February 5, 2022 • 28 mins
Once again we are just talking shop. We talk about body language, barriers to communication (from People Skills by Robert Bolton), seeing things at gray as opposed to everything being black & white, overcoming the fear of rejections and much more.
Music by Wax Mustang - Powerball
I always appreciate any support ; D
https://www.patreon.com/TSSLpodcast
paypal.me/TSSLpodcast
Thank you!! (I like money) - Nathan
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:22):
The window baby running away from the body I'm taking
much in the back seat. For thePowerball we can do it all with
the with the wineo newest gamesoff of she sing along, man. And
just when it couldn't getbetter, she talked to my ear
saying you got the chance. Yougot to choose us the bison. You
(00:45):
told me to walk in the right waysundown on a highway, you know
the feeling.
Hey. Welcome back to anotherepisode of the Social Skills
Lab. I'm your host, Nathan,Ahmet. This is episode number
(01:06):
19. I don't know it's today.
Saturday, February 5 2022. Soit's the first episode of the
year I think it might be. Well,Happy. Happy New Year. So how's
it going out there? How's yoursocial skills coming along?
(01:34):
Yeah, so this is a podcast,about learning social skills, if
you want to improve your socialskills, or expand your social
circle, for like, very shy, Iused to be I still am somewhat
of an introvert. But so yeah, Igrew up as a pretty shy kid and
(01:55):
learn quite a bit along the way,and was able to improve my
social skills, it's just askill. It's a skill set, like
anything else. Like you know, ifyou wanted to learn how to, if
you want to learn how to work ona car, just start learning and
(02:16):
then eventually you get really,really good at it. If you put
the time in and the effort,eventually, you'll get a lot
better. And you'll be veryproficient. So social skills are
pretty much the same thing. Theyseem like a real enigma.
Sometimes, if you if you aren'taware that you can actually get
better at it. Or if there's alot of information that you can
(02:37):
read. I mean, I don't know howyou aren't aware that
information is just flyingthrough the air at this point. I
mean, pretty much everyone has acomputer smartphone, you can
just google how to be better atanything, you know, find stuff.
So and then that's podcast, it'sI tried to be a one stop shop
(02:57):
resource, I just pretty muchtried to tell you everything
that I've learned along the way,and give you a lot of other
resources that you can use thatthat helped me that I found to
be very helpful. But yeah, justuse this one, this podcast as a
resource. There'll be a lot ofinformation. So I always
(03:21):
recommend going back to the verybeginning episode one, I kind of
I kind of have some, or I try tohave a natural progression
through one every episode. Imean, the later episodes, I'm
kind of just jumping around andlots of more lots of tips. But
the first 10 or so episodes, Itried to give the very, very
(03:46):
basics, where to start andwhatnot. So I very much
recommend going back andlistening, listening to every
single episode, not just once ortwice, but you know, use this as
a reference. So in a year, goback and listen to every episode
again. And then another coupleyears, listen to it again.
(04:07):
Because if you're improving yoursocial skills, you'll definitely
find stuff that you've forgotabout or something that would
make a lot more sense as you getbetter. So let's see here. I
kept mentioning that I wanted togo through this one book. This
(04:28):
is one of the books I recommend.
It's called people skills byRobert Bolton. This is one of
the first books I read. It'sreally really good. Let me see
it's about it's almost 300pages. That's why I'm saying I
can only really be a resourcebecause this book has so much
great information. I wouldliterally have to read the whole
(04:51):
book to you. There's no way Icould give you all the
information that's in this book.
And then like another otherbooks and stuff like that. It's
just There's way, way, way, waytoo much information. So a lot
of times when people like I'llsee posted online, like I'm on
the Reddit subreddit calledsocial skills, just put in
social skills, read it. Peopleput questions and stuff like
(05:14):
that in there. And they're like,am I'm really shy, I can only be
friends. I don't know what todo.
And people will like, putlittle, the respond. And there's
definitely a lot of good, reallygood information. But there's no
way you could tell someone howto be a lot better at social
(05:35):
skills in a paragraph. It's likesaying, How do I become a
mechanic, and then hoping thatsomeone will explain to you how
to be a mechanic in 200 words,you know, you actually have to
go out and learn how to become amechanic just like you have to
go out and learn how to be asocial person. Luckily, we have
(05:55):
so much resources that, like Isaid, if you're patient, very,
very patient, and willing tomake the mistakes and willing to
just talk to new people, thatyou'll get better. Over time,
you'll get better. At leastthat's what I think. But I'm no
doctor, so or a lawyer. So don'tdon't sue me if it doesn't work.
(06:21):
What else? Oh, see, I was sayingthis book, Robert Bolton. He
has. This is a this is one ofthe things I thought was pretty
interesting. He wrote downbarriers, it's all in chapter
two barriers to communication.
And he said, Okay, let me hestarts this with a quote that
says, By role, how theologianand educator a barrier to
(06:48):
communication is something thatkeeps meaning from meeting,
meaning barriers exists betweenall people, making communication
much more difficult than mostpeople seem to realize. It is
false to assume that if one cantalk he can communicate, because
(07:08):
so much of our educationmisleads people into thinking
that communication is easierthan it is, they become
discouraged, and they give upwhen they run into difficulty,
because they do not understandthe nature of the problem. They
do not know what to do. TheWonder is not that communicating
(07:29):
is difficult as it is but it butthat it occurs as much as it
does. kind of goes I think thisis similar to what I understood,
way back when I was learning.
