August 25, 2025 • 25 mins
Marriage Mindset Reset :: [Ep. 283]
This week, we explore how negative self-talk about our husbands can sabotage our marriages and how renewing our minds according to Romans 12:2 can bring transformation and healing to our relationships.
We will talk about the following:
• Fearful thoughts and scorekeeping thoughts often create a transactional view of marriage
• When we experience emotional pain, we can easily begin holding offenses against our spouses
• Bitterness and unforgiveness transform us from being our spouse's advocate into being their adversary
• Replace negative thinking by focusing on whatever is true, honorable, right and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8)
• Learning more about El Rachum (God of compassion) which teaches us to show compassion even when our spouse doesn't "deserve" it
• The negative consequences of drawing lines in the sand
• The effects of fear which leads to isolation which is dangerous to marriage, potentially leading to separate lives
• What ends up on our tongues first starts in our minds, so we must learn to think life
Email resource@vowstokeep.com to receive our free resource connecting God's character traits with replacement thoughts for negative thinking patterns. We hope you are blessed and encouraged as you listen!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
Apple Podcast listener? Would you consider leaving us a review, as this helps more couple's to find our resources?! Leave your review HERE.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Have thoughts like this ever entered your mind?
If he really loved me, he woulddo what I asked.
If I don't do that, he's goingto leave me.
He won't do what I asked, soyou know what I won't either.
Let's make a deal I will if youwill.
This is where I draw the line.
If someone could put a mindreading contraption on our
(00:44):
brains, this would be theprintout for a lot of us.
I didn't want to just assumethat other people were having
negative thoughts about theirhusbands, so I asked and the
responses I got were honest,they were frank and they were
quick.
My friends immediately pingedme back with their fairly
sizable list.
That's because if we stop andthink about it for a moment, we
realize yeah, this is me, I'mhaving thoughts about my husband
(01:06):
that probably don't belongToday.
On part four of your self-talkabout your husband could be
ruining your relationship.
We're going to compare thethoughts that we're having
whether they're true, partiallytrue or not true at all with the
truth of who God is.
We'll look specifically atfearful thoughts and thoughts
where our frustration, or maybeeven our scorekeeping, causes us
to draw the line.
(01:27):
Find out how you can transformyour marriage by thinking life,
renewing your mind and tuning itto understand God's perfect
will.
On today's episode of Vows toKeep Radio, the show where you
get sound biblical counsel thatyou can apply immediately to
your marriage, I'm your host,traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, davidand I are biblical marriage
(01:47):
counselors, authors, teachers,radio hosts, podcast hosts and
conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
What I'm talking about when Isay you can transform your
marriage by renewing your mindcomes from Romans 12,.
You can transform your marriageby renewing your mind comes
from Romans, chapter 12, verse 2.
(02:08):
Be transformed by the renewingof your mind.
Then you'll be able to test andapprove what God's will is his
good, pleasing and perfect will.
This is a passage that'sfamiliar to a lot of us, but I
don't think I've ever applied itto my marriage.
Like ever have you Renew mymind and experience
transformation in my marriage?
Now, that's intriguing.
All over God's word, I see thathe really does care what's
(02:30):
going on in my mind.
He tells us what shouldn't begoing through our heads.
He tells us what to dwell on,what to fix our thoughts on and
what to fill our minds with whatwe think matters to him,
because, even though somethoughts are going to go in one
ear and out the other, he knowsthere's going to be ones that we
dwell on and those are the onesthat take root in our hearts.
And God is always after ourhearts to make us more like him,
(02:54):
to change the way we think, soour very lives will be changed.
What are the thoughts you'vebeen having about your marriage
lately?
If I asked you to put a dot ona line that represented the
average of your thought lifeabout your marriage, where would
you peg yourself?
Would you say?
Your thoughts are generally onthe positive side, with some
negativity mixed in.
Do constant thoughts about yourspouse's shortcomings put you
(03:16):
on the other side of the scale?
I ask this not to say that thepositive outweighs the negative.
I'm not saying it's okay to letthose thoughts slip in now and
then.
No, I ask so that you can lookat where you peg yourself with
an eye on hope for change, toget a good sense of where you're
starting from and where Godwants to take you.
We can start by renewing ourminds right now, just by saying,
(03:38):
hey, this is where I'm at, god,and I acknowledge this is not
where you want me to be.
I challenge you to pause for amoment and do that right now.
Over the last three episodes ofVows to Keep Radio, we've been
really intentional about lookingat the thoughts that we're
having about our husbands andseeing what would God have us
replace them with.
And there are two finalcategories of thought in this
(04:00):
series that I'm going to focusin on today.
Fearful thoughts, the ones thatsay if he really loved me, he
would.
Hey, he's not being intentional, he doesn't care about me, he
doesn't love me.
If I don't do that, he's goingto leave me and let's make a
deal.
Thoughts he's not doing what Iasked, so I won't either.
I will if you will and this iswhere I draw the line Because of
what he did or didn't do.
(04:22):
I will, I should or I won't.
He didn't spend time with melast night because he was in
front of his iPad all night, soI'll just ignore him today and
see how he likes it.
He went out and bought thattruck knowing that I was against
it, so now I'm going to buywhat I want.
He knows I'm exhausted at theend of the day, yet he's not
stepping up, not helping outwith the kids?
(04:42):
He knows I want him to put themto bed, so next time he needs a
hand, no way I'm going todisappear for a while.
There's a bit of an emotionalpain that we feel when we don't
get what is meaningful to us.
I know from personal experiencethat if I'm not careful I can
quickly begin to hold thesethings against my husband.
Hurt is like a new friend.
We bring it along with uswherever we go.
(05:04):
We think it's going to satisfyus in some way.
