September 22, 2025 • 24 mins
Myth Busters: The Truths Your Marriage Needs :: [Ep. 287]
This week, we expose common marriage myths that contradict biblical truth, challenging listeners to build marriages on God's design rather than cultural expectations.
We will cover the following:
• Online advice often seeks to validate decisions we've already made rather than offer true biblical guidance
• Marriage isn't meant to be 50-50 but 100-100, with both spouses giving completely as Christ did
• Feelings of being "in love" naturally fluctuate; the key is pleasing Jesus first, not demanding validation from your spouse
• Children won't save a troubled marriage; fix your foundation before expanding your family
• Kids need to see not just conflict resolution but also forgiveness and grace modeled in your marriage
• Being on mission together for God's kingdom creates stronger bonds than pursuing personal happiness
We pray you are helped and encouraged!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we
have made Vows to Keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
I was trying to look up something for Vows to Keep
the other day online and it wason my phone and I ran across
this article that had 30 plussuggestions of ways to know that
your marriage has pretty muchcome to an end.
And of course I had to read itbecause we represent just the
total opposite of what thisarticle was saying.
And it course I had to read itbecause we represent just the
total opposite of what thisarticle was saying and it was
(00:47):
giving readers basically acouple dozen lies that would
excuse them from staying intheir marriage.
The writer said if you canpicture your spouse with another
person and you're okay withthat, you can end your marriage.
It's totally fine.
Or if you just don't feelinvested in them anymore, you
don't want to hear about theirproblems.
It really brings you down totalk with them.
Well, guess what?
You can end your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
So I picture someone who's in a tough time and
they're searching for marriageadvice online and they find this
article.
Oh, that's me, they say tothemselves, because most people
that are looking on the internetare seeking approval for the
way that they feel they might bethinking that they're looking
(01:29):
for advice, but they're reallyjust looking for validation.
Can I go forward with what I'malready thinking?
And Christians are not exemptfrom this, even though I think a
lot of times we like to thinkthat we are.
So we ask our friends leadingquestions to get them to agree
with us about how awful ourmarriage is.
We seek advice that's going tojustify us leaving, just giving
us license, even if it's just toemotionally check out more.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
I think we look for license in other areas.
When I painted my house acouple of years ago and I
painted the interior, I waslooking online for other houses
that were in the kind of samecolor family because I wanted
validation that I was picking agood color.
If I want to go on a certaindiet, well, I'm going to go read
all the success stories that Ican for those who have done it
(02:10):
and been successful.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I can relate.
If I'm going to go buy a carpart or a tool, I might just
hone in on the five-star reviews, because that way I can feel
good about my choice.
It is no different when we'renot satisfied in our marriage.
We are seeking what justifiesus to take the next move that we
want.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
So we're going to go to God's Word right now.
If you have a Bible with you oryou've got one on your phone,
you're able to turn to 2 Timothy, chapter 4.
We're going to spend just acouple of minutes here and I'm
going to read to you verses 3through 6, and this is in the
Amplified version of the Bible,so it just kind of fleshes it
out a little bit more for us.
It says for the time will comewhen people will not tolerate
sound doctrine or an accurateinstruction that challenges them
(02:49):
with God's truth, but wantingto have their ears tickled with
something pleasing, they willaccumulate for themselves many
teachers, one after another,chosen to satisfy their own
desires and to support theerrors they hold.
They will turn their ears awayfrom the truth and will wander
off into myths and man-madefictions and will accept the
unacceptable.
Does this sound familiar in oursociety right now?
(03:10):
Maybe even you right now.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Based upon what you just read.
Tracy, if our pastor startedpreaching something bogus from
the pulpit, if he was saying,hey, you know, it's okay to lie
as long as it's to protectyourself, for example, we would
go and try to call that out.
I think most of us would.
But what other influencers haveyou aligned with?
And you have to ask yourselfare they actually teaching from
(03:34):
the word of God?
Because I think for most of us,hopefully, our pastor's on
point.
But there's all kinds of otherinfluencers in our life and many
of them have aligned themselveswith the world standards,
things that have snuck into whattheir message may be.
I turn to Google and YouTubeand social media and the quotes
(03:56):
and the songs that inspire me todo a lot of things I do, and a
lot of good can be found inthese places, but we have to be
discerning because there is alot of bad that's also available
.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Absolutely, and I can always know if I'm looking to
be justified in my actions.
If I'm not willing to take whatI've heard from a friend or
from some source and back it upwith scripture, Right then and
there I can tell where my heartis at.
If I'm avoiding guidance fromthe Lord, I'm clearly on a road
to become disobedient to him.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
And this is the very reason why, for the past two
broadcasts, we've been talkingabout marriage myths, the untrue
things that we've beeninfluenced by, guiding us away
from the healing that ourmarriage could have and into the
isolation and division that weoften do experience.
God, help us today to want whatyou want more than having our
(04:48):
ears tickled as that versetalked about.
Change our desires, lord, tolook more like you and your way.
So, part one of this broadcastseries, we tackled the marriage
myth that marriage will make mehappy, and in fact that is not
the purpose of marriage.
We talked about how marriage isintended to be one of those
(05:08):
refiners fires, if you will thattogether we will look more like
Christ by being in a marriagethat God is honored in.
Next, we tackled the marriagemyth that marriage takes all the
fun out of this relationship,and actually that's not true.
God invented sex and actuallythat's not true.
God invented sex and inside ofmarriage he's given carte
(05:29):
blanche access to more fun thanthe world could ever imagine.
Finally, we tackled the myththat marriage is an outdated
institution.
Well, that's not true.
