September 16, 2024 • 19 mins
Could your closest relationships be secretly undermining your well-being? Uncover the subtle signs of toxic relationships and learn how to protect yourself emotionally and mentally in our latest episode of The Unscripted Mind. We take a deep dive into the perplexing world of toxic relationships, providing you with the tools to identify destructive behaviors whether they come from romantic partners, family members, coworkers, or friends. Understand why empathetic individuals often struggle to see toxic behavior for what it is and discover the red flags that reveal a relationship might be harming you, from constant anxiety to feeling consistently inadequate.
We also break down the patterns that keep people trapped in these harmful dynamics, comparing them to the addictive nature of slot machines with their unpredictable rewards. From gaslighting and emotional manipulation to inducing a fear of abandonment, we'll explore the devastating tactics that toxic individuals use to maintain control. Learn effective strategies to counteract these manipulations and recognize when it might be time to prioritize your mental health by considering separation. This episode is packed with practical advice and insights aimed at helping you reclaim your self-esteem and break free from toxic bonds. Don't forget to share this episode with someone who might need it and make sure to subscribe, follow, and leave a review!
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jim Cunningham (00:00):
How do you know if you're in a toxic
relationship?
Seems like an easy question,but this could be a romantic
relationship, a parent, a child,a coworker or even a friend.
On this episode of theUnscripted Mind, we're going to
explore the patterns of theserelationships, the tactics that
are used and why theserelationships are so hard to get
out of and stay out of.
What are the warning signs tolet you know that you're not the
(00:23):
crazy one?
Stick around.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham.
(00:43):
I'm a licensed professionalcounselor, and today we're
discussing some of the telltalesigns you might be in a toxic
relationship.
Now, people have used the termsto describe these kinds of
relationships in a lot ofdifferent ways and these kinds
of folks as narcissists,psychopaths, sociopaths, abusive
, mean, manipulative, but forour purposes here today, I'll
(01:05):
use the generic term toxic,because we're not trying to
diagnose somebody.
It really doesn't matter whatyou call it.
At the end of the day, it'sabout the signs, the patterns
and the behaviors and what thistype of environment does to
people.
Now, why do people fail to seethese tactics in real time?
I would say that most of uslook for the best in other
(01:25):
people.
We expect the best, we assumethat and often project our own
values in other people, and bythat I mean I expect other
people to do the things I woulddo or treat other people the way
I would treat them.
But when you're dealing with atoxic person, it's almost
impossible to anticipate thethings they will do, because
they are not coming at it fromthe same perspective as you are.
(01:46):
Now.
I'll also say that I know a lotof people throw around the
terms like narcissist and toxic.
These days it's kind of acatchphrase, almost, and there's
a lot of jokes out there aboutit.
But if you've ever been in oneof these relationships, you know
it's anything but funny.
It tends to be very cruel andhas very negative impacts on
people.
If you've never been in one ofthese relationships, though much
(02:08):
of this might sound veryforeign to you or you might even
have a hard time believing thiscan actually be true those that
have been in theserelationships know very well
that these people do exist andthat it can be a very, very
difficult thing to deal with.
So when I see clients come tomy office, most of them are
feeling angry, anxious, and theytend to have the negative
(02:31):
self-belief that they're notgood enough, and the more they
talk, the more it seems apparentto me I often say things like
you know, I'm not sure this isyou, I'm not sure this is your
problem.
Most of these are empathetic andcaring people, and dealing with
toxic people is probably one ofthe biggest challenges empaths
face, and I discussed this in aprevious podcast called the
(02:53):
Problem with Empaths.
I'll leave a link here and puta link up here on the screen or
in the description below.
So what are some of thecharacteristics of a toxic
person?
Just so we kind of understandwhat we're dealing with.
They tend to be very lowempathy and have little remorse.
Now, they may occasionally showremorse or regret, but for them
(03:15):
, it's usually part of the gameto either keep you off balance
or to reel you back into therelationship after a fight or
some kind of disagreement.
How do you know?
It's not you, though, and sothis is the challenge with a lot
of empaths.
They tend to be veryself-critical, and so for them,
a lot of times, they feel likewell, I'm the one getting angry,
I'm the one feeling anxious, soit must be me.
