking whatever age that wasfor you, and try and tap back
into that inner child of like,what did you like to do?
What lit you up?
What made you happy andpassionate when you were a kid?
And like, go back to thoseactivities.

Number eight.
Not everyone will understand orsupport your sobriety, and that
is okay.
Sobriety is going to teach youwho your real friends are, who
your real people are, who trulybelongs in your inner circle.
And I hear so often people saythings like, oh, you lose

(38:41):
friends in sobriety.
I would argue I have not lost asingle friend due to me getting
sober.
I have lost friends due to mesetting boundaries, which I'll
get into a little bit later.
I've lost friends, you know?
Due to other life experienceslike growth and just growing
apart, but I've not lost anyonedue to the fact that I have

(39:04):
simply decided to quit drinking.
I have lost maybe drinkingacquaintances or peers who I had
going back to what I talkedabout in the last lesson,
connecting with people solelybased off of this idea that
we're drinking together, like myvery distorted idea of what fun
meant for me back then includeddrinking.
And so yes, those people, likeof course, like they're not in

(39:26):
my life anymore because that wasour only shared interest, but I
will say there has been anadjustment period and I did have
to give.
More grace than I was expectingto give in early sobriety.
When I first got sober, Iwasn't.
Saying that I was sober.
I quit drinking and then Ididn't have a plan, so I.

(39:50):
Didn't communicate.
I think in a way that was veryclear to other people around
what I was doing.
I was treating it like a socialexperiment and saying like, oh,
I'm just taking a break.
Like I don't wanna drink thissummer, blah, blah, blah.
My therapist list and recommendsthat I don't, and all of, all of
these things.
But I wasn't saying it withconviction.
I wasn't seeing it with mychest.
I was kind of just like blase,like trying to basically be the

(40:13):
same person minus the alcoholand like that wasn't possible
because so much of my identitywas connected to my drinking it.
So it's like who isn't ainewithout alcohol?
Like that is truly how I felt,and I know that's how other
people perceived me as well.
I'm not imagining that I'm notinternalizing these false
narratives like I know for afact because I've had real
conversations with people since,and that's fair because that is.

(40:36):
Also how I viewed myself and howI was projecting this version of
self into the world.
So I say that to say noteveryone's gonna get it,
especially in the beginning, andthere may need to be a little
bit of a grace period for peopleto adjust.
Now that looks different from.
I wanna be clear, like I thinkunderstanding your sobriety

(40:57):
looks very different fromsupporting your sobriety so
people don't have to understandwhat you're doing that's for you
to figure out.
That's for you to work on.
But I.
People should not be derailingyour progress.
People should not be limitingyou or scaring you with their
limiting beliefs or trying to,you know, push their opinions

(41:19):
onto you.
Because I've had also people saythings like, oh, Nadine, like, I
don't think you had my problem.
Like, you like to drink, but.
You, you have it under control,right?
Saying things like that.
Like once again, I don't know ifthat's like the being
unsupportive or more projectingonto me because they're afraid
that if Nadine's not drinking,then maybe they have a problem
with drinking because they werealways drinking with me.

(41:40):
Like that kind of thing.
Once again, different.
But you know, I think you kindof just have to intuitively know
who your haters are, like who istrying to.
Stop you from being this bestversion of self or optimizing,
or who was trying to hold youback and adjust accordingly,

(42:02):
pivot as needed.
Even though I didn't losefriends, real friends, once
again, going back to that graceperiod, that adjustment period.
I did have to distance myselffrom certain people for some
time, and I didn't have thelanguage or the confidence.
At said time to communicate whyI was setting these boundaries
and pushing them away and youknow, being less available.

(42:25):
But the people that are meant tobe there for you will be there
for you, even if they need sometime to adjust to your sobriety.
But no one should be trying to.
Stop you from getting sober andno one should have that power.
But take inventory of how youfeel around certain people.
Like even if you can'tarticulate why you think someone
may not be supportive, stilllisten to that inner voice and

(42:49):
respond accordingly.
And it doesn't always have to bethis big blow up or
confrontation.
It can simply be you moving orredirecting your energy
elsewhere.
Number nine, I have learning to sit
with discomfort is a superpower.
Sobriety, it has tested mypatience like nothing else,

(43:10):
sitting with discomfort, feelingmy feelings.
It's not something I'mcomfortable with.
I am a highly emotional personand I don't always know how to
process my emotions in a healthyway.

(43:31):
I'm the queen of distractions.
So even though I don't drinkanymore, when a powerful feeling
comes up that I don't wannaexperience an uncomfortable
feeling like how I've beenfeeling around my birthday and
just feeling sad around certainthings, like I don't like that.