It's designed to tell the worldabout a Jesus kind of love, a
love that's the most whensomeone deserves it the least,
and this may not be a messagethat people want to hear, but
it's the mission that God hasgiven us, as Christians, for our
(05:50):
marriage.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
And if you miss one of those and you want to go back
and hear how God's wordaddresses each of those, we
invite you to go tovowstokeepcom listen to part one
of this series, marriage Myths,and we started the second
broadcast last week week,considering this myth that
you've probably had come throughyour mind once or twice, or
maybe many times crud, I marriedthe wrong person.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
And a lot of times we justify that, or we hear people
justify that, even with God'sword.
Looking at verses like 2Corinthians, chapter 6, where it
talks about God wanting us tobe married to a Christian, yoked
up properly with a Christian,and we say, oh, but I'm not, and
in fact this person is holdingme back.
This will never work because ofthis.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
And that, thankfully, is not true, because being
unequally yoked does not voidthe covenant of your marriage.
God wants you to stay in thatmarriage and be on mission for
the soul of your spouse.
You're in a great spot ifthat's where you're at.
We also tackled this commonmarriage myth.
Some marriages are just beyondrepair.
They can't be fixed.
Maybe you've thought that aboutyour own marriage or about a
friend's marriage.
(06:53):
Well, we address that fromGod's word as well, and there is
a great answer.
So if you missed that, go tovasttokeepcom and listen to part
two of marriage myths.
You didn't know, you werebelieving, and we're going to
continue today talking aboutthese myths.
Marriage should be 50-50, right, that sounds equal.
That sounds fair.
We're going to talk about thatin just a second.
How about this one?
(07:14):
If I marry the right person, Iwill always feel in love with
them.
And finally, we'll wrap uptoday talking about myths that
affect our children.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
All right.
Well, let's jump into this.
In the business world, a lot ofpartnerships operate on this
50-50 sort of plan you scratchmy back, I'll scratch yours,
I'll do something, you pay me,and if things get lopsided, of
course, this relationship isover.
Yeah, pretty much by definition,not going to last, and we try
hard to apply this 50-50 plan inour marriages and in fact,
(07:44):
that's why so many people don'ttie the knot Before signing a
piece of paper that says we'regoing to get married.
I actually want to see thatyou're going to be consistent,
that you're going to meet mehalfway, and until I see track
record from you that proves thatthat's going to happen, I think
I'll just stay tentative inthis relationship and on the
surface this could actually seemlogical.
(08:05):
A lot of people feel like, yeah, this is the right path.
Why would you want to getmarried and then stay married to
someone who isn't putting inthe same amount of time and the
same amount of effort into yourrelationship?
You wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
But the way God's designed marriage, thankfully,
is so, so different.
You make a vow, not only toyour spouse but to God, that
you're going to remain committed, in fact, to God first and your
spouse second, and that's goingto happen no matter what.
But if you try to do the 50-50plan and maybe you have, maybe
you're in that right now youknow that you're on the wrong
(08:38):
track because you can see thefruit of it.
We've been there, we've triedto keep score.
It doesn't work.
In fact, the secret in ourmarriage is that we don't keep
score, or at least we workreally, really hard to not.
And if we do, we find ourselveslooking at those invisible
tally marks on our living roomwall I've got two and you've
only got one, so pay up.
We try to recognize that andmake it right with God first and
(09:02):
then with each other.
God designed marriage that bothof you would present to each
other and to the Lord 100% everysingle day, and that really is
based on Philippians, chapter 2.
I would welcome you to read thewhole chapter, where it talks
about how Jesus is our example.
He's the one who laid down hislife and actually considered
(09:24):
himself nothing and became aservant.
And he goes on to teach this donothing from selfish ambition
or vain conceit, but, inhumility, count each other as
more significant than yourself.
Not only should you look out toyour own interests, but also to
the interests of others, andespecially in your marriage
relationship, because if you do,you're going to thrive.
(09:44):
You're going to put aside yourown desires, seek to serve the
other, and there is so muchbenefit in that.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
So do you remember when you made your vows?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Well, part of those vows for many of us included
this line in sickness and inhealth.
Anyone who's been married forany length of time realizes that
there is times when someone isill, someone's injured, whether
that's physically or emotionally, and the healthy spouse needs
to step up and takeresponsibility for whatever
needs to be done.
And on those days or weeks ormonths or seasons of our lives,
(10:18):
sometimes marriage can feelreally unbalanced.
But it's interesting because inthose seasons God is most
glorified, especially in thecheerful giver moments, when
things are already far out ofbalance and you show some deep,
undeserved love.
That is when you show Jesus toeveryone who's watching.
(10:39):
Marriage feels unfair, becauseit often is unfair and it's not
supposed to be equal.
And look at our example ofChrist in the church.
We see this in Ephesians Jesusgoes and dies on the cross for
my sins.
That wasn't fair.
And as Christians in marriage,jesus prepares us to give more.
But the reality is sometimes wejust want to take more, and the
(11:01):
same goes for our spouse.
Rarely is the scale balanced.
And you know what, when it'sperfectly balanced, those aren't
the high points in anyone'smarriage that I've ever met.
There might be times whereyou're like, well, this is
easier, but they're not the onesthat bind you tightly together
in a covenant of oneness.
When you give yourself tosomeone completely before God
(11:22):
and you truly mean it and I meansomeone who had 100%
self-sacrifice that is anamazing covenant.
As a believer in that 50-50myth, it can actually feel kind
of good Like, oh, I'm doinggreat because I'm running
headlong into that first 50%.
