July 28, 2025 • 24 mins
Breaking the Silence + Reconnecting with Your Husband :: [Ep. 279]
Last week, we started talking to wives on how to (re)engage communication with their husband. This week, we are continuing the conversation. We will explore how wives can restore communication with disengaged husbands by addressing harmful communication patterns that create barriers to intimacy and connection.
We will talk about the following in this episode:
• How common malice—the intention to vex, annoy or injure—is within our communication
• Types of belittling behavior that is common and needs to stop
• The effect of rejecting compliments and what that communicates to your husband
• The effects of consistently seeking advice from others instead of your husband
• Non verbals within a conversation that push your husband away
• How to repair disconnection
If God has revealed areas where you've sinned against your husband, go to him and apologize specifically. Name what you've done, make it right, and express your desire to follow God and His Word.
We hope and pray you are helped and encouraged by this week's episode!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
And we have made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Tracy, this week I was reflecting back on a certain
purchase I made in the firstyear of our marriage.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Was it for me?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
No, this story is only going to go downhill from
here, in fact, because not onlywas it not for you, it was for
me, and it was one that was areally dumb idea.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Was this purchase perhaps gold in color.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah, this was the gold 1998 Ram Air Firebird.
Do you remember this car?
I remember you looking at thiscar online and boy did it look
good yeah, it looked good online, but it was far less good once
it was actually in our hands.
And let me tell you, man, aboutone of the first times where I
realized my wife's level ofcommitment to me.
(01:21):
This car was delivered to uscross country bought, sight
unseen, and when it got here,the amount of work that it
needed was staggering.
And the most amazing thing tome of all was that my wife had
every opportunity, really everyright, to rub my nose in what
was a terrible financialdecision, and she didn't.
(01:43):
Now we both knew the facts.
She wasn't blind to that, butinstead what she chose to do was
enable the lines ofcommunication to stay open
between us, not only about whatwe do with this car and the work
that I put into eventuallyfixing it and being able to sell
it as a nice, wholesomeautomobile.
But let me tell you what thatdid in the future.
(02:04):
It set me up to really valueher opinion in the future.
She didn't nag me about the car.
She let me learn not only fromthe circumstance, but also learn
to value her input in a waythat I hadn't previously.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Ladies, we're going to have some situations in our
lives where we respond correctlyto something our husband is
doing or maybe something they'vedone wrong.
And we're going to have somesituations in our lives where we
respond correctly to somethingour husband is doing or maybe
something they've done wrong,and we're going to have
opportunities to respondincorrectly In your marriage
right now.
How is the conversation going?
You see, I haven't alwaysreacted like I did that time
with this gold firebird.
I haven't always chosen theright thing, and when I choose
(02:44):
to do something that's againstGod's word and I'm sure you
ladies can relate with this myhusband stops engaging with me.
And maybe that's where you'reat in your marriage right now.
You're looking for ways to getyour husband to engage with you
once again.
Last week on Vows to Keep Radio,in part one of this series, we
talked about how nagging anddemanding and hounding your
(03:08):
husband which are all similarthings but have slight
differences to them can reallyshut down that communication.
And today we're going to talkabout things like belittling and
malice and not accepting yourhusband's compliments, plus a
few more.
The words that I just used arethings that, over time, can
begin to describe your behavior.
It's not like we start outsaying, yeah, I'm going to be
(03:30):
malicious towards my husband orI'm going to yell at him on a
daily basis.
We don't begin our marriagesthat way, but over time this can
be the trend of ourcommunication and we find
ourselves no longer even able tohave a regular conversation.
So let's talk about some ofthose things in depth today,
with an eye on our hearts.
God, would you open up ourhearts, our minds, show us where
(03:52):
we have gotten off track andhow we can get back on track
again with your words.
So we're going to start today,david, with this word malice.
I first ran across this in 1Peter 2 a couple years ago, when
God was working on some thingsas far as my parenting goes.
It says therefore, ridyourselves of all malice and all
deceit, hypocrisy, envy andslander of every kind.
(04:15):
As I read that, I thought, okay, maybe I fall into the envy
category, sometimes hypocrisy.
But the word malice did notjump off the page of me until I
started to look at it a littlebit.
Malice is defined as ill will.
It's an intention to vex, annoyor injure another person, and
that's what really stood out tome.
And we see this trait againtalked about in Ephesians,
(04:36):
chapter 4.
It says let all bitterness andwrath and anger and clamor and
slander be put away from you,along with all malice.
Now there's a lot of things inboth of these verses that we
might need to revisit again.
We might need to look athypocrisy in our life, or envy
or slander, but let's focus onmalice for a few minutes here.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
It's so interesting because I think we tend to think
of some evil person who's gotit out to destroy someone else.
That's someone who has maliceright, but could this include
you?
Do you have a desire, maybesome ill will towards your
husband?
Now, most of the time, I thinkpeople would automatically
answer that with a resounding no.
(05:18):
You're not gonna be flingingdishes across the room at your
husband's head, but do you flingwords?
Do you rub his nose in hismistakes, wanting him to get a
feel for the kind of pain thathe's made you endure?
It doesn't even have to bethose loud or harsh words.
It can be something as simpleas talking to your kids when
your husband is within earshotand telling them with a great
(05:38):
big sigh that now you're goingto have to fix the problem
because your husband, theirfather, couldn't hack it.
