February 2, 2024 • 26 mins
A thought-provoking discussion of the critical role of respect in relationships, peppered with personal anecdotes that bring to life the pain of feeling dismissed and the strain it puts on love. What happens when respect is lost? Can it be regained? The importance of asserting oneself and setting boundaries, understanding and valuing each other's roles and differences.
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Do?
Champion bachelors Craig andGreg present a myriad of topics
(00:36):
centering on relationships andaddictions and the positive
lights of experience, strengthand hope.
Both have struggled with thestrongholds of addiction and
with relationships that wentawry, and both have emerged on
the other side stronger, wiserand better prepared to become
what they once set out to be.
You're listening to theSolution.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Hey, welcome to the Solution.
I'm your host, craig Dowlin,and tonight we are sitting at
the round table.
I'm here with my two buddies,josh and Greg, and we're going
to have a good time.
We're going to be talking aboutthe word respect, and that is a
that's a million dollar wordwhen it comes to relationships.
Right, fellas, absolutely.
Yes.
Here's a quote I can come outon my own.
(01:26):
But the most important thing toremember about men is that they
value being respected more thanthey value feeling loved.
See, that's two differentthings there, but we've been so
conditioned to think of love,love, love.
Right, you don't go to a moviewhere it says Nicole Kidman
totally respects Tom Cruise.
(01:48):
That's not going to be who theviewers it's got to be.
Nicole Kidman falls in lovewith Tom Cruise Boom, right.
Rather than Nicole Kidmanrespects Tom.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Hot, heavy, respect all night.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
But from a guy, if that respect isn't there, it's
done.
Yes, you know.
And for a woman, hey, she needsto be respected too.
But as far as the chain of whatorder you would put respect and
love in, I'd love it a littlebit higher.
It's way higher for men, butit's got to be there in both
(02:23):
relationships.
Respect has to be a.
It's a pretty big cog and it'sa really big ingredient for men
in that love relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
We can say it's his love.
Possible without respect?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Right, it's not.
Is a man loving his girlfriend?
Is it possible to have that andnot have respect?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I thought that I've loved people that maybe it
turned out I was not respectingand in retrospect I don't think
that was really love.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Right, Totally Exactly.
Love was not in there.
And I don't feel respected iswhen I feel I'm being dismissed,
Right, you know, and that kindof shows in their body language,
Like or you know, if you startto talk, you're in a
conversation.
Let's say, here you go.
Let's say you're in aconversation.
You know your girlfriend oryour wife, she gets home off of
(03:18):
work.
You let her dump everythingdown, right, yeah, Give her a
day out.
You know, give out her day.
And then afterwards maybe yourturn to talk a little bit
because she feels good.
You know the you basicallypulled the pin, you know, to let
out the gas out of that balloon.
Right, you know, we're justkind of deflates and can relax.
(03:40):
Now it's your turn to talk alittle bit.
You start to talk about yourday and all of a sudden she's
turned around to go to do thedishes or whatever.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
You know you feel dismissed.
You feel dismissed.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
You're like hey, where's the love?
Well, when you say where's thelove, you're saying where's the
respect?
Essentially right, yes.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
That makes sense yeah , that hurts.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It does it hurts if you're yeah, if you're dismissed
and it and it's a, it's a bigsignal, it's a big well, it's a
red flag.
It was something to work on.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You know, how do they acknowledge your, how do they
acknowledge your opinions oryour beliefs, you know, and that
a lot of that goes down to yourvalues too.
Are your values and beliefssomewhat the same?
So a lot of this, you know,everything we talk about
trickles down to something else.
(04:35):
Yes, but to have any of this,anything in the way of love, I
think the big lynchpin, the biglynchpin is respect, right, and
we're just here to try to passthat along and just to give some
ideas to how to get it, how togive it and how to get it.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
And also, too, how to recognize it Like disrespect.
How to recognize it too, ohyeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
If she's disrespecting you or if you're
disrespecting her.
Right, you know it goes bothways.
You know how?
How?
How would the gal want to feelthat she is getting your respect
?
Come on, you know, I'm gonnatell you right now.
It says zero.
Demonstrating respect for yourpartner can involve
(05:24):
Acknowledging his opinion,supporting his goals and
avoiding criticism.
Okay, some behaviors ofdisrespect and relationships
include this is coming from herto him, like she's nagging
Criticism, stonewalling,stonewalling, as if she's
basically cutting off all thecommunication and a guy can feel
(05:48):
that.
We can feel that, right, oh godwe're being stoned.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
All this like what?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
the heck Put downs pressuring the others.
You know a threat to end therelationship or marriage.
That's a bad place to go.
I've been guilty doing that inthe past because you get
frustrated.
Yes, you're like man.
If this is gonna keep on, Idon't know if this relationship
is gonna work.
Well, that's not something tosay, unless you're.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
This is true you may have been trying to set a
boundary, but I'm maybe that'snot the way to do that.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I guess, right, it's because then they feel it like
happy if you're partly out thedoor.
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah, once you're thinking about ending it, then
maybe they they begin to yeah,or they just they're like geez,
what's going on here?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
So that's a.
You know that's a big one.
Let's just give some real-lifeexamples of how we felt
disrespected.
This happened to me some yearsago.
You know, out of the blue, justout of the blue.
