August 4, 2025 • 24 mins
The Silent Battle: How Your Thoughts Shape Your Marriage :: [Ep. 280]
Did you know that our negative self-talk about our spouses is quietly undermining our marriages by hardening our hearts and planting seeds of resentment? These mental arguments—whether it's "he just doesn't get me" or "why bother, he'll never change"—grow roots from our minds to our hearts that slowly choke our love.
With this in mind, we will be talking about the following:
• Better understanding negative thoughts about our husbands
• Exploring the desire to be seen and understood is powerful, and the effects caused when husbands miss this
• Reminding ourselves of God as El Roy (the God who sees) which can fulfill our need to be known when our spouses fall short
• How to fight the temptation to give up because nothing seemingly changes
• How to replace negative thoughts with confidence that you are known by God
• Remembering to tell yourself the gospel—what God has done for you— which shifts focus away from what your spouse hasn't done
We hope you can join us today and pray you are encouraged!!
For episode transcripts, click HERE.
For more marriage encouragement, visit: www.VowsToKeep.com | V2K Blog | Marriage Counseling | Insta | FB
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Do you mentally argue with your spouse but never
actually say what you'rethinking out loud?
When he just doesn't get you,do negative phrases flash
through your mind.
Do you keep your opinion on hisshortcomings to yourself but
rehearse them?
Often in your thoughts and inthe middle of an argument do you
silently call your husbandnames?
We can all relate, but what dowe do with these thoughts?
(00:45):
Well, we're going to go aheadand get a hold of them today.
We're going to unpack wherethey come from, why we have them
and what to do when we havethem and how to dig out the
roots that they've grown so thatwe can have healthy hearts and
minds towards our husbands.
It is possible how Well, findout in today's episode of Vows
to Keep Radio, the show whereyou can get sound biblical
(01:07):
counsel that you can applyimmediately to your marriage.
I'm your host, traci Sellers,co-founder of Vows to Keep.
David and I are biblicalmarriage counselors, authors,
teachers, radio hosts andconference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
A few months ago, I started torealize that self-talk about my
(01:30):
husband's failings was becomingmore and more common.
I'd catch myself thinkingthings that I knew weren't
entirely true, but in the momentthey validated what I was
feeling.
Sometimes I would let thosethoughts marinate for a moment
or two.
Other times I would say, hey,no way I'm not going to think
that.
But a day or two later they'dcome sneaking in through the
(01:52):
back door of my mind.
Until the Lord started toreveal these things to me, I
wasn't clued in on the fact thatthese seemingly little seeds of
condemnation towards David werestarting to undermine my
feelings for him, which, leftunchecked, could derail my
marriage in a heartbeat.
These thoughts that I wasthinking about David had
(02:14):
qualities of judgment,expectation and resentment in
them, and they were growingroots about 18 inches long,
reaching from my brain all theway down to the bottom of my
heart.
Those roots grew so slowly Ididn't notice that they were
wrapping themselves around myfirm decision to love my husband
unconditionally.
Then I had a freight trainmoment.
(02:36):
It came when I realized thatthe DNA of these thoughts was
actually hardening my hearttowards David, and that scared
me.
It was a wake-up call that Ineeded.
This is not going to be yournormal average vows to keep
radio broadcast.
David and I usually teachtogether, but in this series
it's just you and me, girls.
The way I put this togetherstarted by looking over the list
(03:00):
of thoughts that I was having.
I'd written them down, and thenI added some of a few friends
that I pulled.
I said'd written them down andthen I added some of a few
friends that I pulled.
I said, hey, girls, what areyou thinking about your husbands
?
Maybe they don't even knowyou're thinking it, but what are
those negative thoughts?
So I compiled these 30 or sothoughts and I realized they
were fitting into categories.
When I grouped them together, Isaw something I hadn't seen.
(03:22):
From simply looking through ajumbled up list.
These categories representedeither lies, or at least
half-truths, that I wasbelieving about my husband,
myself or God, or, moreimportantly, thoughts that we
girls really aren'tunderstanding the truth about,
and those two things are notexactly the same.
Let me explain.
(03:43):
When I believe a lie or apartial lie about any given
topic, I need the truth of God'sword to scatter the darkness
and bring those things out intothe light.
Truth wins when I do that.
But here's the thing when Idon't recognize or fully grasp
the whole truth about my husband, myself or God, that's when the
(04:04):
enemy of my soul can mislead mequickly into the lie territory.
I need the whole of God's word,all of who he is, as my God to
turn my thoughts around.
I cannot rely on my goodintentions In this series about
how your self-talk about yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
We're going to draw some veryinteresting lines between what
(04:27):
we're thinking and who God is,specifically His attributes and
His names.
Now, that is not what I wouldhave automatically thought to do
when addressing this topic, butI hope you soon see, like I did
, that when we look closely atthe names of God and what they
mean to us, they become theperfect tool to set our minds on
truth, to take these thoughtsthat have become so habitual to
(04:50):
us and start making new habits,replacing them with thoughts
that build our marriage, nottear it down.
Stick with me in this broadcast.
That's really more Bible studythan teaching, and it will be
out with the old and in with thenew.
Let me start by giving you apersonal example of how easily
negative thoughts show theirugly faces.
(05:11):
Every day, I lay out two sets ofvitamins in the morning and two
sets of medicine at night forDavid and I.
I take a couple of prescriptionmeds and a couple of
over-the-counter medicines, butthey're different than what
David takes.
Even our vitamins are a littledifferent.
So out of the two of us, I amdefinitely more of a habit type
person.