(43:52):
And so.
I distract myself.
And that is not where thehealing I.
Can really take place.
So I have to do better and I'mworking on that.
So it is a superpower that I'mstill harnessing, I'm still
working on, but it is stillbeautiful to know that I'm
turning to healthier copingmechanisms as opposed to

(44:13):
drinking and numbing andself-medicating
Coming in at number 10 someone who
genuinely loves you will notmake you feel like you're hard
to love.
You are not hard to love.
This is applicable to anyrelationship, whether that's
with your best friend,grandmother, boyfriend, wife,

(44:35):
your whoever.
If someone makes you feel likeyou are hard to love or you're
too much, or you just need tochange this about yourself, and
then you will be more lovable.
That's a really concrete datapoint that you cannot ignore and
you need to, you gotta pivot,you gotta get out of there.
That relationship is not worthit, okay?

(44:56):
Because if someone is making youfeel like you are not good
enough, or you are incapable ofbeing loved because you are just
so difficult and you are justtoo much.
Get out of there.
You don't deserve that.
And clearly they don't deserveyou.
You are perfectly imperfect theway that you are, and someone

(45:16):
will recognize that and workwith you because there is no
such thing as perfect.
And if that other person ismaking you feel like you have to
be perfect to be loved, that'sproblematic.
But beyond that, it's like youneed to find someone who is
about growth, who wants to growwith you, who recognizes that
perfection is never going to bethe ideal that we're striving
towards.

(45:37):
It's like, no, we are juststriving towards being our best
versions of self.
This beautiful journey of life,and if you wanna be with me
along for the ride, and onceagain, this can be in any
capacity, then you must acceptthat this is who I am and I am
enough and I am lovable in thisperfectly flawed state.

(45:59):
So I'm just gonna leave it atthat.
Anyone who makes you feel likeyou are too hard to love, just
make their job easier and leave.
Okay?
Promise me that you will leavecoming in at number 11.
Love should feel safe.
It should not feel like a rollercoaster of anxiety.
I learned.
This particular lesson when Iwas doing research around

(46:20):
attachment theory, I've talked alittle bit about attachment
theory on this podcast, butbasically I read a book called
Attached, and I'll link it inthe show notes.
It's a really great book foridentifying your attachment
style.
And how it applies torelationships, And it takes
place around this premise thatthe quality of our early
relationships with ourcaregivers have a significant

(46:42):
impact on our development.
As human beings and specificallyin relationships as adults.
There are different attachmentstyles and once again, like if
you ever read the book, youshould, it's really cool to like
learn your attachment.
Style one is secure.
you're reliable, basically aperson.

(47:02):
Can rely on you.
You can rely on your partner.
Then there's avoidantattachment, which is
characterized by being likeuncomfortable growing
emotionally close with otherpeople.
There's also anxious attachment,which is another insecure
attachment style characterize, Iwould say, but like, um, a

(47:23):
strong desire for meaningfulrelationships and a fear of
abandonment.
I would argue that out of allthe attachment style, I'm mostly
anxious I'm trending towardssecure.
Like I've done a lot of work onmyself, a lot of work in
therapy, but default mode, Idefinitely think that my
attachment style is more anxiousand so I recognized.

(47:47):
A lesson in understanding moreabout attachment theory, which
is like love should feel safe.
I don't need to earn anyone'slove by overgiving or proving
myself to someone else, andthat's because I should feel
safe.
And I think when I'm not safe, Iget into this mode where I'm
performative or I'm trying to,you know, create a safe space.

(48:07):
And it's like you can't do allthe work yourself, there has to
be equity in terms ofpartnership.
It's a partnership.
I can't be bringing everythingto create this space in which I
feel like I'm lovable.
Which kind of goes back to thelast point, which is, you know,
if people don't make you feelloved, then you need to walk
away.
If you don't feel safe.

(48:28):
It's like really impossible tothrive in that environment and
to grow in partnership so yeah,trust those feelings of anxiety.
If you feel like there's just somuch ambiguity or uncertainty
and you feel unsafe, then thatis a clear sign that this is not
the right relationship for you.

