From Battlefield to Ally: Transforming Your Marriage :: [Ep. 293]

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.

Speaker 2 (00:24):
If the battle lines are drawn within your home, your
marriage.
Join us today on Vows to KeepRadio, as we have a conversation
about how to change from a warin your marriage to a war for
your marriage.
We'll unpack what thedifference is, as well as why
being content with the statusquo probably doesn't fulfill the
higher calling God has for yourmarriage.
God is more than able to changethe fights from within to two

(00:47):
allies working together againstsin, full of grace.
How?
The answer in today's episodeof Vows to Keep Radio, the show
where you get sound biblicalcounsel you can apply
immediately to your marriage.
We're your hosts, David andTracy, Sellers of Vows to Keep.
We're biblical marriagecounselors, authors, teachers,
podcast hosts, radio hosts andconference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse

(01:08):
and for God, you are definitelyin the right place.

Speaker 3 (01:12):
So the question, Tracy, we're wrestling with is
are you at war in your marriageor are you at war for your
marriage?
Maybe you're not sure.
Well, let's talk through it.
Some of us know we didn't marrythe perfect spouse.
Wars and marriage start overthe littlest battles.
Some of you carefully pinch andfold the toothpaste roll in a

(01:33):
methodical way.
No toothpaste left behind,that's the motto.
The cap goes on to ensure it'shermetically sealed and others
just kind of squeeze it out.
They waste the leftovers thecap has been lost after the
first use and they throw it inthe drawer.

Speaker 2 (01:49):
Let's talk toilet paper.
Who's a top feeder, who's abottom feeder?

Speaker 3 (01:55):
Do you agree on what time to go to bed and what night
lights to leave on?
Kids always complicate that one.
We sometimes fight about thecorrect way to load the
dishwasher.

Speaker 2 (02:06):
Yeah, my way is right .

Speaker 3 (02:08):
We war in marriage about the right way to drive.

Speaker 2 (02:10):
We war in marriage about where to spend the
holidays.

Speaker 3 (02:14):
We war in marriage about leaving clutter around the
house.
We war in marriage about eatingthe other person's leftovers.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
We war in marriage with a husband who's just
listening, as opposed to being ahusband who's solving.

Speaker 3 (02:27):
We wore in marriage about the TV volume, about where
the shoes go, about wet spongesin the sink, about checking
phones at dinner, and now it'sthat time of year that we wore
in marriage about thetemperature to set the
thermostat on.
This is war in your marriage.
It's me wanting to serve me.

(02:48):
It's me wanting you to serve me.
War for your marriage lookslike this, and before I tell you
this story, I want to sharethat every story we're going to
tell are from real people.
However, these scenariosrepresent dozens of people.
In fact, it may even be a storyyou can relate with personally.
We're going to call the firstcouple, greg and Sandy.

(03:10):
Their marriage had a history ofsome challenges and eventually
had a lot of sexual isolation.
So Greg turns to porn, and youcan see my point.
This happens to a lot of people.
Now.
He doesn't want to be caught byhis wife, so he uses his work
computer and he gets caught byhis job.
Well, of course, he then loseshis job.

(03:31):
There's no way to explain theloss of his job, though, to
everyone who's curious, becauseoutwardly he's competent, he's
dedicated.
There's no way to deny thefacts.
It's a very public blow forGreg and Sandy.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
We sit down with this couple and she asks this
question have you ever tried tohave sex with someone that you
hate?
Her husband was saying thewords.
I'm sorry, but eventually thosewords had very little meaning
to her.
She was asking the question doI have the biblical right to
leave him?
Our challenge was to ask adifferent question.
Would she be willing to notcount the cost, but rather to

(04:07):
make an investment?
Would she work on building abiblically healthy marriage that
would eventually lead to asexually healthy marriage?

Speaker 3 (04:14):
Now to the husband.
We talked about repentance andI said I know you think you've
done this verbally in some ways,but putting it into writing is
going to open up some time foryou to actually think about it
and, more importantly, to backup your statements with
scripture.
So, greg, be thoughtful aboutthe words you use.
And I want to say this thisisn't just for Greg.

(04:37):
You can fight for your marriagetoday with a right heart,
whether you're at war over thetoilet paper roll or the big
stuff like Greg was dealing with.
If it's me pushing for myagenda, if it's centered in
selfishness, it is sin.
Now, the serious and big sinsand the little sins they both
need repentance.