If I get in the habit ofsomething, I can remember to do
(05:33):
it day after day.
I'm also the moredetail-oriented one in our
relationship, but there aretimes when I just don't feel
like laying everything out,especially twice a day.
I wish that David would take theinitiative to do it once in a
while.
Sometimes I express this byasking him to get the medicine
ready Now.
Kudos to David.
He always complies, but thenfive minutes later I can still
(05:54):
hear him at the bathroom countertrying to get everything right.
It's just not something he doesevery day.
Some of my pill bottles lookthe same Some things like
allergy medicine we don't takeall the time.
Some of my pill bottles lookthe same Some things like
allergy medicine we don't takeall the time.
I can see him trying to helpbut not knowing exactly what I
need him to do.
So I go in and say don't worry,I'll get it.
He thanks me, walks back intothe bedroom, but in my head I'm
(06:15):
saying things like it's not thathard.
Why does he never help withthis?
Why do I always have to be theone?
I would love it if I came intothe bathroom one morning and he
had everything laid out.
Seems like small potatoes.
In the grand scheme of life,right, but what I've noticed is
that when he doesn't meet myexpectations, when I feel like I
have the right to something andI don't get it, when he annoys
(06:37):
me with his failures, albeitsmall ones, or when I feel
misunderstood, I begin to carryon a dialogue either with myself
or with him in my head.
Ponder this short verse for justa moment here.
Proverbs 27, 19 says as waterreflects the face, so one's life
reflects the heart, thethoughts that we think we're
(07:00):
keeping inside where he can'tsee.
Trust me, he sees, because it'sgoing to come out in your
actions or your words in one wayor another.
So let me ask you when yourhusband leaves the room after a
tense moment, what are the wordsthat zip through your brain
faster than you can catch them?
Do you mumble things under yourbreath that you wish you had
the nerve to say to his face, orthat you would never say to his
(07:23):
face, even if you had the nerve.
When he comes up short, do youroll your eyes behind his back
and mentally tell him that he'san idiot?
When you have a bone to pickwith him, do you find yourself
rehearsing an argument you maynever even have?
If so, your self-talk aboutyour husband could be ruining
your relationship.
(07:44):
I want to address this topicwith you, girls, today, because
this is a reality for us, all ofus.
The thoughts we think about ourspouse, or the arguments we
carry on with them silently, area very real thing, something we
can either let continue to thedetriment of our relationship or
something we can gain masteryover, and it's refreshing to
know that I'm not the only onethat struggles with this.
(08:05):
When I polled my friends andthey sent me back their answers,
I loved how honest they were inthis.
I'm going to read you some ofthe things off of this list of
30 or so thoughts we think aboutour husbands, and, as I do, I
want you to pick out which onesyou've thought about your
husband and just sort of putthem in your back pocket for a
moment.
We're going to go through theseone by one over the course of
(08:26):
this series on Vows, to KeepRadio digging a little deeper,
to the root of each one, so wecan know what to do with
thoughts like these.
You ready?
Okay, keep a running list.
Don't you pay attention toanything I do?
Oh, he just doesn't get me.
He won't, so I won't.
If he really loved me, he would.
(08:46):
He'll never change.
He hurt me again.
So I should.
He dot dot.
He never compliments me, henever listens to me, he never
helps me.
He's doing that wrong.
He doesn't care.
So why bother?
He'll never change.
Just get used to it.
If I don't do this, I'm goingto lose him.
He probably didn't even meanwhat he said.
(09:07):
He used to do this, but now hedoesn't, probably because of
this.
I can't believe he would dothat.
What a fool, what a jerk.
What an idiot.
He deserves fill in the blank.
Why doesn't he just?
Why am I the only one who everthere's no pleasing him?
He thinks he's so righteous?
(09:27):
Let's start with the one thatalmost every wife I polled
listed.
He doesn't see me and he justdoesn't get me.
Doesn't he see all I'm doing?
He should get up and help.
Doesn't he see I'm upset?
Don't you pay attention toanything I do?
This is probably one of thebiggest heartburns for me as a
wife.
I've said this before, but it'sso true that it's worth
(09:49):
repeating.
All David has to say are twolittle words and my world is
right again.
I understand Whoosh, all thefight goes out of me.
All the frustration, all thequestions, words so powerful
that even as I say them rightnow, they bring tears to my eyes
.
When I'm in a tizzy or I'mtrying to explain myself and I'm
(10:11):
just not able to get the wordsright, or I need to be held but
don't want to explain what I'mfeeling, those are the two words
I need to hear.
I understand.
The opposite reaction happenswhen we feel misunderstood, when
we feel disapproved of the.
Frustration rises, evensometimes anger.
Why can't he just see me?
(10:32):
Why can't he just get me?
I start to compare his needs tomy needs and I feel justified
that I should be understood andI tell myself that's the most
basic of needs.
My blood pressure starts torise just thinking about being
misunderstood.
It feels so unfair to not beseen and known, and that's why
we need to really understandthis name of God that we're
(10:54):
going to study right now El Roy,the God who sees.
El.
In Hebrew means God, el, roy isthe God who sees.
Roy is R-O-I.
The Hebrew for the root wordtranslates actually into
shepherd.
Let's take a moment to look atwhere this is found in scripture
.
Only one place Genesis 16, 13,.
(11:19):
Hagar's story Short butimpactful both then and now.
Here's the deal.
Abram, later called Abraham,was promised by God that out of
his lineage would come a greatnation and that all people would
be blessed through him.
Kind of hard when he and hiswife Sarai, didn't have any
children and they were OLD.