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Number 12.
The way someone treats you whenthey are mad says everything.
And I would argue that youshould get into an argument with
your partner.
just for fun, ease, just No,I'm, I'm joking.
Kind of.
I, I do think that when thingsare flowing and everything's
good and, you know, there's nodisputes or disagreements,

(50:32):
really hard to assess who thatperson is.
like I want to see someone mad.
pay attention to how they treatyou when they are upset or when
they are mad or when things arenot going their way, or if you
say no to them, or if you set aboundary, whatever it may be,
pay attention to that becausethat is going to potentially
save you a lot of time.
Heartbreak, even like abuse, ifthey are a nasty person towards

(50:58):
you when they are angry., ifsomeone is mean to you, if they
diminish you, when they'reupset, if they wanna bring you
down, if they wanna make youangry, if they call you out your
name, if they obviously puttheir hands on you, like all of
these things are data pointsthat you cannot.
Cannot ignore.
If you're in a relationship withsomeone and they call you out,
your name.

(51:19):
It's a wrap.
Truly, you are talking tosomeone who has a temper like I
can get angry, but I know how todiffuse and I know how to
channel said anger into theappropriate places.
Like, I'm not going to take myanger issues out on you.
As my partner, even if you arethe person that riled me up,

(51:43):
like I know better.
I've done enough work on myselfto where I can appropriately.
Communicate, I can appropriatelytake the steps that I need,
like, I need to get out of thisroom.
I need to get away from youbecause I don't wanna say or do
something that I'm gonna regret.
Like me being able to articulatethat is a step in the right
direction.

(52:03):
If someone's calling you outyour name, if someone is hitting
things or throwing things orbreaking things, you gotta leave
permanently because it's just amatter of time.
Unfortunately I've seen this itis just a matter of time before
they direct that anger towardsyou, more towards you.
So the way someone treats youwhen they're mad says everything

(52:25):
the way I wanna add here, theway they talk about their mom
and their family, and women,especially if you're in a hetero
relationship with a man, likethe way they talk about other
women, pay attention to thattoo.
Number 13 is hard for me'cause I'm
working through this right now.
It's a lesson that.
Is reoccurring that I probablywill have to continue working
through.
But number 13 is if they wantedto, they would period.

(52:51):
Like if they wanted to, theywould.
We have to stop making excusesfor people, I mean, think about
all the things that you want todo.
If you really want something,you go after it.
You chase it, you get it, you doit.
At least that's the type ofperson I am.
if I wanna take a trip, I'm,I'm, I'm there.
We'll look at the budget.
We'll make it work.
We'll figure it out.
We'll find a way, becausethere's a will.

(53:12):
So if they want to, they would.
We have to stop making excusesfor these men, if he wanted to,
he would.
And that's really hard toaccept, I think, especially from
an ego standpoint.
It's like, but, but why?
Why doesn't he do these thingsthat he says he's gonna do?
Or like, why haven't I heardfrom him and blah, blah, blah,
this and that and that.
It's just like, becauseultimately, it's another

(53:32):
priority.
Ultimately it's just not apriority.
And I think once we separate ourego from that and stop taking it
personal, right?
Like it's not always about you.
Um, and even if it is about you,it's okay'cause you'll find
someone else.
Like once we remove our personalego, I think we can see things

(53:53):
more objectively and it willhurt less.
It will soften the blow ofknowing that this person just
didn't want to, and that's whythey did it.
I'll wrap this lesson with like,one of my favorite Sex in the
City episodes is with Mirandathis is like early two
thousands, so whatever that bookwas called where it was like,
he's just not that into you, Ithink was the book.
Yeah.
And then they like made a movie.

(54:14):
Anyway, she had just discoveredthe book and so.
Once she learned the lesson,like, oh, he hasn't called me
and I'm not gonna make excusesfor why this man hasn't called
me, and goes around like aprophet, telling all these
women, like he's just not intoyou.
He is just not into you.
And like it, that's one of myfavorite episodes because it's
true, but also like we alwaysthink that we are the exception,

(54:34):
not the rule.
And that's also what the booktalks about.
And like, of course there areexceptions to the rule, maybe he
did lose his phone.
Maybe he did go to bed at 7:00PM last night, and that's why
you didn't hear from him.
I'm, I'm laughing.
I'm not laughing at you.
I'm laughing at myself.
Trust me, these are things thatlike I have told myself, um, in

(54:54):
the past.
So yeah, if he wanted to, hewould, or if they wanted to,
they would.
We're not making excuses forpeople anymore.
And this is not just aboutromantic relationships, this is
about anything.
If somebody wants it, they willprioritize it and they will make
it happen.
Number 14, a partner should add to your

(55:14):
happiness, not be your onlysource of it.
This reminds me of one of myfavorite mantras.
Give yourself the love that youseek.
So stop expecting other peopleto.
Love you.
If you don't love yourself, stopexpecting or assuming other
people can make you happy.
If you can't make yourselfhappy, I wanna add a little

(55:35):
addendum here and say that, youknow, not only is it about not
looking for external sources ofhappiness in a partner, but
also.
Get some hobbies, get a life.
I talked about this in one of myepisodes recently on the
podcast, right?
Like, we need hobbies.
We cannot be over hereprioritizing relationships.