Hurt feelings have a way ofclinging to us, keeping us
company, and they're the onesthat whisper in our ear saying
you're doing the right thing bywithholding or bartering or
exchanging tit for tat.
But like we talked about in partthree of this series and please
go back and listen if thisstrikes a chord with you when
thoughts that don't belong stickaround with our permission,
(05:27):
roots of bitterness spring up.
They choke out the good thingsthat are between David and I.
Bitterness and unforgivenessturn me from being an advocate
for David into being anadversary.
You hurt me again, so youdeserve a little coming your way
, some payback, some retribution.
In many ways that's me silentlyjust being the judge.
You hurt me again, so youdeserve a little coming your way
, some payback, some retribution.
(05:48):
In many ways, that's mesilently just being the judge.
I'm judging me and I'm judginghim.
I'm judging myself and sayingI'm righteous enough and I'm
judging him saying I'm morerighteous than you.
Look how short you're falling.
You don't deserve anything goodthat I could give you.
What a comparison game.
If this is us, that's our cue,that we need to have something
at the ready to replace thesethoughts with, I can't just hope
(06:09):
that my thoughts that Ishouldn't be having are going to
go away on their own.
It doesn't work that way.
God's Word tells me inPhilippians 4.8 that I've got to
intentionally replace thosethings with things that are true
, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable things that are
excellent and worthy of praise.
Now I know, and I know you knowtoo we're living in a sinful,
(06:32):
fallen world.
We live with sinful fallenhusbands, just like they live
with sinful fallen wives, andGod and everything that comes
from him are the only thingsthat fit into the Philippians
4-8 categories, the only thingsthat are good and pure and right
and admirable.
So this is the bottom line.
As we get to know God better.
We really understand thateverything we're searching for
(06:52):
within our marriage actuallycomes from Him.
We can finally have peacefuland godly minds.
Even if our spouse is sometimesnot worthy of praise he's not
being honorable right now.
He's far from admirable at themoment we know someone who is
and that's going to keep ourminds at perfect peace because
our thoughts are fixed on him.
(07:13):
That's found in Isaiah 26.3.
So let's hone in on a specificaspect of God's character so we
can quickly renew our minds whenthoughts that don't belong
threaten to take over ouremotions and our attitudes,
because you know just as well asI do.
That's what happens when I feellike paying back David for how
he's made me feel.
(07:34):
Here's what I can do.
Here's what you can do.
We can turn to El Rachum, theGod of compassion.
It's the name of God inDeuteronomy 4.31.
For the Lord, your God, is acompassionate God.
He is not going to abandon youor destroy you.
He's not going to forget thesolemn covenant that he made
with your ancestors, and I thinkthat God really wants us to
(07:56):
grasp this name of his, so muchso that it's used 60 times in
the Bible.
A heart of compassion is whoGod is at his very core.
Otherwise you and I we wouldn'teven be having this
conversation, we wouldn't evenbe here.
If you look at the life of Jesus, more than once, as he was
traveling through towns andvillages, he was in the middle
of his ministry.
(08:16):
He stopped what he was doingbecause he saw the people.
He saw their need for him.
He could have chosen to say I'mtired, I've already healed
enough people.
Today I need to get my needsmet.
But just like in other passagesof scripture, here in Matthew 9
, 36, we see how our hearts canbe changed towards our husbands.
Here's what happened when hesaw the crowds.
(08:38):
When Jesus saw the crowds, hehad compassion for them because
they were harassed and helpless,like sheep without a shepherd.
He saw right to their core needand it was for him.
The people that were in thecrowd were sinners.
Some of them, if you thinkabout it, even may have been in
the crowds later who would shoutcrucify him.
(08:59):
Yet Jesus chose to be El Rachum.
He chose compassion, right.
The interesting thing aboutcompassion is that it requires a
lot of perspective.
Jesus had the perspective thatI need when I feel things aren't
fair.
I need to be like Jesus whenthe scales are tipped and not in
my direction.
(09:19):
I need to know my El Rachum.
The one who reached out to me,had compassion on me when I
didn't deserve it.
So many times I am guilty ofdoling out the opposite of
compassion.
I give retribution, I givepayback.
It's good to take this a stepfurther and bring this to the
street level of our homes andour life.
(09:40):
So here's a little homework.
I hope you take this challengethis week.
When you notice your hearthardening, when you're tempted
to keep score or think I will,if he will or he doesn't deserve
, here's what I want you to doWrite down the retribution that
you're giving him.
Be specific.
What are you hoping that he'sgoing to feel?
What are you hoping he's goingto miss out on, or what are you
(10:01):
hoping he's going to notice?
In your homework, after youwrite down the retribution that
you want to give, I want you towrite out a prayer that asks God
to help you to understand hismercy and compassion to you, so
that you can give it to yourhusband when you feel least like
giving it, when you've judgedhe least deserves it.
Lord, help us not to take theplace of you.
(10:23):
You are the only wise king andjudge Amen.
Well, sometimes, though, we'renot looking for retribution,
we're not looking for what wethink our husband is due.
We're looking for what we thinkwe're due.
We want the payback.
I want something from you, andwhen I see that you're not going
to do it or give it, I getpretty frustrated.
(10:44):
You ever been there In my mind.
Now it's time to barter withyou a conditional.
I'll do this.
If he does that, I want you topicture something with me for a
second.
If you look at what you expectas a mile long stretch of road,
here's the deal I'll cover myhalf of the mile as long as he
covers his.
We'll meet in the middle withthe goal of me getting what I
(11:06):
want, and if it doesn't looklike that's going to happen, I
verbalize conditions to force itto happen.
I'll do my half.
If you do yours by next Tuesday, I'll let you have what you
want.
If you give me what I want, Ifigure that if he knows I'm
going to hold up my end, he'smore likely to hold up his, but
his agreement to comply gives mea false sense of security.
