June 17, 2024 • 21 mins
Ever wondered why anger seems to be skyrocketing in today’s world? On this episode of the Unscripted Mind, host Jim Cunningham, a licensed professional counselor, promises to unravel the intricate web of triggers that fuel our modern-day rage. From political polarization and economic disparity to job stress and financial anxieties, we break down the factors contributing to this emotional surge. But it doesn't stop there—discover the deeper layers behind anger, often rooted in underlying emotions like anxiety and frustration. Recognize anger as more than just an outburst, but a defensive mechanism with profound physiological and cognitive consequences.
Prepare to gain invaluable strategies for managing anger and resolving conflicts, especially when emotions are at their peak. Jim dives into the significance of having a premeditated plan and maintaining a calm demeanor in the face of fury. Drawing inspiration from Stoic philosophy, we explore how to control our actions despite natural emotional reactions and keep long-term relationship goals in focus. As the episode wraps up, we invite you to embrace life’s unexpected moments and stay curious. Your journey towards a more empathetic and effective approach to handling anger starts here—don’t miss out on these practical insights and tools.
Sources:
AAIDD (American Association on Intellectual Developmental Disabilities). Intellectual disability: Definition, classification, and systems of supports. Washington, DC: AAIDD; 2010.
American Heart Association. (n.d.). Anger and Your Heart.
American Psychological Association (2019). Stress in America: Stress and Current Events.
American Psychiatric Association (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. fifth ed. Washington, DC: APA; 2013, p. 33.
Arnold, J. L., & Boger, M. S. (2019). Neurobiological Correlates of Emotional Dysregulation and Cognitive Performance. Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 31(3), 198-204. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.neuropsych.19070120
Gallup. (2020). Gallup Poll Social Series: Emotions.
Pew Research Center. (2021). How Americans View Anger in Society Today.
Santarnecchi, E., Emmendorfer, A., & Pascual-Leone, A. (2019). The Effects of Emotional Dysregulation on Cognitive Functioning in Adults. Journal of Affective Disorders. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2019.07.079
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jim Cunningham (00:04):
We seem to be surrounded by anger.
Everywhere we look today, wesee rage, we see hostility,
yelling, even physicalaltercations.
When we get angry, we actpoorly, but we also react poorly
to others' anger.
But what if we were getting itall wrong?
What if we were missing themessage?
(00:24):
What if there was a differentway to see anger altogether, a
different way to react toothers' anger, a way that would
completely change the way itimpacts our life?
Anger is all the rage on thisepisode of the Unscripted Mind.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mindpodcast, where our goal is to
(00:47):
give you fresh perspectives,practical insights and tools you
can use to give you morechoices, increase your awareness
and have better control of yourfeelings, reactions and
behaviors.
My name is Jim Cunningham andI'm a licensed professional
counselor, and today we're goingto discuss a new way to think
about anger.
(01:07):
The philosopher Aristotle oncesaid anybody can become angry.
That's easy.
But to be angry with the rightperson, to the right degree, at
the right time and for the rightpurpose and in the right way,
that is not within everyone'spower.
In fact, it's difficult.
How bad is anger these days?
Well, a 2021 survey by the PewResearch Center found that 71%
(01:31):
of Americans believe that peopleare angrier now than they were
a decade ago.
This perception of increasinganger was attributed to various
factors including notsurprisingly political
polarization and economicinequality, among other reasons.
So why are people so angry?
Well, according to a 2019survey by the American
(01:52):
Psychological Association, 61%of adults reported work-related
stress as a significant triggerfor anger.
57% reported financial stressas another major source of anger
.
Age also seems to play animportant part in anger.
Research indicates that youngeradults tend to report higher
(02:13):
levels of anger compared toolder adults.
A 2020 Gallup poll revealedthat 30% of adults under the age
of 30 experienced anger morefrequently compared to 16% of
those 50 and older.
Now, while anger can be ahealthy and constructive force,
it can also lead to negativeoutcomes if not managed properly
(02:35):
.
Uncontrolled anger can resultin destructive behavior and
damaged relationships and, likechronic stress, chronic anger
has negative impacts on ourhealth.
The American Heart Associationreports that frequent anger can
increase the risk ofcardiovascular diseases, noting
that people with higher levelsof anger are at a greater risk
(02:57):
for heart attacks and strokes.
Now anger, of course, isn't allbad.
It's natural and it's often anecessary emotion that can
signal when something is wrongor unjust.
It's a common response to feelthreatened, frustrated or
wronged, and it can motivateindividuals to address and
rectify problems.
So that's all good about anger.
(03:26):
First of all, anger is always asecondary emotion, in the sense
that there's always somethingthat usually precedes it.