(55:57):
like romantic relationships asour only source of entertainment
or the only passion activitythat we have in life, like you
need to be a whole person andrecognize that the more
fulfilled you become with yourown life, the more you're living
your busy, exciting life, themore you're attracting someone

(56:20):
who can match that calibration,that energy that you.
Deserve and say that you want.
So don't assume that anyone'sgoing to make you happy.
No one can make you happy.
First of all, like I just wannabe clear about that.
No one can make you happy.
Only you can find that source ofhappiness from wherever.
Because there are moments wherewe can be happy in everyday

(56:42):
life, even when we're feelingdepressed.
For example this is a phasewhere, yeah, I'm going through a
spell of depression, but I stillfind moments of joy and
gratitude in my everyday life.
I'm not just assuming thatgetting this next thing or going
on the state is going to fix me,like that part is inherently
dangerous.
Work on ways in which you canfind happiness within yourself

(57:04):
or within your everyday life andthen when you find a partner or
a relationship or a situationthat serves you or matches the
energy that you've been puttingout there, It would just be a
bonus.
It would just be an extra littlething, the cherry on top,
Number 15.
you've heard me say this, ifyou've listened to the show.

(57:27):
Chemistry does not equalcompatibility.
We have to stop confusingintensity with intimacy.
You can feel a deep level ofattraction to someone and have
zero compatibility with them.

(57:48):
You can have intense moments ofpassion without creating any
real intimacy.
Person and to create theintimacy, there has to be a
sense of vulnerability.
There has to be a sense of trueconnection outside of, just the
physical.
There has to be alignment withvalues and alignment with

(58:14):
interest and desires and what wewant out of life and
conversations around that.
Um, so yeah.
Chemistry does not equalcompatibility.
Number 16,

love isn't about fixing someone, it's
about growing.
Together.
I love a good project.
I love a good fixer wrap, but weare not Bob the builder.
Okay?
We're not over here buildingmen.
We are not trying to motherthese men.
You have to accept people atface value.
It's not about fixing someone,it's about growing with someone.

(58:48):
And if you meet someone, prettyearly on, you can determine if
you want to pursue somethingwith them.
And if you don't.
Don't think that you can makethem into a version of self that
suits you, that's not fair tothem, and it's not fair to you.
This is who they are.
Of course, you can communicatesome things that maybe you think

(59:11):
would behoove them.
To change, but it has to besomething that they want to work
on, There is no such thing as aperfect relationship.
You are not a perfect person, sodon't expect that from your
partner, but at the same time,you gotta find someone that you
feel like you can work with.
It's a fine balance between,okay, this person may not be

(59:33):
perfect for me in every shape.
Form, because that's notprobable and that's not gonna
happen.
But they have enough good thingsthat I feel like I can work with
enough good ingredients that Ifeel like we can cook something
up together and.
If there are things about themthat I feel like may not be, you

(59:56):
know what I'm looking for, but Ican still work with it, then
communicate with them and growwith them.
But they have to be willing andable and receptive to that
feedback and want to alsoimplement said changes.

the-sober-butterfly_33_0 (01:00:11):
Number 17 is taken from one of my
favorite authors, Maya Angelou.
Ms.
Angelou, she says, when someoneshows you who you are, believe
them the first time.
Mm.
Yeah.
This is a powerful reminder.
People's actions often revealtheir true character.

(01:00:33):
This actually reminds me ofnumber 12.
The way someone treats you whenthey're mad says everything.
It's that same energy whensomeone shows you who they are,
you have to believe them thefirst time because if you
continue to delude yourself,then you can only be mad at
yourself.
It's like, fool me once.
Shame on you.
Foam me twice.
Shame on me.
Actions speak louder than words.
I don't care if you're, uh,words of affirmation, girly.

