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July 14, 2025 24 mins

Joy in Marriage :: [Ep. 277]

Joy in marriage isn't just for personal happiness but serves as a powerful testimony for Christ, showing others the benefits of following God. When couples follow God's design, their relationship becomes a living demonstration of God's undeserved love to a world that desperately needs to see it.

In this week's episode, we are covering the following:

• Why marriage is often reduced to roommates working through tasks rather than experiencing God's joy
• Christians frequently portray following God as difficult with little joy, making faith unattractive to others
• Learning from King Solomon who warns against worldly pursuits and encourages rejoicing in your spouse
• How Biblical marriage provides tangible language to explain Christ's love for the church
• Redemption in marriage isn't dismantling God's created order but recovering it

We hope as you listen, you are encouraged and blessed!


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For episode transcripts, click HERE.

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Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.

Speaker 2 (00:22):
Are you missing the winsome joy your marriage used
to have?
Did you know that joy in yourmarriage is more meaningful than
just for your happiness?
A marriage done God's wayresults in a joyful husband and
a joyful wife who are, straightup, a walking testimony for
Jesus.
Find out how this is possiblein today's episode of Vows to
Keep Radio, the show where youget sound biblical counsel you

(00:45):
can apply immediately to yourmarriage.
We're your hosts, david andTracy.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, davidand I are biblical marriage
counselors, authors, teachers,radio hosts and conference
speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.

Speaker 3 (01:03):
People typecast Tracy and I.
We're always holding hands.
We kiss without regard, inpublic, in front of our kids at
home, it doesn't matter.
So people think we have theperfect marriage.
We always must be having fun.
Right, the truth is, we worklong hours working with couples
who are often at their lowestpoint.

(01:25):
Joy is actually something wehave to make margin for.
We're both sinners, we're bothselfish.
We're also both deep thinkersand this actually leaves us
often with heavy hearts.
And when I first met Tracy, Iwas blown away.
I loved how she saw the goodthings, the stuff I constantly

(01:47):
missed, like sunrises and fullmoons and the North Star, and I
was completely blown away that,as a chick, she loved fast
muscle cars and curvy canyonroads like Spearfish Canyon.
But you know what?
Even the secular world seesthese good things.
Go look at any generic worldlywebsite and they'll speak of how

(02:09):
great the sun and the moon andthe stars and fast cars are.
But it breaks my heart thatwhat they see is the creation
and not the creator.
They see Mother Earth, they seea Big Bang.

Speaker 2 (02:23):
God actually designed so many things for pleasure.
Sunrises are amazing holdingDavid's hand, Full moons are
amazing on a walk together inthe dark.
God made sexual unity inmarriage to be enjoyed.
God made marriage to bring thebond of a best friend.
He made horses, dogs, cats somany things that we enjoy.
So the point is that God gaveus many gifts simply for our

(02:43):
pleasure, and we miss them allthe time.
Instead, we're downtrodden withthe weight of sin.
It's everywhere.

Speaker 3 (02:51):
The crazy thing is, the world doesn't really want to
call sin what?
it is when we understand it aswe should.
As believers, we live indisappointment with how much sin
stinks.
A husband recently shared howhis wife broke his heart when

(03:19):
she crushed him with disrespect,With concern he was
highlighting a sin risk that hesaw in her life and, out of
rebellion, she did the verything he asked her not to do.
And we see all the time thatour marriages can basically be
reduced to two roommates workingthrough a list of tasks and we

(03:39):
focus on efficiency.
Right, it's who's going to runthe kids here, who's going to
get the groceries there, who'sgoing to be at work and when.
And it has its effects.
And we see those effectsoutside our home too.
Walk around any community and,as believers, our hearts should
ache for the brokenness we see.
It's because we know it doesn'thave to be this way.

(04:02):
Problems are everywhere inevery person's life, I know,
including mine.
Romans 7, Paul speaks straightto my heart.
In verse 15, he says I do notunderstand what I do, For what I
want to do I do not do, butwhat I hate I do.
Continuing in verse 18, it saysfor I have the desire to do

(04:25):
what is good, but I can't carryit out, For I do not do the good
I want to do, but the evil I donot want to do.
This I keep on doing.
Now, if I do what I do not wantto do, it is no longer I who do
it, but it is the sin living inme that does it.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
When was the last time you had a great seven-day
stretch where joy was on yourlips every single day, a great
month where you were overwhelmedwith God's gifts.
You know what?
I don't know either.
The problem isn't just that weare struggling to see God's
goodness.
It goes further than that.
We have marriages without thelight of Christ.