It isn't the primary emotion.
So for a lot of people, angercomes after emotions like
anxiety, depression and orfrustration, or simply feeling
disrespected.
As someone once said, mad issad's friend.
This makes sense when you lookat the origin of the word angry.
(03:47):
The word angry is derived fromthe old Norse word anger,
spelled A-N-G-R, which meansgrief or sorrow.
This would indicate that theinitial connotation was
associated more with sadness anddistress than our modern sense
of intensity, displeasure orrage.
Secondly, anger conveys amessage, but the behavior that
(04:10):
accompanies that message is veryhard to hear.
We'll discuss the messagesbelow.
But this is a key factorbecause if you don't understand
the message, you'll get stuck inthe emotion of the moment, and
that is not good the emotion ofthe moment and that is not good.
The reason it is not good isbecause anger makes us stupid,
to be blunt.
This isn't just my opinion,it's one of the most empirically
(04:32):
verifiable facts in the world.
I mean, have you ever seen anangry person making good choices
or good decisions?
Rarely, at times of emotionaldysregulation, which includes
states of heightened stress oremotional turmoil like anger,
it's been linked to temporarydecreases in cognitive
performance.
To put that in layman's terms,it means you get dumber.
(04:54):
Research indicates I havesources listed below in the
description if you'd like tolook those up.
But the research indicates thatduring periods of emotional
distress, individuals experiencea significant drop in IQ scores
, often by as much as 15 points.
For context, 100 is the averageIQ score.
According to the NationalInstitutes for Health, an IQ
(05:17):
score of 70 is considered anintellectual disability.
So if you get emotionallydysregulated and your IQ drops
from, say, 100 down to 85,you're halfway there to having
an intellectual disability,albeit temporary.
This decrease is attributed tothe impaired cognitive functions
(05:37):
, such as memory, attention,executive functioning, that
occur during emotionaldysregulation.
This means that when you getangry, your ability to make
thoughtful decisions issignificantly diminished.
Robert Ingersoll said it thisway anger is the wind which
blows out the lamp of the mind.
(05:57):
Of course, this is nothing new.
The Stoics viewed anger as aform of temporary madness that
disrupts rational thought andleads to harmful actions.
Seneca, one of the prominentStoic philosophers of the time
wrote extensively on the subject, stating that anger was an acid
that can do more harm to thevessel in which it is stored
(06:18):
than to anything on which it ispoured.
This also explains why toreason with a person who is very
emotional simply doesn't work.
They're stuck in fight orflight mode.
The rational part of the brainjust isn't accessible.
So so far, probably not a lotof surprises for you, and sounds
like anger is just a bad thing.
(06:40):
So what are we missing here?
I think we're misinterpretingthe message in the anger that we
see.
I think anger is one of themost misunderstood emotions
because it feels very aggressive.
The rage, the yelling, threatsof violence all can feel very
menacing.
It feels personal.
It feels like I as a person ambeing attacked.
(07:03):
Rarely have I ever met a clientwith anger issues that wants to
completely get rid of thatanger.
In fact, most don't, and Ithink the reason is because
anger is a great protector.
It keeps us safe and itprotects us.
So what is the message and whatfunction does anger serve?
Well, here's a different way tothink about it.
(07:26):
Think about anger likerattlesnakes and turtles One of
them strikes the other, pullshis head in.
But the message is exactly thesame.
It's all defensive in nature.
Anger usually helps us get oursense of control and power back
in a situation.
So when we think ofrattlesnakes they seem very
threatening and we just wouldrather avoid them at all costs.
(07:47):
Recently they did a study,though, that suggested that they
may not be as dangerous as wethink.
I'm not suggesting we go outand handle rattlesnakes, but
during the study they simulatedstepping on 175 rattlesnakes in
the wild.
This was with a fake leg andthe animals weren't hurt.
But of those 175 times, thesnake only struck six times.
(08:12):
In fact, most of the time theywere just trying to wiggle and
get away.
Rattlesnakes are not predatorytowards humans.
Add to the fact that if theywere, they wouldn't rattle first
.
If we were actually their prey,rattling before striking
wouldn't be a very good strategy.
So rattling like striking orlike a turtle going into a shell
(08:32):
is defensive in nature andlargely a warning.
So what is the message?
The message is I need somespace, I don't feel heard, I
don't feel safe, I don't want tobe stepped on, etc.
Right Now.
Make no mistake, anger does agreat job of achieving these
goals.
I would even go so far as tosay that sometimes it's
(08:54):
necessary.
In extreme situations it can belife-saving.
However, we tend to overusethis tool for common, everyday,
small issues.
Give somebody a hammer,everything starts to look like a
nail.
