May 30, 2025 • 26 mins
In this solo episode, Nadine explores the hidden cost of “free” drinks and how pretty privilege shaped her drinking experiences. From VIP invites to ER visits, she unpacks the illusion of power tied to beauty and booze, and what sobriety has taught her about self-worth.
Tune in for a raw, reflective, and empowering take on how we trade our peace for acceptance.
✨ If you’ve ever mistaken attention for value, this one’s for you.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
the-sober-butterfly_5_05-29-2 (00:00):
I used to think when I was
drinking that I was actuallywinning, winning.
When I didn't pay for drinks, Ithought that the world was
handing me some kind of likereward or privilege for being
quote, cute, you know this facecard.
Never declined, baby, butspoiler alert, those drinks were
actually never really free.
In my mind, there is no suchthing as a free drink.
(00:22):
I paid for them.
I paid for them in other ways.
Ways that took a toll on mybody, my mental health, my self
worth, my safety, my spirit.
The list goes on and on.
So today we're unpacking all ofthat, the unspoken rules of
drinking while.
Being pretty and I really wannabreak that down for us.
So we'll be looking at thepsychological power of something
(00:45):
known as the halo effect and theinvisible costs that come with
being perceived a certain way indrinking spaces.
So grab your favoritenon-alcoholic drink.
This one is going to bepersonal, powerful, and packed
with reflection.
So let's get into it.
Hello?
(01:05):
Hello, butterflies.
It is your host Nadine Mulvina,and welcome to the Sober
Butterfly Podcast.
The show where we live boldly,beautifully, and alcohol free.
Today's episode is actually asolo and I'm so excited to jump
into this juicy topic with youguys because we are talking all
about pretty privilege.
(01:26):
And whether or not you thinkpretty privilege is fair.
I'm here to tell you that it'sreal, okay?
And not just in the ways inwhich we see it exist today on
social media like Instagram orif you're trying to land that
job.
It exists in many forms.
And specific to today's episode,I wanna talk about all the ways
(01:46):
in which it showed up for me inmy drinking life.
So nightlife, bars, clubs, thatwhole scene.
the-sober-butterfly_6_05-29 (01:55):
you already know the deal, but I'm
gonna break it down for you alittle bit more here.
So imagine walking into the barwith your girls dressed up,
making eye contact with thebartender or with the club
promoter or any guy really andpoof.
Drinks appear like magic Youfeel like you're not paying for
it, at least not with money.
(02:16):
But make no mistake, you'repaying for it in other ways.
So let me tell you how I thoughtI was winning at life back when
I was drinking and leveraging mypretty power.
So I, was the type of girl justto paint a very clear picture
for us.
I didn't wait in line like thatwas a rule of thumb line.
(02:37):
Absolutely not.
I am not going into the venue ifI have to stand in line.
I was that type of girl.
I got into VIP sections moreoften than not.
I got drinks handed to me allthe time.
Guys always picked up the tab.
I thought that all of thesethings meant that I was special,
I was desired, I was important.
But looking back I can see veryclearly that I paid for those
(03:00):
drinks with my safety, puttingmyself in risky situations with
strangers.
I also paid with my boundariessaying yes to drinks when I met.
No.
That was a big thing for me,always saying yes to shots and
things like that, that like Ihad no business consuming, my
self-worth, you know, confusingattention with affection and
(03:24):
thinking that someone mayactually like me for me, even
though they just met me.
But really what they like iswhat they see.
And my time, and I think that'sprobably the most valuable
currency that I lost, which islost time due to hangovers.
Emotional, physical hangovers,anxiety, emotional recovery, and
(03:46):
just regret exclamation mark
the-sober-butterfly_12_05-2 (03:49):
And let me say this.
I'm not here to shame anyone whoaccepts free drinks.
I've accepted my share many freedrinks, but what I am doing is
inviting us to reframe what wethink we're getting when we're
being handed something for freein exchange for being looked at
as an object of desire becausenothing, and I mean nothing is
(04:12):
truly free when it costs youyourself.
the-sober-butterfly_6_05-29 (04:19):
All right, let's talk about pretty
privilege.
What is it?
What is the power of pretty, andthe way I wanna define it for us
today is that invisible socialcurrency that many of us women
are conditioned or taught toleverage.
Especially as it pertains tonightlife and bar culture.
the-sober-butterfly_7_05-2 (04:39):
It's interesting.
I realize now that I held acognitive bias towards people.
I also deemed pretty, I wasreflecting and thinking back to
like comments that even mycousin once said to me, she was
like, all of your friends arereally pretty.
And I was like, duh.
Like I'm pretty, like, of coursemy friends would be pretty, and
(05:02):
I know how that sounds.
Butterflies.
So please do not cancel me.
I'm just being honest with youguys.
Like I would choose my friendsgirlfriends without realizing
it, but I would chooserelationships with people who
were also attractive to me.
Um, women that I felt like.
My friend, I have a friend thatused to say like, walk the mall
(05:22):
with, I'm quoting her.
She'd be like, oh, they can walkthe mall.
In the south where I grew up,like a lot of people, I.
That was our activity.
Like to go to the mall and thinkback to high school, like you
would walk the mall to meet boysand that was probably like my
introduction to peacocking toget male attention for the male
gaze, whatever.
I was literally the girl thatwould filter through my
(05:44):
immediate circle, myacquaintances, my party friends
to discern, okay, well who canwalk the mall with me?
Who is able to actually come?
To this venue and it iscutthroat.
Okay?
It is cutthroat out here.
I've mostly partied in New Yorkand Miami arguably may be two of
(06:05):
the hardest places, or not evenhardest.
Cutthroat places to be a woman,be a girl parading around trying
to gain entry to these placeswhere you're, you know,
surrounded by beautiful women.