Occasionally you'll meet someonewho is a talker will talk a lot.
(07:52):
Sometimes they're actually verygood at communicating, and are
fun to talk to you. Butsometimes, you'll meet someone
that talks a lot. And they don'treally understand. They're not
they're not actually making verygood communication, because
they're annoying or the theytalk you're off or whatever. So
just because someone talks a lotdoesn't mean they're really good
at a, an effective communicator.
And I've noticed that afterreading this, they're getting a
(08:17):
lot of stuff in here. So it sayshere why roadblocks are high
risk responses, so he can talkabout roadblocks. At first
glance, some of these barriersseem quite innocent. Praise,
reassurance, logical responses,questions and well intentioned,
well intentioned advice areoften thought of as positive
(08:38):
factors in interpersonalrelations. Why then do
behavioral scientists think thatthese 12 types of responses
think of these 12 types ofresponses as potentially
damaging to communication, these12 ways of responding are viewed
as high risk responses ratherthan inevitable destructive
(08:59):
elements of all communication,they are more likely to block
conversation, thwart the otherperson's problem solving
efficiency, and increase theemotional distance between
people then other ways ofcommunication. However, at
times, people use theseresponses with little or no
obvious negative effect. So I'mjust gonna run through these
(09:23):
real quick. So these first fourare judging. They are
criticizing namecallingdiagnosing, praising evaluative
Lee. The next ones are sendingsolutions, ordering threatening
moralizing, excessive orinappropriate questioning,
(09:43):
advising. And then these lastones are avoiding the others
concerns. Diverting, logicalargument reassuring and then he
goes into each one and discussesWhy? I'm not going to get into
it because it is kind of a longchapter. But so those are the 12
things that people will often dothat create roadblocks
(10:09):
communication. And like he said,not always, but they're
definitely more risk risky todo. So read the book, if you
want to get into that. Iremember a lot of these I was
like, Oh, wow, that's weird,like,
praising invaluably. Askingquestions. I mean, it's very I
(10:32):
would just read it, becauseit'll make a lot more sense. I
can read the book to you.
Alright. So yeah, I mentionedthat wanted to go over that. So
we did. I just want to say too,I noticed, a couple episodes
ago, I talked about sympathy andempathy. And why one was better
than the other in certainsituations or whatnot. Just make
(10:54):
a, I just want to make acorrection, I had those
backwards. So I said, I saidempathy was recognizing emotion,
but not going there with them.
And sympathy was understandingemotion, and going there with
and going there with them, but Ihadn't I had them backwards or
(11:16):
something like that. So I justwant to make that correction
real quick. I don't know if Isaid this before, but if I
didn't, I noticed sometimes I'llask someone a question. Like,
uh, I don't know, let's just sayI ask someone what their
favorite football team is.
Because I hear them talkingabout football. And they'll tell
me and blah, blah, blah. We'lltalk about a little bit. And
(11:37):
then like, I was like, Well,usually when I ask someone a
question like that, I kind ofwant them to ask me the same
question back. You know, it'llkind of like keep the
conversation going, or whatever.
So if anyone, if anybody asksyou like, Oh, hey, what would
you do this weekend? Stuff likethat. Just make sure to ask them
(11:58):
the same question back. Becausesometimes they actually just
want you to ask them. And it'scool. Like, I mean, it keeps the
conversation going. You can getalways getting some good
discussions about whatever. ButI mean, I've noticed that
actually, people aren't verygood at doing this. So a lot of
times, either No, I want them toask me the question back and
(12:19):
they don't. I'll either justforget about it. But sometimes
if I want to, I'll just be like,all this tell. I'll just, I'll
just answer my own question.
I've noticed that it's reallynot a big deal to do that. But
yeah, just keep that in mind.
Ask them the same question back.
Sometimes it's, you know, itworks out. I had some friends
over. My buddy and hisgirlfriend were over. And we're
(12:41):
watching movies, like all dayand stuff. And I were kind of
going around, see who wants topick the next movie, or the next
show? His girlfriend? We askedher several times, she's like,
Oh, no, I like her. And then onetime, like you sure you don't
want to pick she's like, shesaid, Now I don't want to pick
because if I pick, and it's bad,I don't. It's I'll feel bad or
(13:05):
whatever. And as it was funny tome, because I totally get that.
Like, sometimes you feel youfeel pressure when you when
you're making the decisions. Andyou can, it's hard to even enjoy
it because you're worried ifother people are enjoying it or
not. And it was just funny tohear someone actually say it out
(13:27):
loud. And I guess in some ways,you could, you could you could
say, oh, like, you know, lack ofconfidence or whatever. I don't
know what it was. But at thesame time, hearing someone be so
transparent, and authentic. wasa kind of life's like so
refreshing. You don't reallyhear people just verbalize their
(13:50):
own vulnerabilities. So clearly,she kind of decided nonchalantly
so it was like I don't know. Ijust appreciated it. I thought
it was pretty cool. Like I'm,I'm personally trying to be more
authentic and transparent. It'sa real journey, man. Having we
talked about having a goodattitude. And I wrote this down.
