September 8, 2025 • 24 mins
Marriage Myths: Debunking Common Lies We Believe :: [Ep. 285]
This week, we are tackling common marriage myths that can derail relationships which in turn prevent couples from addressing their real issues. We will explain how believing lies about marriage can lead us away from God's design.
In this episode, we will talk about the following:
• Marriage myths are easy to believe but always cost couples something valuable
• Where true joy comes from
• Marriage was created to model Christ's relationship with the church
We hope and pray you are encouraged!! Be sure to come back next week, as we will address more myths that hurt could be hurting your marriage! Don't miss it!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we
have made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Amen to that.
I was thinking the other dayabout the time, David, back in
about 2014, when the neurologistwalked into the room with good
news the symptoms that had takenme to the hospital that night
with you looked to be of noconsequence, which was awesome
news.
But then he asked me thisquestion and it felt like it was
completely out of the blue.
(00:48):
They were just about to dismissme to go home and he said how
long have you been havingmigraines?
And I remember looking at youand then looking back at the
doctor and I said I have neverhad a migraine.
He looked at his clipboard thathad my MRI results and he said
you've been having migraines foryears Now, since I was a
teenager and, david, you knowthis too because you've seen me
(01:09):
experience.
I had headaches and I hadstruggled with vomiting and
extreme motion sickness, and Ialways thought it was my sinuses
.
I'd been to lots of specialists, I'd been on countless
antibiotics for sinus infections, but as I learned the symptoms
of the migraine, that day,suddenly this light bulb went on
over my head.
I matched every single one andit wasn't even the diagnosis
(01:32):
that I was looking for.
But in that moment I realized Ihad been believing something
that wasn't true, and I've beenbelieving it for years, and I
had done everything I couldthink of to make the symptoms go
away.
And once I had the knowledge inhand of what was really going
on, I could tackle it in a waythat made sense.
There were telltale signs fortwo decades that I missed, and
as I was thinking about today'sbroadcast, this situation came
(01:53):
to mind because it describes theway that we think about our
marriages.
Sometimes we can go years andyears believing untruths about
our marriage and we try to fixthe problem with the best of
intentions, but it doesn't work.
I so wish that when I was 19years old I went to that first
sinus specialist, that theywould have dug just a little
(02:14):
deeper and asked some of theright questions to be told early
on.
Hey, this isn't what you think,it is.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Wow, if only yeah, I can remember some of the first
years when we were dating howoften you'd get car sick and it
was crazy.
We're not neurologists, we'renot theologians, but we are
married and we've got the bestsource of truth, the only source
of truth, at our fingertips,and that's God's Word.
So over the next severalbroadcasts we're going to tackle
(02:40):
some marriage myths.
We'll call them.
Just like Tracy had thesesymptoms that were gone for
years that pointed her topinpoint a problem that actually
wasn't there and to not focuson the one that actually was
there.
Marriage myths are like that.
They're easy to believe, and Ithink a lot of us actually do
believe many of the things we'regoing to be talking about.
It's never free to believe alie.
(03:03):
They always cost us something.
They always derail us from whatthe real potential is.
They cost our marriages deeplyif we fall for them.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's so important, david, I think, to constantly
evaluate what do I believe aboutmy marriage, because if you
just ask me, hey, do you believewe're on solid ground right now
, I'd say sure, do you thinkthat we have the answer to our
problems?
Absolutely Like.
In general, I feel like I'vegot the fundamentals of marriage
down pretty well, but I've gotto be pretty transparent with
(03:32):
myself about my answers, becausethey can shift and change sort
of based on my emotions.
Sometimes what I have to do isgo back to God's word every time
.
Can I back up what I'mbelieving with God's word every
time?
Can I back up what I'mbelieving with?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
God's word, because if we can't, then a lot of times
it's the truth that we haveinvented, or we've picked up
from someone else who they'veinvented, some truth that serves
them well, but you know what?
That's exactly what a myth is.
That's exactly what a lie is.
We tend to buy into what'sconvenient, what's popular and
(04:04):
what's going to serve me thebest, what's going to get me out
of this emotional jam that I'min 2 Timothy, chapter 4, has
something interesting to say tous about this, For a time is
coming.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
verse 3 says when people will no longer listen to
sound and wholesome teaching,they will follow their own
desires and will look forteachers who will tell them
whatever their itching ears wantto hear.
They will reject the truth.
2 Timothy 4.4 says and guesswhat?
They will chase after myths.
(04:35):
Whenever I've heard this verse,David, I've thought about
people looking for differentchurches, looking for the pastor
to kind of tell them what theywant to hear.
But we're honestly looking forteaching everywhere we go.
We're looking for teaching onthe internet, typing in Google
searches that will give us theanswers we are looking for.
We're not looking for soundteaching from God's word anymore
(04:57):
.
We're looking for someone totell us that our own sinful
desires are right.
And when we hear that, when wefeel justified in our own truth,
we will reject the truth and wewill chase after myths.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
If it's not from God's word, if it's not what he
asks out of our lives, then itis a trap, and long before we
can fall down into these pitsthat we don't even remember
digging ourselves into, we haveto be willing to examine these
things through God's word.
Living in these lies is not aplace of freedom.
(05:32):
The truth is what sets us free,and there's a verse that's
awesomely reminds us of freedom.
The truth is what sets us free,and there's a verse that's
awesomely reminds us of that.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
That verse that we're going to read in just a minute,
that the truth will set youfree, comes from John, chapter 8
.
And in that same chapter, jesussays that when Satan speaks, he
speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the
father of lies.