So the competition, it wasn'treal competition, but it felt
like it very much perceived,real competition for me was
(06:29):
always like, I don't wanna beembarrassed at the door.
So I'm gonna make sure that I'msetting myself and all my
girlies up for success.
You know, getting into VVIP,skipping lines, all that Let's
be clear.
It's a form of cognitive biasthat gives unearned advantages
and preferential treatment.
to those who are perceived asconventionally attractive.
(06:51):
And while this privilege, youknow, can lead to positive
outcomes for those who benefitfrom it, it does raise issues of
fairness and equity for peoplewho do not meet the conventional
beauty standards.
the-sober-butterfly_10_05- (07:02):
It's a cognitive bias where we assume
that someone is good in allareas because they look good or
make a good first impression.
It's why we trust the hot.
Influencer selling butt cream.
It's why attractive people whocommit crimes are less likely to
be arrested or face harshconsequences or public scrutiny.
(07:24):
I want you to think of LuigiMangione, and I think that this
same bias applies to drinkingculture too.
Let me explain.
So more recently on the pod,we've had Danielle from that S
Glow and she was sharing, youknow, a big part of her story,
which was drinking culture inNYC being a party girl and that
(07:47):
included visits to the hospitalfor alcohol related issues and
how she was not taken seriously.
Now, she didn't literally saylike, it's because I was pretty,
that these nurses are telling methat, you know, I don't quote
look like an alcoholic, but onecan deduce, you know, this is
Danielle.
She's a beautiful girl.
So she's young, she's pretty,and she's, visiting the hospital
(08:10):
because she's drank too much,And medical professionals,
doctors, nurses not just men.
Women too are looking at her andsaying, oh, sweetie, like you
just had a bad night.
Like, this happens to all of us.
I.
Does it?
Does it?
Because I don't think it does.
And that is an example of,pretty privileged backlash.
It's like we cannot trustappearances, just because
(08:33):
someone looks fine on theoutside does not really mean
that they're okay on the inside.
And I had a similar experiencehappened to me when I was in
college, so in college, inundergrad, I went to the ER
twice.
Yes, two times.
Um, because of alcohol relatedincidents and both times I was
(08:53):
dismissed.
Story time butterflies.
I was like 20, 21, summer of mysophomore year going into my
junior year of college.
I was bored.
And for those of you who may benew to the show when I'm bored,
I am dangerous.
My therapist always tells methis, so I was bored.
(09:13):
It was summer.
There was nothing to do.
And.
You know, Tallahassee, Florida,which is super country and just
college town in the summer, it'sdead.
So at the time my roommate and Iwere bored drinking in the day
because what else would you bedoing on like a Wednesday in the
summer in college?
So we were drinking beer.
I remember pounding Bud Light,and at the time we lived in an
(09:36):
apartment complex.
And I.
For whatever reason, I thoughtit was a good idea to try to
climb from the bottom, so fromthe ground floor to the second
floor where we lived.
So we had a balcony and I justthought this was a fun thing to
do and my roommate co-signed.
(09:56):
And so the idea was that I wouldgo into like the gar, like the
yard part.
Climb on the railing of myneighbor on the ground floor,
and then I'm tall.
I'm five 11, but not tall enoughto reach the second level
balcony where we live.
But I thought that I had enoughupper body strength that I could
(10:20):
basically stand on the top ofthe railing and then somehow
propel or.
Push my, I can't even do apullup, so I don't know what I
was thinking.
Like to this day I can't do apullup, but I thought I could
like somehow pull myself up andmy roommate was standing on our
balcony'cause she was gonna helpme like grab my hand and somehow
we were going to pull me up fromthe ground floor to the second
(10:44):
floor where we lived on thebalcony.
I know how it sounds, but at thetime it was the perfect plan.
So we attempted this, and when Isay we really mean, she was on
our balcony so she can seewhat's going on from her vantage
point from above.
And I had a hard time even justtrying to balance on the
railing.
So the railing, it's a railing.
(11:07):
There's, you know, nothing tohold onto.
So I need to have enough likecore strength and coordination.
I'm drunk.
In case that wasn't clear.
We've been drinking all day andI am.
Not succeeding.
So I fell two or three times,from the railing onto the grass,
like fell backwards and it waspretty high.
(11:28):
I wanna say the railing was likefive feet maybe.
Even higher.
But I didn't hurt myself.
I kept falling back and likestumbling and laughing and we're
just like, oh, this is so silly,but also I'm not gonna give up.
And on the, I wanna say actuallyit was two times.
'cause on the third time itwould be the third time it's a
charm.
Instead of falling backwardsonto the grassy area, I fell
(11:52):
forward.
There's no screen on ourbalconies.
So I fell forward onto myneighbors.
Balcony, which is on the groundfloor, but they had a glass
table on their balcony.
So imagine when I fall forwardfrom the height, I'm five 11,
I'm standing on a railing that'sat least five feet tall.
(12:14):
When I fall forward, I crash.
Literally crash through thatglass table and I fell forward.
So obviously to protect myself,I put my hands down.
So I put my hand forward tobreak my fall, and everything
happened so fast.
I remember hearing the glass, Iremember feeling cold, like
(12:39):
there was a cold sensation thatran through my body.
But I couldn't figure out whythe adrenaline was just pumping.
I hop up, I know the, the, theglass is broken, shattered, the
complete table is gone.
I hop up, I'm like, oh my God,fuck.
I just broke my neighbor's glasstable.
So I just hop up purely off ofadrenaline and run.
(13:00):
I hop over the railing and I runaround the corner to make it
back to our apartment.
And as I'm running.
I look down and I see bloodtrickling just everywhere and it
hits me.
Oh, I have cut myself, but Idon't feel anything yet, so.
