July 15, 2024 • 13 mins
Ever felt like you're running on a hamster wheel, chasing success but never quite catching it? On this episode of the Unscripted Mind, we uncover a transformative approach to success that defies society's traditional benchmarks. Jim Cunningham, a seasoned professional counselor, shares an enlightening story about a man pushing an immovable rock—a metaphor for how the journey itself can be the real triumph, even if the outcome isn't what we expect. This episode challenges the typical focus on material achievements and external validation, offering instead a more fulfilling path to growth and self-improvement.
Tune in as we dissect research-backed benefits of setting process-oriented goals and adopting a growth mindset, drawing insights from Carol Dweck's pioneering studies. We discuss how these concepts can supercharge your motivation, enhance your performance, and lead to greater overall satisfaction. Packed with practical tools and fresh perspectives, this episode aims to help you redefine your own metrics for success, build resilience, and recognize the tangible victories in your daily life. Don't miss this chance to change how you view your path to happiness and fulfillment.
Tune in as we dissect research-backed benefits of setting process-oriented goals and adopting a growth mindset, drawing insights from Carol Dweck's pioneering studies. We discuss how these concepts can supercharge your motivation, enhance your performance, and lead to greater overall satisfaction. Packed with practical tools and fresh perspectives, this episode aims to help you redefine your own metrics for success, build resilience, and recognize the tangible victories in your daily life. Don't miss this chance to change how you view your path to happiness and fulfillment.
The goal of The UnScripted Mind Podcast is to give you fresh perspectives, practical insights and tools you can use to give you more choices, self-awareness and control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jim Cunningham (00:02):
How do you define success?
Money, followers on socialmedia, promotions at work, a
nice car, a new house, personalachievements, maybe successful
children?
But what if we were playing thewrong game but we just didn't
know it?
What if there was another wayto define winning, an easier way
(00:22):
to be happy and less stressed.
Stick around, that's the topicon this episode of the
Unscripted Mind.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham, a licensedprofessional counselor and have
(00:43):
better control of your feelings,reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham, a licensedprofessional counselor, and
today I want to challenge thenotion of what success really
means.
Society, media, advertisements,other people all are trying to
define who we should be, what weshould be, what we should have,
(01:03):
and telling us how to be happy.
But what if this is the wronggame?
What if we're chasing the wrongthings?
What if we're actually makingthings worse instead of better?
Let me start by using the storyas an illustration.
Once upon a time, there was aman who was sleeping in his
cabin when suddenly, god wakeshim up and he tells him that he
(01:28):
has a job for him to do.
So he takes him outside and heshows him this very large rock
in front of his cabin.
And god explained to the manthat his job was to push on the
rock with all his might.
Well, this was a faithful man,so he did just as God asked.
Day after day, year after year,he toiled from sunup to sundown
(01:54):
, pushing with all his might,and every night the man returned
to his cabin sore and wore outfeeling like his whole day had
been wasted and that he was afailure.
Finally, one day, the man wasso discouraged, frustrated and
angry he called out to God andsaid I've worked hard and
faithfully every day, puttingall my strength into doing what
you've asked, but after all thistime, the rock hasn't even
budged.
This is ridiculous.
(02:16):
I've wasted so much time Tothis.
The Lord respondedcompassionately.
He said when I asked you toserve me and you accepted, I
told you that your task was topush against the rock with all
your strength, which you did,but never once did I mention to
you that I expected you to movethe rock.
(02:38):
Your task was just to push.
And now you've come to me.
Your energy is spent thinkingthat you failed.
But is that really true?
I mean, look at yourself yourarms, your back, your neck are
all strong and muscled.
Your hands are calloused fromconstant pressure and your legs
have become massive and strong.
Through opposition, you havegrown so much and your abilities
(03:02):
now surpass anything that youhad before, even though the rock
never moved.
See, I think this is the problemwe also have we get so tied to
outcomes.
We lose sight of the truevictories in life.
I think this story is apowerful reminder that our focus
should be on the process, notthe outcome.
