June 30, 2025 • 24 mins
Seeing Your Spouse's Unspoken Needs :: [Ep. 275]
This week, we are wrapping up our six-part series on Powerful Pursuit by exploring how to see and meet your spouse's unspoken heart-level needs, moving beyond being roommates to truly pursuing one another in marriage.
We will cover the following in this episode:
• Distinguishing between what your spouse wants versus what they truly need at heart level
• Understanding marriage as an opportunity to prioritize pursuit like the shepherd who leaves his 99 sheep
• Warning against responding with judgment rather than Christ-like pursuit when hurt enters a relationship
• The importance of discernment in identifying what our spouse actually needs
• Making it your mission to understand your spouse so well they don't have to articulate their needs
Come listen and be encouraged and helped!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
And we are rounding out a six-week series today
Powerful Pursuit why PursuitMatters in your Marriage and how
to Practically Carry it Out.
We started this entire serieswith the realization that in our
house we talk too much aboutthe details of the day and not
really enough about whatactually matters.
So if you're ready to stopbeing roommates like we are and
(00:47):
to get back to being in love,we're glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Our second broadcast in this series was how we
transition from being someonewho just observes our spouse to
someone who's actually achampion of the cause that God
has put you in front of in theirlives.
The third broadcast was reallyasking us the question what
actually are we pursuing?
What's the paradise that we'repursuing?
Because so often we are focusedon the wrong things and then
(01:13):
what we realize is after we'vegotten married gosh, I married a
sinner, which shouldn't come asa big shock.
But when we get to the end ofthat fairy tale, we begin to
realize that we have beenpursuing something this side of
heaven and it's actually been agreat distraction from our
greater purpose.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
In the fourth part of this Powerful Pursuit series we
talked about how, if we'repursuing God's kingdom as a
couple, then really we should bestriving to be each other's
closest friend.
Because, if you boil friendshipdown to the basics, friendship
is discipleship and God hasgraciously given us each other
to play that key role in eachother's lives.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
In the fifth part of this series, we touched on a
topic which is very near anddear to my heart, and it is the
balance of those things that areurgent in our lives with those
things that are important in ourlives your marriage.
Is this contest really a battlebetween those things that are
urgent and important?
And we have to ask ourselvesperiodically who or what is
winning right now, because God'sword is there to help us
(02:12):
reevaluate our priorities sothat our marriage and our
mission is one that God can beglorified through.
And today we end this series onpowerful pursuit with a focus
on seeing your spouse's needs,and especially the unspoken
needs.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I wonder how often we struggle with generously
meeting their needs versus justsort of giving them what they
want, just to sort of make thembe quiet.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Aren't they the same thing?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Not exactly, because one is aiming for the heart and
the other one is aimed at justpleasing them emotionally.
If your spouse right now had 20seconds to answer the question,
hey, what do you need, babe?
They might list some reallypractical things that might just
be Got my pen ready.
Yep, exactly what do you need?
You need some slug bug parts,don't you?
Okay, and it'd be nice if someof those things were just sort
(03:00):
of ticked off the list, if wecould help with that.
But the real question is, whatdo they really need?
To have you grab dinner on theway home, or maybe help them
with a project?
Probably not.
Their real needs are always atthe heart level.
His need might be to grow as aspiritual leader.
Her need might be to understandGod's will for her life, or to
live in peace because of thecross.
(03:21):
Your family's need might be tobe respectful to one another,
because that might be missing inyour house right now, like it
might be in our house with ourkids a little bit.
Giving someone what they wantmeans pleasing them temporarily.
Meeting their deepest need issomething that in five or 10
years from now is still going tohave lasting effects.
(03:42):
If we're the one in need, justgetting what I want seems like
the most urgent thing to us.
We all have that in our lives.
Let me give you an example.
We were downtown Columbus at abaseball game with our kids many
, many years ago, and to get toour car, of course, it was
parked really far away.
We had to walk a long distance,and so does everybody else.
(04:03):
So there's these streams ofpeople crowding the sidewalks,
but it wasn't just baseball fansthat night.
There was a homeless guy whowas sitting.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I remember this.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
And he was just watching thousands of people
walk past him.
I wonder what he thought ofeverybody who pretended like he
wasn't there.
I wonder how many times he hadwaited for a ball game to happen
so he could ask for money, sohe could ask for help, for
someone in the crowd to noticehim and his need.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yeah, I was actually one of those people that wanted
to put my tunnel vision on andwalk right past this guy.
But my oldest daughter.
She saw this guy from about 20feet off and she stopped our
family and said Dad, dad, I'vegot $5 here in my pocket.
That's, that was her own money.
She had earned it from workingand she wanted to give it to him
.
And she was asking can I dothat?
Speaker 3 (04:52):
David and I exchanged glances.
It's getting dark outside, wedon't know this guy, but we said
yeah, go ahead and do what youfeel like you should do.
So later that night.
What this led to is we got tohave some pretty neat
discussions about generosity andmeeting someone's needs.
Did she touch that guy's heartthat day, or did she just meet a
(05:13):
temporary need?
I don't know, but she couldhave spent that money on
something else.
She saw a need, though, and shetook action.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Now, our daughter and her generous innocence really
taught us a big lesson thatnight, because I think in some
ways it's easier to roll down mywindow at a stoplight and hand
some total, stranger a $20 billthan to give generously and
actually trust God to use me inthe process, whether it's
touching that person on the sideof the street, but especially
(05:42):
trusting that he would use me totouch the heart of my spouse.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I think sometimes we shy away from that a little bit.