I hit the corner and now I'mgoing up our stairs.
(13:20):
My roommate, of course, had, hasseen what happened.
So she has run out of theapartment to, and we meet midway
on our stairs and she looks atme and I, I would never forget
her.
Look, she looks mortified, shelooks like she's seen a ghost.
All the colors drained from herface.
And I'm thinking like, girl, I'mthe one that just broke the
table.
Like, what's wrong?
(13:41):
And she's like, Nadine.
You need to go to the hospital.
And I looked down and there'sjust blood everywhere, blood
gushing from my hand, from myknees.
I'm like, no, we don't need togo to the hospital.
Like, wait, it's fine.
I don't even feel anything.
So then we go into theapartment, I run my hand.
It was my hand and my.
(14:01):
Knee, my right knee still havethe scars.
Um, and so we're running my handunder the faucet trying to like
clear it and it's just the bloodis just streaming.
And I'm sorry if this is supergraphic.
And so, um, my roommate callsher mom, who's a nurse and
explains the situation like,Nadine just fell through a glass
table.
How do you explain that?
And she's bleeding and we'retrying to stop the bleeding.
(14:23):
You know, we're compressing it,we're running water over it, and
it's just, she won't stopbleeding.
So her mom was like, yeah, go tothe hospital.
Go to the ER right now.
So we go to the ER and I am thewhole time in denial, but now
the pain is kind of starting toset in.
I'm like, oh yeah, like thishurts.
Um, the, the drunkenness iswearing off and we get to the
(14:46):
er.
This is not how far I wanted thestory to go, but I'm gonna keep
telling you because it'sactually a crazy one.
Um, so we get to the ER and.
Tallahassee, as mentioned, is asmall town, so there's only one
big hospital, or at the timethere was only one big hospital
and it just so happened thatparticular day there was a
(15:07):
massive collision on theinterstate.
So I.
The ER was packed.
Normally it's not like that, butit was super busy.
And when I walk in bleeding, ofcourse they have to attend to
me, but they're like, peoplewere in critical condition from
this accident.
This like five-way collision orsomething.
So the doctors are busy, so it'sgonna be a wait, but we'll have
a nurse see you so that she canpatch you up until a doctor
(15:30):
becomes available.
So I go into one of the roomswith the nurse who's like
looking at me.
She's like patching me up andshe turns to me and she goes, oh
my God, you are so pretty.
She was like, you look likeClaire from my wife and kids.
I don't, I don't look likeClaire from my wife and kids.
But I was like, oh, okay.
(15:52):
Thank you.
Is that supposed to make me feelbetter?
Like I'm so pretty.
'cause of course I'm telling herwhat happened and she's just
like, it's okay.
You're so pretty.
And the Claire reference, by theway, if you've never seen my
wife and kids.
Um, it's a great show.
She is the daughter of the Waynebrother and Tisha Campbell, and
she is a ditz, right?
(16:13):
So I'm feeling like this womanis profiling me in more than one
way.
She's like, you're pretty.
So you get that prettyprivilege, but also like, are
you dumb?
Like you're dumb.
You're just, you're just a sillylittle college girl who fell
through a glass table becauseshe was drunk.
I don't think I told her I wasdrunk, but like.
You can probably smell the beeron my breath still.
Um, so anyway, she patches me upand this is where I should
(16:34):
probably end the story, but nowI'm just gonna tell you the rest
of it.
I'll make it quick.
So ends up, um, giving me, Iwanna say like Percocet or
something like that for thepain.
'cause she also was like, it'sgonna be a while since the
doctors are in surgery.
So she gives me a Percocet andpatches me up and I remember.
(16:54):
Breaking the Percocet in halflike I've never done this
before.
Like, who is she?
I broke the Percocet in half inmy mouth, swallowed half of it,
kept the other one, walked outthe room, spit it out, and gave
it to my roommate so she couldalso have a little buzz going
then.
You know, we're sitting in theER and I start asking the staff,
(17:15):
I'm like, well, how long do youactually think it's gonna take?
And they're like, we don't knowma'am.
Like, it, it's probably gonna bea few hours.
So we leave the hospital and wego to our local drug dealer's
house, chop, chop house, um, tosmoke some weed.
Because what else would one do?
What else would one do, in asituation like that?
(17:36):
So, you know, I am drunk orstill have the alcohol in my
system.
Not like drunk, drunk, butdefinitely had been drinking.
I have half a Percocet going andnow I'm high.
And then we go back to thehospital.
Divine timing, everything worksout.
The doctor's ready to see me andhe's patching me up.
And when he looks at my hand soremember, I fell through the
(17:58):
glass table.
My hand is fucked up, my knee ismessed up.
And I'm looking at my, my handright now.
My like pinky finger.
There is some kind of majorartery that runs or vein that
runs here.
And the first thing he said whenhe saw me,'cause I needed
staples.
Or no, I had staples in my knee.
(18:18):
He had to stitch on my finger.
He was like, you were millimilli centimeters away from
hitting a major artery or vein,and you would've but out and
died before you even made it tothe hospital.
And I was like, oh, okay.
Should that have been a rockBottom moment, guys?
(18:39):
Should that have been my clum toJesus Butteries?
I think not.
So I just wanted to finish thatstory, but you know, going back
to that halo effect and how itapplies to that hot girl bias,
it is just giving extending,courtesy to people who don't
necessarily deserve it.
If I'm being real, right?
Why is it that attractive peopleare seen as more virtuous And
(19:00):
why is it impossible for us tobelieve that a young or
beautiful person can suffer froma real disease or disorder like
alcoholism?
