September 29, 2025 • 24 mins
Today we explore destructive myths that sabotage marriages, examining how these embedded beliefs create barriers to healthy relationships and spiritual growth.
We will talk about the following:
• Common marriage myths prevent capable Christians from breaking through barriers to reach the next level
• Myths create beliefs about our spouse, our future, and justifications for ungodly choices
• Every wrong action starts by believing a lie - what we think in our mind creates our reality
• When we make children the center of our universe, we raise entitled kids unprepared for reality
• The myth "stick it out until kids leave" ignores how damaging living in an unhealthy marriage is for children
• God's purpose for marriage goes beyond child-rearing or future pleasure in retirement years
• A strong marriage models Christ's love and provides the security children truly need
• Don't just survive in your marriage - choose to thrive by serving Christ together
• Breaking generational curses means showing children how to navigate marital challenges with the hope found in Jesus
We pray you are helped and encouraged today!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Is it possible that there are basic myths and lies
that are ruining your life,holding back your marriage or
justifying an unhappy andunfulfilled union?
It's the little things that wecan believe that go a long ways
in derailing our success.
So why do capable Christiansfail to break through the
barriers that most of the commonmyths seem to throw at us,
(00:49):
Things that stop our marriagefrom going to the next level?
Because, if we're not careful,our lives become dictated by
ideas that sound so convincingat some level but are really
absolute myths.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Lies from a culture, myths repeated from previous
generations, worldly wisdomwrapped up in convincing
conversation.
It seems right at the time.
Our nation's teens with cellphones and social media.
It's the fear of missing outthat they can consume what's out
there for them, and pretty soonour kids are influenced into
the cultural norm that glorifiesbeing busy and checking social
(01:22):
media and email constantly.
Many of us parents suffer fromthis as well.
With the older generations,it's an addiction to catching
the news every day.
Not realizing it too has becomea doomsday message designed to
draw eyeballs and sell ads.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
So we don't pay attention to that still small
voice inside that's telling youthat a different life is
actually possible.
The truth is, there canactually be a lot of joy in
missing out, because it means wecan put our focus where it
needs to be.
What if we could discover that?
What if the things thatcontrolled us didn't?
We can be our own worst enemiesand believe the myths, those
(02:01):
lies that ruin our marriage andeven our lives.
That voice we hear in our headrecites some pretty interesting
narratives.
So often and so frequently webegin to believe these lies.
These turn into beliefs aboutour spouse, about our future and
the justification we need ingeneral to make some very
ungodly choices.
(02:22):
Myths believed begin to createour reality and I've said this
very often in our counselingmeetings with couples Every
wrong action starts by believinga lie.
What we think in our own mindcreates a reality.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
In our Christian walk , in our married life, it's
often easier to live out avictim mentality, which is a
myth that you can't do anythingabout the cards you've been
dealt.
Whatever you've got is allyou'll ever have.
You really have no options leftexcept terrible ones, and
everybody knows it.
The stories we tell often startout as a protection, a
justification for why we'reforced into doing what we're
(02:59):
doing.
Sure, maybe it's a sin, butwhat other choice do I have?
Have you ever been there?
Sure, maybe it's a sin, butwhat other choice do I have?
Have you ever been there?
Myths make us feel better aboutlittle incremental bad choices
along the way, but then theyspiral into excuses and beliefs
that end up consuming us, end upruining us.
We're in this series right nowabout marriage myths.
This is part four, and in partone we tackled the myth my
(03:22):
marriage should make me happy.
I bet you've thought that atsome point.
I know I have.
Then the myth marriage takesall the fun out of a
relationship.
We addressed the cultural myththat marriage is becoming an
outdated institution.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
And in the second broadcast we considered the myth
what if I married the wrongperson?
I think I have.
What do I do now?
Then we spoke truth against thecommon marriage myth that some
marriages are just beyond repair, they can't be fixed.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Thankfully, that's not true, and you can always go
back and listen to these on ourwebsite, vowstokeepcom.
In last week's broadcast, wecovered the myth that marriage
should be 50-50, right, and theself-condemning myth that if I
marry the right person, I shouldalways feel in love with them.
We ended addressing the myththat we shouldn't ever fight in
front of our kids.
Right, my spouse and I shouldput on a good face in front of
(04:09):
them, and we address that mythwith truth.
How will we teach our kids howto deal with anger and strife
that they're going to encounterin their life?
Well, the answer is by showingthem a godly response in our
marital strife.
How will they learn what itlooks like to seek forgiveness
in our marital strife?
How will they learn what itlooks like to seek forgiveness?
By watching our disagreementsend that way between the two of
us.
(04:29):
We can't fake a healthy marriage.
We have to show them how to dothe tough work as an agent of
Christ in a relationship thatsees all of who I am and all of
my sin and all of my ugliness.
Kids brought into a turmoil.
Marriage do pay a price andsince we're all sinners married
to a sinner, that leads us tothe next marriage myth.
I've heard this from many moms.
(04:50):
They've got the frailty oftheir kids often on their mind
and when the kids are little,hey, they're crying.
They can't change their owndiapers, they can't feed
themselves it's on me butthey're looking at their husband
and saying he's not onlyinconsiderate and demanding,
he's perfectly capable of takingcare of himself.