In fact, 2 Corinthians 11 saysthat Satan even disguises
himself as an angel of light.
(06:00):
That's how lies go.
They always have a piece oftruth in them.
They are disguised enough tomake us believe that they are
the truth.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
So, in this series of marriage myths that maybe you
didn't even know you werebelieving, we're going to go
look at some of the distortedillusions that look somewhat
right at first glance but areabsolutely not true.
The first one, being marriage,is here to make me happy.
The second one, marriage, iswhat's going to take all of the
fun out of your relationship.
The third marriage mythmarriage is becoming an outdated
(06:34):
institution.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
And one of the other ones we're going to talk about a
lot is I married the wrongperson.
I think these are lies thatmost of us have believed at one
time or another.
I bet, even if one of thesedoesn't ring a bell with you,
that somebody in your life, acouple in your life, is thinking
this right now, and we're goingto give you, guys, the tools
you need to debunk these myths,because the truth really is
(07:00):
what's going to set us free.
Like David said, that comesfrom a verse in God's word.
It comes from a realconversation that Jesus was
having with some Jews, where heis in John, chapter eight.
Now I want you to kind ofpicture this scene here with me.
These guys are following Jesusaround, they're in close
proximity to him.
They probably haven't lunchedtogether Yet.
Jesus sees right through towhat they really think.
(07:21):
He says.
I can see that there's no roomin your hearts for me, even
though you're claiming tobelieve in me.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
These are people who are curious.
I mean, they're still livingtheir lives according to their
own rules, but they wanted tolook like they were doing the
right thing.
But the untruths they werebelieving crowded out the truth
of who Jesus actually was, eventhough he's right there with
them.
It's kind of unbelievable.
Yet I know I can relate to thatmyself.
We go to church and we'realways interested to hear what
(07:50):
the pastor says and we know,generally speaking, what God and
Jesus are all about.
But we're so into doing thingsthat are right in our own eyes,
making up our own version oftruth to live like we want to
live.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
I do it all the time, curious but not quite willing
to buy all in, and then I end upbelieving the lie.
So let's go to John, chapter 8right now, starting in verse 31.
Jesus turned to the Jews whoclaimed to believe in him and
said this you are truly mydisciples.
Or guess what?
You can be my disciples if youremain faithful to my teachings,
if you follow my truth.
(08:24):
You will know the truth then,and the truth will set you free.
He's basically saying it'savailable, but here's how you
get it.
So it's in what Jesus teachesus that we find the truth to
debunk the lies, the myths thatwe've maybe not even realized
we're believing, the ones thatactually shape our opinion of
our husband or our wife, or evenour marriage.
So let's jump into a big one.
(08:45):
I think that most of us canrelate to David.
The myth is marriage will makeme happy.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, Well, see if these words sound familiar to
you.
All men are created equal.
They're endowed by theircreator with certain unalienable
rights.
Among these are life, libertyand the pursuit of happiness.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Okay, you guys all know those words.
We've learned them inelementary school.
We probably had to memorizethem in like eighth grade for
our DC field trip or something.
They are words that our countrywas founded on, and I think
that our founding fathers wrotethem with good intent but left
to individual interpretation.
Well, we can see the results ofthat all around us, because if
(09:26):
I believe I have a right tohappiness, guess what I'm going
to do?
I'm going to make everyone andeverything around me try to make
me happy.
The belief determines theactions.
So let me give you a real storythat happened in my life.
So I was on the phone with afriend and her marriage was not
going well, and I knew where hermind had already gone.
(09:46):
When she asked me this question, she said Tracy, I'm not happy,
and wouldn't God want me to behappy?
And I remember where I wasstanding when she said this to
me.
I remember what house we livedin.
It was a yikes moment.
Why?
Because the next step for herthat quickly followed this was
well, since this marriage isn'tmaking me happy, then it needs
(10:07):
to end and someone else, whoshe'd already picked out, will
make me happy.
Scary, scary stuff, and you cantrace many divorce proceedings
back to this very belief.
If you're still married andyou're thinking this, let's talk
.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And we're not kidding about.
Let's talk.
I mean you can email us atquestions at vows to keepcom.
That's questions at vows tokeepcom.
You can send us an email.
We'd love to connect with you.
If the myth is that marriagewill make me happy, the truth is
actually that marriage isjoyful, but it's not the source
of joy.
When I was 18, I thought youknow what?
(10:42):
I'm not going to be happyunless I'm married.
And when I was boy, every pieceof my life, every part of life,
would suddenly fit togetherlike this puzzle that I hadn't
been able to figure out yet.
Picture would finally becomplete, I would be complete,
but God had to bring me to apoint, even before Tracy and I
(11:02):
started dating, that I got downon my face and my heart was
totally open for the Lord and Irealized that marriage, even to
the perfect girl, would notdeliver the image that was in my
head.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
What's so interesting about that is I had the exact
same experience about the exactsame time.
God really had to get a hold ofmy heart where I finally
understood, whether married ornot, my contentment came from
God, and God alone.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
God never promised that marriage would be what
would make us happy, but he toldus how to be blessed and happy.
(11:48):
Listen to Psalm 1.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
So let's put this in real, practical terms inside the
four walls of David and I'shouse terms, inside the four
walls of David and I's house.
So I've noticed that when Ichoose to treat him with respect
, when I feel like beingdisrespectful guess what happens
that makes me really happy.
Even when it's hard, or when Iforgive, all of a sudden I can
be lighthearted towards you, andbefore that wasn't even
(12:12):
possible.
When I choose to be your bestfriend, it's easy to be lovers.