We sort of duck for cover whenit comes to seeing what our
spouse really needs, lettingthem maybe even unload their day
on us and we are an engagedlistener.
We'd rather spend some energyover here doing something that
meets an immediate need.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
In this close quarters relationship that
marriage is, I think it's easyto choose to ignore what your
spouse is really dealing with atthe heart level than having to
engage and actually deal with itourselves.
So where is your husband atright now?
Where is your wife right now?
Is she maybe next to you?
Is she at her desk at work?
Is your husband commuting rightnow or showering, watching a
(06:24):
video on his iPad?
Wherever they are, what purposeis there in what they're doing
and how might that relate to aneed that they might have from
you?
Speaker 3 (06:34):
It's not something we think about all hours of the
day.
So, as we wrap up the six-partseries on powerful pursuit,
we're going to talk aboutpursuit through giving and
serving and pursuing your spouse, because you're actually
anticipating their needs, you'rethinking about them ahead of
time, you're being so in tunewith what they need that they
don't have to beg or coerce orthreaten to get it from you and,
(06:56):
on the other side of that, theyaren't faced with the
temptation to look outside ofyour marriage to fulfill that
desire.
In fact, we want to make it ourgoal to foresee our spouse's
needs so well that they don'teven have to think about it
themselves, because you've gotthem covered with God's help and
with God's power.
And it's so neat because whenyou do that, when you act like
that on a consistent basis, theyknow you've got their back and
(07:20):
they're going to be able to restin the security of your pursuit
.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I can already tell there's someone who's saying
wait a second, tracy, you don'tknow, my spouse, if I give to
them, they're going to take, andthen they'll take, and then
they'll take, and then they'lltake some more.
And it's kind of like thishomeless man that my daughter
gave her hard-earned money to.
It really wasn't up to her totell the guy how to spend it.
He could have thrown it away onliquor or bought food.
(07:46):
Who knows what he did with it?
Her job, per the Bible, was tolove, and she did that.
That's your job too, and that'swhat today's broadcast is
really focused on.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
If you have your Bibles and you're able to turn
to 1 John, chapter 3, we'regoing to read verse 17.
If anyone has the world's goodsand it could be a $5 bill in
your pocket or it could besomething that your spouse needs
right now and if you see yourbrother, your sister, your
spouse in need and you close upyour heart against them.
One version says if you show nocompassion, how does God's love
(08:20):
abide in you?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
What we're saying is your spouse is the equivalent of
the beggar on the sidewalk.
They're looking to see.
Will you stop and actually seetheir real need?
Will you love them enough to dosomething about it?
Now, this isn't a pass or failtest once in your life.
It's a calling that we have asa spouse inside of a
God-honoring marriage.
Anticipating your spouse'sneeds is more than just a
(08:45):
knowledge that there is a need.
Our pursuit has got to be inemulating Christ in their life,
and it's a response to what he'sdone for us that we play out
daily in their lives.
Now I have to tell you this isplaying out week in and week out
in a friend's life.
We'll call him Joe.
Several months ago, he becameaware of some sin in his wife's
(09:07):
life.
Turns out, she had a waywardeye for another man, and that
was a hunch that he had had fora few months, and he really
didn't do anything about it.
In fact, all he did was harborsome bitterness in his heart and
, as it turned out, there wasthis relationship and it was
threatening their marriage, butit was not physical, it was
emotional.
Now, he didn't do anythingabout it until the point in time
(09:28):
in which it was confirmed.
So what would your reaction be?
Well, joe's was sinful anger.
I want to share with you whatJesus says in Luke 15, 3.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So, leading up to Luke 15, 3, let me set the scene
for you just a little bit.
Here Jesus is talking with somepeople that were a little bit
against him, some Pharisees thatwere asking him why are you
hanging out with these sinners?
They were trying to catch himin something wrong so that they
could persecute him.
And here's his answer.
He says suppose one of you hasa hundred sheep and loses one of
(10:01):
them, doesn't he leave the 99in the open country and go after
the lost sheep until he findsit?
You can kind of hear him say ofcourse he does.
And when he finds it hejoyfully puts it on his
shoulders and he goes home.
Then he calls his friends andneighbors together and says
rejoice with me, I have found mylost sheep.
I tell you that in the same way, there'll be more rejoicing in
heaven over one sinner whorepents than over 99 righteous
(10:25):
persons who don't need to repent.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
So Jesus is compelling you and I and Joe to
a very different reaction, onethat, at the first sight of
trouble, is going to leave theother 99 distractions, the other
99 pursuits, and they're goingto go after.
They're going to go after theirspouse.
For Joe, the anger caused himto completely miss the point.
The very point he thought hewas making was in fact, the
(10:49):
wrong point, because Joe waspursuing justice on his terms.
The cost was very high.
His own sin of anger took aseparation that she started and
made it massively wider.
And what Jesus is teachingabout in this passage is that
pursuit is a start to recovery.
That's why there's this greatcelebration when the sheep
(11:10):
returns.
But instead, what Joe ignoredbecame a situation with
explosive results.
Joe had the same reaction as thePharisees who were listening to
Jesus tell this parable aboutthe sheep.
Jesus says hey, you got to bepeople of pursuit.
We need to be a good evaluatorof how to apply the Bible in
that pursuit, but our job is notto be the judge and the jury.
(11:31):
God, what are you asking me toprovide in my spouse's life?
Not judging, not condemning.
What's the natural reaction?