So here's the myth.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Our kids need to come first.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
You bet Moms believe our noble cause is to do
anything for our kids.
Drop everything to help them.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
And it's commonplace for dads to jump on with this
bandwagon as well.
We work to provide for our kids.
Hey, she's 12 now she needs herown cell phone.
It's money we don't have, butit's worth it.
He wants to be in soccer andband and football and track.
It's going to stretch my wifeand I into separate schedules
but it's what we need to do.
It's a sacrifice worth making.
(05:40):
What is the truth that God hasasked of us as parents?
We do have a role to play.
God says all souls are his, thesoul of the father as well as
the soul of the son.
We can find that in Ezekiel 18.
And in Psalm 24, god reminds usthat the earth and everything
in it, the world and itsinhabitants belong to the Lord.
Well, guess what?
It's so easy for us, as parents, to lose sight of that when we
(06:04):
think about our kids.
Because we think about them asbeing our kids, we believe that
their success is only as much asyou or I will give to them.
We have to not let thismarriage myth infect our
marriages.
Our children are gods.
You, as parents, you're justtheir stewards.
You're to be making them intoChrist followers, not
(06:27):
self-seekers.
You're to be helping them tosee their role as servants in
order to become servants ofChrist, and we do this by
modeling it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
But not modeling it by serving them to the point
that they're top priority,rather by serving Christ.
So how will you do that?
Well, we have to prepare to letgo as our children grow, and
I'm really not even talkingabout physical growth here,
because we're stewards.
We don't own our children.
We've got this temporaryresponsibility for their long
term capability as Christians,as Christ followers, as kingdom
(07:01):
builders.
I'm reminded of the parable ofthe talents, David.
We have a duty to steward whatwe don't own, and that includes
our kids.
As a parent, we've got theresponsibility to oversee their
spiritual growth, theirspiritual education, discipling
them that's true parenting, notjust ferrying them around a
soccer practice.
Ephesians 6 talks a lot aboutmarriage and parenting, and it
(07:25):
says this in verse 4, to nurtureour children in the discipline
and the instruction of the Lord.
It's humbling to think aboutthis, but we are a child's first
witness to the gospel.
Sharing Jesus is our mostimportant duty.
Proverbs 22, 6 says train up achild in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will notdepart from it.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And that means you have a responsibility to
disciple your kids, especiallywhere their demands push your
family out of God's priorityorder for your lives.
That means saying no to thingsthat maybe aren't wrong but
would change the family dynamicfrom serving God and then
serving your marriage and thenyour family, and getting that
out of that order.
And I think many parents fearthe tantrums of their kids.
They fear the outbursts oftheir teens.
(08:11):
They're just trying to surviveas parents by giving in to the
demands of our culture and ourkids.
And in today's world that seemsloving to train a child.
We must be willing to lovinglycorrect our kids, to teach them
God's priorities for their life.
We've got to show them God'spriority in our lives.
(08:33):
It's generally the goal of mostparents to please their kids
and that equates to happiness intheir minds.
But history shows us that it'sa short-term happiness that
comes at a long-term cost.
I know it can be hard to knowwhere that line is, but if we
would just invest more heavilyin training, at least as much as
(08:53):
we do in pleasing them, I can'timagine where the next
generation could go for thekingdom of Christ.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
And training requires discipline.
And discipline isn't justsaying no, and it's not about
venting your frustration, yourwrath, when you've just had it
with their demands.
This is actually where a lot ofus parents sin in the process.
Let me read from Hebrews,chapter 12, starting in verse 5,
that talks about godlydiscipline to us as his children
(09:22):
, and then parents, how wediscipline our kiddos.
God's word says and have youforgotten the encouraging words
God spoke to you as his children?
He said, my child, don't makelight of the Lord's discipline
and don't give up when hecorrects you.
I bet you felt God's correction, but in the end you were better
for it, for the Lorddisciplines those he loves.
(09:43):
The next verse says and hepunishes each one he accepts as
a child.
As you endure this divinediscipline, god's word says
remember that God is treatingyou as his own children.
Who ever heard of a child whowas never disciplined by its
father?
If God doesn't discipline youas he does all of his children,
it means that you areillegitimate and not really his
children at all.
Hebrews 12 9 goes on to saySince we respected our earthly
(10:06):
fathers who disciplined us,shouldn't we submit even more to
the discipline of the Father ofour spirits and live forever.
Verse 10 says For our earthlyfathers disciplined us for a few
years, doing the best they knewhow, but God's discipline is
always good for us so that wemight share in His holiness.
No discipline is enjoyable.
(10:26):
While it's happening it'spainful, but afterward there
will be a peaceful harvest ofright living for those who are
trained in this way.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Discipline isn't checking a box.
It needs to be godly.
To be effective, disciplineneeds to start with identifying
the sin.
It's not about the Legos or thecell phone.
Look at what's at the root andmake sure that you can back that
up with scripture.
Then comes assigning punishmentthat brings them to repentance,
and this is where a mom and adad need to work together to
(10:52):
make sure that we hit that markconsistently.
The goal is that repentance isgonna spur them onto seeking
forgiveness with God andwhomever else they've offended.
Then we need to reinforce thatGod grants forgiveness and in
that God gives grace.
They need to know that they areloved, no matter what.
Then the matter is finished.