(11:39):
So Sarai offers her maid Hagarto her husband so that she might
become pregnant.
They took matters into theirown hands rather than waiting
for God's timing.
Well, hagar does conceive, butnow Sarai is jealous and treats
her maid poorly.
Hagar really didn't ask for anyof this.
Abram and Sarai didn't evengrace her with the basic dignity
(12:02):
of calling her by her name.
She was just called the maid,or my maid, galling to say the
least.
Then to be used and mistreated.
I can only imagine what Hagarmust have been feeling so
horrible that she thinks it'sbetter to run away and have this
baby in the wilderness than tohave a roof over her head, meals
to eat and a dad for her kid.
(12:24):
Genesis 16 says that the angelof the Lord found her by a well
in the desert.
Right here we see the firstevidence that God knows exactly
what's going on and that hecares.
The angel's first word is Hagar.
That is a goosebump moment.
God knows her name and givesher the honor of showing her
(12:44):
that she's known.
But God doesn't stay on thesurface with just a name.
The angel goes on.
He says Hagar, slave of Sarai,where have you come from and
where are you going?
God, in his sovereignty, iswell aware of the answer to both
of these questions.
But these questions reveal twothings.
Yes, god already knowseverything about you.
If you don't believe me, readPsalm 139.
(13:06):
But it's an invitation to havea conversation.
Let's talk, he says.
Tell me your troubles, what'sgoing on in your life.
He's taking your little chin inhis hand and turning your eyes
to his and saying talk to me.
There's something spirituallyspecial when we are real and
(13:26):
authentic before God, especiallywhen we say what's in our
hearts out loud, when it staysin our mind, especially if it's
something we don't really wantto deal with, we can keep it at
bay and that feels comfortable.
But when we get alone with God,whether that's when the rest of
the house is asleep or when thekids are occupied and we can
sneak a few minutes on our knees.
(13:47):
When we get real about theproblems, just like Hagar did,
by instantly replying with thetruth she says I'm running away
from my mistress Amazing thingshappen.
It's actually in that moment,when we get real with God, that
we see how real he really is,how real His love is for us.
The tears start to flow, theheart starts to soften.
(14:09):
My personal favorite place toget real with God is in my car.
When I run an errand, orespecially if I have a slightly
longer drive than normal, I turneverything off, ignore the
beeps on my phone and I juststart talking, actually out loud
.
I pour out my heart to God andI see in those moments that he's
already seen me, he alreadyknows what's been going on all
(14:30):
along.
But for me there's a deepthirst that's quenched when I
see that I've been seen,understood, known, loved.
Hagar must have felt it too.
I do, you do.
We've been trying to satisfythat desire and I believe it is
a God-given desire by doingeverything, trying to get our
(14:51):
husbands to pay attention to us,to discern our hearts without
us having to say anything.
And you know what?
Sometimes?
They do get it Sometimes, andthose are amazing moments that
we should be grateful for.
But even in those times I knowit's really God using my husband
to communicate to me that Godgets me.
Every good and perfect giftcomes from above.
(15:13):
James 1 says God can use Davidto be his mouthpiece, but I
shouldn't rely on that everysingle time.
David is human.
He's fallible, he's sinful.
So is your husband.
It's actually God that reallyunderstands us.
Your new beliefs in this areaabout who God is to you, your El
Roy, the God who sees, willlead to truthful thought in your
(15:35):
mind.
Be confident that you are known.
Hagar was so encouraged by thisspecial time with the angel of
the Lord that she changed hercourse.
God told her to go back home,not to be further mistreated,
but because that's where herfuture was.
She not only obeyed, butcontinues in Genesis 16, 13,.
She says you're the God whosees me, and now I have seen the
(15:57):
one who sees me.
We can see that her belief inGod changed her mindset, even
though Genesis doesn't say that.
How can I know that?
Because Matthew 15, 19 says forout of the heart come evil
thoughts.
It's what's in our hearts thatcomes out of our mouth.
Luke 6, 45 says we can't justdetermine to change our minds.
It all starts in the heart.
Hagar put her faith in God andthat changed her actions.
(16:21):
And the same should be truewith me.
Not relying on my spouse tocompletely understand me.
I can put my trust in the Godwho does.
When I'm tempted by thoughtslike am I invisible?
Why is he making me do this?
Doesn't he see what I do allday?
Now I can begin to turn thisaround.
I can actually let my husbandknow that I see him by meeting
(16:42):
his needs, knowing that minewill be and have been met by God
, that mine will be and havebeen met by God.
This attitude of generosity isjust me standing confident in El
Roy, the God who sees.
You might be saying okay, tracy, that's awesome.
I have a new understanding ofGod's love for me.
Now I'm starting to see thecorrelation between really
(17:04):
understanding God and all thathe is to me and how it relates
to my thoughts.
But you don't know what goes oninside my house.
You don't know my husband.
Whether I choose to stay orleave really doesn't matter
because I'm at the point of justgiving up.
Friend, you are not alone.
Other women are in the samesituation as you, even some of
the friends that I polled.
Here's some of the dialoguethey're having with themselves
(17:26):
he doesn't care, why bother, hewon't lead, so I fill in the
blank.
He'll never change, just getused to it.
I can hear that there used to bea desperation, even an anguish,
for them, but now they justfeel cold, sometimes towards
their husband.
We all feel this way.
There's no finger pointing here.
Instead, in these thoughts, Ihear a weariness, an abandonment
(17:49):
of putting in the effort to tryand make things change.
What we don't realize manytimes is that there's a downside
to our thoughts.