You know who first knew I waswith at that time.
(06:59):
They went into this type of arage.
I mean, it was just.
It was like whoa, what's goingon?
And Because prior to that, theonly thing I've ever done Would
be considered bad, as I did atone time I poured a big gulp
over my girlfriend's head and Iknow that's bad to say that's as
(07:20):
bad as ever gotten with me.
She's like Mountain Dew becauseI Don't have good.
Probably was about do to herPepsi, I don't know.
But what, what caused that?
I can't remember.
This is back in the 80s.
You know I had a mullet.
I had a mullet back then I wasgoing to college, right, and I
had a big gulp in my hand.
That's a 32 ounce beverage,probably a Pepsi, that's about
(07:44):
too too many.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
It was it was.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
It was in the winter time, and Did she call you a
Kentucky waterfall?
Speaker 1 (07:51):
she?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Don't know she.
She called me guy with a mullet, you know, and I didn't play
hockey back then, or nothingeither.
I just said my hair growl inthe back, but um, but anyway
that's business.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
This was another time , though.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
This was another time with a girlfriend.
She just got extremely,extremely jealous.
Just boom out of the blue andbefore I knew it I was being
called names.
I'd be called everything at ahigh volume, high volume, and
Right then I knew, you know,there's crimes of passion.
(08:29):
People can get into passion,you know, I can really take them
over the top.
But then when there's namescalled yes and when they're not
willing to bring it down, ifthere's a little bit of it, is
there a chair or two thrown?
If there's things wipe off mydesk, wow, just scattered.
At that point it's crossed theline.
It's crossed the line.
The respect is gone, you know.
(08:51):
And when respect is gone it'shard to get back, because then
you think they're Possiblyfaking it.
Hmm, yes, because respect is,is it?
It's a word that that reallyyou can't fake it with that word
?
No, I don't think you can't,can you know?
I mean and you can see, and itshould be something that, if
(09:16):
anybody's in a relationship yeah, I or gal, that's always that's
something to really look for inyour partner Are they
respecting you?
You know, a guy might tell youthat he just loves you and All
this and blah, blah, blah.
Well, if he's not respectingyou and treating you like you
need to be treated, then youknow that that's not the guy.
(09:38):
You know, because people dofake it.
Yes, you know, in their mindthey'll think, well, I'll fake
it till I make it.
Well, you know, year four is inyour marriage.
He's still faking it or he'sstill not making it.
You know.
So you want to know before yousay the nuptials Right, yeah,
before you walk down that line.
(09:59):
So this person had given intothe passion of rage and yes, the
person that I was yep at thattime and I knew that there was a
, I just thought, wow, this is asituation that's just gotten
way out of control.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Had you eaten all the chunky peanut butter again, or?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Right, I ate.
Yep, all I did is leave them alittle bit of creamy.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Just put that back in the fridge and just didn't like
it in the fridge anyway.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
But when there's just nothing but a swallow left,
yeah, when you Just a bite, ohyou pull your toast out of the
toaster and you throw somebutter on it and there ain't no
peanut butter to top it off with.
It's sad I'm sitting thereeating the peanut butter
sandwich at the same time.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Yeah, up goes the desk.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Where's the respect right?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Where's the respect, but no respect is a.
I think that's something youcan't cover up for a long time.
People you got to remember,though, guys or gals, they all
are going to put their best footforward at first, so can you
earn respect back?
I personally think you can.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I'm speaking from a guy's standpoint.
How do you get that back?
Do you guys think I mean we allhave our.
I have my definite thoughts onthat.
Oh, okay, I'll just go Go forit, go for it.
To get that respect back, youtell them no.
You know Not if you're wantingto say yes, but I mean there are
(11:26):
situations that go on in arelationship where the guy's
sitting there going, yeah, Idon't want to say nothing, I
kind of want to keep the peace.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
And once in a while, though, when you don't want to
keep the peace, when you feellike little feet are running
over your head, like you'regetting run over by her, then
you got to put a stop to that.
Because of the gal and thegal's listening to this right
now.
I guarantee you, you want theguy to tell you no, don't you.
(12:01):
You want to feel the strengthof your boyfriend or husband or
fiance.
You want to feel that strength,because that's what keeps the
relationship together.
If you feel that you can walkover the guy, that your partner
ladies.
That's not a good feeling, isit?
And so to be a leader, to be aman of the house, hey, you say
(12:25):
no.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
You've stayed with us this far, and that shows
commitment, proving you possessthe trait required to obtain the
solution.
Now let's rejoin the showalready in progress.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
We're all going to do things in life that are on the
edge of respectful or not.
We all everybody tries theirbest, but we're I heard a good
saying one time we're all like abunch of bozos on the bus,
right, we're all prone tomistake.
Everybody tries their best, butthat's why you have to have a
(13:03):
lot of grace.
Forgive your spouse on bothways, but you can earn that
respect back.
Just because something's takenaway, it's not gone forever.
There's always a way to get itback.
There's always a way to getback.
Respect is going to come in anintuitive way, a non-intuitive
(13:23):
way.
You know what I mean.
It's not going to feel natural.
You're going to have to exertyourself within that
relationship to take thatrespect back and to earn it back
.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I don't think it has to be addressed to explicitly.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
What took place, you mean?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, yes.