Maybe you even want me towithhold, because if Joe would
have chosen to give love ratherthan show wrath, the picture
would have been very different.
If he would have chosen to givelove rather than show wrath,
the picture would have been verydifferent.
If he would have chosen to be aprofessional giver, would she
(11:51):
have become a professional taker?
That's the question I think wewrestle with, and the answer is
hey, you are married to a sinner, so it's a fair question, but
actually one that we don't haveto answer.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
So let me pose this question If I asked you to make
a list of what you need in lifemaybe what you want in life how
long would it be?
If I gave you just a generalnotebook and a blue pen and you
numbered it one to a hundred,could you fill that in pretty
quick.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
With ease.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
I definitely could.
Now let me ask you this Couldyou do the same thing for your
spouse?
Could you fill in that listjust as quickly?
Or maybe you don't really knowthem well enough, and it might
be only five long, not a hundred.
When we look at our own list ofour hundred needs and wants, I
think we can rationalize everysingle one of them.
(12:37):
I want my diet Mountain Dewbecause I rationalize that I
need the caffeine to get my daystarted.
I want a vacation because Irationalize that when I get back
I'm going to be a better wifeand a better mom and a better
employee.
When we look at our spouse'sneeds and wants, though, do we
rationalize them as well, or Ithink, most often than not, we
(12:57):
dismiss them as trivial orabsurd or not worth meeting that
need.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
And there are consequences to putting your
needs above your spouse's needs.
James 4.17 says this if anyonethen knows the good they ought
to do and they don't do it, it'ssin for them.
So if, in my pride, I easilydismiss the needs that are
placed before me and my spouse'slife, guess what?
I've been the very person thatJames 4.17 is talking about.
(13:26):
It's as if I'm saying to Godhey, you know what, god, I'm on
a bigger and better mission thanjust my spouse.
And that pride, that sin,actually separates me from God.
We can find this in James 4.6.
It actually makes God at timesoppose us, which is a scary
thought.
When God looks at your spouse,what kind of list does he make
(13:47):
for her needs?
And does that list that youjust thought of, about the
things that you think of, doesthat look the same as God's list
?
Because for many of us itwouldn't.
I don't think it would for mewithout some real prayer and
examination.
God did not wait for us to begand plead and whine for him to
come.
He didn't wait to come until hethought okay, you know what,
(14:07):
you're good enough, I guess I'llcome.
He didn't come because wedidn't think to deserve it
either, because if Christ wouldhave waited, we'd still be
waiting for our biggest needever to be met.
But he didn't wait, and at justthe right time.
Christ died for us while wewere still sinners.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
So I think, as we discover all these truths today,
we have to ask how do we knowwhat our spouse really needs?
Now that we've got somemotivation behind that, Well,
the word that comes to my mind,David, is discern.
Discernment, Because if Ievaluate you by my perceptions
and that could be from my ownhistory, my own background, my
own way of thinking I'm notgoing to be correct, maybe even
(14:49):
5% of the time.
Because I'm not going to becorrect, maybe even 5% of the
time, because I'm just going tobe watching from the outside and
I might be making some badevaluation.
And this is where I think a lotof wives with good intentions
give their husbands actuallysomething they probably don't
need, and it might step on yourtoes a little bit by saying this
, but they don't need you to betheir mom Now.
(15:09):
It feels like a quick fix tomanage them like that.
You might see a gap in theirlife and you want to fill that
in.
But here's the thing You're notthe master in their life.
You work for the master intheir life, Jesus Christ.
You're there to be theirhelpmate, to serve, to point
them to Christ, and typicallythat does not come through
(15:30):
demands or commands.
Now here's the other side ofthat.
If we should not be inevaluation and judgment of our
spouse, how do we know what theyreally need?
I think it goes back to beingspirit-led, discerning where God
wants us to meet their need,praying about it, like you said
David, spending time thinking itover, even talking it over with
(15:50):
your spouse, so we can begenerous in all the right ways.
It's interesting how, whenwe're discerning in the little
things, it actually can add upto be discerning in the big
things.
Let me give you an example fromour house.
So David and I have both fallenasleep and you know the kind
where you're not quitecomfortable for the night yet
and you're kind of half asleepand then you wake up and realize
(16:11):
, oh, I should actually reallygo to bed right now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
This happens to us every night, doesn't it?
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Like all the time.
So I was all nice and snug andof course I didn't want to get
up.
But David, next to me, he'stossing and turning and in my
sleepiness I'm like, hey, areyou okay?
And he's like I'm so cold, Ijust if I could get warm, then I
could, I could get comfortableenough to go to bed.
So I knew that another blanketwas laying on the floor next to
(16:34):
his side of the bed and I knewthat would do the trick.
But guess what?
I didn't want to get up and goget it for him.
So I laid there, david, withlike my eyes closed and had this
30 second argument with myselfAm I actually going to get up
and get it for him?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Meanwhile, I'm just totally naive there, I think.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Yeah, still tossing and turning.
So then I thought of thisbroadcast that we were writing
and all the truths of scripturethat were so fresh on my mind,
and I thought this is what itmeans, right here at 11 o'clock
at night, to lay down my lifelike Jesus did.
This is what it means to put myneeds aside and to consider
David as more important thanmyself.
So I got up out of bed and Icovered David up.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Sweet success right and it felt good.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Well, sweet success, depending on what I do with my
mouth after the fact, notletting him know how much I did
not want to get out of my cozybed, or letting him know with
maybe some big sign or thisbegrudging way like here if you
could just have this blanket,then I could finally just go to
bed and he's going to know howmuch that costs me and it's not
(17:40):
going to be a blessing for himor for me.
