August 11, 2025 • 24 mins
Breaking Free from Toxic Self-Talk :: [Ep. 281]
This week, we are exploring how silent, judgmental thoughts about our husbands can slowly poison our marriages, revealing the destructive power of "he always" and "he never" generalizations.
We are talking about the following:
• The hidden danger of carrying on mental conversations with our spouses while trying to maintain normal interactions
• How seemingly innocent thoughts become toxic generalizations
• Self-righteousness prevents us from seeing God's work in our spouse's heart
• Three practical steps to transform toxic thoughts
• The importance of not letting the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26)
• How to become an agent of mercy and grace in your husband's life
Come listen and be encouraged on how to better build a biblically healthy marriage!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
(00:24):
Designed for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Do you ever have a conversation with yourself in
your head about your husbandmentally berating him for
something that he isn't doingright?
When he just doesn't get it, doyou silently call him names.
What a fool, what a jerk, whatan idiot.
If we're not careful, we canfind ourselves keeping score in
our marriage and pretty soon thelist of our husband's
shortcomings becomes a constantweight that we carry around.
(00:50):
Now I don't want to admit it,but this is me.
Sometimes I let thoughts likethese linger without
understanding They've gotprofound consequences.
Until recently, I hadn'tconsidered that silent judgment
could be slowly sabotaging mymarriage.
The he always thoughts and thehe never thoughts make me
cynical and judgmental.
He always interrupts, he alwayshas a comeback, he always
(01:12):
thinks he's so righteous.
He never compliments me, henever helps me, he never listens
, he never picks up afterhimself.
Join me today on Vows to KeepRadio as we continue in the
series.
Your Self-Talk About yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
We'll unpack where thoughtslike these come from, why we
have them, what to dodifferently so that we can have
(01:32):
healthy hearts and minds towardsour husbands.
You haven't traveled too fardown this road to turn around.
It is possible.
How?
Find out in today's episode ofVows to Keep Radio, the show
where you get sound biblicalcounsel that you can apply
immediately to your marriage.
I'm your host, traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, davidand I are biblical marriage
(01:53):
counselors.
We're authors, teachers,podcast hosts, radio hosts and
conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
First Corinthians 2.16 makes astrong statement.
It says we have the mind ofChrist Really Like.
If all the thoughts I've hadover the last week were recorded
(02:14):
and I was just able to see themat a glance, I might not think
that statement is quite so true.
I don't know about you, but mythoughts vacillate from godly to
sinful, to fearful, to hopeful,to judgmental to kind within
the scope of an hour in the day.
I can be doing so good where noone else can see.
You know what I mean.
My thoughts are in the safezone, so to speak.
(02:35):
I walk out of the bedroom inthe morning.
I'm wearing my best intentionsbut given the perfect storm of
frustrations, fatigue andfeeling overwhelmed and I can
mentally tank quicker than theTitanic, and that's just when
I'm alone Add in other peopleand all of their sin, their
distractions, their kinks andquirks, especially those close
to me like my kids and myhusband, and my thoughts can
(02:57):
turn ugly with the snap of afinger Annoyances, unmet
expectation and a family that'slate again, or the stairs are
piggy piled with everyone'sstuff again, or I realize it's
530 and no one but me is goingto lift a finger to put dinner
on the table, and bam, it's MrsNasty, but not necessarily out
loud.
I can do a pretty good job ofkeeping my thoughts inside, or
(03:20):
at least I think I do, untilsomeone asks hey, why are you so
crabby?
Or I spill something, or I hurtmy finger, or some other
trigger happens and all of asudden it all comes spilling out
.
The problem of our rampantthoughts is more serious than I
think we give it credit for.
Could my thoughts really beruining my marriage?
Well, the bottom line is thatI'm carrying on a conversation
(03:40):
with my husband in my head and,at the same time, I'm trying to
maintain the status quo in ourconversations, in our
interactions together.
And, trust me, this is a recipefor disaster, and it starts so
insidiously that we may not evenrealize it's becoming a
repeated habit.
That's how it was with me.
We tend to lump our spouse'sshortcomings into categories,
(04:01):
and here are the two biggestones I want to talk about today.
He always and he never.
We generalize whatever he doesthat has even a hint of
unfairness, and we tellourselves this is the way he is
about everything.
When I polled my friends andasked what thoughts they had
about their husbands, this iswhat they said.
He always interrupts, he alwayshas a comeback, he never helps
(04:23):
me, he never listens.
It feels so good to dwell onthese kinds of thoughts.
They follow us into the nextroom as we walk away from the
fight.
They validate our feelings whenour toes have been stepped on
For days after the initialinciting incident when the
thoughts entered our minds, wewear them like something that
we've earned.
Most of the time, the root ofthese thoughts is something
(04:45):
that's been long standingbetween the two of you.
An example is probably poppinginto your mind right now, an
issue you've been around themountain on, at least in your
thoughts, for years, and it'sstarting to wear on you.
My example is a little hard forme to say out loud, and if I
asked you to share yours, youmight say yours is hard to share
as well.
So let me start by saying thatmy family is a car family.
(05:06):
I mean like total car nuts.
Since we've been married, we'verestored and sold over 100 cars
.
This is how David grew up.
He had a dad who had his ownmachine shop and they spent
countless hours in that shoptogether.
David learned everything thereis to know about engines,
interiors, paint jobs,everything.
He's taken that knowledge andexperience and it's been great
for our family over the years,because we've not only had a ton
(05:28):
of fun with these classic carsas a family, we also do late
model cars that are wrecked andwe repair them.
So, guess what?
We don't have any car payments.
We also have been able to useit to pay off debt and David's
teaching our three teenagers howto do their own work so that
they can stay out of debt andrepair their own vehicles over
the course of their life.