I'm so glad God createdmarriage to be joyous, but, like
I, possible.
When I choose to be your bestfriend, it's easy to be lovers.
I'm so glad God createdmarriage to be joyous.
But, like I said, there aregoing to be those hard days.
It's a battle to choose,sometimes patience over
frustration, grace over a grudge.
We're real people, like we dealwith this stuff all the time.
But when I choose God's ways,when I follow his teachings,
(12:33):
like Jesus was telling the Jews,that's when I experience real
joy.
So the next time you're justlike smack dab in the middle of
one of those situations whereyou're going to have to choose
my way or God's way, I want youto think about James, chapter
one.
In fact.
I just encourage you to readthe whole chapter, count it all.
Joy, my brothers, when you meettrials of various kinds, and
(12:54):
those trials sometimes a lot oftimes are right here, For you
know that the testing of yourfaith produces patience.
Let patience have its perfectwork so that you'll be perfect
and complete, lacking in nothing.
This is real stuff that you canlive out in your home right now
.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
So if we forget where our life and our liberty come
from, because it's not ournation, it's not our
circumstances, we sadly will getto that point where we actually
do believe I have the right todemand happiness in my life and
because of that myth we makethat our end goal, sometimes
with things that don'tnecessarily seem convincingly
(13:30):
good.
If we get married to makeourselves happy, what happens
when you have your first fight?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Or your hundredth fight.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah, suddenly it all falls down.
The people in our nation andaround the world believe that
it's up to them to makethemselves happy, and we see
this so deeply entrenched in ourculture.
Right now, we live in a societythat is the epitome of Judges
17.6.
Let me read that In those days,Israel had no king.
Everyone did as they saw fit.
(13:59):
Everyone did what was right intheir own eyes.
So in your life, who is yourking?
Who rules you If you'regoverned by your own laws, and
one of them is that your spouseis responsible for your
happiness.
You just put them in a positionthey were never meant to
fulfill.
Your spouse is not responsiblefor your happiness.
(14:19):
You aren't even responsible foryour happiness.
You just put them in a positionthey were never meant to
fulfill.
Your spouse is not responsiblefor your happiness.
You aren't even responsible foryour happiness.
No-transcript.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
I've come to realize that when God is my master and
when I'm living my life like I'mhis servant and not like he's
mine, my goal is to bring himglory, that it really is a
joyful, adventurous existence.
So, david, if marriage isn'tmeant to make me happy, it
sounds like maybe I shouldn'tget married in the first place,
right?
Well, not exactly, because thatleads us to our next myth
(14:52):
Marriage takes all the fun outof a relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
And I bet there's been a hundred guys listening to
my voice right now.
Who've heard that one hangingout in the garage with their
buds or out in the golf greenwith their friends?
They're hearing complaintsabout how, when the knot is tied
, the romance dies, and now it'sjust mortgage payments and
diapers.
Going to work every day to feedan ungrateful family and mowing
(15:16):
the yard on the weekends forrelief.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And I've heard this one a lot when the kids are
grown, getting a part-time jobjust so I can get away from my
spouse.
Here's the deal, though.
Actually, marriage rocks.
God actually created it to rock.
When I think about the ways thatGod created male and female and
how he wired each of us, how hegifted each of us and put us in
relationship, it's reallybeyond my comprehension, because
(15:40):
marriage is unlike any otherrelationship on earth.
Right From the creation of thefirst man and woman, God had
something special in mind thiscovenant relationship.
It's not intended to be a 2drelationship.
This is a multi-dimensionalthing.
God created marriage to provideus a picture of christ's
relationship with the church.
(16:01):
He made marriage to show us oursinful, selfish nature, which
comes out all the time.
He puts two sinners togetherfor a lifetime, and you're going
to get an expected outcomeyou're going to get sin.
It's a crucible, a fire meantto refine our expected outcome.
You're going to get sin.
It's a crucible, a fire meantto refine our character.
It gives us the opportunity tolove like Jesus loved.
That's probably my favoritepart of marriage to live in the
(16:22):
adventure of laying down my lifefor my spouse just like Jesus
did.
Let's look at 1 John, 3, 23 and24.
That says this this is hiscommand to believe in the name
of his son, Jesus Christ, and ifyou haven't done that, you can
do that right now.
Today you can believe in thename of Jesus as your savior.
And the result of that is thenext part of the verse To love
(16:44):
one another, as he commanded us.
The one who keeps God'scommands lives in him and he in
them.
I think the scripture Davidtotally refutes the myth that
marriage is boring.
What an exciting thing it is toenter into marriage when we
follow God's commands.
You're never going toexperience a boring day with
your spouse if you make plansand carry them out to love and
(17:06):
bless your spouse like Jesus did.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I want to say that again you will never experience
a boring day with your spouse ifyou make plans every day to
love and bless them like Jesusloves and blesses you.
What actually takes the fun outof marriage is something that
is actually really addressableand that is sin Sin of not
fulfilling our role in ourmarriage, living a marriage
(17:29):
that's based upon a checklist ofto-dos, one repeat of the same
day over and over again, justsurviving barely.
Of course, that's not going tobe real fun.
If there's bitterness and sinthat's been undealt with between
you, yeah, guess what?
Not cool.
It's not going to be fun.
If you're trying to fulfillyour spouse's role because
(17:49):
they're not or you're not doingwhat God is asking you to do,
you're probably going to startlooking for fun in other
relationships and interests.