(11:13):
No need to be brought up again.
The goal is to live outGalatians 6.1.
It says, brothers and sisters,if someone is caught in a sin,
you who live by the Spiritshould restore that person
gently, but watch yourselves oryou may be tempted.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
In today's society, we've done a good job of raising
what I would call little miniprinces and princesses.
People who are the center ofour universe, people who can
make almost any request andtheir wish is granted.
We make our kids sometimes anidol, something that we put over
God in our lives and we don'teven realize it, and people who
are used to being served, whosedemands are constantly met those
kiddos, well, they carry thatsame thought into their life
(11:56):
after they leave our house.
They also have the unfortunatereality check hit them when they
find, hey, the world doesn'tserve me like my parents did.
That doesn't make your kidsstop having high expectations,
though, and constantdisappointment is going to come
with it.
It's why so many kids nowadaysnever want to leave the nest.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
When we believe the myth, when we put our kids ahead
of our marriages, we makeself-centered, self-seeking
little messiahs out of our kidsand our marriages fail to boot.
And going back to Ephesians 6,let me read the rest of that it
(12:41):
says.
Let me tell you something Kidsbecome adults full of wrath when
we have set them up forlong-term failure.
The passage continues but bringthem up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.
I want to shift gears to ourfinal myth, but before I do, let
me close out this topic withsome thoughts on how we can
prevent being on the wrong sideof Colossians 3.21.
(13:01):
It says fathers, don't provokeyour children so that they won't
be discouraged.
I've met many a wife and many ahusband who said man, there is
no way I want to repeat the painthat my parents created in my
life.
We don't realize how muchtrouble we create being even 10
or 15 degrees off of what Goddesires in our marriage.
(13:23):
It can have massive impacts.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Now, as a kid, it's discouraging to be told you need
to eat your broccoli.
Well, it's discouraging as aparent to back it up.
But if your kids find yourwords negotiable, they will find
God's word negotiable as well.
Are you preparing them torespect?
(13:49):
Are you preparing them to serve?
Are you preparing them to makeJesus Christ the center of their
universe forever?
Yes, kids are needy.
God made them that way.
Yes, you should be a greatparent, be there for them, spend
time with them.
Don't live out the myth, though, that so many well-intentioned
parents do when they replacemarriage with parenthood.
Little by little, keeping Godfirst, your marriage second,
(14:09):
your family third, and so on,keeps a child on the right
long-term track.
A secure home built on Godprotects and models a future for
our kids to emulate.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Our last marriage.
Myth is that old adage that wemay be miserable with each other
, but we need to stick it outtill the kids are gone.
So many times you see couplesliving in this lie.
We will endure the pain of ourmarriage long enough at least to
see the kids off to college.
And at that point when the lastkid leaves, all bets are off
(14:41):
and the world actually makesthis sound pretty noble, Like,
okay, suck it up, Suffer for thesake of your kids.
It's only for a season andwe're convinced that this is
right because there's such anemotional effect of divorce on
young children.
It's clear Divorce upends akid's world, so it seems to make
sense.
Hang on till they're older andyou know what my parents
(15:04):
divorced a few years after Ileft the home.
My are older and you know whatmy parents divorced a few years
after I left the home.
My question is this how has 18or 20 years living in a home
with a broken marriage shapedyour kids' view of what life and
marriage should look like?
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Will we do more damage by divorcing now or more
damage by staying together andbeing a train wreck of a
marriage?
Well, that's the core of thismyth.
We are locked into these twopaths.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And, it seems, when we as Vows to Keep gets involved
, one spouse is reaching outcontemplating this question and
the other, empty nester, is farless conscientious.
Their head is in the sand, andit's after this last kid moves
out that they suddenly come faceto face with the intimidating
thought of life with a spousethat they've grown far apart
from.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Maybe you're listening and you're not to this
stage, but you might bemotivated by a closely related
myth that we need a strongmarriage during the child
rearing years because one day,hey, those kids are going to be
gone.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
It's as if your marriage now it's terrible, but
it's terrible, but it's thenecessary proving grounds during
these grueling years of raisingkids so that we can be sure
that we will have a marriagewhen all the kids are grown and
they've all flown the coop.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Both of these models of operations suffer from the
same problem.
God's reasons to address yourmarriage go way beyond being in
love when the kids are gone.
That is going to be a nicebonus, for sure.
It's going to be the result ofdoing it God's way, though, in
the first place.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Here's the deal when we make our purpose for marriage
about our kids, we fail themand us.
When we make our purpose aboutour future pleasure in the
retirement years, we fail us andGod too.
Ignoring our purpose meanswe're neglecting God's kingdom
with our lives and ourcollective spiritual gifts.
When you're just surviving,you're ignoring the assets that
(16:54):
have been given to you.
God gave you those assets for apurpose his purpose, not yours.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, we are each given individual gifts and
talents from God, but they areto be used in coordination
together, as a couple.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Jesus said that the most important commandments are
to love God and love others, butwhen we neglect our purpose,
chances are we aren't loving Godor using our gifts to love
others, and in no place is thismore clear to those people that
are in your circle than to yourimmediate family members.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
If that's true, your kids are going to see a love
that isn't real when it comes toyour spouse.
Rather than considering endingyour marriage or just sticking
it out, you can restore yourmarriage.