There's a consequence that canpoison our marriage.
When we start to think there'sno reason to care, we look for
other things to care about.
We automatically care aboutsomething or someone, because
God made us to love.
(18:09):
God is love and we are made inhis image.
It's a natural thing, somethingwe do from the day we're born
until the day we head intoeternity.
There's never a day where ourattention and affection isn't
set on something or someone,when we're believing the best
about our marriage and ourspouse.
You've been there.
When there's no unforgivenessbetween the two of you, when
you're best friends, that's whenour thoughts and our affection
(18:32):
and our love tends to remain inour marriage.
We look for ways to build up ourrelationship, but over time,
when expectation afterexpectation isn't met, we feel
unsupported and we begin to pullaway.
We set our affection onsomething else we believe will
give us that strength that weused to draw from our husband.
Most of the time we look toourselves.
(18:52):
We try to take the place ofwhat we think our spouse will
never do.
Hey, I've asked him to lead ourfamily spiritually for years
and he's shown time and againthat he just doesn't care.
I have begged him to do thiscertain thing till I'm blue in
the face.
The conclusion that we draw isthis is just the way it's always
going to be.
He's never even made an effort,so I'll just pull myself up by
(19:14):
my bootstraps and make it happen.
In that mindset, we think I'llhave to be the one to change and
my new identity, my new lifeand my new self won't include
him.
Or we go the total oppositedirection.
If he thinks he doesn't have tochange, I'm not going to make
the effort either.
I know what he wants me to do.
(19:35):
Well, he can just forget it.
It's in this place of giving upthat we accept the status quo
and we acquiesce to living asroommates Little interaction,
basic communication, no romance,no friendship, just enduring
the inevitable disappointment.
It's in this place of throwingin the towel where we can even
seek someone else to replace ourspouse, someone who would
always keep their promises,someone who would never take
(19:56):
what we've asked and disregardit, someone who would truly care
enough to do something.
It's my tendency to be strongon my own when my expectations
aren't met, so I know how youfeel.
There's a weakness I feel whenI'm not supported, and I hear
this in the psalmist's voice InPsalm 42, things are not going
(20:18):
well.
He even says my heart isbreaking remembering how it used
to be.
Then we see this turning pointmoment.
In verse five, he says tohimself why are you so downcast?
Put your hope in God.
Now he's not arrived there.
This is not like, hey, I've gotthis now, but he is on his way
because he's reminding himselfwhere his strength comes from,
(20:39):
from his pain.
He cries out to God in verse 9,El Salih, the God of my
strength.
We get a giant look behind thecurtain of the psalmist's heart
as we read Psalm 42.
He knows the truth, but heisn't feeling it.
That's why he has to set hisaffection, his love, on God.
He is preaching to himself hey,you remember who God is?
(21:00):
Remember what he's done andwhat he's capable of.
Don't give up.
Hide yourself in the rock.
El Sali, the God of my strength.
There must have been deep tearsflowing as he ground out the
words of praise to God.
That must have been so contraryto his emotions.
But then, in verse 8, there's asweet moment of refreshment.
He says but each day, the Lordpours his unfailing love upon me
(21:24):
, and through the night I singhis songs, praying to God who
gives me life.
He's not cured by thisknowledge.
His situation isn't going tochange overnight, but it's here
he finds strength, god pouringhis unfailing love on him when
all others had deserted him.
So let's look at what we need tobelieve.
Well, trying to be strongenough to bear it all, strong
(21:44):
enough to stay, strong enough toconjure up feelings of caring
for our spouse when love hasgrown cold, is not something we
should expect of ourselves.
We tend to love self first.
That's our default,others-centered love is not
natural.
But remember, god is love andGod made us to love.
We are made in his image andit's in his strength that we can
(22:06):
love.
Those are pieces of good newsfor you and I.
If we find our thoughtsdrifting towards an
I-don't-care-anymore attitude,there's a central power, a
familiar strength you may haveforgotten or overlooked.
It is the gospel of JesusChrist.
I love how 1 John 4.19 sums upthis gospel.
It says we love because hefirst loved us.
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Don't discount what your Sundayschool teacher put on the video
screen or that flannel graph,that message you heard so often
about a sinless man, god in theflesh, choosing to dwell among
us and bear the weight of eachand every one of our sins.
That story is reality and itcomes alive when we grasp his
love for us.
It changes the way we look atthe future of our marriage.
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When you're disregarded,ignored and unloved, el Salih
can give us hope that the God ofmy strength can uphold me
through.
This can be the one that I turnto, will always be a rock.
I can hide myself in a place oflove, a place of safety, next
time you're tempted to think itdoesn't matter or he'll never
change.
I want you to think this.
(23:08):
Instead, god called out to you.
He called you by name.
When you gave him the coldshoulder, the shrug off, he not
only loved you anyway.
He showed you his love bysacrificing what mattered most
to him.
He gave you and I what wedidn't deserve.
And look where it's gotten us.
Elsa Lee.
The God of our strength pulledus out of the pit of sin and he
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can give you the strength tothink new thoughts.
You can say no to the I don'tcare anymore attitude.
His kind of love is enough toequip you not to throw in the
towel, not the strength to takeover where your husband is
showing disregard.
Not the strength to findpleasure and met expectations in
something or someone else, butthe strength to have this train
of thought in something orsomeone else.
But the strength to have thistrain of thought that you can
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dwell on all day.
From Psalm 42, by day, the Lorddirects his love and at night
his song is with me.
He is my El Salih, my rock.