If your spouse isn't your bestfriend, isn't your biggest
champion, your emotions can tellyou very quickly, man, this
woman is cramping my style.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Leaving these issues unsolved is going to make you
feel like you're attached tothis ball and chain relationship
.
Those unsolvable things justtend to get bigger if they're
not dealt with, and then it's soeasy to believe this third myth
that we're going to talk about.
Marriage is, or is becoming, anoutdated institution that needs
to be done away with, andthat's a lie that many have
taken on as their own personalmantra.
(18:30):
It's like Eve in the gardenSomething was offered to her
that looked very attractive, waybetter than what God had
suggested, and that's what we'vebeen doing in our society
lately putting living togetheron a pedestal and marriage just
kind of drops down to the bottomof the barrel.
Eve was lied to and she boughtinto that, that God's ways
weren't the best.
They weren't even the only ways.
(18:51):
There are other options.
She wanted to be satisfied in away that wasn't God's best.
Christians and non-Christiansalike, I think, are taking a
bite of a similar lie that thegrass is greener on the other
side, that marriage is bad for arelationship and that living
together is going to give youyour cake and you can eat it too
.
It boils down to this If you'reputting your security in a
(19:13):
piece of paper in a marriagelicense, then you're looking at
marriage wrong.
Or if you're putting yoursecurity in not having that
piece of paper, you're lookingat marriage wrong.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
The truth that frees us from these myths is that
marriage is God's idea.
He created it.
It was his plan for man andwife to do what we do inside a
marriage.
It's not wrong.
For someone who wants to remainpure and single, that's fine.
But marriage is required fortwo people who want to party it
up in a bedroom, who want to beintimate, who want to have a
(19:42):
long-term relationship.
Like this God said in Genesis2.18, it's not good for man to
be alone, and I second that.
So he's going to make a helper.
That was suitable for Adam.
And so God made Eve and broughther to Adam, and I can only
picture that moment.
Here's God in all of hismajesty and glory and he brings
(20:03):
a handcrafted gift for Adam.
And then, like an artist, hepresents his creation.
And here's Adam's response fromGenesis 2.23.
He says wow, this is now boneof my bone and flesh of my flesh
.
Imagine this amazement as theystand there together, naked and
unashamed, totally willing toenter into a covenant
(20:23):
relationship with God as theirwitness.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
I don't know about you, but to me that is
astonishingly beautiful.
That is awesome.
It is something we need to bereminded of, even though we know
that some lawmaker in the darkages did not come up with
marriage.
It was God's idea from the verybeginning.
So if you're in a marriageright now that seems isolated,
just far away, removed from thatbeautiful relationship that we
(20:49):
see God intended, we caution youhighly not to believe the next
myth we're going to talk abouttoday, which is I married the
wrong person.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
If things are tense in your house, if you're just
existing next to each other,just cordially going through
life together, but you're notconnected in any way, maybe you
don't feel like you're happy inyour relationship, or you feel
emotionally flat, or you thinkof your spouse and time together
and your emotions actuallyflare up.
Tempers flare up.
(21:19):
We are aggressive, we'recaustic.
You may be telling yourself.
You know what?
This marriage isn't workingbecause I married the wrong
person.
The wrong decision happenedyears ago when I tied this knot,
and I think this lie can beespecially easy to believe when
the sin of that other personseems insurmountable.
Maybe it's a sexual sin.
(21:39):
Maybe it's an emotional affairthat your spouse is having with
someone else.
Maybe you just discovered thatpornography is a fight for your
spouse.
Maybe there's been dishonesty,extreme rage and anger.
All of these things disrupt theunity that God has intended
inside of our marriagerelationship.
And when sin butts its uglyhead into our daily life, what
(22:01):
do we want to do?
Well, we want to run the otherway.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Absolutely.
I know there's been times whereI've wanted to be free from
David's sin.
I'm sure he's felt the same wayfor me.
It's not our default to turntowards one another in this time
because we feel angry andbetrayed and hurt.
But in the mess that sincreates, you can tell yourself
that line.
It's so easy to believe Imarried the wrong person that
there's no way on this greenearth that this person could
(22:25):
possibly be my soulmate.
So we jump to there must besomeone out there who is the
right person and we subtly ormaybe even not so subtly start
looking for our spouse'sreplacement.
Here's the truth.
The person you're married toright now is the person God
wants you to stay married to.
And not only that God has givenyou tools in his word to be
successful in marriage.
(22:45):
Don't believe the lie that youmarried the wrong person.
God has a great plan for youand your spouse together, even
if that person is not aChristian or is a Christian and
isn't living according to God'sword.
In fact, next time David on Vowsto Keep Radio.
That's where we're going tostart, because that is where a
lot of us find ourselves in ourmarriage.
(23:05):
We feel like we're trying to dothe right thing and we see our
spouse as dead weight.
We see, if I could just maybestart over that things would be
better If I could just hit therefresh button and marry someone
else, maybe someone who'sstrong after the Lord, then I
could accomplish God's will andGod's purpose for my life.
Well, that's another lie,another myth we're going to jump
into next time.
(23:26):
So don't miss that here on Vowsto Keep Radio and along with
that we're also going to talkabout is marriage 50-50?
.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Is that a myth, or is that the truth?
Speaker 3 (23:35):
In this series we're also going to be talking about.
If I marry the right person,that means I should always feel
in love with this person.
Should our kids come first inour marriage, and are some
marriages just beyond repair?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
All these myths and more we'll be addressing over
the next few weeks.
Hit our website VowsToKeepcom,and again if you have questions
about your own marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Feel free to email us at questions at VowsToKeepcom.