(14:10):
I think it's a good tip. Itsays, if you're gonna if someone
asks you to do something, doyour best to. And if like a lot
of times if someone asks you todo something, you don't really
want to do it. Like my sistermoved. And I she asked me she
(14:32):
asked if she's if I can help hermove. And, you know, anytime
someone asked me to move, Idon't want to do it.
It's a lot of work. Part of meis like, yeah, totally. I mean,
it's my sister, of course I'mgonna help her. So anytime you
have to do something like that.
Just do it with a really goodattitude. Like I was just, you
(14:54):
know, I made sure I got somegood night's sleep and And
they're bright and early. Iwasn't pissy or annoyed or acted
that way. I was just like, hey,how's it going? Let's get
Alright, let's let's, let's rockand roll. Let's get it done. And
bam, we banged it up real quick.
It's a real drain, when ifyou're working on people, and
(15:16):
someone just has it like a pissyattitude, it just sucks the
energy out of the room. And itmakes everything like a job that
is going to take eight hours,can easily take 16 Just because
the team's morale drops whensomeone has a pissy attitude. So
I mean, if anything, if you'rehaving a hard time mustering up
(15:38):
a great attitude, at least tryto be neutral, or not feeling
great, you can at least beneutral, but don't have a shitty
attitude. Especially if you havea shitty attitude at work,
you're not going to go very far.
If you have to do something dowith a good attitude. There's
something I was thinking of, Isee posted, a lot of people have
a big fear of rejection. And,you know, if I go and do this,
(16:02):
I'm going to look dumb, itdefinitely happens. And I still
feel it, here and there. Butwhen it comes up, this is
something that I I personallytried to do. I think it's, it
can be very helpful. Sometimes Ithink, you know, if I if I do
this thing, or if I try to belike social and I mess up or
(16:23):
talk to new people try to talksomeone new and just falls flat
on my face or try to reach outto someone I haven't talked to
and just doesn't go or whatever.
Sometimes I think it feels likeit's gonna be like a, a big mark
on me or whatever, I don't know,I just inflate the risks
(16:45):
involved when actually the riskis very low. But sometimes I'll
think, you know, in 100 years,no one is actually really gonna
care. No one is going to be onlike, Wikipedia and 100 years,
and your your fuckup is gonna beon the front page. It's not
like, you go and try to talksomeone and then or you try to
like talk to a group of people.
And they all just like, look atyou weird, and you feel dumb.
(17:07):
And then you go there the nextday, and they'd like there's a
plaque up on the wall. It saysin this spot, Jake Anderson
tried to talk to a group ofpeople and he looked really
stupid. Everyone make fun ofthem. And that plaque is there
forever. That's I mean, that'swhat it can feel sometimes,
like, everybody's gonna rememberthis. But really, in 100 years,
no one's really going to noone's even going to know your
(17:30):
name, probably. So I wouldn'tworry about something else, too,
that I wrote down is I know thatsometimes people feel very
concerned about others aroundthem and in society. And I the
only way to sing is how do Idescribe this? I guess it's just
being too nice. So I think somepeople are like total assholes.
(17:52):
But a lot of people are justlike way, way, way too nice. And
I noticed that they'reuncomfortable asking for stuff
or whatever. I've noticed thatI've actually become very
comfortable or much morecomfortable doing this. So I
wrote down here it says, I'mokay with slightly
inconveniencing others. Sotrying to think what good, good
(18:17):
example. So let me think, Oh, Ithink it was like at the Verizon
place, trying to get a switchand a bill over. Like, my sister
was paying for like, internetand I was like, I'll take care
of it. So we're switching itover. And then I was asking the
guy, he said it was gonna belike, $100 a month. And I was
(18:38):
like, Is there a way I could geta discount on it? My sister's
like, I don't know. She saidsomething like, Nate, he can't
do it, blah, blah. Why evenbother asking? I'm like, I'm
just asking. And he's like,yeah, sorry, I can't and it's
like, don't be afraid to askpeople for discounts and shit. I
actually do it a lot. Andunsurprisingly, more than I
(18:59):
would expect, I am able to get adiscount.
So just that's just one exampleof being willing to slightly
inconvenient others. Just Ithink it's, it's okay to do I
mean, like I said, it's only aslight inconvenience. I noticed
too that I came across thisthing again about body language
(19:22):
and said body language was 50%of the communique of
communication. And I just wantto then that needs to be said so
many times over and over again.
If you are not 100% sure thatyour body language looks really
good. Then you need to focus onthat for the next month, next
year. Okay, next two years,because it is such a huge part
(19:43):
of communication that if youaren't really really conscious
of it, it will it will be makeyou less effective. And I was
watching some videos on a Bodylanguage the other night, it's
been a while since I've evenreally thought about it. But I
was like, you know, I shouldprobably check out some videos
(20:06):
on it. And particularly, I waslooking at hand gestures.
There's a lot of really goodvideos out there for this stuff.