Speaker 3 (05:05):
And we're not saying that you're not a believer.
We'll unpack this in a fewminutes.
But I believe the purpose ofmarriage is to put God's
undeserved love on display to aworld that desperately needs to
know about it, so that thosepeople would become Christians,
so that they would join thechurch.
The irony is this we fail atthat simply because we are all

(05:27):
really displaying the cost offollowing the Lord, and rarely
do we put on display in ourmarriages the benefits of
following the Lord.

Speaker 2 (05:37):
We act, so put out about everything that comes at a
cost.
I know I do.
We are such whiners.
Having this kind of complaining, negative, in constant pain
disposition isn't winsome.
It actually casts a shadow onthe reflection of who we're
intended to be.

Speaker 3 (05:53):
When I was 18, I had this freshman college dorm RA.
He was a very worldly guy who,after hearing me talk about oh,
how terrible the loneliness wasthat I felt and how much I wish
to have a girlfriend, he said,David, that long face won't win
you a girlfriend.
It might win you five secondsof sympathy if you were lucky,

(06:13):
if she's willing to listen atall.

Speaker 2 (06:15):
I so wish we could have met as college freshmen
rather than college seniors,David.

Speaker 3 (06:19):
Me too, and we do this as Christians.
We want the chance to witnessto an unsafe co-worker whose
marriage is breaking and we sowant to help them to know Christ
.
But if they know we're aChristian and what they've seen
is our lives constantly unhappy,your body language, your words,
your actions saying thatfollowing the Lord is terribly

(06:40):
hard and there is no joy.
I have to give up everything.
It's so hard, it's so stressful.
I don't even feel like I'msucceeding most of the time.

Speaker 2 (06:50):
In other words, we're being self-defeating.

Speaker 3 (06:53):
Exactly Knowing that we're Christians.
Anyone watching would easilypair the misery and the sadness
with our faith and have noreason to want what we have Let
that sink in, just like when myfreshman RA gave me a pep talk
as a Christian.
Too often all we can see is ourcurrent state of misery.

Speaker 2 (07:17):
The problem for us Christians isn't so much about
giving up everything, because wedon't typically live in
self-sacrifice mode.
It's more about a lack of thefruit of the Spirit.
When we're led by our flesh,like Galatians 5 talks about,
we're still serving ourselvesrather than serving one another
in love.
We're backbiting each other anddestroying relationships based

(07:37):
on our preferences.
We aren't loving our closestneighbor, who is our spouse, as
ourselves and sadly it's reallyobvious to onlookers we are
lovers of selves.

Speaker 3 (07:47):
And so we're the people who say all the time God
is good and don't show it.
Today, I'm asking you to stopspeaking of your life and
marriage as though you're in ahostage situation.
Call sin and the threat that itis to your marriage what it is,
and then make changes to alignyour behavior with God's word.
What we've been given by God ismeant to be a testimony.

(08:09):
We, as the church, are actuallyperpetuating a lie.
Our marriage is sharing atestimony that is twisted.

Speaker 2 (08:17):
Well, god is good, he's generous.
When we do marriage his way, itis a gift and a reason we have
to be so joyful.

Speaker 3 (08:26):
We get a few reminders of this in God's word.
One guy I'd love to learn fromis King Solomon.
Now he's King David's son andit's believed that King Solomon
wrote the Song of Songs.
It's the spicy depiction of aman and a woman doing what
lovers do, and I think Godincluded this text in the Bible
because he invented sex to be agood time, and it's really

(08:49):
described that way.
It's a little risque.
King Solomon also is known asthe wisest guy on earth.
He wrote another book that Ienjoy, proverbs, and this
actually we're going to bepicking up in chapter five.
He's speaking to younger meninitially.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
Proverbs 5.1 starts with my son, be attentive to my
wisdom, incline your ear to myunderstanding that you may keep
discretion and your lips mayguard knowledge.
For the lips of a forbiddenwoman drip honey and her speech
is smoother than oil, but in theend she is bitter as wormwood,
sharp as a two-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death, hersteps follow to the path of