(01:00:55):
Okay.
Here, you gotta pay attention tothose acts.
Because a person's behavior ismore of a reliable indicator of
their true nature than justtheir words or their empty
promises.
And we need to, once again,channeling that same idea
around, we need to stop makingexcuses for people.
And we have to trust ourintuition or our gut feelings

(01:01:15):
about their character, and firstimpressions matter.
The first time believe them,because you can save yourself so
much harm and heartbreak, thedisappointment in the long run.
So, for example, if somebody islying or canceling plans or
being disrespectful, don'tassume that it's a one-time

(01:01:36):
thing.
You have to trust that theseactions are indicative of their
character.
So protect yourself, babe, andbelieve people when they show
you who they are
number 18.

the-sober-butterfly_32_03- (01:01:46):
This one's hard.
Um, friendship breakups.
Friendship breakups hurt waymore than romantic ones.

the-sober-butterfly_33_03-26- (01:01:58):
I truly believe that outgrowing
people is a part of evolving andthat some relationships or
friendships.
Won't make it to like your nextseason or your next era of life
because it's not meant to, likenot every relationship or
friendship in my opinion, ismeant to last forever,

people grow apart and they do so at
different rates, and one personcan be further along in the
growing apart process than theother person.
Give yourself time to grieve afriendship breakup the way, if
not more than you would grieve aromantic relationship that ends.

(01:02:35):
Because I think with friends,it's just like you assume that
they're always going to be therebecause why would they not like
relationships?
Men come and go.
But best friends or friends aresupposed to be there through it
all.
So, yeah.
Be kind to yourself and lean onother relationships in that
period of time.

the-sober-butterfly_33_03-2 (01:02:56):
19, quality over quantity.
Keeping a small circle of realones is better than a crowd of
fake ones.
As you guys may know, the soberbutterfly is a play on my life
before quitting drinking beingthe social butterfly amongst my
friends and fluttering fromplace to place.

(01:03:17):
But I had a large circle.
I kept a really big group of.
people that I called friends andnow I have enough.
Life experience to know thatthese people weren't my friends,
they were acquaintances.
And there's nothing wrong withacquaintances by the way, we
need to rebrand acquaintances.
There is nothing wrong with justhaving people that you go here

(01:03:37):
and there with that you're notgoing super deep with I know
that we talk and preach insobriety around like having
deep, profound, authenticrelationships.
And yes, that would be thequality.
You need those.
But I also think it's perfectlyfine to just have a friend that
you grab coffee with and go toPilates with and maybe go see a
movie.
I don't need you to tell youeverything going on in my life,

(01:03:58):
girl.
I don't see anything wrong withthat.
Anyway, I used to have a lot offriends, more friends or
acquaintances as we'veestablished and.
I don't see anything wrong withthat, but in terms of like real
ones, like people who are in myinner circle, my board of
directors.
Yeah, not everyone's gettingthat title.

(01:04:18):
I can count truly.
I know people say this.
I can count on one hand who Itrust.
Trust, like actually trust.
I have trust issues, but trust,trust one hand, and I think
maybe it's a form of protection,but it has served me so well to
know and have to sermon over whoI can actually call a friend
versus who.

(01:04:39):
Is a peer or an acquaintance orwas a friend that now I have
demoted to just this person,

number 20.
Boundaries.
Boundaries of self care.
And anyone who disappears whenyou set a boundary was only
there for their benefit.
There have been a few times whenI've said no to people and it's
led to me seeing their truecolors.

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(01:06:32):
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the-sober-butterfly_33_ (01:06:37):
Welcome back guys.
I've shared 20 life lessons sofar with you around what I've
learned before 34.
So we only have 14 left, and thelast 14 are sort of like a
mashup of just different things.
Some related to health andwellness.
some are related to career.
Travel it's all over the placefor these last 14 lessons.

(01:07:00):
So let's get into it with number21.
A budget is self-care.
So is a vacation find thebalance.
one of the best financialliteracy advice I received
around budgeting.
Um, is this idea that a budgetis a form of self care.
And I actually had Rachel comeon the show.

(01:07:22):
Rachel talks money.
I'll link the episode into theshow notes.
She talks about how self-caredoesn't have to be expensive,
self-care can be free.
She talks in depth about that.
Something else that shementioned in that episode is
that.
You have to figure out like whatyour top.
Priorities are what yournon-negotiables are, and then

(01:07:42):
budget accordingly.
So once I realized that I didn'thave to, because I used to
really struggle with budgeting,to be honest with you guys,
budgeting, saving.
I'm like, this is boring.
One life to live.
Let's go hard.
Let's go big.
Let's spend it all like livingpaycheck to paycheck kind of
attitude.
And that is not self-care.
First of all.
That's extremely detrimental toyour.

(01:08:03):
Emotional wellbeing, your mentalhealth, because you're like,
damn, like, am I gonna run outtamoney?
Especially in this economy, likeyou really do need to budget
accordingly.
So if that is something that youfind yourself in that cycle or
if you have a negativerelationship with money and you
want to improve that, the bestway I would say.
To start is by creating a budgetand actually sticking to it, and

(01:08:25):
then making sure that yourbudget is realistic and not so
restrictive to where you feellike you can't actually live a
life because that can easilylead you to say, fuck it, right?
Fuck the, this budget.
I am gonna go out to eat everysingle night and I'm going to.
I don't know, go to Europe fortwo months, like do reckless
things and like that's not whatwe want to do.