It has to be an acknowledgementfrom both parties and then
maybe a plan to keep that frombeing displayed again, to keep
disrespect from surfacing againin that way.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
How about, josh, if whoever that you're in, what if
one of the people doing therespects does not, will not
acknowledge it that theydisrespected you?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Very difficult, very difficult.
That would be a red flag thatyou would not want to collect.
You would want to.
You know you would want to.
If you can't acknowledge thedisrespect, they may just need
some time.
It may be a situation whereyou're not going to get it all
(14:30):
out in one night, or onemouthful or what have you, and
you may need to walk away for amoment in order to let the
person think and become fullyretrospect about what had
happened, because Nine times outof ten, hopefully, the person
that you've had disagreementwith is going to.
If they've been totally in thewrong, they know that, they know
it.
It's just their pride in themoment that is keeping them from
(14:51):
being able to admit it.
If you give them some time andspace and they're a good person,
they will come around and theywill apologize, right.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
The only times when we know they're not going to
there are those times, right.
Yes, that's what's described asa trait of a narcissist.
They cannot be held accountable.
Those are the red flags thatyou want to find out before you
say I do Absolutely, becauseafter you say I do, it gets a
(15:24):
little bit harder to say I don't.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Because that involves things.
That's it Right.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I might.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Sometimes what they say can be bad.
This happened to me severalyears ago and I looked back at
it.
I should have bolted then.
Girl told me that duck, I'mriding in the front seat of her
car and she goes.
Duck the girl.
I've seen what's going on.
She was well.
I told my dad that I washanging out with my boyfriend
today.
Why are you having me duck?
(15:58):
She goes they think of you as afriend.
They haven't met my boyfriendyet, according to them.
What are you talking about?
They approve of you as a friend, but they do not approve you as
a boyfriend for me because youdon't come from a wealthy family
.
I said I'm just a poor collegestudent trying to make a name
(16:18):
for myself.
She goes still, they don'tapprove of you, greg.
It's just better this way.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What you're describing is a perfect
opportunity to get back anyrespect that you had lost there
by telling her I don't think soand then actually sticking your
head out the window and waving.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yeah, you know what's funny.
Then she giggled and laughedafter that and I go were you
serious?
She goes yes, yeah, it was mydad who would be very hard on me
.
He raised me to be with adoctor.
Yeah and I just thought that wassad.
So I need us to say thatrelationship didn't work out.
We went back and forth, brokeup, got together, broke up and,
(17:02):
yeah, thank God it didn't end upwith her.
Did you duck?
That was the only time I ducked.
She tried to get me to do itone other time and I said no, no
, no, goose instead no.
And then when I did confronther in her behavior one time,
right while she was driving thecar, she hauled off with her
fist and jacked me in the.
(17:22):
I was the passenger in the car.
She actually jacked me in the,you know, punched me with her
fist.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Wow, I left cheek and I go.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Who did you learn that behavior from?
I go.
That's what I was always toldto say.
Like if somebody does somethingcrazy, you look at them and say
where did you learn thisbehavior?
From A girl that was raised asproper.
As you learned this behaviorfrom someplace.
Where did you learn this from?
I go?
Speaker 2 (17:46):
pull over no no, no, no I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Little things like that, some things are
irreparable, they're beyondrepair at that particular time,
so need us to say that left abad feeling in my stomach and I
knew there wouldn't be a futurethere.
No, that's yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
That's a rough one, yes, it is, yeah, yeah, usually,
for some reason, emotions getinvolved in so many things,
right, yeah, and emotions themoment they happen, right up
here, they're way up here, right, yes.
But then if you give it a fewdays, they go down, they, you
know, they deescalate, yes, andthen quite often you can come
(18:27):
back together and make somethings happen, try to work
through it.
Right, there are some placeswhere the deescalation process
it doesn't, it can't take itdown far enough, where you can
get back together.
But that's pretty rare, isn'tit?
Yes, because people go at it,relationships, they, there's
(18:49):
usually a point where they canwork through whatever, or if
it's just, or if it's somethingthat just keeps happening and
the one party just says you know, I didn't, this isn't my fault,
this is not my fault, right?
If that one party keeps sayingthat over and over, that's where
things have to split.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yes, yes, if you're in different realities, then
yeah, how can you coexist?
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Yeah, some people are , as the saying goes, diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.
Wow, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,they say, are Exactly, they go
back to driver's ed is what theyneed to do.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
I remember several times that disrespect cropped up
in my in my second marriage.
My wife was a little bityounger than me but and I knew
she, you know, had a lot ofliving to do.
But I wasn't expecting to bethe object lesson quite so often
as I was.
But anyway, to make a longstory short, I had followed her
(19:53):
from Iowa out to Massachusettsas well as she went to do some
graduate work.
At the time she just, for somereason, her respect for me just
just bottomed out.
I think it was because we hadwe had previously agreed that I
was gonna come out there and belike a house husband and take
(20:14):
Care of the apartment it's veryexpensive apartment.
She'd found us in Malden,massachusetts, and so that she
never had to worry about Food orcleaning or anything.
She should just come home andbe relaxed.
And so I was doing that.
But she started.
She started getting on thisthing about why didn't you look
for a job, and that was that wasnot, that had not been our
agreement.