(11:27):
This mindset is very close tothe thoughts that say this is
where I draw the line.
You've gone too far.
This is costing me too much.
I can't give any more.
If it doesn't come withemotional or relationship
compensation.
Drawing the line typicallyinvolves you defining a set of
consequences for the otherperson.
Most of the time, what thatlooks like in marriage is
(11:50):
isolation, withholding andwithdrawal, and it's so ironic
because we become the one whodrives a wedge in between us
with the line that we're drawingand we rob ourselves of the
very thing that we need most.
Now, granted, we feel justifiedby doing this.
I mean, come on, they're theones who are in the wrong.
We tell ourselves.
This is just a natural reaction.
(12:12):
Now, all of a sudden, there aretwo people driving a wedge
between us him and me and thegap goes farther, faster.
Drawing the line is often amove of desperation.
I'll use money as an analogyjust for a second.
Say you've got $1,000 in youremotional bank and it costs.
You've got $1,000 in youremotional bank and it costs you
every time your spouse is notmeeting your expectations.
(12:34):
He annoyed me.
I'm down five bucks.
He raised his voice.
That's at least 25.
Pretty soon we're feelingdeficient and, to not get into
the red zone, we say no more.
I am not giving any more.
We're doing subtraction.
But God is saying I've givenyou exponentially more than you
(12:54):
need.
I've given you $10,000 just fortoday, and there's new mercies
ready for tomorrow morning.
He's asking us to pour $10,000back into our husbands all that
he's given us because he's theGod of plenty.
But all we can focus on is thecost of the moment.
I'm guilty of often being blindto the Lord's deposit of a much
(13:18):
larger amount in my life.
See this truth today, when wedraw the line, we're actually
putting God's word to the test,and I know this from personal
experience.
When I hoard what I have and Icount every emotional dime, I am
denying that God's ways areeffective.
I'm denying the power of whoGod is and what his word tells
(13:41):
me to do.
I choose not to forgive, Ichoose not to love, I choose not
to be tender and kind andpatient and full of grace, and
instead I choose what I think tobe the best thing.
I draw the line to protectmyself.
But when you do that, beware,because you and I are going to
be continually redrawing it forthe rest of our marriage.
(14:02):
But we can stop the cycle.
It is a matter of the idols ofour heart, what we're expecting,
what we're demanding.
It is a matter of the idols ofour heart, what we're expecting,
what we're demanding Again.
Go back and listen to theepisodes in this series.
Listen to the last few weeksbroadcasts and learn the names
of God.
Learn the heart of God for youin this, so that your marriage
can succeed.
(14:22):
Learn to think life.
Let your love to your spouseSend them the message that they
are never a waste of your timeand your energy and your love.
Why?
Because God's love isunconditional.
Here comes another name of God.
He doesn't draw the line withus, thank goodness.
He is faithful even when we'renot.
(14:43):
El Kano, the jealous God.
He watches us lovingly.
He watches us closely.
Think of it like a faithfulbridegroom.
He's watching over hisbetrothed.
His is an undivided devotion tous.
2 Timothy 2.13 strikes me everysingle time I read it.
It says if we are unfaithful,he remains faithful, for he
(15:08):
cannot deny who he is.
It is his character to befaithful even when we screw up,
and that's why I like this nextname of God El Yeshuate, the God
of my salvation, but not onlythat.
He is El Yeshuan Tenu.
I'm not saying that right, andthat's okay.
He's the God of our salvation.
(15:29):
Mine, as well as my husband's.
Yeshua means salvation anddelivery and victory.
We can renew our minds.
We can think life byremembering he's our Savior.
He's our faithful Savior.
Even when we struggle and westumble in our sin, he's the one
who daily loads us with thosebenefits the God of our
(15:49):
salvation, just like it says inPsalm 68, 19.
He loads us with benefits.
You've got enough in the bankfor an overflow onto your spouse
.
Don't count those emotionaldimes, but renew your mind with
the word of God and who God isto you.
(16:09):
Hi, this is Tracy from Vows toKeep Radio.
We're asking you to help usbecome fully funded so Vows to
Keep has the financial resourcesto keep sharing hope with
marriages like yours.
God is growing this ministrytremendously and the testimonies
we hear confirm that God's worddoes not return void.
Right now we need an additional$6,500 a month.
(16:30):
Would you consider becoming amonthly partner with us to build
biblically healthy marriages?
We're asking 100 families togive $50 a month and 60 families
to give $25 a month.
Prayerfully, make your bestgift at vowstokeepcom.
Now, fearful thoughts also causeme to draw the line and say no
further.
It's kind of a self-protectivemeasure to keep me from being
(16:53):
disappointed, I put up wallsthat are nearly impossible for
my husband to knock down.
When that happens, when I startto pull away and draw the line,
I start feeling independentfrom him and therefore dependent
on myself.
Maybe you've been there.
It's easy to convince myselfthat isolation is a safe place.
(17:14):
If this is you, danger, danger,warning, warning, beep, beep,
stop.
Isolation is dangerous to yourmarriage.
It leads to the need for aseparate life, and a separate
life leads to I don't need tolove him, I don't need to care,
I don't even need to be near himand I don't need to.
Leads to I actually don't wantto.
(17:35):
I don't want to love him, Idon't want to care about him, I
don't want to even be near him,and inevitably that turns into I
don't want you and I don't wantyou.
As we know, leads to twoseparate lives, the disillusion
of a covenant vow.
Again, this is the time torenew your mind with the truth
of who God is.
(17:55):
Then there's the other side ofthe fear coin.
I'm fearful that you don'tapprove of me or that you're not
going to do your part.
So I'm going to perform to acertain level to see if you're
going to approve of me or seethat you're going to do what I
want you to do.