(01:08:46):
We want to actually create abudget that we can stick to so
that we can live the quality oflife that we want to live
without feeling like we arerepressed or we are like living
in the Great Depression.
I don't know.
That is something that I havelearned and for me, travel is
high on that priority list.
So Rachel gave really solidadvice around like prioritizing

(01:09:08):
like two or three things thatare non-negotiables for you.
So for me, fitness and travelare the two biggest things.
My two biggest expenses outsideof like my day-to-day life, my
like everyday budget and savingsand investments.
Those two things take priorityfor me.
And so I would encourage you tocreate a budget if you haven't

(01:09:31):
already done so and.
See that budget as a form ofself care because once you do
that, like you understand thatyou're investing into your
future self because you careabout yourself and we're not
just living for the here and now

coming in at number 22, this is still
connected to like moneyfinancial matters.
Multiple streams of income asthe key to freedom.
You need to build them, you needto create different avenues,
especially in 2025.
I personally don't think thatit's enough to rely on your one

(01:10:04):
paycheck from your job.
Even if you get paid well,everyone, including
entrepreneurs and employees,should consider developing
multiple streams of income forthemselves because we just don't
know what's gonna happen.
I mean, we know we are living invery interesting times, so
having income from varioussources can really help hedge

(01:10:27):
the risk of layoffs, forexample, or economic downturn or
unexpected expenses becauselife.
Is going to continue life and wenever know what is going to come
up.
Number 23.
Investing in yourself is never awaste of money.
I recognize that there may besome true barriers to fully
investing in yourself, and sounderstand that like those

(01:10:49):
barriers are real, they exist.
Money can prevent you frominvesting in yourself.
Time may prevent you frominvesting in yourself.
But kind of going back to thatsame lesson that I talked about
in regards to relationships withother people, like if they
wanted to, they would.
Same thing for yourself.
You have to think about yourrelationship with self as one of

(01:11:09):
the most important relationshipsyou will ever have.
And so it's like if you wantedto, you would.
And once again, not foregoingthe real barriers and real
parameters that can preventpeople from investing in
themselves, maybe to thecapacity or the extent that they
would like to.
That is real.
I think there are workaroundsand like we can get really

(01:11:31):
creative and nifty when we needto if we have to.
We will find ways to pour intoourselves and invest into
ourselves.
And I think the real issuebecomes not like, oh, can I
afford to invest in myself or doI have the time to invest in
myself?
The question really is do Ivalue the investment into
myself?

(01:11:51):
do I actually think I'm worth itbecause often when we make these
excuses around not having X, Y,Z it is more a limiting belief
that we're carrying with us forwhatever reason.
And so you kind of have to dowork around that first, or
question okay, is this thingthat I say I wanna do worth the
investment?
Because if it really were, whydo I keep making excuses so.

(01:12:13):
Just a reminder that it is nevera bad idea to invest in
ourselves, but maybe get superclear around what you deem a
true investment or worthy of theinvestment.
number 24, listen to your mom.
Listen to mom.
She was right.

(01:12:34):
I know this is not applicablefor everyone, but this is
certainly applicable for me.
My mom was right about almosteverything, if not everything.
If you have a healthy mom and ahealthy relationship with your
mom, it's like she knowssometimes before you recognize,
and in adolescence and even intoyoung adulthood, to be honest,
like I.
Spent so much time trying todisprove what my mom said or

(01:12:57):
reject her ideas or, yeah,fight, right?
It's like, no, I'm gonna be myown person.
Like you're wrong.
And my mom would share just somany like gems with me.
And I would sometimes do theopposite just for the sake of
rebelling or whatever thing Ifelt I had to do to be my own
person, to make my own mark onthe world.
But like, yeah, she was right.

(01:13:17):
She was right about people.
My mom has a sixth sense for.
Sussing out some relationshipsthat weren't right for me.
Friends or romantic.
Like she's said things and I'vebeen like, what are you talking
about, mom?
Like, you just want her to bewrong, but like, dammit, you
know, she's right.
Yeah.
Your mom was right.
And another beautiful thingabout my mom and most moms, I

(01:13:40):
would hope at least they wantthe best for their kids.
And it doesn't mean that youhave to listen or follow
everything that your mom says.
It's just like, usually she'sright.
So just keep that in mind.
Okay.
25.
Listen to your gut.
Listen to your intuition.
Speaking of listening to people,you need to listen to yourself.