(03:22):
When we become fixated on theend result, we often miss the
growth and the developmentthat's happening within us, in
fact, right in front of us.
The man in the story becamestronger, more resilient and
more faithful, even though hedidn't achieve the outcome he
thought he needed to, and hemissed the real, tangible
successives that were right infront of him.
(03:43):
There's a lot of research thatsupports this idea Studies that
show that focusing on immediatetasks and setting
process-oriented goals can leadto better performance and
greater satisfaction.
For example, one study foundthat individuals who set
learning goals which areprocess-oriented performed
(04:03):
better than those who setperformance goals which are
outcome-oriented than those whoset performance goals which are
outcome oriented.
Another study demonstrated thatfocusing on mastery goals,
which emphasizes the process oflearning and improving, leads to
higher intrinsic motivation andbetter long-term outcomes.
So I've talked about CarolDweck's research before.
I mentioned it in a previouspodcast called the Echo of Our
(04:26):
Words, but her researchillustrates that those who
embrace challenges and seeeffort as a path to mastery are
more likely to achieve successin the long run.
She explained that growthmindset encourages resilience
and persistence, helpingindividuals overcome obstacles
and continue progressing despitesetbacks.
(04:49):
If you remember the studies, shehad two groups one with a
growth mindset and one with afixed mindset.
The fixed mindset was focusedon the outcomes and in this case
it was about doing well on atest.
The growth mindsets were aboutalso taking a test, but looking
at it a little differently, inthat those people worked hard
for success, whereas the fixedmindset group was focused on the
(05:13):
outcomes because they werelabeled as smart.
And so what she found isthrough this research is that
those who were in the growthmindset process oriented enjoyed
the challenges.
They appreciated them.
Those that were in the fixedmindset did not appreciate the
challenges because it mightnegatively impact the outcome
(05:35):
which was their grade.
So the other problem focusingon outcomes is that it creates
stress and anxiety.
If you take care of the littlethings, the outcomes and the big
things will take care ofthemselves.
Let's the outcomes and the bigthings will take care of
themselves.
Let's consider a differentexample to illustrate this.
I want you to think ofbasketball.
You're at the foul line, timehas expired and you can win the
(06:03):
game if you simply make a freethrow.
Winning is the outcome you want.
But if you focus exclusively onthe winning, what will happen
if you miss?
Well, everybody's going to bedisappointed, you're going to
have failed, you will have lostthe game for the team,
everybody's going to be unhappyand you're going to look foolish
.
That's not what coaches teachyou to focus on.
When a player steps up to theline, the best advice is to
focus on the mechanics of theshot, not whether or not the
(06:26):
ball is going to go through thehoop.
The proper stance, the grip onthe ball, the fluid arm motion,
the follow through all thesemechanics need the player's full
attention and that's it.
And if you execute themechanics, the shot is going to
go in.
The rest will take care ofitself.
If you focus on the outcome,though, am I going to lose the
(06:48):
game for the team?
You're going to create so muchstress and anxiety you aren't
going to be able to function.
Your chances of making the shotgo way down.
It's the process that makes yousuccessful, not the outcome.
We think of all of ourprofessional sports heroes and
we see them winning Super Bowlsand world championships, and we
focus on just how they performedin that moment, but we forget
(07:10):
the process it took them and theyears of work it took them to
get there.
So the outcome is just theicing on the cake.
It's secondary.
The advice is the same forpeople who have test anxiety.
They worry about the grade theymight get instead of realizing
that if they only focus on thestudying, the grades are going
to take care of themselves andthey're going to have a whole
(07:31):
lot less stress and anxiety.
So focusing on the processrather than the outcome is also
beneficial, because goal settingcan be fraught with problems,
even when we successfullyachieve those goals.
So one problem with goals isthat they are binary you either
succeed or you fail.
Most of us fail, and we knowthis because we think of new
(07:55):
year's resolutions and how oftenwe have all these great ideas
only to not follow through.
So we set ourselves up forfailure, because it's a binary
construct and there's no middleground pass or fail.