And to try to convince themotherwise and maybe walk them
(03:36):
through what these tendenciesand patterns look like is very
challenging and hard to getpeople to understand that.
So this is a hard one forpeople, to help them see the
possibility or the possiblereality of their situation.
So how do you know it's not you?
First, if you're the one whofeels bad and is starting to
(03:58):
seek help.
Toxic people tend to not dothat.
Secondly, if you tend toapologize and make excuses for
this other person and theirbehavior, usually mentioning
your own shortcomings and owningmaybe more than you should of
your own stuff.
Number three if you try to findreasons not to go home or you
(04:19):
don't look forward to going home, that might be a red flag also.
Number four as the victim, youoften are afraid of the toxic
person, either their reactions,their criticisms or their other
forms of abuse.
And finally, most importantly,ask yourself do you feel this
way around everyone or just thisperson?
Do you have good relationseverywhere else at work, at the
(04:42):
gym but only feel inadequate inthis situation?
Those all might be signs thatit's not you that you might be
in a toxic relationship.
So how do toxic relationshipsoften begin, and what are the
patterns that usually start arelationship with a toxic person
?
And I say usually because thesepatterns tend to be pretty
consistent across most toxicrelationships and it's like
(05:07):
these toxic folks have been tothe same training.
It's kind of weird in that way,see if any of these resonate
with you.
So when you first meet a toxicperson, you feel an instant
connection, a bond.
Maybe you felt like you've metyour soulmate and for some
reason you don't find it reallycreepy.
There are reasons for this.
Often, when they meet you,they're gathering information.
(05:28):
They tell you how much theyhave in common with you, and on
the first few dates you do mostof the talking.
And then they use this thingcalled mirroring to reflect back
what you've told them aboutyourself.
You just can't believe howperfect you are for each other
because you have so much incommon.
And after a short period of timethey start to push for a
commitment.
Now that could look likemarriage, living together or
(05:50):
some other type of long-termcommitment.
Things may still be very goodat this point, but once they
have the commitment, many thingsare going to start to change.
Number one they're going tostart to isolate their target.
Now, all of a sudden, theydon't like your friends, your
family, maybe they decide tomove you away from your support
system, your link to sanity.
(06:11):
These relationships are likeeating a cheesecake, like a
whole cheesecake.
It tastes amazing at first, butthen starts to make you a
little sick at your stomachafter a while.
Next, they start chipping awayat your self-esteem, how you
feel about yourself.
This often leads to a sense ofdependency on this person
financially, emotionally andother ways.
At this point it's almost likeyou're in a cult because you can
(06:34):
be controlled.
These tactics are very similarto what?
And deprivation to controlpeople, authoritarianism.
Cult leaders often exerciseabsolute authoritarianism.
(06:56):
They don't like beingchallenged.
So now the victim is cut off andthis toxic person becomes the
center of the victim's life.
Usually, the victim doesn't offand this toxic person becomes
the center of the victim's life.
Usually the victim doesn't evenrealize this.
They just know that they feelvery bad about themselves and
they react in ways that are notcharacteristic of them.
They might get increasinglymore anxious, more increasingly
(07:17):
angry, more depressed.
Feelings of hopelessness startcreeping into the picture and
they get more and more angry andthey start to show that, and
then, of course, they beatthemselves up for all these
emotions.
Finally, after trying to be allthat they can be and failing
over and over again, most canonly come to the same conclusion
that they are not good enough.
Not the toxic person, butthemselves.
(07:38):
It's the irony of all ironiesthat the toxic person is given a
pass and the victim not onlyprotects the toxic person, but
then also blames themselves.
Someone once told me how hardthey worked to try to please
their toxic person, and theysaid you know, what really
struck them is that the onlything that was ever reflected
back to them was failure.
(08:01):
So what are some of the tacticsthat toxic people use?
It's important to see thesebecause let me first say that if
you want to change somebody'sbehavior, you don't have to give
them a treat every time theypull the lever.
In fact, it's better.
If you don't, you want torandomly reward people.
Randomized rewards are alsoknown as variable ratio
(08:21):
reinforcement.
This is where the reward isgiven after an unpredictable
number of responses or behaviors.
This creates a high and steadyrate of responding.
Because the reward isunpredictable, you don't know
when you're going to get it.
This is why slot machines andcasinos are so effective because
they operate on a variableratio schedule.