But it came to the point whereI Realized I better get a job,
(20:38):
because she was not going torespect me unless I was Working
some minimum wage thing down thestreet.
So that's what I did, but itcontinued, this kind of this
disrespect bordering on contempt.
Where you could, you could seeyour eyes rolling or you could
just feel them.
And I remember we went to get abank account to get together
(20:58):
and I was saying, well, we couldhave a few different accounts
we could.
We could each have our own bankaccount and then we could have
a joined bank account, whichI've later have gone on to read
about that.
That's a really good idea.
Or, or let's say, psychologistsand or financial advisors are
recommending this for marriedpeople.
But when I was trying to talk toher about it, she just looked
(21:20):
at me with the utmost, I Guessthe the look would be contempt,
that's, that's the best way todescribe it like she Not only
didn't respect my opinion, butshe Didn't respect me, and she
never.
It felt really like she neverwanted to hear my input on
anything.
It just all, in that moment,sort of came crashing in.
It was, and she, she was proneto those kind of Sort of bouts
(21:45):
of disrespect which which Ifound very odd because I found
it to be, you know, at odds,which I thought was her sweet
nature, but she also had thisside of that was this very, very
Sometimes superior and holierthan, and it was very, it was
very off-putting and it kind ofit brought out the worst and me
(22:06):
to her, brought out somemischievous behavior.
Because one time she wasmeeting some friends of hers
were flying in From China andshe was gonna meet these women
at a restaurant and she wassaying to me Do you think you
could come up with somethinginteresting to talk about?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
At dinner.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
She's saying like don't be, you know, as in she
didn't say this, I'm thinkingdon't be your normal boring
childish self you know, try totry to say something interesting
, and I said, oh, no problem.
And so what I did, it was, ofcourse, the complete opposite.
At dinner, I made a completefool of myself on purpose and I
kept trying to give them butterand butter their bread and
(22:44):
saying, oh, you look like youneed butter, don't you like
butter?
And and just being a completenincompoop and and I very much
embarrassed Linda and I was Iwas delighted.
She was mortified solid way todo.
Yeah, like you know, just kindof just clumsily like a drunk
trying to apply, reaching overto their plate and putting the
butter on the bread for them.
(23:04):
They say and Linda saying shedoesn't eat butter.
She doesn't eat butter, shedoes.
Now, oh, you don't know eat,you know eat her bread.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
So I have.
I have a question Now.
When she didn't respect you,yeah, but with the, you felt
that she wasn't respecting you.
About the when you initiallygot there, yeah, do you think
and I don't know I mean, I'mnice kind of playing devil's
advocate was it because youthink, because she wanted you,
(23:37):
whether she knew it or not, shewanted you to be the, the
breadwinner right then, to goout, go out and get that job,
even subconsciously?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Maybe, maybe there was some kind of.
Yeah invisible ideal that shewas, yeah, trying to have us
live up to that.
I wasn't aware of where she wascoming from on this or why I
had suddenly become such anembarrassment to her, because I
never, I never thought of usthat way and I never thought
(24:08):
that I had yeah, because youthought you guys had talked
about it prior to going outthere and that you had this deal
arranged how you were right,yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I'm just wondering if some sometimes you know just
Some things you know, you thinkhow, maybe subconsciously, she
was thinking that I don't know,or or you know yeah she was very
Impressionable.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
I guess, and I think she, through the course of
attending grad school and thenfollowing an internship with,
with, with the CPA firm, thatthat followed that.
I think, she took on someopinionated opinions of people
that were her colleagues andPeople I never met, or anything
(24:51):
but it it get when even went sofar as like Feeling like she
didn't want me to attend hergraduation because she was
embarrassed, oh wow, by my veryexistence and I just felt like
you know, you do a lot worse.
That's just dismissive.
It was, yeah, it was terrible,and then yeah, and I remember
thinking this is, and I didn'tsay it, but I remember thinking
(25:12):
this is not good.
You know, if this continues,we'll be divorced.
It's very soon, because I can't.
I Couldn't abide that.
And later it went on to herdisrespecting my family and
saying she didn't want to.
When we drove back to Iowa fromMassachusetts, she didn't want
to stop and visit my family inVermont because they were
rednecks.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
She needs a plate of butter dropped on her head right
there or something, because thebig goal, or the big goal, the
big goal.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Yeah, thirsty Are we.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
that is that is very, very dismissive and that is
yeah, it was awful, I feel foryou, josh.
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Yeah, I would have read this paragraph real quick.
Okay love can sometimes blindyou to the reality of a bad
situation, even if the otherperson doesn't respect you.
But respect is much moreimportant when you're looking
for a long-term relationship,then just love.
Respect is all about honoringeach other's differences.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, absolutely.
I love that the way it ended.
Honoring people's differences,respect is huge.
Yes, we've had a great time.
Greg and Josh, I bid you adieu,good night.
This concludes this episode ofthe solution.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our
next episode.
Send your questions andcomments to Craig 2042 at
gmailcom.
Be sure to subscribe to thesolution so you can be notified
the moment the next excitingepisode is ready for you to
listen to.
And please leave a review onApple podcasts or on your
(26:37):
favorite podcast player.
Do?
Champion bachelors Craig andGreg present a myriad of topics
(00:36):
centering on relationships andaddictions and the positive
lights of experience, strengthand hope.