And then later on not pattingmyself on the back like, hey,
did you see what I did there?
Aren't I pretty awesome?
But in this situation I didkeep my mouth shut.
He said thank you and Igenuinely said you're welcome,
and I meant it.
It felt good to serve him.
Now it took a while for my heartto kind of catch up with what
(18:01):
my actions should do, but it wasin those little things that can
turn into these big things.
Even if I do 100 little thingsand he never says thank you,
there's actually still joy inthat.
This sleep example might seemlike a really trivial thing, but
to David it was a real need atthat moment, and some of your
spouse's needs are going to bejust that.
(18:22):
They're going to be temporary,for practicality sake, or maybe
even for the sake of physicalcomfort.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
But the most important message we have is to
focus on the needs which yourspouse might not even be able to
put into words.
What keeps them up at night?
What brings tears to their eyesat the mere mention of it?
What misguided passion is adistraction for them?
Focusing on their heart definesa relationship built on unity
(18:49):
and oneness, in a way thatchecking off a list of practical
needs just never could do.
And Jesus gets to our heartlevel.
He teaches us the way heevaluates the genuineness of our
faith by watching how we reactto other people's needs.
And we find this in Matthew 25.
It says when the son of mancomes in his glory, and all the
angels with him, he will sit onhis glorious throne.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Now, this is Jesus on the judgment seat.
This is going to happen somedayand he's going to get really
real with every single one of usin that moment.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Yeah.
It goes on to say all of thenations will be gathered before
him and he will separate thepeople from one another as a
shepherd separates the sheepfrom the goats.
He'll put the sheep on hisright and the goats on his left,
and I want you to imagine youand your kids and your wife or
your husband being right there.
(19:43):
The condemned are going to gointo one line and the saved are
going to be put in another.
It goes on in verse 34,.
Then the king will say to thoseon the right come, you, who are
blessed by my father, take yourinheritance.
The kingdom prepared for yousince the creation of the world.
For I was hungry and you gaveme something to eat.
(20:05):
I was thirsty and you gave mesomething to drink.
I was a stranger and youinvited me in.
I needed clothes and youclothed me.
I was sick and you looked afterme.
I was in prison and you came tovisit me.
Jesus is making the point herethat you followed me when you
(20:26):
understood and even anticipatedsomeone's need and you gave of
yourself to them 37 continues,then the righteous will answer
him Lord, when did we see youhungry and feed you, or thirsty
and give you something to drink?
When did we see you, a stranger, and invite you in, or needing
clothes and clothe you?
When did we see you sick or inprison and go visit you?
(20:49):
And the king will reply Truly Itell you, whatever you did for
one of the least of thesebrothers and sisters of mine,
you did for me.
But then he's going to say tothose people on his left Depart
from me, you who are cursed intothe eternal fire, prepared for
the devil and his angels.
(21:09):
For I was hungry and you gave menothing to eat.
I was thirsty and you gave menothing to drink.
I was a stranger, you didn'tinvite me in, I needed clothes,
you didn't clothe me, I was sickand in prison and you didn't
look after me.
And they will say to him Lord,when did we see you hungry or
(21:29):
thirsty?
When did we see you, a stranger, needing clothes or in prison,
sick?
What are you talking about?
And he's going to reply truly,I tell you, whatever you did not
do for one of the least ofthese, you did not do for me.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
You acted like you followed me, which we are all
guilty of, but truly, he says,you just tried to get by, just
doing what I asked when it feltuseful to you.
Lord, let that not be us.
Let us be the ones that arefollowing wholeheartedly after
you and loving like you.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Jesus makes it super clear here that pursuit through
giving, through serving,pursuing them because you
understand, you're anticipatingtheir real needs.
This is going to be the measurethat he's going to separate his
followers from his fans.
So which one are you?
And I think we can bring thisdown to the level of our
marriage as well Are you a fanof your spouse?
(22:23):
Do you clap from the sidelines?
Are you a follower?
Someone who is in hot pursuit,meeting their deepest needs,
keeping a step with the spiritso that you can be enabled to be
in tune with what your spouse'sreal needs are, so much so that
they aren't begging to get whatthey need from you?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Following your savior's example, you'll make it
your goal to foresee yourspouse's needs so well that they
don't even have to think aboutit themselves because you've got
them covered.
And when they know you've gottheir back, they're going to
rest in the security of yourpursuit.
Maybe today you don't reallyknow what your spouse needs.
That's okay.
(23:01):
But don't stay there.
Find out.
Make it your mission to lovethem to the point that they
can't help but see Jesus lovingthem through you.
Let that be your mission inyour marriage Jesus being
passionate about their heart,their real needs, their felt
needs, and just transferringthat from his heart to you, to
them.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
A relationship is defined by pursuit.
We can't be Christians orhusbands on the sidelines,
someone who just watches injudgment.
We have a role to play, notonly in the story of God's
kingdom, but in the story thatGod is writing of your marriage.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
We hope that, as we end this series, that we've
given you some new perspectiveand some new fuel to be on
mission in your marriage.
If you've missed any of the sixbroadcasts in this Powerful
Pursuit series, you can findthem on our website,
vowstokeepcom.
Join us next week right here onVows to Keep Radio as we
continue to study God's Word andapply it to our marriages.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
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(24:25):
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(24:46):
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No-transcript.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
The mission of Vows to Keep isto help couples develop a
biblically healthy marriagethrough the application of God's
Word and a deeper relationshipwith Him.