(08:41):
Players don't know when they'regoing to get rewarded.
They don't know how many timesthey need to play before they
win, so they continue playing inanticipation of the reward.
Toxic relationships are the samein many ways.
In a toxic relationship, youget conditioned for mediocre
treatment or bad treatment, butevery once in a while, every
(09:02):
once in a while, the machinehits and you get paid off and
that could look like attention,affection, sex, gifts, a trip,
and you know what it feelsamazing.
It's dopamine.
And you get your hopes up everytime one of these positive
rewards happen.
So you go back to playing themachine and guess what?
(09:25):
It goes back to poor treatment.
It doesn't stay that way and,just like the slot machine, you
go back to working harder andharder to get that next reward
from this person.
You don't know when it's goingto happen, but you know it'll
happen, eventually, probably.
So you work and you work andyou work for the next dopamine
hit and what this meanspractically is it looks like an
(09:48):
addiction.
I believe this is why theserelationships are so hard to get
out of and many sources saythat on average, it takes seven
times leaving a toxicrelationships to actually stay
out of it seven times.
So it's really weird that a lotof people who are getting out
of these are trying to get outof these types of relationships.
(10:09):
We don't like this person.
They don't like this person,but they want to please them.
Maybe they feel like theyshould shoot them a text and say
, hey, I just want to see howthey're doing.
They would like that.
It's very strange and verycounterintuitive.
So what are some of thesespecific things that that toxic
people do that really start toget into the DNA, that start
(10:30):
chipping away your self-esteem,your happiness, and start
controlling you more and more?
Number one manufactured emotions.
This is important.
Often they will do somethingthat will trigger you to elicit
an emotion.
It could be lying to you,flirting with someone else,
breaking an agreement, whatever,it doesn't really matter.
Then you react angrily,justifiably so, but that person
(10:53):
focuses on your reaction andcompletely overlooks what made
you angry.
See how you are, see how youget In seconds.
All of a sudden you're on thedefensive and you have no idea
how you got there.
They flip it around veryquickly.
So a lot of manufacturedemotions can really drive and
start chipping away at thatself-esteem and self-confidence.
(11:16):
They lie and they make excuses.
There is always an excuse foreverything, even things that
don't require excuses.
Everyone messes up now and then, but the toxic person's actions
never match their words andtheir lies disappoint you so
frequently.
You actually feel relieved whenthey do something halfway
decent.
They've conditioned you tobecome grateful for that
(11:38):
mediocre treatment.
Number three is that they'realways the eternal victim.
They will always blame others.
Nothing is ever their fault.
Now they may cry abuse, but inthe end you're the only one
that's being abused.
You will end up feeling bad forthem when they've done
something horribly wrong.
You will instead use it as anopportunity to bond with them
(12:00):
over the supposed complexfeelings and once they have
successfully averted yourattention elsewhere, everything
goes back to the way it was.
It was just temporary.
Remember, being the victim orplaying the victim means never
having to say you're sorry.
They also use a condescendingand patronizing tone.
Toxic people often try to makeyou unhinged and attempt to gain
(12:24):
the upper hand.
They might smirk when you tryto express yourself.
Teasing becomes a primary modeof communication.
Subtly, they will belittle yourintelligence, your physical
features, your achievements andif you point this out, they call
you hypersensitive and crazy.
Number five is hypocrisy.
You know, in heated arguments,toxic people have no shame and
(12:46):
will often start labeling youwith their own flaws because
they're seeking a reaction.
The point is to lure you in sothat you react and seem crazy to
onlookers.
They also have extremely highexpectations for fidelity,
respect, adoration.
Now they will give none of thisback to you, unless it's maybe
during a short love bombingperiod, but generally they're
(13:09):
going to lie, cheat, insult anddegrade, but you are expected to
remain perfect.
Number six is gaslighting, andgaslighting is a very effective
psychological manipulation,usually done over an extended
period of time, that causes youto question the validity of your
own thoughts and perceptions ofreality or memories and
(13:30):
typically leads to confusion,loss of confidence and
self-esteem, uncertainty ofone's emotional and mental
stability and the dependency onthe perpetrator, according to
Merriam-Webster.