This is what gets us in troubleand tends to cause interactions
(09:15):
with angry people to escalateand get out of control so
quickly.
We've seen this all play out inour lives.
If someone gets angry around you, especially if there's someone
out of control, you start tofeel threatened, especially if
you don't feel like you can getaway from it.
At this point, you might feelstuck or feel attacked.
Think about being in a car orin a closed room with someone
(09:36):
and feeling trapped.
It's natural then that youwould feel like you have to
defend yourself, and usuallywhat that means is I have to
match your intensity, I have tomatch your anger.
I've got to escalate things.
Also.
You're going to get louder.
You're going to get louder, I'mgoing to get louder, and now
sometimes we start gettingphysical.
Before you know it, we haveturned something just verbal
(09:59):
into a physical altercation.
Understand that that can be notjust fighting, but something as
simple as me standing up ortaking a step toward you.
That feels physical andthreatening too.
So for someone who is usinganger to defend themselves, this
will escalate the event becauseyou're going to misinterpret
that as more aggression, whichis going to intensify things.
(10:20):
So we get this kind of continualone-upping of one another to
the point where things godownhill really rather quickly.
Now we're both angry and, aswe've already discussed, we've
both gotten dumber.
Neither of us is interested inor capable of solving the
problem.
Heck, we didn't remember whatthe real problem was.
I see a lot of couples and theyhave these knock down, drag out
(10:43):
arguments and often by the timethey come to see me they can't
even remember what started it.
If they can remember, it isusually over something so minor
that it should never haveescalated to that level.
So I would say we talk aboutrattlesnakes, but this is also
true of the turtle response.
(11:08):
There are a lot of people whoshut down when they are angry.
They just are not interested inconflict or conflict averse, or
they're scared.
Unfortunately, we misinterpretthat the same way a lot of the
times.
So because when we get angry,we don't feel heard.
So we tend to escalate so thatwe can be heard by the person
that is withdrawing.
I see this a lot with parentsinteracting with their kids, and
the result is just asunproductive.
(11:29):
The louder you get with someonewho is going into their shell,
the more they're going to shutdown.
It's a defensive posture.
Now, if you miss that message,it tends to increase your own
anger, because getting into analtercation with someone, one of
the goals is to give my angerto them some of it anyway.
But when somebody shuts down,they're not accepting some of my
(11:50):
anger, so I'm stuck with it andI'm not happy about it.
Whether I realize that or not.
When people don't participatein our anger, that really makes
us mad, because we don't feelheard, valued or respected.
So how does simply recognizingthis message an angry person is
trying to communicate changeeverything for us?
If I see somebody get angry andI understand that this is
(12:18):
defensive in nature, it's adefensive posture, not an
offensive posture thatcompletely changes things for me
and how I see it.
So how does that play out inreal life?
Recently I was driving down theinterstate and I was in the
middle lane.
There was a truck in front ofme and I was going to go around
him, but the car in the leftlane got beside me and so I
couldn't change lanes and goaround the truck in a reasonable
(12:39):
amount of time.
So by the time I was able toactually go around the truck
when the car had gotten out ofthe way, I had gotten pretty
close to the guy's bumper in thetruck.
So when I passed him, as youmight suspect, he flipped me off
.
He was unhappy with me.
I could have really gottenupset by that, but when you
understand that usually mostanger and those kinds of things
(13:00):
are defensive, it was his way ofsaying.
You made me uncomfortable and Icompletely get that.
I've had people come up on thebacks.
You know my rear bumper and I'mnot happy about it either.
It makes me uncomfortable.
If I understand that, that'sthe message he's trying to
convey.
I don't take it personal and Idon't get upset about it.
I don't have to flip him offeither, so we can both go about
(13:24):
our day.
So let me give you a fewstrategies on how to maintain
this perspective as we gothrough our work days, our lives
with our homes, interactingwith our kids, our spouses and
co-workers.
First strategy I would suggestis remember this is not personal
.
When you understand, themessage is defensive.
It's conveying how the angryperson is feeling.
(13:46):
It's about them.
Don't make it about you byoverreacting.
Remember, when someone is angry, ultimately they usually just
want to be heard.
But people who are maliciousand actually a threat to us,
like a thief or somebody who'spredatory and maybe trying to
hurt you you got to rememberthey don't act angry, they're
(14:07):
calculating, but they're notangry.
Two very different messages.
So first thing is it's notpersonal.
Second thing is back up thedecision cycle.
What I mean by that is you haveto have a plan on how you're
going to handle the next angryperson.
If you don't have a plan andyou decide to make it up as you
(14:27):
go, the chances of you handlingit well go way, way down.
Because if I get stuck in theemotion of the moment, all bets
are off.
