June 13, 2025 • 42 mins
Nadine drops three confessions that prove sobriety is not a linear path, it’s a lifelong journey of self-awareness, accountability, and grace.
📢 Trigger warning: This episode discusses mental health, relapse, and addiction in a raw, unfiltered way.
This episode is an invitation to get real about the messy, nonlinear truth of recovery. Sobriety doesn’t make you perfect, but it gives you the clarity and courage to own your sh*t, forgive yourself, and start again.
What You’ll Hear:
- How addictive thoughts can sneak in quietly...even in the most random places
- Why therapy plateaus can signal deeper shifts in your healing journey
- The complicated feelings around relapse, shame, and recommitting to change
- A reminder that progress, not perfection is the real goal
🎧 Listen now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube!
Connect with TSB 🦋
- Follow Nadine on Instagram @the.soberbutterfly @soberbutterflypodcast
Resources Mentioned in the Episode 📘
✨ If it resonates, share with a friend, and don’t forget to rate and review to help us grow the sober community.
Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services refereed to in this episode.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_2_0 (00:00):
Forgive me butterflies for I have
sinned.
the-sober-butterfly_5_06 (00:04):
Hello.
Hello butterflies.
It's Nadine and you arelistening to the Sober butterfly
Podcast where we talk all thingsalcohol, free living, healing,
growth, and yes, the messy,imperfect progress in between.
So I'm calling this oneConfessions of an Alcoholic
because coming up to almost fouryears of sobriety, I still get
(00:28):
reminded loud, and clear, that Iam not immune to the mental
gymnastics of addiction.
So in this solo episode, I'msharing three big confessions,
three things I've been carryingthat I need to say out loud.
Like, I need to get this off mychest because I believe in
telling the truth.
I have to remind myself this isabout honesty, and if you've
(00:51):
ever found yourself wondering,you know, am I still doing the
work or am I just avoiding thenext layer of it?
Then this episode is for you.
Last week on the show, I talkedextensively around just
basically being sick insobriety.
So this is kind of like anunofficial part two of that,
because in unveiling some ofthose.
(01:14):
Toxic traits that I stillexhibit and I'm still working on
and through.
I realize that I have, I have tolike push it a little bit
further and get a bit moregranular about the things that
I've been holding onto that areI.
Shameful.
I'll be honest, like I, I am notproud of these confessions, but
(01:35):
I find that in releasing them, Ican actually start to do the
real healing and the real work.
So grab your favoritenon-alcoholic bevy and let's
talk about what it means to staysober.
Stay honest and stay human intoday's episode.
Confessions of an Alcoholic.
Let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_6_06-12- (01:57):
so confession number one.
Without further ado, I am analcoholic.
Pause for a dramatic reaction.
Yeah, you probably knew that I'man alcoholic, but guys I
recently realized that truly Iam an alcoholic I have
oscillated back and forth withthis term alcoholic for a number
of years.
(02:18):
Am I an alcoholic?
What does that actually mean?
I've explored this topic prettyextensively on the podcast
around like how there is nospecific metric that.
Determines that you are analcoholic.
Quite literally, if you go to adoctor or if you go to an
inpatient program or whatever itmay be like there is no one
indicator.
There are of course symptoms andsigns that we can look for, but
(02:40):
for the most part, you have todefine yourself as an alcoholic.
And when I was getting sober andin the early stages of my sober
journey, I would attend AAmeetings, and you probably know
whether you're sober or not.
Like a big part of AA is.
Admitting or surrendering tothis idea that you are an
alcoholic.
(03:00):
Like, hello, my name is Nadineand I'm an alcoholic, and for
the first part of my time in aa,like I had.
An impossible time conceivingthis notion that I was an
alcoholic, but I kind of justwent with it because everyone
told me trust the process.
Somewhere in the middle of myjourney in recovery spaces like
(03:21):
aa, I started to believe, oh,actually like I am an alcoholic.
And then in terms of where I amtoday with that term.
I have landed somewhere inbetween, like, yes, I know I'm
an alcoholic, and I would saythat, but then there was like a
little asterisk, a little likestar, like a conditional
statement, like, yes, I'm analcoholic.
But do I really believe and I aman alcoholic?
(03:44):
Or am I just saying that BecauseI know that my relationship with
alcohol is very convoluted, it'svery toxic.
It is not something that I cansuccessfully manage.
Therefore, I would rather justtake on that, you know, label
saying that I'm an alcoholic toprevent myself from.
(04:05):
Deluding myself or likebelieving that I'm capable of
handling a healthy relationshipwith alcohol.
I personally don't think thatlike there can be a healthy
relationship with a toxicsubstance, but I digress.
So anyway, I've had some likestrange sentiments around like
truly identifying as analcoholic.
But yeah, I'll say I'm analcoholic because why not?
(04:25):
Like, I'd rather say that thanpretend that I have control over
my drug of choice, which isalcohol anyway.
This past week, I realized.
I really am an alcoholic, andhere's the thing.
the-sober-butterfly_7_06-12-2 (04:41):
I feel confident in my sobriety I
feel good, I can go to bars, Ican go to the club.
I can participate in nightlifeactivities.
I can be in the streets andstill feel as though I have
control, I trust myself.
(05:02):
I guess it's self-trust.
I feel like while I don'trecommend for other people,
especially in early sobriety, tohang out at the bar or like be
around a bunch of peopledrinking all the time, like
personally it's not an issue.
It felt like a non-issue for meuntil recently.
I'm gonna just share a quickstory from my recent trip to
(05:23):
Iceland.
This is when I realized, yeah,like I am not done.
I am an alcoholic.
Like this is gonna be alifelong, I don't wanna say
battle, but that's the firstthing I thought of.
Like, it feels like a fight.
Um, it's gonna be a lifelong.
Pursuit.
My sobriety is not somethingthat I can take for granted.
(05:45):
I have recently realized, so letme tell you what happened.
I went to Iceland with my momlast week.
We had an amazing trip.
I have filmed a ton of content,so I will actually upload a vlog
from this Iceland trip with mymom.
It was the best mother-daughtertrip that we have ever taken,
(06:07):
and it is the firstmother-daughter trip that we've
taken sober together.
So the last time we traveledtogether was.
In the pandemic in 2021.
We went to Puerto Rico and itwas a good time.
I always have a good time withmy mom, but that experience
compared to now, like we wereboth drinking then compared to
today, it, it just feels like weare so much stronger.
(06:31):
We are so much more connected.
I'm gonna just save it for thevlog, so our last day in Iceland
was a Sunday.
My mom had an earlier flightthan me, so she went to the
airport first thing in themorning on Sunday, and I, you
know, had a day to myselfbasically in Nik.
Then later in the afternoon, Imade my way to Vic.
(06:55):
International airport and when Igot to the airport, I had
buffered enough time for me todo some shopping.
Like I.
Wanted to pick up someknickknacks for friends and
loved ones back home.
I like to gift people thingsfrom my travels.
What sorts of things is Icelandknown for?
They specialize in licorice.
(07:17):
I don't even like licorice, but.
Their licorice chocolate.
They put lots of licorice intheir chocolate and it was
delicious.
Had the most delicious breadever, so I picked up right bread
Iceland's known for their Vikingbeer.
Also Iceland's National drink isa drink called, um, Brevan.
I don't even know if I'mpronouncing that right, but, um,
(07:38):
I think it's called Brennan.
And my mom and I actually on dayone of our time in Iceland, did
a local walking tour and Nik andone of the spots we went to
trying different Icelandicfoods.
Was, um, a place where we hadfermented shark.
I do not recommend, but atradition that Icelandic people
(07:58):
follow is they will take apiece, a very small piece of
this Icelandic fermented shark,which smells worse than it
tastes, but like texture wise,just not good.
And then they follow it with ashot of Brein, which is also
known as Black Death.
So if that says anything, cool,we did not obviously take the
shot of the Black Death or thebrein.
(08:20):
Spirit.
I think the most common relativespirit wise would be like a
vodka or snaps and, um, yeah,didn't try it, but I think maybe
a seed was planted because, nowduty free and I'm seeing all
these people, you know, lookingat the alcohol and there was one
section where they have like thelittle mini bottles,, so the
(08:40):
shots basically and I'm seeingall these people like crowded
around the tower full ofdifferent alcoholic beverages,
shots, and I kind of mosey overthere.
And I don't know why, like I, Idon't know why, like I typically
never.
An unofficial rule of mine is Idon't buy alcohol, period.
(09:03):
I don't gift people alcohol.
Like that's just something thatI have unofficially made a rule
of mine.
If people wanna drink, fine, butlike I'm not gonna be the person
that's giving you a bottle ofwine.
Even if I'm coming over for yourhousewarming, you know, it just
has not been in my world for solong and I just don't believe in
doing that.
(09:23):
But for whatever reason, I foundmyself with everyone else
looking at the alcoholicbeverages and then I started to
like tell myself like, well.
What if I just got, you know,six bottles, I can throw it in
there I'm thinking about thespecific people I'm gifting
things to, and I'm like, okay,they have some sea salt, they
have some bread, they have somechocolate.