When your husband's actions,words and attitude make you want
to give up and tell yourselfthere's no point, point yourself
to Christ and tell yourself thegospel.
Tell yourself what God has donefor you, not what your spouse
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hasn't.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
Welcome to Vows to Keep Radio with David and Tracy
Sellers.
Our mission is to help couplesdevelop biblically healthy
marriages through theapplication of God's Word and a
deeper relationship with Him.
We desire to help you and yourspouse grow closer to each other
and closer to the heart ofGod's design for your marriage.
Now here's David and Tracy withtoday's broadcast.
Speaker 2 (00:21):
Do you mentally argue with your spouse but never
actually say what you'rethinking out loud?
When he just doesn't get you,do negative phrases flash
through your mind.
Do you keep your opinion on hisshortcomings to yourself but
rehearse them?
Often in your thoughts and inthe middle of an argument do you
silently call your husbandnames?
We can all relate, but what dowe do with these thoughts?
(00:45):
Well, we're going to go aheadand get a hold of them today.
We're going to unpack wherethey come from, why we have them
and what to do when we havethem and how to dig out the
roots that they've grown so thatwe can have healthy hearts and
minds towards our husbands.
It is possible how Well, findout in today's episode of Vows
to Keep Radio, the show whereyou can get sound biblical
(01:07):
counsel that you can applyimmediately to your marriage.
I'm your host, traci Sellers,co-founder of Vows to Keep.
David and I are biblicalmarriage counselors, authors,
teachers, radio hosts andconference speakers.
If you want to get back tobeing on fire for your spouse
and for God, you're definitelyin the right place.
A few months ago, I started torealize that self-talk about my
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husband's failings was becomingmore and more common.
I'd catch myself thinkingthings that I knew weren't
entirely true, but in the momentthey validated what I was
feeling.
Sometimes I would let thosethoughts marinate for a moment
or two.
Other times I would say, hey,no way I'm not going to think
that.
But a day or two later they'dcome sneaking in through the
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back door of my mind.
Until the Lord started toreveal these things to me, I
wasn't clued in on the fact thatthese seemingly little seeds of
condemnation towards David werestarting to undermine my
feelings for him, which, leftunchecked, could derail my
marriage in a heartbeat.
These thoughts that I wasthinking about David had
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qualities of judgment,expectation and resentment in
them, and they were growingroots about 18 inches long,
reaching from my brain all theway down to the bottom of my
heart.
Those roots grew so slowly Ididn't notice that they were
wrapping themselves around myfirm decision to love my husband
unconditionally.
Then I had a freight trainmoment.
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It came when I realized thatthe DNA of these thoughts was
actually hardening my hearttowards David, and that scared
me.
It was a wake-up call that Ineeded.
This is not going to be yournormal average vows to keep
radio broadcast.
David and I usually teachtogether, but in this series
it's just you and me, girls.
The way I put this togetherstarted by looking over the list
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of thoughts that I was having.
I'd written them down, and thenI added some of a few friends
that I pulled.
I said'd written them down andthen I added some of a few
friends that I pulled.
I said, hey, girls, what areyou thinking about your husbands
?
Maybe they don't even knowyou're thinking it, but what are
those negative thoughts?
So I compiled these 30 or sothoughts and I realized they
were fitting into categories.
When I grouped them together, Isaw something I hadn't seen.
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From simply looking through ajumbled up list.
These categories representedeither lies, or at least
half-truths, that I wasbelieving about my husband,
myself or God, or, moreimportantly, thoughts that we
girls really aren'tunderstanding the truth about,
and those two things are notexactly the same.
Let me explain.
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When I believe a lie or apartial lie about any given
topic, I need the truth of God'sword to scatter the darkness
and bring those things out intothe light.
Truth wins when I do that.
But here's the thing when Idon't recognize or fully grasp
the whole truth about my husband, myself or God, that's when the
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enemy of my soul can mislead mequickly into the lie territory.
I need the whole of God's word,all of who he is, as my God to
turn my thoughts around.
I cannot rely on my goodintentions In this series about
how your self-talk about yourhusband could be ruining your
relationship.
We're going to draw some veryinteresting lines between what
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we're thinking and who God is,specifically His attributes and
His names.
Now, that is not what I wouldhave automatically thought to do
when addressing this topic, butI hope you soon see, like I did
, that when we look closely atthe names of God and what they
mean to us, they become theperfect tool to set our minds on
truth, to take these thoughtsthat have become so habitual to
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us and start making new habits,replacing them with thoughts
that build our marriage, nottear it down.
Stick with me in this broadcast.
That's really more Bible studythan teaching, and it will be
out with the old and in with thenew.
Let me start by giving you apersonal example of how easily
negative thoughts show theirugly faces.
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Every day, I lay out two sets ofvitamins in the morning and two
sets of medicine at night forDavid and I.
I take a couple of prescriptionmeds and a couple of
over-the-counter medicines, butthey're different than what
David takes.
Even our vitamins are a littledifferent.
So out of the two of us, I amdefinitely more of a habit type
person.
If I get in the habit ofsomething, I can remember to do
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it day after day.
I'm also the moredetail-oriented one in our
relationship, but there aretimes when I just don't feel
like laying everything out,especially twice a day.
I wish that David would take theinitiative to do it once in a
while.
Sometimes I express this byasking him to get the medicine
ready Now.
Kudos to David.
He always complies, but thenfive minutes later I can still
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hear him at the bathroom countertrying to get everything right.
It's just not something he doesevery day.
Some of my pill bottles lookthe same Some things like
allergy medicine we don't takeall the time.