(09:26):
Sheol.
She does not ponder the path oflife, her ways wander and she
does not know it.
And now, o sons, listen to meand do not depart from the words
of my mouth.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
King Solomon is talking about the risks of going
the way of the world.
Here.
We know this is true.
Look around.
When we follow our flesh, wecan see the pain of lust,
pornography, sexually perverserelationships.
These leave people broken.
So many great passages teach usabout this, but the world still

(09:56):
denies this as true.
I remember talking to a manwe'll call him Tony who had
siblings all from different dads, very rough growing up years
Now.
As an adult dad, tony nowhimself couldn't wrap his brain
around the cost of his dad'schoices.
And now here he is, the onerepeating this history of

(10:20):
selfish decisions.
Himself he was struggling withbeing faithful.
Would he give up the drugs?
Would he give up the selfishpursuits for pleasure?
His wife wasn't enough of aconvincing argument at this
point.
Now, if King Solomon would havebeen there, he would have had
some words for Tony and for youand for I.
He would say I've had it all,I've seen it all, I've indulged

(10:44):
in it all.
It's not going to fulfill youlike you think.
It will Just give it time.
Solomon continues in verse 8,keep your way far from her,
don't go near the door of herhouse, lest you give your honor
to others and your years to themerciless, lest strangers take

(11:04):
their fill of your strength.
And at the end of your life youwill groan when your flesh and
body are consumed and you willsay how I hated discipline and
my heart despised reproof.
I did not listen to the voiceof my teachers or incline my ear
to my instructors.
I am at the brink of utter ruin.
Verse 14 says you see,suffering for doing wrong is

(11:27):
much higher than we realize.
This is basically a cause andeffect.
It's a consequence thing.
Doing it God's way is actuallyvery beneficial, but Satan
doesn't want us to proclaimGod's goodness.
The world doesn't want to evenacknowledge that sin has
consequences.
Let me level set with you.
When we talk with our kidsabout sex and we've got three

(11:49):
teenagers I make it a veryspecific point to share God's
gift, god's goodness, withinmarriage to our kids.
They see Tracy and I'senthusiasm for each other.
They see us flirt, they see uskiss, they see us touch.
If you want your sons anddaughters to follow God's sexual
plan for their life, you haveto realize that Hugh Hefner and

(12:14):
the YouTube influencers, theTikTok stars, guess what?
They are full of direct andindirect relationship advice.
Those temptations will lookgood.
They will look like a world ofevidence that God's way is
simply going to leave your sonand daughter without your
marriage is meant to refute thislie.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
King Solomon's advice for us continues in verse 15.
Drink water from your owncistern, flowing water from your
own.
Well, I hope you can readbetween the lines there.
Should your springs bescattered abroad, streams of
water in the streets?
This is a direct reference toonly indulging in sex within
your own marriage, and he askedthe question would you let sex
outside of marriage devalue yourmarriage?

(12:58):
He continues in verse 17,.
Let them be for yourself aloneand not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessedand rejoice in the wife of your
youth.
Solomon is saying go, have funwith your bride.

Speaker 3 (13:11):
In order to understand this whole water
analogy, I think we have to putourselves back in the time when
these words were written.
Water wasn't something that wasjust on tap.
Imagine being thirsty back whenSolomon wrote this.
Water was precious.
It was held in cisterns and youknow what?
I actually had one of thesewhen I was growing up.
I grew up in northern Wyoming inan area which was basically

(13:33):
high country desert.
My dad, several times a week,would drive from our property
out in the country to thenearest town to haul water.
We had this big truck with athousand gallon tank on the back
and that sounds like a lot ofwater, but let me tell you it is
not.
We never left the water runningwhen brushing our teeth.
We showered when our parentsthought we needed it and let me

(13:54):
tell you, that really made foran interesting dynamic.
When I got to middle school.
God was just protecting me foryou, tracy, this was just normal
for me.
And then I remember going to afriend's house.
I was a teenager and I wentthere to spend the night and he
took a shower that night andthen again the next morning and

(14:14):
I'm talking long showers he leftthe water running till it was
cold before he filled a glasswhen he was getting a drink.
He left the water running whenhe was brushing his teeth.
All things, sadly, I do thosethings today, but the contrast
would have been much more starkback in Solomon's day.
Even my approach to water,growing up in Wyoming, would

(14:37):
have been totally impossible.
They didn't have plumbing.
They didn't have pumps.
Water was not taken for grantedlike it is today.
They didn't have pumps.
Water was not taken for grantedlike it is today.
Water sustained life.
It was the perfect way to speakto the younger generation of
that day.