Vows to Keep is supported by ateam which includes biblical
coaches, writers and pastoraladvisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:24):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities but would
like to help support Vows toKeep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, Listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Hey, we're David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we
have made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
Amen to that.
I was thinking the other dayabout the time, David, back in
about 2014, when the neurologistwalked into the room with good
news the symptoms that had takenme to the hospital that night
with you looked to be of noconsequence, which was awesome
news.
But then he asked me thisquestion and it felt like it was
completely out of the blue.
(00:48):
They were just about to dismissme to go home and he said how
long have you been havingmigraines?
And I remember looking at youand then looking back at the
doctor and I said I have neverhad a migraine.
He looked at his clipboard thathad my MRI results and he said
you've been having migraines foryears Now, since I was a
teenager and, david, you knowthis too because you've seen me
(01:09):
experience.
I had headaches and I hadstruggled with vomiting and
extreme motion sickness, and Ialways thought it was my sinuses
.
I'd been to lots of specialists, I'd been on countless
antibiotics for sinus infections, but as I learned the symptoms
of the migraine, that day,suddenly this light bulb went on
over my head.
I matched every single one andit wasn't even the diagnosis
(01:32):
that I was looking for.
But in that moment I realized Ihad been believing something
that wasn't true, and I've beenbelieving it for years, and I
had done everything I couldthink of to make the symptoms go
away.
And once I had the knowledge inhand of what was really going
on, I could tackle it in a waythat made sense.
There were telltale signs fortwo decades that I missed, and
as I was thinking about today'sbroadcast, this situation came
(01:53):
to mind because it describes theway that we think about our
marriages.
Sometimes we can go years andyears believing untruths about
our marriage and we try to fixthe problem with the best of
intentions, but it doesn't work.
I so wish that when I was 19years old I went to that first
sinus specialist, that theywould have dug just a little
(02:14):
deeper and asked some of theright questions to be told early
on.
Hey, this isn't what you think,it is.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
Wow, if only yeah, I can remember some of the first
years when we were dating howoften you'd get car sick and it
was crazy.
We're not neurologists, we'renot theologians, but we are
married and we've got the bestsource of truth, the only source
of truth, at our fingertips,and that's God's Word.
So over the next severalbroadcasts we're going to tackle
(02:40):
some marriage myths.
We'll call them.
Just like Tracy had thesesymptoms that were gone for
years that pointed her topinpoint a problem that actually
wasn't there and to not focuson the one that actually was
there.
Marriage myths are like that.
They're easy to believe, and Ithink a lot of us actually do
believe many of the things we'regoing to be talking about.
It's never free to believe alie.
(03:03):
They always cost us something.
They always derail us from whatthe real potential is.
They cost our marriages deeplyif we fall for them.
Speaker 3 (03:11):
It's so important, david, I think, to constantly
evaluate what do I believe aboutmy marriage, because if you
just ask me, hey, do you believewe're on solid ground right now
, I'd say sure, do you thinkthat we have the answer to our
problems?
Absolutely Like.
In general, I feel like I'vegot the fundamentals of marriage
down pretty well, but I've gotto be pretty transparent with
(03:32):
myself about my answers, becausethey can shift and change sort
of based on my emotions.
Sometimes what I have to do isgo back to God's word every time
.
Can I back up what I'mbelieving with God's word every
time?
Can I back up what I'mbelieving with?
Speaker 2 (03:44):
God's word, because if we can't, then a lot of times
it's the truth that we haveinvented, or we've picked up
from someone else who they'veinvented, some truth that serves
them well, but you know what?
That's exactly what a myth is.
That's exactly what a lie is.
We tend to buy into what'sconvenient, what's popular and
(04:04):
what's going to serve me thebest, what's going to get me out
of this emotional jam that I'min 2 Timothy, chapter 4, has
something interesting to say tous about this, For a time is
coming.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
verse 3 says when people will no longer listen to
sound and wholesome teaching,they will follow their own
desires and will look forteachers who will tell them
whatever their itching ears wantto hear.
They will reject the truth.
2 Timothy 4.4 says and guesswhat?
They will chase after myths.
(04:35):
Whenever I've heard this verse,David, I've thought about
people looking for differentchurches, looking for the pastor
to kind of tell them what theywant to hear.
But we're honestly looking forteaching everywhere we go.
We're looking for teaching onthe internet, typing in Google
searches that will give us theanswers we are looking for.
We're not looking for soundteaching from God's word anymore
(04:57):
.
We're looking for someone totell us that our own sinful
desires are right.
And when we hear that, when wefeel justified in our own truth,
we will reject the truth and wewill chase after myths.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
If it's not from God's word, if it's not what he
asks out of our lives, then itis a trap, and long before we
can fall down into these pitsthat we don't even remember
digging ourselves into, we haveto be willing to examine these
things through God's word.
Living in these lies is not aplace of freedom.
(05:32):
The truth is what sets us free,and there's a verse that's
awesomely reminds us of freedom.
The truth is what sets us free,and there's a verse that's
awesomely reminds us of that.
Speaker 3 (05:39):
That verse that we're going to read in just a minute,
that the truth will set youfree, comes from John, chapter 8
.
And in that same chapter, jesussays that when Satan speaks, he
speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the
father of lies.
In fact, 2 Corinthians 11 saysthat Satan even disguises
himself as an angel of light.
(06:00):
That's how lies go.
They always have a piece oftruth in them.
They are disguised enough tomake us believe that they are
the truth.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
So, in this series of marriage myths that maybe you
didn't even know you werebelieving, we're going to go
look at some of the distortedillusions that look somewhat
right at first glance but areabsolutely not true.