Some of my pill bottles lookthe same Some things like
allergy medicine we don't takeall the time.
I can see him trying to helpbut not knowing exactly what I
need him to do.
So I go in and say don't worry,I'll get it.
He thanks me, walks back intothe bedroom, but in my head I'm
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saying things like it's not thathard.
Why does he never help withthis?
Why do I always have to be theone?
I would love it if I came intothe bathroom one morning and he
had everything laid out.
Seems like small potatoes.
In the grand scheme of life,right, but what I've noticed is
that when he doesn't meet myexpectations, when I feel like I
have the right to something andI don't get it, when he annoys
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me with his failures, albeitsmall ones, or when I feel
misunderstood, I begin to carryon a dialogue either with myself
or with him in my head.
Ponder this short verse for justa moment here.
Proverbs 27, 19 says as waterreflects the face, so one's life
reflects the heart, thethoughts that we think we're
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keeping inside where he can'tsee.
Trust me, he sees, because it'sgoing to come out in your
actions or your words in one wayor another.
So let me ask you when yourhusband leaves the room after a
tense moment, what are the wordsthat zip through your brain
faster than you can catch them?
Do you mumble things under yourbreath that you wish you had
the nerve to say to his face, orthat you would never say to his
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face, even if you had the nerve.
When he comes up short, do youroll your eyes behind his back
and mentally tell him that he'san idiot?
When you have a bone to pickwith him, do you find yourself
rehearsing an argument you maynever even have?
If so, your self-talk aboutyour husband could be ruining
your relationship.
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I want to address this topicwith you, girls, today, because
this is a reality for us, all ofus.
The thoughts we think about ourspouse, or the arguments we
carry on with them silently, area very real thing, something we
can either let continue to thedetriment of our relationship or
something we can gain masteryover, and it's refreshing to
know that I'm not the only onethat struggles with this.
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When I polled my friends andthey sent me back their answers,
I loved how honest they were inthis.
I'm going to read you some ofthe things off of this list of
30 or so thoughts we think aboutour husbands, and, as I do, I
want you to pick out which onesyou've thought about your
husband and just sort of putthem in your back pocket for a
moment.
We're going to go through theseone by one over the course of
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this series on Vows, to KeepRadio digging a little deeper,
to the root of each one, so wecan know what to do with
thoughts like these.
You ready?
Okay, keep a running list.
Don't you pay attention toanything I do?
Oh, he just doesn't get me.
He won't, so I won't.
If he really loved me, he would.
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He'll never change.
He hurt me again.
So I should.
He dot dot.
He never compliments me, henever listens to me, he never
helps me.
He's doing that wrong.
He doesn't care.
So why bother?
He'll never change.
Just get used to it.
If I don't do this, I'm goingto lose him.
He probably didn't even meanwhat he said.
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He used to do this, but now hedoesn't, probably because of
this.
I can't believe he would dothat.
What a fool, what a jerk.
What an idiot.
He deserves fill in the blank.
Why doesn't he just?
Why am I the only one who everthere's no pleasing him?
He thinks he's so righteous?
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Let's start with the one thatalmost every wife I polled
listed.
He doesn't see me and he justdoesn't get me.
Doesn't he see all I'm doing?
He should get up and help.
Doesn't he see I'm upset?
Don't you pay attention toanything I do?
This is probably one of thebiggest heartburns for me as a
wife.
I've said this before, but it'sso true that it's worth
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repeating.
All David has to say are twolittle words and my world is
right again.
I understand Whoosh, all thefight goes out of me.
All the frustration, all thequestions, words so powerful
that even as I say them rightnow, they bring tears to my eyes
.
When I'm in a tizzy or I'mtrying to explain myself and I'm
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just not able to get the wordsright, or I need to be held but
don't want to explain what I'mfeeling, those are the two words
I need to hear.
I understand.
The opposite reaction happenswhen we feel misunderstood, when
we feel disapproved of the.
Frustration rises, evensometimes anger.
Why can't he just see me?
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Why can't he just get me?
I start to compare his needs tomy needs and I feel justified
that I should be understood andI tell myself that's the most
basic of needs.
My blood pressure starts torise just thinking about being
misunderstood.
It feels so unfair to not beseen and known, and that's why
we need to really understandthis name of God that we're
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going to study right now El Roy,the God who sees.
El.
In Hebrew means God, el, roy isthe God who sees.
Roy is R-O-I.
The Hebrew for the root wordtranslates actually into
shepherd.
Let's take a moment to look atwhere this is found in scripture
.
Only one place Genesis 16, 13,.
(11:19):
Hagar's story Short butimpactful both then and now.
Here's the deal.
Abram, later called Abraham,was promised by God that out of
his lineage would come a greatnation and that all people would
be blessed through him.
Kind of hard when he and hiswife Sarai, didn't have any
children and they were OLD.
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So Sarai offers her maid Hagarto her husband so that she might
become pregnant.
They took matters into theirown hands rather than waiting
for God's timing.
Well, hagar does conceive, butnow Sarai is jealous and treats
her maid poorly.
Hagar really didn't ask for anyof this.
Abram and Sarai didn't evengrace her with the basic dignity
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of calling her by her name.
She was just called the maid,or my maid, galling to say the
least.
Then to be used and mistreated.
I can only imagine what Hagarmust have been feeling so
horrible that she thinks it'sbetter to run away and have this
baby in the wilderness than tohave a roof over her head, meals
to eat and a dad for her kid.
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Genesis 16 says that the angelof the Lord found her by a well
in the desert.
Right here we see the firstevidence that God knows exactly
what's going on and that hecares.