For example, lying about ordenying something and refusing
to admit the lie even when youshow them proof, or insisting
that an event or behavior yousaw actually never happened and
(13:52):
that you're remembering it allwrong.
Number seven you feel the needto explain basic human emotions
to them.
You'll find yourself attemptingto explain emotions like
empathy and kindness, thingsthat most of us learned in
kindergarten.
You think that if theyunderstand why you're hurt,
they'll stop hurting you.
But they won't.
They wouldn't have done it inthe first place if they weren't
you're hurt.
They'll stop hurting you, butthey won't.
(14:13):
They wouldn't have done it inthe first place if they weren't
toxic or a decent human being.
The worst part is they pretendto be decent when you first meet
them, they suck you in withthis sweetness, this caring
persona, and then it all changes.
Number eight you find yourselfplaying detective.
It's never happened in anyother relationship you've been
in.
But suddenly you're scrollingback on their social media
(14:36):
looking for answers to a feelingyou can't quite explain.
The gut knows what the gutknows, and sometimes we don't
listen to it carefully enough.
Number nine they focus on yourmistakes and ignore their own.
If you're two hours late, don'tforget you were once five
minutes late on your first date.
If you point out their mistakes, they will be quick to turn the
(14:58):
conversation back on you andagain get you back in defensive
mode in very quick, short order.
And finally, number 10, youfear that any fight could be
your last.
Normal couples argue to resolveissues, but toxic people make it
clear that negativeconversations will jeopardize
the relationship, especially theones regarding their behavior.
(15:19):
Now, are they actually going toend the relationship?
You wish that would make thingsso much easier for you, but not
so fast.
Honestly, they have it too goodto leave.
Not so fast, honestly, theyhave it too good to leave.
Instead, out of fear, youapologize and you quickly
forgive them so we can move on.
Here's a couple other quickpoints about toxic people.
(15:40):
You feel an edge around thisperson, but you still want them
to like you.
In fact, you'll likely writeoff most of their questionable
behavior as accidental orinsensitive.
They withhold attention andaffection and undermine your
self-esteem.
You're the only one who seestheir true colors.
A lot of times, if you livewith this person, they can be
(16:02):
horrible to you and everybodyelse thinks they are the most
wonderful person in the world.
They have that great personaand they can switch that around
very effectively.
They can't put themselves inyour shoes, or anybody else's
for that matter, and then theydo this thing called circular
conversations.
You'll think you've workedsomething out, only to be
discussing it again and again intwo minutes.
(16:23):
It's as if you never said aword the first time around, and
then they begin reciting all ofthe same old, tired stuff that
you've heard before, ignoringany legitimate arguments you may
have, and if something's goingto be resolved, it's going to be
on their terms.
With toxic people, the sameissues are going to come up over
and over again.
So what you find in normalloving people and relationships
(16:48):
that they don't raise a lot ofthese red flags if any, after an
encounter with a toxic personraise a lot of these red flags,
if any.
After an encounter with a toxicperson, though, a lot of these
survivors face the struggle ofhypervigilance who can I trust?
Can I trust myself?
Can I even trust my ownjudgment anymore?
And so their pendulum is goingto swing back and forth for a
while, just trying to understandand kind of come to terms with
what they've dealt with and howthey've been treated.
(17:10):
So, if you think you might be ina toxic relationship, here are
some questions you need to askyourself as kind of a sanity
check.
Number one how do you feel whenyou're around this person?
Number two how do you feel whenyou just think about being
around this person?
Number three does this persongive you energy or take it from
you?
Do you trust this person?
(17:33):
Does this person violate yourboundaries and how often does
this person lie to you?
Who holds the power in therelationship?
Is it balanced, as in mosthealthy relationships, or do
they have most of the power?
Who does all the apologizing inthe relationship?
Who's putting in most of theeffort in the relationship and
(17:54):
taking the initiative to makesure it's good?
Is it you or someone else?
Do you have to change yourselfaround this person and if you do
, is it for you or for them?
Are you afraid of this personemotionally or financially or
physically?
The amazing thing about thesepatterns of behavior is that
(18:14):
it's like most of these toxicpeople have all been to the same
training because they do manyof the exact same tactics and
manipulations.
But once you can start to seethem for what they are, finally
you can start to see throughthem.
On the next episode we're goingto discuss what do you do if
you're a victim of a toxicrelationship and then these
(18:36):
things are true for you.