They desire to help you andyour spouse grow closer to each
other and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
We are David and Tracy Sellers and, like you,
we've made vows to keep.
Speaker 3 (00:27):
And we are rounding out a six-week series today
Powerful Pursuit why PursuitMatters in your Marriage and how
to Practically Carry it Out.
We started this entire serieswith the realization that in our
house we talk too much aboutthe details of the day and not
really enough about whatactually matters.
So if you're ready to stopbeing roommates like we are and
(00:47):
to get back to being in love,we're glad you're here.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
Our second broadcast in this series was how we
transition from being someonewho just observes our spouse to
someone who's actually achampion of the cause that God
has put you in front of in theirlives.
The third broadcast was reallyasking us the question what
actually are we pursuing?
What's the paradise that we'repursuing?
Because so often we are focusedon the wrong things and then
(01:13):
what we realize is after we'vegotten married gosh, I married a
sinner, which shouldn't come asa big shock.
But when we get to the end ofthat fairy tale, we begin to
realize that we have beenpursuing something this side of
heaven and it's actually been agreat distraction from our
greater purpose.
Speaker 3 (01:31):
In the fourth part of this Powerful Pursuit series we
talked about how, if we'repursuing God's kingdom as a
couple, then really we should bestriving to be each other's
closest friend.
Because, if you boil friendshipdown to the basics, friendship
is discipleship and God hasgraciously given us each other
to play that key role in eachother's lives.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
In the fifth part of this series, we touched on a
topic which is very near anddear to my heart, and it is the
balance of those things that areurgent in our lives with those
things that are important in ourlives your marriage.
Is this contest really a battlebetween those things that are
urgent and important?
And we have to ask ourselvesperiodically who or what is
winning right now, because God'sword is there to help us
(02:12):
reevaluate our priorities sothat our marriage and our
mission is one that God can beglorified through.
And today we end this series onpowerful pursuit with a focus
on seeing your spouse's needs,and especially the unspoken
needs.
Speaker 3 (02:27):
I wonder how often we struggle with generously
meeting their needs versus justsort of giving them what they
want, just to sort of make thembe quiet.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Aren't they the same thing?
Speaker 3 (02:36):
Not exactly, because one is aiming for the heart and
the other one is aimed at justpleasing them emotionally.
If your spouse right now had 20seconds to answer the question,
hey, what do you need, babe?
They might list some reallypractical things that might just
be Got my pen ready.
Yep, exactly what do you need?
You need some slug bug parts,don't you?
Okay, and it'd be nice if someof those things were just sort
(03:00):
of ticked off the list, if wecould help with that.
But the real question is, whatdo they really need?
To have you grab dinner on theway home, or maybe help them
with a project?
Probably not.
Their real needs are always atthe heart level.
His need might be to grow as aspiritual leader.
Her need might be to understandGod's will for her life, or to
live in peace because of thecross.
(03:21):
Your family's need might be tobe respectful to one another,
because that might be missing inyour house right now, like it
might be in our house with ourkids a little bit.
Giving someone what they wantmeans pleasing them temporarily.
Meeting their deepest need issomething that in five or 10
years from now is still going tohave lasting effects.
(03:42):
If we're the one in need, justgetting what I want seems like
the most urgent thing to us.
We all have that in our lives.
Let me give you an example.
We were downtown Columbus at abaseball game with our kids many
, many years ago, and to get toour car, of course, it was
parked really far away.
We had to walk a long distance,and so does everybody else.
(04:03):
So there's these streams ofpeople crowding the sidewalks,
but it wasn't just baseball fansthat night.
There was a homeless guy whowas sitting.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
I remember this.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
And he was just watching thousands of people
walk past him.
I wonder what he thought ofeverybody who pretended like he
wasn't there.
I wonder how many times he hadwaited for a ball game to happen
so he could ask for money, sohe could ask for help, for
someone in the crowd to noticehim and his need.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Yeah, I was actually one of those people that wanted
to put my tunnel vision on andwalk right past this guy.
But my oldest daughter.
She saw this guy from about 20feet off and she stopped our
family and said Dad, dad, I'vegot $5 here in my pocket.
That's, that was her own money.
She had earned it from workingand she wanted to give it to him
.
And she was asking can I dothat?
Speaker 3 (04:52):
David and I exchanged glances.
It's getting dark outside, wedon't know this guy, but we said
yeah, go ahead and do what youfeel like you should do.
So later that night.
What this led to is we got tohave some pretty neat
discussions about generosity andmeeting someone's needs.
Did she touch that guy's heartthat day, or did she just meet a
(05:13):
temporary need?
I don't know, but she couldhave spent that money on
something else.
She saw a need, though, and shetook action.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Now, our daughter and her generous innocence really
taught us a big lesson thatnight, because I think in some
ways it's easier to roll down mywindow at a stoplight and hand
some total, stranger a $20 billthan to give generously and
actually trust God to use me inthe process, whether it's
touching that person on the sideof the street, but especially
(05:42):
trusting that he would use me totouch the heart of my spouse.
Speaker 3 (05:45):
I think sometimes we shy away from that a little bit.
We sort of duck for cover whenit comes to seeing what our
spouse really needs, lettingthem maybe even unload their day
on us and we are an engagedlistener.
We'd rather spend some energyover here doing something that
meets an immediate need.
Speaker 2 (06:02):
In this close quarters relationship that
marriage is, I think it's easyto choose to ignore what your
spouse is really dealing with atthe heart level than having to
engage and actually deal with itourselves.
