September 15, 2025 • 24 mins
Breaking Free From Marriage Myths :: [Ep. 285]
This week, we again are tackling damaging marriage myths that can poison relationships. We will provide practical guidance for believers navigating difficult marriages and explain how God's power can transform even the most broken relationships.
We will talk about the following:
• The "I married the wrong person" myth often emerges during difficult seasons
• When does God's Word justify ending marriage
• The myth that "some marriages are beyond repair" underestimates God's power
• Trials in marriage can refine faith rather than destroy the relationship
• God offers strength, patience, and renewed love for those in difficult marriages
• Prayer changes marriages, but often not in the way or timeline we expect
• Practical guidance for healthy communication in marriage
We hope and pray you are encouraged and helped!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
Apple Podcast listener? Would you consider leaving us a review, as this helps more couple's to find our resources?! Leave your review HERE.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made Vows to Keep.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
You've probably heard it said that not forgiving
someone is like drinking apoison and hoping the other
person dies.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
The myth is that unforgiveness will make someone
else see their need to get rightwith you, but the truth is that
it probably won't, and it'sactually going to hurt you more
than it will them.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're going to be talking about
marriage myths and how you mightbe poisoning your own marriage
and not even realizing it.
We live over a massive cavesystem here in Ohio hundreds of
(00:56):
miles of underground caves.
It's full of an odorless andinvisible gas, according to the
EPA.
It doesn't really matter howsolid your home it is.
It doesn't matter how good yourbasement is.
It matters if you have radoncoming up through the foundation
and all of us around this areado and it can come through the
soil.
It can come through your wellwater and when you breathe it in
(01:18):
over time, what it does iscause lung cancer.
We used to live in South Dakota.
No one that I knew had evereven tested for radon.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I had never even heard of it until we moved here.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Yeah.
So now that we know of it, wetake precautions to protect
against it, and we have a radonfan in our house that sucks all
that out and disperses it intothe atmosphere, because I can't
actually see it.
I know it's in my house nowbecause I've watched for it.
I know the truth.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
And that's exactly what these marriage myths are.
We know they're there.
We might not realize, though,that they've become part of our
thinking.
We're sort of breathing them in, so to speak.
They're affecting our marriagesI know they've affected mine
and myths are lies, and liescome from one source.
They come from the father oflies.
That is our enemy, and theyalso can seep in through other
(02:09):
ways that he uses, like what I'mwatching on my iPad or what I'm
listening to from a friend.
They've seeped into thefoundation that we've tried to
build, david.
I don't want to be poisoned byradon, any more than I want our
marriage to be poisoned by theseuntruths or these myths, and
thankfully, god has given us afiltration system.
Last week, we started talkingabout myths.
(02:30):
Because there's so many of them, we had to make this a
multi-part series, and we begansifting them through God's word
to see what survived as truth.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So we talked about how it was a myth to believe
that marriage was here to makeus happy, that marriage takes
all the fun out of ourrelationship.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Thank goodness, that's a myth.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Exactly that marriage is an outdated institution.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
And we ended last week's broadcast talking about
the myth that I think all of ushave believed at one time or
another I married the wrongperson.
That's actually where we'regoing to start again today, so
we can flesh that out a littlebit more, because it can feel so
true that I married the wrongperson when things are caustic
or things are dead, and it canfeel true especially when I want
to be free from your sin, oryou want to be free from my sin,
(03:16):
free from the problems that ourspouse is creating for us.
Well, the truth is, you'remarried to the person that God
intends you to stay married toas long as you both shall live.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Last week we got a call from a listener who we'll
call Jane, from Virginia, andher and her husband were
fighting with this myth.
They were wrestling with thisactively.
The D word had been thrownaround, in fact, several times.
They had even loosely agreedupon what the terms that would
look like.
Times they had even looselyagreed upon what the terms that
would look like.
(03:48):
Now Jane found Vows to Keeponline and God really convicted
her heart that God really didn'tapprove, he wasn't going to
sign off on the death of theirmarriage.
Maybe their marriage wasn'twhere it needed to be.
That was true, and you mightfind yourself in that spot today
.
We want to speak to those ofyou that are really what I would
call the most susceptible tothat myth that I married the
(04:09):
wrong person, with a little bitof a warning, because where we
start out is believing a veryclosely related myth, and that
is as Christians.
You know, I can't fulfill mypurpose in life because of my
spouse.
They maybe aren't a Christianor they're such a weak Christian
they are holding me back.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
We've even had a few people try to I would say,
unsuccessfully back this up withscripture, because they see
some things in God's word thattalk about this, like in 2
Corinthians 6.14,.
God wants me to be married to abeliever or maybe you've
thought this I could accomplishso much more for God's kingdom
if my spouse was on board, andisn't that actually what God
(04:51):
would want?
Well, it actually is indeedwhat he would want.
So let's look at that passageright now.
The Apostle Paul is using thisas an example and he says don't
be yoked together withunbelievers.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Now yokes are not a common thing anymore, so I feel
like we should take just amoment and explain them.
So yokes are a harness of sortsthat enable two animals to
share a very heavy load.
So if you could picture thescene and, like the 1820s,
farmers would connect two oxtogether to pull a heavy load or
(05:23):
to pull a plow, I guess theyprobably did it in Jesus' time
as well.
So this is a good picture,because even in a really happy
marriage we're going to do a lotof really hard work together.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
The verse goes on to say don't be yoked, for what do
righteousness and wickednesshave in common with each other,
or what fellowship can lighthave with darkness?