The second problem with thesebinary type of goals is what
happens when you achieve thegoal.
For most of us, we stop.
I'll give you an example, or acouple of examples.
(08:19):
Many people set goals like theywant to lose 20 pounds or they
want to run a marathon, but oncethey've achieved these goals,
they often stop the behaviorsthat led to their success.
This phenomenon is welldocumented in research.
Also, a study by Wilson andBrookfield found that
individuals who focus solely onthe goal of weight loss often
(08:39):
regain the weight they had lostonce the goal was achieved.
Another study showed thatmarathon runners frequently
struggled to maintain theirfitness and motivation after
completing their marathons.
Now don't get me wrong.
There are good aspects ofsetting specific goals.
It's important to acknowledgethat setting goals does have
positive aspects.
(08:59):
When it's done correctly, goalsetting can lead to numerous
benefits, such as increasedmotivation, improved performance
and higher achievement levels.
The problem comes when theoutcome becomes the goal in and
of itself.
James Clear in his book AtomicHabits and if you haven't read
it, I would highly recommend it.
(09:20):
It's probably one of my topfive of all time.
But he points out a better wayto approach this is to focus on
changing our identity, notspecific goals.
So what does this look like?
Well, instead of setting aspecific weight loss goal, like
I want to lose 20 pounds Idecide that my new identity is
to be a healthy person.
Instead of deciding I want tocomplete a marathon, I decide my
(09:43):
new identity is that I'm arunner.
Now, that makes a huge, hugedifference.
This changes the wholesuccess-failure paradigm.
So if I decide my new identityis as a runner, then all I have
to do is ask well, what dorunners do?
Well, they run, they eathealthy, they take care of
themselves, and sometimes theyalso run marathons.
(10:06):
But marathon is part of theprocess.
It's not an end in and ofitself.
So his suggestion is that youdon't have to be perfect.
When you start changing theidentity mindset, you start
enjoying the process becauseit's incremental and not all or
nothing.
So if I want to change myidentity to being a runner, all
(10:26):
I have to do on a daily basis atseveral decision points
throughout the day and again,this doesn't have to be all the
time, it's two or three times aday.
I just ask myself what wouldthe future version of me do at
this point?
Ask myself, what would thefuture version of me do at this
point?
Would I go eat a cheeseburger,would I have a salad?
Would I sit on the couch andwatch a movie, or would I do
(10:47):
something active?
See, the beauty is that I don'thave to be perfect, which gives
me a lot of reasons to beatmyself up if I fail.
Every day, all I have are thesesmall decision points, and
every time I choose somethingbased on the new identity, then
that's a vote for the future me.
And if I do this enough, bydefault I become that guy, even
(11:09):
if I'm only making one or two ofthese decisions a day.
So where do you start?
Well, I would first challengeyou to first figure out who is
that new person you want to be.
This might be might soundeasier than it actually is.
It could be a role model oreven a fictional character.
It doesn't really matter, aslong as you have a good sense of
who that person is, what theirvalues are and what kind of
(11:32):
decisions they would make.
So you can use that.
So I would say, as you go aboutyour day, remember this.
So I would say, as you go aboutyour day, remember this focus
on the next step, the next task,the next effort.
The process is the destination.
Trust that the outcomes willtake care of themselves.
Embrace the process and let ittransform you, one micro
(11:54):
decision at a time.
Again, we don't have to beperfect as we go through this
process and see.
That's where the realsustainable magic and happiness
can exist.
The storms, the trials, theheartaches, the disappointments
are all part of the processthat's going to make you bigger,
faster, stronger, smarter, justlike the guy pushing the rock.
(12:15):
Unfortunately, most of us areso focused on trying to avoid
the storms, the trials, theheartaches and the
disappointments, and if we tryto avoid those things, the
outcomes are never going to beas great as we ever hope.
Right?
Somebody once said we don'tbecome who we want to become.
We become what we do every day.
So don't start measuring yourvalue by successes.
(12:37):
Trust the process, not theoutcomes.