But a lot of Christians feeljustified at stopping right at
(11:43):
that 50% point or that 60% point, and then they get mad when
they're like wait a second, I'vebeen giving more than I've been
receiving.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
That's that keeping score concept right there.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah, so remember this analogy that we talked
about in Ephesians 5.
We see this analogy betweenChrist and the church and a
marriage between a husband and awife.
When we stop, when we complainthat we are giving more than
we're receiving, we discreditGod's commitment to us.
We discredit the analogy ofChrist's commitment by showing
that he's only going to go sofar, he's only going to do
(12:15):
something to someone whose worksjustify it, and that's a gap
that anyone could fall into.
If this is a lie that you'rebelieving right now, this week,
it's time to cross the line,time to go past 50% all the way
to 100.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Absolutely.
Well, let's jump into numbertwo, this myth that you may have
believed.
I married this man or thiswoman 5, 10, 15, 20, 40 years
ago and I thought when I firstgot married hey, we should
always feel in love.
But right now I'm not reallyfeeling it.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, this reminds me of the car that I absolutely
adored, and probably many of usremember, a car that was super
special to us, like one that wetook better care of than we do
our kids now.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
That's not actually true.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
I'm just saying.
You know, there's some of thosethings that we really, really
idolize when we first get themand gradually, as the months and
the years go by and seasonschange and we go through the mud
and the muck, so to speak,things start to not look as nice
and as polished as they didwhen we first got started.
And then, three to five yearslater, we're taking that car we
(13:21):
once coveted and we're ready togo sell it and trade it in, and
it's in these low points that wesee our marriage and our spouse
kind of like that car.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Got the rock chips, it's time to go.
Men, through one too many SouthDakota snowstorms, I've heard
men and women talk about tradingin their spouse for a younger
model, or a different model, onethat excites them, one that
looks from the outside like theydon't have any flaws.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
And the problem isn't just with our lack of
commitment.
The problem is actuallybelieving the myth that there is
some fickle, short-sightedthing that could actually be
fulfilling to you.
Some are convinced that they'reon the right side of marriage
simply because they'resentimental.
They're committed, if you will.
It's a little bit like loyallybeing around Jesus makes you a
(14:09):
believer.
That is not true, and thisisn't how God designed that
relationship to look like either.
You can't just be in hispresence and be a believer.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
And when we look at our spouse, those flaws can feel
really evident.
And it's different for men andwomen.
I think women would be like,hey, he should always want to
talk with me.
Well, guess what, he doesn't.
He will always want to be mybest friend, but here he's
hanging out with somebody else.
He would at least show that hecares about me by listening and
he wants to be with me.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah, my wife should always want to be my lover.
She should always admire me,she should at least always
respect me, and if I would havemarried the right person, we
would be always in that state.
How we define love as men andwomen is not the same, but the
expectation there is prettyclear, and if I was to put this
myth in other terms, I'd say itthis way If you were the right
(14:59):
person, you would always want toserve me in the ways that I
would most appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
In a previous broadcast in this series, we
talked about Jesus in Johnchapter 8.
He had people that werefollowing him around and they
were claiming they werecommitted to him.
And here's his response becausehe wanted to show them their
hearts.
He said you are truly mydisciples if you remain faithful
to my teachings.
They were trying to be realclose and yet they weren't doing
(15:26):
what would please God.
Some of us feel like Jesussaying to our spouse if you love
me, you do what I like, but letthis sink in.
The myth is that I should seemy spouse desire to do what will
please me.
That is the result I'm lookingfor and I should get that result
.
Well, the truth is that weshould always see our spouse's
desire not to please us, but toplease Jesus, and that is a
(15:48):
total game changer and it takesthis myth right out of play.
If we don't see them pleasingJesus, they aren't going to be
pleasing us either.
But stay with me, don't be moreoffended that you aren't being
pleased.
Be more concerned for theirlack of desire to please their
Savior, and then help them backup onto that path.
In John chapter 8, jesus istalking to these Jews that claim
(16:10):
they believe in him and they'refollowing him around.
They want to hear what he hadto say.
They were close to him, butthey were so far away in their
hearts.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And we most certainly can have a spouse like that,
but more than often we areactually the spouse that is like
that, similar to what thesepeople are doing, kind of
following Jesus around and faraway in our hearts.
Be in love with Jesus.
Let yourself be loved by Jesus.
This is the only certainty thatwe can really have as a
(16:39):
Christian.
Don't put your spouse in thevalidation spot that God should
be in.
I mean, god is your maker, godis your rock.
To put your spouse in thevalidation spot that God should
be in I mean God is your maker,god is your rock To put your
spouse in that spot is reallysetting them up for failure.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I've met happy couples.
We've met happy couples whohave worked in each other's
lives to faithfully follow Jesus.
They're building God's kingdomtogether and it's not all
peaches and cream.
Really.
It's tiring sometimes to dothat work without thanks that
many times.
But they didn't become firstclass followers of Jesus at the
same time or at the same pace,but they spurred one another on.
(17:13):
I think a lot of times we waitfor our spouse to get to a
certain point, wait for them toplease us, and then we try to
get on board.
We grow at different rates andyou are put in your spouse's
life to help them to grow.
So don't just follow Jesusaround.
You're going to church, you'reattending small group.
Be a true follower, a truedisciple of Jesus, a giver who
(17:34):
inspires your spouse to be agiver, not for your kingdom
Don't demand that but for God'skingdom.
You're going to start out beinga better giver, probably, but
you're going to inspire them togrow.
Then you've got two people withdifferent strengths and you're
going to be more capabletogether than you could be of
heart.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
So to accomplish that , your husband obviously should
enjoy talking to you, he shouldbe your best friend, he should
want to be with you.