God gives us this nugget oftruth because it's his ideal for
a husband and wife to be bondedtogether through salvation in
Jesus Christ, and when thathappens, you are a match pair
full of power.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
It's awesome.
Well, I want to change thatpicture, though, that we have in
our mind, from two ox andhooked in a yoke in a powerful
position, to an ox and a pig.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Oh, is one of us supposed to be a pig in this
scenario?
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, I mean it's easy to see that they're
differing heights and strengthsand abilities are going to make
this a very unproductive,probably unfair, partnering.
And if you're a believer who isyoked in a marriage with an
unbelieving spouse, you knowexactly what I'm talking about.
It can almost feel like you'reworking around in circles
pulling each other in oppositedirection, or maybe your pig is
just like sat down.
Pigs like to do that kind ofthing.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
And they're refusing to move at all.
The scripture is on point forpeople who are thinking about
getting married.
They are choosing a spouse, butthat's not really our question
today.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Yeah, what if a believer has knowingly married a
non-believer, or they weremarried as non-believers and one
of those spouses has come toknow the Lord?
That's really what we'rewrestling with.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Well, if that's the case, two things are certain.
First, the unequal yoke doesnot in any way, in any way set
aside the covenant of theirmarriage.
The Bible teaches that anunequal yoke in itself is not a
reason to break a marriage vow.
It says in 1 Corinthians 7, 12,and 13,.
If any brother has a wife who'snot a believer and she's
willing to live with him, she'swilling to stay in that marriage
(07:17):
, he must not divorce her.
And if a woman has a husbandwho is not a believer and he is
willing to stay, she must notdivorce him.
I love how clear God is in hisword about this.
It is not ambiguous at all.
Second, just as the ox and thepig, as David say, are able to
plow a straight line, If you'remarried to a non-believer, just
trying to like force them to gothe way you're going.
(07:39):
You know that that's nevergoing to succeed.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah, really in either direction.
They both are going to findthat and this is where we
actually meet a lot of couples.
One spouse comes reallyfrustrated because a life you
know, the way that they're goingabout it, the way they're
trying to live out forthemselves isn't working out.
I mean, sin has its results intheir lives.
The other spouse is frustratedwith their marriage because
(08:04):
their problems are stemming fromtheir spouse's sin, and usually
it's some mixture of both ofthis.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Absolutely, and I believe if you are a believer in
Jesus Christ, you probablyreally rightly desire for your
spouse to become a believer withyou.
You know you can like almostpicture it.
Our marriage would be so muchbetter.
If only my spouse would behappier too if they could
recognize their sin and see theneed for a savior.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
And then we see firsthand the fallout that comes
.
We see consequences and how itaffects not only us inside of
our marriage but our kids andthe people that are all around
us, and when we try to help themand they reject us, it can feel
really defeating.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
It can make you just want to stop, but there's
freedom.
I believe in God's word.
Actions speak louder than anywords you could possibly ever
say to your spouse.
I want to encourage you today,if this is the position you're
in, whether your spouse is not astrong believer or not a
Christian, you have such greatdirective from God's word to be
(09:06):
obedient.
As you follow God's word, youfulfill your God-given role, you
speak life, you forgive, youchoose love and joy and peace
and patience All those thingsthat sound so easy but we know
are not.
God, in fact, is going to dothe rest.
He's going to fill in all thegaps and you can even be at
peace.
I believe in this, even in atough situation, as you trust
(09:30):
the Lord, because he is so muchmore powerful than anything I
could ever do or say in David'slife.
He wants to work in and throughyou.
Let him do that.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
The other day, as we were speaking with this wife who
was walking in this veryscenario, she basically came to
realize.
You know what?
I can't tell my husband's storyof how he came to know the Lord
.
In fact, although we've beengoing to church, I don't
actually know if he's saved.
It was such an awesome momentfor us to start to discuss what
that meant, for what her missionwas, because when your spouse
(09:59):
isn't saved, you know yournumber one mission you need to
evangelize to your spouse.
You don't want to leave theirfuture to chance.
God has given you to each otherto be one flesh, and that means
that you're in this very primespot to allow God to use you to
be his hands and feet in theirlives.
So if you're a Christianmarried to an unbelieving spouse
(10:21):
, you're not without help.
This is hard.
I know that the Biblehighlights, though, that this is
our most important mission.
In Ephesians 5, it says forthis reason, a man will leave
his father and mother and beunited to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh.
This is a profound mystery, butI'm talking about Christ and
the church.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I think that's why Paul could speak of the husband
and wife sanctifying, makingholy one another.
He says in 1 Corinthians 7,where we just were a minute ago,
for the unbelieving husband hasbeen sanctified through his
wife and the unbelieving wifehas been sanctified through her
husband.
In other words, you can stoptrying to change your spouse.
Yay, you've probablyexperienced this.
(11:03):
You know that it only causesstrife when you're trying to get
them to go your way, but youcan lead them to Christ through
your example.
It might take much longer thanyou actually want it, but I've
seen it happen in people's livesand it is amazing when it does
and how this is lived out justin practicality, in like the
kitchen is treating them withkindness when they've just
(11:26):
treated you with disrespect.
You can be calm and notcomplain.
When things don't go asexpected, which is every single
day of our lives, you can askfor forgiveness when you've
wronged them.
You can model Christ's love tothem.
You can shine such a brightlight.
I know David's shined thisbright light in my life
countless, countless times.