One of the awesome things aboutDavid teaching our kids is that
(05:48):
they have tons of shoulder toshoulder time in the garage
together.
Have you ever noticed that youcan talk to your kids about hard
and awkward topics when you'reworking on something side by
side better than you can ifyou're face to face.
That's just how it is, andDavid is a rock star dad.
He's using this time to mentorand disciple our kids and I'm so
grateful.
(06:09):
Now you probably hear a buckcoming, and there is one for me.
It started with canoes, of allthings, with Thou's to Keep.
We've done lots of fun coupledates over the years and one of
those is a canoe date.
We've done several and I'vereally come to love that
two-hour canoe ride with justDavid and I.
We take our kids sometimes andit is just so much fun no cell
(06:29):
phones, there's no to-do list,just cool, clear water and time
to connect.
Well, about three years ago Iwas ready again for another one
of these canoe trips with thefamily.
Summer was coming on and I wasjust itching to get out.
You know how that is.
But that year summer came andwent without any canoe trips.
We were building in addition toour garage and we had a lot of
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car projects going on thatsummer and I do mean a lot.
In fact I stopped keeping track.
Our kids were at an age wherethey were needing wheels of
their own and David wanted tohelp them not only learn those
repairs but also to make somemoney to help pay for college,
not only learn those repairs,but also to make some money to
help pay for college.
I was frustrated, but afterasking a few times you know what
I just let it go.
Now, here we are, three summerslater, and still no canoe trip.
(07:16):
Now, to be fair, we've done allkinds of other fun things as a
family.
We've had hundreds of hours ofconnection and you know what?
I really don't have anything tohave regret over, but still in
the back of my mind there'sthese always and these never
thoughts that creep in.
I remind myself that not toomany years ago, when it was
Thursday or Friday, we made ahabit to ask each other hey,
what do you want to do thisweekend?
Now the conversation has sortof morphed into what are you
(07:37):
doing this Saturday?
It's not much of a word change,but it does have a complete
meaning change.
And I find myself saying in myhead he never asked me what I
want to do this weekend.
Now, please understand that myhusband doesn't always have car
projects.
It's not like he never asked mewhat I want to do on a weekend.
In fact, just last Saturday heasked and we had an all day date
(07:58):
with such a special timetogether.
But that's really where theproblem lies, isn't it?
These, always, these neverstatements that I'm repeating to
myself are not 100% true, butwhen I noticed them replaying in
my mind, that's a giant clue tome that either bitterness or
resentment has brewed longenough in my heart that now I'm
in unforgiveness territory.
(08:19):
When I cover all the weekendsof our life with one blanket
statement that isn't actuallytrue, it's clear that my heart
has made up its mind thatthere's an injustice happening.
Think of it this way A hurtfrom three years ago is clouding
my judgment and my assessmentof my husband and actually
putting me in judgment of him.
Last week, we talked about thesethoughts.
(08:39):
He just doesn't understand me,he doesn't see me, he doesn't
get me.
Nothing will ever change.
He'll never change.
I should just get used to it.
There's no point.
If you missed that, find whatyou need.
At VowsToKeepcom, we talkedabout what's at the root of
thoughts like these and we didsomething really cool that we're
going to do again today.
We'll connect the dots betweenour judgmental thoughts and who
(09:00):
God is, specifically Hisattributes and His names.
Last week, we studied whatHagar called God when she felt
cast away and misunderstood.
She said you are El Roy, to me,you are the God who sees me.
When we're feeling invisibleand invaluable to our husbands,
god sees, he understands, hewants to draw us close to him.
When we just want to give up,we don't see there's any hope
(09:22):
because nothing will ever change.
We can hide ourselves in ourrock, el Sali, the God of our
strength.
We can remind ourselves of whatGod has done for us, not what
our spouse hasn't.
The goal here in this broadcast,the goal here in this series,
is to make a heart and thereforea thought shift.
When our minds are tearing downour relationship, we need to
(09:43):
set them on truth, the truth ofwho God is, because he can help
us have the mind of Christ.
We can banish these thoughtsthat have become so habitual to
us and start making new habits,replacing them with thoughts
that build our marriage and nottear it down.
So stick with me today as welook briefly at the story of
Jonah in the Old Testament.
This is going to be reallyrelevant for us.
Jonah's story is short, withsweet and sour mixed in.
(10:04):
Jonah called God El Chanun, thegracious God, near the end of
the book, in chapter four, butit really wasn't a compliment.
He felt that God was beingunfair and he was pretty upset
about what God chose to do withNineveh.
Let me give you a littlebackstory.
Jonah was a prophet and he wassent to speak God's word to
people who needed them, justlike you and I are in our
(10:25):
spouse's life to speak God'struth to them.
God saw a city in misery,nineveh.
They were in the misery oftheir own sin and he had
compassion on them.
Nineveh was entrenched in evil.
Nineveh, they were in themisery of their own sin and he
had compassion on them.
Nineveh was entrenched in eviland God wanted to use Jonah to
bring them up out of the pit.
But Jonah, I think, had a fewnevers, and a few always about
Nineveh, never mind that therewere 120,000 people about to be
(10:48):
destroyed if they didn't repent.
Jonah had a bone to pick withthem and with God.
Basically, he was playing judgeGod.
Really, nineveh Like have youseen what they do?
They don't deserve to be saved.
By the way, I do.
They always disobey you.
They never repent.
Jonah has the stupidestargument with God I think that
anyone can have.
(11:08):
God saw that the city had turnedand repented of their evil ways
, and he relented and didn'tbring on them the destruction
that he had threatened.
He was showing Nineveh mercy.
Mercy is not getting what wedeserve and Jonah is just
incensed about this turn ofevents.
He doesn't think they deserveto be let off the hook.