And most people aren't studyingbody language and hand gestures,
but they're so but they're soimportant communicating and can
make you a much more interestingand effective communicator. That
(20:31):
yeah, I mean, so many, mostpeople aren't doing this. So if
you're the one person that is,you can make significant gains
very quickly. In that area.
Something else I wanted tomention is I wrote down here, a
good vibe is like, high qualityoil. For your Social Engine,
(20:55):
having a good vibe really islike the high octane jump,
pushing the Nitro button fortalking to people, because
everybody likes to be aroundsomeone with a good vibe. I
mean, that's just a fact. Sojoke around, don't take yourself
too seriously, don't take life.
So seriously, be very, verypresent, have really good eye
(21:17):
contact and smile, stuff likethat. That'll improve your vibe.
And it makes everything so mucheasier. It makes something
that's kind of effective willmake it super effective. And
then I guess one more thing Iwant to mention is it says here.
Don't say yes. But say yes. Andso this is something I learned.
(21:41):
It's I guess it's kind of likewhen you're talking to someone,
maybe in a i, it's hard to saywhat situations I think this
comes up in a lot. I can'treally think of any specifically
on the top of my head. Butbasically, if you're having a
discussion with someone, andthen and you say yeah, but this
kind of just basically, yousounded like you were agreeing
(22:01):
with him. But what you did wasyou just in a way negated
everything that they just saidto you. And that's kind of like
a roadblock. So I found thatit's more effective to say yes,
and in a lot of situations, thatway, you don't negate what the
other person just said. Becauseif you negate what they just
(22:24):
said, they're going to be muchless willing to listen to what
you're saying. So that's gonnabe it for today. Hope you guys
are having a good time. Andothers pandemics to run on. So I
heard that people's levels ofstress, or anxiety or depression
or are on the rise. I think I'vemanaged to keep my levels
(22:49):
relatively low. I mean, Idefinitely don't feel depressed,
I feel pretty good. And I thinkthat's because I'm out there
still socializing with people,I'm still connecting with
people. I'm meeting new people.
And I'm also I'm also working onnew skills, I'm trying new
things. And like I said, I thinklife is really about becoming a
(23:12):
better person. I think that'swhat makes life rich and
enjoyable. SoSo yeah, if you're, if you're
stressed out or whatever, justyou know, keep working on
yourself and go for a walk outin nature. Like I went out to
the beach, yesterday. And a lotof times when I go walks in
nature, I make sure to leave myphone, and my headphones in my
(23:33):
car. I that's one of the timeswhere I'm not plugged in.
Because I'm so much. I'm on myphone a lot. I'm on my laptop a
lot. I'm connected to theinternet, a lot. Basically, I'm
watching TV a lot, or a movie,some watching something. If I'm
out in nature, I want to becompletely in nature. I want to
(23:53):
reconnect with the analog, youknow, be very present, I think,
yeah, I think it helps me to bemore present person when I can,
you know, consciously unplug andjust get back out into this
floating rockin space. But Inoticed that, you know, if
you're depressed, I would talkto someone, I think there's
(24:13):
like, I'll see, I'll check thisout. I'm going to look for a
website or something, because Ithought I found some free
places. Or I heard a place whereyou can call people and talk to
him or whatever. Because you canalways talk to your friends or
your family about stuff. But itdoes feel very good to talk to a
professional if you can. BecauseI saw that or I heard something
(24:36):
like talking to a therapist isbasically like going to the gym
for your brain. So I actuallysigned up for better help. It
was it's about like 200 I thinkit was like 254 a month, which
basically is like four sessions.
(24:57):
I just figured I was like hey,everyone's going to therapy,
maybe we'll try it out to seewhat it's like. And I'll tell
you what, man it's been awesome.
I've been able to talk aboutthings with my therapist that I
kind of just wanted to work outbecause life is very confusing
things you go through sometimesyou don't always process it the
correct way you feel like youyou have a good sense of what's
going on but man the brain is socomplicated man there's no way
(25:20):
you could figure it out.
Sometimes it's good to like talkthings out because things that I
thought were just black andwhite Hey, you know what turns
out the mature way to look at itis it's gray not everything is
exactly the way I thought itwas. And even though my
assessment might be correct,it's more healthy to just to
(25:43):
know that there's no way itcould be 100 Correct 100%
Correct about anything thingsare you know, there's a lot of
nuance to stuff so like I said,Not everything's black and white
but it's been very helpful totalk to someone I recommend it
like I said, it is kind ofexpensive but I felt I felt it
was worth it and I'm definitelyfeel like I'm getting my money
(26:03):
out of it so I guess that'sabout it for this week. I hope
you guys have a super awesomeweek. Go out there don't take
yourself too seriously like Ialways say and that's it
for you lady may be feeling theeffects of a past life have to
(26:24):
haul from a past life took theright path on the wrong 90
Japan's taking this right. Whata bizarre life I'll pull up the
car right it's a Mustang withthe beats Where have you seen
him? What'd it look like? Oh,women are taken for granted.
Upper Milan and a cannon issuefor the moon and the stars
numerous bras beautiful beingthe Godfather Keep the chin cell
(26:48):
below people with the luckyyoung Lennon and the nice to see
to press down so now in life isbetter with Buddy you bet on the
brother you win wax month in atank tops with the eight ball.