Today you can start believingthat God can work on your
(11:49):
spouse's heart through you, butmuch more by your attitude and
your actions than by your actualwords.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
In fact, God may actually prefer to do this work
without your words.
In 1 Peter, chapter 3, it sayswives in the same way, be
submissive to your husbands sothat if any of them do not
believe the word, that they maybe won over by the words and by
the behavior of their wives whenthey see the purity and
reverence of your lives.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You need to be prepared to let Christ in you
administer a love which willbring you and your spouse into a
more holy union, and that's aGod-ordained position for your
marriage to be.
I spoke with a husband aboutthis subject recently and he was
convinced he was in a veryhopeless position.
But God had not actually lefthim hopeless.
(12:49):
There was a direction that hecould take, and it was through
this conversation that he hadreally a light bulb moment.
For husbands, this means givingyourself to your wife in a very
selfless devotion, alwaysbuilding oneness, and this is
not the same thing, I mightpoint out, as trying to always
(13:09):
build peace, because there'sgoing to be a lot of topics that
are actually divisive that awise husband, a loving husband,
a devoted husband would takehead on.
This is exactly what Christsays with the church, and when
we see that analogy in Ephesians5, where it says Husbands, love
your wives, as Christ loved thechurch and gave himself up for
her, in the same way husbandsought to love their wives as
(13:32):
their own body.
He who loves his wife loveshimself.
After all, no one ever hatedhis body, but he feeds and cares
for it, and that's what we needto do for our wives.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
And for wives.
I think, just practicallyspeaking, just like David gave
some practical advice forhusbands is that we can draw so
close to the Lord that we've gotthis overflow in our heart
that's going to spill out ontoour spouse.
Got this overflow in our heartthat's going to spill out onto
our spouse.
Understanding God's love,understanding his character, is
going to compel you to lean intoyour spouse when your natural
(14:03):
reaction would be to pull awayfrom them, and that shows so
much of the gospel to them.
Even without saying anything,it honestly takes God himself,
the Holy Spirit himself, toconvince people to change.
We can't force it.
So you can release your spousetoday to God and allow the Holy
Spirit to work.
Your responsibility is to be afaithful witness, not just
(14:25):
sharing the truth, but livingthis passionate love for your
spouse, not because they deserveit, but because God has loved
you.
Your very own king has calledyou to be his daughter.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
So if you feel that you're called to live a life on
purpose for the Lord and youfeel like your marriage is
actually holding you back,you're believing a myth, you're
believing a lie.
Right there within the mess ofyour marriage is right where God
wants you to live for him.
And when your spouse is givingyou the cold shoulder or
belittling you and you startdoing the exact opposite of what
(14:59):
they know you'd like to do,when grace and mercy are smack
dab in the middle of theconflict.
That's how we live out God'sperfect will, which is loving
others as he has loved you.
The only way to remove yourselffrom your marriage is a divorce
.
And here's the truth aboutdivorce from God's word.
God hates divorce and, accordingto Matthew 19, he never demands
(15:21):
it, he only allows it.
We work with couples all thetime that are in this very
situation.
The biggest testimony of God'slove is when you don't walk away
, even when, by all rights, it'swarranted.
The truth is, divorce is notGod's plan for your marriage.
Jesus says in Matthew 19, whatGod has joined together, let no
(15:43):
one separate, and that includesyou.
Ask God for the faith to see itthrough.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
So, as we look at this next myth today here on
Vows to Keep Radio, I want toask you who do you know that
their marriage is just inshambles right now?
Who do you know whose marriagefoundation is really crumbling
because of some infidelity orslander or hatred and lots and
lots of hurt?
Well, here's the myth that wecan fall prey to when we see a
marriage that looks like that.
(16:11):
Some marriages are just beyondrepair.
They can't be fixed.
Maybe the lie you've believedis that your marriage can't be
fixed and you're seeking out thedetails of divorce right now.
Or maybe separation, divorcecan be seen and it has been
portrayed as an opportunity tostart over just clean slate, you
(16:32):
know and that can look reallyalluring.
When there's all kinds of hurt,we would just like to wash away
.
We might even wish divorce forsomeone so that they can have a
fresh start.
But, like David, just read fromGod's word.
That is not his plan.
But the scary thing is we canconvince ourselves of pretty
much anything.
We can go back to the myth thatGod wouldn't want me to be
stuck in misery.
(16:52):
We tell ourselves divorce isthe only option.
So if that's where you're atright now, I want to challenge
you with a question how big isyour God?
Is he big enough to cover yoursins?
Have you gone to the cross formercy and you've received that?
Is the God you believe in, thesame one described in Isaiah 40?
Let me read part of thischapter to you, as it describes
(17:12):
God.
Who else has held the ocean inhis hands?
Who has measured off theheavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight ofthe earth and has weighed the
mountains and hills on a scale?
Look up to the heavens.
Who created all of these stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another.
He calls each by name and,because of his great power and
incomparable strength, not oneof them is missing.
(17:34):
That's the God we're talkingabout right now.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
He's the God who made everything and who has
everything in control, that sameGod who offered us a savior I
was grateful to accept.
So if you're writing off yourmarriage as beyond hope and
you're kind of saying, I'm notsure that you're actually
capable God, maybe you're notpowerful enough to help, then
maybe he doesn't care and heisn't as kind and compassionate
(17:59):
like we thought he was.
You're forgetting, though, thathe is that compassionate God
for your broken spouse, and youmight be the way that he would
work in your spouse's life.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
It's that refiner's fire that the Bible talks about,
that these trials.