I'm going to do and say thingsthat will likely be, at a
minimum, counterproductive, atmost mean, hurtful or worse.
So having a plan allows me tostay calm, see things for what
(14:47):
they are and, best of of all, Idon't have to worry about making
a decision when I get reallyemotional again, because that
makes us dumb.
So all I have to do is followthe plan and I don't have to
think.
We see this a lot with firedrills.
We see this with militaryexercises or any other kind of
exercises where people areexposed to a crisis.
(15:07):
They're taught how to respond,so when the crisis actually
happens, they don't have tothink, they just do, and that
works much better.
The third thing I might suggestis, as we think about having a
plan, what is the plan?
How do we handle that?
Again, I think we need toremember the message.
The message is the person isfeeling defensive, so I want to
(15:31):
present myself not as a threat.
If I see a bear in the woods, Idon't want to charge it, I
don't want to get in its space.
I don't want to appear to be athreat of any kind whatsoever.
I want to appear to be mindingmy own business, going my own
way.
What does that look like whenyou're dealing with actual
people?
Well, if I'm not going toappear to be a threat to someone
(15:51):
, instead of maybe taking a stepforward, take a step backwards.
Instead of standing, maybe Isit down.
Instead of banging on something, maybe I just be still.
Instead of raising my voice,maybe I lower my voice or even
whisper.
A lot of times that forces theangry person to listen a little
(16:12):
bit longer, a little bit harderand a little bit longer.
The fourth thing I might suggestis give time and space.
A lot of times we want to hurryup and resolve a problem or a
conflict when it happens, butwhen you understand that someone
is very emotional and isn'tthinking clearly, give them the
time and space to let thesystems come back online.
(16:34):
They're thinking with theemotional part of the brain and
that doesn't work at the sametime as the thinking or
cognitive part of the brain.
They often counteract eachother and that doesn't work at
the same time as the thinking orcognitive part of the brain.
They often counteract eachother.
We have to give them some timeto kind of switch that back, to
get the systems online.
(17:01):
Honestly, the nonverbals we justdiscussed in terms of having a
plan and how we presentourselves physically probably is
going to carry a lot moreweight when someone is angry
than any kind of conversation orrationalizing you want to do,
because when we start trying toreason with the quote-unquote,
the emotional brain, debatingpoints or trying to correct
somebody's behavior, it's likelywe're just going to make things
worse, even if you're dealingwith your child.
Give them 30 minutes at leastor so to calm down.
Then we can always have a goodconversation about how we could
(17:22):
have done things differently.
But taking that time whensomeone is still emotionally
dysregulated and trying toconvince them and rationalize
with them and have that greatlife teaching point, is probably
not the time to do it.
Rarely can they hear thatanyway.
Finally, let me say this Don'tlet your pride get in the way.
I want to win an argument asmuch as the next guy, but I have
(17:44):
to stay focused on the desiredoutcome.
If I get stuck in all the gameand the emotions of the moment,
I will lose sight of that goal.
Unfortunately, I will also loseaccess to a lot of other
resources that I have.
I know a lot of ways to solveproblems and conflict, but when
I get emotional I forget I havethose.
I just can't access them.
(18:07):
So let me wrap up with a coupleof ideas.
First, I'm not going to say wenever get angry.
That's a fallacy.
It's never going to happen.
Don't even try to go there.
There are things that are goingto make me angry, of course,
and that's fine.
It's okay to be angry.
It's just not okay to act angry.
(18:27):
If we think back to the Stoics.
They believed that reasonshould govern our emotions.
They taught that one shouldstrive to maintain tranquility
by practicing self-control andrational thinking.
According to Marcus Aurelius,he said how much more grievous
are the consequences of angerthan the causes of it?
And so I would suggest andencourage you to try a couple of
(18:51):
these ideas.
You know, don't take someone'sanger personally.
Have a decision cycle.
Know how you're going to reactto anger before you have to deal
with it.
Cycle Know how you're going toreact to anger before you have
to deal with it.
And when you engage someone,remember it's probably a very
defensive posture that they'retaking.
So I just need to appear lesslike a threat, physically
(19:12):
especially, and certainlyverbally.
If we think there's any hope forthis relationship and we want
to work things out, I want tomake sure I give somebody time
and space to calm down before Itry to force that position,
before I try to rationalize,before I try to debate.
It's not going to go anywhere.
People who are emotionallyelevated again, the IQ goes way
(19:35):
down.
So we want to wait till thosesystems come back online so we
can have that conversation.
And finally, don't let prideget in the way.
We all want to win the argument, but again we lose sight of the
goal and what we're trying toachieve, and for long-term goals
, that doesn't work out so good,especially when we're dealing
with relationships that mean themost to us our friends, our
(19:57):
family and our kids.