(09:44):
Maybe I can just throw in alittle, like Bren.
You know, like I'll just pick upsome bottles.
Like I'll make an exception tomy rule.
I mean, the only other exceptionto this rule is my grandma.
Um, I have given my grandmaalcoholic like little, little
mini bottles of alcohol fromtime to time.
Um, because I don't know guys,she's 90 Four or three.
(10:09):
Four and um, that's what shewants.
Like literally that's all mygrandma wants.
If you wanna gift her something,like she's not gonna appreciate
anything you give her unlessit's alcohol.
And that's not to throw shade tomy grandma.
Love my grandma.
More than anything.
That's just what it is.
That's the only person I've evergiven alcohol to.
So anyway back to this, so Istart like looking, reaching for
(10:29):
some of the mini bottles.
And placing them into my cart, Ihad like this insane feeling
come over me.
I would even say it was like apremonition.
'cause I, it was, there was avisual component to it as well.
This sounds crazy.
I know, but I promise you, Ijust had this premonition.
(10:49):
That's the best way I coulddescribe it.
I just saw myself unscrewing thecap.
I saw myself on the plane.
Smelling that strong odor hit mynose, taking a sip, just one, it
was so real.
It was just so insanely real.
(11:10):
I don't know if I would callthis like a craving.
Maybe it is.
I'm not trying to, you know,delude myself, but I don't wanna
say it was a craving because tome a craving implies that you
want it.
Like I did not want the alcohol.
And yet I could almost like playthe tape forward, I could see
myself drinking.
(11:31):
Um, so maybe that is a craving.
I don't know, what do you guysthink?
It just very clearly hit me likecold Icelandic air.
I am still an alcoholic.
I will always be an alcoholic.
I was an alcoholic.
I'm still an alcoholic.
I will always be an alcoholic.
I don't trust myself to haveunsupervised time, unstructured
(11:53):
time with these mini bottles.
Who knows what can happenbecause, and this is leading to
confession number two, I havebeen struggling with my mental
health.
So who's to say that I won'tdrink and why would I even want
to put myself in a positionwhere that reality could come
(12:15):
true?
The stakes are way too high.
I've invested so much into thisbeautiful life I've created,
co-created with my sobriety,with my higher power, with
myself, I have too much to lose,so I put it back.
So that's my first confession.
I did not drink, but I am verymuch an alcoholic and I realize
in.
This moment.
(12:36):
While it might not be a dailyoccurrence, even an annual
occurrence, I haven't felt likethis in a long time since year
one of my sobriety.
But I cannot escape alcohol andthis disease.
It's, it's truly a mentalfixation, whether it's conscious
(12:58):
or unconscious or subconscious.
It's something that is a part ofme and I think the more I accept
that as truth the betterequipped I will be to handle
something like that if it wereto come up again.
And that's the thing about.
Alcohol and I'm not in AA andhell, maybe I need to go to a
(13:21):
meeting.
I, that's something that's beenon my mind recently, but I
recall distinctly some of theverbiage used being, like the
cunning.
Baffling alcohol, right?
It's a very insidious substance.
And this disease is also equallycunning and baffling because
just when you think you're curedor you're healed or you're on
(13:43):
the up, a moment like that canreally ground you.
But I'm choosing to see this asa way that will serve me I think
so much of the issue that I takewith the term alcoholic is like,
here I go, just another notch onmy belt of crazy things that I
have going on in my brain.
(14:04):
But it can also be a superpower.
the-sober-butterfly_ (14:09):
Confession number two.
I am depressed.
Yeah.
I said it, I'm depressed and itis time for a change.
Okay.
This one is harder for me to sayout loud actually, and it's
because I've been in a low placementally for quite some time
(14:30):
now.
I.
I've touched on the subject onthe podcast.
My birthday, episode 34.
Lessons I've Learned before.
34 and Birthday Blues was thefirst time this year that I've
kind of talked openly about mymental health struggles.
but it is something that'spervaded throughout this year,
the better part of this year, ifI'm being honest.
And the reframe though, youknow, I am depressed.
(14:52):
I accept that, I admit it.
I've been feeling that for awhile.
It's not just like the ups anddowns of life and life, lifeing
and you know, all the chaos thatis currently going on in the
world.
It is this big feeling that Ihave, right?
Once again, my superpower.
I can feel and register loosefeelings accordingly now and
(15:14):
stop hiding from them.
But I have felt this way beforeand the feeling is like.
Something has got to give, likeI need a big shift.
and that's something on thescale of when I first got sober,
you know, when I first gotsober, I kept thinking I wanna
(15:35):
blow my life up.
And I, I think I even mentionedlast week on the podcast, like
I've been having that samefeeling again.
Like, I wanna blow my life up.
Um, I don't actually wanna blowmy life up.
Not in like that reckless way,but what I mean more so is like
I want to reinvent.
My life.
And that that reinvention, thattransformation.
(15:56):
Metamorphosis.
Butterflies is me beginning toprioritize my mental health
more.
I have implemented a lot ofpositive changes in my life to
aid with my mental healthstruggles, some of those
supports or strategies, toolsinclude therapy, journaling,
(16:19):
Daily workouts or moving my bodyinclude thinking intentionally
about how I nourish my body, andjust all of the things that I
can do within my control tobetter support my mental health.
But the truth is I could bedoing more and I need to be
doing more because.
I don't wanna say it's notworking.
(16:40):
Like all of the aforementionedthings, they work and I am not
walking around like from Winniethe Pooh, like, Hey, like, you
know, and I, and I think that'sthe hard part too, like
recognizing that my depressioncan look different, from
whatever we think depressionshould mirror.
But I need to kind of tighten upsome of the things that I know
(17:04):
work, but like I could be moreintentional and optimize them.
So one of the big things that Irecognize that I need to do,
which makes me veryuncomfortable is I need to get a
new therapist A big source ofdiscomfort around this topic of
finding a new therapist issimply because I feel like it
owes so much to my currenttherapist.
(17:27):
I got sober through aculmination of different things,
but the big catalyst for me wastherapy.
Going back to therapy.
And I've been working with thesame therapist since 2021,
January of 2021, so over fouryears My therapist saved my
life.
I know that's an extremestatement, but she helped me see
(17:48):
and admit that I had a problemwith alcohol.
And with men, so much toxicity.
She helped me get here and I'm aloyal person.
I am loyal to a fault.
I also think with.
My attachment style, being an ananxious attachment girly over
(18:09):
here.
I don't like to lose people thatI consider valuable in my life.
and she's helped me through somuch.
But lately, and when I saylately, I would say for over a
year, I feel like our work has.
Plateaued.
I adore her, but I'm starting tosee her more like an auntie or a
(18:34):
mentor, not necessarily someonepushing me to the next level of
growth.
And that is by no means herfault or my fault, but it is my
responsibility to takeinitiative and lead that next
charge in my life.
In sobriety we talk about losingpeople, losing friends,
(18:56):
drinking, acquaintances,whatever.
I have lost people in my lifesince getting sober.
I think it has less to do withme getting sober and just like
the natural evolution of lifeand lifestyle changes and what
that comes with.
Relationships have to evolve.
We have to evolve, and itdoesn't take away from.
(19:18):
Everything that someone hasgiven you.
My therapist has given me somuch, so many tools that I can
consistently work with and takewith me.
Um, but I do feel like there isan opportunity here for me to
grow further and push myself alittle bit more.
(19:39):
So I'm going to start the searchfor a new therapist and also in
that same breath, I feel like Ineed a renewed connection to my
higher power.
More prayer, more journaling,more honesty.
I've felt a bit of a spiritualdeficit as of late, and that is
(20:00):
something else that's kind oftugging at me.
It's this intuitive knowingthat, okay, a big shift needs to
happen.
A big change needs to happen.
I don't quite know exactly whatthat change is.
But I think that in getting anew therapist and working on my
spirituality more, learningmore, and exploring different
(20:25):
parts of myself, I'm hoping thatwill help me kind of break free
from the reins of depressionNow, my depression, like I said,
it's not this all encompassing.
I've been depressed before, so Iknow this, the scale of how
depressed I can feel.
It's not like this Level 10 on ascale from one to 10.
(20:45):
I've been at a 9.5 before.
I don't feel I.
Like I'm there.
Um, but that's the thing aboutdepression.
It's difficult to quantify.
I think qualitatively, I justrecognize too many signs and I'm
not in a place, I'm not antiantidepressants.
(21:06):
Um, I'm not against that.
Oh, really quickly.
Fun fact.
But I learned in Iceland.
Iceland they say is one of thehappiest places.
On the planet in the world.
And then I learned they alsohave the highest rates of
antidepressant administration inthe world as well.
So who would've thought the twocoincide?
Anyway, back to this.
(21:27):
I'm not saying I am antiantidepressant.
I've never takenantidepressants.
I just think that I could beworking through a lot more and
doing more on my end beforetaking that next step.
Instead of just defaulting totaking like an antidepressant.
Um, and that might seemdisjointed to you.
Um, the reason I bring upantidepressants here though is
(21:48):
because recently a friend saidto me, I confessed to her, um,
that I think I'm depressed.