(01:14:00):
That sixth sense is alsoapplicable for you, and
especially when you quitdrinking.
You have more clarity, you havemore sense of self that inner
knowing, and so you can tap intothat energy a lot easier.
Don't ignore those signs.
Don't ignore those feelings.
They are telling you somethingfor a reason.
Especially when you're aroundother people.
Those are giving you clues as tomaybe what you consciously can't

(01:14:24):
pick up on in that moment.
Okay, number 26

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your gut health affects your mood
more than you think.
And your gut will talk to younot, just like intuitively
speaking, it will also tell youwhen something is not sitting
well with you physically.
I didn't recognize how much yourgut can impact your mood and
your mental wellbeing.
There's something called the gutbrain axis, which is like this

(01:15:33):
two-way communication pathwayand gut bacteria, because we
know we have good and badbacteria, but gut bacteria in
particular can influence yourneurotransmitter production,
which impacts your mood, stress,and anxiety.
So like knowing that now, likeunderstanding that two-way
communication that existsbetween my brain and my gut this

(01:15:53):
is not isolated, but theyconstantly communicate via the
nervous system.
As well as like the endocrinesystem and your metabolic
system, immune system, all ofthose collectively work together
in the gut-brain axis.
Once I realized that, I waslike, oh, okay.
I need to get serious abouteverything, and something else
that's super, relevant here thatI didn't recognize, related to

(01:16:17):
the gut and mental health andyour mood.
Did you know that a significantportion of your body's serotonin
actually originates in the gut?
your serotonin or serotonin inthe hormone is you're happy.
Hormone.
The good, happy hormone, notdopamine, like the one that's
more long lasting.
So that originates in your gut.

(01:16:38):
So that's another reason why itis so important to have a
balanced or healthy gut.

Number 27, stop waiting for motivation.
It is fleeting, it isunreliable.
Discipline, however, isunyielding and you can force
yourself to follow through.
If I had waited until I wasmotivated to quit drinking, I
would still be drinking.
Okay?

(01:17:06):
I would still be drinking.
Sometimes you really do have tojust force yourself to follow
through.
I mean, things are going to comeup in life that get in our way.
get in the way of your goals.
I mean, and that's no reason tolet them stop you completely.
So, for example, if you can't doa whole run, do half of one.
If you don't have time to go tothe gym, do pushups.

(01:17:27):
If you can't fully commit tosobriety, moderate, any action
is better than inaction is whatI mean here.
Discipline is the ultimatemotivation tool.
Not the other way around.
Like you can't wait to bemotivated, to be disciplined,
like you have to be disciplinedand that will motivate you.

28.
You don't have to punish yourbody with exercise.
Find movement that brings youjoy.
If you're somebody who doesn'tlike to move your body, that's
not true.
You need to change thatnarrative.
It's simply the fact that youhaven't found the right movement
for you yet, having an able bodyis so beautiful and we should

(01:18:08):
celebrate that and be gratefulfor that.
And aging, you know, birthdays,this is what prompted this
episode, like aging reminds usthat Things are not always going
to function the way in whichthey currently work and
function.
And so I want to do as muchmaintenance as possible to
prevent some damage down theline.
And a big part of that is bymoving my body in healthy ways.

(01:18:31):
And so healthy ways for me lookslike less cardio.
Like I was cardio queen becauseI wanted to maintain a certain
size or weight, and now I'mlike, I can't be doing all that
wear and tear.
Six, seven days a week like, no,I need to like have a consistent
routine that makes more sense tomoving my body at this current
age and since I have been morekind to myself and to my body, I

(01:18:56):
have actually seen more benefitsand those slight changes that
I've made, healthy changes thatI've made, and overall looking
and feeling better.

Number 29, no matter where you go,
there you are.
Mm.
This one is something I remindmyself often, no matter where
you go, there you are.
No matter where you go, thereyou are, is just a reminder that
true change comes from withinand not from necessarily

(01:19:35):
changing your environment.
I think most people interpretthis quote too, like no matter
where you go, there you are asnegative.
Like, oh, I can't outrun myself.
I can't escape myself.
But also it's a beautiful thingbecause it also can remind us
that no matter where you go inthe world, you can't lose
yourself because you are alwayswith yourself.
I don't know, like a littlepositive reframe there.
But yeah, no matter where yougo, there you are.

(01:19:58):
Number 30.
This is something I'm constantlyreminding myself.
Rest is productive and sleep isa love language.
You need to prioritize it.
I'm not gonna spend too muchtime here.
Burnout is real.
I am not someone who gets a lotof sleep and that's not.
Brag that is a problem and I'mworking on it.