(04:57):
So let's take a minute and walkthrough how to fight for your
marriage with repentance.
Now, to be clear, conviction ofsin is not repentance.
Repentance includes conviction.
But as a sinner, you can bedeeply convicted and still not
repent.
Felix is an illustration ofthis.
We find that in Acts 24.
Sorrow for sin is notrepentance.

(05:18):
It's possibly deeply sorry andyet not yield to repentance.
Look up 2 Corinthians 7.9 andwhat you're going to notice is
that sorrow actually leads torepentance.
So that's an important note.
Hatred of sin is not repentanceeither.
Repentance certainly includesthis.
But it's possible to hate sinand not turn from it.

(05:40):
And I think every time we seeour spouse's sin, of course we
hate it.
I'd argue nobody can repentwithout hating sin.
But hating sin alone is notrepentance, because your hatred
of your spouse's sin doesnothing for their repentance.
Promising to be better is notrepentance.
Many people make a lifelonghabit of doing just this.
It's not just putting thosesins at arm's length, but still

(06:03):
wanting the fruit of them.
You've got to deal with theroot of the sin.
I will do it God's way.
It's a change of feeling.
It's an emotional experience.
It's a change of purpose, achange of will.
It's a change of conduct.
It's a moral experience.
Repentance is not one of thesethings.

(06:24):
It's all of it combinedtogether.
Repentance results in a changeof mind.
The change of mind involved intrue repentance is so radical
that, as a sinner, it changes myattitude completely.
It changes how I think aboutGod.
It changes how I think aboutsin and even how I think about
myself.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
Repentance is a divine gift.
The gift of repentance is seenin the preaching of the gospel.
When we look up Acts 2, 38through 41.
The goodness of God leads me torepentance.
Romans 2, 4 tells us this.
When we consider the love ofGod, especially the gift of his
son who went to the cross for us, then we are brought to

(07:04):
repentance.
1 Peter 2, 24.
God uses the effects of thewars in our marriage to bring us
to a point where we wantsomething different.
Trials are instruments in thehands of God for bringing men
and women to repentance,bringing them to himself.

Speaker 3 (07:20):
And for Greg as we work through repentance.
We also talked aboutaccountability, about taking
initiative to find work andbeing honest with that future
employer, owning it but clearlynot being defined by it anymore.

Speaker 2 (07:34):
And for Sandy.
We talked about how to fightfor her marriage, and that for
her began with forgiveness, andthat might be where it begins
with you today.
Forgiveness starts with belief.
That leads to decision, thatleads to a change in our actions
and our attitude and that leadsto the emotion that we were
looking for originally to startthe process of forgiveness in

(07:54):
the first place.
Most people wait for theemotion before they forgive, but
emotion is the result, not thestarting point.
We challenged Sandy to go buildup her husband as a helpmate to
him, versus publicly orprivately shaming him.
She needed to stopconversations that were
declaring things were just hisfault.
She needs to stopconsiderations of ending the

(08:14):
marriage absolved of wrongdoing.
War for your marriage is acommand to us as believers.
War for your marriage is acovenant lived out.
War for your marriage is aninvestment made here with
treasures laid up in heaven.

Speaker 3 (08:30):
Now let's contrast that with war in your marriage,
because it has costs as well.
But there's no gain, there's nofruit, and it's kind of funny
when you see people that arestill fighting, even through a
divorce.
It took the couple an hour anda half to split their personal

(08:52):
property, including theirretirement accounts, their real
estate and even the custody oftheir six-month-old son.
The rest of the day they had,four hours with an attorney, was
spent arguing about how tosplit time with the dog For the
kid they literally put as agreedupon by parties, but the dog

(09:12):
had a strict calendar, workingout holidays and strict pickup
and drop-off times, and she wasconvinced he'd put the dog down.
And he's saying listen, no, thedog.
Dogs are man's best friend, notwomen's.
So this case goes to trial overthe dog.
They fought harder for a dogthan they did their marriage.

(09:33):
They fought more for whatserved them in the joy of that
dog than what served God throughthe resurrection of their
marriage.
They wasted tens of thousandsof dollars focused on the wrong
point.
Why did they do it?
It's a mystery.
The truth, though, is whatmatters to us is visible inside

(09:54):
our homes, it's in our decisions, it's in our conversations, our
attitudes, because when you'rehelping me to achieve what I
want, you're an ally, you're anasset, but when you're an
obstacle to me getting in theway of what I want, you become
the enemy.
It's tempting to focus on whatbreaks us apart, whether it's

(10:14):
the little things or the bigthings, but can I challenge you
to think about why God createdyour marriage in the first place
?