God can restore your marriage.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Colossians 3.23 tells us whatever you do, work at it
with all of your heart asworking for the Lord, not for
human masters.
So many of us see our marriagein this position where we're
hanging onto it to please ourkids, to serve our kids.
What would it mean to make yourmarriage second to God and
before your kids?
(18:00):
What would it mean not to toughit out for a weak, half-hearted
purpose but rather pivot to amarriage investment done for the
Lord himself?
It's easy to be led astray whenour purpose is built on
quicksand.
Our faith and our identityshould never be built on
temporal things like people thatlive in our home, whether it's
your kids or these visions ofeasy street time when you get
(18:24):
older.
We can so easily mistake thetruth when we're motivated by
things outside the realm of God.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
When we ignore our purpose and who we are serving.
Our identity suffers.
Colossians 3.23 tells us towork within our marriage as if
the Lord was right there.
It's because he is.
But that's followed by verse 24that says since you know that
you will receive an inheritancefrom the Lord as a reward, it is
(18:55):
the Lord Christ you are serving.
What if you love someone, yourspouse for example, who didn't
deserve it?
What if your reward wasn'tactually even visible this side
of heaven?
What if you did?
You modeled Colossians 3, 23and 24 and your kids saw it.
Others admired your love foryour spouse enough to ask why
did you do that?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
What a perfect picture of Jesus and what a
perfect opportunity to talkabout it.
This is only a perspective awayfrom where you are right now.
You can suffer in silence of aweak-hearted purpose, or you can
lean into your spouse and takeon God's purpose for your life
and your marriage and ultimatelybuild a legacy.
Proverbs 13, 22 says a good manleaves an inheritance to his
(19:36):
children's children.
So many people think aboutmoney when they hear this, but
what if your inheritance to yourkids' kids was a marriage lived
to please the Lord?
God does have a purpose foryour marriage, one that's about
him and one that shapes thegenerations to come.
Not because you're two perfectpeople living in a perfect
(19:58):
marriage, but because you're twoflawed people who actually
claim Christ as Savior and showit.
We aren't in a position oftolerating each other, any more
than Christ is in a position oftolerating you or I.
He loves us.
What if you showed your kidsnot that they were the reason to
stay married, but that God was?
(20:19):
What if you were transparentenough to seek help, not to just
survive but to thrive?
The most difficult part of adifficult marriage is the ways
we become experts at minimizing,rationalizing and then
pretending when the realityshould force us as professing
Christians, to take somebiblically supported actions,
(20:40):
but we don't.
We believe the lies, andeventually we notice sarcasm in
many of our interactions witheach other, and a passive
neglect becomes the mode ofchoice.
You choose to be elsewhereduring your free time.
Your work life becomes youracceptable escape, so you spend
too much time there.
You self-medicate bycontrolling what you can when
(21:02):
you're at home to create a safespace for yourself and your kids
to live in.
This lie.
You focus on the kids and theiractivities.
To create a safe space foryourself and your kids to live
in.
This lie.
You focus on the kids and theiractivities, or you always have
the kids with you to avoidfocused alone time with your
husband or your wife.
You go to bed significantlyearlier or later than your wife
to avoid intimacy.
You cultivate an environment ofconstant subconscious distance.
(21:23):
You live separate lives, buttogether, and the kids feel all
this.
They just don't know what it is.
What it becomes, though, istheir understanding of how to
experience and express love whenthe kids leave.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
it's not time to go self-serve.
What a marriage myth that is.
You should be prepared for anincrease in serving God in your
upcoming empty nest.
It's not a season of life forit to finally be all about you.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Let your kids see redemption now, and then let
them see a legacy, as twoChristian parents show that our
lives are ultimately meant toserve Christ throughout all of
our days.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Don't let your love be temporary.
Don't let your marriage be onthe chopping block.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Make the investment and, in doing so, gain the
wisdom that comes with age.
Gain what's valuable in livingout faith and making disciples
of your grandchildren.
Build a marriage between twoimperfect people, as we're
called to do, and then use itand share it For the hope of our
marriage and to give hope tothe next generation.
(22:27):
We've got to choose to breakthe generational curses that
marriage myths create.
We've got to give our kids andour kids' kids a model for how
to make those difficult maritaldecisions.
We've got to choose not toshield them from pain but to
help them biblically cope withit in a way that shows them that
hope is not lost.
(22:49):
We've got to choose to showthem how to love eternally and
unconditionally and not just outof obligation.
That's not how Jesus loves youand I.
He is passionate for you.
What I've come to understand byreading Deuteronomy 6 is that
it's not my job to give my kidsa burden-free life that does not
(23:12):
show them the hope and thepower of Jesus Christ.
I'm not called to shield themfrom the volatility that comes
from an imperfect marriagebetween two sinners.
Actually, it's my job to bereal about these challenges and
then show them how to navigateit with the hope and the love
that we find in the gospel ofJesus Christ.
I don't want you to stay livinga marriage myth proficiently
(23:33):
functioning.
I want you to live for Christ,to call sin what it is and to
deal with it head on.
Don't let years of cumulativesarcasm and emotional stuffing
erode your legacy.
Don't let the marriage mythsrun you ragged until all you
have left is varying levels oftoxicity for everyone to see.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
As we wrap up here on Vows to Keep Radio, don't fall
prey to the myth that you aren'tbelieving any marriage myths,
because we all need to line upwhat we believe with God's word.