The first one, being marriage,is here to make me happy.
The second one, marriage, iswhat's going to take all of the
fun out of your relationship.
The third marriage mythmarriage is becoming an outdated
(06:34):
institution.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
And one of the other ones we're going to talk about a
lot is I married the wrongperson.
I think these are lies thatmost of us have believed at one
time or another.
I bet, even if one of thesedoesn't ring a bell with you,
that somebody in your life, acouple in your life, is thinking
this right now, and we're goingto give you, guys, the tools
you need to debunk these myths,because the truth really is
(07:00):
what's going to set us free.
Like David said, that comesfrom a verse in God's word.
It comes from a realconversation that Jesus was
having with some Jews, where heis in John, chapter eight.
Now I want you to kind ofpicture this scene here with me.
These guys are following Jesusaround, they're in close
proximity to him.
They probably haven't lunchedtogether Yet.
Jesus sees right through towhat they really think.
(07:21):
He says.
I can see that there's no roomin your hearts for me, even
though you're claiming tobelieve in me.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
These are people who are curious.
I mean, they're still livingtheir lives according to their
own rules, but they wanted tolook like they were doing the
right thing.
But the untruths they werebelieving crowded out the truth
of who Jesus actually was, eventhough he's right there with
them.
It's kind of unbelievable.
Yet I know I can relate to thatmyself.
We go to church and we'realways interested to hear what
(07:50):
the pastor says and we know,generally speaking, what God and
Jesus are all about.
But we're so into doing thingsthat are right in our own eyes,
making up our own version oftruth to live like we want to
live.
Speaker 3 (08:03):
I do it all the time, curious but not quite willing
to buy all in, and then I end upbelieving the lie.
So let's go to John, chapter 8right now, starting in verse 31.
Jesus turned to the Jews whoclaimed to believe in him and
said this you are truly mydisciples.
Or guess what?
You can be my disciples if youremain faithful to my teachings,
if you follow my truth.
(08:24):
You will know the truth then,and the truth will set you free.
He's basically saying it'savailable, but here's how you
get it.
So it's in what Jesus teachesus that we find the truth to
debunk the lies, the myths thatwe've maybe not even realized
we're believing, the ones thatactually shape our opinion of
our husband or our wife, or evenour marriage.
So let's jump into a big one.
(08:45):
I think that most of us canrelate to David.
The myth is marriage will makeme happy.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, Well, see if these words sound familiar to
you.
All men are created equal.
They're endowed by theircreator with certain unalienable
rights.
Among these are life, libertyand the pursuit of happiness.
Speaker 3 (09:05):
Okay, you guys all know those words.
We've learned them inelementary school.
We probably had to memorizethem in like eighth grade for
our DC field trip or something.
They are words that our countrywas founded on, and I think
that our founding fathers wrotethem with good intent but left
to individual interpretation.
Well, we can see the results ofthat all around us, because if
(09:26):
I believe I have a right tohappiness, guess what I'm going
to do?
I'm going to make everyone andeverything around me try to make
me happy.
The belief determines theactions.
So let me give you a real storythat happened in my life.
So I was on the phone with afriend and her marriage was not
going well, and I knew where hermind had already gone.
(09:46):
When she asked me this question, she said Tracy, I'm not happy,
and wouldn't God want me to behappy?
And I remember where I wasstanding when she said this to
me.
I remember what house we livedin.
It was a yikes moment.
Why?
Because the next step for herthat quickly followed this was
well, since this marriage isn'tmaking me happy, then it needs
(10:07):
to end and someone else, whoshe'd already picked out, will
make me happy.
Scary, scary stuff, and you cantrace many divorce proceedings
back to this very belief.
If you're still married andyou're thinking this, let's talk
.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
And we're not kidding about.
Let's talk.
I mean you can email us atquestions at vows to keepcom.
That's questions at vows tokeepcom.
You can send us an email.
We'd love to connect with you.
If the myth is that marriagewill make me happy, the truth is
actually that marriage isjoyful, but it's not the source
of joy.
When I was 18, I thought youknow what?
(10:42):
I'm not going to be happyunless I'm married.
And when I was boy, every pieceof my life, every part of life,
would suddenly fit togetherlike this puzzle that I hadn't
been able to figure out yet.
Picture would finally becomplete, I would be complete,
but God had to bring me to apoint, even before Tracy and I
(11:02):
started dating, that I got downon my face and my heart was
totally open for the Lord and Irealized that marriage, even to
the perfect girl, would notdeliver the image that was in my
head.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
What's so interesting about that is I had the exact
same experience about the exactsame time.
God really had to get a hold ofmy heart where I finally
understood, whether married ornot, my contentment came from
God, and God alone.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
God never promised that marriage would be what
would make us happy, but he toldus how to be blessed and happy.
(11:48):
Listen to Psalm 1.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
So let's put this in real, practical terms inside the
four walls of David and I'shouse terms, inside the four
walls of David and I's house.
So I've noticed that when Ichoose to treat him with respect
, when I feel like beingdisrespectful guess what happens
that makes me really happy.
Even when it's hard, or when Iforgive, all of a sudden I can
be lighthearted towards you, andbefore that wasn't even
(12:12):
possible.
When I choose to be your bestfriend, it's easy to be lovers.
I'm so glad God createdmarriage to be joyous, but, like
I, possible.
When I choose to be your bestfriend, it's easy to be lovers.
I'm so glad God createdmarriage to be joyous.
But, like I said, there aregoing to be those hard days.