1 Peter 1 said they're going toshow that your faith is genuine
and you might be tested as firepurifies gold, and in that your
faith is going to come out moreprecious than ever.
When your faith remains strongthrough many trials.
1 Peter 1 says it's going tobring much praise and glory and
(18:34):
honor on the day when JesusChrist is revealed to the whole
world.
God is not surprised by amarriage that is in shambles.
He doesn't turn away from thebrokenness and say you're too
far gone.
Thank goodness, because if hedid that, he'd probably tell us
the exact same thing in our sin.
Isaiah 40 continues by sayinghow can you say the Lord doesn't
see your troubles?
How can you say God ignoresyour rights?
(18:56):
Haven't you heard, haven't youunderstood that?
The Lord, god, the everlastingGod, the creator of the whole
earth, he never grows weary orweak.
No one can measure the depthsof his understanding.
He gives power to the weak andstrength to the powerless.
Even young people are going tobecome weak and tired.
God's word says they're goingto fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord, they're going to find new
(19:19):
strength.
They will soar high on wingslike eagles.
They will run and not growweary.
They will walk and not faint.
God is offering you what youare lacking in your own strength
.
He's going to give you thestrength and patience to not
just be in a difficult marriage,but actually to thrive in it.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
That's so powerful.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
He is more than able to give you a deep love for your
spouse again, even a passionfor a spouse that's rebellious
against God and you feel likeyou're paying the consequence
for that.
You can ask for God's help anddraw from those resources.
Stop looking for ways to runand see yourself as a tool in
God's hands that's going tobring healing to your spouse.
(19:58):
God will act on your behalfwhen you call out to him.
Let's read from Psalm 18, david.
It says the ropes of death werealmost wrapped around me.
A destroying flood swept overme.
The ropes of the grave weretied around me.
Death set its trap in front ofme.
Wow, I love the honesty of thispsalm.
He's writing it like it is, andyou can too.
(20:21):
You can stay exactly whereyou're at, because God already
knows everything you're going tosay before you say it.
Be humble enough to say it outloud though.
God, I need help here.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
That Psalm continues in verse six.
When I was in trouble, I calledout to the Lord, which is
exactly what you're saying.
I cried to my God.
Is that your response when itseems like the flood of life,
the flood of your marriage, isjust washing over you?
Do you believe that you will beheard?
Do you believe that God is bigenough to heal your marriage?
(20:51):
Maybe not as fast as you'd likeit to be, but is he that
powerful that he could?
If you're still skeptical, thenlisten to what God does in the
response to this that we findhere in God's word.
It says from his temple heheard my voice, my cry for help
reached his ears and he reacheddown from heaven.
He brought me out into a wideand safe place.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
God responds to prayer.
It's as simple as that.
With him on his mission, youare not weak, he offers all he
is for everything you're goingthrough right now.
And then we can say with thepsalmist you are not weak, he
offers all he is for everythingyou're going through right now.
And then we can say with thepsalmist you're my God, like
he's saying you answered me, youdid bring light into my
darkness, your strong hand iswhat kept me going and your help
has made me great.
(21:35):
The help might not come in theform that you think it will.
We don't serve a grocery list,god.
I think it's perfectly great, infact, to pray for really
specific things, things that arefrom God's word, that are good,
that he would want.
Like Lord, help my husband tobe a leader for our family.
That's a great prayer to pray,asking God to show your husband
(21:56):
that his ways are best, askingfor your husband's heart to be
softened towards your children.
Yes, pray for those things andmore.
But in my experience, god wantsus to come less concerned with
our list of demands of how we'dlike things to be and our
complaints of how things aren't,and to come more with his
agenda in mind.
Our heart wide open, humble andteachable and moldable.
(22:17):
I'm talking about your heartbeing humble and teachable and
moldable as you pray for yourhusband.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
It's a position of surrender and humility where God
can do amazing things that wenever thought were possible.
He can help us be completelyhumble and gentle.
We read in Ephesians 4, god canhelp us to make every effort to
keep the unity of the spiritthrough the bond of peace, to
speak truth and love we find inverse 15, to put off falsehood
(22:44):
and speak truth to your neighbor, to not use foul or abusive
language, letting everythingthat we say be good and helpful,
so that your words will be anencouragement to those who hear
them.
And then, finally, in verse 31and 32, ephesians 4, to get rid
of that bitterness, to get ridof the rage.
For to get rid of thatbitterness, to get rid of the
(23:06):
rage, to get rid of the anger,the slander, all these kinds of
evil, it says instead being kindand tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, just as God,through Christ, has forgiven you
.
The God who raised Jesus fromthe dead is more than able to
give you a deep love again foryour husband or for your wife.
He can resurrect even thedeadest of marriages, and we
have seen it.
(23:27):
He can mend the most broken ofhearts and breathe hope and life
into a relationship that youand everyone you know was ready
to write off.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
When I hear people tell me their real-life story of
a resurrected marriage that'snow thriving.
It's a reminder of God's lovefor me, and I think it will be
for you too as you walk throughthis, not just hanging on to
your marriage, hoping thatsomeday it gets better, but in
the midst of it, giving yourbest to God, giving your whole
heart to God and your best toyour spouse.
If you're doing that right now,thank you, keep going.
(24:00):
That's our encouragement to youtoday to believe the truth, to
surround yourself with it, tofill your life with truth, to
get so close to God that yourspouse won't be able to resist
the love of God that's beingpoured out through you to them.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Have a desire to servemarriages in your community?