I want you to think next timeyou're trying to evaluate
another person, whether thatperson is running for president,
because that's another thingguys, like, if you think about
it, a lot of the presidentialcandidates that win are more
(19:22):
attractive but anyway, next timeyou're deciding who to vote for,
consider how your overallimpressions of them might
influence your evaluations ofother characteristics And this
is not easy to do, but I thinkhaving some awareness of the
halo effect can help because somany of our biases.
(19:44):
Help facilitate snap decisionswhich can lead to errors in
overall judgment.
So we just wanna be mindful ofthat.
Pretty does not mean better.
It doesn't mean that they are agood person.
And the reverse can also betrue, somebody that is, you
know, conventionally beautiful.
Doesn't mean that they aresuperficial or that they are
(20:06):
obsessed with appearances orthat they themselves.
Think that they are perfect.
In fact, the prettiest people Iknow are often the most insecure
because so much of otherpeople's perception of them is
connected to their appearance,to their beauty,
the-sober-butterfly_11_05-2 (20:23):
All right.
Let's unpack the idea thatthere's no such thing as a free
drink, especially for women.
Here are just some of the hiddencosts.
I personally racked up, Ubers, Idon't remember taking food
delivery cost to recover from ahangover.
There was a bagel shop that was.
(20:44):
A block away from my apartmentand more than once I have Uber
Eats or delivered it to myapartment a block away because I
was too hungover to get outtabed anyway.
Um, lost keys, phones anddignity.
Time, lost nursing hangovers, orshame.
I.
(21:04):
We've kind of talked about this,emergency visits and medical
bills therapy to undo whathappened while I was drinking.
So I wanna ask you guys, whatdid your free drinks cost you?
Butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_14_05 (21:18):
Okay.
What I know now after years ofdrinking and learning, healing,
and finally getting honest withmyself, is that beauty is not my
power.
It's a part of me.
Sure.
But it is not all of me.
I used to think beauty was thiskind of access pass.
A way to skip the line, get thedrink, avoid the cover charge,
(21:41):
and in many ways it was, but Ididn't realize the real cost was
deeper than anything on the tab.
And now that I'm sober, I seebeauty differently, so much
differently.
I, I know that I'm more thanjust a face or a body.
I don't need someone else to buyme a drink to feel worthy.
(22:01):
My self worth is not atransaction, and my new currency
is peace, health, clarity,alignment, and these things are
priceless.
I invest in myself now in waysthat actually give me real
returns.
Like sleep and skin that glowsfrom staying hydrated, not
(22:22):
hungover, and real connectionsand a life that just feels like
mine, not a performance.
And listen, if you are in aseason where you still associate
beauty with value, or if you arechasing that high of a free
drink and the attention thatcomes with it, I get it.
I've clearly been there, but Iwant to lovingly invite you to
(22:46):
sit with a deep question.
What is it actually costing youto stay in that cycle?
What are you giving up in orderto feel chosen, seen, validated?
Even temporarily, because Ipromise you, your power is so
much bigger than someone pickingup your tab.
(23:08):
And the moment you start pouringback into yourself fully and
intentionally is the moment yourealize that you were always the
prize.
No cocktail drink shot needed.
the-sober-butterfly_13_05-29- (23:22):
I want to introduce a little
reflection.
Exercise.
Yes, I have some homework foryou guys.
I want you to take five to 10minutes this week to do this
exercise with me.
Five to 10 minutes.
You can do it.
So I want you to make a pros andcons list.
I'm a huge list fanatic overhere.
(23:45):
Love making list, love checkingthings off.
But for this, I want you toframe it.
My old drinking pros and conslist.
So I did one because how can Iask you to do something I have
not done myself?
And I made a pros and cons list.
I'm gonna share it with you.
Of course.
So under my pros, there werepros.
(24:07):
I know what you're thinking,Nadine.
There were pros.
Yeah, there were pros.
I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have been outside forso long if there weren't pros.
So for my pros, I have, I feltconfident.
Um, for like 20 minutes, but Ifelt confident.
Um, free drinks, I guess maybeyou could put as a pro I wasn't
(24:28):
paying for them.
Mostly social ease, you know, Ialways refer to alcohol as a
social lubricant, so definitelyfelt more at ease at times.
And that's it.
Yeah.
That's it.
Um, under my cons list, I, I, Imean it's exhaustive, so I'm
(24:49):
just gonna share some blackouts,regrets, hangovers, unsafe
choices, codependency, shame,spirals.
Um, I wrote depression flareups,empty bank account, like Yeah,
the math is math here.
What I wanted to prove here formyself and for you butterflies
at home, is that the costs faroutweighed the benefits.
(25:13):
So now it is your turn.
I want you to write it out.
Get honest, and if you feelsafe, share it with someone you
trust or you can even share itwith me.
You can DM me, I would love tosee what comes up for you.
I'm curious and if you have morepros and cons, definitely share
that list with me'cause I amsuper intrigued
the-sober-butterfly_15_05-2 (25:32):
All right, butterflies.
Let's wrap this with some funhomework.
First up, grab a pen.
Open your notes, app or voicememo.
If you're on a hot girl walk, Iwant you to make a pros and cons
list of drinking.
Yes, I want you to get real withit.
What did you really give up andwhat did you quietly take away?
(25:52):
Next, send this episode to afriend.
maybe it will spark a convo, ormaybe it will.
Just let them know that you'rethinking about how far you've
both come.
Then leave a review on ApplePodcast or Spotify.
I want it to be true, but I alsowant it to be five stars.
Okay.
If you have feedback for me, donot put that on the review.
I'm still open to feedback Istill want to hear, but don't
(26:15):
put that in writing on Apple orSpotify.
DM me, email me.
Everything's linked below on theshow notes, you can find me.
Lastly, if you're not alreadydoing so butterflies, make sure
you're following me on Instagramat the period Sober Butterfly
and tag me with your takeaways.