If you missed any of thisfour-part series on marriage
myths, where we cover almost adozen of them, listen to each
part on VowsToKeepcom.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:26):
Is it possible that there are basic myths and lies
that are ruining your life,holding back your marriage or
justifying an unhappy andunfulfilled union?
It's the little things that wecan believe that go a long ways
in derailing our success.
So why do capable Christiansfail to break through the
barriers that most of the commonmyths seem to throw at us,
(00:49):
Things that stop our marriagefrom going to the next level?
Because, if we're not careful,our lives become dictated by
ideas that sound so convincingat some level but are really
absolute myths.
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Lies from a culture, myths repeated from previous
generations, worldly wisdomwrapped up in convincing
conversation.
It seems right at the time.
Our nation's teens with cellphones and social media.
It's the fear of missing outthat they can consume what's out
there for them, and pretty soonour kids are influenced into
the cultural norm that glorifiesbeing busy and checking social
(01:22):
media and email constantly.
Many of us parents suffer fromthis as well.
With the older generations,it's an addiction to catching
the news every day.
Not realizing it too has becomea doomsday message designed to
draw eyeballs and sell ads.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
So we don't pay attention to that still small
voice inside that's telling youthat a different life is
actually possible.
The truth is, there canactually be a lot of joy in
missing out, because it means wecan put our focus where it
needs to be.
What if we could discover that?
What if the things thatcontrolled us didn't?
We can be our own worst enemiesand believe the myths, those
(02:01):
lies that ruin our marriage andeven our lives.
That voice we hear in our headrecites some pretty interesting
narratives.
So often and so frequently webegin to believe these lies.
These turn into beliefs aboutour spouse, about our future and
the justification we need ingeneral to make some very
ungodly choices.
(02:22):
Myths believed begin to createour reality and I've said this
very often in our counselingmeetings with couples Every
wrong action starts by believinga lie.
What we think in our own mindcreates a reality.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
In our Christian walk , in our married life, it's
often easier to live out avictim mentality, which is a
myth that you can't do anythingabout the cards you've been
dealt.
Whatever you've got is allyou'll ever have.
You really have no options leftexcept terrible ones, and
everybody knows it.
The stories we tell often startout as a protection, a
justification for why we'reforced into doing what we're
(02:59):
doing.
Sure, maybe it's a sin, butwhat other choice do I have?
Have you ever been there?
Sure, maybe it's a sin, butwhat other choice do I have?
Have you ever been there?
Myths make us feel better aboutlittle incremental bad choices
along the way, but then theyspiral into excuses and beliefs
that end up consuming us, end upruining us.
We're in this series right nowabout marriage myths.
This is part four, and in partone we tackled the myth my
(03:22):
marriage should make me happy.
I bet you've thought that atsome point.
I know I have.
Then the myth marriage takesall the fun out of a
relationship.
We addressed the cultural myththat marriage is becoming an
outdated institution.
Speaker 3 (03:34):
And in the second broadcast we considered the myth
what if I married the wrongperson?
I think I have.
What do I do now?
Then we spoke truth against thecommon marriage myth that some
marriages are just beyond repair, they can't be fixed.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
Thankfully, that's not true, and you can always go
back and listen to these on ourwebsite, vowstokeepcom.
In last week's broadcast, wecovered the myth that marriage
should be 50-50, right, and theself-condemning myth that if I
marry the right person, I shouldalways feel in love with them.
We ended addressing the myththat we shouldn't ever fight in
front of our kids.
Right, my spouse and I shouldput on a good face in front of
(04:09):
them, and we address that mythwith truth.
How will we teach our kids howto deal with anger and strife
that they're going to encounterin their life?
Well, the answer is by showingthem a godly response in our
marital strife.
How will they learn what itlooks like to seek forgiveness
in our marital strife?
How will they learn what itlooks like to seek forgiveness?
By watching our disagreementsend that way between the two of
us.
(04:29):
We can't fake a healthy marriage.
We have to show them how to dothe tough work as an agent of
Christ in a relationship thatsees all of who I am and all of
my sin and all of my ugliness.
Kids brought into a turmoil.
Marriage do pay a price andsince we're all sinners married
to a sinner, that leads us tothe next marriage myth.
I've heard this from many moms.
(04:50):
They've got the frailty oftheir kids often on their mind
and when the kids are little,hey, they're crying.
They can't change their owndiapers, they can't feed
themselves it's on me butthey're looking at their husband
and saying he's not onlyinconsiderate and demanding,
he's perfectly capable of takingcare of himself.
So here's the myth.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Our kids need to come first.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
You bet Moms believe our noble cause is to do
anything for our kids.
Drop everything to help them.
Speaker 3 (05:18):
And it's commonplace for dads to jump on with this
bandwagon as well.
We work to provide for our kids.
Hey, she's 12 now she needs herown cell phone.
It's money we don't have, butit's worth it.
He wants to be in soccer andband and football and track.
It's going to stretch my wifeand I into separate schedules
but it's what we need to do.
It's a sacrifice worth making.
(05:40):
What is the truth that God hasasked of us as parents?
We do have a role to play.
God says all souls are his, thesoul of the father as well as
the soul of the son.