And she was like.
Oh girl.
Yeah, get on someantidepressants.
And I kind of took offense tothat and I don't know why I took
offense to it because really I'mnot anti medication.
I feel like you have to takewhat you need and sometimes it's
(22:09):
chemical, right?
Sometimes there are imbalancesthat we just need to regulate,
and medicine helps with that.
I believe in science over here Ijust don't think I'm there yet.
And I don't think that it's tothat place where I have been
before.
'cause I have been, like I said,a lot more depressed chronically
over time than I'm feeling rightnow.
But I just recognize that likeit's not just seasonal
(22:32):
depression, like earlier thisyear.
I'm thinking, oh, it's dark,it's winter, it's all the
things, but you know, now it'sbeautiful outside and it's sunny
and it's about to be summer andI'm still kind of feeling low.
So yeah, working on that.
I will keep you all updated onmy quest.
To find another therapist, and Idon't even know if I'll actually
(22:54):
let my current therapist go.
Currently we are on a very looseschedule.
Like I don't meet with her,every single week.
Um, she's kind of.
I was gonna say promoted me, butmaybe demoted me.
She's kind of like, yeah, youdon't need to meet weekly.
And then summer it gets morecomplicated.
So I feel like this could serveas a clean break to find another
(23:15):
therapist and like still checkin with her on a monthly basis.
But also I'm like, okay, Nadine,like do you really need to keep
this person on retainer?
If you feel like you're notgetting as much out of it, but I
love her so much and I don'tknow, I'm gonna keep you guys
posted clearly.
I'm like on the fence about thistopic.
I know I need a new therapist.
I just don't need know if I needto get rid of my current one.
(23:36):
Or maybe I could like ask her tobe my mentor or my friend.
I can't ask her to be my auntie,even though I kind of feel like
she's already like giving majorauntie vibes, like she's in my
council of women that I adoreand trust and confide in, but
I'm like, I don't know.
I have to find a way to keep herin my life I'm self-aware guys.
I am an anxious attachmentgirly, so I know how that
(23:57):
sounds.
But I can't lose her.
I gotta have her.
Anyway, I'll keep you guysupdated this summer as I look
for.
Another mode of therapy I amthinking about going back to if
FS therapy, internal familysystems, um, because that is
probably the most uncomfortableI've ever felt in therapy.
Which, what do we know aboutdiscomfort?
(24:18):
We know that's where the growthtakes place.
So I, I think that is probablythe type of therapy that I'm
going to pursue and explore somemore.
the-sober-butterfly_10_06 (24:32):
Okay.
This is the confession I've beenavoiding.
I'm just gonna say it.
I have been smoking cigarettessince last summer.
Summer 2024.
Yeah, I know.
I told myself it wasn't aproblem.
(24:54):
I told myself I could stopwhenever, but here I am, almost
coming up to my year anniversaryof smoking cigarettes.
I think two people, know that Ismoke cigarettes.
But who knows?
Maybe more.
Maybe I'm not doing a good jobof hiding this as much as I
thought I was.
(25:14):
Um, but I.
I, yeah, I've been smokingcigarettes for almost a year.
It's insane to admit that outloud.
And I am still smokingcigarettes like today smoked a
cigarette.
This is very recent and I amgoing to just keep it real with
you guys.
It has become a problem, um, aproblem because.
(25:37):
I say I can quit, but I haven't.
And I think that, okay, let megive you a little bit more
context in my history withtobacco.
The first time I smokedcigarettes or tobacco, let me
back up, like tobacco.
I used to smoke black and miles.
(25:59):
It's crazy black and miles in.
College, like freshman year,like my friends and I would get
drunk and then we'd go buy ablack and mile would tip and
smoke.
It after a long night ofpartying, if we weren't passed
out, we'd pass the blunt or passthe black and mild around and
yeah, so I.
(26:20):
Would do that, but like thatwasn't like an everyday
occurrence.
And then I remember distinctlysummer, my sophomore year of
college, one of my girlfriendscoming back to school like this
is tail end of summer with alittle smoking habit that she
picked up from her sister.
And then we started to smokepacks of cigarettes.
(26:42):
And once again, it wasn't likean everyday thing, but it was
something that we did.
And it was something that we didin secrecy because it was gross
and we knew it.
And so we definitely didn't wantpeople to judge us or see us,
you know, smoking cigarettes andanother like little layer or
nuance here.
(27:03):
As a black woman.
Going to a historically blackcollege, it was unheard of for
the most part that black girls,especially the type of black
girls we were.
Which I'm not gonna get intohere, but like we were very like
prissy.
Like even though we were partygirls, like we weren't the type
of girls that ever wanted to beassociated with something dirty,
(27:24):
like smoking cigarettes.
Like that was just trashy.
And we cared very much aboutappearances.
I know this soundscontradictory, considering we
would be like the crazy, wild,drunk girls, but like we did
care about our image and we diddef definitely did not wanna
give off the aura of someonewho.
Smoked cigarettes, so we wouldhide it.
So like, once again, that was anintroduction to how my smoking
(27:47):
career began.
Something I would do when I wasdrunk, hiding it.
Now, fast forward, throughout mytwenties in New York, same kind
of thing.
Like I wasn't buying like packsof cigarettes on a regular
basis.
I would mostly.
Go out, drink, crave thatcigarette.
Oh my God.
You wanna talk about that?
Perfect hit.
(28:07):
And I hope this is nottriggering.
Sorry if it is, but for me itwas like I was always in search
of that equilibrium.
In my mind it was like thatcombination of I'm just drunk
enough on the cusp of maybe likeblackout and.
Now I'm hitting that cigaretteand ooh, it just sends me over
(28:28):
the edge.
Like, I loved that feeling.
And so I would, you know, lookfor that, search for that, and
do it, um, and find it withevery puff, then in the
pandemic, my smoking escalated.
It went from a drunk pastime toan everyday occurrence living in
Mexico City.
A lot of people smokedcigarettes and you could even
(28:49):
smoke inside, which was crazy tome.
I felt like I was in.
I don't know, like in the 1990sin New York City, when I would,
you know, watch episodes of Sexin the City, I'm like, oh my
God, we're smoking indoors.
And even the weight servicestaff would, you know, light
your cigarettes for you.
Imagine you're in this beautifulritzy restaurant, rooftop, and.
(29:12):
You go to light a cigarette andbefore you can even reach for
your freaking lighter, a wayerrushes over and lights it for
you.
It was like a movie.
And so anyway, I used to smoke alot in Mexico City and when I
came back to the States, when Imoved back officially, I was
like, okay, gotta kick thishabit.
And I did successfully, I wasable to quit smoking without any
(29:35):
reinforcements for the mostpart.
I also got sober like a monthlater, a month and change later.
That also helped, now betweenthen.
So between summer 2021 when Igot sober to last summer, 2024,
I still smoked from time totime, but it was like a summer
(29:58):
thing.
But I did, I can't reallyexplain it like I was a summer
smoker.
I know this sounds crazy we'veadmitted that I'm an alcoholic.
The alcoholic brain, you know,wants substances.
Like we convince ourselves thatwe can handle things.
And so I would go on these tripsand like, oh, I'm in another
country.
I wanna unwind a bit.
(30:18):
I'm not gonna drink, so I'llhave a cigarette on the beach.
Why not?
And especially when you travelto different places, different
cultures, different countries,whether that be Europe or Latin
America, the perception aroundsmoking isn't as, um, negative
I'll say as it is here in thestates.
Like I feel like if I smoke acigarette, people are judging
(30:39):
me, like, um, very clearlyjudging me.
Like a guy will not talk to meif he was checking for me
before.
If he sees me light thatcigarette up, like.
Immediately disqualified.
And that's fine.
I know that.
And so that has prompted me tohide my smoking.
Um, but anyway, so last summer Iwas, you know, doing my summer
smoking thing, traveling throughGreece and Turkey.
(31:02):
And especially in Turkey.
Oh my God.
I was like chain smoking.
And I think a part of that was.
If I'm being honest,'cause thisis a fricking confessional.
I like how I feel when I smokecigarettes, especially in
combination with stimulants likecoffee.
Nicotine is a stimulant, right?
So that in combination with acup of black coffee, I feel like
(31:26):
I, you know, I just took alittle bump, you know, I'm like
up here.
And that feeling was somethingthat I was chasing.
It was a feeling that I enjoyed.
I smoked a lot in Turkey.
I was.
You know, around people thatsmoked a lot.
Not my traveling companions, butlike just culturally speaking.
And I was like, I'm having agood time.
I'm gonna quit when I go back toreality.
(31:48):
When I get back to New York,when I go back to work.
Like obviously I'm not gonnakeep smoking.
But then I kept smoking and thenI was like, oh.
I like the feeling.
I, I don't know.
I kept smoking.
I like the feeling.
And, you know, that justprompted me to continue this.
(32:08):
Trajectory and then I toldmyself, you know, even going
into 2025, well, I'm not gonnasmoke in 2025.
Of course not.
It's winter, it's cold.
Like I don't have to go outsideto smoke a cigarette.