And Jonah 4 says but to Jonahthis seemed very wrong and he
(11:29):
became angry.
He prayed to the Lord.
Isn't this what I said, lord,when I was still at home?
That's why I tried to forestallby fleeing to Tarshish.
I knew that you are a graciousand compassionate God.
Here he calls him.
You are El Chanun, slow toanger, abounding in love, a God
who relents from sendingcalamity.
Now, lord, take away my life,for it is better for me to die
(11:50):
than to live.
But the Lord replied is itright for you to be angry?
We feel that same indignationwhen our husband asked for
affection, but in our mind he'sjust not coming up to snuff.
We feel the same unfairnessthat Jonah did when our husband
hasn't been pulling his weight,he hasn't been earning his keep
around the house.
Your husband might notappreciate all you've done for
him.
Your husband might even go sofar as to create real injustices
(12:13):
for you, and yet God still iscalling you to be a loving
helpmate to them.
He's calling you to be aconstant encourager, a source of
the truth that your hubby needsto hear, even on his worst day.
There are two reasons, I think,why Jonah would be mad at God
that he would show grace andcompassion to Nineveh.
Remember, mercy is not gettingwhat we do deserve and grace is
(12:35):
getting the blessings that wedon't deserve.
God wants to give both toNineveh.
God wants to give both to yourhusband, but Jonah's not happy
about this.
And number one, I think it'sbecause of his own
self-righteousness.
When we think we're better thanour husband, we would naturally
be angry that we would have toshow them grace and compassion
and mercy.
Self-righteousness does not makefor a no judgment zone in our
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home.
Just the opposite.
Keeping score on hisperformance, especially when
compared to our own, is a recipefor division.
If we're in judgment on hisevery move, his every decision,
his every word, we're going toput everything he does under the
umbrella of he just doesn'tcare, or he always and he never.
Maybe this is how Jonah felt.
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Nineveh didn't give a rip andthey just did what they wanted,
with no thought to theconsequences.
Their actions prove that theyweren't worthy of love.
Well, at least to Jonah.
The second reason I think Jonahwas angry are the same emotions
that we feel when we think healways thinks he's so right,
he's so self-righteous, which,in our minds, means we've
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determined that he's wrong andhe's using a cover up to get
away with it.
There may be things under thesurface, though, that we aren't
seeing.
We should want God to beworking in our husband's heart.
We should want God to becalling out to them, drawing
them close, making them morelike him, but we miss this
precious opportunity to be ahuge part of that when we make
judgments about hisself-righteousness, all the
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while wallowing in our ownself-righteousness.
Yes, it is quite ironic.
There's something reallyinteresting about this wicked
city that I don't want us tomiss today.
It may seem small, but this isa big lesson.
When Jonah finally obeyed Godand went to share this message
of salvation with them, theydidn't throw him out of the city
, they didn't laugh at him.
Chapter 3, verse 5, says thatthey believed God.
(14:22):
God's mercy and grace shownthrough us, spoken through us to
our husbands, especially whenit's least deserved, can be more
impactful than we ever realize.
God's mercy and grace lived outthrough you to your husband may
be exactly what he needs totake his next step spiritually.
So what's the first thing thatcomes to mind when I say he
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always and he never?
These thoughts are notinnocuous.
Your thoughts about yourhusband, whether they're shared
out loud or not, always haveimpact.
They either poison or theyplant.
We're going to get more intothat in part three of this
series, but let's talk aboutjudgment and keeping score for
just a second, because thosecause us to be spiteful and they
cause us to be malicious.
(15:05):
We want harm to come to themrather than God's grace to be
showered on them.
Seeing our spouse, though,through God's eyes of mercy and
grace, causes us to be able tokeep in step with the Spirit,
like God's word talks about, andthe result of that is going to
be really obvious, not only inour thoughts, but in our words
and our attitude love and joy,and peace and patience, and so
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on.
Ephesians 4 is somewhere that Iturn to often for how to be in
relationships, especially onesthat are hard, the way that God
intended.
If we put the principles sharedhere into practice, they're
going to become, or they'regoing to change, the heart and
culture of our home.
Listen to Ephesians 4, 31 and32.
It says let all bitterness andwrath and anger and clamor and
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slander be put away from you,along with all malice.
Be kind to one another,tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, as God in Christforgave you.
Bitterness is a poison.
It eats at the fabric of ourmarriage and it stems from the
belief that our husband isn'tworthy of fill in the blank with
your own noun.
(16:07):
Our husband isn't worthy oflove, grace, mercy, forgiveness,
kindness, respect.
Bitterness is the opposite ofthe heart of God for our husband
.
God longs to give your husbandthe things you are withholding
from them.
Hebrews 12 says that we shouldstrive for peace with everyone
and we should see to it that noroot of bitterness springs up
(16:29):
and causes trouble and causesmany to become defiled.
Your own belief in thisattribute of God, his mercy and
grace for your own heart andlife is going to change your
thoughts towards your husband.
A correct view of God and whathe thinks of you is going to be
a spade long enough to dig outthat root of bitterness and
enable you to forgive.
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The story of Jonah doesn't endwith him believing what he needs
to.
There's not really a happyending here.
He's still holding on to theprejudice against Nineveh.
He's convinced he knows thebest outcome.
But El Chinun, the gracious God, longs to take your prejudice
and my prejudice and myprejudgment against my spouse
and use it to teach me how hefeels about me.
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Is the grace and mercy gettingwhat you don't deserve and not
getting what you do deserve thatyou and I have received from
God really so inconsequentialthat we refuse to see our spouse
as anything but a foregoneconclusion, an inevitable result
?
Will you stand your ground andsay that you already know with
certainty how your husband willrespond, if you love them with
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God's love?