If I don't see an investmentback from your side, that's
where I stop.
That's where I get fearful.
I stop giving, I stop comingclose enough to really be known
(18:15):
by you.
And that goes back to bothisolation and the tit for tat
scenario.
If he covers his half, thenI'll be safe enough to cover
mine.
I want to have margin to savemyself if needed.
Fearful thoughts whisper that ifhe loved me, we wouldn't be in
this position of let's make adeal, but because of his lack of
love, I'm going to go hungry.
(18:36):
I'm going to go without or weneed to make a deal.
That's what it's boiled down to, and I'm not willing to go
hungry indefinitely.
So I'm going to take someaction and try to get what I
feel I need.
The problem with these if Idon't do this, he's going to do
(18:59):
that.
Or it's going to lead to afight, or I'll do this if he
does that.
They're both performance-basedtactics that are going to
backfire really fast.
Fear and bargaining are bothvery poor motivators for godly
behavior.
Bargaining is more of anappeasement sacrifice to not
receive retribution or to justget what I want.
And the funny thing about thesemindsets is that we use them
with our husbands and with God,and the two usually go hand in
hand.
Many times I project how Ithink God thinks about me onto
(19:22):
how I think my husband thinksabout me.
If I think God is asking me toperform, I'm going to assume my
husband is as well.
The opposite is true too.
If I live with the knowledge ofGod's grace towards me, I am
ready to give that grace away.
In fact, I wrote a devotionalthat's included in a book called
Abba's Heart that I would loveto give to you to help you
better understand the connectionbetween these two concepts.
(19:44):
If you'd like a copy of thatchapter of the devotional,
please email me.
I'll give it to you for free.
Devotional at vows to keepcom.
So let's talk a little bitfurther about fearful thoughts.
If we want to renew our minds,then we have to know what God's
word says about this topic offear.
Do you know what it says?
Have you flipped through thepages of scripture for yourself?
If not, today's the day tostart.
(20:06):
The first scripture that popsinto my mind when I think of
fear is the one from 1 John 4.
There is no fear in love, butperfect love drives out fear
because fear involves punishment.
The one who fears has not beenperfected in love.
And it's amazing when you startlooking at these fear verses.
There are enough.
Do not fear verses to read onefor every day of the year,
(20:27):
hundreds of times where God issaying there is a deeper truth
here than what you're feeling.
Don't succumb to what youremotions are telling you.
Look to me and I'll be yourcomforter, I'll be your
stronghold.
Like 1 John says, fear involvespunishment For our marriage.
We could say fear involves adifferent form of punishment
(20:48):
consequence.
I'm anticipating some sort ofrepercussion, so I make a deal.
I will if you will.
I don't want whateverconsequence may be coming my way
if he doesn't follow through.
Or I really don't want to missout on something, so I bargain
to get it.
So I don't go without.
My fear of either one is themotivator for my actions, not
the perfect love that casts outfear.
(21:08):
That's not what's motivating me.
Don't miss this.
Today.
What I'm afraid of reveals myunderstanding and my trust of
God, his word and his character.
Sometimes I know in my mind whoGod is, but I have to choose to
trust him with my heart, justlike the psalmist says in Psalm
56, when I'm afraid, I willtrust in you.
(21:29):
What we need, girls, is truth,because truth cancels fear.
Truth gives security.
El Emet is the God of truth.
This Hebrew name of God meansfaithfulness, reliableness.
It's an invitation to trust him.
What's the truth you need todigest today about God?
When it comes to renewing ourminds, we need the God of truth,
(21:51):
and I know of only one place toget truth, and it's not my head
, that's for sure, and certainlynot my heart, not my emotions,
which are as unreliable as thestock market.
No, my only source of truth isGod's word.
I want to live out Romans 12.
I want to let all of me be aliving and holy sacrifice, even
(22:11):
my mind, the kind that God wouldfind acceptable, to truly
worship him with everything Ihave body, mind and heart.
I don't want to copy thebehavior and the customs of this
world, like that verse says,but I want to let God transform
me into a new person.
How?
By changing the way that Ithink.
Oh God, we want to learn whatyour good and pleasing and
(22:33):
perfect will is for us.
Please teach us your ways, andI really do believe, girls, that
that's a prayer God's going toanswer, because he knows that
truth will defeat fearfulthoughts.
They're going to cancel let'smake a deal thoughts.
Knowing who God is, his namesand his character and what they
mean for us in our salvation, inour abundant Christian life, is
(22:56):
going to make us run to erasethat line in the sand that we've
drawn.
Again, when we have truth,we're not going to be looking to
bring retribution to ourhusbands, we're going to look to
bring a blessing.
That's why God calls us torenew our minds with his word,
with his truth.
Renewal carries with it theconnotation of continuation.
My mind is not like my driver'slicense that only has to get
(23:19):
checked and renewed every fouryears.
There's not a clock or calendarfor our minds.
Thoughts that don't belong cancome out of left field, out of
nowhere, and we need to knowwhat to do with them.
We can't just do a clean outevery spring.
If we have a thought that seemsa bit out of place, let's do
something about it right away.
Our thoughts are not somethingthat's out of our control.
(23:39):
If I have a thought that'ssinful or just not going to be
building to my relationship.
I don't have to let it linger.
I don't have to when you have athought, filter it through the
sieve of God's word.
That's how we renew our minds.
You've heard it said that weshould speak life.
Proverbs 18, 31 says the tonguecan bring death or life.
It's so true.
(24:00):
I've seen it in my parenting,I've seen it in my marriage.
But what ends up on our tonguesfirst starts in our minds.
So let's begin the renewalprocess this week by thinking
life.
I have a free resource for youtoday.
It's a chart of sorts that youcan print out and put in your
Bible or somewhere.