Like, who's gonna do that in thesnow?
And, you know, who did it?
Me, me.
Then it turned into like, Ialways have mints and I always
have.
(32:30):
Body spray and perfume to untilthe scent.
Oh it's not a problem'cause I'monly smoking like two or three
cigarettes a day.
I am not like chain smoking.
Like I'll have one in themorning and then I'll have one
after work and then maybe I'llsqueeze one in more in after
dinner., If I go on a trip, youknow, I smoke more cigarettes
'cause it's unstructured timeand I think people don't know.
I hope people don't know.
I hope I don't smell like smoke.
I don't, I don't know.
That's the thing.
I don't know.
Um, I.
(32:50):
Going back to those like closepeople that know I smoke.
I hide it and that's how I knowI have a problem, right?
Like I'm hiding my smoking.
One of my best friends knowsthat I smoke because she
sometimes smokes.
Um, she's a casual smoker, soI'm like, girl, like we're gonna
have the cigarette togetheraside from that, I've been
hiding it from, you know, peoplethat I spend a lot of time with.
Like, we can go on a triptogether and you won't know.
(33:13):
More recently, this trip that Itook with my mom, I was smoking
cigarettes.
I don't think she knows.
When she hears this episode, shewill know and I will ask her did
she know?
And I'll let you guys know whatshe says, but I don't think she
knew, I, you know, pop outsideto make a phone call or like,
oh, I'm just gonna go for a walkto catch in the air.
Meanwhile, I'm fucking chainsmoking, excuse my language
(33:36):
anyway, not chain smoking, likeI'll have a cigarette.
I didn't bring cigarettes withme on this trip, so I didn't
have them.
And there was a day where we hadan early morning pickup to do
like a 10 hour tour aroundIceland.
I wanted to get a quick workoutin before we.
(33:57):
Went on this tour on a bus inthe car all day.
So I did my workout.
By the time I finished myworkout, I had to shower and
immediately we had to leave forthe pickup.
I didn't have time to buycigarettes.
And so on this tour, sitting inthe car, you know we got picked
up at 8:00 AM.
Now it's 10:00 AM and I have hadmy morning cigarette and I
(34:20):
started to experiencewithdrawal, which is why I am
being honest here and saying I'mgonna quit smoking cigarettes
because I started to get alittle cranky.
Um, I was, I, I, I was agitated.
I mean, that's just it.
I was agitated and we stopped ata rest stop.
(34:42):
For a bathroom break and forpeople to, you know, buy snacks.
So we had like a 15 minute reststop break.
And so my mom goes to use thebathroom and I'm like, oh, I'm
just gonna make a phone call.
Lie, i.
Didn't want anyone to see,definitely didn't want my mom to
see me smoking.
Definitely didn't wanna anyoneon the bus that I was with to
see me smoking.
I was embarrassed.
So I pulled around the side ofthis like rest stop area.
(35:05):
So I just wanted you to imaginelike a gas station.
So there's an indoor conveniencestore part.
So I pull around the side'causelike in the front, all the buses
are parked, everyone can seewhat's going on.
I see this man smoking acigarette so I becking him over.
I call this man over trying tobe slick with it, and I'm like,
Hey sir, can, can I have acigarette?
Don't want my mom to see.
(35:26):
I was like, I promise I'm ofage.
'cause he must think that I'mlike a child at this point.
And he's like, no, no, I get it.
He's like, I have to get mypackets on the bus.
Make this man go all the way tohis bus to get a cigarette, walk
it back over to me'cause I can'tbe caught, you know, doing this
exchange.
He walks over, lights mycigarette up, and then I hide by
(35:46):
the side, literally by thedumpster smoking a cigarette.
It just reminds me of thatepisode of Sex in the City where
Carrie is first dating Aiden andhe tells her a non-negotiable is
smoking.
She's like, no problem.
I can quit whenever I want.
I like this guy.
It's time.
And so she tries to quit smokingand they go on this amazing date
that runs into like hours ofthem spending time together.
(36:10):
And she is feeing.
And that was me Feeing for thatfricking hit of nicotine.
And as soon as the date is over,she can't wait to get rid of
him.
Um, literally had like anemergency cigarette.
In her purse at the bottom ofher purse and goes to light it
up, it like falls on the floorand she's like literally
crouched over like a frickingcrazy addict trying to light the
(36:34):
cigarette that has fallen on thefloor, like blowing it off and
inhaling.
And then Aidan walks back aroundthe corner and he's like.
Carrie, uh, I forgot why he wentback, but yeah, that was me
basically.
Only thing is I didn't getcaught, so I'm outing myself
here.
I didn't get caught, but likethen I had to go into the gas
station and wash my hands and.
(36:57):
Buy some gum and spray myself,and then I'm worried like, oh my
God, we're in a small space.
Like, does my mom smell this?
And so I'm just done, you guys,I'm just so done.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't continue smokingcigarettes.
It's not good for you.
Did you know that?
Did you know smoking cigarettesaren't good for you?
(37:18):
But beyond that, it's giving.
Addict.
Okay.
It's giving how my brain wasworking with alcohol, like me
trying to moderate, I'm justtired.
The mental gymnastics, I'm, I'msick of it.
I'm sick of smoking, so I amgoing to, I.
Try differently this timebecause I've quit before.
I've quit cold Turkey.
(37:39):
I don't even know if I can quitcold tur Turkey this time, if
I'm being honest.
I haven't felt motivated enough,I guess, to really try.
Like I've gone days withoutsmoking.
I.
I can't wait to smoke again.
Um, and that's kind of how Ifelt when I was trying to quit
drinking slash moderating.
It was like, yeah, I can havetwo drinks, but I'm not enjoying
(38:01):
this.
This is not fun for me.
So I am gonna use that data fromIceland to really help me quit
for good this time, like I don'tever wanna go back again.
I don't want summer 2026 to rollaround and be like, oh, this is
my smoking summer and I'm gonnaquit once I get back to work.
And no, I'm gonna quit for goodforever.
(38:23):
This is day zero'cause I haven'tquit yet.
Um, but I've ordered.
All of the things to help methis time.
I've ordered patches, nicotinepatches, the nicotine gum.
I've downloaded Alan Carr, howto Quit Smoking, whatever that
book is called.
I'm gonna listen to it today.
I've had some guests of the showswear by this book.
(38:44):
Alan Carr has, you know, how toquit smoking, how to quit
drinking, how to Quit vaping.
How to Quit Emotional Eating,like Apparently this book.
Changes lives.
And so I'm gonna try it becausewhat the freak do I have to
lose?
I have nothing to lose.
Everything to gain, and I'm justsick of this dirty little secret
that I know is disgusting.
And I just, I don't know.
(39:06):
I'm like, I hope people don'tknow.
But also I'm like, if they know,they know.
Like now they're definitelygonna know.
But I'm like, just wondering howgood I was actually at hiding
this, because unlike drinking.
Of course you can smell alcoholin someone's breath, but I just
feel like the nicotine, thesmoke, like I'm going, I'm
(39:27):
putting my hair up to smokecigarettes so that it doesn't
get on, get in my hair, youknow, I'm spraying myself so
that like, I hopefully don'tsmell like it and I'm just like,
this is gross.
Like I just don't wanna do thisanymore and it's expensive and
it ages you.
Okay.
I don't wanna look older than21.
Okay.
I'm joking.
I don't wanna look old though.
(39:47):
Um, unnecessarily, like I don'twant these fine lines to appear
and I don't think they have.
But who knows?
I could be on the fast track toaging because I keep smoking.
I'm gonna quit.
So I'll be giving you guysupdates all summer long.
This is something that I haveto.
Be open about, and it'sreminding me of why I started
(40:09):
the sober Butterfly like a monthinto my sober journey.
I created this platform, theInstagram page, so that I could
connect with other sober people.
Share my story, and inspirepeople hopefully along the way.
Also keeping and holding myselfaccountable.
And so that's why I am justgonna be honest and say like,
I'm at day zero.
(40:30):
I have an addiction to tobacco.
I am smoking.
No, I'm not a pack a day girly.
I average probably like threecigarettes a day, but this is a
problem for me.
Like I, I haven't quit and Iknow I need to.
And so, yeah, I'm just gonna putit out there and say that I am.
Perfectly flawed and I'm workingon fixing this imperfection
(40:54):
because it is something that Iknow can lead to, so many
unnecessary problems.
And yeah, I'm gonna stop.
Thank you guys for listening tomy Confession.
the-sober-butterfly_11_06-12 (41:12):
If you are struggling with your
mental health or if you've beenholding on to this like dirty
little secret that you're readyto let go I hope this serves as
a sign for you.
And also I hope you know thatyou are not alone.
You are allowed to be imperfect.
You're allowed to start over.
You are allowed to change yourmind about what you need, and
(41:36):
you're allowed to be human.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
someone who needs to hear it.
Please leave a review fivestars, please, and.
Make sure you also follow theSober Butterfly on Instagram at
the period Sober Butterfly andSober Butterfly podcast.
Everything is linked below inthe show notes for you.