It's a check. If it wasn't foryou, we could be if it wasn't
(27:11):
for you, we could be
The window baby running away from the body I'm taking
much in the back seat. For thePowerball we can do it all with
the with the wineo newest gamesoff of she sing along, man. And
just when it couldn't getbetter, she talked to my ear
saying you got the chance. Yougot to choose us the bison. You
(00:45):
told me to walk in the right waysundown on a highway, you know
the feeling.
Hey. Welcome back to anotherepisode of the Social Skills
Lab. I'm your host, Nathan,Ahmet. This is episode number
(01:06):
19. I don't know it's today.
Saturday, February 5 2022. Soit's the first episode of the
year I think it might be. Well,Happy. Happy New Year. So how's
it going out there? How's yoursocial skills coming along?
(01:34):
Yeah, so this is a podcast,about learning social skills, if
you want to improve your socialskills, or expand your social
circle, for like, very shy, Iused to be I still am somewhat
of an introvert. But so yeah, Igrew up as a pretty shy kid and
(01:55):
learn quite a bit along the way,and was able to improve my
social skills, it's just askill. It's a skill set, like
anything else. Like you know, ifyou wanted to learn how to, if
you want to learn how to work ona car, just start learning and
(02:16):
then eventually you get really,really good at it. If you put
the time in and the effort,eventually, you'll get a lot
better. And you'll be veryproficient. So social skills are
pretty much the same thing. Theyseem like a real enigma.
Sometimes, if you if you aren'taware that you can actually get
better at it. Or if there's alot of information that you can
(02:37):
read. I mean, I don't know howyou aren't aware that
information is just flyingthrough the air at this point. I
mean, pretty much everyone has acomputer smartphone, you can
just google how to be better atanything, you know, find stuff.
So and then that's podcast, it'sI tried to be a one stop shop
(02:57):
resource, I just pretty muchtried to tell you everything
that I've learned along the way,and give you a lot of other
resources that you can use thatthat helped me that I found to
be very helpful. But yeah, justuse this one, this podcast as a
resource. There'll be a lot ofinformation. So I always
(03:21):
recommend going back to the verybeginning episode one, I kind of
I kind of have some, or I try tohave a natural progression
through one every episode. Imean, the later episodes, I'm
kind of just jumping around andlots of more lots of tips. But
the first 10 or so episodes, Itried to give the very, very
(03:46):
basics, where to start andwhatnot. So I very much
recommend going back andlistening, listening to every
single episode, not just once ortwice, but you know, use this as
a reference. So in a year, goback and listen to every episode
again. And then another coupleyears, listen to it again.
(04:07):
Because if you're improving yoursocial skills, you'll definitely
find stuff that you've forgotabout or something that would
make a lot more sense as you getbetter. So let's see here. I
kept mentioning that I wanted togo through this one book. This
(04:28):
is one of the books I recommend.
It's called people skills byRobert Bolton. This is one of
the first books I read. It'sreally really good. Let me see
it's about it's almost 300pages. That's why I'm saying I
can only really be a resourcebecause this book has so much
great information. I wouldliterally have to read the whole
(04:51):
book to you. There's no way Icould give you all the
information that's in this book.
And then like another otherbooks and stuff like that. It's
just There's way, way, way, waytoo much information. So a lot
of times when people like I'llsee posted online, like I'm on
the Reddit subreddit calledsocial skills, just put in
social skills, read it. Peopleput questions and stuff like
(05:14):
that in there. And they're like,am I'm really shy, I can only be
friends. I don't know what todo.
And people will like, putlittle, the respond. And there's
definitely a lot of good, reallygood information. But there's no
way you could tell someone howto be a lot better at social
(05:35):
skills in a paragraph. It's likesaying, How do I become a
mechanic, and then hoping thatsomeone will explain to you how
to be a mechanic in 200 words,you know, you actually have to
go out and learn how to become amechanic just like you have to
go out and learn how to be asocial person. Luckily, we have
(05:55):
so much resources that, like Isaid, if you're patient, very,
very patient, and willing tomake the mistakes and willing to
just talk to new people, thatyou'll get better. Over time,
you'll get better. At leastthat's what I think. But I'm no
doctor, so or a lawyer. So don'tdon't sue me if it doesn't work.
(06:21):
What else? Oh, see, I was sayingthis book, Robert Bolton. He
has. This is a this is one ofthe things I thought was pretty
interesting. He wrote downbarriers, it's all in chapter
two barriers to communication.
And he said, Okay, let me hestarts this with a quote that
says, By role, how theologianand educator a barrier to
(06:48):
communication is something thatkeeps meaning from meeting,
meaning barriers exists betweenall people, making communication
much more difficult than mostpeople seem to realize. It is
false to assume that if one cantalk he can communicate, because
(07:08):
so much of our educationmisleads people into thinking
that communication is easierthan it is, they become
discouraged, and they give upwhen they run into difficulty,
because they do not understandthe nature of the problem. They
do not know what to do. TheWonder is not that communicating
(07:29):
is difficult as it is but it butthat it occurs as much as it
does. kind of goes I think thisis similar to what I understood,
way back when I was learning.