The angel's first word is Hagar.
That is a goosebump moment.
God knows her name and givesher the honor of showing her
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that she's known.
But God doesn't stay on thesurface with just a name.
The angel goes on.
He says Hagar, slave of Sarai,where have you come from and
where are you going?
God, in his sovereignty, iswell aware of the answer to both
of these questions.
But these questions reveal twothings.
Yes, god already knowseverything about you.
If you don't believe me, readPsalm 139.
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But it's an invitation to havea conversation.
Let's talk, he says.
Tell me your troubles, what'sgoing on in your life.
He's taking your little chin inhis hand and turning your eyes
to his and saying talk to me.
There's something spirituallyspecial when we are real and
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authentic before God, especiallywhen we say what's in our
hearts out loud, when it staysin our mind, especially if it's
something we don't really wantto deal with, we can keep it at
bay and that feels comfortable.
But when we get alone with God,whether that's when the rest of
the house is asleep or when thekids are occupied and we can
sneak a few minutes on our knees.
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When we get real about theproblems, just like Hagar did,
by instantly replying with thetruth she says I'm running away
from my mistress Amazing thingshappen.
It's actually in that moment,when we get real with God, that
we see how real he really is,how real His love is for us.
The tears start to flow, theheart starts to soften.
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My personal favorite place toget real with God is in my car.
When I run an errand, orespecially if I have a slightly
longer drive than normal, I turneverything off, ignore the
beeps on my phone and I juststart talking, actually out loud
.
I pour out my heart to God andI see in those moments that he's
already seen me, he alreadyknows what's been going on all
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along.
But for me there's a deepthirst that's quenched when I
see that I've been seen,understood, known, loved.
Hagar must have felt it too.
I do, you do.
We've been trying to satisfythat desire and I believe it is
a God-given desire by doingeverything, trying to get our
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husbands to pay attention to us,to discern our hearts without
us having to say anything.
And you know what?
Sometimes?
They do get it Sometimes, andthose are amazing moments that
we should be grateful for.
But even in those times I knowit's really God using my husband
to communicate to me that Godgets me.
Every good and perfect giftcomes from above.
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James 1 says God can use Davidto be his mouthpiece, but I
shouldn't rely on that everysingle time.
David is human.
He's fallible, he's sinful.
So is your husband.
It's actually God that reallyunderstands us.
Your new beliefs in this areaabout who God is to you, your El
Roy, the God who sees, willlead to truthful thought in your
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mind.
Be confident that you are known.
Hagar was so encouraged by thisspecial time with the angel of
the Lord that she changed hercourse.
God told her to go back home,not to be further mistreated,
but because that's where herfuture was.
She not only obeyed, butcontinues in Genesis 16, 13,.
She says you're the God whosees me, and now I have seen the
(15:57):
one who sees me.
We can see that her belief inGod changed her mindset, even
though Genesis doesn't say that.
How can I know that?
Because Matthew 15, 19 says forout of the heart come evil
thoughts.
It's what's in our hearts thatcomes out of our mouth.
Luke 6, 45 says we can't justdetermine to change our minds.
It all starts in the heart.
Hagar put her faith in God andthat changed her actions.
(16:21):
And the same should be truewith me.
Not relying on my spouse tocompletely understand me.
I can put my trust in the Godwho does.
When I'm tempted by thoughtslike am I invisible?
Why is he making me do this?
Doesn't he see what I do allday?
Now I can begin to turn thisaround.
I can actually let my husbandknow that I see him by meeting
(16:42):
his needs, knowing that minewill be and have been met by God
, that mine will be and havebeen met by God.
This attitude of generosity isjust me standing confident in El
Roy, the God who sees.
You might be saying okay, tracy, that's awesome.
I have a new understanding ofGod's love for me.
Now I'm starting to see thecorrelation between really
(17:04):
understanding God and all thathe is to me and how it relates
to my thoughts.
But you don't know what goes oninside my house.
You don't know my husband.
Whether I choose to stay orleave really doesn't matter
because I'm at the point of justgiving up.
Friend, you are not alone.
Other women are in the samesituation as you, even some of
the friends that I polled.
Here's some of the dialoguethey're having with themselves
(17:26):
he doesn't care, why bother, hewon't lead, so I fill in the
blank.
He'll never change, just getused to it.
I can hear that there used to bea desperation, even an anguish,
for them, but now they justfeel cold, sometimes towards
their husband.
We all feel this way.
There's no finger pointing here.
Instead, in these thoughts, Ihear a weariness, an abandonment
(17:49):
of putting in the effort to tryand make things change.
What we don't realize manytimes is that there's a downside
to our thoughts.
There's a consequence that canpoison our marriage.
When we start to think there'sno reason to care, we look for
other things to care about.
We automatically care aboutsomething or someone, because
God made us to love.
(18:09):
God is love and we are made inhis image.
It's a natural thing, somethingwe do from the day we're born
until the day we head intoeternity.
There's never a day where ourattention and affection isn't
set on something or someone,when we're believing the best
about our marriage and ourspouse.
You've been there.
When there's no unforgivenessbetween the two of you, when
you're best friends, that's whenour thoughts and our affection
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and our love tends to remain inour marriage.
We look for ways to build up ourrelationship, but over time,
when expectation afterexpectation isn't met, we feel
unsupported and we begin to pullaway.
We set our affection onsomething else we believe will
give us that strength that weused to draw from our husband.
Most of the time we look toourselves.
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We try to take the place ofwhat we think our spouse will
never do.