Speaker 2 (14:57):
Solomon is making this analogy between the
sustaining water for life to thesustaining intimacy in marriage
, and to understand the reasonSolomon was an expert.
Let's turn to 1 Kings 11.
Verse 1 says King Solomon,however, loved many foreign
women besides Pharaoh's daughterMoabites, ammonites, edomites,
sidonians and Hittites.
This is as insane as it sounds,but back in Solomon's day,
marriage was a strategic move togain favor of nearby nations.

(15:20):
Back then, marrying aneighboring nation's princess
was a great way to ensure peace.
God's not cool with this, solet me continue in verse 2.
They were from nations aboutwhich the Lord had told the
Israelites you must notintermarry with them because
they will surely turn yourhearts after their gods.
Nevertheless, solomon held fastto them in love.
Verse 3,.
He had 700 wives of royal birthand 300 concubines, and his

(15:44):
wives led him astray.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
Solomon was all the way in the extreme.
Now, in our modern datingculture, being with a couple
different sexual partners isseen as completely normal.
In fact, we were on a date twonights ago and the table next to
us was clearly a hookup date inthe making.
Now God's using the voice ofSolomon to teach us about this.
First Kings 11, verse 4continues.

(16:09):
As Solomon grew old, his wivesturned his heart after other
gods, just as God had warned,and his heart was not fully
devoted to the Lord.
As God, Ignoring what God wantscomes at a very high cost.
Think about the ripple effectsof just King Solomon's life and
all of those ladies.
So with that context, let'sfast forward down the road in

(16:33):
Solomon's life back to Proverbs.
So here's Solomon saying God'sway is best.
Rejoice in the wife of youryouth.
Verse 19 continues in Proverbs5, a lovely deer, a graceful doe
.
Let her breasts fulfill you atall times with delight.
Be intoxicated always in herlove.
Solomon's been with a thousandwomen.

(16:56):
He's done what was right in hisown eyes, Trust me.
He says rejoice in the wife ofyour youth.
Why does he say rejoice?
Because you don't rejoice inall the stuff of the world.
You don't rejoice in the pastfailed relationships.
He knows this.
We rejoice because God'sgoodness in marriage is legit.

(17:18):
Tracy knows me.
I know her.
I know when she's excited andperky, I know when she's sad,
when a long walk has needed totalk out something hard.
We have that bond of experiencetogether.
But you know what?
I know thousands of people.

Speaker 2 (17:35):
Yeah, me too.

Speaker 3 (17:36):
And while I call many people friend, only the person
I'm married to, only the personthat you're married to, knows
your heart, like you need it tobe known.

Speaker 2 (17:45):
King Solomon knows a thousand women.
He knows he actually doesn'tknow them.
This is why he asked thequestion in verse 20, why should
you be intoxicated my son witha forbidden woman and embrace
the bosom of an adulteress?
For a man's ways are before theeyes of the Lord and he ponders
all his paths.
The iniquities of the wickedensnare him and he is held fast

(18:07):
in the cords of his sin.
He dies for lack of disciplineand because of his great folly
he is led astray.

Speaker 3 (18:12):
You see, a smart man learns from his own mistakes.
A wise man learns from others,as wise as Solomon was.
He learned all of this the hardway.
He had to make the mistakes andhe speaks to them.
He begs us, the reader, to notbe just smart enough to learn
from our own mistakes, but to bewise enough to learn from his.
Don't believe the world's lies.

(18:33):
Be led by the spirit and notthe flesh.
That is where there is true joy.

Speaker 2 (18:40):
Anyone who knows Jesus as Lord knows that with
God anything is possible.
I'm a living testimony thatanything is possible.
My sins are forgiven and Idon't deserve it.
I could tell you about Jesus orI could show you I could live
the enjoyment before you.
We want to close our time todaywith Ephesians, chapter 5.