Inevitably, every couple we'veever seen who has reached a
point of divorce or thoughts ofdivorce in their own heart and
mind has experienced this.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
David, when I first met you, we had a dog, a
schnauzer, in my household namedHans.
His last couple of years werespent during the first couple of
years of our marriage.
I know you have a specialfondness in your heart for this
dog.
Okay, he does it, but this dogcould eat just about anything.
(06:16):
He would eat chocolates, allthese things that dogs aren't
supposed to eat, and you knowwhat the Bible says about a dog
returning to his vomit afterhe's eaten a lot of chocolates,
right?
He goes back to it and a lot oftimes my mom would take his
little nose and show him thevomit and say don't you do this
again, right?
And his ears would go back andhe'd feel really bad.
He'd feel that dog regret.
(06:37):
Unfortunately, even as funny asthat story is, we do that with
each other sometimes.
Or it's like a child beingreprimanded rather than being
disciplined and discipledthrough their mistakes.
A lot of times this malice canbuild in our heart because we
let hurt and disappointmentfester in our marriage to the
(06:59):
point that we actually begin toget some enjoyment out of
letting our spouse feel thesting of their decisions.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
It's like we're trying to one-up each other,
like the pain I'm creating foryou is on par with the pain that
you've created for me.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
When we really look at it, malice defined is a lack
of mercy, and mercy, biblicallydefined, is not giving someone
what they actually do deserve.
When we live in malice towardsour spouse, when we want them to
pay for the harm and theinconvenience that they've
caused us, we're doing more.
It actually goes way past that.
(07:34):
We're making God's mercytowards us insignificant.
I hope you're hearing us onthis today.
When we act in malice, when wedon't give mercy, we are
counting God's mercy towards usas worth nothing.
We forget and we act on thatforgetfulness.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
What you're talking about, tracy, is literally
Satan's approach to mercy,because he presents it as though
this is about justice.
We want our anger to buysomething for us, and I think
we're hoping deep down that achange is going to be made.
So if your husband knows howbad he is, he'll certainly be
inspired to do something tochange it.
(08:13):
Well, have you ever seen inyour marriage a change that is
long lasting because of youranger?
Listen to this message fromJames, chapter 1.
Know this, my beloved brothersLet every person be quick to
hear, slow to speak, slow toanger, for the anger of man does
not produce the righteousnessof God.
(08:36):
Unfortunately, many times wedon't get the option to see the
true cost of our anger playedout because we're not able to
assemble all of the years of itput together.
But the fact of the matter isis that the righteousness of God
is something which we willultimately get to see.
The result of Ephesians 4.32says this be kind to one another
(08:56):
.
This is the antidotetenderhearted forgiving one
another, as God and Christforgave you.
And we're not just talkingabout a behavior change, we're
not just saying that you need tohave words that are kind,
because a tender heart towardsyour spouse and towards God is
the actual cure.
That's what we're talking about.
You can eradicate malice inyour marriage by changing your
(09:21):
heart.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Part of this antidote against malice is truly wanting
the best for our spouse.
That's not something that comesnaturally because we're trying
to hold something against them.
But what does Jesus do when hemeets sinners, even those who
would be considered the worst ofsinners?
All it takes is a short look atbooks like Matthew and Luke to
see that he actually welcomessinners, he eats with them, he
(09:45):
sees their need and he meets it.
Now, when I'm being malicious,my eyes are completely on myself
.
How about you?
They aren't on God, they're noton his mercy.
They aren't on David's needs ormy kids' needs or my
co-workers' needs.
It's just on getting somerevenge.
Now here's our God he leavesthe 99 sheep who are safe and he
(10:07):
goes after the one who's goneastray.
Malice is truly the opposite ofwhat God asked us to do.
Malice is the opposite ofgoodness and graciousness, and
sympathy and mercy is everysingle one of those things.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
So, if you have a good grip on malice, let's talk
about what it means to belittle,to make someone seem
unimportant, because to belittlesomeone is this cruel way of
making them seem less importantthan you.
Belittling someone is reallytelling them a hopeless lie.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
When we belittle our spouse, we definitely shut down
their desire to engage with us,because they never know what's
going to come out of our mouth.
Picture the scene the family iswaiting in the van while dad
goes in to get the pizza.
He gets back in the van,they're on the way home and the
wife opens up the pizza box todo what David?
To see if her husband got theorder right.
(11:06):
And guess what he?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
didn't.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Here's her big chance to show grace or to tear him
down when she saw the pizzawasn't right.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Now, in this moment, the way that it was evident was
when one of the kids in the backof the car said you idiot, you
didn't remember.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Now, she never actually said the words, but
that's exactly what her dramaticsigh said, without words,
before the mouthy kid couldspeak up from the back seat.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
So if you see that your kids have a freedom to
criticize your husband directly,carefully consider whether they
are empowered by watching thewords coming from your mouth.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
What does belittling look like in your marriage?
Well, we'd sure like to thinkthat we don't fall into this
category, but girls, so often wedo.
We can even do it withoutsaying anything, just like this
situation we just told you about.
You can roll your eyes.
We can even do it withoutsaying anything, just like this
situation we just told you about.
You can roll your eyes, you canheave a big sigh, you can act
superior to him.