You'll see it often so you'llhave truth at the ready when you
need it.
In these last four episodeswe've studied so many names of
(24:22):
God that reveal his character,that teach us to imitate him in
our marriages, and I connect thethoughts that we're having that
don't belong to each of thesenames, so that you can have a
quick replacement of thatthought and you can think life
instead.
I'd love to connect with youand give you this resource.
You can email me resource atvows to keepcom and then you'll
receive it in your inbox.
(24:43):
Thanks for investing in yourmarriage this week by thinking
life.
We'll see you next time here onvows to keep radio
no-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Have thoughts like this ever entered your mind?
If he really loved me, he woulddo what I asked.
If I don't do that, he's goingto leave me.
He won't do what I asked, soyou know what I won't either.
Let's make a deal I will if youwill.
This is where I draw the line.
If someone could put a mindreading contraption on our
(00:44):
brains, this would be theprintout for a lot of us.
I didn't want to just assumethat other people were having
negative thoughts about theirhusbands, so I asked and the
responses I got were honest,they were frank and they were
quick.
My friends immediately pingedme back with their fairly
sizable list.
That's because if we stop andthink about it for a moment, we
realize yeah, this is me, I'mhaving thoughts about my husband
(01:06):
that probably don't belongToday.
On part four of your self-talkabout your husband could be
ruining your relationship.
We're going to compare thethoughts that we're having
whether they're true, partiallytrue or not true at all with the
truth of who God is.
We'll look specifically atfearful thoughts and thoughts
where our frustration, or maybeeven our scorekeeping, causes us
to draw the line.
(01:27):
Find out how you can transformyour marriage by thinking life,
renewing your mind and tuning itto understand God's perfect
will.
On today's episode of Vows toKeep Radio, the show where you
get sound biblical counsel thatyou can apply immediately to
your marriage, I'm your host,traci.
Sellers of Vows to Keep, davidand I are biblical marriage
(01:47):
counselors, authors, teachers,radio hosts, podcast hosts and
conference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
What I'm talking about when Isay you can transform your
marriage by renewing your mindcomes from Romans 12,.
You can transform your marriageby renewing your mind comes
from Romans, chapter 12, verse 2.
(02:08):
Be transformed by the renewingof your mind.
Then you'll be able to test andapprove what God's will is his
good, pleasing and perfect will.
This is a passage that'sfamiliar to a lot of us, but I
don't think I've ever applied itto my marriage.
Like ever have you Renew mymind and experience
transformation in my marriage?
Now, that's intriguing.
All over God's word, I see thathe really does care what's
(02:30):
going on in my mind.
He tells us what shouldn't begoing through our heads.
He tells us what to dwell on,what to fix our thoughts on and
what to fill our minds with whatwe think matters to him,
because, even though somethoughts are going to go in one
ear and out the other, he knowsthere's going to be ones that we
dwell on and those are the onesthat take root in our hearts.
And God is always after ourhearts to make us more like him,
(02:54):
to change the way we think, soour very lives will be changed.
What are the thoughts you'vebeen having about your marriage
lately?
If I asked you to put a dot ona line that represented the
average of your thought lifeabout your marriage, where would
you peg yourself?
Would you say?
Your thoughts are generally onthe positive side, with some
negativity mixed in.
Do constant thoughts about yourspouse's shortcomings put you
(03:16):
on the other side of the scale?
I ask this not to say that thepositive outweighs the negative.
I'm not saying it's okay to letthose thoughts slip in now and
then.
No, I ask so that you can lookat where you peg yourself with
an eye on hope for change, toget a good sense of where you're
starting from and where Godwants to take you.
We can start by renewing ourminds right now, just by saying,
(03:38):
hey, this is where I'm at, god,and I acknowledge this is not
where you want me to be.
I challenge you to pause for amoment and do that right now.
Over the last three episodes ofVows to Keep Radio, we've been
really intentional about lookingat the thoughts that we're
having about our husbands andseeing what would God have us
replace them with.
And there are two finalcategories of thought in this
(04:00):
series that I'm going to focusin on today.
Fearful thoughts, the ones thatsay if he really loved me, he
would.
Hey, he's not being intentional, he doesn't care about me, he
doesn't love me.
If I don't do that, he's goingto leave me and let's make a
deal.
Thoughts he's not doing what Iasked, so I won't either.
I will if you will and this iswhere I draw the line Because of
what he did or didn't do.
(04:22):
I will, I should or I won't.
He didn't spend time with melast night because he was in
front of his iPad all night, soI'll just ignore him today and
see how he likes it.
He went out and bought thattruck knowing that I was against
it, so now I'm going to buywhat I want.
He knows I'm exhausted at theend of the day, yet he's not
stepping up, not helping outwith the kids?
(04:42):
He knows I want him to put themto bed, so next time he needs a
hand, no way I'm going todisappear for a while.
There's a bit of an emotionalpain that we feel when we don't
get what is meaningful to us.
I know from personal experiencethat if I'm not careful I can
quickly begin to hold thesethings against my husband.
Hurt is like a new friend.
We bring it along with uswherever we go.
(05:04):
We think it's going to satisfyus in some way.
Hurt feelings have a way ofclinging to us, keeping us
company, and they're the onesthat whisper in our ear saying
you're doing the right thing bywithholding or bartering or
exchanging tit for tat.
But like we talked about in partthree of this series and please
go back and listen if thisstrikes a chord with you when
thoughts that don't belong stickaround with our permission,
(05:27):
roots of bitterness spring up.
They choke out the good thingsthat are between David and I.
Bitterness and unforgivenessturn me from being an advocate
for David into being anadversary.
You hurt me again, so youdeserve a little coming your way
, some payback, some retribution.
In many ways that's me silentlyjust being the judge.