(41:59):
subscribe to my YouTube channelbecause I'll be releasing my
sober vlog to Iceland trip withmy mom.
Iceland is otherworldly, trulyfeels like a different planet,
which is why so many, likedifferent sci-fi fantasy movies
are shot there.
So yeah, stay tuned with all thethings plug in.
And I'll keep you posted on myprogress all summer long.
(42:24):
I love you guys so much.
Until next time, be kind toyourself, be honest, and if you
are carrying a secret.
Maybe it's time to let it go.
I love you.
Bye.
Forgive me butterflies for I have
sinned.
the-sober-butterfly_5_06 (00:04):
Hello.
Hello butterflies.
It's Nadine and you arelistening to the Sober butterfly
Podcast where we talk all thingsalcohol, free living, healing,
growth, and yes, the messy,imperfect progress in between.
So I'm calling this oneConfessions of an Alcoholic
because coming up to almost fouryears of sobriety, I still get
(00:28):
reminded loud, and clear, that Iam not immune to the mental
gymnastics of addiction.
So in this solo episode, I'msharing three big confessions,
three things I've been carryingthat I need to say out loud.
Like, I need to get this off mychest because I believe in
telling the truth.
I have to remind myself this isabout honesty, and if you've
(00:51):
ever found yourself wondering,you know, am I still doing the
work or am I just avoiding thenext layer of it?
Then this episode is for you.
Last week on the show, I talkedextensively around just
basically being sick insobriety.
So this is kind of like anunofficial part two of that,
because in unveiling some ofthose.
(01:14):
Toxic traits that I stillexhibit and I'm still working on
and through.
I realize that I have, I have tolike push it a little bit
further and get a bit moregranular about the things that
I've been holding onto that areI.
Shameful.
I'll be honest, like I, I am notproud of these confessions, but
(01:35):
I find that in releasing them, Ican actually start to do the
real healing and the real work.
So grab your favoritenon-alcoholic bevy and let's
talk about what it means to staysober.
Stay honest and stay human intoday's episode.
Confessions of an Alcoholic.
Let's get into it.
the-sober-butterfly_6_06-12- (01:57):
so confession number one.
Without further ado, I am analcoholic.
Pause for a dramatic reaction.
Yeah, you probably knew that I'man alcoholic, but guys I
recently realized that truly Iam an alcoholic I have
oscillated back and forth withthis term alcoholic for a number
of years.
(02:18):
Am I an alcoholic?
What does that actually mean?
I've explored this topic prettyextensively on the podcast
around like how there is nospecific metric that.
Determines that you are analcoholic.
Quite literally, if you go to adoctor or if you go to an
inpatient program or whatever itmay be like there is no one
indicator.
There are of course symptoms andsigns that we can look for, but
(02:40):
for the most part, you have todefine yourself as an alcoholic.
And when I was getting sober andin the early stages of my sober
journey, I would attend AAmeetings, and you probably know
whether you're sober or not.
Like a big part of AA is.
Admitting or surrendering tothis idea that you are an
alcoholic.
(03:00):
Like, hello, my name is Nadineand I'm an alcoholic, and for
the first part of my time in aa,like I had.
An impossible time conceivingthis notion that I was an
alcoholic, but I kind of justwent with it because everyone
told me trust the process.
Somewhere in the middle of myjourney in recovery spaces like
(03:21):
aa, I started to believe, oh,actually like I am an alcoholic.
And then in terms of where I amtoday with that term.
I have landed somewhere inbetween, like, yes, I know I'm
an alcoholic, and I would saythat, but then there was like a
little asterisk, a little likestar, like a conditional
statement, like, yes, I'm analcoholic.
But do I really believe and I aman alcoholic?
(03:44):
Or am I just saying that BecauseI know that my relationship with
alcohol is very convoluted, it'svery toxic.
It is not something that I cansuccessfully manage.
Therefore, I would rather justtake on that, you know, label
saying that I'm an alcoholic toprevent myself from.
(04:05):
Deluding myself or likebelieving that I'm capable of
handling a healthy relationshipwith alcohol.
I personally don't think thatlike there can be a healthy
relationship with a toxicsubstance, but I digress.
So anyway, I've had some likestrange sentiments around like
truly identifying as analcoholic.
But yeah, I'll say I'm analcoholic because why not?
(04:25):
Like, I'd rather say that thanpretend that I have control over
my drug of choice, which isalcohol anyway.
This past week, I realized.
I really am an alcoholic, andhere's the thing.
the-sober-butterfly_7_06-12-2 (04:41):
I feel confident in my sobriety I
feel good, I can go to bars, Ican go to the club.
I can participate in nightlifeactivities.
I can be in the streets andstill feel as though I have
control, I trust myself.
(05:02):
I guess it's self-trust.
I feel like while I don'trecommend for other people,
especially in early sobriety, tohang out at the bar or like be
around a bunch of peopledrinking all the time, like
personally it's not an issue.
It felt like a non-issue for meuntil recently.
I'm gonna just share a quickstory from my recent trip to
(05:23):
Iceland.
This is when I realized, yeah,like I am not done.
I am an alcoholic.
Like this is gonna be alifelong, I don't wanna say
battle, but that's the firstthing I thought of.
Like, it feels like a fight.
Um, it's gonna be a lifelong.
Pursuit.
My sobriety is not somethingthat I can take for granted.
(05:45):
I have recently realized, so letme tell you what happened.
I went to Iceland with my momlast week.
We had an amazing trip.
I have filmed a ton of content,so I will actually upload a vlog
from this Iceland trip with mymom.
It was the best mother-daughtertrip that we have ever taken,
(06:07):
and it is the firstmother-daughter trip that we've
taken sober together.
So the last time we traveledtogether was.
In the pandemic in 2021.
We went to Puerto Rico and itwas a good time.
I always have a good time withmy mom, but that experience
compared to now, like we wereboth drinking then compared to
today, it, it just feels like weare so much stronger.
(06:31):
We are so much more connected.
I'm gonna just save it for thevlog, so our last day in Iceland
was a Sunday.
My mom had an earlier flightthan me, so she went to the
airport first thing in themorning on Sunday, and I, you
know, had a day to myselfbasically in Nik.
Then later in the afternoon, Imade my way to Vic.
(06:55):
International airport and when Igot to the airport, I had
buffered enough time for me todo some shopping.
Like I.
Wanted to pick up someknickknacks for friends and
loved ones back home.
I like to gift people thingsfrom my travels.
What sorts of things is Icelandknown for?
They specialize in licorice.
(07:17):
I don't even like licorice, but.
Their licorice chocolate.
They put lots of licorice intheir chocolate and it was
delicious.
Had the most delicious breadever, so I picked up right bread
Iceland's known for their Vikingbeer.
Also Iceland's National drink isa drink called, um, Brevan.
I don't even know if I'mpronouncing that right, but, um,
(07:38):
I think it's called Brennan.
And my mom and I actually on dayone of our time in Iceland, did
a local walking tour and Nik andone of the spots we went to
trying different Icelandicfoods.
Was, um, a place where we hadfermented shark.
I do not recommend, but atradition that Icelandic people
(07:58):
follow is they will take apiece, a very small piece of
this Icelandic fermented shark,which smells worse than it
tastes, but like texture wise,just not good.
And then they follow it with ashot of Brein, which is also
known as Black Death.
So if that says anything, cool,we did not obviously take the
shot of the Black Death or thebrein.
(08:20):
Spirit.
I think the most common relativespirit wise would be like a
vodka or snaps and, um, yeah,didn't try it, but I think maybe
a seed was planted because, nowduty free and I'm seeing all
these people, you know, lookingat the alcohol and there was one
section where they have like thelittle mini bottles,, so the
(08:40):
shots basically and I'm seeingall these people like crowded
around the tower full ofdifferent alcoholic beverages,
shots, and I kind of mosey overthere.
And I don't know why, like I, Idon't know why, like I typically
never.
An unofficial rule of mine is Idon't buy alcohol, period.
(09:03):
I don't gift people alcohol.
Like that's just something thatI have unofficially made a rule
of mine.
If people wanna drink, fine, butlike I'm not gonna be the person
that's giving you a bottle ofwine.
Even if I'm coming over for yourhousewarming, you know, it just
has not been in my world for solong and I just don't believe in
doing that.
(09:23):
But for whatever reason, I foundmyself with everyone else
looking at the alcoholicbeverages and then I started to
like tell myself like, well.
What if I just got, you know,six bottles, I can throw it in
there I'm thinking about thespecific people I'm gifting
things to, and I'm like, okay,they have some sea salt, they
have some bread, they have somechocolate.
(09:44):
Maybe I can just throw in alittle, like Bren.
You know, like I'll just pick upsome bottles.
Like I'll make an exception tomy rule.
I mean, the only other exceptionto this rule is my grandma.
Um, I have given my grandmaalcoholic like little, little
mini bottles of alcohol fromtime to time.
Um, because I don't know guys,she's 90 Four or three.
(10:09):
Four and um, that's what shewants.
Like literally that's all mygrandma wants.
If you wanna gift her something,like she's not gonna appreciate
anything you give her unlessit's alcohol.