See, it's not your achievementsthat matter.
It's who you become in theprocess that matters.
It's about your identity, a newidentity, maybe a new
perspective.
So stop obsessing over outcomesand start embracing the process
, and I think if you do that,you'll find what's really truly
(12:59):
important in life.
I think if you do that, you'llfind what's really truly
important in life.
Thanks for checking us out onthe Unscripted Mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with someone
who might need it.
Also, please subscribe, followus and leave a review, and if
you have any questions or topicsyou'd like us to cover, please
include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script, so
(13:22):
embrace the unexpected, cherishthe unplanned, always stay
curious and have an amazing day.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted One.
Thank you.
How do you define success?
Money, followers on socialmedia, promotions at work, a
nice car, a new house, personalachievements, maybe successful
children?
But what if we were playing thewrong game but we just didn't
know it?
What if there was another wayto define winning, an easier way
(00:22):
to be happy and less stressed.
Stick around, that's the topicon this episode of the
Unscripted Mind.
Welcome to the Unscripted Mind,where our goal is to give you
fresh perspectives, practicalinsights and tools you can use
to give you more choices,increase your awareness and have
better control of your feelings, reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham, a licensedprofessional counselor and have
(00:43):
better control of your feelings,reactions and behaviors.
I'm Jim Cunningham, a licensedprofessional counselor, and
today I want to challenge thenotion of what success really
means.
Society, media, advertisements,other people all are trying to
define who we should be, what weshould be, what we should have,
(01:03):
and telling us how to be happy.
But what if this is the wronggame?
What if we're chasing the wrongthings?
What if we're actually makingthings worse instead of better?
Let me start by using the storyas an illustration.
Once upon a time, there was aman who was sleeping in his
cabin when suddenly, god wakeshim up and he tells him that he
(01:28):
has a job for him to do.
So he takes him outside and heshows him this very large rock
in front of his cabin.
And god explained to the manthat his job was to push on the
rock with all his might.
Well, this was a faithful man,so he did just as God asked.
Day after day, year after year,he toiled from sunup to sundown
(01:54):
, pushing with all his might,and every night the man returned
to his cabin sore and wore outfeeling like his whole day had
been wasted and that he was afailure.
Finally, one day, the man wasso discouraged, frustrated and
angry he called out to God andsaid I've worked hard and
faithfully every day, puttingall my strength into doing what
you've asked, but after all thistime, the rock hasn't even
budged.
This is ridiculous.
(02:16):
I've wasted so much time Tothis.
The Lord respondedcompassionately.
He said when I asked you toserve me and you accepted, I
told you that your task was topush against the rock with all
your strength, which you did,but never once did I mention to
you that I expected you to movethe rock.
(02:38):
Your task was just to push.
And now you've come to me.
Your energy is spent thinkingthat you failed.
But is that really true?
I mean, look at yourself yourarms, your back, your neck are
all strong and muscled.
Your hands are calloused fromconstant pressure and your legs
have become massive and strong.
Through opposition, you havegrown so much and your abilities
(03:02):
now surpass anything that youhad before, even though the rock
never moved.
See, I think this is the problemwe also have we get so tied to
outcomes.
We lose sight of the truevictories in life.
I think this story is apowerful reminder that our focus
should be on the process, notthe outcome.
(03:22):
When we become fixated on theend result, we often miss the
growth and the developmentthat's happening within us, in
fact, right in front of us.
The man in the story becamestronger, more resilient and
more faithful, even though hedidn't achieve the outcome he
thought he needed to, and hemissed the real, tangible
successives that were right infront of him.
(03:43):
There's a lot of research thatsupports this idea Studies that
show that focusing on immediatetasks and setting
process-oriented goals can leadto better performance and
greater satisfaction.
For example, one study foundthat individuals who set
learning goals which areprocess-oriented performed
(04:03):
better than those who setperformance goals which are
outcome-oriented than those whoset performance goals which are
outcome oriented.
Another study demonstrated thatfocusing on mastery goals,
which emphasizes the process oflearning and improving, leads to
higher intrinsic motivation andbetter long-term outcomes.