So where is your husband atright now?
Where is your wife right now?
Is she maybe next to you?
Is she at her desk at work?
Is your husband commuting rightnow or showering, watching a
(06:24):
video on his iPad?
Wherever they are, what purposeis there in what they're doing
and how might that relate to aneed that they might have from
you?
Speaker 3 (06:34):
It's not something we think about all hours of the
day.
So, as we wrap up the six-partseries on powerful pursuit,
we're going to talk aboutpursuit through giving and
serving and pursuing your spouse, because you're actually
anticipating their needs, you'rethinking about them ahead of
time, you're being so in tunewith what they need that they
don't have to beg or coerce orthreaten to get it from you and,
(06:56):
on the other side of that, theyaren't faced with the
temptation to look outside ofyour marriage to fulfill that
desire.
In fact, we want to make it ourgoal to foresee our spouse's
needs so well that they don'teven have to think about it
themselves, because you've gotthem covered with God's help and
with God's power.
And it's so neat because whenyou do that, when you act like
that on a consistent basis, theyknow you've got their back and
(07:20):
they're going to be able to restin the security of your pursuit
.
Speaker 2 (07:25):
I can already tell there's someone who's saying
wait a second, tracy, you don'tknow, my spouse, if I give to
them, they're going to take, andthen they'll take, and then
they'll take, and then they'lltake some more.
And it's kind of like thishomeless man that my daughter
gave her hard-earned money to.
It really wasn't up to her totell the guy how to spend it.
He could have thrown it away onliquor or bought food.
(07:46):
Who knows what he did with it?
Her job, per the Bible, was tolove, and she did that.
That's your job too, and that'swhat today's broadcast is
really focused on.
Speaker 3 (07:56):
If you have your Bibles and you're able to turn
to 1 John, chapter 3, we'regoing to read verse 17.
If anyone has the world's goodsand it could be a $5 bill in
your pocket or it could besomething that your spouse needs
right now and if you see yourbrother, your sister, your
spouse in need and you close upyour heart against them.
One version says if you show nocompassion, how does God's love
(08:20):
abide in you?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
What we're saying is your spouse is the equivalent of
the beggar on the sidewalk.
They're looking to see.
Will you stop and actually seetheir real need?
Will you love them enough to dosomething about it?
Now, this isn't a pass or failtest once in your life.
It's a calling that we have asa spouse inside of a
God-honoring marriage.
Anticipating your spouse'sneeds is more than just a
(08:45):
knowledge that there is a need.
Our pursuit has got to be inemulating Christ in their life,
and it's a response to what he'sdone for us that we play out
daily in their lives.
Now I have to tell you this isplaying out week in and week out
in a friend's life.
We'll call him Joe.
Several months ago, he becameaware of some sin in his wife's
(09:07):
life.
Turns out, she had a waywardeye for another man, and that
was a hunch that he had had fora few months, and he really
didn't do anything about it.
In fact, all he did was harborsome bitterness in his heart and
, as it turned out, there wasthis relationship and it was
threatening their marriage, butit was not physical, it was
emotional.
Now, he didn't do anythingabout it until the point in time
(09:28):
in which it was confirmed.
So what would your reaction be?
Well, joe's was sinful anger.
I want to share with you whatJesus says in Luke 15, 3.
Speaker 3 (09:40):
So, leading up to Luke 15, 3, let me set the scene
for you just a little bit.
Here Jesus is talking with somepeople that were a little bit
against him, some Pharisees thatwere asking him why are you
hanging out with these sinners?
They were trying to catch himin something wrong so that they
could persecute him.
And here's his answer.
He says suppose one of you hasa hundred sheep and loses one of
(10:01):
them, doesn't he leave the 99in the open country and go after
the lost sheep until he findsit?
You can kind of hear him say ofcourse he does.
And when he finds it hejoyfully puts it on his
shoulders and he goes home.
Then he calls his friends andneighbors together and says
rejoice with me, I have found mylost sheep.
I tell you that in the same way, there'll be more rejoicing in
heaven over one sinner whorepents than over 99 righteous
(10:25):
persons who don't need to repent.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
So Jesus is compelling you and I and Joe to
a very different reaction, onethat, at the first sight of
trouble, is going to leave theother 99 distractions, the other
99 pursuits, and they're goingto go after.
They're going to go after theirspouse.
For Joe, the anger caused himto completely miss the point.
The very point he thought hewas making was in fact, the
(10:49):
wrong point, because Joe waspursuing justice on his terms.
The cost was very high.
His own sin of anger took aseparation that she started and
made it massively wider.
And what Jesus is teachingabout in this passage is that
pursuit is a start to recovery.
That's why there's this greatcelebration when the sheep
(11:10):
returns.
But instead, what Joe ignoredbecame a situation with
explosive results.
Joe had the same reaction as thePharisees who were listening to
Jesus tell this parable aboutthe sheep.
Jesus says hey, you got to bepeople of pursuit.
We need to be a good evaluatorof how to apply the Bible in
that pursuit, but our job is notto be the judge and the jury.
(11:31):
God, what are you asking me toprovide in my spouse's life?
Not judging, not condemning.
What's the natural reaction?
Maybe you even want me towithhold, because if Joe would
have chosen to give love ratherthan show wrath, the picture
would have been very different.
If he would have chosen to givelove rather than show wrath,
the picture would have been verydifferent.
If he would have chosen to be aprofessional giver, would she
(11:51):
have become a professional taker?