Both have struggled with thestrongholds of addiction and
with relationships that wentawry, and both have emerged on
the other side stronger, wiserand better prepared to become
what they once set out to be.
You're listening to theSolution.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Hey, welcome to the Solution.
I'm your host, craig Dowlin,and tonight we are sitting at
the round table.
I'm here with my two buddies,josh and Greg, and we're going
to have a good time.
We're going to be talking aboutthe word respect, and that is a
that's a million dollar wordwhen it comes to relationships.
Right, fellas, absolutely.
Yes.
Here's a quote I can come outon my own.
(01:26):
But the most important thing toremember about men is that they
value being respected more thanthey value feeling loved.
See, that's two differentthings there, but we've been so
conditioned to think of love,love, love.
Right, you don't go to a moviewhere it says Nicole Kidman
totally respects Tom Cruise.
(01:48):
That's not going to be who theviewers it's got to be.
Nicole Kidman falls in lovewith Tom Cruise Boom, right.
Rather than Nicole Kidmanrespects Tom.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
Hot, heavy, respect all night.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
But from a guy, if that respect isn't there, it's
done.
Yes, you know.
And for a woman, hey, she needsto be respected too.
But as far as the chain of whatorder you would put respect and
love in, I'd love it a littlebit higher.
It's way higher for men, butit's got to be there in both
(02:23):
relationships.
Respect has to be a.
It's a pretty big cog and it'sa really big ingredient for men
in that love relationship.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
We can say it's his love.
Possible without respect?
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Right, it's not.
Is a man loving his girlfriend?
Is it possible to have that andnot have respect?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
I thought that I've loved people that maybe it
turned out I was not respectingand in retrospect I don't think
that was really love.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Right, Totally Exactly.
Love was not in there.
And I don't feel respected iswhen I feel I'm being dismissed,
Right, you know, and that kindof shows in their body language,
Like or you know, if you startto talk, you're in a
conversation.
Let's say, here you go.
Let's say you're in aconversation.
You know your girlfriend oryour wife, she gets home off of
(03:18):
work.
You let her dump everythingdown, right, yeah, Give her a
day out.
You know, give out her day.
And then afterwards maybe yourturn to talk a little bit
because she feels good.
You know the you basicallypulled the pin, you know, to let
out the gas out of that balloon.
Right, you know, we're justkind of deflates and can relax.
(03:40):
Now it's your turn to talk alittle bit.
You start to talk about yourday and all of a sudden she's
turned around to go to do thedishes or whatever.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
You know you feel dismissed.
You feel dismissed.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
You're like hey, where's the love?
Well, when you say where's thelove, you're saying where's the
respect?
Essentially right, yes.
Speaker 1 (04:01):
That makes sense yeah , that hurts.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It does it hurts if you're yeah, if you're dismissed
and it and it's a, it's a bigsignal, it's a big well, it's a
red flag.
It was something to work on.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (04:15):
You know, how do they acknowledge your, how do they
acknowledge your opinions oryour beliefs, you know, and that
a lot of that goes down to yourvalues too.
Are your values and beliefssomewhat the same?
So a lot of this, you know,everything we talk about
trickles down to something else.
(04:35):
Yes, but to have any of this,anything in the way of love, I
think the big lynchpin, the biglynchpin is respect, right, and
we're just here to try to passthat along and just to give some
ideas to how to get it, how togive it and how to get it.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
And also, too, how to recognize it Like disrespect.
How to recognize it too, ohyeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
If she's disrespecting you or if you're
disrespecting her.
Right, you know it goes bothways.
You know how?
How?
How would the gal want to feelthat she is getting your respect
?
Come on, you know, I'm gonnatell you right now.
It says zero.
Demonstrating respect for yourpartner can involve
(05:24):
Acknowledging his opinion,supporting his goals and
avoiding criticism.
Okay, some behaviors ofdisrespect and relationships
include this is coming from herto him, like she's nagging
Criticism, stonewalling,stonewalling, as if she's
basically cutting off all thecommunication and a guy can feel
(05:48):
that.
We can feel that, right, oh godwe're being stoned.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
All this like what?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
the heck Put downs pressuring the others.
You know a threat to end therelationship or marriage.
That's a bad place to go.
I've been guilty doing that inthe past because you get
frustrated.
Yes, you're like man.
If this is gonna keep on, Idon't know if this relationship
is gonna work.
Well, that's not something tosay, unless you're.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
This is true you may have been trying to set a
boundary, but I'm maybe that'snot the way to do that.
Speaker 2 (06:21):
I guess, right, it's because then they feel it like
happy if you're partly out thedoor.
Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah, once you're thinking about ending it, then
maybe they they begin to yeah,or they just they're like geez,
what's going on here?
Speaker 2 (06:38):
So that's a.
You know that's a big one.
Let's just give some real-lifeexamples of how we felt
disrespected.
This happened to me some yearsago.
You know, out of the blue, justout of the blue.
You know who first knew I waswith at that time.
(06:59):
They went into this type of arage.
I mean, it was just.
It was like whoa, what's goingon?
And Because prior to that, theonly thing I've ever done Would
be considered bad, as I did atone time I poured a big gulp
over my girlfriend's head and Iknow that's bad to say that's as
(07:20):
bad as ever gotten with me.