Occasionally you'll meet someonewho is a talker will talk a lot.
(07:52):
Sometimes they're actually verygood at communicating, and are
fun to talk to you. Butsometimes, you'll meet someone
that talks a lot. And they don'treally understand. They're not
they're not actually making verygood communication, because
they're annoying or the theytalk you're off or whatever. So
just because someone talks a lotdoesn't mean they're really good
at a, an effective communicator.
And I've noticed that afterreading this, they're getting a
(08:17):
lot of stuff in here. So it sayshere why roadblocks are high
risk responses, so he can talkabout roadblocks. At first
glance, some of these barriersseem quite innocent. Praise,
reassurance, logical responses,questions and well intentioned,
well intentioned advice areoften thought of as positive
(08:38):
factors in interpersonalrelations. Why then do
behavioral scientists think thatthese 12 types of responses
think of these 12 types ofresponses as potentially
damaging to communication, these12 ways of responding are viewed
as high risk responses ratherthan inevitable destructive
(08:59):
elements of all communication,they are more likely to block
conversation, thwart the otherperson's problem solving
efficiency, and increase theemotional distance between
people then other ways ofcommunication. However, at
times, people use theseresponses with little or no
obvious negative effect. So I'mjust gonna run through these
(09:23):
real quick. So these first fourare judging. They are
criticizing namecallingdiagnosing, praising evaluative
Lee. The next ones are sendingsolutions, ordering threatening
moralizing, excessive orinappropriate questioning,
(09:43):
advising. And then these lastones are avoiding the others
concerns. Diverting, logicalargument reassuring and then he
goes into each one and discussesWhy? I'm not going to get into
it because it is kind of a longchapter. But so those are the 12
things that people will often dothat create roadblocks
(10:09):
communication. And like he said,not always, but they're
definitely more risk risky todo. So read the book, if you
want to get into that. Iremember a lot of these I was
like, Oh, wow, that's weird,like,
praising invaluably. Askingquestions. I mean, it's very I
(10:32):
would just read it, becauseit'll make a lot more sense. I
can read the book to you.
Alright. So yeah, I mentionedthat wanted to go over that. So
we did. I just want to say too,I noticed, a couple episodes
ago, I talked about sympathy andempathy. And why one was better
than the other in certainsituations or whatnot. Just make
(10:54):
a, I just want to make acorrection, I had those
backwards. So I said, I saidempathy was recognizing emotion,
but not going there with them.
And sympathy was understandingemotion, and going there with
and going there with them, but Ihadn't I had them backwards or
(11:16):
something like that. So I justwant to make that correction
real quick. I don't know if Isaid this before, but if I
didn't, I noticed sometimes I'llask someone a question. Like,
uh, I don't know, let's just sayI ask someone what their
favorite football team is.
Because I hear them talkingabout football. And they'll tell
me and blah, blah, blah. We'lltalk about a little bit. And
(11:37):
then like, I was like, Well,usually when I ask someone a
question like that, I kind ofwant them to ask me the same
question back. You know, it'llkind of like keep the
conversation going, or whatever.
So if anyone, if anybody asksyou like, Oh, hey, what would
you do this weekend? Stuff likethat. Just make sure to ask them
(11:58):
the same question back. Becausesometimes they actually just
want you to ask them. And it'scool. Like, I mean, it keeps the
conversation going. You can getalways getting some good
discussions about whatever. ButI mean, I've noticed that
actually, people aren't verygood at doing this. So a lot of
times, either No, I want them toask me the question back and
(12:19):
they don't. I'll either justforget about it. But sometimes
if I want to, I'll just be like,all this tell. I'll just, I'll
just answer my own question.
I've noticed that it's reallynot a big deal to do that. But
yeah, just keep that in mind.
Ask them the same question back.
Sometimes it's, you know, itworks out. I had some friends
over. My buddy and hisgirlfriend were over. And we're
(12:41):
watching movies, like all dayand stuff. And I were kind of
going around, see who wants topick the next movie, or the next
show? His girlfriend? We askedher several times, she's like,
Oh, no, I like her. And then onetime, like you sure you don't
want to pick she's like, shesaid, Now I don't want to pick
because if I pick, and it's bad,I don't. It's I'll feel bad or
(13:05):
whatever. And as it was funny tome, because I totally get that.
Like, sometimes you feel youfeel pressure when you when
you're making the decisions. Andyou can, it's hard to even enjoy
it because you're worried ifother people are enjoying it or
not. And it was just funny tohear someone actually say it out
(13:27):
loud. And I guess in some ways,you could, you could you could
say, oh, like, you know, lack ofconfidence or whatever. I don't
know what it was. But at thesame time, hearing someone be so
transparent, and authentic. wasa kind of life's like so
refreshing. You don't reallyhear people just verbalize their
(13:50):
own vulnerabilities. So clearly,she kind of decided nonchalantly
so it was like I don't know. Ijust appreciated it. I thought
it was pretty cool. Like I'm,I'm personally trying to be more
authentic and transparent. It'sa real journey, man. Having we
talked about having a goodattitude. And I wrote this down.