How do you handle that?
How do you start to counter thegaslighting, the manipulations
and the games, and when might itbe time to consider maybe
creating some separation fromthat relationship?
Thanks for checking us out onthe unscripted mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with somebody
who might need it Also.
Please subscribe, follow us andleave a review.
(18:58):
If you have any questions ortopics you'd like us to cover,
please include that also.
Until next time, remember, lifedoesn't come with a script, so
embrace the unexpected, cherishthe unplanned, always stay
curious and have an amazing day.
We'll see you next time on theunscripted mind.
How do you know if you're in a toxic
relationship?
Seems like an easy question,but this could be a romantic
relationship, a parent, a child,a coworker or even a friend.
On this episode of theUnscripted Mind, we're going to
explore the patterns of theserelationships, the tactics that
are used and why theserelationships are so hard to get
out of and stay out of.
What are the warning signs tolet you know that you're not the
(00:23):
crazy one?
Stick around.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham.
(00:43):
I'm a licensed professionalcounselor, and today we're
discussing some of the telltalesigns you might be in a toxic
relationship.
Now, people have used the termsto describe these kinds of
relationships in a lot ofdifferent ways and these kinds
of folks as narcissists,psychopaths, sociopaths, abusive
, mean, manipulative, but forour purposes here today, I'll
(01:05):
use the generic term toxic,because we're not trying to
diagnose somebody.
It really doesn't matter whatyou call it.
At the end of the day, it'sabout the signs, the patterns
and the behaviors and what thistype of environment does to
people.
Now, why do people fail to seethese tactics in real time?
I would say that most of uslook for the best in other
(01:25):
people.
We expect the best, we assumethat and often project our own
values in other people, and bythat I mean I expect other
people to do the things I woulddo or treat other people the way
I would treat them.
But when you're dealing with atoxic person, it's almost
impossible to anticipate thethings they will do, because
they are not coming at it fromthe same perspective as you are.
(01:46):
Now.
I'll also say that I know a lotof people throw around the
terms like narcissist and toxic.
These days it's kind of acatchphrase, almost, and there's
a lot of jokes out there aboutit.
But if you've ever been in oneof these relationships, you know
it's anything but funny.
It tends to be very cruel andhas very negative impacts on
people.
If you've never been in one ofthese relationships, though much
(02:08):
of this might sound veryforeign to you or you might even
have a hard time believing thiscan actually be true those that
have been in theserelationships know very well
that these people do exist andthat it can be a very, very
difficult thing to deal with.
So when I see clients come tomy office, most of them are
feeling angry, anxious, and theytend to have the negative
(02:31):
self-belief that they're notgood enough, and the more they
talk, the more it seems apparentto me I often say things like
you know, I'm not sure this isyou, I'm not sure this is your
problem.
Most of these are empathetic andcaring people, and dealing with
toxic people is probably one ofthe biggest challenges empaths
face, and I discussed this in aprevious podcast called the
(02:53):
Problem with Empaths.
I'll leave a link here and puta link up here on the screen or
in the description below.
So what are some of thecharacteristics of a toxic
person?
Just so we kind of understandwhat we're dealing with.
They tend to be very lowempathy and have little remorse.
Now, they may occasionally showremorse or regret, but for them
(03:15):
, it's usually part of the gameto either keep you off balance
or to reel you back into therelationship after a fight or
some kind of disagreement.
How do you know?
It's not you, though, and sothis is the challenge with a lot
of empaths.
They tend to be veryself-critical, and so for them,
a lot of times, they feel likewell, I'm the one getting angry,
I'm the one feeling anxious, soit must be me.
And to try to convince themotherwise and maybe walk them
(03:36):
through what these tendenciesand patterns look like is very
challenging and hard to getpeople to understand that.
So this is a hard one forpeople, to help them see the
possibility or the possiblereality of their situation.
So how do you know it's not you?
First, if you're the one whofeels bad and is starting to
(03:58):
seek help.
Toxic people tend to not dothat.
Secondly, if you tend toapologize and make excuses for
this other person and theirbehavior, usually mentioning
your own shortcomings and owningmaybe more than you should of
your own stuff.
Number three if you try to findreasons not to go home or you
(04:19):
don't look forward to going home, that might be a red flag also.