We would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities but would
like to help support Vows toKeep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made Vows to Keep.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
You've probably heard it said that not forgiving
someone is like drinking apoison and hoping the other
person dies.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
The myth is that unforgiveness will make someone
else see their need to get rightwith you, but the truth is that
it probably won't, and it'sactually going to hurt you more
than it will them.
Today, on Vows to Keep Radio,we're going to be talking about
marriage myths and how you mightbe poisoning your own marriage
and not even realizing it.
We live over a massive cavesystem here in Ohio hundreds of
(00:56):
miles of underground caves.
It's full of an odorless andinvisible gas, according to the
EPA.
It doesn't really matter howsolid your home it is.
It doesn't matter how good yourbasement is.
It matters if you have radoncoming up through the foundation
and all of us around this areado and it can come through the
soil.
It can come through your wellwater and when you breathe it in
(01:18):
over time, what it does iscause lung cancer.
We used to live in South Dakota.
No one that I knew had evereven tested for radon.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I had never even heard of it until we moved here.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Yeah.
So now that we know of it, wetake precautions to protect
against it, and we have a radonfan in our house that sucks all
that out and disperses it intothe atmosphere, because I can't
actually see it.
I know it's in my house nowbecause I've watched for it.
I know the truth.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
And that's exactly what these marriage myths are.
We know they're there.
We might not realize, though,that they've become part of our
thinking.
We're sort of breathing them in, so to speak.
They're affecting our marriagesI know they've affected mine
and myths are lies, and liescome from one source.
They come from the father oflies.
That is our enemy, and theyalso can seep in through other
(02:09):
ways that he uses, like what I'mwatching on my iPad or what I'm
listening to from a friend.
They've seeped into thefoundation that we've tried to
build, david.
I don't want to be poisoned byradon, any more than I want our
marriage to be poisoned by theseuntruths or these myths, and
thankfully, god has given us afiltration system.
Last week, we started talkingabout myths.
(02:30):
Because there's so many of them, we had to make this a
multi-part series, and we begansifting them through God's word
to see what survived as truth.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
So we talked about how it was a myth to believe
that marriage was here to makeus happy, that marriage takes
all the fun out of ourrelationship.
Speaker 3 (02:47):
Thank goodness, that's a myth.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Exactly that marriage is an outdated institution.
Speaker 3 (02:55):
And we ended last week's broadcast talking about
the myth that I think all of ushave believed at one time or
another I married the wrongperson.
That's actually where we'regoing to start again today, so
we can flesh that out a littlebit more, because it can feel so
true that I married the wrongperson when things are caustic
or things are dead, and it canfeel true especially when I want
to be free from your sin, oryou want to be free from my sin,
(03:16):
free from the problems that ourspouse is creating for us.
Well, the truth is, you'remarried to the person that God
intends you to stay married toas long as you both shall live.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Last week we got a call from a listener who we'll
call Jane, from Virginia, andher and her husband were
fighting with this myth.
They were wrestling with thisactively.
The D word had been thrownaround, in fact, several times.
They had even loosely agreedupon what the terms that would
look like.
Times they had even looselyagreed upon what the terms that
would look like.
(03:48):
Now Jane found Vows to Keeponline and God really convicted
her heart that God really didn'tapprove, he wasn't going to
sign off on the death of theirmarriage.
Maybe their marriage wasn'twhere it needed to be.
That was true, and you mightfind yourself in that spot today
.
We want to speak to those ofyou that are really what I would
call the most susceptible tothat myth that I married the
(04:09):
wrong person, with a little bitof a warning, because where we
start out is believing a veryclosely related myth, and that
is as Christians.
You know, I can't fulfill mypurpose in life because of my
spouse.
They maybe aren't a Christianor they're such a weak Christian
they are holding me back.
Speaker 3 (04:28):
We've even had a few people try to I would say,
unsuccessfully back this up withscripture, because they see
some things in God's word thattalk about this, like in 2
Corinthians 6.14,.
God wants me to be married to abeliever or maybe you've
thought this I could accomplishso much more for God's kingdom
if my spouse was on board, andisn't that actually what God
(04:51):
would want?
Well, it actually is indeedwhat he would want.
So let's look at that passageright now.
The Apostle Paul is using thisas an example and he says don't
be yoked together withunbelievers.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Now yokes are not a common thing anymore, so I feel
like we should take just amoment and explain them.
So yokes are a harness of sortsthat enable two animals to
share a very heavy load.
So if you could picture thescene and, like the 1820s,
farmers would connect two oxtogether to pull a heavy load or
(05:23):
to pull a plow, I guess theyprobably did it in Jesus' time
as well.
So this is a good picture,because even in a really happy
marriage we're going to do a lotof really hard work together.
Speaker 3 (05:34):
The verse goes on to say don't be yoked, for what do
righteousness and wickednesshave in common with each other,
or what fellowship can lighthave with darkness?
God gives us this nugget oftruth because it's his ideal for
a husband and wife to be bondedtogether through salvation in
Jesus Christ, and when thathappens, you are a match pair
full of power.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
It's awesome.
Well, I want to change thatpicture, though, that we have in
our mind, from two ox andhooked in a yoke in a powerful
position, to an ox and a pig.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
Oh, is one of us supposed to be a pig in this
scenario?
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Yeah, I mean it's easy to see that they're
differing heights and strengthsand abilities are going to make
this a very unproductive,probably unfair, partnering.