But when he doesn't give himwhat he doesn't deserve, even
when it doesn't pay off for you,this side of heaven, Absolutely
, and your wife should want tobe your lover.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
That's the way God's designed it.
She should admire you, sheshould respect you, but when
she's not and that's going tohappen, exactly what David just
said give her what she doesn'tdeserve, even when it won't pay
off for you, this side of heaven.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Your spouse may not feel cool right now, but invest,
restore and know that theirvalue can't be measured by what
you see today.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
So the next myth we're going to talk about today
is about kids, kids in marriageand how this all fits together.
So, david, I've seen this inmovies, I've seen this in real
life A couple, they're engagedin war with each other.
They just had their, you know,like 10th divisive month long
disagreement and then they havesome success.
They've got one of thosebattles finally has some
resolution.
(18:48):
Maybe they're trying to meeteach other 50-50 and they feel
really good about it right now.
There's so much excitement aboutthe fact that they've made it
through to the other side of theargument that they get excited
about taking their relationshipto the next level.
And a lot of times it's thisconversation hey, we should try
to get pregnant, we should havekids.
Like, having kids will cementour relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Let's be honest here as much love and joy as children
can bring into our lives, theycan also be pretty stressful.
Parenting, especially whenthey're babies and toddlers, who
you can't always understand,can be very taxing physically,
mentally and emotionally.
So if you're looking to buildthe bonds of commitment and save
your marriage, seek a godlymarriage mentor or try marriage
(19:30):
counseling.
Not a baby.
Mark 9, 42 gives us a veryimportant principle.
Jesus says if anyone causes oneof these little ones those who
believe in me to stumble, itwould be better for them if a
large millstone were hung aroundtheir neck and they were thrown
.
Yikes, yeah.
So if you bring kids into amarriage with a cracked
(19:52):
foundation, you are going tolead them astray.
I don't think we fear thatenough.
I think that we think that bytaking our kids to church on
Sunday and praying before mealsthat we're going to teach our
kids what we believe about Jesus.
Having kids will not save ourmarriage, and having a faith
which gives just a nod to whoJesus is is not going to make
(20:13):
them want to have a relationshipwith Jesus either.
We need experience in applyingbiblical truth to solve the
problems in our marriage.
We need actually so muchexperience that parenting is
naturally done the exact sameway.
If not, the ongoing wars fromyour marriage are only going to
serve to drive your kids awayfrom what you say you believe.
(20:34):
You actually lose credibility.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
If you want to have kids but the fundamentals aren't
there, be faithful in yourobedience to God's word.
Try marriage counseling.
You can contact us at Vows toKeep.
We'll help you work on thatfoundation.
But as an example, what doesthe Bible say about fighting?
Besides the Sunday schoolanswer of not to, Because
there's a lot that it does haveto say about that.
How does a commitment built ona covenant marriage differ from
(21:01):
a contract type marriage?
And even with a strong biblicalfoundation, raising kids is a
team calling, a mission thatneeds to be done together.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
And the last marriage myth we're going to talk about
today also is around kids.
My spouse and I should put on agood face in front of the kids.
They should never hear us orsee us fighting, or even know
about the problems that we'redealing with.
They need to see our marriageas strong because it helps them
feel stable.
That's the myth.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I think about how we learned how to do anything in
our life like riding a bike.
I learned how to ride a bike byfirst watching my older brother,
jim, ride the bike in circlesaround, and that was how I had
the confidence to know that itactually could eventually be
done.
Eventually, it was my turn todo that, and if you've ever
watched your big brother orsister riding a bike and they or
(21:51):
sister you know riding a bikeand they fall off, they crash,
they scrape their knees and well, they get back on and then you
realize I can do the same thingtoo.
Too many parents leave theirkids without an example to
follow in the most urgent ofsituations.
When your child is in arelationship with someone,
someday will they know how tohandle a tough conversation
(22:13):
because they watched you andyour spouse work through those
things, or will they beconvinced that they should never
be in a fight?
And when they get in thatmoment where there's a
disagreement between them andsomeone else, will it feel just
strangely wrong a relationshipthat shouldn't happen.
What I'm saying is have youpresented the truth about what a
God-honoring marriage lookslike?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Because it's not going to be perfect, and we know
that.
Now we're not recommending thatyou have a screaming match
right in front of the kids.
Let's look at Ephesians 4,though.
Ephesians 4.31 says some greatadvice to us that we're going to
put into practice in just asecond.
Let all bitterness and wrathand anger and clamor and slander
be put away from you, alongwith all malice.
(22:53):
Now we know we're all going tofail at this.
We are failing at this, sothose things are going to happen
.
There's going to be angerbetween us, there's going to be
slander, or I'm going to betempted to slander you in front
of the kids.
I'm going to be bitter towardsyou, and when that happens, I
need to show our kids the secondhalf of this.
Ephesians 4.32, the very nextverse, says be kind to one
(23:13):
another, tenderhearted,forgiving one another, as God in
Christ forgave you.
They're going to fail at thatfirst part as well.
They're going to be tempted tobe bitter.
So show them the gospel byforgiving your spouse and
choosing a godly attitude.
They're going to be tempted toslander someone who's wronged
them.
Show them that they can choosekindness, the way that Jesus
(23:37):
would treat someone.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Be aware they probably already know a lot of
the tension that is in yourmarriage.
So when we try to hide our sin,what we're really doing is
hiding God's grace.