Number four as the victim, youoften are afraid of the toxic
person, either their reactions,their criticisms or their other
forms of abuse.
And finally, most importantly,ask yourself do you feel this
way around everyone or just thisperson?
Do you have good relationseverywhere else at work, at the
(04:42):
gym but only feel inadequate inthis situation?
Those all might be signs thatit's not you that you might be
in a toxic relationship.
So how do toxic relationshipsoften begin, and what are the
patterns that usually start arelationship with a toxic person
?
And I say usually because thesepatterns tend to be pretty
consistent across most toxicrelationships and it's like
(05:07):
these toxic folks have been tothe same training.
It's kind of weird in that way,see if any of these resonate
with you.
So when you first meet a toxicperson, you feel an instant
connection, a bond.
Maybe you felt like you've metyour soulmate and for some
reason you don't find it reallycreepy.
There are reasons for this.
Often, when they meet you,they're gathering information.
(05:28):
They tell you how much theyhave in common with you, and on
the first few dates you do mostof the talking.
And then they use this thingcalled mirroring to reflect back
what you've told them aboutyourself.
You just can't believe howperfect you are for each other
because you have so much incommon.
And after a short period of timethey start to push for a
commitment.
Now that could look likemarriage, living together or
(05:50):
some other type of long-termcommitment.
Things may still be very goodat this point, but once they
have the commitment, many thingsare going to start to change.
Number one they're going tostart to isolate their target.
Now, all of a sudden, theydon't like your friends, your
family, maybe they decide tomove you away from your support
system, your link to sanity.
(06:11):
These relationships are likeeating a cheesecake, like a
whole cheesecake.
It tastes amazing at first, butthen starts to make you a
little sick at your stomachafter a while.
Next, they start chipping awayat your self-esteem, how you
feel about yourself.
This often leads to a sense ofdependency on this person
financially, emotionally andother ways.
At this point it's almost likeyou're in a cult because you can
(06:34):
be controlled.
These tactics are very similarto what?
And deprivation to controlpeople, authoritarianism.
Cult leaders often exerciseabsolute authoritarianism.
(06:56):
They don't like beingchallenged.
So now the victim is cut off andthis toxic person becomes the
center of the victim's life.
Usually, the victim doesn't offand this toxic person becomes
the center of the victim's life.
Usually the victim doesn't evenrealize this.
They just know that they feelvery bad about themselves and
they react in ways that are notcharacteristic of them.
They might get increasinglymore anxious, more increasingly
(07:17):
angry, more depressed.
Feelings of hopelessness startcreeping into the picture and
they get more and more angry andthey start to show that, and
then, of course, they beatthemselves up for all these
emotions.
Finally, after trying to be allthat they can be and failing
over and over again, most canonly come to the same conclusion
that they are not good enough.
Not the toxic person, butthemselves.
(07:38):
It's the irony of all ironiesthat the toxic person is given a
pass and the victim not onlyprotects the toxic person, but
then also blames themselves.
Someone once told me how hardthey worked to try to please
their toxic person, and theysaid you know, what really
struck them is that the onlything that was ever reflected
back to them was failure.
(08:01):
So what are some of the tacticsthat toxic people use?
It's important to see thesebecause let me first say that if
you want to change somebody'sbehavior, you don't have to give
them a treat every time theypull the lever.
In fact, it's better.
If you don't, you want torandomly reward people.
Randomized rewards are alsoknown as variable ratio
(08:21):
reinforcement.
This is where the reward isgiven after an unpredictable
number of responses or behaviors.
This creates a high and steadyrate of responding.
Because the reward isunpredictable, you don't know
when you're going to get it.
This is why slot machines andcasinos are so effective because
they operate on a variableratio schedule.
(08:41):
Players don't know when they'regoing to get rewarded.
They don't know how many timesthey need to play before they
win, so they continue playing inanticipation of the reward.
Toxic relationships are the samein many ways.
In a toxic relationship, youget conditioned for mediocre
treatment or bad treatment, butevery once in a while, every
(09:02):
once in a while, the machinehits and you get paid off and
that could look like attention,affection, sex, gifts, a trip,
and you know what it feelsamazing.
It's dopamine.
And you get your hopes up everytime one of these positive
rewards happen.
So you go back to playing themachine and guess what?