So I would encourage and inviteyou to give some of these ideas
and strategies a chance.
See if it doesn't make a worldof difference on how you
interact with others and maybeeven find a little more peace in
life for yourself.
Of course, this is simple, butnot easy.
It's going to take practice toovercome habits and to
(20:20):
incorporate new tools into therepertoire.
That means giving yourself somegrace and managing expectations
.
This is difficult stuff, and ifit was easy, everybody would
have already solved the problem.
So the last thing we want to dois set ourselves up for failure
and give ourselves a fightingchance, because the last thing
we want to do is start turningsome of that anger on ourselves.
(20:45):
Thanks for checking us out todayon the Unscripted Mind.
If you found this episodehelpful, please subscribe or
follow us to get notified of newepisodes.
Also, leave a review.
If you have any questions ortopics you'd like us to cover,
please include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script.
So embrace the unexpected,cherish the unplanned.
(21:07):
Always stay curious and have anamazing day.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted Mind.
Bye.
We seem to be surrounded by anger.
Everywhere we look today, wesee rage, we see hostility,
yelling, even physicalaltercations.
When we get angry, we actpoorly, but we also react poorly
to others' anger.
But what if we were getting itall wrong?
What if we were missing themessage?
(00:24):
What if there was a differentway to see anger altogether, a
different way to react toothers' anger, a way that would
completely change the way itimpacts our life?
Anger is all the rage on thisepisode of the Unscripted Mind.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mindpodcast, where our goal is to
(00:47):
give you fresh perspectives,practical insights and tools you
can use to give you morechoices, increase your awareness
and have better control of yourfeelings, reactions and
behaviors.
My name is Jim Cunningham andI'm a licensed professional
counselor, and today we're goingto discuss a new way to think
about anger.
(01:07):
The philosopher Aristotle oncesaid anybody can become angry.
That's easy.
But to be angry with the rightperson, to the right degree, at
the right time and for the rightpurpose and in the right way,
that is not within everyone'spower.
In fact, it's difficult.
How bad is anger these days?
Well, a 2021 survey by the PewResearch Center found that 71%
(01:31):
of Americans believe that peopleare angrier now than they were
a decade ago.
This perception of increasinganger was attributed to various
factors including notsurprisingly political
polarization and economicinequality, among other reasons.
So why are people so angry?
Well, according to a 2019survey by the American
(01:52):
Psychological Association, 61%of adults reported work-related
stress as a significant triggerfor anger.
57% reported financial stressas another major source of anger
.
Age also seems to play animportant part in anger.
Research indicates that youngeradults tend to report higher
(02:13):
levels of anger compared toolder adults.
A 2020 Gallup poll revealedthat 30% of adults under the age
of 30 experienced anger morefrequently compared to 16% of
those 50 and older.
Now, while anger can be ahealthy and constructive force,
it can also lead to negativeoutcomes if not managed properly
(02:35):
.
Uncontrolled anger can resultin destructive behavior and
damaged relationships and, likechronic stress, chronic anger
has negative impacts on ourhealth.
The American Heart Associationreports that frequent anger can
increase the risk ofcardiovascular diseases, noting
that people with higher levelsof anger are at a greater risk
(02:57):
for heart attacks and strokes.
Now anger, of course, isn't allbad.
It's natural and it's often anecessary emotion that can
signal when something is wrongor unjust.
It's a common response to feelthreatened, frustrated or
wronged, and it can motivateindividuals to address and
rectify problems.
So that's all good about anger.
(03:26):
First of all, anger is always asecondary emotion, in the sense
that there's always somethingthat usually precedes it.
It isn't the primary emotion.
So for a lot of people, angercomes after emotions like
anxiety, depression and orfrustration, or simply feeling
disrespected.
As someone once said, mad issad's friend.
This makes sense when you lookat the origin of the word angry.
(03:47):
The word angry is derived fromthe old Norse word anger,
spelled A-N-G-R, which meansgrief or sorrow.
This would indicate that theinitial connotation was
associated more with sadness anddistress than our modern sense
of intensity, displeasure orrage.
Secondly, anger conveys amessage, but the behavior that
(04:10):
accompanies that message is veryhard to hear.
We'll discuss the messagesbelow.
But this is a key factorbecause if you don't understand
the message, you'll get stuck inthe emotion of the moment, and
that is not good the emotion ofthe moment and that is not good.
The reason it is not good isbecause anger makes us stupid,
to be blunt.
This isn't just my opinion,it's one of the most empirically
(04:32):
verifiable facts in the world.
I mean, have you ever seen anangry person making good choices
or good decisions?