And that's not to throw shade tomy grandma.
Love my grandma.
More than anything.
That's just what it is.
That's the only person I've evergiven alcohol to.
So anyway back to this, so Istart like looking, reaching for
(10:29):
some of the mini bottles.
And placing them into my cart, Ihad like this insane feeling
come over me.
I would even say it was like apremonition.
'cause I, it was, there was avisual component to it as well.
This sounds crazy.
I know, but I promise you, Ijust had this premonition.
(10:49):
That's the best way I coulddescribe it.
I just saw myself unscrewing thecap.
I saw myself on the plane.
Smelling that strong odor hit mynose, taking a sip, just one, it
was so real.
It was just so insanely real.
(11:10):
I don't know if I would callthis like a craving.
Maybe it is.
I'm not trying to, you know,delude myself, but I don't wanna
say it was a craving because tome a craving implies that you
want it.
Like I did not want the alcohol.
And yet I could almost like playthe tape forward, I could see
myself drinking.
(11:31):
Um, so maybe that is a craving.
I don't know, what do you guysthink?
It just very clearly hit me likecold Icelandic air.
I am still an alcoholic.
I will always be an alcoholic.
I was an alcoholic.
I'm still an alcoholic.
I will always be an alcoholic.
I don't trust myself to haveunsupervised time, unstructured
(11:53):
time with these mini bottles.
Who knows what can happenbecause, and this is leading to
confession number two, I havebeen struggling with my mental
health.
So who's to say that I won'tdrink and why would I even want
to put myself in a positionwhere that reality could come
(12:15):
true?
The stakes are way too high.
I've invested so much into thisbeautiful life I've created,
co-created with my sobriety,with my higher power, with
myself, I have too much to lose,so I put it back.
So that's my first confession.
I did not drink, but I am verymuch an alcoholic and I realize
in.
This moment.
(12:36):
While it might not be a dailyoccurrence, even an annual
occurrence, I haven't felt likethis in a long time since year
one of my sobriety.
But I cannot escape alcohol andthis disease.
It's, it's truly a mentalfixation, whether it's conscious
(12:58):
or unconscious or subconscious.
It's something that is a part ofme and I think the more I accept
that as truth the betterequipped I will be to handle
something like that if it wereto come up again.
And that's the thing about.
Alcohol and I'm not in AA andhell, maybe I need to go to a
(13:21):
meeting.
I, that's something that's beenon my mind recently, but I
recall distinctly some of theverbiage used being, like the
cunning.
Baffling alcohol, right?
It's a very insidious substance.
And this disease is also equallycunning and baffling because
just when you think you're curedor you're healed or you're on
(13:43):
the up, a moment like that canreally ground you.
But I'm choosing to see this asa way that will serve me I think
so much of the issue that I takewith the term alcoholic is like,
here I go, just another notch onmy belt of crazy things that I
have going on in my brain.
(14:04):
But it can also be a superpower.
the-sober-butterfly_ (14:09):
Confession number two.
I am depressed.
Yeah.
I said it, I'm depressed and itis time for a change.
Okay.
This one is harder for me to sayout loud actually, and it's
because I've been in a low placementally for quite some time
(14:30):
now.
I.
I've touched on the subject onthe podcast.
My birthday, episode 34.
Lessons I've Learned before.
34 and Birthday Blues was thefirst time this year that I've
kind of talked openly about mymental health struggles.
but it is something that'spervaded throughout this year,
the better part of this year, ifI'm being honest.
And the reframe though, youknow, I am depressed.
(14:52):
I accept that, I admit it.
I've been feeling that for awhile.
It's not just like the ups anddowns of life and life, lifeing
and you know, all the chaos thatis currently going on in the
world.
It is this big feeling that Ihave, right?
Once again, my superpower.
I can feel and register loosefeelings accordingly now and
(15:14):
stop hiding from them.
But I have felt this way beforeand the feeling is like.
Something has got to give, likeI need a big shift.
and that's something on thescale of when I first got sober,
you know, when I first gotsober, I kept thinking I wanna
(15:35):
blow my life up.
And I, I think I even mentionedlast week on the podcast, like
I've been having that samefeeling again.
Like, I wanna blow my life up.
Um, I don't actually wanna blowmy life up.
Not in like that reckless way,but what I mean more so is like
I want to reinvent.
My life.
And that that reinvention, thattransformation.
(15:56):
Metamorphosis.
Butterflies is me beginning toprioritize my mental health
more.
I have implemented a lot ofpositive changes in my life to
aid with my mental healthstruggles, some of those
supports or strategies, toolsinclude therapy, journaling,
(16:19):
Daily workouts or moving my bodyinclude thinking intentionally
about how I nourish my body, andjust all of the things that I
can do within my control tobetter support my mental health.
But the truth is I could bedoing more and I need to be
doing more because.
I don't wanna say it's notworking.
(16:40):
Like all of the aforementionedthings, they work and I am not
walking around like from Winniethe Pooh, like, Hey, like, you
know, and I, and I think that'sthe hard part too, like
recognizing that my depressioncan look different, from
whatever we think depressionshould mirror.
But I need to kind of tighten upsome of the things that I know
(17:04):
work, but like I could be moreintentional and optimize them.
So one of the big things that Irecognize that I need to do,
which makes me veryuncomfortable is I need to get a
new therapist A big source ofdiscomfort around this topic of
finding a new therapist issimply because I feel like it
owes so much to my currenttherapist.
(17:27):
I got sober through aculmination of different things,
but the big catalyst for me wastherapy.
Going back to therapy.
And I've been working with thesame therapist since 2021,
January of 2021, so over fouryears My therapist saved my
life.
I know that's an extremestatement, but she helped me see
(17:48):
and admit that I had a problemwith alcohol.
And with men, so much toxicity.
She helped me get here and I'm aloyal person.
I am loyal to a fault.
I also think with.
My attachment style, being an ananxious attachment girly over
(18:09):
here.
I don't like to lose people thatI consider valuable in my life.
and she's helped me through somuch.
But lately, and when I saylately, I would say for over a
year, I feel like our work has.
Plateaued.
I adore her, but I'm starting tosee her more like an auntie or a
(18:34):
mentor, not necessarily someonepushing me to the next level of
growth.
And that is by no means herfault or my fault, but it is my
responsibility to takeinitiative and lead that next
charge in my life.
In sobriety we talk about losingpeople, losing friends,
(18:56):
drinking, acquaintances,whatever.
I have lost people in my lifesince getting sober.
I think it has less to do withme getting sober and just like
the natural evolution of lifeand lifestyle changes and what
that comes with.
Relationships have to evolve.
We have to evolve, and itdoesn't take away from.
(19:18):
Everything that someone hasgiven you.
My therapist has given me somuch, so many tools that I can
consistently work with and takewith me.
Um, but I do feel like there isan opportunity here for me to
grow further and push myself alittle bit more.
(19:39):
So I'm going to start the searchfor a new therapist and also in
that same breath, I feel like Ineed a renewed connection to my
higher power.
More prayer, more journaling,more honesty.
I've felt a bit of a spiritualdeficit as of late, and that is
(20:00):
something else that's kind oftugging at me.
It's this intuitive knowingthat, okay, a big shift needs to
happen.
A big change needs to happen.
I don't quite know exactly whatthat change is.
But I think that in getting anew therapist and working on my
spirituality more, learningmore, and exploring different
(20:25):
parts of myself, I'm hoping thatwill help me kind of break free
from the reins of depressionNow, my depression, like I said,
it's not this all encompassing.
I've been depressed before, so Iknow this, the scale of how
depressed I can feel.
It's not like this Level 10 on ascale from one to 10.
(20:45):
I've been at a 9.5 before.
I don't feel I.
Like I'm there.
Um, but that's the thing aboutdepression.
It's difficult to quantify.
I think qualitatively, I justrecognize too many signs and I'm
not in a place, I'm not antiantidepressants.
(21:06):
Um, I'm not against that.
Oh, really quickly.
Fun fact.
But I learned in Iceland.
Iceland they say is one of thehappiest places.
On the planet in the world.
And then I learned they alsohave the highest rates of
antidepressant administration inthe world as well.
So who would've thought the twocoincide?
Anyway, back to this.
(21:27):
I'm not saying I am antiantidepressant.
I've never takenantidepressants.
I just think that I could beworking through a lot more and
doing more on my end beforetaking that next step.
Instead of just defaulting totaking like an antidepressant.
Um, and that might seemdisjointed to you.
Um, the reason I bring upantidepressants here though is
(21:48):
because recently a friend saidto me, I confessed to her, um,
that I think I'm depressed.
And she was like.
Oh girl.
Yeah, get on someantidepressants.
And I kind of took offense tothat and I don't know why I took
offense to it because really I'mnot anti medication.
I feel like you have to takewhat you need and sometimes it's
(22:09):
chemical, right?
Sometimes there are imbalancesthat we just need to regulate,
and medicine helps with that.
I believe in science over here Ijust don't think I'm there yet.
And I don't think that it's tothat place where I have been
before.
'cause I have been, like I said,a lot more depressed chronically
over time than I'm feeling rightnow.