That's the question I think wewrestle with, and the answer is
hey, you are married to a sinner, so it's a fair question, but
actually one that we don't haveto answer.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
So let me pose this question If I asked you to make
a list of what you need in lifemaybe what you want in life how
long would it be?
If I gave you just a generalnotebook and a blue pen and you
numbered it one to a hundred,could you fill that in pretty
quick.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
With ease.
Speaker 3 (12:17):
I definitely could.
Now let me ask you this Couldyou do the same thing for your
spouse?
Could you fill in that listjust as quickly?
Or maybe you don't really knowthem well enough, and it might
be only five long, not a hundred.
When we look at our own list ofour hundred needs and wants, I
think we can rationalize everysingle one of them.
(12:37):
I want my diet Mountain Dewbecause I rationalize that I
need the caffeine to get my daystarted.
I want a vacation because Irationalize that when I get back
I'm going to be a better wifeand a better mom and a better
employee.
When we look at our spouse'sneeds and wants, though, do we
rationalize them as well, or Ithink, most often than not, we
(12:57):
dismiss them as trivial orabsurd or not worth meeting that
need.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
And there are consequences to putting your
needs above your spouse's needs.
James 4.17 says this if anyonethen knows the good they ought
to do and they don't do it, it'ssin for them.
So if, in my pride, I easilydismiss the needs that are
placed before me and my spouse'slife, guess what?
I've been the very person thatJames 4.17 is talking about.
(13:26):
It's as if I'm saying to Godhey, you know what, god, I'm on
a bigger and better mission thanjust my spouse.
And that pride, that sin,actually separates me from God.
We can find this in James 4.6.
It actually makes God at timesoppose us, which is a scary
thought.
When God looks at your spouse,what kind of list does he make
(13:47):
for her needs?
And does that list that youjust thought of, about the
things that you think of, doesthat look the same as God's list
?
Because for many of us itwouldn't.
I don't think it would for mewithout some real prayer and
examination.
God did not wait for us to begand plead and whine for him to
come.
He didn't wait to come until hethought okay, you know what,
(14:07):
you're good enough, I guess I'llcome.
He didn't come because wedidn't think to deserve it
either, because if Christ wouldhave waited, we'd still be
waiting for our biggest needever to be met.
But he didn't wait, and at justthe right time.
Christ died for us while wewere still sinners.
Speaker 3 (14:26):
So I think, as we discover all these truths today,
we have to ask how do we knowwhat our spouse really needs?
Now that we've got somemotivation behind that, Well,
the word that comes to my mind,David, is discern.
Discernment, Because if Ievaluate you by my perceptions
and that could be from my ownhistory, my own background, my
own way of thinking I'm notgoing to be correct, maybe even
(14:49):
5% of the time.
Because I'm not going to becorrect, maybe even 5% of the
time, because I'm just going tobe watching from the outside and
I might be making some badevaluation.
And this is where I think a lotof wives with good intentions
give their husbands actuallysomething they probably don't
need, and it might step on yourtoes a little bit by saying this
, but they don't need you to betheir mom Now.
(15:09):
It feels like a quick fix tomanage them like that.
You might see a gap in theirlife and you want to fill that
in.
But here's the thing You're notthe master in their life.
You work for the master intheir life, Jesus Christ.
You're there to be theirhelpmate, to serve, to point
them to Christ, and typicallythat does not come through
(15:30):
demands or commands.
Now here's the other side ofthat.
If we should not be inevaluation and judgment of our
spouse, how do we know what theyreally need?
I think it goes back to beingspirit-led, discerning where God
wants us to meet their need,praying about it, like you said
David, spending time thinking itover, even talking it over with
(15:50):
your spouse, so we can begenerous in all the right ways.
It's interesting how, whenwe're discerning in the little
things, it actually can add upto be discerning in the big
things.
Let me give you an example fromour house.
So David and I have both fallenasleep and you know the kind
where you're not quitecomfortable for the night yet
and you're kind of half asleepand then you wake up and realize
(16:11):
, oh, I should actually reallygo to bed right now.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
This happens to us every night, doesn't it?
Speaker 3 (16:14):
Like all the time.
So I was all nice and snug andof course I didn't want to get
up.
But David, next to me, he'stossing and turning and in my
sleepiness I'm like, hey, areyou okay?
And he's like I'm so cold, Ijust if I could get warm, then I
could, I could get comfortableenough to go to bed.
So I knew that another blanketwas laying on the floor next to
(16:34):
his side of the bed and I knewthat would do the trick.
But guess what?
I didn't want to get up and goget it for him.
So I laid there, david, withlike my eyes closed and had this
30 second argument with myselfAm I actually going to get up
and get it for him?
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Meanwhile, I'm just totally naive there, I think.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
Yeah, still tossing and turning.
So then I thought of thisbroadcast that we were writing
and all the truths of scripturethat were so fresh on my mind,
and I thought this is what itmeans, right here at 11 o'clock
at night, to lay down my lifelike Jesus did.
This is what it means to put myneeds aside and to consider
David as more important thanmyself.
So I got up out of bed and Icovered David up.
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Sweet success right and it felt good.
Speaker 3 (17:19):
Well, sweet success, depending on what I do with my
mouth after the fact, notletting him know how much I did
not want to get out of my cozybed, or letting him know with
maybe some big sign or thisbegrudging way like here if you
could just have this blanket,then I could finally just go to
bed and he's going to know howmuch that costs me and it's not
(17:40):
going to be a blessing for himor for me.
And then later on not pattingmyself on the back like, hey,
did you see what I did there?
Aren't I pretty awesome?