Speaker 2 (10:23):
We asked the question why should I fight for my
marriage when I don't see thepurpose, when all I feel is
burned out?
David talked about the wordmystery a few minutes ago.
Let's dig into that a littlebit.
Mystery in the New Testamentonly rarely refers to what we
might think of as mystery,something curious that remains
puzzling or uncertain.
Rather, mystery in the NewTestament means what was hidden

(10:43):
in the past, but it's now beenrevealed in light of Christ's
coming.
Mystery is not a secret to keep,but a truth to tell.
Let's look at two of Paul'sexamples.
The first one is in Colossians,chapter one.
He says I rejoice in what I'msuffering for.
I'm suffering for you.
I've become the church's servantby the commission that God gave

(11:03):
me.
I want to present to you theword of God in all of its
fullness, the mystery that'sbeen kept hidden for ages and
generations but now has beendisclosed to the Lord's people,
that's us as believers.
He says to them God has chosento make known among the Gentiles
the glorious riches of thismystery which is Christ in you,
the hope of glory.
When someone sees you acting inlove, they see Jesus.

(11:27):
He is the one we proclaim.
Paul goes on to say admonishingand teaching everyone with all
wisdom so that we may presenteveryone fully mature in Christ.
Mystery is not a secret to keep, but a truth to tell.
Here's an important side noteyour suffering might not come in
the form of being in prisonlike Paul.
It'll probably come in the formof your flesh dying, your wants

(11:49):
, your dreams, your preferencesbeing crucified.
Paul felt suffering was part ofhis commission, and Jesus tells
us it's part of ours as well.

Speaker 3 (11:58):
Now Ephesians 5.31 talks about another mystery.
It says Therefore, a man shallleave his father and mother and
hold fast to his wife, and thetwo shall become one flesh.
This mystery is profound, andI'm saying that it refers to
Christ and the church.
Wait, what If the mystery thatthis is talking about isn't kind

(12:19):
of the classic boy meets girl.
The stars align.
There's love at first sight,romantic love story that we so
classically admire.
What is it?
What's the mystery?
Let's think about it this wayas long as we can look back in
history, all over the worldpeople married and were given in
marriage.
It's been happening acrosscultures and societies.
People have felt a pull not tojust have kids but to actually

(12:42):
commit in marriage, and forgenerations they probably didn't
even know God's deeper reasonwhy Mysteries often have value.
There's a treasure.
If you knew the mystery held areward for you, wouldn't you
pursue it?

Speaker 2 (12:57):
Let's look at one of Jesus' teachings from Matthew,
chapter 13.
He's talking about this greatmystery.
The kingdom of heaven is like atreasure hidden in a field.
When a man found it, he hid itagain and then, in his joy, went
and sold all he had and hebought that field Again.
The kingdom of heaven is like amerchant looking for fine

(13:18):
pearls.
When he found one of greatvalue, he went away and sold
everything he had and bought it.

Speaker 3 (13:22):
Now Paul is not saying the mystery is too
profound to understand.
He's not approaching somemarriage ambiguity.
He is declaring a powerful,clear, compelling truth to tell
Be all in.
The mystery, long hidden, isnow public.
Human marriage points to acovenant God in love with a

(13:45):
flawed people.
We're to pursue with all wehave.
Risk, all you have.
Your marriage is of great value.
The marriage comparison toChrist in the church is not a
secret to keep.
It is a truth to tell.
But there is indeed some greatmysteries to marriage.
Why did God design the worldthis way?
Why two sexes?
Why one male and one female?
Why is one called to lead, toprovide, to protect and shoulder

(14:08):
final responsibility, with theother called to actively receive
, to beautify, to strengthen, tohumbly initiate care?
Why is it a dance between twodifferent roles, rather than
just two of the same?
God made your marriage and thisdesign for a reason.
We find here the same patternwe've seen elsewhere.