We can find that in Ezekiel 18.
And in Psalm 24, god reminds usthat the earth and everything
in it, the world and itsinhabitants belong to the Lord.
Well, guess what?
It's so easy for us, as parents, to lose sight of that when we
(06:04):
think about our kids.
Because we think about them asbeing our kids, we believe that
their success is only as much asyou or I will give to them.
We have to not let thismarriage myth infect our
marriages.
Our children are gods.
You, as parents, you're justtheir stewards.
You're to be making them intoChrist followers, not
(06:27):
self-seekers.
You're to be helping them tosee their role as servants in
order to become servants ofChrist, and we do this by
modeling it.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
But not modeling it by serving them to the point
that they're top priority,rather by serving Christ.
So how will you do that?
Well, we have to prepare to letgo as our children grow, and
I'm really not even talkingabout physical growth here,
because we're stewards.
We don't own our children.
We've got this temporaryresponsibility for their long
term capability as Christians,as Christ followers, as kingdom
(07:01):
builders.
I'm reminded of the parable ofthe talents, David.
We have a duty to steward whatwe don't own, and that includes
our kids.
As a parent, we've got theresponsibility to oversee their
spiritual growth, theirspiritual education, discipling
them that's true parenting, notjust ferrying them around a
soccer practice.
Ephesians 6 talks a lot aboutmarriage and parenting, and it
(07:25):
says this in verse 4, to nurtureour children in the discipline
and the instruction of the Lord.
It's humbling to think aboutthis, but we are a child's first
witness to the gospel.
Sharing Jesus is our mostimportant duty.
Proverbs 22, 6 says train up achild in the way he should go,
and when he is old he will notdepart from it.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
And that means you have a responsibility to
disciple your kids, especiallywhere their demands push your
family out of God's priorityorder for your lives.
That means saying no to thingsthat maybe aren't wrong but
would change the family dynamicfrom serving God and then
serving your marriage and thenyour family, and getting that
out of that order.
And I think many parents fearthe tantrums of their kids.
They fear the outbursts oftheir teens.
(08:11):
They're just trying to surviveas parents by giving in to the
demands of our culture and ourkids.
And in today's world that seemsloving to train a child.
We must be willing to lovinglycorrect our kids, to teach them
God's priorities for their life.
We've got to show them God'spriority in our lives.
(08:33):
It's generally the goal of mostparents to please their kids
and that equates to happiness intheir minds.
But history shows us that it'sa short-term happiness that
comes at a long-term cost.
I know it can be hard to knowwhere that line is, but if we
would just invest more heavilyin training, at least as much as
(08:53):
we do in pleasing them, I can'timagine where the next
generation could go for thekingdom of Christ.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
And training requires discipline.
And discipline isn't justsaying no, and it's not about
venting your frustration, yourwrath, when you've just had it
with their demands.
This is actually where a lot ofus parents sin in the process.
Let me read from Hebrews,chapter 12, starting in verse 5,
that talks about godlydiscipline to us as his children
(09:22):
, and then parents, how wediscipline our kiddos.
God's word says and have youforgotten the encouraging words
God spoke to you as his children?
He said, my child, don't makelight of the Lord's discipline
and don't give up when hecorrects you.
I bet you felt God's correction, but in the end you were better
for it, for the Lorddisciplines those he loves.
(09:43):
The next verse says and hepunishes each one he accepts as
a child.
As you endure this divinediscipline, god's word says
remember that God is treatingyou as his own children.
Who ever heard of a child whowas never disciplined by its
father?
If God doesn't discipline youas he does all of his children,
it means that you areillegitimate and not really his
children at all.
Hebrews 12 9 goes on to saySince we respected our earthly
(10:06):
fathers who disciplined us,shouldn't we submit even more to
the discipline of the Father ofour spirits and live forever.
Verse 10 says For our earthlyfathers disciplined us for a few
years, doing the best they knewhow, but God's discipline is
always good for us so that wemight share in His holiness.
No discipline is enjoyable.
(10:26):
While it's happening it'spainful, but afterward there
will be a peaceful harvest ofright living for those who are
trained in this way.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Discipline isn't checking a box.
It needs to be godly.
To be effective, disciplineneeds to start with identifying
the sin.
It's not about the Legos or thecell phone.
Look at what's at the root andmake sure that you can back that
up with scripture.
Then comes assigning punishmentthat brings them to repentance,
and this is where a mom and adad need to work together to
(10:52):
make sure that we hit that markconsistently.
The goal is that repentance isgonna spur them onto seeking
forgiveness with God andwhomever else they've offended.
Then we need to reinforce thatGod grants forgiveness and in
that God gives grace.
They need to know that they areloved, no matter what.
Then the matter is finished.
(11:13):
No need to be brought up again.
The goal is to live outGalatians 6.1.
It says, brothers and sisters,if someone is caught in a sin,
you who live by the Spiritshould restore that person
gently, but watch yourselves oryou may be tempted.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
In today's society, we've done a good job of raising
what I would call little miniprinces and princesses.
People who are the center ofour universe, people who can
make almost any request andtheir wish is granted.
We make our kids sometimes anidol, something that we put over
God in our lives and we don'teven realize it, and people who
are used to being served, whosedemands are constantly met those
kiddos, well, they carry thatsame thought into their life
(11:56):
after they leave our house.