Hey, I've asked him to lead ourfamily spiritually for years
and he's shown time and againthat he just doesn't care.
I have begged him to do thiscertain thing till I'm blue in
the face.
The conclusion that we draw isthis is just the way it's always
going to be.
He's never even made an effort,so I'll just pull myself up by
(19:14):
my bootstraps and make it happen.
In that mindset, we think I'llhave to be the one to change and
my new identity, my new lifeand my new self won't include
him.
Or we go the total oppositedirection.
If he thinks he doesn't have tochange, I'm not going to make
the effort either.
I know what he wants me to do.
(19:35):
Well, he can just forget it.
It's in this place of giving upthat we accept the status quo
and we acquiesce to living asroommates Little interaction,
basic communication, no romance,no friendship, just enduring
the inevitable disappointment.
It's in this place of throwingin the towel where we can even
seek someone else to replace ourspouse, someone who would
always keep their promises,someone who would never take
(19:56):
what we've asked and disregardit, someone who would truly care
enough to do something.
It's my tendency to be strongon my own when my expectations
aren't met, so I know how youfeel.
There's a weakness I feel whenI'm not supported, and I hear
this in the psalmist's voice InPsalm 42, things are not going
(20:18):
well.
He even says my heart isbreaking remembering how it used
to be.
Then we see this turning pointmoment.
In verse five, he says tohimself why are you so downcast?
Put your hope in God.
Now he's not arrived there.
This is not like, hey, I've gotthis now, but he is on his way
because he's reminding himselfwhere his strength comes from,
(20:39):
from his pain.
He cries out to God in verse 9,El Salih, the God of my
strength.
We get a giant look behind thecurtain of the psalmist's heart
as we read Psalm 42.
He knows the truth, but heisn't feeling it.
That's why he has to set hisaffection, his love, on God.
He is preaching to himself hey,you remember who God is?
(21:00):
Remember what he's done andwhat he's capable of.
Don't give up.
Hide yourself in the rock.
El Sali, the God of my strength.
There must have been deep tearsflowing as he ground out the
words of praise to God.
That must have been so contraryto his emotions.
But then, in verse 8, there's asweet moment of refreshment.
He says but each day, the Lordpours his unfailing love upon me
(21:24):
, and through the night I singhis songs, praying to God who
gives me life.
He's not cured by thisknowledge.
His situation isn't going tochange overnight, but it's here
he finds strength, god pouringhis unfailing love on him when
all others had deserted him.
So let's look at what we need tobelieve.
Well, trying to be strongenough to bear it all, strong
(21:44):
enough to stay, strong enough toconjure up feelings of caring
for our spouse when love hasgrown cold, is not something we
should expect of ourselves.
We tend to love self first.
That's our default,others-centered love is not
natural.
But remember, god is love andGod made us to love.
We are made in his image andit's in his strength that we can
(22:06):
love.
Those are pieces of good newsfor you and I.
If we find our thoughtsdrifting towards an
I-don't-care-anymore attitude,there's a central power, a
familiar strength you may haveforgotten or overlooked.
It is the gospel of JesusChrist.
I love how 1 John 4.19 sums upthis gospel.
It says we love because hefirst loved us.
(22:27):
Don't discount what your Sundayschool teacher put on the video
screen or that flannel graph,that message you heard so often
about a sinless man, god in theflesh, choosing to dwell among
us and bear the weight of eachand every one of our sins.
That story is reality and itcomes alive when we grasp his
love for us.
It changes the way we look atthe future of our marriage.
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When you're disregarded,ignored and unloved, el Salih
can give us hope that the God ofmy strength can uphold me
through.
This can be the one that I turnto, will always be a rock.
I can hide myself in a place oflove, a place of safety, next
time you're tempted to think itdoesn't matter or he'll never
change.
I want you to think this.
(23:08):
Instead, god called out to you.
He called you by name.
When you gave him the coldshoulder, the shrug off, he not
only loved you anyway.
He showed you his love bysacrificing what mattered most
to him.
He gave you and I what wedidn't deserve.
And look where it's gotten us.
Elsa Lee.
The God of our strength pulledus out of the pit of sin and he
(23:29):
can give you the strength tothink new thoughts.
You can say no to the I don'tcare anymore attitude.
His kind of love is enough toequip you not to throw in the
towel, not the strength to takeover where your husband is
showing disregard.
Not the strength to findpleasure and met expectations in
something or someone else, butthe strength to have this train
of thought in something orsomeone else.
But the strength to have thistrain of thought that you can
(23:51):
dwell on all day.
From Psalm 42, by day, the Lorddirects his love and at night
his song is with me.
He is my El Salih, my rock.
When your husband's actions,words and attitude make you want
to give up and tell yourselfthere's no point, point yourself
to Christ and tell yourself thegospel.
Tell yourself what God has donefor you, not what your spouse
(24:13):
hasn't.
Speaker 1 (24:14):
Vows to Keep is supported by a team which
includes biblical coaches,writers and pastoral advisors.
If you have a desire to servemarriages in your community, we
would love to hear from you.
Vows to Keep is anot-for-profit marriage ministry
designed to bring God'sencouraging truth to the
marriages of our area.
As a not-for-profitorganization, our commitment to
Christlike marriages includesproviding much-needed services,
(24:38):
regardless of a couple'sfinancial ability to offset the
cost of Vows to Keep operations.
If you are unable to donateyour time or abilities, but
would like to help support Vowsto Keep financially, visit
VowsToKeepcom and click on thedonate link.
This program is sponsored byVows to Keep of Zanesfield, ohio
(24:58):
.
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