(14:10):
I think it's a good tip. Itsays, if you're gonna if someone
asks you to do something, doyour best to. And if like a lot
of times if someone asks you todo something, you don't really
want to do it. Like my sistermoved. And I she asked me she
(14:32):
asked if she's if I can help hermove. And, you know, anytime
someone asked me to move, Idon't want to do it.
It's a lot of work. Part of meis like, yeah, totally. I mean,
it's my sister, of course I'mgonna help her. So anytime you
have to do something like that.
Just do it with a really goodattitude. Like I was just, you
(14:54):
know, I made sure I got somegood night's sleep and And
they're bright and early. Iwasn't pissy or annoyed or acted
that way. I was just like, hey,how's it going? Let's get
Alright, let's let's, let's rockand roll. Let's get it done. And
bam, we banged it up real quick.
It's a real drain, when ifyou're working on people, and
(15:16):
someone just has it like a pissyattitude, it just sucks the
energy out of the room. And itmakes everything like a job that
is going to take eight hours,can easily take 16 Just because
the team's morale drops whensomeone has a pissy attitude. So
I mean, if anything, if you'rehaving a hard time mustering up
(15:38):
a great attitude, at least tryto be neutral, or not feeling
great, you can at least beneutral, but don't have a shitty
attitude. Especially if you havea shitty attitude at work,
you're not going to go very far.
If you have to do something dowith a good attitude. There's
something I was thinking of, Isee posted, a lot of people have
a big fear of rejection. And,you know, if I go and do this,
(16:02):
I'm going to look dumb, itdefinitely happens. And I still
feel it, here and there. Butwhen it comes up, this is
something that I I personallytried to do. I think it's, it
can be very helpful. Sometimes Ithink, you know, if I if I do
this thing, or if I try to belike social and I mess up or
(16:23):
talk to new people try to talksomeone new and just falls flat
on my face or try to reach outto someone I haven't talked to
and just doesn't go or whatever.
Sometimes I think it feels likeit's gonna be like a, a big mark
on me or whatever, I don't know,I just inflate the risks
(16:45):
involved when actually the riskis very low. But sometimes I'll
think, you know, in 100 years,no one is actually really gonna
care. No one is going to be onlike, Wikipedia and 100 years,
and your your fuckup is gonna beon the front page. It's not
like, you go and try to talksomeone and then or you try to
like talk to a group of people.
And they all just like, look atyou weird, and you feel dumb.
(17:07):
And then you go there the nextday, and they'd like there's a
plaque up on the wall. It saysin this spot, Jake Anderson
tried to talk to a group ofpeople and he looked really
stupid. Everyone make fun ofthem. And that plaque is there
forever. That's I mean, that'swhat it can feel sometimes,
like, everybody's gonna rememberthis. But really, in 100 years,
no one's really going to noone's even going to know your
(17:30):
name, probably. So I wouldn'tworry about something else, too,
that I wrote down is I know thatsometimes people feel very
concerned about others aroundthem and in society. And I the
only way to sing is how do Idescribe this? I guess it's just
being too nice. So I think somepeople are like total assholes.
(17:52):
But a lot of people are justlike way, way, way too nice. And
I noticed that they'reuncomfortable asking for stuff
or whatever. I've noticed thatI've actually become very
comfortable or much morecomfortable doing this. So I
wrote down here it says, I'mokay with slightly
inconveniencing others. Sotrying to think what good, good
(18:17):
example. So let me think, Oh, Ithink it was like at the Verizon
place, trying to get a switchand a bill over. Like, my sister
was paying for like, internetand I was like, I'll take care
of it. So we're switching itover. And then I was asking the
guy, he said it was gonna belike, $100 a month. And I was
(18:38):
like, Is there a way I could geta discount on it? My sister's
like, I don't know. She saidsomething like, Nate, he can't
do it, blah, blah. Why evenbother asking? I'm like, I'm
just asking. And he's like,yeah, sorry, I can't and it's
like, don't be afraid to askpeople for discounts and shit. I
actually do it a lot. Andunsurprisingly, more than I
(18:59):
would expect, I am able to get adiscount.
So just that's just one exampleof being willing to slightly
inconvenient others. Just Ithink it's, it's okay to do I
mean, like I said, it's only aslight inconvenience. I noticed
too that I came across thisthing again about body language
(19:22):
and said body language was 50%of the communique of
communication. And I just wantto then that needs to be said so
many times over and over again.
If you are not 100% sure thatyour body language looks really
good. Then you need to focus onthat for the next month, next
year. Okay, next two years,because it is such a huge part
(19:43):
of communication that if youaren't really really conscious
of it, it will it will be makeyou less effective. And I was
watching some videos on a Bodylanguage the other night, it's
been a while since I've evenreally thought about it. But I
was like, you know, I shouldprobably check out some videos
(20:06):
on it. And particularly, I waslooking at hand gestures.
There's a lot of really goodvideos out there for this stuff.
And most people aren't studyingbody language and hand gestures,
but they're so but they're soimportant communicating and can
make you a much more interestingand effective communicator. That
(20:31):
yeah, I mean, so many, mostpeople aren't doing this. So if
you're the one person that is,you can make significant gains
very quickly. In that area.