She's like Mountain Dew becauseI Don't have good.
Probably was about do to herPepsi, I don't know.
But what, what caused that?
I can't remember.
This is back in the 80s.
You know I had a mullet.
I had a mullet back then I wasgoing to college, right, and I
had a big gulp in my hand.
That's a 32 ounce beverage,probably a Pepsi, that's about
(07:44):
too too many.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
It was it was.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
It was in the winter time, and Did she call you a
Kentucky waterfall?
Speaker 1 (07:51):
she?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Don't know she.
She called me guy with a mullet, you know, and I didn't play
hockey back then, or nothingeither.
I just said my hair growl inthe back, but um, but anyway
that's business.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
This was another time , though.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
This was another time with a girlfriend.
She just got extremely,extremely jealous.
Just boom out of the blue andbefore I knew it I was being
called names.
I'd be called everything at ahigh volume, high volume, and
Right then I knew, you know,there's crimes of passion.
(08:29):
People can get into passion,you know, I can really take them
over the top.
But then when there's namescalled yes and when they're not
willing to bring it down, ifthere's a little bit of it, is
there a chair or two thrown?
If there's things wipe off mydesk, wow, just scattered.
At that point it's crossed theline.
It's crossed the line.
The respect is gone, you know.
(08:51):
And when respect is gone it'shard to get back, because then
you think they're Possiblyfaking it.
Hmm, yes, because respect is,is it?
It's a word that that reallyyou can't fake it with that word
?
No, I don't think you can't,can you know?
I mean and you can see, and itshould be something that, if
(09:16):
anybody's in a relationship yeah, I or gal, that's always that's
something to really look for inyour partner Are they
respecting you?
You know, a guy might tell youthat he just loves you and All
this and blah, blah, blah.
Well, if he's not respectingyou and treating you like you
need to be treated, then youknow that that's not the guy.
(09:38):
You know, because people dofake it.
Yes, you know, in their mindthey'll think, well, I'll fake
it till I make it.
Well, you know, year four is inyour marriage.
He's still faking it or he'sstill not making it.
You know.
So you want to know before yousay the nuptials Right, yeah,
before you walk down that line.
(09:59):
So this person had given intothe passion of rage and yes, the
person that I was yep at thattime and I knew that there was a
, I just thought, wow, this is asituation that's just gotten
way out of control.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Had you eaten all the chunky peanut butter again, or?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
Right, I ate.
Yep, all I did is leave them alittle bit of creamy.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Just put that back in the fridge and just didn't like
it in the fridge anyway.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
But when there's just nothing but a swallow left,
yeah, when you Just a bite, ohyou pull your toast out of the
toaster and you throw somebutter on it and there ain't no
peanut butter to top it off with.
It's sad I'm sitting thereeating the peanut butter
sandwich at the same time.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Yeah, up goes the desk.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Where's the respect right?
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Where's the respect, but no respect is a.
I think that's something youcan't cover up for a long time.
People you got to remember,though, guys or gals, they all
are going to put their best footforward at first, so can you
earn respect back?
I personally think you can.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I'm speaking from a guy's standpoint.
How do you get that back?
Do you guys think I mean we allhave our.
I have my definite thoughts onthat.
Oh, okay, I'll just go Go forit, go for it.
To get that respect back, youtell them no.
You know Not if you're wantingto say yes, but I mean there are
(11:26):
situations that go on in arelationship where the guy's
sitting there going, yeah, Idon't want to say nothing, I
kind of want to keep the peace.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
And once in a while, though, when you don't want to
keep the peace, when you feellike little feet are running
over your head, like you'regetting run over by her, then
you got to put a stop to that.
Because of the gal and thegal's listening to this right
now.
I guarantee you, you want theguy to tell you no, don't you.
(12:01):
You want to feel the strengthof your boyfriend or husband or
fiance.
You want to feel that strength,because that's what keeps the
relationship together.
If you feel that you can walkover the guy, that your partner
ladies.
That's not a good feeling, isit?
And so to be a leader, to be aman of the house, hey, you say
(12:25):
no.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
You've stayed with us this far, and that shows
commitment, proving you possessthe trait required to obtain the
solution.
Now let's rejoin the showalready in progress.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
We're all going to do things in life that are on the
edge of respectful or not.
We all everybody tries theirbest, but we're I heard a good
saying one time we're all like abunch of bozos on the bus,
right, we're all prone tomistake.
Everybody tries their best, butthat's why you have to have a
(13:03):
lot of grace.
Forgive your spouse on bothways, but you can earn that
respect back.
Just because something's takenaway, it's not gone forever.
There's always a way to get itback.
There's always a way to getback.
Respect is going to come in anintuitive way, a non-intuitive
(13:23):
way.
You know what I mean.
It's not going to feel natural.
You're going to have to exertyourself within that
relationship to take thatrespect back and to earn it back
.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I don't think it has to be addressed to explicitly.
Speaker 2 (13:40):
What took place, you mean?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Yeah, yes.
It has to be an acknowledgementfrom both parties and then
maybe a plan to keep that frombeing displayed again, to keep
disrespect from surfacing againin that way.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
How about, josh, if whoever that you're in, what if
one of the people doing therespects does not, will not
acknowledge it that theydisrespected you?
Speaker 1 (14:09):
Very difficult, very difficult.