And if you're a believer who isyoked in a marriage with an
unbelieving spouse, you knowexactly what I'm talking about.
It can almost feel like you'reworking around in circles
pulling each other in oppositedirection, or maybe your pig is
just like sat down.
Pigs like to do that kind ofthing.
Speaker 3 (06:40):
And they're refusing to move at all.
The scripture is on point forpeople who are thinking about
getting married.
They are choosing a spouse, butthat's not really our question
today.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Yeah, what if a believer has knowingly married a
non-believer, or they weremarried as non-believers and one
of those spouses has come toknow the Lord?
That's really what we'rewrestling with.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Well, if that's the case, two things are certain.
First, the unequal yoke doesnot in any way, in any way set
aside the covenant of theirmarriage.
The Bible teaches that anunequal yoke in itself is not a
reason to break a marriage vow.
It says in 1 Corinthians 7, 12,and 13,.
If any brother has a wife who'snot a believer and she's
willing to live with him, she'swilling to stay in that marriage
(07:17):
, he must not divorce her.
And if a woman has a husbandwho is not a believer and he is
willing to stay, she must notdivorce him.
I love how clear God is in hisword about this.
It is not ambiguous at all.
Second, just as the ox and thepig, as David say, are able to
plow a straight line, If you'remarried to a non-believer, just
trying to like force them to gothe way you're going.
(07:39):
You know that that's nevergoing to succeed.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Yeah, really in either direction.
They both are going to findthat and this is where we
actually meet a lot of couples.
One spouse comes reallyfrustrated because a life you
know, the way that they're goingabout it, the way they're
trying to live out forthemselves isn't working out.
I mean, sin has its results intheir lives.
The other spouse is frustratedwith their marriage because
(08:04):
their problems are stemming fromtheir spouse's sin, and usually
it's some mixture of both ofthis.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
Absolutely, and I believe if you are a believer in
Jesus Christ, you probablyreally rightly desire for your
spouse to become a believer withyou.
You know you can like almostpicture it.
Our marriage would be so muchbetter.
If only my spouse would behappier too if they could
recognize their sin and see theneed for a savior.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
And then we see firsthand the fallout that comes
.
We see consequences and how itaffects not only us inside of
our marriage but our kids andthe people that are all around
us, and when we try to help themand they reject us, it can feel
really defeating.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
It can make you just want to stop, but there's
freedom.
I believe in God's word.
Actions speak louder than anywords you could possibly ever
say to your spouse.
I want to encourage you today,if this is the position you're
in, whether your spouse is not astrong believer or not a
Christian, you have such greatdirective from God's word to be
(09:06):
obedient.
As you follow God's word, youfulfill your God-given role, you
speak life, you forgive, youchoose love and joy and peace
and patience All those thingsthat sound so easy but we know
are not.
God, in fact, is going to dothe rest.
He's going to fill in all thegaps and you can even be at
peace.
I believe in this, even in atough situation, as you trust
(09:30):
the Lord, because he is so muchmore powerful than anything I
could ever do or say in David'slife.
He wants to work in and throughyou.
Let him do that.
Speaker 2 (09:36):
The other day, as we were speaking with this wife who
was walking in this veryscenario, she basically came to
realize.
You know what?
I can't tell my husband's storyof how he came to know the Lord
.
In fact, although we've beengoing to church, I don't
actually know if he's saved.
It was such an awesome momentfor us to start to discuss what
that meant, for what her missionwas, because when your spouse
(09:59):
isn't saved, you know yournumber one mission you need to
evangelize to your spouse.
You don't want to leave theirfuture to chance.
God has given you to each otherto be one flesh, and that means
that you're in this very primespot to allow God to use you to
be his hands and feet in theirlives.
So if you're a Christianmarried to an unbelieving spouse
(10:21):
, you're not without help.
This is hard.
I know that the Biblehighlights, though, that this is
our most important mission.
In Ephesians 5, it says forthis reason, a man will leave
his father and mother and beunited to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh.
This is a profound mystery, butI'm talking about Christ and
the church.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
I think that's why Paul could speak of the husband
and wife sanctifying, makingholy one another.
He says in 1 Corinthians 7,where we just were a minute ago,
for the unbelieving husband hasbeen sanctified through his
wife and the unbelieving wifehas been sanctified through her
husband.
In other words, you can stoptrying to change your spouse.
Yay, you've probablyexperienced this.
(11:03):
You know that it only causesstrife when you're trying to get
them to go your way, but youcan lead them to Christ through
your example.
It might take much longer thanyou actually want it, but I've
seen it happen in people's livesand it is amazing when it does
and how this is lived out justin practicality, in like the
kitchen is treating them withkindness when they've just
(11:26):
treated you with disrespect.
You can be calm and notcomplain.
When things don't go asexpected, which is every single
day of our lives, you can askfor forgiveness when you've
wronged them.
You can model Christ's love tothem.
You can shine such a brightlight.
I know David's shined thisbright light in my life
countless, countless times.
Today you can start believingthat God can work on your
(11:49):
spouse's heart through you, butmuch more by your attitude and
your actions than by your actualwords.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
In fact, God may actually prefer to do this work
without your words.
In 1 Peter, chapter 3, it sayswives in the same way, be
submissive to your husbands sothat if any of them do not
believe the word, that they maybe won over by the words and by
the behavior of their wives whenthey see the purity and
reverence of your lives.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vowstokeepcom.