It's a battle to choose,sometimes patience over
frustration, grace over a grudge.
We're real people, like we dealwith this stuff all the time.
But when I choose God's ways,when I follow his teachings,
(12:33):
like Jesus was telling the Jews,that's when I experience real
joy.
So the next time you're justlike smack dab in the middle of
one of those situations whereyou're going to have to choose
my way or God's way, I want youto think about James, chapter
one.
In fact.
I just encourage you to readthe whole chapter, count it all.
Joy, my brothers, when you meettrials of various kinds, and
(12:54):
those trials sometimes a lot oftimes are right here, For you
know that the testing of yourfaith produces patience.
Let patience have its perfectwork so that you'll be perfect
and complete, lacking in nothing.
This is real stuff that you canlive out in your home right now
.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
So if we forget where our life and our liberty come
from, because it's not ournation, it's not our
circumstances, we sadly will getto that point where we actually
do believe I have the right todemand happiness in my life and
because of that myth we makethat our end goal, sometimes
with things that don'tnecessarily seem convincingly
(13:30):
good.
If we get married to makeourselves happy, what happens
when you have your first fight?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Or your hundredth fight.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Yeah, suddenly it all falls down.
The people in our nation andaround the world believe that
it's up to them to makethemselves happy, and we see
this so deeply entrenched in ourculture.
Right now, we live in a societythat is the epitome of Judges
17.6.
Let me read that In those days,Israel had no king.
Everyone did as they saw fit.
(13:59):
Everyone did what was right intheir own eyes.
So in your life, who is yourking?
Who rules you If you'regoverned by your own laws, and
one of them is that your spouseis responsible for your
happiness.
You just put them in a positionthey were never meant to
fulfill.
Your spouse is not responsiblefor your happiness.
(14:19):
You aren't even responsible foryour happiness.
You just put them in a positionthey were never meant to
fulfill.
Your spouse is not responsiblefor your happiness.
You aren't even responsible foryour happiness.
No-transcript.
Speaker 3 (14:30):
I've come to realize that when God is my master and
when I'm living my life like I'mhis servant and not like he's
mine, my goal is to bring himglory, that it really is a
joyful, adventurous existence.
So, david, if marriage isn'tmeant to make me happy, it
sounds like maybe I shouldn'tget married in the first place,
right?
Well, not exactly, because thatleads us to our next myth
(14:52):
Marriage takes all the fun outof a relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
And I bet there's been a hundred guys listening to
my voice right now.
Who've heard that one hangingout in the garage with their
buds or out in the golf greenwith their friends?
They're hearing complaintsabout how, when the knot is tied
, the romance dies, and now it'sjust mortgage payments and
diapers.
Going to work every day to feedan ungrateful family and mowing
(15:16):
the yard on the weekends forrelief.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
And I've heard this one a lot when the kids are
grown, getting a part-time jobjust so I can get away from my
spouse.
Here's the deal, though.
Actually, marriage rocks.
God actually created it to rock.
When I think about the ways thatGod created male and female and
how he wired each of us, how hegifted each of us and put us in
relationship, it's reallybeyond my comprehension, because
(15:40):
marriage is unlike any otherrelationship on earth.
Right From the creation of thefirst man and woman, God had
something special in mind thiscovenant relationship.
It's not intended to be a 2drelationship.
This is a multi-dimensionalthing.
God created marriage to provideus a picture of christ's
relationship with the church.
(16:01):
He made marriage to show us oursinful, selfish nature, which
comes out all the time.
He puts two sinners togetherfor a lifetime, and you're going
to get an expected outcomeyou're going to get sin.
It's a crucible, a fire meantto refine our expected outcome.
You're going to get sin.
It's a crucible, a fire meantto refine our character.
It gives us the opportunity tolove like Jesus loved.
That's probably my favoritepart of marriage to live in the
(16:22):
adventure of laying down my lifefor my spouse just like Jesus
did.
Let's look at 1 John, 3, 23 and24.
That says this this is hiscommand to believe in the name
of his son, Jesus Christ, and ifyou haven't done that, you can
do that right now.
Today you can believe in thename of Jesus as your savior.
And the result of that is thenext part of the verse To love
(16:44):
one another, as he commanded us.
The one who keeps God'scommands lives in him and he in
them.
I think the scripture Davidtotally refutes the myth that
marriage is boring.
What an exciting thing it is toenter into marriage when we
follow God's commands.
You're never going toexperience a boring day with
your spouse if you make plansand carry them out to love and
(17:06):
bless your spouse like Jesus did.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
I want to say that again you will never experience
a boring day with your spouse ifyou make plans every day to
love and bless them like Jesusloves and blesses you.
What actually takes the fun outof marriage is something that
is actually really addressableand that is sin Sin of not
fulfilling our role in ourmarriage, living a marriage
(17:29):
that's based upon a checklist ofto-dos, one repeat of the same
day over and over again, justsurviving barely.
Of course, that's not going tobe real fun.
If there's bitterness and sinthat's been undealt with between
you, yeah, guess what?
Not cool.
It's not going to be fun.
If you're trying to fulfillyour spouse's role because
(17:49):
they're not or you're not doingwhat God is asking you to do,
you're probably going to startlooking for fun in other
relationships and interests.
If your spouse isn't your bestfriend, isn't your biggest
champion, your emotions can tellyou very quickly, man, this
woman is cramping my style.
Speaker 3 (18:09):
Leaving these issues unsolved is going to make you
feel like you're attached tothis ball and chain relationship
.
Those unsolvable things justtend to get bigger if they're
not dealt with, and then it's soeasy to believe this third myth
that we're going to talk about.