Something else I wanted tomention is I wrote down here, a
good vibe is like, high qualityoil. For your Social Engine,
(20:55):
having a good vibe really islike the high octane jump,
pushing the Nitro button fortalking to people, because
everybody likes to be aroundsomeone with a good vibe. I
mean, that's just a fact. Sojoke around, don't take yourself
too seriously, don't take life.
So seriously, be very, verypresent, have really good eye
(21:17):
contact and smile, stuff likethat. That'll improve your vibe.
And it makes everything so mucheasier. It makes something
that's kind of effective willmake it super effective. And
then I guess one more thing Iwant to mention is it says here.
Don't say yes. But say yes. Andso this is something I learned.
(21:41):
It's I guess it's kind of likewhen you're talking to someone,
maybe in a i, it's hard to saywhat situations I think this
comes up in a lot. I can'treally think of any specifically
on the top of my head. Butbasically, if you're having a
discussion with someone, andthen and you say yeah, but this
kind of just basically, yousounded like you were agreeing
(22:01):
with him. But what you did wasyou just in a way negated
everything that they just saidto you. And that's kind of like
a roadblock. So I found thatit's more effective to say yes,
and in a lot of situations, thatway, you don't negate what the
other person just said. Becauseif you negate what they just
(22:24):
said, they're going to be muchless willing to listen to what
you're saying. So that's gonnabe it for today. Hope you guys
are having a good time. Andothers pandemics to run on. So I
heard that people's levels ofstress, or anxiety or depression
or are on the rise. I think I'vemanaged to keep my levels
(22:49):
relatively low. I mean, Idefinitely don't feel depressed,
I feel pretty good. And I thinkthat's because I'm out there
still socializing with people,I'm still connecting with
people. I'm meeting new people.
And I'm also I'm also working onnew skills, I'm trying new
things. And like I said, I thinklife is really about becoming a
(23:12):
better person. I think that'swhat makes life rich and
enjoyable. SoSo yeah, if you're, if you're
stressed out or whatever, justyou know, keep working on
yourself and go for a walk outin nature. Like I went out to
the beach, yesterday. And a lotof times when I go walks in
nature, I make sure to leave myphone, and my headphones in my
(23:33):
car. I that's one of the timeswhere I'm not plugged in.
Because I'm so much. I'm on myphone a lot. I'm on my laptop a
lot. I'm connected to theinternet, a lot. Basically, I'm
watching TV a lot, or a movie,some watching something. If I'm
out in nature, I want to becompletely in nature. I want to
(23:53):
reconnect with the analog, youknow, be very present, I think,
yeah, I think it helps me to bemore present person when I can,
you know, consciously unplug andjust get back out into this
floating rockin space. But Inoticed that, you know, if
you're depressed, I would talkto someone, I think there's
(24:13):
like, I'll see, I'll check thisout. I'm going to look for a
website or something, because Ithought I found some free
places. Or I heard a place whereyou can call people and talk to
him or whatever. Because you canalways talk to your friends or
your family about stuff. But itdoes feel very good to talk to a
professional if you can. BecauseI saw that or I heard something
(24:36):
like talking to a therapist isbasically like going to the gym
for your brain. So I actuallysigned up for better help. It
was it's about like 200 I thinkit was like 254 a month, which
basically is like four sessions.
(24:57):
I just figured I was like hey,everyone's going to therapy,
maybe we'll try it out to seewhat it's like. And I'll tell
you what, man it's been awesome.
I've been able to talk aboutthings with my therapist that I
kind of just wanted to work outbecause life is very confusing
things you go through sometimesyou don't always process it the
correct way you feel like youyou have a good sense of what's
going on but man the brain is socomplicated man there's no way
(25:20):
you could figure it out.
Sometimes it's good to like talkthings out because things that I
thought were just black andwhite Hey, you know what turns
out the mature way to look at itis it's gray not everything is
exactly the way I thought itwas. And even though my
assessment might be correct,it's more healthy to just to
(25:43):
know that there's no way itcould be 100 Correct 100%
Correct about anything thingsare you know, there's a lot of
nuance to stuff so like I said,Not everything's black and white
but it's been very helpful totalk to someone I recommend it
like I said, it is kind ofexpensive but I felt I felt it
was worth it and I'm definitelyfeel like I'm getting my money
(26:03):
out of it so I guess that'sabout it for this week. I hope
you guys have a super awesomeweek. Go out there don't take
yourself too seriously like Ialways say and that's it
for you lady may be feeling theeffects of a past life have to
(26:24):
haul from a past life took theright path on the wrong 90
Japan's taking this right. Whata bizarre life I'll pull up the
car right it's a Mustang withthe beats Where have you seen
him? What'd it look like? Oh,women are taken for granted.
Upper Milan and a cannon issuefor the moon and the stars
numerous bras beautiful beingthe Godfather Keep the chin cell
(26:48):
below people with the luckyyoung Lennon and the nice to see
to press down so now in life isbetter with Buddy you bet on the
brother you win wax month in atank tops with the eight ball.
It's a check. If it wasn't foryou, we could be if it wasn't
(27:11):
for you, we could be
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!