But words often actually doplay a part in belittling our
spouse or our children.
(12:07):
We can call names, make himfeel stupid when he doesn't know
or remember something.
Boy, that's a big one.
You might even talk aboutsomeone else in front of him,
affirming how great they are,and at the same time, you're
putting him down.
You're doing what God asks usnot to do in the 10 commandments
.
We begin to covet ourneighbor's spouse.
I wish you were a husband likethis guy, babe, because, boy,
(12:30):
this is what he does.
Even comparing him with someoneyou feel is superior to him
belittles him in that moment.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Ephesians 4.25 says.
So stop telling lies.
Let us tell our neighbors thetruth, for they are all parts of
the same body.
And in verse 29 it says Don'tuse foul or abusive language.
Let everything you say be goodand helpful, so that your words
will be an encouragement tothose who hear it.
I love how straight forward andsimple that is put for us here.
(13:02):
Here's what not to do Don't lieto each other.
Tell the truth.
And here's why Because we areall equal before the Lord, all
parts of a body of Christ, eachwith a unique, given function
for building up the body.
And here's what we should do inresponse to that In replacement
of the lies, we need to buildeach other up by what we're
saying, looking continuously forways to encourage our husbands
(13:24):
and wives.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
This really is a put off situation and a put on
situation.
We can't just stop belittling.
We have to replace that.
Just like this verse says, weneed to tell the truth.
We need to encourage with ourwords.
So how do we do that?
Well, we don't want to lieabout it.
We don't want to tell ourhusband he's good at something
when he's not, but we can lookfor ways to encourage him on the
(13:47):
things that he is doing right.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
When we were first married, maybe, david, there
wasn't a lot to compliment me on, maybe things that were at,
maybe, things that I was onlydoing at 50%, but maybe that was
10% better than it was before.
The point is we need to set upa culture to compliment on
growth and not just onperfection.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
There's always something to encourage your
spouse on.
You can even go to God's wordand see your husband's identity
in God and encourage him in that.
Now there's most likelysomething in your husband or in
your marriage you wish wasgrowing, you wish was changing
for the better.
We all have that.
But the crazy thing is yourhusband actually might be
working on that very thing rightnow.
(14:29):
He might be in prayer about it,he might be seeking counsel
about it, he might even betrying to change it himself.
But you can't see it.
You're not omniscient.
You can't see everything andyou can destroy where your
husband is working hard onsomething.
But there may be slow in theirprogress.
Your belittling can be the verything that actually shuts them
down.
When you stop belittling yourhusband, you're going to have a
(14:51):
lot less to say at first.
If this is a big thing in yourmarriage, that's okay.
Let there be awkward silences.
Then replace those with onlythings that are good and helpful
, like it talks about inEphesians 4.
The effort is going to be worthit.
Ladies, speak the truth.
It's going to help him to beconfident as a lover, as a
friend, as a worker, as a dad,and it's going to cause him to
(15:13):
feel seen by you and to feelvery respected.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
And a husband who feels respected.
Now that's a man who's going towant to engage.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2 KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
There's a couple other ways that we want to talk
to you, ladies, about how to getyour husband to engage again.
Maybe things that you're doingor not doing that are causing
some of that communication toshut down.
And the next one, david, is notasking your husband's advice or
opinion.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, this is such an important thing.
When was the last time that youwent to your husband first
besides to God for advice onsomething?
I'm talking about somethingthat could be as simple as how
you want to have your hair cutor colored, or what to do about
a friend or a work conflict typesituation.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Because it's really easy to run to a best friend or
even to a website that you trust.
A lot of times we've alreadygotten all the advice that we
think we need.
By the time it comes to talkwith our husband about it, then
we're really just looking forhis stamp of approval, if we
even mention it at all, andtypically this is a slower
progression over time.
(16:32):
It's not like one day you guysare talking about anything and
everything and then the nextyou're going to everyone under
the sun for advice except yourhusband.
Ladies, our independence inmarriage are going to everyone
else for advice and not himshows our husbands something
loud and clear.
It shows our lack of desire fortheir leadership in our life.
(16:52):
It shows a desire instead to bein control, and it leaves our
husband unable to lead, likeGod's asked him to.
It is possible to get back tothis where you are talking about
everything and anything, butfirst we've got to want it, and
in order to want it, we've gotto have a humble heart, one
that's actually willing to hearthat we're not all knowing and
(17:15):
that we actually want to be onewith this man that we made a vow
to be one with.
If you've developed anindependent heart.
It's going to come down to you,first and foremost, getting
before God and wanting hisadvice, his wisdom, because if
you're not going to God to gethis advice and wisdom, you're
not going to want to go to yourhusband Also, coming before God
(17:37):
and asking him to change yourheart, to be humble and to be
open to oneness with your spouseonce again.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
So think about those unsolved things in your mind and
start to talk about them withyour husband, ask his opinion.
The one in marriage becomes twowhen we start making and living
by our own rules, independently.
So let's reverse the cycle,because when you go to your
husband, well then you're nolonger two, but two who are of
(18:02):
one flesh, even if initially hedoesn't do the same for you.
This is how you get the processstarted.
These are the kind of areaswhere husbands feel so cherished
, when we get to be a part ofthe input that goes into your
life.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
So two more things today, ladies, things we might
need to look at from a viewpointof God's words so we can get
our husband to engage with usonce again.