They also have the unfortunatereality check hit them when they
find, hey, the world doesn'tserve me like my parents did.
That doesn't make your kidsstop having high expectations,
though, and constantdisappointment is going to come
with it.
It's why so many kids nowadaysnever want to leave the nest.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
When we believe the myth, when we put our kids ahead
of our marriages, we makeself-centered, self-seeking
little messiahs out of our kidsand our marriages fail to boot.
And going back to Ephesians 6,let me read the rest of that it
(12:41):
says.
Let me tell you something Kidsbecome adults full of wrath when
we have set them up forlong-term failure.
The passage continues but bringthem up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.
I want to shift gears to ourfinal myth, but before I do, let
me close out this topic withsome thoughts on how we can
prevent being on the wrong sideof Colossians 3.21.
(13:01):
It says fathers, don't provokeyour children so that they won't
be discouraged.
I've met many a wife and many ahusband who said man, there is
no way I want to repeat the painthat my parents created in my
life.
We don't realize how muchtrouble we create being even 10
or 15 degrees off of what Goddesires in our marriage.
(13:23):
It can have massive impacts.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Now, as a kid, it's discouraging to be told you need
to eat your broccoli.
Well, it's discouraging as aparent to back it up.
But if your kids find yourwords negotiable, they will find
God's word negotiable as well.
Are you preparing them torespect?
(13:49):
Are you preparing them to serve?
Are you preparing them to makeJesus Christ the center of their
universe forever?
Yes, kids are needy.
God made them that way.
Yes, you should be a greatparent, be there for them, spend
time with them.
Don't live out the myth, though, that so many well-intentioned
parents do when they replacemarriage with parenthood.
Little by little, keeping Godfirst, your marriage second,
(14:09):
your family third, and so on,keeps a child on the right
long-term track.
A secure home built on Godprotects and models a future for
our kids to emulate.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Our last marriage.
Myth is that old adage that wemay be miserable with each other
, but we need to stick it outtill the kids are gone.
So many times you see couplesliving in this lie.
We will endure the pain of ourmarriage long enough at least to
see the kids off to college.
And at that point when the lastkid leaves, all bets are off
(14:41):
and the world actually makesthis sound pretty noble, Like,
okay, suck it up, Suffer for thesake of your kids.
It's only for a season andwe're convinced that this is
right because there's such anemotional effect of divorce on
young children.
It's clear Divorce upends akid's world, so it seems to make
sense.
Hang on till they're older andyou know what my parents
(15:04):
divorced a few years after Ileft the home.
My are older and you know whatmy parents divorced a few years
after I left the home.
My question is this how has 18or 20 years living in a home
with a broken marriage shapedyour kids' view of what life and
marriage should look like?
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Will we do more damage by divorcing now or more
damage by staying together andbeing a train wreck of a
marriage?
Well, that's the core of thismyth.
We are locked into these twopaths.
Speaker 3 (15:34):
And, it seems, when we as Vows to Keep gets involved
, one spouse is reaching outcontemplating this question and
the other, empty nester, is farless conscientious.
Their head is in the sand, andit's after this last kid moves
out that they suddenly come faceto face with the intimidating
thought of life with a spousethat they've grown far apart
from.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Maybe you're listening and you're not to this
stage, but you might bemotivated by a closely related
myth that we need a strongmarriage during the child
rearing years because one day,hey, those kids are going to be
gone.
Speaker 3 (16:03):
It's as if your marriage now it's terrible, but
it's terrible, but it's thenecessary proving grounds during
these grueling years of raisingkids so that we can be sure
that we will have a marriagewhen all the kids are grown and
they've all flown the coop.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Both of these models of operations suffer from the
same problem.
God's reasons to address yourmarriage go way beyond being in
love when the kids are gone.
That is going to be a nicebonus, for sure.
It's going to be the result ofdoing it God's way, though, in
the first place.
Speaker 3 (16:32):
Here's the deal when we make our purpose for marriage
about our kids, we fail themand us.
When we make our purpose aboutour future pleasure in the
retirement years, we fail us andGod too.
Ignoring our purpose meanswe're neglecting God's kingdom
with our lives and ourcollective spiritual gifts.
When you're just surviving,you're ignoring the assets that
(16:54):
have been given to you.
God gave you those assets for apurpose his purpose, not yours.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, we are each given individual gifts and
talents from God, but they areto be used in coordination
together, as a couple.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Jesus said that the most important commandments are
to love God and love others, butwhen we neglect our purpose,
chances are we aren't loving Godor using our gifts to love
others, and in no place is thismore clear to those people that
are in your circle than to yourimmediate family members.
Speaker 2 (17:27):
If that's true, your kids are going to see a love
that isn't real when it comes toyour spouse.
Rather than considering endingyour marriage or just sticking
it out, you can restore yourmarriage.
God can restore your marriage.
Speaker 3 (17:40):
Colossians 3.23 tells us whatever you do, work at it
with all of your heart asworking for the Lord, not for
human masters.
So many of us see our marriagein this position where we're
hanging onto it to please ourkids, to serve our kids.
What would it mean to make yourmarriage second to God and
before your kids?
(18:00):
What would it mean not to toughit out for a weak, half-hearted
purpose but rather pivot to amarriage investment done for the
Lord himself?