Vows to Keep will respond toyou via email and perhaps use it
on the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows to KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You need to be prepared to let Christ in you
administer a love which willbring you and your spouse into a
more holy union, and that's aGod-ordained position for your
marriage to be.
I spoke with a husband aboutthis subject recently and he was
convinced he was in a veryhopeless position.
But God had not actually lefthim hopeless.
(12:49):
There was a direction that hecould take, and it was through
this conversation that he hadreally a light bulb moment.
For husbands, this means givingyourself to your wife in a very
selfless devotion, alwaysbuilding oneness, and this is
not the same thing, I mightpoint out, as trying to always
(13:09):
build peace, because there'sgoing to be a lot of topics that
are actually divisive that awise husband, a loving husband,
a devoted husband would takehead on.
This is exactly what Christsays with the church, and when
we see that analogy in Ephesians5, where it says Husbands, love
your wives, as Christ loved thechurch and gave himself up for
her, in the same way husbandsought to love their wives as
(13:32):
their own body.
He who loves his wife loveshimself.
After all, no one ever hatedhis body, but he feeds and cares
for it, and that's what we needto do for our wives.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
And for wives.
I think, just practicallyspeaking, just like David gave
some practical advice forhusbands is that we can draw so
close to the Lord that we've gotthis overflow in our heart
that's going to spill out ontoour spouse.
Got this overflow in our heartthat's going to spill out onto
our spouse.
Understanding God's love,understanding his character, is
going to compel you to lean intoyour spouse when your natural
(14:03):
reaction would be to pull awayfrom them, and that shows so
much of the gospel to them.
Even without saying anything,it honestly takes God himself,
the Holy Spirit himself, toconvince people to change.
We can't force it.
So you can release your spousetoday to God and allow the Holy
Spirit to work.
Your responsibility is to be afaithful witness, not just
(14:25):
sharing the truth, but livingthis passionate love for your
spouse, not because they deserveit, but because God has loved
you.
Your very own king has calledyou to be his daughter.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
So if you feel that you're called to live a life on
purpose for the Lord and youfeel like your marriage is
actually holding you back,you're believing a myth, you're
believing a lie.
Right there within the mess ofyour marriage is right where God
wants you to live for him.
And when your spouse is givingyou the cold shoulder or
belittling you and you startdoing the exact opposite of what
(14:59):
they know you'd like to do,when grace and mercy are smack
dab in the middle of theconflict.
That's how we live out God'sperfect will, which is loving
others as he has loved you.
The only way to remove yourselffrom your marriage is a divorce
.
And here's the truth aboutdivorce from God's word.
God hates divorce and, accordingto Matthew 19, he never demands
(15:21):
it, he only allows it.
We work with couples all thetime that are in this very
situation.
The biggest testimony of God'slove is when you don't walk away
, even when, by all rights, it'swarranted.
The truth is, divorce is notGod's plan for your marriage.
Jesus says in Matthew 19, whatGod has joined together, let no
(15:43):
one separate, and that includesyou.
Ask God for the faith to see itthrough.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
So, as we look at this next myth today here on
Vows to Keep Radio, I want toask you who do you know that
their marriage is just inshambles right now?
Who do you know whose marriagefoundation is really crumbling
because of some infidelity orslander or hatred and lots and
lots of hurt?
Well, here's the myth that wecan fall prey to when we see a
marriage that looks like that.
(16:11):
Some marriages are just beyondrepair.
They can't be fixed.
Maybe the lie you've believedis that your marriage can't be
fixed and you're seeking out thedetails of divorce right now.
Or maybe separation, divorcecan be seen and it has been
portrayed as an opportunity tostart over just clean slate, you
(16:32):
know and that can look reallyalluring.
When there's all kinds of hurt,we would just like to wash away
.
We might even wish divorce forsomeone so that they can have a
fresh start.
But, like David, just read fromGod's word.
That is not his plan.
But the scary thing is we canconvince ourselves of pretty
much anything.
We can go back to the myth thatGod wouldn't want me to be
stuck in misery.
(16:52):
We tell ourselves divorce isthe only option.
So if that's where you're atright now, I want to challenge
you with a question how big isyour God?
Is he big enough to cover yoursins?
Have you gone to the cross formercy and you've received that?
Is the God you believe in, thesame one described in Isaiah 40?
Let me read part of thischapter to you, as it describes
(17:12):
God.
Who else has held the ocean inhis hands?
Who has measured off theheavens with his fingers?
Who else knows the weight ofthe earth and has weighed the
mountains and hills on a scale?
Look up to the heavens.
Who created all of these stars?
He brings them out like an army, one after another.
He calls each by name and,because of his great power and
incomparable strength, not oneof them is missing.
(17:34):
That's the God we're talkingabout right now.
Speaker 2 (17:36):
He's the God who made everything and who has
everything in control, that sameGod who offered us a savior I
was grateful to accept.
So if you're writing off yourmarriage as beyond hope and
you're kind of saying, I'm notsure that you're actually
capable God, maybe you're notpowerful enough to help, then
maybe he doesn't care and heisn't as kind and compassionate
(17:59):
like we thought he was.
You're forgetting, though, thathe is that compassionate God
for your broken spouse, and youmight be the way that he would
work in your spouse's life.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
It's that refiner's fire that the Bible talks about,
that these trials.
1 Peter 1 said they're going toshow that your faith is genuine
and you might be tested as firepurifies gold, and in that your
faith is going to come out moreprecious than ever.
When your faith remains strongthrough many trials.