And this next one I thinkprobably 100% of ladies could
relate with this, or at least99%, rejecting our husband's
compliments.
So picture the scene with me,the wife.
She's on a diet, she's tryingto look a little bit better, she
(18:39):
hasn't quite fit into thatpretty dress yet and the husband
says babe, you look so gorgeoustoday.
What do you think she's goingto say?
She's going to laugh in hisface and say, oh no, I don't.
Or she's going to just brushhis compliment aside and say, no
, I still have 15 more pounds tolose.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Did you know that nothing will kill your husband's
confidence to compliment youand to love on you faster than
when you reject his compliments?
This isn't just a blow to him,it's a major hit on your
relationship too, becauserejecting his compliments is
like saying babe, you're notcredible and you're not even
beginning to pierce my heart.
By rejecting his compliment andhaving some sort of argument to
(19:15):
refute that, you're telling himthat he's either lying to you
or he might be telling you thetruth, but it doesn't matter to
you.
This is actually putting abarrier up between the two of
you.
I think society has taught a lotof ladies to be very suspicious
Suspicious in that theirhusband might just be giving
them compliments to butter themup for some sort of demand back
(19:37):
for themselves, and in thisworld I hate to say it, but
there are a lot of guys that dojust that.
Certainly we do not think it'sright to manipulate someone.
But think about it from thisperspective.
What's the worst that couldhappen if you believe the words
of your husband?
What would happen if you setyour preconceived ideas aside?
What would that do to yourspouse?
(19:57):
They're going to be blown awayby the love that you have for
them, but it's also going tocreate unity when you absorb the
kind of love that they'retrying to pour onto you.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
I was talking with a wife recently and she said it
had been years since she trulyhad accepted a compliment from
her husband.
So this is going to be newterritory for some of you.
If that's you, how do you startaccepting compliments from your
husband?
How do you build theirconfidence in this way?
I think number one believe thebest of his intentions and
motivations and acknowledge inyour heart that from his
(20:28):
viewpoint he is speaking thetruth, even if from your
viewpoint he's sadly mistaken.
Let him be biased.
That's a good thing for you,and a great way to accept his
compliments is to say thank youand then reciprocate one back to
him.
And finally, today here on Vowsto Keep Radio, we can shut down
our unity in our marriage.
We can shut down our husband'sdesire to engage with us by
(20:50):
actually how we talk.
If you have an Alexa in yourhome, like most of us do, and we
were able to replay the last 24hours of audio, what would it
show about your heart towardsyour husband?
Ouch right.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Would there be shouting and yelling, things
that conveyed that my feelingsare more important and they must
be heard?
Speaker 3 (21:11):
There are many homes where there is a lot of raised
voices and really over time thatcan become a habit.
It begins to feel natural, evenif it's getting short-term
results.
You're yelling, your tone ofvoice has a price to it, but a
lot of times it's not understood.
We justify this is the rightthing to do because it's getting
him moving.
We may not process it that way,but we continue to do this.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, one wife explained it this way.
She said, if I don't lose it onmy husband, he doesn't do
anything Now to her boy.
She thought taking this stancewas certainly going to get the
results.
But he's living in fear thatshe's going to walk away and for
the moment that feels likeshe's getting what she wants.
But it becomes a tit-for-tatsort of situation and it won't
(21:54):
be long and the tables will beturned around.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
We've talked in this series about some other things
that might be heard in your homebelittling, arguing, malicious
talk and, last week, nagging,demanding, hounding.
But your Amazon Echo deviceisn't going to pick up on
everything.
There are things past the toneof your voice.
Even if you don't raise yourvoice, your heart can be
conveyed to your husband in awhisper or even a lack of
(22:18):
response.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Philippians 4.5 says let your gentleness be evident
to all, for the Lord is near.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Is it your tone of voice, is it the volume of your
voice, or is it in the thingsyou're not even saying that
you're conveying a lack ofrespect to your husband, a lack
of desire to engage?
Do you respond coldly to hiskiss or his hug that he
initiates?
Do you shrug out of it?
Do you clearly end the kiss,telling him I don't want to be
(22:45):
doing this right now?
Think about the last time yourbody language said honey, I love
you, I want you, you're awesome.
You can convey everything witha look in your eye or the
expression on your face, whetherit's good or bad.
So what do you want and what doyou need to say to your husband
today?
How can you grow in this area?
(23:05):
A better way to say that mightbe where has your body language
and your words and your tonebeen sending him the wrong
message?
We've touched on many thingstoday malice, belittling, not
accepting compliments, notasking for advice and how we
talk with our husbands.
There might be more than onearea today that God has pricked
(23:26):
your heart on and said this iswhere I've been asking you to
change.
Let's work on it together.
So, as we close today on Vowsto Keep Radio, don't leave
something undealt with.
If God has been talking to yourheart and it's a sin issue for
you, this is the time to go toyour spouse and ask forgiveness,
apologize to him for sinsyou've done towards him or sins
(23:47):
that have caused a distancebetween the two of you.
Name what you've doneSpecifically, make it right
between the two of you andexpress towards your husband
your desire to follow God andHis Word.
That is where to start whenyou're wanting to get your
husband to engage with you onceagain.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:32):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
We are David and Tracy Sellers.