We have to model God's word inthe toughest, most intimate
aspects of our marriagerelationship to prepare them for
how to live their own lives inobedience to God's Word.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:24):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
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Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
At VowsToKeepcom, this programis sponsored by Vows to Keep of
Zanesfield, ohio.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you, we
have made Vows to Keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
I was trying to look up something for Vows to Keep
the other day online and it wason my phone and I ran across
this article that had 30 plussuggestions of ways to know that
your marriage has pretty muchcome to an end.
And of course I had to read itbecause we represent just the
total opposite of what thisarticle was saying.
And it course I had to read itbecause we represent just the
total opposite of what thisarticle was saying and it was
(00:47):
giving readers basically acouple dozen lies that would
excuse them from staying intheir marriage.
The writer said if you canpicture your spouse with another
person and you're okay withthat, you can end your marriage.
It's totally fine.
Or if you just don't feelinvested in them anymore, you
don't want to hear about theirproblems.
It really brings you down totalk with them.
Well, guess what?
You can end your marriage.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
So I picture someone who's in a tough time and
they're searching for marriageadvice online and they find this
article.
Oh, that's me, they say tothemselves, because most people
that are looking on the internetare seeking approval for the
way that they feel they might bethinking that they're looking
(01:29):
for advice, but they're reallyjust looking for validation.
Can I go forward with what I'malready thinking?
And Christians are not exemptfrom this, even though I think a
lot of times we like to thinkthat we are.
So we ask our friends leadingquestions to get them to agree
with us about how awful ourmarriage is.
We seek advice that's going tojustify us leaving, just giving
us license, even if it's just toemotionally check out more.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
I think we look for license in other areas.
When I painted my house acouple of years ago and I
painted the interior, I waslooking online for other houses
that were in the kind of samecolor family because I wanted
validation that I was picking agood color.
If I want to go on a certaindiet, well, I'm going to go read
all the success stories that Ican for those who have done it
(02:10):
and been successful.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
I can relate.
If I'm going to go buy a carpart or a tool, I might just
hone in on the five-star reviews, because that way I can feel
good about my choice.
It is no different when we'renot satisfied in our marriage.
We are seeking what justifiesus to take the next move that we
want.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
So we're going to go to God's Word right now.
If you have a Bible with you oryou've got one on your phone,
you're able to turn to 2 Timothy, chapter 4.
We're going to spend just acouple of minutes here and I'm
going to read to you verses 3through 6, and this is in the
Amplified version of the Bible,so it just kind of fleshes it
out a little bit more for us.
It says for the time will comewhen people will not tolerate
sound doctrine or an accurateinstruction that challenges them
(02:49):
with God's truth, but wantingto have their ears tickled with
something pleasing, they willaccumulate for themselves many
teachers, one after another,chosen to satisfy their own
desires and to support theerrors they hold.
They will turn their ears awayfrom the truth and will wander
off into myths and man-madefictions and will accept the
unacceptable.
Does this sound familiar in oursociety right now?
(03:10):
Maybe even you right now.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
Based upon what you just read.
Tracy, if our pastor startedpreaching something bogus from
the pulpit, if he was saying,hey, you know, it's okay to lie
as long as it's to protectyourself, for example, we would
go and try to call that out.
I think most of us would.
But what other influencers haveyou aligned with?
And you have to ask yourselfare they actually teaching from
(03:34):
the word of God?
Because I think for most of us,hopefully, our pastor's on
point.
But there's all kinds of otherinfluencers in our life and many
of them have aligned themselveswith the world standards,
things that have snuck into whattheir message may be.
I turn to Google and YouTubeand social media and the quotes
(03:56):
and the songs that inspire me todo a lot of things I do, and a
lot of good can be found inthese places, but we have to be
discerning because there is alot of bad that's also available
.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Absolutely, and I can always know if I'm looking to
be justified in my actions.
If I'm not willing to take whatI've heard from a friend or
from some source and back it upwith scripture, Right then and
there I can tell where my heartis at.
If I'm avoiding guidance fromthe Lord, I'm clearly on a road
to become disobedient to him.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
And this is the very reason why, for the past two
broadcasts, we've been talkingabout marriage myths, the untrue
things that we've beeninfluenced by, guiding us away
from the healing that ourmarriage could have and into the
isolation and division that weoften do experience.
God, help us today to want whatyou want more than having our
(04:48):
ears tickled as that versetalked about.
Change our desires, lord, tolook more like you and your way.
So, part one of this broadcastseries, we tackled the marriage
myth that marriage will make mehappy, and in fact that is not
the purpose of marriage.
We talked about how marriage isintended to be one of those
(05:08):
refiners fires, if you will thattogether we will look more like
Christ by being in a marriagethat God is honored in.
Next, we tackled the marriagemyth that marriage takes all the
fun out of this relationship,and actually that's not true.
God invented sex and actuallythat's not true.
God invented sex and inside ofmarriage he's given carte
(05:29):
blanche access to more fun thanthe world could ever imagine.
Finally, we tackled the myththat marriage is an outdated
institution.
Well, that's not true.
It's designed to tell the worldabout a Jesus kind of love, a
love that's the most whensomeone deserves it the least,
and this may not be a messagethat people want to hear, but
it's the mission that God hasgiven us, as Christians, for our
(05:50):
marriage.
Speaker 3 (05:51):
And if you miss one of those and you want to go back
and hear how God's wordaddresses each of those, we
invite you to go tovowstokeepcom listen to part one
of this series, marriage Myths,and we started the second
broadcast last week week,considering this myth that
you've probably had come throughyour mind once or twice, or
maybe many times crud, I marriedthe wrong person.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
And a lot of times we justify that, or we hear people
justify that, even with God'sword.