There are three things I want toclose with today as you seek to
eradicate these thoughts andreplace them with the truth of
who God is.
Number one forgive.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to write down allyour he always and all your he
nevers.
I want you to say he always andthen fill in the blank as many
times as that takes he never.
And fill in the blank as manytimes as that takes he never.
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And fill in the blank as manytimes as that takes.
I want you to see them in blackand white and then I want you
to go to the Lord in prayer Ifyou're generalizing something,
there's most likelyunforgiveness there and then ask
your spouse to forgive you forjudging them.
Let them know instead.
Hey, I'm on your team and I'mgoing to lean into you with
grace and mercy every time.
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Number two celebrate thevictories.
This one's going to be a littletricky because you don't want
to get into scorekeepingterritory again, but do give
praise when it's due andencouragement when it isn't.
The power of our words shouldnot be underestimated.
Jonah's words turn the heartsof 120,000 people to God.
So find out what encouragesyour husband the most and you
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know what it may not be withwords and celebrate the
victories.
And number three if you findyourself swinging on that
pendulum of just trying to keepyour thoughts all in order one
minute and lashing out the next,remember it's always a matter
of your heart.
James 3, starting in verse 9,helps us understand this
paradigm.
It says with the tongue wepraise our Lord and Father and
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with it we curse human beingswho have been made in God's
likeness.
Out of the same mouth comepraising and cursing.
Can both fresh water and saltwater flow from the same spring,
my brothers and sisters?
Can a fig tree bear olives or agrapevine bear figs.
Neither can a salt springproduce fresh water.
It says, my brothers andsisters, this should not be so.
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You don't need to have a talkwith your husband about where he
needs to change.
You need to have a talk withGod about you.
When your heart is right beforeGod on what's bugging you, it's
going to change what you think,what you say and what you do.
When something crops up and youfind yourself laying awake at
night rehearsing that lastconversation in your head, it's
time to take care of the issue.
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Don't let a root of bitternessspring up between you and cause
division.
Psalm 4, 4 says tremble and donot sin In your anger.
Do not sin when you're on yourbeds.
Search your hearts and besilent.
The anger referred to here, Ithink, is not one where you're
just raging at your husband,wanting him to change, wanting
him to treat you better.
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This is the silent, slow burnthat keeps you up at night.
The rage of a hurt heart can bemute for long periods of time,
but it can be oh so destructiveto your marriage.
It's usually when we're alone,when we replay the words, that
hurt us.
The infuriation of not beingunderstood, the indignation of
his self-righteousness.
When he's breathing heavilybeside you and the house is
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quiet for the night, that's whenour thoughts can run rampant.
We eventually drop off to sleep, but in the morning nothing has
changed.
Our incense towards him is onlygreater because of our
meditation of his misdeeds.
Ephesians 4 says be angry and donot sin.
Do not let the sun go down onyour anger.
Let's put that into practice.
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Come before God and get right.
Then, if needed, wake yourhusband up.
It is better to lose an hour ofsleep in conversation that's
going to unite you than to layawake stewing something that's
only going to cause harm.
This is something we're goingto have to stay current on.
This is not a one-time thing.
So get some alone time with Godtoday.
Get serious before him aboutyour heart.
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Our natural tendency, like Jonah, is to assume guilt rather than
give grace.
Like God does.
El Chinun, you've been calledto be an agent of mercy and
grace in your husband's life,despite how he always or he
never.
The people of Nineveh needed toknow that God was for them.
Jonah's message repent now andGod will not destroy.
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You told them that.
So what is the message thatyour husband needs to hear.
What specific things does heneed to receive from you that
you've been withholding thatreally in your mind he doesn't
deserve?
What specific thing have youbeen trying to make him pay for,
and how would God use you thisweek to bless him?
Remember, fresh and salt watercan't come from the same well,
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forgive.
Don't put a blanket judgment onhim and draw from the God of
mercy and grace who longs topour into your husband's heart
using you.
I want to end by reading Psalm103 in the message version.
God is sheer mercy and grace,not easily angered.
He's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag andscold, nor hold grudges forever.
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He doesn't treat us as our sinsdeserve, nor pay us back in
full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over theearth, so strong is his love to
those who fear him.
As parents feel for theirchildren, god feels for those
who fear him.
He knows us inside out, keepsin mind that we are made of mud.
God's love is ever and always,eternally present to all who
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fear him, making everythingright for them and their
children as they follow hiscovenant ways and remember to do
whatever he said.
We're going to continue thisseries next time on Vows to Keep
Radio, how yourself talk aboutyour husband could be ruining
your relationship.
We'll talk about the thoughtsthat enter your mind.
Like he's not doing it the wayI asked him to.
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He's never going to get itright, so I'll just have to deal
with it.
Why doesn't he just fill in theblank?
And why am I the only one whoever does this?
In the meantime, I want to giveyou a great resource that you
can print and stick in yourBible.
You can take a picture of itwith your phone and have it at
your fingertips anytime.
You need A resource that's goingto help you identify these
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toxic thoughts that you'rehaving about your husband, the
ones that are tearing yourrelationship down, and how we
can replace them with thesenames of God, these attributes
of God that show us how to livewithin this marriage
relationship.
When I first started to putthis topic together, I reached
out on social media and saidthis is what I am personally
(23:29):
going through right now.
Can you relate?
So many women said this is whatI'm personally going through
right now.
Can you relate?
So many women said this is me.
Would you create a resource forus that we can have as we go
through this Bible study withyou, tracy, here on Vows to Keep
Radio, we would love to have aresource in our hands.
If you desire to have thisresource in your hands so you
can refer to it often and changeyour thinking about your
husband and replace it withbiblical truth, email us
(23:52):
resource at vows to keep dot com.
Again, resource at vows to keepdot com and we'll send that
right over to you.