You hurt me again, so youdeserve a little coming your way
, some payback, some retribution.
(05:48):
In many ways, that's mesilently just being the judge.
I'm judging me and I'm judginghim.
I'm judging myself and sayingI'm righteous enough and I'm
judging him saying I'm morerighteous than you.
Look how short you're falling.
You don't deserve anything goodthat I could give you.
What a comparison game.
If this is us, that's our cue,that we need to have something
at the ready to replace thesethoughts with, I can't just hope
(06:09):
that my thoughts that Ishouldn't be having are going to
go away on their own.
It doesn't work that way.
God's Word tells me inPhilippians 4.8 that I've got to
intentionally replace thosethings with things that are true
, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable things that are
excellent and worthy of praise.
Now I know, and I know you knowtoo we're living in a sinful,
(06:32):
fallen world.
We live with sinful fallenhusbands, just like they live
with sinful fallen wives, andGod and everything that comes
from him are the only thingsthat fit into the Philippians
4-8 categories, the only thingsthat are good and pure and right
and admirable.
So this is the bottom line.
As we get to know God better.
We really understand thateverything we're searching for
(06:52):
within our marriage actuallycomes from Him.
We can finally have peacefuland godly minds.
Even if our spouse is sometimesnot worthy of praise he's not
being honorable right now.
He's far from admirable at themoment we know someone who is
and that's going to keep ourminds at perfect peace because
our thoughts are fixed on him.
(07:13):
That's found in Isaiah 26.3.
So let's hone in on a specificaspect of God's character so we
can quickly renew our minds whenthoughts that don't belong
threaten to take over ouremotions and our attitudes,
because you know just as well asI do.
That's what happens when I feellike paying back David for how
he's made me feel.
(07:34):
Here's what I can do.
Here's what you can do.
We can turn to El Rachum, theGod of compassion.
It's the name of God inDeuteronomy 4.31.
For the Lord, your God, is acompassionate God.
He is not going to abandon youor destroy you.
He's not going to forget thesolemn covenant that he made
with your ancestors, and I thinkthat God really wants us to
(07:56):
grasp this name of his, so muchso that it's used 60 times in
the Bible.
A heart of compassion is whoGod is at his very core.
Otherwise you and I we wouldn'teven be having this
conversation, we wouldn't evenbe here.
If you look at the life of Jesus, more than once, as he was
traveling through towns andvillages, he was in the middle
of his ministry.
(08:16):
He stopped what he was doingbecause he saw the people.
He saw their need for him.
He could have chosen to say I'mtired, I've already healed
enough people.
Today I need to get my needsmet.
But just like in other passagesof scripture, here in Matthew 9
, 36, we see how our hearts canbe changed towards our husbands.
Here's what happened when hesaw the crowds.
(08:38):
When Jesus saw the crowds, hehad compassion for them because
they were harassed and helpless,like sheep without a shepherd.
He saw right to their core needand it was for him.
The people that were in thecrowd were sinners.
Some of them, if you thinkabout it, even may have been in
the crowds later who would shoutcrucify him.
(08:59):
Yet Jesus chose to be El Rachum.
He chose compassion, right.
The interesting thing aboutcompassion is that it requires a
lot of perspective.
Jesus had the perspective thatI need when I feel things aren't
fair.
I need to be like Jesus whenthe scales are tipped and not in
my direction.
(09:19):
I need to know my El Rachum.
The one who reached out to me,had compassion on me when I
didn't deserve it.
So many times I am guilty ofdoling out the opposite of
compassion.
I give retribution, I givepayback.
It's good to take this a stepfurther and bring this to the
street level of our homes andour life.
(09:40):
So here's a little homework.
I hope you take this challengethis week.
When you notice your hearthardening, when you're tempted
to keep score or think I will,if he will or he doesn't deserve
, here's what I want you to doWrite down the retribution that
you're giving him.
Be specific.
What are you hoping that he'sgoing to feel?
What are you hoping he's goingto miss out on, or what are you
(10:01):
hoping he's going to notice?
In your homework, after youwrite down the retribution that
you want to give, I want you towrite out a prayer that asks God
to help you to understand hismercy and compassion to you, so
that you can give it to yourhusband when you feel least like
giving it, when you've judgedhe least deserves it.
Lord, help us not to take theplace of you.
(10:23):
You are the only wise king andjudge Amen.
Well, sometimes, though, we'renot looking for retribution,
we're not looking for what wethink our husband is due.
We're looking for what we thinkwe're due.
We want the payback.
I want something from you, andwhen I see that you're not going
to do it or give it, I getpretty frustrated.
(10:44):
You ever been there In my mind.
Now it's time to barter withyou a conditional.
I'll do this.
If he does that, I want you topicture something with me for a
second.
If you look at what you expectas a mile long stretch of road,
here's the deal I'll cover myhalf of the mile as long as he
covers his.
We'll meet in the middle withthe goal of me getting what I
(11:06):
want, and if it doesn't looklike that's going to happen, I
verbalize conditions to force itto happen.
I'll do my half.
If you do yours by next Tuesday, I'll let you have what you
want.
If you give me what I want, Ifigure that if he knows I'm
going to hold up my end, he'smore likely to hold up his, but
his agreement to comply gives mea false sense of security.
(11:27):
This mindset is very close tothe thoughts that say this is
where I draw the line.
You've gone too far.
This is costing me too much.
I can't give any more.
If it doesn't come withemotional or relationship
compensation.
Drawing the line typicallyinvolves you defining a set of
consequences for the otherperson.
Most of the time, what thatlooks like in marriage is
(11:50):
isolation, withholding andwithdrawal, and it's so ironic
because we become the one whodrives a wedge in between us
with the line that we're drawingand we rob ourselves of the
very thing that we need most.