That would be a red flag thatyou would not want to collect.
You would want to.
You know you would want to.
If you can't acknowledge thedisrespect, they may just need
some time.
It may be a situation whereyou're not going to get it all
(14:30):
out in one night, or onemouthful or what have you, and
you may need to walk away for amoment in order to let the
person think and become fullyretrospect about what had
happened, because Nine times outof ten, hopefully, the person
that you've had disagreementwith is going to.
If they've been totally in thewrong, they know that, they know
it.
It's just their pride in themoment that is keeping them from
(14:51):
being able to admit it.
If you give them some time andspace and they're a good person,
they will come around and theywill apologize, right.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
The only times when we know they're not going to
there are those times, right.
Yes, that's what's described asa trait of a narcissist.
They cannot be held accountable.
Those are the red flags thatyou want to find out before you
say I do Absolutely, becauseafter you say I do, it gets a
(15:24):
little bit harder to say I don't.
Speaker 3 (15:28):
Because that involves things.
That's it Right.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I might.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
Sometimes what they say can be bad.
This happened to me severalyears ago and I looked back at
it.
I should have bolted then.
Girl told me that duck, I'mriding in the front seat of her
car and she goes.
Duck the girl.
I've seen what's going on.
She was well.
I told my dad that I washanging out with my boyfriend
today.
Why are you having me duck?
(15:58):
She goes they think of you as afriend.
They haven't met my boyfriendyet, according to them.
What are you talking about?
They approve of you as a friend, but they do not approve you as
a boyfriend for me because youdon't come from a wealthy family
.
I said I'm just a poor collegestudent trying to make a name
(16:18):
for myself.
She goes still, they don'tapprove of you, greg.
It's just better this way.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
What you're describing is a perfect
opportunity to get back anyrespect that you had lost there
by telling her I don't think soand then actually sticking your
head out the window and waving.
Speaker 3 (16:39):
Yeah, you know what's funny.
Then she giggled and laughedafter that and I go were you
serious?
She goes yes, yeah, it was mydad who would be very hard on me
.
He raised me to be with adoctor.
Yeah and I just thought that wassad.
So I need us to say thatrelationship didn't work out.
We went back and forth, brokeup, got together, broke up and,
(17:02):
yeah, thank God it didn't end upwith her.
Did you duck?
That was the only time I ducked.
She tried to get me to do itone other time and I said no, no
, no, goose instead no.
And then when I did confronther in her behavior one time,
right while she was driving thecar, she hauled off with her
fist and jacked me in the.
(17:22):
I was the passenger in the car.
She actually jacked me in the,you know, punched me with her
fist.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Wow, I left cheek and I go.
Speaker 3 (17:29):
Who did you learn that behavior from?
I go.
That's what I was always toldto say.
Like if somebody does somethingcrazy, you look at them and say
where did you learn thisbehavior?
From A girl that was raised asproper.
As you learned this behaviorfrom someplace.
Where did you learn this from?
I go?
Speaker 2 (17:46):
pull over no no, no, no I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Speaker 3 (17:50):
Little things like that, some things are
irreparable, they're beyondrepair at that particular time,
so need us to say that left abad feeling in my stomach and I
knew there wouldn't be a futurethere.
No, that's yeah.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
That's a rough one, yes, it is, yeah, yeah, usually,
for some reason, emotions getinvolved in so many things,
right, yeah, and emotions themoment they happen, right up
here, they're way up here, right, yes.
But then if you give it a fewdays, they go down, they, you
know, they deescalate, yes, andthen quite often you can come
(18:27):
back together and make somethings happen, try to work
through it.
Right, there are some placeswhere the deescalation process
it doesn't, it can't take itdown far enough, where you can
get back together.
But that's pretty rare, isn'tit?
Yes, because people go at it,relationships, they, there's
(18:49):
usually a point where they canwork through whatever, or if
it's just, or if it's somethingthat just keeps happening and
the one party just says you know, I didn't, this isn't my fault,
this is not my fault, right?
If that one party keeps sayingthat over and over, that's where
things have to split.
Speaker 1 (19:09):
Yes, yes, if you're in different realities, then
yeah, how can you coexist?
Speaker 3 (19:15):
Yeah, some people are , as the saying goes, diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.
Wow, right, yeah, yeah, yeah,they say, are Exactly, they go
back to driver's ed is what theyneed to do.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
I remember several times that disrespect cropped up
in my in my second marriage.
My wife was a little bityounger than me but and I knew
she, you know, had a lot ofliving to do.
But I wasn't expecting to bethe object lesson quite so often
as I was.
But anyway, to make a longstory short, I had followed her
(19:53):
from Iowa out to Massachusettsas well as she went to do some
graduate work.
At the time she just, for somereason, her respect for me just
just bottomed out.
I think it was because we hadwe had previously agreed that I
was gonna come out there and belike a house husband and take
(20:14):
Care of the apartment it's veryexpensive apartment.
She'd found us in Malden,massachusetts, and so that she
never had to worry about Food orcleaning or anything.
She should just come home andbe relaxed.
And so I was doing that.
But she started.
She started getting on thisthing about why didn't you look
for a job, and that was that wasnot, that had not been our
agreement.
But it came to the point whereI Realized I better get a job,
(20:38):
because she was not going torespect me unless I was Working
some minimum wage thing down thestreet.