Can't wait to continue theconversation next week here on
vows to keep radio.
How yourself talk about yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
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(24:34):
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No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
(00:24):
Designed for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Do you ever have a conversation with yourself in
your head about your husbandmentally berating him for
something that he isn't doingright?
When he just doesn't get it, doyou silently call him names.
What a fool, what a jerk, whatan idiot.
If we're not careful, we canfind ourselves keeping score in
our marriage and pretty soon thelist of our husband's
shortcomings becomes a constantweight that we carry around.
(00:50):
Now I don't want to admit it,but this is me.
Sometimes I let thoughts likethese linger without
understanding They've gotprofound consequences.
Until recently, I hadn'tconsidered that silent judgment
could be slowly sabotaging mymarriage.
The he always thoughts and thehe never thoughts make me
cynical and judgmental.
He always interrupts, he alwayshas a comeback, he always
(01:12):
thinks he's so righteous.
He never compliments me, henever helps me, he never listens
, he never picks up afterhimself.
Join me today on Vows to KeepRadio as we continue in the
series.
Your Self-Talk About yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
We'll unpack where thoughtslike these come from, why we
have them, what to dodifferently so that we can have
(01:32):
healthy hearts and minds towardsour husbands.
You haven't traveled too fardown this road to turn around.
It is possible.
How?
Find out in today's episode ofVows to Keep Radio, the show
where you get sound biblicalcounsel that you can apply
immediately to your marriage.
I'm your host, traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, davidand I are biblical marriage
(01:53):
counselors.
We're authors, teachers,podcast hosts, radio hosts and
conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
First Corinthians 2.16 makes astrong statement.
It says we have the mind ofChrist Really Like.
If all the thoughts I've hadover the last week were recorded
(02:14):
and I was just able to see themat a glance, I might not think
that statement is quite so true.
I don't know about you, but mythoughts vacillate from godly to
sinful, to fearful, to hopeful,to judgmental to kind within
the scope of an hour in the day.
I can be doing so good where noone else can see.
You know what I mean.
My thoughts are in the safezone, so to speak.
(02:35):
I walk out of the bedroom inthe morning.
I'm wearing my best intentionsbut given the perfect storm of
frustrations, fatigue andfeeling overwhelmed and I can
mentally tank quicker than theTitanic, and that's just when
I'm alone Add in other peopleand all of their sin, their
distractions, their kinks andquirks, especially those close
to me like my kids and myhusband, and my thoughts can
(02:57):
turn ugly with the snap of afinger Annoyances, unmet
expectation and a family that'slate again, or the stairs are
piggy piled with everyone'sstuff again, or I realize it's
530 and no one but me is goingto lift a finger to put dinner
on the table, and bam, it's MrsNasty, but not necessarily out
loud.
I can do a pretty good job ofkeeping my thoughts inside, or
(03:20):
at least I think I do, untilsomeone asks hey, why are you so
crabby?
Or I spill something, or I hurtmy finger, or some other
trigger happens and all of asudden it all comes spilling out
.
The problem of our rampantthoughts is more serious than I
think we give it credit for.
Could my thoughts really beruining my marriage?
Well, the bottom line is thatI'm carrying on a conversation
(03:40):
with my husband in my head and,at the same time, I'm trying to
maintain the status quo in ourconversations, in our
interactions together.
And, trust me, this is a recipefor disaster, and it starts so
insidiously that we may not evenrealize it's becoming a
repeated habit.
That's how it was with me.
We tend to lump our spouse'sshortcomings into categories,
(04:01):
and here are the two biggestones I want to talk about today.
He always and he never.
We generalize whatever he doesthat has even a hint of
unfairness, and we tellourselves this is the way he is
about everything.
When I polled my friends andasked what thoughts they had
about their husbands, this iswhat they said.
He always interrupts, he alwayshas a comeback, he never helps
(04:23):
me, he never listens.
It feels so good to dwell onthese kinds of thoughts.
They follow us into the nextroom as we walk away from the
fight.
They validate our feelings whenour toes have been stepped on
For days after the initialinciting incident when the
thoughts entered our minds, wewear them like something that
we've earned.
Most of the time, the root ofthese thoughts is something
(04:45):
that's been long standingbetween the two of you.
An example is probably poppinginto your mind right now, an
issue you've been around themountain on, at least in your
thoughts, for years, and it'sstarting to wear on you.
My example is a little hard forme to say out loud, and if I
asked you to share yours, youmight say yours is hard to share
as well.
So let me start by saying thatmy family is a car family.
(05:06):
I mean like total car nuts.
Since we've been married, we'verestored and sold over 100 cars
.
This is how David grew up.
He had a dad who had his ownmachine shop and they spent
countless hours in that shoptogether.
David learned everything thereis to know about engines,
interiors, paint jobs,everything.
He's taken that knowledge andexperience and it's been great
for our family over the years,because we've not only had a ton
(05:28):
of fun with these classic carsas a family, we also do late
model cars that are wrecked andwe repair them.
So, guess what?
We don't have any car payments.
We also have been able to useit to pay off debt and David's
teaching our three teenagers howto do their own work so that
they can stay out of debt andrepair their own vehicles over
the course of their life.
One of the awesome things aboutDavid teaching our kids is that
(05:48):
they have tons of shoulder toshoulder time in the garage
together.
Have you ever noticed that youcan talk to your kids about hard
and awkward topics when you'reworking on something side by
side better than you can ifyou're face to face.
That's just how it is, andDavid is a rock star dad.
He's using this time to mentorand disciple our kids and I'm so
grateful.
(06:09):
Now you probably hear a buckcoming, and there is one for me.
It started with canoes, of allthings, with Thou's to Keep.
We've done lots of fun coupledates over the years and one of
those is a canoe date.