Speaker 3 (00:33):
And we have made vows to keep.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Tracy, this week I was reflecting back on a certain
purchase I made in the firstyear of our marriage.
Speaker 3 (00:42):
Was it for me?
Speaker 2 (00:43):
No, this story is only going to go downhill from
here, in fact, because not onlywas it not for you, it was for
me, and it was one that was areally dumb idea.
Speaker 3 (00:55):
Was this purchase perhaps gold in color.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yeah, this was the gold 1998 Ram Air Firebird.
Do you remember this car?
I remember you looking at thiscar online and boy did it look
good yeah, it looked good online, but it was far less good once
it was actually in our hands.
And let me tell you, man, aboutone of the first times where I
realized my wife's level ofcommitment to me.
(01:21):
This car was delivered to uscross country bought, sight
unseen, and when it got here,the amount of work that it
needed was staggering.
And the most amazing thing tome of all was that my wife had
every opportunity, really everyright, to rub my nose in what
was a terrible financialdecision, and she didn't.
(01:43):
Now we both knew the facts.
She wasn't blind to that, butinstead what she chose to do was
enable the lines ofcommunication to stay open
between us, not only about whatwe do with this car and the work
that I put into eventuallyfixing it and being able to sell
it as a nice, wholesomeautomobile.
But let me tell you what thatdid in the future.
(02:04):
It set me up to really valueher opinion in the future.
She didn't nag me about the car.
She let me learn not only fromthe circumstance, but also learn
to value her input in a waythat I hadn't previously.
Speaker 3 (02:20):
Ladies, we're going to have some situations in our
lives where we respond correctlyto something our husband is
doing or maybe something they'vedone wrong.
And we're going to have somesituations in our lives where we
respond correctly to somethingour husband is doing or maybe
something they've done wrong,and we're going to have
opportunities to respondincorrectly In your marriage
right now.
How is the conversation going?
You see, I haven't alwaysreacted like I did that time
with this gold firebird.
I haven't always chosen theright thing, and when I choose
(02:44):
to do something that's againstGod's word and I'm sure you
ladies can relate with this myhusband stops engaging with me.
And maybe that's where you'reat in your marriage right now.
You're looking for ways to getyour husband to engage with you
once again.
Last week on Vows to Keep Radio,in part one of this series, we
talked about how nagging anddemanding and hounding your
(03:08):
husband which are all similarthings but have slight
differences to them can reallyshut down that communication.
And today we're going to talkabout things like belittling and
malice and not accepting yourhusband's compliments, plus a
few more.
The words that I just used arethings that, over time, can
begin to describe your behavior.
It's not like we start outsaying, yeah, I'm going to be
(03:30):
malicious towards my husband orI'm going to yell at him on a
daily basis.
We don't begin our marriagesthat way, but over time this can
be the trend of ourcommunication and we find
ourselves no longer even able tohave a regular conversation.
So let's talk about some ofthose things in depth today,
with an eye on our hearts.
God, would you open up ourhearts, our minds, show us where
(03:52):
we have gotten off track andhow we can get back on track
again with your words.
So we're going to start today,david, with this word malice.
I first ran across this in 1Peter 2 a couple years ago, when
God was working on some thingsas far as my parenting goes.
It says therefore, ridyourselves of all malice and all
deceit, hypocrisy, envy andslander of every kind.
(04:15):
As I read that, I thought, okay, maybe I fall into the envy
category, sometimes hypocrisy.
But the word malice did notjump off the page of me until I
started to look at it a littlebit.
Malice is defined as ill will.
It's an intention to vex, annoyor injure another person, and
that's what really stood out tome.
And we see this trait againtalked about in Ephesians,
(04:36):
chapter 4.
It says let all bitterness andwrath and anger and clamor and
slander be put away from you,along with all malice.
Now there's a lot of things inboth of these verses that we
might need to revisit again.
We might need to look athypocrisy in our life, or envy
or slander, but let's focus onmalice for a few minutes here.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
It's so interesting because I think we tend to think
of some evil person who's gotit out to destroy someone else.
That's someone who has maliceright, but could this include
you?
Do you have a desire, maybesome ill will towards your
husband?
Now, most of the time, I thinkpeople would automatically
answer that with a resounding no.
(05:18):
You're not gonna be flingingdishes across the room at your
husband's head, but do you flingwords?
Do you rub his nose in hismistakes, wanting him to get a
feel for the kind of pain thathe's made you endure?
It doesn't even have to bethose loud or harsh words.
It can be something as simpleas talking to your kids when
your husband is within earshotand telling them with a great
(05:38):
big sigh that now you're goingto have to fix the problem
because your husband, theirfather, couldn't hack it.
Inevitably, every couple we'veever seen who has reached a
point of divorce or thoughts ofdivorce in their own heart and
mind has experienced this.
Speaker 3 (05:55):
David, when I first met you, we had a dog, a
schnauzer, in my household namedHans.
His last couple of years werespent during the first couple of
years of our marriage.
I know you have a specialfondness in your heart for this
dog.
Okay, he does it, but this dogcould eat just about anything.
(06:16):
He would eat chocolates, allthese things that dogs aren't
supposed to eat, and you knowwhat the Bible says about a dog
returning to his vomit afterhe's eaten a lot of chocolates,
right?