(09:25):
It goes back to poor treatment.
It doesn't stay that way and,just like the slot machine, you
go back to working harder andharder to get that next reward
from this person.
You don't know when it's goingto happen, but you know it'll
happen, eventually, probably.
So you work and you work andyou work for the next dopamine
hit and what this meanspractically is it looks like an
(09:48):
addiction.
I believe this is why theserelationships are so hard to get
out of and many sources saythat on average, it takes seven
times leaving a toxicrelationships to actually stay
out of it seven times.
So it's really weird that a lotof people who are getting out
of these are trying to get outof these types of relationships.
(10:09):
We don't like this person.
They don't like this person,but they want to please them.
Maybe they feel like theyshould shoot them a text and say
, hey, I just want to see howthey're doing.
They would like that.
It's very strange and verycounterintuitive.
So what are some of thesespecific things that that toxic
people do that really start toget into the DNA, that start
(10:30):
chipping away your self-esteem,your happiness, and start
controlling you more and more?
Number one manufactured emotions.
This is important.
Often they will do somethingthat will trigger you to elicit
an emotion.
It could be lying to you,flirting with someone else,
breaking an agreement, whatever,it doesn't really matter.
Then you react angrily,justifiably so, but that person
(10:53):
focuses on your reaction andcompletely overlooks what made
you angry.
See how you are, see how youget In seconds.
All of a sudden you're on thedefensive and you have no idea
how you got there.
They flip it around veryquickly.
So a lot of manufacturedemotions can really drive and
start chipping away at thatself-esteem and self-confidence.
(11:16):
They lie and they make excuses.
There is always an excuse foreverything, even things that
don't require excuses.
Everyone messes up now and then, but the toxic person's actions
never match their words andtheir lies disappoint you so
frequently.
You actually feel relieved whenthey do something halfway
decent.
They've conditioned you tobecome grateful for that
(11:38):
mediocre treatment.
Number three is that they'realways the eternal victim.
They will always blame others.
Nothing is ever their fault.
Now they may cry abuse, but inthe end you're the only one
that's being abused.
You will end up feeling bad forthem when they've done
something horribly wrong.
You will instead use it as anopportunity to bond with them
(12:00):
over the supposed complexfeelings and once they have
successfully averted yourattention elsewhere, everything
goes back to the way it was.
It was just temporary.
Remember, being the victim orplaying the victim means never
having to say you're sorry.
They also use a condescendingand patronizing tone.
Toxic people often try to makeyou unhinged and attempt to gain
(12:24):
the upper hand.
They might smirk when you tryto express yourself.
Teasing becomes a primary modeof communication.
Subtly, they will belittle yourintelligence, your physical
features, your achievements andif you point this out, they call
you hypersensitive and crazy.
Number five is hypocrisy.
You know, in heated arguments,toxic people have no shame and
(12:46):
will often start labeling youwith their own flaws because
they're seeking a reaction.
The point is to lure you in sothat you react and seem crazy to
onlookers.
They also have extremely highexpectations for fidelity,
respect, adoration.
Now they will give none of thisback to you, unless it's maybe
during a short love bombingperiod, but generally they're
(13:09):
going to lie, cheat, insult anddegrade, but you are expected to
remain perfect.
Number six is gaslighting, andgaslighting is a very effective
psychological manipulation,usually done over an extended
period of time, that causes youto question the validity of your
own thoughts and perceptions ofreality or memories and
(13:30):
typically leads to confusion,loss of confidence and
self-esteem, uncertainty ofone's emotional and mental
stability and the dependency onthe perpetrator, according to
Merriam-Webster.
For example, lying about ordenying something and refusing
to admit the lie even when youshow them proof, or insisting
that an event or behavior yousaw actually never happened and
(13:52):
that you're remembering it allwrong.
Number seven you feel the needto explain basic human emotions
to them.
You'll find yourself attemptingto explain emotions like
empathy and kindness, thingsthat most of us learned in
kindergarten.
You think that if theyunderstand why you're hurt,
they'll stop hurting you.
But they won't.
They wouldn't have done it inthe first place if they weren't
you're hurt.
They'll stop hurting you, butthey won't.
(14:13):
They wouldn't have done it inthe first place if they weren't
toxic or a decent human being.