We've done several and I'vereally come to love that
two-hour canoe ride with justDavid and I.
We take our kids sometimes andit is just so much fun no cell
(06:29):
phones, there's no to-do list,just cool, clear water and time
to connect.
Well, about three years ago Iwas ready again for another one
of these canoe trips with thefamily.
Summer was coming on and I wasjust itching to get out.
You know how that is.
But that year summer came andwent without any canoe trips.
We were building in addition toour garage and we had a lot of
(06:50):
car projects going on thatsummer and I do mean a lot.
In fact I stopped keeping track.
Our kids were at an age wherethey were needing wheels of
their own and David wanted tohelp them not only learn those
repairs but also to make somemoney to help pay for college,
not only learn those repairs,but also to make some money to
help pay for college.
I was frustrated, but afterasking a few times you know what
I just let it go.
Now, here we are, three summerslater, and still no canoe trip.
(07:16):
Now, to be fair, we've done allkinds of other fun things as a
family.
We've had hundreds of hours ofconnection and you know what?
I really don't have anything tohave regret over, but still in
the back of my mind there'sthese always and these never
thoughts that creep in.
I remind myself that not toomany years ago, when it was
Thursday or Friday, we made ahabit to ask each other hey,
what do you want to do thisweekend?
Now the conversation has sortof morphed into what are you
(07:37):
doing this Saturday?
It's not much of a word change,but it does have a complete
meaning change.
And I find myself saying in myhead he never asked me what I
want to do this weekend.
Now, please understand that myhusband doesn't always have car
projects.
It's not like he never asked mewhat I want to do on a weekend.
In fact, just last Saturday heasked and we had an all day date
(07:58):
with such a special timetogether.
But that's really where theproblem lies, isn't it?
These, always, these neverstatements that I'm repeating to
myself are not 100% true, butwhen I noticed them replaying in
my mind, that's a giant clue tome that either bitterness or
resentment has brewed longenough in my heart that now I'm
in unforgiveness territory.
(08:19):
When I cover all the weekendsof our life with one blanket
statement that isn't actuallytrue, it's clear that my heart
has made up its mind thatthere's an injustice happening.
Think of it this way A hurtfrom three years ago is clouding
my judgment and my assessmentof my husband and actually
putting me in judgment of him.
Last week, we talked about thesethoughts.
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He just doesn't understand me,he doesn't see me, he doesn't
get me.
Nothing will ever change.
He'll never change.
I should just get used to it.
There's no point.
If you missed that, find whatyou need.
At VowsToKeepcom, we talkedabout what's at the root of
thoughts like these and we didsomething really cool that we're
going to do again today.
We'll connect the dots betweenour judgmental thoughts and who
(09:00):
God is, specifically Hisattributes and His names.
Last week, we studied whatHagar called God when she felt
cast away and misunderstood.
She said you are El Roy, to me,you are the God who sees me.
When we're feeling invisibleand invaluable to our husbands,
god sees, he understands, hewants to draw us close to him.
When we just want to give up,we don't see there's any hope
(09:22):
because nothing will ever change.
We can hide ourselves in ourrock, el Sali, the God of our
strength.
We can remind ourselves of whatGod has done for us, not what
our spouse hasn't.
The goal here in this broadcast,the goal here in this series,
is to make a heart and thereforea thought shift.
When our minds are tearing downour relationship, we need to
(09:43):
set them on truth, the truth ofwho God is, because he can help
us have the mind of Christ.
We can banish these thoughtsthat have become so habitual to
us and start making new habits,replacing them with thoughts
that build our marriage and nottear it down.
So stick with me today as welook briefly at the story of
Jonah in the Old Testament.
This is going to be reallyrelevant for us.
Jonah's story is short, withsweet and sour mixed in.
(10:04):
Jonah called God El Chanun, thegracious God, near the end of
the book, in chapter four, butit really wasn't a compliment.
He felt that God was beingunfair and he was pretty upset
about what God chose to do withNineveh.
Let me give you a littlebackstory.
Jonah was a prophet and he wassent to speak God's word to
people who needed them, justlike you and I are in our
(10:25):
spouse's life to speak God'struth to them.
God saw a city in misery,nineveh.
They were in the misery oftheir own sin and he had
compassion on them.
Nineveh was entrenched in evil.
Nineveh, they were in themisery of their own sin and he
had compassion on them.
Nineveh was entrenched in eviland God wanted to use Jonah to
bring them up out of the pit.
But Jonah, I think, had a fewnevers, and a few always about
Nineveh, never mind that therewere 120,000 people about to be
(10:48):
destroyed if they didn't repent.
Jonah had a bone to pick withthem and with God.
Basically, he was playing judgeGod.
Really, nineveh Like have youseen what they do?
They don't deserve to be saved.
By the way, I do.
They always disobey you.
They never repent.
Jonah has the stupidestargument with God I think that
anyone can have.
(11:08):
God saw that the city had turnedand repented of their evil ways
, and he relented and didn'tbring on them the destruction
that he had threatened.
He was showing Nineveh mercy.
Mercy is not getting what wedeserve and Jonah is just
incensed about this turn ofevents.
He doesn't think they deserveto be let off the hook.
And Jonah 4 says but to Jonahthis seemed very wrong and he
(11:29):
became angry.
He prayed to the Lord.
Isn't this what I said, lord,when I was still at home?
That's why I tried to forestallby fleeing to Tarshish.
I knew that you are a graciousand compassionate God.
Here he calls him.
You are El Chanun, slow toanger, abounding in love, a God
who relents from sendingcalamity.
Now, lord, take away my life,for it is better for me to die
(11:50):
than to live.
But the Lord replied is itright for you to be angry?
We feel that same indignationwhen our husband asked for
affection, but in our mind he'sjust not coming up to snuff.