So I've talked about CarolDweck's research before.
I mentioned it in a previouspodcast called the Echo of Our
(04:26):
Words, but her researchillustrates that those who
embrace challenges and seeeffort as a path to mastery are
more likely to achieve successin the long run.
She explained that growthmindset encourages resilience
and persistence, helpingindividuals overcome obstacles
and continue progressing despitesetbacks.
(04:49):
If you remember the studies, shehad two groups one with a
growth mindset and one with afixed mindset.
The fixed mindset was focusedon the outcomes and in this case
it was about doing well on atest.
The growth mindsets were aboutalso taking a test, but looking
at it a little differently, inthat those people worked hard
for success, whereas the fixedmindset group was focused on the
(05:13):
outcomes because they werelabeled as smart.
And so what she found isthrough this research is that
those who were in the growthmindset process oriented enjoyed
the challenges.
They appreciated them.
Those that were in the fixedmindset did not appreciate the
challenges because it mightnegatively impact the outcome
(05:35):
which was their grade.
So the other problem focusingon outcomes is that it creates
stress and anxiety.
If you take care of the littlethings, the outcomes and the big
things will take care ofthemselves.
Let's the outcomes and the bigthings will take care of
themselves.
Let's consider a differentexample to illustrate this.
I want you to think ofbasketball.
You're at the foul line, timehas expired and you can win the
(06:03):
game if you simply make a freethrow.
Winning is the outcome you want.
But if you focus exclusively onthe winning, what will happen
if you miss?
Well, everybody's going to bedisappointed, you're going to
have failed, you will have lostthe game for the team,
everybody's going to be unhappyand you're going to look foolish
.
That's not what coaches teachyou to focus on.
When a player steps up to theline, the best advice is to
focus on the mechanics of theshot, not whether or not the
(06:26):
ball is going to go through thehoop.
The proper stance, the grip onthe ball, the fluid arm motion,
the follow through all thesemechanics need the player's full
attention and that's it.
And if you execute themechanics, the shot is going to
go in.
The rest will take care ofitself.
If you focus on the outcome,though, am I going to lose the
(06:48):
game for the team?
You're going to create so muchstress and anxiety you aren't
going to be able to function.
Your chances of making the shotgo way down.
It's the process that makes yousuccessful, not the outcome.
We think of all of ourprofessional sports heroes and
we see them winning Super Bowlsand world championships, and we
focus on just how they performedin that moment, but we forget
(07:10):
the process it took them and theyears of work it took them to
get there.
So the outcome is just theicing on the cake.
It's secondary.
The advice is the same forpeople who have test anxiety.
They worry about the grade theymight get instead of realizing
that if they only focus on thestudying, the grades are going
to take care of themselves andthey're going to have a whole
(07:31):
lot less stress and anxiety.
So focusing on the processrather than the outcome is also
beneficial, because goal settingcan be fraught with problems,
even when we successfullyachieve those goals.
So one problem with goals isthat they are binary you either
succeed or you fail.
Most of us fail, and we knowthis because we think of new
(07:55):
year's resolutions and how oftenwe have all these great ideas
only to not follow through.
So we set ourselves up forfailure, because it's a binary
construct and there's no middleground pass or fail.
The second problem with thesebinary type of goals is what
happens when you achieve thegoal.
For most of us, we stop.
I'll give you an example, or acouple of examples.
(08:19):
Many people set goals like theywant to lose 20 pounds or they
want to run a marathon, but oncethey've achieved these goals,
they often stop the behaviorsthat led to their success.
This phenomenon is welldocumented in research.
Also, a study by Wilson andBrookfield found that
individuals who focus solely onthe goal of weight loss often
(08:39):
regain the weight they had lostonce the goal was achieved.
Another study showed thatmarathon runners frequently
struggled to maintain theirfitness and motivation after
completing their marathons.
Now don't get me wrong.
There are good aspects ofsetting specific goals.
It's important to acknowledgethat setting goals does have
positive aspects.