(01:20:20):
So you need to give yourselfpermission to rest and it is
productive to rest.
Number 31, solo travel wouldteach you more about yourself
than any self-help book.
I love solo travel.
It is one of my favorite typesof trips to take, and I have

(01:20:41):
learned so much about myselfthrough solo travel.
My recommendation for anyone,because people think it's weird.
Like my friends are like,Nadine, I don't understand how
you go to these places byyourself, but I don't understand
how people have never taken asolo trip.
I'm like, what?
And it doesn't have to be tolike these foreign exotic lands,

(01:21:03):
although I'm happy to do that.
It does not have to be anywheresuper far.
It can be even like the townover.
I think it's really just ahealthy exercise to stretch your
comfort level by going somewhereby yourself.
And why are we so afraid tolike.
Take a trip by ourselves.

And on that note, number 32, not
every trip needs to be aspiritual awakening, okay?
Sometimes you just need to eatgood food.
Nap.
Sometimes you just need to goaway for the plot.
So use that PTO and book a tripeven if you just want to eat
good pasta in Italy for theweekend

number 33.
Feeling lost does not mean thatyou're failing.
It just means that you areevolving.
You are in between two versionsof yourself and that in-between
space, it can feel.
Like uncertainty.

(01:22:03):
It can feel like stagnation,like nothing's moving, like
you're questioning everything.
But trust this growth neverfeels like growth when you're in
it.
So instead of resisting thattransition, try leaning in, ask
yourself better questions, likeget curious about what's next.
You don't have to have it allfigured out right now.

(01:22:26):
here are some questions you canask yourself if you're feeling
lost or if you're feeling stuck,question one is, what's
something I've been resistingthat might be leading me
forward?
Number two, what version of meis this moment asking me to
become?
And then number three is how canI support myself while I figure
things out?
These are great questions tojournal if you feel like you're

(01:22:48):
in that transition phase oflife, something that you've been
resisting, something that.
This moment is asking or callingyou to become a version of self,
and then how you can supportyourself along that journey.

And number 34.
The best years of your lifearen't behind you.
They're happening now.
You have to create the rest ofyour life.
Life is not a rehearsal.
I.
Every day is a new show.
There's no repeats, there's norewinds.
Our past is like an old movie.

(01:23:25):
It's comforting, it's familiar,but it's not now and the now.
That's where we are currently.
Like we're alive.
I truly believe in the power oftoday.
It's not just another day.
It's a new chance.
It's a new adventure.
So let's not get caught up onyesterday's victories or
failures.
They're gone.
Today is our day.

(01:23:46):
Let's own it.
That goes back to my best casescenario, journaling that I did
this year for my 34th birthday,like I'm creating the best year
of my life, baby.
I'm not even joking with youguys.
Like this is going to be thebest year of my life because I'm
going to make it the best I willleave on this note because I

(01:24:07):
think like, yes, it sounds veryfluffy and exciting to be like,
yeah, this is gonna be the bestyear of my life.
But how, Nadine, how are yougonna make this the best year of
your life?
Well, I.
Change happens with youreveryday routine, with the
actions that you take on aday-to-day basis.
So transforming my life requiresme to transform my everyday

(01:24:28):
habits.
I'm prepared to do that.
I am currently doing that.
So keep that in mind.
We can create the best years ofour life.
They are ahead of us if wechoose to lean into that and
build that and grow into that.
But we have to take action on aday-to-day basis.
so on the macro level, yes, likethis is going to be the best

(01:24:48):
year of my life, but on agranular level, I'm taking daily
steps

=there it is.
34 things I've learned in 34years.
Some of these lessons took meyears to figure out, and some I
am still learning.
But if there's one thing I knowfor sure, life keeps surprising
me, and as much as birthdays canfeel weird, there are also a
chance to pause and honor wherewe've been, where we are and

(01:25:14):
where we are going.
So thank you guys for listeningto this week's episode of the
podcast.
I actually have a birthdayrequest.
Please take one of these lessonsand apply it this week.
Maybe it's setting a boundary.
Maybe it's booking that solotrip.
Maybe it's just letting yourselfrest.
And if this podcast hasresonated with you, I would love
for you to share it with afriend or leave a birthday

(01:25:37):
review on Apple Podcast Spotify,or your favorite.
Listening platform.
That would be truly the bestbirthday gift ever.
Thank you butterflies for beinghere.
Thank you for being a part of myjourney and cheers to another
year of growth lessons andliving fully sober and free.

(01:25:57):
I'll see you next week.

Bye.

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