We feel the same unfairnessthat Jonah did when our husband
hasn't been pulling his weight,he hasn't been earning his keep
around the house.
Your husband might notappreciate all you've done for
him.
Your husband might even go sofar as to create real injustices
(12:13):
for you, and yet God still iscalling you to be a loving
helpmate to them.
He's calling you to be aconstant encourager, a source of
the truth that your hubby needsto hear, even on his worst day.
There are two reasons, I think,why Jonah would be mad at God
that he would show grace andcompassion to Nineveh.
Remember, mercy is not gettingwhat we do deserve and grace is
(12:35):
getting the blessings that wedon't deserve.
God wants to give both toNineveh.
God wants to give both to yourhusband, but Jonah's not happy
about this.
And number one, I think it'sbecause of his own
self-righteousness.
When we think we're better thanour husband, we would naturally
be angry that we would have toshow them grace and compassion
and mercy.
Self-righteousness does not makefor a no judgment zone in our
(12:56):
home.
Just the opposite.
Keeping score on hisperformance, especially when
compared to our own, is a recipefor division.
If we're in judgment on hisevery move, his every decision,
his every word, we're going toput everything he does under the
umbrella of he just doesn'tcare, or he always and he never.
Maybe this is how Jonah felt.
(13:17):
Nineveh didn't give a rip andthey just did what they wanted,
with no thought to theconsequences.
Their actions prove that theyweren't worthy of love.
Well, at least to Jonah.
The second reason I think Jonahwas angry are the same emotions
that we feel when we think healways thinks he's so right,
he's so self-righteous, which,in our minds, means we've
(13:38):
determined that he's wrong andhe's using a cover up to get
away with it.
There may be things under thesurface, though, that we aren't
seeing.
We should want God to beworking in our husband's heart.
We should want God to becalling out to them, drawing
them close, making them morelike him, but we miss this
precious opportunity to be ahuge part of that when we make
judgments about hisself-righteousness, all the
(14:00):
while wallowing in our ownself-righteousness.
Yes, it is quite ironic.
There's something reallyinteresting about this wicked
city that I don't want us tomiss today.
It may seem small, but this isa big lesson.
When Jonah finally obeyed Godand went to share this message
of salvation with them, theydidn't throw him out of the city
, they didn't laugh at him.
Chapter 3, verse 5, says thatthey believed God.
(14:22):
God's mercy and grace shownthrough us, spoken through us to
our husbands, especially whenit's least deserved, can be more
impactful than we ever realize.
God's mercy and grace lived outthrough you to your husband may
be exactly what he needs totake his next step spiritually.
So what's the first thing thatcomes to mind when I say he
(14:43):
always and he never?
These thoughts are notinnocuous.
Your thoughts about yourhusband, whether they're shared
out loud or not, always haveimpact.
They either poison or theyplant.
We're going to get more intothat in part three of this
series, but let's talk aboutjudgment and keeping score for
just a second, because thosecause us to be spiteful and they
cause us to be malicious.
(15:05):
We want harm to come to themrather than God's grace to be
showered on them.
Seeing our spouse, though,through God's eyes of mercy and
grace, causes us to be able tokeep in step with the Spirit,
like God's word talks about, andthe result of that is going to
be really obvious, not only inour thoughts, but in our words
and our attitude love and joy,and peace and patience, and so
(15:26):
on.
Ephesians 4 is somewhere that Iturn to often for how to be in
relationships, especially onesthat are hard, the way that God
intended.
If we put the principles sharedhere into practice, they're
going to become, or they'regoing to change, the heart and
culture of our home.
Listen to Ephesians 4, 31 and32.
It says let all bitterness andwrath and anger and clamor and
(15:47):
slander be put away from you,along with all malice.
Be kind to one another,tenderhearted, forgiving one
another, as God in Christforgave you.
Bitterness is a poison.
It eats at the fabric of ourmarriage and it stems from the
belief that our husband isn'tworthy of fill in the blank with
your own noun.
(16:07):
Our husband isn't worthy oflove, grace, mercy, forgiveness,
kindness, respect.
Bitterness is the opposite ofthe heart of God for our husband
.
God longs to give your husbandthe things you are withholding
from them.
Hebrews 12 says that we shouldstrive for peace with everyone
and we should see to it that noroot of bitterness springs up
(16:29):
and causes trouble and causesmany to become defiled.
Your own belief in thisattribute of God, his mercy and
grace for your own heart andlife is going to change your
thoughts towards your husband.
A correct view of God and whathe thinks of you is going to be
a spade long enough to dig outthat root of bitterness and
enable you to forgive.
(16:49):
The story of Jonah doesn't endwith him believing what he needs
to.
There's not really a happyending here.
He's still holding on to theprejudice against Nineveh.
He's convinced he knows thebest outcome.
But El Chinun, the gracious God, longs to take your prejudice
and my prejudice and myprejudgment against my spouse
and use it to teach me how hefeels about me.
(17:12):
Is the grace and mercy gettingwhat you don't deserve and not
getting what you do deserve thatyou and I have received from
God really so inconsequentialthat we refuse to see our spouse
as anything but a foregoneconclusion, an inevitable result
?
Will you stand your ground andsay that you already know with
certainty how your husband willrespond, if you love them with
(17:34):
God's love?
There are three things I want toclose with today as you seek to
eradicate these thoughts andreplace them with the truth of
who God is.
Number one forgive.
Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to write down allyour he always and all your he
nevers.
I want you to say he always andthen fill in the blank as many
times as that takes he never.
And fill in the blank as manytimes as that takes he never.
(17:54):
And fill in the blank as manytimes as that takes.
I want you to see them in blackand white and then I want you
to go to the Lord in prayer Ifyou're generalizing something,
there's most likelyunforgiveness there and then ask
your spouse to forgive you forjudging them.