1 Peter 1 says it's going tobring much praise and glory and
(18:34):
honor on the day when JesusChrist is revealed to the whole
world.
God is not surprised by amarriage that is in shambles.
He doesn't turn away from thebrokenness and say you're too
far gone.
Thank goodness, because if hedid that, he'd probably tell us
the exact same thing in our sin.
Isaiah 40 continues by sayinghow can you say the Lord doesn't
see your troubles?
How can you say God ignoresyour rights?
(18:56):
Haven't you heard, haven't youunderstood that?
The Lord, god, the everlastingGod, the creator of the whole
earth, he never grows weary orweak.
No one can measure the depthsof his understanding.
He gives power to the weak andstrength to the powerless.
Even young people are going tobecome weak and tired.
God's word says they're goingto fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord, they're going to find new
(19:19):
strength.
They will soar high on wingslike eagles.
They will run and not growweary.
They will walk and not faint.
God is offering you what youare lacking in your own strength
.
He's going to give you thestrength and patience to not
just be in a difficult marriage,but actually to thrive in it.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
That's so powerful.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
He is more than able to give you a deep love for your
spouse again, even a passionfor a spouse that's rebellious
against God and you feel likeyou're paying the consequence
for that.
You can ask for God's help anddraw from those resources.
Stop looking for ways to runand see yourself as a tool in
God's hands that's going tobring healing to your spouse.
(19:58):
God will act on your behalfwhen you call out to him.
Let's read from Psalm 18, david.
It says the ropes of death werealmost wrapped around me.
A destroying flood swept overme.
The ropes of the grave weretied around me.
Death set its trap in front ofme.
Wow, I love the honesty of thispsalm.
He's writing it like it is, andyou can too.
(20:21):
You can stay exactly whereyou're at, because God already
knows everything you're going tosay before you say it.
Be humble enough to say it outloud though.
God, I need help here.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
That Psalm continues in verse six.
When I was in trouble, I calledout to the Lord, which is
exactly what you're saying.
I cried to my God.
Is that your response when itseems like the flood of life,
the flood of your marriage, isjust washing over you?
Do you believe that you will beheard?
Do you believe that God is bigenough to heal your marriage?
(20:51):
Maybe not as fast as you'd likeit to be, but is he that
powerful that he could?
If you're still skeptical, thenlisten to what God does in the
response to this that we findhere in God's word.
It says from his temple heheard my voice, my cry for help
reached his ears and he reacheddown from heaven.
He brought me out into a wideand safe place.
Speaker 3 (21:14):
God responds to prayer.
It's as simple as that.
With him on his mission, youare not weak, he offers all he
is for everything you're goingthrough right now.
And then we can say with thepsalmist you are not weak, he
offers all he is for everythingyou're going through right now.
And then we can say with thepsalmist you're my God, like
he's saying you answered me, youdid bring light into my
darkness, your strong hand iswhat kept me going and your help
has made me great.
(21:35):
The help might not come in theform that you think it will.
We don't serve a grocery list,god.
I think it's perfectly great, infact, to pray for really
specific things, things that arefrom God's word, that are good,
that he would want.
Like Lord, help my husband tobe a leader for our family.
That's a great prayer to pray,asking God to show your husband
(21:56):
that his ways are best, askingfor your husband's heart to be
softened towards your children.
Yes, pray for those things andmore.
But in my experience, god wantsus to come less concerned with
our list of demands of how we'dlike things to be and our
complaints of how things aren't,and to come more with his
agenda in mind.
Our heart wide open, humble andteachable and moldable.
(22:17):
I'm talking about your heartbeing humble and teachable and
moldable as you pray for yourhusband.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
It's a position of surrender and humility where God
can do amazing things that wenever thought were possible.
He can help us be completelyhumble and gentle.
We read in Ephesians 4, god canhelp us to make every effort to
keep the unity of the spiritthrough the bond of peace, to
speak truth and love we find inverse 15, to put off falsehood
(22:44):
and speak truth to your neighbor, to not use foul or abusive
language, letting everythingthat we say be good and helpful,
so that your words will be anencouragement to those who hear
them.
And then, finally, in verse 31and 32, ephesians 4, to get rid
of that bitterness, to get ridof the rage.
For to get rid of thatbitterness, to get rid of the
(23:06):
rage, to get rid of the anger,the slander, all these kinds of
evil, it says instead being kindand tenderhearted, forgiving
one another, just as God,through Christ, has forgiven you
.
The God who raised Jesus fromthe dead is more than able to
give you a deep love again foryour husband or for your wife.
He can resurrect even thedeadest of marriages, and we
have seen it.
(23:27):
He can mend the most broken ofhearts and breathe hope and life
into a relationship that youand everyone you know was ready
to write off.
Speaker 3 (23:36):
When I hear people tell me their real-life story of
a resurrected marriage that'snow thriving.
It's a reminder of God's lovefor me, and I think it will be
for you too as you walk throughthis, not just hanging on to
your marriage, hoping thatsomeday it gets better, but in
the midst of it, giving yourbest to God, giving your whole
heart to God and your best toyour spouse.
If you're doing that right now,thank you, keep going.
(24:00):
That's our encouragement to youtoday to believe the truth, to
surround yourself with it, tofill your life with truth, to
get so close to God that yourspouse won't be able to resist
the love of God that's beingpoured out through you to them.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Have a desire to servemarriages in your community?
We would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities but would
like to help support Vows toKeep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
No-transcript.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.