He goes back to it and a lot oftimes my mom would take his
little nose and show him thevomit and say don't you do this
again, right?
And his ears would go back andhe'd feel really bad.
He'd feel that dog regret.
(06:37):
Unfortunately, even as funny asthat story is, we do that with
each other sometimes.
Or it's like a child beingreprimanded rather than being
disciplined and discipledthrough their mistakes.
A lot of times this malice canbuild in our heart because we
let hurt and disappointmentfester in our marriage to the
(06:59):
point that we actually begin toget some enjoyment out of
letting our spouse feel thesting of their decisions.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
It's like we're trying to one-up each other,
like the pain I'm creating foryou is on par with the pain that
you've created for me.
Speaker 3 (07:14):
When we really look at it, malice defined is a lack
of mercy, and mercy, biblicallydefined, is not giving someone
what they actually do deserve.
When we live in malice towardsour spouse, when we want them to
pay for the harm and theinconvenience that they've
caused us, we're doing more.
It actually goes way past that.
(07:34):
We're making God's mercytowards us insignificant.
I hope you're hearing us onthis today.
When we act in malice, when wedon't give mercy, we are
counting God's mercy towards usas worth nothing.
We forget and we act on thatforgetfulness.
Speaker 2 (07:51):
What you're talking about, tracy, is literally
Satan's approach to mercy,because he presents it as though
this is about justice.
We want our anger to buysomething for us, and I think
we're hoping deep down that achange is going to be made.
So if your husband knows howbad he is, he'll certainly be
inspired to do something tochange it.
(08:13):
Well, have you ever seen inyour marriage a change that is
long lasting because of youranger?
Listen to this message fromJames, chapter 1.
Know this, my beloved brothersLet every person be quick to
hear, slow to speak, slow toanger, for the anger of man does
not produce the righteousnessof God.
(08:36):
Unfortunately, many times wedon't get the option to see the
true cost of our anger playedout because we're not able to
assemble all of the years of itput together.
But the fact of the matter isis that the righteousness of God
is something which we willultimately get to see.
The result of Ephesians 4.32says this be kind to one another
(08:56):
.
This is the antidotetenderhearted forgiving one
another, as God and Christforgave you.
And we're not just talkingabout a behavior change, we're
not just saying that you need tohave words that are kind,
because a tender heart towardsyour spouse and towards God is
the actual cure.
That's what we're talking about.
You can eradicate malice inyour marriage by changing your
(09:21):
heart.
Speaker 3 (09:22):
Part of this antidote against malice is truly wanting
the best for our spouse.
That's not something that comesnaturally because we're trying
to hold something against them.
But what does Jesus do when hemeets sinners, even those who
would be considered the worst ofsinners?
All it takes is a short look atbooks like Matthew and Luke to
see that he actually welcomessinners, he eats with them, he
(09:45):
sees their need and he meets it.
Now, when I'm being malicious,my eyes are completely on myself
.
How about you?
They aren't on God, they're noton his mercy.
They aren't on David's needs ormy kids' needs or my
co-workers' needs.
It's just on getting somerevenge.
Now here's our God he leavesthe 99 sheep who are safe and he
(10:07):
goes after the one who's goneastray.
Malice is truly the opposite ofwhat God asked us to do.
Malice is the opposite ofgoodness and graciousness, and
sympathy and mercy is everysingle one of those things.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
So, if you have a good grip on malice, let's talk
about what it means to belittle,to make someone seem
unimportant, because to belittlesomeone is this cruel way of
making them seem less importantthan you.
Belittling someone is reallytelling them a hopeless lie.
Speaker 3 (10:42):
When we belittle our spouse, we definitely shut down
their desire to engage with us,because they never know what's
going to come out of our mouth.
Picture the scene the family iswaiting in the van while dad
goes in to get the pizza.
He gets back in the van,they're on the way home and the
wife opens up the pizza box todo what David?
To see if her husband got theorder right.
(11:06):
And guess what he?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
didn't.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
Here's her big chance to show grace or to tear him
down when she saw the pizzawasn't right.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Now, in this moment, the way that it was evident was
when one of the kids in the backof the car said you idiot, you
didn't remember.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
Now, she never actually said the words, but
that's exactly what her dramaticsigh said, without words,
before the mouthy kid couldspeak up from the back seat.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
So if you see that your kids have a freedom to
criticize your husband directly,carefully consider whether they
are empowered by watching thewords coming from your mouth.
Speaker 3 (11:46):
What does belittling look like in your marriage?
Well, we'd sure like to thinkthat we don't fall into this
category, but girls, so often wedo.
We can even do it withoutsaying anything, just like this
situation we just told you about.
You can roll your eyes.
We can even do it withoutsaying anything, just like this
situation we just told you about.
You can roll your eyes, you canheave a big sigh, you can act
superior to him.
But words often actually doplay a part in belittling our
spouse or our children.
(12:07):
We can call names, make himfeel stupid when he doesn't know
or remember something.
Boy, that's a big one.
You might even talk aboutsomeone else in front of him,
affirming how great they are,and at the same time, you're
putting him down.
You're doing what God asks usnot to do in the 10 commandments
.
We begin to covet ourneighbor's spouse.
I wish you were a husband likethis guy, babe, because, boy,
(12:30):
this is what he does.