It's easy to be led astray whenour purpose is built on
quicksand.
Our faith and our identityshould never be built on
temporal things like people thatlive in our home, whether it's
your kids or these visions ofeasy street time when you get
(18:24):
older.
We can so easily mistake thetruth when we're motivated by
things outside the realm of God.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
When we ignore our purpose and who we are serving.
Our identity suffers.
Colossians 3.23 tells us towork within our marriage as if
the Lord was right there.
It's because he is.
But that's followed by verse 24that says since you know that
you will receive an inheritancefrom the Lord as a reward, it is
(18:55):
the Lord Christ you are serving.
What if you love someone, yourspouse for example, who didn't
deserve it?
What if your reward wasn'tactually even visible this side
of heaven?
What if you did?
You modeled Colossians 3, 23and 24 and your kids saw it.
Others admired your love foryour spouse enough to ask why
did you do that?
Speaker 3 (19:13):
What a perfect picture of Jesus and what a
perfect opportunity to talkabout it.
This is only a perspective awayfrom where you are right now.
You can suffer in silence of aweak-hearted purpose, or you can
lean into your spouse and takeon God's purpose for your life
and your marriage and ultimatelybuild a legacy.
Proverbs 13, 22 says a good manleaves an inheritance to his
(19:36):
children's children.
So many people think aboutmoney when they hear this, but
what if your inheritance to yourkids' kids was a marriage lived
to please the Lord?
God does have a purpose foryour marriage, one that's about
him and one that shapes thegenerations to come.
Not because you're two perfectpeople living in a perfect
(19:58):
marriage, but because you're twoflawed people who actually
claim Christ as Savior and showit.
We aren't in a position oftolerating each other, any more
than Christ is in a position oftolerating you or I.
He loves us.
What if you showed your kidsnot that they were the reason to
stay married, but that God was?
(20:19):
What if you were transparentenough to seek help, not to just
survive but to thrive?
The most difficult part of adifficult marriage is the ways
we become experts at minimizing,rationalizing and then
pretending when the realityshould force us as professing
Christians, to take somebiblically supported actions,
(20:40):
but we don't.
We believe the lies, andeventually we notice sarcasm in
many of our interactions witheach other, and a passive
neglect becomes the mode ofchoice.
You choose to be elsewhereduring your free time.
Your work life becomes youracceptable escape, so you spend
too much time there.
You self-medicate bycontrolling what you can when
(21:02):
you're at home to create a safespace for yourself and your kids
to live in.
This lie.
You focus on the kids and theiractivities.
To create a safe space foryourself and your kids to live
in.
This lie.
You focus on the kids and theiractivities, or you always have
the kids with you to avoidfocused alone time with your
husband or your wife.
You go to bed significantlyearlier or later than your wife
to avoid intimacy.
You cultivate an environment ofconstant subconscious distance.
(21:23):
You live separate lives, buttogether, and the kids feel all
this.
They just don't know what it is.
What it becomes, though, istheir understanding of how to
experience and express love whenthe kids leave.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
it's not time to go self-serve.
What a marriage myth that is.
You should be prepared for anincrease in serving God in your
upcoming empty nest.
It's not a season of life forit to finally be all about you.
Speaker 3 (21:50):
Let your kids see redemption now, and then let
them see a legacy, as twoChristian parents show that our
lives are ultimately meant toserve Christ throughout all of
our days.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Don't let your love be temporary.
Don't let your marriage be onthe chopping block.
Speaker 3 (22:06):
Make the investment and, in doing so, gain the
wisdom that comes with age.
Gain what's valuable in livingout faith and making disciples
of your grandchildren.
Build a marriage between twoimperfect people, as we're
called to do, and then use itand share it For the hope of our
marriage and to give hope tothe next generation.
(22:27):
We've got to choose to breakthe generational curses that
marriage myths create.
We've got to give our kids andour kids' kids a model for how
to make those difficult maritaldecisions.
We've got to choose not toshield them from pain but to
help them biblically cope withit in a way that shows them that
hope is not lost.
(22:49):
We've got to choose to showthem how to love eternally and
unconditionally and not just outof obligation.
That's not how Jesus loves youand I.
He is passionate for you.
What I've come to understand byreading Deuteronomy 6 is that
it's not my job to give my kidsa burden-free life that does not
(23:12):
show them the hope and thepower of Jesus Christ.
I'm not called to shield themfrom the volatility that comes
from an imperfect marriagebetween two sinners.
Actually, it's my job to bereal about these challenges and
then show them how to navigateit with the hope and the love
that we find in the gospel ofJesus Christ.
I don't want you to stay livinga marriage myth proficiently
(23:33):
functioning.
I want you to live for Christ,to call sin what it is and to
deal with it head on.
Don't let years of cumulativesarcasm and emotional stuffing
erode your legacy.
Don't let the marriage mythsrun you ragged until all you
have left is varying levels oftoxicity for everyone to see.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
As we wrap up here on Vows to Keep Radio, don't fall
prey to the myth that you aren'tbelieving any marriage myths,
because we all need to line upwhat we believe with God's word.
If you missed any of thisfour-part series on marriage
myths, where we cover almost adozen of them, listen to each
part on VowsToKeepcom.
Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on theDonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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