Looking at verses like 2Corinthians, chapter 6, where it
talks about God wanting us tobe married to a Christian, yoked
up properly with a Christian,and we say, oh, but I'm not, and
in fact this person is holdingme back.
This will never work because ofthis.
Speaker 3 (06:33):
And that, thankfully, is not true, because being
unequally yoked does not voidthe covenant of your marriage.
God wants you to stay in thatmarriage and be on mission for
the soul of your spouse.
You're in a great spot ifthat's where you're at.
We also tackled this commonmarriage myth.
Some marriages are just beyondrepair.
They can't be fixed.
Maybe you've thought that aboutyour own marriage or about a
friend's marriage.
(06:53):
Well, we address that fromGod's word as well, and there is
a great answer.
So if you missed that, go tovasttokeepcom and listen to part
two of marriage myths.
You didn't know, you werebelieving, and we're going to
continue today talking aboutthese myths.
Marriage should be 50-50, right, that sounds equal.
That sounds fair.
We're going to talk about thatin just a second.
How about this one?
(07:14):
If I marry the right person, Iwill always feel in love with
them.
And finally, we'll wrap uptoday talking about myths that
affect our children.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
All right.
Well, let's jump into this.
In the business world, a lot ofpartnerships operate on this
50-50 sort of plan you scratchmy back, I'll scratch yours,
I'll do something, you pay me,and if things get lopsided, of
course, this relationship isover.
Yeah, pretty much by definition,not going to last, and we try
hard to apply this 50-50 plan inour marriages and in fact,
(07:44):
that's why so many people don'ttie the knot Before signing a
piece of paper that says we'regoing to get married.
I actually want to see thatyou're going to be consistent,
that you're going to meet mehalfway, and until I see track
record from you that proves thatthat's going to happen, I think
I'll just stay tentative inthis relationship and on the
surface this could actually seemlogical.
(08:05):
A lot of people feel like, yeah, this is the right path.
Why would you want to getmarried and then stay married to
someone who isn't putting inthe same amount of time and the
same amount of effort into yourrelationship?
You wouldn't.
Speaker 3 (08:17):
But the way God's designed marriage, thankfully,
is so, so different.
You make a vow, not only toyour spouse but to God, that
you're going to remain committed, in fact, to God first and your
spouse second, and that's goingto happen no matter what.
But if you try to do the 50-50plan and maybe you have, maybe
you're in that right now youknow that you're on the wrong
(08:38):
track because you can see thefruit of it.
We've been there, we've triedto keep score.
It doesn't work.
In fact, the secret in ourmarriage is that we don't keep
score, or at least we workreally, really hard to not.
And if we do, we find ourselveslooking at those invisible
tally marks on our living roomwall I've got two and you've
only got one, so pay up.
We try to recognize that andmake it right with God first and
(09:02):
then with each other.
God designed marriage that bothof you would present to each
other and to the Lord 100% everysingle day, and that really is
based on Philippians, chapter 2.
I would welcome you to read thewhole chapter, where it talks
about how Jesus is our example.
He's the one who laid down hislife and actually considered
(09:24):
himself nothing and became aservant.
And he goes on to teach this donothing from selfish ambition
or vain conceit, but, inhumility, count each other as
more significant than yourself.
Not only should you look out toyour own interests, but also to
the interests of others, andespecially in your marriage
relationship, because if you do,you're going to thrive.
(09:44):
You're going to put aside yourown desires, seek to serve the
other, and there is so muchbenefit in that.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
So do you remember when you made your vows?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (09:55):
Well, part of those vows for many of us included
this line in sickness and inhealth.
Anyone who's been married forany length of time realizes that
there is times when someone isill, someone's injured, whether
that's physically or emotionally, and the healthy spouse needs
to step up and takeresponsibility for whatever
needs to be done.
And on those days or weeks ormonths or seasons of our lives,
(10:18):
sometimes marriage can feelreally unbalanced.
But it's interesting because inthose seasons God is most
glorified, especially in thecheerful giver moments, when
things are already far out ofbalance and you show some deep,
undeserved love.
That is when you show Jesus toeveryone who's watching.
(10:39):
Marriage feels unfair, becauseit often is unfair and it's not
supposed to be equal.
And look at our example ofChrist in the church.
We see this in Ephesians Jesusgoes and dies on the cross for
my sins.
That wasn't fair.
And as Christians in marriage,jesus prepares us to give more.
But the reality is sometimes wejust want to take more, and the
(11:01):
same goes for our spouse.
Rarely is the scale balanced.
And you know what, when it'sperfectly balanced, those aren't
the high points in anyone'smarriage that I've ever met.
There might be times whereyou're like, well, this is
easier, but they're not the onesthat bind you tightly together
in a covenant of oneness.
When you give yourself tosomeone completely before God
(11:22):
and you truly mean it and I meansomeone who had 100%
self-sacrifice that is anamazing covenant.
As a believer in that 50-50myth, it can actually feel kind
of good Like, oh, I'm doinggreat because I'm running
headlong into that first 50%.
But a lot of Christians feeljustified at stopping right at
(11:43):
that 50% point or that 60% point, and then they get mad when
they're like wait a second, I'vebeen giving more than I've been
receiving.
Speaker 3 (11:50):
That's that keeping score concept right there.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Yeah, so remember this analogy that we talked
about in Ephesians 5.
We see this analogy betweenChrist and the church and a
marriage between a husband and awife.
When we stop, when we complainthat we are giving more than
we're receiving, we discreditGod's commitment to us.
We discredit the analogy ofChrist's commitment by showing
that he's only going to go sofar, he's only going to do
(12:15):
something to someone whose worksjustify it, and that's a gap
that anyone could fall into.