So that's what I did, but itcontinued, this kind of this
disrespect bordering on contempt.
Where you could, you could seeyour eyes rolling or you could
just feel them.
And I remember we went to get abank account to get together
(20:58):
and I was saying, well, we couldhave a few different accounts
we could.
We could each have our own bankaccount and then we could have
a joined bank account, whichI've later have gone on to read
about that.
That's a really good idea.
Or, or let's say, psychologistsand or financial advisors are
recommending this for marriedpeople.
But when I was trying to talk toher about it, she just looked
(21:20):
at me with the utmost, I Guessthe the look would be contempt,
that's, that's the best way todescribe it like she Not only
didn't respect my opinion, butshe Didn't respect me, and she
never.
It felt really like she neverwanted to hear my input on
anything.
It just all, in that moment,sort of came crashing in.
It was, and she, she was proneto those kind of Sort of bouts
(21:45):
of disrespect which which Ifound very odd because I found
it to be, you know, at odds,which I thought was her sweet
nature, but she also had thisside of that was this very, very
Sometimes superior and holierthan, and it was very, it was
very off-putting and it kind ofit brought out the worst and me
(22:06):
to her, brought out somemischievous behavior.
Because one time she wasmeeting some friends of hers
were flying in From China andshe was gonna meet these women
at a restaurant and she wassaying to me Do you think you
could come up with somethinginteresting to talk about?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
At dinner.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
She's saying like don't be, you know, as in she
didn't say this, I'm thinkingdon't be your normal boring
childish self you know, try totry to say something interesting
, and I said, oh, no problem.
And so what I did, it was, ofcourse, the complete opposite.
At dinner, I made a completefool of myself on purpose and I
kept trying to give them butterand butter their bread and
(22:44):
saying, oh, you look like youneed butter, don't you like
butter?
And and just being a completenincompoop and and I very much
embarrassed Linda and I was Iwas delighted.
She was mortified solid way todo.
Yeah, like you know, just kindof just clumsily like a drunk
trying to apply, reaching overto their plate and putting the
butter on the bread for them.
(23:04):
They say and Linda saying shedoesn't eat butter.
She doesn't eat butter, shedoes.
Now, oh, you don't know eat,you know eat her bread.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
So I have.
I have a question Now.
When she didn't respect you,yeah, but with the, you felt
that she wasn't respecting you.
About the when you initiallygot there, yeah, do you think
and I don't know I mean, I'mnice kind of playing devil's
advocate was it because youthink, because she wanted you,
(23:37):
whether she knew it or not, shewanted you to be the, the
breadwinner right then, to goout, go out and get that job,
even subconsciously?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Maybe, maybe there was some kind of.
Yeah invisible ideal that shewas, yeah, trying to have us
live up to that.
I wasn't aware of where she wascoming from on this or why I
had suddenly become such anembarrassment to her, because I
never, I never thought of usthat way and I never thought
(24:08):
that I had yeah, because youthought you guys had talked
about it prior to going outthere and that you had this deal
arranged how you were right,yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
I'm just wondering if some sometimes you know just
Some things you know, you thinkhow, maybe subconsciously, she
was thinking that I don't know,or or you know yeah she was very
Impressionable.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
I guess, and I think she, through the course of
attending grad school and thenfollowing an internship with,
with, with the CPA firm, thatthat followed that.
I think, she took on someopinionated opinions of people
that were her colleagues andPeople I never met, or anything
(24:51):
but it it get when even went sofar as like Feeling like she
didn't want me to attend hergraduation because she was
embarrassed, oh wow, by my veryexistence and I just felt like
you know, you do a lot worse.
That's just dismissive.
It was, yeah, it was terrible,and then yeah, and I remember
thinking this is, and I didn'tsay it, but I remember thinking
(25:12):
this is not good.
You know, if this continues,we'll be divorced.
It's very soon, because I can't.
I Couldn't abide that.
And later it went on to herdisrespecting my family and
saying she didn't want to.
When we drove back to Iowa fromMassachusetts, she didn't want
to stop and visit my family inVermont because they were
rednecks.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
She needs a plate of butter dropped on her head right
there or something, because thebig goal, or the big goal, the
big goal.
Speaker 3 (25:35):
Yeah, thirsty Are we.
Speaker 2 (25:36):
that is that is very, very dismissive and that is
yeah, it was awful, I feel foryou, josh.
Oh, thank you.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Yeah, I would have read this paragraph real quick.
Okay love can sometimes blindyou to the reality of a bad
situation, even if the otherperson doesn't respect you.
But respect is much moreimportant when you're looking
for a long-term relationship,then just love.
Respect is all about honoringeach other's differences.
Speaker 2 (26:01):
Yeah, absolutely.
I love that the way it ended.
Honoring people's differences,respect is huge.
Yes, we've had a great time.
Greg and Josh, I bid you adieu,good night.
This concludes this episode ofthe solution.
Speaker 1 (26:14):
Thanks for joining us and be sure to check out our
next episode.
Send your questions andcomments to Craig 2042 at
gmailcom.
Be sure to subscribe to thesolution so you can be notified
the moment the next excitingepisode is ready for you to
listen to.
And please leave a review onApple podcasts or on your
(26:37):
favorite podcast player.
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