(14:28):
A mystery in the past has nowbecome known.
With the coming of Christ,god's greatest secrets are out,
and one of the best is marriageOne man, one woman and a
covenant for life.
Why did God choose to do this?
Your marriage was not createdfor the purpose of your pleasure
.
It was created to tell theworld, starting with your spouse

(14:51):
, who Jesus is and his deep lovefor them.
What we're talking about hereis your purpose as a husband.
You're called to lay down yourlife, to set your preferences
aside, like Christ did, and togive, without regard for how it
will return to you, a model ofChrist's love for his bride, the
church.
That is the great mystery inaction.

Speaker 2 (15:14):
Knowing our purpose as a wife is so powerful to
fighting for our marriages.
As wives, we are called to lovelike Christ loved.
We're called to submit likeChrist did to his father.
We're called to help and buildup like Christ does for his
church.
Purpose is what enables us toset aside the fight for what we
want, to fight for what Godintended A relationship that

(15:35):
glorifies him and shows God'slove to our spouse in every
moment of every day.
Take this home with you today.
War in your marriage puts yourpurpose on display.
War for your marriage putsGod's purpose on display.
We all have sin affecting ourmarriages, and infidelity is a
really common thing that we see.
The next story I'm going totell you is really multiple

(15:56):
people's stories.
Let's talk about Jeff andJane's for just a moment here.
It was the second marriage foreach of them and, as you can
imagine, mistrust was already aseed that had been planted
before they even met.
They've been married six, sevenyears now and they're just
going through the motions.
Jeff meets some friends who takehim to church and before long
he gives his life to the Lord.
He starts changing things intheir home no more parties, no

(16:19):
more drugs, no more alcohol.
But Jane's not there yet.
She hooks up with a guy who'sliving on the edge.
He makes her feel alive.
But Jeff finds out and nowshe's trapped in a lie.
God uses this sin to help Janesee that she needs Jesus.
She's spiritually dead, so shegives her life to the Lord.
Praise God.
But Jeff's studying the Bibleand he's realizing that he's

(16:41):
permitted to divorce her becauseof what she's done.
But his Christian friends aretelling him now is the time to
lean into her man, now's thetime to be like Jesus.
But his flesh is saying makeher pay.
And for months this is hangingin the air between them.
His wife is carrying the weightof unforgiveness into every
interaction they have.
A conversation can only go sofar.
When unforgiveness is loomingin between them, she can't see

(17:05):
how to move forward.
Neither can he.

Speaker 3 (17:08):
Jeff didn't grow up in a church.
He'd only been saved a fewmonths.
He knew God's grace covered hissin.
Could he be a living testimonyand extend the same grace to his
wife?
I know seasoned Christians whoneed to wrestle with this same
lesson.
They love God's grace forthemselves, but could they share
it with someone who's wrongedthem deeply?

(17:28):
These might be stories likeyour own, or maybe you're not in
a bad place in your marriage,but can I challenge you to step
past a place of contentment forhow your marriage is blessing
you and lean into what it willtake to testify about what Jesus
is doing in your life and yourmarriage.

Speaker 2 (17:45):
Problems in my marriage and the pride in
wanting to keep them secretkeeps me from the very people
that God has given to be a partof mentorship and accountability
for me in my life.
When I hold tight to my prideand my isolation, it's really
depressing and it becomes allconsuming.
Satan locks me in my own littleself-made jail.
I've got someone really closeto me in my family whose

(18:06):
marriage has been bound by this.
My marriage has been bound bythis at times.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
Marriage defines and protects the most influential
human relationship.
God says your wife should bemore influential than your mom
and your dad, more influentialthan the kids that come from
your marriage, as precious asthey are, more influential than
any best friend.
And God declared this.
Don't miss this.
He's the one who did thejoining.
In Matthew 19, jesus talksabout this principle of leaving

(18:35):
your father and mother, and hequotes Genesis 2.24.
He says what God has joinedtogether, let no man separate.
So Jesus makes it very clearit's God.
But he also makes thisdeclaration no one separates
these two.
I built this.
It is a display of my love.
When we're at war in ourmarriage for what I want, guess

(18:57):
what?
I'm the one doing theseparating and God doesn't bless
us.
I can't tell you how many timesI've seen people pleading in
prayer for relief, for distancefrom their spouse and all of the
effects of their sin.
But you know what God made youone.
You're not there because it'seasy.
You're there because yourspouse wasn't designed to do
battle with this sin alone.