I wanna hear any aha momentsyou've had from this episode, so
(26:36):
please reach out so we can keepthis conversation going off mic.
Until next time, stay soft, staystrong and stay sober.
I love you guys so much.
Bye.
I used to think when I was
drinking that I was actuallywinning, winning.
When I didn't pay for drinks, Ithought that the world was
handing me some kind of likereward or privilege for being
quote, cute, you know this facecard.
Never declined, baby, butspoiler alert, those drinks were
actually never really free.
In my mind, there is no suchthing as a free drink.
(00:22):
I paid for them.
I paid for them in other ways.
Ways that took a toll on mybody, my mental health, my self
worth, my safety, my spirit.
The list goes on and on.
So today we're unpacking all ofthat, the unspoken rules of
drinking while.
Being pretty and I really wannabreak that down for us.
So we'll be looking at thepsychological power of something
(00:45):
known as the halo effect and theinvisible costs that come with
being perceived a certain way indrinking spaces.
So grab your favoritenon-alcoholic drink.
This one is going to bepersonal, powerful, and packed
with reflection.
So let's get into it.
Hello?
(01:05):
Hello, butterflies.
It is your host Nadine Mulvina,and welcome to the Sober
Butterfly Podcast.
The show where we live boldly,beautifully, and alcohol free.
Today's episode is actually asolo and I'm so excited to jump
into this juicy topic with youguys because we are talking all
about pretty privilege.
(01:26):
And whether or not you thinkpretty privilege is fair.
I'm here to tell you that it'sreal, okay?
And not just in the ways inwhich we see it exist today on
social media like Instagram orif you're trying to land that
job.
It exists in many forms.
And specific to today's episode,I wanna talk about all the ways
(01:46):
in which it showed up for me inmy drinking life.
So nightlife, bars, clubs, thatwhole scene.
the-sober-butterfly_6_05-29 (01:55):
you already know the deal, but I'm
gonna break it down for you alittle bit more here.
So imagine walking into the barwith your girls dressed up,
making eye contact with thebartender or with the club
promoter or any guy really andpoof.
Drinks appear like magic Youfeel like you're not paying for
it, at least not with money.
(02:16):
But make no mistake, you'repaying for it in other ways.
So let me tell you how I thoughtI was winning at life back when
I was drinking and leveraging mypretty power.
So I, was the type of girl justto paint a very clear picture
for us.
I didn't wait in line like thatwas a rule of thumb line.
(02:37):
Absolutely not.
I am not going into the venue ifI have to stand in line.
I was that type of girl.
I got into VIP sections moreoften than not.
I got drinks handed to me allthe time.
Guys always picked up the tab.
I thought that all of thesethings meant that I was special,
I was desired, I was important.
But looking back I can see veryclearly that I paid for those
(03:00):
drinks with my safety, puttingmyself in risky situations with
strangers.
I also paid with my boundariessaying yes to drinks when I met.
No.
That was a big thing for me,always saying yes to shots and
things like that, that like Ihad no business consuming, my
self-worth, you know, confusingattention with affection and
(03:24):
thinking that someone mayactually like me for me, even
though they just met me.
But really what they like iswhat they see.
And my time, and I think that'sprobably the most valuable
currency that I lost, which islost time due to hangovers.
Emotional, physical hangovers,anxiety, emotional recovery, and
(03:46):
just regret exclamation mark
the-sober-butterfly_12_05-2 (03:49):
And let me say this.
I'm not here to shame anyone whoaccepts free drinks.
I've accepted my share many freedrinks, but what I am doing is
inviting us to reframe what wethink we're getting when we're
being handed something for freein exchange for being looked at
as an object of desire becausenothing, and I mean nothing is
(04:12):
truly free when it costs youyourself.
the-sober-butterfly_6_05-29 (04:19):
All right, let's talk about pretty
privilege.
What is it?
What is the power of pretty, andthe way I wanna define it for us
today is that invisible socialcurrency that many of us women
are conditioned or taught toleverage.
Especially as it pertains tonightlife and bar culture.
the-sober-butterfly_7_05-2 (04:39):
It's interesting.
I realize now that I held acognitive bias towards people.
I also deemed pretty, I wasreflecting and thinking back to
like comments that even mycousin once said to me, she was
like, all of your friends arereally pretty.
And I was like, duh.
Like I'm pretty, like, of coursemy friends would be pretty, and
(05:02):
I know how that sounds.
Butterflies.
So please do not cancel me.
I'm just being honest with youguys.
Like I would choose my friendsgirlfriends without realizing
it, but I would chooserelationships with people who
were also attractive to me.
Um, women that I felt like.
My friend, I have a friend thatused to say like, walk the mall
(05:22):
with, I'm quoting her.
She'd be like, oh, they can walkthe mall.
In the south where I grew up,like a lot of people, I.
That was our activity.
Like to go to the mall and thinkback to high school, like you
would walk the mall to meet boysand that was probably like my
introduction to peacocking toget male attention for the male
gaze, whatever.
I was literally the girl thatwould filter through my
(05:44):
immediate circle, myacquaintances, my party friends
to discern, okay, well who canwalk the mall with me?
Who is able to actually come?
To this venue and it iscutthroat.
Okay?
It is cutthroat out here.
I've mostly partied in New Yorkand Miami arguably may be two of
(06:05):
the hardest places, or not evenhardest.
Cutthroat places to be a woman,be a girl parading around trying
to gain entry to these placeswhere you're, you know,
surrounded by beautiful women.
So the competition, it wasn'treal competition, but it felt
like it very much perceived,real competition for me was
(06:29):
always like, I don't wanna beembarrassed at the door.
So I'm gonna make sure that I'msetting myself and all my
girlies up for success.
You know, getting into VVIP,skipping lines, all that Let's
be clear.