If this is a lie that you'rebelieving right now, this week,
it's time to cross the line,time to go past 50% all the way
to 100.
Speaker 3 (12:31):
Absolutely.
Well, let's jump into numbertwo, this myth that you may have
believed.
I married this man or thiswoman 5, 10, 15, 20, 40 years
ago and I thought when I firstgot married hey, we should
always feel in love.
But right now I'm not reallyfeeling it.
Speaker 2 (12:47):
Yeah, this reminds me of the car that I absolutely
adored, and probably many of usremember, a car that was super
special to us, like one that wetook better care of than we do
our kids now.
Speaker 3 (12:57):
That's not actually true.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
I'm just saying.
You know, there's some of thosethings that we really, really
idolize when we first get themand gradually, as the months and
the years go by and seasonschange and we go through the mud
and the muck, so to speak,things start to not look as nice
and as polished as they didwhen we first got started.
And then, three to five yearslater, we're taking that car we
(13:21):
once coveted and we're ready togo sell it and trade it in, and
it's in these low points that wesee our marriage and our spouse
kind of like that car.
Speaker 3 (13:30):
Got the rock chips, it's time to go.
Men, through one too many SouthDakota snowstorms, I've heard
men and women talk about tradingin their spouse for a younger
model, or a different model, onethat excites them, one that
looks from the outside like theydon't have any flaws.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
And the problem isn't just with our lack of
commitment.
The problem is actuallybelieving the myth that there is
some fickle, short-sightedthing that could actually be
fulfilling to you.
Some are convinced that they'reon the right side of marriage
simply because they'resentimental.
They're committed, if you will.
It's a little bit like loyallybeing around Jesus makes you a
(14:09):
believer.
That is not true, and thisisn't how God designed that
relationship to look like either.
You can't just be in hispresence and be a believer.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
And when we look at our spouse, those flaws can feel
really evident.
And it's different for men andwomen.
I think women would be like,hey, he should always want to
talk with me.
Well, guess what, he doesn't.
He will always want to be mybest friend, but here he's
hanging out with somebody else.
He would at least show that hecares about me by listening and
he wants to be with me.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Yeah, my wife should always want to be my lover.
She should always admire me,she should at least always
respect me, and if I would havemarried the right person, we
would be always in that state.
How we define love as men andwomen is not the same, but the
expectation there is prettyclear, and if I was to put this
myth in other terms, I'd say itthis way If you were the right
(14:59):
person, you would always want toserve me in the ways that I
would most appreciate it.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
In a previous broadcast in this series, we
talked about Jesus in Johnchapter 8.
He had people that werefollowing him around and they
were claiming they werecommitted to him.
And here's his response becausehe wanted to show them their
hearts.
He said you are truly mydisciples if you remain faithful
to my teachings.
They were trying to be realclose and yet they weren't doing
(15:26):
what would please God.
Some of us feel like Jesussaying to our spouse if you love
me, you do what I like, but letthis sink in.
The myth is that I should seemy spouse desire to do what will
please me.
That is the result I'm lookingfor and I should get that result
.
Well, the truth is that weshould always see our spouse's
desire not to please us, but toplease Jesus, and that is a
(15:48):
total game changer and it takesthis myth right out of play.
If we don't see them pleasingJesus, they aren't going to be
pleasing us either.
But stay with me, don't be moreoffended that you aren't being
pleased.
Be more concerned for theirlack of desire to please their
Savior, and then help them backup onto that path.
In John chapter 8, jesus istalking to these Jews that claim
(16:10):
they believe in him and they'refollowing him around.
They want to hear what he hadto say.
They were close to him, butthey were so far away in their
hearts.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
And we most certainly can have a spouse like that,
but more than often we areactually the spouse that is like
that, similar to what thesepeople are doing, kind of
following Jesus around and faraway in our hearts.
Be in love with Jesus.
Let yourself be loved by Jesus.
This is the only certainty thatwe can really have as a
(16:39):
Christian.
Don't put your spouse in thevalidation spot that God should
be in.
I mean, god is your maker, godis your rock.
To put your spouse in thevalidation spot that God should
be in I mean God is your maker,god is your rock To put your
spouse in that spot is reallysetting them up for failure.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I've met happy couples.
We've met happy couples whohave worked in each other's
lives to faithfully follow Jesus.
They're building God's kingdomtogether and it's not all
peaches and cream.
Really.
It's tiring sometimes to dothat work without thanks that
many times.
But they didn't become firstclass followers of Jesus at the
same time or at the same pace,but they spurred one another on.
(17:13):
I think a lot of times we waitfor our spouse to get to a
certain point, wait for them toplease us, and then we try to
get on board.
We grow at different rates andyou are put in your spouse's
life to help them to grow.
So don't just follow Jesusaround.
You're going to church, you'reattending small group.
Be a true follower, a truedisciple of Jesus, a giver who
(17:34):
inspires your spouse to be agiver, not for your kingdom
Don't demand that but for God'skingdom.
You're going to start out beinga better giver, probably, but
you're going to inspire them togrow.
Then you've got two people withdifferent strengths and you're
going to be more capabletogether than you could be of
heart.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
So to accomplish that , your husband obviously should
enjoy talking to you, he shouldbe your best friend, he should
want to be with you.
But when he doesn't give himwhat he doesn't deserve, even
when it doesn't pay off for you,this side of heaven, Absolutely
, and your wife should want tobe your lover.
Speaker 3 (18:06):
That's the way God's designed it.