But in this situation I didkeep my mouth shut.
He said thank you and Igenuinely said you're welcome,
and I meant it.
It felt good to serve him.
Now it took a while for my heartto kind of catch up with what
(18:01):
my actions should do, but it wasin those little things that can
turn into these big things.
Even if I do 100 little thingsand he never says thank you,
there's actually still joy inthat.
This sleep example might seemlike a really trivial thing, but
to David it was a real need atthat moment, and some of your
spouse's needs are going to bejust that.
(18:22):
They're going to be temporary,for practicality sake, or maybe
even for the sake of physicalcomfort.
Speaker 2 (18:27):
But the most important message we have is to
focus on the needs which yourspouse might not even be able to
put into words.
What keeps them up at night?
What brings tears to their eyesat the mere mention of it?
What misguided passion is adistraction for them?
Focusing on their heart definesa relationship built on unity
(18:49):
and oneness, in a way thatchecking off a list of practical
needs just never could do.
And Jesus gets to our heartlevel.
He teaches us the way heevaluates the genuineness of our
faith by watching how we reactto other people's needs.
And we find this in Matthew 25.
It says when the son of mancomes in his glory, and all the
angels with him, he will sit onhis glorious throne.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
Now, this is Jesus on the judgment seat.
This is going to happen somedayand he's going to get really
real with every single one of usin that moment.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Yeah.
It goes on to say all of thenations will be gathered before
him and he will separate thepeople from one another as a
shepherd separates the sheepfrom the goats.
He'll put the sheep on hisright and the goats on his left,
and I want you to imagine youand your kids and your wife or
your husband being right there.
(19:43):
The condemned are going to gointo one line and the saved are
going to be put in another.
It goes on in verse 34,.
Then the king will say to thoseon the right come, you, who are
blessed by my father, take yourinheritance.
The kingdom prepared for yousince the creation of the world.
For I was hungry and you gaveme something to eat.
(20:05):
I was thirsty and you gave mesomething to drink.
I was a stranger and youinvited me in.
I needed clothes and youclothed me.
I was sick and you looked afterme.
I was in prison and you came tovisit me.
Jesus is making the point herethat you followed me when you
(20:26):
understood and even anticipatedsomeone's need and you gave of
yourself to them 37 continues,then the righteous will answer
him Lord, when did we see youhungry and feed you, or thirsty
and give you something to drink?
When did we see you, a stranger, and invite you in, or needing
clothes and clothe you?
When did we see you sick or inprison and go visit you?
(20:49):
And the king will reply Truly Itell you, whatever you did for
one of the least of thesebrothers and sisters of mine,
you did for me.
But then he's going to say tothose people on his left Depart
from me, you who are cursed intothe eternal fire, prepared for
the devil and his angels.
(21:09):
For I was hungry and you gave menothing to eat.
I was thirsty and you gave menothing to drink.
I was a stranger, you didn'tinvite me in, I needed clothes,
you didn't clothe me, I was sickand in prison and you didn't
look after me.
And they will say to him Lord,when did we see you hungry or
(21:29):
thirsty?
When did we see you, a stranger, needing clothes or in prison,
sick?
What are you talking about?
And he's going to reply truly,I tell you, whatever you did not
do for one of the least ofthese, you did not do for me.
Speaker 3 (21:44):
You acted like you followed me, which we are all
guilty of, but truly, he says,you just tried to get by, just
doing what I asked when it feltuseful to you.
Lord, let that not be us.
Let us be the ones that arefollowing wholeheartedly after
you and loving like you.
Speaker 2 (22:02):
Jesus makes it super clear here that pursuit through
giving, through serving,pursuing them because you
understand, you're anticipatingtheir real needs.
This is going to be the measurethat he's going to separate his
followers from his fans.
So which one are you?
And I think we can bring thisdown to the level of our
marriage as well Are you a fanof your spouse?
(22:23):
Do you clap from the sidelines?
Are you a follower?
Someone who is in hot pursuit,meeting their deepest needs,
keeping a step with the spiritso that you can be enabled to be
in tune with what your spouse'sreal needs are, so much so that
they aren't begging to get whatthey need from you?
Speaker 3 (22:41):
Following your savior's example, you'll make it
your goal to foresee yourspouse's needs so well that they
don't even have to think aboutit themselves because you've got
them covered.
And when they know you've gottheir back, they're going to
rest in the security of yourpursuit.
Maybe today you don't reallyknow what your spouse needs.
That's okay.
(23:01):
But don't stay there.
Find out.
Make it your mission to lovethem to the point that they
can't help but see Jesus lovingthem through you.
Let that be your mission inyour marriage Jesus being
passionate about their heart,their real needs, their felt
needs, and just transferringthat from his heart to you, to
them.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
A relationship is defined by pursuit.
We can't be Christians orhusbands on the sidelines,
someone who just watches injudgment.
We have a role to play, notonly in the story of God's
kingdom, but in the story thatGod is writing of your marriage.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
We hope that, as we end this series, that we've
given you some new perspectiveand some new fuel to be on
mission in your marriage.
If you've missed any of the sixbroadcasts in this Powerful
Pursuit series, you can findthem on our website,
vowstokeepcom.
Join us next week right here onVows to Keep Radio as we
continue to study God's Word andapply it to our marriages.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to serve marriages in yourcommunity, we would love to
hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:25):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities but would
like to help support Vows toKeep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
Like what you heard today onVows to Keep Radio, Listen to
(24:46):
more life-changing broadcasts atVowsToKeepcom.
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