It's a form of cognitive biasthat gives unearned advantages
and preferential treatment.
to those who are perceived asconventionally attractive.
(06:51):
And while this privilege, youknow, can lead to positive
outcomes for those who benefitfrom it, it does raise issues of
fairness and equity for peoplewho do not meet the conventional
beauty standards.
the-sober-butterfly_10_05- (07:02):
It's a cognitive bias where we assume
that someone is good in allareas because they look good or
make a good first impression.
It's why we trust the hot.
Influencer selling butt cream.
It's why attractive people whocommit crimes are less likely to
be arrested or face harshconsequences or public scrutiny.
(07:24):
I want you to think of LuigiMangione, and I think that this
same bias applies to drinkingculture too.
Let me explain.
So more recently on the pod,we've had Danielle from that S
Glow and she was sharing, youknow, a big part of her story,
which was drinking culture inNYC being a party girl and that
(07:47):
included visits to the hospitalfor alcohol related issues and
how she was not taken seriously.
Now, she didn't literally saylike, it's because I was pretty,
that these nurses are telling methat, you know, I don't quote
look like an alcoholic, but onecan deduce, you know, this is
Danielle.
She's a beautiful girl.
So she's young, she's pretty,and she's, visiting the hospital
(08:10):
because she's drank too much,And medical professionals,
doctors, nurses not just men.
Women too are looking at her andsaying, oh, sweetie, like you
just had a bad night.
Like, this happens to all of us.
I.
Does it?
Does it?
Because I don't think it does.
And that is an example of,pretty privileged backlash.
It's like we cannot trustappearances, just because
(08:33):
someone looks fine on theoutside does not really mean
that they're okay on the inside.
And I had a similar experiencehappened to me when I was in
college, so in college, inundergrad, I went to the ER
twice.
Yes, two times.
Um, because of alcohol relatedincidents and both times I was
(08:53):
dismissed.
Story time butterflies.
I was like 20, 21, summer of mysophomore year going into my
junior year of college.
I was bored.
And for those of you who may benew to the show when I'm bored,
I am dangerous.
My therapist always tells methis, so I was bored.
(09:13):
It was summer.
There was nothing to do.
And.
You know, Tallahassee, Florida,which is super country and just
college town in the summer, it'sdead.
So at the time my roommate and Iwere bored drinking in the day
because what else would you bedoing on like a Wednesday in the
summer in college?
So we were drinking beer.
I remember pounding Bud Light,and at the time we lived in an
(09:36):
apartment complex.
And I.
For whatever reason, I thoughtit was a good idea to try to
climb from the bottom, so fromthe ground floor to the second
floor where we lived.
So we had a balcony and I justthought this was a fun thing to
do and my roommate co-signed.
(09:56):
And so the idea was that I wouldgo into like the gar, like the
yard part.
Climb on the railing of myneighbor on the ground floor,
and then I'm tall.
I'm five 11, but not tall enoughto reach the second level
balcony where we live.
But I thought that I had enoughupper body strength that I could
(10:20):
basically stand on the top ofthe railing and then somehow
propel or.
Push my, I can't even do apullup, so I don't know what I
was thinking.
Like to this day I can't do apullup, but I thought I could
like somehow pull myself up andmy roommate was standing on our
balcony'cause she was gonna helpme like grab my hand and somehow
we were going to pull me up fromthe ground floor to the second
(10:44):
floor where we lived on thebalcony.
I know how it sounds, but at thetime it was the perfect plan.
So we attempted this, and when Isay we really mean, she was on
our balcony so she can seewhat's going on from her vantage
point from above.
And I had a hard time even justtrying to balance on the
railing.
So the railing, it's a railing.
(11:07):
There's, you know, nothing tohold onto.
So I need to have enough likecore strength and coordination.
I'm drunk.
In case that wasn't clear.
We've been drinking all day andI am.
Not succeeding.
So I fell two or three times,from the railing onto the grass,
like fell backwards and it waspretty high.
(11:28):
I wanna say the railing was likefive feet maybe.
Even higher.
But I didn't hurt myself.
I kept falling back and likestumbling and laughing and we're
just like, oh, this is so silly,but also I'm not gonna give up.
And on the, I wanna say actuallyit was two times.
'cause on the third time itwould be the third time it's a
charm.
Instead of falling backwardsonto the grassy area, I fell
(11:52):
forward.
There's no screen on ourbalconies.
So I fell forward onto myneighbors.
Balcony, which is on the groundfloor, but they had a glass
table on their balcony.
So imagine when I fall forwardfrom the height, I'm five 11,
I'm standing on a railing that'sat least five feet tall.
(12:14):
When I fall forward, I crash.
Literally crash through thatglass table and I fell forward.
So obviously to protect myself,I put my hands down.
So I put my hand forward tobreak my fall, and everything
happened so fast.
I remember hearing the glass, Iremember feeling cold, like
(12:39):
there was a cold sensation thatran through my body.
But I couldn't figure out whythe adrenaline was just pumping.
I hop up, I know the, the, theglass is broken, shattered, the
complete table is gone.
I hop up, I'm like, oh my God,fuck.
I just broke my neighbor's glasstable.
So I just hop up purely off ofadrenaline and run.
(13:00):
I hop over the railing and I runaround the corner to make it
back to our apartment.
And as I'm running.
I look down and I see bloodtrickling just everywhere and it
hits me.
Oh, I have cut myself, but Idon't feel anything yet, so.
I hit the corner and now I'mgoing up our stairs.
(13:20):
My roommate, of course, had, hasseen what happened.
So she has run out of theapartment to, and we meet midway
on our stairs and she looks atme and I, I would never forget
her.
Look, she looks mortified, shelooks like she's seen a ghost.