Rarely, at times of emotionaldysregulation, which includes
states of heightened stress oremotional turmoil like anger,
it's been linked to temporarydecreases in cognitive
performance.
To put that in layman's terms,it means you get dumber.
(04:54):
Research indicates I havesources listed below in the
description if you'd like tolook those up.
But the research indicates thatduring periods of emotional
distress, individuals experiencea significant drop in IQ scores
, often by as much as 15 points.
For context, 100 is the averageIQ score.
According to the NationalInstitutes for Health, an IQ
(05:17):
score of 70 is considered anintellectual disability.
So if you get emotionallydysregulated and your IQ drops
from, say, 100 down to 85,you're halfway there to having
an intellectual disability,albeit temporary.
This decrease is attributed tothe impaired cognitive functions
(05:37):
, such as memory, attention,executive functioning, that
occur during emotionaldysregulation.
This means that when you getangry, your ability to make
thoughtful decisions issignificantly diminished.
Robert Ingersoll said it thisway anger is the wind which
blows out the lamp of the mind.
(05:57):
Of course, this is nothing new.
The Stoics viewed anger as aform of temporary madness that
disrupts rational thought andleads to harmful actions.
Seneca, one of the prominentStoic philosophers of the time
wrote extensively on the subject, stating that anger was an acid
that can do more harm to thevessel in which it is stored
(06:18):
than to anything on which it ispoured.
This also explains why toreason with a person who is very
emotional simply doesn't work.
They're stuck in fight orflight mode.
The rational part of the brainjust isn't accessible.
So so far, probably not a lotof surprises for you, and sounds
like anger is just a bad thing.
(06:40):
So what are we missing here?
I think we're misinterpretingthe message in the anger that we
see.
I think anger is one of themost misunderstood emotions
because it feels very aggressive.
The rage, the yelling, threatsof violence all can feel very
menacing.
It feels personal.
It feels like I as a person ambeing attacked.
(07:03):
Rarely have I ever met a clientwith anger issues that wants to
completely get rid of thatanger.
In fact, most don't, and Ithink the reason is because
anger is a great protector.
It keeps us safe and itprotects us.
So what is the message and whatfunction does anger serve?
Well, here's a different way tothink about it.
(07:26):
Think about anger likerattlesnakes and turtles One of
them strikes the other, pullshis head in.
But the message is exactly thesame.
It's all defensive in nature.
Anger usually helps us get oursense of control and power back
in a situation.
So when we think ofrattlesnakes they seem very
threatening and we just wouldrather avoid them at all costs.
(07:47):
Recently they did a study,though, that suggested that they
may not be as dangerous as wethink.
I'm not suggesting we go outand handle rattlesnakes, but
during the study they simulatedstepping on 175 rattlesnakes in
the wild.
This was with a fake leg andthe animals weren't hurt.
But of those 175 times, thesnake only struck six times.
(08:12):
In fact, most of the time theywere just trying to wiggle and
get away.
Rattlesnakes are not predatorytowards humans.
Add to the fact that if theywere, they wouldn't rattle first
.
If we were actually their prey,rattling before striking
wouldn't be a very good strategy.
So rattling like striking orlike a turtle going into a shell
(08:32):
is defensive in nature andlargely a warning.
So what is the message?
The message is I need somespace, I don't feel heard, I
don't feel safe, I don't want tobe stepped on, etc.
Right Now.
Make no mistake, anger does agreat job of achieving these
goals.
I would even go so far as tosay that sometimes it's
(08:54):
necessary.
In extreme situations it can belife-saving.
However, we tend to overusethis tool for common, everyday,
small issues.
Give somebody a hammer,everything starts to look like a
nail.
This is what gets us in troubleand tends to cause interactions
(09:15):
with angry people to escalateand get out of control so
quickly.
We've seen this all play out inour lives.
If someone gets angry around you, especially if there's someone
out of control, you start tofeel threatened, especially if
you don't feel like you can getaway from it.
At this point, you might feelstuck or feel attacked.
Think about being in a car orin a closed room with someone
(09:36):
and feeling trapped.
It's natural then that youwould feel like you have to
defend yourself, and usuallywhat that means is I have to
match your intensity, I have tomatch your anger.
I've got to escalate things.
Also.
You're going to get louder.
You're going to get louder, I'mgoing to get louder, and now
sometimes we start gettingphysical.
Before you know it, we haveturned something just verbal
(09:59):
into a physical altercation.
Understand that that can be notjust fighting, but something as
simple as me standing up ortaking a step toward you.
That feels physical andthreatening too.
So for someone who is usinganger to defend themselves, this
will escalate the event becauseyou're going to misinterpret
that as more aggression, whichis going to intensify things.