The worst part is they pretendto be decent when you first meet
them, they suck you in withthis sweetness, this caring
persona, and then it all changes.
Number eight you find yourselfplaying detective.
It's never happened in anyother relationship you've been
in.
But suddenly you're scrollingback on their social media
(14:36):
looking for answers to a feelingyou can't quite explain.
The gut knows what the gutknows, and sometimes we don't
listen to it carefully enough.
Number nine they focus on yourmistakes and ignore their own.
If you're two hours late, don'tforget you were once five
minutes late on your first date.
If you point out their mistakes, they will be quick to turn the
(14:58):
conversation back on you andagain get you back in defensive
mode in very quick, short order.
And finally, number 10, youfear that any fight could be
your last.
Normal couples argue to resolveissues, but toxic people make it
clear that negativeconversations will jeopardize
the relationship, especially theones regarding their behavior.
(15:19):
Now, are they actually going toend the relationship?
You wish that would make thingsso much easier for you, but not
so fast.
Honestly, they have it too goodto leave.
Not so fast, honestly, theyhave it too good to leave.
Instead, out of fear, youapologize and you quickly
forgive them so we can move on.
Here's a couple other quickpoints about toxic people.
(15:40):
You feel an edge around thisperson, but you still want them
to like you.
In fact, you'll likely writeoff most of their questionable
behavior as accidental orinsensitive.
They withhold attention andaffection and undermine your
self-esteem.
You're the only one who seestheir true colors.
A lot of times, if you livewith this person, they can be
(16:02):
horrible to you and everybodyelse thinks they are the most
wonderful person in the world.
They have that great personaand they can switch that around
very effectively.
They can't put themselves inyour shoes, or anybody else's
for that matter, and then theydo this thing called circular
conversations.
You'll think you've workedsomething out, only to be
discussing it again and again intwo minutes.
(16:23):
It's as if you never said aword the first time around, and
then they begin reciting all ofthe same old, tired stuff that
you've heard before, ignoringany legitimate arguments you may
have, and if something's goingto be resolved, it's going to be
on their terms.
With toxic people, the sameissues are going to come up over
and over again.
So what you find in normalloving people and relationships
(16:48):
that they don't raise a lot ofthese red flags if any, after an
encounter with a toxic personraise a lot of these red flags,
if any.
After an encounter with a toxicperson, though, a lot of these
survivors face the struggle ofhypervigilance who can I trust?
Can I trust myself?
Can I even trust my ownjudgment anymore?
And so their pendulum is goingto swing back and forth for a
while, just trying to understandand kind of come to terms with
what they've dealt with and howthey've been treated.
(17:10):
So, if you think you might be ina toxic relationship, here are
some questions you need to askyourself as kind of a sanity
check.
Number one how do you feel whenyou're around this person?
Number two how do you feel whenyou just think about being
around this person?
Number three does this persongive you energy or take it from
you?
Do you trust this person?
(17:33):
Does this person violate yourboundaries and how often does
this person lie to you?
Who holds the power in therelationship?
Is it balanced, as in mosthealthy relationships, or do
they have most of the power?
Who does all the apologizing inthe relationship?
Who's putting in most of theeffort in the relationship and
(17:54):
taking the initiative to makesure it's good?
Is it you or someone else?
Do you have to change yourselfaround this person and if you do
, is it for you or for them?
Are you afraid of this personemotionally or financially or
physically?
The amazing thing about thesepatterns of behavior is that
(18:14):
it's like most of these toxicpeople have all been to the same
training because they do manyof the exact same tactics and
manipulations.
But once you can start to seethem for what they are, finally
you can start to see throughthem.
On the next episode we're goingto discuss what do you do if
you're a victim of a toxicrelationship and then these
(18:36):
things are true for you.
How do you handle that?
How do you start to counter thegaslighting, the manipulations
and the games, and when might itbe time to consider maybe
creating some separation fromthat relationship?
Thanks for checking us out onthe unscripted mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with somebody
who might need it Also.
Please subscribe, follow us andleave a review.
(18:58):
If you have any questions ortopics you'd like us to cover,
please include that also.
Until next time, remember, lifedoesn't come with a script, so
embrace the unexpected, cherishthe unplanned, always stay
curious and have an amazing day.
We'll see you next time on theunscripted mind.
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