Marriage is, or is becoming, anoutdated institution that needs
to be done away with, andthat's a lie that many have
taken on as their own personalmantra.
(18:30):
It's like Eve in the gardenSomething was offered to her
that looked very attractive, waybetter than what God had
suggested, and that's what we'vebeen doing in our society
lately putting living togetheron a pedestal and marriage just
kind of drops down to the bottomof the barrel.
Eve was lied to and she boughtinto that, that God's ways
weren't the best.
They weren't even the only ways.
(18:51):
There are other options.
She wanted to be satisfied in away that wasn't God's best.
Christians and non-Christiansalike, I think, are taking a
bite of a similar lie that thegrass is greener on the other
side, that marriage is bad for arelationship and that living
together is going to give youyour cake and you can eat it too
.
It boils down to this If you'reputting your security in a
(19:13):
piece of paper in a marriagelicense, then you're looking at
marriage wrong.
Or if you're putting yoursecurity in not having that
piece of paper, you're lookingat marriage wrong.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
The truth that frees us from these myths is that
marriage is God's idea.
He created it.
It was his plan for man andwife to do what we do inside a
marriage.
It's not wrong.
For someone who wants to remainpure and single, that's fine.
But marriage is required fortwo people who want to party it
up in a bedroom, who want to beintimate, who want to have a
(19:42):
long-term relationship.
Like this God said in Genesis2.18, it's not good for man to
be alone, and I second that.
So he's going to make a helper.
That was suitable for Adam.
And so God made Eve and broughther to Adam, and I can only
picture that moment.
Here's God in all of hismajesty and glory and he brings
(20:03):
a handcrafted gift for Adam.
And then, like an artist, hepresents his creation.
And here's Adam's response fromGenesis 2.23.
He says wow, this is now boneof my bone and flesh of my flesh
.
Imagine this amazement as theystand there together, naked and
unashamed, totally willing toenter into a covenant
(20:23):
relationship with God as theirwitness.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
I don't know about you, but to me that is
astonishingly beautiful.
That is awesome.
It is something we need to bereminded of, even though we know
that some lawmaker in the darkages did not come up with
marriage.
It was God's idea from the verybeginning.
So if you're in a marriageright now that seems isolated,
just far away, removed from thatbeautiful relationship that we
(20:49):
see God intended, we caution youhighly not to believe the next
myth we're going to talk abouttoday, which is I married the
wrong person.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
If things are tense in your house, if you're just
existing next to each other,just cordially going through
life together, but you're notconnected in any way, maybe you
don't feel like you're happy inyour relationship, or you feel
emotionally flat, or you thinkof your spouse and time together
and your emotions actuallyflare up.
Tempers flare up.
(21:19):
We are aggressive, we'recaustic.
You may be telling yourself.
You know what?
This marriage isn't workingbecause I married the wrong
person.
The wrong decision happenedyears ago when I tied this knot,
and I think this lie can beespecially easy to believe when
the sin of that other personseems insurmountable.
Maybe it's a sexual sin.
(21:39):
Maybe it's an emotional affairthat your spouse is having with
someone else.
Maybe you just discovered thatpornography is a fight for your
spouse.
Maybe there's been dishonesty,extreme rage and anger.
All of these things disrupt theunity that God has intended
inside of our marriagerelationship.
And when sin butts its uglyhead into our daily life, what
(22:01):
do we want to do?
Well, we want to run the otherway.
Speaker 3 (22:04):
Absolutely.
I know there's been times whereI've wanted to be free from
David's sin.
I'm sure he's felt the same wayfor me.
It's not our default to turntowards one another in this time
because we feel angry andbetrayed and hurt.
But in the mess that sincreates, you can tell yourself
that line.
It's so easy to believe Imarried the wrong person that
there's no way on this greenearth that this person could
(22:25):
possibly be my soulmate.
So we jump to there must besomeone out there who is the
right person and we subtly ormaybe even not so subtly start
looking for our spouse'sreplacement.
Here's the truth.
The person you're married toright now is the person God
wants you to stay married to.
And not only that God has givenyou tools in his word to be
successful in marriage.
(22:45):
Don't believe the lie that youmarried the wrong person.
God has a great plan for youand your spouse together, even
if that person is not aChristian or is a Christian and
isn't living according to God'sword.
In fact, next time David on Vowsto Keep Radio.
That's where we're going tostart, because that is where a
lot of us find ourselves in ourmarriage.
(23:05):
We feel like we're trying to dothe right thing and we see our
spouse as dead weight.
We see, if I could just maybestart over that things would be
better If I could just hit therefresh button and marry someone
else, maybe someone who'sstrong after the Lord, then I
could accomplish God's will andGod's purpose for my life.
Well, that's another lie,another myth we're going to jump
into next time.
(23:26):
So don't miss that here on Vowsto Keep Radio and along with
that we're also going to talkabout is marriage 50-50?
.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
Is that a myth, or is that the truth?
Speaker 3 (23:35):
In this series we're also going to be talking about.
If I marry the right person,that means I should always feel
in love with this person.
Should our kids come first inour marriage, and are some
marriages just beyond repair?
Speaker 2 (23:48):
All these myths and more we'll be addressing over
the next few weeks.
Hit our website VowsToKeepcom,and again if you have questions
about your own marriage.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Feel free to email us at questions at VowsToKeepcom.
Vows to Keep is supported by ateam which includes biblical
coaches, writers and pastoraladvisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:24):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities but would
like to help support Vows toKeep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, Listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, Ohio
.
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