Now, granted, we feel justifiedby doing this.
I mean, come on, they're theones who are in the wrong.
We tell ourselves.
This is just a natural reaction.
(12:12):
Now, all of a sudden, there aretwo people driving a wedge
between us him and me and thegap goes farther, faster.
Drawing the line is often amove of desperation.
I'll use money as an analogyjust for a second.
Say you've got $1,000 in youremotional bank and it costs.
You've got $1,000 in youremotional bank and it costs you
every time your spouse is notmeeting your expectations.
(12:34):
He annoyed me.
I'm down five bucks.
He raised his voice.
That's at least 25.
Pretty soon we're feelingdeficient and, to not get into
the red zone, we say no more.
I am not giving any more.
We're doing subtraction.
But God is saying I've givenyou exponentially more than you
(12:54):
need.
I've given you $10,000 just fortoday, and there's new mercies
ready for tomorrow morning.
He's asking us to pour $10,000back into our husbands all that
he's given us because he's theGod of plenty.
But all we can focus on is thecost of the moment.
I'm guilty of often being blindto the Lord's deposit of a much
(13:18):
larger amount in my life.
See this truth today, when wedraw the line, we're actually
putting God's word to the test,and I know this from personal
experience.
When I hoard what I have and Icount every emotional dime, I am
denying that God's ways areeffective.
I'm denying the power of whoGod is and what his word tells
(13:41):
me to do.
I choose not to forgive, Ichoose not to love, I choose not
to be tender and kind andpatient and full of grace, and
instead I choose what I think tobe the best thing.
I draw the line to protectmyself.
But when you do that, beware,because you and I are going to
be continually redrawing it forthe rest of our marriage.
(14:02):
But we can stop the cycle.
It is a matter of the idols ofour heart, what we're expecting,
what we're demanding.
It is a matter of the idols ofour heart, what we're expecting,
what we're demanding Again.
Go back and listen to theepisodes in this series.
Listen to the last few weeksbroadcasts and learn the names
of God.
Learn the heart of God for youin this, so that your marriage
can succeed.
(14:22):
Learn to think life.
Let your love to your spouseSend them the message that they
are never a waste of your timeand your energy and your love.
Why?
Because God's love isunconditional.
Here comes another name of God.
He doesn't draw the line withus, thank goodness.
He is faithful even when we'renot.
(14:43):
El Kano, the jealous God.
He watches us lovingly.
He watches us closely.
Think of it like a faithfulbridegroom.
He's watching over hisbetrothed.
His is an undivided devotion tous.
2 Timothy 2.13 strikes me everysingle time I read it.
It says if we are unfaithful,he remains faithful, for he
(15:08):
cannot deny who he is.
It is his character to befaithful even when we screw up,
and that's why I like this nextname of God El Yeshuate, the God
of my salvation, but not onlythat.
He is El Yeshuan Tenu.
I'm not saying that right, andthat's okay.
He's the God of our salvation.
(15:29):
Mine, as well as my husband's.
Yeshua means salvation anddelivery and victory.
We can renew our minds.
We can think life byremembering he's our Savior.
He's our faithful Savior.
Even when we struggle and westumble in our sin, he's the one
who daily loads us with thosebenefits the God of our
(15:49):
salvation, just like it says inPsalm 68, 19.
He loads us with benefits.
You've got enough in the bankfor an overflow onto your spouse
.
Don't count those emotionaldimes, but renew your mind with
the word of God and who God isto you.
(16:09):
Hi, this is Tracy from Vows toKeep Radio.
We're asking you to help usbecome fully funded so Vows to
Keep has the financial resourcesto keep sharing hope with
marriages like yours.
God is growing this ministrytremendously and the testimonies
we hear confirm that God's worddoes not return void.
Right now we need an additional$6,500 a month.
(16:30):
Would you consider becoming amonthly partner with us to build
biblically healthy marriages?
We're asking 100 families togive $50 a month and 60 families
to give $25 a month.
Prayerfully, make your bestgift at vowstokeepcom.
Now, fearful thoughts also causeme to draw the line and say no
further.
It's kind of a self-protectivemeasure to keep me from being
(16:53):
disappointed, I put up wallsthat are nearly impossible for
my husband to knock down.
When that happens, when I startto pull away and draw the line,
I start feeling independentfrom him and therefore dependent
on myself.
Maybe you've been there.
It's easy to convince myselfthat isolation is a safe place.
(17:14):
If this is you, danger, danger,warning, warning, beep, beep,
stop.
Isolation is dangerous to yourmarriage.
It leads to the need for aseparate life, and a separate
life leads to I don't need tolove him, I don't need to care,
I don't even need to be near himand I don't need to.
Leads to I actually don't wantto.
(17:35):
I don't want to love him, Idon't want to care about him, I
don't want to even be near him,and inevitably that turns into I
don't want you and I don't wantyou.
As we know, leads to twoseparate lives, the disillusion
of a covenant vow.
Again, this is the time torenew your mind with the truth
of who God is.
(17:55):
Then there's the other side ofthe fear coin.
I'm fearful that you don'tapprove of me or that you're not
going to do your part.
So I'm going to perform to acertain level to see if you're
going to approve of me or seethat you're going to do what I
want you to do.
If I don't see an investmentback from your side, that's
where I stop.
That's where I get fearful.
I stop giving, I stop comingclose enough to really be known
(18:15):
by you.
And that goes back to bothisolation and the tit for tat
scenario.
If he covers his half, thenI'll be safe enough to cover
mine.
I want to have margin to savemyself if needed.
Fearful thoughts whisper that ifhe loved me, we wouldn't be in
this position of let's make adeal, but because of his lack of
love, I'm going to go hungry.
(18:36):
I'm going to go without or weneed to make a deal.