Let them know instead.
Hey, I'm on your team and I'mgoing to lean into you with
grace and mercy every time.
(18:15):
Number two celebrate thevictories.
This one's going to be a littletricky because you don't want
to get into scorekeepingterritory again, but do give
praise when it's due andencouragement when it isn't.
The power of our words shouldnot be underestimated.
Jonah's words turn the heartsof 120,000 people to God.
So find out what encouragesyour husband the most and you
(18:36):
know what it may not be withwords and celebrate the
victories.
And number three if you findyourself swinging on that
pendulum of just trying to keepyour thoughts all in order one
minute and lashing out the next,remember it's always a matter
of your heart.
James 3, starting in verse 9,helps us understand this
paradigm.
It says with the tongue wepraise our Lord and Father and
(18:56):
with it we curse human beingswho have been made in God's
likeness.
Out of the same mouth comepraising and cursing.
Can both fresh water and saltwater flow from the same spring,
my brothers and sisters?
Can a fig tree bear olives or agrapevine bear figs.
Neither can a salt springproduce fresh water.
It says, my brothers andsisters, this should not be so.
(19:16):
You don't need to have a talkwith your husband about where he
needs to change.
You need to have a talk withGod about you.
When your heart is right beforeGod on what's bugging you, it's
going to change what you think,what you say and what you do.
When something crops up and youfind yourself laying awake at
night rehearsing that lastconversation in your head, it's
time to take care of the issue.
(19:36):
Don't let a root of bitternessspring up between you and cause
division.
Psalm 4, 4 says tremble and donot sin In your anger.
Do not sin when you're on yourbeds.
Search your hearts and besilent.
The anger referred to here, Ithink, is not one where you're
just raging at your husband,wanting him to change, wanting
him to treat you better.
(19:56):
This is the silent, slow burnthat keeps you up at night.
The rage of a hurt heart can bemute for long periods of time,
but it can be oh so destructiveto your marriage.
It's usually when we're alone,when we replay the words, that
hurt us.
The infuriation of not beingunderstood, the indignation of
his self-righteousness.
When he's breathing heavilybeside you and the house is
(20:19):
quiet for the night, that's whenour thoughts can run rampant.
We eventually drop off to sleep, but in the morning nothing has
changed.
Our incense towards him is onlygreater because of our
meditation of his misdeeds.
Ephesians 4 says be angry and donot sin.
Do not let the sun go down onyour anger.
Let's put that into practice.
(20:39):
Come before God and get right.
Then, if needed, wake yourhusband up.
It is better to lose an hour ofsleep in conversation that's
going to unite you than to layawake stewing something that's
only going to cause harm.
This is something we're goingto have to stay current on.
This is not a one-time thing.
So get some alone time with Godtoday.
Get serious before him aboutyour heart.
(21:00):
Our natural tendency, like Jonah, is to assume guilt rather than
give grace.
Like God does.
El Chinun, you've been calledto be an agent of mercy and
grace in your husband's life,despite how he always or he
never.
The people of Nineveh needed toknow that God was for them.
Jonah's message repent now andGod will not destroy.
(21:21):
You told them that.
So what is the message thatyour husband needs to hear.
What specific things does heneed to receive from you that
you've been withholding thatreally in your mind he doesn't
deserve?
What specific thing have youbeen trying to make him pay for,
and how would God use you thisweek to bless him?
Remember, fresh and salt watercan't come from the same well,
(21:45):
forgive.
Don't put a blanket judgment onhim and draw from the God of
mercy and grace who longs topour into your husband's heart
using you.
I want to end by reading Psalm103 in the message version.
God is sheer mercy and grace,not easily angered.
He's rich in love.
He doesn't endlessly nag andscold, nor hold grudges forever.
(22:06):
He doesn't treat us as our sinsdeserve, nor pay us back in
full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over theearth, so strong is his love to
those who fear him.
As parents feel for theirchildren, god feels for those
who fear him.
He knows us inside out, keepsin mind that we are made of mud.
God's love is ever and always,eternally present to all who
(22:27):
fear him, making everythingright for them and their
children as they follow hiscovenant ways and remember to do
whatever he said.
We're going to continue thisseries next time on Vows to Keep
Radio, how yourself talk aboutyour husband could be ruining
your relationship.
We'll talk about the thoughtsthat enter your mind.
Like he's not doing it the wayI asked him to.
(22:47):
He's never going to get itright, so I'll just have to deal
with it.
Why doesn't he just fill in theblank?
And why am I the only one whoever does this?
In the meantime, I want to giveyou a great resource that you
can print and stick in yourBible.
You can take a picture of itwith your phone and have it at
your fingertips anytime.
You need A resource that's goingto help you identify these
(23:09):
toxic thoughts that you'rehaving about your husband, the
ones that are tearing yourrelationship down, and how we
can replace them with thesenames of God, these attributes
of God that show us how to livewithin this marriage
relationship.
When I first started to putthis topic together, I reached
out on social media and saidthis is what I am personally
(23:29):
going through right now.
Can you relate?
So many women said this is whatI'm personally going through
right now.
Can you relate?
So many women said this is me.
Would you create a resource forus that we can have as we go
through this Bible study withyou, tracy, here on Vows to Keep
Radio, we would love to have aresource in our hands.
If you desire to have thisresource in your hands so you
can refer to it often and changeyour thinking about your
husband and replace it withbiblical truth, email us
(23:52):
resource at vows to keep dot com.
Again, resource at vows to keepdot com and we'll send that
right over to you.
Can't wait to continue theconversation next week here on
vows to keep radio.
How yourself talk about yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Vows to keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:34):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
And click on the donate link.
(24:57):
No-transcript.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
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