Even comparing him with someoneyou feel is superior to him
belittles him in that moment.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
Ephesians 4.25 says.
So stop telling lies.
Let us tell our neighbors thetruth, for they are all parts of
the same body.
And in verse 29 it says Don'tuse foul or abusive language.
Let everything you say be goodand helpful, so that your words
will be an encouragement tothose who hear it.
I love how straight forward andsimple that is put for us here.
(13:02):
Here's what not to do Don't lieto each other.
Tell the truth.
And here's why Because we areall equal before the Lord, all
parts of a body of Christ, eachwith a unique, given function
for building up the body.
And here's what we should do inresponse to that In replacement
of the lies, we need to buildeach other up by what we're
saying, looking continuously forways to encourage our husbands
(13:24):
and wives.
Speaker 3 (13:26):
This really is a put off situation and a put on
situation.
We can't just stop belittling.
We have to replace that.
Just like this verse says, weneed to tell the truth.
We need to encourage with ourwords.
So how do we do that?
Well, we don't want to lieabout it.
We don't want to tell ourhusband he's good at something
when he's not, but we can lookfor ways to encourage him on the
(13:47):
things that he is doing right.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
When we were first married, maybe, david, there
wasn't a lot to compliment me on, maybe things that were at,
maybe, things that I was onlydoing at 50%, but maybe that was
10% better than it was before.
The point is we need to set upa culture to compliment on
growth and not just onperfection.
Speaker 3 (14:07):
There's always something to encourage your
spouse on.
You can even go to God's wordand see your husband's identity
in God and encourage him in that.
Now there's most likelysomething in your husband or in
your marriage you wish wasgrowing, you wish was changing
for the better.
We all have that.
But the crazy thing is yourhusband actually might be
working on that very thing rightnow.
(14:29):
He might be in prayer about it,he might be seeking counsel
about it, he might even betrying to change it himself.
But you can't see it.
You're not omniscient.
You can't see everything andyou can destroy where your
husband is working hard onsomething.
But there may be slow in theirprogress.
Your belittling can be the verything that actually shuts them
down.
When you stop belittling yourhusband, you're going to have a
(14:51):
lot less to say at first.
If this is a big thing in yourmarriage, that's okay.
Let there be awkward silences.
Then replace those with onlythings that are good and helpful
, like it talks about inEphesians 4.
The effort is going to be worthit.
Ladies, speak the truth.
It's going to help him to beconfident as a lover, as a
friend, as a worker, as a dad,and it's going to cause him to
(15:13):
feel seen by you and to feelvery respected.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
And a husband who feels respected.
Now that's a man who's going towant to engage.
Speaker 1 (15:24):
If you have a marriage question, please email
questions at vows2keepcom.
Vows2keep will respond to youvia email and perhaps use it on
the air.
Now let's rejoin Vows2 KeepRadio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Speaker 3 (15:40):
There's a couple other ways that we want to talk
to you, ladies, about how to getyour husband to engage again.
Maybe things that you're doingor not doing that are causing
some of that communication toshut down.
And the next one, david, is notasking your husband's advice or
opinion.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
Yeah, this is such an important thing.
When was the last time that youwent to your husband first
besides to God for advice onsomething?
I'm talking about somethingthat could be as simple as how
you want to have your hair cutor colored, or what to do about
a friend or a work conflict typesituation.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Because it's really easy to run to a best friend or
even to a website that you trust.
A lot of times we've alreadygotten all the advice that we
think we need.
By the time it comes to talkwith our husband about it, then
we're really just looking forhis stamp of approval, if we
even mention it at all, andtypically this is a slower
progression over time.
(16:32):
It's not like one day you guysare talking about anything and
everything and then the nextyou're going to everyone under
the sun for advice except yourhusband.
Ladies, our independence inmarriage are going to everyone
else for advice and not himshows our husbands something
loud and clear.
It shows our lack of desire fortheir leadership in our life.
(16:52):
It shows a desire instead to bein control, and it leaves our
husband unable to lead, likeGod's asked him to.
It is possible to get back tothis where you are talking about
everything and anything, butfirst we've got to want it, and
in order to want it, we've gotto have a humble heart, one
that's actually willing to hearthat we're not all knowing and
(17:15):
that we actually want to be onewith this man that we made a vow
to be one with.
If you've developed anindependent heart.
It's going to come down to you,first and foremost, getting
before God and wanting hisadvice, his wisdom, because if
you're not going to God to gethis advice and wisdom, you're
not going to want to go to yourhusband Also, coming before God
(17:37):
and asking him to change yourheart, to be humble and to be
open to oneness with your spouseonce again.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
So think about those unsolved things in your mind and
start to talk about them withyour husband, ask his opinion.
The one in marriage becomes twowhen we start making and living
by our own rules, independently.
So let's reverse the cycle,because when you go to your
husband, well then you're nolonger two, but two who are of
(18:02):
one flesh, even if initially hedoesn't do the same for you.
This is how you get the processstarted.
These are the kind of areaswhere husbands feel so cherished
, when we get to be a part ofthe input that goes into your
life.
Speaker 3 (18:16):
So two more things today, ladies, things we might
need to look at from a viewpointof God's words so we can get
our husband to engage with usonce again.
And this next one I thinkprobably 100% of ladies could
relate with this, or at least99%, rejecting our husband's
compliments.