Speaker 3 (19:00):
And that's because it talks about this comparison
between Christ and the churchand this husband and wife
relationship.
On the surface it's kind ofhard to follow, but it famously
paints a picture for the purposeof marriage as it relates to
our Christianity.
It's no accident that biblicalmarriage provides tangible
language to explain Christ'sunconditional love for the

(19:25):
church.
Human marriage is the copy it'snot the original.
Ephesians is kind of seen asone of these great biblical
references about your marriage.
In chapter 5, we read of abiblical metaphor you and your
marriage are meant to live out.
Listen to Ephesians 5.1.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
Follow God's example, therefore, as dearly loved
children, and walk in the way oflove, just as Christ loved us
and gave himself up for us as afragrant offering and sacrifice
to God.
Jumping down to verse 21,submit to one another out of
reverence for Christ.
This is how we can follow God'sexample.
Right Wives, submit to your ownhusbands as you do to the Lord,
for the husband is the head ofthe wife, as Christ is the head

(20:05):
of the church, his body, ofwhich he is the Savior.
Now, as the church submits toChrist, so also wives should
submit to their husbands ineverything.
Husbands, love your wives, justas Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her to makeher holy, cleansing her by the
washing with water through theword, and to present her to
himself as a radiant churchwithout stain or wrinkle or any
other blemish, but holy andblameless.

(20:27):
In this same way, husbandsought to love their wives as
their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loveshimself.
After all, no one ever hatedtheir own body.
But they feed and care fortheir body just as Christ does
the church, for we are membersof his body.
Verse 31 says For this reason,a man will leave his father and
mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one

(20:47):
flesh.
This is a profound mystery, butI am talking about Christ and
the church.

Speaker 3 (20:52):
The reality in this metaphor is that God ordained a
permanent union between his sonand the church.
Your marriage is the earthlyimage of this divine plan.
As God desired for Christ andthe church to become one and in
love, he desires the same thingfor your marriage to reflect
this exact same pattern.
As you, as a husband and wife,become one flesh.

(21:13):
When we're there, one as acouple, as Christ is one with
his church, as Jesus is one withthe Father, there is such joy,
such winsome joy, unlikeanything else.
When our marriage has such joy,people look on with wonder.

Speaker 2 (21:33):
And when people see that joy they're going to start
to ask questions.
And all those secondary sideeffects that being godly gives
in marriage unity, friendship,sex, kindness, mercy,
forgiveness.
They point people to Jesus.
Our faces wear it, our bodylanguage shows it, our kids see
it and so do our coworkers.
Faces wear it, our bodylanguage shows it, our kids see

(21:53):
it and so do our coworkers.
You might say but hey, didn'tthe fall ruin the harmony of
marriage because it twisted ahusband's loving headship into
hostile domination and lazyindifference?
And didn't the fall twist awoman's intelligent, willing
submission into manipulativeobstinance, a fight for control
that constantly divides?
Yes, it's true, the fall stillaffects us today.
But don't miss the point.

(22:13):
The redemption we anticipatewith the coming of Christ is not
the dismantling of the createdorder of loving headship and
willing submission, but arecovery of it.
This is precisely what we findin the passage I just read from
Ephesians 5, 21-33.
Wives redeem your fallensubmission by modeling it after
God's intention for the church.

(22:34):
Husbands redeem your fallenheadship by modeling it after
God's intention for Christ.

Speaker 3 (22:40):
Husbands.
This chapter is about marriage,but let's hear our part.
Christ is loving the churchdeeply.
He dies for his bride, thechurch.
This action results in thesaving, undeserved love that we
enjoy as believers, and it willhave the same powerful impact on
your marriage too.
Ephesians 5.32 is talking aboutthis profound mystery.

(23:02):
As I said, tracy and I have towork hard to be joyful.
Can I ask you to join us thatwe would be a people who see our
lack of joy to a correlation inhow we follow our flesh, that
we would realize what a terriblewitness our marriage might be
in our state of selfish,complaining, unforgiven

(23:23):
bitterness.
Our marriage might be in ourstate of selfish, complaining,
unforgiving bitterness.
Sin is heavy, but seekingforgiveness brings freedom.
Will you join me in trying thatin your marriage today?
You see, serving God's kingdomyields fruit.
Join us as forgiven people whocount the joy that comes from a

(23:43):
biblical marriage.
Can you blow off the things youdon't have?
Can you put a God-honoring,passionate love on display?
Can you make the fruit ofChristianity so convincing that
people would actually ask you totestify about Christ?
We do have a great fun marriage, but I hope you know it's not

(24:04):
about us, it's not even us.
It's.
Doing things God's way Createswinsome joy that others will see
as a testimony of God's lovefor them.

Speaker 1 (24:17):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,

(24:40):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
.
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