That's what it's boiled down to, and I'm not willing to go
hungry indefinitely.
So I'm going to take someaction and try to get what I
feel I need.
The problem with these if Idon't do this, he's going to do
(18:59):
that.
Or it's going to lead to afight, or I'll do this if he
does that.
They're both performance-basedtactics that are going to
backfire really fast.
Fear and bargaining are bothvery poor motivators for godly
behavior.
Bargaining is more of anappeasement sacrifice to not
receive retribution or to justget what I want.
And the funny thing about thesemindsets is that we use them
with our husbands and with God,and the two usually go hand in
hand.
Many times I project how Ithink God thinks about me onto
(19:22):
how I think my husband thinksabout me.
If I think God is asking me toperform, I'm going to assume my
husband is as well.
The opposite is true too.
If I live with the knowledge ofGod's grace towards me, I am
ready to give that grace away.
In fact, I wrote a devotionalthat's included in a book called
Abba's Heart that I would loveto give to you to help you
better understand the connectionbetween these two concepts.
(19:44):
If you'd like a copy of thatchapter of the devotional,
please email me.
I'll give it to you for free.
Devotional at vows to keepcom.
So let's talk a little bitfurther about fearful thoughts.
If we want to renew our minds,then we have to know what God's
word says about this topic offear.
Do you know what it says?
Have you flipped through thepages of scripture for yourself?
If not, today's the day tostart.
(20:06):
The first scripture that popsinto my mind when I think of
fear is the one from 1 John 4.
There is no fear in love, butperfect love drives out fear
because fear involves punishment.
The one who fears has not beenperfected in love.
And it's amazing when you startlooking at these fear verses.
There are enough.
Do not fear verses to read onefor every day of the year,
(20:27):
hundreds of times where God issaying there is a deeper truth
here than what you're feeling.
Don't succumb to what youremotions are telling you.
Look to me and I'll be yourcomforter, I'll be your
stronghold.
Like 1 John says, fear involvespunishment For our marriage.
We could say fear involves adifferent form of punishment
(20:48):
consequence.
I'm anticipating some sort ofrepercussion, so I make a deal.
I will if you will.
I don't want whateverconsequence may be coming my way
if he doesn't follow through.
Or I really don't want to missout on something, so I bargain
to get it.
So I don't go without.
My fear of either one is themotivator for my actions, not
the perfect love that casts outfear.
(21:08):
That's not what's motivating me.
Don't miss this.
Today.
What I'm afraid of reveals myunderstanding and my trust of
God, his word and his character.
Sometimes I know in my mind whoGod is, but I have to choose to
trust him with my heart, justlike the psalmist says in Psalm
56, when I'm afraid, I willtrust in you.
(21:29):
What we need, girls, is truth,because truth cancels fear.
Truth gives security.
El Emet is the God of truth.
This Hebrew name of God meansfaithfulness, reliableness.
It's an invitation to trust him.
What's the truth you need todigest today about God?
When it comes to renewing ourminds, we need the God of truth,
(21:51):
and I know of only one place toget truth, and it's not my head
, that's for sure, and certainlynot my heart, not my emotions,
which are as unreliable as thestock market.
No, my only source of truth isGod's word.
I want to live out Romans 12.
I want to let all of me be aliving and holy sacrifice, even
(22:11):
my mind, the kind that God wouldfind acceptable, to truly
worship him with everything Ihave body, mind and heart.
I don't want to copy thebehavior and the customs of this
world, like that verse says,but I want to let God transform
me into a new person.
How?
By changing the way that Ithink.
Oh God, we want to learn whatyour good and pleasing and
(22:33):
perfect will is for us.
Please teach us your ways, andI really do believe, girls, that
that's a prayer God's going toanswer, because he knows that
truth will defeat fearfulthoughts.
They're going to cancel let'smake a deal thoughts.
Knowing who God is, his namesand his character and what they
mean for us in our salvation, inour abundant Christian life, is
(22:56):
going to make us run to erasethat line in the sand that we've
drawn.
Again, when we have truth,we're not going to be looking to
bring retribution to ourhusbands, we're going to look to
bring a blessing.
That's why God calls us torenew our minds with his word,
with his truth.
Renewal carries with it theconnotation of continuation.
My mind is not like my driver'slicense that only has to get
(23:19):
checked and renewed every fouryears.
There's not a clock or calendarfor our minds.
Thoughts that don't belong cancome out of left field, out of
nowhere, and we need to knowwhat to do with them.
We can't just do a clean outevery spring.
If we have a thought that seemsa bit out of place, let's do
something about it right away.
Our thoughts are not somethingthat's out of our control.
(23:39):
If I have a thought that'ssinful or just not going to be
building to my relationship.
I don't have to let it linger.
I don't have to when you have athought, filter it through the
sieve of God's word.
That's how we renew our minds.
You've heard it said that weshould speak life.
Proverbs 18, 31 says the tonguecan bring death or life.
It's so true.
(24:00):
I've seen it in my parenting,I've seen it in my marriage.
But what ends up on our tonguesfirst starts in our minds.
So let's begin the renewalprocess this week by thinking
life.
I have a free resource for youtoday.
It's a chart of sorts that youcan print out and put in your
Bible or somewhere.
You'll see it often so you'llhave truth at the ready when you
need it.
In these last four episodeswe've studied so many names of
(24:22):
God that reveal his character,that teach us to imitate him in
our marriages, and I connect thethoughts that we're having that
don't belong to each of thesenames, so that you can have a
quick replacement of thatthought and you can think life
instead.
I'd love to connect with youand give you this resource.
You can email me resource atvows to keepcom and then you'll
receive it in your inbox.
(24:43):
Thanks for investing in yourmarriage this week by thinking
life.
We'll see you next time here onvows to keep radio
no-transcript.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.