But I just recognize that likeit's not just seasonal
(22:32):
depression, like earlier thisyear.
I'm thinking, oh, it's dark,it's winter, it's all the
things, but you know, now it'sbeautiful outside and it's sunny
and it's about to be summer andI'm still kind of feeling low.
So yeah, working on that.
I will keep you all updated onmy quest.
To find another therapist, and Idon't even know if I'll actually
(22:54):
let my current therapist go.
Currently we are on a very looseschedule.
Like I don't meet with her,every single week.
Um, she's kind of.
I was gonna say promoted me, butmaybe demoted me.
She's kind of like, yeah, youdon't need to meet weekly.
And then summer it gets morecomplicated.
So I feel like this could serveas a clean break to find another
(23:15):
therapist and like still checkin with her on a monthly basis.
But also I'm like, okay, Nadine,like do you really need to keep
this person on retainer?
If you feel like you're notgetting as much out of it, but I
love her so much and I don'tknow, I'm gonna keep you guys
posted clearly.
I'm like on the fence about thistopic.
I know I need a new therapist.
I just don't need know if I needto get rid of my current one.
(23:36):
Or maybe I could like ask her tobe my mentor or my friend.
I can't ask her to be my auntie,even though I kind of feel like
she's already like giving majorauntie vibes, like she's in my
council of women that I adoreand trust and confide in, but
I'm like, I don't know.
I have to find a way to keep herin my life I'm self-aware guys.
I am an anxious attachmentgirly, so I know how that
(23:57):
sounds.
But I can't lose her.
I gotta have her.
Anyway, I'll keep you guysupdated this summer as I look
for.
Another mode of therapy I amthinking about going back to if
FS therapy, internal familysystems, um, because that is
probably the most uncomfortableI've ever felt in therapy.
Which, what do we know aboutdiscomfort?
(24:18):
We know that's where the growthtakes place.
So I, I think that is probablythe type of therapy that I'm
going to pursue and explore somemore.
the-sober-butterfly_10_06 (24:32):
Okay.
This is the confession I've beenavoiding.
I'm just gonna say it.
I have been smoking cigarettessince last summer.
Summer 2024.
Yeah, I know.
I told myself it wasn't aproblem.
(24:54):
I told myself I could stopwhenever, but here I am, almost
coming up to my year anniversaryof smoking cigarettes.
I think two people, know that Ismoke cigarettes.
But who knows?
Maybe more.
Maybe I'm not doing a good jobof hiding this as much as I
thought I was.
(25:14):
Um, but I.
I, yeah, I've been smokingcigarettes for almost a year.
It's insane to admit that outloud.
And I am still smokingcigarettes like today smoked a
cigarette.
This is very recent and I amgoing to just keep it real with
you guys.
It has become a problem, um, aproblem because.
(25:37):
I say I can quit, but I haven't.
And I think that, okay, let megive you a little bit more
context in my history withtobacco.
The first time I smokedcigarettes or tobacco, let me
back up, like tobacco.
I used to smoke black and miles.
(25:59):
It's crazy black and miles in.
College, like freshman year,like my friends and I would get
drunk and then we'd go buy ablack and mile would tip and
smoke.
It after a long night ofpartying, if we weren't passed
out, we'd pass the blunt or passthe black and mild around and
yeah, so I.
(26:20):
Would do that, but like thatwasn't like an everyday
occurrence.
And then I remember distinctlysummer, my sophomore year of
college, one of my girlfriendscoming back to school like this
is tail end of summer with alittle smoking habit that she
picked up from her sister.
And then we started to smokepacks of cigarettes.
(26:42):
And once again, it wasn't likean everyday thing, but it was
something that we did.
And it was something that we didin secrecy because it was gross
and we knew it.
And so we definitely didn't wantpeople to judge us or see us,
you know, smoking cigarettes andanother like little layer or
nuance here.
(27:03):
As a black woman.
Going to a historically blackcollege, it was unheard of for
the most part that black girls,especially the type of black
girls we were.
Which I'm not gonna get intohere, but like we were very like
prissy.
Like even though we were partygirls, like we weren't the type
of girls that ever wanted to beassociated with something dirty,
(27:24):
like smoking cigarettes.
Like that was just trashy.
And we cared very much aboutappearances.
I know this soundscontradictory, considering we
would be like the crazy, wild,drunk girls, but like we did
care about our image and we diddef definitely did not wanna
give off the aura of someonewho.
Smoked cigarettes, so we wouldhide it.
So like, once again, that was anintroduction to how my smoking
(27:47):
career began.
Something I would do when I wasdrunk, hiding it.
Now, fast forward, throughout mytwenties in New York, same kind
of thing.
Like I wasn't buying like packsof cigarettes on a regular
basis.
I would mostly.
Go out, drink, crave thatcigarette.
Oh my God.
You wanna talk about that?
Perfect hit.
(28:07):
And I hope this is nottriggering.
Sorry if it is, but for me itwas like I was always in search
of that equilibrium.
In my mind it was like thatcombination of I'm just drunk
enough on the cusp of maybe likeblackout and.
Now I'm hitting that cigaretteand ooh, it just sends me over
(28:28):
the edge.
Like, I loved that feeling.
And so I would, you know, lookfor that, search for that, and
do it, um, and find it withevery puff, then in the
pandemic, my smoking escalated.
It went from a drunk pastime toan everyday occurrence living in
Mexico City.
A lot of people smokedcigarettes and you could even
(28:49):
smoke inside, which was crazy tome.
I felt like I was in.
I don't know, like in the 1990sin New York City, when I would,
you know, watch episodes of Sexin the City, I'm like, oh my
God, we're smoking indoors.
And even the weight servicestaff would, you know, light
your cigarettes for you.
Imagine you're in this beautifulritzy restaurant, rooftop, and.
(29:12):
You go to light a cigarette andbefore you can even reach for
your freaking lighter, a wayerrushes over and lights it for
you.
It was like a movie.
And so anyway, I used to smoke alot in Mexico City and when I
came back to the States, when Imoved back officially, I was
like, okay, gotta kick thishabit.
And I did successfully, I wasable to quit smoking without any
(29:35):
reinforcements for the mostpart.
I also got sober like a monthlater, a month and change later.
That also helped, now betweenthen.
So between summer 2021 when Igot sober to last summer, 2024,
I still smoked from time totime, but it was like a summer
(29:58):
thing.
But I did, I can't reallyexplain it like I was a summer
smoker.
I know this sounds crazy we'veadmitted that I'm an alcoholic.
The alcoholic brain, you know,wants substances.
Like we convince ourselves thatwe can handle things.
And so I would go on these tripsand like, oh, I'm in another
country.
I wanna unwind a bit.
(30:18):
I'm not gonna drink, so I'llhave a cigarette on the beach.
Why not?
And especially when you travelto different places, different
cultures, different countries,whether that be Europe or Latin
America, the perception aroundsmoking isn't as, um, negative
I'll say as it is here in thestates.
Like I feel like if I smoke acigarette, people are judging
(30:39):
me, like, um, very clearlyjudging me.
Like a guy will not talk to meif he was checking for me
before.
If he sees me light thatcigarette up, like.
Immediately disqualified.
And that's fine.
I know that.
And so that has prompted me tohide my smoking.
Um, but anyway, so last summer Iwas, you know, doing my summer
smoking thing, traveling throughGreece and Turkey.
(31:02):
And especially in Turkey.
Oh my God.
I was like chain smoking.
And I think a part of that was.
If I'm being honest,'cause thisis a fricking confessional.
I like how I feel when I smokecigarettes, especially in
combination with stimulants likecoffee.
Nicotine is a stimulant, right?
So that in combination with acup of black coffee, I feel like
(31:26):
I, you know, I just took alittle bump, you know, I'm like
up here.
And that feeling was somethingthat I was chasing.
It was a feeling that I enjoyed.
I smoked a lot in Turkey.
I was.
You know, around people thatsmoked a lot.
Not my traveling companions, butlike just culturally speaking.
And I was like, I'm having agood time.
I'm gonna quit when I go back toreality.
(31:48):
When I get back to New York,when I go back to work.
Like obviously I'm not gonnakeep smoking.
But then I kept smoking and thenI was like, oh.
I like the feeling.
I, I don't know.
I kept smoking.
I like the feeling.
And, you know, that justprompted me to continue this.
(32:08):
Trajectory and then I toldmyself, you know, even going
into 2025, well, I'm not gonnasmoke in 2025.
Of course not.
It's winter, it's cold.
Like I don't have to go outsideto smoke a cigarette.
Like, who's gonna do that in thesnow?
And, you know, who did it?
Me, me.
Then it turned into like, Ialways have mints and I always
have.
(32:30):
Body spray and perfume to untilthe scent.
Oh it's not a problem'cause I'monly smoking like two or three
cigarettes a day.
I am not like chain smoking.
Like I'll have one in themorning and then I'll have one
after work and then maybe I'llsqueeze one in more in after
dinner., If I go on a trip, youknow, I smoke more cigarettes
'cause it's unstructured timeand I think people don't know.