All the colors drained from herface.
And I'm thinking like, girl, I'mthe one that just broke the
table.
Like, what's wrong?
(13:41):
And she's like, Nadine.
You need to go to the hospital.
And I looked down and there'sjust blood everywhere, blood
gushing from my hand, from myknees.
I'm like, no, we don't need togo to the hospital.
Like, wait, it's fine.
I don't even feel anything.
So then we go into theapartment, I run my hand.
It was my hand and my.
(14:01):
Knee, my right knee still havethe scars.
Um, and so we're running my handunder the faucet trying to like
clear it and it's just the bloodis just streaming.
And I'm sorry if this is supergraphic.
And so, um, my roommate callsher mom, who's a nurse and
explains the situation like,Nadine just fell through a glass
table.
How do you explain that?
And she's bleeding and we'retrying to stop the bleeding.
(14:23):
You know, we're compressing it,we're running water over it, and
it's just, she won't stopbleeding.
So her mom was like, yeah, go tothe hospital.
Go to the ER right now.
So we go to the ER and I am thewhole time in denial, but now
the pain is kind of starting toset in.
I'm like, oh yeah, like thishurts.
Um, the, the drunkenness iswearing off and we get to the
(14:46):
er.
This is not how far I wanted thestory to go, but I'm gonna keep
telling you because it'sactually a crazy one.
Um, so we get to the ER and.
Tallahassee, as mentioned, is asmall town, so there's only one
big hospital, or at the timethere was only one big hospital
and it just so happened thatparticular day there was a
(15:07):
massive collision on theinterstate.
So I.
The ER was packed.
Normally it's not like that, butit was super busy.
And when I walk in bleeding, ofcourse they have to attend to
me, but they're like, peoplewere in critical condition from
this accident.
This like five-way collision orsomething.
So the doctors are busy, so it'sgonna be a wait, but we'll have
a nurse see you so that she canpatch you up until a doctor
(15:30):
becomes available.
So I go into one of the roomswith the nurse who's like
looking at me.
She's like patching me up andshe turns to me and she goes, oh
my God, you are so pretty.
She was like, you look likeClaire from my wife and kids.
I don't, I don't look likeClaire from my wife and kids.
But I was like, oh, okay.
(15:52):
Thank you.
Is that supposed to make me feelbetter?
Like I'm so pretty.
'cause of course I'm telling herwhat happened and she's just
like, it's okay.
You're so pretty.
And the Claire reference, by theway, if you've never seen my
wife and kids.
Um, it's a great show.
She is the daughter of the Waynebrother and Tisha Campbell, and
she is a ditz, right?
(16:13):
So I'm feeling like this womanis profiling me in more than one
way.
She's like, you're pretty.
So you get that prettyprivilege, but also like, are
you dumb?
Like you're dumb.
You're just, you're just a sillylittle college girl who fell
through a glass table becauseshe was drunk.
I don't think I told her I wasdrunk, but like.
You can probably smell the beeron my breath still.
Um, so anyway, she patches me upand this is where I should
(16:34):
probably end the story, but nowI'm just gonna tell you the rest
of it.
I'll make it quick.
So ends up, um, giving me, Iwanna say like Percocet or
something like that for thepain.
'cause she also was like, it'sgonna be a while since the
doctors are in surgery.
So she gives me a Percocet andpatches me up and I remember.
(16:54):
Breaking the Percocet in halflike I've never done this
before.
Like, who is she?
I broke the Percocet in half inmy mouth, swallowed half of it,
kept the other one, walked outthe room, spit it out, and gave
it to my roommate so she couldalso have a little buzz going
then.
You know, we're sitting in theER and I start asking the staff,
(17:15):
I'm like, well, how long do youactually think it's gonna take?
And they're like, we don't knowma'am.
Like, it, it's probably gonna bea few hours.
So we leave the hospital and wego to our local drug dealer's
house, chop, chop house, um, tosmoke some weed.
Because what else would one do?
What else would one do, in asituation like that?
(17:36):
So, you know, I am drunk orstill have the alcohol in my
system.
Not like drunk, drunk, butdefinitely had been drinking.
I have half a Percocet going andnow I'm high.
And then we go back to thehospital.
Divine timing, everything worksout.
The doctor's ready to see me andhe's patching me up.
And when he looks at my hand soremember, I fell through the
(17:58):
glass table.
My hand is fucked up, my knee ismessed up.
And I'm looking at my, my handright now.
My like pinky finger.
There is some kind of majorartery that runs or vein that
runs here.
And the first thing he said whenhe saw me,'cause I needed
staples.
Or no, I had staples in my knee.
(18:18):
He had to stitch on my finger.
He was like, you were millimilli centimeters away from
hitting a major artery or vein,and you would've but out and
died before you even made it tothe hospital.
And I was like, oh, okay.
Should that have been a rockBottom moment, guys?
(18:39):
Should that have been my clum toJesus Butteries?
I think not.
So I just wanted to finish thatstory, but you know, going back
to that halo effect and how itapplies to that hot girl bias,
it is just giving extending,courtesy to people who don't
necessarily deserve it.
If I'm being real, right?
Why is it that attractive peopleare seen as more virtuous And
(19:00):
why is it impossible for us tobelieve that a young or
beautiful person can suffer froma real disease or disorder like
alcoholism?
I want you to think next timeyou're trying to evaluate
another person, whether thatperson is running for president,
because that's another thingguys, like, if you think about
it, a lot of the presidentialcandidates that win are more
(19:22):
attractive but anyway, next timeyou're deciding who to vote for,
consider how your overallimpressions of them might
influence your evaluations ofother characteristics And this
is not easy to do, but I thinkhaving some awareness of the
halo effect can help because somany of our biases.