(08:59):
When it's done correctly, goalsetting can lead to numerous
benefits, such as increasedmotivation, improved performance
and higher achievement levels.
The problem comes when theoutcome becomes the goal in and
of itself.
James Clear in his book AtomicHabits and if you haven't read
it, I would highly recommend it.
(09:20):
It's probably one of my topfive of all time.
But he points out a better wayto approach this is to focus on
changing our identity, notspecific goals.
So what does this look like?
Well, instead of setting aspecific weight loss goal, like
I want to lose 20 pounds Idecide that my new identity is
to be a healthy person.
Instead of deciding I want tocomplete a marathon, I decide my
(09:43):
new identity is that I'm arunner.
Now, that makes a huge, hugedifference.
This changes the wholesuccess-failure paradigm.
So if I decide my new identityis as a runner, then all I have
to do is ask well, what dorunners do?
Well, they run, they eathealthy, they take care of
themselves, and sometimes theyalso run marathons.
(10:06):
But marathon is part of theprocess.
It's not an end in and ofitself.
So his suggestion is that youdon't have to be perfect.
When you start changing theidentity mindset, you start
enjoying the process becauseit's incremental and not all or
nothing.
So if I want to change myidentity to being a runner, all
(10:26):
I have to do on a daily basis atseveral decision points
throughout the day and again,this doesn't have to be all the
time, it's two or three times aday.
I just ask myself what wouldthe future version of me do at
this point?
Ask myself, what would thefuture version of me do at this
point?
Would I go eat a cheeseburger,would I have a salad?
Would I sit on the couch andwatch a movie, or would I do
(10:47):
something active?
See, the beauty is that I don'thave to be perfect, which gives
me a lot of reasons to beatmyself up if I fail.
Every day, all I have are thesesmall decision points, and
every time I choose somethingbased on the new identity, then
that's a vote for the future me.
And if I do this enough, bydefault I become that guy, even
(11:09):
if I'm only making one or two ofthese decisions a day.
So where do you start?
Well, I would first challengeyou to first figure out who is
that new person you want to be.
This might be might soundeasier than it actually is.
It could be a role model oreven a fictional character.
It doesn't really matter, aslong as you have a good sense of
who that person is, what theirvalues are and what kind of
(11:32):
decisions they would make.
So you can use that.
So I would say, as you go aboutyour day, remember this.
So I would say, as you go aboutyour day, remember this focus
on the next step, the next task,the next effort.
The process is the destination.
Trust that the outcomes willtake care of themselves.
Embrace the process and let ittransform you, one micro
(11:54):
decision at a time.
Again, we don't have to beperfect as we go through this
process and see.
That's where the realsustainable magic and happiness
can exist.
The storms, the trials, theheartaches, the disappointments
are all part of the processthat's going to make you bigger,
faster, stronger, smarter, justlike the guy pushing the rock.
(12:15):
Unfortunately, most of us areso focused on trying to avoid
the storms, the trials, theheartaches and the
disappointments, and if we tryto avoid those things, the
outcomes are never going to beas great as we ever hope.
Right?
Somebody once said we don'tbecome who we want to become.
We become what we do every day.
So don't start measuring yourvalue by successes.
(12:37):
Trust the process, not theoutcomes.
See, it's not your achievementsthat matter.
It's who you become in theprocess that matters.
It's about your identity, a newidentity, maybe a new
perspective.
So stop obsessing over outcomesand start embracing the process
, and I think if you do that,you'll find what's really truly
(12:59):
important in life.
I think if you do that, you'llfind what's really truly
important in life.
Thanks for checking us out onthe Unscripted Mind today.
If you found this episodehelpful, share it with someone
who might need it.
Also, please subscribe, followus and leave a review, and if
you have any questions or topicsyou'd like us to cover, please
include that also.
Until next time, remember lifedoesn't come with a script, so
(13:22):
embrace the unexpected, cherishthe unplanned, always stay
curious and have an amazing day.
We'll see you next time on theUnscripted One.
Thank you.
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