(19:17):
This means that you've got towatch what are the lies they're
believing in real time.
Can you show them how God feelsabout them?
This is not easy.
You're going to experiencesuffering when your spouse's sin
affects your life and you speaklove to them on Jesus' behalf.
It will be frustrating, it willtake energy you don't have, but
it will be something you cangladly do because you have

(19:40):
experienced God's love and youwant your spouse to know that
love as well.
I want to make something reallyclear that could be confusing
for some listeners.
I'm not saying that marriageshould be peaceful and whoever
brings up the hard topics is thebad guy.
That is not separating.
Separating is knowing thingsaren't good and preferring the
silence.
Jesus has a higher calling foryour marriage.

(20:02):
So what do you need to do ifyou need change, if you see that
you've not been fighting foryour marriage?
You've been fighting in yourmarriage.

Speaker 2 (20:11):
First of all, you need to repent, like we talked
about earlier, Even if you seeyou only own 5% of the wrong, be
specific about what you'reasking for forgiveness for and
don't blame shift to them fortheir 95% In fact.
Don't even bring it up.
Forgive your spouse for thingsthey may not even seek
forgiveness about.
You can tell them, but there isvalue in doing so without

(20:32):
telling them to Let your actionsspeak.
You need a bold, confidentfaith to suffer while doing good
, and God will give you that Towork for your marriage.
You need to show Christ's loveto your spouse when it's least
deserved.
Suffering for doing gooddoesn't sound like a skill that
I want to perfect.
The Bible clearly points outthat mature Christians have
mastered the ability to joyfullygive while standing in the fire

(20:55):
.

Speaker 3 (20:57):
You need to see the bigger picture purpose for your
marriage.
It's not about you.
We have a higher calling.
You want your kids to know God.
Show them his power enables youto fulfill his purpose.
Next, get truth.
Get educated on God's word.
Study the scriptures aboutGod's character.
We've got a number ofbroadcasts that you can listen
to.
Feel free to email us atresources, at vows, to keepcom,

(21:21):
and mention this broadcast.
Get real with the body of Christ, not by going and dumping all
of your woes on someone.
This is not about venting.
I'm, in fact, being very clearhere.
I don't want you to gossip.
This isn't about going tocomplain.
This is about sharing yourstruggles with the purpose of
changing your heart to be ableto follow Christ's instruction.

(21:44):
A teachable heart is one thatseeks to be godly and fights for
your marriage.
Finally, don't let Satan haveyou or your spouse or your
marriage.
Micah 7 and 8 has a passage Ilove.
It says I want to close withthis I will rise Though I sit in

(22:09):
the darkness, the Lord will bemy light.
I want to close with this.
While being inducted into thePentagon's Hall of Heroes, army
Staff Sergeant David Boliviaissued a warning to anyone who
might want to go toe-to-toe withthe United States.
He said they're watching ourevery move.
They may be watching this rightnow.
He spoke of his troops this way.
He said it doesn't matter ifyour dad left you millions when

(22:31):
you died or if you even knew whoyour father was.
We have been honed into amachine of lethal moving parts
that you would be wise to avoidif you know what's good for you.
We will not be intimidated.
We will not back down.
We've seen war.
We don't want war, but if youwant war with the united states
of america, there is one thing Icould promise you.

(22:54):
So help me god.
Someone else will raise yoursons and daughters.
We fight so our children neverhave to.
We fight so that anyone outthere thinking about raising
arms against our citizensrealizes the futility of going
against a disciplined,professional and lethal force

(23:15):
built to withstand anything youcan dream of throwing at us.
What a powerful statement.
You see, in your marriage, yourspouse has an enemy too.
His name is Satan, and he'swanting to go toe-to-toe with
them.
You are their godly appointedally.
Satan watches.
His goal isn't to kill per sebut, as Christians, to make our

(23:38):
lives tell a lie.
He doesn't want husbands wholove, like Christ.
He doesn't want wives whosubmit like the church.
He doesn't want your marriageto tell those who see it about a
Jesus who saves.
Satan knows weakness,temptation are his tools.
Can he make you selfish enoughto create tension in your
marriage?
Make no mistake, we will alwaysbe at war.

(24:03):
Those who are at war in theirmarriage, they rarely make it.
But those who fight for theirmarriage, who leave a legacy
their children will build upon.

Speaker 1 (24:15):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much needed services,

(24:39):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio

(24:59):
.