(10:20):
So we get this kind of continualone-upping of one another to
the point where things godownhill really rather quickly.
Now we're both angry and, aswe've already discussed, we've
both gotten dumber.
Neither of us is interested inor capable of solving the
problem.
Heck, we didn't remember whatthe real problem was.
I see a lot of couples and theyhave these knock down, drag out
(10:43):
arguments and often by the timethey come to see me they can't
even remember what started it.
If they can remember, it isusually over something so minor
that it should never haveescalated to that level.
So I would say we talk aboutrattlesnakes, but this is also
true of the turtle response.
(11:08):
There are a lot of people whoshut down when they are angry.
They just are not interested inconflict or conflict averse, or
they're scared.
Unfortunately, we misinterpretthat the same way a lot of the
times.
So because when we get angry,we don't feel heard.
So we tend to escalate so thatwe can be heard by the person
that is withdrawing.
I see this a lot with parentsinteracting with their kids, and
the result is just asunproductive.
(11:29):
The louder you get with someonewho is going into their shell,
the more they're going to shutdown.
It's a defensive posture.
Now, if you miss that message,it tends to increase your own
anger, because getting into analtercation with someone, one of
the goals is to give my angerto them some of it anyway.
But when somebody shuts down,they're not accepting some of my
(11:50):
anger, so I'm stuck with it andI'm not happy about it.
Whether I realize that or not.
When people don't participatein our anger, that really makes
us mad, because we don't feelheard, valued or respected.
So how does simply recognizingthis message an angry person is
trying to communicate changeeverything for us?
If I see somebody get angry andI understand that this is
(12:18):
defensive in nature, it's adefensive posture, not an
offensive posture thatcompletely changes things for me
and how I see it.
So how does that play out inreal life?
Recently I was driving down theinterstate and I was in the
middle lane.
There was a truck in front ofme and I was going to go around
him, but the car in the leftlane got beside me and so I
couldn't change lanes and goaround the truck in a reasonable
(12:39):
amount of time.
So by the time I was able toactually go around the truck
when the car had gotten out ofthe way, I had gotten pretty
close to the guy's bumper in thetruck.
So when I passed him, as youmight suspect, he flipped me off
.
He was unhappy with me.
I could have really gottenupset by that, but when you
understand that usually mostanger and those kinds of things
(13:00):
are defensive, it was his way ofsaying.
You made me uncomfortable and Icompletely get that.
I've had people come up on thebacks.
You know my rear bumper and I'mnot happy about it either.
It makes me uncomfortable.
If I understand that, that'sthe message he's trying to
convey.
I don't take it personal and Idon't get upset about it.
I don't have to flip him offeither, so we can both go about
(13:24):
our day.
So let me give you a fewstrategies on how to maintain
this perspective as we gothrough our work days, our lives
with our homes, interactingwith our kids, our spouses and
co-workers.
First strategy I would suggestis remember this is not personal
.
When you understand, themessage is defensive.
It's conveying how the angryperson is feeling.
(13:46):
It's about them.
Don't make it about you byoverreacting.
Remember, when someone is angry, ultimately they usually just
want to be heard.
But people who are maliciousand actually a threat to us,
like a thief or somebody who'spredatory and maybe trying to
hurt you you got to rememberthey don't act angry, they're
(14:07):
calculating, but they're notangry.
Two very different messages.
So first thing is it's notpersonal.
Second thing is back up thedecision cycle.
What I mean by that is you haveto have a plan on how you're
going to handle the next angryperson.
If you don't have a plan andyou decide to make it up as you
(14:27):
go, the chances of you handlingit well go way, way down.
Because if I get stuck in theemotion of the moment, all bets
are off.
I'm going to do and say thingsthat will likely be, at a
minimum, counterproductive, atmost mean, hurtful or worse.
So having a plan allows me tostay calm, see things for what
(14:47):
they are and, best of of all, Idon't have to worry about making
a decision when I get reallyemotional again, because that
makes us dumb.
So all I have to do is followthe plan and I don't have to
think.
We see this a lot with firedrills.
We see this with militaryexercises or any other kind of
exercises where people areexposed to a crisis.
(15:07):
They're taught how to respond,so when the crisis actually
happens, they don't have tothink, they just do, and that
works much better.
The third thing I might suggestis, as we think about having a
plan, what is the plan?
How do we handle that?
Again, I think we need toremember the message.
The message is the person isfeeling defensive, so I want to
(15:31):
present myself not as a threat.
If I see a bear in the woods, Idon't want to charge it, I
don't want to get in its space.
I don't want to appear to be athreat of any kind whatsoever.
I want to appear to be mindingmy own business, going my own
way.
What does that look like whenyou're dealing with actual
people?