(19:44):
Help facilitate snap decisionswhich can lead to errors in
overall judgment.
So we just wanna be mindful ofthat.
Pretty does not mean better.
It doesn't mean that they are agood person.
And the reverse can also betrue, somebody that is, you
know, conventionally beautiful.
Doesn't mean that they aresuperficial or that they are
(20:06):
obsessed with appearances orthat they themselves.
Think that they are perfect.
In fact, the prettiest people Iknow are often the most insecure
because so much of otherpeople's perception of them is
connected to their appearance,to their beauty,
the-sober-butterfly_11_05-2 (20:23):
All right.
Let's unpack the idea thatthere's no such thing as a free
drink, especially for women.
Here are just some of the hiddencosts.
I personally racked up, Ubers, Idon't remember taking food
delivery cost to recover from ahangover.
There was a bagel shop that was.
(20:44):
A block away from my apartmentand more than once I have Uber
Eats or delivered it to myapartment a block away because I
was too hungover to get outtabed anyway.
Um, lost keys, phones anddignity.
Time, lost nursing hangovers, orshame.
I.
(21:04):
We've kind of talked about this,emergency visits and medical
bills therapy to undo whathappened while I was drinking.
So I wanna ask you guys, whatdid your free drinks cost you?
Butterflies.
the-sober-butterfly_14_05 (21:18):
Okay.
What I know now after years ofdrinking and learning, healing,
and finally getting honest withmyself, is that beauty is not my
power.
It's a part of me.
Sure.
But it is not all of me.
I used to think beauty was thiskind of access pass.
A way to skip the line, get thedrink, avoid the cover charge,
(21:41):
and in many ways it was, but Ididn't realize the real cost was
deeper than anything on the tab.
And now that I'm sober, I seebeauty differently, so much
differently.
I, I know that I'm more thanjust a face or a body.
I don't need someone else to buyme a drink to feel worthy.
(22:01):
My self worth is not atransaction, and my new currency
is peace, health, clarity,alignment, and these things are
priceless.
I invest in myself now in waysthat actually give me real
returns.
Like sleep and skin that glowsfrom staying hydrated, not
(22:22):
hungover, and real connectionsand a life that just feels like
mine, not a performance.
And listen, if you are in aseason where you still associate
beauty with value, or if you arechasing that high of a free
drink and the attention thatcomes with it, I get it.
I've clearly been there, but Iwant to lovingly invite you to
(22:46):
sit with a deep question.
What is it actually costing youto stay in that cycle?
What are you giving up in orderto feel chosen, seen, validated?
Even temporarily, because Ipromise you, your power is so
much bigger than someone pickingup your tab.
(23:08):
And the moment you start pouringback into yourself fully and
intentionally is the moment yourealize that you were always the
prize.
No cocktail drink shot needed.
the-sober-butterfly_13_05-29- (23:22):
I want to introduce a little
reflection.
Exercise.
Yes, I have some homework foryou guys.
I want you to take five to 10minutes this week to do this
exercise with me.
Five to 10 minutes.
You can do it.
So I want you to make a pros andcons list.
I'm a huge list fanatic overhere.
(23:45):
Love making list, love checkingthings off.
But for this, I want you toframe it.
My old drinking pros and conslist.
So I did one because how can Iask you to do something I have
not done myself?
And I made a pros and cons list.
I'm gonna share it with you.
Of course.
So under my pros, there werepros.
(24:07):
I know what you're thinking,Nadine.
There were pros.
Yeah, there were pros.
I wouldn't have done it.
I wouldn't have been outside forso long if there weren't pros.
So for my pros, I have, I feltconfident.
Um, for like 20 minutes, but Ifelt confident.
Um, free drinks, I guess maybeyou could put as a pro I wasn't
(24:28):
paying for them.
Mostly social ease, you know, Ialways refer to alcohol as a
social lubricant, so definitelyfelt more at ease at times.
And that's it.
Yeah.
That's it.
Um, under my cons list, I, I, Imean it's exhaustive, so I'm
(24:49):
just gonna share some blackouts,regrets, hangovers, unsafe
choices, codependency, shame,spirals.
Um, I wrote depression flareups,empty bank account, like Yeah,
the math is math here.
What I wanted to prove here formyself and for you butterflies
at home, is that the costs faroutweighed the benefits.
(25:13):
So now it is your turn.
I want you to write it out.
Get honest, and if you feelsafe, share it with someone you
trust or you can even share itwith me.
You can DM me, I would love tosee what comes up for you.
I'm curious and if you have morepros and cons, definitely share
that list with me'cause I amsuper intrigued
the-sober-butterfly_15_05-2 (25:32):
All right, butterflies.
Let's wrap this with some funhomework.
First up, grab a pen.
Open your notes, app or voicememo.
If you're on a hot girl walk, Iwant you to make a pros and cons
list of drinking.
Yes, I want you to get real withit.
What did you really give up andwhat did you quietly take away?
(25:52):
Next, send this episode to afriend.
maybe it will spark a convo, ormaybe it will.
Just let them know that you'rethinking about how far you've
both come.
Then leave a review on ApplePodcast or Spotify.
I want it to be true, but I alsowant it to be five stars.
Okay.
If you have feedback for me, donot put that on the review.
I'm still open to feedback Istill want to hear, but don't
(26:15):
put that in writing on Apple orSpotify.
DM me, email me.
Everything's linked below on theshow notes, you can find me.
Lastly, if you're not alreadydoing so butterflies, make sure
you're following me on Instagramat the period Sober Butterfly
and tag me with your takeaways.
I wanna hear any aha momentsyou've had from this episode, so
(26:36):
please reach out so we can keepthis conversation going off mic.
Until next time, stay soft, staystrong and stay sober.
I love you guys so much.
Bye.
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