So picture the scene with me,the wife.
She's on a diet, she's tryingto look a little bit better, she
(18:39):
hasn't quite fit into thatpretty dress yet and the husband
says babe, you look so gorgeoustoday.
What do you think she's goingto say?
She's going to laugh in hisface and say, oh no, I don't.
Or she's going to just brushhis compliment aside and say, no
, I still have 15 more pounds tolose.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Did you know that nothing will kill your husband's
confidence to compliment youand to love on you faster than
when you reject his compliments?
This isn't just a blow to him,it's a major hit on your
relationship too, becauserejecting his compliments is
like saying babe, you're notcredible and you're not even
beginning to pierce my heart.
By rejecting his compliment andhaving some sort of argument to
(19:15):
refute that, you're telling himthat he's either lying to you
or he might be telling you thetruth, but it doesn't matter to
you.
This is actually putting abarrier up between the two of
you.
I think society has taught a lotof ladies to be very suspicious
Suspicious in that theirhusband might just be giving
them compliments to butter themup for some sort of demand back
(19:37):
for themselves, and in thisworld I hate to say it, but
there are a lot of guys that dojust that.
Certainly we do not think it'sright to manipulate someone.
But think about it from thisperspective.
What's the worst that couldhappen if you believe the words
of your husband?
What would happen if you setyour preconceived ideas aside?
What would that do to yourspouse?
(19:57):
They're going to be blown awayby the love that you have for
them, but it's also going tocreate unity when you absorb the
kind of love that they'retrying to pour onto you.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
I was talking with a wife recently and she said it
had been years since she trulyhad accepted a compliment from
her husband.
So this is going to be newterritory for some of you.
If that's you, how do you startaccepting compliments from your
husband?
How do you build theirconfidence in this way?
I think number one believe thebest of his intentions and
motivations and acknowledge inyour heart that from his
(20:28):
viewpoint he is speaking thetruth, even if from your
viewpoint he's sadly mistaken.
Let him be biased.
That's a good thing for you,and a great way to accept his
compliments is to say thank youand then reciprocate one back to
him.
And finally, today here on Vowsto Keep Radio, we can shut down
our unity in our marriage.
We can shut down our husband'sdesire to engage with us by
(20:50):
actually how we talk.
If you have an Alexa in yourhome, like most of us do, and we
were able to replay the last 24hours of audio, what would it
show about your heart towardsyour husband?
Ouch right.
Speaker 2 (21:04):
Would there be shouting and yelling, things
that conveyed that my feelingsare more important and they must
be heard?
Speaker 3 (21:11):
There are many homes where there is a lot of raised
voices and really over time thatcan become a habit.
It begins to feel natural, evenif it's getting short-term
results.
You're yelling, your tone ofvoice has a price to it, but a
lot of times it's not understood.
We justify this is the rightthing to do because it's getting
him moving.
We may not process it that way,but we continue to do this.
Speaker 2 (21:34):
Yeah, one wife explained it this way.
She said, if I don't lose it onmy husband, he doesn't do
anything Now to her boy.
She thought taking this stancewas certainly going to get the
results.
But he's living in fear thatshe's going to walk away and for
the moment that feels likeshe's getting what she wants.
But it becomes a tit-for-tatsort of situation and it won't
(21:54):
be long and the tables will beturned around.
Speaker 3 (21:57):
We've talked in this series about some other things
that might be heard in your homebelittling, arguing, malicious
talk and, last week, nagging,demanding, hounding.
But your Amazon Echo deviceisn't going to pick up on
everything.
There are things past the toneof your voice.
Even if you don't raise yourvoice, your heart can be
conveyed to your husband in awhisper or even a lack of
(22:18):
response.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
Philippians 4.5 says let your gentleness be evident
to all, for the Lord is near.
Speaker 3 (22:25):
Is it your tone of voice, is it the volume of your
voice, or is it in the thingsyou're not even saying that
you're conveying a lack ofrespect to your husband, a lack
of desire to engage?
Do you respond coldly to hiskiss or his hug that he
initiates?
Do you shrug out of it?
Do you clearly end the kiss,telling him I don't want to be
(22:45):
doing this right now?
Think about the last time yourbody language said honey, I love
you, I want you, you're awesome.
You can convey everything witha look in your eye or the
expression on your face, whetherit's good or bad.
So what do you want and what doyou need to say to your husband
today?
How can you grow in this area?
(23:05):
A better way to say that mightbe where has your body language
and your words and your tonebeen sending him the wrong
message?
We've touched on many thingstoday malice, belittling, not
accepting compliments, notasking for advice and how we
talk with our husbands.
There might be more than onearea today that God has pricked
(23:26):
your heart on and said this iswhere I've been asking you to
change.
Let's work on it together.
So, as we close today on Vowsto Keep Radio, don't leave
something undealt with.
If God has been talking to yourheart and it's a sin issue for
you, this is the time to go toyour spouse and ask forgiveness,
apologize to him for sinsyou've done towards him or sins
(23:47):
that have caused a distancebetween the two of you.
Name what you've doneSpecifically, make it right
between the two of you andexpress towards your husband
your desire to follow God andHis Word.
That is where to start whenyou're wanting to get your
husband to engage with you onceagain.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:32):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
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