Well, if I'm not going toappear to be a threat to someone
(15:51):
, instead of maybe taking a stepforward, take a step backwards.
Instead of standing, maybe Isit down.
Instead of banging on something, maybe I just be still.
Instead of raising my voice,maybe I lower my voice or even
whisper.
A lot of times that forces theangry person to listen a little
(16:12):
bit longer, a little bit harderand a little bit longer.
The fourth thing I might suggestis give time and space.
A lot of times we want to hurryup and resolve a problem or a
conflict when it happens, butwhen you understand that someone
is very emotional and isn'tthinking clearly, give them the
time and space to let thesystems come back online.
(16:34):
They're thinking with theemotional part of the brain and
that doesn't work at the sametime as the thinking or
cognitive part of the brain.
They often counteract eachother and that doesn't work at
the same time as the thinking orcognitive part of the brain.
They often counteract eachother.
We have to give them some timeto kind of switch that back, to
get the systems online.
(17:01):
Honestly, the nonverbals we justdiscussed in terms of having a
plan and how we presentourselves physically probably is
going to carry a lot moreweight when someone is angry
than any kind of conversation orrationalizing you want to do,
because when we start trying toreason with the quote-unquote,
the emotional brain, debatingpoints or trying to correct
somebody's behavior, it's likelywe're just going to make things
worse, even if you're dealingwith your child.
Give them 30 minutes at leastor so to calm down.
Then we can always have a goodconversation about how we could
(17:22):
have done things differently.
But taking that time whensomeone is still emotionally
dysregulated and trying toconvince them and rationalize
with them and have that greatlife teaching point, is probably
not the time to do it.
Rarely can they hear thatanyway.
Finally, let me say this Don'tlet your pride get in the way.
I want to win an argument asmuch as the next guy, but I have
(17:44):
to stay focused on the desiredoutcome.
If I get stuck in all the gameand the emotions of the moment,
I will lose sight of that goal.
Unfortunately, I will also loseaccess to a lot of other
resources that I have.
I know a lot of ways to solveproblems and conflict, but when
I get emotional I forget I havethose.
I just can't access them.
(18:07):
So let me wrap up with a coupleof ideas.
First, I'm not going to say wenever get angry.
That's a fallacy.
It's never going to happen.
Don't even try to go there.
There are things that are goingto make me angry, of course,
and that's fine.
It's okay to be angry.
It's just not okay to act angry.
(18:27):
If we think back to the Stoics.
They believed that reasonshould govern our emotions.
They taught that one shouldstrive to maintain tranquility
by practicing self-control andrational thinking.
According to Marcus Aurelius,he said how much more grievous
are the consequences of angerthan the causes of it?
And so I would suggest andencourage you to try a couple of
(18:51):
these ideas.
You know, don't take someone'sanger personally.
Have a decision cycle.
Know how you're going to reactto anger before you have to deal
with it.
Cycle Know how you're going toreact to anger before you have
to deal with it.
And when you engage someone,remember it's probably a very
defensive posture that they'retaking.
So I just need to appear lesslike a threat, physically
(19:12):
especially, and certainlyverbally.
If we think there's any hope forthis relationship and we want
to work things out, I want tomake sure I give somebody time
and space to calm down before Itry to force that position,
before I try to rationalize,before I try to debate.
It's not going to go anywhere.
People who are emotionallyelevated again, the IQ goes way
(19:35):
down.
So we want to wait till thosesystems come back online so we
can have that conversation.
And finally, don't let prideget in the way.
We all want to win the argument, but again we lose sight of the
goal and what we're trying toachieve, and for long-term goals
, that doesn't work out so good,especially when we're dealing
with relationships that mean themost to us our friends, our
(19:57):
family and our kids.
So I would encourage and inviteyou to give some of these ideas
and strategies a chance.
See if it doesn't make a worldof difference on how you
interact with others and maybeeven find a little more peace in
life for yourself.
Of course, this is simple, butnot easy.
It's going to take practice toovercome habits and to
(20:20):
incorporate new tools into therepertoire.
That means giving yourself somegrace and managing expectations
.
This is difficult stuff, and ifit was easy, everybody would
have already solved the problem.
So the last thing we want to dois set ourselves up for failure
and give ourselves a fightingchance, because the last thing
we want to do is start turningsome of that anger on ourselves.
(20:45):
Thanks for checking us out todayon the Unscripted Mind.
If you found this episodehelpful, please subscribe or
follow us to get notified of newepisodes.
Also, leave a review.
If you have any questions ortopics you'd like us to cover,
please include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script.
So embrace the unexpected,cherish the unplanned.
(21:07):
Always stay curious and have anamazing day.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted Mind.
Bye.
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