She should admire you, sheshould respect you, but when
she's not and that's going tohappen, exactly what David just
said give her what she doesn'tdeserve, even when it won't pay
off for you, this side of heaven.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Your spouse may not feel cool right now, but invest,
restore and know that theirvalue can't be measured by what
you see today.
Speaker 3 (18:28):
So the next myth we're going to talk about today
is about kids, kids in marriageand how this all fits together.
So, david, I've seen this inmovies, I've seen this in real
life A couple, they're engagedin war with each other.
They just had their, you know,like 10th divisive month long
disagreement and then they havesome success.
They've got one of thosebattles finally has some
resolution.
(18:48):
Maybe they're trying to meeteach other 50-50 and they feel
really good about it right now.
There's so much excitement aboutthe fact that they've made it
through to the other side of theargument that they get excited
about taking their relationshipto the next level.
And a lot of times it's thisconversation hey, we should try
to get pregnant, we should havekids.
Like, having kids will cementour relationship.
Speaker 2 (19:08):
Let's be honest here as much love and joy as children
can bring into our lives, theycan also be pretty stressful.
Parenting, especially whenthey're babies and toddlers, who
you can't always understand,can be very taxing physically,
mentally and emotionally.
So if you're looking to buildthe bonds of commitment and save
your marriage, seek a godlymarriage mentor or try marriage
(19:30):
counseling.
Not a baby.
Mark 9, 42 gives us a veryimportant principle.
Jesus says if anyone causes oneof these little ones those who
believe in me to stumble, itwould be better for them if a
large millstone were hung aroundtheir neck and they were thrown
.
Yikes, yeah.
So if you bring kids into amarriage with a cracked
(19:52):
foundation, you are going tolead them astray.
I don't think we fear thatenough.
I think that we think that bytaking our kids to church on
Sunday and praying before mealsthat we're going to teach our
kids what we believe about Jesus.
Having kids will not save ourmarriage, and having a faith
which gives just a nod to whoJesus is is not going to make
(20:13):
them want to have a relationshipwith Jesus either.
We need experience in applyingbiblical truth to solve the
problems in our marriage.
We need actually so muchexperience that parenting is
naturally done the exact sameway.
If not, the ongoing wars fromyour marriage are only going to
serve to drive your kids awayfrom what you say you believe.
(20:34):
You actually lose credibility.
Speaker 3 (20:36):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
If you want to have kids but the fundamentals aren't
there, be faithful in yourobedience to God's word.
Try marriage counseling.
You can contact us at Vows toKeep.
We'll help you work on thatfoundation.
But as an example, what doesthe Bible say about fighting?
Besides the Sunday schoolanswer of not to, Because
there's a lot that it does haveto say about that.
How does a commitment built ona covenant marriage differ from
(21:01):
a contract type marriage?
And even with a strong biblicalfoundation, raising kids is a
team calling, a mission thatneeds to be done together.
Speaker 3 (21:11):
And the last marriage myth we're going to talk about
today also is around kids.
My spouse and I should put on agood face in front of the kids.
They should never hear us orsee us fighting, or even know
about the problems that we'redealing with.
They need to see our marriageas strong because it helps them
feel stable.
That's the myth.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
I think about how we learned how to do anything in
our life like riding a bike.
I learned how to ride a bike byfirst watching my older brother,
jim, ride the bike in circlesaround, and that was how I had
the confidence to know that itactually could eventually be
done.
Eventually, it was my turn todo that, and if you've ever
watched your big brother orsister riding a bike and they or
(21:51):
sister you know riding a bikeand they fall off, they crash,
they scrape their knees and well, they get back on and then you
realize I can do the same thingtoo.
Too many parents leave theirkids without an example to
follow in the most urgent ofsituations.
When your child is in arelationship with someone,
someday will they know how tohandle a tough conversation
(22:13):
because they watched you andyour spouse work through those
things, or will they beconvinced that they should never
be in a fight?
And when they get in thatmoment where there's a
disagreement between them andsomeone else, will it feel just
strangely wrong a relationshipthat shouldn't happen.
What I'm saying is have youpresented the truth about what a
God-honoring marriage lookslike?
Speaker 3 (22:33):
Because it's not going to be perfect, and we know
that.
Now we're not recommending thatyou have a screaming match
right in front of the kids.
Let's look at Ephesians 4,though.
Ephesians 4.31 says some greatadvice to us that we're going to
put into practice in just asecond.
Let all bitterness and wrathand anger and clamor and slander
be put away from you, alongwith all malice.
(22:53):
Now we know we're all going tofail at this.
We are failing at this, sothose things are going to happen
.
There's going to be angerbetween us, there's going to be
slander, or I'm going to betempted to slander you in front
of the kids.
I'm going to be bitter towardsyou, and when that happens, I
need to show our kids the secondhalf of this.
Ephesians 4.32, the very nextverse, says be kind to one
(23:13):
another, tenderhearted,forgiving one another, as God in
Christ forgave you.
They're going to fail at thatfirst part as well.
They're going to be tempted tobe bitter.
So show them the gospel byforgiving your spouse and
choosing a godly attitude.
They're going to be tempted toslander someone who's wronged
them.
Show them that they can choosekindness, the way that Jesus
(23:37):
would treat someone.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Be aware they probably already know a lot of
the tension that is in yourmarriage.
So when we try to hide our sin,what we're really doing is
hiding God's grace.
We have to model God's word inthe toughest, most intimate
aspects of our marriagerelationship to prepare them for
how to live their own lives inobedience to God's Word.
Speaker 1 (24:00):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:24):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, listen to
(24:45):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
At VowsToKeepcom, this programis sponsored by Vows to Keep of
Zanesfield, ohio.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.