I hope people don't know.
I hope I don't smell like smoke.
I don't, I don't know.
That's the thing.
I don't know.
Um, I.
(32:50):
Going back to those like closepeople that know I smoke.
I hide it and that's how I knowI have a problem, right?
Like I'm hiding my smoking.
One of my best friends knowsthat I smoke because she
sometimes smokes.
Um, she's a casual smoker, soI'm like, girl, like we're gonna
have the cigarette togetheraside from that, I've been
hiding it from, you know, peoplethat I spend a lot of time with.
Like, we can go on a triptogether and you won't know.
(33:13):
More recently, this trip that Itook with my mom, I was smoking
cigarettes.
I don't think she knows.
When she hears this episode, shewill know and I will ask her did
she know?
And I'll let you guys know whatshe says, but I don't think she
knew, I, you know, pop outsideto make a phone call or like,
oh, I'm just gonna go for a walkto catch in the air.
Meanwhile, I'm fucking chainsmoking, excuse my language
(33:36):
anyway, not chain smoking, likeI'll have a cigarette.
I didn't bring cigarettes withme on this trip, so I didn't
have them.
And there was a day where we hadan early morning pickup to do
like a 10 hour tour aroundIceland.
I wanted to get a quick workoutin before we.
(33:57):
Went on this tour on a bus inthe car all day.
So I did my workout.
By the time I finished myworkout, I had to shower and
immediately we had to leave forthe pickup.
I didn't have time to buycigarettes.
And so on this tour, sitting inthe car, you know we got picked
up at 8:00 AM.
Now it's 10:00 AM and I have hadmy morning cigarette and I
(34:20):
started to experiencewithdrawal, which is why I am
being honest here and saying I'mgonna quit smoking cigarettes
because I started to get alittle cranky.
Um, I was, I, I, I was agitated.
I mean, that's just it.
I was agitated and we stopped ata rest stop.
(34:42):
For a bathroom break and forpeople to, you know, buy snacks.
So we had like a 15 minute reststop break.
And so my mom goes to use thebathroom and I'm like, oh, I'm
just gonna make a phone call.
Lie, i.
Didn't want anyone to see,definitely didn't want my mom to
see me smoking.
Definitely didn't wanna anyoneon the bus that I was with to
see me smoking.
I was embarrassed.
So I pulled around the side ofthis like rest stop area.
(35:05):
So I just wanted you to imaginelike a gas station.
So there's an indoor conveniencestore part.
So I pull around the side'causelike in the front, all the buses
are parked, everyone can seewhat's going on.
I see this man smoking acigarette so I becking him over.
I call this man over trying tobe slick with it, and I'm like,
Hey sir, can, can I have acigarette?
Don't want my mom to see.
(35:26):
I was like, I promise I'm ofage.
'cause he must think that I'mlike a child at this point.
And he's like, no, no, I get it.
He's like, I have to get mypackets on the bus.
Make this man go all the way tohis bus to get a cigarette, walk
it back over to me'cause I can'tbe caught, you know, doing this
exchange.
He walks over, lights mycigarette up, and then I hide by
(35:46):
the side, literally by thedumpster smoking a cigarette.
It just reminds me of thatepisode of Sex in the City where
Carrie is first dating Aiden andhe tells her a non-negotiable is
smoking.
She's like, no problem.
I can quit whenever I want.
I like this guy.
It's time.
And so she tries to quit smokingand they go on this amazing date
that runs into like hours ofthem spending time together.
(36:10):
And she is feeing.
And that was me Feeing for thatfricking hit of nicotine.
And as soon as the date is over,she can't wait to get rid of
him.
Um, literally had like anemergency cigarette.
In her purse at the bottom ofher purse and goes to light it
up, it like falls on the floorand she's like literally
crouched over like a frickingcrazy addict trying to light the
(36:34):
cigarette that has fallen on thefloor, like blowing it off and
inhaling.
And then Aidan walks back aroundthe corner and he's like.
Carrie, uh, I forgot why he wentback, but yeah, that was me
basically.
Only thing is I didn't getcaught, so I'm outing myself
here.
I didn't get caught, but likethen I had to go into the gas
station and wash my hands and.
(36:57):
Buy some gum and spray myself,and then I'm worried like, oh my
God, we're in a small space.
Like, does my mom smell this?
And so I'm just done, you guys,I'm just so done.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't continue smokingcigarettes.
It's not good for you.
Did you know that?
Did you know smoking cigarettesaren't good for you?
(37:18):
But beyond that, it's giving.
Addict.
Okay.
It's giving how my brain wasworking with alcohol, like me
trying to moderate, I'm justtired.
The mental gymnastics, I'm, I'msick of it.
I'm sick of smoking, so I amgoing to, I.
Try differently this timebecause I've quit before.
I've quit cold Turkey.
(37:39):
I don't even know if I can quitcold tur Turkey this time, if
I'm being honest.
I haven't felt motivated enough,I guess, to really try.
Like I've gone days withoutsmoking.
I.
I can't wait to smoke again.
Um, and that's kind of how Ifelt when I was trying to quit
drinking slash moderating.
It was like, yeah, I can havetwo drinks, but I'm not enjoying
(38:01):
this.
This is not fun for me.
So I am gonna use that data fromIceland to really help me quit
for good this time, like I don'tever wanna go back again.
I don't want summer 2026 to rollaround and be like, oh, this is
my smoking summer and I'm gonnaquit once I get back to work.
And no, I'm gonna quit for goodforever.
(38:23):
This is day zero'cause I haven'tquit yet.
Um, but I've ordered.
All of the things to help methis time.
I've ordered patches, nicotinepatches, the nicotine gum.
I've downloaded Alan Carr, howto Quit Smoking, whatever that
book is called.
I'm gonna listen to it today.
I've had some guests of the showswear by this book.
(38:44):
Alan Carr has, you know, how toquit smoking, how to quit
drinking, how to Quit vaping.
How to Quit Emotional Eating,like Apparently this book.
Changes lives.
And so I'm gonna try it becausewhat the freak do I have to
lose?
I have nothing to lose.
Everything to gain, and I'm justsick of this dirty little secret
that I know is disgusting.
And I just, I don't know.
(39:06):
I'm like, I hope people don'tknow.
But also I'm like, if they know,they know.
Like now they're definitelygonna know.
But I'm like, just wondering howgood I was actually at hiding
this, because unlike drinking.
Of course you can smell alcoholin someone's breath, but I just
feel like the nicotine, thesmoke, like I'm going, I'm
(39:27):
putting my hair up to smokecigarettes so that it doesn't
get on, get in my hair, youknow, I'm spraying myself so
that like, I hopefully don'tsmell like it and I'm just like,
this is gross.
Like I just don't wanna do thisanymore and it's expensive and
it ages you.
Okay.
I don't wanna look older than21.
Okay.
I'm joking.
I don't wanna look old though.
(39:47):
Um, unnecessarily, like I don'twant these fine lines to appear
and I don't think they have.
But who knows?
I could be on the fast track toaging because I keep smoking.
I'm gonna quit.
So I'll be giving you guysupdates all summer long.
This is something that I haveto.
Be open about, and it'sreminding me of why I started
(40:09):
the sober Butterfly like a monthinto my sober journey.
I created this platform, theInstagram page, so that I could
connect with other sober people.
Share my story, and inspirepeople hopefully along the way.
Also keeping and holding myselfaccountable.
And so that's why I am justgonna be honest and say like,
I'm at day zero.
(40:30):
I have an addiction to tobacco.
I am smoking.
No, I'm not a pack a day girly.
I average probably like threecigarettes a day, but this is a
problem for me.
Like I, I haven't quit and Iknow I need to.
And so, yeah, I'm just gonna putit out there and say that I am.
Perfectly flawed and I'm workingon fixing this imperfection
(40:54):
because it is something that Iknow can lead to, so many
unnecessary problems.
And yeah, I'm gonna stop.
Thank you guys for listening tomy Confession.
the-sober-butterfly_11_06-12 (41:12):
If you are struggling with your
mental health or if you've beenholding on to this like dirty
little secret that you're readyto let go I hope this serves as
a sign for you.
And also I hope you know thatyou are not alone.
You are allowed to be imperfect.
You're allowed to start over.
You are allowed to change yourmind about what you need, and
(41:36):
you're allowed to be human.
If this episode resonated withyou, please share it with
someone who needs to hear it.
Please leave a review fivestars, please, and.
Make sure you also follow theSober Butterfly on Instagram at
the period Sober Butterfly andSober Butterfly podcast.
Everything is linked below inthe show notes for you.
(41:59):
subscribe to my YouTube channelbecause I'll be releasing my
sober vlog to Iceland trip withmy mom.
Iceland is otherworldly, trulyfeels like a different planet,
which is why so many, likedifferent sci-fi fantasy movies
are shot there.
So yeah, stay tuned with all thethings plug in.
And I'll keep you posted on myprogress all summer long.
(42:24):
I love you guys so much.
Until next time, be kind toyourself, be honest, and if you
are carrying a secret.
Maybe it's time to let it go.
I love you.
Bye.
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